EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message

Will Text Messages Be THE THING That Gets Your Ex Back?

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What is a “first contact” text message?

Great question!

First Contact Text Message: The first text message that you send to your ex boyfriend after you have successfully completed the no contact rule.

And it just so happens that the first contact text message is the subject of today’s podcast episode.

Check it out,

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Video Of Episode 53 (The Perfect First Contact Text Message)

What are your thoughts on the fact that we are now filming these podcast episodes?

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If you would be so kind to leave us some feedback in the comments section of the show notes that would be absolutely incredible!

Sarah’s Situation

Sarah’s situation is very interesting. Unlike many of the people asking questions she has almost completed the no contact rule and is starting to shift her focus towards texting her ex.

Which is exactly what we recommend.

Of course, she has a few questions about the texting phase,

  • She is on Day 25 of the no contact rule and is shifting her focus towards texting
  • Her ex started his first “real job” (whatever that means)
  • She wonders if she can break the no contact rule early
  • She wants to let him know that she’s thinking about him and praying for him

You can tell that Sarah is an extremely kindhearted human being but that doesn’t always play well in the world of “getting an ex back.”

We discuss that and much more in this episode,

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • The zeigarnik effect
  • Open loops
  • The anatomy of a perfect first contact text message
  • The importance of knowledge about an ex
  • The importance of storytelling
  • Specific action phrases to use
  • And much more…

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Transcript Of This Episode

Download The Transcript For This Episode Here

(BONUS) The Anatomy Of A Perfect First Contact Text Message

I promised during the episode that in the show notes I would have a graphic depicting everything I was talking about.

Well, you can find that here.

Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 5.25.30 PM

So, what the heck does this “graphic” even mean?

Well, allow me to deconstruct it for you,

Knowledge- This refers to the fact that you need to use the knowledge of what you already know to be true about your ex. What are his likes? What are the topics that you know for a fact that he will respond to if you were to text him about it.

Stories- Specifically interesting ones. Create a story that can not only serve as an interesting hook but also that can allow you to work in the other aspects that we are going to talk about.

Action Phrase- You want your text to start out with an action phrase. Something that’s sure to grab his attention. “Oh my god…”, “You won’t believe what I just saw” are great examples

The Tie In- End the text by saying something like “It was the first time you popped into my head in a while.”

Pretty epic graphic, huh?

February 1, 2017

Will Text Messages Be THE THING That Gets Your Ex Back?

In so many of the success stories I’ve heard over the years, the primary way that the couple communicated was texting. Texts are short, simple and can lead to HUGE results if you can send the right text message, in the right situation. But it all depends on the inner-dynamics of your relationship.

We’ve put together a quiz, so you can find out if text messages will work for your individual situation. It’s a total of 19 questions, and only takes about 5 minutes to answer. Are you ready to know ?

Take 5 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Now!

What Do You Think? (117)

  1. Rachael - 0

    Rachael

    Hey so I too am on day 25 of no contact, and am also trying to construct the perfect first text, I was hoping for an opinion?
    I have three, and am hoping to get feedback to potentially improve the text / decide which is best- if any at all. A little bit of back story- he LOVES watching tv, like the past couple months of our relationship all he did was work and watch tv, also the water in stratford was where we went on our first date… anyway here are the texts:

    1.
    [action phrase- text 1] Hey! You will never guess what I just did!
    [story- text 2] I was searching kodi to try to find a new show to start watching
    and as I scrolled past Doctor Who I had an overwhelming urge to
    start watching it, and I totally see why you enjoyed that show
    so much!
    [end – text 3]
    ————————————————————————————————————
    2.
    [action phrase- text 1] So i have a vital question to ask you
    [story- text 2] I recently finished a tv series and was looking to start watching
    another one, so naturally I though who better to ask than the tv
    expert himself. Should I start Doctor Who or continue watching
    Supernatural?
    [end- text 3]
    ——————————————————————————————–
    3.
    [story- text 1] Hey, I was driving through Stratford and passed the water where
    we went on that walk and it made me think of you 🙂 how are you?
    [end- text 2]

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rachael,

      I like number 2 as it is because you can expound that topic…later on you can ask more of about that in the next conversations..

  2. Lily - 0

    Lily

    Hi,

    As one starts to build rapport, how does one avoid being friend-zoned and is instead building attraction but without seeming too aggressive / conspicuous? I feel this is a fine line to walk, especially if he said he wanted to be friends after breaking up with me. Do you have any advice on this?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      dont stop being the ungettable girl, go out with others either with friends or a date, dont be too available, always be the one to end the conversation at high note

  3. Lisa - 0

    Lisa

    Hi Chris and Amor,
    So I have a week left of no contact. I already have my text planned out but I kind of have a feeling that he may respond with “who is this”? 1. He either really deleted my number or 2. He is trying to sound cool . If I run into this situation , how should i handle it while still sounding in control ? I am planning to follow the guidelines that PRO gives us regarding how many texts to send per day . So how will that affect my text count ? Thank you so much !!!

    Reply
  4. KB - 0

    KB

    I’m at the end of my 30 day no contact, and I’m getting ready to send my first text message. I’ve got something good and I’m sure I’ll get a response. However, what the heck do I say on Day 2 if he responds today? Do I just send another random message? What are some good Day 2 examples? I feel like if he responds just neutral to Day 1 text, then it will be weird to text again Day 2??

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kb,

      day 1 and 2 are ok with first contact type of messages. You can continue the topics you used in the next days or use a different one that he loves talking about

  5. Kristin - 0

    Kristin

    I’m on Day 26 of the 30 day no contact, and ran into my ex while I was pumping gas! We were friends for 2 months before we started dating, and we only dated for 4 months. We were very close during that time, and saw each other about 5 times a week. He was always the one to initiate texts, phone calls, and dates with me. We both have kids and our kids were involved in our relationship as well. The night our relationship ended was very odd. He was pretty drunk, and met up with a friend and I at a bar. He randomly got up and left, so I text him the next day to check on him and ask him what happen. He responds that he doesn’t want to have to ‘talk” and he doesn’t want drama. We never argued and there was no drama so I’m not sure what he was referring to. I’ll be honest that I begged him to talk to me and he kept saying “nah.” A week later, I asked if he wanted to talk and again he said “nah.” That last text was on Dec 4th, and then I decided to start NC. He has not reached out to me during the NC period. This morning, I was pumping gas and heard someone yell my name. Needless to say it was him! He asked how I was doing and I said “I’m great, but running late for work so I’ve gotta go.” He then proceeded to park his truck, and come stand with me at the gas pump while I finished up. We had small talk just about work and the kids until I was done and told him I really had to go. Then, he said it was really good seeing you. I was very short but nice with my responses to his questions, but it bothered me that he acted like nothing was wrong. Does running into him ruin my 30 day NC? How do I proceed? Do you think I still have a chance?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Kristin,

      nope it didnt..but dont stop improving yourself during and after nc.. Be active in posting in social media..I think you do..but for now focus in healing and improving

  6. Clare - 0

    Clare

    What if he doesn’t respond to the first contact text? How long should I wait before I send another one? Should I send another one?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Clare,
      wait a week

    • Clare - 0

      Clare

      And what if he doesn’t respond back to that one either?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if he doesn’t respond, wait two weeks but that would be the last.. if he still doesn’t respond that means you have to move on..

  7. Laura - 0

    Laura

    So I have been in no contact for about a month and a half (I added the half because I just got back from a trip to India and Sri Lanka where there is a twelve hour time difference and I didn’t want to be distracted from an amazing trip with texting my ex). Right before I left, I had dinner with one of our close mutual friends who actually helped us get together in the first place. I was really bubbly, talking about all of the things I had been up to since the breakup (exercising, eating right, seeing a counselor, I’ve taken the self-improvement part very seriously), and didn’t even really mention the breakup at all. After that dinner, he started looking at my Snapchat stories again and has been watching pretty much all of them from the trip. The last time we talked, I called him from a blocked number two weeks after the breakup (hadn’t read about NC rule yet and my mom highly encouraged it) and it went really badly, he told me he didn’t miss me in the way I hoped he did. It’s been about six weeks since then, and I’ve been drafting texts in my head and in Notes on my phone, but I just need some words of encouragement because I’m really nervous and scared and I don’t want to lose all the progress I’ve made on myself.

    Reply
    • Laura - 0

      Laura

      I posted on the blindside breakup article, but I just wanted to give some background in case it didn’t seem familiar. Thank you, Amor!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Laura,

      Thanks! Well, even if it doesn’t work out with him, you wont lose your progress because that’s for yourself.. but it’s a good sign that he watches your stories.. it may make him think you’re moving on and then let him be more open to being friends again

  8. Kikka - 0

    Kikka

    Hi,
    I’m still in the mid of no contact, but I was trying to think of my text at the end of the 30 days…
    One thing that came to my mind is starting with “Guess what happened while I was on vacation!” followed by a pic of me on a bicycle (it is related to something funny that happened when we started dating) and a brief funny story about it and the high note…
    Do you think it can work?
    Also, do I have to wait for him to reply after my “Guess what happened!” or can I just immediately send the pic and the message? What if he does not reply to the first sentence… the conversation would be broken at that point….
    I’m confused…

    Reply
  9. Zoey - 0

    Zoey

    Hi Amor,

    I have done my 30days NC;jus ended yesterday. while in the next three days it gonna be his bday. Do u think when the best time to reach out to him ? as I gonna start texting him with my first message, On his bday? But I don feel like letting him know that I’m always here for his bday. Cos he know that I’m very concern on celebrating each occasion. Is it fine if I sent him the first text after two/three days after his bday?

    Zoey

    Reply
  10. Someone - 0

    Someone

    Sorry to comment again. One thing I have noticed with the texts he sent today is he’s put things like “tho” instead of “though” a couple of times which he never used to do. Does that mean I might get friend zoned if I’m not careful (as he’s putting less effort into grammar) or is he trying to act more casual than he is?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi someone,
      dont read too much into it..Maybe he just wanted to text shorter.. What’s more important is the how positive your conversation is.. If you don’t want to go out yet, then just schedule the movie at a later date..

  11. Someone - 0

    Someone

    So I did 30 days no contact and did a really good first contact text yesterday. I ended the conversation quickly and was going to contact him tomorrow. But he texted me whilst I was at yoga. And let me tell you, texting after the first contact was hard! I sent him about 10 texts in total but… he sent me 21! I think he was angling to see the new Harry Potter movie with me but I didn’t suggest it(like I think he wanted me to). I think it’s too soon to meet up for something like that. Do you agree? We haven’t really had the chance to build rapport yet. Him texting me first took me completely by surprise though! Hoping it’s a good sign.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi someone,
      dont read too much into it..Maybe he just wanted to text shorter.. What’s more important is the how positive your conversation is.. If you don’t want to go out yet, then just schedule the movie at a later date..

  12. Sally - 0

    Sally

    So, I sent first message yesterday, he responded me after serval hours. My messages was that I found his favorite cookies, that’s actually hard to find , he responded me “thank you !(With a smile face)
    Then., he sent to me many pictures and small video( water falling) he just took yesterday ( his hobby is photography), I sent “thank you for sharing beautiful pictures ,I’m outside, not good internet though
    Then., he said ” keep warm, it’s snowing here” ,,,,,,
    I wanted ask where, but I thought maybe too many messages for the first day, so I stopped until this morning, I sent to him ” thank you! Looks like you’re at cold place ,keep warm and don’t get sick!. (I’m waiting for his message today….)

    I’m not sure if I sent too many messages yesterday or not? Did I make something wrong? What should I do next?

    Also,,,, He unblocked me right way after first message.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sally,

      that’s good that he unblocked you..did he reply to your last message?

  13. T. J. - 0

    T. J.

    Hi! I’m on day 27 of NC (my goal is 30 days) and I’m thinking about what to write in my first text to my ex. I’m not sure how to end the text. In the podcast 53 it’s recommended to end the text with something like “It was the first time I thought of you in a while.” Should I write that even though the truth is I think about him every day?
    I’m considering maybe ending with “I think about moments like this sometimes.” – Do you think that would work in catching his attention?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi TJ,

      Yeah, even though it’s a lie, it’s safer because it sounds like you’re not obsessing about him ad that you actually started to move on.

  14. Ace - 0

    Ace

    So I texted him the next day and he still didn’t reply. So I knw he is definitely ignoring me now and its just rough like what happened we were doing so good maybe he felt like u was playing him Idk.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ok, he said he loved you, but he didn’t ask for you back? So, did he friendzoned you and then you tried to reverse friendzoned him by asking to be friends? Did he reply to you now?

    • Acw - 0

      Acw

      He actually did say he wanted to be in a relationship, but I just “lol”because I didn’t belive him that’s when he went on to tell me how much he loved me and that he never had the bond he had with me with anyone else. A couple days after this I asked him if we could be friends he said ok. He texted me the next day we talked for a little then he stopped replying to me suddenly. I texted him the next day and he still didn’t reply it’s the second day now since and still nothing from him.
      Before I did no contact he always said he wanted us to be friends so I don’t know what the problem is now. And its not like i have been too available to him I texted him sparsely using tide theory and wait an hour or two to reply to him. Should I wait maybe two weeks to text him back or see if he will text me?

    • Ace - 0

      Ace

      And based on how he was talking I knew he wanted me back I just didn’t want to run back to him so I played like I wanted to be friends. I just want him to contact me so ah boi.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      if you didnt tell him the reason why you dont want to get back together yet, then he may have felt you still need time on your own to decide or you just cant say directly to him that you dont want to get back together. so,.now he just stopped talking to you..

  15. famiron - 0

    famiron

    Hi i text my ex after NC and he respond “who are you?” so i cant tell the story now what can i do?

    Reply
    • famrion - 0

      famrion

      and we have been together 3 month we had little break up but soon he missed me and come back but in second one we fought badly and he said goodbye forever and i realize that he want to break up to protect himself now he replies me two time who r you? what should i do now?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Famrion,

      how long did you do nc amd nd did you improve yourself? What do you think about the advice in the last podcast you commented?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Famrion,

      how long did you do nc amd nd did you improve yourself? What do you think about the advice in the last podcast you commented?

  16. Ace - 0

    Ace

    I don’t see my comment

    Reply
  17. Ace - 0

    Ace

    I had commented before but I don’t knw what happened I don’t see it. So a quick run down…I initiated contact with my ex and got a good response in that occasion I ended on high. Was hoping he would initiate the next time but he didn’t but he didn’t so I texted him again after 4 days this time we talked for the whole day ( I don’t knw what I was thinking) we stopped talking in the night where he just didn’t reply to my last text. This was surprising since he told me this same day that he loved me and wanted us to be together again (maybe I should have ended the convo there) but he asked me if I loved him and I said yes always. And we kept talking he told me he formed a bond with me that he never did with anybody else. So after all of that I said ok maybe he fell asleep and would have texted me the next day, he didn’t. I initiated again three days after and we had a good talk I ended on high. We talked after this for about 3 days straight mainly because when he asked a question in the night I answered the next day. The last time we spoke I asked him if we could be friends (kind of reverse phsycology) to get him to initiate if he thinks we’re on a friendly basis and also because I kind of want him to get a sense that I move on. I guess it worked because as I’m writing this he initiated for the first time asking if I was at home, I’m going to take some time to reply then tell him I’m out. I’m really happy to see he initiated for the first time . Any suggestions on how to move forward from here?

    Reply
    • Ace - 0

      Ace

      He told me he was really sick but I knw he was exaggerating because that’s how he is so I took like 2 hrs to reply and he hasn’t replied since then and its the next day. What do i do? I feel like I kinda took too long to reply. Do I text him back or just wait it out?

  18. Cyrus Swart - 0

    Cyrus Swart

    Hi again,
    So I recently came out of no contact and initiated first contact, which went decent from how I saw it.
    Only problem is that while he does respond to my first text with a decent chunk and in a very positive response, this time my second text he doesn’t respond to at all (And it had nothing to do with our old relationship).
    So I don’t know if I need to go back into no contact, or need to change my texting strategies (Which I’ve read from the Texting Bible)

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Try again after 3 or 5 days if he still doesn’t respond, rest for a week before trying again..

  19. Pinaymix1971 - 0

    Pinaymix1971

    I was reading your topics on what goes on in the Ex’s mind during NC, how to reply when he greets you on special occasions, why does he still contact you after breaking up, how to manage closure, etc. Your articles are really good because it shows the typical perspective of a white guy’s mind. Long story short : I met a married man online. I’ve always tried to avoid complications in my life and I’ve always put boundaries between me and a man who is committed in any way. Unfortunately, I had thought since it’s just online, I was safe. I felt sorry for him. He has two teenage kids and he told me his marriage was only on paper. They stopped having sex for many years. She sleeps in a different bedroom. In short, he told me if he had financial resources, he’d be divorced by the time I met him. Which was 16 months ago. God knows I tried to help him get his marriage back on track. Offered insights into a woman’s mind, gave him suggestions how to win her affections back. Their issues aren’t high conflict for me and I wish they’d get back together and not head for a divorce. Bec I said long story I’ll make short, needless to say, I fell in love with him in the process. My mind tells me I shouldn’t get involved but o had thought he and I are so compatible, down to our sense of corny humor. But since he doesn’t do anything about his situation, and I don’t really wanna get involved in any complications, I finally managed to make him stop contacting me almost 4 weeks ago. We’re both in our mid 40s, you see. his wife is early 50s. Day 5 of NC, I didn’t reply to his brief email. He asked me to write him back but i didn’t. His letter said he’s okay but just worried about money. Since his letter ( unlike in our past breakups ) didn’t include pleads (his past letters ). I’ve planned to forget and move on but last night, at midnight, he sent me email and PMed me to greet me happy birthday. Plus his version of a HBD song. I already mentioned his sense of humor and mine are the same. I laughed at his singing and I replied politely, saying the song did make me laugh. He replied he’s been anticipating my birthday the entire week bec he’s gonna smile knowing I laughed at his message. I didn’t reply anymore and he hasn’t sent any other message. My question is: he knows it’s my character I never initiate contact with my exes but I reply politely when they did, though I never have intentions of getting back together (I believe that if it doesn’t work out once, it will never work out ); should I tell him directly to stop communicating with me the next official holiday comes and I’m pretty sure he’s going to greet me again? Christmas is only 7 weeks away. I’m very very sure he’ll send me another greeting. Even if his birthday email didn’t include any other topic or question, I just want to sever the ties with him. I wish I could have him all to myself, but he didn’t give me a timeline regarding divorce, he and I haven’t met in real life yet (I’m from Asia;he’s from North America. Somehow, our scheds weren’t matched so the meetings got put off several times until I lost interest. TBH, I’m not keen meeting up any man who’s still legally married, regardless if they’ve sleep on separate beds or not ). I’m not desperate. I’m not unattractive in my age bracket; It’s just that I don’t wanna settle for someone less than I really like and I made the dumb mistake of falling for someone like him. I’m trying to forget him now but I wish he’d stop messing up with my mind. I don’t wanna give in to the temptation of contacting him. I wanna do the right thing even if it’s killing me.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Pinaymix1971,

      You don’t have to tell him to stop.. just stop responding.. he’ll get that.

  20. Defiant - 0

    Defiant

    Hello,
    oh boy, this will be a long message, because my story is quite complicated……
    my long-distance (ex-)boyfriend of 1,5 years and I got into a huge spat on July 10th and I unfortunately said a few things I shouldn’t have in my anger (e.g. that I had met some other guy I really like, etc., etc.).
    What I have to mention here is that I played games, i.e. strategized, throughout the entire relationship (cat and mouse game, no contact rule, making him feel insecure/ jealous (on purpose) and never clearly told him how I feel or only in very unclear terms to protect myself from being hurt) and that I obviously pushed it too far/ pokered too high on July 10th…
    I left overseas on vacation with my 2 kids (no, they are not his) and was expecting that he would contact me, but realized 10 days later that probably no ‘normal’ person would contact someone who had just told them that they met someone else they “really like” (I was angry and very hurt and wanted to “pay him back” for making me feel this way), so I sent him an e-mail spilling out my guts. He wrote me back 3-4 days later telling me that I had hurt him tremendously and that he needed time to “settle his thoughts”. I immediately replied (which was very untypical of me up to that point), but he didn’t get back to me.
    I returned home on August 8th from vacation and sent him a text message on the 11th, asking him whether he wanted me to come visit him the upcoming weekend, the following weekend or not at all. He replied but was still angry and asked me why I was suddenly being so impatient when all this time I had always made him wait. He also told me that he had plans that upcoming weekend, so I didn’t have to come. He again told me that he was still questioning his needs and I sent him another “all cards on the table” message (about how I truly feel and that I will not go quietly into the night if there is something left to fight for).
    I didn’t hear back from him, so I sent him another message on August 20th, telling him that I understand that he needs time and space, but that I missed him and needed to know whether he still wanted me to be part of his life or not and basically gave him an ultimatum by when to let me know where I stand. The message got quite long, so I sent him a shorter version (basically with bullet points) and called it “here’s the male version of what I just said”. That REALLY pissed him off (he unfortunately understood it as me saying, ‘since you’re male, i.e. stupid, and English isn’t your native language, here’s the version for idiots’. Yes, I know, I know, mea culpa, of course I regret throwing oil into the fire, but it really was not my intention.
    Well, I guess that seriously set me back and a few days later, I wrote him that I will leave him alone now though it is taking a very heavy toll on me and that if this is meant to be, he will find his way back to me. Up until that point he told me that his feelings for me had changed, but he never explicitly broke up with me. So I held out hope that we could maybe patch things up and I was more than willing to be honest about how I felt for a change and that I would expose myself, even if it meant I would have to swallow my pride/ risk getting hurt.
    Well, 4 weeks passed and he never contacted me…. at this point, I was, of course, desperate… We had had plans to go on vacation together to the beach for a week (early September), which came and went. We also had plans to go to London on September 23rd. He had boughten me the ticket and I saw that he never cancelled it, but since we were not speaking, I did not know whether he actually wanted me to get on that plane (he was flying from another city, so it’s not like I could have just accidentally run into him at the airport…).
    I had sent him a package to his work (after a 4-week period of silence) with things I had gotten him during my family vacation in July (things I had specifically chosen for him and knew he would appreciate) and made a photo book with pictures of our relationship and different comments. It arrived on the Monday before the flight to London (which was scheduled for Friday, but he never sent me a thank you or “got it” note, so I had absolutely NO indication what was going on in his mind. A joint friend had drinks with him on Thursday (i.e. one day before the London flight) and sent me text messages that my ex-boyfriend had told him that we broke up in June (which REALLY made me feel insecure, because it was simply NOT true – that ticket to London was booked on June 15th by HIM, but if that was the version of events he was telling others, it really was a slap in the face) and that he had told me that we were broken up (again, that was absolutely NOT true). The friend also told me that some other female may be involved.
    All this information (and the fact that we had not spoken for 5 weeks and that he didn’t even bother acknowledging that he had received my package) pointed toward NOT getting on that plane to London…. and no one I spoke to would have taken that flight. I did not want to appear “cheap” (flying on a person’s dime who had apparently dumped me 3 months earlier….), nor did I want to go to London just to maybe bump into him there with some other girl….
    So, I did not go. Well, he sent a text message to another joint friend, telling her that I had a ticket to London and didn’t use it and that if I had, we could have maybe found some way to work things out, but now that I wasn’t on that plane, it was over once and for all. Wonderful!! I of course wrote him immediately that there was no place I’d rather be than with him in London and that I would jump onto the next available flight, but he told me that he was already leaving London again and that he had written me an old fashioned letter….
    Obviously, the letter was NOT a marriage proposal…. he wrote about the many times I hurt him and that he would be starting a new chapter in his life. When I got the letter, I instinctively called him (he didn’t pick up, which was no surprise), but he DID call me back late that night (twice) and left a message (I was already sleeping). That was a sign for me that a channel of communication was open (though I am sure he was drunk).
    I decided to surprise visit him in his hometown (a 4-hour drive) (yup, you can’t say I don’t have balls!!), and he agreed to meet me for coffee. We had a decent conversation (he was not as cold as I expected, but he also only took 1,5 hours out of his time to see me), and he explained that he doesn’t believe in second chances, that experience has shown him that it doesn’t work and that yes, he still has some feelings left for me, but that they would never be as strong as they were before (well, sorry, when we first started dating, my feelings for him were ambiguous at best, and look where I am now!!). We didn’t really make any plans to stay in contact or anything else when we said our goodbyes (it was a very quick goodbye, he was suddenly in a rush to leave).
    I have been sitting on the fence about what to do, for whatever reason, I do not have the strength to let this go, but feel that I DO have the strength to fight to get him back. I told him that I want him back when we met (he just said that from experience, second chances don’t work), so he knows where I am coming from (I sent him plenty of texts in the last few weeks telling him how I feel and apologizing, etc., so enough of that….). I visited him on October 2nd and did not contact him until yesterday.
    I purchased the Texting Bible (since we’re in a long-distance relationship….) and him a text message last night (first contact message, a reminder of something we did together in the past and that made me laugh) and he actually replied this morning, saying that yes, that was a nice trip and a wonderful summer.
    So now I don’t know what to do!!!! He is used to me NOT replying, but probably not under these circumstances where for a change I am not in the driver’s seat. He probably expects me to pounce on the opportunity to start a conversation with him. I have loads of self-discipline, so I can go all day without answering him. But is that the best approach (considering I messed up this relationship by letting him wait and wait and by sending him mixed signals…). I am now kind of lost about my next step – according to the Bible, I would send him another nice memory text next?? Can you give me any useful advice?? I really do NOT want to mess this up!!! I am on extremely thin ice and can use ALL the expert advice out there…. I would be ETERNALLY grateful if you could tell me how to proceed from here!! When and what do I text back?? AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Thanks SOOOO much in advance for ANY help!!!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Defiant,

      you became the chaser.. and now you still are.. I think you need to have a clean slate.. maybe use a little reverse psychology.. Tell him, you understand him now, and now, you need to heal and find yourself again because you’ve done things that we’re out of yourself.. so, that someday, you can have clean friendship.. and then no contact again.. do 45 days this time and then take it slow in building rapport with him afterwards.

  21. Herewego - 0

    Herewego

    Hi there! So far the guide and all your help has been amazing! I’m happy to say we reconnected over the weekend and Sunday talked. I laid it out that I’m looking for an exclusive relationship with someone special. After talking he agreed he’d be happy with that not that he knows where his future is taking him. He mentioned bf gf, I said I wasn’t ready for that yet, that I want a relationship in the near future but right now I want to date and gain trust back. Then I made a mistake…. I slept with him. At least I think it was a mistake. The weekend was amazing, say each other everyday, he would text me first always and want to spend time with me. Then comes the week…. he seems distant, didn’t always text first. He used to always ask when we were meeting up. I had to initiate this time. So I said Thursday or Friday free? He said no, he wasn’t. No reason tho. I do know he has a friend coming from out of town tho this weekend. When I mentioned wed, he said maybe depending on his schedule. Very unlike him. The old him would have said I’ll be home later but sleep over cause I want to see you. We’ve talked everyday but his texts are short, not very life like and he’s not the guy I used to remember dating. He hasn’t asked when we’re hanging out next. It’s weird. His texting is off, hes distant. He didn’t even want to become fb friends again (I had deleted), said oh now u want to be friends, nahhh you’ll have to work for it. May I remind u he called things off. Sometimes he doesn’t answer all my texts either.
    At this point I’m fed up. I don’t deserve to be treated like this. He 3 word responded to a video I sent this afternoon and we haven’t talked since.
    What do you think is going on in his head, and did I blow it? Most important what the heck should i do? I want him. But only if he treats me well and respects me. This is not what I want. And I don’t know how to act to make us close again, I mean I thought we were in the same page. And if I bring it up, I think he’ll think I’m being emotional and get irritated and push a way more.
    Your advice is always so helpful, please. Any answers you can give to the above are appreciated, thank you 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yes, it was mistake to sleep with him.. because you look like you’re just playing with him because your actions doesn’t add up to what you’re saying.. If you really want him to work for you, that means not sleeping with him, not chasing and just keeping on being great with your own life and yourself..

      I guess, the better step to take now is to lay low

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      Well, after 1 week he got cold feet and said he was unsure again what he wanted. This time, I’m quite mad. For someone to mess with a person’s emotions… it’s not okay. I clearly made a mistake sleeping with this guy, even after we had agreed to exclusively date again, with a relationship in mind in the near future. It was clearly too soon and too quick. And now I have royally screwed everything up. Give it to me. At this point he’s not even wanting to talk, almost like ghosted me. He’d respond with a lol or haha to some things, but that’s it. Then on Sunday I sent a short message stating how I felt, in a calm and cool manner. That I was angry, how he made me feel, and that I just needed to say something. Do I regret saying something, no. But at this point I feel lost. …. Alright… I’m ready for some tough love. In your opinion, did I screw up so bad that it’s time to move on? Let go completely? What are my next steps is what I’m looking for… should I try to reconcile. Ask to meet up, clear the air? I don’t even know if I want him back at this point, especially after how he’s treated me recently. But I feel like there’s unfinished business and I hate ending things on a bad note. What should I do? Again, I’m unsure if I want him back or not. I just don’t know anything. I think tough love is in order… let me have it! haha, I can handle it :). Thanks again for all your help. I’m lost without it!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hahahaha…. well, yes it was mistake when you slept with him… he already got what he wanted, and now he’s taking your granted.. But I don’t understand, how you would clear the air if you’re still angry? You already told him what you felt and if he’s not willing to work it out with you then take a step back again.. Since you’re not sure if you want him back, just stop talking to him for a while until you have a decision.. If you decide to try for one last time, then take it slow, if he’s not responsive, move on.

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      So sorry, haha ill clarify. Yeah, I don’t know, I think it’s more me wanting him to see me happy, confident, and in a place where I’m just done and 100% fine actually with it (whether that’s fully true or not). After my me being angry text, I feel like he thinks I’m broken from him. Far from it. Id like to plant a seed of doubt after a coffee meet up, that maybe he made the wrong choice. My thought was meet for coffee, a quick one. Say I would like you be on good terms and so things aren’t weird if I see him out (we have similar friends). No serious talk, whatsoever, just chatting and being like we would normally be. Fun, care free and relaxed. And yes… if I plant a seed of doubt in his mind about his choice, that wouldn’t be a bad end game result. I’d then plan to go into a no or very limited contsct and get back to focusing on me and what I want.
      Your thoughts on this plan? Or just move to no contact? Thanks again 🙂

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      I should also clarify his big hesitation is that he’s leaving for school and will be gone a lot out of state, starting February. He says he doesnt want to fall for someone before then. He’s had a long distance relationship before, said he ruined her life. He doesn’t want this, it makes him nervous with me. I just don’t know how to let him know that him and his ex are not me and him. We’re different people. This isn’t the same situation. He misses me and cares about me but now there’s this. Wanted to clarify the situation:)

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah.. I think it would be better to just go straight into no contact because talking to him would just sound like you’re trying to convince him.. Your actions will do the talking for you.. and if he sees that you’re being independent, have your own life and just keeps growing, more probably he would think you could handle the distance.

  22. crystal - 0

    crystal

    Sorry I forgot to add another thing.. Like do you think the whole no contact thing applies in my situation anyways? Or do you believe that it can hurt us.. Like almost make him feel like I don’t care about what happened..? It’s only been 6 days but I have still been going to work.. I have been hiking a lot more hanging out with friends.. And he’s been seeing that on snapchat.. Which he’s still friends with me on.. That is the only social media site he has..

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think it can help and don’t just wait. Be active in improving yourself and doing things that make you happy. Use your brother to tell him that you’re not angry. You can just tell him that you have accepted that situation, you’re not angry, you understand and now, you’re going to take your time to move on before speaking to your ex.. I think you should do 30 days.

  23. crystal - 0

    crystal

    Hey Amor,
    I love your website and how it’s been helping me with a game plan. My boyfriend and I broke up on September 19 of this year, which was on our 6 month anniversary. A little background knowledge, my boyfriend is 19 years old, and I am 18. I am his first kiss, hand holds, and first girlfriend etc.. Now that night that we broke up he said it was because he felt as if we have been drifting apart for 3 weeks.. Personally I saw no sign of it.. I think it’s because he’s confused or overwhelmed with college and a job.. We spent everyday texting and going out on dates.. I only felt tension the day before the break up and on that night.. That night we broke up he did it last minute on my porch before he was about to leave.. He wouldn’t even look at me.. Yet told me he still cares and loves me and I can text him if I need a friend. Because he cares. Throughout that night he was trying to comfort me and call me baby and saying I love you etc in person. He eventually said we’ll goodnight Crystal and ran off my front porch into his car.. Since Monday I have gotten no texts or calls. But my step brother works with him and says now all of a sudden my ex is trying to get close with my step brother on Wednesday night when everyone left work, my ex asked my brother how I was doing and my brother said hurting maybe you should call or text her.. My ex said , ” Ya.. Idk.. Started to tear up and say I got to go” and left. Friday night my brother mentioned to him at work ” it’s okay to cry you know it doesn’t make you any less of a man.. And you can text me if you need anything” my ex said back I know.. But I wasn’t raised that way it’s hard for me to understand that.. And said thank you, you can contact me too if you need anything. Lately my brother says my ex comes up to him and makes small talk looks around to see if anybody is listening.. Pauses and once someone comes around he says he needs to get back to work. My question for you is it has only been 6 days.. But exactly how long do you think I should play the no contact rule… ? Now I am my boyfriends first ever girlfriend and my boyfriend does suffer from anxiety problems. He was also raised to not push his problems on to others.. Or cry.. I just don’t want to wait so long to text him that he is hurt and feels like I didn’t care the whole time.. He has never done this whole relationship thing. So how much time should I use no contact? And do you think he will understand the first text I do send? Since he never experienced a relationship.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Crystal,

      Thank you! ok.. I’m going to be straight. He’s the one that he broke up with you, if he can’t handle it with his anxiety issues, he wouldn’t have done it and being 6 days now, he should’ve taken his back what he said and asked for you back. He probably asks your brother out of guilt.

      When you do the no contact rule, you don’t just wait or stop to talk. There’s not much of an effect to it. Yes he will miss you but for higher chances, you need to improve yourself, move on without fully moving on. And with the first contact text, choose a topic that he always loves talking about, follow what Chris said in the podcast above. It doesn’t matter if you’re his first or not, what matters more in that time is what and how you text him. It doesn’t matter because all he wants is for you not to be angry, and with that text, it confirms you’re not.

    • crystal - 0

      crystal

      Thank you so much Amor! I agree with everything you just said like he probably asks my brother out of guilt… Now should I still wait exactly 30-45 days.. With this whole no contact thing.. I’m so new to this. So far I haven’t made any attempts to contact him and the way we broke up that night I did not act needy nor plead or beg.. I just mostly stated my opinions and ideas… I really do believe that he is afraid to contact me first because he thinks I hate him.. He said ” you could contact me if you need a friend, I love you and I care about you” and in the heat of the moment I was snappy and said, ” you don’t care because if you did you wouldn’t have broken up with me”… He got a little ticked off saying how dare I say that and never think that way.. So I just believe now he thinks if he were to contact me.. I’d hate him or tell him off..

  24. Herewego - 0

    Herewego

    Hi! So I initiated a text post no contact. He responded great. Even said he’d been thinking about me the day before and had wanted to text but thought I hated him. At this point though, I want him to think I’ve 100% moved on and am NOT looking to get back together (as far as he knows…). Should I text him that I of course don’t hate him and agree with him calling things off, it’s been for the best! (???) I’ve heard agreeing sometimes back the ex realizes that the person has moved on and is doing better without them and is out of their reach. Or does agreeing back fire later? Thoughts??? I just thought by agreeing he wouldn’t think of any other texts from me as wanting something eventually. And I can sneak back in with texting and meeting up. I also don’t want to hit that dreaded friend zone… Thanks so much!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Herewego,

      yeah,that’s ok. It’s like reverse psychology.

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      So I happened to have texted back last afternoon, saying I didn’t hate him and that I’d felt relieved and agreed with him, that the break up was for the best! Then I mentioned a light comment from the topic earlier right after…. needless to say he didn’t respond at all! After such a positive start with responses, to get no response… do you think I messed up by agreeing? That I reinforced some negative thoughts somehow? At this point how should I recover… wait a day, like the guide says, or shoot out a text today? Thank you so so so much!!! 🙂

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      actually, correction to my above comment… I said “hate’s such a strong word. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone.” and then continued to agree with the break up. maybe he thought by saying that I was basically saying I wasn’t a fan of him???? Either way how to recover before preceding with the PRO guide?? Thank you so much!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmm..wait first.. you said you mentioned a comment, was the comment conversational or is it something that doesn’t need a reply?

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      So per the PRO guide, I did a shock and awe first text, which worked great! It was not controversial at all! After small talk with that, he then mentioned how he had just been thinking of me yesterday and something funny, but did not text because he thought I hated him. At that point I was lunch, said I’d talk later, was out with friends and to have a great day. He told me to have a great day as well and called me by an old nickname. A few hours later, I responded to his remark about hating him. I said that hate was a strong word, and I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone. Then stated I had felt relieved and agreed with the break up. Right after I just quickly addressed or finished up the shock and awe point with something like, that was crazy wasn’t it! Perhaps it didn’t warrant reply. But still I felt no reply was odd… What would you recommend I do at this point? Thanks 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yeah, I think it just doesn’t need a reply anymore. Start with a new topic.. rest for 3 days, before initiating again.

    • Herewego - 0

      Herewego

      Hey again! So unfortunately I checked back to see your answer too late. So after the no response after telling him I was relieved and cool with the break up, I texted the next day. A good memory text. He was neutral… and then almost mean and sarcastic! When I asked how he had been, he said lonely, spent most nights crying. Later he said he was just kidding and was good…. what??? Who jokes like that with an ex? Anyways, I stayed positive, ended the convo, told him rain check on him catching me up on life. He responded with asking if it’d be in person. I played coy and said perhaps, but I’d be very busy this week. He finished saying “night boo.” … again he’s acting weird with this! So I took a day off and texted today. He was very neutral and 1 lined answers. No matter what topic I brought up, which he’d normally love, he just didn’t seem engages. Was very neutral. Like he didn’t want to talk to me. So I stayed positive and ended the convo with no resonse.
      Basically…. I’m wondering what happened after me stating I was relieved and agreed with the break up. Because that’s when everything changed! He’s gone from super positive (pre me agreeing), to mean and sarcastic and saying goodnight boo the next day, to now being neutral and withdrawn 2 days later…. basically what in the heck is going on in his head!?!?! Can you tell me what you think he’s thinking?? Did I screw my chances up??? And finally, yes I need to disappear a few days, but what should I do??? The guide can’t seem to help me with this situation I’m in :(. Thanks so much!!! You’re a life saver!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      actually I think those were jokes which are positive because if he’s either pissed or angry with you, he wouldnt be able to joke around with you.. and then maybe it was just really not a good time to text when he wasnt responding well to the topics that he lovesq

  25. Brittany - 0

    Brittany

    Hello! I first wanted to thank you for all the wonderful advice, it has given me hope and guidance in a very sad and confusing time in my life. That being said, I want to give you some background about my situation and ask for some advice. My boyfriend and I were together for 3 years. A little over three months ago, he broke up with me, saying he was unhappy with himself and our relationship and that we both needed time to work on ourselves and he didnt want to try anymore. I was devastated and felt blindsided, but have taken a good look at our relationship and realized he was right. At the time, our relationship was broken beyond repair and a break up was what we needed. After the breakup we texted each other on and off for about two months, always casual and always initiated by me. I wanted to keep him in my life and suggested that we remain friends – he agreed. Around August was when I started reading about the “no contact” rule, and decided that it was something I needed to do for myself to heal and recover, and to give him some time to miss me. I did not contact him for about 45 days, and he made no attempt to contact me during this period. I have used this time to improve and focus on myself, began eating right and exercising (I’ve lost about 27 pounds so far!), and it was essential to get me in the correct mindset. I do believe that we belong together, this was my first real relationship and it was amazing, we did have our fights but at the end of the day we loved each other more than anything. Right now I genuinely think that we could give it another shot, I am a different person with a healthier lifestyle and mindset, and if we were to get together again I think our relationship would be different and better. So following your advice, I sent a first contact text message today. I received what I would consider a positive response (plus he responded in less than three minutes) and ended the conversation on a positive note. I would love if you could give me some advice on where to go from here. I do not want to come off as needy, so should I text him tomorrow or wait a couple of days? The next time I text him, what should it be about? Thank you so much for all of the advice!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Brittany,

      You can text him again the next day.. Think of topics that he loves that are current. Check this one for other styles in texting:
      Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules)

    • Brittany - 0

      Brittany

      Hey again! So I texted him the day after the first contact text and we had a positive, brief conversation. I then texted him two days later, and he never responded. This was four days ago. What do I do?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      wait until it’s a week and then you can initiate again.. what was the text you sent?

    • Brittany - 0

      Brittany

      I sent him a picture of a really cool antique car (one of his favorite hobbies) that I happened to come across when I was out of town. I’m just worried that if I text him again and continue to be the one initiating the conversations that I will be seen as needy and pathetic. What do I say once it has been a week?

    • Brittany - 0

      Brittany

      I’m also confused because every other time I have texted him (even before I initiated no contact), he has responded very quickly (usually no longer than five to ten minutes), but also very reserved and almost careful. I thought the quick response time meant he was happy to hear from me, but now I dont know what to think.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Well, there is a limit to initiating. If he doesn’t reply again. You would wait two weeks and initiate again, if he doesn’t reply to that, then that means it would be better to move on. It’s not a good sign that he didn’t reply but maybe he was just not in the mood to talk at that time.

  26. Busy Bee - 0

    Busy Bee

    Hi… This website has been a good send. I’ve been heartbroken over a relationship that ended very recently. My partner and I were together for 2 years and live together. We were always arguing and I gave too much in the relationship. He was my life. I’ve started the NC but I’m struggling to see how I’ll stick with it. He’s gone away for a few days and I’m visiting my family but when he returns we were due to visit an elderly family member who has been unwell. Also we live together. How do I implement NC when there’s all this going on? Is it enough to keep conversations to a minimum and focus on myself even though we’re living together? How should I react when he texts to arrange visiting the family member?

    Reply
  27. Elli - 0

    Elli

    My long-distance boyfriend broke up with me just before I was moving close to him for a job. He said he just didn’t feel the attraction anymore but that he still cared for me as a friend and that we ‘d still see each other. But now he won’t say more than ‘hello’ in passing, and considering it wasn’t a bad breakup and that he’s in contact with one of his other exes I’m confused that he won’t speak to me, in fact he flinches when he sees me. I haven’t texted him in 2 months now but I want to initiate contact again, but I’m not sure what.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ellie,

      I think he’s not sure if you have moved or not, so he’s being cautious for you not to hope… Start to be friendly only when you see him at his work, use that as a first step.. and are you improving yourself?

    • Elli - 0

      Elli

      I texted him the other day just to ask how he was, and he responded positively, but haven’t heard from him since. (First time I’ve contacted him in 2 months). I’m keeping busy, I’ve always been active, I’m not moping round but I do miss him.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      well, it’s good that he responded positively..he really wouldnt be initiating at the start because there’s no rapport yet

    • Elli - 0

      Elli

      How do I develop this rapport? I don’t want to be pushy, but I miss being friends and I even if I can’t get him back I want that friendship.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmm.. do you remember how you and girl got along? It’s when you had the same interests and that you spent a lot of time talking about that, or doing that or getting insights from each other about that and you also give and get favors from each other.
      It doesn’t stop from just having the same interest but that’s the start of it.

      Put yourself in his shoes. What gets you to like somebody? Most of the time, those are the ones you help and help you, the ones that you can talk to about the things that you love talking about. That’s how you build rapport. If you’re the one that’s interested and he’s not, that means he has to see value in you. There has something that would make him want to keep talking to you

    • Ellie - 0

      Ellie

      We’ve always had tons in common, we have similar senses of humour, interests, etc.

      I just don’t know how to build that up again since he’s clearly tried hard to not communicate me, but he’s started liking my social media posts etc.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      probably because he doesn’t want you to expect.. so, just take it slow..

  28. Mia - 0

    Mia

    Hi, so I feel a little hopeless, because was a short relationship, but I had never felt happier or more connected to another human being that I did with him, and he told me the same thing. We met at a wedding in another state only to find out we live two doors down from eachother and work across the street from eachother. He got my # from a mutual friend and we hit it off immediately. After 3 weeks he wanted my daughter and I to meet his family which went amazing, he told me several times he was falling for me. Admittedly, I became afraid of losing him because it seemed to good to be true, so I pushed him away and told him I didn’t think he was ready…then ultimately he told me he wasn’t and wanted to focus on his music and didn’t think he could be what I needed him to be. Then he said let’s still hang out, just take some steps back…but then went silent on me. I sent a drunk text here and there…then finally wrote a letter saying I accept it and will move on, this all happened over about a month and a half, and am now on day 15 of NC. Am I crazy to feel like we are meant to be after such a short time and to want him back?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Mia,

      no, it’s normal because it was ended when you were still in the honeymoon period.

  29. Justin - 0

    Justin

    Hey so I been starting to read this the other day. I got back with my ex, she left the guy she was talking to while we broke up. Than we started having sex, we were with each other everyday. Than when he messaged her out of nowhere she left me. Only a week passed and he left her she started talking to me again, I been with her 7 years I cheated. When I text so get so into it than she leaves me no response. Than when I ask her to hangout she always says she’ll let me know than another day asks to hangout. I actually messed up and told her I wanted to be with her at the wrong time. She sees me as a friend since she misses him, but she told me there are time she misses me. How do I set a game plan to make sure this time is secure.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Justin,
      You’re like a reserve guy for her… have you tried the no contact rule?

  30. J - 0

    J

    Hey Amor!

    Sorry I’m posting questions all over the place. Emailing u would probably have been more organized at this point. I’m starting to wonder how long I should do NC. I was listening to some of the podcasts today and on one (I think #41?) the caller had a similar situation (ex seems confused, positive relationship, no fights, “good” break up). She originally was doing 30 days but did 25 instead. Chris had said that he probably would have suggested 21 for her because of the break up reason. As u know my ex’s reasoning was not being able to handle a relationship right now due to stress from what I concluded but he still wanted me in his life. My ex has been stalking my snapchat which he was never very active on (I have been very active going out, working out, yoga, meditating, reading, posting great selfies), I assume looking at my Twitter which he has also been more active on than usual, and kindly reached out during my bday which I ignored but he is aware I’ve read it. (Side note: all of this activity is even attracting other guys and even some of my guy friends. My ex before him, who cheated on me, has even started taking notice again trying to reach out. Could I possibly be a UG??) I havnt looked at any of his snaps but I do know he posted something last week from when we had a zoo date 2 months ago. I did peek at his Twitter today tho and he still has our anniversary in his bio. He also liked a tweet about feeling unhappy but trying to find happiness from within. Should I shorten NC to 21 days then judge when I should contact him from there? Stay at 30? Or maybe something in between like 25-28?
    Also, I’ve been posting to my guy friends to implement a tiny bit of jealousy here and there (all but one of my friends are guys) and was invited to go see a scary movie with them tomorrow. Would it be good for me to post us having a good time? (I feel like ur going to say yes haha)
    Thanks so much! xoxo

    Reply
    • J - 0

      J

      This is all just at Day 15 of NC by the way

    • J - 0

      J

      Also started NC immediately after the break up. So we havnt spoken at all since that day

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi J,

      do 30 days..if he sees you’re having funnin social media, he would gwg reminded of the fun times you had together and miss you

  31. Tangled - 0

    Tangled

    Hi Chris and Amor,

    When I finished NC, the first times we talked it went perfectly and it was 50/50. Then I wrote him three days ago and he answered, everything went well. However, I have an app where I share some pics (of cities, animals, etc) and I didn’t remember that we were sharing that folder, so he saw the pics and thought I sent them in purpose and answered telling “they look beautiful”. I was a bit nervous because that didn’t enter in my plan so I responded “I didn’t know I was sharing them”. Then, next day I thought about it and I felt bad because I thought he would have felt offended because he thought I sent the pics to him and it was a mistake, so I did send him pics on purpose this time and I told him, but this time he hasn’t answered. All of this makes me think about what to do if everything starts going well after NC, but then, suddenly, your ex stops texting you when you are expecting him to do it and you don’t wanna be a text gnat. Should I wait some days and if he doesn’t write, text him? Because for example if he writes in two weeks I don’t know if it’s a good idea not having any contact with him during two weeks just because he isn’t texting me first, but at the same time I don’t wanna be the one starting the conversation always. Btw I am trying to use the techniques so he wants to talk with me and all of that, but just in case he doesn’t write during long periods, should I write first more than once?

    Sorry I think this is a long comment. Thanks in advance for your answer.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Tangled,

      just let it rest for a few days and then you can initiate again. The more important thing is that you’re the one to end the convo in high note. It’s been 4 days since you sent this, have you texted him again?

    • Tangled - 0

      Tangled

      Hi Amor

      Yes, he finally answered to those pics and it was just a comment but I decided to write him this time through text messages, not by the app. He answered and was nice with me and I ended the conversation with just a few texts. That was 3 days ago and I’m waiting for him to text me. If he doesn’t I’ll follow your advice and write him in some days anyway…

  32. Heartbroken English Girl - 0

    Heartbroken English Girl

    Hello,

    Please can you tell me if it is even worth attempting this first text? I am 20 days into no contact going for the 45 looking at your advice. Some context we broke up 5 months ago “out of the blue” we had just had a lovely romantic weekend away – closer than ever – after nearly a year of going out he had finally told me how much he liked me etc claimed he showed me he loved me every day etc. The weekend before we broke we had spent the weekend together had a great time he had begged me to stay at his when I suggested I may just meet him for the evening due to time constraints. Everything was great then on the Tuesday we talked all day like normal he brought in the dinner items I asked for and talked about him changing his plans to go to the theatre with my family. He arrived at the flat kissed me like normal and then said we need to talk he then proceeded to cry explained that he had spoke to his sister on sunday night and she had broken up with her boyfriend and it had got him thinking and he doesn’t think we should be together – “i deserve more, he’s not ready for how serious a commitment this is and i’m more open with my emotions than he is”. This was conveniently before a lads holiday…. I text a few times saying how I think he had made a mistake he said “he’s made the right decision” When he went away I tried no contact… day 21 he text me I made the mistake on replying which started off friendly conversations. Since then there has been two meet ups which just end up with him going on and on about how he made the right decision and long phone calls and texts which have led to arguments. He says there is no doubt I was great to him and but he doesn’t want a girlfriend for 2-3 years. He has changed his mind lots from we can hang out as friend to now when he says we cant be friends because I slagged him off and we have deleted each other on facebook and snapchat. I know in the last 2 months I am guilty of pestering him but the realisation of us not getting back together killed me more and more – I got more frustrated and upset we weren’t together. From the moment we met there was a spark like no other – I was the first girl that actually got him in a relationship (he’s 24 turning 25 this year). I truly feel we are meant to be together and sure I’ve dated other guys since and it is not the same. Right now all I want to do is get him back but am I being unrealistic? I’ve listened to your podcast and your webinar they all focus on people who have been broken up a month or so… doesn’t give much hope for those who have been in this situation longer. Please can you help me out I’m trying I am – I’m working out 5 times a week, I’ve booked travels all round the world but the only thing that I know will make me truly happy is him. Please just tell me if you think No contact will work and after all the arguments will you “Confession texts” truly be the best method? Thanks in advance 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi heartbroken english girl,

      we cant recommend that no contact will work but if you’re contemplating on breaking the 45 day rule to text now, I dont think that’s a good plan and how many new people do you meet in a week and get connected to? it’s important..
      and also, from 2 months of making him go back with you, he’s probably thinking you’re chasing him.. if you really want a chance, he has to think you have moved on, have your own life, improving yourself and continue to do so while you’re talking to him.

      He has to see that you’re this girl that doesnt wnat him anymore and just there to catch up.. when he sees you’re continuously being amazing and yet not always avaialble, yet every talk is just fun and doesnt make him feel pressured, it can spark interest and you should date others during this nc too

    • Heartbroken English Girl - 0

      Heartbroken English Girl

      Thanks for the reply.

      What I really don’t understand is why do we have to play games – relationships are about honesty so why do I have to act like I don’t care? Not planning on breaking no contact but we are both going to an event on day 38 – how do I act at this event?

      Also why do I need to meet new guys each week? I’ve tried dating he criticised me for it and its not the same as what we had so I finished it with all of them – How does meeting new people help?

      Sorry for all questions – help is appreciated!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      it’s ok.. I understand. That’s actually good.

      first, in your case,doing nc is helping you change the way he thinks and expects you to act.. after 2 months of chasing, he would more probably think you’re still that kind of girl.. And you’re right, relationships are about honesty, but you’re not actually in a relationship with him because you’ve broken up.. And I’m pretty sure, your actions to get him back conveyed you still liked him and yet he didn’t reciprocate right?

      Meeting new people helps you widen your world, connecting with different kinds of people helps you be more perceptive and it can help you heal too. Not because you’re “dating” but because you’re creating new memories. It’s that feeling of progressing. And when we create and progress, it makes us feel alive which was lacking when we lose somebody or something. It’s not always about romantic dating, you can go for friendly group dates with a mix of guys and girls. Have fun, talk to other people. You’ll understand more why some people are like this or like that and in a sense help you understand your situation with your ex too.

      Volunteering is actually a good example of that..

      and you can be civil with him in the event, just dont act like you’re so excited or happy to see him or you’re so into him..

    • Heartbroken English Girl - 0

      Heartbroken English Girl

      Hello,

      Thanks for all your help so far I have an update and its not a good one! I am on day 30 / 45 of NC he has not text me… and even worst his friends have posted on fb making fun / mimicking a post I had with my friends. My ex liked this post and commented on it making jokes. 2 questions – do I confront him about this when I see him at event previously discussed and secondly do I need to give up? The fact he is joining in on this does this mean we will never get back together? I still want the nice him not this one making fun back!

      Thanks again 🙂

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      nope don’t do that.. brush it off.. he has to see that you are having fun because you are having fun, not just because you’re trying to make him believe in it.

    • Heartbroken English Girl - 0

      Heartbroken English Girl

      Another update… So Day 32 I kinda broke no contact but not properly – sent a congratualation card. 2 reasons – 1) to put me in a good light get rid of anger between us 2) make him feel guilty about the social media making fun of me. Straight away I got a positive text of him saying how nice it was of me – which I ignored! Do you think I did the right thing? Still recommend same tactic for the event next week? Thanks for you advice!

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      that’s good that he texted positively bit it’s not actually allowed to greet in occasions during no contact.
      this podcast explains why: EBR 057: Birthdays And The No Contact Rule

  33. Tasha - 0

    Tasha

    Sorry wrong last topic
    Hi so my ex-boyfriend and I been dating for almost one year. He broke up with me 2 month ago. During the hard time I didn’t know how to stop contacting him. Also during the time I was moving to a new location due to a new job that he was so support of during the time we were together. Before I left we had our last talk. I left my new area with great faith that we might be together someday but not right now. After moving to my new location I was fine for a while and then one day I miss him so much that I started to contact him. I met up with him once and it didn’t turn out so will I left an appearance of needy. After a while I started to learn about my lesson I made. Recently I guess I made a mistake of not being patience and not properly use my words wisely that I said and done few things. He told me that he’s patience wear thin. I don’t know what to do. Want to have another chance with him. Can you please help me

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Tasha,

      are you going to follow the game plan you first posted?

  34. Tasha - 0

    Tasha

    Alright, in this section I am going to briefly describe the “game plan” for contacting your ex. In no way is this set in stone. However, your best chance of getting him back could very well be the strategy I describe here. I also do want to point out that all I am going to talk about here are the bare essentials. I am not going to go into what you should be saying when you contact him, I wrote an entire page for that.

    Step 1: Implement the No Contact Rule. Basically for 30 days you cannot talk to your ex via texting, calling, facebooking, googling, etc. If you screw up and contact him before the 30 days is up then you have to start all over from day 1.

    Step 2: After your 30 days are up you are ready to make first contact. The best way to make first contact in my opinion is via a text message. However, you need to make this text message so interesting and fascinating that it will be impossible for him not to respond. That is the way you need to treat this first text. Again, I am not going to give examples here. The page I talked about above has plenty and teaches you how to correctly communicate with your ex via a text message.

    Step 3: Once you have reached the ideal place in your communication you are going to ask for a hangout or small meet up if he hasn’t already suggested it. Again, a lot has to happen between step 2 and step 3 and you are going to have to read this page for that. However, you aren’t going to ask for the hang out via a text message you are going to ask for it via a phone call. This is the correct way to use a phone call, after you have already established some rapport with each other. Again, if you want to know what to say during this call you are going to have to visit the page I keep telling you to go read, hint hint!

    Reply
  35. Lexis - 0

    Lexis

    Hi, my boyfriend of a year broke up with me because he sees me more of a best friend now, but he still loves me. There was nothing wrong in our relationship, we had one rough patch with fighting but got through it, no trust issues, or lying, etc. He freaked out and hysterically started crying when i told him that i can’t just be his best friend so therefore i can’t be in his life anymore. The past 2 months we have been texting on and off, both equally initiating the conversation. We broke up via Skype because we are on vacation from school and live in separate states, and have not seen each other for 3 months. I started no contact 3 days ago and am planning on continuing for a month. We both go back to school in 2 weeks and will see each other because we are neighbors, share a class together, and are in the same clubs. Even worse is we’re both studying abroad in the same country next semester. I’m already thinking of the first text i’m going to send in a month. Should I ask if he wants his stuff back (mainly clothes of his he lent me) or should I initiate a conversation with more of a story/memory?
    Thank you!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Lexis,

      I think it’s better to start a topic instead of asking if he wants his stuff back.. the memory shouldn’t be anything too romantic or dramatic. Be very active in improving yourself and continue doing that even after no contact.

  36. Help! - 0

    Help!

    My ex is now dating someone else, and is very reluctant to talk to me. He always responds when I reach out to him, but (because of his girlfriend I think) does not carry on conversation much. I have tried No contact for a full 30 days once so far. He was not very willing to talk to me after that, and so in the past month and a half I had sporadically messaged him on Facebook, but nothing has really come of it. Do you think if I extended the no contact rule to being a few months long (I’m studying abroad for 4 months, so I would just talk to him when I got back) it would be helpful to getting him back, or would it just push him closer to his new girlfriend (With me out of the picture) and there would be no hope left for me.

    Reply
    • Help! - 0

      Help!

      Just so you have background on the relationship… we are both college students but we don’t go to the same school (he now goes to the same school as his new girlfriend). We started dating at the end of high school, but have been on and off for 5 years. When we got to college he really wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me, but that wasn’t really what I wanted at the time, so I told him it had to be an open relationship or nothing. Towards the end of the year I began to really want him and only him, which is when I asked him to get back together exclusively and he said no (probably because of this other girl). It already seems like they have a better relationship then I had with him. She is friends with his parents on Facebook and they write on her wall (I never had a relationship with his family). I feel like I’ve already lost, but am really desperate to do whatever it takes to get him back. If that means not talking to him for 4 months that is doable. Or if that means talking to him while I’m abroad and “intervening” that is also doable.

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Help!

      yeah, with those information, it looks like they have a deeper relationship even if it was shorter.. but you have more memories so, hold on to that for now.. and I think you should read this blog post: Has He Moved On? How To Get Him Back If He Has A Girlfriend

  37. Blank - 0

    Blank

    Hey.. i followed nc rule. But i sometimes fail on the text messages because i sometimes ddnt realize that i add 2 or 3 txts. 9th day he txted that he said i love u bfore i said that im going to sleep. But on the 10th day i gave him a compliment. But he later told me that it wsnt him but his classmate. He told me that he thought i already movedon. I guess i was carried by my emotion bcoz i was disappointed. The prev days were fine but aftr the 10th day he seems to be not on the mood. I startd the transision. We called. I never thought that well last for more than 30 mins bcoz he never liked to call unlike today. On the 15th day he went here to watch our program where we will dance he said that he will support me. I try not to xpct again. He went here and we chat. Its a lttle awkward but as time passes he was so sweet. He even treat me bcoz i forgot to eat for we hav to practice. He told me how much he loves me and.. even if were in a ldr. He didnt told that were no longer frnds but couples. Unlike bfore he wants me to b his frnd the reason why we broke up. But now. Evrythng is fine. I guess my efforts and patient ddnt go to waste. But we had a little conflct and i saw him cry. Like in movies xD We cried undr the rain but i resolve it by invitng him to eat at our house now he always tell me he loves me and how he wants to go here even if he ddnt like this town. Thanks guys!! :)) But im still worrued because we have a forbiddn relationshp bcos of my and his family.. thats why we have this secret relationship. Im willing to wait for him till d right time comes even if i might go to other places someday.. i hope i made the right decision but im not the desperate grl like i used to be. I improved. Thanks! Now im going to reccomend this to my friend i really hope u can also help her :* 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Thank you Blank! You know, just enjoy everything.. you basically don’t need our advice now but in regards to his family.. if you’re not doing anything bad, then you don’t have to worry about anything..

  38. Rebecca - 0

    Rebecca

    Hey! About to listen to this… but I wondering if any advice as only on day 7 of no contact but day 30 is when we are due to fly on holiday for 2 weeks!!! Only contact has been him emailing to say we can’t change the names on the flights (which I didn’t reply to as he didn’t ask questions and in NC) so I’m pretty sure we aren’t going. Shall I break NC as we need to work out the holiday? Thinking I shouldn’t and should just accept we aren’y going and try and make other plans… would love someone’s insight re holiday bookings! thanks so much

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Rebecca,

      sorry, I’m not sure what you mean.. how are sure that you are not going?

  39. Chris Seiter - 0

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    Hi Jesse,

    how much have you improved during this no contact? and what was the topic of your first contact message? maybe choose a more natural topic on the next one and wait for 3 days before trying again..

    Reply
  40. Little Bit - 0

    Little Bit

    Hi! This was really great! Thank you so much for posting this! I am currently on day 27 of the NC rule & beginning to think of the perfect first contact message. I broke up with my ex & said some really, really harsh words. I was wondering what if he doesn’t reply to “OMG! You’re not going to believe what just happened?” as the first contact message? Can I just put everything I want to say in the first contact message? For example, “OMG! I just had Peter Dinklage on my flight! He plays Tyrion Lannister on G.O.T. Apparently he’s from New Jersey! Made me think of you for the first time in a long time.” Thank you for your help! 🙂

    Reply

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