Why, Is He Contacting You?
It’s the first question everyone asks.
What is the reason?
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
We’ve all hear the saying about someone else’s grass looking better than our own.a
He left the relationship chasing something he thought would be better than what the two of you had. People do this when they take what they have for granted.Who knows if he caught what he was looking for or not.
However, if he is reaching out and trying to regain contact it’s likely that he either couldn’t obtain what we wanted or he did and it turned out to be less than what he expected. I mean, let’s be honest, a lot of the time when we see something we want, we idealize what it might be like if we were to get our wish.
How often do those turn out how we imagine?
That’s enough to make him start considering that maybe he might have taken what you two had for granted.
Issues Moving On
Everyone has trouble moving on after a breakup. But, assuming it’s been a while since the breakup, he could just be having some trouble accepting that it’s over. This is even more true when you take into account that you ARE in another relationship. He was probably banking on the hope that you would come back to him. Seeing you with someone else most likely drove him to reach out on the chance that it might stir up some residual feelings.
For some reason these days, after a breakup, most people still consider their ex to be “theirs” long after they split up.
They imagine that you are still wasting away trying to figure out how to get them back. They imagine that all of your happy posts are simply a ploy to make them jealous. And they assume that every date you go on or person you date is an attempt to get their attention.
Tell me you haven’t had the same thoughts about an ex in the past. I know I have.
Coming to the sudden realization that you might actually be happy with someone else, all of the hurt he had been denying himself from feeling up until this point has finally hit.
Reaching out to you, even declaring his love for you, in this kind of situation is an attempt to disrupt that happiness.
He Cares About You
This goes hand in hand with “having issues moving on” but in this scenario he doesn’t just want you back. In fact, he is prepared to lose you. Reaching out was a last ditch effort to let you know how he feels and see if you feel the same way. However, if you are happy then he is happy for you. It may be painful to see you with someone else, but it’s worth it to know that you are where you want to be. This is always hard to hear because it means that he is mature enough to walk away. Most times this is actually more effective in stirring up old feelings than other situations.
It’s almost like we are hard wired to want what we can’t have. Knowing that he has matured and is willing to walk away probably has you questioning whether you and your new guy are right for each other.
They Want Something
Believe it or not, I have more people end up in this situation now that Netflix exists.
“How have you been?”
“Hey, did you change your password?”
Or even better, I actually had an ex ask me out for coffee the other day. Curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to go. Turns out he wasn’t interested in catching up at all. He wanted me to design a new media kit for his website… as a favor. Oh, and he wanted to “borrow” my Amazon Prime Account. I opted to just tell him I had too much stuff on my plate to give him “the friend discount” (free) and that I he needed to get his own Prime account.
We hadn’t talked in three years and I’m seeing someone. Even though I helped him with the original site design and felt like I had already invested in it’s survival I knew that letting him take advantage of me this way would set precedent for the future. It was clear that he had no interest in catching up or being friends.
This is usually the case.
If this is the situation you find yourself in, I implore you to know your worth and stand your ground if you have to.
He’s a Sadist
Let’s say you broke things off and he spent the time after No Contact making your life miserable. Actually, I’ve even heard of situations where a guy broke things off and still made his ex’s life miserable afterwards. He may have seemingly let it go after a while. But, now that you are seeing someone else, he’s reached out and tried to reconnect. In most of these cases, he will try and repair the connection by apologizing for his behavior and asking for your forgiveness. He may even want to be friends at first.
However, if you react to his advances in a way that he wasn’t expecting or didn’t want, he lashes out and starts treating you like crap again.
This type of person is like a tornado; he destroys everything in his past.
He tries to derail your relationship any way that he can. He smears your reputation.
How Do You Respond?
I know. I know.
You are wondering how you are supposed to deal with this situation.
Well, that all depends.
What does it depend on, you ask?
Well, it depends on what you want.
It sounds oversimplified. I know.
But first you have to decide what it is that you want.
There’s a mistake most people make when they do this.
They try and compare their ex to the guy they are currently seeing. And I get how it would seem like this is the right way to do this.
But the most efficient way to make a decision would be to look at each relationship based on it’s own merit.
I’ve been considering moving to the DFW area lately which means I’ve been looking at apartments in that area. When looking at it I have to be careful not to compare them to the apartment I live in now. The standard of living is lower there, which means pricing is much higher and square footage is much lower. If I compared them to the one I live in now, then I wouldn’t be moving at all.
The same can be said for deciding to buy a new car, or a new fridge.
The only thing is that the fridge isn’t going cry when you make your decision.
So, instead of looking at the two relationships side by side you need to look at the separately first.
First, take a look at your current relationship.
What are the things you like about this guy? Why did you start seeing him in the first place?
Write it down.
Yeah… I’m giving you homework.
Make a Pros & Cons List for each relationship. For this one, the one you’re in currently, suss out what it is that makes you want to stay. Then suss out what it is that even makes you consider why you might not…
It’ll be easier to process if you write it out like this, with the pros of both relationships paired up and the cons of both relationships paired up.
Does that help make things a little bit clearer?
If you are going by straight facts and you were honest with yourself, you should be able to see this.
If your analysis looks like the left column (blue) then it looks like things are leaning in favor of the relationship you are in now. However, if they are closer to the column on the right (green) then perhaps you aren’t as over your old relationship as you’d like to imagine.
The Coin in the Air
Have you ever hear the tale about the coin in the air?
They say that if you have a decision to make and you are having a hard time making it that you should flip a coin because in that moment, when the coin is in the air…
In that moment, you are more likely to know what side you want it to land on more than anything.
So… if I were to hand you a quarter right now, tell you to flip it to decide, and whatever it landed on, you were stuck with whatever it lands on.
What would you be thinking as it spun in the air hit the apex of it’s climb and turned to fall back down towards it’s inevitable landing place?
Still not sure?
Give a coin to someone else, a friend or someone who will hold you accountable. Tell them to flip it. Tell them that tails means you’re getting back with your ex…
Now, you don’t HAVE to do that. But you get the idea.
Do whatever you need to do to get honest with yourself and stick to it.
How to Respond
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener
If he left you to chase someone else, then take into account that he lost interest in your relationship at some point. So, if you do decide to get back together with your ex I suggest taking things slowly and DEFINITELY making him work for it. At least that way he’ll value the relationship more.
When I first started working with Chris he suggested I read “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argrov. It really does change the way that you see yourself. If someone thinks they can just walk in and out of your life, you end up feeling like a bit of a doormat. Sherry’s book pairs nicely with our goal of becoming the Ungettable Girl. If you want to know more about that…. click here.
Because you don’t dese3rve to be walked all over.
Issues Moving On
If he’s clearly tried to move on but just can’t seem to accept that you are seeing someone new , then your best bet is to focus on what it is YOU want and don’t settle for anything less. His issues don’t have to be your issues. If you do decide to get back with him, you should definitely tell him to figure out what he wants as well. If that lines up with what you want, then go for it. If not… be honest with him. Gentle but firm, that’s how you get a point across.
He Cares About You
If this isn’t just about you being with someone else and he actually cares about you then, like I said before, he will be happy for you. He would want you to be happy even if it’s not with him. So, if that is the case and you actually do want him back, then it’s time to put up or shut up. Guys that actually care are hare to find.
They Want Something or He’s a Sadist
If he is just using you for favors, connections, or Netflix accounts…. then you, my friend, should cut ties and ditch him. The same goes for someone who thoroughly enjoys treating you like crap. No one deserves that.
Walk away and find better. And if the guy that you are with is better… then stay with him! Don’t be a “grass is greener” kind of girl.
You deserve to be happy, not to just leap back and forth because someone else can’t make up his mind or decide that you deserve to be treated better..
Go After What You Want
Analyze the situation.
Decide what it is that you want and deserve.
Execute. Go after it.
EVERYONE always has follow up questions or situations we haven’t covered, which we would LOVE to help with…
So, use the comments below and let us know. We have an entire team here to do just that.