This is going to be one of the most important articles ever written for Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
Because no matter what your situation may be you need to learn how to keep a conversation going with your ex boyfriend if you want to have any chance of getting him back.
About a week ago I received a question from a visitor in the comments section here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery that went something like this,
Hi Chris, I absolutely love your website and everything you do for women. I have a question. I have no trouble getting my ex boyfriend to respond to my texts but I can’t seem to keep a conversation going with him. I am really worried I may be missing my opportunity.
Now that is what I like to call a “good question.”
Oh, and in case you are wondering there is such a thing as a bad question.
Bad Question = Can I contact my ex during his birthday if it falls under the no contact rule?
Recently I have been having my wife help me with the comments section of this website so we can both help more women in need but any time either of us see this question we both roll our eyes and shout,
“Here’s another one…”
By the way…
The answer is NOOOOOOOO.
Anyways, I got a little off track there.
I want this article to be something special.
Actually I want everything I write to be special but I promise you that I am going to really go above and beyond for you here.
And I suppose the logical place to start is with the three types of conversations you are going to be attempting with your ex boyfriend.
The Three Types Of Conversations You Will Be Attempting
However, I want to give you quality information here so what you are about to read is the equivalent of a paid product.
There are three types of conversations that you will have with your ex boyfriend during the course of your campaign to get him back.
So, the three types of conversations are,
- Phone Calls
- Face To Face
Now, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the way we communicate and the type of conversations that we have within these three types are unique to each of them. What I would like to do is teach you how to keep a conversations going within each type but in order to do that we have to lay a foundation of what we are trying to accomplish in each conversation.
Rather than ramble on and on lets just get right to it.
CONVERSATION TYPE #1 – Texting
As you learned in my Texting Bible and last week the goal of texting is actually quite simple.
The Goal Of Texting- To eventually talk to him on the phone.
Of course, I explained that in order to do that attraction and rapport has to be built.
That’s where keeping a conversation going comes into play.
How do you keep a conversation going on arguably the most difficult medium to keep a conversation going?
I know what you are thinking.
“But wait… What do you mean texting is the hardest medium to keep a conversation going in?”
Allow me to explain.
Lets pretend that you and I are texting back and forth at a pretty good clip.
You are holding my interest and I am holding yours.
But then the conversation starts to waver a bit.
Eventually you send me a text message that bores me and I decide that I don’t want to text back.
That act right there…
Me just deciding not to respond because I got bored kills the conversation. This isn’t as easy to do on the phone. I mean, if someone asks you a question on the phone they expect a response. You can’t just sit there on a phone and not respond. The same goes if you are sitting face to face with the person.
It’s not like you can just magically disappear from a conversation if the person you are talking to is right in front of you.
With texting though you can and that’s what makes it so difficult.
The State Of Texting An Ex Boyfriend Today
I am a bit older than the average reader of Ex Boyfriend Recovery.
My traffic analysis data tells me that the average age of the visitors who visit this website is about 23 years old.
(I am 26.)
Though I suppose when you look at things from a “generational” perspective I am talking to my generation here.
Which is what makes what I have to say next a little scary.
Our generation is dumber than a goldfish…
Ok, that’s not exactly a true statement but would you like to know something really scary.
The average attention span of a goldfish is 9 seconds
That’s not the scary part though… this is,
The average attention span of a human in 2015 is 8.25 seconds
Now, you may be wondering why I was mentioning all that “generation” talk above.
Well, back in the year 2000 the average attention span of a human being was 12 seconds.
It’s funny… as I was just writing this it didn’t take me more than five seconds before I clicked over into another window to check my email… and then to check my E-Book sales… and then back to my email again… and then I realized what I was doing and thought that I would tell you about it so I clicked back to write this paragraph.
(I think my average attention span is more like five seconds.)
Now, I truthfully don’t know if it’s our generations fault.
It is awfully easy to blame us though since we have become accustomed to so many things that our parents and their parents before them didn’t have.
- The internet…
- Smart phones…
- Video games…
The list goes on and on.
What’s the point of me telling you all of this.
Well, when you are having a conversation with your ex boyfriend you will be essentially having a conversation with a man who has the attention span of a goldfish.
There will be a lot of distractions and a lot of easy ways for him to duck out of the conversation and that’s why texting has become so difficult.
BUT I think I have an idea you will dig.
Our Attention Spans Last Longer Than 8 Seconds In One Place Don’t They?
What’s your favorite movie?
Speaking personally I don’t have one…
There are way too many incredible ones to choose from.
So basically I love any movie that makes me feel emotional.
Let me think of the last time I felt that way in a movie and we can use that I suppose…
Yup, that was the last movie that made me go,
“Holy sh*t… This is incredible.”
The incredible scope…
It was just a great movie.
What’s the point of telling you this?
Easy, when I was watching “Interstellar” my attention span was not 8 seconds. It was more like ten minutes.
(And I only say ten minutes because my attention probably got distracted at one point by my brother fidgeting in the chair next to me…)
But even at ten minutes that is an incredible difference between 8 seconds.
So, what if I told you that the best way to keep a conversation going with your ex boyfriend is to treat every interaction with him like a movie.
Now I know what you are thinking.
“Ok….. How would that even work?”
The Movie Texting Conversation Method
If you haven’t already read my book on texting, The Texting Bible I suggest you grab that because that will explain what I am talking about here in a much more in-depth manner but I am going to do my best for you.
So, when you text your ex boyfriend there are a few things that need to be accomplished.
- Every text you send needs to have a purpose and fit into the greater “story arc” that you are going to tell.
- Every text needs to be interesting enough to NOT cause your ex boyfriend to lose attention which is challenging due to his fish like attention span.
Lets talk about this idea of a “story arc” first.
Every movie, good or bad, has a plot to it.
It tells a story.
And there is a beginning, a middle and an end.
Thus, I want your entire conversation with your ex boyfriend to fit into a story arc…
This story arc,
So, you have the opening (which leads to) a rising action (which leads to) a climax (which leads to a resolution.)
When you are texting your ex boyfriend every text that you send needs to have a purpose. I said that above, right?
Well, what I mean by that is every text you send needs to fit into one of these categories.
Let me explain the categories a little bit better for you.
Every good story needs to have an epic opening.
What’s an example?
Let’s use Batman for this.
Specifically, “The Dark Knight.”
Do you remember how that movie opened?
It opened with a gang of bank robbers robbing the bank… with a little twist.
Every bank robber had instructions to kill another bank robber until there was one bank robber left… The Joker.
This opening captivated audiences and I remember my own Father was raving about this scene.
Well, the equivalent of a great opening in a movie is a great opening with a first contact text which you can learn about here.
Let’s move on to the rising action.
The dictionary defines rising action as,
A related series of incidents in a literary plot that build toward the point of greatest interest.
So, in “The Dark Knight” the incidents that make up “the rising action” are,
- The Mob hires the Joker to kill the Batman
- The Joker starts killing people to lure Batman out
- Batman starts to cave to the pressure and decides to turn himself in
- Harvey Dent takes the Batman’s place
- The Joker is captured
- This Scene…
- The Joker captures Harvey Dent & Rachel Dawes
Essentially the rising action is all the things that are done to lead things to the ultimate climax
So, what is the rising action when it comes to texting an ex boyfriend?
Well, it’s all the things that are done to build attraction and rapport. I talked a lot about this last week and obviously in the bible.
So, if you want a more in-depth explanation make sure you go there.
Let’s move on to the climax.
This is where things start to get fun.
The climax is defined as,
The most intense, exciting, or important point of something; a culmination or apex.
Lets turn to Batman again for our explanation of the climax.
Personally speaking I think the most intense and exciting event of “The Dark Knight” is the interrogation scene but that’s not the actual climax.
The actual climax is this scene,
I know the gif image above is kind of dark but it’s the best one I could find.
The climax is basically the scene where Rachel Dawes blows up and dies.
Everything after that point is how the characters deal with it.
So, what is the climax when it comes to texting your ex boyfriend.
It’s… kind of complicated.
In order to understand it you need to understand the phone call transition text.
What Is The Phone Call Transition Text?
It’s basically a special text you send that allows you to go from texting your ex boyfriend to talking on the phone with him.
The premise goes like this.
You start a really interesting story,
One that really catches his interest and then right before you finish the story you send him a text like this,
Do you know where the climax is?
It’s right here,
This is basically the most intense, exciting and important point of texting your ex boyfriend.
Because it’s the moment that you are really going to decide if you can transition from texting to talking on the phone.
Oh, there is one final thing to cover.
The resolution is defined as,
The part of the story’s plot line in which the problem of the story is resolved or worked out.
In The Dark Knight the resolution of the film occurs after Rachel’s death as we see how Harvey Dent and Bruce Wayne deal with it.
Harvey Dent ends up going insane and starts killing people as he turned into Two Face,
Bruce Wayne ends up being depressed about Rachel’s death but ultimately stands as a true hero for Gotham by pretending like he murdered all the people that Dent murdered and even killed Harvey Dent. By doing this he paints Harvey Dent as a true hero while he becomes a villain. Ultimately he achieves peace in Gotham by doing this. Well, at least until the next movie.
So, what is the resolution when it comes to texting an ex boyfriend?
Again, I want to turn to the phone call transition text.
Specifically this one,
Here the resolution occurs at the point where you ask if you can talk to your ex boyfriend on the phone.
In other words, we are trying to resolve the entire texting story arc we have been working on.
The moment really hinges on whether he says yes or no but assuming you make it this far it is really rare to get a no.
So, lets look at exactly what the texting story arc should look like on a large scale.
Lets move on and talk about talking on the phone.
CONVERSATION TYPE #2- Phone Calls
Ah the phone call…
I have to say that this is probably what I am best at teaching.
Because it’s what I have the most experience with and I think I can attack this from a different angle that will make a few light bulbs go off on how you need to approach talking to your ex over the phone.
Now, before I really get started I have to mention that if you want a more in-depth discussion on the in’s and out’s of talking on the phone can can pick up my book, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO. But if you want to stick to what I am talking about here on this page then that is fine too.
(I just want to make sure you understand all of your options.)
Ok, this entire page is dedicated to helping women keep a conversation going with their exes. However, when it comes to talking on the phone to an ex it isn’t so much a function of keeping the conversation going but making sure there is another conversation.
What do I mean by that?
What’s more powerful in the relationship world?
Keeping a conversation going for an hour on the phone.
Having a second, third, fourth and fifth conversation five days in a row?
I think you know where my vote goes.
So, rather than teaching you what you need to do to keep a conversation going over the phone I am going to teach you something more powerful. I am going to teach you my method for guaranteeing that you get to talk to him again.
Being “In Tune” With A Phone Conversation
I want you to take a look at the graph I put together below,
Right now you don’t understand this graph is and that’s ok.
I am going to explain it.
But just know that what I teach you about this graph is very important for guaranteeing another phone conversation with your ex boyfriend.
Are you ready?
Ok, when you look at this graph there are three things that probably jump out to you.
- The graph plots themselves
- The “Quality” heading on the left
- The “Time” heading at the bottom
In essence, what this graph is telling us is that the longer the phone conversation goes on the conversation will eventually drop. Of course, before it drops the quality can go up and up and up.
It’s important to note that this graph is completely made up so just because I have a picture of this graph doesn’t mean that your conversation with your boyfriend over the phone is going to look like this.
The beauty of this world is that every person is unique and the same can be said about relationships.
No two relationships are ever the same.
Can they be similar?
So, if you were to put a chart on you and your exes phone conversation it might not look like this. However, for the purposes of education and understanding my teachings we are just going to assume that this is you and your exes phone conversation quality graph.
Lets dissect it a bit.
Point #1- The Excitement
You may be wondering why the graph starts above the lowest point.
That’s a good question.
It’s because in this hypothetical situation where you are talking to your ex on the phone you followed my advice with the transition text (the resolution.) In other words, your ex boyfriend is waiting to hear what you are going to say next and when your ex is on the edge of his seat that immediately bumps the conversation quality up a notch.
Now, from this point the conversation can only do one of two things.
Thing 1: Go up
Thing 2: Go down
Obviously if you looked at the graph you will see that the conversation dipped up slightly with point two.
Point #2- You Both Laugh Together About Something
What caused this obvious bump up in the graph?
Well, lets say that the two of you were talking about something funny and it made the both of you laugh.
Laughing together about something bumps the quality of conversation up even higher.
Because no matter how you slice it laughing makes a human being feel good.
And human beings LOVE things that make them feel good.
Of course, if you look at the grand scheme of things with the graph the next jump is the highest.
Point #3- Emotional “Good Feelings” Come Out
This is where the emotions start to come out.
What do I mean by that?
I mean that when you and your ex boyfriend are talking either he (or you) says something that makes the both of you feel really good about the conversation. Let me give you an example from my own personal life.
I will never forget the first time my wife called me “babe” over the phone.
It doesn’t seem like much but at the time we weren’t even dating yet and when she said it I was filled with all kinds of good feelings.
Of course, being the macho guy I am all I was thinking inside was,
“Holy crap that feels good… I can’t let her know. I need to be cool. How would a cool guy react to being called babe?”
Pretty funny, right?
Point #4- The High Point
It is clear that this is the highest point of the conversation.
This is really what this entire section on being “in touch” with a phone conversation is all about, locating the high point.
Women often ask me,
“Chris, how can I locate the high point of my conversation?”
It’s a good question.
The truth is, is that you will feel it.
I know it’s weird hearing me talk about feelings but this isn’t something that you can simply find without really being in touch with your own feelings.
The high point is marked by one thought,
“Wow, I don’t want this to end.”
The second you have had this thought in a phone conversation you have located the high point.
Of course, there is one more thing we need to talk about before I can start diving into what you should be doing when you find the high point.
Point #5- The Low Point
What’s that famous phrase?
When you are at the top there is only one place you can go… Down
The quality of a phone conversation is ever changing if you think it can stay at the top forever you have another thing coming.
I actually got this idea from two places.
Place #1 – My dad is always talking about the bookends of things. The beginning and the end.
Place #2 – A popular psychological principle called “The Peak-End Rule.”
So, what is the ending theory?
Well, the ending theory has to do with how you end your phone conversations.
Imagine that you are talking to your boyfriend on the phone and you locate the high point of the conversation.
Remember, that is here,
However, you give in to how good the conversation is and you decide to continue talking to your ex boyfriend until the conversation has dropped to it’s lowest point,
And you end the conversation here.
Well, this is where I would like to introduce you to something called,
“The Peak-End Rule.”
It basically states that human beings don’t remember things based on a “big picture” perspective. Instead, their memory looks at the peak of an experience and the end of an experience.
Let me give you an example using the quality of the conversation.
When your ex boyfriend thinks back on the phone conversation that the two of you had, according to the “peak-end rule” he is going to remember the peak of the conversation,
And the end of the conversation,
Now, the peak of the conversation doesn’t really need much work but that ending…
That is not going to do.
In order to guarantee that your ex boyfriend will want to talk to you on the phone we need to find a way to have a better ending.
So, here is what I am proposing.
Instead of waiting for the conversation to grow stale why not end at the peak?
In other words, why not end the conversation here,
This way that you are not only finding the peak but you are ending at the peak.
In other words, there is no greater place to end a conversation and when your ex boyfriend thinks back on the conversation he is going to be overwhelmed by all the emotion he feels.
BECAUSE NO ONE ENDS CONVERSATIONS AT THE PEAK.
Lets turn our attention to having a conversation in person.
CONVERSATION TYPE #3 – Face To Face
Truthfully I am going to teach you to employ the same type of ideas in the face to face interactions with your ex that I taught you in the “phone call” section but there are a few little extra “add ons” that we need to discuss first.
So, here is a quick rundown of what I am going to teach you about when dealing with a face to face conversation.
- The Peak-End Rule
- Understanding The Situations You Are In
I suppose the logical place to start is with “understanding the situation.”
Understanding The Situations You Are In
Face to face situations are… complicated.
Why do I say that?
Well, it’s because you are going to have different goals in your different interactions with your ex.
Now, generally speaking I have a three date rule before I recommend having the big talk about whether or not the two of you should get back together.
These three dates are as follows,
- The Small Get Together
- The “Semi” Date
- The Romantic Date
Now, what’s the point of having me tell you this?
Simple, keeping a conversation going in each of these three situations is going to be different.
Let me explain a bit more “in depth” for you.
The Small Get Together
The small get together would be something like grabbing a cup of coffee in the middle of the day.
The goal here isn’t to push your ex boyfriend too much with regards to your relationship status. It’s to simply build attraction. So, in order to keep the conversation going here I want you to utilize a lot of the rules I have laid out in The Texting Bible.
Now, I realize that The Texting Bible is a book full of texts but what I teach in it about building attraction is solid.
If you use the ideas there and convert them into an “in person” version then you should be well on your way.
The “Semi” Date
I am trying to think of the perfect example of the “semi” date.
Ok, I got it.
Think laser tag…
Seriously, it’s fun, intimate and people can debate whether or not it can be considered a real date or not.
The goal during this date is to have as much fun as possible.
Well, we are going to utilize a psychological principle that says,
Sexual attraction occurs with an increased frequency during states of strong emotion.
In other words, if we put your ex boyfriend in a situation where he is going to experience a lot of fun and excitement then that would fit the prerequisite of him being in a “state of strong emotion,” right?
Therefore his sexual attraction for you should increase.
So, while the first date was all about planting the seeds the metaphorical “attraction seeds” this date is about watering those seeds.
Lets move on to the final date.
The Romantic Date
I don’t need to spell this one out for you do I?
Romantic dinner on the beach…
Something else super romantic (I totally ran out of ideas haha.)
Anyways, the romantic date is where you are going to make your ultimate move for getting your ex boyfriend back.
Actually let me rephrase that.
This date is the date where you are setting the table for HIM to ask you to be his girlfriend again and if you did your job in the first two dates then this should be a cinch.
So, those are the three dates.
Now I want to look at where the peak-end rule fits into each of these dates (or IF it will fit into them.)
Face To Face Interactions And The Peak-End Rule
Above I talked about the three types of face to face interactions I want you to have with your ex boyfriend.
You are going to be utilizing the peak end rule in two of those interactions.
Care to take a guess at which ones?
Let me help you out,
The Peak-End rule is very powerful when used in person and if you time it right it can almost guarantee you another date with your ex boyfriend.
In other words, it’s all about timing.
When To Use PE (Peak End) During Date One
Remember that the overall goal is to build attraction.
Once you feel that you have done that then you can end the conversation immediately with your ex boyfriend.
Here is the thing though, I want you to end the conversation in a polite and believable way. Don’t get a friend to call you and pretend like someone has died.
When To use PE (Peak End) During Date Two
The same idea that applied in date one applies here.
You can only utilize PE once you feel you have completed your task and your task with this date is to create as much fun and excitement as possible.
Then I want you to leave your ex boyfriend wanting more!