Today we are going to be talking about why your ex refuses to talk to you after a breakup.
We are going to be looking at advanced psychological research on ghosting, reputable polls about breakups and drawing on my own experience of coaching people for a living to come up with legitimate reasons for why your ex won’t talk to you.
Oh, and I haven’t even told you about the best part yet.
After I tell you why your ex refuses to talk to you I’m going to tell you what you can do about it.
Why Won’t My Ex Talk To Me At All?
In my humble opinion there are three primary reasons for why an ex will avoid talking to you after a breakup.
In short, they are as follows,
- They Don’t Think Being Friendly Is “Worth It”
- They Fear They Will Hurt Your Feelings
- They Want To Avoid Awkward Conversations
Now, if you don’t know how I roll then you’re in for a treat.
Generally I go above and beyond for my clients and that means I like to go really in-depth on my explanations.
So, not only am I going to explain what I mean by all of the reasons above but I’m also going to dive deeper and tell you what you can do if you find yourself in this precarious position where you can’t get your exes attention.
Sound like a plan?
Reason #1: They Don’t Think Being Friendly Is “Worth It”
Everything I say in these articles I have some type of proof to back up.
So, you can rest assured that I’ve done my research and have found evidence to prove my claims.
So, what did I find for this one?
Well, a few years ago the Associated Press conducted a poll where they asked people all kinds of questions about breakups.
One of the questions asked was,
Generally speaking do you think it is worth it or not worth it for a person to remain friends with an ex after a breakup
The results were pretty clear,
59% of individuals claimed that they don’t believe it is worth the trouble to “remain friends.”
Now, I have my own thoughts about being friends with an ex after a breakup and how you can use that to help yourself but overall I think this says something interesting about why your ex doesn’t want to talk to you.
You’ll learn in a few minutes how human beings tend to be very self interested.
So, it completely makes sense for them to weigh the odds and land on the fact that “being friendly” with you after the breakup simply isn’t worth it in the long run.
Reason #2: They Fear They Will Hurt Your Feelings
When preparing for this article it took me a while to locate research.
Ultimately I settled on ghosting research.
If you aren’t familiar, ghosting is the “new terminology” to describe someone who,
Simply disappears from your life with no explanation
Now, it’s easy to mix this up with “the no contact rule” but it’s completely different.
With the no contact rule your intention is eventually to get back in touch. With ghosting it’s to never talk to the person again.
I thought it would be really interesting to understand the motivations behind why people ghost.
The results were fascinating.
According to this article one of the top reasons people ghost is because,
They are afraid to hurt your feelings
Now, this actually makes sense when I look at my own experience in coaching people. One commonality I see among exes is that they aren’t entirely truthful in their explanation of why a breakup goes down. Often you’ll find that when a party is trying to get in touch with another party after a breakup they are seeking more clarification or closure with regards to the breakup.
They are afraid that you can’t take the real reason they broke up with you so they simply avoid you like the plague.
Reason #3: They Want To Avoid Awkward Conversations
When I was 19 years old I went through my very first breakup.
It was bad…
Anyways, a few weeks after it all went down I went to the mall with my friend and happened to see my ex from afar.
What do you think I did?
If you guessed, “pulled a Kramer” then you’d be right,
It’s always awkward to be around someone that there is friction with.
Again, I’d like to turn to that article I cited above on ghosting.
If you read it you’ll notice this little diddy right here,
It was often because I’ve met someone else, and I’m just anticipating that awkward conversation and want to avoid it.
This was the response given when someone was asked why they ghosted their previous partner.
Apparently this person ghosted their ex because they met someone else and just wanted to avoid the awkward conversation about it with their ex altogether.
Now, I find it fascinating that in this case the awkwardness is caused because one party knows they have wronged the other party.
This creates the “awkward” feeling.
Thus presenting the person with two choices.
Fight or flight.
They often choose flight!
What To Do If My Ex Refuses To Talk To Me?
This is where things get fun.
Because I get to teach you three of my best tips on how to put yourself in a position where your ex will want to talk to you.
Here are the tips,
- Grasp That Your Ex Is Probably Self Interested
- Invoke “The Trust Scale”
- Catch Their Attention With A Pattern Interrupt
Just like before, expect me to go in-depth on each of these concepts.
Tip #1: Grasp That Your Ex Is Probably Self Interested
I actually touched on this in the article I posted yesterday but I feel it’s important enough to talk about again so here we are.
People look at breakups wrong in my opinion.
And it’s all because you are trapped within your own paradigm.
Think about it, you aren’t really here because you want your ex back. You are here because you want to feel better.
That awful feeling you have inside.
The one that makes you feel alone.
The one that makes you feel scared…
You want that feeling gone, don’t you.
And on some level you understand that they way to get rid of that feeling is to get your ex back. After all, he or she is the source of that pain, right?
Everything you do is for YOU, isn’t it?
Here’s the craziest part. Everything your ex does is for them.
In other words, they are looking for the bigger better deal always.
Think of it like this,
Instead of being trapped in your own paradigm you need to step outside and understand reality for what it really is.
Your ex is self interested.
They aren’t selfless…
Their love for you isn’t going to conquer continents.
If you understand this fact it’s going to help you understand what levers you need to pull to get them to pay attention to you.
Tip #2: Invoke The Trust Scale
I’m actually going to pull another concept from yesterdays article again.
(Side Note: That article is really good.)
I’d like to introduce you to what I call the trust scale,
The way it works is simple.
We each place people on this scale differently.
And a lot of it has to do with trust.
For example, you aren’t going to trust a stranger with your heart, are you?
Probably not, you are only going to do that with a significant other.
So, what separates a significant other from a stranger?
The biggest mistake I see people making when they try to get their exes back is that they arrogantly believe they are above everyone else.
Like somehow dating and sharing a level of trust with someone at one point of their life puts them above the rest of the world. They conveniently forget that a breakup occurred.
You can’t just act like you are still dating the person.
Instead, you have to work your way up the trust scale.
Now, the million dollar question running through your mind right now is,
But they are ignoring me… how the heck can I get them to stop ignoring me?
Tip #3: Catch Their Attention With A Pattern Interrupt
I want you to do me a favor and watch something for a minute,
This is a video I put together explaining what a pattern interrupt is.
In our context a pattern interrupt is something you can use to interrupt a pattern and catch your exes attention
Pattern interrupts are defined by curiosity.
It’s essentially something that occurs that creates enough curiosity to warrant attention.
They are perfect for reaching out to your ex with text messages.
So, what is an example of a good pattern interrupt?
Notice how this incites curiosity.
Your ex can read that text message and immediately wonder what this secret is.
This one creates curiosity as well but it’s a different type of curiosity.
It’s fear based.
Your ex gets this message and the first thing they think is,
What did he/she do to me?
Remember, your ex is only self interested.