By Chris Seiter

Updated on June 10th, 2021

You are incredibly smart.

No seriously…

The fact that you want to understand your ex boyfriend better says a lot about your character.

Abraham Lincoln once said,

“I don’t like that man. I must get to know him better.”

In other words, when honest Abe met someone who he didn’t like he became determined to understand them better. He was willing to open his mind to seeing their differences and understanding what made them tick.

So, rather than being set in his “hate” he would actively try to do something constructive.

But I would argue that he wouldn’t just do that with the people that he didn’t like. I think an argument can be made that says that he did it with anyone who challenged him or who he couldn’t quite understand.

I feel that most people don’t have this view when it comes to their exes.

Most people are set in their hate.

I mean, how many times have you heard someone say,

“I never take anyone back..”

“There are more fish in the sea…”

“Once an ex… always an ex…”

But not you…

No, you are taking the Lincoln approach.

You want to understand your ex better. More particularly, you want to understand why he texts you randomly.

And I want to say that you definitely came to the right place.

Here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery we strive to understand the inner workings on what goes on in a mans mind.

(This is our proof (1) (2) )

How do we accomplish that?

Well, by utilizing our secret weapon, ME!

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Now, that may sound arrogant since I am comparing myself to a secret weapon,


But the truth is that I am like your best guy friend who doesn’t pull any punches when it comes to your dating choices. I tell you exactly what is going on in your exes brain so you can finally get the answers you need to understand why the hell you are where you are.

Don’t believe me?


This is a comment I got on my Facebook Page where I was compared to a guy friend who takes you out on dates, makes you feel better and gives unbiased advice without any suspect motivations.

Hey, the people have spoken!

And that’s what I am going to do for you here.

I am going to give you unbiased advice, no strings attached.


Except can you PLEASEEE buy my book?

No just kidding, just kidding.

Look, if you aren’t familiar with my website everything I write on here I have strove to make the best in the world and that means that when I am through creating this page it is going to be on that level.

But first in order for this page to make sense we are going to have to operate under an assumption.

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What Is The Assumption?

The assumption that we are going to operate under is the fact that you and your ex boyfriend have been broken up and he is texting you at random times post breakup.

As far as you can tell there is no pattern to when he texts you.

And it’s driving you nuts because you want to understand what’s going on in his head.

Now, I will say that usually every post I write has some way of tying into getting an ex back but I am not going to do that this time. Can you use what I am about to teach you to get an ex back?


But it’s not about that.

It’s about understand what is going on in your ex boyfriends mind.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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That’s it!

Plain and simple.

Ok, well now that we have that out of the way let’s take a look at some of the factors you are going to have to be looking at in order to understand what’s going on in your exes brain.

Factors You Need To Look At


I have identified four main factors that you need to take into account to fully pin down why your ex boyfriend is randomly texting you.

Those factors are,

  1. When Is He Texting You?
  2. What Are The Texts Saying?
  3. How Did You End The Breakup?
  4. How Serious Was Your Relationship?

Now, I will explain why each of these factors is important in a moment but first I would like to explain what we are going to use them for. In a few sections I am going to start listing every legitimate reason that I have ever seen explain why a man will randomly text an ex girlfriend.

Some of these are covered in my book.

Some of these I have seen ex boyfriends use on ex girlfriends…

Some of these I have used myself…

And some of these are pretty much common sense…

Now, the obvious question you are having at this point is,

“How do the four factors above play into this?”

Simple, we are going to use those four factors to determine how likely a particular reason for a random text is happening in your situation.

For example, let’s say that reason “A” is happening because you and your ex had a very serious relationship. Well, then that might explain the underlying reason for why your ex boyfriend is randomly texting you.

Get it?

You: Yes!

Me: Good!

But this begs an interesting question.

What if, by using the factors above, you determine that your ex is randomly texting you for more than one reason.

Is that normal?


Human beings are very complex creatures and sometimes there can be more than one motivation behind why they do things.

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Ok, now that you have a good grasp at the why the four factors are important lets turn our attention to defining what I mean by them.

Factor One: When Is He Texting You?

Now, at first glance you may be sitting there wondering,

“Why does this even matter?”

But it’s actually really important.

It can mean an entirely different thing if your ex is texting you immediately after a breakup as opposed to a year later.

Get it?

Factor Two: What Are His Texts Saying?

This one I feel is actually pretty straightforward to understand.

A man who texts you something mean is going to have a different motivation as opposed to a man who texts you something positive or nice.

This is another factor that we can’t afford to throw out.

Factor Three: How Did You End The Breakup?

This is a data point that I personally feel is essential to understanding the motivation behind a random text message.

Let’s say that you cheated on your ex boyfriend. Well, that might be important to know when trying to dissect why he is sending those hurtful messages.

But I would also argue that it’s important to know if you ended your breakup mutually. Usually in those cases you can rule out any really bad hurt feelings (there will always be hurt feelings in any breakup) towards you.

Factor Four: How Serious Was The Relationship

The meaning behind a text message to someone you were engaged to is going to be very different as opposed to someone who you just dated for a while.

Understanding the seriousness of your relationship is one of those things that is going to be important for me to determine why he is texting you.

So, those are our four factors.

But if this is truly going to be the best page on random texts online I feel I need to add something a little extra.

The Added Bonus I Put In For You

One of my flaws as a human being is the fact that I feel extreme guilt for certain things.

For example, I felt extreme guilt for the fact that I was getting a lot of sleep when my daughter was born and my wife was not. So, I decided that I would stay up all night to take care of the baby so my wife could get some sleep.

I mean, they say happy wife, happy life, right?

Turns out that was a horrible idea as I didn’t get any work done online for a month.

And of course, that made me feel very guilty.

Here’s the point.

When I feel I am not pulling my weight I feel very guilty and that even extends down to small things like writing these posts for you.

So, yesterday I was sitting back and thinking about this post on random text messages and I thought to myself,

“Is this really the best I could do?”

And my answer, of course, made me feel guilty.


I felt like I could do more for you.

What would really set this article over the top is if I included actual examples of what these texts look like.

Take a look at the section below this one.

There you will find a total of 6 different random texts that an ex boyfriend can send an ex girlfriend.

My initial plan was to just talk about these 6 different texting outcomes and explain the motivations for why an ex boyfriend would send them using the factors above.

HOWEVER, I think it would be awesome if on top of that I included examples of what each of them look like.

So, here is how I am going to structure things going forward,


As you can see I am going to first talk about the text type and give a brief introduction into what that random text is.

After that brief introduction is over I am going to move on and give 3 to 5 examples of what those random text messages look like. I feel this will prove to be educational for you to determine if your ex is sending you this type of a text message.

Of course, once I have finished doing that I am going to move on to talking about the motivations behind why an ex boyfriend would send you that particular text message.

And then finally, I am going to utilize the “four factors” I talked about above by diving into if you are receiving this random text message from your ex.

Get it?

Got it?


Let’s begin!

The Random Text Messages

I put a lot of thought into this and determined that it would be impossible for me to list every conceivable random text message that a man would send you after a breakup. I mean, if I were to do that then this page would literally have THOUSANDS of messages and you wouldn’t have the patience for reading this page anymore.

(Not to mention that I wouldn’t have the patience to write it.)

So instead, I decided to figure out what the most popular random text messages were.

The final count I ended up with was six. Here’s what they look like,

  1. The Test Message
  2. The Miss You Message
  3. The Check Up Message (Figuring Out Where You Went)
  4. The Booty Call Message
  5. The Brag About Himself Message
  6. The Boredom Message

(For more text messages check out “The Texting Bible.”)

So, let’s jump right to it.

The Test Message


Breakups tend to bring out the worst in people. Would you believe it if I told you that I once witnessed a woman screaming at her “soon to be ex” at the top of her lungs from her apartment as he screamed back at her from the street?

Seriously… I was taking the trash out and I happened to hear this sound.

It was this loud shrill sound and I thought to myself,

“What is that?”

So, after I threw the trash out I went for a little walk trying to figure out where the sound was coming from and that’s when I saw it.

A woman who was on the top floor of the apartment complex screaming down at a man. I didn’t want to linger around too much since the man was 10 feet in front of me screaming right back at his soon to be ex.


Actually, I remember I literally thought, man I wish I had a card I could give him.

You know, one that says “Chris Seiter: Ex Boyfriend Recovery.”

Something like this,

star wars card

Oh… Ahem…

That’s actually my other day job.

Shh… it’s a secret.

But hey, we are getting way off topic here. All I was trying to say is that breakups tend to bring out some bad sides of people. As a result, after a breakup a man may try to send a text message to gauge where you are at.

Think of it like a “test.”

It’s a way of determining if you are still lingering around on the dark side of the force or if you have maybe calmed down to be a jedi yet.

You Are Thinking- Man, he is really into these Star Wars analogies today

Let’s take a look at what a “test text message” will look like.

Examples Of Test Messages

test message 1

Yes, I realize that this is pretty basic but it’s entire existence serves as a way for one party to gauge where the other party is at. I mean, this is literally the equivalent of asking you if you are ok without actually asking it.

Your Ex: “Hey, how are you doing?”

You: ” I am still f*cking pi**ed at you…”

Your Ex Thinks: (Ok, she still needs more time.)

Let’s take a look at another example,

test message 2

To be honest this is a hybrid text message.

It wraps a test and an apology together. Now, you may find it weird that I used this as an example but this is something I see a lot from the men at Ex Boyfriend Recovery. They are trying to gauge if their exes are still angry at them. However, they also have a guilty conscious for something and can’t help but ask for forgiveness.

Let’s move on to another fine example of a test message,

test message 3

I am not going to lie to you.

This is the random type of text message that I can see myself sending to an ex.


Because it’s looked at as small talk but there is a different ulterior motivation behind it. You see, if I were to send this I would do so because I am trying to gauge my exes reaction. I would send it because it’s not looked at like a test. Instead, it’s looked at as small talk and based on how my ex were to respond to that small talk would dictate how I approach things going forward.

And trust me when I say that I am not the first man in the world to ever think this tactic up.

What Is An Exes Motivation To Send A “Test Message?”

This is the fun part.

This is where I feel Ex Boyfriend Recovery shines as opposed to the other websites out there. You see, we specialize in explaining the “why.”

Hmm… now that I think about it that’s probably why so many people are drawn to PRO. But I am getting off topic here.

I want you to understand what’s going on in your exes brain. You know how they say that knowledge is power?

Well, it’s true!

So, why would an ex boyfriend send you a message that is meant to gauge your reaction?

What is his motivation for doing so?

Well, there are two huge ones that immediately come to mind.

Motivation One: He Can’t Stand Someone Being Angry At Him

I feel this is a motivation I can really get behind because I am this person.

Let me give you an example.

The other day someone I work with snapped at me for being a little too demanding. It’s the first time anything like that has ever happened and it kind of shook me up.

“Why would they be mad at me? Aren’t I a god to them?”

Haha.. No, just kidding.

But it did shake me up and the entire day that’s the only thing I could think about. So, what I started doing is sending them tests to gauge their reaction. I wanted to make sure they were ok emotionally before I started sending them work to do.

It’s entirely possible that an ex boyfriend who sends you a test message to gauge your reaction is motivated by the fact that he can’t stand that you are looking at him in a lowly light. Don’t forget, I did a huge write up on an exes “god complex.” So, it’s not too far fetched for a man to want to retain his god complex if you do something that makes him think that he is no longer a god to you.

Motivation Two: He Wants To Be Sure You Are On Good Terms Before Continuing A Friendship Or Relationship

Let’s stay with the idea that an ex boyfriend who sends this random text message to you does so under the fact that he can’t stand you being angry at him.

There is still a lingering question that I haven’t answered yet?


Why is he so concerned with the fact that you may be angry at him?

What’s the underlying motivation for that?

I want you to take a moment to look at the graphic I put together for you below explaining his thought process,

his thought process

So, here is what happened.

Your ex boyfriend initially had this thought,

Before we try to be friends or start a relationship again I want to be sure that we are on good terms.

Of course, this lead him to have this thought,

Wait a minute… I don’t think I can stand the fact that anyone would be mad at me. It will just stress me out too much. What can I do to gauge how she is feeling about me without it seeming too obvious?

This is how men think.

They sometimes have levels beyond an initial thought.

Let’s move on and talk about our next random text message.

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Is The “Test Message” Happening To You?

Oftentimes I see the “test message” happening to women women right after the breakup.

Timing is important here because that’s probably when an ex boyfriend is going to worry the most about what you are thinking of him and if you are mad at him.

Another important fact that needs to be taken into account is the seriousness of the relationship.

The more serious the relationship was the more likely a test message will be.


Simple, let’s say that a couple was engaged and a man is operating under the assumption that the woman is very into him. Well, after the breakup he may end up missing the feeling of “being the man” and may make an attempt to reclaim his former glory.

The “Miss You” Message

pig time

This one isn’t too revolutionary.

As a result, I am going to skip creating a long introduction leading up to the examples because it really isn’t necessary. Instead, I am going to combine the introduction of explaining what the “I miss you” text is with showing you examples.


Because I think showing you the examples of this text message alone will pretty much tell you what this text message is.

All this text message is, is when an ex boyfriend starts missing you and let’s you know about it,

miss you

Again, there is nothing too revolutionary going on here.

Of course, every once in a while you will get those exes who really, really, really miss you. When that happens you will see what I like to call the next level of an “I miss you” text,

miss you so much

Who knew two little words had so much power but they do.

Adding in that little “so much” is very insightful and it can tell us something about an exes mindset.

(Side Note: I cover a lot of the “I miss you messages” in The Texting Bible)

What Is An Exes Motivation For Sending You An “I Miss You” Text Message?

Excellent question.

I am not going to lie to you. I see this “I miss you” text from exes a lot when the no contact rule is being done to them.

And it’s not hard to dive in to the motivation behind why they would send this text message if they were being ignored.

I think the better question is why would an ex send this text message if you aren’t using the no contact rule on them?

Ah… in the words of the immortal joker,

now were talking

As I think about it the only thing that makes sense to me would be the grass is greener syndrome.

I have this theory.

When men date a woman they have this internal attraction scale.

Stop me if you’ve heard this already.




You haven’t heard it before?


Anyways, when a man dates a woman he rates a woman in a certain way on this scale and as long as that rating is high enough he will continue dating her.

Take a look below,


(Forgive my poor drawing.)

But I am sure you get the gist.

The higher you rate on a man’s happiness scale the longer he will date you. However, if you begin to drop on his scale then he will break up with you or find a way to get out of the relationship.

That’s where the grass is greener syndrome comes into play.

Let’s pretend that when you were dating your ex boyfriend he had you rated as an 8,

happy copy

That’s a pretty solid rating.

But that’s also at the beginning of the relationship. As the relationship progressed things began to grow stale and nothing was done to keep things fresh.

Therefore, your very strong 8 rating dipped down and became a four…

happy copy

It’s at this point that your ex boyfriend becomes very unhappy and seeks out a breakup.

And that’s when something fascinating happens.

You see, breakups give people time to reflect and think about what they want and instead of mostly focusing on the horrible times that made him feel like a four he thinks back to those times that made him feel like an eight. He starts to feel like he may have made a mistake in breaking up with you and that’s when it happens.

He begins to miss you.

Of course, I want you to remember this “scale theory” as I am going to talk about it again a little bit later when I talk about the grass is greener syndrome.

Let’s move on.

Is The “Miss You” Message Happening To You

The main factors to consider here are,

  1. The Seriousness Of Your Previous Relationship
  2. What The Actual Message Says

The seriousness isn’t that hard to figure out. The more serious your previous relationship with your ex the more likely you are to receive an “I miss you” text.

But I find what the actual message says to be more fascinating.

As a general rule, the longer the “I miss you” the more he probably actually misses you.

For example, a man who sends you a basic “I miss you” text like this,

miss you

Isn’t going to miss you as much as a man who sends an “I miss you” text like this,

Screen Shot 2016-05-31 at 11.53.34 AM

The “Check Up” Text Message


This is one of those messages that is very prevalent when you utilize the no contact rule (if you don’t know what the no contact rule is then I suggest you check out my bestselling book on it.)

So, let’s operate under the assumption that you are in the middle of a no contact rule where you have ignored your ex for a week straight.

Let’s also operate under the assumption that when you and your ex were dating you never went a day without texting so you ignoring him for a week is kind of a big deal from his perspective.

Since you have started the no contact rule he has reached out to you a total of three times and with each text you receive you can see him getting progressively angrier.

Eventually he is going to send a text where he bluntly asks where you went.

That’s the “check up” text message.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“How is this any different from the test message that you talked about above?”

Well, it’s actually very different because with the test text message he doesn’t bluntly ask why the hell you are ignoring him.

In fact, if you ignore enough test messages you will eventually get served a “check up” message.

But what does a “check up message” look like?

Examples Of “Check Up” Messages

One of two things will generally accompany a “check up” message.

  1. A slight hint of anger, confusion or concern
  2. A bold statement that you are ignoring him

“Check up” messages are the number one reason for why so many women fail at the no contact rule. A “check up” message is usually the first push back that you will get from an ex if you are ignoring him. It looks a little like this,

checkup one

Notice how in this text message your ex directly stated that you are ignoring him and then went on to lay on the angry guilt trip.

But that’s just the most direct way of having a check up.

Some exes will “fake concern” with this type of a text message,


This is the ultimate guilt trip…


Is your ex actually concerned about you?

On some level he probably is. However, he is probably more concerned with the fact that he is being ignored.

After all, I have stated multiple times that men hate to be ignored.

Anyways, let’s move on and talk about some of the reasons for why an ex would send you a text message like this?

What Is An Exes Motivation For Sending A “Check Up” Text Message

As I stated above, generally the reason for why an ex would send you a “check up” message is due to the fact that he doesn’t like being ignored.

However, I would like to aim a bit deeper and understand why he doesn’t like being ignored.

Common sense dictates that a man who doesn’t like being ignored by a woman still has feelings for the woman and while I certainly think a strong case can be made for that fact I would also say that those feelings aren’t generally enough for a man to do a 180 and want to get back together.

Look, all I can do here is bring my own experience with the “check up” message since I have actually been on the “sending end” of one.

A long time ago…

In a galaxy far far away…

chris star wars

Oh wait… did I actually say that out loud?


(Let me try this again)

When I was 21 years old I met a girl who I had a major crush on.

She was the type of girl who I saw myself with and as a result I tried really hard to get her to date me.

It didn’t work.

Eventually after a failed effort she stopped responding to my text messages and I felt powerless. You see, in my mind I was a god who women fawned over.

Case in point…

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 6.39.06 PM

But I wasn’t. I was just a normal human being and I didn’t like being reminded of it. As a result, I ended up sending one of the “check up” example messages above.

If I am being completely honest with you it’s all about control.

I felt that I had it when I thought that this particular girl had a crush on me. And when I learned that she didn’t I felt my control slipping away.

So, in my experience the “check up” messages occur when a man feels like he is losing control of the situation.

My findings on psychological reactance seem to back this up.

Human beings have a certain amount of set freedoms and when they feel that those freedoms are being taken away or threatened they usually react in a way to try to get that freedom back.

This was certainly the case when I was being ignored.

I lashed out because I felt my freedom to talk to another human being was being threatened.

I lashed out because I didn’t have the control anymore.

I lashed out because I couldn’t think of a more mature way to handle the situation.

Is The “Check Up” Message Happening To You?

The big factor you want to look at revolving around the “check up” message is the timing of it.

When was the “check up” message sent?

Generally speaking it’s sent after a period where you have ignored your ex for a good spell.

The “Booty Call” Message

late night

I have a question for you.

Is it presumptuous of an ex boyfriend to send you a booty call text message?

For those of you who don’t know: The booty call text message is a subtle way of a man trying to set up a situation where he can have sex with you… no strings attached.

So, is it presumptuous of him to try?

Let’s look at the statistics.

Recently the AP conducted a fascinating study on exes.

They basically polled 1,240 people and asked them a bunch of questions on exes.

Care to guess what one of the questions was?

“Have You Ever Had Sex With An Ex After A Breakup?”

Guess what percentage of people answered “yes?”


Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 6.56.41 PM

That’s a lot higher than I thought.

Turns out there are a lot of booty calls going on after a breakup.

But I still haven’t answered the question.

Is it presumptuous of an ex to want a booty call after a breakup?

Well, I suppose my answer to that question would depend on the individual.

The Definition Of Presumptuous States: A person failing to observe the limits of what is permitted or appropriate.

But what if your ex boyfriend falls into the 36% category where he has experienced a booty call with another ex? Maybe he thinks it’s the norm and doesn’t see the problem with asking an ex to have sex with him.

Some exes are like that.

Let’s move on.

Examples Of “Booty Call” Messages

Forget everything that Hollywood ever taught you about booty call messages.

Seriously, ex boyfriends are rarely as blunt as Hollywood makes them out to be.

How do I know this?

Well, I have a story for you.

Back when I started Ex Boyfriend Recovery I would spend about 5 hours a day answering your questions and comments.

If I am totally honest with you it was a slog.

It took forever but that time spent in the trenches was valuable because I learned lessons like the one I am about to teach you.

There was a girl, let’s call her Ashton, who wanted her ex boyfriend back very, very badly.

Ashton: “I will do anything to get him back”

Me: “Whoa, slow down. The first thing you should probably work on doing is becoming self sufficient to where you aren’t so reliant on him.”

Ashton: “You are right but I just can’t imagine my life without him.”

This girl wanted her ex back so much.

There was just one problem.

Every time her ex would reach out to her they would have a nice little conversation that always led back to sex.

For example, Ashton would receive a series of texts like this,

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 7.13.06 PM

Ok, first off…

“The Backstreet Boys?”


Secondly, did you see how Ashton’s ex steered the conversation towards sex?

This seems to be the “go to” for ex boyfriends now-a-day’s when it comes to a booty call. They strike up a conversation, build some rapport and before you know it you are talking about sex with them.

So, how did things turn out for Ashton?

Not well…

She asked me one day why I thought that her ex kept bringing up sex and I said,

“Well, he probably wants to sleep with you.”

Upon hearing that she became very excited. You see, she took it that, that was a very good sign because men only want to sleep with women that they have feelings for.

…. sigh

I explained to her that, that wasn’t necessarily true and that I usually see this with men who want friends with benefits.

That’s when it happened.

After another sex filled talk with her ex he sent this message,

Screen Shot 2016-05-24 at 7.21.35 PM

There it is…. the booty call!

So, did Ashton go for it?

Yes she did.

Against my recommendation she ended up seeing her ex on that Friday and she ended up sleeping with him.

He didn’t commit and that was the last they ended up talking to each other after she realized that he was just using her for sex.

What Is An Exes Motivation For Sending A “Booty Call” Message?

Have you ever heard that theory that men think about sex 7,000 times a day?

Ya… that’s a complete lie.

So, don’t buy into it at all.

However, I will say that men think about sex a lot.

And I’m not the only one to think that.

Terri Fisher and her research team from Ohio State University decided that they would conduct an experiment on how often people thought about sex by giving them clickers,


Basically any time that a man or a woman thought about sex they were supposed to click the clicker. At the end of each day they were supposed to record how many times they thought about sex.


It’s a pretty basic study, right?

So, what were the results?

Men = An Average Of 19 Sex Thoughts Per Day

Women = An Average Of 10 Sex Thoughts Per Day

So, this tells us that on average men think about sex more than women.

Not that I needed a study to tell me that.

But you are probably wondering how this ties into the booty call text messages.

Well, what’s the only thing better than thinking about sex?

Having it, right?

And sometimes when a man realizes that he isn’t going to have sex as frequently now that he is single (studies back this up) he begins to regret his decision or he tries to set up a friends with benefits situation.

Given the choice between having consistent sex in a committed relationship versus having consistent sex in an undefined relationship you’d be surprised how many men will jump on that friends with benefits train.

I once said that a man’s genetic hard wiring makes him want to do two things above all else,

  1. Survive
  2. Replicate

The only way the human race can continue to survive is if men continue to replicate or “mate.”

We are dealing with something primal here.

But here is the simple truth behind why you are getting a booty call text message.

Your ex boyfriend wants to have sex with you.

That’s it!

Is The “Booty Call” Message Happening To You?

This is another super easy one to determine.

The factor that you really want to look at is what he says in the text message. If it’s anything related to sex or is surrounded by a bunch of texts that have sexual connotations then you may have a “booty call” text message problem.

Again, I’m not quite sure I can dive in to expand on that more. It’s pretty straightforward.

The “Brag About Himself” Text Message

I have a story to tell you.

A few months after my breakup with my very first ex girlfriend she reached out to me. Her text wasn’t anything special,

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 5.24.14 PM

I guess she was just trying to open the lines of communication up.

But I didn’t react well to it. In fact, I was pretty nasty to her. I didn’t call her any names or anything like that but I was very standoffish.

I always regretted that.

But not for the reason you are thinking of.

Nope, and I realize this is going to make me sound like a total a**hole but I wish I had kind of bragged about how well I was doing without her.

It just so happens that, that is the next text message that we are going to be talking about.

Examples Of The “Brag About Himself” Message

This one is very easy to spot. In fact, I talk a lot about it in my book.

The “Brag About Himself” Message is generally accompanied by one thing.

A man bragging about himself.

Of course, sometimes the guys who are really slick won’t brag about themselves but they will brag about their possessions.

Take a look at this text message,

Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 5.45.44 PM

The purpose behind this message is to clearly say,

“Look how great my life has been without you in it. I got a new car!!!”

Hmm… I am trying to think of a way that I can make this more interesting.

Ah, I know!

Let me think for a moment and I will think of an actual text I have sent to a girl before where I was bragging about myself.


Screen Shot 2016-05-26 at 5.51.33 PM

This text was all about the bragging.

For the record, I actually did pitch a perfect game in high school and I ended up striking out every single batter. Our team won 20 – 0. Ya… I’m awesome!

Do you think you have a pretty good grasp of what the “brag about himself” text message looks like?



Let’s move on and talk a bit about some of the reasons for why an ex would send this message to you.

The Motivation Behind Why An Ex Would Send The “Brag About Himself” Text Message

One of my favorite quotes ever is from Frank Sinatra,

The Best Revenge In Life Is Massive Success

I can’t help but think of that quote when I think of this text message. I think an ex would send this message as a way of saying “I am so much better without you.”

Maybe there is a revenge plot going on where he wants you to know that his time with you was horrible.

But that’s what everyone thinks on the surface. I want to peel back those layers and understand his underlying reason for even wanting revenge.

There are a couple of things that spring to mind here.

  • He Is Insecure About Himself
  • He Is Vindictive

I’ll tackle the insecurity first.

He Is Insecure About Himself

In high school I had a friend who was very insecure about his body.

He wasn’t bad looking.

Quite the contrary, he was good looking.

It’s just that he was skinny. So, when he turned 17 he decided that he was going to start lifting weights so he could gain some muscle mass. Anyways, fast forward a year and he actually had put on some muscle. There was just one problem.

He bragged about it all the time.


Even to the girls he had crushes on.

I remember one girl coming up to me and saying,

“Wow, he is so conceited.”

He really wasn’t. He just needed that extra confidence boost from bragging about himself since he always viewed himself as a skinny kid.

Maybe something like that is going on with your ex where he needs the confidence he gets from bragging about himself through text messages.

He Is Vindictive

This one is much more straightforward.

Your ex may want to make you suffer.

He may want to see you unhappy and the best way he can think of to do that without looking like a total a$$ is by bragging about himself in a way that makes it seem like his life is totally better without you. Sometimes you see this happening where he brags about dating other women.

If he does do that then you probably have a vindictive ex on your hands.

Is The “Brag About Himself” Text Message Happening To You

Two factors come into play here.

  1. What the message actually says
  2. How you ended things with him

Let’s tackle what the message says first. If you receive a text message where your ex is bragging about himself you are receiving a “brag about himself” text message.

But sometimes that’s not enough for people.

Sometimes they need more evidence.

Ok, next I want to point you towards how you ended things with your ex. If they ended very badly then in my mind that increases the chances that you will receive a “brag about himself” text message.

The “Boredom” Message

This may sound really weird but all I can think about when I think about this message is that funny scene from “How I Met Your Mother.”

If you aren’t familiar with the show then let me give you some quick background for what I am talking about.

There is a character named Barney Stinson who is being taught something by his friend, Ted Mosby in a classroom setting.

Barney, who looks very bored absorbing this lecture all of a sudden exclaims,



How does that relate to the “boredom message.” Truthfully, I have no clue. It was just something funny that I wanted to share with you.

Anyways, thus far every single text message that I have talked about was calculating on your exes part. In other words, he sent that particular text message for that particular purpose.

But doesn’t it make sense that sometimes he can send a text message for no apparent reason other than boredom?

I can’t tell you how often I have done this to my wife.

I simply got bored and there was no one else to talk to so in order to fill the time I text her.


I am trying to think of the last time I did this to her.


I was waiting to have my car inspected and it took an hour. I texted her because I got bored.

And that kind of leads me to my next point.

Examples Of The “Boredom” Message

I think the more interesting aspect of the boredom message is understanding an exes motivation for sending it but I am going to talk about that in a second. For now, let’s see if we can identify what a boredom message looks like.

One of the most common mistakes that people make when trying to identify the boredom message is mistaking it with building rapport.

Sometimes building rapport and texting out of boredom can be eerily similar.

However, I have developed a method for determining if your ex is sending you a text out of sheer boredom.

Above, I gave an example of a time when I went to get my car inspected and it took an hour. As a result, I ended up texting my wife to kill time.

What do you think the first text I sent her looked like?

Let me clue you in,

Screen Shot 2016-05-30 at 12.50.48 PM

Essentially, I told her about a situation where I was probably going to be bored.

Therein lies our first clue at determining if an ex is texting you out of boredom.

If he tells you that he is in a situation where you think he is going to be bored then he is probably texting you to kill time.

Now, I personally don’t think this is that big of a deal. In fact, I think having an ex text you out of boredom may work to your advantage.

The Motivation Behind Sending A “Boredom” Message

Figuring out the motivation isn’t that hard.

Your ex is bored.

What’s more interesting is figuring out why he decides to text you when he is bored.

A lot of women get angered by the idea that he is texting them out of boredom.

But they shouldn’t.

In fact, I think it may be a good thing.

Think about the example I gave above of when I was sitting around waiting for my car to get inspected.

I was clearly bored so I texted my wife.

However, I wanted to text her because I knew she would make things less boring.

In fact, I knew that she would make things a lot more interesting.

That’s probably what your ex is trying to do with you. He has found himself in a very boring situation and is looking for you to make things more interesting. So, instead of looking at this like,

“He only texts me when he is bored…”

Look at it like,

“He is looking for me to make his boring day more interesting” because that’s exactly what’s happening.

It’s an opportunity to show off to him.

Don’t squander it!

Is The “Boredom” Message Happening To You?

A few factors to consider here.

  1. The timing of when he sends you the boredom message
  2. If he says he is bored
  3. How you ended your previous relationship

The timing isn’t hard to figure out. If he is texting you in a situation where you think he is bored then that raises the chances of you receiving a boredom text message. Also, another telling factor will be if he actually admits to you that he is bored like in some of the examples I gave above.

Finally, how you ended the relationship is an important factor to consider.

If things ended poorly then he probably won’t rely on you for a boredom text.

If they ended relatively normally then that raises your chances.

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242 thoughts on “What Does It Mean When My Ex Randomly Texts Me?”

  1. Shell

    July 17, 2020 at 1:25 am

    My ex unblocked me on Instagram and has tried to add me on there. His also tried to talk to me on there twice too. But it’s been pretty random just like hope you’re well, sorry if this message upsets you but if it’s ok can you give me some information about hospitals. I gave him the information politely. He said thank you. Then another night he messaged me just to say thank you again and he hoped I was well. I just said I was happy to help. Then he tried to change the conversation bad flirt with me a bit but I went to bed at that point plus I felt slightly uncomfortable by it. He Hasn’t once mentioned about us or about meeting up?
    As he was the one that ended things & blocked me. ( he got angry at fact I called him out on his hot & cold behavior ) surly it should be him who says let’s meet up and not me? I get the impression his confused and just making up excuses to try add me and chat with me on Instagram?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 9, 2020 at 11:43 am

      Hi Shell, if you want to get this guy back then you need to be much less angry with him and understand that he is actually reaching out to you and making that effort to speak with you. And it is way too soon to be asking you to meet up after two conversations. I would look at it in a the sense that he has reached out and that’s a start

  2. Sara

    July 7, 2020 at 5:06 pm

    My ex and I were together for eight months. He broke up with me after a depressive episode, saying he “fell out of love with life “, and falling out of love with me was part of that. We didn’t talk for a month, he texted me after a month and I told him I still loved him but I couldn’t be friends with him. A week later he showed up at my door in tears. It’s been 7 months since then and we’ve been together for the most part, though he maintains I am his ex and he loves me but doesn’t know what he wants. There’s been weeks here and there we stop talking because I don’t want a casual relationship and he is confused, but we always end up back in each others arms. Well, he’s in the reserves. And volunteered for deployment. We’ve known for months he was going away and he’s said very conflicting things… He loves me, he’s coming back, he’s not going to leave and move on from me, he’s not in love with me, he doesn’t know if he’s coming back, he doesn’t want to let me go but he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want me to let him go but he doesn’t see himself changing, he loves me he wants me so bad but he won’t let himself have me… are started hearing from him less and less closer to his deployment date. I eventually, once again, told him I cannot be friends and if he plans to just text me every now and then when I pop into his head I can’t have that kind of relationship because Im in love with him and it’s hurtful. He didn’t respond, left without a goodbye about two weeks ago. I got an I miss you so much text a week ago that I didn’t respond to because I don’t want to keep perpetuating this cycle where he pushes me all the way away, then misses me, then we’re in constant contact, then he pushes me away, then he misses me. Now he texts me a week later saying nothing. Just a funny video from reddit. I haven’t responded. I don’t know how to navigate the situation anymore. I love him so much. I want to be with him. Im afraid he’s just keeping me around until he finds someone else.

  3. Marie

    June 10, 2020 at 5:05 pm

    My ex and I were together for 14 years. We lived together for 10. The last few months of our relationship he grew distant, come to find out he was having an affair. He refused to work through the issue and put no effort no matter how much I tried. I eventually had no choice but to move out. I was and am devastated. Relationships take work and he gave up. Prior we had more good and bad and clicked very well.
    I did 30 days no contact nd reached out after and he said he was happy to hear from me, met in person he tried to hook up I declined. A month more passed and we connected via phone and he invited me away for a weekend.
    I decided to go. He was very attentive to my needs and we enjoyed each other’s company. It was somewhat awkward not being together for 2.5 months at this point yet fun and we hooked up. During the trip he said he wants to be alone for now but dropped hints of a future opportunity. I then met up with him later that week and we hooked up again…some hints there could be a future but he doesn’t want a relationship now. He seems like he analyzes my moves and is confused to some extent while being sure he wants nothing now. Prior to our trip he told a mutual friend he missed me was very excited to see me and maybe in a few months we would be a couple again. It has been almost a week since our last in person and I haven’t heard from him or reached out. Each time we saw each other although fun some past issues were discussed which made us uncomfortable yet I tried to listed and remain calm. I was forward in saying I do not want a break up and would have worked on things he looked overwhelmed so I dropped it and told him no pressure or expectations. I have also been working on me and self care since the breakup.
    Since the last meet up haven’t called to provide space.
    Have I screwed it up? What can I do to try and rekindle our relationship and build a stronger one then before? I want us to work and I want to be together again.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 17, 2020 at 12:14 am

      Hi Marie, you need to start planning your conversations so that they are of interest to him and how you are going to end at the peak. Keeping your emotional control when you do speak with him. Keep in mind this is not a case of a quick fix, if you want your relationship to work you need to start setting a foundation and building a stronger relationship this time around slowly and securely

  4. Ellen

    May 13, 2020 at 7:35 am

    I dated my ex for a year and a half, we lived together and because of that right after we broke up there were a few months where we had to contact each other to square things away. Then I entered no contact rule and my ex reached out after 2 months no contact, we had a nice conversation where he started by checking in on me and then admitted to being lonely. The conversation ended and now I’m wondering if I should reach out first or if that seems too needy. His birthday is in a few weeks but I thought about contacting him sooner and not acknowledging his birthday at all when it comes around. I deeply miss him and would like to try to work through our differences because we truly were a good match. Please help, what do I do now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 19, 2020 at 9:11 pm

      Hi Ellen, so to follow this process you need to complete 30 day of solid No Contact where yo work on yourself and your Holy Trinity and then you reach out with a text that Chris has suggested in his texting articles, keeping the conversation short and positive. Ending the conversation first. You are correct that you need to avoid having the birthday conversation

  5. Ray

    February 7, 2020 at 5:00 am

    I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he ignored me for 3 days (I realize I gnatted/spammed his phone being wrongfully suspicious of other women he’d proven his innocence multiple times). But, regardless I thought it inappropriate that he ignores me even if he’s annoyed. So I sent him a breakup text, he agreed and I told him we could talk has friends if he needed, he said ok. Then I left it at that & without warning started no contact. On day 3 he sent me a Snapchat (I still have not opened it) and today on day 7 I received a text message from him saying “Question?” That’s all he said it was a totally random text from him while he was at work. I don’t know what he’s asking or why he’s texting me while he’s working? ‍♀️ But, I’m not breaking no contact…. I genuinely love & want him back I’m so nervous about his random text today because I have no clue what it’s about & I’m also worried about ignoring it I’ve been reading your articles everyday in hopes that I can get him back.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:41 pm

      Hey Ray good for you sticking to the No Contact it takes real control to stick with this. Keep strong and stay through to day 30 days

  6. Alma

    February 6, 2020 at 7:42 am

    Hi chris
    After 10 years of being in relationship he broks up with me and after two a month of no contact he texts me
    Saying he is having dreams about me and asking if im ok
    What shall i say ? Csn you help please
    Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 6, 2020 at 9:45 pm

      Hey Alma if you want him back then use this as a window to open conversation between you both. If you want to move on with your life, either ignore him or tell him you’re doing great but dont make an effort to speak with him

  7. Tine

    February 3, 2020 at 3:37 am

    My ex broke up with me 4 weeks ago, I have done the NC and actually also told him that I didn’t wanted to talk with him. In the mean time I went on vacation (I still am), and he texted me 2 days ago: I hope your vacation was good and that you want to talk with me again, if not let me know.
    Regarding our vacation in February and April (we were supposed to go to Seychelles 7th of February and also had a vacation in April), I think we need to coordinate together?

    When he broke up, I tried to talk with him about this, but he closed me off, and now suddenly he wants to talk.
    I have no idea if he only wants to talk because he want his money back or if he regrets the break up and misses me.
    Does an expert have some advise for me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 7, 2020 at 9:02 pm

      Hey Tine so I would not reply while you are on holiday but I would post photos while you are away. And as for the future plans, make sure you do not bring them up – wait to see if he does. You can reach out when you have completed 30 days of NC and if that is now then wait until you are home to do so

  8. Sarah

    November 30, 2019 at 9:56 pm

    This is the third time my ex has reached out out of the blue. The most recent time is about a year after the break up. He randomly sent me a text with a podcast on a topic I would be interested in. The text was sent in the evening and his messages were kind of awkward. It seemed like he put a lot of thought into the text. Would you take this as a sign that he misses me? It’s also around the same time I was with him and his family last year.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 1:00 am

      Hi Sarah, I would take this as you are on his mind to be going to the effort of reaching out to you with these things, the thoughtful text and the podcast that you would be interested in, is the types of texts we advise here. So if you are interested in getting your ex back I would reply and start a conversation with him and see where it leads to

  9. KS

    September 13, 2019 at 10:14 pm

    So, reading all of this has been a bit therapeutic for me. In May of this year I met my now, ex. Immediately we hit it off and began dating. Since June of this year we have been texting daily. We saw each other at least once or twice a week. Some weeks we would be seeing each other up to 4 times a week. (side note: Both of us work a lot. most of the time we were both working 12 hour days, but we still made time to see each other.) Our connection felt so strong. I was falling for him. Everything seemed to be just right. At least on my end. I was comfortable with the pace of everything. It wasn’t too fast, nor was it moving slow. Last Saturday, we went out on a date. We spent the evening together eating dinner and exploring a different part of town like we always do. We always went on little adventures. The next day, Sunday, we didn’t text each other except for good morning. This was sort of abnormal for us. however I knew that he was very busy with work and so was I. After I come home. I receive a break up text. I was stunned. He stated that He is too busy for a relationship and that he isnt ready to be in a relationship. I tried calling him, but he ignored and texted me saying that he isnt ready to talk on the phone as this was difficult for him. In our text conversation He stated that I am awesome and the best he has ever dated and that he is unsure if he is making an appropriate decision. basically in our message chain I expressed my understanding, acceptance, saddness and dumbfoundedness. I did mention that I hope we can remain friends and I did mention that I am still here for him. The next morning. He apologized and said that he appreciated what I was saying. I did not respond. later in the day he texted again saying that he is surprised I didn’t respond to his last message. I didnt respond again until much later that night. I told him that I did not respond because I am hurt and upset so I kept my phone distant because I needed space and a break. He never responded to that and we haven’t talked or texted the rest of the week. Today, Friday, I posted a selfie on facebook. He liked the picture and moments later texted me saying, I hope you are doing well, you look like you are. I still have not responded. Should I respond? what should I respond? While yes I am fine and moving forward. I am still very hurt by him and still have feelings for him. I also have so many questions for him. I believed everything was fine and out of the blue he breaks it off THROUGH TEXT. I feel disrespected and mislead. I wish he would have just talked to me about this and his feelings in person. If he needed space and needed more time for himself. I would have been cool with that. If I am so great and the best you’ve dated why cant we work through this? I also miss him. We had such a connection and such a great time together. I would consider giving him another chance, but we’ll see. I just still need time to process everything, but I can’t help but be curious as to why he has sent me this “test” message today.

  10. kathleen

    August 21, 2019 at 7:06 pm

    My ex ended things out the blue due to work stress
    I tried to call him and talk about it or even meet him and he wouldn’t
    So i went no contact and 19 days he contacted me apologising. It was a nice apology however i don’t want to come across needy and too much so iv completely backed off and hoping his actions will speak louder than words. I have text him back but not said too much and iv been polite and explained i did feel mugged off.
    Am i doing the right thing here? And do i wait for him to reach out about phoning me or about meeting up? or do i ask?

    I feel very over whelmed

  11. kathleen de feo

    August 21, 2019 at 7:06 pm

    My ex ended things out the blue due to work stress
    I tried to call him and talk about it or even meet him and he wouldn’t
    So i went no contact and 19 days he contacted me apologising. It was a nice apology however i don’t want to come across needy and too much so iv completely backed off and hoping his actions will speak louder than words. I have text him back but not said too much and iv been polite and explained i did feel mugged off.
    Am i doing the right thing here? And do i wait for him to reach out about phoning me or about meeting up? or do i ask?

    I feel very over whelmed

  12. Ashley

    July 29, 2019 at 11:41 am

    So…my ex broke up with me out of the blue 2.5 weeks ago. We’ve had an on again off again relationship for years. He broke up via text message. With no explanation. And after he broke up with me he ignored my calls completely and wouldn’t even talk to me. I texted him how hurt I was and said to get back in touch if he changed his mind. And went no contact. I haven’t heard a peep from him since. Until one night over the weekend, he sends me a text and then immediately deletes it so I couldn’t read it. He knew I’d get notified of the deleted text. He never sent anything else afterward. Why would he do this? I continue no contact right? Do you think he’ll reach out again?

  13. Lisa

    July 9, 2019 at 3:59 pm

    I dated a man for 2.5 years. The relationship was intense emotionally and physically. We traveled all over and spent a lot of time being active outdoors-camping, biking, hiking etc. Both of us were going through the divorce process, already separated and waiting for court process to finish. We should have waited to date really. I was very focused on getting reestablished and he was partially focused on us and partially focused on acting like a bachelor. As the relationship progressed, he more and more acted hot/cold and becoming more “aware” of other women. It was becoming a disrespectful relationship. Then he started hiding his phone, disappearing not wanting to say who or what he was doing. It got to the point that I had to walk away. I was head over heels for him but I knew in my gut he was not being honest. The week I broke up with him, I found him on 3 dating sites. I was informed by a single friend that he was on one. I then subsequently found him on 2 others. My fears were then confirmed.
    We broke up a 15 months ago. He has shown up door crying and apologizing several times. He has reached out to me every couple of months with apologies, asking for forgiveness. He asks to go to church together, see a pastor for counseling to repair the relationship. We live in a small town. I’ve ran into him a few times in the last year. He cries and hugs me tight. I do believe he cared for me. I almost gave him another chance but…. he told me not involved in any women and asked for another chance. A couple days later I went to his house and there was a car in driveway, girly sticker on back window. I went to the door and could hear a female. I knocked on the door. He answered, shut the door behind him so I could not see her and she could not see me. He told me he had company and I needed to leave. Cold as ice! He’d call me later. The following week same situation different woman.
    So my questions are why would a guy be emotional, say he loves you, wants a relationship back, text you every couple of months to check in, send love things and when you show up to his house, he does what he did? Is he playing games? Is he confused? Why would continue this for 15 months? Thank you

  14. KC

    July 6, 2019 at 12:42 am

    Hi Chris,

    My situation is a little unique so I can’t seem to find anything helpful online.

    I dated this guy last summer. It only lasted 3 mo. but was by far the most painful break up. I’ve had breakups w/boyfriends I dated many years that didn’t hurt this bad, mostly because I didn’t share a connection this strong w anyone else. It was intense but slow. We got to know each other well. After 3 mo. we had sex for the first time. I was ready. It was special for both of us.
    The following morning, I felt fear of losing him because it was too good to true, especially for someone like me. I made all these excuses in my head & let my fear dictate me. I ended our relationship. He was obviously shocked. Calm because he was trying to process it. I could see the sadness & confusion in his eyes. I saw him drive off & almost immediately regretted it. He was angry. He said he was falling in love w me & that I blindsided him because he really thought we had something amazing.
    Days went by, I apologized…I tried explaining myself, asking to talk in person & sort this out. He grew cold & distant finally decided he couldn’t be w/me. I was devastated. It’s been a yr. now and I still love him. I still think about him every day.
    Suddenly a wk ago he texted me after 10 months. He said something reminded him of me & that he hopes I’m doing great.
    I asked him how he was & he asked if I had taken any trips lately. I said I was actually going to Denver in a couple of days for my brothers wedding. He asked “are you taking a +1” which was a smooth way of asking if I was dating anyone. I said I was taking my best friend (which is true but he obviously wasn’t getting the answer he was looking for) he said that was awesome news & that was it.
    A wk later I texted him. Secretly wanting to engage because I was afraid we wouldn’t talk again. I apologized for being a bit short but he had caught me off guard. I said I’m glad you don’t hate me anyone. Time always helps. He said “I don’t hate you!!” & asked me how the wedding was. I said ok, maybe just angry w me anymore. He said “little bit” an hr later after realizing I didn’t answer the wedding question I said “oh and the wedding was nice, it was great seeing my family, especially my bothers”
    I thought that was pretty engaging but he didn’t reply. It’s been days. He hasn’t & very easily could have.
    I don’t understand why he’d reach out 10 mo. After a painful breakup & then not keep it going. What’s the end game. Maybe he was lonely, maybe he just ended a relationship, maybe he misses me & hasn’t experienced another one like ours. Idk. I can’t send another text. Not because I don’t want to but because the balls in his court now and I’m not going to show desperation.
    Help please

  15. Jillian

    June 18, 2019 at 2:58 am

    My ex and I recently broke up. We decided to be friends, but I told him that I needed some space before I could do that. Since telling him that, he keeps messaging me saying he misses me, begs me to message him, emailing me, liking my pics and posts on fb (he isn”t a huge fb user and never likes or comments on anything by anyone). I haven’t responded. He messaged me two nights ago, missing me. Again, I ignored it, but I noticed that he has been adding only girls on fb, and lots of them. Last night I messaged him saying “Stop messaging me, I don’t want to talk to you right now. Why don’t you message some of the girls you keep adding, and leave me alone.” He read the message, but didn’t respond. Then I woke up today and found that he had blocked me on fb and messenger.

    Just looking for some feedback or thoughts as to why he blocked me.

    Thank you

  16. Sam

    April 23, 2019 at 8:57 pm


    In some need of help. About two and half months ago my partner broke up with me, he was not planning to break up with me when he visited me that weekend (we were doing distance) , I know this for certain. We had a really amazing relationship, he truly adored me. Although we were distance, we saw each other every 2-3 weeks and often commented on how easy long distance had been for us. My job is extremely stressful, and I had become more emotional than normal towards the end. I think these heightened emotions (which often led me to lash out) coupled with him getting a little cocky/thinking grass is greener is what led to the break up. However, it was somewhat on impulse. He had distanced himself the week leading up to his last visit and when he came I basically forced him to say he felt a little weird. I think he was waiting to see how it was when he visited but as soon as he told me he felt a little distant from me, and had for the week, I suggested the break up out of feelings of hurt, explaining to him that I didn’t want to be with someone who was ever unsure of their feelings. Given the fact his ego had become a little inflated due to various factors at work and probably getting a bit of outside attention, he decided to go with it. I met up with him later that evening before he left my city to talk about things one more time. I wanted him to know the break up wasn’t coming from me so that it couldn’t be twisted in any way. That evening, before he flew out the following morning, we met up. It was horrible. I did not recognize the person sitting in front of me. He was extremely cold and explained that we just “weren’t compatible”. He said he still loved me and acknowledged that our intimacy, connection and times we had together were the best he had ever had (which I believe and know to be true). I think he had convinced himself in his head that this was best for him, and decided to stick with it. I believe his coldness was a defense mechanism. As I said, he had never treated me like that, ever, in our year long relationship. I did not exactly beg that evening, but I let him know that i was willing to work on my emotions for him and that it wasn’t what I wanted. He told me to call him if I was ever in his city and that he wouldn’t find it weird and we could still enjoy time together. Not really knowing what to do, and trying to seem as unbothered as possible, I told him that maybe we could remain friends. I also told him that I was starting to come around to the fact we weren’t compatible, and maybe we weren’t (this was a complete lie). We said goodbye that evening at the restaurant, he tried to hug me, but I felt uncomfortable and did not reciprocate.

    After that evening, I never contacted him again. In order to seem indifferent, I did not delete him from facebook but did on instagram (explaining to him that evening that I would). The break up was really hard for me. I felt so blind sighted, and it made me feel crazy, as if the year of my life I had just had with him was a lie. However, thinking the worst, and thinking he didn’t care at all and was over it already helped me heal faster. Fast forward 2 months and, out of the blue, I receive a text from him. He addressed me by a pet name he would use for me and claimed to genuinely care about how I was doing and wanting to check in. He stated in the text “I’m sure you don’t want to hear from me but I am going to anyways”, which really irritated me. I really wasn’t sure how to respond or if to respond. It seemed like a bs text. I have no doubt he wasn’t really “checking in” because of his concern for me, but was more probably wondering what I was up to. A check in 2 months after a break up seemed a little strange. Anyways, i did not want to give him power to hurt me in anyway again, so I decided to not respond. His check in also didn’t actually ask me any questions so wasn’t even sure how to respond…I also decided that if he was reaching out because he missed me or any other reason then he would need to do better than that.

    About a week and a half after the text , and lack of response from my side (3 days ago), I saw that he deleted me off of facebook. This really hurt. It seems unfair for him to do this when he was the one who broke up with me. I was very tempted to lash out but decided I had come too far to break over stupid social media. At the same time, I ultimately do want to reconnect, however, I want it to come from him. Do you think the contact and facebook are positive signs in terms of where he is at right now? Do you think ignoring the message was wise? I am upset because it feels as if our year relationship has been devalued to stupid games, but I didn’t feel that way until I saw the facebook deletion. I know it probably seems like I am analyzing something trivial, however, a deletion this far into the break up after I didn’t respond to his message seems pretty loaded. I would really appreciate any thoughts on this situation.

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 23, 2019 at 11:04 pm

      Hi Sam….so sometimes the ex will do things to get attention….or to lash out…or both. I agree he is acting immaturely, but he may also be looking for a re-entry into the relationship or possible exploring you readiness levels. Or he could just be feeling lonely and has other things on his mind too. It hard to know. I don’t think you should look back and regret anything. Just keep moving forward. If you wish, you can send a test text to him…the kind that I recommend in my Program (the initial contact text)….assuming you are interested in revisiting the relationship.

  17. Sally

    April 19, 2019 at 1:56 pm

    Ok Heres my situation in summary. My ex and I dated for 1 month. During that month, he was the perfect boyfriend. We did activities that most people do in 6 months of dating. He was the one accelerating the relationship calling me his perfect woman and his dream girl then literally overnight he decides to end the relationship. I was blind sided and didnt see it coming. His excuse was I was better than him and he still needed to find him self as a man (36 years old by the way). He also said I had all the success he wanted and hated he wasnt there yet in his career. After the breakup, we kept in contact via phone for a month. After a month, he started asking me to hang out. We started hanging out for a few weeks then he asked to be in a relationship with me again. I was shocked again and asked him but what about all the excuses you gave for breaking up with me the first time. He said oh I was just testing you to see if you really liked me. I said you know I really liked you because we had excellent communication and my actions showed I liked you. He kept saying he could see me long term and having a future with me which he has always said. I told him I would be going out of town for the weekend and would make my decision after I got back. He said ok but proceeded to start acting like I had already said yes. He was calling me babe again and messaging me frequently. The last night of my trip, he messages me saying he changed his mind again and doesnt want to be in relationship with me. Once again, just the day before, he was acting like we were already in a relationship. I told him that there seems to be something wrong with him and I am cutting off communications with him for a while until he can get his mind right. We didnt speak for 3 weeks, then he messages me about getting his clothes and shoes back that he left at my house. I sent his stuff via the mail. Then he says a movie that he watched reminded him of me. Then a week later he asks me a random question about do I know where the best place in our city to go do a certain activity. Now hes a smart guy and he could of googled that on his own. What does this random question mean?

    1. Chris Seiter

      April 19, 2019 at 8:53 pm

      HI Sally….I agree…he could have googled that info. So its likely he is testing how you might react, though with his flip flopping, its best to proceed slowly and stay true to your Plan…assuming you are implementing No Contact.

  18. Kristen

    April 19, 2019 at 8:49 am

    I had a 6-mo relationship with someone not forever-material. I sort of pushed him away and eventually, he left. I felt regret, tried to get him back but he felt I’d be too volatile.

    The last text I sent him was basically asking him again for a second chance. I told him he did not need to respond to the text.

    TWO DAYS LATER, late morning during work, I received a random text about an interesting tech piece they installed in his company lobby (it relates to my industry). We went back and forth a few times lightly, and then he stopped.

    Is this a guilt-text or a test-text? Could a man be such an idiot to think waiting two days after a breakup to “start a friendship” is a good idea? I know he wants to be on good terms. I’m sure he felt guilty for not responding to my pathetic text-plea for a second chance. He also has all the power. How could he not know that this move was terrible and confusing?

  19. Laurie

    March 28, 2019 at 9:32 pm

    The jist of my breakup is: My ex and I dated off and on for 2 years. We’d date for a 3 months he’d get in his head and break up. He’d date this stripper for a month and come back to me. I made him wait a year to prove he really wanted to be together. We dated for 7 months his family and I thought he was going to propose instead he pulled away and broke up with me. A month later he reached out to me for my birthday. We spent the whole day together and he had even got me a couple of things. He disappeared again for a month and a half. Reached out to me to “explain” and things went well for 2 weeks and he disappeared again and blocked me on Facebook. Turns out he went back to the stripper. His family at first was like she’s a rebound and stuff so I asked them not to bring him up if they wanted to remain friends. A week ago out of nowhere he text me asking why I went to see his parents (he knew a month ago that his parents and I had made plans). I text back nothing mean just “bye”. My friends say I’m a fool if I take him back. I flip flop on the idea of us getting back together. I don’t know what to do with him

  20. Elena

    January 3, 2019 at 3:12 pm

    Ok, sorry I am late for the party but never would I ever belive my ex (who emotionally destroyed me) will send me a text message.
    Referring to your article, it was a “test” message. He started with asking “how are you?” and then pretty quickly asked me to meet up the day after if I was free. I was reluctant and asked him why. He said he really wished to see me and talk to me. I said fine, let me know when. The next day he canceled saying that he had something that came up unexpectedy and couldn’t make it.

    The problem that I cannot find in your article is:
    1. He ended the relationship (very fast relationship of 3 months) and we never spoke ever since
    2. he texted me exactly 12 months after we last spoke.


    thank you for your reply I am losing my mind here.

    1. Chris Seiter

      January 3, 2019 at 11:15 pm

      Hi Elena!

      Some guys are just impulsive and put things out there to test the waters. Some guys play games. Some guys get scared that it won’t work out, and bail. Some are riddled with uncertainty.

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