Getting your heart broken is the worst feeling ever and it can be really hard to know what to say to someone who broke your heart. Today I’m going to help make that a bit easy by telling you not only what to say, but when to say it.
I want to get one thing out of the way right off the bat though, I do not endorse this idea of a magic bullet or phrase that’ll automatically “unlock his heart”. I think you should run as far as possible from anyone trying to sell you a magic phrase that’ll instantly work on your ex because that’s just not how it works.
While there is no magic phrase or tactic that you can employ to all of a sudden make an ex want to come running back to you, there is an ideal accumulation of tactics and techniques that can help you go about this process of trying to get your ex back.
Obviously having a conversation is the first step of getting your ex back but how do you even start that conversation when they broke your heart? There are two key concepts at play here:
The power of timing
The power of leverage
Let’s take a moment to talk about each of these concepts.
The Power Of Timing
Talking to someone who broke your heart isn’t just about “what” to say, it’s also about “when” to say it.
There is definitely a right (and wrong!) time to have a conversation with your ex and if you mess up the timing, it really won’t matter what you have to say.
First things first, the absolute WORST time to have a conversation with your ex, even if it’s just for closure, is immediately after your breakup.
In fact, the best advice I give people immediately after a breakup is to literally say nothing and just walk away as if it didn’t bother them. Why is that?
Well, it’s because emotions are subject to change. If you talk to your ex when you’re highly emotional, you’re likely to say something that you don’t actually mean just to hurt their feelings, especially if they broke your heart. The same goes for your ex and before you know it, you both say things that might be hard to take back.
Think of it like when a super annoying and persistent door-to-door salesman comes to your door. You know, the kind of person who will not take no for an answer and will keep pushing you until you either buy whatever they’re selling or you get defensive and angry and slam the door on their face.
This is the exact same thing that happens if you try to talk to your ex immediately after a breakup. You’re heartbroken so your first reaction is to mend things as soon as possible before he forgets you.
However, all the negativity from the breakup is still fresh in their mind so they might decline to talk to you.
Of course, you could insist… and they’ll probably refuse to entertain you again. Eventually, they’ll break and that’s when a classic communication meltdown will happen that might even be worse than your actual breakup. Before you know it, you’ve dug yourself into a really deep hole that is difficult to get out of.
And that shows you how important timing can be. You may not realize but timing is attached to emotions and because emotions are at an all-time high immediately after a breakup, neither of you are in the right frame of mind to have a proper conversation. You being heartbroken and overly sentimental just makes it harder for you to see things clearly.
This is obviously one of the primary reasons that we recommend the no contact rule where you basically ignore your ex for a specific period of time after a breakup.
A lot of people look at the no contact rule as this way of making an ex miss you in your absence. But that’s not actually the true essence of the no contact rule.
Most of the time, successful no contact rules are dependent on what you do with that time.
Then, what should you be doing with that time if you can’t talk to your ex yet?
Well, literally ANYTHING!
Your relationship isn’t the only thing about you. You need to find something that’s even more important than your relationship.
It can be anything from another relationship with family or some creative outlet, as long as you’re passionate about it. It has to be something that you won’t give up on and that can distract you from obsessing over your ex 24*7.
This will allow you to have the proper perspective that you’re basically wasting your time focusing on your ex. You should be focusing on this thing during your no contact.
Now let’s switch gears and talk about leverage because while timing is important, having leverage when you finally talk to your ex is the key to winning them over.
The Power Of Leverage
The whole point of saying the right thing to an ex who broke your heart revolves around leverage, specifically how you can get leverage to persuade your ex that they have something real to lose if this falls through.
Whatever you say needs to instill a genuine fear of loss in your ex so they take you seriously and know you’re actually ready to walk away.
A big part of having that mindset Is actually utilizing the time during the no contact rule to focus on yourself and “move on without moving on” so your ex regrets ever breaking your heart.
Now we come to the predominant question that this whole video is revolving around:
What Should You Say If Your Ex Broke Your Heart?
Well, basically anything that will get you leverage to make them feel that they’re going to lose you forever.
Any type of conversation that helps that goal is the right type of conversation.
This revolves around a couple of concepts known as the value chain and value ladder that I often talk about on my website and youtube channel. Both these are basically about building leverage by making your ex intrigued in having a conversation with you again.
These concepts detail the steps of reaching out to your ex and what kind of conversations to have to make them feel like they could lose you forever if you get attached to some other guy. I have more details about them on my website so feel free to scroll around!
Another important aspect of speaking to an ex who broke your heart is the concept of acknowledging your ex’s fears through empathy.
The need for empathy stems from what I believe to be a common thread in most breakups – both parties were operating under different wavelengths.
This basically means that you’re thinking one thing your ex is thinking another thing and there’s a huge misconception between those things. So, you don’t really know or understand what they’re thinking.
This is why a breakup can blindside you and you may say things like “I never saw it coming” or “it was out of the blue”. That’s hardly ever the case though because breakups don’t just “happen”, its usually because people were on different wavelengths. But, this isn’t an unsolvable issue…
The best way to bridge the gap so that you get on the same wavelength is this concept of empathy.
Empathy is all about approaching your partner and talking to them with their same world view by walking a mile in their shoes and understanding what they’re feeling.
Now what we really teach here at exboyfriendrecovery is this concept of tactical empathy, whereby you basically list every single thing you think your ex is thinking but isn’t willing to say. You then repeat that back to him like “Hey, I know you’re feeling this way, right?” or “Is this how you’re thinking right now?”
That’s gonna allow them to realize “Hey, they really understand me better than I thought that they did.”
But the phrasing is really important here because if you call your ex out on feeling something and they say “yeah, you’re right”, that’s a no-go because that’s basically you telling them what to do.
What you want is for them to say “yeah, that’s right” because that’s from a place of realizing that you’re genuinely listening to them.
This is where things get a bit complicated though because how do you know if your ex will see your tactical empathy as genuine concern or just you trying to dictate how they feel? You really have to pick the right time to have this kind of tactical empathy conversation.
Do you do it immediately after a no contact rule?
No, because you need to build up a certain level of trust before you’re willing to have this conversation.
Oftentimes, the best time for these types of conversations is either over the phone or in person.
According to our value ladder, phone calls and in-person meetings come after the texting phase because texting gives you a solid foundation to have these deeper conversations in more personal mediums of communication.
So, remember that all of this works seamlessly, but at the same time, you need to trust your gut.
Something we’ve learned from interviewing multiple success stories is that even if you try to follow all our advice and techniques to a “T”, every once in a while you need to improvise according to your specific situation. If you ever find yourself in a moment thinking a strategy isn’t working for you, feel free to adapt on the fly and do whatever you feel is right.
Talking to someone who broke your heart is difficult but keeping these two concepts in mind will help make it easier:
- The power of time: Don’t try to talk to someone who broke your heart immediately after a breakup because you are too emotional to think straight.
- The power of leverage: Say whatever you have to to make your ex think that they will permanently lose you.