If you’re interested in learning about the biggest mistakes you can make when texting your ex then you definitely came to the right place.

Today Tyler Ramsey and I discuss the biggest texting blunders we are seeing clients make and how to avoid them.

Also, if you haven’t already make sure you take our ex recovery chances quiz below as it’s the ideal starting path you should take in this difficult journey to recover from your breakup. Check it out below.

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The Biggest Texting Mistakes You Can Make After A Breakup

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Chris:
All right. Today Tyler Ramsey, our newest coach within the X Recovery program and I, are going to be tackling some of the biggest mistakes we see people making during the testing phase. How are you doing Tyler?

Tyler Ramsey:
Doing good. How are you, Chris?

Chris:
We’re hanging in there. We were talking about Tyler’s ring light before we started. He got this new setup on his computer and this ring light, and he was asking me if I had one and I said, I do, but I don’t use it. I’m already white enough.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. It makes quite a difference, I’ll tell you. I have to say once you get yourself a nice 4k camera and a ring light, you look totally different on camera.

Chris:
It’s true. It’s true. It’s true. I’m stuck on my little MacBook camera and it’s fuzzy and stuff, but yeah. Anyways, we’re going to be talking about the mistakes people make when texting their ex’s when trying to get them back, and you ran a Facebook live today in a private Facebook group, you said there was quite a few on this list you were experiencing, you had to tell them.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. I was really having to tell some people, so yeah, it was interesting. So that’s good. I’m glad that we’re going to go out for it.

Chris:
Yeah. So we got quite a few mistakes written and what I think we should probably do or approach it is, we should probably just explain what it is and then both give our perspectives on it to see if we can add anything that the other person’s missing, and I guess I’ll go first. So probably the biggest mistake and this is actually going back to when I first created ex boyfriend recovery. I coined this acronym called gnat, G-N-A-T, going nuts at texting. And this really hits into the anxious behavior you get after a breakup, but basically it’s when you go nuts at texting. So you go through a breakup and then you just blow your ex’s phone up, trying to fix things right away and beg for them back. And the analogy I always used was, it’s like a bunch of gnats swarming your head and you swat them away, but they don’t go away.

Chris:
They just continue going, and you have to end up running to get them away, but then you’re running and they’re still following you. And it’s just like the most annoying thing, and the reason I came up with that acronym actually is because before I wrote this article about going nuts at texting, that literally happened to me. So that’s actually how the acronym came up. I was walking on a baseball field, playing soft ball, the pitch, the co-ed softball. We would have a team every Sunday and a bunch of gnats just started flying around. And I was running around the outfield and people were like, “What the hell is Chris doing.” It was just running round, I was trying to get rid of that gnats, but that’s how ex’s look at you if you’re going nuts and texting.

Tyler Ramsey:
Oh my God, I actually learned something on this podcast now, I had no idea. I always knew what gnat was, but I had no idea it stood for something.

Chris:
Oh really?

Tyler Ramsey:
No. I had no idea.

Chris:
You didn’t know it?

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. I knew the context of what it was, but I had no idea there was actual acronym behind it.

Chris:
Yeah. There’s an acronym behind it and a real life story behind it. I went all out for that, that was like the first big thing that caught on.

Tyler Ramsey:
Well, that’s pretty good point, I’ll have to say.

Chris:
Yeah, not bad, not bad. So do you have any… other than the general definition of natting, what would you say describes someone who is in this state of mind?

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Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. So this person’s usually, most of the time a gnat in my experiences is exactly when… it’s usually at the very beginning of a breakup where the loss has just occurred and someone basically begging for their ex back, or constantly texting them, calling them. Almost that really, really like, “Oh my gosh, I’m going to die if I don’t get to talk to them.” Kind of thing, and I’m going to go through every step to get there or try every manipulation technique to get them to text me back. So that’s what it ends up turning into.

Chris:
Yeah, just piggybacking off what you’re saying, I think the irony behind natters is they think that that behavior is going to fix things, and it always has the opposite effect. It always makes them want to push you away further, and it’s just a big mistake.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah, it definitely is. And so that’s something that you definitely want to stay away from when you’re going through this process, just because it creates a lot more of a gap between you and your ex when you do stuff like that.

Chris:
Yeah. For real. So the next one on the list is trying to immediately get a commitment out of your ex.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. So this one’s a good one. Yeah. So I actually talked about this earlier. And so, a lot of people feel like… I actually see this when people even come out of no contact and they want to go more into a texting phase, and you know where they’re texting their ex more. They send like three text messages and then they are like, “Well, do you want to get back together?” And I’m like, well-

Chris:
After three.

Tyler Ramsey:
After three, I’m like, that might be a little quick. And so basically, they were so strong going through the no contact and then all of it just got ruined because of that. And so that’s what’s so disappointing, and when you’re actually re-reaching out after no contact, you want to be very platonic and you want to be not emotional act like you have your life together without them. And it almost makes your ex wonder why you’re acting that way. And so it makes them a little bit more anxious and like, have they just moved on or that kind of thing. But when you go the opposite way, where you’re like, “Oh, well they’ve just been this whole entire 30 or 45 days, they’ll contact.” And just to get a commitment out of me or to reconsider the relationship, so.

Chris:
Yeah. I really can’t say much more other than, yeah, it’s a big mistake. It’s like jumping the value ladder concept that we often talk about. But I actually have an interesting story that happened, was it yesterday? I interviewed the success story. Someone who actually not only got her ex back, but she got married to her ex. Before I started interviewing her, she started telling me, she said like, “Chris, I’m not sure if I’m going to be a good interview.” And I said, “Oh, why?” And she said, “Well, it’s because I never made it out of no contact, meaning he asked for me back during no contact,” which she took to mean like, “Oh yeah, I jumped the value ladder. I went all the way to those in-person interactions. We immediately got back together.”

Chris:
But I was like, “You know what? No, come on. I want to find out exactly what happens. I’m always interested in these aberrations and why they occur.” But what was interesting is when I interviewed her, it was always him that was the one to initiate. So he had been day 40 of no contact. She was doing like a 45 day, no contact. Day 40 of no contact. He reached out to her basically asking for her back. So it’s almost like he got to the finish line, she got him to the finish line, and he didn’t quite cross the finish line because he didn’t ask for her back technically, but he was right there.

Chris:
And so she trust her gut, broke no contact. And of course they got back together and now she’s engaged to him. But what I found interesting is, a lot of people will misinterpret that situation as thinking like, oh, it worked for her but that worked for her is because her ex was already at a state where he was initiating, trying to push things over the finish line. That’s a much different situation than if you’re the one trying to push your ex over the finish line. So I think that’s the intricacies of that, that I would say that maybe I could add on.

Tyler Ramsey:
Well, and I actually have a comment with that too. It’s like, so some people misinterpret what you just said a little bit differently too. So it’s a big difference if your ex is like, “Hey, I want you back.” Versus, “Hey, I miss you.” And so those are very different and some people want to read those as, Oh, again, those are very different and one requires a break in no-contact and one doesn’t. Merely missing you versus I want you back. I want to have a conversation about changing the relationship or getting back together, these are very different things because what that shows is it’s more minimal effort to see if you’re still around. And it’s almost like a test, instead of like that your ex taking the initiative of like, I want to be back together with you.

Chris:
Yeah. Well, even piggybacking of what you just said, when I think back to the success story that I interviewed yesterday, if you take the play devil’s advocate and assume that she didn’t break no contact. She broke no contact to that 40 days to see her ex and it worked out for her, but if you were to take a situation where she didn’t do it, she saw it through and stuck to her program, I still think she would’ve gotten him back with our way, which is like a little bit longer, but we’re trying to build that foundation out.

Chris:
He was just so enamored and missed her so much and was basically asking for her back without actually officially doing it, that it worked out for her. But it is a risk to break no contact. To Tyler’s point, we see a lot of times where an ex will say they miss you and then you’re like, “Oh cool. I can break no contact.” You break no contact and guess what happens? They’re like, “Oh, thanks for seeing me.” Or you sleep with them and they’re like, “Okay, cool. I got what I want.” And there’s a lot of ways it can go South.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yep. That is so true. And that’s something that you don’t want to skip it. Well, and you just talked about skipping the value chain and that’s something that’s really important, where you just meet the need of your ex currently in that very lonely part that they’re sending that text of I miss you. So basically usually in those times that an ex is going to do that is when they feel lonely, their needs are not being met right then and there, or they’re cycling through the dating apps and they’re not getting the attention they want. And so they’re like, “All right, I’m going to go get it out of this person.” And then as soon as that needs met, they’re comfy once again, and then they navigate life all over.

Chris:
Well, yeah. There’s something powerful you just said there with like going… So assuming you go through a breakup, the natural assumption is, “Oh, I can do better than the person I was with.” And then you go on the dating apps and you’re like, “Why is this so hard? Why… I was wrong?” So you go back to what’s familiar to you. So that’s an interesting part of the process and trying to get a commitment out of your ex too much or too soon, often just sort of derails everything for you. You want to take the next big mistake?

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah.

Chris:
Or just randomly pick one.

Tyler Ramsey:
Sure. So I think a good one, I see a lot of the times it’s using text messages to tell your ex that you’ve changed instead of showing it. And so I think we definitely should really harp on that a little bit because I do see that often.

Chris:
Yeah. Yeah. I always take this as the… so writers, they often tell this concept like novelists, like show don’t tell. So there’s this interesting thing where they realize that audiences hate being told things. They like being shown things. Well, the same thing I think is true of ex’s. A lot of times there’s someone who’s truly over the breakup, someone who’s truly gotten past an ex or has changed or has improved their life in some way, won’t feel the need to tell their ex in text messages like, “Oh yeah, look at how awesome I am.” Or I’m this, I’m this, I’m this, I’m this.

Chris:
And I think we’ve all had an experience where we’ve been on the receiving end of that, where you’ll talk to someone and you’ll sit there and think like, “Why won’t this person…” Because it makes you look insecure, like you’re trying too hard, as opposed to just letting them see it naturally come through. But also through naturally, through social media, that indirect method of just naturally posting things that are making you happy. And that’s enough to show them that, “Hey, there’s a little bit of a different vibe here.”

Tyler Ramsey:
Yep. No, I totally agree. And so you really want to make sure that you’re just showing those actions instead of telling them. Because you’re right, it does look like you’re really pushing way too hard to push an agenda. And people feel that energy and so that you’re actively putting things out there for them to see. And so, and I also think that when you do those things, it shows that you’re eager but also when you’re not doing those things and you are show… so for instance, I don’t know, I guess it’s better just to use an example, like if your ex was upset about you being too needy and anxious. Well, you’re not texting them all the time, instead of just telling them, “Oh yeah, I’ve not very eager or very anxious anymore.” Just not doing it, by not texting them often, just texting them intermittently. They’re going to feel that. It also is kind of attractive in a way too, because it shows that you don’t care a lot about your ex in general.

Chris:
Yeah. Also, if you really think about it, someone who is extremely anxious throughout the relationship, it’s almost like you walk on eggshells around them. So the less likely you are to exhibit those anxious tendencies to your ex, they began to stop walking on eggshells. And in an odd way for certainly that I’ve been in relationships before, where you’re almost like trying to test the other person to see how are they going to react to this, and your ex will do that. If you have a history of overreacting anytime your ex mentions another girl or another guy or something like that, they might just slip something in there to see like, will this set them off. And they’re not going to just do it one time and be like, “Oh, okay, check, check, mate they’re fixed.”

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Chris:
No, they’ll do it naturally a bunch of times just to see, have they changed their tune on that? So there’s all sorts of weird ways which what you need to show how you’ve changed. And I think you can get really creative, there’s some really creative ways that you can show that you’ve changed. But one of the most creative ways I’ve come across, actually it has to do with utilizing that sphere of influence. So it’s a natural rule in sales too if you think about it, like who do you trust more? Do you trust… All right, let’s just… anyone listening to this, do you trust me sitting up here and saying like, “Yeah, buy the extra cover program, buy coaching with us. We’re best. We are unbiased. We are the best in the world versus your best friend.

Chris:
Who’s coached with Tyler or Anna or me, gotten their ex is back and they come to tell you like, “Oh my God, you’re not going to believe what just happened. I listened to these. It sounds crazy. Just do it, it worked.” Well, the same thing can apply have that sphere of influence where if you truly have improved your life in all of these ways, you can actually affect the people around your ex. And then the people around your ex will say, like, “You’re not going to believe what I just saw Sarah or John doing.” And then they start to take it a lot more seriously. So there’s that underrated aspect of this sphere of influence. And this all is happening while you’re texting them too, which kind of like there’s everything up, which I’m actually going to segue into the next thing, which is I think the biggest misconception people have or the big mistake people have is thinking that it’s like one singular text or one singular phrase that’s going to make your ex come back.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah, no, I agree. There’s not really one thing that you’re going to be able to say that will draw them in. And I really think that’s the really big hangup, especially going back to the beginning part of our conversation with the natting, it’s like if I say a certain thing it’s going to make them wake up or I’m going to get them to think about a memory and it’s going to make them miss me, that kind of thing. And so there’s really, the rapport builds over time and so there’s just not really one thing that you can actually say to do that.

Chris:
Yeah. I think the big flaw with the industry that we’re in, we’re dealing with breakups, right? And there unfortunately is a lot of people who will say things to try to take advantage of brokenhearted individuals, and they will give them these big misconceptions on how the process works. So the biggest misconception, I always see people having is like, “Hey, you can help me get my ex back in 30 days.” And I actually just recently posted a YouTube video that says like, no, we can’t. That is not our average success story. Our average success story is between two months and seven months after working with us.

Chris:
It means if you’ve been broken up for five months after working with us for two to seven months, that’s what our average success story occurs. So I’m trying to create this perception of, this is exactly what real life looks like, it’s going to take time. So anyone that’s sitting up there and saying like, “Say these three phrases and your ex’s needs your buckle, and then they’ll beg for you back, there’ll be obsessed with you.” I don’t think it quite works that way. I think there are things you can say that need your positive reactions, but it’s not going to make them have some epiphany, to be like, “I’m going to come back.” You know?

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. There’s a lot of things that go into it too, their life experiences, the rapport building that you’re having, your life experiences and that kind of thing too. There’s just a lot at play. And that’s why you see that two to seven months period very significantly because both parties have to be in the right mindset too.

Chris:
Yeah. And I actually think the two to seven months that I was basing it on was the last 10 success stories that I interviewed, but I haven’t added in the newer batch, right? So we actually had, I think Bethany, and if you don’t know Bethany is just go to her YouTube channel. She’s the chick with the purple hair. She has the craziest situation she succeeded, right? But it took her two years to succeed. So there’s a huge variance, not only in the realistic timeframe that it’s going to take to successfully get an ex back, but also the situation you’re in. Some situations, for example, on again, off again relationships, easiest situation to succeed in. There’s always a precedent there that is this just another trip around the wheel, the challenge with that is staying together. Then you look at people where your ex has moved on to someone new or you’ve been blocked or there’s a long distance situation. Those naturally will take longer amounts of time.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yep. Yeah, definitely. Especially when you’re dealing with rebounds and that kind of thing, you have to wait until that almost dissolves.

Chris:
Yeah. So moving on, and I would say this is probably going to be our last big mistake that we see and that actually is something that no one really talks about. That’s like… so do you want to take it or may?

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. So I feel like honestly, we’re saving the best for last, because this is… In every, I think in every single coaching session I have, I always mentioned this because it is like I place it up here and then everything else is secondary to it. And that is you really need to be in the right mindset to text your ex and that’s a packed statement. So, really what that means is, you need to come from a place that you feel secure in almost what craft thinkers has mentioned this before. It’s like we’re… you would like to have your ex back but you’re going to be okay if you don’t get them back. And that’s when the mindset change it, or when you can get to that mindset and you can change. It’s when you will make all the right decisions in texting, because you’re not going to be too eager.

Tyler Ramsey:
You’re going to know exactly when to end the conversation. You’re still living your life because at that point you’re okay without having them. And so you’re still doing very fun things, living life. And so that’s really the mindset you should be in before and I always say, when people are in no contact, if let’s say you do a 45 day no contact, if you can’t wait three more days to text them, you’re not in the right mindset. Because your anxiousness will get the better of you, and so that means that you’re counting down the days to be able to do something like that and that just means that you’re not in a head space to text them just quite yet.

Chris:
Yeah. Yeah. Tyler hits the nail on the head when he says we save the best to last. For me this is actually the thing that I’ve been studying the most. And this is the biggest thing that I took from just interviewing success stories and trying to identify patterns, I noticed two things. Number one was, people often say, well, how do I get in the right mindset? Well, that’s what the entire no contact rule is supposed to be about. And if you’re not in the right mindset by the time you end the no contact rule, you haven’t succeeded with the no contact rule. Even if you’ve gotten your ex to miss you and beg for you and things like that. If you’re not ready to have a conversation where you’re not controlled by fear, and what I mean by that is there’s a lot of…

Chris:
So Tyler’s statement. He said like, it’s a pack statement, right? And ultimately if you look at it at it’s whole, someone who’s not in the right mindset is going to be completely controlled by fear. Someone who is extremely anxious is controlled by fear because they fear they’re losing the other person completely. Someone who is free of that fear just doesn’t care if they get their ex back or if they’re ex responds or not. And that almost frees them from looking in… and this is the unfortunate trick of being in the right mindset. If you are in the right mindset, the wool gets lifted over your head and you realize, “Hey, there’s more out here than my ex.” And you start to lose interest in your ex. We noticed with success stories is the people who were able to lift the wool from over their eyes.

Chris:
They realized this concept of, “Wait, I can move on and be happy with someone else. I’m not always going to be with my ex. There’s always an opportunity for me to find someone better. It’s not like, they’re that one person for me, there’s other people that can be that for me.” And that alone makes your ex fearful. That alone makes them be like, “Wait a second. I thought you were the one that was anxious now.” And that’s why I think we start to see this uncanny correlation. And so, yeah, that to me is the best to last, which is really looking at your state of mind. And I’ve even tried to identify the state of mind by telling people to outgrow their ex in no contact, get to a point emotionally where you can move on and be okay with it.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yep. No, I totally agree. And I think fear is a big thing. And I think you hit on the last part a little bit, as far as, it’s fear of losing your ex and it’s also sometimes that you don’t feel worthy or good enough to get your ex back. And that goes into the concept of unbeatable, of like you can do better. And so instead of you thinking like, “Oh, I’m not worthy enough to get my ex back.” You should be in the mindset of, “My ex, is it worthy enough to have me back.” And that’s the key change right there. And if you can get to that part, that makes all the difference.

Chris:
Yeah. The irony behind this mindset thing that we’re talking about is, it’s really has nothing to do with your texting. That’s the irony behind it, so you’re going to sit here and say like, I imagine people are sitting here listening, they’re thinking, “Wait, you’re sitting here and saying that if I’m just in the right mindset, when I text my ex I’ll get better results.” And I’m sitting here and saying, “Yes, we’ve seen it happen enough to realize it helps.” Now what Tyler and I think what we’re talking about that right mindset, is not tactical but it’s strategical. So the tactical things come in when you’re looking at things like word count, or how do you hook an ex with a good first contact text message? Or how do you keep a conversation going? How do you keep an ex engaged? We’re not trying to talk about that because you need to master the strategy first, before you master the tactics. Now to want to master the , that’s what coaching with Tyler is for. See that’s how you segue, Tyler.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yes. I guess you’re a little bit more of a professional when it comes to that. And a little more experience.

Chris:
That’s not a good compliment though, I guess.

Tyler Ramsey:
Is it not now? Why is that?

Chris:
Yeah. It makes me feel like the sneaky oil salesman, you just like seamlessly slip that in there. No, but really being in the right mindset is key. So even if you don’t coach with Tyler, just realize you can improve your odds just alone by this one thing, mindset. Just be in the right mindset.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. And I feel like we’ve talked about being in the right mindset. We can say that all day, but learning how to actually do that is… the biggest thing is to put all the focus back on yourself and not on your ex and what they’re doing and who they’re with and that kind of thing. And instead of putting all that energy towards that, putting it back internally and focusing on you getting better. Going to the gym, looking better, going back to your new hobbies and really getting good at things again, because I’m sure those lacked when you were in a relationship. And so that’s how you do that.

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Chris:
I don’t know how much more to say. We’re just nailing the head on the nat here. I guess one thing we should say is if you’re interested in working with one of our coaches, all you have to do is just go to ex-boyfriend recovery or ex-girlfriend recovery and up the coaching page and just sign up, we’ve got availability open. So if you’re listening to this on the podcast, just type in ex-boyfriend to cover your ex-girlfriend recovery and sign up while you can.

Tyler Ramsey:
For sure. Yeah. And we’re happy to have you any time. And I feel like you get a whole hour with us and so that’s the nice thing. We get to know that semantics and details of everything that’s going on in your individual situation and sometimes there are. We’ve designed more of a game plan for what generally you should do for an ex, but there’s some changes that you can make along the way, depending upon your individual situation. And the only way you get that is through coaching.

Chris:
Yeah. The devil is truly in the details. This is one of the reasons why I think coaching is an essential part of the program. We do have the digital program that gives you, this is the lay of the land. This is what we found works in generally. But what we don’t do in there is we don’t say, this is exactly how you need to respond to them in a long distance situation if you’ve been blocked and this happens. This is exactly how you need to get out of being blocked or be like, get noticed again if you feel like he’s beginning to ghost you or lose interest in you in text messaging, in this specific situation. So the devil is in the details because a lot of times what happens is you’ll read the program and you’ll be like, “Wow, this is so much information. It’s great. But what about this? What about this? What about this?” Well, you need a real life person to help you with that and a real life person, Tyler.

Tyler Ramsey:
For sure. For sure.

Chris:
So again, if you’re interested in taking… I almost said taking a class, if you’re interested in taking a class with Tyler, just check out the coaching page on our website and we will get you hooked up. You have final words to say to everyone listening?

Tyler Ramsey:
No, I don’t think so. I think we covered everything. Just to summarize, natting is never a good thing to do. And what was your acronym again, Chris?

Chris:
Going nuts at texting. So you forgot the acronym, but now I’m going to drill it into your head because that is like the best acronym ever.

Tyler Ramsey:
It really is.

Chris:
Going nuts at texting.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. And so another person… what was that?

Chris:
Yeah. Sorry. I thought we were going to do back and forth. You can see Tyler and I are… we’re chomping at it a bit to get the next one. So why don’t you take it?

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah. So I think another big one that I see a lot is… and we talked about, was trying to immediately get commitment out of your ex. Coming out of no contact and immediately try to retry things.

Chris:
Yeah. Then we got, well, why a texting isn’t the key to getting them back, which is you coming into this thinking, there’s a specific phrase you can say to fix them. Then you’ve got texting, using text messages to tell your ex that you’ve changed instead of showing your ex that you’ve changed. And then the biggie, which is being in the right state of mind before you talk to your ex.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yeah, definitely. And those are definitely a lot to consider, what not to do when you are texting.

Chris:
You guys got it, again if you want to sign up with Tyler, make sure you get to that coaching page and sign up while you still can.

Tyler Ramsey:
Yep. All right. Sounds good. Well, we’ll see you next time.