The No Contact Rule


The no contact rule isn’t really a complicated concept to grasp. You basically cut off all communication with your ex for a certain amount of time. Generally, the no contact rule occurs after a breakup. Yet, it’s amazing how many people have trouble doing this correctly. Thus, this page is meant to teach you how to successfully implement the no contact rule so you can put yourself in the best position to get your ex back.

(Disclaimer- I realize that this website is meant mostly for women who are trying to get their exes back. However, this particular page deals with a universal subject that can be used by both men and women. So, if you are trying to get an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back then you came to the right place.)

Let’s Cut To The Chase… Can You Get Your Ex Back With The NC Rule?

It is very possible. That is why you are here right, to get your ex boyfriend (or girlfriend) back? Here is the deal though, I realize that over time I have become the “no contact” guy since I am such an advocate for it. As a result of this stereotype there are women and even men coming to this site that are under the impression that the no contact rule is all you have to do to get an ex back. That is actually not true. Getting your ex back is a very complicated process (I am not going to lie) that has a lot of different components to it. The no contact rule is only one of those components.

Now, if what you really want is a step by step guide that will lay out “the gameplan” to getting an ex back for you then I am here to tell you that I have created such a resource. It took me two months and 20,000 words but I did it. Check it out below:

Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO

What Is The No Contact Rule?

As stated above, it is basically an agreement with yourself that you are going to cut your ex out of your life for a certain period of time. Let me put this in terms that you will hopefully make things clearer:

Doing The Following Things Are NOT Allowed

  • Calling your ex on your phone.
  • Texting your ex.
  • Hanging out with them.
  • Emailing them.
  • Leaving your ex notes.
  • Bumping into them on purpose.

How Long To Keep No Contact Going?


Believe it or not but a lot of experts debate on this subject. Some will swear that 60 days (or two months) of not contacting an ex is optimal. Others claim that 90 days (or three months) is the way to go. I personally don’t agree with either of those assessments but then again each broken relationship is different and will require unique individual time frames. With that being said I believe that a minimum of 30 days is the way to go. This amount of time will give you and your ex enough breathing room to calm down and look at the situation more rationally.

Situations Where It Is Impossible To Avoid Contact

no eye contact

There will be certain situations where it will be impossible to ignore your ex. Remember, your goal with a no contact period is not to become a jerk so there is no reason to use it that way. If you find yourself in these situations and ONLY IN THESE SITUATIONS you can break your no contact agreement but there is a certain way you have to act.

Situation 1- If you have kids with the person. No contact in this case can be tricky. Your goal is to remain calm, civil and pleasant during any interactions with your ex. However, keep any talking simple and short. If you immediately cave and start talking about your feelings not only will you turn the person completely off but having a “feelings” conversation in front of your kids probably isn’t the best venue. After your interaction go straight back into no contact mode. This means no calling, texting or facebooking them.

Situation 2- If you live with this person even after the breakup. No doubt it can be really tricky to “no contact” a person when they are literally living with you. While this situation may suck it certainly isn’t impossible to cut off a significant portion of your contact with them. Your goal in this case is to be a very respectful roommate. However, you also need to remember that you are creating a new life of which they are separate from (or you need to appear to be creating one.) Again, keep any conversation simple, short and pleasant.

Situation 3- This one isn’t really like the other situations. Your ex may call you or show up on your doorstep wanting to collect their belongings. If this happens don’t be a jerk and prevent them from getting their stuff. You should know the drill, keep any conversation short and simple. If they try to talk about your relationship don’t get baited into doing so.

I Broke The No Contact Rule. What Now?


So, we have already established that in order to do a NC (No Contact Rule) correctly you are going to have essentially cut your ex out of your life for a minimum of 30 days. Now, a lot of you may be thinking that doing that is a piece of cake. If so, then you would be dead wrong. You’d be surprised at the amount of people who break on the first day. It can be especially hard when your heart is begging you to just pick up the phone and type a simple text message to your ex. Unfortunately, by breaking NC you are losing power and control over your relationship which at this stage is a very bad thing.

Besides, breaking the NC means you have to start over from day one. For example, lets just say that you advanced 15 days without even initiating contact with your ex (he/she may have contacted you but we will talk about that later on this page.) However, on day 16 you cave and contact them. Well, by doing this you are going to have to start your NC period over again FROM THE VERY BEGINNING. In order for this process to work you need to prove that you can go 30 full days without relying on your ex for a conversation.

A Stressful Choice

You may find that as you embark on this essential 30 day freeze out from your ex that they may try to initiate contact with you. If this happens I guarantee you that you are going to want to talk to them. Maybe they call you. Maybe they send you that simple one word text “hey.” Whatever happens DO NOT CAVE IN if this contact comes before the allotted 30 days. Even then though, you can’t begin to think about talking to your ex until you complete some of the other things outlined on this page which leads us to our next section…

What To Do During The No Contact Period


You didn’t think you were just going to sit around on the couch all day catching up on re-runs of Friends during this time did you? No, I am very big into remaining active and so should you. This is a perfect time to improve yourself which is exactly what you are going to be doing during this time. You are going to become the best version of yourself mentally and physically! But first I feel compelled to mention:

Behaviors To Avoid

  •  Staying at home all day or refusing to go out.
  • Drinking too much alcohol.
  • Sleeping all day long.
  • Telling everyone you have ever known about your breakup.
  • Making major life decisions.
  • Calling in sick to work.

The smartest thing that you can do during NC is to improve yourself both mentally and physically. Lets start by taking a look at how you can improve yourself physically.

Positive Physical Changes

change your appearance

Break-ups can happen for many different reasons. However, if you know for a fact that your ex became less attracted to you over the course of your relationship you can work to change that. When talking about physical changes during the NC period you should aim to become the sexiest version of yourself. For example, if you let yourself go a little bit during the relationship then it would be wise to use your time getting in better physical shape. Not only are the health benefits immense to getting in good shape but it can legitimately be a step in the right direction to getting an ex boyfriend or girlfriend back. Lets take a look at more positive physical changes you can make in your life:

  • Lose weight (if you are overweight.)
  • Quit smoking (especially if your ex significant other had a problem with this.)
  • Update your wardrobe.
  • Get a new haircut.
  • Be sure that your hygiene is taken care of.
  • Clean up your diet.
  • Treat any skin problems you may have (example: acne.)

Positive Mental Changes

best activites during no contact

Becoming the sexiest version of yourself is only half the battle when it comes to taking a positive step towards getting your ex back. In fact, you could make the argument that the mental side of things during the no contact period is even more important than the physical side. First off, let me define what I am going to include in this section. Obviously the positive mental changes is going to cover mental aspects but it will also help you understand the importance of not falling off the map socially. Lets take a look at what some of the most important mental changes you can make are:

  • Prepare yourself for the fact that there is no guarantee that you will be getting your ex back.
  • Do some brainstorming and determine what the real reason of your breakup with your ex was.
  • Keep your friends close and confide in them. They are there to listen.
  • If your friends are going out or you are invited out, GO!
  • Don’t be afraid to go on a date with someone new if you really want to. It’s ok, this can actually help you get your ex boyfriend back.

Why The No Contact Rule Works


In this section we are going to study some of the major benefits to implementing a NC rule immediately after your breakup. Hopefully this section will make you realize the true importance of not talking to your ex for 30 days. By now you should realize that the NC rule is important even if you aren’t trying to get your ex back because it will force you to focus on the most important thing, YOU!

Right now you are crazy. Immediately after a breakup is when you are at your most… “emotional” state. Taking a break from your ex for a minimum of 30 days will give you time to calm down and think more rationally. Not only this but it will give your ex some time to calm down as well. Nothing is going to get accomplished if the both of you are constantly a word away from getting into an argument.

It’s a psychological tactic to getting your ex back if you want. Think of it this way, by ignoring your ex they are going to begin to wonder why he/she isn’t begging me to take them back. It’s interesting, because it allows you to essentially turn the tables on them and gain control over the situation.

Instead of focusing on fighting with your ex you can focus on healing. The no contact rule isn’t just a psychological tactic to getting your ex back it is also a way to ensure that you have time to properly heal. breakup up sucks no if’s, and’s or buts about it. With a month of free time away from your ex you can really get a lot done in the healing department.

Prevents the infamous on again-off again relationship. I am sure you have met one of these types of couples that break up every few months only to get back together again after a few weeks. Healthy relationships are not built on a shaky foundation. They are built by strong ones and the no contact period allows you the proper amount of time to start building that strong foundation again.

You might learn after some soul searching that you don’t want to get back with this person again. This happens a lot more than you realize. Someone who feels so strongly about their ex goes on the 30 day freeze out period and after the 30 days are up they realize that they have no desire to get back with this person again.

Learn How To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
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3,138 Responses to The No Contact Rule
  1. lola
    December 12, 2014 | 3:37 am

    Hi Chris – haven’t seen this situation, so I would appreciate your take. I bought your ebook last spring, decided I didn’t want my ex back. Started to date, met a guy I have been seeing for 6 months once a week. We’ll call him “Thursday Guy.” I dated others one or two dates, but he was the only one I really liked.

    We had a great time together. His “aftertaste” is very sweet. The reason I cut off the dating relationship is because he was still surfing the dating site and didn’t seem willing to spend a little more time with me. He was content with our Thursdays. We did see each other a little more when we were working on a writing project together. We are writing a screenplay.

    After a week of NC, I texted him and suggested we continue the work, that we could be a writing team, and he texted me back within 4 minutes. (Record time).

    I think I might do the 30 day NC on him now, because I want him to initiate any get-togethers and have it come from him. Do you think his response was interesting? He may meet someone else in the meantime, but I will just try and be cool, aloof and unavailable for awhile.

    How does a guy like being Friend Zoned like that?

    • admin
      December 15, 2014 | 5:36 am

      Thursday guy?

      LOL how did that name come up?

      I think it was interesting!

  2. Emma
    December 10, 2014 | 9:40 pm

    hi, my boyfriend broke up with me on sunday because of my constant mood swings and picking fights due to having the implant. we were together for 9 months but friends for 3 years before. he text me the next day and said that he he was sorry for hurting me and that he would miss me and still wants to be friends? does this mean i can win him back if he can see i am trying to change and give him space? his sisters boyfriend is my manager at work, i work with two of his friends girlfriends that ive become close friends with and i work with a few of his sisters friends, will this work to my advantage? do you think NC is the best solution?

    • admin
      December 15, 2014 | 5:14 am

      I think it is best in this situation yes.

  3. Hannah
    December 10, 2014 | 3:56 pm

    Hi there. Mine was 4 1/2 on and off again relationship. The difference this time is he wanted to see what else is out there by trying online dating which he had tried previously during one of the off times. There was always contact during the off times even though he was trying to date. That of course didn’t last long once he saw what was out there. The grass is not greener on the other side.

    This time, things got heated when I pressed if he was interested in anyone on the online. He said it was none of my business as I went into panic and desperation mode. Since then, I have not contacted him. I forwarded an email to him from an employer with no comment in the subject line. I then changed the contact info from the employer which he would have received notication about. The very next day, I receive a text stating that he is in a relationship. I replied with ‘ok thanks for letting me know’. Basic and to the point with no emotion. Interestingly, the very next day, he took his new gf to my daughter’s work. I know he’s trying to get a reaction from me but I’m not taking the bait.
    So it’s only been a few days since he notified me of his new relationship. Of note, we’ve only been apart for a few weeks so yes it’s a rebound relationship. He’s trying to prove to me that he could find someone. Interestingly, this woman is completely the opposite of me. Pardon my expression, but she looks like escort so I don’t believe there is much longevity to that relationship. I won’t contact him but it’s really hard as we have always been in contact for the last 4 1/2 years even during our off times. Any advice is appreciated.

    • admin
      December 15, 2014 | 5:01 am

      She looks like an escort… What gives you this impression?

      Describe the escort look to me?

      Has he ever been into that?

  4. Melanie
    December 9, 2014 | 4:26 pm

    Hey Chris,
    Your opinion please if you don’t mind.
    I met a really great guy in September. We were set up by our best friends and it was a great match! A little bit of background info…6 months prior his 10 year marriage ended (she left him) and he said he was ready to meet someone else! Something in the back of my mind say ya right! But here we go anyway! Amazing is the only way to describe our 2 months of “no commitment/labeling” relationship. We talked or seen each other everyday, had a lot of things in common. He met my people, I met his! I really can’t say anything bad happened between us to give me a heads up other than in his life he is going thru a separation and Christmas is creeping up! We have been facing these issues together and working thru them but a week ago he told me he needed time to think because he was feeling overwhelmed by everything. Assured me it wasn’t anything to do with us and cried because he was so sad about the thought of not texting saying good morning to me the next day! It was a shocker, gotta say! So it’s been 10 days no contact and I’m hurting big time! I read your “What is he thinking while NC but non of the scenarios really fit the “I need time to think because my life is upside down right now”. What’s your take on all this?

    • admin
      December 10, 2014 | 3:18 pm

      I say do NC on him…

      This is not acceptable behavior by him. He should communicate instead of hide.

      Thats my two cents.

      • Melanie
        December 10, 2014 | 5:33 pm

        Thanks! I’m on day 11 and feel I owe it to myself not to cave and contact him!

    • M. Spacey
      December 11, 2014 | 4:38 am

      Sounds like my ex who happened to break up with me in September, lol. Has been back & forth with wanting me & deciding not to be. I’ve made myself too available. Needless to say he always contacts me. I always cave & hope to get back together. This last time he claimed to potentially want to get back together, he ended up making a huge life decision instead. I had already decided if he didn’t choose me & make real effort I was walking. So I did. And I haven’t reached out to him. (Which is really hard) he however has contacted me for silly things. Normally I would take the bait & initiate convo. I did respond to the questions but that was it. I’m curious to see where it goes, if anywhere.
      Point being , (sorry got sidetracked) your situation sounded a LOT like my ex. Ended marriage, confused, “needs time” “overwhelmed”, shut down/hides etc. made my heart race reading this bc it sounds so familiar. I actually thought OMG imagine it was him? lol sorry. Good luck to you!!

  5. amie
    December 8, 2014 | 10:09 pm

    Hi Chris. I LOVE YOUR WORK, THANK YOU! Quick question: I am on day 21 of NC. The last 2 weekends in a row my ex has liked a pic on my Instagram (one pic was 4 months old, the other was the most recent picture). Other than that, he hasn’t been in touch. What does this mean?? (We dated for 8 months, he took me on vacation, I met his entire family, etc. We’re both 38 years old. It was an amicable breakup, he literally cried but said he “wasn’t happy.”)

    • admin
      December 9, 2014 | 1:24 pm

      It means he is thinking about you and probably spying on you to figure out why you aren’t contacting him like he is probably used to girls doing to him.

      • amie
        December 9, 2014 | 6:35 pm

        THANK YOU SO MUCH for responding, I really appreciate it. Your eBook and website are phenomenal, so insightful and helpful (and calming, gives me hope and confidence in reconciliation.)

        Big question for you: my ex knows I will noticed he liked my pictures, do you think he’s expecting a response from me?? He needs to call or at least text me :(

        Today is day 22 of NC. What articles of yours should I read to draft the right texts (from me) to him after NC is over? Should I wait until after the holidays to reach out? I really want to see him to be calm, easygoing and confident; I want to look him in the eyes…

        Lastly, do you do personal coaching?

        Thanks again Chris. You’re a godsend.

        • amie
          December 9, 2014 | 7:00 pm

          also, would it be a bad idea if I blocked him from my Instagram? is that harsh?? our breakup wasn’t dramatic or mean spirited, we are amicable and I know if I called him right now he would pick up… I just feel like if he wants to know what I’m up to, he should call or text instead of creep on my social media.

        • admin
          December 10, 2014 | 3:24 pm

          Probably expecting a response from you.

          I don’t do personal coaching but I may in the future.

  6. Joy
    December 8, 2014 | 9:49 pm

    FFirst of all please forgive me for my English, I am a French woman.
    I read a lot of your articles and I have a question for you.

    My ex boyfriend (25y) broke up with me (22y) twice. The first time I immediately accepted his choice and started the NC rule . After a week, he came to invite me to dinner ; a week after we were together again.
    But it was not the same, he was distant. And we have not been able to give us time to see each other.

    Is broken again . Since I’m in NC rule , the 6th day. I already feel stronger.

    I add that I have done anything to make her pity. I accept the breakup and I cut the bridges, no contacts.

    My question is: is that the NC rule may work again a second time in the reconquest of the same man ?

    Thank you, in advance :)

    • admin
      December 9, 2014 | 1:25 pm

      It can definitely work again!

      Stay disciplined with it though.

  7. J
    December 8, 2014 | 3:42 pm

    Hi, Chris

    It’s been 3 month no contact since the break up. My long distance ex left me for his work mate. He hasn’t initiate contact yet. I still miss him like hell and want him back. Should I contact him? Has he lost feeling for me completely?

    • admin
      December 9, 2014 | 1:13 pm

      I think its ok for you to contact him at this point.

  8. Sandra
    December 7, 2014 | 11:42 am

    Hi chris. Thanks for this great page. This page has really helped me a lot. Me and my ex broke up 7 months ago. It feels so weird and the time had passed so fast. But our breakup was a rash decision, we still loved eachother but he just showed anger hatred etc. Now a month ago he told me that he loved me even though he said all the terrible things. I was like a door mat after the break up, I did everything for him and lost all self respect. Well there is so much to tell but I can’t summarize it. He has cried in front of me like a month ago. He regretted all the things he had done and said that he realised everything too late etc… Well back to my question. He kissed a girl in front of my eyes at a disco three months ago, that was when i totally stopped caring about him, at least tried. Everything changed and i decided to move on. He was drunk when that happened in front of my eyes and says he did’nt knew that I was there. Then he got desperate , started contacting me in very many shapes, i blocked him everywere. He started contacting my friends to get to me and that was when i meet him and he told me everything, how bad he felt. I cried in front of me.
    Now. I wanted to give him a chance, but i have already done it do many Times, but it did’nt went well. He was mad at me because he saw that I liked pictures on instagrm of boys and somebody had seen me and a boy on a date, i met a boy and took a coffe after the thing that happened on the disco when my ex kissed a girl, I tried to move on. He got so mad and Called me horrible things! He blocked and deleted me everywere. I told him that i liked him and wanted everything to work and sent him long texts. He said that he is going to Change number and that I am not going to get his new number ever. Then the weekende came. And he made out with a girl. And kissed another. I know both of these girls well. Well, directly the day after he unblocked me on Facebook. Then unblocked on instagram (i Don’t follow him). Then this whole week he has been sending requestes on instagram, he wants ti follow me, i have just ignorera the reaquestes or clicked “no”. But he keeps sending them. No the question. Why does he send them? Does the think of me, misses me? Regrets? What should I do? Do u think he Will write to me? Im so confused. I thought he forgot about me but it can’t be like that because the whole week he has despretaly tried to follow me.
    This got long but i really hope you can help me and give me a answer

    • admin
      December 8, 2014 | 12:48 pm

      Probably misses you and hates that hes not in control.

      • Sandra
        December 10, 2014 | 7:52 pm

        Actually chris I think that I am strong and better of without him. But I really miss him and think about him a lot. Have’nt heard anything from him since last week when he tried to follow me everywhere.. Do u think he has moved on? I know that I am probaby going to see him tomorrov at a disco, how should I act? Right now I am so overthinking everything…

        • admin
          December 15, 2014 | 5:07 am

          Just be super positive and bubbly.

  9. kate
    November 28, 2014 | 11:08 pm

    Hi Just came out of a 14 year marriage and in process of divorce, I started seeing someone after 6 months then finished it after 3 months because I was thinking he has issues felt like he had his feet under the tabke and didnt need to try for me anymore. Now I believe they were my issues and have just started counselling to get me over this divorce. I was thinking he wasn’t interest in me anymore tbh. Anyway I can not get this person out of me head and we work for the same branch so hard not to be in contact. When I finished with him I just said I needed to get the divorce finished and concentrate on my kids and remain friends, but still can not get him out of my head. I don’t understand why he moved on in matter of minuets to someone else but I guess thats men. I had been told previously he jump straight into one to another relationship I just think he doesn’t like being on him own. Anyway I do speak with him about life etc he said he fancy me so much etc etc, afterward messages saying he misses us but i’m not sure as he is with someone else. Because I have been left by my husband for another women I though this person was maybe seeing someone, but he said he had heard this but swear this had not happened but maybe this was my issues. Why can I not get him out of my head? do I want him back? Not sure I miss how well we actually got on so well that I crave this side back or is it more that I want please help as I need to move forward. Kate

    • admin
      December 1, 2014 | 3:25 pm

      Well, he is probably intimidated by the divorce and the fact that you still haven’t finalized it. He may be scared that you still love your husband or ex husband.

  10. Kai
    November 21, 2014 | 2:38 am

    Hi. My name is Kai (yes like the person in your ‘case study’thing.) I am eighteen years old and my boyfriend of four years just broke up with me. We recently had a lot of trouble because I got pregnant and we decided together that it would be best if I had an abortion. Everything started to go downhill around then and now it’s exam time. He has eleven school exams, his parents are also extremely controlling and kind of evil and he’s been put under a lot of pressure so when he told me that he couldn’t handle a commitment any more I kind of understood. I offered that we could have a break but he doesn’t believe that there’s anything left for us. I know I’m only eighteen but I could really use your help. You probably won’t get my message so I won’t get my hopes up but I didn’t realise the ’30 day rule’thing and I’d sent him a lot of emails but now I’m going to completely stop. Could you give me some advice? Could he just be really stressed and I need to be more understanding and he might come back because that might just me being stupid and optimistic. I really want him back and I’m willing to do pretty much anything. It sounds stupid and maybe this is just one of the many heartbreaks I’ll have in my life but we’ve been together for a really long time and we love each other. So could you please get back to me if you see this?

    • admin
      November 24, 2014 | 4:05 pm

      Hi Kai!!!!

      How old is your boyfriend?

      Also, just start the 30 day rule right now.

  11. lilone
    November 17, 2014 | 4:55 pm

    So I wrote a couple of months ago. In short, broke up with my boyfriend of six months almost three months ago … do i sound crazy writing now?

    Anyway, mutual break up, he wanted to stay friends I said for him to go work away and give me a call when he returns and outlined that I couldn’t go from intimate to friend straight away.

    He contacted a week after I said this, by text, no questions so I did not reply. Deleted me from skype and then a few days later sent me an email asking if I was ok, I replied by simply saying that I was and that I hoped that he was too. He replied telling me a lot about his life, and then telling me that he was ‘missing things’ and that he was going to be home for one week and then away again for November, I didn’t reply … it felt weak and lose and I’m mindful that I am often told by him to not read into things, and there were no questions, I therefore did not reply. I got a Happy Birthday message a few days later and replied with a thank you. Nothing for a bit …and then he changed his profile picture and uploaded things on FB during the few days/ week that he was local (I am actually unsure if he came home to the North / was in the South during this time) Annnyway … five FB posts, which is a lot for someone who does not use it often AT ALL. I updated my profile picture … he liked it, he then put some pictues on of meuseums in Paris … my dream is to visit them!! I then did that five pictures that you like thing … another like … this was last week. He is due back in about 10-12 days … what on earth is going on in his head? Or is it all in mine? I miss him and want to know if he feels the same … but come on …. he needs to step up right? I deserve a lil more than a few likes?? :)

    • lilone
      November 24, 2014 | 4:10 pm

      Chris? Please can you let me know your thoughts? :)

      • admin
        November 25, 2014 | 2:40 pm

        Sorry, I lost a bit of context here. Mind giving me a quick refresher?

        • lilone
          December 1, 2014 | 10:07 am

          K there has been some developments too.

          Broke up with my ex after 6 months together, he was presenting as not committing and I was getting confused by this. We eneded it, his decison but I agreed. He went to work away and ha been in contact once before he went to (I was in no contact so didn’t reply) once after no contact, checking in that I was ok, I replied saying that I was and he replied telling me that he was ‘missing things’ I did not reply being unclear what ‘things’ he meant, and then a number of likes on FB. None of which I responded to. (He isn’t generally a FB user, but he posted and liked things reguarly)

          He arrived home Friday, and contacted me on Saturday afternoon, saying that he has been thinking about me and wanted to know how I was. I replied on Sunday evening sharing that I was ‘good’. He has indicated that he is worried that he has messed up our friendship. I have said for him not to worry … and that we are ‘ok’. I ended the texts after a few messages … as I was unsure if he was just being friendly or if he wants to start things up again. He accepted this and to be honest I feel that there on reflection is more to come, but am mindful that this maybe more because it’s what I want than what is available … opinion please :)

          • lilone
            December 3, 2014 | 9:25 am


            • admin
              December 3, 2014 | 3:44 pm


              • lilone
                December 3, 2014 | 4:02 pm

                Any advice?

  12. Sahiba
    November 16, 2014 | 5:44 pm

    Hi Chris

    I hope you’re well and congrats on the wedding!

    I really need some help.

    My boyfriend of 5.5 months broke up with me 3 weeks ago. Our relationship was fantastic and I had met his parents and everything was going great. Out of the blue he started crying and saying he can’t give me what I need. Things like longevity etc. He said he loves me but can’t do it and ran out of my house!

    Then I chased him. I know I shouldn’t have but I called him the next day and we met and he had suddenly gone cold and said that it was issues with my lifestyle (smoking & weight) that he had problems with. So I said I will change them. But more arguments later and many more “lets make this work” conversations later we blew up into another argument a few days ago. He said he’s made up his mind and that he can’t see himself with me etc. And then said can we please talk normally for a few days and not discuss this.

    I agreed and the first day he called and we spoke about normal stuff. Then the next day I called him and after a few minutes he said once again that he can’t be with me. So I asked the real reason and he said it was a commitment issue. I argued a lot with him and tried to change his mind. He said he would like to be friends. So I said fine meet me tomorrow then and he said it is too soon but maybe in the future we could hang out.

    This happened 5 days ago and neither of us have contacted each other.

    I think because I was so pushy he went from “It would be a mistake to cut you out of my life” to “Its up to you whether you want me in your life” So I left this with a very bad taste in both our mouths but I still want him back.

    I have just bought your book. I have been in NC for 5 days. I fear he will never want me back and is already moving on! Do you think this can be salvaged?

    Please help!



    • Sahiba
      November 16, 2014 | 5:46 pm

      Also, about 3 months ago, he did have a bit of a scare that things were moving too fast. I told him fine he could go, but then he changed his mind within the hour.

      And now this!

      Please help Chris!

      How do you turn around a commitment phobe?

      • S
        November 20, 2014 | 6:43 pm

        I am now on day 9 of NC

        Still quite shaky but have quit smoking (2 weeks ago) and have started going to the gym.

        He knows of these changes but he still doesn’t “see” himself with me in 10 years.

        What shall I do Chris? I am losing hope.

        • S
          November 20, 2014 | 11:36 pm

          Right so, day 9 of NC and I broke it.

          I noticed on his Facebook profile he had put up a song about loneliness and being alone again etc.

          I also added a male friend (not sure if this had anything to do with it)

          Then suddenly he deletes me!

          So instead of not reacting I did react and became a text and call gnat. I am kicking myself right now by the way.

          We managed to speak via text for a bit where again he was like I am not ready to speak yet and sorry for deleting you it was stupid and I would have re-added you anyway.

          Then I think I came on too strong with some relationship questions and he told me I was being too intense multiple times.

          It ended with me saying just that I miss him and that he can have his space and that it would be nice to talk at some point about normal stuff.

          I know I have to go back into NC but Chris, have I completely ruined my chances of getting him back?

          Have I further frightened him and made myself look unattractive?

          Would appreciate some advise!


          • admin
            November 24, 2014 | 4:02 pm

            No you haven’t but you have made the process a bit more challenging though.

        • admin
          November 24, 2014 | 3:52 pm

          Good for you.

          I hate smoking so good for you for making that change.

          Just keep it up. It’s not an overnight process.

          • S
            November 25, 2014 | 9:23 pm

            Hi Chris

            Thanks so much for replying!

            I feel as if he is very stubborn and won’t go back on his word. Also looks like he has a bit of a commitment issue.

            I am afraid during NC he will move on from me and this whole being friends thing is just sugar coating everything. I also feel he will try to delete me again or block me even if I don’t say a word.

            I look and feel a lot better now – 3 weeks since no smoking and I’ve lost 8kgs.

            Do you think he even cares? Any advise from you would be great!


            PS Sorry for gnatting your site!

            • admin
              November 26, 2014 | 3:04 pm

              Definitely think he cares. I just think he is so stubborn at this point that it feels like he doesn’t but he does.

              • S
                December 1, 2014 | 2:35 am

                Hi Chris

                I have another question for you – when I last spoke to my ex over text it was because he had deleted me off Facebook after saying we’ll be friends and then I blew his phone up. He said he does want to be friends and deleting me was a mistake and he would have re-added me anyway. Then I bought up some relationship stuff to which he said I was being intense. Then he asked for space.

                So, will the no contact work even though he asked for the space? Do you think I should text him after the 30 days are over? I am on day 10 now and I have heard nothing from him. At the same time I am trying hard improving myself both physically and mentally. I am also going on holiday in 2 weeks and my NC ends while I am away.

                Any thoughts?

    November 4, 2014 | 9:37 pm


    I am so sorry about posting twice. I thought the one I posted yesterday, did not go through until I just recently seen it. My apologies and once again. Thank you :)

    • admin
      November 20, 2014 | 3:09 pm

      No problem, I was actually on my honeymoon ( I just got married and am seeing it for the first time now.)

    November 4, 2014 | 9:33 pm


    My fiancé left me Sunday 10/26/2014 for another woman. We have known each other for 13 years. When I was in high school we dated for 4 1/2 years and then broke up. We were sepeated for over three years and then got back together. We were together for another six years, and supposed to be getting married this upcoming May 2015. I found out he had been cheating on me for five months. When I found out he was cheating we argued and his phone broke. He also told me he wanted to be with this other girl and that she understood him more than I did. She works with him. He said he loves her. I however do not believe this. I am the only woman he has ever been with, and I feel the idea of him being married scared him and made him feel as if he was going to lose his freedom, there for he acted out. I believe whatever he feels for this woman is more lust that love. Only he really knows his true feelings, but this is just my opinion His phone was on my account so if he did go get another phone he had to get it on another account, with a new number. I gave him his ring and the keys to his house back, and I left that Sunday. It has been 9 days and he has not tried to contact me. I feel really bad right now as if he doesn’t care about any of the love we had and shared together for all those years. I have not tried to reach out to him in anyway, we both deleted our Facebook accounts. I spoke to his brother who told me that he seems happy and that he is no mooping around. Why do you think he has not contacted me to even see if I am ok? I know I am wrong to want him back, but I love him and I miss him, and I know this is not the man that I love. Something happened to change him or to make him act out. I personally can’t say anything I did forced or pushed him to do this to me. Will the no contact rule work for me, even if I have no way to contact him. I have been a good woman to him, as far as my opinion goes. I supported him, I was there for him, I tired my best to be the best woman I could be, and he took it all for granted. Do you think he will be back, or contact me. I am not sure if he is or isn’t with this other woman, and if so how long before he realizes the Grass isn’t always greener on the other side? I really appreciate your time and advice.

    Thank you,


    • admin
      November 20, 2014 | 3:08 pm

      That is horrible… I am sorry.

      Have you used the NC on him yet?

  15. Jessica
    November 3, 2014 | 10:15 pm


    My ex and I have known each other for 13 years, we dated when I was in high school for about 4 years, and then broke up to him being young and immature. He ended up seeing me with another guy and decided he wanted me back more than anything. He fought for me for over a year, and I finally agreed to go on a date with him. We were together for 6 years after this, he proposed and we were supposed to get married this upcoming May 2015. I started noticing that he began to lie to me and hide things. I found out he was cheating on me for 5 months. He ended up leaving me for this other girl claiming that he loves her and that she understands him more than I do. This just happened Sunday. When I found out he was cheating we got into it and his phone broke, he was on my phone plan, so if he did get a new phone he probably got a new carrier and a new number. I can’t contact him even if I wanted to unless I send and email or go to his house. He has not contacted me either. We both deleted our Facebook accounts. I feel devasted and hurt that he is with this other woman and I did speak to his brother who claims he seems happy. I am not sure what to do from here. I feel like sending him a very long email. However I still need to cancel our wedding, which I have not brought myself to be able to do yet. It has been 8 days since we last spoke. I do not believe he truly wants this other woman more than me, I believe he got cold feet, because I am the only woman he has ever been with and it truly scared him. I want the man I love back, but not under these circumstances, and the fact that he has not contacted me, makes me feel he is 100% over me. If I am doing the No Contact without a choice since I do not have his number, will this work for me?

    P.S. I know I probably shouldn’t want him back after what he did to me, I am not naïve to this but I do want him back. I do believe he is a good man, and just lost his way. I believe in 2nd chances and believe that people can change for the better.

    Any advice you can give me would be amazing.

    Thank you,


    • admin
      November 20, 2014 | 2:54 pm

      I am so sorry that thie happened to you.

      I think emailing him would be the way to go.

      BUT, make sure you do NC first.

      Also, can you think of a reason for why he may have cheated on you?

  16. blackhole
    October 28, 2014 | 6:42 pm

    My gf of 6 years and I were the happiest ever, never had big issues or anything we couldnt work out, and a week ago she left me because she said she was “thinking too hard” and decided that she didnt know if what we shared was true love, since i was her first love. I hate this, and my world and dreams have entirely fallen apart. Its been 5 days NC and i plan to last at least 30… but I truly love her so much, and I’m afraid. I never thought this would happen, she says she still loves me, but that she needs ti be on her own right now, and cant make any promises.

    • admin
      October 29, 2014 | 2:31 pm

      Why don’t you hope on over to Ex Girlfriend Recovery since it helps men get their ex girlfriends back.

  17. Candace
    October 28, 2014 | 5:50 pm

    my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with be impulsively 4 days ago. I just came to college, and he lives ten minutes away, but he is so busy and always so exhausted, so we would never see each other. Before we broke up I explained to him how i wanted him to put more effort into our relationship, and make me feel like I was important to him. He response was “I’m sorry but I’m just so busy and overwhelmed right now, I don’t think it’s the right time to be in a relationship”. Whenever we see each other everything goes perfectly, but he’s just so busy and it made me feel like he didn’t care to fit me in his life, I just wanted him to try a little more. Before August, we never had any problems, and were so in love. In August, we broke up for a week because he was scared of distance in college. I realize getting back together so quickly could be why we aren’t as strong now. We haven’t contacted since we broke up. Do you think there’s still a chance to resolve our problems and get back together?

    • admin
      October 29, 2014 | 2:28 pm

      How long ago was this first breakup?

      • Candace
        October 31, 2014 | 3:43 pm

        It was about two months ago

  18. kay
    October 22, 2014 | 11:26 am

    Chris i am at my wits end…my guy and i broke up 8 months ago abruptly. I barely made it through no contact at the beginning of the breakup because whenever i tried to walk away he would call or text to reel me back in…i was about to give up 2 months ago and told him that i was that i was over him- the very next day he invited me to lunch at his house! And that was superb! A few weeks later we saw each other in the town and he invited me to join him lfor lunch again…it endedl with him suggesting we hook up.. U know, sexually..i know it was a bad idea but i lack patience in the post no-contact Period…plus i really miss making whoopie Lol…but he started backing off again…so i told him a week ago that i was truly tired of waiting….Chris, he immediately started calling and texting me and i fell for it again…we started Sexting heavily but i became impatient with him not committing to come see me…then my he crushed my world! I asked y he was making me suffer and he said he had found someone and didn’t want to be a player…i was hurt so i once again said I’m letting go…but i couldn’t stay away and messaged him the next day…he started off sending dirty texts to me, saying what he wanted to do to me sexually- but then turned around and said he has someone now and cant…i panicked and called (horrible idea) and asked if he loved her…he did not answer…i asked how long they were together… He said six months..he told me life goes on and i should move on..and he sounded serious too…Chris, i still want him back but probably now have to re-enter no contact…do i still have a chance? Have i messed up my own game by not being hard to get enough? What should i do? Its been almost a year now and nobody else makes me feel the way i feel about him :( SOS

    • Beautiful1
      October 27, 2014 | 5:15 pm

      Hi Kay, how are u holding up?

    • stephanie
      November 27, 2014 | 3:41 am

      Hi kay, out of curiousity what was your guys name? It just sounds like a shitty situation i was in and i would hate it was the same person.

  19. jean gray
    October 19, 2014 | 3:06 am

    Hi Chris,
    This is jeani. I just want to ask when should the 21 days NC be applied .. tho you said usually the NC should be 30 days… I emailed you too btw

  20. Emily
    October 17, 2014 | 1:01 am

    Hi Chris.

    You advice that we should do NC for 30 days and then contact our exs. But If decide to do NC for more than 30 days or never contact him untill he contacts me, You believe that this strategy can work to get my ex back?


    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 3:01 pm


  21. Ivana
    October 15, 2014 | 7:55 pm

    Hi Chris,
    The relationship with my ex ended two months ago, after a huge fight. However, after that we’ve stayed in contact, mostly because of me. After a month I just wanted to know what was going on with us, I asked him if he wanted to be with me or not and he said that I was only a burden to him and that it was better this way. What bothers me is that we had a perfect relationship. We were on summer vacation together and few days later he decided to break up with me. I know that he loves me and that he’s feeling really bad. I’ve been following your NC rule and we haven’t spoken for two weeks so far, but he continues to like my posts on fb and I don’t know what to think about that. A really what to hear your opinion, I want to know whether there is a hope for us or I should give up.

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:45 pm

      How far are you in NC?

  22. Lisa
    October 15, 2014 | 4:31 am

    Hi Chris,
    This male coworker and I have this textual relationship for a year. We have fun and flirty conversation and nothing more. We talked about work and he opened up to me about his work.
    I got emotionally attached and became needy. I am married and he is single. He knows my status. One day he suddenly ignored all my texts . I was hurted because he didn’t give me any reasons for his action. I continued to send more texts but I stopped and have NC for 2 weeks now. He called and asked how I’m doing and asked if I was mad at him. He also texted to say he’s sorry. Should I continue this friendship? Should I response after 30 days of NC?

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:39 pm

      What about your husband???

  23. steph
    October 14, 2014 | 5:26 pm

    I could really use some advice. I am pretty new to the dating world because I spent most of my 20’s in a long term relationship that was stressful and unhealthy. I finally walked away and took much needed time to figure out who I am as a single person and what I want/need in my life. Anyway, after about a year of being totally and completely single, I started feeling ready to date. I was at dinner with a friend of mine, and we started taking to a group of guys who were at the table next to us. I really hit it off with one of them, we exchanged information, and within the next couple weeks, we found ourselves dating. From the get-go, we had really great chemistry. We have similar outlooks on life, we have similar interests and goals, life experiences and we share our sense of humor. We always had a really great time together, lots of laughter and fun. From the beginning, we each shared some deep, personal stories about our lives, but we also wanted to keep things light and so we shared enough to gain an understanding, but not all the ugly gory details of our pasts. Also, I am a mother and I needed him to know that. Anyway, things continued to grow between us, we became exclusive and he was openly affectionate and would communicate his feelings often. He would say things like “you make me so happy” “I am so lucky to have you” and was open about moving things forward. Early on he disclosed that as a teenager he dealt with some feelings of depression that we’re brought on by severe chronic pain. He mentioned that after a very bad breakup in his early 20’s, he dealt with the depression again. He also talked about a strained relationship with his father. He dad pushed away and alienated everyone around him. So, fast forward to two weeks ago. All is well, we are happy, things are great. I asked him to be my date to a family friend’s wedding. He agrees and I am thrilled to actually have a plus-one to an event for the first time in years. The night was going well, but at some point my mother, who was not sober, gave him a “my daughter is my world, value her, give her what she deserves, don’t hurt her or just walk away from her now” speech. I came back from the restroom at the tail end of this conversation and I could tell he was shaken. I asked a couple days later if he had any thoughts or concerns surrounding what happened that night, he assured me that he was ok, and I let it go. We continued to see one another, and everything felt normal. He was still engaged and seeking me out, he still seemed invested. About a week ago, he gets sick, and that triggers another episode of his chronic pain issue. It was severe, and he was not himself. I didn’t want to bother him much, because I knew he was unwell, so I would just send a text to see if he needed anything here and there. There was some brief chat mid-week that felt mostly normal. He was joking and said he missed me, etc. but then by the end of the week, he fell off the map. It was so sudden and strange, and unlike anything I had ever seen happen with him. I called him on Saturday after not hearing from him for a couple days, with genuine concern for his well-being and I received a text shortly after explaining that since he had been sick, he noticed that he felt slightly checked-out. He felt that he was not treating me that way that I deserve and that he didn’t want to hurt me. He brought up the conversation my mom had with him, and essentially said that it created some doubt in his mind. He mentioned that he was unsure of whether these doubts were genuine or if they were brought on my the issues he has surrounding his chronic pain. He said he needed some time to get better and figure out what was going on with him physically and mentally. Then he said he would be open to meeting in person, but that he sent the text as a means to get his thoughts out. So, we met. And he was a mess. It seemed like he backed away from the position that his doubt was created after speaking to mom, and started talking about how he sometimes pushes people away when he is dealing with his pain. That he isolates himself. He was very confused and said over and over again that he didn’t know if he was making the right decsion. He was openly crying and emotional. He kept hugging/holding me, kissing my forehead etc. He made a comment that he was scared he was doing what his dad did, he told me that he was so confused by his feelings because I made him so happy, and I posess all these qualities that he wants in a partner. He was clearly upset with himself for hurting me, he was beating himself up over it. I told him it was ok, that I appreciated his honesty and got ready to leave. He told me he wants me to know that he will always be there for me, and that if I need him for anything at all, to reach out. He was clearly very pained and seemed very uncertain about his decision. At this point we talked about the fact that I am a mother and he brought up that he was worried that I may not want to have more kids in the future and he didn’t know if he would be ok with not having kids of his own. I told him that I was open to having more children, but only if the circumstances were right. It seemed to only confuse him further and he kept saying that it changes things now that he knows that. He hugged me again, crying and said “I’m scared I am making a mistake” and I just nodded my head yes, because I think he was, but I said goodbye and I left. So,now I am in this NC period, but having the hardest time with the way things ended. There was little clarity for me, because of how emotional, torn and upset he was. It left me with a giant cloud of doubt as to what to happened with us. I think he may be dealing with some of the darkness that depression brings, I think he may be trying to protect me, but I also think my mom may have scared him off that night by making him question things. I also wonder if this was just a case of he simply lost interest, and he felt bad for hurting my feelings since he knows my past. Anyway, any insight here like be greatly, GREATLY appreciated!

    • steph
      October 16, 2014 | 6:09 pm

      I know that was super long. Sorry. Guess my main question is: if we didn’t end things on a bad note whatsoever, and he was crying and conflicted about ending things, how likely is it that I will hear from him?

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:26 pm

      I know NC is really hard especially wnen you are seeking that type of clarity but stay strong. I think thats best for you at this point.

  24. Sarah
    October 14, 2014 | 4:27 pm

    My ex and i of 2 years broke up. i cheated on him towards the end. can i still win him back. no contact is so hard.

    • admin
      October 27, 2014 | 2:22 pm

      Does he know you cheated?

  25. Dania
    October 13, 2014 | 10:31 pm

    Hi dear,
    Thanks for the beautiful words. My situation is different. he broke up with me because his father didn’t agree to marry me now, since he is applying for another nationality (He is Moroccan and living in gulf), so if he marry me now he may destroy everything his dad did to apply this papers. He said i am sorry but my dad wants me to wait and i wont let you wait for me since i don’t know when my paper is done! he said: I tried my best to convince him but my dad is stubborn!
    Should i send him back the sunglasses he bought me? and his T-shirt?
    At the last call i cried telling him to try his best and find a solution, I was so stupid and weak! Its has been 1 week now and i didn’t contact him. the same day he broke up with me he blocked me on instagram and twitter and FB! he said that he don’t want me to follow him and feel hurt or cry! what is this?! Please tell me what to do? am i doing the right thing by not contacting him? should i send him his gifts and T-shirt? is there any hope that he may come back?
    Thanks a lot in advance. :)

    • admin
      October 14, 2014 | 3:55 pm

      Wait, HIS father is preventing him from marrying you?

      • Dania
        October 16, 2014 | 7:13 pm

        Yes! His Dad talked to him and asked him to wait till his nationality papers are done! then he can marry who ever he wants! So he told me i wont make you wait for me cause i don’t know when my paper is done! maybe it takes months or a year! that’s why we broke up!
        The idea is, if he got the nationality he can take care of his mother and two sisters the rest of his life. his dad in over 60 but still controlling his boy!
        I am on day 19 of NC! and he is still not contacting or even unblocking me from social media.. but i am still confused of the feelings i have towards him and wondering how could he cut me off his life that easy after being in touch with me for 4 months every single day for more than 5 to 10 hours!
        tell me please.. am i doing the right thing here?

  26. Nick
    October 9, 2014 | 4:27 am

    Hey so me and my girlfriend broke up. We broke up on October 2nd and when we broke up you could say I was a little needy and tried contacting her. She said she wanted to be friends and that she just lost her feelings for me. But on October 5th I started the “no contact rule”. Her and I dated almost 7 months and had a very happy relationship and made lots of great memories together. She is 16 and I’m 18, so she’s a sophomore in high school and I just started my first semester of college. So on the day we broke up I was at her house and this was October 2nd I told her we needed to talk because I knew that something was wrong between us. So we talked and basically she ended it, we both started crying and were pretty emotional, I begged her not to do it. But we ended it good I guess and agreed just to ge friends for now. I DONT WANNA BE FRIENDS. During the night we broke up we went out to dinner with her and one of her friends, so it wasn’t that bad of a breakup. She told me things were just getting stressful, we were constantly always texting everyday and we had to let each other know where we were at, and who we were with, and if she was hanging out with her girlfriend’s and the girls had a guy come over I would get jealous. But we loved eachother alot and she told me she just doesn’t wanna date right now and she feels in the future that she wants to date me again and when she gets lonely she will come back to me. But I also don’t know if that was just stuff she made up. She also said let’s be friends for now. So the day after the break up I was kinda needy but the second day which was October 4th you could say I was really needy and I just kept trying to call and text with no response but later in the day I got a response and she said we would text later that night. I just feel for now she needs her time to think and get rid of all the negative things between us and then she’ll start reminiscing about all of our great memories together. I love her very much still and I have hope for us in the future or even maybe in the next 30 days or so. I just want to get your feedback on all of this and see what you guys think. I know we will either be friends after the 30 days or be back together. I guess I just wanna know when shes going to start missing me and try contacting me. And what time that will be, I’ve heard it usually happens during the two to three weeks of the process. I’m also wondering if at the end of the thirty days and if she doesn’t contact me at all, would it be stupid to contact her or should I give it more time. I would really like to get a women’s side of this feedback. Thank you so much and I hope for some feedback (:

    • FallenRobot
      October 10, 2014 | 3:32 pm

      Alright I’m going to respond before Chris, since you want a girl’s point of view, and I don’t think he fits that qualifier.

      I seriously just had this conversation with a friend, except they’re still together. So you’ve already admitted that you were needy/clingy, well to me, and most girls I talk to, that’s simply NOT attractive. I can’t tell you how many guys I’ve broken up with because they were too clingy or got mad when I hung out with my guy friends. And then afterwards they basically begged for me back and bombarded me with messages and such leading to me being grateful that I cut it off.

      One thing I noticed with you is that you said that she’s getting stressed, and since you just got out of high school you should know that it is very stressful. If she’s anything like me and the people I know she probably set aside her homework and chores each night to talk to you and that would cause a back up of stuff to do, and that plus slipping grades is pretty frickin stressful.

      I honestly think NC will be good for you. It’ll give you some time to adapt to not having contact with her 24/7 and it will give her a chance to destress, and once she notices that you haven’t been contacting her she’ll contact you out of worry and curiosity. Then bam, you have contact, dont leave NC too early though, and Chris can do his part with NC.

      ALSO if she does try to come back because she’s “lonely” think about it long and hard, because that’s not a good reason to get in a relationship. Although she could be saying that because she doesn’t know a better way to describe it, it’s still something you need to consider.

  27. Kathryn
    October 9, 2014 | 3:50 am

    It’s been over 30 days since I started the no contact rule and neither one of us has contacted each other. I am still blocked on Snap chat but not on Facebook. Should I still make an effort to contact him or give up on it completely?

    • Sian
      October 16, 2014 | 5:20 pm

      I say if you are going through hell, keep going, you have lasted this long, I know it’s hard but DO NOT cave in, you will regret it… All that hard work would be thrown away instantly, just wait a bit longer :) keep going and we’ll done

  28. Holly
    October 9, 2014 | 3:01 am

    I am on day 6 of NC. My ex an I broke put back in June and I allowed us to act as though we were still together, even though he did not want to be official. I sent him an email asking for space to find out how I feel and to think of him as a friend a few days ago. But since then he has texted me everyday. Things like “you shouldn’t be mad”, “are you mad I hung out with (girls name)” (I didn’t know he had hung out with one), “I haven’t slept with anyone. Not that it should matter. And I still have feelings for you” and “have a good night” the last example has been every night. I know I need space to make the break, but with him texting me so much it’s so hard. Do I continue the NC rule or break it?

  29. Shaena
    October 8, 2014 | 10:53 pm

    I love your site, thanks for putting it all out there for us! :) Here’s my condensed story – met a guy through mutual friends and over the course of 3 months we fell in love. It was the kind of passionate, all consuming love that I’ve always dreamed of. Prior to this we were both pretty solid “players” and neither of us had any desire to be in a relationship, but it kind of happened anyways. He was actually the first one to say I love you. He was the epitome of perfection for those 3 months, but then on month 4 things started to change and he suddenly became distant and questioned my love constantly. One day he came over and ended things abruptly giving the reason that I blew him off a few days earlier for a football game (I know the irony of it all, but I love football & tailgating!). Now obviously that’s a ridiculous reason to throw away an entire relationship. A few days later he sleeps with some random chic, whatever I don’t really care. We try to work things out but he’s not quite there all the way & I can sense it. Then another week goes by & I go out of town to visit my family in an attempt to gain perspective on the entire situation. Btw, right before I leave we spend an amazing day together and things seemed pretty good. He then proceeds to turn his phone off for a few days and when he finally turns it back on, he calls to tell me he spent the past few days with someone else, he’s confused (no shit), he needs to cut ties completely, and that “I’m just going to break your heart over and over again.”

    I have respect for myself & DID cut ties, no contact whatsoever. Today will be day 8 for no contact. He tried to text me and call on Monday, thankfully I was distracted with the game & enjoying beer with friends. It basically took me almost a month to finally get myself normal again from the day he initially broke up with me. I was crying for 3 days when it first happened & just felt this profound sadness every morning when I woke up. I should mention that this is the first time I’ve ever been in love AND the first time anyone has ever broken up with me. Also, I’m 31 and he’s 25.

    From all the stories you’ve encountered I’m VERY curious as to your opinion on this man and if he’s even mature enough to handle a relationship. He seemed like it those first 3 months but now I’m wondering if he’s actually capable of sustaining a successful relationship and manage his own life simultaneously.

    Thank you!

    • admin
      October 9, 2014 | 1:43 pm

      May I ask what caused him to question your love?

      • Shaena
        October 9, 2014 | 2:31 pm

        No clue, nothing happened that I can pinpoint as a reason. He said that I wasn’t giving him all my love and that he needed more from me. In one of his recent voicemails he said he was scared and thought that maybe my love was all a “front” which seems absurd. Why would I pretend to be in love with him?

  30. Annabelle
    October 8, 2014 | 3:12 pm


    Its been a week today since i last spoke to my boyfriend. It was out of the blue what had happened. The argument mostly involved him saying i dont make effort, (i disagree of course ) he is very clingy of my time, even his family said this to me. I am independant so i like my alone time more than he. anyways i apologised and offered to make more effort. This later ended him saying i just need time alone to think. so i left him to it. I think 30 days is way too long for my situation though. niether of us has contacted each other. My dad sees him at work and he looks sulky. I feel its time to make contact soon but should i be the one to make it? as he feels im in wrong though he too had hurt me with what he said during the argument.I love him a lot, and i dont think all this is worth throwing away a lovely relationship that it was.

    • admin
      October 9, 2014 | 1:27 pm

      Yes, you make contact. To me, it seems like he didn’t feel wanted enough by you.

  31. Anon
    October 4, 2014 | 2:54 pm

    Hi Chris,

    You mentioned that NC can be anywhere from 30-90 days, but that you recommend 30. In which types of situations do you think it would be beneficial to extend NC longer than 30 days?

    • admin
      October 6, 2014 | 12:00 pm

      Situations where the breakup was just devastating and a lot of horrible things were said.

  32. Shelly
    October 3, 2014 | 4:48 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I was dating this guy and early on after 2 mos he said he couldn’t handle commitment. We kept seeing each other and ended up getting more serious – with me casually dating and him not but we still were sleeping together. I couldn’t get over him so any casual dates just didn’t work out. The next 4 mos were a roller coaster of me getting sad about what was going on and him confused about his feelings for me. I think for him he thought he would just date for fun but fell in love. We had a horrible break up the things I said and we said to each other were awful but every time we kept coming back to each other.

    When we last spoke he told me he was dating someone and he said he loved me didn’t like that I didn’t say it back and he would miss me but wanted me to leave him alone so he could heal and move on and I agreed. I only sent a text on his birthday 4 days after we agreed to go no contact. he said he regrets what happened with us and talking to me is a constant reminder of his regrets. It’s been weeks since I sent that text and roughly 3 since I spoke to him. He has someone he is seeing who he told me was the one (I think he was trying to be hurtful). Is this salvageable? He hasn’t reached out to me at all he said if I try to contact him he won’t respond and he needs at least 3 mos to move on and asked that I give him that time to heal. I was the one usually initiating contact but he was always there and available.

    • Shelly
      October 3, 2014 | 5:33 pm

      Also, I don’t see myself ever contacting him again – I deleted his number and only have his email. I don’t want to get in the way of whats going on with this new girl b/c I think it will make me look bad. I just don’t get how he could be super into he just met and not have lingering feelings for me. I don’t want to wait 3 mos to contact I want him to contact me now. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him but I was tired of feeling rejected all the time from how confused he was.

    • admin
      October 6, 2014 | 11:28 am

      Its salvagable… Just go into NC and do things on your terms and not his.

      • Shelly
        October 6, 2014 | 1:42 pm

        What if he never contacts me during no contact? I’ve been debating whether I should contact him again now b/c when I left things I was an emotional mess now he has a new gf who is probably super fun and exciting and I don’t want his last thought of me to be the messy ex who wouldn’t leave him alone. Should I contact and show him I’ve improved. I’ve been super together emotionally and working out/eating right – lost 10 lbs. I always look very nice and took care of myself.

        • Shelly
          October 6, 2014 | 5:31 pm

          Does it seem desperate to contact if he is dating someone else?

          • admin
            October 7, 2014 | 1:34 pm

            It depends on how you do it I suppose.

        • admin
          October 7, 2014 | 1:29 pm

          You should read the article, what to do if your ex doesn’t contact you during NC. I literally wrote an entire article on the situation.

          • Shelly
            October 7, 2014 | 1:52 pm

            ok thanks! I ended up seeing him this morning on the way to work…we live near each other. Didn’t speak he seemed very angry with me.

            • Shelly
              October 7, 2014 | 3:08 pm

              And I did see the article about what to do if your ex is angry. I thought enough time had went by but I think seeing me brought out emotions for him.

              • admin
                October 8, 2014 | 12:44 pm

                Or maybe not enough time went by for him to act rationally yet.

                • Shelly
                  October 9, 2014 | 3:48 pm

                  Maybe, but also ended up emailing him and he responded negatively, so when I saw him it was extra weird

  33. Pat
    October 1, 2014 | 3:36 pm


    I recently found this site and reading it in detail. My boyfriend had moved in and things where great till i recently cheated on the him, he found out because he had my apartment recorded while he was away for work. He came home and listene to it the next night. He packed up everything in the apartment and left. I have been going back and fourth about contacting him. I had not talked to him i played him our fav movie theme song 3 days after he left and then texted him 5 days after he left that inhope he landed safe and sound. i got no response. then i started the No contact, so it’s been 16 days. I want to reach out and very nervouse. Any suggestions????


    • admin
      October 3, 2014 | 2:00 pm

      Why did you cheat on him? What caused you to do it in the first place?

  34. Rose
    September 30, 2014 | 10:33 pm

    Hi dear Crise, its my 28 day NC,no fail, just one time when I found out its him keep calling me with privet number. And not talk,told him I knew its him and stop it! Then he stoped but then not as much but time to time he called with privet,then afew massege or voice on my viber but with very cold type of talk, that i wanted to bring ur coat,or can u call me or answer my call,he says, ” i dont take much of ur time “he dosnt beg or anything, its very very cold, and the last one was today which was very formal, by the way we had a fight, and then he told me he dosnt love me any more no feeling….I feel awfull, do u tbink he loves me! Am confuse, plz help me:)

    • admin
      October 1, 2014 | 3:49 pm

      Seems to me you are being too available for him.

      • Rose
        October 1, 2014 | 10:49 pm

        Hi!! Ur answer is very strenge!! As I mentiond I havent been in touch or answering any of his calls,texts, voice….at all !! So I kept my NC rull set as stone!and u saying ive been to available for him!????

        • admin
          October 3, 2014 | 2:23 pm

          You are absolutely right rose. That is my bad.

          What happened is I got your answer and another posters answer crossed (there are literally thousands of situations I have to deal with.)

          I dropped the ball there.

          I apologize.

  35. Averey
    September 29, 2014 | 7:03 pm

    Just started the NC with a guy I never dated but really like. He usually is the one leaving me hanging. I’m normally the last to text even though I always tell myself not to respond. I finally put my foot down after reading this and just stopped contacting him.

    It’s only been 3 maybe 4 hours and he has already texted me three times. I’ve never seen him act like this before. It’s empowering! Hopefully this changes the way he views me and starts taking my feelings more seriously. Or maybe (hopefully?) the opposite and I can finally move on. All I know is I deserve to be treated better.

    Thank you!

    • admin
      September 30, 2014 | 2:55 pm

      NC really is only supposed to be for people you have dated.

      • Averey
        September 30, 2014 | 4:11 pm


  36. ale
    September 29, 2014 | 4:39 pm

    hi chris. it’s been around 5/6 weeks since we last spoke/ seen each other. i told him i was backing off since he wants to date the 4 girls he is dating and i want a relationship. he got angry, saying i don’t understand him and that i make him sad (despite him getting in touch originally and him asking me to go out) but when i asked him to say why i make him sad, he couldn’t reply. i told him maybe it is because i remind him of how he can be and he nodded. the next day he texted saying he felt bad, didn’t know what to do, didn’t want to disrespect me or himself, slide back, but didn’t want to lose me. i told him maybe he should lose me to see what he feels. the next day he contacted me again with the excuse of some guy faking his own death to dump his girlfriend, saying that is emotional avoidance but he is not so bad. i told him again backing off means no texting (too easy otherwise, you go out, sleep with these girls, then i am there for the intelligent talks) and that i was disappearing hoping it would be good to us both. he went rude again saying disappear then, for which i told him off, and then sad don’t drag it out. haven’t heard from him since, not even a text on my birthday. today i bumped into his instagram by accident (thanks to a friend) and he has pictures with me in it, pictures i took last year on holiday. one of the pictures was one i took in june last year, him writing, and he says something like “struggle to write but the camera doesn’t care#separations” – the hashtag was the title of the email he sent when got in touch, and dates about 5 weeks ago. i miss him, despite everything. i don’t seem to be able to move on because i cannot accept why getting in touch, kiss me, behave like a boyfriend for a day, say i would make you happy, then backing off, pushing me away and retracting the apologies… thoughts? ideas? help? thank you.

    • admin
      September 30, 2014 | 2:47 pm


      Are you serious???

      • Ale
        September 30, 2014 | 9:07 pm

        Yes I am unfortunately. Don’t get me wrong, he knows I am not happy with it. Fair to say we have not been together for six months so he can do what he wants, it just bothers me that he got in touch, gave mixed signals then backed off. He is going through heavy stuff (finally accepting the abuse he suffered) and I guess it is a way to escape reality of a relationship. I got in touch today after 7 weeks of no contact to say what I believe and feel. He replied saying he misses me and would like to leave the past behind. Thoughts? I know this is not the average simple thing, mostly because of the heavy stuff he suffered in his childhood, and yes, I agree with your feeling of puzzlement…

        • admin
          October 1, 2014 | 3:49 pm

          Seems like a good response. Do you have any plans to see him again?

          • ale
            October 1, 2014 | 11:21 pm

            Maybe next week. I am trying not expect much nor repeat my mistakes. I told him right now I don’t want to know about dating but only why we have such a strong connection, he agreed and said this is why he replied. Gave me compliments on my looks and asked if I could help him out with his look, and generally been chatting. I am aware a lot has been said and done and the dating buggers me, but it’s either we manage to move forward or worst it can happen I will keep feeling like this. I feel I have nothing to lose… He seems more open so fingers crossed, but I am trying to keep it real.

  37. Chris
    September 18, 2014 | 7:07 pm

    My girlfriend of 4 months broke up with me for the 2nd time two days ago. Both times have been because her feelings simply dissapear after a while. She told me this was the 3rd time this has happened to her, and that she simply thinks that she’s not ready for a relationship. The last time she broke up with me, I applied the NC rule for over a month before she told me that she wanted me back.
    My questions are: how do I know when the NC rule starts working? And how do I know when I’m ready to be friends with her again? We have been friends for over 3 years, and both of us feel that we need each other in our lives. (Even if it’s not on a relationship level) Note that I’m not trying to get her back.. “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me”
    Thank you,

    • admin
      September 29, 2014 | 12:44 pm

      Hi Chris,

      I would love to direct you to my other site, Ex Girlfriend Recovery.

  38. Marisol
    September 15, 2014 | 10:45 pm

    I came across your article today and I’m hooked. I will make this short since you get plenty of emails. I have been dating my ex for 10 years on and off because he has cheated and enjoy the party life. We decided to buy a house and move in together he claims he was ready to make this work, we had our ups and down fixing and remolding the home and after 3 months a found out he was talking to the same girl he cheated on me before. I told him that it was better if we go our separate ways and he told me ” I won’t come back if a step out of this house” It’s been 2 months and I miss him so much and wish things will be different, we text at least 4 times per week but never to get back because his really upset I kicked him out. I spoke to him today and he told me that he doesn’t know what he wants or if he wants to work things out anymore, he hasn’t show me any effort to making things work out because his really mad and hurt. My question for you is what should I do should I ignore his messages and if I do what should be the last thing I should tell him before ignoring him completely. I wish I can go more into detail but I know you have more people to help out. He tells me I love you and miss you but this will not work and his Ego is so big it won’t allow him to look beyond that.
    Thank you,
    Marisol Guzman

    • admin
      September 16, 2014 | 3:22 pm

      Hi Marisol,

      First off, I am glad you left him. He is a scumbag who cheated on you multiple times. Men like that shouldn’t be rewarded with a good girl like you. Tell me, how long have you don the NC rule for?

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