Today we are going to be talking about why your ex refuses to talk to you after a breakup.

We are going to be looking at advanced psychological research on ghosting, reputable polls about breakups and drawing on my own experience of coaching people for a living to come up with legitimate reasons for why your ex won’t talk to you.

Oh, and I haven’t even told you about the best part yet.

After I tell you why your ex refuses to talk to you I’m going to tell you what you can do about it.

Let’s begin!

Why Won’t My Ex Talk To Me At All? 

In my humble opinion there are three primary reasons for why an ex will avoid talking to you after a breakup.

In short, they are as follows,

  1. They Don’t Think Being Friendly Is “Worth It”
  2. They Fear They Will Hurt Your Feelings
  3. They Want To Avoid Awkward Conversations

Now, if you don’t know how I roll then you’re in for a treat.

Generally I go above and beyond for my clients and that means I like to go really in-depth on my explanations.

So, not only am I going to explain what I mean by all of the reasons above but I’m also going to dive deeper and tell you what you can do if you find yourself in this precarious position where you can’t get your exes attention.

Sound like a plan?

Cool!

Reason #1: They Don’t Think Being Friendly Is “Worth It”

Everything I say in these articles I have some type of proof to back up.

So, you can rest assured that I’ve done my research and have found evidence to prove my claims.

So, what did I find for this one?

Well, a few years ago the Associated Press conducted a poll where they asked people all kinds of questions about breakups.

One of the questions asked was,

Generally speaking do you think it is worth it or not worth it for a person to remain friends with an ex after a breakup

The results were pretty clear,

59% of individuals claimed that they don’t believe it is worth the trouble to “remain friends.”

Now, I have my own thoughts about being friends with an ex after a breakup and how you can use that to help yourself but overall I think this says something interesting about why your ex doesn’t want to talk to you.

You’ll learn in a few minutes how human beings tend to be very self interested.

So, it completely makes sense for them to weigh the odds and land on the fact that “being friendly” with you after the breakup simply isn’t worth it in the long run.

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Reason #2: They Fear They Will Hurt Your Feelings

When preparing for this article it took me a while to locate research.

Ultimately I settled on ghosting research.

If you aren’t familiar, ghosting is the “new terminology” to describe someone who,

Simply disappears from your life with no explanation

Now, it’s easy to mix this up with “the no contact rule” but it’s completely different.

With the no contact rule your intention is eventually to get back in touch. With ghosting it’s to never talk to the person again.

I thought it would be really interesting to understand the motivations behind why people ghost.

The results were fascinating.

According to this article one of the top reasons people ghost is because,

They are afraid to hurt your feelings

Now, this actually makes sense when I look at my own experience in coaching people. One commonality I see among exes is that they aren’t entirely truthful in their explanation of why a breakup goes down. Often you’ll find that when a party is trying to get in touch with another party after a breakup they are seeking more clarification or closure with regards to the breakup.

They are afraid that you can’t take the real reason they broke up with you so they simply avoid you like the plague.

Reason #3: They Want To Avoid Awkward Conversations

When I was 19 years old I went through my very first breakup.

It was bad…

Anyways, a few weeks after it all went down I went to the mall with my friend and happened to see my ex from afar.

What do you think I did?

If you guessed, “pulled a Kramer” then you’d be right,

It’s always awkward to be around someone that there is friction with.

Again, I’d like to turn to that article I cited above on ghosting.

If you read it you’ll notice this little diddy right here,

It was often because I’ve met someone else, and I’m just anticipating that awkward conversation and want to avoid it.

This was the response given when someone was asked why they ghosted their previous partner.

Apparently this person ghosted their ex because they met someone else and just wanted to avoid the awkward conversation about it with their ex altogether.

Now, I find it fascinating that in this case the awkwardness is caused because one party knows they have wronged the other party.

This creates the “awkward” feeling.

Thus presenting the person with two choices.

Fight or flight.

They often choose flight!

What To Do If My Ex Refuses To Talk To Me?

This is where things get fun.

Why?

Because I get to teach you three of my best tips on how to put yourself in a position where your ex will want to talk to you.

Here are the tips,

  1. Grasp That Your Ex Is Probably Self Interested
  2. Invoke “The Trust Scale”
  3. Catch Their Attention With A Pattern Interrupt

Just like before, expect me to go in-depth on each of these concepts.

Tip #1: Grasp That Your Ex Is Probably Self Interested

I actually touched on this in the article I posted yesterday but I feel it’s important enough to talk about again so here we are.

People look at breakups wrong in my opinion.

And it’s all because you are trapped within your own paradigm.

Think about it, you aren’t really here because you want your ex back. You are here because you want to feel better.

That awful feeling you have inside.

The one that makes you feel alone.

The one that makes you feel scared…

Sad…

Depressed…

Angry…

You want that feeling gone, don’t you.

And on some level you understand that they way to get rid of that feeling is to get your ex back. After all, he or she is the source of that pain, right?

Everything you do is for YOU, isn’t it?

Here’s the craziest part. Everything your ex does is for them.

In other words, they are looking for the bigger better deal always.

Think of it like this,

Instead of being trapped in your own paradigm you need to step outside and understand reality for what it really is.

Your ex is self interested.

They aren’t selfless…

Their love for you isn’t going to conquer continents.

If you understand this fact it’s going to help you understand what levers you need to pull to get them to pay attention to you.

Tip #2: Invoke The Trust Scale

I’m actually going to pull another concept from yesterdays article again.

(Side Note: That article is really good.)

I’d like to introduce you to what I call the trust scale,

The way it works is simple.

We each place people on this scale differently.

And a lot of it has to do with trust.

For example, you aren’t going to trust a stranger with your heart, are you?

Probably not, you are only going to do that with a significant other.

So, what separates a significant other from a stranger?

Trust!

The biggest mistake I see people making when they try to get their exes back is that they arrogantly believe they are above everyone else.

Like somehow dating and sharing a level of trust with someone at one point of their life puts them above the rest of the world. They conveniently forget that a breakup occurred.

You can’t just act like you are still dating the person.

You aren’t.

Instead, you have to work your way up the trust scale.

Now, the million dollar question running through your mind right now is,

But they are ignoring me… how the heck can I get them to stop ignoring me?

Tip #3: Catch Their Attention With A Pattern Interrupt

I want you to do me a favor and watch something for a minute,

This is a video I put together explaining what a pattern interrupt is.

In our context a pattern interrupt is something you can use to interrupt a pattern and catch your exes attention

Pattern interrupts are defined by curiosity.

It’s essentially something that occurs that creates enough curiosity to warrant attention.

They are perfect for reaching out to your ex with text messages.

So, what is an example of a good pattern interrupt?

Notice how this incites curiosity.

Your ex can read that text message and immediately wonder what this secret is.

Here’s another,

This one creates curiosity as well but it’s a different type of curiosity.

It’s fear based.

Your ex gets this message and the first thing they think is,

What did he/she do to me?

Remember, your ex is only self interested.

13 thoughts on “Reasons Your Ex Won’t Talk To You (And What You Can Do About It)”

  1. Sofia

    October 27, 2018 at 2:02 am

    Chris, I am quite desperate because I feel my case has no hope.
    I started seeing this guy on a trip, we got along very well, he told me he felt with me like he hasnt felt with anyone for a very long time, that he wanted to be with me, his actions matched his words, he was loving and honest etc.
    He lives in Italy, I was planning on moving to Spain but after this 3 weeks with him in Italy I decided to change Spain for Italy since I really liked it there and I could be with him. He was very excited and happy, I came back home to arrange eveyrthing to leave there. And after about 20 days of being here when I am starting to actually get things done for me to go there he tells me he cant see himself in a serious relationship with me because when we first met on my trip we did a threesome with his friend. And that he has been trying to work around this because we are really good together and he loves me but he just cant imagine himself being a real boyfriend with me because of this. I offered him a million ideas and solutions but he said no. He said this actually happened before to him a similar situation with another ex, they did a threesome and then he started acting like an asshole with her. And he didnt want to do that to me, that it wasnt anyones fault but its reality. He broke my heart, this was 2 days ago, yesterday the day after the “breakup” I told him I was very sad I hadnt been able to sleep all night that I needed to talk to him, he said he would call me later and he never did. He NEVER promised to call me and didnt. I feel I lost him for good and he was the ideal partner for me.
    Ive consider sending him a letter with all my thoughts but he already knows everything, I just believe theres power in written things… but for now I will try the NC thing maybe although I think it would just distance him more from me.

    I think that if I was there with him phisically he would change his mind. I think maybe he spoke to friends and they made fun of him getting serious with me after what we did, it was my frist threesome and I never though id be serious with him. Im really sad

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 28, 2018 at 4:43 am

      Hi Sofia!

      I remember reading your story as you sent me a message to my support email. You should have gotten my reply!

  2. Michel H

    October 2, 2018 at 11:31 pm

    I have been ignoring a really stubborn, rude, and arrogant man who became used to me “being the bigger person” and reaching out to him after blow-ups. He became quiet lazy, and is what Id call a lazy dater. He is literally a lion. Waiting me out only to go back to his asshole ways…So now its seems he appears where I go weekly. What the [email protected]$# is that about? Hoping I’ll speak one day??HELL NO! he needs to be tamed once and for all. Miss me hope I speak see Im not and feel I am dead to him. Quite a cocky bastard so this is now funny cause Im winning 🙂 If he speaks fine if not fine. He once went 11 days and caved then 8 days. Im actually tired of the fights over stupid stuff and being ignored for days so you tell me. What do I have on my hands Sir?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 3, 2018 at 1:08 am

      Hi Michel!

      It seems you should not be in a rush to get back into this relationship.

  3. Sara Hinds

    October 2, 2018 at 9:18 pm

    This article opened my eyes a bit! I never thought about the trust concept you brought up, and I noticed I’ve done that since my BU. I have tended to think, like you said, that since we dated, I should be above everyone else still. I haven’t accepted the breakup. Thanks for writing this!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 3, 2018 at 1:10 am

      Hi Sara!

      Trust those feelings that whisper in your ear that you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration.

  4. Nelle

    October 2, 2018 at 2:58 pm

    Big problem here, need help:
    – A year and a half since break up. Built rapport, two NC (he texted first) but we’ve been two months and a half without texting (NC has been our maximum). Last time wasn’t very good, he was giving small steps and then he changed his mind. He left my last text (answering him) unread for a month. I can’t initiate.
    – A year ago that was that girl obsessed with him. She didn’t get more than a friendship (and not very close). She is an attention w***e, childish and, above all, liar. SixSixHe months ago he got tired of her lies and blocked her in every social media. He even lost people last months when he tried to tell them that she wasn’t a good person. BUT I don’t even know how but I am afraid that in the last weeks she got him and this time, romantically. He still doesn’t have her in any social media but her statuses… My friends tell me that it’s only her pretending to have a boyfriend and my fear, nothing real but I am really, really afraid. She is a liar and a liar always have a bigger lie to fix the previous ones. I don’t understand how could that happen but I have to work with this situation. If it’s only my imagination and her lies, well, fine, but I prefer to fear the worst.
    – In two weeks I have an event and this girl will be attending. About him, I don’t know, buy it’s possible. It wouldn’t be likely that he went with her like a couple (they would only have been dating for two weeks right now) but I am very worried, till the point I don’t want to go but it’s almost impossible to cancel. If he went, it would be the first time we saw each other since before the break up (LDR).

    With all this, what can I do?

    VERY SORRY FOR THE LONG POST

  5. Sam

    October 2, 2018 at 4:28 am

    Hi Chris,
    Which resources do you think would benefit me the best? I’ve been listening to your podcast but I just feel like none of the situations in your blog or podcast really relate to what I’ve experienced so far in my breakup.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 2, 2018 at 4:41 am

      Hi Sam!

      Go check out my YouTube Page which you can reach via my website’s home page. Also, take a look at the eBooks I have written. While we will all have our own unique breakup story, with unique twists and turns….the principles, concepts, and strategies and tactics I recommend will almost always apply to a wide span of situations. By I also offer 1 x 1 Coaching services as well for more personalized help.

  6. Sam

    October 2, 2018 at 12:51 am

    My ex and I broke up a little over a month ago, and it was pretty emotional and we were both crying and he said that he needs a break right now and that maybe in two months he’ll feel differently. I should have immediately started no contact, but instead, I nagged him and repeatedly texted and called him begging to get him back. Our last interaction was last Wednesday when he finally listened to my feelings after he got a letter of mine and he sent me a really sincere apology. However, after that, we got on the phone and a huge fight erupted, and he basically told me that we shouldn’t speak anymore. We unfollowed each other on social media so we have no way of checking up on each other through social media. We haven’t blocked each other on anything, but simply unfriended and followed on al social media platforms. I have employed the no contact rule since last Wednesday and set a day about 40 days after that I would try to reach out again. But, I am just unsure if it is even worth trying and if I made too many mistakes to ever get him back. I have taken the quiz and found I have a 74% chance to get him back, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes. But I feel like he’s going to ignore me when I reach out after no contact and that too much happened in the aftermath of the breakup for him to ever get over.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 2, 2018 at 4:04 am

      Hi Sam!

      Everybody makes mistakes Sam. What is best is having a sensible game plan so you have an idea of the strategy that might work best for you. Visit my home page as I have lots of resources there for you!

  7. K

    October 1, 2018 at 3:06 pm

    Hi,

    My ex and I broke up in last October. He broke up told me he still loved me but after his dad recently passing away.. school, work he just wasnt in the right state of mind to be a good boyfriend to me and it was unfair to me.. I have been through the whole process of no contact, texts, phone calls and dates. He has fear of commitment. He has been telling me that he is thinking about getting back together, that he still loves me so much .. but he is aware of his fear of commitment and is scared he would hurt me again for ex ..by distancing himself … and more
    For that reason, he said he needed time to think and make sure before officialising because he understand how much of a deal it would be to me. The thing is he was saying that he isnt sure he is ready still 3 days ago & today he asked me to get back together. I asked if he was saying that out of impulsion and he said I think it is the right thing to do and I dont want to keep wasting your time or lose you. It seems right now that I could ask him if he is sure 20 times and hed still say yes but I am still a little scared of the future (Im happy of course its what ive been wanting for so long but now that it is happening im scared he is saying that not because he is ready but just by fear of losing me) I know relationships are always a risk but how can I feel more reassured or prevent his commitment problems to get in the way of our relationship again. Is there any tips, ways to work on that effectively while being together?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      October 1, 2018 at 10:05 pm

      Hi K!

      So your ex has a lot going on in his head a break is probably a good thing so he can sort it all out and realize your value in his life. Now it seems he knows you value. So just ease back into the relationship. Treat it like you are both getting to know each other and dating, not spending all our time together in the early days. That way, you both don’t dive too deeply into the relationship and you can both get use to the feelings and both feel more secure this is the direction to go.

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