You are incredibly smart.

No seriously…

The fact that you want to understand your ex boyfriend better says a lot about your character.

Abraham Lincoln once said,

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

In other words, when honest Abe met someone who he didn’t like he became determined to understand them better. He was willing to open his mind to seeing their differences and understanding what made them tick.

So, rather than being set in his “hate” he would actively try to do something constructive.

But I would argue that he wouldn’t just do that with the people that he didn’t like. I think an argument can be made that says that he did it with anyone who challenged him or who he couldn’t quite understand.

I feel that most people don’t have this view when it comes to their exes.

Most people are set in their hate.

I mean, how many times have you heard someone say,

“I never take anyone back..”

“There are more fish in the sea…”

“Once an ex… always an ex…”

But not you…

No, you are taking the Lincoln approach.

You want to understand your ex better. More particularly, you want to understand why he texts you randomly.

And I want to say that you definitely came to the right place.

Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we strive to understand the inner workings on what goes on in a mans mind.

(This is our proof (1) (2) )

How do we accomplish that?

Well, by utilizing our secret weapon, ME!

Now, that may sound arrogant since I am comparing myself to a secret weapon,

secret-weapon-1024x530

But the truth is that I am like your best guy friend who doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to your dating choices. I tell you exactly what is going on in your exes brain so you can finally get the answers you need to understand why the hell you are where you are.

Don’t believe me?

Screen-Shot-2016-05-17-at-12.33.23-PM

This is a comment I got on my Facebook Page where I was compared to a guy friend who takes you out on dates, makes you feel better and gives unbiased advice without any suspect motivations.

Hey, the people have spoken!

And that’s what I am going to do for you here.

I am going to give you unbiased advice, no strings attached.

…..

Except can you PLEASEEE buy my book?

No just kidding, just kidding.

Look, if you aren’t familiar with my website everything I write on here I have strove to make the best in the world and that means that when I am through creating this page it is going to be on that level.

But first in order for this page to make sense we are going to have to operate under an assumption.

What Is The Assumption?

The assumption that we are going to operate under is the fact that you and your ex boyfriend have been broken up and he is texting you at random times post breakup.

As far as you can tell there is no pattern to when he texts you.

And it’s driving you nuts because you want to understand what’s going on in his head.

Now, I will say that usually every post I write has some way of tying into getting an ex back but I am not going to do that this time. Can you use what I am about to teach you to get an ex back?

Certainly!

But it’s not about that.

It’s about understand what is going on in your ex boyfriends mind.

That’s it!

Plain and simple.

Ok, well now that we have that out of the way let’s take a look at some of the factors you are going to have to be looking at in order to understand what’s going on in your exes brain.

Factors You Need To Look At

wow

I have identified four main factors that you need to take into account to fully pin down why your ex boyfriend is randomly texting you.

Those factors are,

  1. When Is He Texting You?
  2. What Are The Texts Saying?
  3. How Did You End The Breakup?
  4. How Serious Was Your Relationship?

Now, I will explain why each of these factors is important in a moment but first I would like to explain what we are going to use them for. In a few sections I am going to start listing every legitimate reason that I have ever seen explain why a man will randomly text an ex girlfriend.

Some of these are covered in my book.

Some of these I have seen ex boyfriends use on ex girlfriends…

Some of these I have used myself…

And some of these are pretty much common sense…

Now, the obvious question you are having at this point is,

“How do the four factors above play into this?”

Simple, we are going to use those four factors to determine how likely a particular reason for a random text is happening in your situation.

For example, let’s say that reason “A” is happening because you and your ex had a very serious relationship. Well, then that might explain the underlying reason for why your ex boyfriend is randomly texting you.

Get it?

You: Yes!

Me: Good!

But this begs an interesting question.

What if, by using the factors above, you determine that your ex is randomly texting you for more than one reason.

Is that normal?

Absolutely!

Human beings are very complex creatures and sometimes there can be more than one motivation behind why they do things.

Ok, now that you have a good grasp at the why the four factors are important lets turn our attention to defining what I mean by them.

Factor One: When Is He Texting You?

Now, at first glance you may be sitting there wondering,

“Why does this even matter?”

But it’s actually really important.

It can mean an entirely different thing if your ex is texting you immediately after a breakup as opposed to a year later.

Get it?

Factor Two: What Are His Texts Saying?

This one I feel is actually pretty straightforward to understand.

A man who texts you something mean is going to have a different motivation as opposed to a man who texts you something positive or nice.

This is another factor that we can’t afford to throw out.

Factor Three: How Did You End The Breakup?

This is a data point that I personally feel is essential to understanding the motivation behind a random text message.

Let’s say that you cheated on your ex boyfriend. Well, that might be important to know when trying to dissect why he is sending those hurtful messages.

But I would also argue that it’s important to know if you ended your breakup mutually. Usually in those cases you can rule out any really bad hurt feelings (there will always be hurt feelings in any breakup) towards you.

Factor Four: How Serious Was The Relationship

The meaning behind a text message to someone you were engaged to is going to be very different as opposed to someone who you just dated for a while.

Understanding the seriousness of your relationship is one of those things that is going to be important for me to determine why he is texting you.

So, those are our four factors.

But if this is truly going to be the best page on random texts online I feel I need to add something a little extra.

The Added Bonus I Put In For You

One of my flaws as a human being is the fact that I feel extreme guilt for certain things.

For example, I felt extreme guilt for the fact that I was getting a lot of sleep when my daughter was born and my wife was not. So, I decided that I would stay up all night to take care of the baby so my wife could get some sleep.

I mean, they say happy wife, happy life, right?

Turns out that was a horrible idea as I didn’t get any work done online for a month.

And of course, that made me feel very guilty.

Here’s the point.

When I feel I am not pulling my weight I feel very guilty and that even extends down to small things like writing these posts for you.

So, yesterday I was sitting back and thinking about this post on random text messages and I thought to myself,

“Is this really the best I could do?”

And my answer, of course, made me feel guilty.

No…

I felt like I could do more for you.

What would really set this article over the top is if I included actual examples of what these texts look like.

Take a look at the section below this one.

There you will find a total of 6 different random texts that an ex boyfriend can send an ex girlfriend.

My initial plan was to just talk about these 6 different texting outcomes and explain the motivations for why an ex boyfriend would send them using the factors above.

HOWEVER, I think it would be awesome if on top of that I included examples of what each of them look like.

So, here is how I am going to structure things going forward,

outline-1024x589

As you can see I am going to first talk about the text type and give a brief introduction into what that random text is.

After that brief introduction is over I am going to move on and give 3 to 5 examples of what those random text messages look like. I feel this will prove to be educational for you to determine if your ex is sending you this type of a text message.

Of course, once I have finished doing that I am going to move on to talking about the motivations behind why an ex boyfriend would send you that particular text message.

And then finally, I am going to utilize the “four factors” I talked about above by diving into if you are receiving this random text message from your ex.

Get it?

Got it?

Good!

Let’s begin!

The Random Text Messages

I put a lot of thought into this and determined that it would be impossible for me to list every conceivable random text message that a man would send you after a breakup. I mean, if I were to do that then this page would literally have THOUSANDS of messages and you wouldn’t have the patience for reading this page anymore.

(Not to mention that I wouldn’t have the patience to write it.)

So instead, I decided to figure out what the most popular random text messages were.

The final count I ended up with was six. Here’s what they look like,

  1. The Test Message
  2. The Miss You Message
  3. The Check Up Message (Figuring Out Where You Went)
  4. The Booty Call Message
  5. The Brag About Himself Message
  6. The Boredom Message

(For more text messages check out “The Texting Bible.”)

So, let’s jump right to it.

The Test Message

test

Breakups tend to bring out the worst in people. Would you believe it if I told you that I once witnessed a woman screaming at her “soon to be ex” at the top of her lungs from her apartment as he screamed back at her from the street?

Seriously… I was taking the trash out and I happened to hear this sound.

It was this loud shrill sound and I thought to myself,

“What is that?”

So, after I threw the trash out I went for a little walk trying to figure out where the sound was coming from and that’s when I saw it.

A woman who was on the top floor of the apartment complex screaming down at a man. I didn’t want to linger around too much since the man was 10 feet in front of me screaming right back at his soon to be ex.

….

Actually, I remember I literally thought, man I wish I had a card I could give him.

You know, one that says “Chris Seiter: Ex Boyfriend Recovery.”

Something like this,

star wars card

Oh… Ahem…

That’s actually my other day job.

Shh… it’s a secret.

But hey, we are getting way off topic here. All I was trying to say is that breakups tend to bring out some bad sides of people. As a result, after a breakup a man may try to send a text message to gauge where you are at.

Think of it like a “test.”

It’s a way of determining if you are still lingering around on the dark side of the force or if you have maybe calmed down to be a jedi yet.

You Are Thinking- Man, he is really into these Star Wars analogies today

Let’s take a look at what a “test text message” will look like.

Examples Of Test Messages

test message 1

Yes, I realize that this is pretty basic but it’s entire existence serves as a way for one party to gauge where the other party is at. I mean, this is literally the equivalent of asking you if you are ok without actually asking it.

Your Ex: “Hey, how are you doing?”

You: ” I am still f*cking pi**ed at you…”

Your Ex Thinks: (Ok, she still needs more time.)

Let’s take a look at another example,

test message 2

To be honest this is a hybrid text message.

It wraps a test and an apology together. Now, you may find it weird that I used this as an example but this is something I see a lot from the men at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. They are trying to gauge if their exes are still angry at them. However, they also have a guilty conscious for something and can’t help but ask for forgiveness.

Let’s move on to another fine example of a test message,

test message 3

I am not going to lie to you.

This is the random type of text message that I can see myself sending to an ex.

Why?

Because it’s looked at as small talk but there is a different ulterior motivation behind it. You see, if I were to send this I would do so because I am trying to gauge my exes reaction. I would send it because it’s not looked at like a test. Instead, it’s looked at as small talk and based on how my ex were to respond to that small talk would dictate how I approach things going forward.

And trust me when I say that I am not the first man in the world to ever think this tactic up.

What Is An Exes Motivation To Send A “Test Message?”

This is the fun part.

This is where I feel Ex Boyfriend Recovery shines as opposed to the other websites out there. You see, we specialize in explaining the “why.”

Hmm… now that I think about it that’s probably why so many people are drawn to PRO. But I am getting off topic here.

I want you to understand what’s going on in your exes brain. You know how they say that knowledge is power?

Well, it’s true!

So, why would an ex boyfriend send you a message that is meant to gauge your reaction?

What is his motivation for doing so?

Well, there are two huge ones that immediately come to mind.

Motivation One: He Can’t Stand Someone Being Angry At Him

I feel this is a motivation I can really get behind because I am this person.

Let me give you an example.

The other day someone I work with snapped at me for being a little too demanding. It’s the first time anything like that has ever happened and it kind of shook me up.

“Why would they be mad at me? Aren’t I a god to them?”

Haha.. No, just kidding.

But it did shake me up and the entire day that’s the only thing I could think about. So, what I started doing is sending them tests to gauge their reaction. I wanted to make sure they were ok emotionally before I started sending them work to do.

It’s entirely possible that an ex boyfriend who sends you a test message to gauge your reaction is motivated by the fact that he can’t stand that you are looking at him in a lowly light. Don’t forget, I did a huge write up on an exes “god complex.” So, it’s not too far fetched for a man to want to retain his god complex if you do something that makes him think that he is no longer a god to you.

Motivation Two: He Wants To Be Sure You Are On Good Terms Before Continuing A Friendship Or Relationship

Let’s stay with the idea that an ex boyfriend who sends this random text message to you does so under the fact that he can’t stand you being angry at him.

There is still a lingering question that I haven’t answered yet?

Why?

Why is he so concerned with the fact that you may be angry at him?

What’s the underlying motivation for that?

I want you to take a moment to look at the graphic I put together for you below explaining his thought process,

his thought process

So, here is what happened.

Your ex boyfriend initially had this thought,

Before we try to be friends or start a relationship again I want to be sure that we are on good terms.

Of course, this lead him to have this thought,

Wait a minute… I don’t think I can stand the fact that anyone would be mad at me. It will just stress me out too much. What can I do to gauge how she is feeling about me without it seeming too obvious?

This is how men think.

They sometimes have levels beyond an initial thought.

Let’s move on and talk about our next random text message.

Is The “Test Message” Happening To You?

Oftentimes I see the “test message” happening to women women right after the breakup.

Timing is important here because that’s probably when an ex boyfriend is going to worry the most about what you are thinking of him and if you are mad at him.

Another important fact that needs to be taken into account is the seriousness of the relationship.

The more serious the relationship was the more likely a test message will be.

Why?

Simple, let’s say that a couple was engaged and a man is operating under the assumption that the woman is very into him. Well, after the breakup he may end up missing the feeling of “being the man” and may make an attempt to reclaim his former glory.

The “Miss You” Message

pig time

This one isn’t too revolutionary.

As a result, I am going to skip creating a long introduction leading up to the examples because it really isn’t necessary. Instead, I am going to combine the introduction of explaining what the “I miss you” text is with showing you examples.

Why?

Because I think showing you the examples of this text message alone will pretty much tell you what this text message is.

All this text message is, is when an ex boyfriend starts missing you and let’s you know about it,

miss you

Again, there is nothing too revolutionary going on here.

Of course, every once in a while you will get those exes who really, really, really miss you. When that happens you will see what I like to call the next level of an “I miss you” text,

miss you so much

Who knew two little words had so much power but they do.

Adding in that little “so much” is very insightful and it can tell us something about an exes mindset.

(Side Note: I cover a lot of the “I miss you messages” in The Texting Bible)

What Is An Exes Motivation For Sending You An “I Miss You” Text Message?

Excellent question.

I am not going to lie to you. I see this “I miss you” text from exes a lot when the no contact rule is being done to them.

And it’s not hard to dive in to the motivation behind why they would send this text message if they were being ignored.

I think the better question is why would an ex send this text message if you aren’t using the no contact rule on them?

Ah… in the words of the immortal joker,

now were talking

As I think about it the only thing that makes sense to me would be the grass is greener syndrome.

I have this theory.

When men date a woman they have this internal attraction scale.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.

….

….

….

You haven’t heard it before?

Alright!!!

Anyways, when a man dates a woman he rates a woman in a certain way on this scale and as long as that rating is high enough he will continue dating her.

Take a look below,

happy

(Forgive my poor drawing.)

But I am sure you get the gist.

The higher you rate on a man’s happiness scale the longer he will date you. However, if you begin to drop on his scale then he will break up with you or find a way to get out of the relationship.

That’s where the grass is greener syndrome comes into play.

Let’s pretend that when you were dating your ex boyfriend he had you rated as an 8,

happy copy

That’s a pretty solid rating.

But that’s also at the beginning of the relationship. As the relationship progressed things began to grow stale and nothing was done to keep things fresh.

Therefore, your very strong 8 rating dipped down and became a four…

happy copy

It’s at this point that your ex boyfriend becomes very unhappy and seeks out a breakup.

And that’s when something fascinating happens.

You see, breakups give people time to reflect and think about what they want and instead of mostly focusing on the horrible times that made him feel like a four he thinks back to those times that made him feel like an eight. He starts to feel like he may have made a mistake in breaking up with you and that’s when it happens.

He begins to miss you.

Of course, I want you to remember this “scale theory” as I am going to talk about it again a little bit later when I talk about the grass is greener syndrome.

Let’s move on.

Is The “Miss You” Message Happening To You

The main factors to consider here are,

  1. The Seriousness Of Your Previous Relationship
  2. What The Actual Message Says

The seriousness isn’t that hard to figure out. The more serious your previous relationship with your ex the more likely you are to receive an “I miss you” text.

But I find what the actual message says to be more fascinating.

As a general rule, the longer the “I miss you” the more he probably actually misses you.

For example, a man who sends you a basic “I miss you” text like this,

miss you

Isn’t going to miss you as much as a man who sends an “I miss you” text like this,

Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 11.53.34 AM

The “Check Up” Text Message

webmd

This is one of those messages that is very prevalent when you utilize the no contact rule (if you don’t know what the no contact rule is then I suggest you check out my bestselling book on it.)

So, let’s operate under the assumption that you are in the middle of a no contact rule where you have ignored your ex for a week straight.

Let’s also operate under the assumption that when you and your ex were dating you never went a day without texting so you ignoring him for a week is kind of a big deal from his perspective.

Since you have started the no contact rule he has reached out to you a total of three times and with each text you receive you can see him getting progressively angrier.

Eventually he is going to send a text where he bluntly asks where you went.

That’s the “check up” text message.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“How is this any different from the test message that you talked about above?”

Well, it’s actually very different because with the test text message he doesn’t bluntly ask why the hell you are ignoring him.

In fact, if you ignore enough test messages you will eventually get served a “check up” message.

But what does a “check up message” look like?

Examples Of “Check Up” Messages

One of two things will generally accompany a “check up” message.

  1. A slight hint of anger, confusion or concern
  2. A bold statement that you are ignoring him

“Check up” messages are the number one reason for why so many women fail at the no contact rule. A “check up” message is usually the first push back that you will get from an ex if you are ignoring him. It looks a little like this,

checkup one

Notice how in this text message your ex directly stated that you are ignoring him and then went on to lay on the angry guilt trip.

But that’s just the most direct way of having a check up.

Some exes will “fake concern” with this type of a text message,

concern

This is the ultimate guilt trip…

Concern!

Is your ex actually concerned about you?

On some level he probably is. However, he is probably more concerned with the fact that he is being ignored.

After all, I have stated multiple times that men hate to be ignored.

Anyways, let’s move on and talk about some of the reasons for why an ex would send you a text message like this?

What Is An Exes Motivation For Sending A “Check Up” Text Message

As I stated above, generally the reason for why an ex would send you a “check up” message is due to the fact that he doesn’t like being ignored.

However, I would like to aim a bit deeper and understand why he doesn’t like being ignored.

Common sense dictates that a man who doesn’t like being ignored by a woman still has feelings for the woman and while I certainly think a strong case can be made for that fact I would also say that those feelings aren’t generally enough for a man to do a 180 and want to get back together.

Look, all I can do here is bring my own experience with the “check up” message since I have actually been on the “sending end” of one.

A long time ago…

In a galaxy far far away…

chris star wars

Oh wait… did I actually say that out loud?

Ahem…

(Let me try this again)

When I was 21 years old I met a girl who I had a major crush on.

She was the type of girl who I saw myself with and as a result I tried really hard to get her to date me.

It didn’t work.

Eventually after a failed effort she stopped responding to my text messages and I felt powerless. You see, in my mind I was a god who women fawned over.

Case in point…

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 6.39.06 PM

But I wasn’t. I was just a normal human being and I didn’t like being reminded of it. As a result, I ended up sending one of the “check up” example messages above.

If I am being completely honest with you it’s all about control.

I felt that I had it when I thought that this particular girl had a crush on me. And when I learned that she didn’t I felt my control slipping away.

So, in my experience the “check up” messages occur when a man feels like he is losing control of the situation.

My findings on psychological reactance seem to back this up.

Human beings have a certain amount of set freedoms and when they feel that those freedoms are being taken away or threatened they usually react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

This was certainly the case when I was being ignored.

I lashed out because I felt my freedom to talk to another human being was being threatened.

I lashed out because I didn’t have the control anymore.

I lashed out because I couldn’t think of a more mature way to handle the situation.

Is The “Check Up” Message Happening To You?

The big factor you want to look at revolving around the “check up” message is the timing of it.

When was the “check up” message sent?

Generally speaking it’s sent after a period where you have ignored your ex for a good spell.

The “Booty Call” Message

late night

I have a question for you.

Is it presumptuous of an ex boyfriend to send you a booty call text message?

For those of you who don’t know: The booty call text message is a subtle way of a man trying to set up a situation where he can have sex with you… no strings attached.

So, is it presumptuous of him to try?

Let’s look at the statistics.

Recently the AP conducted a fascinating study on exes.

They basically polled 1,240 people and asked them a bunch of questions on exes.

Care to guess what one of the questions was?

“Have You Ever Had Sex With An Ex After A Breakup?”

Guess what percentage of people answered “yes?”

36 PERCENT!

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 6.56.41 PM

That’s a lot higher than I thought.

Turns out there are a lot of booty calls going on after a breakup.

But I still haven’t answered the question.

Is it presumptuous of an ex to want a booty call after a breakup?

Well, I suppose my answer to that question would depend on the individual.

The Definition Of Presumptuous States: A person failing to observe the limits of what is permitted or appropriate.

But what if your ex boyfriend falls into the 36% category where he has experienced a booty call with another ex? Maybe he thinks it’s the norm and doesn’t see the problem with asking an ex to have sex with him.

Some exes are like that.

Let’s move on.

Examples Of “Booty Call” Messages

Forget everything that Hollywood ever taught you about booty call messages.

Seriously, ex boyfriends are rarely as blunt as Hollywood makes them out to be.

How do I know this?

Well, I have a story for you.

Back when I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I would spend about 5 hours a day answering your questions and comments.

If I am totally honest with you it was a slog.

It took forever but that time spent in the trenches was valuable because I learned lessons like the one I am about to teach you.

There was a girl, let’s call her Ashton, who wanted her ex boyfriend back very, very badly.

Ashton: “I will do anything to get him back”

Me: “Whoa, slow down. The first thing you should probably work on doing is becoming self sufficient to where you aren’t so reliant on him.”

Ashton: “You are right but I just can’t imagine my life without him.”

This girl wanted her ex back so much.

There was just one problem.

Every time her ex would reach out to her they would have a nice little conversation that always led back to sex.

For example, Ashton would receive a series of texts like this,

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 7.13.06 PM

Ok, first off…

“The Backstreet Boys?”

Seriously?

Secondly, did you see how Ashton’s ex steered the conversation towards sex?

This seems to be the “go to” for ex boyfriends now-a-day’s when it comes to a booty call. They strike up a conversation, build some rapport and before you know it you are talking about sex with them.

So, how did things turn out for Ashton?

Not well…

She asked me one day why I thought that her ex kept bringing up sex and I said,

“Well, he probably wants to sleep with you.”

Upon hearing that she became very excited. You see, she took it that, that was a very good sign because men only want to sleep with women that they have feelings for.

…. sigh

I explained to her that, that wasn’t necessarily true and that I usually see this with men who want friends with benefits.

That’s when it happened.

After another sex filled talk with her ex he sent this message,

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 7.21.35 PM

There it is…. the booty call!

So, did Ashton go for it?

Yes she did.

Against my recommendation she ended up seeing her ex on that Friday and she ended up sleeping with him.

He didn’t commit and that was the last they ended up talking to each other after she realized that he was just using her for sex.

What Is An Exes Motivation For Sending A “Booty Call” Message?

Have you ever heard that theory that men think about sex 7,000 times a day?

Ya… that’s a complete lie.

So, don’t buy into it at all.

However, I will say that men think about sex a lot.

And I’m not the only one to think that.

Terri Fisher and her research team from Ohio State University decided that they would conduct an experiment on how often people thought about sex by giving them clickers,

clicker

Basically any time that a man or a woman thought about sex they were supposed to click the clicker. At the end of each day they were supposed to record how many times they thought about sex.

(Source)

It’s a pretty basic study, right?

So, what were the results?

Men = An Average Of 19 Sex Thoughts Per Day

Women = An Average Of 10 Sex Thoughts Per Day

So, this tells us that on average men think about sex more than women.

Not that I needed a study to tell me that.

But you are probably wondering how this ties into the booty call text messages.

Well, what’s the only thing better than thinking about sex?

Having it, right?

And sometimes when a man realizes that he isn’t going to have sex as frequently now that he is single (studies back this up) he begins to regret his decision or he tries to set up a friends with benefits situation.

Given the choice between having consistent sex in a committed relationship versus having consistent sex in an undefined relationship you’d be surprised how many men will jump on that friends with benefits train.

I once said that a man’s genetic hard wiring makes him want to do two things above all else,

  1. Survive
  2. Replicate

The only way the human race can continue to survive is if men continue to replicate or “mate.”

We are dealing with something primal here.

But here is the simple truth behind why you are getting a booty call text message.

Your ex boyfriend wants to have sex with you.

That’s it!

Is The “Booty Call” Message Happening To You?

This is another super easy one to determine.

The factor that you really want to look at is what he says in the text message. If it’s anything related to sex or is surrounded by a bunch of texts that have sexual connotations then you may have a “booty call” text message problem.

Again, I’m not quite sure I can dive in to expand on that more. It’s pretty straightforward.

The “Brag About Himself” Text Message

I have a story to tell you.

A few months after my breakup with my very first ex girlfriend she reached out to me. Her text wasn’t anything special,

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 5.24.14 PM

I guess she was just trying to open the lines of communication up.

But I didn’t react well to it. In fact, I was pretty nasty to her. I didn’t call her any names or anything like that but I was very standoffish.

I always regretted that.

But not for the reason you are thinking of.

Nope, and I realize this is going to make me sound like a total a**hole but I wish I had kind of bragged about how well I was doing without her.

It just so happens that, that is the next text message that we are going to be talking about.

Examples Of The “Brag About Himself” Message

This one is very easy to spot. In fact, I talk a lot about it in my book.

The “Brag About Himself” Message is generally accompanied by one thing.

A man bragging about himself.

Of course, sometimes the guys who are really slick won’t brag about themselves but they will brag about their possessions.

Take a look at this text message,

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 5.45.44 PM

The purpose behind this message is to clearly say,

“Look how great my life has been without you in it. I got a new car!!!”

Hmm… I am trying to think of a way that I can make this more interesting.

Ah, I know!

Let me think for a moment and I will think of an actual text I have sent to a girl before where I was bragging about myself.

OHHH I KNOW!

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 5.51.33 PM

This text was all about the bragging.

For the record, I actually did pitch a perfect game in high school and I ended up striking out every single batter. Our team won 20 – 0. Ya… I’m awesome!

Do you think you have a pretty good grasp of what the “brag about himself” text message looks like?

Yes?

Good!

Let’s move on and talk a bit about some of the reasons for why an ex would send this message to you.

The Motivation Behind Why An Ex Would Send The “Brag About Himself” Text Message

One of my favorite quotes ever is from Frank Sinatra,

The Best Revenge In Life Is Massive Success

I can’t help but think of that quote when I think of this text message. I think an ex would send this message as a way of saying “I am so much better without you.”

Maybe there is a revenge plot going on where he wants you to know that his time with you was horrible.

But that’s what everyone thinks on the surface. I want to peel back those layers and understand his underlying reason for even wanting revenge.

There are a couple of things that spring to mind here.

  • He Is Insecure About Himself
  • He Is Vindictive

I’ll tackle the insecurity first.

He Is Insecure About Himself

In high school I had a friend who was very insecure about his body.

He wasn’t bad looking.

Quite the contrary, he was good looking.

It’s just that he was skinny. So, when he turned 17 he decided that he was going to start lifting weights so he could gain some muscle mass. Anyways, fast forward a year and he actually had put on some muscle. There was just one problem.

He bragged about it all the time.

NONSTOP.

Even to the girls he had crushes on.

I remember one girl coming up to me and saying,

“Wow, he is so conceited.”

He really wasn’t. He just needed that extra confidence boost from bragging about himself since he always viewed himself as a skinny kid.

Maybe something like that is going on with your ex where he needs the confidence he gets from bragging about himself through text messages.

He Is Vindictive

This one is much more straightforward.

Your ex may want to make you suffer.

He may want to see you unhappy and the best way he can think of to do that without looking like a total a$$ is by bragging about himself in a way that makes it seem like his life is totally better without you. Sometimes you see this happening where he brags about dating other women.

If he does do that then you probably have a vindictive ex on your hands.

Is The “Brag About Himself” Text Message Happening To You

Two factors come into play here.

  1. What the message actually says
  2. How you ended things with him

Let’s tackle what the message says first. If you receive a text message where your ex is bragging about himself you are receiving a “brag about himself” text message.

But sometimes that’s not enough for people.

Sometimes they need more evidence.

Ok, next I want to point you towards how you ended things with your ex. If they ended very badly then in my mind that increases the chances that you will receive a “brag about himself” text message.

The “Boredom” Message

This may sound really weird but all I can think about when I think about this message is that funny scene from “How I Met Your Mother.”

If you aren’t familiar with the show then let me give you some quick background for what I am talking about.

There is a character named Barney Stinson who is being taught something by his friend, Ted Mosby in a classroom setting.

Barney, who looks very bored absorbing this lecture all of a sudden exclaims,

“I’M BORED..”

bored

How does that relate to the “boredom message.” Truthfully, I have no clue. It was just something funny that I wanted to share with you.

Anyways, thus far every single text message that I have talked about was calculating on your exes part. In other words, he sent that particular text message for that particular purpose.

But doesn’t it make sense that sometimes he can send a text message for no apparent reason other than boredom?

I can’t tell you how often I have done this to my wife.

I simply got bored and there was no one else to talk to so in order to fill the time I text her.

Hmm…

I am trying to think of the last time I did this to her.

AH!

I was waiting to have my car inspected and it took an hour. I texted her because I got bored.

And that kind of leads me to my next point.

Examples Of The “Boredom” Message

I think the more interesting aspect of the boredom message is understanding an exes motivation for sending it but I am going to talk about that in a second. For now, let’s see if we can identify what a boredom message looks like.

One of the most common mistakes that people make when trying to identify the boredom message is mistaking it with building rapport.

Sometimes building rapport and texting out of boredom can be eerily similar.

However, I have developed a method for determining if your ex is sending you a text out of sheer boredom.

Above, I gave an example of a time when I went to get my car inspected and it took an hour. As a result, I ended up texting my wife to kill time.

What do you think the first text I sent her looked like?

Let me clue you in,

Screen Shot 2016-05-30 at 12.50.48 PM

Essentially, I told her about a situation where I was probably going to be bored.

Therein lies our first clue at determining if an ex is texting you out of boredom.

If he tells you that he is in a situation where you think he is going to be bored then he is probably texting you to kill time.

Now, I personally don’t think this is that big of a deal. In fact, I think having an ex text you out of boredom may work to your advantage.

The Motivation Behind Sending A “Boredom” Message

Figuring out the motivation isn’t that hard.

Your ex is bored.

What’s more interesting is figuring out why he decides to text you when he is bored.

A lot of women get angered by the idea that he is texting them out of boredom.

But they shouldn’t.

In fact, I think it may be a good thing.

Think about the example I gave above of when I was sitting around waiting for my car to get inspected.

I was clearly bored so I texted my wife.

However, I wanted to text her because I knew she would make things less boring.

In fact, I knew that she would make things a lot more interesting.

That’s probably what your ex is trying to do with you. He has found himself in a very boring situation and is looking for you to make things more interesting. So, instead of looking at this like,

“He only texts me when he is bored…”

Look at it like,

“He is looking for me to make his boring day more interesting” because that’s exactly what’s happening.

It’s an opportunity to show off to him.

Don’t squander it!

Is The “Boredom” Message Happening To You?

A few factors to consider here.

  1. The timing of when he sends you the boredom message
  2. If he says he is bored
  3. How you ended your previous relationship

The timing isn’t hard to figure out. If he is texting you in a situation where you think he is bored then that raises the chances of you receiving a boredom text message. Also, another telling factor will be if he actually admits to you that he is bored like in some of the examples I gave above.

Finally, how you ended the relationship is an important factor to consider.

If things ended poorly then he probably won’t rely on you for a boredom text.

If they ended relatively normally then that raises your chances.

221 thoughts on “What Does It Mean When My Ex Randomly Texts Me?”

  1. Avatar

    Jillian

    June 18, 2019 at 2:58 am

    Hi,
    My ex and I recently broke up. We decided to be friends, but I told him that I needed some space before I could do that. Since telling him that, he keeps messaging me saying he misses me, begs me to message him, emailing me, liking my pics and posts on fb (he isn”t a huge fb user and never likes or comments on anything by anyone). I haven’t responded. He messaged me two nights ago, missing me. Again, I ignored it, but I noticed that he has been adding only girls on fb, and lots of them. Last night I messaged him saying “Stop messaging me, I don’t want to talk to you right now. Why don’t you message some of the girls you keep adding, and leave me alone.” He read the message, but didn’t respond. Then I woke up today and found that he had blocked me on fb and messenger.

    Just looking for some feedback or thoughts as to why he blocked me.

    Thank you
    Jillian

  2. Avatar

    Sam

    April 23, 2019 at 8:57 pm

    Hi!

    In some need of help. About two and half months ago my partner broke up with me, he was not planning to break up with me when he visited me that weekend (we were doing distance) , I know this for certain. We had a really amazing relationship, he truly adored me. Although we were distance, we saw each other every 2-3 weeks and often commented on how easy long distance had been for us. My job is extremely stressful, and I had become more emotional than normal towards the end. I think these heightened emotions (which often led me to lash out) coupled with him getting a little cocky/thinking grass is greener is what led to the break up. However, it was somewhat on impulse. He had distanced himself the week leading up to his last visit and when he came I basically forced him to say he felt a little weird. I think he was waiting to see how it was when he visited but as soon as he told me he felt a little distant from me, and had for the week, I suggested the break up out of feelings of hurt, explaining to him that I didn’t want to be with someone who was ever unsure of their feelings. Given the fact his ego had become a little inflated due to various factors at work and probably getting a bit of outside attention, he decided to go with it. I met up with him later that evening before he left my city to talk about things one more time. I wanted him to know the break up wasn’t coming from me so that it couldn’t be twisted in any way. That evening, before he flew out the following morning, we met up. It was horrible. I did not recognize the person sitting in front of me. He was extremely cold and explained that we just “weren’t compatible”. He said he still loved me and acknowledged that our intimacy, connection and times we had together were the best he had ever had (which I believe and know to be true). I think he had convinced himself in his head that this was best for him, and decided to stick with it. I believe his coldness was a defense mechanism. As I said, he had never treated me like that, ever, in our year long relationship. I did not exactly beg that evening, but I let him know that i was willing to work on my emotions for him and that it wasn’t what I wanted. He told me to call him if I was ever in his city and that he wouldn’t find it weird and we could still enjoy time together. Not really knowing what to do, and trying to seem as unbothered as possible, I told him that maybe we could remain friends. I also told him that I was starting to come around to the fact we weren’t compatible, and maybe we weren’t (this was a complete lie). We said goodbye that evening at the restaurant, he tried to hug me, but I felt uncomfortable and did not reciprocate.

    After that evening, I never contacted him again. In order to seem indifferent, I did not delete him from facebook but did on instagram (explaining to him that evening that I would). The break up was really hard for me. I felt so blind sighted, and it made me feel crazy, as if the year of my life I had just had with him was a lie. However, thinking the worst, and thinking he didn’t care at all and was over it already helped me heal faster. Fast forward 2 months and, out of the blue, I receive a text from him. He addressed me by a pet name he would use for me and claimed to genuinely care about how I was doing and wanting to check in. He stated in the text “I’m sure you don’t want to hear from me but I am going to anyways”, which really irritated me. I really wasn’t sure how to respond or if to respond. It seemed like a bs text. I have no doubt he wasn’t really “checking in” because of his concern for me, but was more probably wondering what I was up to. A check in 2 months after a break up seemed a little strange. Anyways, i did not want to give him power to hurt me in anyway again, so I decided to not respond. His check in also didn’t actually ask me any questions so wasn’t even sure how to respond…I also decided that if he was reaching out because he missed me or any other reason then he would need to do better than that.

    About a week and a half after the text , and lack of response from my side (3 days ago), I saw that he deleted me off of facebook. This really hurt. It seems unfair for him to do this when he was the one who broke up with me. I was very tempted to lash out but decided I had come too far to break over stupid social media. At the same time, I ultimately do want to reconnect, however, I want it to come from him. Do you think the contact and facebook are positive signs in terms of where he is at right now? Do you think ignoring the message was wise? I am upset because it feels as if our year relationship has been devalued to stupid games, but I didn’t feel that way until I saw the facebook deletion. I know it probably seems like I am analyzing something trivial, however, a deletion this far into the break up after I didn’t respond to his message seems pretty loaded. I would really appreciate any thoughts on this situation.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2019 at 11:04 pm

      Hi Sam….so sometimes the ex will do things to get attention….or to lash out…or both. I agree he is acting immaturely, but he may also be looking for a re-entry into the relationship or possible exploring you readiness levels. Or he could just be feeling lonely and has other things on his mind too. It hard to know. I don’t think you should look back and regret anything. Just keep moving forward. If you wish, you can send a test text to him…the kind that I recommend in my Program (the initial contact text)….assuming you are interested in revisiting the relationship.

  3. Avatar

    Sally

    April 19, 2019 at 1:56 pm

    Ok Heres my situation in summary. My ex and I dated for 1 month. During that month, he was the perfect boyfriend. We did activities that most people do in 6 months of dating. He was the one accelerating the relationship calling me his perfect woman and his dream girl then literally overnight he decides to end the relationship. I was blind sided and didnt see it coming. His excuse was I was better than him and he still needed to find him self as a man (36 years old by the way). He also said I had all the success he wanted and hated he wasnt there yet in his career. After the breakup, we kept in contact via phone for a month. After a month, he started asking me to hang out. We started hanging out for a few weeks then he asked to be in a relationship with me again. I was shocked again and asked him but what about all the excuses you gave for breaking up with me the first time. He said oh I was just testing you to see if you really liked me. I said you know I really liked you because we had excellent communication and my actions showed I liked you. He kept saying he could see me long term and having a future with me which he has always said. I told him I would be going out of town for the weekend and would make my decision after I got back. He said ok but proceeded to start acting like I had already said yes. He was calling me babe again and messaging me frequently. The last night of my trip, he messages me saying he changed his mind again and doesnt want to be in relationship with me. Once again, just the day before, he was acting like we were already in a relationship. I told him that there seems to be something wrong with him and I am cutting off communications with him for a while until he can get his mind right. We didnt speak for 3 weeks, then he messages me about getting his clothes and shoes back that he left at my house. I sent his stuff via the mail. Then he says a movie that he watched reminded him of me. Then a week later he asks me a random question about do I know where the best place in our city to go do a certain activity. Now hes a smart guy and he could of googled that on his own. What does this random question mean?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 19, 2019 at 8:53 pm

      HI Sally….I agree…he could have googled that info. So its likely he is testing how you might react, though with his flip flopping, its best to proceed slowly and stay true to your Plan…assuming you are implementing No Contact.

  4. Avatar

    Kristen

    April 19, 2019 at 8:49 am

    I had a 6-mo relationship with someone not forever-material. I sort of pushed him away and eventually, he left. I felt regret, tried to get him back but he felt I’d be too volatile.

    The last text I sent him was basically asking him again for a second chance. I told him he did not need to respond to the text.

    TWO DAYS LATER, late morning during work, I received a random text about an interesting tech piece they installed in his company lobby (it relates to my industry). We went back and forth a few times lightly, and then he stopped.

    Is this a guilt-text or a test-text? Could a man be such an idiot to think waiting two days after a breakup to “start a friendship” is a good idea? I know he wants to be on good terms. I’m sure he felt guilty for not responding to my pathetic text-plea for a second chance. He also has all the power. How could he not know that this move was terrible and confusing?

  5. Avatar

    Laurie

    March 28, 2019 at 9:32 pm

    The jist of my breakup is: My ex and I dated off and on for 2 years. We’d date for a 3 months he’d get in his head and break up. He’d date this stripper for a month and come back to me. I made him wait a year to prove he really wanted to be together. We dated for 7 months his family and I thought he was going to propose instead he pulled away and broke up with me. A month later he reached out to me for my birthday. We spent the whole day together and he had even got me a couple of things. He disappeared again for a month and a half. Reached out to me to “explain” and things went well for 2 weeks and he disappeared again and blocked me on Facebook. Turns out he went back to the stripper. His family at first was like she’s a rebound and stuff so I asked them not to bring him up if they wanted to remain friends. A week ago out of nowhere he text me asking why I went to see his parents (he knew a month ago that his parents and I had made plans). I text back nothing mean just “bye”. My friends say I’m a fool if I take him back. I flip flop on the idea of us getting back together. I don’t know what to do with him

  6. Avatar

    Elena

    January 3, 2019 at 3:12 pm

    Ok, sorry I am late for the party but never would I ever belive my ex (who emotionally destroyed me) will send me a text message.
    Referring to your article, it was a “test” message. He started with asking “how are you?” and then pretty quickly asked me to meet up the day after if I was free. I was reluctant and asked him why. He said he really wished to see me and talk to me. I said fine, let me know when. The next day he canceled saying that he had something that came up unexpectedy and couldn’t make it.

    The problem that I cannot find in your article is:
    1. He ended the relationship (very fast relationship of 3 months) and we never spoke ever since
    2. he texted me exactly 12 months after we last spoke.

    WHAT DOES HE WANT? WHAT DID HE WANT TO TELL ME? WAS HE JUST CURIOUS? WAS HE JUST BORED?

    thank you for your reply I am losing my mind here.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 3, 2019 at 11:15 pm

      Hi Elena!

      Some guys are just impulsive and put things out there to test the waters. Some guys play games. Some guys get scared that it won’t work out, and bail. Some are riddled with uncertainty.

  7. Avatar

    Bee

    December 12, 2018 at 6:32 pm

    I need advice because I’m about to CONFESS MY LOVE.
    My ex and I have been done for 4 years and we dated for 2. Our relationship was good and he ended it because of his depression. He needed to sort things out on his own. Since then we’ve gone months to years without speaking. We occasionally run into each other at concerts or bars and we live in a big city. However, during these 4 years we did hangout twice for almost 3 months each. Each time it was clear we were seeing where things took us. We were never back together.  First time we moved too fast (I ended it) and the second time we were scared and I was going out of the country for a few months. I wrote him postcards and messaged him but he ignored me after I left even though he said he would be there when I got back. l got the hint.
    A year and half goes and he messages (this September) on Instagram about my story. A week later he asks if we can meet. I agree and he apologies for ignoring me and hurting my feelings. He was getting attached and freaked out. He talked about how we would be engaged or married if he hadn’t taken the job that made him so unhappy. He talked about how good we are together and thinks about me often. I asked him what he wanted from this conversation or if he was just lonely. He said he wasn’t sure what he wanted, but he wasn’t lonely and in a good spot. We talked briefly and we saw each other 2 more times. I went to his new place where he still had my stuff. We both have dated other people and become better version of ourselves. This most recent time I played the “not too interested but willing to meet” card because I didn’t want to get my hopes up. I didn’t really share how I felt, but I was unsure what I felt because he always talks about not wanting to hurt me. I could tell he was sincere but distant because of my attitude. The last time I saw him I could tell he was strange and he said his friend was setting him up with a girl, but he had no interest. I shut myself off for the rest of the night. We haven’t spoken since. I know he’s been dating a girl for 2 months now and he has separated himself from his close friends (which is unlike him).
    Anyway, I’m 27 and I’m done waiting and thinking. I have and always will love the guy no matter what and I think we’ve been so scared to do anything because of timing. Maybe this timing isn’t great but I deserve to tell him as much as he deserves to know. The only thing is Idk if he will want to meet since he is dating someone. Would a letter be acceptable? Am I stupid? How can I tell him without overwhelming him. I can handle the rejection.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      December 13, 2018 at 12:39 am

      Hi Bee!

      A letter is fine if you want to put it out there to set the record straight. But you should look at the bigger picture of an ex recovery plan and I have material and resources all over my site to help with that!

  8. Avatar

    Júnior baldi

    November 8, 2018 at 1:05 am

    So he broke up, and during the last 9 months keeps sending stupid messages with no content at all, like sending you memes, or vídeos about politics or random photos, like regularly, like once a week, or every 15, 20 days. What does It mean? He said there was no chemistry between you. Oh, and everytime you answer the messages, he never replies. What is that??? I aplied NC rule, but he kept reaching me, and I responded him. He typed on Snapchat many times, but never sentença anything written, only dull pictures. On my birthday he typed something, but did not send. And many Other times he sends me messages meaning nothing. And I really dont know How to move on, we broke up on 03/12/2018, and 20 days after he started sending messages, including this one with a song the we heard together, and then he listened to It, recorded and sent me, asking If i was Alive and telling me he thought about me when he heard It. Recently, the last time i recieved a message of him, on 09/22/18, he sent me a photo, with a paper telling me he passed the Bar examination, we are lawyers. And after that, I excluded my profiles on social média, because i dont want to bem reached by a person that Tells me that doesnt want me, but never Let me forget him. I dont feel he wants me, i think he os playing with me. Help.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 8, 2018 at 2:58 am

      Hi there…..could be some game playing. Probably best to revisit NC. Take a look at me eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” to come up to speed.

  9. Avatar

    Kara

    November 6, 2018 at 9:50 pm

    We’ve been broken up for 2.5 years. Texts me about something my dad was interested in way back like 4 years ago. Wtf?? Is this guy ever going to go away?? The relationship did not end on good terms. He creeps me out. One of those, what the hell was I thinking relationships. Ugh.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 6, 2018 at 10:22 pm

      Hi Kara!

      Sorry you are dealing with that. Some guys never give up. They get obsessed. If it bothers you, you can block him if it happens again.

  10. Avatar

    Bea

    March 7, 2018 at 11:58 pm

    My ex texted after weeks of no contact but I honestly don’t know which category it belongs since it was just him saying “Bea it’s me John”. Apparently, he changed his number and informed me. I didn’t reply because I don’t understand the motive behind it.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 11, 2018 at 9:04 am

      Hi Bea,

      That’s good..if you’re in nc, you shouldn’t reply..

  11. Avatar

    Rose

    February 23, 2018 at 9:17 am

    When my boyfriend and I were together we told each other we were each others one, we were perfect the whole time we were together then one day he tells me, “I’m with you but at the same time I’m not, my mind, body, and soul aren’t in the same boat”. I told him that it was just a phase and that he felt that way cuz he was stressed from school. He said okay and I decided to forget about it, it would blow over once he sees me. When we video chatted he said he didn’t really feel the problem anymore and we were okay for the next 2 days then he felt the problem again. He stopped talking to me for a few days and then he texted me and broke up with me. He had been feeling that way for a week and a half when he broke up with me. He said I deserved someone better than him and that I’m better off without him. I told him all the reasons he was feeling that way then he said he needed time alone. I gave him that time, no contact. After 3 days, he missed me. I still tried the no contact rule and then he wrote me a love poem and sent it to me, he also called me a bunch of times. I decided to answer him a week later and he acted just the way he did when we were together. The next day he told me I’m better off without him and he wants to be friends. I tried to find out what was wrong but he blocked my number. I waited 2 days then I called him again using *67 and he answered me, I asked him why he blocked me and he said because I’m better off without him, I asked him why and he said he didn’t feel the same way anymore, I asked him why and he said he realized all the things he had done to me, I asked him what has he done to me and he said he keeps being back and forth with me and that it’s not fair for me to be with him when he’s not going to be able to give me what I deserve. He said he felt guilty and that he didn’t want that for us i asked him why one last time and he stayed silent for awhile then gave me a stupid reason saying he didn’t let me focus in school. 3 days later he called me and told me how he really missed me and that he’s been thinking about me and asked me if I was happy without him and told me when he wrote that love poem he was really missing me and we talked for awhile and at the end of the conversation he told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say, so I told him I loved him back and we said goodnight. We didn’t talk for 4 days and yesterday he called me and told me he missed me and asked me if I thought he was a bad person, I told him no but I know he means well then he asks me if I would be his friend through anything and I told him idk. We talked for awhile, he treated me like a friend then we said goodnight. I stayed on the phone until he fell asleep. I hung up and texted him saying how our night talk reminded me of a time we had together. The next day he texted me and has been texting me. He’s even asked me if he can come see me. I told him okay and now I have to set up a date he can actually come. I want him back so bad, what do I do now to ensure he’ll think twice about the breakup?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 27, 2018 at 9:55 am

      Hi Rose,
      do you want to try the nc rule?

  12. Avatar

    Rose

    February 23, 2018 at 12:45 am

    When my boyfriend and I were together we told each other we were each others one, we were perfect the whole time we were together then one day he tells me, “I’m with you but at the same time I’m not, my mind, body, and soul aren’t in the same boat”. I told him that it was just a phase and that he felt that way cuz he was stressed from school. He said okay and I decided to forget about it, it would blow over once he sees me. When we video chatted he said he didn’t really feel the problem anymore and we were okay for the next 2 days then he felt the problem again. He stopped talking to me for a few days and he texted me and broke up with me. He had been feeling that way for a week and a half when he broke up with me. He said I deserved someone better than him and that I’m better off without him. I told him all the reasons he was feeling that way then he said he needed time alone. I gave him that time, no contact. After 3 days, he missed me. I still tried the no contact rule and then he wrote me a love poem and sent it to me, he also called me a bunch of times. I decided to answer him a week later and he acted just the way he did when we were together. The next day he told me I’m better off without him and he wants to be friends. I tried to find out what was wrong but he blocked my number. I waited 2 days then I called him again using *67 and he answered me, I asked him why he blocked me and he said because I’m better off without him, I asked him why and he said he didn’t feel the same way anymore, I asked him why and he said he realized all the things he had done to me, I asked him what has he done to me and he said he keeps being back and forth with me and that it’s not fair for me to be with him when he’s not going to be able to give me what I deserve. He said he felt guilty and that he didn’t want that for us i asked him why one last time and he stayed silent for awhile then gave me a stupid reason saying he didn’t let me focus in school. 3 days later he called me and told me how he really missed me and that he’s been thinking about me and asked me if I was happy without him and told me when he wrote that love poem he was really missing me and we talked for awhile and at the end of the conversation he told me he loved me. I didn’t know what to say, so I told him I loved him back and we said goodnight. We didn’t talk for 4 days and yesterday he called me and told me he missed me and asked me if I thought he was a bad person, I told him no but I know he means well then he asks me if I would be his friend through anything and I told him idk. We talked for awhile, he treated me like a friend then we said goodnight. I stayed on the phone until he fell asleep. I hung up and texted him about how that night reminded me of a time we had together. The next day he texted me and has been texting me. He’s even asked me if he can come see me. I told him okay and now I have to set up a date he can actually come. I want him back so bad, what do I do now to ensure he’ll think twice about the breakup?

  13. Avatar

    Alias

    February 16, 2018 at 7:01 am

    7. She’s truly over it and just wishes you well.
    I texted an ex today just to wish him good luck on a big job interview he has, it wasn’t premeditated but totally thoughtless as I was with someone he knows at the time and he’d just called them. We haven’t spoken in about a year and a half (altho ran into each other a few times and he acted angry so I acted like he wasn’t there). But at this point, i’m no longer mad, I’m no longer sad, I’m no longer anything. I’m totally over all of it and just as another human being, I genuinely hope he has success that he’s worked hard for. I don’t care if I get a reply, i don’t want it to lead to anything, it just meant what it said. Sometimes there are no hidden meanings.

  14. Avatar

    Sun

    January 30, 2018 at 2:38 pm

    Hi, i really need some help. So i am 22 year old female and my ex is 23, we both were engaded. We started dating almost 7 years ago, but our relashionship wasn’t very good about two years, because my ex wanted some attention, but I was working to make our future better, because we planed a lot for the future, I was stressed and didn’t want anything just to rest, I was sad and I talked about it with my ex. By the way we were waiting till marriage but we still did some things together. We planned our wedding this year because this year Im finishing college. So I’ve asked him that past year because he complained about lack of intimacy, if he want to do this now and not wait because I was ready whenever he is ready, he told me that it is okay for us to wait. But things started get more serious but I didn’t saw that I thought that we have a beautiful friendship together. One day we were on a event and he told about some girl (a friend), he bought her a ticket, i was jealous at some point and scared that she will take him from me and use him, spend his money etc. I told him that but he told it’s okay and it is just a friend. So we planned what we going to do at that event and we didn’t because he was with his friends, I was feeling bad so I told him to come to me because he was in another place, but he told me to search for him because he dont knows where am I. So the girl was all that time with them. We ended up at his parents home, alone, fighting ..I screamed at him like I never was before I took my ring off and throw it at him telling him the words im now guilty for..I don’t want to be with you anymore, it’s over between us..he wanted me to be calm and did nothing, at some point I saw that he giving up at me…next day I wanted to talk with him but he was playing games with friends online so I left and gone to my parents house. He asked me if I am mad but i wasn’t I simply didnt told him that but I was chating online with him like I always used to..but then we didn’t chat next 3 days I was scared..why he is not reacting at me I ended up going to his house and wanted to apologise and to talk about it and get back like we used to. I saw a cold face but when I cried I saw him crying, maybe because I know that he told me, he don’t want to lose me, that I am his one and only women and he was hurt about the ring and everything that have happened for that past year, for me always going to work and study not being with him, but I got to admit…somethimes I felt the same way as he was playing with guys. He told me that he wanted a break but we still could chat and call each other, because he want to have time to be alone and with his friends, do what he didn’t do, have fun, drink. We told each other that there will no be a third person or dates with someone else, we had to be honest.
    One day I saw he bought tickets to cinema (we had the same history), I’ve asked him what is that and he told me he was just looking and he didn’t bought anything, the same day I was with my bestie at that place to hang out and I saw him with another girl, I saw it was a date, he seemed to be happy, my heart dropped, i didnt felt anything but pain and questions-why..
    He called me that day I ve asked him what he was doing ge told me he was at cinema alone, he cried told how he was feeling bad about situation.
    One day he was cold next day he was hot. Our break ended and he were on a date 26 of december, we talked we thought what to do now, he told me he want to not get back together but start things over to look where it will lead us, we tried. And we had 3 dates, everytime it was getting better, we started to chat as we used to in relashionship, he told me that he want to marry he want to be with him but he dont want to get hurt again, he told me he is scared of that honeymoon period and then again it will be the same, I told him It will be better. Every meet I showed him that Im not for my comfort of getting him back, im not for the money …I paid for myself, we had something flirts and everything, but he didnt want to hug me normally and when I was talking he was sitting on a phone smilling but he said it was just bussines stuff, but I had a problem with that I told him, I told him that I saw him at cinema with someone, he acted like im stalking him. He didnt liked my jealousy because everytime he was saying you can call me as he could it too, I was calling him a lot because he didnt answer, he always answered for one sec and hung up i was hearing another girl all the time. He told me he is always going alone and he going in to places he never was with me because he wanted so much but im not. So 12 of January that was the last day we were chating very well, because he was writing me first, he was writing me he want to be with me(me too), he wrote hearts emojis etc. He even told me that January it will be his vacation so he want to go with me on a trip but he was having that deppresion, suicide thoughts..another day he was cold didnt reply me anything, said he miss me and feel alone, I was asking him to meet he told me okay but we didnt, even when the week past I couldnt call him because he was unavaiable probably he blocked me even I didnt call him this days, he bocked my parents too, I was at coffee shop I wanted to meet so I wrote him that I will be there waiting (i wrote him on facebook) he replied 1 hour after he will call me but 1 hour later no calls i told him I can meet him whenever he wants, by his house if he wants to, he called me and told me that he dont want to meet and he is already (he thinks) dating another girl (few weeks as I know). My heart was breaking, he told me that I would get home and then we will talk more. So I did, and he was so mad at me at everything what was in the past, how he feels psychologically, that it is all my fault and he likes that other girl who he thinks will love him more than i did, he didnt want to talk to me, he was like a child, laughing at everything and being mad, i cried. We didnt chat 3 days so i wrote him if he thought of everything what we had and I remember he told me that we will never give up (I didnt), but he replied he want me to go my way and he want to go his way because he feels happy, and that the grass is greener everywhere. He told that a girl he is dating gave him more attention for a few days than i gave for that past year, i told him that i can be my better version he said he want to trust me but he doesn’t think it is great idea and that his love is dead, but feeling and good memories come but they only last for few seconds, mostly he remembers just bad memories and always telling me ”you know what people told me what to do” so i think that maybe new people he is talking maybe they told him and he trusted them but not me… What is the worst and kicked my confidence is that i always was listening and understanding his problems but now he told me that the girl is listening to him and he calls her everyday and he feels better because he understands him.
    Can love dissapear that quickly? Because we broke on December 2 so now it is almost 2 months past after breakup and it all happened by this months.. Is a break means breakup and dates, because i was loyal. What is interesting is that when we where dating and tried to build everything he was dating or thinking about new relashionship. He met that girl on tinder and he is happy the way it is..but i know he is not because he told me that people dont understand him tell him his situation of breakup is nothing that he have to do that way or he tells me that he will not tell anyone his feeling he will pretend that he feels good it was a week before his cold responds. He told me that he wants to focus on his career and building his new relashionship so it is serious? Im scared because I want him back! Is it a rebound? Even if he is dating he writes me ”miss you”, or wants to chat all the time, friendly and replies very quickly but in some other day he will get cold again and not reply to me and it hurts because i dont know how to get back with him, what he is planning, what his motives are, is he tries to be a friend with me or it is like texting because he is bored or because he still has feelings and scared to let me go? I have lack of energy and because of that situation. He wrote me yeasterday that he is listening people problems and thinks that maybe his life should be like this because he dont knows what he should do and for whom he have to live for..but deep down in my heart i feel like that person wants to get back to and want to live together with me so tell me what can I do to get my ex fiance back if he is on a rebound (he dont post anything about it on social media)..
    Thank you.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 31, 2018 at 5:23 pm

      HI Sun,

      have you done a full 30 days nc?

  15. Avatar

    Genevieve

    January 25, 2018 at 3:14 am

    I received a random text from my ex today.
    He and I were together for 2 1/2 years, and he broke up with me 2 1/2 months ago but wanted us to be friendly. He and I haven’t spoken for a month and a half, but a week ago I got my first news of him when I received a notification that he created an Instagram, my favorite app but something he used to always say was ridiculous and vowed to never get. He even followed my best friend whom he only met twice, but not me. I decided not to follow him unless he followed me first. Now today, I got my first FB message from him since our breakup, but I’m confused about it. He sent me an article about my university (he goes to a rivaling school) filing a lawsuit for 8.5 million, and then messaged “haha oh shit.” It’s so random, and the article came from my university’s newspaper which I don’t get why he was reading it. But I’m wondering what kind of message this is. I don’t know if he was trying to get me to talk to him, but I didn’t respond because I wasn’t sure how to. He knows I read it though since it was an FB message.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 25, 2018 at 9:17 pm

      Yeah, it looks like he is trying to initiate a conversation.

  16. Avatar

    Mary

    January 23, 2018 at 2:35 am

    Hi.

    My Ex is so confusing. We have been broken up for two years now…and still have feelings for each other. He started dating a girl 5 months after we broke up and they are still together to this day. We have kept in contact with each other and he used to text me goodnight every night until about 2 months ago. He says he doesn’t love her and doesn’t ever like saying it to her but that he needs to play the part. She doesn’t know about me…he has my texts blocked when they are together. He only texts me after she leaves his place which gets to be pretty late at night. I know he cares about me, but to me now they are just words. He doesn’t answer my texts in a timely manner and doesn’t ever acknowledge my emails and I got tired of it. Tired of him not caring about my feelings and always putting her feelings first. He says he has never felt love so deep before like ours and now he’s stuck in this relationship. He says he can’t end it, because to her everything is going great and he doesn’t want to hurt her. He keeps saying he isn’t happy with her and that I’m still all he wants. Is he just playing with my feelings? I started the No Contact this month and am about 16 days into it. I didn’t tell him I wasn’t going to not contact him…just out of the blue I stopped answering his texts…he’s only text me twice since the NC. Back to back days with just a text saying “hi” and the next “hi?” It wasn’t his usual goodnight texts or texts asking about my day. I guess I don’t know what he’s thinking. I am so tempted to call him now that he’s not texting me anymore. If I keep up this NC is he just going to go on a be happy with her?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 24, 2018 at 11:26 am

      Hi Mary,

      They’re together for almost two years now? If yes, then he’s just using you in some way.

  17. Avatar

    Jenn

    September 27, 2017 at 1:57 am

    My story is a little different because this is our second time breaking up. we dated for three years the first time for about a year. Within a month he was in a relationship (though he say, for all I know he was with her while we were together) but anyway. He was in a relationship within a month and about 2 months he was engaged. But during this whole time he was texting me but I ignored….I actually did this for about 4-5 months before I had a conversation with him…(he called numerous times for my birthday. But as he was engaged I asked him to leave me along, go be with his girl, but he ignored it =, so I actually moved, changed jobs and everything but he chased me and found me (all while still with her). Again I asked him to continue on there, if it’s meant it will happened because I didnt want to be a part of that. Even though I moved to a new town and got a new job, he found me (just so happen, his job relocated just around the corner from where I live…. what a coincidence, huh?) Within 10 months of this, his mother died and of course , I called to give my condolences and he started to come around and I comfort him during this time and next thing I know he said that he had called off the wedding and was single. He say that he still wanted me but didn’t want to feel like he was in a relationship though. I still told him to just go do whatever he needed to do but I didn’t want to be apart of that. so he made it as if he wanted the relationship but we will take it slow (i agreed because there were kids involved…his)…I told him that I didn’t want to see the kids yet because he went from me, to her (engaged) then back to me…I didn’t want to do it to them or me, unless we were sure we were going to be together. It’s been 10 months, during this time he brought the kids around twice (surprising me). But long story short, just a week after the second time he brought them around, he decides to tell me that he didn’t want to feel like he was in the relationship. But back up first to explain why he said that…just a week before he was home with his kids for the weekend but then Sunday he was going back to work and he called on his way to work, I told him that I didn’t cook….he got upset that I didn’t stop what I was doing to cook for him (but there have been times I didn’t cook and he went to get us dinner or told me to come to job to get money to get dinner. But this time was different, he was really upset that I didn’t cook. Then the next week, he tells me he was on vacation (didn’t tell me ahead of time, so I questioned him about this…this is when he say that he didn’t want to feel like he was in a relationship and that he wasn’t ready…..so while on his vacation, I didn’t hear from him or see him for about two weeks but then when he went back to work, he decided to send these random texts, trying to be funny I believe and also see how I would response ..these text read: “where’s dinner at”, or “I’m hungry, bring me a plate” or “You’re not cooking for me anymore”. Then there was “love u always….miss u too” and the latest one is “hope ur ok and safe”…oh, i forgot about “did you change the locks need to stop by your crib before work” . What’s the point in these text?..he still haven’t called or asked me how I was doing or anything, just simple text. Honestly, I don’t know if there is anyone else because the first time, it caught me off guard that he was in a relationship so quickly, so if there’s one now. But I’m not understanding what he’s doing or trying to do.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 28, 2017 at 9:32 pm

      Hi Jenn,

      he’s not going to commit unless you really don’t give him anything if he doesn’t. It looks like he just said to take things slow so he can still get what he wanted.. he just rephrased it. You have to impose your standards. It’s either you walk away from him or he commit and invest in the relationship first before you do.

  18. Avatar

    Til

    September 25, 2017 at 4:29 pm

    Hi,

    This is my situation. I was with a guy in a logdistance relationship ( different countries).We used to meet every 2 months. And it was pretty intense and I never had that conection with anyone. We were together for 9-10 months.The last 4 months were a nightmare in terms of comunication.We couldn’ reach each other. I lost my patience and I suggested to stop a few times. Things went worse and finally in July we broke up, in a really bad way,everything on whatsapp. We always said we need to talk about this on the phone.I was waiting for it. He also gave me hopes like sending me pics in between…Then when we had the conversation basically he was the one who talk and he told me he didn’t want to be in those places anymore.And he didn’t want to come back. I was by then totally in love again and I though we could fix it cause we were beyond that.I also thought about moving to his country.
    That made me feel so bad.I felt terrible for 2 weeks but I didn’t text him or anything.
    So after two weeks he texted me with all his rage that he was so angry at me etc
    He thinks it is all my fault, he did everything for things to work.It is true that I did bad some things and I asked him sorry about it, with my full heart.I told him I would like to make him feel better an so i would feel better myself also.
    But never again a conversation on the phone, he avoid it.I don’t know why, I suggested many times.
    Then he told me he stills thinks of me a lot and he sleeps with a thing I bought him.
    Then from time to time I have a message (not loving) just about things that made him feel bad in the past.I told him to talk all the way, not by drops.
    He knows already that I love him and I would like to be with him again and he doesn’t want to be with me but I don’t know why on earth he is taxting me every 4 days, with not useful things.
    Today we had a conversation (written of course) and he told me he doesn’t want to forget me etc.I asked him if he feels love still for me and he replied with a: ‘I feel love for some things and for others I don’t’ which is a non clear answer, the question is so clear.
    I have the feeling he doesn’t want to be with me but for some reason he doesn’t let me to move on.
    I don’t know if I did enough already, but I told him my feelings and he has information in order to wether he wanted to be together he could.
    But why is he doing this? I know you cannot be in his head but what should I do?
    Sometimes I think he is not the same person by the way he adress to me and the things he tell me. Today it was really disgusting that reply.
    And I feel stupid cause I still love him!
    HELP

    Thank u!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 27, 2017 at 9:03 pm

  19. Avatar

    Mae

    June 30, 2017 at 7:17 pm

    I dated a guy 5 years ago (pretty serious, talked about marriage) who did not like or have much to do with technology. Think Gibbs from NCIS being more technologically inclined. Anyway, I log onto my Facebook and see that I have a message from him, checked the profile before I read the message to make sure it was him but the profile had just been created (he did not use FB when we were together so it makes sense). Open the message and it says that he misses me, wanted to talk, had his number, asked me to text or call him and said that he hoped to hear from me. My question is why now? Why 5 years later? And for someone who did not know how to even use a computer that would have taken a long time to not only get on FB, but to find me and post a message? I am also married now with pictures of my husband, new daughter and I all over my page. What was he thinking?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2017 at 5:17 pm

      Can’t say why exactly, but it would be better to just ask why and if you can help him something..let your husband know..just dont put malice in his intentions for now.. But of course, for me, if it’s really an emergency, he would have said it.. If it were me, I’ll just ask if he messaged me for something I can help with. If he replies just being friendly, I’d stopped talking. Because I don’t make friends with exes, especially if I’m married.. I’m only friendly if the circumstance calls for it, like being co workers or co parents

  20. Avatar

    Confused Andy

    May 23, 2017 at 9:36 pm

    I broke up with my boyfriend because he had become cold and distant, I felt he was keeping his options his options open and did not want a committed relationship. I did de NC for like 28 days before I saw him on a dating application, during this time he didn’t contact me at all. So I texted him and I asked him what he wanted that I was ok with either decision he made. I told him I wanted a committed relationship that if he wanted that I was there but if he didn’t want that it was better for us continue our separate ways.
    We talked for 2 hours and at the end he told me he missed me that he wanted to change certain things in the relationship but not all of them (the ones that generated the breakup). After that conversation he has been sending me random messages every other day saying hi there is a kiss for you (emoji), I just answer without showing any emotions like thanks or kisses to you too. He is being doing that for the last three weeks, last time he disappeared for a whole week and just appeared saying hi I’m sending you kisses, the ones that we like (in present). I said thanks. Then he said you don’t have to thank me, is not a favour. I answered kisses to you too but I prefer the real ones.
    I don’t know if he is keeping me in the back burner and he is seeing other people Is he playing mind games? I don’t know how to answer his texts, or how long this is going to take, I don’t know what he wants. I’m not contacting him I just answer his texts. What should I do? What should I answer? I’m very frustrated.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 25, 2017 at 4:51 pm

      You didnt do the nc process the right way.. ALthough, I understand you asked that after the nc because you were the one that broke up with him.. but then I think you should have restarted nc, after you got rejected. He might not have said it straight, but not changing the reasons you broke up with him is like saying, either you lower your standards or walk away..And because you didn’t walk away, you’re conveying that you’re still waiting for him to change when he clearly said he wouldn’t do that.

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