By Chris Seiter

Updated on March 13th, 2021

This is my complete guide to using text messages for getting your ex boyfriend back.

In this all new guide you’ll learn:

So, if you want to engage your ex in any type of text message exchanges then you’ll love todays guide.

Let’s get started.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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How Texting Fits Into Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back

I want you to take a moment and look at the graphic below,

This is the basic overall strategy when it comes to reaching out to an ex boyfriend that I teach to women who come to Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

(Obviously things can get more advanced as you go.)

Now, if this is your first time being exposed to the strategy I would be shocked if you weren’t confused.

I like to tell newbies that our strategy is a little like a puzzle.

You can’t just pick and choose the pieces that you think will fit correctly. Things have to be done in a certain order.

Of course, when you put the puzzle pieces in the right order you give yourself the best chance to succeed.

Now, I started this article off by telling you that if you don’t use text messages in the right way you can essentially ruin your chances of success.

Well, here is the right way to use them,

Still confused?

Ok, I don’t want you to send any type of text message until AFTER the no contact rule has been completed.

I can hear the chorus of people screaming,

“CHRIS! Hold your horses… What is the no contact rule?”

Great question!

I’ve written a lot about the no contact rule in the past and have even filmed a ton of videos on it.

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Simply put,

The no contact rule refers to a period of time where you cut off all conceivable communication with an ex after a breakup. The intent of this tactic should NOT be used to make your ex miss you but instead should be used to rebuild your own life so that you outgrow your ex. By doing this, the no contact rule can have the added benefit of making an ex miss you.

Usually the no contact rule lasts anywhere between 21 – 45 days but it ultimately depends.

Here’s the thing you need to know for texting your ex.

Don’t contact your ex until after it has been completed.

Do Not Begin Texting Your Ex Until You Complete A No Contact Rule

I am going to level with you…

The no contact rule is a very complex idea. Sure, it may sound simple to the average reader but you will find there are so many layers of things that have to be done in order to be successful with it that it merits it’s own article.

Luckily, I have created that article for you.

My recommendation is to read that article first before you even think about continuing.


Because I am going to give you the bare minimum definition on how the no contact rule works.

And if you are very serious about getting your ex boyfriend back (which I know you are) then you are going to want the intricate and layered definition.

So, what is the no contact rule?

Well, I’ve already told you above but I’ll go over it again for the sake of simplicity.

This is going to sound really weird but for the next 21 – 45 days I don’t want you to talk to your ex boyfriend.

Like… at all.


Yup, I know it sounds ridiculous but trust me, doing this will stack the odds in your favor in a very unique way.

Did you know that according to statistics cited in Your Tango 65% of men have admitted to thinking about their ex girlfriends too much?

Now, since I am a guy I can definitely say that this is a very true statement.

And the no contact rule is essentially going to raise your chances of making your ex boyfriend think about you too much.

So, for the next 21 – 45 days days you are not going to talk, text, email or write to your ex.

Oh, and in case you are wondering it is not going to be easy.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Since you are on my site I am assuming that you are interested in somehow trying to get your boyfriend back or at the very least understand how that process works.

No matter how hard it is or how much you want to talk to him DO NOT DO IT, even if he responds you have to ignore it.

(UPDATE: I will say that there are certain situations where you must alter the no contact rule. In order to get a list of those situations click here)

You may be sitting there and wondering something like,

Ok, I get this whole idea of the no contact rule but why does it even work? Is there any evidence to back up the fact that it works?

Truthfully the psychology behind why it works is fascinating. Of course, in order for me to properly explain it to you I must first let you in on how a man can view a breakup.

As a guy, I will admit we have a warped way of looking at things. For example, after a breakup a guy will think something like…

“Just wait, she will text me begging to come back.”

Now, that is wrong on so many levels but you are going to use this type of thinking to your advantage.

By completely taking 21 – 45 days for yourself without texting him or talking to him at all you are slowly taking control of the situation.

Instead of thinking

“Just wait, she will text me begging to come back.”

He is going to be thinking..

“Why hasn’t she texted me yet? Has she moved on already?”

Do you see the power of the no contact rule now?

It is basically the ultimate way to get him checking his phone every five minutes to see if today is the day that YOU will text HIM.

But why?

Why does he have that reaction.

Well, the no contact rule utilizes a psychological principle called reactance.

Reactance: Human beings have freedoms. When those freedoms are threatened they are likely to react in a way to get that freedom back.

Let’s look at what’s happening here with the no contact rule.

By using the no contact rule on your ex boyfriend you are depriving him of HIS freedom to talk to you.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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According to reactance he will react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

In other words, you may notice that he starts doing things in an effort to get your attention.

Ok, now that you have a general idea of what the no contact rule is I think we should move on and focus a bit on texting.

We already know that you aren’t supposed to use any type of texting strategies on your ex boyfriend until AFTER the no contact rule.

But even before you send your ex boyfriend a text I want to educate you on why they aren’t texting you.

Will My Ex Ever Text Me Again?

Have you ever heard of a concept called “The Peak End Rule?”

It’s definitely something you should study if you’re interested in the psychology of an ex during the texting phase.

It’s something that can help you understand why your ex isn’t texting you or rather helping you pinpoint when you can expect them to text you again.

Here’s the official definition.

“The peak–end rule is a psychological heuristic in which people judge an experience largely based on how they felt at its peak (i.e., its most intense point) and at its end, rather than based on the total sum or average of every moment of the experience. (Source)”

This concept is especially relevant to breakups because usually our clients are coming to us immediately after the end of an experience and what an intense end a breakup is.

So, there’s two points I’d like to make about the peak end rule. The first one is obvious if you put your detective hat on and think for a bit and the second one is a little less obvious.

If we view our breakups through the lens of the peak end rule then it stands to reason that one of the primary reasons that our exes have no interest in texting us is because all they think of when they think back on the experiences shared together is the end.

And the end was horrible.

In other words, because the end happened so recently it’s hard for them to emphasize the “peaks” of the relationship.

With time this will happen though.

This is one of the primary benefits of the no contact rule.

So, what’s that second less obvious thing that I wanted to talk about?

Don’t assume that your peak experiences are always positive. This was a mistake I made quite a bit when I would talk about the peak end rule to my clients.

Remember, “the peak” refers to the intense moments of your time together. Sometimes those intense moments are the horrible fights you had.

This further lends credence to why most of our clients don’t see success until they are the ones to reach out to their exes.

Pretty crazy concept, right?

That’s not to say that it’s impossible for an ex to reach out to you.

In fact, our research has suggested that there are actually 9 reasons for why an ex will reach out to you.

  1. Your ex is feeling guilt about what went down
  2. Loneliness may be pulling your ex down so they look to you to pull them up
  3. Your ex is bored
  4. Your ex may be fighting off their anger and resentment
  5. They want sex
  6. They miss you as a friend
  7. They want to see if you have given up and moved on
  8. It might be about the relationship
  9. They might actually want you back

Now I’ve talked a lot in this section and haven’t arrived at much of a point until this moment.

If you want to be successful with the way we do things (and it’s pretty successful) then you need to let go of this concept of waiting around for an ex to text you first.

What matters when it’s all said and done isn’t who starts the conversation but who ends it.

More on that later.

The Biggest Mistakes You Can Make Texting Your Ex After A Breakup

Let’s switch gears here and talk about some of the biggest mistakes that my team and I see around texting.

Now, this section isn’t meant to be a “fix everything as soon as possible” section. We’ve created different resources for those things.

Instead, this is meant to show you the major pitfalls you need to avoid and there are a lot unfortunately.

  • You become a GNAT
  • Trying to immediately get a commitment out of your ex
  • Sending a clean slate message
  • Getting too emotional too soon

Let’s start from the top.

Mistake #1: You Become A GNAT

Since you are all beautiful women 😉 I am sure you have had your fair share of suitors throughout your life.

Now, out of those suitors, throughout your years in the dating realm there has had to have been at least one guy that didn’t pick up the hints that you weren’t interested in him.

He texted you, you ignored

He texted you again, you ignored again

And so on and so forth.

It usually looks a little something like this:

Essentially, the person who sent the message above turned into a text terrorist.

The text receiver was clearly ignoring the sender but they refused to accept that fact so they kept texting until they they could get a response.

Most women fail at texting their exes for the simple fact that they commit this texting sin and quite honestly it’s not even their fault.

Right after a break up everyone involved is out of whack emotionally and are prone to do some really stupid things.

I have heard plenty of stories where women, in the heat of the moment, texted their exes multiple times, even after getting no response.

Now, after almost half a decade of researching and helping the visitors to this site I have come up with a pretty clever acronym to describe someone who goes a little crazy when it comes to texting their ex.

I like to call it GNATTING.

G- Going

N- Nuts

A- At

T- Texting

The best way to think of this is to imagine that you are walking down the street when, all of a sudden, you have the misfortune of walking into a swarm of gnats.

Of course, if you have ever had this experience you would know that they follow you wherever you go.

You walk to the left, they follow you to the left.

You walk to the right, they follow you to the right.

You try to swat them away, they buzz harder.

It seems like no matter what you do they just won’t leave you alone.

Well, if were to apply this same principle to your ex you would be the gnat that is constantly following your ex boyfriend around.

Of course, I still haven’t explained why this is such a mistake.

Why Gnatting Is A Big Mistake

Have you ever seen that popular show, How I Met Your Mother?

Well, if you haven’t I certainly have 😉


(If you watch the show you would get the reference.)

Anyways, there is this really hilarious scene where Barney Stinson (a character) attempts to describe what’s called,

The Hot/Crazy Scale

It’s basically this scale that describes how “hot” a woman has to be to put up with her crazy antics.

I can’t do it justice in a simple explanation though so I am going to recommend that you take a simple minute out of your day and watch this,

Do you see where I am going with this?


Ok, I want you to imagine the Hot/Crazy Scale without the Hot aspect embedded within. In other words, it doesn’t matter how “hot” you are. If you are crazy then you are simply going to be looked at as crazy and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.

That’s kind of what happens when you engage in gnatting.

You are labeled as crazy and the more and more you engage in this type of behavior the farther away you are going to get from your ultimate goal of getting him back.

Don’t become a gnat.

Just don’t do it…

Mistake #2: Trying to immediately get a commitment out of your ex

Another super common mistake we see during the texting phase is jumping the value ladder too soon and trying to get a commitment.

You use our methods to strike up a conversation with your ex and things seem to be going well and then you get a bit over excited and try to convince your ex to be yours again when they aren’t ready for that yet.


But why?

Simply put, it sets you back massively. We know from our research about avoidant exes that the most likely point of time in which they are likely to miss you is when they think you’ve moved on.

By pushing for a commitment before they’ve invested anything you tip your hand and it causes them to do what?

Yep, you guessed it.

Avoid or reject.

Mistake #3: Sending a clean slate message

I had trouble classifying this one as being part of the texting phase because technically it doesn’t occur as you try to rebuild rapport with your ex.

Instead, it occurs before you enter into your no contact rule but technically it’s a text so I decided to include it here.

The clean slate text message is a message you craft that is designed to wipe the slate clean before you enter into a no contact rule. You essentially apologize for all wrongdoing on your side of the relationship and then you warn your ex that you’re going to be doing a no contact rule.

I hate it.

With a fiery passion.


Because it doesn’t work and before you jump on the clean slate bandwagon we have tested it and it doesn’t work.

Don’t get me wrong I actually think it’s incredibly mature. However, you lose your tactical advantage with the no contact rule being essentially outed.

Thus I consider it to be a big mistake.

I’ve written an entire article on why it’s such a big mistake here.

Mistake #4: Getting too emotional too soon

The real point to the texting phase throughout our value ladder concept is that it’s trying to help you rebuild your foundation with your ex.

But the value ladder isn’t the only concept we teach.

We also have a concept called the value chain.

We’ve combined them together in this graphic.

The value ladder is about the progression of getting your ex back from a method of communication perspective.

The value chain is about the types of conversations you have.

Notice in that graphic that sharing feelings is pretty far down the value ladder.

This is by design.

It’s tempting to try to fix everything with your ex by pouring your heart out in text but if you do it too soon on a weak foundation it won’t work out for you.

Instead, they’ll feel happy that you still like them but they won’t reciprocate and something tells me that’s not what you want.

The Key To Keeping An Ex Engaged When You Are Texting Them

Without a doubt the number one problem we come across when it comes to keeping a conversation going with an ex boyfriend has to be interest based texting.

About five years ago we began implementing our theory of self interest across Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

It’s a very simple concept.

We noticed that exes tend to be a lot more responsive when you focus on topics they are interested in as opposed to topics they aren’t.

Mind blowing, right?

(That’s sarcasm by the way.)

With the advent of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program and our private Facebook support group we were able to get down in the trenches with our clients and understand the main issues they have when it comes to keeping an ex engaged.

What we found was actually pretty interesting.

There was a sharp decline in responses from exes when the conversations they were engaged in broached a topic that they found as personally uninteresting.

Seeing this we began a test. We told our clients that even if it feels unnatural and robotic try to engage your ex on topics that they have an interest in.

As hypothesized there was an immediate improvement on “engagement metrics” within conversations.

We also noticed that if you are able to do this consistently it creates a kind of “yes momentum” with talking to you.

The Yes Momentum Factor

So what is this concept of “yes momentum.”

Simply put, it’s a sales technique designed to get your potential customer to say yes as many times as possible so that when you actually ask for something big they say yes.

This can either be done really well or really poorly.

Truthfully I’ve been looking for a piece of content to share this story because it happened to me literally a few days ago and it’s hilarious and finally after days of writing content, filming videos and recording podcasts I found a place for it.

Approximately three days ago I had my own encounter with a very poorly, almost hilariously so, done “yes momentum close.”

In my neighborhood it’s supposed to be against the regulations to go door to door selling things yet it continually happens.

Over the past few days my nieghborhood has been hit with what I like to call the “solar roof bandits.”

Essentially it’s these salesmen trying to get you to spend $40,000 for a solar roof.

They peddle it as being worth it in the savings and tax breaks. However, when I looked into it the “tax savings” and “lower solar bills” isn’t worth it in the end.

Without getting too complicated. You’d probably have to take out a $40,000 loan and in order for it to be truly worth it your bill would need to be cut down by 70%.

From speaking with my neighbors who actually have solar roofs I’ve been told that the reality is it only cuts your electricity bill down by 40%.

Needless to say, while I do think solar panels on the roof would be pretty cool I just look at it as more trouble than it’s worth right now.

Yet the salesmen continue to come despite that.

And this leads me to the story that I’ve been dying to tell for days now.

I get a knock on the door and upon opening it see that what awaits me is a solar panel salesman.

He’s just a kid.

His first question for me is,

“Are you really the decision maker of the house?”

Now, currently I’m 31 years old and I do own a house. However, I do look pretty young (if I do say so myself) to own a house.

But the way he said it immediately turned me off. I wanted to say,

“Oh no, let me go get my dad”

And then promptly slam the door in his face and never come back.

That’s not what happened.

Instead I simply said “yes.”

He then continues his planned pitch.

“I just want to say I’m not here to sell you anything but I’ve been talking to your neighbors about some of the salesmen coming around here peddling solar panels.”

I nod. (My first agreement of the yes momentum. He’s actually off to a good start.)

“Well, I represent a solar company and I just want to ask. Do you believe in Global Warming?”

At this point I realize I’m being sold to. I’m also familiar with the yes momentum concept and realize this is what he’s doing. Nevertheless, I play along.

“Sure, I believe in Global Warming”

“Great, may I ask why you haven’t gone to solar paneling on your roof?”

I quickly explain that I consider it to be too much of a hassle. I’m also eager to get back to work now and this kids wasting my time.

“Well, with the amount of cost savings you could get by doing solar paneling you could save thousands per year.”

“Oh ya? Well, I’m not interested.”

And this is where things get really funny because I’ve never heard a salesman try anything like this before.

“Sir, do you believe in money?”




I was dumbfounded. I can clearly see the kid is nervous so I didn’t want to be overly rude but the way in which he said it almost insinuated I was stupid.

My response was simply,

“So you are trying to sell me something. Look I’m not interested and won’t be interested. I wish you luck.”

Then I close the door.

So, what’s the point of me telling you a seemingly pointless story?

Well, I wanted to show you what a poorly done yes momentum looked like.

He comes in and asks,

“Do you believe in global warming” You’re supposed to say yes.

“Do you see how much money solar paneling can save you?” Again, you’re supposed to say yes.

“Do you believe in money?” The only possible answer to this is yes.

But the way in which he does it almost offends me. The truth is that people don’t mind to be sold to if it’s done tastefully or if it’s interesting.

He did neither.

But this is how you need to look at texting your ex. The more you can engage them by talking to them about things they are interested in you create this subconscious yes momentum when it comes to conversations.

The goal with every interaction during the texting phase with your ex should be to leave them with a happy feeling after the conversation.

This creates a subconscious “yes, I enjoyed that conversation.”

And we already know that the more you can do this the more likely they are to want to have another conversation and another and another.

Each one builds this momentum and the beauty is that it’s so subtle and unforced because you’re literally engaging your ex in his interests.

The Correct Way To Utilize Text Messages

Do you remember the graphic I created for you above detailing the entire strategy of getting your ex boyfriend back?

Basically it talked about the most effective way to talk to an ex after a breakup.

It even broke down what to say.


Ok, no worries I will just post it below again for you,

Well, what if I told you that every single one of these “puzzle pieces” had puzzles pieces to go within them?

Still confused?

Ok, let me make it a bit clearer.

With this particular article we are going to be focusing on this part of the strategy,


Take a good look at this graphic.

Essentially the most important components that you need to master when you text your ex boyfriend are,

  • The First Contact Text Message
  • Rapport Building Messages
  • Attraction Building Text Messages

So, from this point on that is what we are going to focus on.

I am going to teach you to master each of these components so you can truly be ready when the time comes to text your ex boyfriend.

In other words, you’re going to learn exactly what you should be saying to your ex via text message. You’ll learn how to properly start a conversation with them.

I’ll even list off the most effective text messages you can send to your ex.

Sound good?

Let’s begin with the first contact text message.

The First Contact Text Message

I have been doing this for a pretty long time and have pretty much learned that the first contact message is an essential part of the overall strategy that I teach.

How essential?

Think of it this way.

Generally you only have three chances to nail this and get a positive response.

If you don’t do it within those three times then your chances of success take a pretty drastic hit.

No pressure though.

Luckily, since I have determined that this is an essential part of the strategy I have spent a lot of time refining my strategy for it and have even recorded entire podcast episodes over it here  and here . And if you’re able to pull what I’m about to show you off then there could be a 90% chance you get a response from your ex.

The first contact text message has three main parts to it,

  1. The Action Phrase
  2. The Theme
  3. The Story

What I’d like to do is take a moment to dive into each one of these and really expand upon them so you have a really good idea of what I am going for here.

The Action Phrase

What do you think I mean when I say,

“Action Phrase?”

Is it like those old Batman cartoons that had the words,



In them?


Actually that’s kind of right.

I want you to take a second and imagine something for me. You are at a crowded bar with a group of your friends. Now, since you are a nice person you offer to go buy drinks for everyone in your group.

After listening very intently to everyone’s drink order you go to the bartender and put in the order.

Of course, there is always that moment of awkward silence upon ordering your drinks where you are just sitting there waiting for the drinks to be made.

So you decide to do the one thing that you always have fun doing, check out some of the guys.

Upon inspecting the latest crop you notice there isn’t anything that’s up to your standards.

That’s when you hear it…

“Mam, your drinks are ready.”

You grab the drinks and begin to walk over to your friends who are bunched up in a very tight knit group.

It’s loud…

The music is blaring…

And as much as you yell you can’t get any of your friends attention.

That’s when a thought enters your head.

“Hmm… I wonder if I….”

You put the drinks down and decide to clap your hands as loud as you possibly can,


In that instant all of your friends have your undivided attention. In fact, the whole bar does.

That’s kind of what we are trying to do here with the action phrase portion of the first contact text message.

We are trying to say something that will snap your ex to attention.

Remember, if you follow the plan I laid out here (link) then you will have just ignored your ex boyfriend for 21 – 45 days.

Simply saying,


Isn’t going to cut it.

You are going to have to do a lot better than that.

You need to say something that will not only capture his attention but peak his interest.

One of my personal favorite action phrases is,


What is your automatic response to this text?

It’s to say, “what,” right?

The action phrase is meant to set up the next part of your text which we will talk about right now.

The Theme

A lot of women come to me every single day and ask a simple question,

“Is there any advantage that I have over the other girls trying to attract my ex girlfriend?”

The answer to that question is yes.

The advantage that you have is knowledge.

Now, it may not be as flashy as something like the honeymoon period but knowledge can be a very powerful thing if it’s wielded in the right way.

You’ve heard of that famous book called,

The Art of War


It’s written by this genius named Sun Tzu who was a Chinese general.

Anyways, in it he says,

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle.”

Which of these categories do you think you fall into?

Well, you know your ex and you know yourself so I think you have a pretty clear advantage over other women.

Of course, it’s how you wield your knowledge that will make all the difference between success and failure.

So, what is the correct way to use knowledge?

You know your ex boyfriend.

You dated him.

You know what he likes and you know what he doesn’t like.

So use this knowledge when it comes to your first contact text message. Make sure that you aren’t talking about something that he will have no interest in.

I’ll give you an example.

A couple of months ago I did something that was unheard of in my industry.

I actually filmed a live coaching session and posted it live to my website for FREE.

The whole coaching session covers how to handle the first contact text message. When I got to the part where Whitney (the woman I was coaching) and I were talking about how to use her knowledge of her ex properly I explained the idea of creating a theme for a text message.

I’ll tell you what I told her.

Use your ex boyfriends “likes” to create a theme for your first contact text message.

Whitney determined that her ex loved golf so her theme should be golf. In other words, throughout her first contact text message she would emphasize golf.

More specifically, she would work golf into a story for her ex boyfriend.

The Story

People connect with stories.

Why do you think movies and TV shows are so popular?

It’s because we love watching/ reading stories.

Ironically I have found them to be eerily effective with first contact text messages.

Let me give you an example.

Whitney, the woman I decided to coach ended up picking golf as her theme and when she worked it into a story it looked like this,


You may have also noticed that she utilized her action phrase before she told her story.

By the way, the screenshot of the text message you see above is from her phone.

This is the real result that she got.

Now, should you use her text word for word and send it to your ex boyfriend?

Absolutely not.

I am just trying to give you the formula.

Which is this,


That’s pretty much the nuts and bolts of what I want you to do for the first contact text message. Let’s move on to the more interesting text messages.

Rapport Building Text Messages

Women are always coming up to me and asking,

“Chris, how do I “re-build” attraction with my ex over text?”

And I used to give some long winded answer about how it’s important to “be interesting” or “influence them.”

Or something like “have vulnerable and open communication” and don’t forget to sprinkle in the flirting.

But what does that even mean?

I think the truth was that I didn’t even know.

And that fact always kind of annoyed me.

So, about a year ago I decided to dissect this thing called “attraction.”

Specifically, how do you spark it.

All I had to do was draw from my own experience and take an introspective look at what’s worked on me.

And the more I thought about it the more I began to realize that attraction doesn’t just come out of nowhere.

Instead, there is a clear path to it.

And that path starts with rapport.

Allow me to elaborate.

Rapport is defined as a close and harmonious relationship in which the people or groups concerned understand each other’s feelings or ideas and communicate well.

In other words, rapport is the thing that is built when you get along with someone.

The way I look at it rapport simply lays the foundation for attraction.

Without it you don’t have any hope to build any type of attraction.

I often tell the story of the time that I went on a date where no rapport was built at all.

Seriously, I tried everything on this date to build rapport with this girl but she wasn’t having it.

I would tell a funny joke, she wouldn’t even crack a smile.

I would tell an engaging story, she would stare at me blankly.

Nothing was working on this girl.

Suffice it to say, I couldn’t create a harmonious relationship with her where she understood my feelings or ideas.

As a result, the date was disastrous.

Here is my point, attraction cannot be built without rapport. It’s an essential part of the process. It creates a foundation that you can build attraction upon.

In fact, one of the biggest mistakes that I see women making on a continual basis is the fact that they try to start building attraction with their exes without first having built rapport.

And who can blame them?

They just ignored their exes via the no contact rule and they want to start seeing the fruits of their labor. Unfortunately, patience and discipline will be required here.

And that patience and discipline will come in the form of building rapport.

But how?

How do you successfully build rapport with your ex boyfriend?

Well, I think a great reference point to look at is how salespeople use rapport.

It’s often said that before you go in for the kill (aka: the sale) you must first build rapport with your prospect. Essentially you are priming the prospect for the sales pitch.

Warming them up to it so to speak.

You can build this type of rapport in three ways,

  1. Making It Personalized
  2. Making It Unique
  3. Making It Appropriate

This template is going to be the reference point for every rapport building message that you send to your ex.

Now, I have thought for a long time on how best to explain the rapport building messages to you and ultimately I decided on giving you a fake scenario and crafting a message around it.

So, here is our scenario.

(Jason and Jane just went through a breakup after Jason refused to take their relationship to the next level (marriage.) Everything seemed perfect between the two of them. So perfect in fact that many of their close personal friends thought they were made for each other. Both of them were workout fanatics. Both of them loved reading and cuddling on the couch.)

So, in this scenario what can Jane do with a rapport building text message?

Well, let’s start by making it unique.

How To Text In A Unique Way

We want her to come at this from a different angle than most of her counterparts would.

Uniqueness in my mind when it comes to text messages can come in many shapes and forms.

Sometimes it’s sending a video message…

Sometimes it’s wording something in a unique way…

Sometimes it’s sending a picture when no one else would…

Of course, I have the benefit of data and experience and I can tell you that I have seen a lot of women have incredible results with video messages.

In fact, I am going to tell you a little story about myself and video text messages.

When I turned 24 something really interesting happened to my overall mindset about dating. Most kids my age were content to date around and have fun. However, that idea never appealed to me too much. I am the type of person who puts his all into his relationships and putting the work in and constantly dating a ton of women can get a little boring.

So, at 24 I decided that I was going to start looking for someone I could fall madly in love with.

This wasn’t about sex…

This wasn’t about having fun…

This was about finding someone who could turn my world upside down.

Even if I got hurt in the process I wanted to have an experience that I could draw upon for inspiration.

And at 24 I didn’t think I had felt that way about anyone in my life yet.

Of course, I am a very analytical human being which doesn’t always mesh with “love” where emotions rule. So, rather than dissecting things I decided to look at it like a giant sales pitch.

When you boil dating down to it’s simplest form that’s essentially all it is.

A contest where you have to show a girl that you are the best candidate for her to date.

And honestly the best way to do that is to go above and beyond.

This certainly applies to text messages.

After much deliberation I decided that I was going to swallow my pride of hiding behind words and put my face out there.

Now ladies, let me ask you a question.

How many men in your lives take the time to send you a personal video of themselves anymore?

Not a lot, huh?

So, that’s what I decided to do to be unique.

Instead of merely texting I was going to send a personal video of myself.

In fact, that’s what I did the very first time I texted my wife.

I remember it as clear as day.

I woke up one morning and thought to myself,

I am just going to send a video of myself eating breakfast. It wasn’t anything special to be honest with you. It was simply a look into my daily routine.

However, I did it in such a unique way (by sending her a text video) that she could connect with it.

Now we are married 😉 .

So, let’s say that Jane adopts this unique way of texting.

She decides that she wants to record a video of herself saying something to build rapport.

What should she say?

Well, that’s where personalization comes into play

How To Craft A Personalized Message

Human beings are wired for connections.

I’ll give you an example.

I was doing an interview with a guy by the name of Matt Marr the other day.

Super nice guy.

Super successful too.

So, we did the interview and afterwards we got to talking about our likes and dislikes. Anyways, I happened to mention that I was a big fan of Buffy The Vampire Slayer and he stops everything he is doing and says this to me,

“Wow, if you lived near me I am pretty sure we would be best friends!”

Now, obviously this made me feel good because I found another Buffy fan but I also noticed he started opening up to me after that.

It’s because I hit on a connection we had that was very personalized for him.

I want you to have that type of a moment with your ex.

But how?

Well, I will be the first to admit that it’s not going to be as easy in your case because your ex boyfriend probably thinks he knows everything about you and part of the power of this connection method that I am talking about is when your ex learns something new about you.

But there has to be something that you can connect with your ex on that he doesn’t know about yet.

Human beings always have hidden depths.

Even if it’s as small as being a fan of watermelon it will work.

The key here is that it has to be something that both of you have in common.

Of course, the more meaningful the connection is to him the better.

So, let’s say that your ex boyfriend is a big fan of comic books. Of course, you are also a big fan of comic books as well except you never talked about that with him.

Can you imagine sending a video message saying something like,

“Just thought I would drop you a line seeing as how I picked up the latest issue of Batman. Totally loving it!”

Not only will you blow his mind because you are a fan of comic books but you are going to hit on that connection and you will find that he is super easy to get to open up.

Making The Message Appropriate

Why do you think I added this section?

Well, I thought it would be appropriate to mention that the message you send to your ex needs to be appropriate.

Don’t compare him to bear poop (which literally happened before.)

In addition, don’t cry on video or complain about how much you miss him.

These desperate behaviors are going to drive him away.

Make sure your message is appropriate for the context that we are dealing with here.

Attraction Building Text Messages

I have thought for a long time on how I wanted to handle this section.

There are so many ways to tackle “attraction text messages.” However, I ultimately settled upon love…

Wait, what?

Well, I happened to stumble across this amazing research where scientists literally tried to find out what makes someone fall in love with another person.

They found the following factors were present,

  • Similarity Is Important
  • Emotional Arousal

So, here is my idea. Every single text message that you send to your ex boyfriend needs to have purpose. What better way to hit on that purpose than to make sure every single text message you send hits on making him fall in love with you.

Let’s look at these love text messages a bit deeper.

Similarity Is Important

What’s that famous quote?

Opposites attract.

Actually when it comes to relationships research suggests the opposite is true.

Have you ever seen that movie High Fidelity?

Well, there is a scene in that movie that perfectly sums up what I am going for here,

It’s what you like, not what you are like.

In other words, one of the pillars of attraction that we are going for here is similarity. The more in common that you have with your ex the better.

Now, some of you may have just hit the panic button upon hearing this.

If you are one of these people please don’t.

I am not saying that you have to be a clone of your ex for him to like you. Instead, I am saying leverage you similarities with a little game I like to call,

Have you ever….

What Is The “Have You Ever” Game?

The way this works is simple.

You are going to play a texting game with your ex.

The gist of this game is to see how much you and your ex have in common. Of course, the best part of this little game is that you aren’t going to tell your ex that you are playing it.

I am going to diagram the purpose of this game out for you,



So, the game starts where you ask your ex boyfriend a simple question through text message,


What you are trying to do here is bring a similarity to light by asking a simple question. Now, in this example we are going to assume that your ex boyfriend is really big into telescopes and stuff like that. Hence, the reason I composed a text about a super moon.

Now, when your ex boyfriend responds to the super moon text I want you to engage him into talking about the super moon for as long as possible.

It should look something like this except it’s a little more drawn out in real life,


After you have fully drew out the similarity I want you to repeat the process over and over again. Except this time I want you to ask him a question in a different way other than,

“Have you ever _____”

Get it?

By playing this little game you are going to be hammering your similarities home to him on a consistent basis.

Let’s move on to our next attraction building text message.

Emotional Arousal

Pay attention to this section because nothing on this page is more important than grasping this concept.

Yes, it’s that important.

What’s the first thing that you think of when someone talks about arousal?

Sex, right?

At least, that’s what I think of.

But when I talk about arousal from this point on I am not talking about sexual arousal or something of that nature.

So, what am I talking about?

The dictionary defines arousal as to stir to action or strong response; excite: .

That’s what I am going for here. I am talking about inspiring your ex when you talk to them to take a certain action (Ideally a positive one.)

Now, here is the funny thing about arousal.

It’s often said that Any type of situation that affects us emotionally increases the chance of falling in love.

Now, I am not sure I agree with that statement but it gives me a starting point to describe an interesting phenomenon.

I wouldn’t say that I am a workout fanatic or anything like that but I do love to work out. In fact, I try to get at least five workouts in every single week. And one of the hard truths that I have had to learn about working out is the fact that if you don’t have music playing in your ears while you workout it can be an extremely painful experience.

Of course, I like the randomness of having the radio on when I work out.

(Some things are better left up to chance and this is one of them.)

Every once in a while a song will come on the radio that inspires me. It really gets me motivated. It gives me this amazing feeling in my chest and for a short period of time I feel like I have some incredible out of body experience where everything is effortless.

I was dead tired but a minute after hearing this song I feel alive for the first time.

If you work out I am sure you have had this experience happen to you at least once in your life.

Ultimately the song was so good that it aroused you.

The ultimate goal when you are texting your ex boyfriend is to make him aroused in this way.

While talking to you, you want him to feel inspired.

You want him to feel genuinely happy.

You want to touch him on a deep level.

But why?

The Good Feelings Theory

I have this theory.

Of course, in order to explain this theory properly I need to get a bit scientific. Specifically, I need to explain what happens when you have a crush on someone.
Let’s pretend that you develop a crush on someone at your work. Every time you see this person you feel excited and “giddy.”

Have you ever taken a moment to stop and ask yourself what causes that feeling?

Well, when you see your crush and become aroused the neurons in your brain start releasing dopamine (also known as the “feel good hormone.”)

Dopamine has been associated with feelings of euphoria.

Now, here is where things get interesting.

This euphoric feeling is triggered by seeing your crush and it makes you feel good. And because your body wants to keep feeling good your brain will constantly fire off more dopamine.

And this is kind of what you are going after here with arousal.

The ultimate goal is to make your ex boyfriend so aroused that every time he sees a text from you dopamine is constantly being fired in his brain.

In other words, you are reinforcing the fact that you make him feel good on a biological level with every text you send.

But how?

How can some simple words in a text message make this happen?

Well, I’ll leave it up to J.K. Rowling to explain that,

“Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic. Capable of both inflicting injury, and remedying it.”

And we are definitely looking for some magic here.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Understanding The Inner Workings Of Arousal

In the example above I asked you to imagine a crush.

After doing that I thoroughly explained the biological workings of feeling aroused.

But have you ever asked yourself what is going on inside of a mans head when he is becoming aroused by a woman?

Well, I would like to tackle that now because understanding this one simple fact is essential for you to be able to construct a perfect arousal text message.

When I found the research on dopamine above I remember thinking that it was extremely interesting. However, I also thought that when dopamine is being fired off in my brain when I have a crush on someone the inner workings are completely different.

It’s often the daydreams that do it for me.

I’ll give you an example.

When I met my wife and we started texting back and forth I got that giddy feeling of euphoria. In fact, that’s how I knew that I was falling for her. Whenever I got a text from someone I automatically wanted it to be from her.

And when it wasn’t I almost felt disdain for the person who was texting me.

But an interesting thing started happening.

I remember having these vivid daydreams where I would imagine a potential future with her.

I would daydream about anything you could imagine.

Her being in trouble and me coming to the rescue,


Going to parties with her,


Heck, even dressing up for Halloween,


It was really these daydreams that pushed me over the edge and made me take the necessary actions to date her.

And here is the scary truth.

If I had just liked her a little and didn’t have those type of daydreams I wouldn’t have ever dated her.

She was the one woman who made me feel euphoric and aroused.

However, upon reading about the dopamine I am wondering if my dopamine was working on overdrive when I was having these vivid daydreams?

I think so.

And I think the daydreams might also be the key to re-attracting your ex boyfriend.

Now, let’s call upon some of that magic.

Arousal Text Messages

Daydreams are key here.

I want you to remember that.

But not all daydreams can be positive.

(Buffy Spoiler Alert)

I’ll never forget the episode of Buffy called “Hell’s Bells” where one of the main characters, Xander, is about to get married to his longtime girlfriend Anya.

Of course, a demon comes to town and gives him these vivid daydreams of what their life could be like.

And the daydreams he has are horrifying.

His whole life flashes before his eyes and he calls the wedding off.

Now, the only reason I say that is because we are dealing with your ex boyfriend. Someone who may not be too happy with you right now.

So, it’s important that if you are going to lead your ex to have a daydream about you that it be positive.

Now, the key to a good positive daydream is that it has to be emotionally affecting.

Now, there is one way that you can do this really extremely well.

Re enforce The Height Of Your Relationship

Let’s tackle reinforcing the height of your relationship first.

The Height Of Your Relationship

Have you ever heard of this idea of misattribution of emotions?

The basis of the theory is that sometimes you can have an emotional experience that is so powerful that it affects you an a deep level. However, you don’t know where that feeling comes from. So, you kind of stick that experience to the most practical thing you can think of.

Dan Ariely, an MIT behavioral economist, did a really fascinating study where he surveyed an audience who was watching a band.

He asked the audience a pretty simple question,

How attractive do you think the band members are.

He asked the audience this question before the band started playing.

After all the answers were in he told the band to start playing their songs. When the band ultimately finished playing he then posited the same question to the audience, how attractive do you think each of the band members are?

An overwhelming majority of the audience gave the band members a huge boost in attractiveness.

So, what happened here?

Well, the band played songs that made people emotional.

It aroused them and ultimately they determined that the band was responsible for how they were feeling which meant that they were more attractive.

Now, why do you think I told you that story?

Well, the key thing you need to keep in mind here is that when you are trying to reenforce the height of your relationship you are trying to tap into this misattribution of emotions.

By bringing up an experience that affects your ex on an emotional level you are banking on the fact that he is going to associate you with those positive emotions.

Now, how can you do this with a text?

Well, I am going to ask you a series of questions and depending on how you answer these questions is going to tell me the angle you should take when typing up a text message.

  1. What was the exact moment in your relationship with your ex that you felt like it couldn’t get any better?
  2. If you could use a specific image to describe that moment what would it be?
  3. Describe how the most powerful feelings made you feel during the peak of your relationship.


The more I write this up the more I feel like I should do this exercise with you.

Ok, so here’s the deal.

I will use my relationship with my wife as an example to show you how to really reenforce the peak.

I’ll take it question by question.

What was the exact moment in your relationship that you felt like it couldn’t get any better?

The moment that I was staring into her eyes during our wedding.

If you could use a specific image to describe that moment what would it be?

Luckily, our wedding had professional photographers so I have the exact moment captured on film. Here’s a picture of the exact moment I am talking about above,


Now, I do want to interject for a moment here.

Please do not think you have to have your exact “peak moment” captured with your ex. Imagery is the most important thing I am going for here.

If you think back to your peak moment and this is the image that is conjured in your mind,


Then that is completely fine.

Having a picture is important. Take your time on this.

Describe how the most powerful feelings made you feel during the peak of your relationship.

Honestly, I felt like I had an endless amount of butterflies in my stomach. I became very in tune with my body and the emotions I was feeling.

I remember shaking with excitement as I held her hands.

I remember being touched when tears started forming in her eyes.

I felt like I had final reached the epitome of love.

So, now that I have answered these questions to the best of my knowledge lets put it all together and create a killer text.

You are going to start with one simple statement,


Why do you think you are going to say this?

Well, it’s to establish trust right off the bat.

You want him to think,

“Wow, she trusts me enough to tell me something she has never told anyone before.”

It also serves as the perfect bait to get him engaged in the conversation.

Out of all the text messages you will send to your ex this is the one text that you want him engaged.

Next you are going to send this,


This is the wind up/set up.

You are framing the text with this message and you are also introducing him to the picture that you associate with the peak of your relationship.

The next part is essential though,


This is where you describe the peak and how it made you feel.

You are counting on the fact that with the imagery and the intense description of how you felt you are going to bring him back to that moment as well.

Now, I do want to say one thing before I move on to the next text type.

Sending this message is a risk.

There is no doubt about it.

Make sure you have built up a lot of rapport and sent out a lot of feelers to ensure that the likelihood of him responding negatively to this text is low.

How Do I Get My Ex To Reach Out To Me First?

The big elephant in the room that I’ve yet to address is how to get your ex to initiate contact with you.

This is especially true for those of you who are in situations where your ex responds but never seems to want to initiate.

How do you break this cycle?

After all now that you know “the how” and “the what” of text messages let’s move on to more advanced ideas.

Have you ever heard of a concept called “The Zeigarnik Effect?”

The Zeigarnik Effect: People remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.

The concept was coined by a Soviet psychology named Bluma Zeigarnik.

Hence the name of the concept being named after her.

Understanding and weaponizing the zeigarnik effect is your best offense for making an ex reach out to you first more often.

Yet, the zeigarnik effect is often a complicated one for our clients to grasp.

The best analogy I often give to people when describing this is to imagine you get a knock on your door right now.

You get up from reading this on your phone to check and see who it is.

It’s me!


I suddenly barge into your home and ask you a million different questions about your place.

You go to close the door but I pull you away and continue my annoying questions.

Yet you’re having trouble focusing.

All you can think to yourself is,

“My god… I need to close that door.”

You begin to worry that someone may see in to your house or apartment.

Maybe a bug or a rat will come in to your safe space.

That door is all you can focus on.

Well, this is the zeigarnik effect at work. What you will be aiming to do is employ a similar effect on your ex when you have conversations with them via text.


Well, there are really two ways.

  1. You end the conversations first
  2. You end the conversations near the high point

The Importance Of Ending The Conversation First

Initially this may seem like a simple concept.

You’ll think,

“Ok cool, I just need to be the one to end the conversation first. Got it.”

But it’s a little more complicated than that.

None of this matters unless you are having pleasing conversations and for those of you who have ever had a pleasing conversation you’d know that you rarely want it to end.

Ending The Conversations Near A High Point

Here’s the general rule of thumb I’d abide by if I was you.

The moment you don’t want the conversation with your ex to end is around the moment that you should end the conversation.

Again, in theory this is an easy thing to do but we’ve found that the vast majority of our clients can’t accomplish it.

And then there’s also the unrealistic expectations of employing this tactic.

Most people believe that when they start ending conversations first and ending them near the high point (if they truly do) that their ex will be the one to reach out to them first no matter what.

I’ve actually never looked at it that way and our results back me up.

Think of it like a snowball effect.

Each time you create an open loop via the zeigarnik effect you create momentum.

And once this happens enough time THAT’S when they begin reaching out first.

This doesn’t happen overnight contrary to what everyone else thinks.

My Ex Won’t Even Respond To Me When I Try To Text Them

Let’s move on and talk about a nightmare scenario where your ex won’t even respond to you when you try to text them.

This can come in many shapes or forms.

Sometimes they’ll just ignore you
Sometimes they’ll read your texts but won’t reply
Sometimes they’ll even reverse push/pull you (but that’s probably not what’s happening).

Ultimately when you find yourself in a situation like this you end up being terrified that you won’t ever hear from them again.

(You will, but it may be a while.)

What I’d like to dedicate my time on today is diving into the reasons for why your ex isn’t responding to you.

However, before I begin I want to say that if you think your ex is ghosting you or has you blocked  I’ve put together a complete guide dealing with that situation so that’s probably the best place for you to start.

Generally speaking there are three main reasons for why an ex isn’t responding to you when you reach out to them.

  1. The timing isn’t right
  2. The text isn’t right
  3. You’re not in the right state of mind.

Allow me to elaborate.

The Timing Isn’t Right

Timing is an underrated aspect of this entire process. A lot of people who end up on this website for the first time sit back and think to themselves,

“All I need to do is follow these instructions and my ex will come back, cool!”

I wish that were the case.

Reality is far more messy and the sad fact is that sometimes you can do everything right and still everything can go wrong.


Well, for that we can blame timing.

But timing can have many different connotations.

Let’s use texting as our prime example.

What if you decide to text your ex during the middle of a workday? Do you think you’ll get an immediate response?

Probably not.

What if you text your ex when they aren’t ready to talk to you?

While this is a terrifying concept to consider we have seen it occur time and time again.

In one of my recent videos I dove into the psychology of an avoidant ex,

When studying avoidants we learned a lot of interesting things but none more so interesting than the fact that avoidant exes probably won’t begin to miss you until they feel you’ve moved on.

That’s when they feel comfortable doing that.

However, if you text your ex before they have time to romanticize the relationship that time never occurs. Instead they look at you as an insecure anxious person.

Timing is completely to blame here.

The Text Isn’t Right

One rule matters more than anything when it comes to texting and I’ve already alluded to it in a previous section.

What matters isn’t what you’re like. What truly matters is what you like.

If you text your ex things they are actually interested in they are a lot more likely to engage with you as opposed to when you text them about things they aren’t interested in.

Wild concept, right?

But like everything there is a masterful way in which you can text them about their interests and a novice way.

I used to do a lot of Facebook live Q&A’s in our private Facebook support group every week.

I’m sad to say that it’s hard for me to be as consistent as I used to be but nevertheless I try.

I bring this up because when I take questions at random on a first come first serve basis the,

“Why isn’t my ex texting me back?”

Question comes up quite a bit.

My response is almost the same.

“Can I see your text?”

And 9 times out of 10 when I do see the text the problem is with the text itself.

They take my advice about texting their ex about an interest based topic but they do it in a really poor way.

Simply saying,

Isn’t going to be as engaging as saying,

One text is a simple question about his interest.

The other text is a puzzle.

Andrew Stanton is a famous Pixar Writer and probably the person you want to keep an eye on for masterfully delivering information.

After all, when your entire job is capture an audiences attention so they will sit through a two hour movie you need to know your stuff.

In this video he talks about the 1 + 1 concept.

His case is that people love solving puzzles. So, if you’re writing a story one of the worst things you can do is solve a puzzle for an audience too early before they’ve had a chance to solve it for themselves.

Pixar realized that people liked the challenge of figuring out what’s going on in a movie and when the answer was eventually revealed those that did end up figuring out what was going on loved to say, “I told you so.”

Here’s my point.

The reason that,

“I heard the craziest thing about you when watching the Cowboys game.”

Is better than the simple question of,

“Hey did you see the Cowboys Game last night?”

Is because it subscribes to the 1 + 1 rule.

It gives two pieces of information that your ex will have to solve and that’s fun.

Piece of information #1: You heard something about him last night

Piece of information #2: You heard it while watching a cowboys game.

Do you see how much more effective that type of a text is as opposed to simply saying,

“Hey I watched the cowboys last night did you?”

Let’s move on.

You’re Not In The Right State Of Mind

Most people who end up texting their ex have no business doing so because they aren’t in the right state of mind.

Take the no contact rule for example.

One of the big mindset shifts we are trying to have our clients engage in is that you shouldn’t even be talking to your ex until you outgrow them.

What do you think I mean by that?

Outgrowing Your Ex = You don’t care if you fail at getting them back. You’ll try your hardest and it may hurt if you do fail but in the end you’re entire life isn’t riding on getting them back.

We came up with this concept after studying many different success stories.

The one pattern we noticed among all of our success stories is they got to this place emotionally, especially before they began talking to their exes.

Now, it seems not very scientific based to say, your frame of mind matters before you talk to your ex.

But I think you’re missing the point.

Someone who has outgrown their ex begins to exhibit all the signs that ultimately serve to retattract them.

  • They aren’t obsessing over their exes social media
  • They are having authentic fun when it comes to posting things on their own social media
  • They impact their sphere of influence and their exes sphere of influence in positive ways.

I think the most important thing to consider when looking at the correct state of mind is those subtle symptoms that occur when you have one.

Most overlook this but we don’t here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery.

My Ex Seems So Uninterested When We Are Texting

What’s going on with an ex who only responds to you some of the time?

Worse, what’s going on with an ex who seems completely uninterested when they text you?

First things first, lets define what I mean by “Uninterested?”

In all I think the best way to sum this feeling up is that as you text your ex you worry that they simply don’t care about the conversation.

What is going on?

I believe that for them, it’s not personal.

They are comfortable and ultimately there’s no anxiety of losing you.

It’s also an indicator that you probably haven’t listened or gained an understanding of the three factors I mentioned above,

  1. Timing
  2. Text quality
  3. Outgrowing your ex

Rarely are answers to complicated questions like this simple which I suppose makes sense.

Complicated questions often have complicated answers.

This brings us to our next complicated question.

How To Know If Your Ex Is Authentic When They Are Texting You

One of the biggest frustrations for our clients has to do with authenticity.

There’s a hidden question embedded in questions like,

Ultimately it boils down to how authentic your ex is being with you.

Answering this can be complicated as context is important and then there are things to consider like how quickly your ex is responding to you.

Or even how you should be responding if your ex reaches out to you (and if they are interested in you given this situation.)

Here’s what I tell my clients.

There’s an old Jungian concept fostered by Carl Jung, one of my favorite psychoanalytic founding fathers,

“If you can’t figure out what someone is doing or why they are doing it then simply look at the outcome.”

If you ever question the authenticity of anything your ex is saying then simply look at their actions.

If what they say matches their actions then there is a good chance that they are being authentic.

Of course the flaw here is that time and patience is required on your part.

Special Texting Circumstances

And here we are at the end.

11,000 words later we get to the special circumstances section. I thought long and hard about the best way to approach this section so I figured I’d do a sort of roundup.

There exists certain scenarios that are very situational when it comes to texting. Luckily, I’ve spent the past ten years writing specific articles on how to handle them.

So, I figured the best thing for me to do would be to create a “roundup” of all these special circumstances so they are all in one place for you.

I do also want to say that as our site grows I will be updating this section to include more special circumstances. Also, as you read this if you find any more special circumstances that we haven’t covered let us know in the comments and we will see if we can create something on them.

Handling Texting During Birthdays

Your Ex Finally Texts You After You’ve Moved On

Your Ex Moved On To Someone New But Still Texts You

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2,741 thoughts on “How To Use Text Messages To Get Your Ex Back”

  1. Tawny Dahlen

    March 7, 2023 at 6:15 pm

    My ex of 3 years broke up with me. Blocked my phone number and unfriended me on fb. He started seeing someone within a week of our breakup. I am starting the no contact. Will it still work with him seeing someone new already?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      April 9, 2023 at 10:25 am

      Hey Tawny, yes you will still have an impact your NC needs to be 45days and also read up on the being there method – check out this article from Chris:

  2. Zara

    October 18, 2022 at 2:18 am

    My bf broke up with me after 10 years saying he doesn’t feel the same anymore. I have been in no-contact for 3 months, what should I do now?

    1. Coach Shaunna Nicol

      October 23, 2022 at 11:49 am

      You should be reaching out by now

  3. Dennis

    October 10, 2021 at 12:50 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I did 4months of no contact with my ex dismissive avoidant ex. I initiated a text message about a football game which was both of us’ interest area. He instantly reply my text, then asked me how I’m doing. We exchanged some messages about our life’s, without going into details. I then texted something that doesn’t require further text. I don’t know what to do now, shall I wait for some time or come up with another light topic to message him ?

  4. Dani

    September 9, 2021 at 3:03 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me saying he isnt ready for a commitment and said I deserved someone who gives me affection and attention. I also confessed to him about some financial difficulties and some depression issues a week before it. When we broke up he said he wanted to be friends and that he wants to deal with his depression too. He has been sending me money since then to help me. Its only been a week and he has send me two messages two days apart telling me to have a good day. I respond back wishing him the same but the conversation ends there. I’m not sure what I am supposed to do. He said he will still send me money to help me and I want to still message him thanking him when he does.

  5. Grace

    July 4, 2021 at 1:32 pm

    After 45 days NC, I reached out to my ex and I think it went positively. I messaged him about a debate I was having with someone at my work about stocks (my ex is really into finance and economics) and he seemed engaged with it – he was clearly trying to be helpful in his replies and it wasn’t like he was trying to get me to shut up or anything, he sided with me in the debate which felt like it helped us bond, his replies were longer than mine, his reply times weren’t too long AND I got to finish the conversation. Seems good?
    But the thing is, I couldn’t help but feel as though he was a bit distant and cautious. I can’t exactly put my finger on it, but I know Chris has spoken before about psychological barriers, and I definitely feel like my ex has one about messaging me, because he tried to reach out during NC but I ignored, so he’s probably confused as to why I have decided to message him now, and it makes me anxious about messaging him again.
    Also, over the past few days my cat was very ill and nearly died, and he loved my cats so much, but he didn’t reach out. This says to me that he’s still hesitant and still has a psychological barrier up, because I made it clear we’re on amicable speaking terms again by reaching out, but he still felt like he couldn’t reach out about this, and I feel like if he didn’t have a barrier, he would’ve definitely spoken to me about it.
    Basically, the questions I have are: how do I get my ex to open up so it doesn’t feel like he’s so distant when we talk? and how do I overcome that psychological barrier of suspicion so that he feels like he can reach out to me when important things happen? does it sound like I am in a good position with our messaging despite him not reaching out about my cat? and finally, how long would you recommend I leave it between each texting conversation? because I feel as though it’s strange to not have spoken for 45 days and then to suddenly text him really frequently. Thanks

  6. Kitty

    June 3, 2021 at 3:23 am

    Today I reached out to my ex, and sent him a 4 pictures of my dog. And I said my dog misses your dog’s face. And can’t wait to see Maximus and party on the patio (there is a dog bar in my town).

    It’s after 25 days of NC, so I am going to start over. I feel ridiculous for sending him all of that. I haven’t heard anything back. And he was largely silent during no contact. Not sure what to do from here. He is coming home at the end of June from a travel job. And I feel lost.

  7. Lisa

    October 15, 2020 at 9:00 pm

    I like this guy we was texting each other and more realtors nice things like how he wanted me forever but suddenly he blocked me on everything For no reason at all I text him on a different account to try and find out he replied saying he blocked everyone on his phone because he needs space he is over the pace what are the chances of us talking again I feel I didn’t do anything wrong to him

  8. Amalia

    October 11, 2020 at 9:15 am

    It happened that today is the end of the NC, I tried letting him go by thinking thinking that I will get over it, it did not happen. We broke up because he thought I “deserve better” and that he “Is not ready for a relationship” and he “lost interest”. He told me that he wants to be friends at the beginning, fact I did not accept. He tried multiple times to ask about me from my friends on how I am, and always got the same answer “she is very good”. He tried to text me, and i replied only with a yes.
    I don’t know now if I should or should not text him, as I am 100% sure he won’t do it, but another part is telling me that “he wants to just be friends”
    What should I do about this, as I hope to get back but I hope im not gonna get hurt

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2020 at 8:44 pm

      Hi Amalia, so you said you were replying to him with “yes” you need to not reply at all no matter what he sends you for a solid 30 days and work on yourself in that time, if you want to get him back using this program then you need to send the first reach out text, but make sure that you are using the texts that Chris suggests in his articles to get your ex interested in conversation with you.

  9. Jen

    August 23, 2020 at 11:34 pm

    My ex had a huge bout of anxiety and a lot of crap in his personal life so we broke up about 2 months ago. I gave him space, and made contact last week. He’ll ask me questions and answer but he doesn’t initiate. I’m not sure how often to text or how to suggest I give him his stuff back so we can see each other?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 10:04 pm

      Hi Jen, if you want him back I wouldn’t suggest giving stuff back yet. Have a number of conversations where you end at the peak of conversation to get him interested and investing into talking to you and build up your connection

  10. Astasia Girard

    February 13, 2020 at 5:44 am

    Hey Chris! I know I messaged you already but my no contact is over next Thursday at 48 days and I have no idea what to say. I’ve watched all your podcasts pretty much. I wanted to buy your product but I’m in school and working and I have my own apartment and I don’t have any extra income. I just need a little help creating my message. Our breakup was sudden and we went fast and heavy in the love dept for 6 months and then one day we had an amazing date and the next he told me he never loved me and broke up with me. So I’m not rly sure how to make the next step. He does still have my insurance cards and I thought creating a message about those. I’m so nervous and I have no idea where to go from here and I’ve been wracking my brain.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 5:21 pm

      Hey Astasia, so your first reach out does not need to be a big topic, it can be something he is interested in and somethign that you know he is going to be interested in talking to you about, but it needs to be a short conversation, positive, no emotions. And you need to be the one to end the conversation. simply 3/4 texts maximum

  11. Viv

    December 28, 2019 at 5:44 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I have done NC and sent a text just like you advised. That was a couple of weeks ago and my ex and I have been texting back and forth.

    I feel like I’ve done a lot of the right things by utilising what you say to build attraction etc but the last text my ex sent was on Xmas day. I sent one back saying happy Xmas too and since then I’ve had nothing…

    I don’t want to turn into a text gnat! So I’m waiting for him to make the next move.

    Is that the right thing to do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 29, 2019 at 11:34 pm

      Hey yes wait for him to reach out and if you do not hear anything by the 4th/5th of Jan you can reach out and talk to him about somethign he would find interesting or did something exciting that he wouldnt expect you to do

  12. Looking for lasting love

    December 10, 2019 at 6:20 pm

    Hello Chris. I successfully completed 30 days of NC (no response from him throughout the 30 days although he posted some philosophical stories on fb about letting go and having bad days and stuff like that) and excitedly reached out to him on the 33rd day. I din’t semd any boring or intimidating texts. I just sent something about happening to chance upon something that made me think of him. But…. Wait for it…. NO RESPONSE to my forat contact text. I am clueless about what to do next. Should i leave it at that? Someone as stubborn to nor reply even after i made the first move should have been made of sterner stuff. Or maybe he really doesn’t want me? Or should i reach out again after a week ? Wont that make me look desperate ? Do i have any chance at all. By the way ours was a one month old relationship after being friends for 2 months. And it was a (sortable… Atleast for me) disagreement that made him want to break the relationship.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 12:15 am

      Hey, so as long as your message friendly and only asking for advice or telling your ex something interesting then you should reach out in approximately 7 days with a message that should get him curious to what your message is going to say. Read some articles about texting, or watch some videos about texting on Chris YouTube channel

  13. Jen

    November 12, 2019 at 3:08 am

    I successfully ended no contact in a slightly unorthodox way but my ex agreed to be friends (really emphasized the friend part). We’ve been texting a week now, sometimes I’ll get 2-3 texts in a day and then sometimes 1 every 2-3 days. How can I bump up the frequency? We don’t have each other on social media. And my last text that was tailor-made to draw him in fell flat, he didn’t take the bait.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 12, 2019 at 8:00 pm

      You need to make sure the texts are always about his interests, or something interesting to talk about. Having a general day to day conversation is not going to get him talking to you more at the moment but what you’ve mentioned above is really good going for the first two weeks of texting

  14. Ay

    February 28, 2019 at 12:33 pm

    Hi, I and this guy have liked each other for 5 years but we never really dated. It was like a situation where we were both aware of each other’s feelings but we weren’t ready to date but we flirted and didn’t see other people. However, I kinda cheated on him by sexting another guy. Now he just wants to be friends because this is like the second time I’m cheating on him. I’ve apologized severally but he won’t have it this time. He says he’s done. I really do love him and I don’t want to be friends. But he says he doesn’t love me anymore. Help me

  15. Bella

    December 13, 2018 at 3:33 pm

    I had my suspicions that my ex was talking to someone else. I called him out on it and he vanished. No reply, just blocked me. Blocked from messenger but not a full block, we still can see each other’s Facebook. We were very close, talked all day, everyday. It’s been two weeks of NC. Part of me thinks I was right, and he was busted, part of me thinks he’s just mad at me that I would think something like that because things were going so good, maybe I overreacted? I don’t know, he won’t talk to me. The silence is killing me and I just want to work it out. I guess all I can do is wait and see if he comes back around??

    1. Chris Seiter

      December 14, 2018 at 12:47 am

      Hi Bella…what is wrong with that guy for blocking in ghost like fashion. Geez, some guys just don’t seem to understand how rude that is. Best to complete your NC….see it through the end, but be sure you are exercising this principle to the fullest.

  16. Nahla

    August 31, 2018 at 1:14 pm

    Hey I’ve been with my ex for 4 months on July 7th and on July 16th he broke up with me and I don’t fully understand why he said the relationship was toxic but I felt otherwise because he broke up with me July 5th we got back together July 7th on our 4 months being together. I thought it was officially over on the 7th until he came back and said we was going to work things out and take it slow. So everything is going smooth and then it’s Monday July 16th,2018 he called me and he wants to come over. So he asked can I make him some pancakes before he got here. So I got up to ,ale the pancakes but long story short the time he got here the pancakes wasn’t made so we argued a little bit he went to the store he took a while but he came back I was in a good mood that day. He was being very distant towards me he started to bring up the pancakes and me not giving him a kiss but I had lipstick on and I know he doesn’t likes that. So long story short he started an argument and then left and I do admit I kept texting him after the break up I was so hurt and confused.. I would let time and days past before I wrote him again. I understand we had some drama in our relationship with others getting involved with it but I feel if we give things a second chance and keep people out of relationship this time and just focus on us we’ll have a better outcome. His birthday is coming up September 20th it makes me sad I had so much planned for his birthday. I wanted to make him feel so special on his birthday. A few family members reached out to him and he’s so cold now I wonder if he’s hiding behind emotions or just doesn’t love me anymore. He’s a Virgo so he’s a pretty complicated person. I love him so much he’s my best friend within the time we spent together we was together everyday almost and I have strong feelings for him and I don’t want to be with nobody else but him. Even if we don’t get back together I would like to at least get some understanding of what happened but the goal is for us to get back together. So is there any hope for us to give our relationship a second try.

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 31, 2018 at 2:22 pm

      Hi Nahla!

      I agree….that is a goal to shoot for getting back together so its important to have an ex recovery plan. Just time needs to be taken for things to cool down…no contact can help accomplish that. There are a lot of moving pieces to doing right, so feel free to visit my home page to tap into some of my resources.

  17. H.N

    August 3, 2018 at 4:02 pm

    hello , thank you very much for that interesting topic

    could u please advise me
    i know a person for 5 months i know its a short time we are also LDR but we have been talking daily and almost 24 hour . he likes to talk all the time

    we stopped talking once for 3 weeks . then he received a gift from me so he talked to me back

    second time we fight and i stopped talking to him and blocked him 2 months . i unblock him, so he received a message i sent before blocking him and he answered the message .that happened few days ago

    i feel he wanted to talk but he is so stubborn and thats really make me sad.
    i mean if i dont make any sign . he will not talk ! and he also letting me so easily
    ( thats why i feel anger and fight with him always i want to change that )

    we start talking and he was so cold .. careless telling me to find my way
    then we start to talk normally now . but he keep telling me he let it go in that day i left
    and he is not ready for me . he wasn’t even ready for me .and lots of stuff like that
    at first i was trying to tell him we was good but he did not try
    then i told him i dont want to talk about the past lets be friends ( is that good ? or i might make it worse by saying that ) ?can u give me ur advise and what should i respond here?

    and also could you advise me should i talk normally and answer him like before ?
    i have read what u said that i should not send him daily ” but i have a different satiation here.
    1. he is the one who sending me daily now so what should i do ? pretend that i’m not seeing the messages for day or two ? or just few hours ? or what ?
    2. the other thing that our relation is still new and it need a strong base ” i’m afraid if i did not build a more nice memories he might find someone to give him the attention ” because he need to talk daily that what he said when we talk first time ever

    1. Chris Seiter

      August 4, 2018 at 2:49 am

      Hi again H.N…..I found you! I was looking for your other comment!

      My first suggestion is that you would be best served if you had an ex recovery plan. Go to my home page to learn more about the tools, ebooks, podcasts, and resources available to you. Secondly, I want to build upon nice memories and every relationship is different, so if you have a positive trend of communication going, keep it going, but try to find balance in it. I call it Tide Theory in my eBook!

  18. Silvia

    February 7, 2018 at 2:48 am

    Me and my ex had a running joke that im jumpy and get scared easily. Also on our 1 year anniversary he gave me a stuffed elephant. How is this as a first text? “Omg I was looking for something in my closet when the stuffed elephant you gave me fell on me and it scared me so much i thought i was being attacked by an animal” is it good?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 8, 2018 at 12:36 pm

      Hi Silvia,

      Kinda, but is it something that you could have a conversation about?

  19. Donna

    December 27, 2017 at 4:39 am

    Hey Chris,

    So it’s been a couple months since the last time I wrote on here. The good news is that I’m succeeding with becoming the Ungettable Girl and… well my friend Linda (who is also friends with my ex) gave my ex my phone number (he never had it before as we were just long distance friends) last month without telling me and he texted me around midnight “hey. This is *Paul”
    I waited until the next day and I replied “hey. What’s up?” But he never responded. The next day the SoCal fires started and I texted him a short “hope you and your kids are safe” again, I never got a reply and I haven’t texted him since figuring that if I’m patient, he will eventually reply. Did I break any protocols? I figured since I’ve been doing NC for a little over a year, it was safe to respond to him since he initiated the texting. Is he just playing with me? He didn’t have to text me when my friend gave him my phone number, so what is his logic? He is a grown man with teenage kids so it’s not like he is an immature guy, though he is acting like one with me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 1:28 pm

      Hi Donna,

      He probably just texted to say hi and maybe see how you are but he has no other meaning for it.. It’s better to move on from him

  20. Sofia Isabel Bueta

    December 22, 2017 at 6:46 am

    We broke up 2 weeks ago and during the first 2 days of our breakup he became really sweet as if we’re still together and keeps on saying he’s tempted to get back again but says we need some space. He keeps saying he’s tempted but he’s not doing it because he wants to stand firm with his decision. He gets annoyed and says he’s done and he doesn’t want me anymore whenever he feels like I’m pushing him to get back with me. He tells me he misses me but when he feels like I’m pushing him he always says he’s done and we’re not getting back together. After a week I sent him a long ass message telling him how much I love him and miss him and telling him all our fun moments together and he replied in a very sweet and positive way. He said he’s hurt because he misses everything too and i’m his happiness and he’s lonely without me. He said he wanted to talk to me and call me but doesn’t do it because he wants to know his true feelings. He told me that we will try again when the time is right and that everything’s gonna be alright. We talked the whole day but when the night came I sent him a long message again and he just told me “That’s too long” and said “well I’m working on myself and I’m trying to move on” he felt that I was again pushing him to get back with me and said he was just slowly letting go to not shock me and that he’s done and we are never getting back together. It’s been two days since that happened and we never spoke again. I want us to get back together and I’m sure of it. what should I do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 26, 2017 at 1:12 am

      Hi Sofia,

      Are you still talking now? Check this one:
      Will My Ex Forget Me If I Do No Contact

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