The No Contact Rule

The no contact rule isn’t really a complicated concept to grasp. You basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time. Generally, the no contact rule occurs after a breakup. Yet, it’s amazing how many people have trouble doing this correctly. Thus, this page is meant to teach you how to successfully implement the no contact rule so you can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back.

(Disclaimer- I realize that this website is meant mostly for women who are trying to get their exes back. However, this particular page deals with a universal subject that can be used by both men and women. So, if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back then you came to the right place.)

Let’s Cut To The Chase… Can You Get Your Ex Back With The NC Rule?

It is very possible. That is why you are here right, to get your ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) back? Here is the deal though, I realize that over time I have become the “no contact” guy since I am such an advocate for it. As a result of this stereotype there are women and even men coming to this site that are under the impression that the no contact rule is all you have to do to get an ex back. That is actually not true. Getting your ex back is a very complicated process (I am not going to lie) that has a lot of different components to it. The no contact rule is only one of those components.

Now, if what you really want is a step by step guide that will lay out “the gameplan” to getting an ex back for you then I am here to tell you that I have created such a resource. It took me two months and 20,000 words but I did it. Check it out below:

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

What Is The No Contact Rule?

As stated above, it is basically an agreement with yourself that you are going to cut your ex out of your life for a certain period of time. Let me put this in terms that you will hopefully make things clearer:

Doing The Following Things Are NOT Allowed

  • Calling your ex on your phone.
  • Texting your ex.
  • Hanging out with them.
  • Emailing them.
  • Leaving your ex notes.
  • Bumping into them on purpose.

How Long To Keep No Contact Going?

30-days

Believe it or not but a lot of experts debate on this subject. Some will swear that 60 days (or two months) of not contacting an ex is optimal. Others claim that 90 days (or three months) is the way to go. I personally don’t agree with either of those assessments but then again each broken relationship is different and will require unique individual time frames. With that being said I believe that a minimum of 30 days is the way to go. This amount of time will give you and your ex enough breathing room to calm down and look at the situation more rationally.

Situations Where It Is Impossible To Avoid Contact

no eye contact

There will be certain situations where it will be impossible to ignore your ex. Remember, your goal with a no contact period is not to become a jerk so there is no reason to use it that way. If you find yourself in these situations and ONLY IN THESE SITUATIONS you can break your no contact agreement but there is a certain way you have to act.

Situation 1- If you have kids with the person. No contact in this case can be tricky. Your goal is to remain calm, civil and pleasant during any interactions with your ex. However, keep any talking simple and short. If you immediately cave and start talking about your feelings not only will you turn the person completely off but having a “feelings” conversation in front of your kids probably isn’t the best venue. After your interaction go straight back into no contact mode. This means no calling, texting or facebooking them.

Situation 2- If you live with this person even after the breakup. No doubt it can be really tricky to “no contact” a person when they are literally living with you. While this situation may suck it certainly isn’t impossible to cut off a significant portion of your contact with them. Your goal in this case is to be a very respectful roommate. However, you also need to remember that you are creating a new life of which they are separate from (or you need to appear to be creating one.) Again, keep any conversation simple, short and pleasant.

Situation 3- This one isn’t really like the other situations. Your ex may call you or show up on your doorstep wanting to collect their belongings. If this happens don’t be a jerk and prevent them from getting their stuff. You should know the drill, keep any conversation short and simple. If they try to talk about your relationship don’t get baited into doing so.

I Broke The No Contact Rule. What Now?

rule

So, we have already established that in order to do a NC (No Contact Rule) correctly you are going to have essentially cut your ex out of your life for a minimum of 30 days. Now, a lot of you may be thinking that doing that is a piece of cake. If so, then you would be dead wrong. You’d be surprised at the amount of people who break on the first day. It can be especially hard when your heart is begging you to just pick up the phone and type a simple text message to your ex. Unfortunately, by breaking NC you are losing power and control over your relationship which at this stage is a very bad thing.

Besides, breaking the NC means you have to start over from day one. For example, lets just say that you advanced 15 days without even initiating contact with your ex (he/she may have contacted you but we will talk about that later on this page.) However, on day 16 you cave and contact them. Well, by doing this you are going to have to start your NC period over again FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. In order for this process to work you need to prove that you can go 30 full days without relying on your ex for a conversation.

A Stressful Choice

You may find that as you embark on this essential 30 day freeze out from your ex that they may try to initiate contact with you. If this happens I guarantee you that you are going to want to talk to them. Maybe they call you. Maybe they send you that simple one word text “hey.” Whatever happens DO NOT CAVE IN if this contact comes before the allotted 30 days. Even then though, you can’t begin to think about talking to your ex until you complete some of the other things outlined on this page which leads us to our next section…

What To Do During The No Contact Period

choices

You didn’t think you were just going to sit around on the couch all day catching up on re-runs of Friends during this time did you? No, I am very big into remaining active and so should you. This is a perfect time to improve yourself which is exactly what you are going to be doing during this time. You are going to become the best version of yourself mentally and physically! But first I feel compelled to mention:

Behaviors To Avoid

  •  Staying at home all day or refusing to go out.
  • Drinking too much alcohol.
  • Sleeping all day long.
  • Telling everyone you have ever known about your breakup.
  • Making major life decisions.
  • Calling in sick to work.

The smartest thing that you can do during NC is to improve yourself both mentally and physically. Lets start by taking a look at how you can improve yourself physically.

Positive Physical Changes

change your appearance

Break-ups can happen for many different reasons. However, if you know for a fact that your ex became less attracted to you over the course of your relationship you can work to change that. When talking about physical changes during the NC period you should aim to become the sexiest version of yourself. For example, if you let yourself go a little bit during the relationship then it would be wise to use your time getting in better physical shape. Not only are the health benefits immense to getting in good shape but it can legitimately be a step in the right direction to getting an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back. Lets take a look at more positive physical changes you can make in your life:

  • Lose weight (if you are overweight.)
  • Quit smoking (especially if your ex significant other had a problem with this.)
  • Update your wardrobe.
  • Get a new haircut.
  • Be sure that your hygiene is taken care of.
  • Clean up your diet.
  • Treat any skin problems you may have (example: acne.)

Positive Mental Changes

best activites during no contact

Becoming the sexiest version of yourself is only half the battle when it comes to taking a positive step towards getting your ex back. In fact, you could make the argument that the mental side of things during the no contact period is even more important than the physical side. First off, let me define what I am going to include in this section. Obviously the positive mental changes is going to cover mental aspects but it will also help you understand the importance of not falling off the map socially. Lets take a look at what some of the most important mental changes you can make are:

  • Prepare yourself for the fact that there is no guarantee that you will be getting your ex back.
  • Do some brainstorming and determine what the real reason of your breakup with your ex was.
  • Keep your friends close and confide in them. They are there to listen.
  • If your friends are going out or you are invited out, GO!
  • Don’t be afraid to go on a date with someone new if you really want to. It’s ok, this can actually help you get your ex boyfriend back.

Why The No Contact Rule Works

no-talking

In this section we are going to study some of the major benefits to implementing a NC rule immediately after your breakup. Hopefully this section will make you realize the true importance of not talking to your ex for 30 days. By now you should realize that the NC rule is important even if you aren’t trying to get your ex back because it will force you to focus on the most important thing, YOU!

Right now you are crazy. Immediately after a breakup is when you are at your most… “emotional” state. Taking a break from your ex for a minimum of 30 days will give you time to calm down and think more rationally. Not only this but it will give your ex some time to calm down as well. Nothing is going to get accomplished if the both of you are constantly a word away from getting into an argument.

It’s a psychological tactic to getting your ex back if you want. Think of it this way, by ignoring your ex they are going to begin to wonder why he/she isn’t begging me to take them back. It’s interesting, because it allows you to essentially turn the tables on them and gain control over the situation.

Instead of focusing on fighting with your ex you can focus on healing. The no contact rule isn’t just a psychological tactic to getting your ex back it is also a way to ensure that you have time to properly heal. breakup up sucks no if’s, and’s or buts about it. With a month of free time away from your ex you can really get a lot done in the healing department.

Prevents the infamous on again-off again relationship. I am sure you have met one of these types of couples that break up every few months only to get back together again after a few weeks. Healthy relationships are not built on a shaky foundation. They are built by strong ones and the no contact period allows you the proper amount of time to start building that strong foundation again.

You might learn after some soul searching that you don’t want to get back with this person again. This happens a lot more than you realize. Someone who feels so strongly about their ex goes on the 30 day freeze out period and after the 30 days are up they realize that they have no desire to get back with this person again.

Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
Put your email address in the box to the right to follow along day by day as I show two women (Sarah and Kai) exactly what they need to do to get their ex boyfriends back.
3,209 Responses to The No Contact Rule
  1. Danika
    January 27, 2015 | 7:07 am

    Hi Chris
    Thank you so very much for these pages. What incredible encouragement you give. Very inspiring.
    I have spent the last six months with a guy who I met off a dating site. But ‘not in a relationship’ as he stated clearly from the start he didn’t want one. Ironic when on a dating site. So we spent lots of nights together and the odd morning but that was it. No dating, no going out, no meeting his friends/family etc. I called it quits when I realised it was a pretty one sided relationship and I was the reliable booty call.
    I felt very used. It was easy telling him I couldn’t do it anymore, he accepted it and seemed surprise it had even lasted that long. But he did say we could stop the intimacy and still be friends, he didn’t want to lose that.
    A couple of days later I had him over for dinner as my way of beginning the friendship, but when he left I had the feeling he was pleased to leave, and I’ve had no contact from him since. So doing the nc part is easier than I thought – he has initiated it rather than me, but the longer it goes on, I’m hurting big time.
    He is a very lovely guy, with a good heart and has had a long term relationship previously, so I’m feeling I made a mistake by getting strong enough to call it off as my needs weren’t being met.
    Is this a situation where I stand any chance, or no chance?
    Any advice will be appreciated.
    Thank you.

    • admin
      January 27, 2015 | 3:14 pm

      Thank you Danika!

      You definietly stand a chance.

      ARe you plannin gon doing NC?

      • Danika
        January 28, 2015 | 4:29 am

        I fully plan on following this. Even though I’m really hurting right now, I’m inspired by the feedback that proves I do stand a chance. I have taken it a step further and decided to re-start Day 1 again (twice!) as I have seen him driving around the area – he lives close. And that alone was enough to make my heart sink. So I’m beginning to get it, that to recover in a positive way, I need a clear head for what may/may not happen in the future.
        Thank you.

        • admin
          January 28, 2015 | 5:00 pm

          Glad you plan on following it.

          And very good pick up about the clear head.

  2. Geri
    January 27, 2015 | 6:29 am

    Chris! Help! I broke no contact twice! I was doing so well and he kept texting me and I caved, it even lead to a phone call! Ahhhh! Then started over and lasted the same about of time as the first (about 10 days or so) then I texted him!, it was not a good the second time-he was irritated and basically blamed me for everything:( so I started once again and have not contacted him, doing good but going nuts this time because its been 17 days and i haven’t heard a thing from either. Will this work even though NC has been broken twice? Tell me the harsh truth, I’ve got no chance at getting him back now right?

    • admin
      January 27, 2015 | 3:12 pm

      You need to be more disciplined. Today a girl who was doing NC got 41 missed calls from her ex because she was doing NC.

  3. Brenda Lilly
    January 27, 2015 | 4:34 am

    Hey Chris,

    I would be so grateful if you took the time to read through this. I have a somewhat unique situation. I am in college and have been talking to this boy since the beginning of September. About a month ago we started texting every day hanging out almost every day (live in the same building) and hung out on the weekends (intimately not just as friends). The connection we have, the comfortability and honesty between each other is so different from any relationship I have had before. He has said the same thing about me and said he had dated someone for four years and in the one month we have been talking he has never had something like it before. However, he does not want to be exclusive. I told him that he had to make a choice. That he could not hang out/text every day with me and have fun with other girls on the weekend. He has said that I am so different and do not even compare to other girls so hooking up with other girls would not effect his connection with me. He said he does not want to hurt me by getting into an exclusive relationship and messing up. I said he had to make a choice and he said he was not ready to be exclusive. He was very upset, and he kept asking me for more time to make a choice. What do you think of this situation? I am attempting to implement NC, however, I have already run into him twice and he has tried to talk. Is NC implementable in this specific case?

    • admin
      January 27, 2015 | 3:04 pm

      It absolutely is!

  4. Rochelle
    January 26, 2015 | 3:17 pm

    So, 20 days into NC and I broke it. I texted him a Bible verse that made me think of him and added “I hope you’re doing well”. No response. I’m not surprised he didn’t respond, but I’m also bummed. I’ve never been completely ignored before. I know I would have to start NC over, but is it even worth it at this point?

    • admin
      January 27, 2015 | 2:10 pm

      Bible verse?

      What was the thinking there?

      • Rochelle
        January 27, 2015 | 2:29 pm

        We’re both spiritual, and it’s a verse very similar to one of his favorites. It was something for encouragement because he told me before we broke up that he wasn’t in the best of mental spaces.

  5. What to do :)
    January 26, 2015 | 12:16 pm

    Hi

    I broke up with my ex in August. After me being too needy and him not being sure about what he wanted.

    He worked away from August until the end of November. I used this time as no contact, and replied to two emails only, and then went into no contact for over two months. He likes things on FB and posted a lot, something that he does not usually do.

    When he got back he contacted me, I waited a day to reply and then replied and said all was well. He said that he wanted to check in that we were friends. I said that we were and ended to text conversation. Two weeks later, a picture and reminder of lovely times, I replied saying that this was nice. And then a flirty merry Christmas and the same for new year. I messaged the following morning and we had a conversation that I ended, he then text to say that he’d like me to ‘keep him posted’ re anything I had to add to the conversation that we had had. This was almost four weeks ago and I haven’t replied.

    I think he is mint and want to have a relationship with him, however am aware that we went from serious to him picking me up and putting me down when it was god for him. He’s by far a bad person, however seemed confused and not sure of what he wanted.

    I am currently coming up to my 30 days of no contact. I did this in hope that he may instigate contact, but am now wondering if he may just think that I am not bothered.

    Thing is I want to be with him, but not if it’s in a half arsed/ unsure kind of way … as I think this would be unhealthy.

    I guess I’m writing to ask … would you advise that I hold out for him and / risk losing what may only be a causal relationship/ instigate contact after 30 days?

    On a side note … no contact has done me the world of good … I feel clear about what I want … but (and I hope this doesn’t sound silly) but … I am unsure about making contact with him because this may indicate that I was happy with what we had before … which I was not.

  6. carol
    January 23, 2015 | 3:10 pm

    hi kevin,
    it’s been two weeks since me and my boyfriend broke up. he cheated on me. we’re two years in a relationship. November this year,2015, i felt there’s something very unusual with him. i checked on his fb and i saw woman who is flirting with him. he denied me to this girl for several times, as he said on their conversation. i also confronted the girl and she said they were a month in a relationship. i told this to him and he only said sorry everytime i asked him. so i broke up with him. after a week, i’ve been miserable and i dont know why i texted him that i want him back, i love him so much, and he said, “you’d just gave me away and then you want me to return from you?” that’s only for a night. and after that we had fight, i told him how bad he is. then after that night, i said sorry for everything. i said i love him and i miss him, and didn’t text him. and additional to that story, he asked me what i wanted him to do, i replied that he leave the girl but he didnt answer. i knew he wouldnt do what i want. he explained that it’s just happened that he fell in love with the girl. he doesnt even know why.

    he said he loves me. he loves me but he dont want to leave the girl for me? :) thank you for paying attention to this message and if there will be advices that you will give, much appreciated. :)

    • carol
      January 23, 2015 | 3:11 pm

      may mistake! it’s chris. im sorry.

    • admin
      January 23, 2015 | 4:04 pm

      Have you implemented the NC rule yet?

  7. vanessa
    January 23, 2015 | 5:56 am

    hi … i’ve been dating a guy on and off for the past year. and i want to commit to him but i made a mistake by giving him my ALL.

    well, i’ve given him the no contact but it didnt last very long. it did open up his attention. about 6 months past now and i decided to do it again and this time 30-day. i heard he’s dating someone else now and i feel its more of a fling than anything but do you think this 30-day method will work the same with someone i’m just dating too?

    • admin
      January 23, 2015 | 4:36 pm

      I think it will.

  8. onkar
    January 22, 2015 | 1:43 pm

    Hey….just want to keep it short!
    I was insecure regarding her new guy friend who was serious about my girl….she used to mention a lot about him everytime…even to her friends and family…things went for a toss as i wasnt comfortable….she felt i was doubting her loyalty after 3 years of our relationship…but trust me i didnt doubt her…i just had a feeling that she might be liking him for certain things like a better career and age difference…etc!

    Yes i made a big mistake by talking to people outside regarding my relationship problems….and when people came asking her about her guy friend…she said she doesnt trust me anymore!….she called off the relationship and told me its over and there is nothing gonna happen in future.

    Now im stuck up…cuz i was shit serious…it was our first relationship…we didnt speak at all for a month..and when i contacted her after that….she said shes moving on !

    Will the NC still help???

  9. Hjalte
    January 22, 2015 | 4:08 am

    Hey Chris! I really love reading you pages, it makes me think positive thoughtd about my entire situation.
    So I met this girl and we became best friends. She had a drug problem that I helped her through and it was very tough. She promised me to never take drugs again. After a while she became my girlfriend. We were dating for about 6 months and I loved her more than ever. But then a lot of problems startet to happen. She had just moved in at my house. I live in the basement and have 1 room. Er loved it for about 1.5 month, but then u got sick with my stomach and I wasnt really able to do anything for a month. In this month we grew tired if eachother, I mean who wouldnt after 1 month of constantly spending every day just laying in bed. We then realised that we lived eachother so much that we wanted to be a part of each others lives for a long time, and that this couldnt happen when we were dating. So she moved out and we tried to build a strong friendship instead. We were both madly in love so we decided that we were only friends right now but we wouldnt see other people until we would get it all in perspejtive. Then after 2 month we had an agreement that we were going to watch a movie on saturday. Friday ahe is out with some friends and she tells me that she is heading home. But the next day I get a call frim her because she is having a bad reaction to Amphetamine aka. Speed that she had taken the night before without telling me. I got crushed because my first girlfriend cheated on me so trust is very important for me. I felt like she was betraying me and disrespekting me after everythinf that I had done for her. But she explained that she had had a rough time and she didnt know who she was and needed to know who she wasn’t. So I forgave her if she promised me never to take drugs again. She promised. A couple of month pass and we are in a very rough patch because I’m having a hard time trusting her. We also kissed and had sex a couple of times during this period. But things get better and on the 22. December 2014 we agree that we are now only friends and nothing more. But we agree that we will take it slow so once one of us have kissed with someone we would tell the other person so that we could get through it together. After new she gets a psychiatrist because ahe has some food problems. She is really bumbed about this and I love her so I ask her to move into my house and stay here for as long as she needs untill she gets better. She then moves in and everything is going great! So great that I’m falling inlove with her again. But then today january 22. 2015. We get into a fight about some pictures she had taken with a girl that she had kissed with while we were dating. I then tell her that I want no more secrets. She tells me that there are none left. But I could feel that that wasnt true. So after about 1 1/2 hour of trying to get her to tell me, she tells me that she had dealt some drugs for a friend of hers a couple of months back. I get angry and upset but I can feel that there is more. I always trust my gut. So after 1 hour more of asking. She tells me that 2 minth back she took some coke at a party. She knew how sad it was going to make me and that I would have a difficult time trusting her again after the first time with the drugs. But no no there is more. I then asked her to tell me everything. Put it all on the table. She said she couldn’t because I would hate her forever. But finally she told me that about 1.5 weeks ago, she had sex with someone. Her old best friend Anton. I got insanely sad han crushed that she hadn’t told me all this. I thought I knew her. A person that I spend almost erveryday with. I kick her out of the house and cries for hours without end. I then call another one of my friends and she tells me that my “ex girlfriend” told her about that she had had sex with anton at our new years party. Which means that they had had sex way before 1.5 weeks ago. I call her and asks why she lied about it. She says that she doesn’t know. But then I see the bigger picture. She had had sex with anton before december 31. But we only agreed to just be friends and take it slow on december 22. So within 9 days of that agreement she fucked him. But after new years we kissed and almost had sex multiple times. After she had sex with him. She says that she did it because she needed to move on, but that shw whishes she had never done it. I can’t help but to feel that she cheated on me. Abused me. Lied to me. And Took advantage if me. Even if she didnt cheat, we still agreed to take it slow and we agreed to Tell eachother. And she promised never tot ake drugs again. She did all of these things after I had done everything for her. But I stilm sit here in my bed, and wants to forgive her and luve with her. But I don’t know if I should, I don’t know if I can. My friends tell me to let her go! And I really want to. But we were special. We really was. I was thinking of doing the No Contact rule on her. To kind of get my mind right. But she is comming over tomorrow to pick up her stuff. And I’m so afraid that if 30 days pass and I want to forgive her. Thats she then had sex with other dudes during those 30 days. And if I have with other women, that she then won’t be able to “forgive” me. I really need some guidance her.
    Hjalte

    • Hjalte
      January 22, 2015 | 4:29 am

      Sorry about some of the kayboard mistakes!

      • admin
        January 22, 2015 | 5:02 pm

        NP

    • admin
      January 22, 2015 | 5:03 pm

      Definitely do NC on her. She seems very messed up.

  10. Julie
    January 21, 2015 | 5:11 pm

    I just recently found out that my boyfriend of almost five years cheated on me almost a year ago. I found out by looking at his facebook messages and the worse part is that he had contacted her a few weeks ago more like seeing how she was doing. I felt so angry I sent him the screen shots of their conversation and told him I hope it was worth it. He only tried calling me 9 times when that happened and I ignored all of the calls. I didn’t speak to him two days after until I sent him a bunch of angry texts and he got mad as well so that’s when he said there was in point of keeping contact and basically saying we couldn’t be together even though I had initiated the break up.

    Saturday I see he tried to text me all day apologizing for what he did instead if making excuses like he tried before when we had our angry conversation. He said it hurts him that we suddenly stopped talking and offered to be there for me regardless. I didn’t reply at all to the messages trying to keep NC. Monday morning he sent a long message apologizing and explaining how sorry he was about cheating and that he still loves me and he can’t fix what he’s done. I still haven’t responded, and once he saw I didn’t respond he left me with bye Julie and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s hard to do NC I admit that and I do miss him. I’m still figuring out whether I can forgive him but part of me also thinks that he wouldn’t want to continue being in the relationship.

    I feel like wouldn’t he fight for me if he still wanted to be with me? All I got were texts explaining him being sorry, no phone calls just texts. If he really wanted this wouldn’t he put in more effort? Should I still continue NC even if he sent me those messages and I’m scared that because I didn’t reply he wouldn’t try to message me again :-(. He claims it was one mistake and that he has been in this relationship till the end but it’s hard to believe him since I never thought he would be able to cheat on me. Should I still do NC for the full 30 days? Right now I’m at 6 days of NC on my end.

    • admin
      January 22, 2015 | 4:44 pm

      Well, th equestion you need to ask is do you really want him back?

  11. Emma
    January 20, 2015 | 10:33 pm

    Hey Chris! Bought your book and have enjoyed reading through it!

    I have been doing no contact for 22 days. My ex and I work together and have basically been ignoring each other. He contacted me two days ago for the first time through text and said we needed to get over the awkwardness between us. I responded because I felt like it would be more awkward to see him at work after the text when he was trying to make things right. He apologized for how he had purposely been acting like a jerk after the breakup because he thought that would help me get over it. We ended up talking about more of our relationship than the plan suggests. He said he did miss me and that he has had a hard time with the breakup. I told him I felt the same way and asked him why he didn’t think we would get back together. He said he thought I was a great girl but at the end of the day we weren’t meant to be. He said I deserve someone better than him and didn’t think it would work.

    I think we’ve both changed during the two months that we’ve been broken up and really could end up together. I just have to convince him to give me another chance. He is a senior in college and, although he hasn’t said this, I honestly think he is scared of his future and doing a long distance relationship. The conversation went really well and we agreed to say hey at work but that we both need a little space.

    I plan on completing the next 10 days of no contact and then initiating the texting. Will this still work since we had contact or do I need to start completely over with 30 days? The conversation seemed very beneficial to us. He’s leaving town in 4 months and I think he is going to grow farther away if we don’t start working on getting back together soon. We did not have a bad breakup at all. He broke up with me because we argued too much and we both cried during the breakup. What would your advice be from here? Do I have a chance? I really look forward to hearing from you! Thank you for your help!

    • admin
      January 21, 2015 | 3:08 pm

      Hi Emma!

      Glad you enjoyed the book!

      I think it will still work though technically you should start over (we can give you a pass though.)

      • Emma
        January 21, 2015 | 4:44 pm

        Thanks Chris! I forgot to mention before that when we texted it was clear that I had still had feelings for him and would want another chance. Does that change anything? Do you think 15 more days of NC would suffice before I start texting him?

        • admin
          January 22, 2015 | 3:45 pm

          Not too much to be honest.

  12. Steph
    January 20, 2015 | 8:49 pm

    Hey Chris,

    Garrett and I have been best friends for 2 years. I fell for him pretty instantly, deeper than I’ve ever felt for anyone before (and I was once married… I feel more for Garrett than I ever did for my ex-husband). I told Garrett I was into him about 6 months after we met, but he said he didn’t feel the same about me (he was into another girl at the time, who never dated him, and he is long over her now).

    Garrett and I have been super close, and he told me that he has more emotional intimacy with me than he’s ever had with anyone in his life. Around Halloween, we started sleeping together. We’d been “cuddle buddies” for a while, then one night cuddling (both of us completely sober) got a bit hot and heavy, and we’ve been sleeping together ever since. But in the last couple months, I’ve noticed that the emotional intimacy has gotten a lot weaker than it used to be… he still opens up to me about important things, but only when I ask. He didn’t even tell me when his aunt died, I found out through his sister… something huge for him that he would’ve told me right away just a few months ago. We used to text all day, every day, and wouldn’t stop until one of us fell asleep; but now, we only text every few days, and it’s always short conversations now.

    Garrett and I had a talk a few weeks ago, and I brought up the subject of dating. His response was that “we hang out a lot,” though we’ve never been on a date. Then he followed it up with “I’m not really thinking of dating anyone at all right now. It’s just not a priority for me.” (We’re both in our early 30s, if that makes any difference.)

    I’ve realized that this isn’t really a relationship and at this point I’m setting myself up for heartbreak. He’s getting the girlfriend experience from me without the commitment and with the option of asking other girls out (though he hasn’t, and says he doesn’t plan to). I want something more between us. I’m almost always the one who initiates contact, and pretty much always the one who makes plans to hang out. I’m thinking of initiating NC, but I keep holding myself back because I’m afraid that if I do, it’ll just fizzle out the friendship and I’ll lose him altogether. Plus, since I’m always the one initiating contact, I don’t think he’ll really notice if he hasn’t heard from me in a while.

    I just keep thinking that all I have right now is all I’m going to get from him, and I hold on to that because I almost feel I’d rather have this half-assed relationship than nothing with him at all. But I know I’m worth more, and I know there are other guys out there who are willing to give me the world (and he knows this, too, but also knows I’m only interested in him). I want him, and I want him to treat me what I’m worth.

    Do you think there’s hope, or do you think that since I’ve been “giving the milk away for free” (as the saying goes) that I’ll just lose him? What’s your advice?

    • admin
      January 21, 2015 | 3:04 pm

      I really think you should take a chance and do the NC.

  13. SHARA
    January 20, 2015 | 3:13 am

    Hi Chris, please reply to my post :(

    • admin
      January 20, 2015 | 3:49 pm

      Hi there!

      I am replying now.

      • Caroline
        January 21, 2015 | 12:48 pm

        Hi Chris!
        I think it’s one of the best websites I’ve ever written about trying to get the relationship back! I’m writing to you just to ask some important question for me about NC rule: is it going to work if me and my ex-boyfriend had contact for about 2 months after a break-up?
        We have met four times . For about two months I was so distraught, begging him to come back. During the second meeting mostly I cried a lot. I wrote to him sometimes and he responded me almost always.
        After about two months I said to myself “stop, what you’re doing hasn’t gave you any positive results, you have to change the way of thinking” I was so angry at him but still missed him a lot so I decided to propose him on the third meeting to start seeing each other in a friendly atmosphere without any decisions, exactions… He said yes and agrees. I was so happy but I have waited for about two weekes for his proposition to meet. I didn’t get it..
        I wrote again, our conversation on facebook was so nice! Then we met, drunk coffe and talk, we were joking a lot and smiling. He also asked do I meet someone else.
        The same evening he wrote me a text message, I stopped a conversation after 3 hours. The next day he called me on a phone (it lookes like he wanted to have a contact, doesn’t it? )
        Then we met the last time, it was after Christmas.
        The next day I was too brazen, texted him first and then called him. On the first of January he send me a message with the best wishes. Two days later we talked on the phone (he called me first). On the 4th of January we had the last contact, he wroted a message to me on Fcb.
        Today is the 21st of January, we didn’t have any contact since 4th of January. What do you think about it? Im doing the NC rule, I want to cut off this contact for these 30 days as you said. But is it going to work ? Is it going to give some results after these 3 months os having contact with him? What can I do after these 30 days? Can I write him a message as you gave us advice?
        (Sorry for some mistakes about English language, I’m not so good at speaking and writing :) )
        I’m waiting for you to reply on my post!
        Best wishes,
        Caroline

        • admin
          January 21, 2015 | 3:24 pm

          Yes, it can still work!!!!

      • Shara
        January 26, 2015 | 3:20 am

        Hi Chris,

        Me & my boyfriend have been together for a year.He’s 8 years younger than me,Im his 1st gf. Everything was really great, I know he loves me so much, there was nothing he won’t do for me, and everyday we always hang out.His family & friends will say that his whole world seems to revolve around me. Honestly I think I was a little bit of a high maintenance girl as you’ve mentioned (I’m hoping I can work it out). Controlling a little bit, but I don’t stop him on having fun or going out, only if I think it wold do no good on him. We broke last month because we had a fight, it was me who broke up with him. Within that whole month I tried everything to reach out, text him, call him, I even planned an apology surprise for him, send him foods & letters. No response. NOw I have started the NO Contact, but still I’m on the 3rd day. Will it works?I mean though I was a bit controlling & high maintenance before?HE unfriend me on facebook, and his cousins told me that he has a new girl as his phone wallpaper, and his friends told me that before we broke up he gave a girl a gift,,, Please help me :)

      • Shara
        January 26, 2015 | 6:06 am

        Hi Chris,

        Me & my boyfriend have been together for a year.He’s 8 years younger than me,Im his 1st gf.e’s 15, we never had any problem at our age gap, or hard time adjusting. Atually we didn’t feel like we had age gaps at all. Everything was really great, I know he loves me so much, there was nothing he won’t do for me, and everyday we always hang out.His family & friends will say that his whole world seems to revolve around me. Honestly I think I was a little bit of a high maintenance girl as you’ve mentioned (I’m hoping I can work it out). Controlling a little bit, but I don’t stop him on having fun or going out, only if I think it wold do no good on him. We broke last month because we had a fight, it was me who broke up with him. Within that whole month I tried everything to reach out, text him, call him, I even planned an apology surprise for him, send him foods & letters. No response. NOw I have started the NO Contact, but still I’m on the 3rd day. Will it works?I mean though I was a bit controlling & high maintenance before?HE unfriend me on facebook, and his cousins told me that he has a new girl as his phone wallpaper, and his friends told me that before we broke up he gave a girl a gift,,, Please help me. He has been ignoring me since the break up and I don’t know if he’s mad or he dont care on me at all

  14. Angela
    January 19, 2015 | 5:52 pm

    Hey Chris. I wrote to you a while ago but Im not sure if my comment went through to you so Im typing it with update here.. My boyfriend of 2 and half years broke up with me yesterday because he felt like he couldnt handle a relationship and his studies at the same time. He is trying to become a doctor and he gave his first Mcat Tuesday, he didnt do too well and he thinks its because he cant focus when he has a relationship to handle too. We have been through this twice before.. Everytime he gets a bad grade in his college courses, he automatically wants to leave. Same happened yesterday. He cried a lot while saying he doesn’t want to commit to this right now, and the day he feels he really can, he will come back to me. I responded with “but I cant wait all my life for your feelings to change, I have to move on too.” And he said, “yes, don’t wait for me if you cant.. But I don’t want to mend this relationship right now. ” we both cried and I left. I truly loved him and he still loves me too, Chris. But he feels like he cant do relationship and focus on his career and trying to become a doctor at the same time. Im really not sure if No contact rule will work.. I have never tried this before except for the time that I broke up because he flirted with another girl.. I ignored him and he texted me a lot. But that was it. Before when he used to break up because of his studies, he would come back within 2 days or even the next day and I would message him saying, its fine.. We can make it work.. But now, I dont want to take any risks. I dont know what to do, Chris. I messaged him the next night after the break up saying we can make it work.. We have other ways, we dont have to break up. We has such deep love for each other. The only negative thing between us was that he couldnt handle stress or tough times. I know he still loves me. When I messaged him saying lets keep trying.. Lets not give up.. He said “Im deeply sorry. It is my decision to separate and I want to stand by it. Im choosing to let go of my love for my career. I feel like thats the right thing for me at this point of my life. I wish you the best from here on.” And I havent replied since. I know he needs some space to figure his things out. But, I also feel like he will not come back because his decision was so assertive this time. He even came to meet me face to face and break up (out of the blue!!) this was the first time he broke up face to face. I feel like its a permanent break up and Im just.. God.. Very very sad. We were each other’s first relationship, love, EVERYTHING. It was such a deep love and he is letting me go because of this. I never used to do NC when we broke up because of similar reasons. I would always call him and talk or text him.. Or he would text me saying lets be friends. I need you with me. And then everything will be sorted out again. But this time none of that happened.. i texted him right now saying “I cant do this.. Will you be able to see me moving on?” And he said “I dont want to be in a relationship. You have to move on.” And I havent replied. Will doing NC REALLY work in my case? Please help Chris.. I dont want to be in that hope of him coming to me if you think he wont.

    • admin
      January 20, 2015 | 3:32 pm

      I really think NC will work in your case!

      • Angela
        January 22, 2015 | 7:53 pm

        Hey Chris. I wanted to message him one last time before doing NC. He replied and told me he still loves me and it hurts him too but he DOES NOT want to be in a commitment AT ALL. Then he started reading my message but ignoring it. Then after a while he didnt even read my messages. Thats when I wrote me one last message saying that I dont want someone as selfish as him in my life and someone else really will be able to respect my feelings and love me unconditionally. I basically told him and its over from my side too. Because I know that is the best thing to do. Best thing FOR ME. He replied saying “I do not want this relationship. I want to do my things without having any other responsibilities, commitments, stresses, and distractions. I’m sorry for being selfish, but this is what I want to do. There are lots of unselfish guys out there that will keep you happier. I wish the best for you. Bye..” Okay. I guess it really is the end now. But somewhere in my heart, I do wish he would come back. But I know he wont. I will never ever message him again after this. Im not sure if you would like to call it NC or not. My brain cant function right now. He said “I dont want THIS relationship.” Specifically. I cant function this. Do you think we will EVER after a shot at this relationship again? What do you suggest that I should do at this point? :(

        • admin
          January 23, 2015 | 4:15 pm

          Nc rule seems ideal here.

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