What is a “first contact” text message?

Great question!

First Contact Text Message: The first text message that you send to your ex boyfriend after you have successfully completed the no contact rule.

And it just so happens that the first contact text message is the subject of today’s podcast episode.

Check it out,

Video Of Episode 53 (The Perfect First Contact Text Message)

What are your thoughts on the fact that we are now filming these podcast episodes?

Yay?

Nay?

Eh?

If you would be so kind to leave us some feedback in the comments section of the show notes that would be absolutely incredible!

Sarah’s Situation

Sarah’s situation is very interesting. Unlike many of the people asking questions she has almost completed the no contact rule and is starting to shift her focus towards texting her ex.

Which is exactly what we recommend.

Of course, she has a few questions about the texting phase,

  • She is on Day 25 of the no contact rule and is shifting her focus towards texting
  • Her ex started his first “real job” (whatever that means)
  • She wonders if she can break the no contact rule early
  • She wants to let him know that she’s thinking about him and praying for him

You can tell that Sarah is an extremely kindhearted human being but that doesn’t always play well in the world of “getting an ex back.”

We discuss that and much more in this episode,

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • The zeigarnik effect
  • Open loops
  • The anatomy of a perfect first contact text message
  • The importance of knowledge about an ex
  • The importance of storytelling
  • Specific action phrases to use
  • And much more…
I Want My Ex Back
Do You Have A Chance?

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Transcript Of This Episode

Download The Transcript For This Episode Here

(BONUS) The Anatomy Of A Perfect First Contact Text Message

I promised during the episode that in the show notes I would have a graphic depicting everything I was talking about.

Well, you can find that here.

Screen Shot 2016-07-27 at 5.25.30 PM

So, what the heck does this “graphic” even mean?

Well, allow me to deconstruct it for you,

Knowledge- This refers to the fact that you need to use the knowledge of what you already know to be true about your ex. What are his likes? What are the topics that you know for a fact that he will respond to if you were to text him about it.

Stories- Specifically interesting ones. Create a story that can not only serve as an interesting hook but also that can allow you to work in the other aspects that we are going to talk about.

Action Phrase- You want your text to start out with an action phrase. Something that’s sure to grab his attention. “Oh my god…”, “You won’t believe what I just saw” are great examples

The Tie In- End the text by saying something like “It was the first time you popped into my head in a while.”

Pretty epic graphic, huh?

What to Read Next

The Psychology Of An Ex During The Texting Phase

By Chris Seiter | 6 comments

What It Means When Your Ex Responds So Quickly

By Chris Seiter | 10 comments

Should You Text Your Ex To See How They’re Doing?

By Chris Seiter | 10 comments

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147 thoughts on “EBR 053: Deconstructing The Perfect First Contact Text Message”

  1. Avatar

    MARTY

    August 6, 2019 at 4:41 pm

    I saw my ex at a group outdoor party at 28th day of NC. We did not speak to each other. After the party i was told he got upset with two guys I had been talking to while there. One was his good friend who is also my friend who I nicely told No after he confessed he wanted to date me a few days before this party (he was drunk and put his arm around me possessivly and it was awkward, I pulled away) and the other was guy I dated briefly a year before my ex and I got together, who is now just a friend. I feel happy he got upset, but what kind of text do I send?

  2. Avatar

    smilyn

    December 6, 2018 at 6:17 am

    I like the idea of the action phrase, but if your guy is a player he may very well have read the “Oh my god! You’re not going to believe…” common action phrase used by other girls who may have also stumbled across your website. Any other good ones to use?? Im stumped. The same with the “that was the first time you popped into my head”. Surely there is a few other versions of this, but I can’t seem to think of any right now. Eeeek!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 6, 2018 at 11:32 pm

      Good point Smilyn…I wrote a book called the “Texting Bible” that has many, many examples for all types of situations.

  3. Avatar

    Debra

    October 5, 2018 at 8:17 pm

    I disagree with contacting him after 30 days especially If he moved on to another girl and is still with her . any message is gonna let him know your thinking of him and if you cared and wanted you he would go after you . The old fashion dropping the handkerchief Is completely different . That’s when you don’t even know each other . This is after he cheated , picked fights just to force you to do what is immature self couldn’t man up to do and break it off . He hung up on me ….. never called back !! Guilty ! If he can’t humdle himself to call text or anything why should I ? Anything I do will make me seem desporate and he already felt he had me . He knows I love him , he’s never said he loves me other than he cares . To afraid to commit after his divorce which was bad. He’s in green grass syndrome .

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 5, 2018 at 8:42 pm

      Hi Debra!

      You may be right.

  4. Avatar

    sara

    February 15, 2018 at 3:59 pm

    Hi ex boyfriend recovery team! About a month ago I started talking to a guy I met online. He was the one always messaging me and I just went along. We were texting back and forth for 2 weeks straight, then we met up. The texting was fun and flirty (he even said I was a good flirt and he enjoyed it), but when we met up I got a little shy and nervous and im pretty sure he saw through that. Anyway next day after the date I texted him and I got a dry response then didn’t hear from him for two days. After the 2 days I messaged him to see if we were still meeting up for lunch break that day (we had agreed to that before the date) but he said he did not even go to work that day. At that point I told him casually it was nice talking with him but i don’t want to continue this and good luck. I got no response so I messaged him asking he didn’t even want to wish me good luck? And i still got no response. I never contacted him after. He unfollowed me on instagram (which I’m active on) but still kept me as a friend on facebook (which I’m not so active on), which I still don’t understand lol. It’s been a week and a half and im still keeping myself strong with the NC for 30 days. In the meantime I’m working, working out, going out with friends and just keeping myself busy. I’ve been also keeping my social media activity the same as when we were talking. I change my whatsapp picture once a week (I make sure I pick a good one) and I haven’t posted anything on fb yet (I will next week). I’m afraid if I become more active than usual he’ll see I’m trying to get his attention. I also don’t want to make my instagram public for privacy reasons and I think he’ll see through that also. I’m also just thinking of formulating my first text for when NC is done. I was thinking of “Hey PersonX you wouldn’t believe this! I’m just watching showY and this SingerZ keeps reminding me of you and how fun and exciting our flirting was lol. Hope you’re doing well!”. He liked this SingerX btw. I’m afraid my text has no question for him to answer and keep a conversation flowing. I’m also afraid he hates me now because I just left him so suddenly, and we didn’t have a long/strong enough relationship before for me to use and be able to pull him back. What do you think? I’ve been reading a lot of your articles and I tried to incorporate as much of your points as I could. Thanks for the help!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 11:46 pm

      Hi Sara,

      You didn’t leave him. He was the one not responding to you, he probably ghosted you. Don’t tell him that something reminded you of how fun flirting with him was. That’s directly saying you miss flirting not what you were actually doing when you are flirting. For example, if you joked about that singer, talk about the joke.

  5. Avatar

    sara

    February 15, 2018 at 5:22 am

    Hi ex boyfriend recovery team! About a month ago I started talking to a guy i met online. He was the one always messaging me and I just went along. We were texting back and forth for 2 weeks straight, then we met up. The texting was fun and flirty (he even said I was a good flirt and he enjoyed it), but when we met up I got a little shy and nervous and im pretty sure he saw through that. Anyway next day after the date I texted him and I got a dry response then didn’t hear from him for two days. After the 2 days I messaged him to see if we were still meeting up for lunch break that day (we had agreed to that before the date) but he said he did not even go to work that day. At that point I told him casually it was nice talking with him but i don’t want to continue this and good luck. I got no response so I messaged him asking he didn’t even want to wish me good luck? And i still got no response. I never contacted him after. He unfollowed me on instagram (which I’m active on) but still kept me as a friend on facebook (which I’m not so active on), which I still don’t understand lol. It’s been a week and a half and im still keeping myself strong with the NC for 30 days. In the meantime I’m working, working out, going out with friends and just keeping myself busy. I’ve been also keeping my social media activity the same as when we were talking. I change my whatsapp picture once a week (I make sure I pick a good one) and I haven’t posted anything on fb yet (I will next week). I’m afraid if I become more active than usual he’ll see I’m trying to get his attention. I also don’t want to make my instagram public for privacy reasons and I think he’ll see through that also. I’m also just thinking of formulating my first text for when NC is done. I was thinking of “Hey PersonX you wouldn’t believe this! I’m just watching showY and this SingerZ keeps reminding me of you and how fun and exciting our flirting was lol. Hope you’re doing well!”. He liked this SingerX btw. I’m afraid my text has no question for him to answer and keep a conversation flowing. I’m also afraid he hates me now because I just left him so suddenly, and we didn’t have a long/strong enough relationship before for me to use and be able to pull him back. What do you think? I’ve been reading a lot of your articles and I tried to incorporate as much of your points as I could. Thanks for the help!

  6. Avatar

    Tami

    December 13, 2017 at 2:33 am

    Hello,

    Our last conversaiton was like this: I asked him a thing about his past relationship, and he lied. Then he said “Let’s move on. I don’t want to make you feel unvalued.” Then I stop responding anymore. Been in NC for 16 days.
    It’s kind of awkawrd for me to initiate the contact for I think it wasn’t a pleaseant end for us.
    Actually I want him to confess his lie by himself. And I’m not sure if any first contact text with interesting sotries like nothing have happened before would work well in my situation.

    Any thoughts please? 🙂

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 14, 2017 at 4:36 pm

      He’s already lying to you.. For me, you should move on..

  7. Avatar

    Anon

    October 18, 2017 at 3:16 pm

    Trying to construct my first text, what do you think?: My mom asked me if I had tried that Fujiyama restaurant and it just reminded me of when we tried that uni there and I had to slurp that raw egg off the plate lol
    This was when we were celebrating one of his coworkers bdays so there were about 15 people all at one table and everyone really got a kick out of me having to do that.

    1. Avatar

      Anon

      October 18, 2017 at 3:36 pm

      I think he was trying to friend zone me before so that’s why I did 45 days of nc (he did contact me twice during nc but I stood strong and didn’t reply). So not sure what type of first contact text I should do. The example above is of a positive, funny memory. Or do I need to do something more of what interests him?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 22, 2017 at 9:39 am

      Hi anon,

      Yep it’s a good one, you can try it..

  8. Avatar

    Michaela Golser

    September 28, 2017 at 9:51 am

    Hallo Chris Seiter team, I try to cut it short.
    My boyfriend broke up with me a month ago, the reason was that he needed space, I told him that this was not an option, so either we fix it or let it go (so actually I am the one who broke up). Right after that I started with no Contact, improved myself, started working out, posted on instagram that I was happy and meet a lot of new people (he always follows my story, knows what I am doing ect). I did the 30 days NC and yesterday I finished it. I texted him something really funny that he is really into with the conversation starter text (You will not believe what just happened to me) and ended it the way Chris recommends (That made me think of you the first time in a long time). Well, he did not respond, at all. I will still give him time (maybe there is still something coming), wait for another week and write him a „Could you give me advice“-message. So my question: do you think this is a good idea, or what else should I do at this point?
    Thank you for advice 

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 29, 2017 at 12:36 am

      HI Michaela,

      yeah, it’s a good idea.. you could try that.

  9. Avatar

    Susan

    July 20, 2017 at 3:54 pm

    Hi Amor!
    I’m on my 29th day of no contact! I thought I was going to break this past week but I held on! Can’t believe tomorrow is the 30th day. This may be a silly question…Do I contact my ex tomorrow on the 30th day or do I wait until the 31st day to contact? I’m determined to do this correctly! I’ve come this far to do it wrong.
    Thank you so much!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 25, 2017 at 10:17 am

      Hi Susan!,
      Have you contacted him?

  10. Avatar

    Sandy

    May 17, 2017 at 5:38 pm

    So I’m on day 27 of nc!! As awesome as it is that I havent broken it not soo awesome that he hasnt reached out either. I expected, well hoped, that he would send a friendly happy mothers day text, but I didnt hear from him at all. Now I guess my question is should I contact him in 3 days or do I wait longer. Our relationship was fine (honestly at the beginning I was 100% commited, not cheating, just kind of quick to bail if got hard) then at the end there were arguments. So our last contact was me telling him thank you for always responding, we had to meet up so he can pay me back some money. He told me he would always answer if he was able to, but then he just went MIA. As far as I feel. I have to be honest. I still miss him and want him back. I work out by myself now, but its hard not to miss him on our favorite workout. I have reflected on how maybe in fact I wasnt ready at the beginning and now Im in the classic, dont know what you had until its gone. I know what I did wrong and I was able to get him to say he forgave me b4 nc. I still miss him greatly, it would hurt to see him w/someone else even though he said that he hopes I dont think that poorly of him. He basically ended the relationship by saying that he loved me, just not us. And that at his age (24) he isnt ready to settle down (im 27) im working on becoming the UGG. Should I wait longer b4 I reach out? Im afraid of losing him for good. Am I ready? We dated for 1 year exactly. I met his parents in his hometown and him mine.

    1. Avatar

      Sandy

      May 26, 2017 at 11:47 pm

      34 days nc. Sent out first text. “Omg guess what” he responds immediately with “what” then i text him something got related and tell him thats the 1st time ive thought of him in a while. He texts back some interesting got trivia, i end convo he wishes me a good trip. I ended up getting the texting bible, but the tide theory is different here. Should i not text on day 3? Day 2 was also successful. He told me he had seen the show i asked him about but he had gone home to visit family. Asked him about them and a test he had, he told me he hadnt made it home but he passed the test. I told him i had to go and to take care. No response but i expected it since i ended the convo. Also, at what point do i let him initiate? I feel like he might just be playing the nice guy and I wonder often if im just wasting my time

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 29, 2017 at 2:57 pm

      follow your gut.. if you felt you need to rest on day 3, that’s ok..

    3. Avatar

      Sandy

      May 20, 2017 at 1:17 pm

      Day 30 nc today. After considering how confused i am, I will be extending it to 45. Ill keep you posted!

    4. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 19, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      If you want to extend to 45 days go ahead, but after that initiate contact.

  11. Avatar

    Sandy

    May 17, 2017 at 5:23 pm

    Test

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 19, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      If you want to extend to 45 days go ahead, but after that initiate contact.

  12. Avatar

    Sandy

    May 17, 2017 at 5:17 pm

    Hello! So I’m on day 27 no contact!! I thought I was going to break today since something work related almost reqd me to talk to him but I avoided it! Anyway. The reasom Im commenting is because, even though we ended with him telling me that I can call him whenever if I needed something, he has not made an attempt to contact me, even on Mothers day, which I thought he would if he still cared. Im worried he has moved on, or just is over it. My question is, how do I know when Im ready, im still really sad and part of me still wants him back (more fights towards the end, then he told me he didnt love us and didnt want to settle down yet and no longer wanted a relationship) ive been trying to move on, ive been working out, not going out at all though since I have a 7 yo. Im trying to move forward and i am little by little but I still hurt when I think about what was lost. I worry he has moved on and know it would hurt if he found someone new. Should I wait longer than 30 days? Should I just try and move on? Part of me just wants to be a friend (if he even wants that) and hopes that je will want me then.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 19, 2017 at 8:04 pm

      If you want to extend to 45 days go ahead, but after that initiate contact.

  13. Avatar

    crystal

    April 26, 2017 at 2:40 am

    So after two months of reaching out and getting ignored every time, my ex finally responded to my text message. I said “guess where i’m going this weekend”? He responds with “where”, I tell him, and he sends me “emoji” “I’m really jealous” “I have finals”… I responded with “How’s this semester compared to the first? I only miss parts of school but working is a lot better”. he read it, but hasnt’ responded… where do I go from here?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 29, 2017 at 10:09 pm

      how many times have you reached out in those two months? Is it to the point that you look like you’re chasing him? Right now, just let him initiate.

  14. Avatar

    L

    April 24, 2017 at 8:50 am

    Hi Amor,

    I’m sorry if this has been asked already. I’ve utilised the tide theory and have come up with a texting “game plan” for when my NC ends (5 May 2017) and I think it’s really rock solid. However, according to Chris’s theory, I’m expected to text my ex every day (bar the 3rd, 6th and 10th days). How on earth do I try to make that seem natural when it’s more than likely that I will have to initiate these texts every time? It seems kind of “GNAT-y” to me?

    Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      G

      June 6, 2017 at 12:56 am

      How did it go?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 26, 2017 at 2:36 pm

      there’s a rest day in the tide theory.. and you will start small and then increasing number of texts day by day.. it’s not a hard rule..you can modify it if you want

  15. Avatar

    EBR Team Member: Amor

    February 17, 2017 at 2:03 pm

    Hi Rachael,

    I like number 2 as it is because you can expound that topic…later on you can ask more of about that in the next conversations..

  16. Avatar

    Lily

    February 1, 2017 at 11:41 pm

    Hi,

    As one starts to build rapport, how does one avoid being friend-zoned and is instead building attraction but without seeming too aggressive / conspicuous? I feel this is a fine line to walk, especially if he said he wanted to be friends after breaking up with me. Do you have any advice on this?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 2, 2017 at 6:37 pm

      dont stop being the ungettable girl, go out with others either with friends or a date, dont be too available, always be the one to end the conversation at high note

  17. Avatar

    Lisa

    January 28, 2017 at 1:55 am

    Hi Chris and Amor,
    So I have a week left of no contact. I already have my text planned out but I kind of have a feeling that he may respond with “who is this”? 1. He either really deleted my number or 2. He is trying to sound cool . If I run into this situation , how should i handle it while still sounding in control ? I am planning to follow the guidelines that PRO gives us regarding how many texts to send per day . So how will that affect my text count ? Thank you so much !!!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 28, 2017 at 11:58 am

      Hi Lisa

      try this one.. You didnt make a mistake yet of course but the guy in the podcast might have erased her number too.
      EBR 063: When Texting Goes WRONG With Your Ex…

  18. Avatar

    KB

    January 3, 2017 at 10:37 pm

    I’m at the end of my 30 day no contact, and I’m getting ready to send my first text message. I’ve got something good and I’m sure I’ll get a response. However, what the heck do I say on Day 2 if he responds today? Do I just send another random message? What are some good Day 2 examples? I feel like if he responds just neutral to Day 1 text, then it will be weird to text again Day 2??

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 5, 2017 at 8:32 pm

      Hi Kb,

      day 1 and 2 are ok with first contact type of messages. You can continue the topics you used in the next days or use a different one that he loves talking about

  19. Avatar

    Kristin

    December 30, 2016 at 5:01 pm

    I’m on Day 26 of the 30 day no contact, and ran into my ex while I was pumping gas! We were friends for 2 months before we started dating, and we only dated for 4 months. We were very close during that time, and saw each other about 5 times a week. He was always the one to initiate texts, phone calls, and dates with me. We both have kids and our kids were involved in our relationship as well. The night our relationship ended was very odd. He was pretty drunk, and met up with a friend and I at a bar. He randomly got up and left, so I text him the next day to check on him and ask him what happen. He responds that he doesn’t want to have to ‘talk” and he doesn’t want drama. We never argued and there was no drama so I’m not sure what he was referring to. I’ll be honest that I begged him to talk to me and he kept saying “nah.” A week later, I asked if he wanted to talk and again he said “nah.” That last text was on Dec 4th, and then I decided to start NC. He has not reached out to me during the NC period. This morning, I was pumping gas and heard someone yell my name. Needless to say it was him! He asked how I was doing and I said “I’m great, but running late for work so I’ve gotta go.” He then proceeded to park his truck, and come stand with me at the gas pump while I finished up. We had small talk just about work and the kids until I was done and told him I really had to go. Then, he said it was really good seeing you. I was very short but nice with my responses to his questions, but it bothered me that he acted like nothing was wrong. Does running into him ruin my 30 day NC? How do I proceed? Do you think I still have a chance?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2016 at 8:33 am

      Hi Kristin,

      nope it didnt..but dont stop improving yourself during and after nc.. Be active in posting in social media..I think you do..but for now focus in healing and improving

  20. Avatar

    Clare

    December 30, 2016 at 4:02 am

    What if he doesn’t respond to the first contact text? How long should I wait before I send another one? Should I send another one?

    1. Avatar

      Clare

      December 30, 2016 at 5:21 pm

      And what if he doesn’t respond back to that one either?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 31, 2016 at 8:35 am

      if he doesn’t respond, wait two weeks but that would be the last.. if he still doesn’t respond that means you have to move on..

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 30, 2016 at 2:53 pm

      Hi Clare,
      wait a week

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