Ok. Wow, that is one heck of a situation. It definitely did not go well and we’re going to talk about that and hopefully give you some understanding of what went wrong, what you could have done better, and what’s going on in his mind to make him act or say the things that he’s saying.
So, the first thing I want to do is commend you on the no contact rule. I know that’s a really difficult time to go through. The only thing that I can really–and you didn’t really mention anything about this. But the only thing that I can really advise on with the no contact rule, is ask you a simple question. What significant changes have happened? If you are the same version of yourself that you were during the relationship and you just ignored him for 30 days, that is actually not enough anymore with the no contact rule. We become a lot more advanced in our understanding of the no contact rule and what really works to get an ex back. And often times, personal growth and development has to happen during this time and period where you are ignoring your ex.
So, if you didn’t do anything like that and you approached him and tried to text him. We found that things tend not to go really well. Whereas if you have created a lot of personal growth and development during the no contact rule and then you text him, you’re in a much better frame of mind. You’re more confident and things just end up going better.
Now, you didn’t really talk much about that. Mostly, you were talking about your text message conversation that went horribly wrong. So, let’s talk a little bit about that.
The one thing I want you to understand here about texting is it’s almost like a little chess match and every single text you send gives you a piece of information. And based on that information that you get, it essentially informs your next move. So, if things are going well, then usually you know you need to pull back and retreat and try to figure something else out. If things are going good, then you know you can kind of keep advancing and the idea here is you want things to continue to go good, so you can kind of advance up the value chain.
Of course you wouldn’t be calling me if things went really well. Things went disastrously bad. So, here’s what I’m going to do. Four texts were sent here.
Text number 1 was you said, “I just drove past you in Glenroy. Hope you are well.”
To which he responds, “Glenroy? I think you got the wrong person.”
And then you wrote, which this is where things really started going wrong.
“Ooops, I could have sworn it was you. It kind of reminded me of the night I was in my bathrobe.”
And if you are watching this on Youtube. I just basically made love to the camera right there! Ok, and then he responds,
“Who the F is this?”
And that’s when you know, it really went wrong. So, I’m going to take you text by text and explain what you didn’t do right, what you did do right and what he’s thinking. So, let’s start with the first text.
So, I have written a lot about this on exboyfriend recovery and I’ve even done podcast episodes about it because this is really where women struggle the most. So, when women do the no contact rule, they’re ignoring their ex from 21-45 days. Any kind of time frame in between that. And after that I’d recommend, “Ok, now it’s time to text your ex” and then you have that ultimate question. “Well, what do I text him?” And this is something that women struggle with a lot.
So, you are definitely not alone in this Anonymous and you did make some mistakes here. So, you’re text was–your first text to him was, “I just drove past you in Glenroy. Hope you are well.”
Now, here’s the problem with that. Number 1, there’s nothing interesting about that. There’s nothing that makes him want to actively respond. Number 2, you didn’t follow my protocol on first contact text messages. So, let’s talk about this, your first contact text message, the first message that you basically text to your ex after the no contact rule, has to be interesting. It has to be so interesting that he’ll actively want to respond to you in a positive manner. And I’ve come with this really special protocol for doing this.
So, you’re going to utilize four things when you’re creating your text message. Your knowledge of your ex, so you’re going to play on to your knowledge of him. What does he like? What does he dislike? And you’re going to try to incorporate that into the text in some way, shape or form. And then number 2, a story. People, I found really respond well to stories. If you really want to connect with someone or build rapport with someone, telling a story is the way to go and generally if it’s a really interesting story, you’re going to get a really interesting response. So, right now we have two. You’re going to utilize the knowledge that you have of your ex already and incorporate it into a story.
Number 3 is you’re going to use an action phrase. So, you want to start off your text with, “Oh my god!” or, “You won’t believe what I just saw!” An action phrase like this, creates interest. And you want your ex boyfriend to be interested in what you have to say.
What is your first reaction when I say, “Oh my god! You’re not going to believe what I just saw!” Well, you’re first reaction is, “What did you see?” You want to know. It creates interest, intrigue and I would liken this kind of a pattern interrupt. So, a pattern interrupt is imagine that you were walking up to a group of friends. Ok? And this group of friends all knew each other and they were talking amongst themselves. And you were walking up and you were just trying to get into the middle of the conversation but everyone is talking amongst themselves and you really can’t get their attention onto you. Now, compare that when you walk up to them and then you do this, you snap. Immediately, they stop talking and they look directly at you. The action phrase is meant to do this,
“Oh my god! (snap) You’re not going to believe what I just saw (snap)! It’s snapping his attention to you and then you tell your story of which you of course you use your knowledge of him and then finally you’re going to tie in.
Now, this is really where it gets a little tricky. You’re going to say something like, “Yeah that was the first time you popped in my head in a while.”
Now, I realized, this is a little bit confusing so, I think it’s best if I do this in a cohesive manner.
So, imagine you decide to send this text to your exboyfriend. He’s a big fan of, let’s say Game of Thrones.
“You are not going to believe what I just saw.”
To which he responds, “What?”
“I just saw the most epic marathon of Game of Thrones and it totally reminded me of that time that I was at your house and we just binge watched the entire series. It was the first time I thought about you in a while.”
Now, this text is going to do a number of things. 1, you are intriguing him with the action phrase. You’re intriguing him with a pattern interrupt. Something that’s going to make him snap to attention and respond to you. Next, you’re going to tell a little quick story about the time you saw this really awesome Game of Thrones marathon on the television which you know, he’s a big Game of Thrones fan. And you’re going to bring him back into a memory, a good memory of when the two of binge watch it at his house. And then finally, you’re going to tie it back in to you where you’re going to say, “Yeah, it was the first time I thought about you in a while.”
Now, the important part of this tie in, the “It was the first time I thought about you in a while.” is the fact that you haven’t talked to him in a month ok? So, if you say that, he’s going to think, “Wait, you haven’t been thinking of me this entire time?” And that’s kind of where you want him. So, your text, your problem was, this is what you texted your ex. “I just drove past you in Glenroy. Hope you are well.” That is a normal text message.
We need to be more creative and have more thought. And of course he didn’t really respond to well to it. Let’s look at the second text. Now, his second text was, “Glenroy? I think you may have the wrong person.”
Now, remember what I said in the beginning of this episode how every single text message you get is a piece of information ok? Now, this is a vital piece of information. A piece of information that you ignored and this is where you really went wrong. Now, there’s nothing wrong with the fact that you went wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. All I want for you is to learn from the mistake. So, the piece of information that you didn’t pick up on is, someone who says, “Glenroy? I think you may have the wrong person.” is indicative of someone who doesn’t know who you are. So, usually and I know this really well because I got a new phone at the begging of the year and I’m always getting this phone calls from people wanting to speak to the previous owner of the phone. So, I’m getting text messages, phone calls, all for someone who isn’t me. It’s for someone who previously owned the phone ok?
And so, I am used to getting wrong numbers. So, I’m constantly saying, I think you may have the wrong person. This seems like that is what is happening here.
So, it seems to me like either he has blocked your number or erased your number so, he doesn’t know what your number looks like. He doesn’t have you in his phone anymore. This is a vital piece of information and it’s a piece of information that you didn’t pick up on. So, what’s the best play here? Well, let’s imagine that you got this piece of information. The mistake you made was you continued to go forward. What you should’ve done was retreated and come up with another game plan. That would be the smart way to approach it. The only thing, the only fly in the ointment so to speak is, every time you come up with a game plan, especially when you’re trying to get an ex back. A lot of things, a lot of variables will change and something won’t go according to your ultimate plan.
For example, things didn’t go according to your plan right here. You were expecting him to say something like–so, your first text was, “Hey, I just drove past you in Glenroy. Hope you are well.” And you were expecting him hopefully to say, “Oh, that’s so sweet. Thank you for thinking of me.” But you didn’t. He essentially gave you the response of, “Sigh, wrong number.”
Now, the smart move there is to retreat, regroup and come up with another game plan. You went forward and this is really where you made your biggest mistake. Your biggest mistake was with the third text message. Now, this third text message, I’m not quite sure what you were trying to accomplish but your third text message says, “Oops, could have sworn it was you.” Which it seems like you knew that the wrong number was prevalent but you decided to go forward anyways. So, you said, “Oops, could have sworn it was you. It reminded of that time I was in my bathrobe.”
Now, there’s a lot of mistakes here. I don’t know if you were trying to use some sort of jealous text or be flirty or sexual in nature or something but it didn’t play well. Often times, when you’re going to be try to be sexual in this nature, you need to have built up rapport. You wouldn’t try to ask someone on a first date to marry you? You would have to build up rapport, trust first. Same kind of thing goes with flirting and doing sexual messages like this ok? You need to build more rapport. So, essentially this was way too much way too soon. And the bathrobe, I really– it has to tie to what your’e talking about before. It’s out of left field. You were just saying, “Hey, I just saw you. I just drove past you in Glenroy.” And he just said, “No, you didn’t” And then you start talking about being in your bathrobe which is very sexual in nature.
Now, I understand, you were probably trying to be flirty and it’s often said that tears are a woman’s greatest weapon but sex is also a woman’s greatest weapon right? And I think you were trying to use that. You were trying to use that to your advantage and hopefully, get him to show some introspect. The things is, he didn’t. He responded very, very negatively which we’ll talk about one second. First things first, I want to explain to you why I would never recommend this text even if things were going well. So, first off, the sexual in nature texts, it’s really tricky because you have to have a lot of rapport built and I always think, especially with texts, it’s always kind of fun when you’re a little cheeky and a little flirtatious in nature. You’re being very kind of forward here with your bathrobe comment and believe it or not, it’s not the craziest thing I’ve ever seen a woman text to an ex but the bathrobe thing is so far out of left field. It would have made a little bit more sense if you are talking about bats and something like that where you could tie it in but this really had no place in the conversation and he didn’t respond well to it.
Let’s talk about that right now.
So, the 4th text that he sent you, the 4th in the string of texts that we are talking about here is, “Who the F is this?” except it wasn’t just F. It was the F U. You know what I’m saying, the cuss word. Alright, this is indicative of a man who has been angered ok? And creeped out. So, him being angry and creeped out by you is definitely not the reaction that you want him to have when you were texting. I always say, on the first contact text message, end the conversation when you get your chance ok? So, end the conversation first and soon. You want it to be a really short re-introduction to you and then the next day, you’ll start to kind of rebuild that rapport and then every subsequent day you’re going to slowly get deeper and deeper into texting him. You want to take things really slow at first and you probably would’ve continued to text him and that’s a mistake but he essentially cut the conversation off when he said, “Who the F is this?”.
Now, I want you to look at this from his perspective. Imagine that you got a text message from a stranger. Someone who you didn’t know who it was. And then you tried to explain to the person, “Hey I think you have the wrong number.” And the person just continues to go and get sexual in nature. Would that creep you out? Especially being a woman. I’m pretty sure you’d be a little creeped out. And that’s what he’s displaying here. He’s displaying someone who doesn’t know who he’s talking to, who just got really sexual, and it creeps him out. So, here’s what we can learn from this string of text messages.
Number 1, the first contact text message is vitally important and it’s something that you didn’t really do a great job of. The–I believe it was the, I drove past you in Glenroy. That really is not a great first contact text message.
Now, it’s not anything against you. I understand. A lot of women have issues with texting their exes. Especially, with that first contact text message. In fact, I’ve even recorded a podcast on how to conduct the first contact text message, a perfect one and you didn’t do that. And that’s where things started to go wrong and it spiraled down and you didn’t leave the conversation which again is something that you can correct. This are things that are correctable ok?
Now, his reaction to you is understandable. Don’t take it personally. I suppose the question that you’re wondering at this point is, “Do I have a chance?”
Your chances just took a massive hit. I am not going to lie to you. You only get so many chances at a first contact text message. I would say you get probably 2 or 3 chances tops. So, it’s a vitally important aspect and a lot of women fail when you get to this aspect. They’re expecting the no contact rule is supposed to do all the work for them but it doesn’t and it never will.
Yes, there will always be those outliers where all they have to do is ignore their ex for 30 days and bam! The ex comes back. But there’s no guarantee that that’s going to happen. So, if I was you, I would approach it like there’s no guarantee that that’s going to happen. Really work on your first contact text message. Now, do you have a chance? Getting back to my original point.
You still have a chance but it took a hit ok? Really what you can do is take the information that you have from this experience. You know that he doesn’t know who you are. So, to me that means he erased your number. He hasn’t blocked you because he blocked you, he wouldn’t have responded. He 20:04 probably of anger due to the break up which is an understandable reaction. I just told an embarrassing story on my last podcast episode where I did something like this ok?
So, take that information and with your first contact text message going forward, re-introduce yourself. Use your name. “Hey, it’s–if your name is Chloe–Chloe” and then weave it into your first contact text message because you have a vital piece of information. The fact that he has erased your number, he doesn’t know who this is ok? So, use that information that you have. Text messages is nothing but a chess match and then best players are the ones who win.
That’s going to do it for this episode of the ex boyfriend recovery podcast. Thank you for listening. I had a blast filming this and recording it. If you have any questions, please visit our website exboyfriendrecovery.com and ask a question there. We do our best to answer every single question and if you like this podcast and you want it to continue, I highly encourage you to go to Itunes and leave us a review. An honest one, that’s all we ask.
I really had a blast! Thanks!