You were going about your business, just living life and suddenly you get it… the text.
“How you doing?”
After a breakup, the last thing you expect is for him to start reaching out again and trying to talk to you. Especially, if he’s dating somebody else. It’s doubly true if he went back to his ex. I mean… WHAT IS HE THINKING?! Right?
So, you get the text and your heart skips a beat.
Let me tell you a story.
I was seeing a guy and things seemed to be going great. Fast forward two months and he was not only dating one of his exes, they were having a baby!
It’s incredibly confusing and frustrating. Not only that, but it can lead to a lot of unnecessary pain for the women involved.
So I am here to shed some light on what exactly is going on and why your ex might be reaching out to you.
There are three scenarios that we are going to focus on. All of the scenarios center around if your ex was the one that did the breaking up and is now dating a woman that he had previously dated before you.
Here are the scenarios:
- Your ex still wants to be friends
- Your ex says he still wants you
- Your ex is married
Your Ex Still Wants To Be Friends
Is He Being Sincere?
This one is the trickiest one.
You are going to need to determine whether your ex is sincere or not.
Is he just saying that he only wants to be friends because he wants to keep you on the hook while also having the benefits of his actual girlfriend? Or does he actually miss the friendship and partnership that you offered him?
You have to be careful with this one because you will be tempted to believe the latter. Why? Well, it’s human nature to not want to be forgotten.
Common sense says that if he broke up with his ex shortly before you got together and your relationship didn’t last long, then he probably still had feelings for her while you were together.
It’s not easy to accept, but if that is the case and he says that he still wants to be friends with you then you need to consider if that is something that you are really okay with.
If it has been several months or years since the two of you broke up and you feel as though you would be comfortable with being friends then accept his offer of friendship. If your relationship ended very recently then it may be a good idea for you to enter into No Contact.
If you have already completed No Contact, then you can utilize the Being There Method if you are trying to get him back. The Being There Method is pretty self-explanatory. You just… be there. You don’t tell your ex how you really feel about him, you just remain friends with him and allow your presence in his life to slowly chip away at his new relationship.
It is important to be careful with the Being There Method and to set boundaries for yourself. You don’t want to end up as only a friend or a friend with benefits. You also don’t want to end up as his emotional crutch. Remember not to give him the benefits of a girlfriend unless he is willing to give you the title.
If you are using the Being There Method and your ex tries to push forward with sexually charged texts, or anything along those lines, be playful about it but still shut it down.
Here’s a little example:
Him: “What you doing?”
You: “Just got out of the shower, you?”
Him: “Damn, kinda wish I was there to see that lol”
You (teasingly): “You wish! You gave up that privilege. Remember? Anyways, I’ve gotta go I have to get ready to go out. Ttyl!”
You leave him hanging and yet he’s still thinking about you stepping out of the shower. It was flirty, and a little sexy, but set a boundary.
Your Ex Says He Still Wants You
Again you are going to need to be careful here.
It’s true that in this situation your ex is blatantly saying that he wants you, but what does that mean exactly?
Does he WANT YOU?
Does he want to be WITH YOU?
And if it meant that he still wanted to be with you then why would he still be with his ex?
Remember, actions speak louder than words.
When somebody knows you well, they know how to manipulate you.
When you care deeply about someone it is easy for them to manipulate you.
Do you see where I am going with this?
Your ex is going to know exactly what he knows he has to say to get you to act the way that he wants you to. He is going to know how to push you away and he is going to know how to draw you in.
He Sees You As A Possession
Dogs do this thing sometimes where they will have a toy for years and never look at it once but the second another dog comes over they get super protective of the toy and won’t let the other dog touch it.
Men are like that. He has decided he doesn’t want to be with you, but he doesn’t want anyone else to have you either.
And what is the best way for him to make sure that you don’t find anyone else? He keeps you wrapped around his finger and holding out for him.
Doesn’t seem fair, does it?
He has a shiny new girlfriend and you have no one?
Well, it doesn’t seem fair because it isn’t fair.
But what if I told you it was simple? What it all boils down to is
- If your ex wants to be with you he is going to do whatever he needs to do to be with you.
- If he wants to be with his ex, then he’ll do whatever he needs to do to be with her.
He Likes The Attention
Another possibility is that having two women seeking his attention gives him an ego high. In the personal situation that I talked about at the beginning of the article, this is what happened to me. The man that I was seeing knew that he wanted to be with his ex but he got such a rush from stringing me along that he kept it up for as long as I let him.
Don’t get me wrong, I am sure that there are some situations in which a guy is going through a confusing period of his life and is genuinely having a difficult time deciding between you and the other ex girlfriend… That being said nine times out of ten he’s just trying to have his cake and eat it too.
If your ex is dating another woman and he tells you that he still wants you, make it clear to him that he needs to make a decision – either her or you. Don’t let yourself become an option. You want him to respect you and if you allow him to string you along there is not going to be any respect there.
My favorite way to respond when an ex says,
“I want you.”
is to say,
“I’ll believe it when I see it.”
That is really the only way to know if he means business, if he is willing to take action.
On a die note, you kind of have to ask yourself if this a man you want to get back together with? He is talking to you and telling you he wnats you while he is dating someone.
I mean could you ever trust him not to be telling other women the same thing if you did get back together.
Think about it. He is currently dating another woman and is talking to you behind her back. Is that the type of man you want to be with? Is he going to dump her, start dating you, and then get bored and start talking to her or another woman behind your back?
You also need to think about what your ex means when he says he “Wants you”. Is your ex just bored with the sex life in his current relationship and looking for some… some… extracurricular activities?
Or does he mean he actually wants you and wants to be with you?
There is a huge difference and men know that the way they phrase something can trick women into giving them what they want.
My point is – just be careful so that you don’t end up hurt.
Your Ex Is Married
You want no part of this situation. If your ex loved this woman enough to marry her and is now talking to you behind her back then there are some serious problems with his definition of commitment. Not to mention, you do not want to be in the middle of things when it all falls apart.
If your ex tells you that he is going to be leaving his wife and that he wants to work on things with you – RUN! He may be telling you the truth, but until those divorce papers are signed you want no part of that.
Furthermore, this is a woman that he dated, broke up with, and then dated again and decided to marry. There is a complicated history there. It’s unlikely that go away. Is that something that you want to have to deal with or get involved in?
One of my best friends met a man on a dating app a couple of years ago. They hit it off and started seeing one another. A couple of months into the relationship he admitted to her that he was separated but still married to his wife. He promised my friend that the divorce papers were in the works. Fast forward two years and he still hasn’t gotten the divorce!
If you really think about it, you will probably realize you deserve better than a man who is talking to you behind his wife’s back anyway. As I mentioned before, every situation is different, but in the case of marriage, it does not paint the prettiest picture.
At the end of the day, there are some people that are just not good people. We tend to see the best in everyone when our hearts come into play. We want to believe our ex’s heart is pure and that they are going to act just the way that they say they are.
And sometimes it works out. But, it’s important for you to be honest with yourself about how often that actually happens… rarely.
When it comes to a married ex, remember… if he’ll do it for you… he’ll do it to you. If he talks to you behind his wife’s back, then chances are, if you get back together, he’ll be talking to other girls behind yours.
It’s easy to tell what I’m saying here.
I’m going to simplify it for you. If your ex is talking to you as if he is single when he is with another woman, then you should consider his character. If you get back together with a man who does this, you should know now that you will probably be dealing with him doing the same thing to you. It’s about character.
If your ex is simply trying to keep you in his life as a friend, you still want him back, and you’ve done No Contact already, then you can use The Being There Method with a gentle hand until you see him take action to make himself available to date you. So, yes, if your ex is back together with his ex you still have a shot at getting him back. I only suggest going forward with getting back together if he leaves her completely though.
It’s a hard situation to be in. You want to believe that he will do what he says he will. Ultimately, it’s a decision you have to make, but if you go back to an ex before he has made moves to be single and available for you or that has bad character, then you are placing yourself in a toxic situation. And you will find yourself in this situation where you are hurt all over again. So, be aware of what you are getting yourself into as you move forward.
If you do decide to move frward with getting him back, you can apply the standard tactics to get an ex back who is in a new relationship. Here is a video Chris made on just that.
So, now that you are fully informed, I want to start a conversation with you in the comments below. Tell me about the details surrounding your situation. Tell me what you have done so far. And tell me what you think your next course of action is. Our experts will be happy to talk to you and help you decide what you should do next.
That being said, let’s get started!