This website has a lot of information about the no contact rule since it is an essential stepping stone to getting your ex boyfriend back. However, the one constant when it comes to learning about the “ex recovery process” is the fact that this process is very complex and can be very hard to understand at times .
Well, the same can be said about the no contact rule as there are parts of it that can be very complicated.
At first glance, you wouldn’t think so since no contact is generally a very easy to understand idea:
No Contact- A rule stating that you are not allow to call, text or get in touch with your ex boyfriend for a certain period of time.
(If you want the more in-depth explanation of what it is and how to properly do it I suggest you read this article pronto.)
It’s a pretty simple idea right?
And yet, that simple idea turns out to be one of the hardest things to successfully complete when it comes to the ex recovery process. Well, today we are going to be tackling one of the most asked questions when it comes to the no contact rule.
What does it mean if your ex boyfriend doesn’t contact you during the no contact period?
What It Means When He Doesn’t Contact You During The No Contact Period
You know what really sucks?
When you ignore someone with the intent of making them want to talk to you more and instead they don’t talk to you at all. This guide is going to be looking at that situation specifically and breaking it down from your side and your ex boyfriends side.
Essentially what I am going to be doing here is bridging the gap between you and your ex boyfriend.
This guide is going to cover things like:
- The ultimate purpose of the no contact rule.
- Why he isn’t contacting you during NC.
- Your fears about him not contacting you.
- What is going on in your mind.
- What is going on in his mind.
- And much more!
I am going to make you a promise.
By the time you finish this guide I want you to sit back and think to yourself:
“That was the most insightful guide on the no contact rule that I have ever read.”
I promise that I am going to do everything in my power to make that a reality for you and I want YOU to hold me accountable to it. If you think I slacked off when writing this then just let me know in the comments and I will be sure to correct the problems that you see.
Oh, one other thing.
What we are going to be talking about in this article is going to be a little involved and will require a bit of foundation on your part (i.e. you’ll need to understand the process we teach) so if you don’t have that foundation I highly recommend you check out my best selling book to get it.
Ok, lets get started!
What Is The TRUE Purpose Of The No Contact Rule?
I have already defined what the no contact rule is in the opening paragraph of this guide but I haven’t really talked about what the purpose of it is.
Seriously, when you sit back at the end of the day having completed a no contact rule what is it that you are aiming to have accomplished?
Have you ever heard that phrase:
Silence is more eloquent than words?
The no contact rule was born from this type of thinking.
The Power Of Silence
I want you to think about something for a moment. What do you do when someone you care about is silent towards you?
You love your parents right?
Well, I am going to assume that you do.
When you were a small baby and they neglected you for even a few seconds what did you do to get their attention? You cried at the top of your lungs until they paid attention to you.
What about when you were a little bit older and saw something at the store that you really wanted but they were simply silent to your request?
What did you do then? Well, you probably threw a tantrum.
What about when you were in high school and you really liked a boy who wouldn’t give you the time of day? What about then? Well, most likely you turned into a gnat that would never leave the guy alone.
The point I am trying to make here is that silence is very powerful and the no contact rule uses silence to it’s advantage.
However, the no contact rule also uses something else as equally powerful as silence to it’s advantage, the power of ignoring.
I guess the two go hand and hand don’t they?
Silence is ignoring someone completely.
Have you ever noticed how crazy people get when you ignore them?
Speaking from personal experience I can tell you that any time a girl I really like ignores me it bugs me on a deep level. I have done some really shameful things when I have been ignored in the past. For example, I remember when I was younger and a girl I was falling for wouldn’t respond to my texts I logged on to Facebook and looked at her profile to see if she was online. It just so happens that the time I did look at her profile she was online and I remember I blew her phone up angry that she was ignoring me.
But hey, I was young and I didn’t know how to handle my emotions. The point I am trying to make here is that the more attached you are to someone the greater the chances that them ignoring you will affect you.
Too many people fail to realize that being in love has one big negative, loss.
The greater the love the greater the loss.
The no contact rule is meant to tap into that loss and cause an ex boyfriend to contact you but is that the true purpose of the no contact rule?
To get your ex boyfriend to contact you?
What Is It’s TRUE Purpose?
To understand the true purpose of NC one must first look at the bigger picture of getting an ex boyfriend back (if you need the “big picture” check out Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)
Does your ex boyfriend even need to contact you during NC for you to be able to get him back?
The truth is that he doesn’t really need to contact you. Would you rather him do it? Of course, but he doesn’t really need to in order for the NC to work. So, what is no contacts true purpose?
The true purpose is to make him feel like a part of him misses you.
Lets say that you decide that you want to embark on the 30 day no contact period. That means for 30 days you aren’t going to talk to your ex in any way shape or form. You start off with really high hopes that throughout this process he will end up contacting you. However, after your 30 days are completed he hasn’t contacted you and you are left feeling pretty depressed.
Does this mean that the no contact failed?
Well, if you take a look at the true purpose of no contact (to make him feel like he misses you) you can’t really tell if he misses you or not if he never contacts you. Yes, if he does contact you that means deep down there is a part of him that misses you. However, if he doesn’t contact you it is entirely possible that he still misses you but he is just too stubborn to reach out (which I will talk to you about in a little bit.)
First though, I would like to take the spotlight off of him for a while and talk about YOU.
Your Expectations During The No Contact Rule
Consider this section to be your “attitude adjustment” when it comes to no contact.
You see, every day when I wake up I do one of two things. The first thing I do is answer my coaching clients (since it’s common for them to have a lot of questions.) The next thing I do is answer as many comments on this site as possible.
While I can’t always answer everyone I try my very best to. Anyways, it seems that I have developed a new pet peeve when it comes to communicating with you ladies.
Too often do I run into someone who completely misunderstands the purpose of the no contact rule (again read this article for a refresher.)
You see, a large portion of women who visit this site are under the impression that all they have to do to get their ex back is the no contact rule. This is SOOOO wrong on so many different levels.
Firstly, the no contact rule is only step one in the process. Secondly, you can’t just sit around and expect no contact to do all the work.
Why am I telling you this?
Because it is these same women who come back with their tail between their legs when their ex boyfriend doesn’t contact them at all saying that:
“NC doesn’t work…”
“Chris is a liar..”
“I tried this and it didn’t work.. What do I do now??????”
While I am certainly annoyed to get responses like that I do have to take some of the responsibility. I suppose I could have done a better job of explaining the complexities of how this is all supposed to play out.
This is me taking responsibility for not explaining the no contact rule as thoroughly as I should have.
If you think that no contact is guaranteed to:
- Make your ex call you like crazy.
- Make him come crawling back.
- Be easy.
Then I have some really bad news for you.
While it is entirely possible that those three outcomes can occur it is also possible that all three may not occur. The best advice I can give you is to manage your expectations.
For example, if you go into the no contact rule dead set on believing that your ex is going to blow up your phone with messages like:
(This text example was taken from an excerpt of one of my books The Texting Bible.)
Then you are going to be extremely disappointed and depressed if stuff like this doesn’t happen at all. That brings me to my next point. Most women get extremely depressed when an ex boyfriend doesn’t message them at all during the no contact period.
Seriously, they will sit around and cry because he didn’t call or text.
Well, like I explained above. It can be entirely possible that the no contact rule was working you just have no idea because he has an amazing poker face. So, there is no use getting all depressed over a strategy that is literally at it’s beginning. Remember, the no contact rule is only the first step of the entire ex boyfriend recovery process.
I guess the main point I am trying to make here is that if you manage your expectations you will be much better off.
For example, if you go into this and literally think to yourself:
“You know what, he doesn’t owe me a thing. If he contacts me then he contacts me. If he doesn’t then he doesn’t and it will be his loss.”
(And again, if he doesn’t contact you that doesn’t mean that NC didn’t work.)
Would you like to know where I came up with that mindset?
It is a well known fact that I have talked to over 24,000 women through this site and let me tell you that when you talk to that many people you start to learn a thing or two. One of the most interesting trends I found relating to the no contact rule is that the women that have the attitude that I outlined above always seem to do well in the “big picture” when it comes getting their ex boyfriends back.
In fact, I recently filmed a video about just that,
Now, I am not saying that everyone with that attitude will get their ex boyfriends back. I have seen a lot of people with that attitude fail but I have also seen a lot of people with that attitude succeed.
Here is what a failing attitude looks like:
“I am so depressed… he hasn’t called me… my life revolves around him… blah, blah, blah.”
So, do yourself a favor and don’t turn into that on me.
Reasons Why He Wouldn’t Contact You During The No Contact Period
One of the most asked questions I get from coaching clients is to explain the reasoning behind a man who doesn’t contact you during the no contact period.
There are a lot of different reasons for why an ex boyfriend would refuse to contact you during the no contact period. I created this section with the purpose of detailing those reasons so I can hopefully give you more insight into what is going through a guys mind when he commits one of these “reasons.”
In all, there are 3 legitimate reasons that come to mind,
- He is stubborn
- He is getting back at you
- He will contact you just not now
Lets start out with probably the most likely reason that he may not contact you during no contact, his stubborn nature.
1. He Is Extremely Stubborn
As I teach in my No Contact Rule Book, some men are extremely stubborn and will refuse to be the one that reaches out first during the no contact period. You see, in their mind they feel “entitled” to a response.
These are generally the type of men that absolutely love hearing compliments about themselves in relationships. In other words, they get addicted to the compliments and admiration they get in a relationship and they convince themselves that the girl has to do all the work.
So, when you use the no contact rule on these type of men what is going on in their heads?
Well, what we know so far is that they feel entitled to a response. So, they are probably going to be thinking of the whole no contact experience as a game. The first person to reach out loses the game and they will refuse to lose that game.
Let me give you an example.
Lets say that you are using the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend. You go in thinking that he is a shoe in to message you throughout the period but it doesn’t happen at all. Well, while you are discouraged that he hasn’t grown a spine and contacted you to at least see how you are doing he is sitting back chanting,
“I will refuse to talk to her.”
“She will have to talk to me first.”
Some men are just wired this way and it is really unfortunate because with these men it will usually be you that has to take the first step. Personally, I think men like this aren’t very good in relationships. Why?
Well, it’s not that they can’t be good it’s just that viewing relationships as a game is not going allow you to succeed. Yes, there are time where you have to view it as a game (the talking phase, getting your ex back, etc.) However, when it comes time to actually build or grow your relationship communication is going to be required.
The problem with stubborn men is that they won’t want to communicate. You are always going to have to be the one to take the first step and press the action when it comes to communicating.
So, this brings me to my next point.
Lets say that you are doing the no contact rule and you happen to run into a stubborn guy who won’t contact you at all. Does this mean that you are going to have to be the one to press the action after the NC rule is completed?
Yes, that is exactly what it means.
Do you remember what I said the main purpose of the no contact rule was?
To make your ex boyfriend miss you right?
Well, just because a man is stubborn and won’t contact you doesn’t mean that he doesn’t miss you it just means what we all already know, he’s an idiot :p .
So, this ties into what I was saying before about the fact that just because a guy doesn’t contact you during the no contact rule doesn’t mean that the rule failed. It just means that with some guys you are going to have to be the one to make the first step.
Is That Ok? Making The First Step?
If you are an avid reader of this site then you have probably come across my massive 10,000 word guide on how to get your ex boyfriend back. While I know it is a lot to read if you did take the plunge and read through it all you will have noticed that the overall “ex recovery” process hinges on YOU making the first move (which I plan on going into much greater detail later.)
In other words, in that massive guide I actually recommend that you are the first one to make contact with your ex after the no contact period.
Why do you think that is?
I think too many women are conditioned by society to think that making the first move on a guy is wrong. While I would tend to agree with that you are in a very unique situation here in that we are talking about your ex boyfriend.
Sometimes it really pays to be the first one making the move on your ex because not only can you control things a little bit better it is always kind of nice when a guy feels wanted.
This is especially true when it comes to men who are extremely stubborn. Remember, the guy who is stubborn may want more than anything for you to contact him but he just can’t get out of his own way sometimes.
2. He Is “Getting Back” At You
One of the most overlooked factors when it comes to the no contact rule is how the actual breakup will affect your boyfriend.
This is something I have talked about numerous times throughout this site so it only makes sense that I talk about it again here.
Breaking up is hard on both parties. Don’t ever think that it’s not. Women who often visit this site message me asking something like,
“My ex boyfriend doesn’t seem to be affected at all by the breakup. Did he even care?”
I want to teach you something about men.
You see, men and women are very similar in many respects. However, there is one area where we are different and that has to do with communication. I feel that women often have an advantage over men because women are constantly talking to other women about their feelings. In essence, they are continually practicing their social skills. Men are different though. We are perceived as weak by other men if we talk about our feelings.
Thus, when a breakup occurs a lot of us don’t like talking about it. It’s not that we don’t care. It’s just that we are afraid to open up about it.
Now, what does any of this have to do with a guy “getting back at you?”
What often happens when people hold their feelings in?
Well, they tend to grow very resentful and angry. It could be entirely possible that your ex boyfriend has gone through the following progression.
Breakup = Shutting Off = Resentment
When you couple this resentment with the no contact rule you get what we are talking about here with an ex trying to “get back at you.” Now, this brings up an interesting question. What if HE was the one that broke up with you? Why would he even feel the need to “get back at you?”
Him Breaking Up With You
Men are idiots.
Before I say anything else I just want to throw that out there.
Ok, so most men are more than happy to feel “victimized” if they were the one who had to initiate the breakup. Granted, if you cheated on your guy then he is the victim but even in cases where there was no cheating the sheer fact that he had to break up with you is going to make him feel like the victim.
Messed up right?
Do you remember what I said at the beginning of this section?
You know, how breakups are hard on everyone involved. If a guy has broken up with you the emotions he is going to experience after the breakup may cause him to feel like he was the victim. People have a tendency to only remember the bad stuff about the relationships towards the end.
This victimized role he is going to place himself in is going to cause him to want revenge on you in some way shape or form.
Him Getting Revenge With Silence
So far we have talked about the progression that a guy goes through (in his mind) if he is going to “get back at you.” Don’t remember?
Breakup = Shutting Off = Resentment
Do you remember now?
We have also discussed how it is possible that just the act of breaking up can cause a guy to paint himself as the victim.
What we are going to be getting into now is the actual ignoring part. In other words, the how part of him “getting back at you?”
I want you to close your eyes and imagine something with me for a moment.
You have embarked on the no contact rule and you are feeling pretty darn good about yourself. You have managed your expectations about him reaching out during NC but you are a human being after all and you can’t help but wonder why he has been silent on his end for 10 days straight.
So, the scene I have just painted above is pretty simple. You have been in the no contact period for about 10 days but he hasn’t contacted you. While your expectations have been managed your only human and you can’t help but wonder what is going on in his mind.
Lets take a look at that now.
Assuming that your guy has followed the progression I outlined above and is holding resentment towards you for the breakup that occurred you can probably expect the following things to be going on in his mind:
You can always expect a little bit of stubbornness to be involved when it comes to someone using silence as revenge. For some reason every time I think of this example I think of your ex boyfriend just sitting in a dark room chanting:
“I’ll show her… I’ll show her… I’ll show her.”
I know that was an incredibly weird picture for me to paint right now but the point I am trying to make here is that your ex boyfriend knows that deep down HIS silence will hurt you and it’s his only way of getting back at you without actually seeming crazy.
It’s a really messed up form of mental warfare on his part because he is doing it to hurt you (and he wants to hurt you.)
This may spark an interesting debate though because if an ex boyfriend is using his own silence to hurt you does it mean that he would ever consider a reconciliation?
Would An Ex Like This Ever Consider A Reconciliation?
I often talk about the importance of making logical decisions on this website. In fact, a lot of readers love when I go on one of my tangents about how important it is to be “logical.” However, there is also a time where it is very important to be emotional.
You see, most men make relationship decisions based on their emotions.
Heck, most people make relationship decisions based on their emotions.
While it is always important to find that delicate balance between logic and emotions it is also important to remember that the mere fact that your ex is trying to get back at you through the use of his silence means he is feeling emotions.
While those emotions may be negative they are still emotions and if you play your cards right you can turn them in your favor.
Remember, the line between love and hate is very thin.
3. He Will Contact You… Just Not Now
I am going to assume that a large number of the readers of this “guide” are currently in the middle of their no contact period.
Maybe you have just started it or maybe you are coming close to your end date. Whatever the case if your ex boyfriend hasn’t contacted you yet don’t freak out.
As I’ve written about multiple times in my experience, ex boyfriends have a tendency to contact you at the strangest of times.
A few months ago I got a message from a woman whose ex hadn’t contacted her during her no contact period. Obviously she was very upset about the whole “not being contacted” situation. On day 30 of her no contact period her ex finally broke down and sent out a message to her.
My point is that you never know when he could contact you. Some men just take longer than others to make a move.
I would like to take a look at what could possibly be going on in his mind if he takes a really long time to contact you.
The Internal Battle Within
What do you think is considered a long time for an ex boyfriend to respond to you?
Well, lets assume that you are embarking on a 30 day no contact rule and lets say that after 21 days your ex boyfriend hasn’t gotten in touch with you. If he does happen to get in touch with you from anywhere between 21-30 days then I would consider that to be a pretty long time for an ex boyfriend to not respond to you.
But what do you think is going on in his mind during this period of no contact?
Well, one thing that you can automatically assume is that a guy who doesn’t contact you during the no contact period always has a bit of stubbornness to him. However, if he does end up biting the bullet and contacting you in that 21-30 day window that means there is a serious internal battle going on within him.
In other words, his heart is having a major battle with his pride.
His heart wants nothing more than to check up on you and see how you are doing. However, his pride is telling him not to do it.
This internal battle between his heart and his pride will rage on for days. How do I know this? Because I have literally been in that position before. I remember one time where there was someone I really wanted to talk to. My pride told me not to do it but my heart wanted to so bad.
I got as far as typing the text message that I wanted to send into my phone but for whatever reason my pride prevented me from hitting that “send” button. Here is the deal though. A man’s heart is stubborn. It want’s what it wants and eventually it wore my pride down and a few days later I sent that message.
That battle between the pride and the heart is what your ex could be going through if he is experiencing what we are talking about here.
What To Do After No Contact If He Hasn’t Contacted You
I am about to put one of the most asked questions on this site to rest today.
“Should I contact him after the no contact period?”
Towards the beginning of this guide I went on this whole rant about how the no contact rule can still be working even if your ex doesn’t contact you. Unfortunately, most women don’t realize that fact. I don’t know if many of you know this but this website wasn’t actually supposed to be a blog.
Originally, I thought it would be fun to write a massive book on how to get your ex boyfriend back and see what happened. Well, obviously Ex Boyfriend Recovery took off after that but if you go back and re-read my book you are going to learn a few interesting things.
What do you think I told women to do after no contact?
To contact their exes no matter what!
Doesn’t Contacting An Ex After No Contact Put You At A Disadvantage?
(Hey, who doesn’t love a Captain American meme?)
You women have a sense of entitlement. Don’t even try to deny it because deep down you know it’s true.
Men are expected to make the first move, pay for dates, text first, etc, etc (you get the idea.) Thus, many women feel almost entitled when it comes to men talking to them. They will sit around and say,
“He’s going to have to text ME first if he wants a date with me.”
What’s interesting is that I have had multiple women contact me here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery wondering if they should contact their ex after the no contact. They literally asked me what I thought and when I told them that I thought it would be ok they decided against it because of that sense of entitlement.
You know, the “he is going to have to text me if he wants to talk” type of attitude.
I am going to make this really simple for you.
After the no contact period is over. I want YOU to take the first step and contact your ex boyfriend via a text message. It doesn’t matter if he blew your phone up with text messages during NC or if he completely ignored you as you were ignoring him. No matter what I want YOU to be the one to text him.
Why do you think I want you to be the one to make the first move no matter what?
Why You Should Make The First Move After NC
Since this guide is specifically focusing on men who haven’t contacted you during NC lets use that as an example.
So, we have a guy who hasn’t contacted you at all during your 30 day no contact period. Your NC time period has just concluded and you are debating on whether or not you should contact him via a text message. Well, one thing we already know is that your ex is extremely stubborn. Believe me when I say it takes a man who is incredibly stubborn to not contact you during a 30 day NC period. If you were to have the attitude that I described above, the “entitlement” attitude, then the chances are high that nothing will get done.
Remember, your main goal here is to get your ex back and in order to do that communication is key. Well, if the two of you just have this never ending no contact battle with one another then nothing is going to happen that could help you two reunite.
Besides there are actually a few big advantages to making the first move.
Firstly, it puts you in control. You get to control when the conversation is started and assuming you play your cards right when it will end. Secondly, I can tell you that I am absolutely thrilled when a girl takes the initiative to message me. Seriously, I am so used to messaging girls (who I am romantically interested in) first that it is kind of annoying to me to keep doing it. Sometimes when a girl messages me first I think to myself,
“Ok, she still digs me.”
Besides, sometimes you will have to message your ex first and earn the right back to get him to message you.
What do I mean by that?
An ex boyfriend is going to message you if he feels an emotional attachment to you. Sometimes it is up to you to reach out and form that emotional attachment.
Often times it is doing the things that scare us most that yield the greatest results.
So take a chance.