Today we are going to be talking about a question I get all the time from my coaching clients,

Chris, how long should you wait before you contact your ex?

From a broad perspective it may appear that this is a question with one singular answer but life isn’t just black and white, there are also shades of grey.

Today I’d like to explore how long you should wait to contact your ex after a breakup and also give you a few tips about what you should say to them if you want to position yourself properly to succeed in getting them back.

Let us begin!

An Exact Count Of How Long You Should Wait Before You Contact Your Ex

There are three big concepts I want to discuss with you today.

  1. The Three Time Frames
  2. The Paradigm Shift
  3. Indirectly Prepping Your Contact Strategy

I don’t expect you to become a master at these overnight. However, what I do expect is for you to pay attention and keep an open mind.

Your chances of success with your ex could very well rely on how and when you contact your ex.



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Concept #1: The Three Time Frames

Are you familiar with the no contact rule?

When my coaching clients ask me what it is my response is almost robotic,

The No Contact Rule- Is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time giving yourself some time to cultivate your own life.

I think I’ve probably recited that definition on this website hundreds of times.

Here’s what I typically don’t teach the average reader.

I have found that there are three ideal time frames for how long you should be doing the no contact rule for.

And it just so happens that when you contact your ex will rely heavily upon which time frame you choose during your no contact rule.

Oh, and in case you were wondering the no contact rule is an essential part of the overall strategy for getting your ex back.

It has to be done.

If you are skeptical just watch this,

Anyways, there are three time frames upon which I recommend your length of no contact should be.

  1. 21 Days
  2. 30 Days
  3. 45 Days

Some of my peers will sit there are recommend even longer no contact periods but I have found those to be ineffective.


Did you know that it takes a human being 66 days to form a new habit?

Following this line of thinking we can assume that if your ex wanted to it would only take them 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you.

This is why I never recommend long time frames for the no contact rule.

The highest I ever go is 45 days which is quite significant in my opinion.

Often when I am coaching someone they will ask,

How do I know which time frame is perfect for me?

It’s a good question which is why I’ve put together this little graphic,

The way I see it I think every person who goes through a breakup should always aim to start with the 30 day no contact rule.

This is the standard time period that most people recommend.

Often when you are starting a no contact rule you have no idea how effective it will be on your ex.

For some, it can be extremely effective and for others the signs might not be visible.

Here’s my point if you use the 30 day rule as your standard you can shift your time period based on how well things go with your ex.

Let’s say that you try the 30 day rule out on your ex and they contact you 15 times around day 7 of your attempt.

All of these messages are generally positive.

In this particular instance you might want to consider shifting the 30 day rule into a 21 day rule.

Of course, this can work the opposite way as well.

If you attempt the 30 day rule and don’t get any contact from your ex and are extremely worried about contacting them first.

You can always shift your no contact rule up to be a 45 day rule.

Concept #2: The Paradigm Shift

What is a paradigm shift?

The dictionary defines it as a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions.

I always like to describe it as outside the box thinking to my clients.

A paradigm shift is change.

It’s where one set of individuals expect you to do one thing and you do another thing.

It’s where you find a new way to do something.

Change is always present throughout a paradigm shift.

When I tell someone new about the no contact rule and get them to buy into it the one thing they always hear is the “make your ex miss you” part.

They completely skip over the “cultivate your own life” part.

I understand the temptation.

However, the single biggest mistake I see people making when they contact their exes is not creating a paradigm shift for their ex.

The no contact rule allows you time to create that paradigm shift.

What do I mean by that?

Look at this graphic below,

Perception is a powerful thing.

Right now your ex perceives you a certain way.

What we need to do is get you to create a paradigm shift and have them view you a different way.

When I was in college I had the pleasure of sitting next to a pretty girl. The problem was that she was a bit larger than I preferred for my own personal tastes.

It wasn’t that she was obese.

Far from it.

It was just that she was “big boned” I should say.

Anyways, since we sat next to each other we got to know each other and exchanged numbers.

She asked me on a few dates and I ended up always making an excuse.

She was very pretty but I couldn’t get past the fact that I viewed her as slightly overweight.

We always remained friendly but slowly and surely we kind of drifted apart.

I never did go on a date with her.

A few years later I was walking to my car with my friend and I ran into her.

It took me a while to recognize her because she looked so differently.

She had lost weight to the point that even my friend pulled me aside and said,

Wait, you had a chance to date her and you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?

I then commenced a very fumbled attempt to try to get her to go on a date with me but the tables had turned.

Instead, she stood me up.

That’s karma for you.

But the experience taught me something interesting.

If you can shift someones perception of you the entire game changes.

Concept #3: Indirectly Prep Your Contact Strategy

In case you haven’t read between the lines yet you are supposed to contact your ex after the no contact rule.

But what are you supposed to say?

I’m actually a big believer that you start prepping what you say before you even think of crafting a text message.

What do I mean by that?

One thing we know from research is that the possibility that your ex is paying attention to you after a breakup is high. Studies have suggested that 90% of exes will “Facebook Creep” you.

I say use this as an advantage.

Create the narrative that you want to create.

Shift the paradigm.

Have your ex watch the story of your life from afar only to wish they were there with you.

Social media is a weapon.

Make sure you use it effectively.

I’ll give you an example.

Last year I was doing a coaching call with a client and she was struggling what she was going to say to her ex after the no contact rule.

That was when I described the idea of “priming” to her.

Of slowly drip feeding information to her ex to excite him enough to respond to her messages.

She told me that she couldn’t really think of a way to text her ex but she wanted to find a non threatening way to tell him that she was going to be in his area for work.

They were long distance.

She didn’t want him to think that she was stalking him because she really did have work in his area.

Anyways, I started quizzing her on things that he was interested in throughout their relationship.

It turns out that he was a huge game of thrones fan.

So, we came up with the idea to do something outside the box and take this picture of the dragon queen,

And literally photoshop her face onto it,

Once that was done she was supposed to post it to Facebook with a caption like,

Check out my ride into (area the ex was) for work on Thursday?

She did this a good three days before she was supposed to go to work.

Her ex immediately liked the photo and texted her,

Instant date!

All because she primed her arrival properly.

Here is my point.

You need to be using social media like this.

Don’t copy the dragon queen thing entirely.

But use the idea for your own purposes!

What to Read Next

How to Make Your Ex Miss You Without Talking To Him

By Chris Seiter | 129 comments

I Messed Up The No Contact Rule

By Chris Seiter | 8 comments

The No Contact Rule (The Definitive Guide)

By Chris Seiter | 6764 comments

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99 thoughts on “How Long Should You Wait Before You Contact Your Ex?”

  1. Avatar


    March 18, 2021 at 12:56 pm

    My Boyfriend broke up with me about a month and 1 week ago, we broke up because we were fighting a lot and he hasn’t contacted me but I’m doing the no contact rule for 30 days, I’m on week 2 now but I’m scared he doesn’t want me. He still has all my things at his house and we haven’t talked about returning each other’s things. What do I do ?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 8, 2021 at 9:25 pm

      Hi Elena, unless there is something you need that is in his I would suggest that you do not ask for things back until you reach the texting phase.

  2. Avatar


    March 18, 2021 at 12:53 pm

    Me and my girlfriend broke up 5 days ago after 1 year and 2 months of being together because I was always too needy, I would constantly pester her and call her while she was at work or spending time with her dad who’s dying to ask if she still loves me because I missed her voice and she would ask me to stop and near the end of the relationship I tried to not contact her as much as I did because it was needy and selfish but I got too much for her she left, my mom texted her on the 4th day of the break up to ask if it was over for good because she would constantly ignore my calls and texts and she said these exact words “Korey is abit too much for me and I do have a lot going on and I’ve tried to explain the best I can but I believe it’s really over and I don’t want to hurt him, I just want to move on and I know he wants to be perfect but I don’t think it will work, I can’t help myself and my own problems let alone deal with his ontop of mine, please tell him nicely because I don’t want him to be hurt, I don’t to continue this relationship I think it will be the best for the both of us even if he doesn’t think so” and my mom asked her to text me before she was going for good and after that she said “I will send Korey the things he left at mine in the mail and I’ll write him a letter and send it to him when I’m not busy” and then shortly after that she blocked me on everything, we had break ups before from when I was controlling but I changed, but it was never like this, this is the first time she’s blocked me and been adamant that she wants to cut me off for good, is it really completely over or do I still have that It can work out because I realised I was in the wrong for being constantly needy. If I do have a chance at winning her back how long should I wait because I can’t lose this girl, she means the world to me and I need to do everything in my power to get back with her.

  3. Avatar

    Ken G

    January 19, 2021 at 2:29 am

    My wife of 31 years left me in August. I have tried relentlessly to win her back. Currently she has me blocked everywhere. Looking back we haven’t had no contact at all for more than a few weeks. In October she expressed interest in reconciliation but I was too eager and scared her off. I haven’t had any contact in person since Jan 7 and my last email was Jan 10. I have decided to go dark, no contact. Is there any hope? Its been 8 days with nothing.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 19, 2021 at 8:52 pm

      Hi Ken, so the fact she considered giving you a chance again, does show she cares still. But I think you need to work on your emotional control so that when you speak with her again you seem indifferent from her attempts to speak with you and that you are happy in life doing well. But firstly you MUST complete a 45 day no contact.

  4. Avatar


    December 24, 2020 at 11:26 pm

    My ex gf of almost three months broke up with me because she feels like “something’s missing”. I suspect this is because we rushed in to things pretty fast. Things took off pretty much over night after a couple of dates. Otherwise everything was great, tons of chemistry and things in common. She tried to work through it and it seemed like she wanted things to work out. I’ve been in NC and working on my own life for almost 3 weeks now. Not sure what to do at this point, or what to say to her. We were very compatible so I don’t want to give up that easily.

  5. Avatar


    December 16, 2020 at 2:02 am

    So, my boyfriend and I were together for almost three years. The first two were great. The last – not so much. We both lost our jobs due to COVID and were struggling with finances and being stuck inside all the time. I don’t know how much this played a factor in our breakup, but either way, we started fighting a lot. Admittedly, a lot of the fighting was my fault and he ended up ending things.
    I moved out and it’s been about four months since the breakup. It took me a while to move out, so it’s felt “real” for almost two months now since I’ve left.
    Since then, we reach out here and there – nothing major or consistent – but recently he started telling me he misses me, he loves me, he even invited me over the other day,
    I think I’d like to try going out for a drink or something (a “date”), but I don’t want to rock the boat with this new spark of hope that’s happening, and he also hasn’t come out and said he’s interested in trying again. I’m getting mixed signals.
    Please help! I do not know how to handle this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 23, 2020 at 6:43 pm

      Hi Miranda, so I would be mindful how you go about asking for the drink I would suggest you ask in a way that if he turns you down you can make it sound like you were only asking as a friend. Also you do not mention that you spent any time in no contact, for this program to work this would be your essential first step.

  6. Avatar


    November 9, 2020 at 9:32 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend and me had some issues due to I was very jealous and he asked me to take some time apart from each other… I was not able, even I tried to respect no contact rule, and even made some other mistakes, I went to his house to visit him (he said he did no have enough time to come over and see me due to online classes) and send him presents. Well, we decided to take more time but a week ago we met by chance and he was with his family and some friends and did not talk to me, I got angry and made a kind of scene and talked to him about it… An hour after he send me a message telling he did not like to be like that and it was time to take rachel one our own way… Basically he said goodbye… I don’t know what else I can do to fix it.

  7. Avatar


    October 29, 2020 at 3:06 am

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years (who is also recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression). He attempted to break up with me even before but I did not agree with him and still tried to work it out. Thats when we knew that he has depression. He said he did everything he could to work things out with me but he said he’s been feeling lost for a year now. He also used the reason “I want to spend time with my family because I’ve been focused too much on our relationship”. He also said that we always depended too much on our happiness to each other. He had a lot of reasons of breaking up with me. My assumption was he’s just pushing me away because of his depression but I dont know which is true. He never contacted me since. I sent him a text message 2 days ago saying I understand him but he did not respond and his unavailable at any social media platform. I need an advice on what to do. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 29, 2020 at 8:09 pm

      Hi Dani, you need to allow this time apart to work on yourself, and let him work through his mental health issues. Work through the articles on this website about being Ungettable and working to be the best version of yourself, then start reaching out to your ex after 45 days if you still want to get him back

  8. Avatar


    October 28, 2020 at 6:50 pm

    My girlfriend broke up with me a few days ago but in total we have been together for 2months and 10 days, during our relationship we did have little arguments over misunderstanding texts but ended up sorting it out but lately i felt a relationship anxiety and i was reassured for that a few times but she believes no matter what she does that she can’t make me happy, she told me to relax, told me she loved me, told me that i was her everything and no matter what she wouldn’t break up with me as i was the best boyfriend she ever had. 19 October she went out on a trip and wanted to call me because she missed hearing my voice, so we talked for a few minutes, told eachother that we miss eachother and loved eachother and ended the call, the next day she came home rested and woke up to tell me that she arrived home and then went back to sleep again, she woke few hours later and said she wanted to spend time with her family so i was like okay, i went to sleep to wake up to a message saying how i was suffocating her by needing her all the time and to also not think that we are breaking up that she needed time so i was like i understand ill give you time and space and then the next day she broke up with me!!.. i’m confused because i was her world and that i was the best boyfriend she ever had… I don’t know what to do at this point I’m Lost

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 29, 2020 at 8:07 pm

      Hey there, so you need to give her that time and space – starting with a no contact of at least 30 days, maybe 45 if you really were too needy in the relationship

  9. Avatar


    October 12, 2020 at 6:19 am

    Hey EBR,

    I’m newly heartbroken after my boyfriend of 10 months broke up with me. None of the classic signs were there. We never fought, super passionate right until the last, had a great bond and all of the fundamentals were there. We truly loved one another. Out of the blue he breaks up with me, well tries to. I refused to allow him to have the conversation with me when I was highly emotional and caught off guard so we waited a few days with no contact. We met again and spoke for 3 hours about everything. Why he wanted to break up, why I didn’t. He said he was 90% sure that he wants to be with me, he loves me and there is nothing wrong with the relationship but something doesn’t “feel” right to him. In the end I couldn’t make him see that our relationship was worth fighting for at this time. It ended in love. We kissed, hugged, said goodbye. I’m hoping that by giving him some space to think about us he will come around. Maybe he’s afraid? Maybe not. Please advise on how to proceed. Thanks xoxo

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 10:17 pm

      Hi Rebecca, you did the right thing by giving your ex space and make sure that you stick to the rules of no contact for 30 days. Work on yourself in that time, read about the holy trinity and being ungettable, before you reach out make sure that you have read the articles that Chris has provided to create interesting conversations with your ex that will make it easier to start organic conversations with him again

  10. Avatar

    Cherry Vasquez

    October 5, 2020 at 11:46 pm

    I was with my boyfriend for officially 4 months. we were friends before anything happened between us. when we were friends I asked if he had any kind of relationship with his ex and he said no. later on in months later I found out that he lied. we had only been together for 2 months when I found out. ever since he’s been trying to make it up to me and I have been really rude to him for months. Recently I confessed to my boyfriend that I actually had sex once with my ex 6 years ago after I told him I was a virgin and I told him the reason why I lied was because I was only 13y\o when it happened only happened once and I’ve been really ashamed with myself ever since. He’s so mad at me, he doesn’t want to be with me or have anything to do with me. I understand that he’s mad. I willing to work and do whatever it takes to gain his trust back but he doesn’t want me and Im not sure what should I do? When I was the one that was upset he didn’t give up, he kept trying and trying. So I’m wondering if I should do the same? I love him but I don’t want to do

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 16, 2020 at 10:18 pm

      Hi Cherry, I think the situation is different because of the seriousness behind your past. The fact that you were sexually active at 13 could possibly be upsetting for someone else as this is not something that should be happening at that age. Give him time to calm down and let him decide if he can forgive you. If you have also slept together and him under the impression you were a virgin at the time he may be upset about that too.

  11. Avatar

    Courtney Smith

    August 22, 2020 at 2:17 pm

    So i was dating this guy for a few months and we had a great relationship… Things seemed to be going good but he had to go out of town for work and he left the first time for 3 weeks came back for 3 days we spent time together and then he left again when he left again i got super emotional because I have severe trust issues not from him from my past and automatically i think the worst. He was supposed to come back in a few days but when he called me and i started crying saying i can’t do this i was super emotional at the time (time of the month) and he understood and agreed and said i deserve to be happy and be with someone who can make me happy and give me what i deserve.. i tried to tell him he makes me happy but he just said he doesn’t want to hold me back and he doesn’t want to be the reason why I’m sad. It’s been 5 days since that conversation and we have had no contact but I don’t want to walk away from this person because he is genuinely a good person… i want to reach out to him i just don’t know how long is enough time to reach out since we only dated for a couple months. Is 3 weeks too long to wait?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 8:00 pm

      Hey Courtney, your NC needs to be 30 days

  12. Avatar


    July 13, 2020 at 4:04 am

    Hello, Dear EBR!

    I am in the recovery phase after my break up on 24th April. Its been over 2 months that we saw each other. We had a bad break up due to me finding out he was cheating. I was very heartbroken (maybe still iam) not just because of the cheating( which i was willing to try to work out if he was honest with me) but because of the way he left not trying to apologize and also not trying to explain(i know he is not the time to talk about feelings etc , and he was embarrest when i asked him if he had ever cheated on me, although i know that is not an excuse of his reaction). We were dating almost 3 years, living together for 1.5 and he was always the nicest to me. I still cannot undertand the reasons for him to cheat, since iam a really chill person( no fights , no jealousy) everyone around us knew we were so happy. I think he cheated since last August 2019 when he went to travel(the girl was from the other country) So thats the summarized background. i havent text him since then, and neither did he. I wanted to ask you, from your experience guys that cheat on the SO and leave like that, do they get the decency to get in touch for an apology or even to try get back together? I guess its bothering i never got an apology for hurting me in that way. Thank you for your work~

  13. Avatar


    July 2, 2020 at 7:04 am

    Hey, my boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. I’ve been going with no contact and he has sporadically blocked me on new things (Facebook, Instagram, Discord, and 1 gaming platform). The rest of our gaming programs we’re still friends on and I have no clue if he blocked my phone number as I haven’t been trying to text or call him. The 30 day no contact mark happens to land on his birthday. I had planned to send a text on his birthday saying something like “Hey, I was thinking of you today. Hope you had a wonderful birthday!” And that was it.
    However, some of our mutual friends think it might not be a good idea as he is still closing in on himself and shutting people out. He’s been doing this since the breakup. He even blocked a mutual friend of ours on Discord and 1 game because that friend tried to talk about the breakup and me on occasion. I’m worried if I message him too soon, it could cause him to get angry/emotional. But I’m also worried if I don’t message him at all, he may never reach out to me on his own…? I know he’ll only reply when he’s ready, but… I have no way of knowing when that is…

  14. Avatar


    June 16, 2020 at 12:33 am

    Hey my boyfriend and I are long distance and I won’t be able to travel for about 25 days but I’m already on day 16 of NC. I’m worried it’ll be too late if I leave it until then. What should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 16, 2020 at 7:55 pm

      Hey there, so it wont be “too late” as you are not going to get your ex back just from doing the No Contact, you need you just focus on yourself for the time being and then start the texting phase once your NC is complete.

  15. Avatar


    June 2, 2020 at 2:44 pm


    My boyfriend and I have just broken up. I started the no contact a few days after. My problem is that before he’s broken up with me and then took it back a few days later but never stays about a month later. He said that he needs to go at life alone but that it would be great to get back together down the road. What does this mean and how long should I go for the no contact? I really want me and him to get back together because we had such a good and solid relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 3, 2020 at 11:06 pm

      Hey there your No Contact needs to be 30 days minimum

  16. Avatar


    May 27, 2020 at 4:37 am

    My ex and I met up after exactly 4 weeks post breakup. We had a good chat about things and he answered all the questions I had. It ended well and I left with the impression that although he wasn’t feeling it now, there was a chance he would in the future. Unfortunately a few days after this we had a small disagreement about joint gifts we were given by his family and mine. It was a civil disagreement and only a handful of texts were exchanged but he blocked my number. He doesn’t like confrontation and doesn’t handle arguments well. I still need to speak with him regarding some money and rental issues, but I am holding off as long as possible. How long should I wait before reaching out again?We are still FB friends so should I contact him there when the time is right?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 3, 2020 at 10:02 pm

      Hi Sarah, yes I would suggest that you follow another NC period of at least 30 days and then reach out on messenger. Be sure not to ask for another meet up too soon as thats not getting your ex invested in spending time texting and phone calls with you. Read about the texting stage to start re attracting your ex

  17. Avatar


    May 24, 2020 at 2:51 pm

    Hi this was an interesting read!

    Me and my ex broke up 3 weeks ago (this has been after multiple break ups) and he has moved out. In the past it’s always been me trying to get us back together but I truly think it’s over this time. Is there a chance he could contact me about sorting things out? Or do you think as it’s been multiple times it’s definitely the end now?

    I just want to be together and it to be good!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 1, 2020 at 11:33 pm

      Hi Siobhan, there is no way I can tell you that he will reach out to you 100%, but what you can do is work on yourself and the Ungettable girl information so that he can see that you are doing well without him and that you are living your best life and he is just sat on the outside watching in

  18. Avatar


    May 20, 2020 at 3:53 am

    Hi Chris and Team!
    I wanted to tell you that the month long no contact actually worked for me! I’ve never had any luck with my exes in fact, my one ex is now engaged but I’ve been trying to be good this time around. My ex and I dated for almost a year and a half, had an amicable breakup, and managed to stay in touch and on good terms. We had an especially good conversation a month ago where it felt like we were really almost friends again and then time started going by where we weren’t talking (and we had talked about once a week before this). But I thought about your rule and I waited it out to see what would happen. It ended up being almost a month on the dot! But I ran into a mutual friend at the park yesterday and we talked for a bit, but I guess he told my ex about it because he texted me today and we talked for a little bit! I was a little unsure of how this whole thing goes so I’m grateful to have your advice! Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 8:02 pm

      This is awesome news thanks for your feedback 🙂

  19. Avatar


    May 14, 2020 at 2:10 pm

    I know you say 45 days is the limit, but my ex boyfriend and I maintained very positive communication in the the first 2 months since weve broken up and at times it even felt like we were becoming friends again, but we haven’t talked in the past month. I guess with quarantine theres been nothing to talk about. I know he sees me in a good light though. His birthdays at the end of june and I thought maybe that would be the perfect way to initiate contact again. Do you think that would be okay or do you think it might be too late?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 20, 2020 at 4:31 pm

      Hi Janelle we do not suggest that you reach out for a birthday after a No Contact period. I understand that you have been communicating since your break up but to follow this process we see that completing a No Contact sees the most success

  20. Avatar


    May 6, 2020 at 2:40 pm

    Hi just asking what do I do make contact with my ex agin it’s been 4 weeks since we broke up we had a fight and I missing him I don’t want him to think I’m despite or stalking him and it was a long distance relationship how can o snow him instead that I have feelings him and I cared for him and make him i Interested in me agin

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 12, 2020 at 7:13 pm

      Hi Amber, there are many articles that can help you produce your first reach out after NC

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