Congratulations for making it this far into the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program!
Ideally, if you are reading this, then you have finished no contact.
(If you don’t have any clue what I am talking about then please go read this immediately)
Now I bet you’re wondering “how am I going to text my ex?“.
What if I told you it’s not as complicated as you think it is? I bet you would think I am crazy.
Well, you’re wrong!
Yes, there are more emotions and history behind you two now but that wasn’t always the case. I bet if I asked you, you would remember your what it was like before you dated with perfect detail. What you wore, what you talked about, where you went and probably what you ate.
Now do you remember how you guys first start talking?
I bet there were a lot of awkward silences, small talk and even times where you didn’t talk to each other.
You know the “before time”
“The Before Time”
Think of this as the before time.
Before you were dating. Take yourself out of the mindset of a partner. The less expectations you have the easier this process is. No, I’m not saying be negative and think this won’t work and give up.
Rather, I want you to understand that your partner doesn’t owe you anything anymore.
They don’t have to text or call you anymore and they don’t have to answer. When you can accept that the anxiety of this phase disappears. It even helps if you say “wow they are responsive. That has to mean something”.
Now you’re just looking at this person as a regular guy or girl you are interested in.
The only difference between your ex and a crush is your history. But really, the history you two have is your advantage.
You know things about him now which makes it easier to engage unlike any other crush. But it’s also harder than any other crush because of your history. Getting an ex to chase you requires rapport building. One of the common ways to build rapport is through texting.
Now to build rapport you have to have something to talk about. You can’t send a whole lot of texts and have nothing to say.
Do your research and start building an arsenal of subjects to talk about.
I suggest thinking about your ex’s interests. Start making a list of things they liked and disliked. This will get the creative juices flowing.
I recommend to not text unless you have something to say because then you don’t control the conversation. If the conversation doesn’t have any direction, then it can go bad real fast. Your ex might start bringing up bad memories or maybe you will.
Maybe you’ll slip up and get emotional.
The point is we need to put on a face and prove ourselves to be the Ungettable Girls we know we are.
Now, this begs an interesting question.
How do you control where the conversation goes?
Simple! It’s your first text!
Go Fishing, Have A Good Hook And Bait
When you’re in the texting phase you will find yourself wondering,
“What am I going to text my ex that will draw him into a conversation?”.
The truth is that you already know the answer to that. The one advantage you have by being the ex is knowledge. You know what your ex likes and doesn’t like and that will help you get your ex talking.
Now when texting your ex think of it as a game or fishing.
Now, even a city dweller like me understands the concepts of fishing.
You throw your hook and bait into the water and wait patiently for a bite. Of course we don’t know when the fish will bite but that’s why patience is the most important thing.
Now, think of your topic as the bait that will lure the fish in. You want a topic that your ex will be interested in chatting about.
Think of something your ex likes or even something your ex hates.
I know what you’re thinking “Why should I text my ex about something he hates?”
Hear me out. Think of a time you ran into a friend and you happened to mention a place you went to and your friend says they were there once and hated it.
Remember how much detail they went over? They went on and on about how bad it was?
Now because your friend keeps going on and on about their dreadful experience you’re scanning the room for an escape.
At this point you’ve said bye to them like 4 times and there’s no sign of them giving up.
You’ve given up on life and you accepted your fate and now you will never get out of the freezer section!
Oh sorry I had a flashback and went on without realizing it!
See what I did there?
The same theory applies to your ex!
Of course I would recommend building some rapport with more positive texts first.
Now that we covered the bait let’s talk about the hook. Having good bait can only take you so far. The fish might bite but if the hook isn’t sharp enough it won’t catch the fish. So, how do you have a good hook?
Simple! It’s all about your format!
Think of it like comedy. Any comedian will tell you the whole joke is about to build up. That build up to the punchline is very important. The same thing goes with texting. You want to build up to the point of your text and you want him at the edge of his seat the entire time.
Of course when you get the punchline then you have to worry about while what’s next.
Have a Plan A, B and C
When I am in the texting phase I generally have a rule to have several texts drafted before I send anything out.
All the drafts will be similar in format with a good hook and something that will engage him. I also try to make some of them about the same topic and some about something entirely different.
Too often I would come across an instance where I ran things to say to somebody or I noticed that they are falling off the conversation. So what do you do? Bring up another topic! And I know what you’re thinking “How do I do that?” well this goes back to the original principles of the texting phase.
Do you remember the Zeigarnik effect?
Well I will do you a favor and help break it down for you really quickly.
The Zeigarnik effect is when a person experiences a pattern interrupt. Basically it states that human beings remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.
Think of Sheldon from Big Bang theory!
When he hears a song and someone just stops singing in the middle of a verse people he takes it upon himself to finish the song.
This is why ending the conversation first is so important.
If you’re having a good exchange with your ex you will eventually want to stop in the middle of that exchange.
This makes your ex want to finish that conversation.
Now let’s play this out. You send your first text and you hooked him in. The two of you go back and forth for a little bit.
However, you notice after you delivered the point of your conversation now he is not as responsive.
Now is the time to strike!
Don’t text back. In fact, you don’t text back for a few hours. Maybe even fall off the conversation before you get to that point. This will have a greater effect of your ex because it will drive them crazy you didn’t finish your story!
Now if you’re like me you probably use Technology to your advantage.
If you feel like you won’t be able to hold yourself back from texting immediately I propose scheduling a text. Android phones these days have the ability to schedule a message to the time and date you want be sent out. iPhone’s have third-party apps that can do the same thing.
To reduce a lot of anxiety you can schedule your message to be sent out so you don’t have to think or worry about it.
I find myself scheduling messages days early and then I totally forget about them. I’ve unconsciously discovered a system that allows me to relax and not panic when I reach out to someone.
Let’s say you stop texting back and now have decided “I’m going to go with my Plan B in a couple of hours”.
Schedule that message with a good hook that’ll lure him back into the conversation.
The more time you get your ex to commit to you in a single day will make a world the difference when you moving further into the texting and rapport building.
You’ll be more likely to continue conversations because you gotten your ex comfortable with the idea of talking to you for longer and you also have become more interesting to your ex because now you have more things to say.
Be The Dolores Umbridge of Texting
To put it simply nothing ever goes quite the way we want to.
I have noticed a lot of people expect to get to an everyday basis of texting their ex in the texting phase within a certain timeframe.
What if I told you that there is no timeframe?
Every situation is different and there is no one text or one way to go about it. To put it simply we can only provide guidelines to help you but the only thing that’s going to really work is your knowledge of your ex.
Maybe he’s not into texting, maybe he’s very busy can only text at certain times of the day, maybe they will only text during the week or only on weekends. Truth be told this process requires a lot of patience and the texting phase is by far the hardest phase you have to go through because this is what will lead into the other phases.
There is only one rule to this phase and that is to be as positive as you can be.
You are going to have to be the Dolores Umbridge of texting.
She’s the evil pink lady from Harry Potter for those of you who do not know.
Go ahead look her up, you will hate her more than any other character ever.
(Except maybe Joffery from Game of Thrones)
Do you want to know why she stands out as an evil villain?
She’s not with you expect. Most villains are dark and dreary and wear I constant on in their face. However, she is smiling and wearing pink!
And here’s the part that really gets me.
When she’s mad she’s wearing a smile.
There is murder in her eyes and yet she is smiling.
For that reason, she was so hard to convict of being evil. She hides behind this fake and perfect personality and no one can convict her of being evil until she’s caught in for her actions.
What’s my point?
Wear a smile!
Never show how much the situations really bothers you! Your ex wants you to be dark and dreary. They want you to act out when they put into a negative situation. Don’t let them make you upset and don’t show it if they do.
When you’re questioning why your ex is telling you something that will obviously make you upset it’s because they’re trying to make you upset.
They’re testing to see how emotional you are. Do not fall for that trap. Never send an emotional, angry and clingy texts. They are your enemy and they will only hurt you.
This is one of the reasons why no contact is so important. During no contact you should work on yourself and regain confidence in yourself. A confident person wouldn’t text somebody in anger or sadness. They will simply say well this is not worth my time and move on.
So when you get the negative text…don’t answer. Wait a few of days and pick up as if nothing happened. In the meantime, post on social media and fake it till you make it. Go out and show that you’re having fun because I guarantee that it will drive your ex crazy.
Eventually you won’t be faking it. Eventually you will be smiling and be happy again. And when you are genuinely happy you will see a change and everyone around you.