Today we are going to be talking about a question I get all the time from my coaching clients,
Chris, how long should you wait before you contact your ex?
From a broad perspective it may appear that this is a question with one singular answer but life isn’t just black and white, there are also shades of grey.
Today I’d like to explore how long you should wait to contact your ex after a breakup and also give you a few tips about what you should say to them if you want to position yourself properly to succeed in getting them back.
Let us begin!
An Exact Count Of How Long You Should Wait Before You Contact Your Ex
There are three big concepts I want to discuss with you today.
- The Three Time Frames
- The Paradigm Shift
- Indirectly Prepping Your Contact Strategy
I don’t expect you to become a master at these overnight. However, what I do expect is for you to pay attention and keep an open mind.
Your chances of success with your ex could very well rely on how and when you contact your ex.
Concept #1: The Three Time Frames
Are you familiar with the no contact rule?
When my coaching clients ask me what it is my response is almost robotic,
The No Contact Rule- Is a period of time where you ignore your ex on purpose with the intent of making them miss you while at the same time giving yourself some time to cultivate your own life.
I think I’ve probably recited that definition on this website hundreds of times.
Here’s what I typically don’t teach the average reader.
I have found that there are three ideal time frames for how long you should be doing the no contact rule for.
And it just so happens that when you contact your ex will rely heavily upon which time frame you choose during your no contact rule.
Oh, and in case you were wondering the no contact rule is an essential part of the overall strategy for getting your ex back.
It has to be done.
If you are skeptical just watch this,
Anyways, there are three time frames upon which I recommend your length of no contact should be.
- 21 Days
- 30 Days
- 45 Days
Some of my peers will sit there are recommend even longer no contact periods but I have found those to be ineffective.
Did you know that it takes a human being 66 days to form a new habit?
Following this line of thinking we can assume that if your ex wanted to it would only take them 66 days to get out of the habit of thinking about you.
This is why I never recommend long time frames for the no contact rule.
The highest I ever go is 45 days which is quite significant in my opinion.
Often when I am coaching someone they will ask,
How do I know which time frame is perfect for me?
It’s a good question which is why I’ve put together this little graphic,
The way I see it I think every person who goes through a breakup should always aim to start with the 30 day no contact rule.
This is the standard time period that most people recommend.
Often when you are starting a no contact rule you have no idea how effective it will be on your ex.
For some, it can be extremely effective and for others the signs might not be visible.
Here’s my point if you use the 30 day rule as your standard you can shift your time period based on how well things go with your ex.
Let’s say that you try the 30 day rule out on your ex and they contact you 15 times around day 7 of your attempt.
All of these messages are generally positive.
In this particular instance you might want to consider shifting the 30 day rule into a 21 day rule.
Of course, this can work the opposite way as well.
If you attempt the 30 day rule and don’t get any contact from your ex and are extremely worried about contacting them first.
You can always shift your no contact rule up to be a 45 day rule.
Concept #2: The Paradigm Shift
What is a paradigm shift?
The dictionary defines it as a fundamental change in approach or underlying assumptions.
I always like to describe it as outside the box thinking to my clients.
A paradigm shift is change.
It’s where one set of individuals expect you to do one thing and you do another thing.
It’s where you find a new way to do something.
Change is always present throughout a paradigm shift.
When I tell someone new about the no contact rule and get them to buy into it the one thing they always hear is the “make your ex miss you” part.
They completely skip over the “cultivate your own life” part.
I understand the temptation.
However, the single biggest mistake I see people making when they contact their exes is not creating a paradigm shift for their ex.
The no contact rule allows you time to create that paradigm shift.
What do I mean by that?
Look at this graphic below,
Perception is a powerful thing.
Right now your ex perceives you a certain way.
What we need to do is get you to create a paradigm shift and have them view you a different way.
When I was in college I had the pleasure of sitting next to a pretty girl. The problem was that she was a bit larger than I preferred for my own personal tastes.
It wasn’t that she was obese.
Far from it.
It was just that she was “big boned” I should say.
Anyways, since we sat next to each other we got to know each other and exchanged numbers.
She asked me on a few dates and I ended up always making an excuse.
She was very pretty but I couldn’t get past the fact that I viewed her as slightly overweight.
We always remained friendly but slowly and surely we kind of drifted apart.
I never did go on a date with her.
A few years later I was walking to my car with my friend and I ran into her.
It took me a while to recognize her because she looked so differently.
She had lost weight to the point that even my friend pulled me aside and said,
Wait, you had a chance to date her and you didn’t? What’s wrong with you?
I then commenced a very fumbled attempt to try to get her to go on a date with me but the tables had turned.
Instead, she stood me up.
That’s karma for you.
But the experience taught me something interesting.
If you can shift someones perception of you the entire game changes.
Concept #3: Indirectly Prep Your Contact Strategy
In case you haven’t read between the lines yet you are supposed to contact your ex after the no contact rule.
But what are you supposed to say?
I’m actually a big believer that you start prepping what you say before you even think of crafting a text message.
What do I mean by that?
One thing we know from research is that the possibility that your ex is paying attention to you after a breakup is high. Studies have suggested that 90% of exes will “Facebook Creep” you.
I say use this as an advantage.
Create the narrative that you want to create.
Shift the paradigm.
Have your ex watch the story of your life from afar only to wish they were there with you.
Social media is a weapon.
Make sure you use it effectively.
I’ll give you an example.
Last year I was doing a coaching call with a client and she was struggling what she was going to say to her ex after the no contact rule.
That was when I described the idea of “priming” to her.
Of slowly drip feeding information to her ex to excite him enough to respond to her messages.
She told me that she couldn’t really think of a way to text her ex but she wanted to find a non threatening way to tell him that she was going to be in his area for work.
They were long distance.
She didn’t want him to think that she was stalking him because she really did have work in his area.
Anyways, I started quizzing her on things that he was interested in throughout their relationship.
It turns out that he was a huge game of thrones fan.
So, we came up with the idea to do something outside the box and take this picture of the dragon queen,
And literally photoshop her face onto it,
Once that was done she was supposed to post it to Facebook with a caption like,
Check out my ride into (area the ex was) for work on Thursday?
She did this a good three days before she was supposed to go to work.
Her ex immediately liked the photo and texted her,
All because she primed her arrival properly.
Here is my point.
You need to be using social media like this.
Don’t copy the dragon queen thing entirely.
But use the idea for your own purposes!