Today we are going to be talking about why your ex isn’t responding to you.
More importantly, we are going to talk about what you can do about it to change the dynamics and get your ex excited to respond to you.
Sounds too good to be true, right?
But I think as you read this article you’ll learn that a lot of the reasons for why your ex isn’t responding to you is self inflicted.
But more on that in a second.
For now, there are four main things I’d like to talk to you about.
4 Reasons Your Ex Isn’t Responding To You And What You Can Do About It
After a lot of debate I have determined that there are really four things that I’d like this article to cover,
- You’ve Been Labeled As The “Crazy Ex”
- You Are Only Talking About Things That Interest You
- You Don’t Have A Hook
- You Failed To Build Up Enough Excitement To Get A Response
The really interesting thing is that a lot of the clients I work with ask me this question and after working with them and dissecting their situations I notice that a lot of the reasons their exes don’t want to talk to them are due to self inflicted wounds.
The four “reasons” above are those wounds.
Allow me to elaborate.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizReason #1: You’ve Been Labeled As The “Crazy Ex”
When I was 20 years old I met a girl.
That’s the start of every great story, isn’t it?
Anyways, the girl “kind of ” caught my interest but I wouldn’t go as far as saying that I was captivated with her.
It was one of those situations where you meet someone and you think to yourself,
She’s interesting…
At that point I had been through enough heartbreak to know that you don’t go “all in” on someone unless you know there is a strong chance of your feelings being reciprocated.
A week is all it took for me to realize that this girl was crazy.
Now, people throw that word around but no one really defines it so I’ll be the first to attempt.
Crazy = Emotionally Unstable Stalker
Picture this,
And multiply it by one hundred.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThis girl that I met was that crazy.
I knew her for a week and she already thought she had claim to me.
I’ll never forget the day I realized that she was emotionally unstable.
She got angry at me for not responding to her fast enough.
Bear in mind, I have known this girl for a week.
Anyways, it’s not like this was the first time I had ever witnessed this behavior so I texted her this to be open and honest with her,
It backed her off immediately.
In fact, she became very apologetic and her behavior was a bit better for the next week or so. However, one thing I’ve learned about humans is that change is difficult to enact.
Usually what happens when someone decides to “change” is that they do… for a short period of time and slowly get back to their old habits.
Anyways, a week goes by and she pulls the same old song and dance again.
This time I was less forgiving and blocked her.
I told you this little story to give you insight into one of the reasons your ex may not be responding to you.
If you’ve done something that proves you are emotionally unstable that can sometimes be enough to make someone avoid you.
Reason #2: You Are Only Talking About Things That Interest You
I’ve been coaching people through breakups for almost seven years.
You tend to learn a lot when you focus on something for seven years.
For example, one thing I wasn’t counting on was learning how self interested human beings are.
Take my clients as an example.
Most of them come to me because they want their exes back.
They want their exes back because it’ll make them feel better.
It’s all rooted in self interest.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThat’s pretty easy to understand but let’s look at something as seemingly insignificant as having a conversation with someone.
I’m about to admit something that is probably going to get me in trouble later but that’s just how much I care about you guys 🙂 .
I love my wife more than anything.
However, when she starts talking about projects around the house or things that aren’t really interesting to me I can zone out a bit.
Why?
Because it’s not overly interesting to me.
It’s not that I find her boring or anything like that it’s just that when a conversation gets boring I can zone out.
This is the exact reason I see so many people fail when they text their exes.
People like to attack the problem in their own way with their own blinders on.
By doing that they fail to realize that their exes don’t really care at all what they are talking about.
Reason #3: You Don’t Have A Hook
A few weeks ago I created a YouTube video where I was talking about the importance of having a hook when you text your ex,
In that video I talk about this idea of how “great hooks” combine two concepts,
- Curiosity
- Self Interest
When I first started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I falsely believed that all you needed to do to get an ex to respond to you was create enough curiosity.
But curiosity alone isn’t enough to get someone to respond to a text for example.
Especially if that someone wants nothing to do with you.
That’s where my little speech on self interest above comes into play.
If you craft a text that really hones in on your exes self interest you are likely to get a response.
The problem is that out of every coaching client I’ve ever had none actually do this.
I can’t tell you how many times a client will come to me complaining about the fact that their ex isn’t responding to their texts only to learn that the texts they sent were basic one word “reach outs” like this,
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou’re going to need a better hook than that.
Reason #4: You Failed To Build Up Enough Excitement To Get A Response
Throughout the history of Ex Boyfriend Recovery and my coaching business there have been two consistent strategies that I employ.
- The No Contact Rule
- The Zeigarnik Effect
For this reason I’d like to zone in on the zeigarnik effect because it is very relevant.
To begin, the zeigarnik effect states that people remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.
I’ve often cited the zeigarnik effect as a reason for why hollywood shows like Game of Thrones are so popular.
It’s because there is no immediate resolution and we have to wait another week to see what happens.
That uncompleted tasks annoys and excites us.
If you are trying to get your ex back and you come at this process by being boring or unmemorable in your interactions your ex isn’t going to want to talk to you.
Think of it like this,
Let’s pretend this is what the average conversation with your ex looks like.
Notice that at the beginning the conversation builds up in excitement until it inevitably peaks and then as time wears on that excitement lessens.
Most of the clients I work with tend to end conversations here,
Now, at a glance that may not seem like a big deal but what if I were to tell you that it actually is.
You aren’t giving your ex enough of a reason to get excited about talking to you again.
You aren’t taking advantage of the zeigarnik effect.
By ending the conversation here,
It actually becomes much more memorable.
You are ending the conversation without resolution.
Your ex craves resolution.
Here’s another little thought experiment to illustrate this point.
Let’s say that I were to walk into your house and leave the door open.
I stay there for four hours and the entire time the door is open.
All throughout my stay one singular though occupies your mind.
I wan to close that fuc*ing door…
Why?
Because it’s an uncompleted task.
The same principle applies to your ex.
Give them a reason to be excited to talk to you.
Now, that also leads us to another interesting question.
What happens if your conversation looks like this?
In other words, what do you do if your conversation never gets off the ground?
Well, then your problem isn’t so much that your conversation is going on too long but that it’s not interesting enough.
In this particular circumstance the reason your ex isn’t responding to you is probably because you aren’t doing enough in conversation to hold their interest.
You aren’t making them excited to talk to you because your conversations are boring.
My recommendation in this case is to actually check out my book so I can help you spice up your conversations.
Mona
September 18, 2019 at 9:08 am
Hey Chris,
I was with a guy for about 6 months,we met through a friend, and started off with a very promising long-distance,we tried meeting every 2 months and spent at least a week together,the problem was that after we crossed more than a month of not meeting he would start being distant, the immediate month after meeting would be pure bliss, to be honest,So the last few months he was in touch with his long-time Ex {there was a short gap between their breakup and us dating} they run in the same circle, she went through a breakup recently and their contact increased I caught on in time, about what was happening, all in all, I ended things because of this two month cycle and my doubts about his ex which claims are not true{but have been confirmed by his friends},but I got to know the day we broke up that he spent the night at hers,how do i understand what’s happening in his head,is there hope or he is gone for good back to her and I was someone who just a filler.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 19, 2019 at 4:47 pm
Hey Mona, it is hard to deal with the fact that hes been talking to his ex again but you need to read the materials here. Implement a no contact on your ex if you want to start rebuilding the attraction
Laura
July 25, 2019 at 6:33 am
My ex broke up with me because he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship (after 2 years together). He had asked me to move in with him and we were on the verge of doing so when he broke it off. He gave me the “it’s not you it’s me,” “I don’t feel the same way I did in the beginning,” “I don’t feel like we were compatible and if we stay together it will just get messy” along with adding, “you’ll meet somebody better” reasons. We talked a week after the break up, and he told me he didn’t love me anymore but that he’d always care about me. I went no contact but broke it after 20 days to apologize for what I felt my rule in the break up was, but did it in a way that he couldn’t respond. Later, I took a car load of his stuff over to his parents shop and his mom came in and asked me if I was okay. She told me that he said he broke up with me because he wasn’t ready to move in together. He never had that conversation with me. I messaged him after another 2 weeks of no contact asking if we could talk but no response (honestly, I need him to mail me my house key…but since he didn’t respond, I’m not sure if I should just follow up with that?) I’m unsure if there’s any hope in this situation. I obviously have to go back to no contact… But would like my house key back ♀️
m
February 1, 2019 at 7:22 am
Hi Chris, I need to ask what I can do if my ex ignored me after I said something that potentially hurt his feelings. He wanted to see me again and before I could stop myself I sent him a messaging saying that I forgave him for using me for sex in the past but it won’t happen this time, so, if he is willing to put that aside I will see him. He replied instantly saying, ‘Screw you for saying I used you for sex.’
It’s been 3 days and he’s been ignoring me, I explained myself but he isn’t responding, what now?
Kara Raley
December 25, 2018 at 10:49 pm
Hi Chris, I need some help if you have any insight on my current situation. I am still in a relationship with my boyfriend of 4 months, but I feel we are on the verge of a sudden breakup. Everything has been wonderful and great up until a couple weeks ago. My boyfriend started texting me less and less, but nothing seemed out of the ordinary when we were together, so I didn’t think anything about his distance. I started getting one word responses the other day when he DID text me back. Now It’s been 2 days since he has contacted me at all. I think I have been too good of a girlfriend. I enjoyed doing nice things for him-cooking him dinners, cleaning his house, running errands for him. Why has he suddenly become so distant? I sent him a text last night about how I think we both have needed some space, so I’ve backed off. But I just want to make sure everything is all right and that I care about him so much and just want him to be happy and I have yet to receive a response. Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!
-Kara
Chris Seiter
December 25, 2018 at 11:25 pm
Hi Kara!
So its unclear what is going on and how he truly feels about the relationship. But if he continues to pull away, then you might want to consider implementing no contact as I teach it in my Program
Lynne
December 10, 2018 at 7:56 pm
Hi Chris,
Actually used the program to get him back about 1.5 years ago. He “made me” ask him for a break about two months ago now and I immediately went into NC. (He has some depression/internal issues that were causing problems with us, even though the actual problems had nothing to do with me/us) anyway, did an NC for just over 45 days (because of thanksgiving) and got a good response. He said he’s been thinking about me a lot. BUT about half of the small conversations we’ve had since then, he’ll seem really excited to talk and then just stop responding. What should I do?
Chris Seiter
December 10, 2018 at 11:16 pm
Hi Lynn…..some hot and cold behavior is not too unusual, particularly if he is have some depression/stress issues. So some positive here with an opportunity to slowly build on. Think little steps.
Lauren
November 17, 2018 at 5:39 pm
Hi Chris,
Me and my ex of more than two years broke up about 4 months ago and almost immediately went into NC. We spoke for the first time earlier this week, and it went really well. We even made plans to get together this coming Monday, but after two days of texting/convo, he sort of dropped off the map. I last texted him two days ago and he didn’t respond. I’m wondering if I should even ask if he still wants to get together on Monday, or let it be and go back to NC. When an ex is hot/cold, is it best to back off and wait for them to make a move? I don’t want to set myself back from the progress I’ve made…thanks for your insight!
Chris Seiter
November 18, 2018 at 7:32 pm
Hi Lauren!
I think you benefit more from NC. Check out my Program to make sure you are doing it in accordance with the way I teach it!
sam
November 9, 2018 at 4:15 pm
Just sent my first text after no contact which was over 40 days. It’s been well over 12 hours since the text was sent and I haven’t gotten a response? How long is too long to wait to expect a response? And where do I go from here?
Chris Seiter
November 10, 2018 at 2:05 am
Hi Sam….its highly variable…so many factors influence when one may get a response. Do you have an ex recovery plan such as one of my ebooks as it will help you on this journey.
Tran
November 9, 2018 at 11:24 am
Hi Chris,
I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in LDR over a year. He had on/off 2 times before. His aunt called me and let me know his father’s death. I know his family very well so I wrote an email with a short condolence message to him. More than 3 weeks, I’m still not get his respond. I really get over him but I want to know about this.
Thank you.
Tran
Chris Seiter
November 10, 2018 at 2:11 am
Hi Tran….that was nice of you to write the email condolence message. But he was not very nice in not acknowledging it. That gives you more insight into this person.
Maya
November 8, 2018 at 10:23 pm
Hey Chris. Me ex & I have been over for 2 months. Last time I seen him he approached & we had a nice chat, even though he had stopping responding to my text after a month of not talking. Even so after that he would look at my post, at times quite quickly like just days ago. Suddenly he decided to not look at my post. I have a feeling he is doing it on purpose. I’m confused & it makes me angry as well. I’ve never been clingy with & also really nice to him. Maybe that’s what I get for being to nice..what could it be? Should I continue to post or go ghost. I don’t want to show him his behavior effects me.
Chris Seiter
November 8, 2018 at 11:30 pm
Hi Maya!
Yes…maybe he is playing some games. Just do what pleases you. By the way, are you following an ex recovery plan?
Sofia
November 8, 2018 at 4:57 am
Hey Chris, so it’s been 5 months since I’ve last updated you haha, so I doubt you remember me and my situation, but here goes. So me and David talked for the first time since the breakup last month. The first night we talked, we cleared everything up. I clarified that I wasn’t falsely spreading rumors, and he apologized for ending things the way he did. He admitted that he’s a prideful person and he lets it get in the way of his feelings. He talked about how much it “hurt” him that my parents supposedly had a bad opinion of him. He even told me to listen to a song that he listened to when we broke up. It was a really nice conversation, we talked until 4 am. After that he pretty much texted me first everyday for about a week, and I would leave him on read because I didn’t want to seem like I was begging for a conversation. Also, he was a bit rude? And now, one month later, he barely texts me anymore. And when he does, he’s really rude to me, saying stuff like “glad we aren’t together anymore”. Maybe he says it playfully, but it’s hard to tell when that’s the only way he acts with me now. 2 weeks ago he FaceTimed me for 3 hours, and he wasn’t all that rude. But idk, now whenever he does text me it’s just to be mean. And sometimes when I text him he’ll leave me on read. I really don’t understand all these mixed signals. He FaceTimes me, and texts me first, but he only texts me to be mean. Once I told him “if you’re just going to be rude, then stop texting me.” And all he said was “no.” So it’s like, he wants to talk to me, but just to be rude? Or then he’ll end up leaving me on read, even if it’s in the middle of a conversation? Also, on Monday (today is Wednesday), he gave me a ride to school. The ride was great, we goofing off, laughing the entire time. And then we started taking turns with the aux cord, playing sad breakup songs and telling each other that was how we felt when we broke up. And then he played this one song whose lyrics pretty much go like this (it’s a Spanish song): “why do we have to accept being only friends, how can I forget you when you’re always on my mind, I miss you” and blah blah. Then about 20 minutes after parting ways and going to class I texted him. He left me on read. So I texted him a couple hours later, and he left me on read again, and didn’t talk to me at all that day. On Tuesday he sent me a snapchat, but it was the same thing that was on his story so I just left him on read. Today, I practically bumped into him in the hall, he looked directly at me and didn’t say anything so I said hey and he straight up ignored me and walked past me. So now, about an hour ago (it’s 10 pm) I sent him a Snapchat and he left me on read again. Please help me understand these mixed signals Chris, I really don’t get it. How can 2 days ago he was dedicating these heartbroken songs to me, but now he acts like I don’t exist? I was wondering if maybe I should restart the no contact rule, even thought it’s been 8 months since we’ve broken up lol.
Chris Seiter
November 8, 2018 at 11:45 pm
I remember you Sofia. Absolutely!
Don’t worry about the silly behavior in the hall. Guys can act stupid for no reason whatsoever. Just play it cool. Pull back a bit, but be positive and always wear a smile.
Maria
November 7, 2018 at 11:37 am
If I’m “the crazy one”, there’s anything I can do to change the situation?
I’m usually pretty ok, but a few days ago I had an emotional break down and called him a few names and now there’s nothing but silence.
Chris Seiter
November 8, 2018 at 3:10 am
Maria….we know you are NOT the crazy one. Your ex must be the crazy one for having left you! Sometimes its good to get stuff out of your system. Now if we could all turn the clock back, we would handle things differently. Do you have my eBook. It might help you with a sensible approach going forward!
Lea
November 7, 2018 at 4:33 am
My guy best friend & I have a sorted history. A few months ago though, he confessed feelings and asked me to marry him. He didn’t have a ring so I called his bluff and said well, buy a ring and then ask me. He lives 6 hours away now so he asked me could we work something out long distance in the meantime. I said yes and that was our first time being intimate. To me that meant him eventually moving back home. To him, it meant me moving me and my kids up there. Ok so after a short time of us trying to work on moving our relationship forward, I abruptly ended it with him. I was angry because he tends to not reply to my texts or leave me hanging. He sux at texting and is more of a phone talker. However he was working nights and I was working days so with him being horrible at replying it left for us not communicating. Anyway, I ended it and blocked him and we didn’t talk for months. Months later I reach out and he was happy to hear from me. We small talked here n there and he always seemed happy to hear from me but NEVER reaches out to me first. So…last week, I text him to ask how he’s doing. He asked could he call me? Again he isn’t much for texting. He called me and we talked for hours and cleared the air and it was mostly him that began the conversation and trying to figure out what had gone wrong. He told me how much he missed me. I said the same. He asked me if I still loved him and my response was that I’m still angry. He told me that he had asked about me to mutual friends and heard I was dating and told our friends he didn’t want to know. He asked me if I was seeing anyone and told me he isn’t seeing anyone. He was, but said she was just a distraction to fill a void after what happened with us. He told me I really hurt him when I said he couldn’t make me happy because he felt like he wasn’t good enough. When really it was the simplest thing I needed him to fix. He told me I just threw him away and that no matter what, he would never ever do that to me. Well we cleared the air and he asked me to move up there again. He said he just can’t move down here for financial reasons and wants me up there. I told him I can’t move my daughters up there and take them away from their grandparents and cousins etc . He didn’t reply to that comment and it was like crickets. I didn’t hear from him after that. I’m tired of having to be the one to reach out yet when I do, he has all this stuff to tell me????? So two days after that was his birthday so I had to say something. I messaged him Happy birthday, my friend, (assuming that’s what we are now), and he replied thank you. I text him today to chat and he will reply for awhile and then drops off. Am I crazy? Or is he stupid? What was the point of that whole conversation the other day?? Did he just need to get it off his chest and now we leave each other alone and move on? Do I stop trying to reach out? I don’t reach out daily. It’s been twice a week small talk until the other day when he wanted to talk about everything. I’m so confused
Chris Seiter
November 8, 2018 at 3:17 am
Hi Lea…wow..you have been thru a lot. No you are not crazy and yes…some guys are a little, sometimes a lot stupid. Just stick with the ex recovery plan I lay out in my program.
Emmy
November 7, 2018 at 2:23 am
Hello,
I dated a guy for over a year, and while we broke up a couple months ago we remained friends and continued flirtation. After we got in a little (and I mean little) argument he stopped responding to me, then a couple days later ( A couple weeks ago) he told me he couldn’t be friends or around me anymore and completely blocked me. In the past we have gone on a break and he came back. We’ve been through so much together (even 2 miscarriages) I don’t understand how he could just up and leave after all that. I’m trying no contact and I even left him a letter saying this doesn’t sound like him. I’m worried that he truly won’t come back and I don’t know what to do.
Chris Seiter
November 8, 2018 at 3:22 am
Hi Emmy!
I am so sorry for some of these difficult experiences you have had. No contact, when practiced properly, should allow for your healing and many other things that should be part of a sensible ex recovery plan. Take a look at any of the resources you find on my site to help you!
Lala
November 6, 2018 at 1:52 am
Hi Chris, thanks for replying! What does “ABI” text stand for again?
Chris Seiter
November 6, 2018 at 3:58 am
Always Be Interesting (ABI)
Hannah
November 5, 2018 at 7:28 pm
Hi Chris!
I commented on another post, and I don’t know if it went through. If it got posted twice I apologize! I was ghosted essentially by my boyfriend of almost two years. Our relationship was amazing, I was nothing but good to him. Towards the end I noticed him pulling away, which eventually lead to a falling out in regards to a mutual friend saying that he was flirting with other girls and saying that we were on a “break.” I confronted, he denied it and at first I believed him, gave him ample space, but when we revisited it and spoke, he never responded to my text or voicemail about whether we should work it out or breakup. He exited without an explanation, forcing me to move on.
I sent him a letter for closure explaining how I interpreted his actions and that I was moving on. With the space, I realize it was probably true about the girls. Did he have the grass is greener syndrome? Will guilt start to plague him at all? His mom even reached out to me and expressed how upset she was and that she misses me. (He won’t like my posts on Instagram but he creepily sees everything super fast when I post on my stories.) I don’t understand how someone who loved and pursued me for this long could exit this easily. Will it hit him later? Will he come crawling back because there was no real closure and because I have seemingly moved on? I have followed all of your advice. This is unlike really anything I have read so I wondered if there was any blog post or topic more catered to this. Thanks!
Chris Seiter
November 5, 2018 at 9:07 pm
Hi Hannah!
I am sorry he ghosted you. Some guys can be so stupid and insensitive. Stay true to your No Contact plan as it has the healing component as well as doing things to reinforce your value. Time is the real arbitrator in matters like this. But you can bend time to your will if you employ the right attraction tactics.
Lala
November 5, 2018 at 4:16 pm
Hi Chris, after 60 days no contact, I texted him a boring, just saying hello, hope you’re doing well type of text. He responded 36 hours later with a “Thank you, same for you sweetheart.” What should I do?
Chris Seiter
November 5, 2018 at 9:25 pm
Hi Lala!
Well, that sound promising. I hope you have my eBook as I get into all of this in detail. Take things slow, wait a few days and send one of the
“ABI” text messages.