Well, I wanted to take a minute to thank Becky for calling in and asking that question and I think I have some really interesting advice for you Becky but first things first, like always, I’d like to do a quick recap of your situation.
Just to make sure that I have it internally and also in case anyone, maybe wasn’t listening or fell asleep while they were listening to this podcast.
Shame on you. We’ll have it. You broke up with your ex and he didn’t speak to you for about the first few weeks and then you sent him a letter and a few messages and he has received them but has since then been pretty neutral we would say.
And then two weeks ago you messaged him and either you–you didn’t specify but I’m assuming you either got a neutral response or no response at all. And you’re sitting here wondering if neutral messages is a good thing which I suppose lends credence to the fact that that message that you sent to him two weeks ago was a neutral response that you got back.
Now, you’ve since entered the no contact rule which congratulations on doing that. That is definitely the right move but one of the big smartest things you can do during the no contact rule is prepare for when you eventually do talk to your ex. And you’re pretty much wondering how to get a man engaged and how to keep a man interested in texts. So, there’s a lot to cover here. I guess I’ll just start by getting right to the meat and talking about neutral messages.
So, for those of you who don’t know, when you text an ex, there’s a couple possible outcomes that can occur. You can either text him and get a positive response where that’s something like you’re texting him some generic texts and he responds very positively, he could even compliment you and then you have things like neutral responses.
So, neutral responses are basically, he’s not engaging with you but he’s just giving you enough to get by. It’s sort of just the bare minimum. The other way to call this is it’s sort of just like the mediocre response.
The third type of response you can get is a negative response and negative responses, I don’t think I have to go too far out of my way explaining what these are. It’s pretty simple.
You text him and he says, “F off! I hate you!” Things like that. And then of course you have no response, you text him and you’re just talking to a wall. He doesn’t say anything back. He doesn’t text you back. He just ghosted you essentially. And I’m of the mind that–so, are neutral responses good? Yes and no. You can’t get anywhere and you’re not going to get him back certainly with neutral responses.
You have to get more positively responses than neutral responses but when you look at the grand scheme of having him actually contact you or talk to you, getting a neutral response is not the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world is actually getting no response. I would actually say no response is worse than negative responses.
Well, because with negative responses you can actually turn him on. He’s giving you something.
You can turn that negative responses on their head a little bit. You can do some sort of mental judo moves and if you really think about it, someone who’s going to get that angry at you still cares in their core in some way shape or form. Neutral responses on the other hand are–no responses on the other hand is death.
We do not want a no response.
Are neutral messages a good thing? Yes and no. I would say neutral are not great and they are not going to get you your ex back but it is better than a negative response and it is better than no response. So, neutral response is probably the easiest to shift into positive responses and essentially that’s what we’re talking about today.
How to turn a neutral man who’s not engaged with you in conversation to a text into someone who is engaged with you in conversation through text. So, there are really three things that I want to talk to you about today Becky.
So, the first thing is actually I cannot take credit for this. There’s a woman who actually for her protection, I’m not going to say her name. But she is a really amazing success story that we have on our private support group and she was kind enough to do an interview with me on this podcast which I have posted to the website.
In fact I don’t know the name on the top of my head but I will tell you what, I’m going to make a note to find in the show notes to find that woman specific success story but the gist of it is, she was a master at texting her ex. She had actually done something that I can’t believe that I had never personally thought of before.
She found a way to pair her text messages with her Facebook and Instagram post.
So, if you’re not savyy with social media, the way this works is if you were not talking to your ex a lot and you’re trying to remain directly in his life in some way shape or form, you can actually use social media to your advantage. And the woman here, what she did was actually really smart. She went and hired an internet marketing company.
Now, an internet marketing company, they’re specifically made for getting websites or social media profiles high in search rankings. So, she thought, what I maybe can do is, I want him, I want my profile on Facebook to be the first thing that he sees every single day when he logs onto Facebook. So, for $6, she went to this internet marketing company and hired them to basically get her a bunch of followers on Instagram or friends on Facebook or likes on Facebook or what have you.
Just basically get a lot of–I don’t know the perfect word on the top of my head but get a lot of buzz building around her profiles. And so anytime he would log onto Facebook she would be at the top of his news feed for example.
So, it’s this like subliminal messaging where she’s constantly at the top of the newsfeed and she also did something really smart in the fact that she would do really interesting things. She went in like a fun run. She took pictures with friends on a fun run.
She was being like super active. She was going out and having fun at clubs or parties or so. I don’t know. Fill the blanks. Figure out something interesting and she just posted it there. But essentially what this did, it had this really interesting effect on her ex.
He would log onto Facebook and he would see, “Wow! She’s doing all this really incredible things.That’s really interesting. That is not what I thought she would be doing after this break up. I thought she’d be in a corner crying herself to sleep every night.”
Well, it turns that he would actually be the one that would bring up these things to her in a text message conversations.
So, the way this works is pretty simple.
She would engage him in a text conversation and he would actually bring like, “Hey, I saw that you were like in the area or something and did a fun run.” It would get them some interesting topic to talk about.
But I also think that this strategy, this idea of pairing your text messages with Facebook, basically having Facebook is proof to back up what you’re saying can be a really a great way to get an ex engaged. So, let’s use the fun run thing as an example here.
Let’s say that you Becky, go on and do this 5k fun run right?
And you’re taking pictures and you look like you’re having a blast. Well, even if your ex doesn’t see it or he doesn’t bring it up to you directly, you can maybe bring it up to him directly and even point him towards Facebook in some indirect way so he has proof or you have proof to back it up and he can actually put a picture to the story you’re telling him. So, that’s the first tactic that I want to talk to you about today.
Basically text pairing, pairing your text messages with really interesting Facebook or Instagram or other social media post.
Now, the second thing that I want to talk to you about today is charting your messages.
This is really, really underrated but it’s something that I essentially think every person needs to do if they’re not doing already. So, what do I mean by charting your messages? Well, not a lot of people look at texting this way but texting an ex is sort of like an art form.
Sometimes what works for one particular ex where I’ll advice, “Hey, send your ex like a really cute video of your ex or something.”
Maybe that will work for one ex but maybe for another ex he hates videos and it doesn’t work for him. Honestly, no one’s ever gone to the finite detail of actually detailing, “Hey, this is what works for my ex. This is what doesn’t work with my ex.” They only way you can do that is charting your text messages one by one. So, the idea here is you sent your ex a text, you’re basically buying data. You’re essentially figuring out, “Okay, how did he respond to this text message? Was it neutral? Was it positive? Was it negative? Was it no response?” Generally speaking, you’ll find a pattern between neutral responding text messages.
They’re all going to be kind of boring or not engaging enough and then every once in a while, you may find that what you thought was a really great idea, your ex doesn’t necessarily think is a great idea. The only way to find this patterns is to actually chart your messages. If you chart messages, you can figure out, “My ex doesn’t like me sending video messages. My ex doesn’t like me sending text messages about myself. He only likes to talk about him.” Knowing this is really important in keeping him engaged.
So, just to recap so far, we’ve talked about sex pairing with social media basically using social media posts to back up your text messages. The second thing we’re talking about here is charting your text messages. I even want to take it a little step further. Chart your overall messages with basically who texted who versus the content of the text message versus how he’s responded to the text message but goes that further and even before you send the text, map out his potential responses.
A lot of times when I’m working with women through the Facebook lives or whatever that I do Monday, Wednesday and Friday through our private support group. I’ll ask them, “Hey, what was the text message you sent to him that didn’t get a response?” and often times it will be something that didn’t really garner a response or more specifically I’m thinking women are actually your question Becky where they’re really worried, “Hey, I only got a neutral response.” And then I’ll come to find out that they ask him a question that essentially you could answer with yes or no. So, if you map out your text, say, “Hey, isn’t the weather so great today?” Horrible text but just bear with me here. “Isn’t the weather so great today?” Essentially he’ll say, “Yeah, it is or no, it’s not.”
There’s not like a lot of room for him to expand this. So, when you’re actually mapping your text out you can actually make a lot of headway in making your texts seem more interesting if you map them out and map out his potential responses. So, the idea here is to crack the text where you’re limiting the neutral responses or the no responses. Now, let’s pivot and look into our third topic that I want to talk to you about today is topics that he will find interesting and the keyword there is him.
Topics that he finds interesting. Men love to talk about themselves. We love to have our ego stroked and we love to talk about ourselves. If you start texting us about the amazing shopping spree you went on or the amazing hair product that you just bought,we’re going to say, “Oh that’s nice.” And then just not give you the time of day.
Whereas if you are talking to us about this emotional hot point that you know for a fact we love and for me, if you know me, I am total nerdy Buffy the vampire slayer. Seriously, women on the private Facebook group, will even just mention it and I will go crazy and off on the tangent talking about it like I am kind of now. But the key with your ex to make your text messages interesting to him is find his hot point.
Find that one topic that he’s always going to open up to and try to craft a message around it. The other thing you can do is involve action phrases in your text message. So, an action phrase is essentially a pattern interrupt. A pattern interrupt is anything that you can say or do to get someone to snap to attention.
So, the example that I always like to give is let’s say that, you know, I’m at the bar with a bunch of friends and a bunch of friends asked me, “Hey Chris, could you go get us like a round of drinks?” And I say, since I’m a nice guy, “Yeah, sure, I’ll get you some round of drinks.” And so, as I’m waiting for the drinks to come, I noticed that the friends I was with come into this congregated circle and it’s almost like they’re excluding me from the circle.
So, I come back with the drinks and I’m saying, “Hey, what’s up guys?” but they’re ignoring me. Now, what do you think I could do to get their attention? Well, let’s say I put the drinks on the ground and I clap really loud. All of a sudden everyone stands to attention and looks right at me. You need to do that with your ex boyfriend. It’s called a pattern interrupt. You’re going to interrupt the pattern of what he expects. And a really great way of doing this is using an action phrase. So, an action phrase is, “Oh my god! You’re not going to believe what I just saw.” or, “I have a confession to make..”
Something that will snap him to attention. I will say, kind of disclaimer on that I have a confession to make text. It’s a little bit flawed because often times women will not have a great confession to make and can’t find a confession that’s positive because generally speaking when someone says, “Hey, I have confession to make..” they freak out thinking, “Oh my god, you cheated on me.” or something like that. So, the key here is to use an action phrase and pivot in to something that you know for a fact that he finds interesting.
Not you, but him. I cannot stress that enough. It’s a huge problem that I’m finding on our support group. So, many people think, “Oh wow. This is the most interesting topic in the world.” and they’ll say, “Chris, what do you think?” and I’ll say, “That’s interesting to you. That’s not interesting to him.” So, really texting him requires you-texting him and making him engaged and making him seem interested requires you to really know a lot about him, a lot about his likes and dislikes. You really have a distinct advantage if you’ve been with him for a longer amount of time.
So, let’s just recap before we end this quick episode. So, here are the three things that you can do essentially to make sure that you stay more engaged with your ex and for the record, you don’t have to use just this tactics with your ex.
If you’ve decided, “Hey screw my ex. I don’t want him. I want a new guy.” Well, you can use this on him too. Alright, so tactic number 1 is text pairing with Facebook or other social media outlets. Basically using your social media outlets or Facebook posts to spark conversation with your ex or even refer to them so you can kind of have a little extra oomph with your text. So, that’s the first tactic.
The second tactic is charting your text messages out. So, chart everything out so that you know what he likes, what kind of texts he likes. He may like picture meme, funny texts. He may hate them. He may like videos, he may hate them. This is important information to know because you could limit the neutral, negative or no responses that you’ll get going forward. And then finally, make sure that you’re only talking about topics that he’s going to find interesting, cannot stress that enough. He needs to find these topics interesting.
So, that is going to do it for this episode.
Hopefully that was a really fun, nice little, bite sized, action packed episode. If you haven’t already, I cannot stress this enough, we really, really would love to have you come to our iTunes page and subscribe to this podcast and if that’s too much of a commitment for you, no problem. Just leave an honest rating and review. Even if you want to curse me and say, “I hate you, Chris. You suck.” Leave the review. Though generally I hope you wouldn’t do that. Anyways, I am going to go now but I promise I’ll be back soon. You and me, we have another date.