By Chris Seiter

Updated on April 9th, 2021

Congratulations for making it this far into the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program!

Ideally, if you are reading this, then you have finished no contact.

(If you don’t have any clue what I am talking about then please go read this immediately)

Now I bet you’re wondering “how am I going to text my ex?“.

What if I told you it’s not as complicated as you think it is? I bet you would think I am crazy.

Well, you’re wrong!

Yes, there are more emotions and history behind you two now but that wasn’t always the case. I bet if I asked you, you would remember your what it was like before you dated with perfect detail. What you wore, what you talked about, where you went and probably what you ate.

Now do you remember how you guys first start talking?

I bet there were a lot of awkward silences, small talk and even times where you didn’t talk to each other.

You know the “before time”

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“The Before Time”

Think of this as the before time.

Before you were dating. Take yourself out of the mindset of a partner. The less expectations you have the easier this process is. No, I’m not saying be negative and think this won’t work and give up.

Rather, I want you to understand that your partner doesn’t owe you anything anymore.

They don’t have to text or call you anymore and they don’t have to answer. When you can accept that the anxiety of this phase disappears. It even helps if you say “wow they are responsive. That has to mean something”.

Now you’re just looking at this person as a regular guy or girl you are interested in.

The only difference between your ex and a crush is your history. But really, the history you two have is your advantage.

You know things about him now which makes it easier to engage unlike any other crush. But it’s also harder than any other crush because of your history. Getting an ex to chase you requires rapport building. One of the common ways to build rapport is through texting.

Now to build rapport you have to have something to talk about. You can’t send a whole lot of texts and have nothing to say.

Do your research and start building an arsenal of subjects to talk about.

I suggest thinking about your ex’s interests. Start making a list of things they liked and disliked. This will get the creative juices flowing.

I recommend to not text unless you have something to say because then you don’t control the conversation. If the conversation doesn’t have any direction, then it can go bad real fast. Your ex might start bringing up bad memories or maybe you will.

Maybe you’ll slip up and get emotional.

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The point is we need to put on a face and prove ourselves to be the Ungettable Girls we know we are.

Now, this begs an interesting question.

How do you control where the conversation goes?

Simple! It’s your first text!

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Go Fishing, Have A Good Hook And Bait

When you’re in the texting phase you will find yourself wondering,

“What am I going to text my ex that will draw him into a conversation?”.

The truth is that you already know the answer to that. The one advantage you have by being the ex is knowledge. You know what your ex likes and doesn’t like and that will help you get your ex talking.

Now when texting your ex think of it as a game or fishing.

Now, even a city dweller like me understands the concepts of fishing.

You throw your hook and bait into the water and wait patiently for a bite. Of course we don’t know when the fish will bite but that’s why patience is the most important thing.

Now, think of your topic as the bait that will lure the fish in. You want a topic that your ex will be interested in chatting about.

Think of something your ex likes or even something your ex hates.

I know what you’re thinking “Why should I text my ex about something he hates?”

Hear me out. Think of a time you ran into a friend and you happened to mention a place you went to and your friend says they were there once and hated it.

Remember how much detail they went over? They went on and on about how bad it was?

Now because your friend keeps going on and on about their dreadful experience you’re scanning the room for an escape.

At this point you’ve said bye to them like 4 times and there’s no sign of them giving up.

You’ve given up on life and you accepted your fate and now you will never get out of the freezer section!

Oh sorry I had a flashback and went on without realizing it!

See what I did there?

The same theory applies to your ex!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Of course I would recommend building some rapport with more positive texts first.

Now that we covered the bait let’s talk about the hook. Having good bait can only take you so far. The fish might bite but if the hook isn’t sharp enough it won’t catch the fish. So, how do you have a good hook?

Simple! It’s all about your format!

Think of it like comedy. Any comedian will tell you the whole joke is about to build up. That build up to the punchline is very important. The same thing goes with texting. You want to build up to the point of your text and you want him at the edge of his seat the entire time.

Of course when you get the punchline then you have to worry about while what’s next.

Have a Plan A, B and C

When I am in the texting phase I generally have a rule to have several texts drafted before I send anything out.

All the drafts will be similar in format with a good hook and something that will engage him. I also try to make some of them about the same topic and some about something entirely different.

Too often I would come across an instance where I ran things to say to somebody or I noticed that they are falling off the conversation. So what do you do? Bring up another topic! And I know what you’re thinking “How do I do that?” well this goes back to the original principles of the texting phase.

Do you remember the Zeigarnik effect?

You don’t!?

Well I will do you a favor and help break it down for you really quickly.

The Zeigarnik effect is when a person experiences a pattern interrupt. Basically it states that human beings remember uncompleted tasks better than completed ones.

Think of Sheldon from Big Bang theory!

When he hears a song and someone just stops singing in the middle of a verse people he takes it upon himself to finish the song.

This is why ending the conversation first is so important.

If you’re having a good exchange with your ex you will eventually want to stop in the middle of that exchange.

This makes your ex want to finish that conversation.

Now let’s play this out. You send your first text and you hooked him in. The two of you go back and forth for a little bit.

However, you notice after you delivered the point of your conversation now he is not as responsive.

Now is the time to strike!

Don’t text back. In fact, you don’t text back for a few hours. Maybe even fall off the conversation before you get to that point. This will have a greater effect of your ex because it will drive them crazy you didn’t finish your story!

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Now if you’re like me you probably use Technology to your advantage.

If you feel like you won’t be able to hold yourself back from texting immediately I propose scheduling a text. Android phones these days have the ability to schedule a message to the time and date you want be sent out. iPhone’s have third-party apps that can do the same thing.

To reduce a lot of anxiety you can schedule your message to be sent out so you don’t have to think or worry about it.

I find myself scheduling messages days early and then I totally forget about them. I’ve unconsciously discovered a system that allows me to relax and not panic when I reach out to someone.

Let’s say you stop texting back and now have decided “I’m going to go with my Plan B in a couple of hours”.

Schedule that message with a good hook that’ll lure him back into the conversation.

The more time you get your ex to commit to you in a single day will make a world the difference when you moving further into the texting and rapport building.

You’ll be more likely to continue conversations because you gotten your ex comfortable with the idea of talking to you for longer and you also have become more interesting to your ex because now you have more things to say.

Be The Dolores Umbridge of Texting

To put it simply nothing ever goes quite the way we want to.

I have noticed a lot of people expect to get to an everyday basis of texting their ex in the texting phase within a certain timeframe.

What if I told you that there is no timeframe?

Every situation is different and there is no one text or one way to go about it. To put it simply we can only provide guidelines to help you but the only thing that’s going to really work is your knowledge of your ex.

Maybe he’s not into texting, maybe he’s very busy can only text at certain times of the day, maybe they will only text during the week or only on weekends. Truth be told this process requires a lot of patience and the texting phase is by far the hardest phase you have to go through because this is what will lead into the other phases.

There is only one rule to this phase and that is to be as positive as you can be.

You are going to have to be the Dolores Umbridge of texting.

Remember her?

She’s the evil pink lady from Harry Potter for those of you who do not know.

Go ahead look her up, you will hate her more than any other character ever.

(Except maybe Joffery from Game of Thrones)

Do you want to know why she stands out as an evil villain?

She’s not with you expect. Most villains are dark and dreary and wear I constant on in their face. However, she is smiling and wearing pink!


And here’s the part that really gets me.

When she’s mad she’s wearing a smile.

There is murder in her eyes and yet she is smiling.

For that reason, she was so hard to convict of being evil. She hides behind this fake and perfect personality and no one can convict her of being evil until she’s caught in for her actions.

What’s my point?

Wear a smile!

Never show how much the situations really bothers you! Your ex wants you to be dark and dreary. They want you to act out when they put into a negative situation. Don’t let them make you upset and don’t show it if they do.

When you’re questioning why your ex is telling you something that will obviously make you upset it’s because they’re trying to make you upset.

They’re testing to see how emotional you are. Do not fall for that trap. Never send an emotional, angry and clingy texts. They are your enemy and they will only hurt you.

This is one of the reasons why no contact is so important. During no contact you should work on yourself and regain confidence in yourself. A confident person wouldn’t text somebody in anger or sadness. They will simply say well this is not worth my time and move on.

So when you get the negative text…don’t answer. Wait a few of days and pick up as if nothing happened. In the meantime, post on social media and fake it till you make it. Go out and show that you’re having fun because I guarantee that it will drive your ex crazy.

Eventually you won’t be faking it. Eventually you will be smiling and be happy again. And when you are genuinely happy you will see a change and everyone around you.

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39 thoughts on “The Most Effective Text Messages To Send To Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Miss Mia

    November 7, 2019 at 5:18 am

    My ex and I have been broken up for about a year… we have a son together. He does have a new gf but tells her I can come over when I want and chat with him to catch up at his apartment. When I’m there he gives me all the attention, but has not made any attempt to get back with me.. until yesterday… well kinda. My ex called me told his gf had finally left due to them fighting so much and that she probably knew that Me and Him ( my ex) would probably end up back together anywayz… he had assured me he didn’t want her back but sure enough today he tells me he took her back..
    Just fyi, we have known each other since we were kids… over 20 years.. we are extremely good friends.. tell each other we love each other all the time.
    What you think about all this? I have been trying to better myself, he’s always encouraging me to do so.
    I do want him back but want HIM to come after ME, I want him to chase. I just need to know he would be motivated and serious about me.
    Can you PLEASE give me some advice here?
    And some plans of action for me??
    Thank you in advance..

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 8, 2019 at 10:25 pm

      Hey Miss Mia, so in a way you are doing the being there method, but not fully so you need to do some reading about what that is on this website so you can see what you are lacking, (in short) you need to flirt more with your ex to test the waters to see if he is interested. If he flirts back great, you need to build it up gradually. But you do have to be mindful of how you do this so that you don’t appear that you are “throwing yourself” at him. It needs to be gradual and slow. You do not sleep with him until you are back together. So my tip for you is to read and read and read about the being there method

  2. Brooke Sanders

    July 1, 2019 at 11:18 pm

    Hi! I have a weird situation with an ex. We broke up about 6 weeks ago and we talked a little after the breakup before I realized I should implement no contact. We haven’t spoken in 3 weeks. But there’s a concert coming up in a couple of weeks that we were supposed to go to together. We even talked about it after the breakup and decided we’d still go together. How should I reach out to him about the concert? And how do I act at the concert to make him regret losing me? Thanks!

  3. Cassandra Slaughter

    February 1, 2019 at 6:42 am

    After 3 weeks of NC I texted with my ex regarding my sister dropping off his things and the interaction was very positive lasting a few messages. 4 days later I sent him a message of interest about an article I thought he would be interested in with no response. 4 days after the no response I employed one of the recommended hooks and he responded, but without enthusiasm and then actually asked me “why are you texting me this?” when I told him about the topic of interest (sci fi novel) The conversation was short like intended and he said thanks for the recommendation, but I don’t know how to, or if I should, proceed now that he seems to have such little interest.

  4. Erin P.

    January 23, 2018 at 3:19 pm

    I don’t know if my comment is waiting for approval or didn’t post?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 5:09 am

      Hi Erin,
      It’s still here, I just haven’t reached it. The more you do nc the less it can help you.. Check this one:
      How To Get An On Again/Off Again Boyfriend Back

  5. Erin P.

    January 23, 2018 at 12:23 am

    Hi Amor,

    I have been on again/off again with my first bf for a little over a year, and we were out of contact for long periods of time in the last 6 months.

    He’s told me almost straight out that it’s really over. (He ghosted me during a break to focus on his cpa exams, I broke up with him 3 weeks later, and I sent him a brief, angry text in late late December, he responded with “happy new year .”)

    I don’t think it will ever work out long term, but he’s sent heartfelt apologies to my complaints, and I want to explore our connection semi-casually. Maybe I’m crazy.

    He’s been very responsive to my texts, creating surprisingly happy conversations with me. It comes off as intentionally platonic. It’s like he’s making more of an effort to be kind and really talk to me, which I admittedly enjoy.

    Tax season is coming up at the end of the month, and he’s getting very busy. His responses are still enthusiastic but much shorter. He’s not ignoring me, but, understandably, we can’t keep up a conversation anymore.

    How should I handle this upcoming rough patch? (I can predict it by now.)

    Should I do nc, reduce contact once weekly (instead of 3X), or keep doing what I’m doing? Don’t want to overdo it. 🙂

    Thank you, Amor!

  6. Jenny

    January 12, 2018 at 6:43 am

    I have, but because we’re far apart I’m more concerned with how to gauge if there’s any chance of us getting back together. If I wanted to, all I would have to do is say hello and he’d jump at the chance to be friends, but that’s not what I want.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 14, 2018 at 9:13 pm

      Hi Jenny,

      it’s ok to start as friends again, you just have build attraction slowly over time.

  7. mariah

    January 11, 2018 at 7:48 pm

    My boyfriend and I dated 2 years, he said he was happy the night before and we said I love you and goodnight just like always, he then texted me the next day while I was at work that he no longer wanted to be with me and that was that. It has been two weeks since, he kept texting me about his successes and I was being very positive, no we have stopped talking. I bought him everything, paid on dates, I cared for him when he was sick, and took notice to all the little things about him. Do you think he will try to come back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 14, 2018 at 8:11 pm

      Hi Mariah,

      did you mean now you stopped talking? Why did he break up with you? If you’re in the no contact rule, be active in improving yourself and in posting.

  8. Jenny

    January 11, 2018 at 5:41 am

    Hi Amor,

    Haven’t been super active on social media but I rarely am. I’ve put up a few pictures of me looking happy and healthy, but as I’m an athlete I always take good care of myself. He also sent me messages on Christmas and New Years. How can I start conversations again and gauge if there’s anything there?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 11, 2018 at 7:30 pm

      Hi Jenny,

      have you tried the advice on this one?
      How To Properly Start A Conversation With Your Ex After No Contact

  9. Sabby

    December 30, 2017 at 8:28 pm

    I’ve been going through an on again off again relationship for 2 years. We ended two weeks ago and I have made no contact since. We didn’t message each other on Christmas day. Today he messaged me out of the blue. He said he was hoping he wasn’t bothering me, hoped I was having a good time at home for the holidays and that I got the kitchen dish I had asked for. I haven’t replied. My male friend said I shouldn’t, my female friend said I should.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 10:46 pm

      If you’re in nc, you shouldn’t.

  10. Brittney

    December 29, 2017 at 1:59 am

    I sent out my first contact message today after successfully completing nc. I got a very positive response and kept the conversation short. What are your thoughts on my next text being a “happy new years” text on Monday?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2017 at 8:32 pm

      Hi Brittney,

      check this one:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  11. Jenny

    December 26, 2017 at 10:32 pm

    My ex dumped me over text 3 months ago. We were doing long distance while I was away on an extended visit. He was always really vague on the reasons, but was adamant that we still be friends. I initiated no contact for 90 days, which he broke on my birthday several days ago by texting me happy birthday. All I did was respond ‘thanks’ and he immediately texted back a happy face. Clearly he’s open to talking with me, but how do I get his attention without being friendzoned?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 28, 2017 at 1:16 pm

      Hi Jenny,

      How much did you improve yourself and how active are you in doing social media posts that doesn’t disappear after 24 hours?

  12. rose

    November 24, 2017 at 11:23 am

    hey !!
    once the no contact rule is implemented and when i text him what if he does not reply?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2017 at 3:03 pm

  13. rose

    November 24, 2017 at 11:19 am

    once the no contact rule is implemented then we move to the texting phase! now my worry is if my Ex boyfriend does not reply?

    then what? please reply

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2017 at 3:03 pm

  14. Jazzy

    September 10, 2017 at 11:38 pm

    Hey.. I am from India.. I just implemented a 39 days of no contact with my ex.. gathering all my guts I texted him with a suprise text, he did answer but with single word reply.. is that a good sign?? Also I wanted to know how do I text him further.. please help me because I am madly in love with him and I dun see light at the end of this tunnel but m just relying on your website to get him back…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 14, 2017 at 12:19 pm

      Hi Jazzy,

      Check this one:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

  15. Karen

    July 26, 2017 at 10:54 pm

    Amor, I made him a complimment and he just “ignore” it, he kept texting but just didn’t respond to it… 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 28, 2017 at 5:54 pm

      What was the compliment? Maybe because it was tyoo early for you to say that kind of compliment

  16. Laura

    July 26, 2017 at 12:55 am

    Maybe, could you give me an example to know if it’s available in here?
    I also think that Western union wouldn’t be a bad idea.
    You know? I don’t know yet if my ex will come back, but I like this page so much because it’s so complete and specific, in spanish I didn’t find any page like these, I found maybe 2-3 books, and some youtubers (usually I found people that was all about no contact or about getting him back in a week-yeah, really-) Nowadays many people talk english, but I think It wouldn’t be a bad idea to maybe have a translated version of your page, I know It would require so much work, but what you find in this page is something that you can’t find anywhere, and tbh when your heart is broken the first thing you think aint looking for advices in english (I know it because I did it so late and that made me have some mistakes on the no contact and that). It’s just and idea haha 🙂

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 28, 2017 at 5:52 pm

      Right now, what’s more probably is the paypal option but thank you for the idea.. I’ll let Chris know

  17. Single Mom Again

    July 22, 2017 at 7:48 pm

    I did limited contact ( we have a baby) for 30 days and did one of the first contact messages from the book. No response. So I decided to do no contact again for 15 days. Well, he just emailed me and said his phone is completely dead and he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to get a new one so he’ll be checking his email once a day. When the 15 days are up what should I do? Email? Or talk in person when he sees our baby?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 4:50 pm

      first, how much did you improve in your nc and are you still improving now? If you did limited contact, how did you contact him during nc if he lost his phone?

  18. Laura

    July 14, 2017 at 3:39 am

    Amor, is there any way to join the facebook group withouth having a credit car? (in south america)

    1. Laura

      July 25, 2017 at 6:01 pm

      Paypal in my country (Colombia) also asks for having a credit card 🙁 Thank you anyways

    2. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 6:02 pm

      what about cards that are prepaid that are only for online transaction?

    3. Laura

      July 25, 2017 at 1:59 am

      Amor?? Did chris say no? I really wanted to join the group 🙁

    4. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 5:39 pm

      sorry for the late reply Laura! Right now, the only option is through credit card but Chris is working on making the paypal option available soon too.

    5. Sara

      July 18, 2017 at 9:06 pm

      Maybe by western union? Idk

    6. Laura

      July 15, 2017 at 12:57 am

      Ok 🙂 I’ll wait then

    7. EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 14, 2017 at 6:59 pm

      Hi Laura, I’ll check with Chris and then I’ll comment back here if it’s possible.