I understand your curiosity.

You are struggling after a breakup and wondering if your ex is too.

Now, before you pick up that phone to find out, let’s explore whether that’s a wise choice.

Should you text your ex after a breakup to see how they’re doing?

Well, you may want to first determine whether you really want to get your ex back or not.

Lucky for you, I’ve put together a special quiz that is designed to answer this very question.

It’s called the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz and it’s a free, two-minute quiz that will determine your chances of rekindling a relationship with your ex, so you don’t waste time.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Should You Text Your Ex After The Breakup Just To Check In?

So, back to your question. You went through a breakup. You are heartbroken and devastated. It’s only natural that at some point you are going to wonder how your ex is coping. Should you reach out to your ex via text or a phone call to find out?

Well, the simple answer is no. You absolutely should not do it.

That means, no, don’t do it.

I will continue to repeat that.

No, do not do it!

But, why?

Why shouldn’t you reach out and just be a nice human being?

Well, there are two main reasons you should NOT contact your ex that I’ll discuss in more detail.

Reason #1: Your Ex Wins the Breakup

Quite a few years ago, Jennifer Anniston made a movie called “The Breakup”.

The whole premise of this movie was designed around the concept of winning a breakup.

***SPOILER ALERT***

The basic plot of the movie consisted of a guy and a girl who breakup and both members then attempt to “win” the breakup.

Now, they often say that art imitates reality and I think that’s certainly the case in this movie.

But, how does one win a breakup?

Well, oftentimes you win a breakup by getting the other person to be extremely miserable without you or getting the other person to beg for you to come back.

Now, most of us like to think of an ex in a positive way.

But the truth is that no ex is exempt from the primal desire to win the breakup.

So, if you reach out to an ex to see how they are doing after your breakup, it could easily be misconstrued as misery.

Your ex will automatically think that you must be miserable without them. This will give your ex the advantage, because you are chasing them — thus, giving your ex a major point to win the breakup.

Reason #2: You’ll Likely Say the Wrong Thing

Now the second reason you should not contact your ex to see how they’re doing is you will likely say the wrong thing.

Let’s be honest, your emotions after a breakup are still raw and close to the surface. If you reach out to your ex too soon after your breakup, at some point it’s likely that you will say things like, “I love you” or “I miss you” or, my personal favorite, “why did we break up again?”.

This behavior can come across as “naggy” or what I like to call “GNATY”.

G.N.A.T. stands for “Going Nuts At Texting”.

If you go down this path, you will become as annoying as a gnat to your ex, so avoid this type of interaction at this early breakup stage at all costs.

What Should You Do?

You are likely wondering, now that we’ve reviewed what you should NOT do, what SHOULD you do?

Well, if you are familiar with my website, podcast, or YouTube channel, you likely know that I’m a big proponent of the No Contact Rule.

I realized, though, that I have not gone into detail about why I believe this is one of the most effective strategies to implement after a breakup.

Now, the way I see it, the No Contact Rule has four primary functions:

  1. It Helps You to Play Hard to Get
  2. It Allows You to Rebuild Your Life
  3. It Gives You Clarity
  4. It Leads to Character Growth

Let’s take a moment and study each.

Function #1: It’s Helps You to Play Hard to Get

Did you know that psychologists determined that playing hard to get works?

It’s true.

Ignoring your ex essentially causes a psychological consequence called “reactance”.

By taking away a behavioral freedom, like talking with you, you’re causing your ex to want that freedom back.

So, the No Contact Rule allows you to play hard to get and makes your ex to miss you a little more.

But, that’s not all it does.

In fact, most people misunderstand it and think that is all the No Contact Rule does, when in fact it does so much more.

On top of allowing you to play hard to get, it also allows you to rebuild your life.

Function #2: It Allows You to Rebuild Your Life

I firmly believe that relationships are interconnected to all of the areas of our lives.

For instance, when you go through a breakup, you may feel really bad about yourself afterwards.

When you start to feel really bad about yourself, you may start to underperform at work.

When you start to underperform at work, you will likely lose your job.

Relationships have the power to create a positive or negative domino effect in our lives.

But the No Contact Rule allows you to dedicate time to the most important person in your life – YOU.

Instead of focusing so much of your time and attention on your ex, you get to focus your time on you and rebuilding the areas of your life that were lost during this breakup.

Inevitably, focusing on yourself and rebuilding the areas of your life that were destroyed during this breakup allows you to become more confident.

However, my most favorite thing about the No Contact Rule is, after you have gone through it completely, you gain clarity on your motives for wanting your ex back and are empowered to determine your next steps.

Function #3: It Gives You Clarity

When you spend a prolonged period of time actively following the No Contact Rule and begin rebuilding your life independently, you will gain clarity on whether you only wanted your ex back in a moment of weakness or want them back for real.

In other words, you become empowered to make a decision about your future. Do you or do you not want your ex back?

The important word that I used above is “active”.

Following the No Contact Rule is an active process. It requires effort.

Effort to reign in your feelings. Effort to not contact your ex, even though you have a strong urge to do so. Effort to actively rebuild your life. But it is the effort – the active participation in the No Contact Rule – that makes all the difference for our clients, because the process rebuilds their confidence.

When you feel more confident, after focusing on yourself, you may even look at your ex and wonder why you ever wanted them back at all.

The No Contact Rule is in many ways the ultimate guide to helping you to gain clarity and determine if you want your ex back or not.

When Can I Contact My Ex?

I’m going to stop right here and answer the question that is likely rumbling through your mind. What is an acceptable amount of time that should pass before you contact your ex to see how they’re doing?

Well, if you haven’t already guessed, the only time I think it’s acceptable to contact them is – barring a few limited circumstances — after you complete the No Contact Rule without any hiccups.

Now, I will insert one interesting caveat into the equation. Before you contact an ex to see how they are doing, not only should you complete the No Contact Rule without any interruptions, but you should also have felt a meaningful change within yourself.

A meaningful change can be assessed through character growth. Yes, I said character growth.

Function #4: It Leads to Character Growth

Now, bear with me here. When a novelist is writing a book that they want to be successful, they must ensure that a character experiences growth throughout the story.

After all, stories are allegories for life. They are used to teach us something about the human condition.

An author will do this by creating a character who starts at point A, but desires to reach point B. Through a series of changes and challenges throughout the story, readers follow this character’s growth.

Now, writers do this by establishing the differences between want and need. For character growth to happen, a character must start out wanting something. But, perhaps, the journey helps them to realize what they want isn’t what they need.

You, my friend, can experience the same character growth through your No Contact Rule period. Now, what do I mean by that?

Well, we all start out wanting to get our exes back, even if the relationship wasn’t ideal.

The No Contact Rule helps you to experience this character growth when, like a character in a story, you recognize that what you want and what you need are two different things. In other words, you will survive either way.

Immediately after a breakup, most people think what they want and what they need are one and the same. You may think that you NEED your ex back.

The truth is, the trick to getting your ex back — if that’s what you truly want – is understanding, after the No Contact Rule ends, that it’s OK to want your ex back, but you don’t NEED to get them back.

Experiencing that paradigm shift and realizing you will survive regardless of the outcome makes you all the more powerful for when you are in contact with your ex. Your ex will sense that you are not hanging on their every word and your self-worth is no longer wrapped up in how they respond.

I often see female clients make the mistake of putting an ex on the “need” pedestal. They believe they “need” to get their ex back. Often, my job is to walk with them through this character growth journey, so clients can realize that what they want and what they need are two separate things.

Sure, it’s OK to want your ex back, but know you will be OK without them too. Following the No Contact Rule and arriving at that level of understanding makes you so much more powerful.

What to Read Next

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10 thoughts on “Should You Text Your Ex To See How They’re Doing?”

  1. Avatar

    Theresa M

    April 17, 2020 at 11:54 pm

    Hi, exboyfriend broke up with me in mid-December after 3 months together. Did 30 days NC which ended late February. He very positively responded to me texting him; wanted to see me later that day (politely said I could not). He seemed very enthusiastic to text for the next 2-3 weeks, but now has stopped responding to text (which I was initiating once a week or so). He (not me!) even suggested we go on a walk a couple of weeks ago, so about 4-5 days later I agreed and suggested we meet for a walk in response to his request, but he never responded. Don’t know why he would suggest a walk, but then not respond when I accept. Do I go into NC again? What gives with these men acting hot-cold? Thanks!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 21, 2020 at 11:35 pm

      Hi Theresa, the fact that he asked you to go for a walk he meant it at the time, but then he had time to think and he convinced himself otherwise. I would suggest that you take a step back and avoid mentioning meeting up. Make sure you are working on getting your ex to invest his time in talking to you through texts and move on to phone calls or skype rather than worrying about a meet up for the time being, that will develop naturally if you follow this process

  2. Avatar

    Ann

    April 15, 2020 at 10:40 pm

    What if your ex contacts you during the no contact period in the midst of this pandemic to see how you are? our situation is a bit unusual.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 20, 2020 at 1:34 pm

      Hi Ann, you stick to NC regardless of the pandemic

  3. Avatar

    Indy

    April 7, 2020 at 6:34 pm

    Hi Shaunna,

    Thank you so much for your reply it means a lot! My 30 days no contact is up tomorrow I’ve drafted a few different messages following Chris’s advice on all posts.

    His messages were not aggressive as such they were angry- said he hated me, our relationship was a joke, I wasn’t picking up because I was obviously sleeping with someone else just a load of stuff I don’t think he meant but alcohol brought out hurt and victimisation and insecurities.

    As that’s a massive elephant in the room because obviously it’s the last thing that happened between us ( he said that and I didn’t respond etc) do I just ignore the texts above and behaviour and act like normal with the texts Chris has devised? With the hook, story etc.
    And if he mention the elephant in his reply just say I needed some time out?

    (Otherwise it ended really well before then he left for personal reasons (mental health was a factor) and said he loved me so much but needed to work it out on his own we have a connection and I know how strong it is)

    I am thinking about giving it to the weekend to reach out as I know he doesn’t focus well in the week with work (even in lockdown)

    Thank you so much for all your help
    Indy x

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 10, 2020 at 12:10 am

      Hi Indy, you are welcome, make sure you do not reach out on weekends, you’re too busy for your ex on weekends 😉

  4. Avatar

    Indy

    March 26, 2020 at 9:31 pm

    Hi there I have 13 days left of no contact which I’m determined to finish just have a question regarding what to send him with these situations currently.

    how to start the message to him when

    1)he sent you rude drunk texts, called 26 times and left an accusing and rude voicemail on day 5 of no contact which I didn’t answer. Haven’t heard from him since

    2) your in the midst of worldwide virus and are obviously worried about him

    Thank you ☺️

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 27, 2020 at 12:11 am

      Hi Indy, you reach out with a text that Chris suggests. As planned. Do not let the virus change the plan and as for his reach out it just shows you were on his mind at the time. As long as those rude messages were not aggressive

  5. Avatar

    Maria

    March 20, 2020 at 10:40 pm

    Hey, thanks for these blogs 🙂 I’ve been in no contact for 4 months now and have worked a lot on myself and build up my self esteem to have more confidence in myself. Was planning on reaching out to ex soon now I feel ready, and as I’ve found out I’ll be moving my to a city near my ex (due to work purposes). We were in long distance for a bit before we broke up, but this news of me being reallocated to different location is good news 🙂 I wanna reach out to test water but concerned that my ex might be stressed with this current pandemic situation? And worried he might think I have underlying motive when I reach out and that if I ask him how he is, and that I’m using the situation as an excuse? I feel it’s a nice gesture in this time to check on people, is this ok? Should I wait longer for things to blow over more?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 20, 2020 at 10:45 pm

      Hey Maria, so we are suggesting that people reach out sticking to the process so if you have completed the full No Contact then you can reach out with a text talking about the pandemic but DO NOT ASK HOW HE IS. Just follow the texting style Chris suggests. I would recommend the “Have you heard the news?” style so that he is hopefully going to reply asking what news