Using text messages to get your ex boyfriend back can be one of the most effective “recovery” tactics that one can employ.

In fact, if done correctly, a text message can bring up reminiscent feelings that can set you down the right path to getting your ex back.

However, there seems to be a huge misunderstanding among the women out there on how to actually use text messaging effectively.

I am not going to lie to you, sending a text message is a huge risk, if done incorrectly you will decimate any chance you have of that happy reunion you keep daydreaming about.

In order for this to work the landscape has to be set up in a certain way.

Allow me to explain.

Understanding Where Texting Fits Into The Grand Scheme Of Things

I want you to take a moment and look at the graphic below,


This is the basic strategy that I teach to women who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

(Obviously things can get more advanced as you go.)

Now, if this is your first time being exposed to the strategy I would be shocked if you weren’t confused.

I like to tell newbies that our strategy is a little like a puzzle.

You can’t just pick and choose the pieces that you think will fit correctly. Things have to be done in a certain order.

Of course, when you put the puzzle pieces in the right order you give yourself the best chance to succeed.

Now, I started this article off by telling you that if you don’t use text messages in the right way you can essentially ruin your chances of success.

Well, here is the right way to use them,


Still confused?

Ok, I don’t want you to send any type of text message until AFTER the no contact rule has been completed.

I can hear the chorus of people screaming,

“CHRIS! Hold your horses… What is the no contact rule?”

Great question!

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Understanding How No Contact Can Fit Into The Texting Strategy

I am going to level with you…

The no contact rule is a very complex idea. Sure, it may sound simple to the average reader but you will find there are so many layers of things that have to be done in order to be successful with it that it merits it’s own article.

Luckily, I have created that article for you.

My recommendation is to read that article first before you even think about continuing.


Because I am going to give you the bare minimum definition on how the no contact rule works.

And if you are very serious about getting your ex boyfriend back (which I know you are) then you are going to want the intricate and layered definition.

So, what is the no contact rule?

Well, this is going to sound really weird but for the next 21 – 45 days I don’t want you to talk to your ex boyfriend.

Like… at all.


Yup, I know it sounds ridiculous but trust me, doing this will stack the odds in your favor in a very unique way.

Did you know that according to statistics cited in Your Tango 65% of men have admitted to thinking about their ex girlfriends too much?

Now, since I am a guy I can definitely say that this is a very true statement.

And the no contact rule is essentially going to raise your chances of making your ex boyfriend think about you too much.

So, for the next 21 – 45 days days you are not going to talk, text, email or write to your ex.

Oh, and in case you are wondering it is not going to be easy.

Since you are on my site I am assuming that you are interested in somehow trying to get your boyfriend back.

No matter how hard it is or how much you want to talk to him DO NOT DO IT, even if he responds you have to ignore it.

(UPDATE: I will say that there are certain situations where you must alter the no contact rule. In order to get a list of those situations click here)

You may be sitting there and wondering something like,

Ok, I get this whole idea of the no contact rule but why does it even work? Is there any evidence to back up the fact that it works?

Truthfully the psychology behind why it works is fascinating. Of course, in order for me to properly explain it to you I must first let you in on how a man can view a breakup.

As a guy, I will admit we have a warped way of looking at things. For example, after a breakup a guy will think something like…

“Just wait, she will text me begging to come back.”

Now, that is wrong on so many levels but you are going to use this type of thinking to your advantage.

By completely taking 21 – 45 days for yourself without texting him or talking to him at all you are slowly taking control of the situation.

Instead of thinking

“Just wait, she will text me begging to come back.”

He is going to be thinking..

“Why hasn’t she texted me yet? Has she moved on already?”

Do you see the power of the no contact rule now?

It is basically the ultimate way to get him checking his phone every five minutes to see if today is the day that YOU will text HIM.

But why?

Why does he have that reaction.

Well, the no contact rule utilizes a psychological principle called reactance.

Reactance: Human beings have freedoms. When those freedoms are threatened they are likely to react in a way to get that freedom back.

Let’s look at what’s happening here with the no contact rule.

By using the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend you are depriving him of HIS freedom to talk to you.

According to reactance he will react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

In other words, you may notice that he starts doing things in an effort to get your attention.

Ok, now that you have a general idea of what the no contact rule is I think we should move on and focus a bit on texting.

We already know that you aren’t supposed to use any type of texting strategies on your ex boyfriend until AFTER the no contact rule.

But even before you send your ex boyfriend a text I want to show you something.

GNATTING (What Is It?)

Since you are all beautiful women 😉 I am sure you have had your fair share of suitors throughout your life.

Now, out of those suitors, throughout your years in the dating realm there has had to have been at least one guy that didn’t pick up the hints that you weren’t interested in him.

He texted you, you ignored

He texted you again, you ignored again

And so on and so forth.

It usually looks a little something like this:


Essentially, the person who sent the message above turned into a text terrorist.

The text receiver was clearly ignoring the sender but they refused to accept that fact so they kept texting until they they could get a response.

Most women fail at texting their exes for the simple fact that they commit this texting sin and quite honestly it’s not even their fault.

Right after a break up everyone involved is out of whack emotionally and are prone to do some really stupid things.

I have heard plenty of stories where women, in the heat of the moment, texted their exes multiple times, even after getting no response.

Now, after almost half a decade of researching and helping the visitors to this site I have come up with a pretty clever acronym to describe someone who goes a little crazy when it comes to texting their ex.

I like to call it GNATTING.

G- Going

N- Nuts

A- At

T- Texting

The best way to think of this is to imagine that you are walking down the street when, all of a sudden, you have the misfortune of walking into a swarm of gnats.

Of course, if you have ever had this experience you would know that they follow you wherever you go.

You walk to the left, they follow you to the left.

You walk to the right, they follow you to the right.

You try to swat them away, they buzz harder.

It seems like no matter what you do they just won’t leave you alone.

Well, if were to apply this same principle to your ex you would be the gnat that is constantly following your ex boyfriend around.

Of course, I still haven’t explained why this is such a mistake.

Why Gnatting Is A Big Mistake

Have you ever seen that popular show, How I Met Your Mother?

Well, if you haven’t I certainly have 😉


(If you watch the show you would get the reference.)

Anyways, there is this really hilarious scene where Barney Stinson (a character) attempts to describe what’s called,

The Hot/Crazy Scale

It’s basically this scale that describes how “hot” a woman has to be to put up with her crazy antics.

I can’t do it justice in a simple explanation though so I am going to recommend that you take a simple minute out of your day and watch this,

Do you see where I am going with this?


Ok, I want you to imagine the Hot/Crazy Scale without the Hot aspect embedded within. In other words, it doesn’t matter how “hot” you are. If you are crazy then you are simply going to be looked at as crazy and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That’s kind of what happens when you engage in gnatting.

You are labeled as crazy and the more and more you engage in this type of behavior the farther away you are going to get from your ultimate goal of getting him back.

Don’t become a gnat.

Just don’t do it…

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The Correct Way To Utilize Text Messages

Do you remember the graphic I created for you above detailing the entire strategy of getting your ex boyfriend back?


Ok, no worries I will just post it below again for you,


Well, what if I told you that every single one of these “puzzle pieces” had puzzles pieces to go within them?

Take a look below,


Still confused?

Ok, let me make it a bit clearer.

With this particular article we are going to be focusing on this part of the strategy,


Take a good look at this graphic.

Essentially the most important components that you need to master when you text your ex boyfriend are,

  • The First Contact Text Message
  • Rapport Building Messages
  • Attraction Building Text Messages

So, from this point on that is what we are going to focus on.

I am going to teach you to master each of these components so you can truly be ready when the time comes to text your ex boyfriend.

Sound good?

Let’s begin with the first contact text message.

The First Contact Text Message

I have been doing this for a pretty long time and have pretty much learned that the first contact message is an essential part of the overall strategy that I teach.

How essential?

Think of it this way.

Generally you only have three chances to nail this and get a positive response.

If you don’t do it within those three times then your chances of success take a pretty drastic hit.

No pressure though.

Luckily, since I have determined that this is an essential part of the strategy I have spent a lot of time refining my strategy for it and have even recorded entire podcast episodes over it here (link) and here (link.)

The first contact text message has three main parts to it,

  1. The Action Phrase
  2. The Theme
  3. The Story

What I’d like to do is take a moment to dive into each one of these and really expand upon them so you have a really good idea of what I am going for here.

The Action Phrase

What do you think I mean when I say,

“Action Phrase?”

Is it like those old Batman cartoons that had the words,



In them?


Actually that’s kind of right.

I want you to take a second and imagine something for me. You are at a crowded bar with a group of your friends. Now, since you are a nice person you offer to go buy drinks for everyone in your group.

After listening very intently to everyone’s drink order you go to the bartender and put in the order.

Of course, there is always that moment of awkward silence upon ordering your drinks where you are just sitting there waiting for the drinks to be made.

So you decide to do the one thing that you always have fun doing, check out some of the guys.

Upon inspecting the latest crop you notice there isn’t anything that’s up to your standards.

That’s when you hear it…

“Mam, your drinks are ready.”

You grab the drinks and begin to walk over to your friends who are bunched up in a very tight knit group.

It’s loud…

The music is blaring…

And as much as you yell you can’t get any of your friends attention.

That’s when a thought enters your head.

“Hmm… I wonder if I….”

You put the drinks down and decide to clap your hands as loud as you possibly can,


In that instant all of your friends have your undivided attention. In fact, the whole bar does.

That’s kind of what we are trying to do here with the action phrase portion of the first contact text message.

We are trying to say something that will snap your ex to attention.

Remember, if you follow the plan I laid out here (link) then you will have just ignored your ex boyfriend for 21 – 45 days.

Simply saying,


Isn’t going to cut it.

You are going to have to do a lot better than that.

You need to say something that will not only capture his attention but peak his interest.

One of my personal favorite action phrases is,


What is your automatic response to this text?

It’s to say, “what,” right?

The action phrase is meant to set up the next part of your text which we will talk about right now.

The Theme

A lot of women come to me every single day and ask a simple question,

“Is there any advantage that I have over the other girls trying to attract my ex girlfriend?”

The answer to that question is yes.

The advantage that you have is knowledge.

Now, it may not be as flashy as something like the honeymoon period but knowledge can be a very powerful thing if it’s wielded in the right way.

You’ve heard of that famous book called,

The Art of War


It’s written by this genius named Sun Tzu who was a Chinese general.

Anyways, in it he says,

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

Which of these categories do you think you fall into?

Well, you know your ex and you know yourself so I think you have a pretty clear advantage over other women.

Of course, it’s how you wield your knowledge that will make all the difference between success and failure.

So, what is the correct way to use knowledge?

You know your ex boyfriend.

You dated him.

You know what he likes and you know what he doesn’t like.

So use this knowledge when it comes to your first contact text message. Make sure that you aren’t talking about something that he will have no interest in.

I’ll give you an example.

A couple of months ago I did something that was unheard of in my industry.

I actually filmed a live coaching session and posted it live to my website for FREE.

The whole coaching session covers how to handle the first contact text message. When I got to the part where Whitney (the woman I was coaching) and I were talking about how to use her knowledge of her ex properly I explained the idea of creating a theme for a text message.

I’ll tell you what I told her.

Use your ex boyfriends “likes” to create a theme for your first contact text message.

Whitney determined that her ex loved golf so her theme should be golf. In other words, throughout her first contact text message she would emphasize golf.

More specifically, she would work golf into a story for her ex boyfriend.

The Story

People connect with stories.

Why do you think movies and TV shows are so popular?

It’s because we love watching/ reading stories.

Ironically I have found them to be eerily effective with first contact text messages.

Let me give you an example.

Whitney, the woman I decided to coach ended up picking golf as her theme and when she worked it into a story it looked like this,


You may have also noticed that she utilized her action phrase before she told her story.

By the way, the screenshot of the text message you see above is from her phone.

This is the real result that she got.

Now, should you use her text word for word and send it to your ex boyfriend?

Absolutely not.

I am just trying to give you the formula.

Which is this,


That’s pretty much the nuts and bolts of what I want you to do for the first contact text message. Let’s move on to the more interesting text messages.

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Rapport Building Text Messages

Women are always coming up to me and asking,

“Chris, how do I “re-build” attraction with my ex over text?”

And I used to give some long winded answer about how it’s important to “be interesting” or “influence them.”

But what does that even mean?

I think the truth was that I didn’t even know.

And that fact always kind of annoyed me.

So, about a year ago I decided to dissect this thing called “attraction.”

Specifically, how do you spark it.

All I had to do was draw from my own experience and take an introspective look at what’s worked on me.

And the more I thought about it the more I began to realize that attraction doesn’t just come out of nowhere.

Instead, there is a clear path to it.

And that path starts with rapport.

Allow me to elaborate.

Rapport is defined as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.

In other words, rapport is the thing that is built when you get along with someone.

The way I look at it rapport simply lays the foundation for attraction.

Without it you don’t have any hope to build any type of attraction.

I often tell the story of the time that I went on a date where no rapport was built at all.

Seriously, I tried everything on this date to build rapport with this girl but she wasn’t having it.

I would tell a funny joke, she wouldn’t even crack a smile.

I would tell an engaging story, she would stare at me blankly.

Nothing was working on this girl.

Suffice it to say, I couldn’t create a harmonious relationship with her where she understood my feelings or ideas.

As a result, the date was disastrous.

Here is my point, attraction cannot be built without rapport. It’s an essential part of the process. It creates a foundation that you can build attraction upon.

In fact, one of the biggest mistakes that I see women making on a continual basis is the fact that they try to start building attraction with their exes without first having built rapport.

And who can blame them?

They just ignored their exes via the no contact rule and they want to start seeing the fruits of their labor. Unfortunately, patience and discipline will be required here.

And that patience and discipline will come in the form of building rapport.

But how?

How do you successfully build rapport with your ex boyfriend?

Well, I think a great reference point to look at is how salespeople use rapport.

It’s often said that before you go in for the kill (aka: the sale) you must first build rapport with your prospect. Essentially you are priming the prospect for the sales pitch.

Warming them up to it so to speak.

You can build this type of rapport in three ways,

  1. Making It Personalized
  2. Making It Unique
  3. Making It Appropriate

This template is going to be the reference point for every rapport building message that you send to your ex.

Now, I have thought for a long time on how best to explain the rapport building messages to you and ultimately I decided on giving you a fake scenario and crafting a message around it.

So, here is our scenario.

(Jason and Jane just went through a breakup after Jason refused to take their relationship to the next level (marriage.) Everything seemed perfect between the two of them. So perfect in fact that many of their close personal friends thought they were made for each other. Both of them were workout fanatics. Both of them loved reading and cuddling on the couch.)

So, in this scenario what can Jane do with a rapport building text message?

Well, let’s start by making it unique.

How To Text In A Unique Way

We want her to come at this from a different angle than most of her counterparts would.

Uniqueness in my mind when it comes to text messages can come in many shapes and forms.

Sometimes it’s sending a video message…

Sometimes it’s wording something in a unique way…

Sometimes it’s sending a picture when no one else would…

Of course, I have the benefit of data and experience and I can tell you that I have seen a lot of women have incredible results with video messages.

In fact, I am going to tell you a little story about myself and video text messages.

When I turned 24 something really interesting happened to my overall mindset about dating. Most kids my age were content to date around and have fun. However, that idea never appealed to me too much. I am the type of person who puts his all into his relationships and putting the work in and constantly dating a ton of women can get a little boring.

So, at 24 I decided that I was going to start looking for someone I could fall madly in love with.

This wasn’t about sex…

This wasn’t about having fun…

This was about finding someone who could turn my world upside down.

Even if I got hurt in the process I wanted to have an experience that I could draw upon for inspiration.

And at 24 I didn’t think I had felt that way about anyone in my life yet.

Of course, I am a very analytical human being which doesn’t always mesh with “love” where emotions rule. So, rather than dissecting things I decided to look at it like a giant sales pitch.

When you boil dating down to it’s simplest form that’s essentially all it is.

A contest where you have to show a girl that you are the best candidate for her to date.

And honestly the best way to do that is to go above and beyond.

This certainly applies to text messages.

After much deliberation I decided that I was going to swallow my pride of hiding behind words and put my face out there.

Now ladies, let me ask you a question.

How many men in your lives take the time to send you a personal video of themselves anymore?

Not a lot, huh?

So, that’s what I decided to do to be unique.

Instead of merely texting I was going to send a personal video of myself.

In fact, that’s what I did the very first time I texted my wife.

I remember it as clear as day.

I woke up one morning and thought to myself,

I am just going to send a video of myself eating breakfast. It wasn’t anything special to be honest with you. It was simply a look into my daily routine.

However, I did it in such a unique way (by sending her a text video) that she could connect with it.

Now we are married 😉 .

So, let’s say that Jane adopts this unique way of texting.

She decides that she wants to record a video of herself saying something to build rapport.

What should she say?

Well, that’s where personalization comes into play

How To Craft A Personalized Message

Human beings are wired for connections.

I’ll give you an example.

I was doing an interview with a guy by the name of Matt Marr the other day.

Super nice guy.

Super successful too.

So, we did the interview and afterwards we got to talking about our likes and dislikes. Anyways, I happened to mention that I was a big fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and he stops everything he is doing and says this to me,

“Wow, if you lived near me I am pretty sure we would be best friends!”

Now, obviously this made me feel good because I found another Buffy fan but I also noticed he started opening up to me after that.

It’s because I hit on a connection we had that was very personalized for him.

I want you to have that type of a moment with your ex.

But how?

Well, I will be the first to admit that it’s not going to be as easy in your case because your ex boyfriend probably thinks he knows everything about you and part of the power of this connection method that I am talking about is when your ex learns something new about you.

But there has to be something that you can connect with your ex on that he doesn’t know about yet.

Human beings always have hidden depths.

Even if it’s as small as being a fan of watermelon it will work.

The key here is that it has to be something that both of you have in common.

Of course, the more meaningful the connection is to him the better.

So, let’s say that your ex boyfriend is a big fan of comic books. Of course, you are also a big fan of comic books as well except you never talked about that with him.

Can you imagine sending a video message saying something like,

“Just thought I would drop you a line seeing as how I picked up the latest issue of Batman. Totally loving it!”

Not only will you blow his mind because you are a fan of comic books but you are going to hit on that connection and you will find that he is super easy to get to open up.

Making The Message Appropriate

Why do you think I added this section?

Well, I thought it would be appropriate to mention that the message you send to your ex needs to be appropriate.

Don’t compare him to bear poop (which literally happened before.)

In addition, don’t cry on video or complain about how much you miss him.

These desperate behaviors are going to drive him away.

Make sure your message is appropriate for the context that we are dealing with here.

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Attraction Building Text Messages

I have thought for a long time on how I wanted to handle this section.

There are so many ways to tackle “attraction text messages.” However, I ultimately settled upon love…

Wait, what?

Well, I happened to stumble across this amazing research where scientists literally tried to find out what makes someone fall in love with another person.

They found the following factors were present,

  • Similarity Is Important
  • Emotional Arousal

So, here is my idea. Every single text message that you send to your ex boyfriend needs to have purpose. What better way to hit on that purpose than to make sure every single text message you send hits on making him fall in love with you.

Let’s look at these love text messages a bit deeper.

Similarity Is Important

What’s that famous quote?

Opposites attract.

Actually when it comes to relationships research suggests the opposite is true.

Have you ever seen that movie High Fidelity?

Well, there is a scene in that movie that perfectly sums up what I am going for here,

It’s what you like, not what you are like.

In other words, one of the pillars of attraction that we are going for here is similarity. The more in common that you have with your ex the better.

Now, some of you may have just hit the panic button upon hearing this.

If you are one of these people please don’t.

I am not saying that you have to be a clone of your ex for him to like you. Instead, I am saying leverage you similarities with a little game I like to call,

Have you ever….

What Is The “Have You Ever” Game?

The way this works is simple.

You are going to play a texting game with your ex.

The gist of this game is to see how much you and your ex have in common. Of course, the best part of this little game is that you aren’t going to tell your ex that you are playing it.

I am going to diagram the purpose of this game out for you,



So, the game starts where you ask your ex boyfriend a simple question through text message,


What you are trying to do here is bring a similarity to light by asking a simple question. Now, in this example we are going to assume that your ex boyfriend is really big into telescopes and stuff like that. Hence, the reason I composed a text about a super moon.

Now, when your ex boyfriend responds to the super moon text I want you to engage him into talking about the super moon for as long as possible.

It should look something like this except it’s a little more drawn out in real life,


After you have fully drew out the similarity I want you to repeat the process over and over again. Except this time I want you to ask him a question in a different way other than,

“Have you ever _____”

Get it?

By playing this little game you are going to be hammering your similarities home to him on a consistent basis.

Let’s move on to our next attraction building text message.

Emotional Arousal

Pay attention to this section because nothing on this page is more important than grasping this concept.

Yes, it’s that important.

What’s the first thing that you think of when someone talks about arousal?

Sex, right?

At least, that’s what I think of.

But when I talk about arousal from this point on I am not talking about sexual arousal or something of that nature.

So, what am I talking about?

The dictionary defines arousal as to stir to action or strong response; excite: .

That’s what I am going for here. I am talking about inspiring your ex when you talk to them to take a certain action (Ideally a positive one.)

Now, here is the funny thing about arousal.

It’s often said that Any type of situation that affects us emotionally increases the chance of falling in love.

Now, I am not sure I agree with that statement but it gives me a starting point to describe an interesting phenomenon.

I wouldn’t say that I am a workout fanatic or anything like that but I do love to work out. In fact, I try to get at least five workouts in every single week. And one of the hard truths that I have had to learn about working out is the fact that if you don’t have music playing in your ears while you workout it can be an extremely painful experience.

Of course, I like the randomness of having the radio on when I work out.

(Some things are better left up to chance and this is one of them.)

Every once in a while a song will come on the radio that inspires me. It really gets me motivated. It gives me this amazing feeling in my chest and for a short period of time I feel like I have some incredible out of body experience where everything is effortless.

I was dead tired but a minute after hearing this song I feel alive for the first time.

If you work out I am sure you have had this experience happen to you at least once in your life.

Ultimately the song was so good that it aroused you.

The ultimate goal when you are texting your ex boyfriend is to make him aroused in this way.

While talking to you, you want him to feel inspired.

You want him to feel genuinely happy.

You want to touch him on a deep level.

But why?

The Good Feelings Theory

I have this theory.

Of course, in order to explain this theory properly I need to get a bit scientific. Specifically, I need to explain what happens when you have a crush on someone.
Let’s pretend that you develop a crush on someone at your work. Every time you see this person you feel excited and “giddy.”

Have you ever taken a moment to stop and ask yourself what causes that feeling?

Well, when you see your crush and become aroused the neurons in your brain start releasing dopamine (also known as the “feel good hormone.”)

Dopamine has been associated with feelings of euphoria.

Now, here is where things get interesting.

This euphoric feeling is triggered by seeing your crush and it makes you feel good. And because your body wants to keep feeling good your brain will constantly fire off more dopamine.

And this is kind of what you are going after here with arousal.

The ultimate goal is to make your ex boyfriend so aroused that every time he sees a text from you dopamine is constantly being fired in his brain.

In other words, you are reinforcing the fact that you make him feel good on a biological level with every text you send.

But how?

How can some simple words in a text message make this happen?

Well, I’ll leave it up to J.K. Rowling to explain that,

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”

And we are definitely looking for some magic here.

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Understanding The Inner Workings Of Arousal

In the example above I asked you to imagine a crush.

After doing that I thoroughly explained the biological workings of feeling aroused.

But have you ever asked yourself what is going on inside of a mans head when he is becoming aroused by a woman?

Well, I would like to tackle that now because understanding this one simple fact is essential for you to be able to construct a perfect arousal text message.

When I found the research on dopamine above I remember thinking that it was extremely interesting. However, I also thought that when dopamine is being fired off in my brain when I have a crush on someone the inner workings are completely different.

It’s often the daydreams that do it for me.

I’ll give you an example.

When I met my wife and we started texting back and forth I got that giddy feeling of euphoria. In fact, that’s how I knew that I was falling for her. Whenever I got a text from someone I automatically wanted it to be from her.

And when it wasn’t I almost felt disdain for the person who was texting me.

But an interesting thing started happening.

I remember having these vivid daydreams where I would imagine a potential future with her.

I would daydream about anything you could imagine.

Her being in trouble and me coming to the rescue,


Going to parties with her,


Heck, even dressing up for Halloween,


It was really these daydreams that pushed me over the edge and made me take the necessary actions to date her.

And here is the scary truth.

If I had just liked her a little and didn’t have those type of daydreams I wouldn’t have ever dated her.

She was the one woman who made me feel euphoric and aroused.

However, upon reading about the dopamine I am wondering if my dopamine was working on overdrive when I was having these vivid daydreams?

I think so.

And I think the daydreams might also be the key to re-attracting your ex boyfriend.

Now, let’s call upon some of that magic.

Arousal Text Messages

Daydreams are key here.

I want you to remember that.

But not all daydreams can be positive.

(Buffy Spoiler Alert)

I’ll never forget the episode of Buffy called “Hell’s Bells” where one of the main characters, Xander, is about to get married to his longtime girlfriend Anya.

Of course, a demon comes to town and gives him these vivid daydreams of what their life could be like.

And the daydreams he has are horrifying.

His whole life flashes before his eyes and he calls the wedding off.

Now, the only reason I say that is because we are dealing with your ex boyfriend. Someone who may not be too happy with you right now.

So, it’s important that if you are going to lead your ex to have a daydream about you that it be positive.

Now, the key to a good positive daydream is that it has to be emotionally affecting.

Now, there is one way that you can do this really extremely well.

Re enforce The Height Of Your Relationship

Let’s tackle reinforcing the height of your relationship first.

The Height Of Your Relationship

Have you ever heard of this idea of misattribution of emotions?

The basis of the theory is that sometimes you can have an emotional experience that is so powerful that it affects you an a deep level. However, you don’t know where that feeling comes from. So, you kind of stick that experience to the most practical thing you can think of.

Dan Ariely, an MIT behavioral economist, did a really fascinating study where he surveyed an audience who was watching a band.

He asked the audience a pretty simple question,

How attractive do you think the band members are.

He asked the audience this question before the band started playing.

After all the answers were in he told the band to start playing their songs. When the band ultimately finished playing he then posited the same question to the audience, how attractive do you think each of the band members are?

An overwhelming majority of the audience gave the band members a huge boost in attractiveness.

So, what happened here?

Well, the band played songs that made people emotional.

It aroused them and ultimately they determined that the band was responsible for how they were feeling which meant that they were more attractive.

Now, why do you think I told you that story?

Well, the key thing you need to keep in mind here is that when you are trying to reenforce the height of your relationship you are trying to tap into this misattribution of emotions.

By bringing up an experience that affects your ex on an emotional level you are banking on the fact that he is going to associate you with those positive emotions.

Now, how can you do this with a text?

Well, I am going to ask you a series of questions and depending on how you answer these questions is going to tell me the angle you should take when typing up a text message.

  1. What was the exact moment in your relationship with your ex that you felt like it couldn’t get any better?
  2. If you could use a specific image to describe that moment what would it be?
  3. Describe how the most powerful feelings made you feel during the peak of your relationship.


The more I write this up the more I feel like I should do this exercise with you.

Ok, so here’s the deal.

I will use my relationship with my wife as an example to show you how to really reenforce the peak.

I’ll take it question by question.

What was the exact moment in your relationship that you felt like it couldn’t get any better?

The moment that I was staring into her eyes during our wedding.

If you could use a specific image to describe that moment what would it be?

Luckily, our wedding had professional photographers so I have the exact moment captured on film. Here’s a picture of the exact moment I am talking about above,


Now, I do want to interject for a moment here.

Please do not think you have to have your exact “peak moment” captured with your ex. Imagery is the most important thing I am going for here.

If you think back to your peak moment and this is the image that is conjured in your mind,


Then that is completely fine.

Having a picture is important. Take your time on this.

Describe how the most powerful feelings made you feel during the peak of your relationship.

Honestly, I felt like I had an endless amount of butterflies in my stomach. I became very in tune with my body and the emotions I was feeling.

I remember shaking with excitement as I held her hands.

I remember being touched when tears started forming in her eyes.

I felt like I had final reached the epitome of love.

So, now that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge lets put it all together and create a killer text.

You are going to start with one simple statement,


Why do you think you are going to say this?

Well, it’s to establish trust right off the bat.

You want him to think,

“Wow, she trusts me enough to tell me something she has never told anyone before.”

It also serves as the perfect bait to get him engaged in the conversation.

Out of all the text messages you will send to your ex this is the one text that you want him engaged.

Next you are going to send this,


This is the wind up/set up.

You are framing the text with this message and you are also introducing him to the picture that you associate with the peak of your relationship.

The next part is essential though,


This is where you describe the peak and how it made you feel.

You are counting on the fact that with the imagery and the intense description of how you felt you are going to bring him back to that moment as well.

Now, I do want to say one thing before I move on to the next text type.

Sending this message is a risk.

There is no doubt about it.

Make sure you have built up a lot of rapport and sent out a lot of feelers to ensure that the likelihood of him responding negatively to this text is low.

Aren’t There More Text Messages Than This?

I want to start this section off with a bit of a confession.

So far I have only covered three text message types throughout this article.

The obvious question you are probably having at this point is,

“Aren’t there more text message types?”

The answer to that question is a resounding YES!

Here’s the problem though.

We are already about 7,000 words into this article and I have only tackled three messages. The fact of the matter is that I don’t have the time it takes to explain 250 different text message types to you.

That’s what I wrote “The Texting Bible” for.

So, that’s where I am going to recommend that you turn your attention if you want a full outline of every text that you are going to need to send to your ex.

The article is ending suddenly, huh?

I kind of do this on purpose to constantly keep you wanting more.

Remember, The Texting Bible, is probably the best way to fully understand the ins and the outs of texting.

What to Read Next

My Ex Replies To My Texts With Short Answers

By Chris Seiter | 4 comments

The Psychology Of An Ex During The Texting Phase

By Chris Seiter | 13 comments

What It Means When Your Ex Responds So Quickly

By Chris Seiter | 14 comments

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2,733 thoughts on “How To Use Text Messages To Get Your Ex Back”

  1. Avatar


    October 15, 2020 at 9:00 pm

    I like this guy we was texting each other and more realtors nice things like how he wanted me forever but suddenly he blocked me on everything For no reason at all I text him on a different account to try and find out he replied saying he blocked everyone on his phone because he needs space he is over the pace what are the chances of us talking again I feel I didn’t do anything wrong to him

  2. Avatar


    October 11, 2020 at 9:15 am

    It happened that today is the end of the NC, I tried letting him go by thinking thinking that I will get over it, it did not happen. We broke up because he thought I “deserve better” and that he “Is not ready for a relationship” and he “lost interest”. He told me that he wants to be friends at the beginning, fact I did not accept. He tried multiple times to ask about me from my friends on how I am, and always got the same answer “she is very good”. He tried to text me, and i replied only with a yes.
    I don’t know now if I should or should not text him, as I am 100% sure he won’t do it, but another part is telling me that “he wants to just be friends”
    What should I do about this, as I hope to get back but I hope im not gonna get hurt

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 8:44 pm

      Hi Amalia, so you said you were replying to him with “yes” you need to not reply at all no matter what he sends you for a solid 30 days and work on yourself in that time, if you want to get him back using this program then you need to send the first reach out text, but make sure that you are using the texts that Chris suggests in his articles to get your ex interested in conversation with you.

  3. Avatar


    August 23, 2020 at 11:34 pm

    My ex had a huge bout of anxiety and a lot of crap in his personal life so we broke up about 2 months ago. I gave him space, and made contact last week. He’ll ask me questions and answer but he doesn’t initiate. I’m not sure how often to text or how to suggest I give him his stuff back so we can see each other?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 10:04 pm

      Hi Jen, if you want him back I wouldn’t suggest giving stuff back yet. Have a number of conversations where you end at the peak of conversation to get him interested and investing into talking to you and build up your connection

  4. Avatar

    Astasia Girard

    February 13, 2020 at 5:44 am

    Hey Chris! I know I messaged you already but my no contact is over next Thursday at 48 days and I have no idea what to say. I’ve watched all your podcasts pretty much. I wanted to buy your product but I’m in school and working and I have my own apartment and I don’t have any extra income. I just need a little help creating my message. Our breakup was sudden and we went fast and heavy in the love dept for 6 months and then one day we had an amazing date and the next he told me he never loved me and broke up with me. So I’m not rly sure how to make the next step. He does still have my insurance cards and I thought creating a message about those. I’m so nervous and I have no idea where to go from here and I’ve been wracking my brain.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 5:21 pm

      Hey Astasia, so your first reach out does not need to be a big topic, it can be something he is interested in and somethign that you know he is going to be interested in talking to you about, but it needs to be a short conversation, positive, no emotions. And you need to be the one to end the conversation. simply 3/4 texts maximum

  5. Avatar


    December 28, 2019 at 5:44 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have done NC and sent a text just like you advised. That was a couple of weeks ago and my ex and I have been texting back and forth.

    I feel like I’ve done a lot of the right things by utilising what you say to build attraction etc but the last text my ex sent was on Xmas day. I sent one back saying happy Xmas too and since then I’ve had nothing…

    I don’t want to turn into a text gnat! So I’m waiting for him to make the next move.

    Is that the right thing to do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 29, 2019 at 11:34 pm

      Hey yes wait for him to reach out and if you do not hear anything by the 4th/5th of Jan you can reach out and talk to him about somethign he would find interesting or did something exciting that he wouldnt expect you to do

  6. Avatar

    Looking for lasting love

    December 10, 2019 at 6:20 pm

    Hello Chris. I successfully completed 30 days of NC (no response from him throughout the 30 days although he posted some philosophical stories on fb about letting go and having bad days and stuff like that) and excitedly reached out to him on the 33rd day. I din’t semd any boring or intimidating texts. I just sent something about happening to chance upon something that made me think of him. But…. Wait for it…. NO RESPONSE to my forat contact text. I am clueless about what to do next. Should i leave it at that? Someone as stubborn to nor reply even after i made the first move should have been made of sterner stuff. Or maybe he really doesn’t want me? Or should i reach out again after a week ? Wont that make me look desperate ? Do i have any chance at all. By the way ours was a one month old relationship after being friends for 2 months. And it was a (sortable… Atleast for me) disagreement that made him want to break the relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 12:15 am

      Hey, so as long as your message friendly and only asking for advice or telling your ex something interesting then you should reach out in approximately 7 days with a message that should get him curious to what your message is going to say. Read some articles about texting, or watch some videos about texting on Chris YouTube channel

  7. Avatar


    November 12, 2019 at 3:08 am

    I successfully ended no contact in a slightly unorthodox way but my ex agreed to be friends (really emphasized the friend part). We’ve been texting a week now, sometimes I’ll get 2-3 texts in a day and then sometimes 1 every 2-3 days. How can I bump up the frequency? We don’t have each other on social media. And my last text that was tailor-made to draw him in fell flat, he didn’t take the bait.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 8:00 pm

      You need to make sure the texts are always about his interests, or something interesting to talk about. Having a general day to day conversation is not going to get him talking to you more at the moment but what you’ve mentioned above is really good going for the first two weeks of texting

  8. Avatar


    February 28, 2019 at 12:33 pm

    Hi, I and this guy have liked each other for 5 years but we never really dated. It was like a situation where we were both aware of each other’s feelings but we weren’t ready to date but we flirted and didn’t see other people. However, I kinda cheated on him by sexting another guy. Now he just wants to be friends because this is like the second time I’m cheating on him. I’ve apologized severally but he won’t have it this time. He says he’s done. I really do love him and I don’t want to be friends. But he says he doesn’t love me anymore. Help me

  9. Avatar


    December 13, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    I had my suspicions that my ex was talking to someone else. I called him out on it and he vanished. No reply, just blocked me. Blocked from messenger but not a full block, we still can see each other’s Facebook. We were very close, talked all day, everyday. It’s been two weeks of NC. Part of me thinks I was right, and he was busted, part of me thinks he’s just mad at me that I would think something like that because things were going so good, maybe I overreacted? I don’t know, he won’t talk to me. The silence is killing me and I just want to work it out. I guess all I can do is wait and see if he comes back around??

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 14, 2018 at 12:47 am

      Hi Bella…what is wrong with that guy for blocking in ghost like fashion. Geez, some guys just don’t seem to understand how rude that is. Best to complete your NC….see it through the end, but be sure you are exercising this principle to the fullest.

  10. Avatar


    August 31, 2018 at 1:14 pm

    Hey I’ve been with my ex for 4 months on July 7th and on July 16th he broke up with me and I don’t fully understand why he said the relationship was toxic but I felt otherwise because he broke up with me July 5th we got back together July 7th on our 4 months being together. I thought it was officially over on the 7th until he came back and said we was going to work things out and take it slow. So everything is going smooth and then it’s Monday July 16th,2018 he called me and he wants to come over. So he asked can I make him some pancakes before he got here. So I got up to ,ale the pancakes but long story short the time he got here the pancakes wasn’t made so we argued a little bit he went to the store he took a while but he came back I was in a good mood that day. He was being very distant towards me he started to bring up the pancakes and me not giving him a kiss but I had lipstick on and I know he doesn’t likes that. So long story short he started an argument and then left and I do admit I kept texting him after the break up I was so hurt and confused.. I would let time and days past before I wrote him again. I understand we had some drama in our relationship with others getting involved with it but I feel if we give things a second chance and keep people out of relationship this time and just focus on us we’ll have a better outcome. His birthday is coming up September 20th it makes me sad I had so much planned for his birthday. I wanted to make him feel so special on his birthday. A few family members reached out to him and he’s so cold now I wonder if he’s hiding behind emotions or just doesn’t love me anymore. He’s a Virgo so he’s a pretty complicated person. I love him so much he’s my best friend within the time we spent together we was together everyday almost and I have strong feelings for him and I don’t want to be with nobody else but him. Even if we don’t get back together I would like to at least get some understanding of what happened but the goal is for us to get back together. So is there any hope for us to give our relationship a second try.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 31, 2018 at 2:22 pm

      Hi Nahla!

      I agree….that is a goal to shoot for getting back together so its important to have an ex recovery plan. Just time needs to be taken for things to cool down…no contact can help accomplish that. There are a lot of moving pieces to doing right, so feel free to visit my home page to tap into some of my resources.

  11. Avatar


    August 3, 2018 at 4:02 pm

    hello , thank you very much for that interesting topic

    could u please advise me
    i know a person for 5 months i know its a short time we are also LDR but we have been talking daily and almost 24 hour . he likes to talk all the time

    we stopped talking once for 3 weeks . then he received a gift from me so he talked to me back

    second time we fight and i stopped talking to him and blocked him 2 months . i unblock him, so he received a message i sent before blocking him and he answered the message .that happened few days ago

    i feel he wanted to talk but he is so stubborn and thats really make me sad.
    i mean if i dont make any sign . he will not talk ! and he also letting me so easily
    ( thats why i feel anger and fight with him always i want to change that )

    we start talking and he was so cold .. careless telling me to find my way
    then we start to talk normally now . but he keep telling me he let it go in that day i left
    and he is not ready for me . he wasn’t even ready for me .and lots of stuff like that
    at first i was trying to tell him we was good but he did not try
    then i told him i dont want to talk about the past lets be friends ( is that good ? or i might make it worse by saying that ) ?can u give me ur advise and what should i respond here?

    and also could you advise me should i talk normally and answer him like before ?
    i have read what u said that i should not send him daily ” but i have a different satiation here.
    1. he is the one who sending me daily now so what should i do ? pretend that i’m not seeing the messages for day or two ? or just few hours ? or what ?
    2. the other thing that our relation is still new and it need a strong base ” i’m afraid if i did not build a more nice memories he might find someone to give him the attention ” because he need to talk daily that what he said when we talk first time ever

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 4, 2018 at 2:49 am

      Hi again H.N…..I found you! I was looking for your other comment!

      My first suggestion is that you would be best served if you had an ex recovery plan. Go to my home page to learn more about the tools, ebooks, podcasts, and resources available to you. Secondly, I want to build upon nice memories and every relationship is different, so if you have a positive trend of communication going, keep it going, but try to find balance in it. I call it Tide Theory in my eBook!

  12. Avatar


    February 7, 2018 at 2:48 am

    Me and my ex had a running joke that im jumpy and get scared easily. Also on our 1 year anniversary he gave me a stuffed elephant. How is this as a first text? “Omg I was looking for something in my closet when the stuffed elephant you gave me fell on me and it scared me so much i thought i was being attacked by an animal” is it good?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 12:36 pm

      Hi Silvia,

      Kinda, but is it something that you could have a conversation about?

  13. Avatar


    December 27, 2017 at 4:39 am

    Hey Chris,

    So it’s been a couple months since the last time I wrote on here. The good news is that I’m succeeding with becoming the Ungettable Girl and… well my friend Linda (who is also friends with my ex) gave my ex my phone number (he never had it before as we were just long distance friends) last month without telling me and he texted me around midnight “hey. This is *Paul”
    I waited until the next day and I replied “hey. What’s up?” But he never responded. The next day the SoCal fires started and I texted him a short “hope you and your kids are safe” again, I never got a reply and I haven’t texted him since figuring that if I’m patient, he will eventually reply. Did I break any protocols? I figured since I’ve been doing NC for a little over a year, it was safe to respond to him since he initiated the texting. Is he just playing with me? He didn’t have to text me when my friend gave him my phone number, so what is his logic? He is a grown man with teenage kids so it’s not like he is an immature guy, though he is acting like one with me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      Hi Donna,

      He probably just texted to say hi and maybe see how you are but he has no other meaning for it.. It’s better to move on from him

  14. Avatar

    Sofia Isabel Bueta

    December 22, 2017 at 6:46 am

    We broke up 2 weeks ago and during the first 2 days of our breakup he became really sweet as if we’re still together and keeps on saying he’s tempted to get back again but says we need some space. He keeps saying he’s tempted but he’s not doing it because he wants to stand firm with his decision. He gets annoyed and says he’s done and he doesn’t want me anymore whenever he feels like I’m pushing him to get back with me. He tells me he misses me but when he feels like I’m pushing him he always says he’s done and we’re not getting back together. After a week I sent him a long ass message telling him how much I love him and miss him and telling him all our fun moments together and he replied in a very sweet and positive way. He said he’s hurt because he misses everything too and i’m his happiness and he’s lonely without me. He said he wanted to talk to me and call me but doesn’t do it because he wants to know his true feelings. He told me that we will try again when the time is right and that everything’s gonna be alright. We talked the whole day but when the night came I sent him a long message again and he just told me “That’s too long” and said “well I’m working on myself and I’m trying to move on” he felt that I was again pushing him to get back with me and said he was just slowly letting go to not shock me and that he’s done and we are never getting back together. It’s been two days since that happened and we never spoke again. I want us to get back together and I’m sure of it. what should I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 26, 2017 at 1:12 am

      Hi Sofia,

      Are you still talking now? Check this one:
      Will My Ex Forget Me If I Do No Contact

  15. Avatar


    October 31, 2017 at 9:24 am

    Hi am haleemah my boy friend broke up with me early this month he saw some messages o my phone chatting with other guts , have been neging him to please giveme a second chance but he wouldn’t listen ,I mesg he several times but he said he is no more interested but the truth is I love him and I didn’t cheat on him intentionally ,I only did it because of my ex but he didn’t believe me.pls I never your advice

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 1, 2017 at 8:01 pm

  16. Avatar


    October 10, 2017 at 9:16 am

    Hi! So I have been snapchating with my ex for some time now. The problem is that if I send him a snap he might respond with some emojies or sometimes a comment, but we never actually get a conversation out of it. Should I text him instead of sending him a snap even though we usually only snap? Or should I respond to any of his comments and start a conversation from there? Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 10, 2017 at 3:28 pm

      Hi Maren,

      Sorry, I’m not familiar with snapchat, but can’t you send a message there? Is it only emojis and stickers?

  17. Avatar


    September 12, 2017 at 1:29 pm

    I had a boyfriend during high n we splinted up after realizing that he was cheating on me, and I dumped him though it was hurting me, after one year he came back to me n still he dumped me for no reason, I still love him, what should I do.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 14, 2017 at 8:50 pm

      Hi Suzan,

      Why did he break up with you?

  18. Avatar


    September 8, 2017 at 4:58 am

    My ex broke up with me almost a month ago. We went about 18 days with no contact whatsoever. I’ve reached out to him via text, and am trying to keep the conversations neutral as possible (it’s still pretty hard for me to talk to him without getting emotional, so texting is the best way I can communicate right now, so he couldn’t hear me over the phone, etc.), and the texting is at the point where I’m not overbearing (we’ve had small exchanges every couple of days). I’ve initiated them all, however. Now I’m wondering if I should go back to a no-contact period. He’s never been the one to initiate much conversation with anyone, including those outside of me. Help?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2017 at 10:00 pm

      Hi Liz,

      how much did you improve and how active were you in posting during and now after nc?

  19. Avatar


    August 26, 2017 at 10:15 am


    I’ve been with my ex for 4 years. My first love and vice versa, and we intently spoke about marriage. We broke up a year and a half ago because I was too stubborn to listen to him. He told me I needed to open up more, to communicate better but being an introvert this was extremely difficult for me…so he left. I’ve been trying really hard since and got better at it.

    I’ve messaged him very often for a year but he didn’t reply, and when he did I would lash out at him. Haven’t contacted him in 6 months.

    So here’s the thing. He has moved on. I thought it was a rebound since they got together 3 weeks after we broke up and she is complete opposite to me, but they are still together.

    What should I do? Do I still have a chance? Or should I just be happy for him and forget about him? Which is difficult since my feelings for him is stronger than ever.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 26, 2017 at 1:01 pm

      HI Nicola,

      how much did you improve yourself and how active were you in posting? Check this one:
      How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else

  20. Avatar


    August 26, 2017 at 5:28 am

    Hey I’ve been in a relationship for 5 years n things went down hill it’s been 2 weeks since I’ve had contact with I really miss him n wants him back what should I do should I continue the NC rule for 2 more weeks n what should I text him after that

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 26, 2017 at 12:57 pm

      HI Jasmine,

      how active are you in improving yourself and in posting? Check this one too:
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

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