How To Reach Out To An Ex Boyfriend

Lately it seems there is a lot of confusion on Ex Boyfriend Recovery when it comes to reaching out to your ex.

Some women think that the best way is through sending a text like this,

While others think a phone call is the way to go.

Oh, and let us not forget the poor women who show up on their exes doorstep like this,

Hey, no judging, we have all been there.

But the question remains,

Is there a preferred way to reach out to an ex?

Well, I suppose it all depends on what you ultimately want.

Every time I take on a new client or do a new interview with a student the very first thing I ask them is,

What is it that you ultimately want to achieve when it comes to romantic relationships in life?

And it never ceases to amaze me on how most of the time women can’t answer that one simple question.

Usually they will ask me to clarify or give them an example.

Example = I want to meet the man of my dreams and get married.

Now, it may seem really strange that I ask that question but it’s really not.

Knowing the end goal helps me tailor a game plan that is suited towards achieving that “dream scenario” that they gave in their answer.

And I am going to use that same method on you right now.

What Is The End Goal That You Have In Your Mind Around Your Ex

I am going to simplify this for you since I know most of the women reading this website are going to fall into one of two categories,

  1. Do you want to get back into a relationship with your ex?
  2. Do you just want to move on from your ex?

Because how you reach out to your ex is going to ride on which category you ultimately choose.

Actually….

I am going to level with you.

All that I am going to cover in this article is how to reach out to your ex if you want to get back into a relationship with him.

Why?

Well, because if you really want to get over your ex then you probably shouldn’t be reaching out to him.

I know…

I know…

The masses are screaming,

But Chris… I still want to be friends with my ex. What am I supposed to do then?

Well, I want you to consider something before you put all your stock into being friends with your ex.

Not a lot of people know this but studies have shown that the part of the brain that becomes active when someone is going through a breakup is the same part that becomes active when a cocaine addict is going through a withdrawal.

Now, what is it that an addict will often do when they are going through withdrawal?

Well, you’ll find that they’ll often do anything to get a high.

And with a breakup “getting high” is the equivalent to engage in your addiction with your ex again. So, it is best to limit yourself if you determine that you simply want to move on.

It is also why from this point on I am only going to focus this article on how to reach out to your ex boyfriend if you are trying to get him back.

Are you ready?

How To Reach Out To Your Ex If You Are Trying To Get Him Back

Are you familiar with the concept of a value ladder?

It’s something that most businesses use to try to maximize profits. It looks something like this,

The basic principle behind a value ladder is that once a customer buys something from you, you should offer them something else of value and repeat the process until they won’t buy anything from you again.

Lets use McDonalds as an example and say you go there to buy a burger and only a burger.

So, you get to the drive through window and order your burger (YUM.) But what is it that they ask you next?

Umm.. mam would you like to order our world famous fries for a dollar more?

Oh, and they don’t stop there.

After you add on the fries the next thing on their value ladder is a soft drink.

So, even though you initially went to McDonalds for a burger they ended up squeezing some extra dollars out of you by moving you up their value ladder.

So, you get the basic concept, right?

Well, what if I told you that you could create your own value ladder for your ex boyfriend.

Something that looks like this,

Notice that as you move your ex slowly up this ladder you are providing more value to him which in turn will make you more valuable to him.

But I also want you to take note of the fact that there are ultimately only ever two mediums where you should reach out to your ex.

(Remember, this article is only about reaching out to your ex. If you want more advice on talking to him I suggest you go here.)

Those two mediums are,

Texting

&

Phone Calls

Now, I structured this value ladder in this way very specifically to ensure that you aren’t freaking your ex out by coming on strong too soon.

What I’d like to do now is zone in on these two methods of “reaching out” so that I can explain them in greater detail.

The Right Way To Reach Out Via Text Messages

So, before I get into the nitty gritty of texting an ex I do want to talk a little bit about the value chain above.

You may have noticed that there is one important step that occurs before you “text” your ex boyfriend,

The no contact rule must occur before you even think about reaching out to your ex.

Why?

Because my team and I have found that over 70% of our success stories have utilized it in some way, shape or form.

In other words, the no contact rule is the foundation of which a successful “ex back” strategy is built on.

Without it the entire value ladder crumbles.

With it, it thrives.

So, you can kiss “reaching out” to your ex goodbye if you haven’t successfully completed it.

But let’s assume that you have completed it.

What then?

Well, then it is time to focus on texting your ex.

Now, I don’t know if you are aware of this but I work with hundreds of individuals trying to get their exes back every single day through my Private Support Group and one of the most prevalent questions I get there is,

What do I say in a text to my ex if I am reaching out to him?

Ultimately, I have found that a great “reach out” text to an ex consists of three main things.

  1. A Pattern Interrupt
  2. A Hook
  3. Story

Consider for a moment the end goal of reaching out to your ex via text.

You aren’t doing it simply to reach out, are you?

No, you are doing it because you want him to respond to you.

More than that, you want him to respond to you in a positive way.

So, you have to stack the odds in your favor any way you can and to date the most effective text messages that achieve that goal all have these three commonalities.

Let’s pick each one apart!

Component One: A Pattern Interrupt

What is a pattern interrupt?

Well, it’s not rocket science, I assure you.

It’s something that catches your exes attention instantly.

It can be something as simple as an “action phrase” like,

  • Oh my god…
  • You won’t believe what I just saw…
  • I have a crazy story to tell you…

Or something as complex as a picture in a text like this,

Ultimately the end goal is to make your ex do a double take on his own phone.

Got it?

Good!

Free On Demand Coaching
Yes, please

Component Two: A Hook

This is where things tend to get more complicated.

If your end goal by reaching out to your ex is to get him to respond then you are going to need a hook.

It’s basically something that makes your ex go,

“I can’t NOT respond to her.”

I find a lot of women struggle with coming up with a hook because they have no idea on how to hook a man in.

Well, that is what I am here for.

There is a trick to coming up with your hook, you see.

It all has to do with you utilizing your knowledge about his interests.

Every man has one thing that he fanboys out over,

It is your job to find that thing and use it as a hook to get him to respond.

For example, everyone knows that if you talk about Buffy The Vampire Slayer to me I will literally giggle and turn into a sixteen year old girl (even though I am about to turn 28 and I am a male….)

I mean seriously, I have put Buffy references all throughout this website (if you look hard enough.)

All you need to do is find your exes “Buffy.”

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Component Three: Story

What I am about to say here isn’t revolutionary but human beings love being told stories.

So, condense one and tell it to your ex through text.

It’s that simple!

…..

…..

Ok, maybe it’s not that simple.

The best stories will find a way to incorporate the pattern interrupt and hook into them.

I’ll give you an example.

Take the funny text message example I showed you above.

What if you were to pair that with,

All of a sudden the action phrase, the hook and the story are combined into one.

Now, isn’t this a text that you would want to respond to?

Yep!

Reaching Out Via Phone Calls

Let’s move on to our final “reach out” method here, phone calls.

Now, when I say phone calls I am also including video chat software such as,

  • Skype
  • FaceTime
  • And any others you can think of

I find that most of the women I work with don’t have a problem reaching out via phone calls. Instead, most of their issues lie with making sure the conversation extends.

For example, a lot of the women I work with get on the phone and have nothing of value to say.

Now, the reason this is a huge problem is because when you have nothing of value to say you get caught up in these awkward silences and they can be… well, awkward,

Once my team and I learned that so many women were having this problem we went on the offensive and started providing our clients with scripts of what to say on the phone calls.

The problem with that was most women can’t think quickly on their feet and so much of stimulating phone call conversations is bred in not seeming scripted so we quickly decided to change our game plan and instead started suggesting to our clients to enter the conversation with awkward silence fillers.

Go into the phone call with four or five stories written down that you can tell in the case of an awkward silence.

This way it seems like you are always contributing to the conversation in a very positive way.

Now, I don’t want to seem repetitive here but if you are going to tell your ex a story make sure it has the three components that we talked about above,

  1. The pattern interrupt (action phrase)
  2. The hook (based on your knowledge of what your ex likes)
  3. The story (a great story to back everything you say up)

Remember, you don’t have to have it scripted word for word but it does help to write some of this down so you can go into the phone call seeming as natural as possible in an unnatural situation.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

If you have any more questions about reaching out don’t be afraid to use the comments section below!

	https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/06/chris-avatar.jpg	

Written by EBR Teamate

Chris Seiter

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62 Comments on "How To Reach Out To An Ex Boyfriend"

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Giselle
Guest
Hey, I am brainstorming my first contact message now. I was in a sports store today and saw some merchandise from this very random football team that he loves. He’s from the middle of no where so it was kind of surprising to see their stuff in a store in my state. Anyway I was thinking for my first message I could take a quick little pic of the merchandise and say: Stumbled upon this in a store the other day and I couldn’t not show you. There may be some hidden fans of your team in my state! (Note:… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Giselle,

Yup, you can try that!

Giselle
Guest
Hey, I am brainstorming my first contact message now. I was in a sports store today and saw some merchandise from this very random football team that he loves. He’s from the middle of no where so it was kind of surprising to see their stuff in a store in my state. Anyway I was thinking for my first message I could take a quick little pic of the merchandise and say: Stumbled upon this in a store the other day and I couldn’t not show you. There may be some hidden fans of your team in my state! (Note:… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Giselle,

Yup, you can try that!

Nilüfer
Guest
Hey Chris, I am from Turkey and have been reading your articles. I like all of them. My story is like that: My bf left me becuz of any reasons. And we worked at the same place for 5 days we broke up. I didn’t know about nc rule so i made bad everything,i guess. On 18th August i wrote that i really miss him. And he said he won’t be back. But despite of his words i am doing nc rule and focusing on myself and many people say i got more beautiful and they say good comments to… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Nilufer,

It’s not a guarantee that it will work, it will only help increase your chances.. The nc rule is for you to be less emotional and more rational and to have a restart and to start a new routine in your life that is open to the poasibility of not getting him back

Nilüfer
Guest
Hey Chris, I am from Turkey and have been reading your articles. I like all of them. My story is like that: My bf left me becuz of any reasons. And we worked at the same place for 5 days we broke up. I didn’t know about nc rule so i made bad everything,i guess. On 18th August i wrote that i really miss him. And he said he won’t be back. But despite of his words i am doing nc rule and focusing on myself and many people say i got more beautiful and they say good comments to… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Nilufer,

It’s not a guarantee that it will work, it will only help increase your chances.. The nc rule is for you to be less emotional and more rational and to have a restart and to start a new routine in your life that is open to the poasibility of not getting him back

Angela
Guest

I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. He said it was for reasons at home which he did not want to say. And I tried to reach out to him yesterday. At first he was ok. After awhile he started talking about his issues. And I started to blame him for not telling me earlier. For not letting me be around when he was in a difficult time. Now he wouldn’t reply anymore. I think I screwed it.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Angela,

You broke up or he broke up with you? How are you now?

Angela
Guest

I broke up with my ex a few weeks ago. He said it was for reasons at home which he did not want to say. And I tried to reach out to him yesterday. At first he was ok. After awhile he started talking about his issues. And I started to blame him for not telling me earlier. For not letting me be around when he was in a difficult time. Now he wouldn’t reply anymore. I think I screwed it.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Hi Angela,

You broke up or he broke up with you? How are you now?

Alisia
Guest
Im in a bad situation,was in a Friends with benefit situation with a childhood friend,he fell in love with me when we got physical.We are childhood friends and we met each other after 5 years or so and i was emotinally down cause i was having a hard time moving over my ex and he helped me.He literally got me through it all.But i wasnt ready to return his love at that moment cause i thoguth it would be a rebound,wanted to give him my pure emotions and love.We stayed in a FWB for 1.5 years and then he suddenly… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor
Alisia
Guest
Im in a bad situation,was in a Friends with benefit situation with a childhood friend,he fell in love with me when we got physical.We are childhood friends and we met each other after 5 years or so and i was emotinally down cause i was having a hard time moving over my ex and he helped me.He literally got me through it all.But i wasnt ready to return his love at that moment cause i thoguth it would be a rebound,wanted to give him my pure emotions and love.We stayed in a FWB for 1.5 years and then he suddenly… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor
Bella
Guest

14 days into no contact, I saw my ex boyfriend on the bus. I looked away, to show him that I was not there on purpose (I had begged for him not to break up). I wanted to make him understand that I am no longer in this desperate mindset. Is the NC ruined now and do I need to start over the NC? (we never talked, just had eye contact). I was planning to write to him on day 21 or 30.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

nope.. you just have to continue the count.

Bella
Guest

14 days into no contact, I saw my ex boyfriend on the bus. I looked away, to show him that I was not there on purpose (I had begged for him not to break up). I wanted to make him understand that I am no longer in this desperate mindset. Is the NC ruined now and do I need to start over the NC? (we never talked, just had eye contact). I was planning to write to him on day 21 or 30.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

nope.. you just have to continue the count.

Lina
Guest

After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?

Lina
Guest

After short period of time,we broke up last year. I did the NC but nothing happened.After breakup we had been together few times,we never slept together just kissing and once make out. Each time he never call or text me. We just don’t communicate. And I feel like he doesn’t care. It’s very sad. Can you please tell me or suggest what should I do?

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

well, it’s not a guarantee that it will work but what did you mean that it doesnt work? how many times have you done it?

Deidre S
Guest
my long distance boyfriend of two years just broke two weeks ago He sent me a text saying he was seeing someone local and I should do the same. But I know his recent past and maybe we will see each other again if i am available and willing. Please feel free to text me whenever you want to.. I will always consider you a very special friend. I am so sorry I let you down.” After some heated texts and conversations, the last text i sent him was that I wanted my dog and would let him know if… Read more »
Deidre S
Guest
my long distance boyfriend of two years just broke two weeks ago He sent me a text saying he was seeing someone local and I should do the same. But I know his recent past and maybe we will see each other again if i am available and willing. Please feel free to text me whenever you want to.. I will always consider you a very special friend. I am so sorry I let you down.” After some heated texts and conversations, the last text i sent him was that I wanted my dog and would let him know if… Read more »
Andrea
Guest

hi ,i have a question what if your ex contacts you during the no contact period and asks what would change if we were to get back together?

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

It depends on the reason why you broke up.. but generally I wouldn’t reply to that because he’s not asking to get back together. He’s just asking what would change..

Andrea
Guest

hi ,i have a question what if your ex contacts you during the no contact period and asks what would change if we were to get back together?

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

It depends on the reason why you broke up.. but generally I wouldn’t reply to that because he’s not asking to get back together. He’s just asking what would change..

Ally
Guest
Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again

Ivy
Guest
Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again

Ally
Guest
Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again

Ivy
Guest
Hi. My bf on and off of two years got into a huge argument where things got intense emotionally esp. on my end. Pretty much there was an insensitive drunken prank played by one of his friends where the friend used my bf’s phone to send me a text saying: “I love you. But I never said I wanted you with all the weight/fat”. I read this not knowing it was the friend. The next day my bf tells me it wasn’t him but the drunk friend who sent it without him knowing and they got into a heated argument… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

it looks like he’s just emotional.. give it a week before talking to him again

Ilse
Guest

Hi,

How do I respond to my man when he’s under stress? If I call him, he would be in a testy mood. If i dont, I’m not being caring.

Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Does he say you’re not being caring or you’re the only one thinking you’re not being caring?

Ilse
Guest

I dunno how to reach out to him. Its like he’s going into his cave time. How do I address him that I’m there for him? He didn’t say that I’m not caring. But I think that I’m not caring for his situation.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

dont assume.. just be caring.. you need to have more conversations to build rapport… because being “caring” when you dont have connection is weird

Ilse
Guest

Hi,

How do I respond to my man when he’s under stress? If I call him, he would be in a testy mood. If i dont, I’m not being caring.

Thanks.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Does he say you’re not being caring or you’re the only one thinking you’re not being caring?

Ilse
Guest

I dunno how to reach out to him. Its like he’s going into his cave time. How do I address him that I’m there for him? He didn’t say that I’m not caring. But I think that I’m not caring for his situation.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

dont assume.. just be caring.. you need to have more conversations to build rapport… because being “caring” when you dont have connection is weird

Harpija
Guest
my case is totally crazy. So everything from the beginning. September 2015 I met my ex in Finland. October 2015 we started to live together till the end of the year. January 2016 we returned to our countries and started long distance relationship till July 2015 when I came to live in his country, but in another, city because of Job. January 2017 he said that he needs time to be alone. It was a difficult month, we fought a lot. February 2017 he broke up with me. Reason: “I don’t think that I love you.” For one week, I… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

aside from the advice above, check this one too:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

Harpija
Guest
my case is totally crazy. So everything from the beginning. September 2015 I met my ex in Finland. October 2015 we started to live together till the end of the year. January 2016 we returned to our countries and started long distance relationship till July 2015 when I came to live in his country, but in another, city because of Job. January 2017 he said that he needs time to be alone. It was a difficult month, we fought a lot. February 2017 he broke up with me. Reason: “I don’t think that I love you.” For one week, I… Read more »
EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

aside from the advice above, check this one too:
EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

August
Guest

Thanks for a great article Chris!!

Charlene
Guest

This makes sooo much sense and it actually works! The hard part sometimes is finding his “Buffy”.

fifi
Guest

I’ve done all 3 pattern but my ex seems drifting away..I decided to be silent and converting myself to be an UG…there is slight hope to get him back, but there is slight hope to move on too…

B
Guest

Value Chain!   This is what makes EBR so great! I love these articles!! Chris does such a great job giving perspective. Going through a “break” sometimes emotions cloud our mind. Chris gives you all the right tools in these articles. Now just need juicy material for my next text.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Thanks B! I’ll forward this to Chris!

August
Guest

Thanks for a great article Chris!!

Charlene
Guest

This makes sooo much sense and it actually works! The hard part sometimes is finding his “Buffy”.

fifi
Guest

I’ve done all 3 pattern but my ex seems drifting away..I decided to be silent and converting myself to be an UG…there is slight hope to get him back, but there is slight hope to move on too…

B
Guest

Value Chain! This is what makes EBR so great! I love these articles!! Chris does such a great job giving perspective. Going through a “break” sometimes emotions cloud our mind. Chris gives you all the right tools in these articles. Now just need juicy material for my next text.

EBR Team Member: Amor
Guest
EBR Team Member: Amor

Thanks B! I’ll forward this to Chris!