How To Reach Out To An Ex Boyfriend

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

Lately it seems there is a lot of confusion on Ex Boyfriend Recovery when it comes to reaching out to your ex.

Some women think that the best way is through sending a text like this,

While others think a phone call is the way to go.

Oh, and let us not forget the poor women who show up on their exes doorstep like this,

Hey, no judging, we have all been there.

But the question remains,

Is there a preferred way to reach out to an ex?

Well, I suppose it all depends on what you ultimately want.

Every time I take on a new client or do a new interview with a student the very first thing I ask them is,

What is it that you ultimately want to achieve when it comes to romantic relationships in life?

And it never ceases to amaze me on how most of the time women can’t answer that one simple question.

Usually they will ask me to clarify or give them an example.

Example = I want to meet the man of my dreams and get married.

Now, it may seem really strange that I ask that question but it’s really not.

Knowing the end goal helps me tailor a game plan that is suited towards achieving that “dream scenario” that they gave in their answer.

And I am going to use that same method on you right now.

What Is The End Goal That You Have In Your Mind Around Your Ex

I am going to simplify this for you since I know most of the women reading this website are going to fall into one of two categories,

  1. Do you want to get back into a relationship with your ex?
  2. Do you just want to move on from your ex?

Because how you reach out to your ex is going to ride on which category you ultimately choose.

Actually….

I am going to level with you.

All that I am going to cover in this article is how to reach out to your ex if you want to get back into a relationship with him.

Why?

Well, because if you really want to get over your ex then you probably shouldn’t be reaching out to him.

I know…

I know…

The masses are screaming,

But Chris… I still want to be friends with my ex. What am I supposed to do then?

Well, I want you to consider something before you put all your stock into being friends with your ex.

Not a lot of people know this but studies have shown that the part of the brain that becomes active when someone is going through a breakup is the same part that becomes active when a cocaine addict is going through a withdrawal.

Now, what is it that an addict will often do when they are going through withdrawal?

Well, you’ll find that they’ll often do anything to get a high.

And with a breakup “getting high” is the equivalent to engage in your addiction with your ex again. So, it is best to limit yourself if you determine that you simply want to move on.

It is also why from this point on I am only going to focus this article on how to reach out to your ex boyfriend if you are trying to get him back.

Are you ready?

How To Reach Out To Your Ex If You Are Trying To Get Him Back

Are you familiar with the concept of a value ladder?

It’s something that most businesses use to try to maximize profits. It looks something like this,

The basic principle behind a value ladder is that once a customer buys something from you, you should offer them something else of value and repeat the process until they won’t buy anything from you again.

Lets use McDonalds as an example and say you go there to buy a burger and only a burger.

So, you get to the drive through window and order your burger (YUM.) But what is it that they ask you next?

Umm.. mam would you like to order our world famous fries for a dollar more?

Oh, and they don’t stop there.

After you add on the fries the next thing on their value ladder is a soft drink.

So, even though you initially went to McDonalds for a burger they ended up squeezing some extra dollars out of you by moving you up their value ladder.

So, you get the basic concept, right?

Well, what if I told you that you could create your own value ladder for your ex boyfriend.

Something that looks like this,

Notice that as you move your ex slowly up this ladder you are providing more value to him which in turn will make you more valuable to him.

But I also want you to take note of the fact that there are ultimately only ever two mediums where you should reach out to your ex.

(Remember, this article is only about reaching out to your ex. If you want more advice on talking to him I suggest you go here.)

Those two mediums are,

Texting

&

Phone Calls

Now, I structured this value ladder in this way very specifically to ensure that you aren’t freaking your ex out by coming on strong too soon.

What I’d like to do now is zone in on these two methods of “reaching out” so that I can explain them in greater detail.

The Right Way To Reach Out Via Text Messages

So, before I get into the nitty gritty of texting an ex I do want to talk a little bit about the value chain above.

You may have noticed that there is one important step that occurs before you “text” your ex boyfriend,

The no contact rule must occur before you even think about reaching out to your ex.

Why?

Because my team and I have found that over 70% of our success stories have utilized it in some way, shape or form.

In other words, the no contact rule is the foundation of which a successful “ex back” strategy is built on.

Without it the entire value ladder crumbles.

With it, it thrives.

So, you can kiss “reaching out” to your ex goodbye if you haven’t successfully completed it.

But let’s assume that you have completed it.

What then?

Well, then it is time to focus on texting your ex.

Now, I don’t know if you are aware of this but I work with hundreds of individuals trying to get their exes back every single day through my Private Support Group and one of the most prevalent questions I get there is,

What do I say in a text to my ex if I am reaching out to him?

Ultimately, I have found that a great “reach out” text to an ex consists of three main things.

  1. A Pattern Interrupt
  2. A Hook
  3. Story

Consider for a moment the end goal of reaching out to your ex via text.

You aren’t doing it simply to reach out, are you?

No, you are doing it because you want him to respond to you.

More than that, you want him to respond to you in a positive way.

So, you have to stack the odds in your favor any way you can and to date the most effective text messages that achieve that goal all have these three commonalities.

Let’s pick each one apart!

Component One: A Pattern Interrupt

What is a pattern interrupt?

Well, it’s not rocket science, I assure you.

It’s something that catches your exes attention instantly.

It can be something as simple as an “action phrase” like,

  • Oh my god…
  • You won’t believe what I just saw…
  • I have a crazy story to tell you…

Or something as complex as a picture in a text like this,

Ultimately the end goal is to make your ex do a double take on his own phone.

Got it?

Good!

Component Two: A Hook

This is where things tend to get more complicated.

If your end goal by reaching out to your ex is to get him to respond then you are going to need a hook.

It’s basically something that makes your ex go,

“I can’t NOT respond to her.”

I find a lot of women struggle with coming up with a hook because they have no idea on how to hook a man in.

Well, that is what I am here for.

There is a trick to coming up with your hook, you see.

It all has to do with you utilizing your knowledge about his interests.

Every man has one thing that he fanboys out over,

It is your job to find that thing and use it as a hook to get him to respond.

For example, everyone knows that if you talk about Buffy The Vampire Slayer to me I will literally giggle and turn into a sixteen year old girl (even though I am about to turn 28 and I am a male….)

I mean seriously, I have put Buffy references all throughout this website (if you look hard enough.)

All you need to do is find your exes “Buffy.”

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Component Three: Story

What I am about to say here isn’t revolutionary but human beings love being told stories.

So, condense one and tell it to your ex through text.

It’s that simple!

…..

…..

Ok, maybe it’s not that simple.

The best stories will find a way to incorporate the pattern interrupt and hook into them.

I’ll give you an example.

Take the funny text message example I showed you above.

What if you were to pair that with,

All of a sudden the action phrase, the hook and the story are combined into one.

Now, isn’t this a text that you would want to respond to?

Yep!

Reaching Out Via Phone Calls

Let’s move on to our final “reach out” method here, phone calls.

Now, when I say phone calls I am also including video chat software such as,

  • Skype
  • FaceTime
  • And any others you can think of

I find that most of the women I work with don’t have a problem reaching out via phone calls. Instead, most of their issues lie with making sure the conversation extends.

For example, a lot of the women I work with get on the phone and have nothing of value to say.

Now, the reason this is a huge problem is because when you have nothing of value to say you get caught up in these awkward silences and they can be… well, awkward,

Once my team and I learned that so many women were having this problem we went on the offensive and started providing our clients with scripts of what to say on the phone calls.

The problem with that was most women can’t think quickly on their feet and so much of stimulating phone call conversations is bred in not seeming scripted so we quickly decided to change our game plan and instead started suggesting to our clients to enter the conversation with awkward silence fillers.

Go into the phone call with four or five stories written down that you can tell in the case of an awkward silence.

This way it seems like you are always contributing to the conversation in a very positive way.

Now, I don’t want to seem repetitive here but if you are going to tell your ex a story make sure it has the three components that we talked about above,

  1. The pattern interrupt (action phrase)
  2. The hook (based on your knowledge of what your ex likes)
  3. The story (a great story to back everything you say up)

Remember, you don’t have to have it scripted word for word but it does help to write some of this down so you can go into the phone call seeming as natural as possible in an unnatural situation.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

If you have any more questions about reaching out don’t be afraid to use the comments section below!

May 8, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (17)

  1. Andrea - 0

    Andrea

    hi ,i have a question what if your ex contacts you during the no contact period and asks what would change if we were to get back together?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It depends on the reason why you broke up.. but generally I wouldn’t reply to that because he’s not asking to get back together. He’s just asking what would change..

  2. Ally - 0

    Ally

    Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument when my bf found out. When I called to discuss it I was obviously really upset my bf was sorry it happened but insisted that I calm down and let it go because he already confronted the friend. But I really felt an apology from the friend was needed but he didn’t push for one. That made me really angry like he disregarded the hurt or offensiveness of what was said. So in the heat of the moment I said let me go and hung up the phone and neither one of us called back.

    The next morning i felt horrible about how the convo went and realized how I hung up could’ve been misinterpreted as a breakup. I text him good morning like always and apologized about how I hung up. And he texted back that he was letting go and after everything was said and done he didn’t want to move forward with the relationship. I called and called and he refused to answer. Pretty much just turned ice cold towards me. It’s been weeks now and still no contact.

    Before all of this we were normal things were good and there weren’t any signs of him not being into us for him to totally disconnect like this. We really loved each other. I feel like if we’d just talk there could be a resolve.

    How do I fix it? Or do I just let him go even tho it hurts. I just feel like it was all just a sloppy misunderstanding and nothing would’ve happened if the drunk text was never sent in the first place. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again

  3. Ivy - 0

    Ivy

    Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument when my bf found out. When I called to discuss it I was obviously really upset my bf was sorry it happened but insisted that I calm down and let it go because he already confronted the friend. But I really felt an apology from the friend was needed but he didn’t push for one. That made me really angry like he disregarded the hurt or offensiveness of what was said. So in the heat of the moment I said let me go and hung up the phone and neither one of us called back.

    The next morning i felt horrible about how the convo went and realized how I hung up could’ve been misinterpreted as a breakup. I text him good morning like always and apologized about how I hung up. And he texted back that he was letting go and after everything was said and done he didn’t want to move forward with the relationship. I called and called and he refused to answer. Pretty much just turned ice cold towards me. It’s been weeks now and still no contact.

    Before all of this we were normal things were good and there weren’t any signs of him not being into us for him to totally disconnect like this. We really loved each other. I feel like if we’d just talk there could be a resolve.

    How do I fix it? Or do I just let him go even tho it hurts. I just feel like it was all just a sloppy misunderstanding and nothing would’ve happened if the drunk text was never sent in the first place. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again

  4. Ilse - 0

    Ilse

    Hi,

    How do I respond to my man when he’s under stress? If I call him, he would be in a testy mood. If i dont, I’m not being caring.

    Thanks.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Does he say you’re not being caring or you’re the only one thinking you’re not being caring?

    • Ilse - 0

      Ilse

      I dunno how to reach out to him. Its like he’s going into his cave time. How do I address him that I’m there for him? He didn’t say that I’m not caring. But I think that I’m not caring for his situation.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont assume.. just be caring.. you need to have more conversations to build rapport… because being “caring” when you dont have connection is weird

  5. Harpija - 0

    Harpija

    my case is totally crazy. So everything from the beginning. September 2015 I met my ex in Finland. October 2015 we started to live together till the end of the year. January 2016 we returned to our countries and started long distance relationship till July 2015 when I came to live in his country, but in another, city because of Job. January 2017 he said that he needs time to be alone. It was a difficult month, we fought a lot. February 2017 he broke up with me. Reason: “I don’t think that I love you.” For one week, I beg him, asked him why and so on. Then in two weeks, we met and he gave me my stuff. During that meeting, we were acting as friends. After that, we never met or texted about our relationship, just stupid and funny stuff as friends, but with pauses like two or three weeks, because I couldn’t implement “No Contact”. In the end of April we already had a bit more contact, he was asking about my future plans, how is going in the language courses and so on. On 25th of April, I decided that I can’t just be friends with him and applied “No Contact” till today. He reached me 3 times with “hey what I found” and “They didn’t take me” and “How’s going”, but I didn’t answer. All this time from the middle of February I was posting on a social media photos from my travels, parties, workouts… he “liked” almost all of them. I was smiling, joking when we were still texting or talking by phone. Now I don’t know what to do, the NC will end quite soon, but I’m afraid that I will fail after it. Do you think I still have chances?
    I miss him a lot and dating with others was not so much fun either. I feel as getting back to desperate phase.

    Reply
  6. August - 0

    August

    Thanks for a great article Chris!!

    Reply
  7. Charlene - 0

    Charlene

    This makes sooo much sense and it actually works! The hard part sometimes is finding his “Buffy”.

    Reply
  8. fifi - 0

    fifi

    I’ve done all 3 pattern but my ex seems drifting away..I decided to be silent and converting myself to be an UG…there is slight hope to get him back, but there is slight hope to move on too…

    Reply
  9. B - 0

    B

    Value Chain!   This is what makes EBR so great! I love these articles!! Chris does such a great job giving perspective. Going through a “break” sometimes emotions cloud our mind. Chris gives you all the right tools in these articles. Now just need juicy material for my next text.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Thanks B! I’ll forward this to Chris!

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