The No Contact Rule

The no contact rule isn’t really a complicated concept to grasp. You basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time. Generally, the no contact rule occurs after a breakup. Yet, it’s amazing how many people have trouble doing this correctly. Thus, this page is meant to teach you how to successfully implement the no contact rule so you can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back.

(Disclaimer- I realize that this website is meant mostly for women who are trying to get their exes back. However, this particular page deals with a universal subject that can be used by both men and women. So, if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back then you came to the right place.)

Let’s Cut To The Chase… Can You Get Your Ex Back With The NC Rule?

It is very possible. That is why you are here right, to get your ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) back? Here is the deal though, I realize that over time I have become the “no contact” guy since I am such an advocate for it. As a result of this stereotype there are women and even men coming to this site that are under the impression that the no contact rule is all you have to do to get an ex back. That is actually not true. Getting your ex back is a very complicated process (I am not going to lie) that has a lot of different components to it. The no contact rule is only one of those components.

Now, if what you really want is a step by step guide that will lay out “the gameplan” to getting an ex back for you then I am here to tell you that I have created such a resource. It took me two months and 20,000 words but I did it. Check it out below:

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

What Is The No Contact Rule?

As stated above, it is basically an agreement with yourself that you are going to cut your ex out of your life for a certain period of time. Let me put this in terms that you will hopefully make things clearer:

Doing The Following Things Are NOT Allowed

  • Calling your ex on your phone.
  • Texting your ex.
  • Hanging out with them.
  • Emailing them.
  • Leaving your ex notes.
  • Bumping into them on purpose.

How Long To Keep No Contact Going?

30-days

Believe it or not but a lot of experts debate on this subject. Some will swear that 60 days (or two months) of not contacting an ex is optimal. Others claim that 90 days (or three months) is the way to go. I personally don’t agree with either of those assessments but then again each broken relationship is different and will require unique individual time frames. With that being said I believe that a minimum of 30 days is the way to go. This amount of time will give you and your ex enough breathing room to calm down and look at the situation more rationally.

Situations Where It Is Impossible To Avoid Contact

no eye contact

There will be certain situations where it will be impossible to ignore your ex. Remember, your goal with a no contact period is not to become a jerk so there is no reason to use it that way. If you find yourself in these situations and ONLY IN THESE SITUATIONS you can break your no contact agreement but there is a certain way you have to act.

Situation 1- If you have kids with the person. No contact in this case can be tricky. Your goal is to remain calm, civil and pleasant during any interactions with your ex. However, keep any talking simple and short. If you immediately cave and start talking about your feelings not only will you turn the person completely off but having a “feelings” conversation in front of your kids probably isn’t the best venue. After your interaction go straight back into no contact mode. This means no calling, texting or facebooking them.

Situation 2- If you live with this person even after the breakup. No doubt it can be really tricky to “no contact” a person when they are literally living with you. While this situation may suck it certainly isn’t impossible to cut off a significant portion of your contact with them. Your goal in this case is to be a very respectful roommate. However, you also need to remember that you are creating a new life of which they are separate from (or you need to appear to be creating one.) Again, keep any conversation simple, short and pleasant.

Situation 3- This one isn’t really like the other situations. Your ex may call you or show up on your doorstep wanting to collect their belongings. If this happens don’t be a jerk and prevent them from getting their stuff. You should know the drill, keep any conversation short and simple. If they try to talk about your relationship don’t get baited into doing so.

I Broke The No Contact Rule. What Now?

rule

So, we have already established that in order to do a NC (No Contact Rule) correctly you are going to have essentially cut your ex out of your life for a minimum of 30 days. Now, a lot of you may be thinking that doing that is a piece of cake. If so, then you would be dead wrong. You’d be surprised at the amount of people who break on the first day. It can be especially hard when your heart is begging you to just pick up the phone and type a simple text message to your ex. Unfortunately, by breaking NC you are losing power and control over your relationship which at this stage is a very bad thing.

Besides, breaking the NC means you have to start over from day one. For example, lets just say that you advanced 15 days without even initiating contact with your ex (he/she may have contacted you but we will talk about that later on this page.) However, on day 16 you cave and contact them. Well, by doing this you are going to have to start your NC period over again FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. In order for this process to work you need to prove that you can go 30 full days without relying on your ex for a conversation.

A Stressful Choice

You may find that as you embark on this essential 30 day freeze out from your ex that they may try to initiate contact with you. If this happens I guarantee you that you are going to want to talk to them. Maybe they call you. Maybe they send you that simple one word text “hey.” Whatever happens DO NOT CAVE IN if this contact comes before the allotted 30 days. Even then though, you can’t begin to think about talking to your ex until you complete some of the other things outlined on this page which leads us to our next section…

What To Do During The No Contact Period

choices

You didn’t think you were just going to sit around on the couch all day catching up on re-runs of Friends during this time did you? No, I am very big into remaining active and so should you. This is a perfect time to improve yourself which is exactly what you are going to be doing during this time. You are going to become the best version of yourself mentally and physically! But first I feel compelled to mention:

Behaviors To Avoid

  •  Staying at home all day or refusing to go out.
  • Drinking too much alcohol.
  • Sleeping all day long.
  • Telling everyone you have ever known about your breakup.
  • Making major life decisions.
  • Calling in sick to work.

The smartest thing that you can do during NC is to improve yourself both mentally and physically. Lets start by taking a look at how you can improve yourself physically.

Positive Physical Changes

change your appearance

Break-ups can happen for many different reasons. However, if you know for a fact that your ex became less attracted to you over the course of your relationship you can work to change that. When talking about physical changes during the NC period you should aim to become the sexiest version of yourself. For example, if you let yourself go a little bit during the relationship then it would be wise to use your time getting in better physical shape. Not only are the health benefits immense to getting in good shape but it can legitimately be a step in the right direction to getting an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back. Lets take a look at more positive physical changes you can make in your life:

  • Lose weight (if you are overweight.)
  • Quit smoking (especially if your ex significant other had a problem with this.)
  • Update your wardrobe.
  • Get a new haircut.
  • Be sure that your hygiene is taken care of.
  • Clean up your diet.
  • Treat any skin problems you may have (example: acne.)

Positive Mental Changes

best activites during no contact

Becoming the sexiest version of yourself is only half the battle when it comes to taking a positive step towards getting your ex back. In fact, you could make the argument that the mental side of things during the no contact period is even more important than the physical side. First off, let me define what I am going to include in this section. Obviously the positive mental changes is going to cover mental aspects but it will also help you understand the importance of not falling off the map socially. Lets take a look at what some of the most important mental changes you can make are:

  • Prepare yourself for the fact that there is no guarantee that you will be getting your ex back.
  • Do some brainstorming and determine what the real reason of your breakup with your ex was.
  • Keep your friends close and confide in them. They are there to listen.
  • If your friends are going out or you are invited out, GO!
  • Don’t be afraid to go on a date with someone new if you really want to. It’s ok, this can actually help you get your ex boyfriend back.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

no-talking

In this section we are going to study some of the major benefits to implementing a NC rule immediately after your breakup. Hopefully this section will make you realize the true importance of not talking to your ex for 30 days. By now you should realize that the NC rule is important even if you aren’t trying to get your ex back because it will force you to focus on the most important thing, YOU!

Right now you are crazy. Immediately after a breakup is when you are at your most… “emotional” state. Taking a break from your ex for a minimum of 30 days will give you time to calm down and think more rationally. Not only this but it will give your ex some time to calm down as well. Nothing is going to get accomplished if the both of you are constantly a word away from getting into an argument.

It’s a psychological tactic to getting your ex back if you want. Think of it this way, by ignoring your ex they are going to begin to wonder why he/she isn’t begging me to take them back. It’s interesting, because it allows you to essentially turn the tables on them and gain control over the situation.

Instead of focusing on fighting with your ex you can focus on healing. The no contact rule isn’t just a psychological tactic to getting your ex back it is also a way to ensure that you have time to properly heal. breakup up sucks no if’s, and’s or buts about it. With a month of free time away from your ex you can really get a lot done in the healing department.

Prevents the infamous on again-off again relationship. I am sure you have met one of these types of couples that break up every few months only to get back together again after a few weeks. Healthy relationships are not built on a shaky foundation. They are built by strong ones and the no contact period allows you the proper amount of time to start building that strong foundation again.

You might learn after some soul searching that you don’t want to get back with this person again. This happens a lot more than you realize. Someone who feels so strongly about their ex goes on the 30 day freeze out period and after the 30 days are up they realize that they have no desire to get back with this person again.

Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
Put your email address in the box to the right to follow along day by day as I show two women (Sarah and Kai) exactly what they need to do to get their ex boyfriends back.
3,420 Responses to The No Contact Rule
  1. nyc
    March 29, 2015 | 12:50 pm

    Hi Chris,

    What if after the NC of 30 days, and he asked why do i ignored him and he got angry because i didnt wish him for his birthday. what should i say?

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 1:56 pm

      Say you weren’t ready to talk to anyone at that time.

      • nyc
        March 29, 2015 | 2:47 pm

        what if he gets really mad that i did not wish him?

  2. Chloe
    March 28, 2015 | 9:50 pm

    My ex and I broke it off after 10 months together. He was the pursuer in the beginning when I was still seeing other people, wrote me a love letter, and I decided to commit. He called every day, and at first I found that annoying. I then settled into realizing there was real love there, and to feel worthy of it, vulnerable to it, and accept it. He would talk about traveling with me, moving with me in a years time, etc. He was solid in his love for me. After a few months he got really busy with work, and just stopped doing the calling and texting. He couldn’t set aside a date night, couldn’t every make plans with me, and just said things like “sorry but Im way to busy and I can’t give you that.” It then became a matter of me dealing with his silence and begging for answers, only to be told maybe he wasn’t as ready as he thought, after I finally let my guard down. Since the breakup (which started seeming like a possibility In January, but actually occurred at the end of February) he has said he still loves me but doesn’t know what that love means, needs to focus on himself, is too busy etc. He also took an impromptu trip and decided he might move to the city he visited and doesn’t think he can see me in his travels anymore. He does call and text but very rarely, and I have definitely been the one doing most of the contacting. We have slept together, hugged, kissed, and theres a lot of feeling there for both of us still. It has been off and on but with no guarantee of commitment on his end, and no clarity. He says he doesn’t want to give me hope (although the nights with him give me hope even if its false hope.) I have read many of your posts and listen to your podcast. I guess I am asking if it is too late to successfully implement no contact now, and wondering if it will be less effective. We have had mini no contact periods but I was always the first to cave. I need that reassurance that its still worth doing. Thank you for all your insights!

  3. Barb
    March 28, 2015 | 9:17 pm

    I was dating this guy for about 2 months. We had been talking for 7 months before he decided he wanted it to go somewhere. Just some background, he has been in long term relationships that led to marriage proposals but they declined and he’s now kinda a recluse when it comes to dating. He works a lot and focuses on himself. He’s a little selfish as well. I am way above him education and status wise but we have a strong connection and I never cared about status anyway. So I’ve brought up where the relationship was going a couple of times and have been needy on occasion. Mostly, it’s a reaction to him not communicating with me. He would not respond to texts or phone calls for 1-2 days, which annoyed me. Whenever I brought this up he would say it annoyed him. Anyway, I went out of town for work and then drove back to see him but he was very busy. He refused to make time to see me. So I went to his work to see him. Things seemed fine. Then I went back to my city of work and texted him that I was sorry for bugging him so much. He texted back that he was sick of us having the same discussion about this…I’m guessing he meant the conversation of us not connecting as much as I would like. Anyway, I took that as a break up text and stopped contacting him altogether. Is this an appropriate context for NC? Or should I confirm that we are indeed broken up first? By the way, he never wanted to confirm that we were together…he said it stressed him out. He only said we were exclusively seeing each other and he wanted to keep it that way. Thanks!!

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 2:12 pm

      Yes it is an appropriate context!

  4. Jay
    March 27, 2015 | 12:40 am

    So I left an earlier comment (no rush to reply!), but my birthday is coming up in April. I just started the no contact rule, but from how it ended between us, I feel like it might have a good chance at working out again. He had told me that he needed some alone time, but that I was one of the best people to walk into his life and he didn’t know what was wrong with him.

    In case you haven’t read my comment, we’ve been dating for 4 months and it was great up until i wanted to spend more time with him. He plays video games a lot (like i mean a lot!!) and i was completely cool about it. I like video games too, but i just wanted to spend more time with him since we only go one day a week to see each other since our schedules were so busy.

    Long story kinda short, he cut it off with me saying that he couldn’t balance it out and it wasn’t fair to me; that i would be better off without him. It could be that he was too afraid to break it off with me, but i feel like maybe he just doesn’t know what he wants. I want to try to get him back since we did have a really good dynamic with each other, but i dont know what to do if he wishes me a happy birthday. Does the no contact rule still apply or should i reply back with a simple thank you and then proceed with no contact?

    • admin
      March 29, 2015 | 3:04 pm

      Unfortuanately you will have to ignore him…

  5. Mimi
    March 23, 2015 | 12:57 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I moved out on my bf of 3 years in Jan for soul searching reasons. We agreed to stay together but after my move out he became distant and said that the move was a slap in his face and he didn’t know how to handle it any more. He ended up ending things with my at the end of Jan sayign he needed space and time to cool off bc his anxiety was through the roof.

    Since then for the entire month of Feb and part of March, I showed up at the house we lived in and cried, sent him emails, drunk dialed once, etc. etc. I hit rock bottom a week ago when I showed up at the house thinking he was “cheating” on me during this limbo only to have him tell me he had someone house sitting. We hugged each other and told each other we loved each other. He was confused why I was going so crazy.

    I decided I needed time to cool of and get my emotions in check. I left to visit family out of state and am with them now for 2 weeks. I texted him from the airport and he called and said he never stopped loving or caring about me and that he thought me moving out would be a step back but that we would get back together and we haven’t – part of it is because he keeps having anxiety every time he thinks about me and our last year together where i was pushing engagement/kids/selling house, etc. which I now realize I was wrong to do so.

    We left it off at let’s touch base when I get back – he’s texted me once since to see if I landed safely to which I said I did thank you. And I’ve gone dark since.

    It’s really hard, because it’s been what feels to me like forever since he ended things with me at the end of Jan and I’m confused as to why he hasn’t found time to try to mend things between us if he says he loves me. I’m thinking it’s the anxiety and the fact that I have been so pushy these last few months.

    Do you think NC will still work in this case…?

Leave a Reply

Wanting to leave an <em>phasis on your comment?

Trackback URL http://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/the-no-contact-rule/trackback/