If you want to understand why your ex is texting you after a breakup then there are 9 things that you need to take into account.
By looking at these 9 “motivations” you will get a clearer picture on why your ex insists on texting you.
Now, if you know anything about me then you’d know that I like to be very thorough in my articles. Heck, just take a look at my best selling book for evidence of that (hint: It’s maybe a little too thorough.)
Ultimately by the end of this article my intention is that you’ll have a clear understanding of exactly why your ex is texting you.
9 Reasons Why Your Ex Is Texting You
There are two main things you are going to want to take into account when trying to understand why your ex boyfriend is texting you and how to respond.
- First, consider if you are still in the middle of a no contact period. Take into account how long he has been sending you these unsolicited texts.
- Secondly, what indicators are you seeing that suggest your ex is behaving differently from how he usually responds to you?
Knowing these things will give you a backdrop of his mindset and motivations and will help you interpret his reasoning for texting you.
(Side Note: I go through this process a lot more in-depth in my book Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. So, if you are looking for a more in-depth explanation I’d encourage you to check that out.)
Remember, when you are in the no contact period, your ex is going to be feeling just as vulnerable as you are. So you might not hear from him for awhile. So don’t freak out if you don’t hear from him it’s actually quite common.
Now, one of the biggest benefits to owning a large website like this is I get access to a lot of data and it’s through that data that I am able to pinpoint the best methods to get an ex back. I’m also able to get insight into why people do the things that they do.
When it comes to the reasons for why an ex will text you after a breakup I have found that there are typically 9 things motivations that are consistent.
- Your ex is feeling guilt about what went down
- Loneliness may be pulling your ex down so they look to you to pull them up
- Your ex is bored
- Your ex may be fighting off their anger and resentment
- They want sex
- They miss you as a friend
- They want to see if you have given up and moved on
- It might be about the relationship
- They might actually want you back
Lets dissect these motivations one by one.
Reason #1: Your Ex Boyfriend Is Feeling Guilt About What Went Down
I’m going to start by talking about guilt
Your ex might text you if he is feeling guilty about the breakup. This kind of attempt to reach out is most common during the no-contact period and is usually only used if your ex-cheated on you, vanished without breaking up with you or did something really awful like calling off a wedding.
When you first receive this text, you may think to yourself why does my ex keep texting me, he broke up with me but keeps texting me like everything is normal. But you know things are far from normal. But you can’t help wonder what it might mean.
Guilty texts are generally not sent under normal relationship situations, but if there are breakup circumstances involved, then just know such texts are often sent by your ex as a way to clear his conscience. To make him feel less guilty. It’s a way for him to relieve those feelings that he did something wrong and hurt you and perhaps ruined his chances of getting you back.
So to get rid of his guilt, your ex boyfriend will feel compelled to right his wrong by reaching out to you with texts.
The sort of things your ex might say if he is feeling guilty are:-
- I am sorry
- You deserve better
- I wish I had never…..
Or if you are a visual learner,
Reason #2: Loneliness May Be The Pulling Your Ex Down So They Look To You To Pull Them Up
This again is most common during the no contact period, especially around the three or four week mark. How do I know this?
So, on top of having a ton of data to play with I also do one on one coaching with men and women every single week. One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of texts from exes seem to happen around weeks 3 to 4 during the no contact rule.
This is because your ex is used to speaking to you every day, suddenly when you are not talking all the time he is going to feel very lonely.
Your ex is going to miss the little texts you used to send to say “Good morning” or “How is your day?” especially if you dated for an extended period of time.
This type of text is unlikely if your ex is seeing someone new already as unfortunately your ex is probably going to text her when he is feeling lonely….
The good news is that if he is in a rebound relationship then he probably misses you a lot and the new girl is a distraction from the sadness he is feeling.
Sometimes these texts that your ex is sending you comes from a blended mess of feelings which involve both loneliness and guilt. As you can see, these post breakup periods can get complicated with all the emotions swirling causing your ex boyfriend to behave oddly and unpredictably.
Its a classic hot and cold kind of behavior that you might see from him as he tries to construct what he wants, but meanwhile he uses you to fill in his lonely gaps.
For more on hot and cold behavior watch the video below,
So if you want to know why your ex keeps texting you after he broke up with you, just know that more often than not, it is a combination of factors.
The sort of things your ex might say if he is feeling lonely are:-
- Whats up?
- Did I see you at…..
Reason #3: Your Ex Is Bored
This kind of text tends to happen after no contact. I bet you want to know why, right?
Well a lot of guys go into party mode straight after a breakup. Being single is exciting and he has this amazing vision of all the fun stuff he is going to do with his freedom. Once he has been out a few times, spent all his money and realized all his friends are in relationships, he is going to revert to the life he had before he met you.
Which includes (and is not limited to)
- Computer games
- Endless tinder rejection
- Eating takeout
And then after he goes through this stage, your ex boyfriend is going to sit up and notice, you are not there anymore. He will notice that it is not quite as fun without you. Now that thought of you being missing from his life has always been way in the back of his mind, buried in your ex’s subconscious.
But now since some time has gone by and all these familiar routines that use to involve you are clearly not involving you anymore. This is when these thoughts come to the front of his mind and he begins to realize he is bored, feeling a bit empty with you, his old girlfriend, not there.
This is the trigger of your ex boyfriend sending you a ” I am bored text”“. Boredom has a way of chipping away at his resentment and anger or whatever is there that was preventing him to reach out to you.
When this happens, he is going to remember how much more fun life was when you were around and he will send you a boredom text.
Now like everyone else, you may be heartened to get this text from your ex. You will likely think my ex just texted me, should I text him back? The short answer is not at first. First you will want to verify that your ex bf is truly bored. Watch for the tone of his next few texts? Does he seem equally bored?
Then ask yourself that if that is all you mean to him…a person who keeps him less bored…do you really want to respond. Probably not.
What If It’s a Text Triggered by a Rebound Relationship?
OK, so let’s change the scenario to something I see a lot with my coaching clients.
If your ex is dating someone new and you get this kind of text, it is usually a sign that his new girlfriend is already getting on his nerves and the relationship will not last. Your ex boyfriend actually might be getting bored of his new girlfriend, realizing how much more value and contentment you bring to his life.
I’m going to tell you that if I was seeing someone new, I definitely would not text an ex-girlfriend to chat….. that is a big dating no-no! But just know that some guy will do this, almost impulsively, so try to take in the entire picture of whether his texts rise to the level of deserving a reply.
Signs he is texting you out of boredom include:-
- He puts no effort into texting
- He has nothing interesting to say
- Doesn’t keep regular contact
- He only texts when he has nothing to do
- He texts but does not want to meet up
Reason #4: Your Ex May Be Fighting Off His Anger And Resentment
This kind of text is mostly likely to happen during no contact or immediately after you send your first text.
If he texts during no contact he is probably angry you are ignoring him and having a tantrum…. I know it’s so childish right?
If your ex texts you after the no contact period he might be responding this way to your first text as he is angry after the breakup, this is a sign that it is too soon after the breakup to text him as his feelings are still very raw.
It is also possible it is not so much anger that is bubbling up inside him, but a long simmering wave of resentment that your ex boyfriend has within him for you.
So when you ex boyfriend is holding on to lots of resentment for you, he has to find a release and sometimes it come out in these passive aggressive texts he will leave you.
It’s not like your ex is in a rage, nor is it an innocent like ex texted how are you. But rather he is holding on to something that happened and has not worked through it yet. So your ex boyfriend will find some way to convey some hostility, without being rude.
Is Your Ex Boyfriend Confusing You With His Texts?
Quite often you will find that if your ex-boyfriend sends you an angry text he will send you a kinder apology text hours or days later, this may even become a cycle until his feelings start to settle down.
Are you feeling confused yet? Is he doing this on purpose? Does he even know what he wants or is your ex boyfriend playing mind games to confuse you or throw you off the trail of what he really wants.
Your ex is most likely to text you out of anger if you cheated on him or if you were the one who initiated the breakup as he feels he lost the control in the relationship which from a guys perspective is pretty humiliating.
There is some good news hidden in here, if your ex texts you when he is annoyed or angry it means he still has feelings for you on some level.
Because hate is not the opposite of love; indifference is!
If your ex looks like he hates you, what it really shows is that they love you but feel upset and disappointed that you didn’t meet their high expectations for the relationship and now he is trying to punish you for it.
If you get an angry text it is a very easy one to identify.
- Signs you will want to look for are:-
- He will blame you for the breakup
- He seems upset
- He says he never wants to speak to you again
- He says he hates you
- He insults you
Reason #5: Your Ex Is Texting You For Sex
I’m sure you all know and hate this type of text…. It’s the booty call text
(Side Note: If you want to know my thoughts on this kind of text and exactly how you should handle getting it then I can’t recommend PRO enough for you. I have a whole section in there covering this exact scenario.)
Your ex is going to send you this kind of text when he wants to hook-up with you for sex.
I hear of these all the time. The girlfriend will be crushed because he ended it or perhaps they both agree to give each other some space. Sorta like a trial boyfriend and girlfriend separation. Then he will text her and she will be left wondering, “my ex just texted me should I text him back because he seems lonely, distraught, sad, in pain, or whatever it is that he wants you to think”.
But sometimes, when you peel back the your ex’s real intentions, he is playing the sympathy card in order to have sex. Remember, breaking up is painful act emotionally and physically. We are connected to our lovers in such a way that we are addicted in some ways and when we can’t have that dopamine release or whatever chemical cocktail is produced when we make love (think oxytocin), we are capable of doing anything to satisfy that urge.
Your boyfriend may be hungry for your body and you too might need that fix. So your ex boyfriend might text something that will create this sexual stirring and before you know it, you and he are having post breakup sex.
Don’t Become a Prisoner To Your Ex Boyfriend’s Sexual Urges
Be very careful here, if your ex-boyfriend wants to have sex it does not mean he wants to get back together and having sex with him is not going to make him fall back in love with you. I’ve talked about this many times before but having sex with your ex-boyfriend before you are fully back in the relationship is going to damage your chances of getting back together.
When you have sex with your ex outside of a relationship you will give show him that he doesn’t have to put in any effort with you, it will also make him believe you are the type of girl who sleeps with men casually. This is not an attractive quality to a guy….. Guys like getting casual sex but they don’t keeping girls who like casual sex!
If your ex-boyfriend sends you a booty call text it means that he still finds you physically attractive which is great news, but what you really want is emotional attraction if you are going to become his girlfriend again…
So remember the un-gettable girl doesn’t accept booty calls.
Signs that you ex-boyfriend wants to talk to you for sex are:-
- He only texts late at night
- He texts when he is drunk
- He is overly flirtatious or the text is sexual in nature
- He wants to swap naked pictures
- He asks you to come over to his place
Reason #6: They Miss You As A Friend
This type of text can happen either during or after the no-contact period.
Just because you have broken up doesn’t necessarily mean your ex hates you right now, sometimes you ex actually misses your company as you had a great friendship too.
I know what you are thinking, that this is great news and you should dive into being friends. I want you to be careful if you get this kind of text as you do not want to end up in the friend zone! The more friendly you are, the deeper into the friend zone you are going to get….
On the positive side though, from what I have found in one on one coaching calls with clients is that it is kind of rare though that a guy would put his ex-girlfriend permanently in the friend zone, I would only do that to a woman if I never found her attractive or viewed her like a sister.
If you had a physical relationship then I would say it’s unlikely that he no longer finds you physically attractive.
The main reason you are in the friendzone is that there is a lack of personality chemistry between you or that you are too available to him and there is no chase or challenge for your ex-boyfriend involved in winning you back.
Signs he misses you just as a friend include:-
- Your conversations are very factual
- He asks your advice on other women
- He texts you to complain about his problems
- He talks to you like one of the guys
- He says you are friends
- He tells you remind him of his sister/cousin/mother
Reason #7: He Wants To See If You Have Given Up and Moved On
This type of message can happen at any time but is most likely during no contact period as your ex-boyfriend will want to know if he is winning the breakup!
Basically he wants to see if he is moving on faster than you. He can’t stand not knowing so your ex boyfriend will send you a text or series of text messages to figure out whether you have given up on him.
Now part of this behavior could be due to your excellent work in your social media tactics to portray yourself as the Ungettable Girl and how you are turning around your life and living such a happy existence.
So your ex bf sees all this and gets this little crushing feeling each time he sees you smiling and having fun, getting along quite well without him. So in order to verify this, your ex will invariably put out some text message feelers to check on your real emotional status. In his mind, how could you be so happy, yet he feels so bad.
The only way for him to reconcile this disbelief in his mind is to text you, hoping to get a clue somehow about whether you still have any lingering feelings for him.
Know That Your Ex Boyfriend Might Be Trying To Nail You Down
You might also find you get this kind of text when you start dating again as he suddenly feels a sense of panic; you may also see this kind of text shortly after your ex starts dating again so that he can brag about how great his life is.
If he sends you this kind of text message, he is trying to boost his ego by seeing if you still care. A guy would really only send this kind of text if he still valued your opinion so it’s a reasonable indication that he still has feelings for you.
The motive for his text here is difficult to understand from one message, it could be that your ex would like to keep you as a fall back plan incase his current options don’t work out, it could be that he really misses you, or finally it could that he has feelings for you and wants to see if you might still feel the same.
Signs that he is trying to see if you have moved on are:-
- He asks if you are seeing someone
- He might try to make you jealous
- He mentions/checks your dating profile
- He starts a conversation but vanishes soon after
- He seems nervous
Reason #8: It Could be About Relationship Things You Both Have In Common
If you and your ex lived together, have joint bills or you owe each other money then your ex-boyfriend might text you to make some arrangements.
This is also the kind of text you might receive if you have children together as your ex may want to arrange child support payments or visitation rights etc.
If your ex send you this type of text, it is not great news…. It means that he currently sees the breakup situation as permanent.
If I wanted my ex-girlfriend back, I would try to postpone collecting my stuff or separating bills for as long as possible because I would be hoping that things will go back to how they used to be. Basically I would try and pretend to myself that the breakup wasn’t even happening!
This doesn’t mean that you can’t still get your ex back, it just means it is going to take a lot more effort and patience compared to some of the other situations.
Signs that you have received an administration text are:-
- He only talks about bills/money/the house
- He only wants to discuss the children
- He doesn’t want to meet up to talk face to face
Reason #9: Your Ex Boyfriend Might Actually Really Want You Back
I know this is the text you have all been excited to read about.
Actually this kind of text is sent by ex-boyfriends all the time I see it a lot in coaching sessions. It is very common for a guy to come to his senses when he realizes what he is missing after a breakup.
An ex-boyfriend can send this kind of text at any point during or after no contact.
Sometimes an ex will come to you during no contact and asks you directly to get back together, this tends to happen if you broke up because you had a big argument. Generally I find that an ex-boyfriend will be more cautious about wanting to get back together and will start by making small talk and then say they need to talk to you.
If your ex does want you back you will find that the frequency of texts he keeps sending will be high and he will spend a lot of time checking up on you via your friends, family and social media too.
Signs that your ex is sending you a text to get back together:-
- Asks about your day
- Mentions talking to your friends or family
- Talks about your Facebook or Instagram
- He asks to see you to talk
- Says he has a question to ask you
- He brings up inside jokes
- He calls you by your pet name
- He gives you compliments
- He asks to get back together
8 Frequently Asked Questions About Why Your Ex Boyfriend Leaves You Text Messages
Sometimes your ex is so wound up he will leave you all sorts of text messages causing you to be both bewildered and baffled, not knowing what to make of it or what to do. I get lots of questions from women on this topic of receiving texts from their ex boyfriends. So let me help you a bit with processing what might be your ex boyfriend’s motivation for sending it and what you should do.
FAQ 1: How long should I wait to talk to my ex after receiving a text from him after the breakup?
There is really no one stock answer because it depends on many variables such as how long the two of you were together and how good was the past history between the two of you to name a few. But generally if the breakup was harsh and bad feelings remain, then I would suggest waiting at least 30 days before reaching out or responding to any of his text messages.
FAQ 2: When an ex texts you, what does it mean when he says he made a mistake? Should I trust him?
Again, you need to be careful about rushing back into a relationship, particularly shortly after a breakup has occurred. Emotions are flying high and impulsive decision making can usually lead to more problems and a ratcheting up of more chaos. So it’s a good sign that your ex thinks he has made a mistake, but one should go it slow and not rush right back into the relationship. Take baby steps. Trust should be earned by your ex boyfriend, not freely awarded to him.
FAQ 3: My Ex Boyfriend Texted How Are You. What does it mean? How should I respond?
Don’t be so quick to assign meaning from any texts you receive from an ex, particularity if it arrives out of the blue. You could be doing a disservice to yourself. It could mean anything. He might just be checking up on you as a friend. He may be warming up to the idea of reopening the communications channel. He may be really wanting you back, but is afraid to say it outright. Or your ex boyfriend might have an evil streak in him and is just jerking your chain. It is better to stick to your plan and keep doing those things you should be doing as outlined in your No Contact Plan of a Action.
FAQ 4: Why does an ex text me after I told him to leave me alone?
Often it’s because he can’t let go. Like you, he should be going through his No Contact plan and focusing on self healing and becoming a better boyfriend for you. But often, your ex is just a prisoner to his emotions and can’t help himself. The urge to connect with you is so strong he will often ignore his better judgement and send you text after text, hoping and preying you might respond. There are other reasons too, but that is often the main driver of his behavior.
FAQ 5: He broke up with me but keeps texting me. Has he changed his mind?
It is possible your ex boyfriend is having second thoughts, but before you can conclude such a thing, you really need to see a bigger picture which should include phone conversations and meet-ups to confirm what he is thinking now and why he has had a change of heart. The last thing you want to do is have a rebound with your own ex boyfriend. Jumping right back into a toxic relationship, one in which neither of you have solved the core problems, is just asking for more trouble.
FAQ 6: When an ex texts you, what does it mean when he says he needs some space. Does he still love me?
It’s likely that your man just needs some down time. So don’t rush him. The worst thing you can do is get into his space because guys can get defensive and insecure if their girlfriend is pushing too hard. Your ex boyfriend values his freedom and he might have a lot going on in his mind that he can’t yet work out. So honor his request and see where it leads to before deciding your next move.
FAQ 7: My ex texted me and said I needed to text him back
Remember, you are no one’s puppet. In fact, in many cases, if you text him back like he insists you should, then you are playing right into his hands. He wants control, maybe far more than he deserves. So don’t give him control. This is certainly the case if you are in No Contact. Sure, if this is an emergency situation, then you certainly would want to communicate. Ask him if this is an emergency. See what he has to say.
FAQ 8: What are the reasons why your ex texts you all the time? He has a new girlfriend and I don’t know what he wants and am not sure if I should keep responding?
Often a former lover will reach out to you frequently just to keep tabs on you. Maybe you have moved on, but he has not fully accepted that yet. Or maybe he is trying to gauge your interest level in case this new girlfriend of his doesn’t work out. So often, its a way to keep the communication channel open and satisfy his curiosity about your availability. He also might still love you and is now having serious second thoughts. So lots of reasons can drive your ex boyfriend’s behavior. So what do you do if your ex keeps texting you week in and week out? If it creates anxiety or upset feelings, then ask your ex nicely if he would stop texting you.