By Chris Seiter

Updated on April 9th, 2021

Getting over a relationship is not easy. It takes some time to get some semblance of normalcy back in your life.
It almost never fails that you FINALLY get past the devastation of a breakup, and sure enough… you get a text from your ex at 2 AM.
It most definitely seems to happen when you feel like you have finally gotten over him and found a new interest or started dating someone new. It definitely feels like that at least, like he just knows.

Why, Is He Contacting You?


It’s the first question everyone asks.


What is the reason?

Should you even be considering trying to acknowledge them?
Let’s Talk About This

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

We’ve all hear the saying about someone else’s grass looking better than our own.a

He left the relationship chasing something he thought would be better than what the two of you had. People do this when they take what they have for granted.Who knows if he caught what he was looking for or not.

However, if he is reaching out and trying to regain contact it’s likely that he either couldn’t obtain what we wanted or he did and it turned out to be less than what he expected. I mean, let’s be honest, a lot of the time when we see something we want, we idealize what it might be like if we were to get our wish.

How often do those turn out how we imagine?

That’s enough to make him start considering that maybe he might have taken what you two had for granted.

Issues Moving On

Everyone has trouble moving on after a breakup. But, assuming it’s been a while since the breakup, he could just be having some trouble accepting that it’s over. This is even more true when you take into account that you ARE in another relationship. He was probably banking on the hope that you would come back to him. Seeing you with someone else most likely drove him to reach out on the chance that it might stir up some residual feelings.

For some reason these days, after a breakup, most people still consider their ex to be “theirs” long after they split up.

They imagine that you are still wasting away trying to figure out how to get them back. They imagine that all of your happy posts are simply a ploy to make them jealous. And they assume that every date you go on or person you date is an attempt to get their attention.

Tell me you haven’t had the same thoughts about an ex in the past. I know I have.

Coming to the sudden realization that you might actually be happy with someone else, all of the hurt he had been denying himself from feeling up until this point has finally hit.

Reaching out to you, even declaring his love for you, in this kind of situation is an attempt to disrupt that happiness.

He Cares About You

This goes hand in hand with “having issues moving on” but in this scenario he doesn’t just want you back. In fact, he is prepared to lose you. Reaching out was a last ditch effort to let you know how he feels and see if you feel the same way. However, if you are happy then he is happy for you. It may be painful to see you with someone else, but it’s worth it to know that you are where you want to be. This is always hard to hear because it means that he is mature enough to walk away. Most times this is actually more effective in stirring up old feelings than other situations.

It’s almost like we are hard wired to want what we can’t have. Knowing that he has matured and is willing to walk away probably has you questioning whether you and your new guy are right for each other.

They Want Something

Believe it or not, I have more people end up in this situation now that Netflix exists.

“How have you been?”

quickly becomes

“Hey, did you change your password?”

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Or even better, I actually had an ex ask me out for coffee the other day. Curiosity got the better of me, so I decided to go. Turns out he wasn’t interested in catching up at all. He wanted me to design a new media kit for his website… as a favor. Oh, and he wanted to “borrow” my Amazon Prime Account. I opted to just tell him I had too much stuff on my plate to give him “the friend discount” (free)  and that I he needed to get his own Prime account.

We hadn’t talked in three years and I’m seeing someone. Even though I helped him with the original site design and felt like I had already invested in it’s survival I knew that letting him take advantage of me this way would set precedent for the future. It was clear that he had no interest in catching up or being friends.

This is usually the case.

If this is the situation you find yourself in, I implore you to know your worth and stand your ground if you have to.

He’s a Sadist

Let’s say you broke things off and he spent the time after No Contact making your life miserable. Actually, I’ve even heard of situations where a guy broke things off and still made his ex’s life miserable afterwards. He may have seemingly let it go after a while. But, now that you are seeing someone else, he’s reached out and tried to reconnect. In most of these cases, he will try and repair the connection by apologizing for his behavior and asking for your forgiveness. He may even want to be friends at first.

However, if you react to his advances in a way that he wasn’t expecting or didn’t want, he lashes out and starts treating you like crap again.

This type of person is like a tornado; he destroys everything in his past.

He tries to derail your relationship any way that he can. He smears your reputation.

How Do You Respond?

I know. I know.

You are wondering how you are supposed to deal with this situation.

Well, that all depends.

What does it depend on, you ask?

Well, it depends on what you want.

It sounds oversimplified. I know.

But first you have to decide what it is that you want.

There’s a mistake most people make when they do this.

They try and compare their ex to the guy they are currently seeing. And I get how it would seem like this is the right way to do this.

But the most efficient way to make a decision would be to look at each relationship based on it’s own merit.

I’ve been considering moving to the DFW area lately which means I’ve been looking at apartments in that area. When looking at it I have to be careful not to compare them to the apartment I live in now. The standard of living is lower there, which means pricing is much higher and square footage is much lower. If I compared them to the one I live in now, then I wouldn’t be moving at all.

The same can be said for deciding to buy a new car,  or a new fridge.

The only thing is that the fridge isn’t going cry when you make your decision.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

So, instead of looking at the two relationships side by side you need to look at the separately first.

First, take a look at your current relationship.

What are the things you like about this guy? Why did you start seeing him in the first place?

Write it down.

Yeah… I’m giving you homework.

Make a Pros & Cons List for each relationship. For this one, the one you’re in currently, suss out what it is that makes you want to stay. Then suss out what it is that even makes you consider why you might not…

It’ll be easier to process if you write it out like this, with the pros of both relationships paired up and the cons of both relationships paired up.


Does that help make things a little bit clearer?

If you are going by straight facts and you were honest with yourself, you should be able to see this.

If your analysis looks like the left column (blue) then it looks like things are leaning in favor of the relationship you are in now. However, if they are closer to the column on the right (green) then perhaps you aren’t as over your old relationship as you’d like to imagine.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

The Coin in the Air

Have you ever hear the tale about the coin in the air?

They say that if you have a decision to make and you are having a hard time making it that you should flip a coin because in that moment, when the coin is in the air…

In that moment, you are more likely to know what side you want it to land on more than anything.

So… if I were to hand you a quarter right now, tell you to flip it to decide, and whatever it landed on, you were stuck with whatever it lands on.

What would you be thinking as it spun in the air hit the apex of it’s climb and turned to fall back down towards it’s inevitable landing place?

Still not sure?

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

Give a coin to someone else, a friend or someone who will hold you accountable. Tell them to flip it. Tell them that tails means you’re getting back with your ex…

Now, you don’t HAVE to do that. But you get the idea.

Do whatever you need to do to get honest with yourself and stick to it.

How to Respond

The Grass Isn’t Always Greener

If he left you to chase someone else, then take into account that he lost interest in your relationship at some point. So, if you do decide to get back together with your ex I suggest taking things slowly and DEFINITELY making him work for it. At least that way he’ll value the relationship more.

When I first started working with Chris he suggested I read “Why Men Love Bitches” by Sherry Argrov. It really does change the way that you see yourself. If someone thinks they can just walk in and out of your life, you end up feeling like a bit of a doormat. Sherry’s book pairs nicely with our goal of becoming the Ungettable Girl. If you want to know more about that…. click here.

Because you don’t dese3rve to be walked all over.

Issues Moving On

If he’s clearly tried to move on but just can’t seem to accept that you are seeing someone new , then your best bet is to focus on what it is YOU want and don’t settle for anything less. His issues don’t have to be your issues. If you do decide to get back with him, you should definitely tell him to figure out what he wants as well. If that lines up with what you want, then go for it. If not… be honest with him. Gentle but firm, that’s how you get a point across.

He Cares About You

If this isn’t just about you being with someone else and he actually cares about you then, like I said before, he will be happy for you. He would want you to be happy even if it’s not with him. So, if that is the case and you actually do want him back, then it’s time to put up or shut up. Guys that actually care are hare to find.

They Want Something or He’s a Sadist

If he is just using you for favors, connections, or Netflix accounts…. then you, my friend, should cut ties and ditch him. The same goes for someone who thoroughly enjoys treating you like crap. No one deserves that.

Walk away and find better. And if the guy that you are with is better… then stay with him! Don’t be a “grass is greener” kind of girl.

You deserve to be happy, not to just leap back and forth because someone else can’t make up his mind or decide that you deserve to be treated better..

Go After What You Want

Analyze the situation.

Decide what it is that you want and deserve.

Execute. Go after it.

EVERYONE always has follow up questions or situations we haven’t covered, which we would LOVE to help with…

So, use the comments below and let us know. We have an entire team here to do just that.

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21 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend Contacted Me But I’m In a Relationship”

  1. Diamond

    February 1, 2023 at 8:55 am

    Awesome advice! Koodos!

  2. Nicole

    September 10, 2020 at 12:04 pm

    Hey, me and my ex have stopped dealing with each other for about a couple weeks. I felt like ive grieved the situation enough these past couple of months. I still loved him, still answered him. But we fought during that communication alot and the reason we broke up was because he wanted to sleep with other females and that we didnt live together yet. We were together for almost two yrs, made plans , saved up money to get a place for the end of the year. Then he started doubting that we could do it and wanted to do things his way (as in see other women) but claims they didnt have his heart and he was just messing with them for sex. Fast fwd to now, im seeing someone. Hes a great man, treats me like a queen, his actions match his words and all he wants is honesty from me. I know it’s early and all but I feel so comfortable with him. My ex has now popped up and wants to reclaim what he thinks is his. Im torn between the man i once loved and the new guy that has my heart. I dont know how to go about it & my ex wants me to leave the new guy

  3. Lucia

    April 22, 2020 at 6:30 pm

    About 3 months ago I ended a 5 year relationship. Our relationship was hardly smooth sailing. I ended it because I was fed up with feeling like I was competing for his attention and affection with women on social media and on dating sites. In May of 2019 I took a break, by July we had agreed to work on things and I moved in. By September 2019 we promised to be open and to focus on us. In November 2019 while on our vacation I found out he did not keep his end of the promise and was talking to multiple women and had a text-virtual relationship with one woman who he sent pictures and video to back and fourth. He ended up meeting her face to face in September and that is because she told me, she also said it was never a physical encounter. I was fed up with it, I know it was more of a type of obsessive mental issue but I was the one that was constantly being hurt by the selfish actions. I ended it halfway through our vacation and have worked on my healing.

    For a few days now I have received countless texts, emails and voice messages asking for forgiveness, that he truly loves me and knows he took me, my love and my time for granted and wants to make it up to me. That his few sessions of therapy have made him realize the mistakes he made and that he needs me to be his backbone and wants to work on US. That he was blinded by his obsession and needs a chance to amend things and make it right.

    To me, I feel that all those years I stood by and worked hard for the both of us should’ve pushed him to want to get the help he needed if he truly loved me. Why now? Why after I left do all these feelings come out of him?
    He wants me back and want a chance.

    Throughout the last few months a male friend who I know has feelings for me has been there to keep my company and has shown me there’s more to life than being sad about a guy. He’s asked if I could give him a chance when and if I’m ready because he’d like to show me how I Deserve to be treated and cared for.

    So I’m on the fence. Does the ex deserve a chance when he hurt and disrespected me as much as he did or do I continue to work on moving on and give the friend the opportunity? I do feel a connection to the friend, but the history and the good memories of the Ex are there too.


    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 25, 2020 at 10:36 am

      Hey Lucia, I am sorry but only you can decide that for yourself! I hope you find happiness in who ever you choose to be with and let me know how it works out

  4. Sandra

    March 26, 2020 at 7:31 pm

    My ex broke up with me for 5months now I truly loved him because he treated me just like I wanted to be treated while we were together.
    But he broke up with me and told me that know matter what I do his never coming back because he loves someone else and he’s heart is very far from me,he told me everything that it my whole life came crashing down he told me to move on and forget about him that I deserve better because am a good person and he gets tired of women easily.he told his sister that he has not seen what he’s looking for in a woman because everyone tried telling him to reconsider his actions he still left me.
    After 5months I started dating this new guy who loves me so much and his really nice to me and already introduced me to his family which my ex never did. and we plan on getting married he hides nothing from me and tells me all I need to know but now my ex is back asking for my forgiveness and wants to get back together all this while i still hv this feelings towards him and now am really confused breaking up with my new boyfriend is like treating him dsame way my ex treated me I don’t know what to do please I need some advice I know if he didn’t come back i would forgotten about him someone please advise me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 29, 2020 at 5:37 pm

      Hi Sandra, this sounds like grass is greener, and it seems that he has been emotionally cheating at the least. I would consider how you would feel if you lost the NEW guy. IF you want your ex back then you need to be honest with your current partner before doing anything. I would also question why he is coming back now, has the other woman left him or did he leave her?

  5. Violeta Arteaga

    August 20, 2019 at 1:20 am

    So I’m currently in a 3 year relationship. And well lately my boyfriend has been distance from me. But the weird thing is that my ex talked to me out of nowhere again. Wanting to be with me. And It has been about 6 years since we last saw each other.

    Also like 2 years ago my ex found me on social media and we texted for a few weeks and my boyfriend and I got into a really huge argument over that and didn’t want me talking to him again.

    And now I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend that my ex texted me again. And that we’re going to end up going to the same school.

    Please help me decide because I still sort of have feelings for my ex. But at the same time I love my boyfriend but it just doesn’t feel the same as before.

  6. Nina

    August 14, 2019 at 10:55 am


    My partners ex short-term girlfriend has just seen that he is in a new relationship because of a post on social media, and now she asking him to ‘pop’ around to her house for tea. And, when she got not reply, she following it up the next day with another message, and within a few days she had started calling on his mobile repeatedly throughout the day.

    She apparently lives an hour and thirty minutes away from his house…so if my partner entertained the idea of going around for tea he would really have to go out of his away for her!

    She is single, but has recently been having an on /off affair, over a number of years, with a married man too. Apparently, this is ‘off’ at the moment!

    I have no issue with my partner seeing ex girlfriends if they really are ‘mates’, but this behaviour and then the obsessive repeat calling this Saturday…well, It just doesn’t look good! And, it’s not like she’s meeting him in a public place for a catch-up, like most normal mates might do after not seeing each other for a long while….she is offering to cook him food in an intimate setting away from anyone else.

    He talks about other ex’s who are much more long-term and who has lived with, but I have no issue or problem with these. Or him talking to his ex’s children.

    But this ex had seen that he is in a new relationship and now wants to get involved again!!!

    Please could you offer me some advice?

  7. Nina

    August 14, 2019 at 7:01 am


    I don’t have an issue with partners staying in contact with long-term girl friends, or ex wife’s, and I don’t have any issues with wives or girlfriends of partners mates, but I need some advice on a situations with my partners short-term ex girlfriend?

    What happens, and what should you do if your partner’s ex, suddenly starts inviting your partner to ‘pop’ over for tea at her house when she finds out that he has got a new girlfriend because your partner posted a picture of you together online!!

    I wouldn’t be bothered if she’s was doing something in a group, like biking, or said lets grab a coffee or wanted to hangout with his other mates over a couple of drinks, but she wants him to go around to her house.

    She’s single! Apparently, has been having some kind of affair with a married man for years, which is still on and off.

    And now, after a week of asking my partner to ‘pop’ around, is calling my partner mobiles three times a day!!!

    I really don’t feel comfortable about the situation! And, I think suddenly call him three times in one day is a little odd!

  8. Anon

    July 11, 2019 at 6:28 pm

    I’ve been together with my new girlfriend for a month now officially, three months of dating overall. I love her and look forward to growing together, and then my ex hit me up. My breakup with her was the hardest one to get over, and am truly still healing from it. She was the love of my life and I still love her more than anyone. We broke up because I was struggling with alcoholism, she left me so I can get the help I needed and not use her as a crutch, while separated she used a woman to fill the void, admitted how wrong it was and that she never stopped loving me. For eight months we tried to support each others healing, every time we ended up talking about how much we loved and missed each other but she still didn’t trust me after 2 years of me saying I would stop drinking and not following through. She decided over and over to stay with the other woman. When I finally cut off contact and tried to move on, she tells me she left her and wants to break the cycle of loving each other and not getting back together. She didn’t know I had a new gf when she said that, when she found out she said she would fall back but I could reach her if I wanted to and just wanted me to know she wants me back and never stopped loving me. I never stopped loving her either, but this has all been super painful and this new person in my life loves me so much. There are some red flags as I’m a recovering alcoholic and she is a borderline alcoholic who doesn’t want to stop drinking. I’m torn.

  9. Alexa

    July 7, 2019 at 2:57 am

    My ex tells me after so long that he pushed me away that time we broke up bc he didn’t want me to experience all the issues he was going through. A lot of family issues. He tells me now that he loves me & feels guilty for breaking my heart. Idk how to react. I felt sad for what happened & seeing him sad. I thought I had moved on not even 2 months ago. It took more than a year to move on. He said his mom told him he had to tell me how he feels.
    I am seeing a new person but he doesn’t want any commitments. I am physically & emotionally attracted to him. Idk if I still have feelings for my ex. Maybe. I’m confused if it’s a good idea to try again. I may have a future with my ex since he now does want kids, whereas the new guy Idk I’m still getting to know him.

    Thank you for any advise.

  10. Jeni

    April 1, 2019 at 2:11 am

    I was in a relationship.. Was deep into it. At the beginning of the relationship it was agreed between us that I respect him at all times because that is so important to him. And he confessed he would catch fight very easily and that is why he chose me even when I am way beneath his status … Well once.. Just once we had an argument on a small issue and he left me.. I begged after him to forgive but he replied like who cares what. After about 5 months I just accepted a very nice man whose proposal i refused ages ago because he was a very nice man (at that time I thought bad boys are fun). This guy is naturally caring and not so rude and aspunishing as my ex. But my ex is this guy whom I would say as the love of my life.. Surprisingly he returned back after 5 months. I don’t know what to do. Could you help giving suggestions please

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 1, 2019 at 10:32 pm

      That is a tough one Jeni….ummmm. Kindness is what makes relationships successful and last. Can you old ex measure up to that? That is what you need to contemplate.

  11. Iesha

    April 24, 2018 at 8:02 pm

    Been with my boyfriend 7 months now I’m happy he’s a good guy! Then my ex we broke up a year an a half ago pops back up says he messed up an misses me after he sees me with my boyfriend I love my boyfriend he’s everything to me but my mind wonders about my ex like what if

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 24, 2018 at 8:07 pm

      the ifs and what if can drive us to do things we shouldn’t. You are happy. Your boyfriend is a good guy. Seems like an easy call to me. But if you need some support on matters such as this, join my Private Facebook Support Group. I have about 1500 women and they will offer their insights as they have been through all kinds of situations. If you have interest, just go to my website Men/Products link and read all about it Lesha.

  12. Susanna

    February 22, 2018 at 10:33 pm

    I broke up with my ex-boyfriend over a year ago, mainly because we were in a long-distance relationship and the not seeing each other was taking its toll on us.

    I have been dating someone else for half a year, he is a co-worker AND lives close. He is a super sweet guy, but I don’t love him.

    My ex recently posted hearts on my status and writes me messages that he cares about me, even if he doesn’t always show it, that he often thinks of me and that he always wants to know about me, which is genuinely sweet.

    I am not sure what I am more afraid of – him wanting me back or him not wanting me back, because I have no idea how we would make that work. On a side note, it’s been over three years since we first met.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 27, 2018 at 9:44 am

      Hi Susanna,

      whether your ex contacts you or not, if you don’t love your current bf, break up with him and then take time for yourself to heal before trying to rebuild rapport with your ldr ex. If it doesn’t work out, then move on. At least you did what you can do.

  13. Anon

    October 30, 2017 at 12:40 am

    I do love my boyfriend, but I’ve always loved my ex. That’s why I don’t know what I should be doing…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 1, 2017 at 3:11 pm

      Ask yourself why.. True love means you only love one person at a time or none at all

  14. Anon

    October 26, 2017 at 7:17 pm

    I’ve been with my current boyfriend for 2 years now. I was with my ex for almost 5 years and even while I was first dating my current boyfriend, my ex and I would hangout. I eventually decided I wanted to get back with my ex and broke up with my boyfriend. My ex was going through a period of hating me for leaving him and actually cut me out of my life shortly after, and i was lucky enough to have my boyfriend come to me and convince me to give our relationship another shot.

    Skip to 7 months later, it’s my ex’s birthday and I send him a text like I’ve always done. To my surprise he responds, and we casually exchange texts over the next few weeks until I suggest meeting for coffee to actually catch up which he agrees to. It goes great and we’ve been doing things together almost weekly (dinner, sporting events, coffee) for the past 4 months. Recently, I started having feelings for him again and I spoke to him about it and if there was even a chance of us happening and he said not right now.

    I’m confused as to what to do because it took me a long time to get to a place where I was finally comfortable having him out of my life. I don’t know if I should take a chance and leave my boyfriend and move out to try things with my ex, or if he’s just going to throw things back in my face again and I’m going to ruin a really good relationship with my current boyfriend. I’ve never been able to forget my ex and I’ve always loved him and talked about him on the regular. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 29, 2017 at 11:25 am

      HI Anon,

      you can’t always choose a safe choice..Ask yourself, why do you want to live your current boyfriend in the first place? Because if you don’t love him, break up with him whether you get back with your other ex or not..