If you want to understand why your ex is texting you after a breakup then there are 9 things that you need to take into account.

By looking at these 9 “motivations” you will get a clearer picture on why your ex insists on texting you.

Now, if you know anything about me then you’d know that I like to be very thorough in my articles. Heck, just take a look at my best selling book for evidence of that (hint: It’s maybe a little too thorough.)

Ultimately by the end of this article my intention is that you’ll have a clear understanding of exactly why your ex is texting you.

9 Reasons Why Your Ex Is Texting You

There are two main things you are going to want to take into account when trying to understand why your ex boyfriend is texting you and how to respond.

  1. First, consider if you are still in the middle of a no contact period.  Take into account how long he has been sending you these unsolicited texts.
  2. Secondly, what indicators are you seeing that suggest your ex is behaving differently from how he usually responds to you?

Knowing these things will give you a backdrop of his mindset and motivations and will help you interpret his reasoning for texting you.

(Side Note: I go through this process a lot more in-depth in my book Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. So, if you are looking for a more in-depth explanation I’d encourage you to check that out.)

Remember, when you are in the no contact period, your ex is going to be feeling just as vulnerable as you are.  So you might not hear from him for awhile.  So don’t freak out if you don’t hear from him it’s actually quite common.

Now, one of the biggest benefits to owning a large website like this is I get access to a lot of data and it’s through that data that I am able to pinpoint the best methods to get an ex back. I’m also able to get insight into why people do the things that they do.

When it comes to the reasons for why an ex will text you after a breakup I have found that there are typically 9 things motivations that are consistent.

  1. Your ex is feeling guilt about what went down
  2. Loneliness may be pulling your ex down so they look to you to pull them up
  3. Your ex is bored
  4. Your ex may be fighting off their anger and resentment
  5. They want sex
  6. They miss you as a friend
  7. They want to see if you have given up and moved on
  8. It might be about the relationship
  9. They might actually want you back

Lets dissect these motivations one by one.

Reason #1: Your Ex Boyfriend Is Feeling Guilt About What Went Down

I’m going to start by talking about guilt

Your ex might text you if he is feeling guilty about the breakup. This kind of attempt to reach out is most common during the no-contact period and is usually only used if your ex-cheated on you, vanished without breaking up with you or did something really awful like calling off a wedding.

When you first receive this text, you may think to yourself why does my ex keep texting me, he broke up with me but keeps texting me like everything is normal.  But you know things are far from normal.  But you can’t help wonder what it might mean.

Guilty texts are generally not sent under normal relationship situations, but if there are breakup circumstances involved, then just know such texts are often sent by your ex as a way to clear his conscience. To make him feel less guilty.  It’s a way for him to relieve those feelings that he did something wrong and hurt you and perhaps ruined his chances of getting you back.

So to get rid of his guilt, your ex boyfriend will feel compelled to right his wrong by reaching out to you with texts.

The sort of things your ex might say if he is feeling guilty are:-

  • I am sorry
  • You deserve better
  • I wish I had never…..

Or if you are a visual learner,

Reason #2: Loneliness May Be The Pulling Your Ex Down So They Look To You To Pull Them Up

This again is most common during the no contact period, especially around the three or four week mark. How do I know this?

So, on top of having a ton of data to play with I also do one on one coaching with men and women every single week. One thing I’ve noticed is that a lot of texts from exes seem to happen around weeks 3 to 4 during the no contact rule.

This is because your ex is used to speaking to you every day, suddenly when you are not talking all the time he is going to feel very lonely.

Your ex is going to miss the little texts you used to send to say “Good morning” or “How is your day?” especially if you dated for an extended period of time.

This type of text is unlikely if your ex is seeing someone new already as unfortunately your ex is probably going to text her when he is feeling lonely….

The good news is that if he is in a rebound relationship then he probably misses you a lot and the new girl is a distraction from the sadness he is feeling.

Sometimes these texts that your ex is sending you comes from a blended mess of feelings which involve both loneliness and guilt. As you can see, these post breakup periods can get complicated with all the emotions swirling causing your ex boyfriend to behave oddly and unpredictably.

Its a classic hot and cold kind of behavior that you might see from him as he tries to construct what he wants, but meanwhile he uses you to fill in his lonely gaps.

For more on hot and cold behavior watch the video below,

So if you want to know why your ex keeps texting you after he broke up with you, just know that more often than not, it is a combination of factors.

The sort of things your ex might say if he is feeling lonely are:-

  • Heyyyyyyy….
  • Whats up?
  • Did I see you at…..

Reason #3: Your Ex Is Bored

This kind of text tends to happen after no contact. I bet you want to know why, right?

Well a lot of guys go into party mode straight after a breakup. Being single is exciting and he has this amazing vision of all the fun stuff he is going to do with his freedom. Once he has been out a few times, spent all his money and realized all his friends are in relationships, he is going to revert to the life he had before he met you.

Which includes (and is not limited to)

  • TV
  • Computer games
  • Endless tinder rejection
  • Eating takeout
  • Work.

And then after he goes through this stage, your ex boyfriend is going to sit up and notice, you are not there anymore. He will notice that it is not quite as fun without you. Now that thought of you being missing from his life has always been way in the back of his mind, buried in your ex’s subconscious.

But now since some time has gone by and all these familiar routines that use to involve you are clearly not involving you anymore. This is when these thoughts come to the front of his mind and he begins to realize he is bored, feeling a bit empty with you, his old girlfriend, not there.

This is the trigger of your ex boyfriend sending you a ” I am bored text”.  Boredom has a way of chipping away at his resentment and anger or whatever is there that was preventing him to reach out to you.

When this happens, he is going to remember how much more fun life was when you were around and he will send you a boredom text.

Now like everyone else, you may be heartened to get this text from your ex.  You will likely think my ex just texted me, should I text him back?  The short answer is not at first.  First you will want to verify that your ex bf is truly bored.  Watch for the tone of his next few texts?  Does he seem equally bored?

Then ask yourself that if that is all you mean to him…a person who keeps him less bored…do you really want to respond.  Probably not.

What If It’s a Text Triggered by a Rebound Relationship?

OK, so let’s change the scenario to something I see a lot with my coaching clients.

If your ex is dating someone new and you get this kind of text, it is usually a sign that his new girlfriend is already getting on his nerves and the relationship will not last.  Your ex boyfriend actually might be getting bored of his new girlfriend, realizing how much more value and contentment you bring to his life.

I’m going to tell you that if I was seeing someone new, I definitely would not text an ex-girlfriend to chat….. that is a big dating no-no!  But just know that some guy will do this, almost impulsively, so try to take in the entire picture of whether his texts rise to the level of deserving a reply.

Signs he is texting you out of boredom include:-

  • He puts no effort into texting
  • He has nothing interesting to say
  • Doesn’t keep regular contact
  • He only texts when he has nothing to do
  • He texts but does not want to meet up

Reason #4: Your Ex May Be Fighting Off His Anger And Resentment

This kind of text is mostly likely to happen during no contact or immediately after you send your first text.

If he texts during no contact he is probably angry you are ignoring him and having a tantrum…. I know it’s so childish right?

If your ex texts you after the no contact period he might be responding this way to your first text as he is angry after the breakup, this is a sign that it is too soon after the breakup to text him as his feelings are still very raw.

It is also possible it is not so much anger that is bubbling up inside him, but a long simmering wave of resentment that your ex boyfriend has within him for you.

So when you ex boyfriend is holding on to lots of resentment for you, he has to find a release and sometimes it come out in these passive aggressive texts he will leave you.

It’s not like your ex is in a rage, nor is it an innocent like ex texted how are you.  But rather he is holding on to something that happened and has not worked through it yet.  So your ex boyfriend will find some way to convey some hostility, without being rude.

Is Your Ex Boyfriend Confusing You With His Texts?

Quite often you will find that if your ex-boyfriend sends you an angry text he will send you a kinder apology text hours or days later, this may even become a cycle until his feelings start to settle down.

Are you feeling confused yet?  Is he doing this on purpose?  Does he even know what he wants or is your ex boyfriend playing mind games to confuse you or throw you off the trail of what he really wants.

Your ex is most likely to text you out of anger if you cheated on him or if you were the one who initiated the breakup as he feels he lost the control in the relationship which from a guys perspective is pretty humiliating.

There is some good news hidden in here, if your ex texts you when he is annoyed or angry it means he still has feelings for you on some level.

Why?……

Because hate is not the opposite of love; indifference is!

If your ex looks like he hates you, what it really shows is that they love you but feel upset and disappointed that you didn’t meet their high expectations for the relationship and now he is trying to punish you for it.

If you get an angry text it is a very easy one to identify.

  • Signs you will want to look for are:-
  • He will blame you for the breakup
  • He seems upset
  • He says he never wants to speak to you again
  • He says he hates you
  • He insults you

Reason #5: Your Ex Is Texting You For Sex

I’m sure you all know and hate this type of text…. It’s the booty call text

(Side Note: If you want to know my thoughts on this kind of text and exactly how you should handle getting it then I can’t recommend PRO enough for you. I have a whole section in there covering this exact scenario.)

Your ex is going to send you this kind of text when he wants to hook-up with you for sex.

I hear of these all the time.  The girlfriend will be crushed because he ended it or perhaps they both agree to give each other some space.  Sorta like a trial boyfriend and girlfriend separation. Then he will text her and she will be left wondering, “my ex just texted me should I text him back because he seems lonely, distraught, sad, in pain, or whatever it is that he wants you to think”.

But sometimes, when you peel back the your ex’s real intentions, he is playing the sympathy card in order to have sex.  Remember, breaking up is painful act emotionally and physically.  We are connected to our lovers in such a way that we are addicted in some ways and when we can’t have that dopamine release or whatever chemical cocktail is produced when we make love (think oxytocin), we are capable of doing anything to satisfy that urge.

Your boyfriend may be hungry for your body and you too might need that fix.  So your ex boyfriend might text something that will create this sexual stirring and before you know it, you and he are having post breakup sex.

Don’t Become a Prisoner To Your Ex Boyfriend’s Sexual Urges

Be very careful here, if your ex-boyfriend wants to have sex it does not mean he wants to get back together and having sex with him is not going to make him fall back in love with you. I’ve talked about this many times before but having sex with your ex-boyfriend before you are fully back in the relationship is going to damage your chances of getting back together.

When you have sex with your ex outside of a relationship you will give show him that he doesn’t have to put in any effort with you, it will also make him believe you are the type of girl who sleeps with men casually. This is not an attractive quality to a guy….. Guys like getting casual sex but they don’t keeping girls who like casual sex!

If your ex-boyfriend sends you a booty call text it means that he still finds you physically attractive which is great news, but what you really want is emotional attraction if you are going to become his girlfriend again…

So remember the un-gettable girl doesn’t accept booty calls.

Signs that you ex-boyfriend wants to talk to you for sex are:-

  • He only texts late at night
  • He texts when he is drunk
  • He is overly flirtatious or the text is sexual in nature
  • He wants to swap naked pictures
  • He asks you to come over to his place

Reason #6: They Miss You As A Friend

This type of text can happen either during or after the no-contact period.

Just because you have broken up doesn’t necessarily mean your ex hates you right now, sometimes you ex actually misses your company as you had a great friendship too.

I know what you are thinking, that this is great news and you should dive into being friends. I want you to be careful if you get this kind of text as you do not want to end up in the friend zone! The more friendly you are, the deeper into the friend zone you are going to get….

On the positive side though, from what I have found in one on one coaching calls with clients is that it is kind of rare though that a guy would put his ex-girlfriend permanently in the friend zone, I would only do that to a woman if I never found her attractive or viewed her like a sister.

If you had a physical relationship then I would say it’s unlikely that he no longer finds you physically attractive.

The main reason you are in the friendzone is that there is a lack of personality chemistry between you or that you are too available to him and there is no chase or challenge for your ex-boyfriend involved in winning you back.

Signs he misses you just as a friend include:-

  • Your conversations are very factual
  • He asks your advice on other women
  • He texts you to complain about his problems
  • He talks to you like one of the guys
  • He says you are friends
  • He tells you remind him of his sister/cousin/mother

Reason #7: He Wants To See If You Have Given Up and Moved On  

This type of message can happen at any time but is most likely during no contact period as your ex-boyfriend will want to know if he is winning the breakup!

Basically he wants to see if he is moving on faster than you.  He can’t stand not knowing so your ex boyfriend will send you a text or series of text messages to figure out whether you have given up on him.

Now part of this behavior could be due to your excellent work in your social media tactics to portray yourself as the Ungettable Girl and how you are turning around your life and living such a happy existence.

So your ex bf sees all this and gets this little crushing feeling each time he sees you smiling and having fun, getting along quite well without him.  So in order to verify this, your ex will invariably put out some text message feelers to check on your real emotional status.  In his mind, how could you be so happy, yet he feels so bad.

The only way for him to reconcile this disbelief in his mind is to text you, hoping to get a clue somehow about whether you still have any lingering feelings for him.

Know That Your Ex Boyfriend Might Be Trying To Nail You Down

You might also find you get this kind of text when you start dating again as he suddenly feels a sense of panic; you may also see this kind of text shortly after your ex starts dating again so that he can brag about how great his life is.

If he sends you this kind of text message, he is trying to boost his ego by seeing if you still care. A guy would really only send this kind of text if he still valued your opinion so it’s a reasonable indication that he still has feelings for you.

The motive for his text here is difficult to understand from one message, it could be that your ex would like to keep you as a fall back plan incase his current options don’t work out, it could be that he really misses you, or finally it could that he has feelings for you and wants to see if you might still feel the same.

Signs that he is trying to see if you have moved on are:-

  • He asks if you are seeing someone
  • He might try to make you jealous
  • He mentions/checks your dating profile
  • He starts a conversation but vanishes soon after
  • He seems nervous

Reason #8: It Could be About Relationship Things You Both Have In Common

If you and your ex lived together, have joint bills or you owe each other money then your ex-boyfriend might text you to make some arrangements.

This is also the kind of text you might receive if you have children together as your ex may want to arrange child support payments or visitation rights etc.

If your ex send you this type of text, it is not great news…. It means that he currently sees the breakup situation as permanent.

If I wanted my ex-girlfriend back, I would try to postpone collecting my stuff or separating bills for as long as possible because I would be hoping that things will go back to how they used to be. Basically I would try and pretend to myself that the breakup wasn’t even happening!

This doesn’t mean that you can’t still get your ex back, it just means it is going to take a lot more effort and patience compared to some of the other situations.

Signs that you have received an administration text are:-

  • He only talks about bills/money/the house
  • He only wants to discuss the children
  • He doesn’t want to meet up to talk face to face

Reason #9: Your Ex Boyfriend Might Actually Really Want You Back 

I know this is the text you have all been excited to read about.

Actually this kind of text is sent by ex-boyfriends all the time I see it a lot in coaching sessions. It is very common for a guy to come to his senses when he realizes what he is missing after a breakup.

An ex-boyfriend can send this kind of text at any point during or after no contact.

Sometimes an ex will come to you during no contact and asks you directly to get back together, this tends to happen if you broke up because you had a big argument. Generally I find that an ex-boyfriend will be more cautious about wanting to get back together and will start by making small talk and then say they need to talk to you.

If your ex does want you back you will find that the frequency of texts he keeps sending will be high and he will spend a lot of time checking up on you via your friends, family and social media too.

Signs that your ex is sending you a text to get back together:-

  • Asks about your day
  • Mentions talking to your friends or family
  • Talks about your Facebook or Instagram
  • He asks to see you to talk
  • Says he has a question to ask you
  • He brings up inside jokes
  • He calls you by your pet name
  • He gives you compliments
  • He asks to get back together

8 Frequently Asked Questions About Why Your Ex Boyfriend Leaves You Text Messages

Sometimes your ex is so wound up he will leave you all sorts of text messages causing you to be both bewildered and baffled, not knowing what to make of it or what to do.  I get lots of questions from women on this topic of receiving texts from their ex boyfriends.  So let me help you a bit with processing what might be your ex boyfriend’s motivation for sending it and what you should do.

FAQ 1: How long should I wait to talk to my ex after receiving a text from him after the breakup?

There is really no one stock answer because it depends on many variables such as how long the two of you were together and how good was the past history between the two of you to name a few.  But generally if the breakup was harsh and bad feelings remain, then I would suggest waiting at least 30 days before reaching out or responding to any of his text messages.

FAQ 2: When an ex texts you, what does it mean when he says he made a mistake?  Should I trust him?

Again, you need to be careful about rushing back into a relationship, particularly shortly after a breakup has occurred. Emotions are flying high and impulsive decision making can usually lead to more problems and a ratcheting up of more chaos.  So it’s a good sign that your ex thinks he has made a mistake, but one should go it slow and not rush right back into the relationship. Take baby steps.  Trust should be earned by your ex boyfriend, not freely awarded to him.

FAQ 3: My Ex Boyfriend Texted How Are You.  What does it mean?  How should I respond?

Don’t be so quick to assign meaning from any texts you receive from an ex, particularity if it arrives out of the blue.  You could be doing a disservice to yourself. It could mean anything.  He might just be checking up on you as a friend.  He may be warming up to the idea of reopening the communications channel.  He may be really wanting you back, but is afraid to say it outright.  Or your ex boyfriend might have an evil streak in him and is just jerking your chain. It is better to stick to your plan and keep doing those things you should be doing as outlined in your No Contact Plan of a Action.

FAQ 4: Why does an ex text me after I told him to leave me alone?

Often it’s because he can’t let go.  Like you, he should be going through his No Contact plan and focusing on self healing and becoming a better boyfriend for you.  But often, your ex is just a prisoner to his emotions and can’t help himself.  The urge to connect with you is so strong he will often ignore his better judgement and send you text after text, hoping and preying you might respond.  There are other reasons too, but that is often the main driver of his behavior.

FAQ 5: He broke up with me but keeps texting me.  Has he changed his mind?

It is possible your ex boyfriend is having second thoughts, but before you can conclude such a thing, you really need to see a bigger picture which should include phone conversations and meet-ups to confirm what he is thinking now and why he has had a change of heart.  The last thing you want to do is have a rebound with your own ex boyfriend.  Jumping right back into a toxic relationship, one in which neither of you have solved the core problems, is just asking for more trouble.

FAQ 6: When an ex texts you, what does it mean when he says he needs some space.  Does he still love me?

It’s likely that your man just needs some down time.  So don’t rush him.  The worst thing you can do is get into his space because guys can get defensive and insecure if their girlfriend is pushing too hard.  Your ex boyfriend values his freedom and he might have a lot going on in his mind that he can’t yet work out.  So honor his request and see where it leads to before deciding your next move.

FAQ 7: My ex texted me and said I needed to text him back

Remember, you are no one’s puppet. In fact, in many cases, if you text him back like he insists you should, then you are playing right into his hands.  He wants control, maybe far more than he deserves.  So don’t give him control.  This is certainly the case if you are in No Contact.  Sure, if this is an emergency situation, then you certainly would want to communicate.  Ask him if this is an emergency.   See what he has to say.

FAQ 8: What are the reasons why your ex texts you all the time?  He has a new girlfriend and I don’t know what he wants and am not sure if I should keep responding?

Often a former lover will reach out to you frequently just to keep tabs on you.  Maybe you have moved on, but he has not fully accepted that yet. Or maybe he is trying to gauge your interest level in case this new girlfriend of his doesn’t work out.  So often, its a way to keep the communication channel open and satisfy his curiosity about your availability.  He also might still love you and is now having serious second thoughts.  So lots of reasons can drive your ex boyfriend’s behavior.  So what do you do if your ex keeps texting you week in and week out? If it creates anxiety or upset feelings, then ask your ex nicely if he would stop texting you.

166 thoughts on “9 Reasons For Why An Ex Will Text You After A Breakup”

  1. Avatar

    Melissa Vorster

    December 7, 2019 at 9:03 pm

    Hi,

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend about a week ago (but the feeling was mutual). This is our second break up since we started dating 2.5 years ago. The reason why we broke up was the fact that he started being really rude ad disrespectful towards me.
    We had a very nasty breakup and I haven’t spoken to him since.
    He keeps messaging me trying to pick a fight with me. He was even rude in these messages. I haven’t replied to any of it because of the no contact rule and I feel like we both need space to figure stuff out for ourselves.
    Why is he doing this?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 8, 2019 at 9:33 pm

      Hi Melissa, he is doing it for a reaction from you, and maybe he thinks that it isnt “over” and youll get back together. Keeping to your No Contact is the right thing to do as he needs to learn that you are not going to tolerate being spoken to like trash and he has to adjust if he wants to hear from you again. I would suggest that you do not break No Contact and reach out to him if you want to by the end of 45 days. I dont see him being too happy about being ignored at first but then he will start to assess why you are not speaking to him at this time.

  2. Avatar

    tarana sethia

    November 30, 2019 at 10:17 am

    hi my ex replies on my instagram stories quite offen, shares memes and also once he called me & its been 2 months after we broke up.He did the break up by saying he dont have any feelings left for me and it was a 1.5yr relationship.I want to know that what he want now by texting me is it friendship or relationship.please help me getting an answer.I’ll wait for your reply.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 1, 2019 at 12:49 am

      Have you completed a full No Contact? If not then you need to go 30 days without speaking to your ex at all. Do not reply to anything including phone calls and texts

  3. Avatar

    Inna Unguryan

    November 22, 2019 at 9:02 pm

    My ex boyfriend broke up with me a month ago, and later he keeps texting me asking me to come over. I’m confused, he told me he was going through a lot right now and now he’s texting me to come over? I don’t really reply to him back, and I don’t know what to do with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:49 pm

      Hi Inna stick with your NC and when it is over reach out as a friend but do not sleep with him unless you are back together as I feel he is trying to get a friends with benefits situation started here

  4. Avatar

    Shawna Battaglia

    November 5, 2019 at 2:27 pm

    I’m curious why my ex will text me, I’ll reply and then there are no more replies from him. So I assume it was just a moment of missing me and so I try to move on and work on myself. Then a few days later, I get another text again. Same thing. Ill reply and poof, hes gone! There was a text where he did express he was missing me and still loved me and he did respond to one of my responses, then dissapeared again. Most of the texts are about how he’s trying to get a job or how updates about his current ones. See, I broke up with him after 5 years for the 3rd time cause he has a drinking problem, always made excuses for why he wasn’t working or why he wasn’t trying to better himself. He basically lived off me for free for 5 years. No ambition, just laziness mixed in with drinking, weed and video games. I wanted to have kids with him, go and do things and have a life with him. He was struggling and even was going through a deep depression. He knows he was wrong and apologized to me. His whole family still loves me and says I’m still a part of the family. He messed up big time and he knows it. The other two times we broke up, I was the one trying to get him back, not him. So I’m very confused on these messages. I feel like he’s either just lonely and missing me or is wanting to eventually get back together so is giving me progress reports on how hes doing. Its just so weird. Its like someone giving me the weather report lol. But my biggest question is why text me then ignore me? I keep telling myself I’m not going to respond anymore. Then he sent that “I miss you and still love you” text. Now its back to work updates. I really am not sure what he wants from me. Oh, and they are not not drunk texts. Usually sent during the day or evening when he’s working or at his sisters.

  5. Avatar

    J

    October 31, 2019 at 3:49 pm

    Hey,
    What does it mean if my ex texted me after our second break up during NC? The break up wasn’t nice I was ghosted for a few days and he said it was an unhealthy/hard relationship from before the first break up and was just distancing himself up to the second Break up which was 6 months but we had no problems just a few misunderstandings. I made major improvements during our reconnection i definitely followed the UG rules but still got dumped again.
    There’s been some intense social media stalking and even looking at my friends pages… both texts were friendly and one offered to talk if needed but why bother now after saying horrible things? I have completed my NC rule but I feel as if I should wait for another message before talking again

  6. Avatar

    Annie

    October 21, 2019 at 12:39 am

    I dated my bf for about 10 months, he was a nice person and did nice things however at times i felt like being unvalued and he treated me bad,calling me names and disrespecting or judging me out of anger. He was also very family oriented and then soon after he started giving me less time and everything and at that point our relation was at stake.He mentioned that he will have to reduce everything he does for me cuz his fam is getting affected. Both our fams didnt know about our relation.
    Then one day, after he mentioned he will give me less of everything when in fact i felt like he needed to put more effort, I started begging for him to come back and fix it (stupid ik). Everytime we met, it was normal but we did fight A LOT during our relation. Cuz his culture and mentality were very different to mine. After he had said that we he will do less for me and I begged, I gave up on him cuz i was absolutely hurt. He had also out of anger called me names like ‘piece of shit’, ‘worthless’ and also hurt my feelings cuz he made fun and insulted me for not being able to do things upto standard for his family when I put effort with all my heart. (our fams were family friends but didnt know about us). After all this, I got extremely hurt and minimized contacting him. Then one day he came to meet me and we were both crying cuz we had argued. He started blaming me for not wiping off his tears and insulted me in the worst ways possible. I was crying too and so hurt, he kept saying things like ‘why did i ever love you’, ‘you dont deserve love or even my hatred’ and so much more. I walked away but still he kept following me and kept clapping, saying that stuff out loud for about 10 mins straight or til we talked 2 streets.
    But the point is that he always apologised for all his behaviour, sometimes it felt genuine but then he hasnt changed and doesnt want me. I know for sure that he loves me and cares for me, and at times he does so much and makes me feel so good, safe and special but other times I feel hurt by how unvalued and mistreated I am by him. And it would be most of the day during our relation that I would go to bed crying, hurt and I was the type of person who would always be happy.
    I had also changed for him so much cuz our cultural differences, I adapted to his lifestyle because he gave me an option of either changing myself (a bit- in terms of what i wear, how i talk and act) or he would leave me. I loved him the most and thus agreed to changing. Idm changing but in return i wanted to be appreciated, wanted and valued, ALL THE TIME!
    Anyways after the day that he mistreated me in person, I had stopped talking to him completely. He came again to meet me just to apologise and i met him to listen, i always gave him chances to speak and apologise throughout our relation. That same day, our fams found out somehow about us, and as our culture is pretty strict or Id rather say doesnt allow dating, they talked to his parents that I cant be with him and told him directly that he doesnt treat me right. I did understand it would get hard once fams find out and try to separate us, all I wanted was for him to stick by me so we could try and make it work long term, convincing our fams. But I was heartbroken and felt betrayed when he stated ‘nothing can happen, theres no future’ Ofc he had made promises and we knew there would be obstacles in the way, but I wanted him to fight for me and if not then atleast to me, he could’ve made it seem like he wants us to put effort and make it effort. But then again, even before all this happened, he had made up his mind of not giving me what he used to and do ‘less’ so I guess thats why… But at that point I realised not only he treated me bad MULTIPLE TIMES, UNVALUED ME but also doesnt want me or wont fight for me. He would still talk to me, meet me sometimes and then made me feel this way.So i stopped contacting him for a week (note- our fams knew but we were still in contact). he would blame me for ignoring when i did what i shouldve considering I feel betrayed when he ddint fight for me. You know how people say, words matter nothing but at that point his actions or even words proved alot to me.
    After not contacting him for a week, since I had strong feelings for him, i ended up talking to him and we were on and off, I was pissed at him and angry at what he did and would argue and he would get pissed. My intention was to make him realise and want me (FOOLISH). This went on for over a month until i decided to stop hurting each other, meet and if he left me i decided to stop expecting and chasing and instead of showing how hurt emotionally he made me and express my anger and hurt to him, I decided for us to meet, spend a good last time, apologise and thank for everything and part ways. Because I wanted to go into no contact period to make him realise how he left and treated me. But I didnt wanna do it straight after i had been sending angry texts to him so I wanted to say sorry if I had hurt him. Even he lowered contact but came to wish me when i graduated (one of the good qualities i was mentioning- he was a nice person after all).
    But then when we did meet and end properly, every time it ddint work, we would either argue or start missing the other and start the meeting on a new day. On one of these meetings, he blamed me for blocking him when I had deactivated my accounts so he doesnt get hurt if i block, and I deactivated cuz he hurt me by unfollowing me and posting ‘time to find myself again’. In return of not trying to hurt him, I deactivated so i dont have to see any of that and be hurt also ensuring that he doesnt get hurt. But once again, he HURT me deeply by all the blames me put. He used really bad words and said alot of stuff to hurt me. Another time, he blamed me for talking to guys and would find proofs to show me. However, i did not even have my phone (my parents had took it) to be doing any of that. He judged my character and love. he called me ‘fake; and said he doesnt love or respect me. But I got so hurt and fed up, i couldnt bare the insult. i finally wrote him a final email, explaining his proofs and how defended myself. And then said he tested enough of my patience ik i wanted to end properly so i said the sorrys and thank yous in the same email, also making it clear whatever he did was too much for me to move on. Currently, after that email , i havent contacted or seen him and Im planning on it if i can control, but I genuinely am trying to move on considering that he judged my character and love. He crossed all limits, the day after he said sorry if he hurt me,not clearly admitting that he went wrong or wants me back. i bet he doesnt, he only wanted me to keep in touch but it doesnt work that way for me And tbh I just dont want to handle more of what he does and says,i feel like he has crossed all dots. Its my 5th day of no contact and pretty much every day he said sorry, or tried some sort of communication. I am the type of person who overthinks everything and even tho i was the victim, i feel bad ignoring, hurting someone or not responding. And after all he did, i still love him deep down but i cant tolerate him treating me that way or disrespecting and judging me.

    WARNING: Ik im only saying all this from my perspective but i do know that i probs made mistakes too and hurt him at times too. Im not trying to portray myself as perfect and him as the bad guy, I did mention that he had good qualities and the fact that I fell in love with him, ofc I did think he was worth it,. I guess in terms of the relation itself, i dont feel like he valued me enough.
    Ik this is too much, but if someone can read and tell me if Im doing the right thing and what I need to continue with. Also just anaylze the overall breakup and relation and see where and how things went wrong because I feel confused and this overthinking just makes me anxious and hurt. Thank youu

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 21, 2019 at 8:48 pm

      Hi Annie, so yes this is form your perspective and he probably has his own so thats where we tell clients to look at themselves and be brutally honest about their own faults and work on those to improve themselves during the no contact. You need to stick with a complete nc and then plan your texts and what youre going to talk to him about whent he time comes. keeping conversations positive light and short and NOT mentioning the relationship or break up. Good Luck

  7. Avatar

    Jenny

    October 15, 2019 at 5:29 pm

    Hii!
    2 month ago My boyfriend broke up with me and gave me reason that relationship doesn’t work anymore because we had major terrible fights.He felt anxiety,depression because of our fights.I agree what he said,because in relationship I realize that i was so annoying, frustating and we were both blame each other , reminding his past biggest mistakes, i know that is also my fault so after breakup i was beg him to back in relationship but he doesn’t want relationship or committed to me. I am still trying to get him back also i gave him space and after a week over he is started talking to me everyday but not all the time.He asking me questions such as having food or taking medicines or reaching home, even he gives me fast replies, but i’m totally thinking about him all the time, because this is not first time ,one year ago we had breakup beacuse of the misunderstanding. I was waiting for one an half year for him on that times i was dating with him but he doesn’t want relationship. after so many days i decided to move on but that time he back to me and want relationship with me i forgive him and trust him again. when relationship get started again he is better person and win my trust back but after few months he is changing and i get frusted about his behaviour because of this we had fights, so this is confusing me.I still love him and want Our Healthy relationship Back, what should i do?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 8:34 pm

      Hi Jenny you start with No Contact for 30 days and work on yourself then read and read and read as many articles as you can, watch Chris’ youtube channels and get yourself prepared for how to text your ex and know how to handle the situation emotionally controlled

  8. Avatar

    alysia

    October 13, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    My long siatance realtioshoip bf broke up with me after 5yrs we met in a game and stuff. He was ending with me cuz he said its gonan be the same and stuff. we talked and he said he would think about taking me bakck whic ive been waiting for so i despaird cux itd too hard to deal with the pain cuz idk how to acr . Onces in a while his contacting me he even sad happy bday ion my fb which never happend before and nowe he conracted me a little over a motn agter asking me stuf and when he contacting me he ask some really personal stuff. And tell ask me if i got the moeny and say its nto costing alot and i dont haver any moeny cuz of a car repaiir i dont get alot of moeny each mth and i ased if he thought about me he never replayed. Each time i gto a hope of beig with him and i still got feeligns for him idk what he wants from em or his intersted in me which is really hard cuz its hard for me to move on. I enver got a clousre or anything. Idk what to do or he really wanna be with me cuz i really want to. So if someone could clearn it up and tell me whats going on ´.im ppretty introvated and stuff and when i was with him i was really happy and idk if i sohuld come there and whats onna happen. Each time i ask something i never get an answere it hard for me to move on and i keep comapire ohter ppl with him . Even if i gave him alot of money and stuff just being with him made he feel like i could do anything.
    i really wanan be with him and im same timein aceard of him contacting me its been 2 rs i think sinch he left me each he cotnacting me get hope.

  9. Avatar

    alana

    October 13, 2019 at 3:18 pm

    My long siatance realtioshoip bf broke up with me after 5yrs we met in a game and stuff. He was ending with me cuz he said its gonan be the same and stuff. we talked and he said he would think about taking me bakck whic ive been waiting for so i despaird cux itd too hard to deal with the pain cuz idk how to acr . Onces in a while his contacting me he even sad happy bday ion my fb which never happend before and nowe he conracted me a little over a motn agter asking me stuf and when he contacting me he ask some really personal stuff. And tell ask me if i got the moeny and say its nto costing alot and i dont haver any moeny cuz of a car repaiir i dont get alot of moeny each mth and i ased if he thought about me he never replayed. Each time i gto a hope of beig with him and i still got feeligns for him idk what he wants from em or his intersted in me which is really hard cuz its hard for me to move on. I enver got a clousre or anything. Idk what to do or he really wanna be with me cuz i really want to. So if someone could clearn it up and tell me whats going on ´.im ppretty introvated and stuff and when i was with him i was really happy and idk if i sohuld come there and whats onna happen. Each time i ask something i never get an answere it hard for me to move on and i keep comapire ohter ppl with him . Even if i gave him alot of money and stuff just being with him made he feel like i could do anything. idk what he sees me at and i idk what he sees me at now isk if im his friend his gf or just someone he wantd to talk with when his bored.its hard for me to move on or get together with him which i hope he always wants me or be with someone els czz i got feelingsr when im kinda talkign to someone but not happy with it

  10. Avatar

    Katie

    October 3, 2019 at 2:19 pm

    We were together for 3 years. He told me recently he’s extremely depressed and stressed out. He’s got emotional while expressing this to me. He said he needed space or a break to fix issues he is having with himself and to clear his mind. We lived together and I told him that’s fine I can give you space, I left and now staying with my sister. Problem I’m having is he asked for space but keeps texting me. I’m trying to give him NC but he’ll text me about work or his problems for the day, he’ll ask what I’m up to or how am I. It’s only a few random texts, whenever he has time. I’m trying not to respond quickly or look super available. He told me he still loves me and cares about me he just needs some time to himself. Do I just ignore him completely? Or do I just casually reply and be short with him? I don’t get what he wants from me. Please help!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 3, 2019 at 10:01 pm

      Hi Katie, so he said he needs some time to himself, give it to him. When we do NC we need to stick to it for it to be effective. Read all the materials here and get yourself to how the program works, and during your 30 day NC you work on being the best version of yourself so he regrets letting you go

  11. Avatar

    Kilah

    September 30, 2019 at 4:39 pm

    Hi my ex text me saying that he was sorry for being rude to me and I deserve someone nicer and who will treat me better and he thanked me for everything I did and said bye. What is he really trying to say is he really fine or is he in his feelings? I haven’t replied to him it’s been 2 weeks since I last saw / spoke to him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 1, 2019 at 8:08 pm

      Hi Kilah, by the sounds of it he is feeling guilty for his actions, its great you’ve not replied and dont! This shows you’re on his mind and the fact you don’t reply and finish your No Contact is going to work wonders if you do this right! Make sure you read up on how to complete it properly and how to be Ungettable

  12. Avatar

    Addy

    August 19, 2019 at 8:38 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I was seeing this man for about a month, introduced me to his friends, told me before he even asked me out he had told his mom about me, and he took my friends out to dinner. He was very open and great at communicating. Then out of the blue, he said he is too busy, and with his mother getting out of prison soon he can’t give me his “all”. He said he sees a future for us when things settle down though. He was just “too busy.” However, I see him while attending social events and out at the bars, same as me, every weekend – so ‘busy’ right?
    He saw me out Saturday night and texted me for the first time in a month: “Hey I hope you’re trip was incredible. I also hoped you enjoyed seeing your childhood best friend! Looks like the festival was awesome. You deserved that time.” Then 15 minutes later sent, “I’m sorry things have been weird between us, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say really, but I’ve wanted to ask how you’ve been doing. I really hope you’ve been well! I’m glad you’re having fun and enjoying life!! Be safe tonight!” I read them and haven’t responded.
    Is he trying to reconnect, or was he just lonely and thinks I am over him – since I didn’t look in his direction once the entire night? Should I leave it be and not respond, or should I start a conversation? Any advice would be incredible! Thank you for your time!

  13. Avatar

    Mj

    July 14, 2019 at 7:53 pm

    I went no contact for a year. I’ve awarded myself a medal . We had a yo yo relationship in the beginning, moved in together for a year or so. It ended over silliness and stress. He still kept texting but it stopped after 6 months , no action on his part but I think test texting. Another 6 months of quiet and now he is back . Full force. I responded after a while keeping it short and light. Now I’m getting his life updates every 3 to 4 days . If he wants me back he has to say it 100 percent , he has to act . I’ve realized I am not going to make it easy for him as he has to do the work to commit . He’s a man . So I sit back and watch. I leave days for a short response and sometimes none . I love how you place his wanting to get back at 8 and 9 . So many women think it’s 1 and 2 …… big mistake . Thanks for your blog , site info . I consider myself an honors student ‍ I will have it my way or the highway . If he’s not working hard to get you back he is not being the man he is supposed to . Men are hunters those who are not see you as a crutch and are missing that man factor essential to bringing out the woman in you . I don’t kw if you’d agree but I heard once that when dealing with a man everything you would do as a woman , reverse it . Do the opposite of what as a woman you are wired to think that a man really needs . Sounds like a game of chess but really I think it is 🙂

  14. Avatar

    Tamiya

    June 24, 2019 at 4:54 pm

    Hi Chris,

    So I dated a guy in only 2 weeks. He was insecure about… well his make-out skill, so he wanted to end our relationship and be just friends. I ended it officially.
    I don’t want him back, but he recently checked up on me with messages like: “hey i’m back”, I just replied out of courtesy but then he left me on read. 1-2 days later, he was back with “well I see someone just unfriended me”, I answered “Please, only talk to me if you have anything important to say. Don’t bother me.” Then he said: “You know, women like you always make my heart sink.”
    I didn’t reply, but I’m confused. Why must he sometimes check up on me and all that since I’ve made myself clear before leaving?
    It wasn’t a serious relationship. I’m trying to move on, but his action keeps pulling me back.

    Anything could help, thank you in advance.

  15. Avatar

    Sar

    June 9, 2019 at 8:19 pm

    Hi Chris, my Ex text me a week after breaking up and one week into NC. He sent one text asking how I was – to which I didn’t reply to. Then another after saying he was sorry and he didn’t want to end this way. What do you think he means? We were together for over two years.

  16. Avatar

    Karen

    May 19, 2019 at 8:30 am

    Hi Chris, any help you can offer me will be amazing. I broke up with my ex after long distance dating of 2 1/2 years. I am 48 he is 50. I instigated the break up due to what I felt was lack of commitment and where we were going. We live 2 hours driving apart. He has children, I have children. I love him and just wanted a little more. We had a great relationship and were great together. He was in the Navy for 28 years and used to long distance relationships, so for him the whole thing was easier. After 24 hours of the break up I realised I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and was devastated. I was an emotional wreck . I texted him and pleaded to talk , he responded very coldly and cut me dead. Next weekend we had tickets for a concert he bought me for my birthday, he has said he would like to go with me, even though he says he can’t be the person that I want in my life, but he still loves me and cares. What do I do ?
    I want him back . I will wait and work through what ever it takes. He enhanced my life and made it the best it could be .
    Any advice will be so grateful xxxx

  17. Avatar

    Maria

    May 12, 2019 at 8:19 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I met online and have been in a long distance relationship for a couple of months and have met up a few times when we were together. When I really needed him, and he knew that, he ghosted me for days (leaving me on read) until I got in contact with one of his friends. Only then, he angrily messaged me back telling me I shouldn’t have done it and broke things off with me, saying he didn’t care and he couldn’t deal with me or the issues in my life. After the whole ordeal, I basically wished him well and thanked him for a great couple of months before saying goodbye and thought that would be that. This was all done over text. It’s only been 2 days after the break up and he’s messaged me asking if I’m alright. I haven’t responded but I’m confused as to what he’s thinking and what his intentions are. I’d appreciate your thoughts and advice!

    Maria x

  18. Avatar

    Helen

    May 2, 2019 at 11:19 pm

    Can I please have a private email or does everything have to be posted. I have a very confusing situation in the no contact zone. I would like to know if I can get private advice.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      May 3, 2019 at 5:37 pm

      Hi Helen….probably best then to go to the bottom of any post and click on the “Contact” link and your message will go to my support email.

  19. Avatar

    Noname

    April 29, 2019 at 10:02 am

    Me and my x bf we are break up a month ago. He leaves me without talked anything. He blocked me from social media. 6 days after he has blocked me I tried to text him but he say all done and he said that he really hates me and I’m very confused what I have done so he hates me. He leaves me but why he blames me. I was thinking maybe he lies to me but makes this situation like I made him angry because of my fault. 2 weeks after he blocked me I saw he unblock me but he didn’t text me anything and I pretend I didn’t know he unblocks me.
    Last Friday this month He texts me and I reply to him but I said that I didn’t save his number and I asked him who are you, and why you text me but he answers me I’m X and nothing. I’m very confused he texts me but he didn’t want to tell anything so after that I say Ok Good Night. 7 minute after he also says goodnight to me he text me back and say we can talk sometime if you want. And I reply to him no I’m Ok and I don’t have something to say. And he reply to me again if you have something we can. So I was thinking why he texts me like that after he blocked for so long and text me like I can’t move on and want to text with him. I was very angry and tell him no reason to text you again. And after that he Gone until today. I just want to know why he texts me like that like push me to talk with him

  20. Avatar

    Bruce

    April 25, 2019 at 8:25 pm

    My ex and I broke up 2 weeks ago and she posting her new boyfriend on social media but the problem is that she always text me day by day but not opening a topic and she also put her new relationship on social media so wat does that means I’m lost???

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