What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

The Correct Way To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend

How do you talk to your ex boyfriend?

Who knew that such a simple question could have such a complicated answer. Since you are reading this page I am going to assume that you have an interest in learning how to talk to your ex boyfriend the right way. While I ultimately can’t lend you my brain to help in whatever your goals are with your ex I can use it to give you my perspective on the right way to approach any talking, texting or emailing situation regarding your ex boyfriend.

Throughout Ex Boyfriend Recovery you will probably notice that I talk a lot about talking, specifically how to talk when you text someone. While I do briefly touch on interacting in person and through other forms like calling I have never really gone into the detail that the visitors coming to my site really need.

Well, that changes now. With this comprehensive guide I plan on teaching you what I consider to be the right way to talk to an ex boyfriend.

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The Rules Of Talking To Your Ex

talking to an ex

Have you read this site?

No I am just teasing you.

Did you know that there are rules for talking to your ex? Luckily, I am going to use this section to outline the basics for you. Alright, so the first thing you need to understand is that there are actually many different mediums for talking to an ex boyfriend. I will be covering those mediums in a future section within this guide but for now just understand that the way you approach casual “talking” with your ex boyfriend will be different for each specific medium.

(Again, I have your back on that as I will teach you exactly what you need to do in each medium.)

For now it is important for you to grasp a simple concept. While each specific medium will have different “talking” rules there are a set of rules above that set of rules.

(lots of rules huh?)

That means that the set of rules I am about to describe to you are very important. They will lay the foundation for every single conversation you will have with your ex until you accomplish your goal. I will talk more about goals in a second but first lets look at the basic rules of talking to your ex.

  • Emotions Are Not Always Your Friend.
  • Be Zen & At Peace.
  • Be Confident.
  • Be Pleasant.

Those are some weird rules. I mean, it sounds like I have turned into a Buddhist priest with all this talk of zen and peace. However, I promise you that the rules above are very relevant to any situation I can think of. Now comes the hard part, trying to explain the rules to you ;).

Emotions Are Not Always Your Friend

emotions

In order for me to feel like I have done a good job explaining this particular rule I have to explain a major difference between the way men and women talk.

(Again, this is covered in-depth in Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO.)

You see, when women talk to other women emotions can be shown without any repercussions. In fact, I feel that this is why women are such good listeners. You have been in so many women to women conversations that you are naturally used to dealing with emotions.

Men are different. I can tell you right now that I have never cried in front of another guy. I would feel weird crying in front of another guy. Now, I will admit that I don’t have a “cry in person” type of personality. However, I have never had a male friend cry in front of me before either so it isn’t just me.

Here is the simple truth.

Men have emotions but we are not used to dealing with them.

This is where things start to get interesting because on one side you have women (who are used to dealing with emotions) and on the other side you have men (who are NOT used to dealing with emotions.) This is a fact that many of the women visiting this site can’t seem to understand.

So, why are emotions not always your friend?

Simple, when you talk to a man and are over emotional you aren’t attractive to him. Instead, thoughts like:

“She’s always like this.”

“No wonder I don’t want to date her.”

“This girl is crazy.”

will creep into his head and trust me when I say that, that is not a good thing. A lot of the women that I deal with on a daily basis are emotional wrecks (this tends to happen when you run a site about ex boyfriends.) So, I expected this fact to come with the territory. Still though, I am a guy and while I may be a little more understanding than the average one I can get a little taken aback when someone is too emotional.

You all call me an expert in relationships. The truth is that I am not. What I am an expert in is men and take my word for it. If you are too emotional when you talk to your ex boyfriend you are not going to achieve your goals.

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Be Zen & At Peace

zen

This “rule” kind of goes hand in hand with the one above.

We have already established that being too overemotional usually isn’t a great idea when talking to a member of the opposite sex. However, we haven’t discussed HOW you should act when you talk to them. This is where the zen rules comes into play.

Before you even begin to have a talk with your ex boyfriend you need to make sure you are in a zen state. So, when I talk about zen what am I talking about?

Zen- Being at complete and absolute peace

When I think of someone in this type of a state I think of someone who can’t be touched, who can’t be affected by bad news/ bad things. Let me give you an extreme example to get my point across.

Lets say that there are two versions of me. For fantasies sake we will call them:

  • Average Chris
  • Zen Chris

Both of these versions are presented with the same scenario:

A person comes up and pushes them.

Now, each of the “me” versions will handle this situation differently.

How Average Chris Handles The Situation

This version of me would most likely yell “what did you do that for?” He would then proceed to push the person back and potentially get in a fight.

How Zen Chris Handles The Situation

This version would probably stand up straight and either wave or smile.

Ok, I know it sounds corny but I am about to arrive at the point. If you are at a zen state it will be impossible for your ex boyfriend to say something that will hurt you. That means your hurt can’t turn into anger and the anger can’t turn into yelling. Achieving this type of a state before you talk to your ex boyfriend will prevent you from coming off as too overemotional.

Do you see how important it is now?

Be Confident

confidence

Have you ever talked to a confident person before?

When talking about confidence in relationships what’s the first thought that comes to mind. It’s that women are attracted to confidence, right? Well, in my book you will learn that it’s not just women who are attracted to confidence.

It’s men.

Now, when I talk about confidence what do you think I mean?

I am talking about someone who wasn’t afraid to look you in the eye and smile. This is something I have noticed from both men and women who I come into contact with in my own personal life. Usually, when you look them in the eye they look away. It’s like people think that looking someone else in the eye is a sin or something.

Well, I am here to tell you that it is not. In fact, holding eye contact is a sign that someone is confident!

No matter what your ultimate goal is with your ex boyfriend when you talk to him I want you to be confident.

There is a pretty big problem I am seeing from the women who communicate with me on this site. While I am not helping them in person I can tell just from the way they talk to me in emails and comments that they are wanting to talk to their exes far too soon.

This puts me in an interesting predicament because while I do want to tell you to slow down and get your mind right before you try to talk to your ex I also know that I can’t control what you do. Thus, a lot of the people I advise go completely against my advice. Interestingly, a lot of these people will come back to me saying

“I wish I had just did what you said. I feel like I ruined everything :(.”

Don’t believe me? Go to the comment sections on this site and I promise you will find a few.

Anyways, the key problem I see with women who talk to their ex too soon is the fact that they aren’t confident. They aren’t confident about what to say or how to act. You may think that confidence is something that someone is born with but I am here to tell you that it is not. In fact, if you give me the nerdiest looking girl I am CONFIDENT that I could turn her into someone that men would chase.

While I am not going to go into specific details about how you can become more confident (out of fear that this page would turn into a confidence page.) I will tell you a quick tip.

Fake it until you BECOME it!

Be Pleasant

happy frog

I like watching interviews. Specifically ones on talk shows. In fact, I remember a few months ago I literally spent 6 hours straight watching funny interviews with celebrities on YouTube. While I don’t recommending going full nerd (like me) for a day I do recommend you watch a few talk show interviews with Hugh Jackman or Nathan Fillion (P.S. an entire story Fillion told on a talk show actually happened to me. Not exactly but very similar!)

Now, you may be wondering why I picked those two specific actors.

Well, they just look so full of life and energy. They look confident, happy and most importantly pleasant to be around.

I want you to conjure up some of that pleasant energy.

There is a negative connotation for people that aren’t pleasant. However, there is a very positive connotation for people that are. While you may have some serious history with your ex I want any confrontation that you have from this point on to make him go “wow, she is so full of energy.”

Trust me when I say that good things will happen :).

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The Different Forms Of Communication

communication

In this section we are going to explore the different ways that you can communicate with an ex boyfriend. While I am the first to admit that I have already written about this before I feel it is important to go over the forms of communication again. Of course, I do want to provide you with a lot of value so those of you reading the “forms of communication” again can get something new out of it for your troubles.

As a result, I am going to be talking about the proper form you should exhibit when you talk to your ex using the methods of communication outlined here. But first, lets take a look at those actual “forms” of communication first.

  • Texting
  • Calling
  • In Person

As you can see these are the most common ways that you can communicate with a boyfriend. Lets look at each specific “way” a little closer.

Texting

texting

This is my personal favorite form of communication. In fact, I enjoy it so much that I wrote an entire book about it.

Just take a look around Ex Boyfriend Recovery to see why. In a nutshell, texting someone allows you into a persons private world. It is a digital way of talking to someone one on one and if you master the texting form I am about to show you, you can accomplish some great things.

Proper Form

I text a lot of people every day. I text friends, family and crushes ;). I have noticed something very interesting about the way that I text each specific group and the way each specific group texts me. First though, what do I mean by groups? Well, it is quite simple:

Texting Group- A term I made up to describe an entire category of people that I text. For example, a best friend would be placed in the “friend” group while a boyfriend or girlfriend would be placed in a “lover” group.

For the purposes of this article we are going to be looking at two major groups:

  1. Friends
  2. Lovers

Now, I bet you are wondering why we are going to be looking at two groups instead of the one you really care about (lovers or I guess in your case ex lovers.) Well, I wanted to give you a group to compare to so you can understand the difference between how you communicate with a certain category of people.

One thing I have noticed when talking to friends is that I really don’t care about a response very much. There are certain people that I consider friends that I will sometimes duck out of a texting conversation with. Those friends don’t take it personally and I don’t take it personally when they do the same thing to me.

However, the dynamic completely shifts when you talk to someone that you could potentially date (or date again in your case.) Now all bets are off and you really care about a response. You dissect every single response you get. You worry if a response is too short or you go ballistic if you don’t get a response.

While I don’t have some PHD in relationships there is one thing I know a lot about and that is texting. You see, I have used myself as the ultimate guinea pig to see what works and what doesn’t work. I have studied the tactics that women have employed to try to date me and have gone to town on what they did that worked and what didn’t work.

While I can’t get into any specifics yet (I will do that later) I will tell you something fascinating I have learned that you can apply anytime you talk to someone.

A Chess Match

(Disclaimer: This only applies to the specific group of “lovers.”)

Texting is a chess match!

No, think about it for a moment. Every text you send has to be carefully thought out and has to inspire the other person to want to text you back. Some women are better at playing the game than others while some women will flat out refuse to play. However, whether you like it or not texting is nothing more than a game and like any game you can risk losing if you make a mistake.

While there are a lot of variables in play here there is one specific aspect of the “game” that I want to focus on and that is control. Recently I began to notice something really interesting happen with one particular person I was texting. It was something that turned me off from talking to her in general….

One thing about me (and most other men) is that when we talk to someone we want complete control.ย  Lets take a moment and define what I consider to be control of the conversation.

Control- You are controlling the conversation if the other person you are talking to is putting more effort in. You can determine this by examining the size of the text messages and the amount of text messages sent

This is really important so I am going to give you a few examples to show you what I am talking about.

(For more examples of texts like the ones below please visit The Texting Bible.)

Size Of Text Messages:

size

Notice how the second person in the conversation typed such a long message while the first one typed a short one. This is indicative that the second person is putting more effort into the conversation than the first one. What this can tell us is that the second person may be more engaged in the conversation than the first. Hence, person number one is in more control because he/she is making person number two put forth more effort to stay engaged in the conversation. Now, while I admit that this may not matter to everyone it is definitely something that I notice when talking to another person.

The Amount Of Text Messages Sent

amount of texts

There are a couple of things I want you to notice in the mock text message above. Look at how often person two texts person one. Once again, this is indicative of the fact that person two is putting in more effort into the conversation than person one. Thus, this gives person one the power in the conversation because he/she knows for a fact that person two is engaged.

Calling

call me

In this section we are going to explore proper calling form. Again, I won’t be going into the specific “how to” (I will do that later) but I will be giving you guidelines to follow on your call. Alright, before I really dive in I want you to be aware that there is a slight problem with calling someone else.

A Warning About Calling

If you are anything like me then you don’t think very quickly on your feet. You may read this website and think I have amazing insight and while I think I do have some valuable knowledge if I were to talk to you in person one on one I couldn’t remember half the things I talk about here.

Why is that?

Well, the answer is quite simple. When I write long guides like this I have time to plan, to reflect. It literally takes me days to finish a guide like this because I am thinking very carefully through every little thing that goes on this page.

When you call and talk to someone you are not given the advantage of being able to think through your responses. The other person is expecting a response to their response and things can get out of your control very quickly. So, my warning to you is quite simple.

Do not call unless you are prepared.

Lets talk a little about being prepared now.

Proper Calling Form

I want you to go look at the rules of talking to your ex boyfriend in the sections above. I want you to understand those very well because this is where we integrate them.

A lot of the “guru’s” out there will give you a script to follow on a phone call. Heck, that is probably what a lot of people want. Here is the deal though, all the “scripts” go out the window when it comes down to actually talking to your ex. It is impossible for me to give you a script to follow because your ex may say something that requires you to go completely off script and then you are going to sit there and thin:

“Okay… now what do I do?”

So, rather than script some robotic response for you to say I think it would be better of me to teach you what I have learned about communicating when I want to accomplish something.

The first thing I want to teach you is quite simple.

Don’t overreact.

This is especially true when it comes to your ex. Why? Well, it’s because this one person has the power to make you go crazy with a single word. Too often have I seen women make the mistake of getting upset over something stupid which in turn ends up causing a fight that sets their efforts way back.

If you are not in a place emotionally where you can remain calm then DO NOT talk to your ex on the phone. Think of it like this. If your ex punched a puppy in front of you and you react then you aren’t ready to talk to him on the phone. I know that sounds extreme (poor puppy ๐Ÿ™ ) but the truth is that overreaction leads to anger which will lead to fights. I don’t have to tell you that fights are bad right?

The next thing that you need to accomplish is having the ability to leave your ex wanting more.

Avid readers of my site know that I talk about this a lot. Well, I talk about it a lot because it is THAT important. Now, since we are talking about calling a person on the telephone it adds an interesting element into this discussion. One thing I have found is that hearing someones voice can be addictive.

A few weeks ago one of my friends wanted to call me. Of course, I was busy at the time so I gave some push back:

“I can’t talk right now.”

Though she kept insisting so I eventually gave in:

“Ok, but only for 5 minutes.”

Our phone call ended up lasting an hour.

The process my mind went through was actually pretty fascinating. At first I thought “ok, only five minutes” but that soon turned into “just 15 more minutes” which eventually evolved into “I am going to talk forever..”

Now, what happened to me CANNOT happen to you. I was weak and threw caution to the wind. The truth of the matter is that calling on the phone and having a conversation can be addicting. However, if you are going to talk to your ex throwing caution to the wind and giving them the time they want when they want it will not cause them to come back and want more. Instead, it will make them not want to call you for a while.

In Person

bond meme

Now we are getting to the meat of this guide.

Talking in person can be tricky in it’s own way. Once again, the risk here is that you don’t have time to think through your responses and me giving you scripted responses will not work. Now, I realize I briefly dabbled into the scripted responses in the calling section above. Well, I didn’t want to dive too far into that particular pool because I wanted to talk about it in this section.

The Problem With Scripted Responses

My second year of college was very interesting relationship wise. Contrary to popular belief I was not always a social person. In fact, in high school I didn’t really talk to many people thus I missed out on a lot of social experiences. However, in college I really began coming out of my shell. At the urging of my friends I asked girls out which in turn yielded a story for the ages.

The story I am about to tell you will probably make you laugh but at the same time I want it to serve as a reason why scripted responses are never a good idea.

Our story (like any good story) starts out with a girl. This girl at the time I would have considered to be out of my league. Both of us were in the same class together and I remember all the guys gathering and talking about her. None of us knew her name so we dubbed her THG (The Hot Girl.) I just remember every single day after class we would all talk about what the THG did that day. It is actually a little creepy now that I think back but that is what happened.

One day one of the members of our creepy little group bet me that I couldn’t get a date with the THG. Of course, being the fool I was I got angry and accepted his challenge.

“Next week I am going to get her number. You just watch.”

You see, I had never been denied a number. Any girl that I had ever talked to had always handed her digits to me so in my mind, while this THG was “ungettable,” all I would have to do is spark up some small talk and ask for her number. In hindsight, I wish I had done that. Instead, my mind kicked in because I really wanted to crush this, since my manhood had be challenged, so I started doing some research. In my research I came across some clever scripted responses that I memorized and practiced for hours.

I can remember it as clear as day. I remember standing in front of the THG (her name was Brooke by the way.) I remember delivering these weird robotic lines to her. I remember feeling awkward. I remember the cringed look on her face. I remember walking with her afterwards and feeling really awkward. I remember thinking “ok, just ask for her number and get the heck out of here.” But I think I mostly remember her ducking into the women’s restroom to get away from me.

I was ashamed and embarrassed at the same time. I had always prided myself on being relate-able. On being a nice guy that could get anyone to open up and here I was walking away from this beautiful girl that I had creeped out so much that she ducked into the bathroom just to get away from me.

So, what went wrong?

I am sure the guru’s would tell me that I didn’t deliver the “lines” correctly but the truth is that I did. While I didn’t feel confident I know I appeared confident. After all, I had practiced them for hours in front of a mirror for goodness sakes. The truth was that I didn’t know how to react to HER responses to the scripted lines.

Why?

Simple, the scripted lines weren’t from me. They were from some pickup artist community and they weren’t in line with the type of person I was. While I thought they were clever I wouldn’t know how to respond to her because the true line wasn’t from me.

Proper “In Person” Form

Talking to someone in person is awesome.

I always love face to face interaction with someone more than anything else. In this section I am just going to give you a few guidelines to follow. I don’t want to go into too much detail specifically because I am going to give you an overview of what to do in your situation later on. Nevertheless, there are certain guidelines to follow if you want to give you the maximum chance to succeed no matter what your talking goal is.

The first thing I want to explain to you is the importance of looking flawless. Up until this point we have discussed texting form and calling form. What are two things that those have in common? Well, you don’t see the person face to face. When you are meeting to have a conversation with someone in person a new aspect is introduced, how the person looks.

I will be the first to admit that there are times when I am talking to someone I am attracted to that I stop listening to what they are saying and just daydream. Why am I telling you this? Because it is an important insight to the male mind. Any girl who can do this to me will have power over me. Now, it won’t be ultimate power but it will be power. I can give you an example that occurred to me a few weeks ago. I remember I was talking to a girl (face to face) and while she was talking I remember just wandering off and thinking “she has the cutest nose, I wouldn’t mind waking up to that nose in the morning.”

Why did I tell you that?

Because, it has been a few weeks since that conversation and I still think about that daydream. If she were to call me up on the phone right now I would pick it up and be happy to pick it up.

Another interesting aspect to talking to someone in person is that just like with texting there is someone who controls the conversation and someone who doesn’t. Take a moment to review the texting rules above, specifically the graphic on “the size of text messages.”

Believe it or not but this same graphic can, in a way, be applied to in person talking.

I have found that whenever I talk to someone, if I am the one that has to put more effort into talking then I am the one that is more invested in the conversation. On the flip side I have been on dates with women who have done all the talking. I have found that women who talk a lot on dates are interested in me romantically. It is the women that I have to chase that I find more attractive as compared to the over talkative ones.

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The Goals Covered In This Guide

goals

How you talk to your ex boyfriend will depend completely on what your overall goal is. For example, someone trying to get over an ex boyfriend will have a different approach as compared to someone trying to get him back. That is what this guide is going to attempt to do, show you how to approach talking with your ex in different situations. While I will be the first to admit that there are probably hundreds of different situations I had to prioritize and pick the most common situations. The ones I picked are the following:

  1. How to talk to him if you want him back.
  2. How to talk to him if you want to move on from him.
  3. How to talk to him in a way that he won’t get defensive.

Lets take a look at some of the most common goals that people tend to have when talking to an ex boyfriend.

How To Talk To Him If You Want Him Back

want him

This is where I kind of get caught between a rock and a hard place. Take a step back and forget for a moment that we are talking about “talking.” The whole subject of ex recovery is a complex one. I have been writing for this site for about a year and I am still finding things to talk about. In fact, I think it will probably take five years before I can literally sit back and say:

“Ok, that’s it! I have covered everything.”

The point I am trying to make here is that in this particular section I can’t cover every little detail that absolutely needs to be covered. Don’t worry, there are still some very important things to talk about here all I am saying is that you are going to have to use this site (or the E-Book ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) to fill in the blanks that I don’t cover here.

With this in mind lets take a look at an important concept.

How Your Emotions Play A Role In Getting Him Back

I have talked a lot about emotions throughout this guide. Probably so much that you are getting tired of hearing about them. Well, whether you like it or not emotions play a HUGE role in getting your ex boyfriend back, just not the way you think.

So, what do we know about emotions?

Well, we know that men and women process them differently. Women can often talk about their emotions while men don’t want to hear about them. In fact, this is why some men will run away from a situation that they deem too “emotional.” Here is the crazy part though, you can’t get your ex boyfriend back until you tap into his emotions and the best way to do that is through your emotions.

If you truly understand this fact then you can use it to your advantage.

You know what I love about well written T.V. shows? I love the fact that they carefully lead up to a climax. Game of Thrones is a perfect example of this phenomenon. All of the characters are developed from the beginning of the season. You become invested in them and then by the time episode 9 rolls around you know that some crazy sh*t is about to go down. (Episode 9 is traditionally the climax episode in Game of Thrones.)

Now, this phenomenon wouldn’t work unless the development in the episodes before episode 9 didn’t occur.

This is how I like to view getting an ex boyfriend back. For women wanting their ex boyfriends back, the “climax” would actually be getting him back. However, in order to successfully get to that climax development needs to occur. Ah, but there is just one small problem. In order to develop to the “climax” you need to use your emotions but your ex isn’t exactly good at dealing with emotions now is he?

So, the real question becomes how can you get to a point where you can be a little emotional and not have your ex freak out?

Well, strangely you have to train him like a dog.

The first thing you have to do is talk to him in a non emotional manner. However, with each interaction you slowly build (devlop) to a more emotional state. View this as your own mini climax development.

Lets take a step back here and dissect what I am talking about because these concepts are really important.

So, the gist of what I said above is that there are two “climax developments” that need to happen. On a big picture level the climax development that needs to happen is just the general development to getting your ex back. However, on a smaller scale another climax development needs to happen. This climax development is all about training/getting your ex to a place where he is comfortable with dealing with emotions.

How To Talk To Him If You Want To Move On From Him

move

Moving on from an ex boyfriend is actually quite easy. In fact, I can tell you exactly what you need to do to do it in a few short sentences. The part where women have trouble is actually implementing the advice. In this section I am going to give you an overview of how you need to talk to your ex boyfriend if you want to move on from him.

But first I would like to say something. If you haven’t already read my post about getting over an ex boyfriend I suggest you stop everything you are doing and read it!

If you already have then lets talk “moving on.”

YOU Control The Process, Not The Other Way Around

I am getting annoyed.

Women come up to me and ask for my advice (which I am happy to give out) all the time. However, I really get annoyed when they tell me point blank that they want to move on and then a week later they want their exes back again. Then, after things don’t go their way (within the next week) they want to move on from him again.

NEWSFLASH this isn’t the type of deal where you can close your eyes and all of a sudden you can just get over your ex boyfriend. No, it is going to take some work on your part. Ah, but this leads us to another annoyance of mine, entitlement.

There are some women out there that think they are entitled to have things go their way all the time. While I will admit that confidence is never a bad thing to have it becomes a problem when that confidence turns into entitlement.

You are not entitled to anything. Not when it comes to stuff like this.

Getting someone back is hard and in some cases getting over someone is even harder. The phenomenon I described above (where someone will jump around on whether they want their ex back or want to move on from them) is a prime example of someone letting the situation control them.

I like to call this “being in limbo land.”

Women who are unsure of what they want are in limbo land. If you truly want to get over your ex boyfriend you can’t be in limbo land. When it comes to relationships people often say there is no black or white there is only the grey in between. This is without a doubt one of the truest statements BUT only when it comes to relationships. When it comes to getting over an ex boyfriend there can only be black or white. There can be no in between. You either want him back or you don’t. Anytime you are unsure is a time where your situation controls you.

How To Talk To Him Specifically

I want you to remember that this section is all about moving on from an ex boyfriend and just like trying to get an ex boyfriend back there is a certain way that you will have to talk to your ex if you want to move on from him.

Most people will tell you to flat out ignore him and while I do think that is an important part of the process I only think it should be done in the beginning stages. Eventually though it is inevitable that your paths will cross and how you talk to him will either validate your decision or send you into limbo land.

I have actually seen women do so well with moving on from their ex to only fall back in love with him after talking to him. Remember, this is the guy that has so much power over you that you come back to this site reading up on how to approach him.

So, if you are wanting to move on from him then they key for you is to be respectful but very careful. In this case you need to be really guarded about your feelings. You don’t want to talk about anything “controversial.” Just keep things light and casual and don’t talk to him for very long.

While you don’t want things to be awkward the number one goal is to care for your well being and not his. Always remember that!

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How To Talk To Him So He Won’t Get Defensive

defensive

No one likes receiving bad news.

No one likes talking about things that make them uncomfortable.

No one likes being put on the spot when talking about a relationship.

These are important facts to remember when you read this section. I have actually found this particular part of the guide the most interesting to dissect because there is a lot going on here. First though, what usually makes a men go on the defensive?

Most of you would probably point at the three examples I gave above (bad news, etc, etc) as prime reasons and while your assumption would be correct it is not the entire story here. I have actually found an overarching rule that hovers over “what makes an ex boyfriend go on the defensive.”

How You Approach The Situation

I want you to think back to your last fight. It doesn’t have to be with your ex it can be with anyone. Chances are that there was yelling/anger/fury involved. I can think back to my last blowup. It happened about a month ago with my brother. Now, I am the type of person that rarely gets in fights with people. However, when it comes to my brother all caution is thrown to the wind.

Anyways, a month ago something interesting happened. Yes, I got into an argument with my brother but I also had an epiphany about the situation. I wasn’t angry about the disagreement we were having I was upset with the way that he talked to me. The tone in his voice, his annoyance and disgust with me showed through and I really didn’t like being talked to that way.

So, the real reason we got into an argument was because of the way he had approached talking to me about something. Now, here is the epiphany. If he had just come and talk to me very calmly and normally there would have been no argument or fight.

Lets apply this epiphany to most situations that couples find themselves in.

If you were to approach your particular situation in a very calm manner I am betting that most arguments you have would have been avoided. Obviously, this won’t work 100% of the time because sometimes no matter what you do the other person is going to get angry but I would say this can work a good 70% of the time. So, if you know you and your ex need to talk about something serious or something that you feel could potentially upset him you need to prepare yourself before you go into the lions den.

The best way to prepare?

Be as calm as possible at all times!

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/chris-avatar.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

357 thoughts on “The Correct Way To Talk To Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Sarah

    July 17, 2017 at 11:47 pm

    Also I forgot to mention that this is the second time we have broken up the first time he came back and told me he made the biggest mistake ending things and couldn’t forgive himself.

    1. Sarah

      July 18, 2017 at 12:00 am

      I tried to post this earlier but it looks like my post disappeared! Anyways posting again. Four days ago my boyfriend broke up with me, we have been dating a little over two years. He and I were long distance for 2 years, but this past May he moved back home to the same city as me. He told me he felt smoothered as it was a tough adjustment going from being 9 hours apart and speaking on the phone everyday to seeing each other everyday for hours. He said a few other reasons but being smoothered is what stood out. We have a lot of mutual friends and so far they have been respectful of the situation when get togethers come up. I have already started no contact since the breakup…I want him to miss me though and come around and contact me. Two of my friends have told me not post to my snapchat story or to facebook but I feel that might make him forget me, and I thought of instead and to post me being happy and doing exciting things. Which would you recommend or any advice of how long I should continue no contact? I have in the mean time working, spending time with friends and making new ones, and just working on improving myself working out etc. If you think I have hope that he will come around or anything I can do to help with this process please let me know.

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 18, 2017 at 9:35 pm

      if you did the no contact rule before in the first break up, do at least 45 days. if not, do at least 30 days.

    3. Sarah

      July 19, 2017 at 7:22 pm

      Yes my goal is to go 30 days no contact. I am just worried especially since this is the second time, he will feel less inclined to reach out to me. He said I could reach out to him, if I need to but not to talk about getting back together.
      The day after he broke up with me, he went to see my best friend Hailey and her boyfriend who is my ex’s best friend. She brought up the fact him and I had broken up and had tried to find out more information, but he started getting upset and wouldn’t really talk about it. Do you think there is a chance my ex and I will be able to patch things up?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 23, 2017 at 5:49 pm

      Yeah just avoid acting on the mindset that you dont have a chance and avoid talking about negative things.. Anybody would be upset if somebody close to their ex is prying info about the break up..so he had a normal reaction..

    5. Sarah

      July 26, 2017 at 1:50 pm

      I’ve been having a hard time staying positive. I am nervous he is over me and the relationship we had. It’s almost been 2 weeks though since the breakup. And I haven’t heard anything still, I feel more worried than I did the first breakup. And I haven’t mentioned him and I to anymore mutual friends. Just trying to keep busy and do things for myself each day.

    6. Sarah

      August 1, 2017 at 1:34 pm

      I ended up meeting up with my ex and talking yesterday, so I could give him back some clothes that belonged to him and to also talk about something that happened between us. At first the conversation was really back and forth and we talked about the situation that had happened we fought about that for 30 minutes. Then the next hour we were together we just talked about music, working out, and catching up on things that had been happening to us. It was good to end our get together on a better note at least. We decided we could be friends, but I still have feelings for him. I woke up this morning and realized I am missing him. Do I just go back into no contact now and see if he misses me and tries to reach out? Any advice on where to go from here?

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 1, 2017 at 5:20 pm

      Continue slowly building rapport while maintaining having your own life

    8. Sarah

      August 2, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      When I texted him yesterday he seemed kinda distance and to the point, almost business like. I was the last one to send him a text he never replied, pretty much on the lines of saying “Hopefully in time we can put everything behind us and start hanging out soon”. Maybe I should give it a few days before reaching out? Or just not reach out and let him come around.

    9. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 5, 2017 at 5:25 pm

      The process we suggest is texting firsg, and then calls, and them meet ups..because you need to slowly build rapport..

  2. Sarah

    July 17, 2017 at 6:18 pm

    My ex broke things off with me 4 days ago after dating a little over 2 years. He and I were in a long distance relationship and 3 months ago he moved back home to the same city as me. He broke thing off because he said he felt smoothered and we were spending a lot of time together, there were other reasons too but I can’t remember what they were. Just smoothering stood out. Anyways we have a lot of mutual friends and they have been accomdating knowing we have broke up and not inviting both of us to group activities. But as I am taking this time to not contact him im working on myself and trying to be the best version of me I can be. I miss him though, and I want him to come around and contact me but I don’t know what else I could do to make him want me during this time. I would love any extra advice. Also a few friends have recommended that I not post to facebook or my snapchat story so he can wonder what I am doing. I am not sure to do this or post photos of me doing well so he will miss me. Any advice on what to do there? Any advice at all I would appreciate. I miss him and want him back.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 18, 2017 at 9:24 pm

  3. TK

    April 18, 2017 at 10:39 am

    Hi Chris,
    I have read EX boyfriend recovery pro and implemented ‘NC’ for 30 days. It worked well even after pursuing him for 4 months. He asked me out for few times after ‘NC’ and told me he missed me and we could try our relationship again.

    However, I became not sure if I really wanted him back after hearing it from him and I also felt his approach was not serious enough, so I said I am not sure about it. He still asked me out on Valentin’s day ( it was very casual outing to see his friend’s music band) , but we had awkward moment after one of his new friends thought I was one of the girls who he was casually dating while we were apart. I became very uncomfortable and left there soon. After the Valentin’s day, he stopped asking me out. I asked him for dinner and he said he likes having me in his apartment like before (we were living together for a while) and he wanted me to stay there more. But, he completely stopped pursuing me after we had another awkward moment when we went to salsa dancing together ( We are in a same salsa dancing circle and he never danced with others when we were together, but he completely ignored me when we got there and danced with other girls who he has known after we broken up on the day which made me feel upset and left there soon). I may have overreacted to those unexpected situations and I did not like the fact that he was dating with many girls from salsa so casually during the last months while I was coping with my sadness and loneliness. He obviously did not like my reactions and said to me that it won’t work. We didn’t see each other for 6 weeks after that, but we met yesterday for a short talk because he was upset by seeing me with another guy at salsa dancing and I wanted to make peace with him. He told me he has met someone who he likes, but not sure if it’s a good idea to have a relationship with the person because she is a temporary visitor in this country. On the other hand, he said he still has feelings for me, but again, he said he is not sure if it works. He gave me many hugs and kisses and said he likes holding me and kissing me, and I am attractive and beautiful bla bla.., but I think he will keep dating with other girls including the person who is attracting him at the moment and he won’t be pursuing me. He said let’s stay in touch at the end of the short meeting, but I felt like he is just trying to hung me up again while he dates with others.

    I feel I was not patient or calm enough when we started reconciliation after “NC” and overreacted to the situations, and destroyed the chance to make him pursue me gain. Now, I am not sure what to do in this situation….Do I have to do “NC” again ?! Please advice!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 25, 2017 at 3:38 pm

      I think you should approach it like this one:
      My Boyfriend Says He Wants To Date Me and Another Girl

  4. Jenny

    March 3, 2017 at 11:40 am

    My boyfriend was forced to break up with me by his parents and religious reasons. His family is very muslim. However, they don’t live in the same country as us, so they didn’t know until his uncle who does lives in the same city as us saw us, while we were out together, and told his parents about us. His parents gave him a hard time and recited religious teachings from the Qu’ran, forbidding dating and all. However, he is not a deceitful person and definitely didn’t play with me for fun. He was very sincere with me in all of what he said and did and his feelings towards me as well. He seemed in a stressful state, when he told me we had to break up. We were very alike in character and personality and had a particularly similar interest and liking for banters and comebacks which created this bond. It was rare to have this similar kind of humour I have and love, so I don’t want to lose such a rare friend. He himself said we could be friends and have our banterous talk again, but then after a week or two when I met him, he was cold to me and when I texted him he didn’t reply. I thought afterwards that I might have texted him too early on, and I texted him to meet up for a talk, maybe that wasn’t that well thought through on my side, as it might have been hard to meet then too. But as he ignored me, I got angry and sent several messages on top of that, no response either. So I decided maybe it was the best to not speak to him at all. When I met him around, I looked away, I think he was even looking my direction though. I still really want to talk to him and be friends. I am afraid to try, as I am scared of being disappointed again. When is it suited to speak to each other again? What is a good way to approach it? In this situation being due to forced and religion and all, is there a chance to be friends again, just friends (or comeback partners)?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 3, 2017 at 12:37 pm

      Hi Jenny,

      do you want to try the no contact rule? if you’re both young, it’s less likely that he would have courage to go againat his parents wishes..

  5. Sad

    December 15, 2016 at 10:25 pm

    Hi
    I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 4 years we have a 8 month old baby together and this is the 3rd time he’s walked away from me.
    He says I make him feel unloved and have ago to much I am actually getting counselling now but he says its to late and I should have done it a year or two ago he blames me for everything.
    After two weeks of being split up we stayed hanging out again things went pretty fast and a week later we slept together all that week he kept saying we r done he will never come back and when I ask how he feels about me he says he doesn’t know and when I ask if he will change his mind he again says he don’t know.
    After sleeping together we spent the day together and he was acting weird quiet and then he started shouting and saying I’ve forced him to spend time with me he doesn’t want to be with me and he will not change his mind while I’m in his face all the time but then said he wants to stop contact but left it for me to decide when ????? I don’t get that
    Next day he text me asking if I’d made up my mind so I said yes I will leave him alone hope he’s happy now ect then he was asking about seeing baby at Xmas I said he was welcome to but he would have to make his own arrangements this didn’t make him happy and he’s acting like I’m being a bitch he can’t have it both ways right me out his life but still running round after him surely
    I’m confused by his behaviour

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 17, 2016 at 3:10 am

      Hi Sad,

      he acts like that because he’s still used to you being around and he’s used to you chasing him or being the one who always wanted the relationship more..

  6. Shelle

    November 8, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Hi Chris, I really need your advice. I broke up with my ex just under a month ago due to an unresolved argument which he couldn’t get over. It started with him moving away to university next year (he’s not going anymore as far as I know) and escalated to both of us saying nasty things that neither of us could take back. We both took a few days to cool off and came back to it. I wanted to just let it go because I seen it as an argument which had been blown out of proportion and wouldn’t be resolved and if we kept going at it we would inevitably break up so we both attempted to brush it off but within the week he stopped finding me sexually attractive and started seeing me as a friend and began saying he was unhappy. Because of how much I love and care for him I didn’t want to keep him somewhere he wasn’t happy. All I wanted for him was to be happy. Obviously I wanted to be the one to do that for him but I couldn’t anymore if that’s how he was seeing me so I broke up with him and when I done this he was genuinely shocked and didn’t seem too pleased. We decided to be friends that night and a few days later he said he wanted a month of zero contact to try and get over me. I completely failed in that department as I contacted him when I got a job a few days later and about a medical problem (I’m epileptic) a further few days after that. He was pretty chill about both of these incidents of contact but my problem is that I tend to over think sometimes and I had been over thinking on the thought of him not actually wanting to be friends with me he just said yes because I offered and it was all really a burden to him so coming off a shift at my new job I decided to give him a phone call and voice all of this to him. The phone call quickly turned nasty on his part. I won’t script it as there was a significant amount of swearing but apparently he hadn’t had a good week and my phone call (when there was supposed to be zero contact and he wanted to be left alone) just ended up annoying him even more and was the cherry on top of his week. He then told me he didn’t want to be my friend anymore which was extremely hurtful to me as we were both best friends before getting into a relationship so it was extremely hard to lose my best friend, someone who I truly loved more than anyone as well as a major part of my support system and so much more. In the end up I (feel like I stupidly by the way) begged for his friendship and just one more chance to be his friend but he was having none of it. The phone call ended in strangely okay terms we both said “see you about anyway” and that was that. We talked about exchanging the Christmas presents we had already bought (well I had already bought, he hadn’t ordered mine yet) over text after the phone call but I only gave him back his hoodies and told him that I just couldn’t justify giving him ยฃ200 worth of presents after how things went and he said that was okay he then offered me to come into his house but I declined. That was three weeks ago. I haven’t seen, talked to or contacted him since. I keep getting the urge to message him. But what do I do about all of this? Is there anything behind him inviting me into his house or was he just being nice? I still love him deeply so how do I get him and us back to where we were? I just want him back I do believe he is the love of my life. Please please reply and help me out I’m begging it’s my last resort I’m on my last legs with this I don’t know what to do about any of it. What do I do now that I’ve done the NC for three weeks? Should I do it for longer or should I contact him? And if I should contact him what should I even say?? I desperately need all these questions answered please and thank you! ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2016 at 1:06 am

      Hi Shelle,

      I think he’s just being nice because he said that after you said you’re uncomfortable giving him gifts after what happened. Yes, you haven’t spoken for three weeks but you’re not really in a no contact rule if you weren’t focused in healing and improving yourself during it. Since, it’s your last resort, I think you should restart the count and do 30 days. Even if there’s no guarantee that the no contact rule will work, it’s still your better option than to chase him.. after no contact, you can initiate. Check the links below:

      The Ungettable Girl

      EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

  7. Kirby

    October 20, 2016 at 12:06 am

    My ex boyfriend and I broke up about a month ago, the break up was his idea but was mostly amicable. immediately I went into no contact mode for a period of 30 days and decided to contact him; the first message didn’t get a response but I tried again several days letter and got a response. He was neutral in his response (stating he was very busy; he’s in grad school and works full time which was one of the main reasons for the break up) I wanted a day or so before contacting him again and got a neutral response again; and then again today and received no response. Our relationship was positive and loving until the end, so his responses are very confusing to me. Im considering restarting a brief no contact period until his school schedule slows down in about a month, do you think this would help my situation? Thank you so much!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 21, 2016 at 6:01 pm

      Hi Kirby,

      Maybe it can, there’s no guarantee.. did you improve yourself? If you did, continue doing it even after the 2nd nc

    2. Kirby

      November 1, 2016 at 10:12 pm

      Yes, I have been taking my time improving myself! I work out regularly, do more volunteer work, and focus on my studies. I have even joined a dating site recently, he actually messaged me asking about it and if I was hooking up with people. I stood my ground and did not reply as I felt he was coming from a place of jealousy and anger.

  8. Christine Murphy

    October 12, 2016 at 2:18 pm

    My ex broke things off with me 2 weeks ago. I told him I need this time to heal and we would see each other in November which we both agreed that was fine to meet up as friends. We are both in this app with two other friends that meet for thursday night dinners. He deleted the app while we were together since he is temprarily living in a different city for 7 months. Thursday rolls around I was making plans with the two other group members to meet up when he starts chatting also. He also looks at all of my snapchats and spotify songs. I feel confused about what to do, I thought no contact would make him miss me and try to contact me….not through group post. I don’t want to get friend zoned what do I do???

    1. Christine Murphy

      October 12, 2016 at 2:20 pm

      And I mean he goes through my song list and I can see that…. a little odd. Im trying to heal but I wasn’t expecting no contact to go this way…

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 13, 2016 at 6:14 am

      Hi Christine,

      if he talks to you through the app, don’t answer. Does your friends know you’ve broken up? Create a separate group with them temporarily and explain why.. tell them you just need to do this for your own healing..

    3. Christine Murphy

      October 13, 2016 at 6:24 am

      Yes they know we have broken up. Is doing this going to make him try to contact me instead of beating around the bush using our dinner group app? My friends in the dinner group even think it is werid because he only started using the app again a few days after the break up. I feel so confused what is happening… We broke up October 1st. I’m doing the whole no contact, focus on myself, better myself, have fun. But I feel like he has been stalking me on social media. I just want him to reach out and make an effort to reconnect things between us. Do you think there is a chance of that?

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 13, 2016 at 4:39 pm

      It’s not guarantee that he will but there’s a good chance since it’s obvious that he’s already trying to in the group.

  9. Mahnoor

    October 11, 2016 at 6:14 pm

    So i completed NC of 30 days and it was an active one. He and i were together for 3 years. He replied to my message instantly. He joked with me and overall it was a pleasant conversation and there was no argument involved in it. But then he left me on read and didnt reply at all since then maybe because he was out of things to talk about or i dont know.
    I just want to know what to do now? Should i text him again or wait for him to message me? And if he doesn’t message me how long should i wait to contact him again? Please please help me!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 11, 2016 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Mahnoor,

      maybe there was just nothing to say anymore.. you can initiate again the next day.. if he doesn’t reply, wait for 3-5 days before messaging again.

  10. Alexandra S.

    September 28, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    Hello,

    I need help. The man I was seeing for 10 months (28) broke up with me (25) 2 months ago. I pushed for more commitment by asking to meet his friends around the time of his birthday, and it spooked him. He has not brought a girl to meet his friends in 5 years (he says he has had only 1 real girlfriend). Two weeks after this talk, he ended things, saying he didn’t think he could call me his girlfriend.
    I completed NC for 1 month- during this time I traveled, I went out a lot with friends, and my ex saw it all on social media.
    Following a concert we had planned to go to together, I messaged him about it and then asked to catch up over coffee. He agreed and when we met for coffee, we talked for 1.5 hours. He asked questions about my traveling and such, so I know he was following me on social media.
    A week later, we talked on the phone for 1 hour. For about 2 weeks after this, we messaged on Facebook. It has been all friendly, and I have not brought up the relationship.
    This week, we were talking on the phone and I asked him if he was free this week to hang out. I suggested coffee again, maybe a drink if he likes. He said he was busy all week, every night. I was pretty surprised to hear this but I said “I would like to see you and hang out, if you’re up for it. It’s hard for me to gage your interest but maybe you can think about it”. And he said he would think about it.

    I’m confused because I don’t believe I have expressed intentions to get back together, rather I have been friendly and we have been talking frequently on the phone and online. Why the hesitation to meet in person?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 30, 2016 at 4:12 pm

      Hi Alexandra,

      Hmm.. you told him you would like to see him and hang out and that it’s hard for you to guage his interest? That actually shows you’re trying to get him back..Even if it was just the interest about hanging out, and that he been aloof before you said that. That line may add to his assumptions that you’re being friendly to get him back and not just being friendly only.

      That whole message shows you still have something for him.. It’s not really a casual message. Because in the first line, you specifically said you would like to see him.. And then you said if he’s up for it, and that you’re trying to guage his interest and that if maybe he can think about it. It sounds like you’re trying to convince him and that you really hope he would come and see you.

      If I’m going to just base it on that message, you may have conveyed the same in your previous messages, you just didn’t know it.

      And it looks like you went backwards.. First you met up and then called and then texts.. It would have been better if you have built rapport slowly first through texts, then calls and then when there’s rapport and attraction you would meet up to build more rapport and attraction..

      You need to lay low.. Be more focused in other activities..

    2. Alexandra S.

      October 1, 2016 at 2:26 am

      Thanks for the message. Well we didn’t talk for the week. And then he messaged me and said we can’t be friends and we’re not going to get back together. I still replied and said I was open to talking about it and that I can’t really say much in a text. I think this is hopeless.

    3. Olivia

      November 4, 2016 at 5:42 pm

      Hi Amor, I know I have to wait a week. Wednesday Nov 2, will be a week, but I don’t know what to say, or what type of text to send. I’ve tead the article about 10 times, the first time was a month ago when you told me he was ghosting me. Thats what I was referring to about maybe approaching the article differently. I’m not sure how much of the rest of the information on this site is applicable to this situation. Even the EBRPro book only has about a page on ghosting and it just says its a sucky situation. My ex is intentionally ignoring me. So no contact isn’t going to make them miss me really its for me to heal… Steven left on a whim I think. I think he was way over stressed about work. I think that day I just pushed his buttons over the top by being a text gnat, and he chose to switch his humanity switch off at some point after his last text and our conversation. We never fought, communication was huge between us, he admitted he was opening up way more than he’d ever done with anybody else before. We always had a good time with eachother even on our last date 2days before he turned on me. I knew he was stressed out and tired about work, so I never pushed until that day I guess when I was texting him to let him know I was on lunch and break free to talk. Its something we’d did though that day I just got an extra break, and for once he didnt reply to me. I wish I’d never texted that day. I wish I hadnt called my mom and missed his phone call then texted him a stupid bum pic that had him calling me yelling at me for texting after he told me in the message I hadnt gotten yet to stop texting he couldnt talk he was on a very dangerous road towing a semi tractor trailer in the dark with a cliff and my texts were distracting him… I wish I had t started crying on the phone. He said you just dont get it. Youll never get it, and I was like fine I wont text while youre at work anymore. Ill wait for you to text me. Ill put it in my phone to remind me… it wasnt enough I guess.. thats when he gave me his 3 reasons why he wouldnt text me, 1.im busy, 2. Im hurt or worse, 3. Something happened to my phone it died or is lost… he said he’d call me back… 20 min later he texted me the video of the road… then thats it… nothing until i went to his apartment and he just replied “alive”. Our first fight… now nothing… I thought i was supposed to do the confession text… you said no… i dont know what type of text to use now…. we did a lot of hiking always going off trail usually it was impromptu hikes, we also ate out a lot he’d always start a match of flicking sugar packets at eachother like football fingers. He’d love to send me funny texts of different memes while he was in the shower 10ft away when Id pick him up from work with his arms covered in road grease, his clothes were funny enough always spotless. we watched scary movies together, and he’d put on soldier especially marine movies and explain thats what it was like, and tell stories, he loved forrest gump quotes, he started telling me stories about his dead brother and growing up that he said he hadnt told anyone before because remembering hurt too much usually, we both were surprised how much we trusted eachother, and how deeply we felt. According to him he wasnt a very touchy feely person before and thats what he liked about us, it felt natural to hold hands in public, kiss and hug, he’d initiate all the time. He had this hardcore badass dont mess with me type exterior and then Id walk up and he’d melt. Thats how I know he’s stubborn and guarded at the moment. We’d laugh all the time, at really dorky stupid stuff like his batman stuffed animal I told you about. He has this 3ft Ted stuffed bear his sister gave him that he loves too that he’d joke around saying it was possed like chucky. He likes the movie Ted. Our dark and light sides meshed well… We accepted eachothers quirks, enjoyed and made fun of them. I really think its just his job thats stressing him out at the moment. My one friend says Steven works like he does and its his added hours, and stress load thats pulled him away. He had no other social life but me because of his job, and the fact he had “dropped” a lot of people from his life almost 2 yrs ago now when he broke up with his cheating ex. I dont know why im telling you all this. His birthday was Oct 7th I was in no contact so I didnt send anything, todays Halloween again its not a week yet so Im not sending anything. Im trying to improve to get past this pain, to think…. I know the first text didnt work, and im sure the 2nd wont either since I dont know how to change his mood when he thinks of me. His last thoughts are probably she’s another stressor, its just better to ignore her than let her back in I already have way too much stress as it is. I was never his stressor before, I was always his stress reliever before I dont know what to do! How do I change his mood? I know you wont get this until maybe late Wednesday, and you”ve read about 50-60 depressing, frustrating, sad sob stories that are all the same, and youre tired, maybe hungry, and really just want to go home so you just write a quick comment to finish and move on, I know that feeling. I” asking for a bit more of your time, and thought though. I’ve loved and lost people before and thought I could never live without them and did stupid stuff to try and get them back only to realize years later we werent really that intune with them or connected or even right for eachother. Steven’s different. I know I can live without him, it’s like we’re puzzle pieces that fit together we have different sides that dont fit like his work right now and eventually my schooling we can both be ok if we just keep connecting the pieces around us leaving eachother as our missing lost pieces and our picture will still be able to be deciphered and will still be great but not complete not finished that one missing piece although it seemingly has only one side trully connected it connects us to 3 othersides we could be closer to that would finally complete our lifes pictures. Our story isnt done yet. We’ve just hit a snag, its not snafu or a fubar and We need your help to figure out how to reconnect even just a small hi would be all it yakes. So please help me. I know love hurts… whats strange is this time Im willing to have the patience this time to actually do what it takes to let it work out. I just need guidance and insight, he gave me the tools to unlock him before I just need help figuring out what i have and how to use them. My friends think he’s done something horrible, and he has, and I know hes done it out of pain and on a whim… his actions days hours even before this were incongruios with his silence towards me now which is I think again due to his job stress. Its litterally starting rainy season here its just going to get worse for him. We tried to prepare for it months ago when he had me help him create his rain gear bag… we got a black backpack and days later I saw a batman one of the same style he was super excited about it and swapped all his stuff into it. So even now he carries something of mine around. Im just hoping it can be a positive catalyst to him remembering we had a ton more good times than bad, but i dont know what to say in this next text to help me crack his wall, or let down his guard and make him change his mood towards me! Please help with something a bit more substantial because again I” not sure how a ghosting ex fits into the EBR program. Thank you! Happy Halloween!

      So according to the texting bible it says Steven may need more time, or he may just be really stubborn so Send something short and maybe sweet…

      “Thank you for being a Bardsey with me. We always brought joy to each others lives.”

      Fyi Bardsey apples are the rarest apples in the world. It was our nicknames ( Steven, Me) that he coined before we met during one of our marathon texting sessions where we talked about anything and everything. He looked up the rarest apple after we started the nickname. He said we were that special, it was actually the first thing he ever said to me over the phone. “Hi apple.” Its also how he told me he wanted to start trying to have kids… he said he wanted to start an Orchard with me by this time we were already making love, this just took it to a new level.

      Umm here’s another text idea… “I know we’re both super busy, i just wanted to say a quick hi. I’ve been thinking about you.”

      Or the one in the book… “i just wanted you to know Ive been thinking about you.”

      Or another from the book…
      “Thank you for the love you shared with me” this one idk about… he was afraid to say i love you. I think it was because of his ex he told her that and she broke his heart in the cruelist way possible, so he’d just say I think you already know how I feel about you when I said I love you to his face when I was awake and saying it for the first time. Apparently I told him I loved him in my sleep at first then he teased me saying “somebodys caught feelings” until I finally told him I do love him, but I didnt want to be the first to say it out loud. The orchard talk came out later. And he was the first to bring that and marriage up.

      Ok so how about this one “i know we’re both busy, but I just wanted to let you know I’ve been thinking about you, and all the fun and joy we always had together no matter the stress of the outside world.”

      Do you have any better ideas? Which should I use, And why that one as opposed to the others? Also why was the I have a confession one not chosen for the first text after no contact?

      This is really important to me.
      Thank you.

    4. Olivia

      November 4, 2016 at 5:46 pm

      Sorry it put my comment under Alexandrias post not my own. i didnt mean to do that. Olivia

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 5, 2016 at 10:11 am

      It’s ok Olivia! Dont worry, I actually read the whole comments always. Sometimes,I forgot some parts of it but most of the time that’s because I only remember the most important points.

      When you’re ghosted, it’s either he’s a coward, jerk, or he got tired and annoyed with you.. whatever it is of the three, it would be better to do a no contact.. but if the reason of him ghosting you was that he was a jerk, you cant do anything about it..

      It looks like his reason was the last, and you said it yourself he might see you as another stressor..That means he has to see first that you wont chase anymore..honestly, from his last text, it just looks like he doesnt want to talk anymore. He wants you to move on..

      since it’s been a long time since he ghosted you, I think you should try to send that confession. You’ll know what to do after that because as you said, he’s soft when it comes to that..He will either tell you to move on or soften up and try again

  11. Carine

    September 1, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    Hello,
    My boyfriend and I broke up 2 months ago, and last Sunday I talked to him after those 2 months. We talked twice but I’m always the one who has to start the conversation and when we talk he’s always flirting with me. But he never starts the conversation… I don’t know why he does that. I don’t talk to him every day because I don’t want him to think that I’m needy or anything. But right now i don’t know what to do.. Can you help me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 1, 2016 at 3:02 pm

      Hi Carine,

      do you end the conversation at a high point? That means he’s not really that interested in you, yet.

    2. Carine

      September 1, 2016 at 4:55 pm

      Yes I did, and he thinks like: “I should invite you for a drink” and ” you’re a such a cute girl” I know that he still has feelings for me but he’s scared he will get hurt again. Last week at my sister’s wedding he kept looking at me. He was happy that I started to talk to him. When we talk I wait an hour to reply and when I do that my text turns blue like he was waiting for my reply. Tuesday was the last time I talked to him. How do I make him talk to me first? I asked his advice about I movie I wanted to see and now I’ve seen the movie. Should I text him about that? And how can I talk to him without looking needy? We dated for almost 2 years and I really want him back..

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 2, 2016 at 11:16 am

      oh… if he’s really just afraid, that means you have to it slow. You have to build trust over time.. It’s not something that you can rush.. Because if he’s afraid and avoiding connection that means he made a decision not to be so close to you.. And you have to just continue to be friendly to him and continue being active in your life to be interesting for him.. End the conversations in high point too and don’t always be too available.. like rest from texting for 3 days after texting him for 4 days..

      I think you should read this article too: How to make your ex boyfriend commit

  12. Olivia

    August 31, 2016 at 2:28 am

    Hi Chris, I’m not sure if my boyfriend and I have broken up or if we’ve just had our first fight and it’s still in the cooling off period. We met on Plenty of Fish in February 2016 and hit it off immediately, first messaging a lot, then finally texting from morning until one of us fell asleep 12-14 hrs later, and after a few months of that we finally met, and we’re still constantly texting and talking on the phone until about a month and a half ago when he started a new job as a tow truck driver for the police department so naturally our texting slowed, and we started becoming creative making time for each other with our increasingly busy schedules as he typically works 12 hr+ shifts 5-6 days a week now. Last week he started nit picking me about moving too much when we fall asleep cuddling, and on Friday he suddenly blew up on me over the phone when I called him back, he was angry with me about texting him while he was at work, and he called me “immature” when I said sorry I wont text him anymore while he’s at work while trying and failing to hold back my sudden tears. (He’s never called me names, or yelled at me like that). He then told me he had to go he was driving a tractor trailer through a dark 2 lane winding road, and he’d call me back later. I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been 4 days. Today is his usual day off, and he still hasn’t contacted me. This is the longest we’ve gone without any communication. I haven’t contacted him, but I’m starting to get really scared its over. So my predicament is do I continue the no contact as if we are broken up or reach out to him because we’ve just had our first fight. He’s 30 and I’m 35. We’ve both been in long term relationships before. Until this point I’ve usually let him take the lead in our relationship. He was the first to discuss marriage, and before this new job we were talking about starting a family with him already choosing baby names, and discussing how we’d scare the priest with hidden bath salts in the babies clothes during their baptism. We did have a major hiccup about 2.5 weeks ago when I was tested positive for chlamidia which he gave me thanks to his cheating ex! We both were tested for std’s before we met online, but I hadnt been with anyone else for 5 years, and had a recent negative test in January 2016 my doctor said he may have had a false negative if he tested too soon after his last break up as his test was apparently older than mine. I forgave him, but he denies that he gave it to me, and unfortunately he had an ear infection that he took antibiotics for before we found out I had chlamydia, and we didnt have a chance to have sex after his infection cleared, so his new test results I’m assuming have come back negative since the antibiotics he took for the ear infection would’ve also killed the chlamydia. He hasn’t said anything to me he should’ve gotten the results last week. I didn’t cheat, I think he believes me, and he knows I love him, but he’s never actually said it. He just says I think you know already how I feel about you when I ask which is usually followed by a passionate kiss, and an embrace. Now you know my full rock and a hard place story. I dont know if we’re broken up, if he’s just mad and exhausted and we’re taking a break, or I’m just over reacting to him not calling. Like I said he told me he’d call me back before he hung up, and then sent me a video text of the dark, scary, 2 lane winding road he was driving a loaded tractor trailer on. Do I continue the NC rule as if we’re broken up, or do I reach out to him? In his defense Friday looking back I was a text bug way more than usual, and I felt super guilty for putting him potentially in harms way. I was being unusually more needy. There was stuff going on at my work, that I just really wanted to hear his voice. I’m typically a happy, confident, independent woman, who would never intentionally hurt him, but he’s hurting me at the moment and I can’t tell if it’s intentional or circumstantial with his work exhaustion, stress, and our STD scares. Please help. I have no idea what to do! I started school today too, plus I’m working part time, and dealing with my own family issues of my mom and sisters being upset I spend so much of my free time with him and not them anymore. I’m afraid to tell my friends whats happened, and the 2 male friends I’ve told tell me it doesn’t look good this silence, but I think they have ulterior motives. So I’m cringing to trust them especially when my gut says he’s going to wake up he loves me, but my brain is screaming the sky is falling, and I’m just trying to focus on me and what I need to do, and trust the rest to God. You’re insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 31, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      Hi Olivia,

      Be silent and for the next 2 weeks and just be active in improving yourself.. if he does text you then reply.. if not, initiate after that 2 weeks.

    2. Olivia

      August 31, 2016 at 6:35 pm

      Thank you so much for the reply!!! I just circled the 2 week date on my calendar! I hope he contacts me before that, but it helps a lot to have an actual plan! Have a great day!!!

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 1, 2016 at 12:04 pm

      Have a great day too!

    4. Olivia

      September 8, 2016 at 2:52 pm

      Ok so I failed. I attempted contact during the nc period, and yes he finally broke his silence at 5am today via text but it was only a one word response “alive” in response to a note I left on his door asking if he was ok? Since during his rant to me in our last conversation 2 weeks ago he said “he’d call me back, and there was only 3 reasons why he wouldnt text me 1. He’s busy, 2. He’s hurt or worse (he works a very dangerous job), and 3. Something was wrong with his phone.” Naturally upon talking to my friends and family his “im too busy to reply back to me for 2 weeks” excuse seemed illogical. i had sent 3 short upbeat text msgs last week 1 good morning and 2 goodnights trying to break his silence. (I was weak I shouldnt have done that, I just didnt know if we were broken up or if he was thinking I was mad and didnt want to deal with an upset me.) After that no response I started thinking it was the other 2 reasons, so I called him once this tuesday leaving a vm expressing my concern about his silence as an indicator of him possibly being hurt or worse, and understanding that hes busy but its been 1.5 wks since our spat and he said he’d call me back and only 3 things would keep him from texting me and I was going to swing by his apt on wed to ck on him if i didnt hear from him. (I know it seems way psychotic now, and totally out of character for me.) he didnt reply so yesturday wed I went to his apt at 3pm (tues and wed are his typical days off), but he wasnt home, so i left a note on his door “Apple are you ok? Love Olivia with my phone number” I also called him again saying I was at his apt like I said I do trying to make sure he was ok, and that I left a note on his door asking if he was ok. i came home and googled tow truck accidents, and even a death certificate website. At 5am today thursday, he mustve just got home from another 15+ hr shift to my note on the door and finally broke his silence with the one word reply “Alive”. Now i dont know if I should reply in 8 hrs so i dont wake him up with “ty . I know you’ve been really busy. i appreciate the reply. I was worried about you and your silence. i love you! /curl up with ” or do I not say anything and start nc again but this time stick with it now that I know he’s ok, and was actually ignoring me and if I start nc afgain for how long? I know from the “when your ex ignores you article” a one word response is a bad response. Im not sure if this qualifies as bad because he’s still mad and I pissed him off some more, or if it was because he’d just got home from a 15 hr+ shift on his day off, and I should just be happy he took the second to reply before passing out. Did I make things worse? I appreciate your time especially if you choose to respond to me. Im sorry I havent been sleeping, i really have been worried he was hurt or worse sincve he works a very stressful, intense dangerous job with these sudden abnormally long no break work schedule at the moment. this is not my normal behavior, its just a reaction to my legitimate fears, and his sudden silence when his big thing from the beginning of our relationship has been “communication is our foundation” ironically he taught me this phrase! I dont know whats up or down anymore and I need guidance. I’m willing to do whatever it takes especially now that im afraid i may have screwed it up more eventhough he finally brole the silence. Thank you again for your time. I really hope youre still willing to help us.

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 9, 2016 at 2:49 pm

      of course I’m willing!I reply to all of you, that’s why sometimes it takes time..

      okay..You had me do the back flip when you searched his death certificate!But I understand.. If that happens, which I doubt, someone in his family or friends will call you or you will know it through social media..
      anyways, I dont think you made it worse but it’s more apparent now that he’s just ignoring you.. if you contact him more, you’ll just annoy him.. I think you should restart no contact

    6. Olivia

      September 10, 2016 at 8:35 pm

      Thank you for the reply! Im on day 1 of NC again, but how long should I be in this mode? I ask only because in the previous reply you said 2 weeks, the site says 30 days, or 21. Also just a bit more background info that makes this situation a bit unique. We’ve never been FB friends! He has an account but he doesn’t use it! You cant even friend request him its greyed out. I asked him about that at the begging and he said he had to create an account for a class because thats the way his group preferred to communitar. He only has like 30 friends on it and his sister. He called FB the devil. I know from looking at his profile at his profile he doesn’t use it. I’ve never met his friends, and he’s only met some of mine. I used to tell him when I was working and he was off he should go out with his, at least have a guys night out, but he said they were always busy doing their own things with their families (wives and kids). He also said he left a lot of people behind who were friends but were really just bad influences before we met. I know his friend at least one of his friends, and his mom knows I exist. As far as his family I never got a chance to meet them as his mom lives far, and when she did come out for mothers day i was working, and he only saw her for an hour because she was doing girl stuff with his sister and wasnt really wanted. So really it was just me, and work as his life lately. He has his full time job, and 2 extremely part-time jobs as a paramedic, and a police training officer (he’s also USMC veteran but he was medically discharged because his gf at the time shot him while he was sleeping when he was breaking up with her. His last gf cheated on him. I know he’s guarded because of all this). I have my friends that I know he used to get a bit jelous of as theyre mostly guys. So if something did happen to him I’d never know. Nobody knows how to contact me, or to even contact me. So thats why Im still at a complete loss of a game plan. He just disappered on me after he said he’d call me back. Ive never done anything to jeopardize, or dishonor our relationship or disrepected him. I treated him like a king, and in turn he always treated me like a queen until now that he’s run away, and wont talk to me. So i dont know what to do beyond no contact, and I dont even know how long I should implement nc. Heck im assuming we’re broken up based on his silence. We didnt even really have a major fight, he was just really frustrated and gave me the only 3 things that would keep him from texting me back and then said he’d call me back, and 20 min later he sent me a video text to show why he was stressed while driving. Im sorry im rambling. I just dont understand. So anyways any insight would be appreciated, and how long should I do nc? Thank you again!

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 12, 2016 at 10:32 am

      Oh sorry, I didn’t made it clear. The first two weeks of silence was not really a no contact for me. I just thought that maybe he just needs space, that’s why I said you should reply if he texts.. But now, I think you should do no contact for 45 days. It’s apparent that he wants to break up. He should have just told you that, but right now, I don’t think asking him about that will give you an answer, he might just even agree with breaking up if you ask him.

    8. Olivia

      September 12, 2016 at 1:50 pm

      Ok thank you. ๐Ÿ™

    9. Olivia

      September 12, 2016 at 3:43 pm

      What did I do that was so wrong? I dont understand why 45 days as opposed to 30? And technically we’re not broken up he just wants to? Im sorry. I’m just really in shock at the moment. I feel really stupid right now because I dont understand. I can do 45 days its going to be hard, but I can do it. Im at a loss why not 30? Is it because I failed earlier or because we’re just that screwed. The sins of the people in his past have now hurt me too, and us too, or is it cause I reached out too soon, or was there something I did wrong? Or something Im not seeing? Im asking so i can help focus on what I need to do to improve me. Im a bit of a puddle now. So many questions, and Im trying to change my perspective into a positive one so my brain can stop seeing a pit of despair, and realize I have an option of walking around it instead of falling into it. My gut still says everything’s going to be ok if we just breathe before reacting impulsively again. My inner strength says we were ok before him we are going to be ok now. In the end everything’s going to be ok. If its not ok, its not the end. You know before he started talking to me he literally had stopped dreaming I dont mean goals I mean sleep REM dreaming since he was shot 15 yrs ago. Shortly after we really started talking and opening up with each other he had his first dream. I remember how excited he was about it. I was in it and someone else and a baby that kept crying. He took it as a sign from God, I took it as his walls were coming down. Then he had his 2nd and 3rd, and finally it became an almost nightly thing. I had a dream about him last night that he made me laugh so hard in the dream that I literally woke up myself up because laughing so hard I started laughing in my sleep. Then I opened my eyes in my dark room and all the light was gone. Reality hit he’s gone, but my hope and belief in us isn’t. Too bad it seems like Im alone on this train. We had a deep connection with me he couldnt understand from the beginning according to him and he showed it until now. I thought were we like good set of dishes able to be chipped because we are both skittish from past relationships, but nearly unbreakable when dropped on a carpet. I fear we may have landed on concrete based on everyones outlook, but still I have faith, hope, and love. What Im getting from everyone is that its only one sided now. That theres virtually no chance, and I dont understand. I didnt do anything wrong. Why am I being punished? We were a team or at least I thought we were…. I dont trust anybody, I dont let people get close. He was different, special. I couldnt help it, and thats where this deep routed fight to believe in him in us against these sad, overwhelming scary odds come from. I know his walls have shot up again, and I dont know how to scale them. What do I need to do in this next 42 days? I dint like being a puddle. I cant afford it. I have too much to lose in other aspects of my life like school, and work. Im tired of being hurt because of other peoples insecurities. This is why I trusted him so easily things were black and white, and I never felt the need or want to hide anything from him. Our relationship was open and honest, and now its dark and silent, and cold aside from the embers I have, and I hope he still has because I dont know what I did to douse his flame so suddenly. I just don’t get it. I’m not like his other ex’s. I’m strong, I’m sweet still, and a hold my innocence close. I dont bother getting dirty with people I dont see the point in jealousy, or being vindictive. I stand up for what I believe in, but I wont bring down another or stoop to their level, and Im willing to listen, learn and try to understand, and Im way too empathetic. We were good for eachother. I dont understand why he’s pulled away, how he can see me in such a poor light as to not even want to talk to me when honesty and communication were the backbone of our relationship which helped grow our laughter and joy. I dont get why or how he could just walk away and disappear without an explanation and think that thats ok, and the thing to do. Is it fear? Angst? Anger? Cause obviously it has to be some sort of hurt and pain, he wasn’t that kind of guy to walk away without a reason. He told me he’d call me back, and gave me the only 3 reasons that would keep him from replying, and then texted me after yo show what he meant by dark, and dangerous road he was driving on with his tractor trailer. 2 days before he gave me his LAPD challenge coin to protect me, and finally opened up on his own without prompting about what he does in the police department as an officer. I never pushed I always let him decide how much he was willIng to share, open up, lower his walls. I knew he was fearful of being hurt again. Thats why I let him take the lead, and show me. He was an honorable person. So why would he just run away like this? Why am I being pushed away, thrown away when I didn’t do anything wrong? Do you really think 45 days of silence will cause him to wake-up and see the truth. He threw away somebody thats super special and wants him, but doesn’t need him because of his own insecurities? I told him i never wanted to be fixed, or fix him I just wanted him for who he is and for me to become a better person with him. I still want that. I dont want to fix him, i just wish he’d heal enough to see whats in front of him and not look at me through the eyes of his past anymore. I do t even know if thats the issue, or if its something else. Something I really did do, or didn’t do, or havent learned to do yet. So what do I do in these 45 days? That’ll make him see me differently? Is there anything I can do since we have no social connections only the emotional connection we created in the past. Is that enough? Thank you.

    10. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 14, 2016 at 1:02 pm

      dont look at like a punishment, take it as a part of life that you will really experience because there are different kinds of people in the world.. he’s ghosting you, and you’ve done what you can. You’ve given him space and then showed that you still worry but all he can say is that he’s alive.. He didnt even explain why he’s being silent.. Most of the time, in this cases we really recommend 45 days for you to heal and be more rational.. and sometimes because 45 days is not that predictable for him. Not like 30 days, where he might notice that you last texted a month ago, and now you’re texting him again.

      In other sites the more common recommendation is actually 60-90 days..

      I hope I can assure you that he wilk come back just because of nc but we cant.. No contact is for you.. It increases your chances because you chose to focus in improving yourself and changing yourself which in return increases the chances of him seeing that and that you’re not like before anymore, and probably wont bring up the issues he doesnt want to talk about before.

    11. Olivia

      October 25, 2016 at 5:30 pm

      Hi Amor. So today is day 45! I can’t believe its finally here! I’m super scared! Steven hasn’t contacted me at all. I expected that knowing he can be super stubborn, but based on what I’ve read from the website and books I dont know if he’s just being stubborn, or if he’s still angry, also I don’t know if I’ve done enough to prepare. I don’t think the text I’ve been composing in my head is good enough. I’m still realing from the shock that he’s chosen to disappear, “ghost” me, “forget about me forever” as Chris described ghosting in the texting bible. So I bought the ExBFRecPro book, and the texting bible book and did everything I could to follow the plan to become the ungettable girl again. I was her when Steven and I first met now I’m a shadow of that confident girl, always having to remind myself to look up. Anyways I’ve started psychological counseling, personal training at the gym, I”m taking a statistics class to finish my BS, my whale watch marine naturalist training has begun again, I’m also volunteering at Heal the Bay another eco non profit, I’ve been working harder to get my finances in better shape, taking more aggressive control of my debt, Ive gone out with friends, i went on a “friend date,” I did a major room and car cleaning, and rearrangement (im planning on painting my room soon), I’ve cleared out my closet of things that dont make me happy, I even did a major gardening overhaul of my homes backyard, I’m whitening my teeth again so they pass the tissue test, I gave blood to the redcross, and made apointments to get all my testing done again, I’ve finally got 2 friends who’ve agreed to support me in this journey to try and get Steven back but theyre like Chris who think that Ghosting someone is one of the worst ways of dumping a person and had a very hard time agreeing to stand with me in this moment of grief, instead of just pledging to be there when it all fails ready to help me pick up the pieces but getting them to understand why I need to do this has unfortunately drained most of my confidence. I think after all this pain he’s caused me that I still want him, that I need to do everything that I can to determine my future happiness and take back some semblence of control in my life. I was amazing before him, he helped make me better, but now I’m exhausted, shaken, and I’m terrified! I know how important this text is. I’m so scared that I’ve been avoiding even writing this message asking for help. There’s so much riding on this!

      So here goes. Steven really loves Batman especially the Joker. Its one of the many things we bonded over. He was the Joker before we met, and I always considered myself as Harley even before I met him. He also had this strange need to win stuff from the stuffed animal claw machines you find at diners. So one time he spent $20 trying to get a Batman bear out of the machine and the whole way home he kept playing with it saying “justice” in the dark knight husky voice, and he went so far as write the word justice on my windshield. The song from the movie Suicide Squad “Heathens” also ties into this memory it came on and he started singing it to me, playing with the bear. After that everytime the song came on he’d sing it to me. He even made it his general ringtone (he never had specific ringtones for people). It’s vivid memories like this that bring me down to my knees now. I dont understand how one day a person can willingly give you more of themselves openly and then the next day take all of it away and throw me away?

      So here’s my text: I have a confession…

      Everytime I hear the Heathens song from Suicide Squad I think of you singing it with the Batman bear, and saying Justice! It always makes me giggle, and become very happy. I really wanted that bear!

      Is there any way I can make this text better? Or should I use something else?

      Like : OMG I just saw the coolest looking Joker costume and I thought of you! It made me happy.

      I wont send my text until I hear back from you. I wanted to do this earlier but I took a flu shot and was really sick this past week. So forgive me if I seem to be rambling. Thank you. Olivia

    12. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 26, 2016 at 7:08 pm

      I like the second one better, but add something to make it conversational.

      OMG I just saw the coolest looking Joker costume after trying the claw machine and I thought of you! It made me happy. By the way, what was your technique in claw machines?

    13. Olivia

      October 27, 2016 at 7:14 am

      Hi Amor, so I sent the text you helped me with “OMG I just saw the coolest looking Joker costume after trying the claw machine and I thought of you! It made me happy. By the way, what was your technique in claw machines?” No reply… ๐Ÿ™ Now what? Brainstorm some more? Thank you for trying to help me. I’m alone on this quest. Reading other peoples comments I realize I expound a lot more than most. Thanks for your patience and understanding if you met me IRL you’d be like damn she has her shit together, dreams big, has a great personality, vivacity, and tenacity, nothing gets her down, she’s so energetic and happy… haha thats what I was recently told by someone… they dont see me at midnight holding my pillow trying to find a dry spot, and agreeing with my mom that Im getting over my flu, and yes I have another migraine. Hahaha I’m the strongest person I know, and I can’t believe how much this hurts. Also how little information there is on ghosting…. like theres entire chapters on what to do if there was cheating or a general break-up etc… so i’m like attaining all this general knowledge, and trying to make it relate to my own situation to help me understand and all I keep getting is “yep this sucks the person who ghosted is really selfish” and thats about it. I was just wondering if in the future you guys could touch on this a bit more maybe a different approach on the article, or even a podcast… cause it’s slim pickings on the web. Just a suggestion. Cause I really do appreciate the help, and support this site has provided thus far. I really hope I can be a success story and give a testimonial later! Cause right now I still feel very lost, but I have a been able to keep a great front up thus far! So what next?

    14. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 28, 2016 at 10:13 pm

      That’s good! Stay strong.. It’s normal that it would hurt, that’s love. Hmm.. what about this one:
      What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Ghosted You

      You have to wait a week before trying again.

    15. Olivia

      November 3, 2016 at 7:25 am

      Hi Amor, I know I have to wait a week. Wednesday will be a week, but I don’t know what to say, or what type of text to send. I’ve tead the article about 10 times, the first time was a month ago when you told me he was ghosting me. Thats what I was referring to about maybe approaching the article differently. I’m not sure how much of the rest of the information on this site is applicable to this situation. Even the EBRPro book only has about a page on ghosting and it just says its a sucky situation. My ex is intentionally ignoring me. So no contact isn’t going to make them miss me really its for me to heal… Steven left on a whim I think. I think he was way over stressed about work. I think that day I just pushed his buttons over the top by being a text gnat, and he chose to switch his humanity switch off at some point after his last text and our conversation. We never fought, communication was huge between us, he admitted he was opening up way more than he’d ever done with anybody else before. We always had a good time with eachother even on our last date 2days before he turned on me. I knew he was stressed out and tired about work, so I never pushed until that day I guess when I was texting him to let him know I was on lunch and break free to talk. Its something we’d did though that day I just got an extra break, and for once he didnt reply to me. I wish I’d never texted that day. I wish I hadnt called my mom and missed his phone call then texted him a stupid bum pic that had him calling me yelling at me for texting after he told me in the message I hadnt gotten yet to stop texting he couldnt talk he was on a very dangerous road towing a semi tractor trailer in the dark with a cliff and my texts were distracting him… I wish I had t started crying on the phone. He said you just dont get it. Youll never get it, and I was like fine I wont text while youre at work anymore. Ill wait for you to text me. Ill put it in my phone to remind me… it wasnt enough I guess.. thats when he gave me his 3 reasons why he wouldnt text me, 1.im busy, 2. Im hurt or worse, 3. Something happened to my phone it died or is lost… he said he’d call me back… 20 min later he texted me the video of the road… then thats it… nothing until i went to his apartment and he just replied “alive”. Our first fight… now nothing… I thought i was supposed to do the confession text… you said no… i dont know what type of text to use now…. we did a lot of hiking always going off trail usually it was impromptu hikes, we also ate out a lot he’d always start a match of flicking sugar packets at eachother like football fingers. He’d love to send me funny texts of different memes while he was in the shower 10ft away when Id pick him up from work with his arms covered in road grease, his clothes were funny enough always spotless. we watched scary movies together, and he’d put on soldier especially marine movies and explain thats what it was like, and tell stories, he loved forrest gump quotes, he started telling me stories about his dead brother and growing up that he said he hadnt told anyone before because remembering hurt too much usually, we both were surprised how much we trusted eachother, and how deeply we felt. According to him he wasnt a very touchy feely person before and thats what he liked about us, it felt natural to hold hands in public, kiss and hug, he’d initiate all the time. He had this hardcore badass dont mess with me type exterior and then Id walk up and he’d melt. Thats how I know he’s stubborn and guarded at the moment. We’d laugh all the time, at really dorky stupid stuff like his batman stuffed animal I told you about. He has this 3ft Ted stuffed bear his sister gave him that he loves too that he’d joke around saying it was possed like chucky. He likes the movie Ted. Our dark and light sides meshed well… We accepted eachothers quirks, enjoyed and made fun of them. I really think its just his job thats stressing him out at the moment. My one friend says Steven works like he does and its his added hours, and stress load thats pulled him away. He had no other social life but me because of his job, and the fact he had “dropped” a lot of people from his life almost 2 yrs ago now when he broke up with his cheating ex. I dont know why im telling you all this. His birthday was Oct 7th I was in no contact so I didnt send anything, todays Halloween again its not a week yet so Im not sending anything. Im trying to improve to get past this pain, to think…. I know the first text didnt work, and im sure the 2nd wont either since I dont know how to change his mood when he thinks of me. His last thoughts are probably she’s another stressor, its just better to ignore her than let her back in I already have way too much stress as it is. I was never his stressor before, I was always his stress reliever before I dont know what to do! How do I change his mood? I know you wont get this until maybe late Wednesday, and you”ve read about 50-60 depressing, frustrating, sad sob stories that are all the same, and youre tired, maybe hungry, and really just want to go home so you just write a quick comment to finish and move on, I know that feeling. I” asking for a bit more of your time, and thought though. I’ve loved and lost people before and thought I could never live without them and did stupid stuff to try and get them back only to realize years later we werent really that intune with them or connected or even right for eachother. Steven’s different. I know I can live without him, it’s like we’re puzzle pieces that fit together we have different sides that dont fit like his work right now and eventually my schooling we can both be ok if we just keep connecting the pieces around us leaving eachother as our missing lost pieces and our picture will still be able to be deciphered and will still be great but not complete not finished that one missing piece although it seemingly has only one side trully connected it connects us to 3 othersides we could be closer to that would finally complete our lifes pictures. Our story isnt done yet. We’ve just hit a snag, its not snafu or a fubar and We need your help to figure out how to reconnect even just a small hi would be all it yakes. So please help me. I know love hurts… whats strange is this time Im willing to have the patience this time to actually do what it takes to let it work out. I just need guidance and insight, he gave me the tools to unlock him before I just need help figuring out what i have and how to use them. My friends think he’s done something horrible, and he has, and I know hes done it out of pain and on a whim… his actions days hours even before this were incongruios with his silence towards me now which is I think again due to his job stress. Its litterally starting rainy season here its just going to get worse for him. We tried to prepare for it months ago when he had me help him create his rain gear bag… we got a black backpack and days later I saw a batman one of the same style he was super excited about it and swapped all his stuff into it. So even now he carries something of mine around. Im just hoping it can be a positive catalyst to him remembering we had a ton more good times than bad, but i dont know what to say in this next text to help me crack his wall, or let down his guard and make him change his mood towards me! Please help with something a bit more substantial because again I” not sure how a ghosting ex fits into the EBR program. Thank you! Happy Halloween!

    16. Olivia

      November 3, 2016 at 5:55 pm

      Hi Amor, I know I have to wait a week. Wednesday Nov 2, will be a week, but I don’t know what to say, or what type of text to send. I’ve tead the article about 10 times, the first time was a month ago when you told me he was ghosting me. Thats what I was referring to about maybe approaching the article differently. I’m not sure how much of the rest of the information on this site is applicable to this situation. Even the EBRPro book only has about a page on ghosting and it just says its a sucky situation. My ex is intentionally ignoring me. So no contact isn’t going to make them miss me really its for me to heal… Steven left on a whim I think. I think he was way over stressed about work. I think that day I just pushed his buttons over the top by being a text gnat, and he chose to switch his humanity switch off at some point after his last text and our conversation. We never fought, communication was huge between us, he admitted he was opening up way more than he’d ever done with anybody else before. We always had a good time with eachother even on our last date 2days before he turned on me. I knew he was stressed out and tired about work, so I never pushed until that day I guess when I was texting him to let him know I was on lunch and break free to talk. Its something we’d did though that day I just got an extra break, and for once he didnt reply to me. I wish I’d never texted that day. I wish I hadnt called my mom and missed his phone call then texted him a stupid bum pic that had him calling me yelling at me for texting after he told me in the message I hadnt gotten yet to stop texting he couldnt talk he was on a very dangerous road towing a semi tractor trailer in the dark with a cliff and my texts were distracting him… I wish I had t started crying on the phone. He said you just dont get it. Youll never get it, and I was like fine I wont text while youre at work anymore. Ill wait for you to text me. Ill put it in my phone to remind me… it wasnt enough I guess.. thats when he gave me his 3 reasons why he wouldnt text me, 1.im busy, 2. Im hurt or worse, 3. Something happened to my phone it died or is lost… he said he’d call me back… 20 min later he texted me the video of the road… then thats it… nothing until i went to his apartment and he just replied “alive”. Our first fight… now nothing… I thought i was supposed to do the confession text… you said no… i dont know what type of text to use now…. we did a lot of hiking always going off trail usually it was impromptu hikes, we also ate out a lot he’d always start a match of flicking sugar packets at eachother like football fingers. He’d love to send me funny texts of different memes while he was in the shower 10ft away when Id pick him up from work with his arms covered in road grease, his clothes were funny enough always spotless. we watched scary movies together, and he’d put on soldier especially marine movies and explain thats what it was like, and tell stories, he loved forrest gump quotes, he started telling me stories about his dead brother and growing up that he said he hadnt told anyone before because remembering hurt too much usually, we both were surprised how much we trusted eachother, and how deeply we felt. According to him he wasnt a very touchy feely person before and thats what he liked about us, it felt natural to hold hands in public, kiss and hug, he’d initiate all the time. He had this hardcore badass dont mess with me type exterior and then Id walk up and he’d melt. Thats how I know he’s stubborn and guarded at the moment. We’d laugh all the time, at really dorky stupid stuff like his batman stuffed animal I told you about. He has this 3ft Ted stuffed bear his sister gave him that he loves too that he’d joke around saying it was possed like chucky. He likes the movie Ted. Our dark and light sides meshed well… We accepted eachothers quirks, enjoyed and made fun of them. I really think its just his job thats stressing him out at the moment. My one friend says Steven works like he does and its his added hours, and stress load thats pulled him away. He had no other social life but me because of his job, and the fact he had “dropped” a lot of people from his life almost 2 yrs ago now when he broke up with his cheating ex. I dont know why im telling you all this. His birthday was Oct 7th I was in no contact so I didnt send anything, todays Halloween again its not a week yet so Im not sending anything. Im trying to improve to get past this pain, to think…. I know the first text didnt work, and im sure the 2nd wont either since I dont know how to change his mood when he thinks of me. His last thoughts are probably she’s another stressor, its just better to ignore her than let her back in I already have way too much stress as it is. I was never his stressor before, I was always his stress reliever before I dont know what to do! How do I change his mood? I know you wont get this until maybe late Wednesday, and you”ve read about 50-60 depressing, frustrating, sad sob stories that are all the same, and youre tired, maybe hungry, and really just want to go home so you just write a quick comment to finish and move on, I know that feeling. I” asking for a bit more of your time, and thought though. I’ve loved and lost people before and thought I could never live without them and did stupid stuff to try and get them back only to realize years later we werent really that intune with them or connected or even right for eachother. Steven’s different. I know I can live without him, it’s like we’re puzzle pieces that fit together we have different sides that dont fit like his work right now and eventually my schooling we can both be ok if we just keep connecting the pieces around us leaving eachother as our missing lost pieces and our picture will still be able to be deciphered and will still be great but not complete not finished that one missing piece although it seemingly has only one side trully connected it connects us to 3 othersides we could be closer to that would finally complete our lifes pictures. Our story isnt done yet. We’ve just hit a snag, its not snafu or a fubar and We need your help to figure out how to reconnect even just a small hi would be all it yakes. So please help me. I know love hurts… whats strange is this time Im willing to have the patience this time to actually do what it takes to let it work out. I just need guidance and insight, he gave me the tools to unlock him before I just need help figuring out what i have and how to use them. My friends think he’s done something horrible, and he has, and I know hes done it out of pain and on a whim… his actions days hours even before this were incongruios with his silence towards me now which is I think again due to his job stress. Its litterally starting rainy season here its just going to get worse for him. We tried to prepare for it months ago when he had me help him create his rain gear bag… we got a black backpack and days later I saw a batman one of the same style he was super excited about it and swapped all his stuff into it. So even now he carries something of mine around. Im just hoping it can be a positive catalyst to him remembering we had a ton more good times than bad, but i dont know what to say in this next text to help me crack his wall, or let down his guard and make him change his mood towards me! Please help with something a bit more substantial because again I” not sure how a ghosting ex fits into the EBR program. Thank you! Happy Halloween!

      So according to the texting bible it says Steven may need more time, or he may just be really stubborn so Send something short and maybe sweet…

      “Thank you for being a Bardsey with me. We always brought joy to each others lives.”

      Fyi Bardsey apples are the rarest apples in the world. It was our nicknames ( Steven, Me) that he coined before we met during one of our marathon texting sessions where we talked about anything and everything. He looked up the rarest apple after we started the nickname. He said we were that special, it was actually the first thing he ever said to me over the phone. “Hi apple.” Its also how he told me he wanted to start trying to have kids… he said he wanted to start an Orchard with me by this time we were already making love, this just took it to a new level.

      Umm here’s another text idea… “I know we’re both super busy, i just wanted to say a quick hi. I’ve been thinking about you.”

      Or the one in the book… “i just wanted you to know Ive been thinking about you.”

      Or another from the book…
      “Thank you for the love you shared with me” this one idk about… he was afraid to say i love you. I think it was because of his ex he told her that and she broke his heart in the cruelist way possible, so he’d just say I think you already know how I feel about you when I said I love you to his face when I was awake and saying it for the first time. Apparently I told him I loved him in my sleep at first then he teased me saying “somebodys caught feelings” until I finally told him I do love him, but I didnt want to be the first to say it out loud. The orchard talk came out later. And he was the first to bring that and marriage up.

      Ok so how about this one “i know we’re both busy, but I just wanted to let you know I’ve been thinking about you, and all the fun and joy we always had together no matter the stress of the outside world.”

      Do you have any better ideas? Which should I use, And why that one as opposed to the others? Also why was the I have a confession one not chosen for the first text after no contact?

      This is really important to me.
      Thank you.

    17. Olivia

      November 3, 2016 at 5:58 pm

      Sorry I didnt realize the first time I sent the message it saved! The site had me go back and reenter the captcha Oops!!! I added on the 2nd one some of the texts I was thinking of…

    18. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 5, 2016 at 10:11 am

      It’s ok Olivia! Dont worry, I actually read the whole comments always. Sometimes,I forgot some parts of it but most of the time that’s because I only remember the most important points.

      When you’re ghosted, it’s either he’s a coward, jerk, or he got tired and annoyed with you.. whatever it is of the three, it would be better to do a no contact.. but if the reason of him ghosting you was that he was a jerk, you cant do anything about it..

      It looks like his reason was the last, and you said it yourself he might see you as another stressor..That means he has to see first that you wont chase anymore..honestly, from his last text, it just looks like he doesnt want to talk anymore. He wants you to move on..

      since it’s been a long time since he ghosted you, I think you should try to send that confession. You’ll know what to do after that because as you said, he’s soft when it comes to that..He will either tell you to move on or soften up and try again

  13. JBC

    July 15, 2016 at 3:50 pm

    Hi, me and my ex just broke up solely due to distance as I am moving to a different city than our university for an internship next year. I did ask to make sure it was solely distance and he said yes and that he wouldn’t lie to me (we’ve been friends for a long time and were together 9 months) and that he just couldn’t do distance.
    We’ve been in contact on and off, but I don’t know what to do for the best?
    Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 15, 2016 at 6:52 pm

      HI JBC,

      YOu should do active no contact.. and click this link: The complete guide to getting an ex boyfriend back in a long distance relationship

  14. Elizabeth

    June 19, 2016 at 2:30 am

    I thought this was really good. But I do have one question. When I talk to my ex boyfriend it is really awkward. Like a 10 minute awkward silence. Even when we were together it was awkward to talk to him. So my question is how do I make less awkward when we talk? I try to make conversation with him but again still awkward. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 21, 2016 at 6:51 am

      HI Elizabeth

      do you mean talk personally or in texts?

    2. Elizabeth

      June 29, 2016 at 2:04 am

      Talking to him in person. When we text we are fine. But when we get together it’s awkward.

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 29, 2016 at 4:01 pm

      it’d means there’s not enough rapport..

    4. Elizabeth

      June 30, 2016 at 2:05 am

      What does that mean? Rapport????

    5. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 1, 2016 at 11:37 am

      it means there’s not enough connection built when you’re texting.. yeah, it’s fine but I think it has to be great so that when you meet you have something to continue talking about.. coz at first, yes it will awkward but it will get less awkward as you talk coz it will sound like how you are when texting.

    6. Elizabeth

      July 2, 2016 at 2:43 am

      Okay. So what are some steps to help me improve my rapport with him. I mean he still likes me. Well he still loves me. And I trying to decide how I feel about him. He knows things about my past so I have that wall up. And he is okay with it. He says he will wait. How do I know if I want to be with him?

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 12:24 pm

      I think you need to assess first if you really want him or not, coz even if he’s not bothered now woth your walls it looks like that’s what’s stopping you open up and have fun

    8. Elizabeth

      July 4, 2016 at 9:17 pm

      Okay. What are some steps to help me with that and the rapport.

    9. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 5, 2016 at 4:59 am

      let your guard down and talk about what interesting for him ot the topics that he loves talking about

    10. Elizabeth

      July 5, 2016 at 11:24 pm

      Okay. What are some general topics that will be good to start a conversation?

    11. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 6, 2016 at 9:25 am

      list the topics that he loves talking about and his interests

    12. Elizabeth

      July 7, 2016 at 12:41 am

      Well what if one of those topics and interest is about me. I don’t like being the center of things all the time.

    13. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 7, 2016 at 3:54 pm

      about you? if he likes talking about you then that’s good but more commonly, people like talking about themselves and what they love

    14. Elizabeth

      July 7, 2016 at 5:01 pm

      Okay. Sometimes it’s hard to get to know him. Because he is autistic but you would have never known. And we have dated a couple of times. But everytime I broke it off. I think I’m just scared of relationships because I don’t want to get hurt. I have had trauma in the past and I know that’s why I have walls.

    15. Elizabeth

      July 15, 2016 at 2:04 am

      It’s been a little over a week with no response for my comment above. Are you still there?

    16. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 15, 2016 at 5:10 pm

      yes Elizabeth.. sorry I didn’t think it needed a response.. I thought it was just a reaction to my comment before that.. have you let your walls down and noticed what most of his interests are?

    17. Elizabeth

      July 17, 2016 at 2:12 am

      That’s okay. So wat are some questions to ask myself to see if I should go out with it to see if he is the one for me.

    18. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 17, 2016 at 6:25 pm

      you’ll get hurt no matter what.. because that’s how relationships work.. being on guard always shuns other people and may cause you to be inauthentic too.. just enjoy and get to know the other person, be curious and learn from him..
      just keep your head with your heart. if a guy does something wrong, be observant but don’t be quick to judge until you’re more sure with your doubts..

      there are a lot of people in the world…as in.. if you go out more and do more of the things that you love, you’ll meet a lot of guys who love the things that you love too.. That way, it will make you realize that it’s fun to get to know others and that one bad person doesn’t mean most of the other people are bad too.. meeting more people and being with the good ones, helps you realize that it’s ok to lose one bad relationship to give way for a good one..and it also teaches you that all of us are different, so be more curious..

    19. Elizabeth

      July 23, 2016 at 2:13 am

      So my mom says every time I talk about this one ex my eye light up. And I just want to know if that is a sign that I like him or love him?

    20. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 23, 2016 at 1:40 pm

      hmm it is.. but you should be more sure about what you feel because you’re the one feeling it

  15. Natalie

    March 5, 2016 at 2:59 pm

    We were together for about 3 yrs, coming up on our 3rd year anniversary he told me he couldnt do this anymore an that he loved me soo much an i am his best friend and he cried for days and days, he never does that ever! He said hes not even sure if hes makn right decision, but we cant be together everyday and cant relocate, either one of us right now, and its hard to not be together like we should, so when we first met we were inseparable and together everyday for the first year an half of our relationship, and lived together, we both have 3 children, and we all got along great! By the time we got into the one an half year mark, he got a chance to go back to florida for a great job, an thats where he grew up, and lived before meeting me. So he went, i flew and saw him as much as i could, and we were doing great! It was hard but we did it, and we had both shared so much emotionally, i helped him thru alot and he did same for me, we were soo close, and had so many amazing memories, when we got together he was really hurt by an ex an scarred, i helped him become more like his old self, and we just were soo much to eachother on soo many levels, my goal is to move, and not loose him, and get him back, when he broke up w me i flew there to be with him for 2 days, and everything was good we talked alot and i tryd to be okay with it, but im not, he talked to me the first few days after breakup i was a mess, and then he now doesnt want to talk that much about emotional stuff, he still text me an tells me things, our lives were soo much together, so its hard to not talk as much, i want him to feel like we can still be together but i dont know how? He truly was my one! And im jus lost and he said he wants to be there for me thru everything an anything, i did send him letter telln him i accept breakup, and didnt say anything emotional or clingy, he replied and said it was soo nice and that il always have him an he knows il b there for him still. I just cant let him go in my mind an heart, i dont know how to handle this?

    1. Natalie

      March 5, 2016 at 3:26 pm

      I have absolutely no one to turn to, and really could use someone to talk to! Without that i feel like im a wreck and il never be okay, i appreciate this site so much, but is there resources that dont cost a ton to just have someone to talk to? About relationships and getting them back possibly? I would really appreciate any help i can find!

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 6, 2016 at 6:02 am

      Hi Natalie,

      you can comment here whenever you want, we’ll reply as soon as we can.. other commenters sometimes reply too..

      did you break up because of the distance?

    3. Natalie

      March 6, 2016 at 2:16 pm

      Part of the reason was for the distance and not being able to see eachother as much, he told me it wasnt fair to either of us, but he wants to still be my best friend, i didnt mind our distance tho, because in my heart i knew we were together, he wants me to be able to have a life, an said right now we cant be together because ultimately i cant relocate to where he is for about 5 yrs, due to children and ex, he never crys and cried for days about doing this an kept sayn he just has to stick to the decision. He knows what he means to me an he knows that i dont want this, i feel like im going to loose him forever and i dont know how to just stop my feelings after 3 yrs together, i wish i knew how i could have a heart to heart conversation about this, with him. I may have an opportunity to move there sooner, its always been my dream and i basically grew up in florida myself, like him. My children father wants to make the move possibly and so do i. But my ex told me that when we broke up, he didnt want to give me false hope, but doesnt know what will happen if we have another chance in future, he said he was being perfectly honest an didnt want to give me false hope, but i feel so lost and want to fix things with him badly! I just dont know what to do? We were soo much to one another and i dont understand how someone can turn off feelings so fast?

  16. Natalie

    March 5, 2016 at 4:16 am

    Chris, i desperately need some relationship help and advice about my boyfriend that just broke up with me! I litterally feel like I cant move on and its destroying me inside! Please help me!!!
    Cant eat, sleep, feel like im dying inside!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 5, 2016 at 10:27 am

      Hi Natalie,
      what’s your story?

    2. Natalie

      March 6, 2016 at 2:24 pm

      We also were very close to eachothers children and it breaks my heart when my kids ask about him and want to talk to him, and his children always want to talk to me, his childrens mother is completely out of the picture, and i got so close to his kids, and he was always the loner type, but he also said that he is gettn older now and wants someone there everyday and to be able to have companionship everyday, and he knows how bad i want it too, but how can i let him know that we should try to work on this so i can be the one for him? I always felt true love will work itself out an find a way, but to me id do anything for this, and him, and id wait forever for him if i had to, what we had was completely everything to me, and he knows it, how can i fix this? And how can i make this easier for kids, they love and miss him too, and its heartbreaking, and i dont know what or how he is doing with telling his children, but i know that they ask about me constantly!

    3. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 7, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      if distance was just partly the reason, what was really the reason? because you have to address that to yourself.. and also when did you break up?

  17. Hannah

    February 9, 2016 at 12:02 pm

    Hey Chris,
    Can you write something on how to talk to your ex, if he has someone (like a friend or something) who tells him what to do or what to say?
    Because I feel that’s my case. For me, its this woman who sits next to him at work, and she has fed him with thoughts that have convinced him that I’m not worth his time..so I’m sure I can’t approach in the same way.(nothing romantic is going on between them, she’s older to him)

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      Thanks for the suggestion hannah! I’ll forward this to him!

  18. M

    December 28, 2015 at 6:00 am

    Hey Chris,
    First, thank you for the website. It’s been a huge comfort to read. My boyfriend broke up with me two weeks ago and it’s helped me feel better about getting back to myself and thinking positive about the future (whether he ends up being in it or not). The one major thing on my mind right now is something I’m not even sure is going to happen, but have this gut feeling it might. I’ve been traveling for the last 3-4 mo. and haven’t seen him since October. Since the break-up, I haven’t gone NC with him yet because I need him to drop off my things and pick up his, but have kept it limited and will do NC after that happens when I get back into town this week. The issue is that he was asking me what time my flight would get back and if I would have any trouble getting into my place. I told him it was all fine, but I got the feeling he might show up at the airport. If that does happen (and I’m crossing my fingers it doesn’t so I can be better prepared (and dressed) for the first time I see him in months), how would you recommend I act or handle the 40+ min. train ride to get home? Sorry if I missed something on here about how to handle surprises!

  19. Anya

    October 27, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    What if I don’t have any welcome in my life for him? I’m letting him come over this weekend to get his shit that he was sposed to get back in march. Shit that, mind you, was not at my place until stupid me goes to his place to get my clothes & doesn’t check the bag to make sure everythings there and nothings added. My guy bestie thinks he pulled that on purpose. This guy used to be my best friend, 5 years and he was my sidekick. I wasnt sure about dating him because I was afraid to lose one of my best friends, he promised he’d be there and 2 weeks later I’m blocked on fb and instagram. He’s not the first person in my life to walk like that so I got a handle on that. I didn’t blow up his phone or bother stopping in to say hey when I hit town. I did however interpret his actions to cance out his word. He’d promised to still be my friend. He lied. And in my opinion, a man is nothing without his word. Adding to that, our mutual pal drove out to my place and get stuck on the highway 10 min from his house. She was pregnant and had her 2 year old or she wouldve just walked into town and when she called him? He said he wouldnt help her he was mad at her-for reasons he didnt say and this was the only inclination she got about it-what kind of “man” does that?! Definitely not one worth my time. So last night he texts me asking what my plans are for the weekend. I asked why. He decides to be “cute” and quote me like it’s funny “just to make you ask questions”. after his stubborn & “i think im cute” approach I tried once more to understand why, after all this time, he thinks he needs to know what my plans are before I stopped replying. Which triggers him to tell me he wants more than 5 minutes with me when he grabs his crap. I agreed to let him come over, I didnt ask why he wanted more time cause I dont really think Im interested in the answer and I didnt promise him more time. I ended the conversation. Then he texts me this morning wanting to talk small like “how did you sleep?”. I don’t want to know how to talk to my ex to be friends or get back together, I want to know how to talk to him so that my words dont smolder him. You can earn forgiveness when you burn me, but he crossed our girl buddy and her innocent child. Without reason. He’s a very little man for that. He’s not the type to earn back our trust either, he’d put in a few efforts and then think all the years of friendship (that he walked out on) were enough and expect his place back in my asspocket. I dont trust him, I know he wont work to earn trust, so I dont want him in my life. And I’m an asshole without a filter but coming off like that might just seem like “im only angry and maybe try again later” instead of “just stop & get out”. How do I relay that?

  20. Baffled

    September 19, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    Hey Chris!
    How do you recommend I handle talking to an ex that’s being quite cold all of a sudden?

    He wasn’t being cold a few days ago but I started talking to him today and it’s all 3-5 word messages, very low energy and lacking in enthusiasm. I thought it might have been in my head until I asked what he was up to today and his response was “I have a migraine.”. Seen as he’s pulled hot and cold on me a few times in the past, I got fed up and responded with “Get better soon.” and left the conversation.

    He’s now messaged me with saying thank you and asking what I’m doing today. Should I answer back?
    I feel weird being pleasant and confident when he’s acting like I’m bothering him.

  21. Rebecca

    September 14, 2015 at 9:43 am

    I am doing no contact at the moment. Only on day 4. But just wondering about conversation topics for after the no contact period is over… Is there any particular topics I should avoid talking about?

    Like for example, I want more answers for why the break up happened in the first place (because to me it was totally out of the blue, we only got engaged in December, booked our wedding venue in June, he drew the kind of cake he wanted in my wedding scrapbook in the July then he broke up with me in August) and whether he has moved on to a new girl like I suspect?

    Should I just avoid these topics and accept that I may never be given the answers I am searching for? Just because I imagine it’s a touchy subject and my ex doesn’t deal with talking about serious topics very well and I imagine me pressing for these answers will push him away further rather than build up the attraction etc., that I will be wanting to build up.

    Also I think one of our issues is he didn’t think I was very supportive of his job (which in all honesty I wasn’t. I was supportive of his overall dreams but I was trying to suggest his current job wasn’t the best for achieving them). Therefore should I avoid any conversations to do with his work… or would I still be able to pop in a generic ‘how’s work been?’ occasionally? Or would he be thinking I’m asking him that hoping he’s not doing very well there and wants to leave?

    Any help would be great!! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Thanks!

  22. Katie

    July 29, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Hi Chris.

    I saw my ex on Sunday after a month of NC at his sister’s baby shower. It was awkward at first. He told me he thought I hated him because I de friended him on Facebook and told one of our mutual friends that I was pissed for the reasons he broke up with me. From there conversation got less and less tense. After the shower we went back to his house. We hooked up, I know I know I shouldn’t have done that, and things got less tense. We talked about the flawed reasoning behind why he broke up with me; it didn’t feel like it did in the honeymoon phase, that he couldn’t marry me for years, and wanting a wife that has job too (we discussed that topic a lot because he never believed I wanted a job because when we first met I said I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom which changed as our relationship did). Things went pretty well. He listened to me the whole time. I told him over again I don’t want to go back to that toxic relationship but would move on to a new one with him. Everything was cool. He asked me to still look at other guys and that if he feels he has a change of heart he will come back to me (when he broke up he said he would never be in a relationship with me again). So big improvement. After that we talked like when we first met for 3 hours. It was late so he talked to me on my drive home since I live 40 min away from him. Well I thought that was a good start and I didn’t want to push it so I was planning on not talking to him again for a couple of days. Well that was quickly changed when our friend told me to ask him to go to six flags with our group of friends because it would mean more. I did relunctantly and tried to keep it short and sweet. Well my ex decided to continue to txt me through yesterday. He was responding back in a couple minutes and really involved in the conversation. Well he started taking subjects that weren’t about us or our relationship as me guilt tripping him. It lead to a fight on txt and a fight on the phone. He told me he wasn’t going to come back to me if I guilt him but when he feels like he should. It ended with him moody and me crying. I sent an apology txt this morning thinking clear the air and take a couple steps back into NC again for a while since he obviously still feels the pain and ugliness of breaking up. But he has tentatively been sending me messages through out the morning. I am not pushing any talking just letting him do what needs be. What should I do? I don’t want him thinking negatively about me.

  23. Maria

    May 29, 2015 at 5:35 pm

    I don’t fully want to tell my story. Let’s say I’ve dated my best friend. We never were in the friendzone, we just took things very slowly. We started dating during deployment. When he came home things were great for a couple of months then I let fear take over and began acting differently. We broke up because he wasn’t as happy as before. We cried and came to that conclusion after an hour of talking. We said we loved each other. He told me to text him and keep one of his favorite shirts. We still talk, just not as much. Pretty sure I freaked him out at first. Well all in all he invited me to go to a concert with him and I’m not sure what it means. I’ve moved on with my life but I still hope he and I can work things out.

  24. Becca

    May 4, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    So my ex and I work together. I’m trying the NC rule but every time we are on breaks together he tries talking to me. For example I’m by my locker getting my water bottle he walks by me and ask if I like the new water bottle work gave me. I just say yes and move on with my day? Is this breaking the NC rule?

  25. Aimee

    April 17, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Dear Chris,

    I have completed three months of no contact with my ex boyfriend, and have texted him about three weeks ago whether I could get my stuff back. (We both still go to our parents’ houses in the weekend, which are in the same town about eight houses apart from each other.) He replied that that was fine, but texted two days later that he was not able to take the stuff with him that weekend because his suitcase was already very full. I stayed cool and replied that that was fine, and that I would appreciate it if he would let me know when he would bring it with him.

    It is now three weeks later and I still haven’t heard from him. I am starting to get a little bit annoyed with him and really am urged to text him, telling him that I want him to bring my things back and that I am very annoyed with him using me as his puppet. However, on the other hand I do not want to ruin all the work that I have done.

    Please Chris, what should I do?

    Aimรฉe

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 20, 2015 at 8:38 pm

      Hm.. usually I say you are allowed to break NC for this but the fact that you are so far along I say wait until after your decide to end it before asking for the stuff.

      UNLESS it is really vital that you have it.

  26. Destiney

    March 11, 2015 at 11:19 pm

    I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year then we had an argument for some stupid reason. Next thing you know, he is going out with my best friend after we so called broke up. So know they are going out and I really want him back. His girlfriend is still is trying to be my friend again but I had already told her that’s not going to happen. He so called said that he didn’t trust me but he trusted her. I have told him every thing that has happened o me in this lifetime, but he still doesn’t trust me. He said he trusts her. Please help me I don’t know what to do.

  27. JJ

    March 5, 2015 at 8:47 am

    HOLY SHIT ITS WORKING! 5 months since breakup- ended a month of NC in January, a few casual encounters, some short text chats, and tonight First long conversation that he actually initiated, i got him engaged the most when we were talking about music- a passion of his,i ended the convo on a high point, and he wants to make plans to hang out and collaborate on some new stuff he’s working on(which would be a first for us cause when together i was never that involved in his music, this would be a “new” experience for us..),he even specified which days would work best before saying goodnight back- good yeah? tips on how to keep the ball rolling?

  28. Iris

    February 27, 2015 at 3:03 am

    my ex boyfrend loved me once but afrer few months we broke up..i saw,him flirting with other girls in the class i did not contact him for 1month then i broke up my silence and asked him sorry yes,some were it was my fault… but now he is showing his attitude i just want to show him that what he has lost i want him to realise how important i was?? tats it

  29. hana

    January 29, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    hello,

    i really need your help, cz im desperate ๐Ÿ™

    my bf and i met threw a friend in commun and weve been dating for 1yr and a half.he is 32 yrs old and im 30yrs old.we live 1,089 miles away from each others.since the first day we met we talked about the problems we might face bcz of the distance between us,but he always used to tell me that if we keep thinking positively and using our minds we will be able to face all the distance.before meeting me he used to tell me that he doesnt believe in LDR.but after meeting me he completely changed his mind.we used to meet every 2 to 3 months.he used to visit my town to see me and see his family.we used to skype every night for hours and texting during the day.plus we used to share our moments together by photos.when we used to meet, we used to try to meet as much as we can during his stay in my town.he even introduced me to all his family and friends and met my family as well.we also planned a trip with his sisters and enjoyed our time together.everything was good between us. he used to miss me from time to time while we are apart.one day he asked me if i can join him for a cruise trip he was going with his friends.i wanted to go and spend time with him but i wasnt sure since his friends are all married couples and we were the only couple that arent even engaged,and that wasnt an easy step for me since my family didnt like that idea too much.so i talked to him and told him honestly that i really wana go with him but my parents started nagging and asking about where our relationship is going to.they were worried about me cz they know how sensitive i am and wont accept any broke up.so i decided not to join him in that trip.everything continued in a gd way between us till one day he felt he was confused,and told me he doesnt know whats wrong with him,he even doesnt know what he really want.but told me that he wants help and willing to go to see a pshychologist and said he doesnt want to lose me.and he accepted to meet so we can spend time together and therefore test his feelings. and thats what happened,he came for 4 days and had the most amazing 4 days,we had lovely moments together and wheile we were together he told me how much he loves me and that he is now sure about his feelings.he traveled back to his home and was feeling his love and told me that he is now thinking more about us. 3 weeks later,i felt he changed again.he told me he really needs to think what he really wants.he told me when we are together he feels he is in love with me, but when we are far his love is fading.while being nervous i told him u have 1 week to think well whenether you want me and ready for a serious relationship or to end it.at first he didnt agree with me cz he said he cant take a decision in 1 week, but after that he decided to take a week and think.i felt so bad ahter telling him that.i tried to call him during that week but he wasnt answering my calls or my msgs.after that week he told me that he took his decisions and doesnt want to continu in that realtionship.we were skyping while he was telling about his decision and i was crying too much in front of the cam.i tried to tell him to think again about his decision and wait till he comes again to meet,but he was stubborn and wasnt able to make him change his mind.although he told me he wishes to see me after 2 weeks cause he was coming to see his parents.when he came we met, i tried to talk to him and convince him to give our relationship a chance but he said he took his decision and wont change his mind.i was crying too much that day in front of him.and when i asked him he doesnt feel anything anymore toward me,he said he still have feelings but wont change his decision.he told me he will call me when he comes again to my town in 2 weeks to see me! and when his family and relatives asked him about me he kept answering that i am good and we spent the day together!!i dont know why he didnt have the courage to tell them that we broke up. they all love me so much and they will never accept to see us breaking up. when he traveled i didnt talk to him for 9 days. i was trying to give him space believing that if he feels that he lost me he will come back. but nothing happened. i felt down and started texting him telling him how much i love him and how much im in pain bcz we broke up. he was so rude,he tried to tell me to do my best to overpass my sadness and that i dont deserve him. my friend who introduced us to each other tried to talk to him, but he remian stubborn and wasnt even trying to give hope to our relationship.

    he is coming to my town in 3 days. i feel i need to see him but i dont know how to act after sending him messages telling him how rude he is and that he broke my heart.but i need to see him,i want to try to be that funny girl he used to love and used to spend hours with her.

    please i need your advise. how should i tell him i need to see him and when he accepts to see me how should i behave to make him think again about love. how can i make LDR work and let his love grow even when he travels back. i know LDR isnt easy,but i am not able to understand his decision especially that he really feels he is in love with me so much when we are together

    please help me,i love him so much and i cant live without him ๐Ÿ™

    thank you

    1. hana

      January 29, 2015 at 2:36 pm

      unfortunately, that i tried to see him during Christmas vacation, we went out, had wine together in a restaurant and laughed soo much together, but when i tried to talk to him about us and to give our relationship a new chance he didnt agree and still didnt give me a real reason why we broke up. all he said that distance is his prob. so after few weeks i took a decirion to travel to his country to be able to stay together, i was shocked that he wasnt happy anymore with my decision. he became heartless and i dont know anymore what to do to stimulate his heart again

    2. admin

      January 30, 2015 at 3:27 pm

      Long distance relationships aren’t easy but I know you can do it.

      (I did it before!)

    3. hana

      February 2, 2015 at 8:58 am

      you mean i can get over him or get him back!? if getting over him, its been almost 7 months and still feeling in love with him every day ๐Ÿ™

    4. admin

      February 2, 2015 at 2:48 pm

      Make long distance work!

    5. hana

      February 3, 2015 at 8:46 am

      any new advise on how to make my ex give a chance to our relationship? his heart really became rude. im willing to send him on valentines day a photo album that contains all our photos, any recommendations?

    6. Kera

      March 27, 2015 at 7:49 pm

      I am in the same boat and thinking about going back to his country but now that you said he’s still heartless. I feel a deep hole in my chest.

      What happened? Did you go? Did it work out?

  30. Rachel

    January 26, 2015 at 7:18 am

    I did NC for a few weeks, and then was out of town for a couple more weeks. When I got back we started to see each other again. My question is, when do you have “the talk” about getting back together? I mean I have been seeing my ex, spending time with him for a few weeks now, and we have even begun being flirtatious, etc. We even have said we love each other. Should I just wait until he brings it up? What if he spends the night?

    1. admin

      January 26, 2015 at 4:07 pm

      Once you have the bf primed enough to know he will agree to it.

  31. Ruby

    November 10, 2014 at 5:18 am

    Can you please give me some examples of “appropriate vocabulary” that I can use in a text messege? ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. admin

      November 20, 2014 at 3:19 pm

      This website is full of them (the ebooks too!)

  32. Eas

    April 23, 2014 at 2:34 am

    ill try and make this as short and to the point as I can.
    Ex of 4 years ended things about 5 months ago right before he left on exchange program to Europe (reasons pertaining to fear of settling down and probably wanting to “have fun” in Europe). In his time there, he has contacted me almost every 3 weeks (seriously..like almost to the date). I often wait a while to answer, and when I do I answer his questions, throw in something funny to make him smile and kind of put an end to it. I’ve been proud of myself cuz iv never once contacted him and anytime we’v contacted iv remained strong.
    In his latest attempt to reach out to me, we had the usual mini convo but he read my message and hasn’t responded. I’m just annoyed because he is the one always reaching out to me, and then playing games by not responding? What the heck?! (should note that he comes back in less than a month)

    Im at a point where Im just annoyed. What the hell is he trying to do? WHy is he contacting me and what does he want from me? I do still care about him and part of me wants him back but this is too childish. How do I get the power back? Should I just responding?

    1. admin

      April 23, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      Well, NC is a good thing to start…

    2. Eas

      April 23, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      Oh hes not going to be hearing from me, im too busy for these kind of games. As a guy can you tell me why/what he’s doing

    3. Eas

      April 30, 2014 at 9:02 pm

      So wait what’s he trying to do? Why message me then not respond?…and do I not contact at all until he contacts me again (if he does)

    4. Chrissy g p

      May 28, 2014 at 4:01 pm

      Similar playing games situation..that’s how it comes off. He text crazes my phone and calls when I ignore, same like I just did when I posted in trying not to look desperate section but screwed up(Chris has yet to read..sry Chris) and did the same thing by texting and calling if I was ignored.so clearly both of us hate being ignored. I’m so confused. Breakup has been four months as of June 4. Chris knows the situation as I’ve posted multiple times and yet again. Lol.

  33. Kerry

    March 25, 2014 at 1:47 am

    Ok, sorry this is long…

    So my boyfriend and I dated for 5 1/2 years. 4 of these years were long distance, as we were in college and he was a year ahead of me. We had a really great relationship, but the long distance was incredibly hard on me, and in my last year I was faced with the decision between staying with him or enjoying a year of college and figuring out who I had become and what I wanted to do with my life without any attachments tying me down. At this point, the long distance had worn on me so much that I started to hold it against him and resented him for “putting me through” whatever pain I was in (I knew this was stupid, but it was how I felt). He recognized this too and wanted what was best for me as well, so we decided to break up, very mutually.
    At the time, it didn’t seem real because we both still loved each other and it seemed like we would get back together when we were back in the same location.
    It has now been a year since the break up. The first six months we remained very close, and only saw other people very casually. Then he got a girlfriend- “trying to figure out how to get over me”. Of course, because we were not together, I was ‘okay’ with this, although still a pretty sad because I still could not look at other guys that seriously. I still wanted to remain friends, but didn’t want to step on anyone’s toes so I backed off a bit. The last conversation we had, he expressed that he wanted to keep me in his life, no matter what our relationship was, and I agreed. A week later, out of the blue, we stopped talking. I asked him how his concert went, he said “it was good” and that was the last time we made contact. That was 6 months ago.
    I have no idea what happened, but I want to give him space if he wants to get over me (ugh). Every single day I want to talk to him. I am now dating someone else and even though the guy is amazing, I still cannot get over my feelings for my ex. I want to be with him if he still wants to be with me. If he doesn’t, I still want to be friends. Regardless, I will not be in the same state as him for another 4 months.
    Randomly, his mother contacted my mother the other day to catch up, and mentioned that she cannot mention my name around him without him getting misty eyed.
    Should I contact him? I’m nervous he wants to get over me and wants his space, but honestly I don’t know! I don’t know if he still has a girlfriend and I don’t know if he would want to be my friend. I don’t know how or what to text him. Any advice?

    1. admin

      March 25, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      ARe the two of you still long distance?

    2. kerry

      March 26, 2014 at 1:03 am

      Currently, yes. I will be moving back to the same area in July.

  34. JayKay

    March 21, 2014 at 8:43 pm

    My bf and I dated for 1 1/2 yrs. More like FWB- he invited me to go on a trip with him to his island country in Dec. but before we left I told him I wouldn’t see him again because I found condoms in his jeans. He begged me to give him a chance, go on this trip and he said “we can make it official if you want” after days of me ignoring him, him sending me flowers I finally gave in to a dinner invite where we made things official and weeks later we enjoyed an awesome trip! I had to come back 2 weeks before he did, and when he came back, he said he wanted us to take things “slow” because he was going through a lot and still grieving his moms death (only been 7 months). “Be friends” and “start all over”. It’s been 2 months since and he doesn’t show intent to take things back to how they were; no dates, me staying over, no invite to family or friend get togethers like before. I on the other hand have tried to agree to being his “friend” but asked him to give me a cool-off period but he gets angry when I try to cut him off. No we have not been intimate since I came back from our trip. After a recent 2 week no contact period and him trying to reach me, I gave in and said I’d be there if he needed me as a “friend”. –I stumbled across all these articles which were beyond fascinating! And my question to you is, should I go into NC mode now? Do I tell/warn him that I am or will be in NC mode? Surely he’ll wonder why after saying I would be his friend all of a sudden I’m not responding to his texts/calls.. and lastly, if I go on NC mode, the “initial” text to reach out to him might not be responded to by something he’d find “compelling” rather, knowing him, he will be angry and bombard me with questions about why I suddently ignored him after telling him I’d be his friend.

    Please advise.

    1. admin

      March 22, 2014 at 6:20 pm

      Read this: http://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-get-your-ex-boyfriend-back-version-2-0/

      I kind of talk about how to deal with that.

  35. Rietta

    March 13, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    -I screwed up a week ago…I called him and it ended up lasting too long, thirty minutes.
    -While the conversation started on a high note, it later hit some touchy points (no fighting though).
    -did no contact one month directly after breakup; its now three months, very little contact.
    -I asked him to hang out, he said “yea sure text me”. I texted him and he said he was too busy. I said I was also too busy and asked if he wanted to hang out in a week and he said he might be still busy.

    I feel like it’s all me chasing him (and I’m not trying to win him back, I just miss him as a friend). How do I gain back power and do I ask to hang out again later??? Please reply

    1. Rietta

      March 13, 2014 at 7:41 pm

      Please reply :)))

  36. Season

    March 10, 2014 at 10:49 pm

    After NC for 3 months, finally texting again and he wants to see me.

    However, been trying to arrange phone calls and I kept flaking out bc things keep coming up (not intentional from my part).

    Today he’s getting frustrated and told me “last chance”.

    Is it a threat? Should I be worried?

  37. Rose Marie

    February 28, 2014 at 1:31 am

    My boyfriend (25) and I (21) had been together a little under two years. After being together for a year, he broke up with me but then came back in tears two weeks later. Now, a month ago, he has broken up with me again.
    Here’s the thing, he says he was “in love” with me up until the last 2 or 3 weeks of the relationship. He said that he didn’t see him self marrying me, we werent compatible, and that he loved me but not as much as I loved him.
    As far as marriage goes, we didnt want it any time soon, but just a few months ago he said he saw a future and kids with me. And compatibility, we did almost everything together. With friends and alone at home (we lived together). I don’t know how he flipped the love switch so fast.
    We had no problems till the last week of the relationship. They were minor though, like taking a joke too far and annoying the other person and then not wanting to talk about it. We would go to work and then come back and be sweet to each other.
    It has been a month and I’ve been doing a lot of NC. Until I saw him at the grocery store yesterday and we had a small conversation. I just asked how he was doing, about his aunt’s health, etc. Towards the end I asked him if he would meet up with me sometime and he said sure. Then I said it was nice to see him, he said likewise, and I left.
    I want to restore the relationship. Do I wait for him to call me to meet up? What if he doesn’t?
    Is there anything more I can do?
    Also, as a guy, can you understand why he might be doing what he is doing? Commitment issues? Wants to play the field? Never loved me to begin with?( i really think he did. Even during the time he said he wasn’t in love)
    As far as being happy with his decision, I don’t know if he is. I know he goes out with his best friend a lot, mutual friends say he is getting drunk a lot, and he has been working out a lot and lost weight.
    Help?

  38. Rose Marie

    February 28, 2014 at 1:10 am

    So my ex boyfriend and I have been separated a month now. Our first break up was after dating a year and our second one was after being back together for 6 months. He admitted to being in love with me just month or less before before breaking up with me. So something within the last 2 weeks of our relationship went wrong. We had minor annoyances the last week of the relationship but (while we didnt apologize or talk about it) would get over it and then act normal again. Until we went to bed annoyed at each other the last day of the relationship and he broke up with me the next morning saying he didn’t see himself marrying me, we aren’t compatible, he loves me but not as much as I love him.
    A few months ago, he did see himself marrying me. We always did everything together and had great fun- alone and with friends. So I do think compatibility isn’t an issue.

    For this whole month we’ve been mostly NC especially the last two weeks. Yesterday I ran into him at the store (he’s been working out and looks great, but friends say he has been getting drunk a lot). We talked, and had a brief conversation. I asked him a few questions and he gave me cordial answers. I asked him if he would meet up sometime and he said sure. Then I told him it was nice seeing him, he said “likewise” and I walked away.

    Do I wait for him to call me to meet up? What more can I do to get him back or make him want to call me? We had a great relationship where and accepted each other. We didn’t break up with anger or anything.
    I don’t know if he has commitment issues to get so uncomfortable with the relationship so fast or what. Can you give me some advice on what I can do?

    1. admin

      February 28, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      Have you read my latest guide?

  39. Vt

    February 25, 2014 at 1:11 am

    Hi Chris! I think I really can use your advise on my situation…
    I was with my boyfriend for 7 years…I mean ex boyfriend. Went thru a lot and when it’s got to much just kind of split up. He moved 2 min up to road so he hate it o be away…
    We was trying to get back a lot of times through out the year…But every time end up bring up past…
    Till I just decided to move away, don’t talk to him for almost 2 months…even changed my phone…
    We are never said good bye or admit we are over…Both of us kind of hoped we worked it out..
    Like you said he was behaving mean sometimes, out of pain and feelings he still had. And I just was to stupid not o understand why…Till I actually read everything on your side.
    After almost 2 month I e-mail it to him…he did respond, sense it was just regular nothing specific e-mails..But then he told me he has met someone…
    I got confused, he met her after 3 weeks we just spend nights together…
    When I called, he said he was absolutely sure we done, sense I left.
    And when I ask about how serious he is about her…
    He said “it’s new, feels good and he happy” but he also said, part of him never stop loving me, and always be.
    We try to txt back and fourth..but it’s kind of hard…considering.
    When I prepose just block or delete each other, he said its not necessary.
    I mean I understand he is with someone and in “Haney moon ” stage..
    But even he saying he can’t respond to me when he is with her…He said when I txt she hears his phone vibrate and it’s cost some problems…I ask if I don’t know when he is with her, why he just don’t shut phone off…He said he reading everything and don’t want to shut phone off.
    And after couple of days we kind of agree on no contact rule…he said he need it.. And I think it’s much better for me not to be in the middle, when he is still so into her..
    I did took time to think things thru and see how bad I behaved and what I did wrong..and let go of everything…I took counseling and now know better. I did apologize to him for everything, even tho both of us wasn’t right…but it’s no matter anymore.
    Do you think after another no contact, I will have a chance to get him back…or I just run everything after first no contact, and he met someone new.

    1. admin

      February 25, 2014 at 6:43 pm

      Impossible to say for sure but I don’t think the no contact rule will hurt… chances are it will help.

  40. Sarah

    February 18, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    Hi Chris. So you and I have been emailing a few times. The first time was four months ago and with your help I did get my boyfriend back for several months. (This website is so helpful and a lifesaver!)

    Then my boyfriend and I broke up. I blame the super bowl and alcohol. You and I have already takes about this. I took your advice and tried contacting him. I didn’t get a response so I let it go and have been going to the gym to workout my feelings.

    Then I get this message from him on Gmail Chat. Just so you know I deactivated my Facebook, I didn’t block him.

    “Just so you know I donโ€™t really care that you blocked me on facebook, just donโ€™t unblock me because I will surely just block you again forever. We are not friends anymore Sarah, and as much as your still trying to hold on to that, you should just let go. And this is the last time you will hear from me. Goodbye”

    Where do I go from here? I know I shouldn’t respond, that won’t make anything better. Should I start NC again?

    1. admin

      February 19, 2014 at 7:18 pm

      Ya start it again. Sorry this happened to you. He isn’t being classy about the situation.

  41. marsha

    February 11, 2014 at 3:39 am

    Dear chris, please write about men’s self defense in deeper explanation. Because i think it’s related, i think it is the reason why he still ignore after the NC, the reason why some man started fight after the break up, the reason why he said bad things about ex, etc.

    The reason i like about your article is that your writings make sense. Love is not logical but you make it sound logical with psychology approch.
    thank you Chris

    1. admin

      February 11, 2014 at 6:12 pm

      Actually, I am kind of going to write something about that for this week.

  42. Erin

    February 10, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    What is your next move if you text him and get no response?

    1. admin

      February 10, 2014 at 7:00 pm

      Wait a few days and try again with a more compelling message.

    2. Erin

      February 10, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      I want to meet with him. How can we do that if he won’t answer texts that are even a little personal? He’ll answer texts about a funny pic of him in my phone, or about his dog, but if I ask him about how his weekend went, nothing!

  43. Sarah ann

    February 3, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    After nc should my first text be short or very detailed on different pages it says different?

    1. admin

      February 3, 2014 at 6:24 pm

      It should be detailed without being too long.

  44. chelsea

    January 29, 2014 at 3:44 am

    My ex and I have been broken up for a few months obj bad terms With him saying never contact me again and he is dating someone. I been in no contact and finally texted him for his birthday saying “happy birthday, best of wishes I hope it’s a good one. I want to be friends but it’s not my choice. hope to hear from you for my birthday”. He texted me for the first time since the break up saying “happy early birthday” I was OK with it. However now he texted Me saying “want anything for a birthday present?”….I haven’t replied I feel like this is a trick. Any response suggestions?

  45. cycy

    January 23, 2014 at 10:06 pm

    OK. I implemented the NC before reading your site (i’m kind of proud of myself right now lol). But my question IS: why if he is also doing the NC?

    1. Abi Jaiy

      February 2, 2014 at 8:28 am

      Thats what I asked myself. My ex ignored my message therefore hes doing the NC on me aswell as Im doing the NC on him *smh*

  46. Alissa

    January 11, 2014 at 3:45 pm

    Hi Chris, I’m still in NC but I successfully ignored (yay!) a pic-text from my ex boyfriend of my car yesterday (he saw it while driving).I’m not sure what to say if he calls me out on ignoring his message. I thought you might have said something on it but I couldn’t find it after looking for about an hour. What should I say if he calls me out on the nc? Thanks

  47. Liz

    January 10, 2014 at 8:10 am

    Hello again. So I have completed NC successfully. Actually it’s been a little more than 30 days. I had decided to not try to win him back and I was finally feeling like I am doing great when suddenly he text me. First it was a simple “hey” but after 2 hours of me not responding he text back saying he wants to give me back my tv and DVDs and that he doesn’t want me to think he’s holding my stuff hostage. He also said that the tv is too heavy for him to lift and he can’t move it on his own. I’m at a loss as to what to say back. I had been planning on waiting another week to contact him and tell him my friends (guy friends) were going to pick up my tv for me but he completely caught me off guard by contacting me about it first. What do I do now when I feel like I’m in limbo between kind of wanting him back but not wanting to hold onto any hope and pretty much already in the mindset of moving on? Should I just send my friends for my stuff and that way avoid facing him? Do I make him wait a few days before I even respond?

    1. admin

      January 11, 2014 at 1:51 am

      No I think you can respond. Don’t make your friends get your stuff.

    2. Liz

      January 11, 2014 at 5:28 am

      So you suggest that I go retrieve my things myself? I feel like that kind of makes me look weak. Especially since our breakup was bad in how he couldn’t face me and it was a big fight and he sent his roommate out with my belongings and when I was in a car crash he refused to help me. Even in this situation, I shouldn’t send my friends? Sorry, I’m just slightly panicking. Still haven’t responded to him at all.

    3. Liz

      January 15, 2014 at 9:17 pm

      Okay I responded to him. He said he just wanted to see me face to face to return my stuff and wish me the best in life so that if we ever run into each other we don’t feel angry, sad or awkward and that he’d “always care about me”. I agreed to meet but that it had to be in a location I picked and on a day I wanted to. He said he would rather meet somewhere close to my house so that I wouldn’t have to drive anywhere. He also said that he’d bring my DVDs and maybe try to bring my TV but “we could figure that out later when we talk”. I find it curious that he’s not bringing the TV and wanting to discuss it once we talk. I said I was ok with the plan but only for now. I still feel I lost control of the situation. How do I fix it? I don’t know what the next move is because he seems to want to talk.

  48. angel

    January 2, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    hey chris i really need your help im very congused hy my ex boyfriends behaviou…we were talking on and off since two months after he said he needed space but he didnt officially broke up with me. he called me on new years eve which was totally unexpected and he talked like ecverything was fine betweene nd him meaning fine as in we are still in a relationship and he said i will mssg you tomorrow..but its been two days since and i havent heard from him i dont know if i should initiate contact but i dont want to come off as desperate person wanting to get back with him asap..but i do want to atleast talk to him and find out what is going around in his mind.. please help chris! ๐Ÿ™ :/

    1. admin

      January 2, 2014 at 6:48 pm

      Have you atempted a NC yet?

    2. angel

      January 2, 2014 at 7:10 pm

      no i havent since we have been talking on and off

    3. angel

      January 2, 2014 at 7:55 pm

      i just dont know what should i do now that he has given me hope for everything to work out and he has disappeared on me again ๐Ÿ™

    4. Abi Jaiy

      February 2, 2014 at 8:30 am

      What Chris was trying to say (Use your brain) is do the NC rule.
      Youre not in a good state

  49. jw

    December 29, 2013 at 5:28 am

    hey chris, i have been reading your articles for around a month now.. and finally bought your book a few days ago.

    my questions (at the bottom of this comment) are pretty straight forward but here is a brief background:

    the guy i was talking to told me he couldnt “be my boyfriend right now”. i didnt know what he was thinking but from my experience in the past, i knew 2 things.. 1. that he would miss me, and 2. if i chased after him at this point now, he will run far far away.

    with that said i did a 15 day of nc. for 4 days, he continually liked my statuses and the things his friends posted on my wall after he dumped me.. the 15 day of nc broke when he texted me and asked how i was.. then a few days later i asked him to hangout and he said yes but never got back to me.

    that was when found your website.. and started the 30 day of nc w a plan. he texted me a funny video of common interest 2 weeks into nc.. i ignored him.. 2 days ago i bought your book because my nc actually ended today and i wanted more guidance.

    my questions:
    i texted him today w the first text after nc. i said “oh my god guess what i just thought of” he replied “??” and 3 minutes later: “???”
    one hour later, i tell him a memory. and he response was something short and very neutral. but as i was taking my time to respond he adds another comment 15 after the neutral response. then another one 5 minutes later.

    question 1: although the initial response was neutral, can i consider this as a positive response since he went back a few times to the conversation?

    question 2: would you say my chances of getting him back are pretty good so far, judging by how he reached out for a few days right after he dumped me, and was fairly engaged in our first interaction after 30 days of NC?

    1. admin

      December 29, 2013 at 7:06 pm

      1. I think so yes haha.
      2. I would say they are not bad. Good job.

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