The being there method is one of those strategies that I talk about a lot on this website, podcast and YouTube channel but I’ve never devoted a lot of resources to actually diving in-depth on what it is.

So, for the next few days that’s all I’m going to be doing.

First up I got coach Anna to do an hour long interview where we dissect every little thing about the being there method that you can think about.

Let’s just dive right in.

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Everything You Need To Know About “The Being There Method”

Chris Seiter:
All right, here we go. Today, we’re talking to my favorite person, it’s Coach Anna, who is literally the right hand woman to me. She’s the head coach of Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Girlfriend Recovery. Before we started recording, she told me something mind blowing and I still have trouble believing it.

Anna:
What?

Chris Seiter:
I still have trouble believing. It’s mind blowing to me. Basically, we’re going to be talking today about the being there method. We’ve been doing this whole thing about YouTube, being there method on the Facebook group and everything. But before we do that, she told me that she was tallying up how many people she’s gotten back together with her coaching. So far this year, she’s gotten a few hundred people back together.

Anna:
Yeah, probably close to 500 people.

Chris Seiter:
Let me put this in perspective for people, we probably have only had maybe this year, 600 to 700 people sign up for coaching. I think that’s probably … Yeah. I mean, it’s November, so you’re still not over, but that’s mind blowing to me, that success rate.

Anna:
[crosstalk 00:01:09] enrolling basis, right? I mean, just being coach doesn’t mean that you’re going to get your ex back right away.

Chris Seiter:
That’s true. Good point.

Anna:
Even though I coached, what? 700 people so far this year, whatever that is-

Chris Seiter:
New people, I’m not counting follow-up.

Anna:
Okay. Let’s just say 1,000, roughly 1,000.

Chris Seiter:
Okay.

Anna:
There are still people from last year and earlier on that are really seeing progress.

Chris Seiter:
That’s amazing. That’s staggering to me.

Anna:
And then obviously, there’s some … been engagements.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. And you were telling me you’ve even saved some marriages?

Anna:
Yeah. Quite a few marriages.

Chris Seiter:
And sometimes, even people, when they come to coaching for us, the focus almost sometimes shifts to not necessarily getting an expert, but almost like a life coaching type situation as well. So, even though we market ourselves as breakup coaches and coaches for breakups, we’re kind of a renaissance people. We do it all.

Anna:
Right. The key really, to getting an ex back or keeping your marriage intact is really working on yourself, being your best self and communicating as well as possible, as clearly as possible.

Chris Seiter:
We’re going to be talking today, and like I said, Anna is my favorite person in the world. But we’ve been talking for the longest time about redoing our methods on the being there method. We talk a lot about what the being there method is throughout our websites and our YouTube channel. I’ve even probably mentioned it a couple of times on the podcast. But one thing that we’ve been lacking is this is the go-to information that you need to know if you’re going to be coming and learning about the being there method and why it works, some of the issues people are having. But why don’t we quickly summarize for people who are just new to this, what the being there method is? What’s the general term definition we have for it?

Anna:
Well, to me … I mean, you’re the one who coined the phrase.

Chris Seiter:
I did, but I want to hear your take on it and then I’ll give my take on it.

Anna:
Well, for me, it is when your ex has a new partner, and you want to get that person back obviously. So, what you have to do is you have to deeply friend zone yourself, right?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. [crosstalk 00:03:46]

Anna:
Deeply friend zone yourself. And to me, what I’ve noticed for a lot of my being there method clients is that there are two elements to the being there method, one, which is your relationship with your ex. And then the second part is the new person’s perception of your relationship with your ex, and you can influence that in several ways. That’s essentially the crux of that. So, it is by strengthening the emotionally intimate connection you have with your ex, being a best friend, for example. What ends up happening is the new person somehow figures this out, because obviously, you’re going to know who your partner’s best friend is, they find out you’re the ex and it causes riffs in the relationship where ultimately, the new person asks the ex to choose between them or you. And what ultimately happens is there’s almost no human being on earth that I found who likes to be told what to do, much less a man, or even a woman, who they can be friends with.

Anna:
And so, that’s where the beauty of the being there method comes in. By being friends, there’s a bit of tension between the new person and your ex, where your ex doesn’t like to be told what to do or who to be friends with. And they say, look, if you look at our texts, whenever we hang out, it’s always in a group there’s nothing ever wrong. This person never says anything bad. Why can’t I be friends? What is wrong? The being there method. Choose.

Chris Seiter:
Choose. I love the way you said that, because that’s ultimately what it comes down to. It’s so counterintuitive too. There’s actually a movie called … my dad always made me watch it when I was a kid. I forgot the actor’s name. It’s an old movie, it’s called Being There. I didn’t come up with the being there method. I noticed it when I interviewed one of the success stories, I think Jen was consulting through private messaging on Facebook. I noticed that she did the exact opposite of what we usually would have recommended. She had much longer periods of no contact, she essentially friend zoned herself with her ex. Her ex had moved in with another woman and was living with the other woman, and she got him back, and this fascinated me. And so then, we started recommending it just in general to see how people … and it just kept working and working and working.

Chris Seiter:
And then I was like, well, what do we call this thing? For some reason, the image of that stupid movie kept coming into my head. And I was like, well, why don’t we call it the being there method? I just remember the guy, that’s too stupid. I think I did it an article or on a podcast or something like that, and it just stuck. Ungettable was the same way, by the way. I was just something like, I think I’ll call it this, but there’s no way that will stick, and then it became a thing. But it’s interesting because it’s so counterintuitive to what you would think.

Anna:
A lot of people tend to think, is it morally wrong? And it’s not, you’re being friends. I mean, why are you doing anything that would be unethical? Don’t do it.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I think it really becomes morally … There’s issues there if your ex is engaged to the new person, but you shouldn’t be trying to get your ex back if they’re engaged or married, unless you are married to your ex, like going through a separation or something. There’s a little bit differently. So, it is situational in that way. But I think the icky, morally wrong part gets where your ex begins to flirt with you and starts asking for sex or something like that. And then it devolves into cheating, but it also shows the kind of person your ex is if he has a new girlfriend and he’s trying to cheat on the new girlfriend with you, which can make you step back a little bit. And it had the foresight because she’s much more prepared than I am, to list out some of the questions that are the most asked questions we get about the being there method. We’re just going to go down and answer them.

Anna:
Oh, yeah. Okay. I originally started off with, there are two different parts to the being there method, right?

Chris Seiter:
Right. Correct.

Anna:
Really, your ex and the other person’s perception. One of the things that I get asked a lot is how do you be supportive to your ex without being an emotional crutch?

Chris Seiter:
Ooh, that’s a tough one. That’s a great question too. It’s always the ones that you don’t initially have a quick answer to that are the best questions to ask.

Anna:
Correct. Well, it’s actually a question I get a lot in coaching. What I often say is in this process, your ex has to earn the right to be a very good friend or best friend to you again. So, you should never mother or parent your ex, you’re not your ex’s savior or the person to come to the rescue, your ex needs to solve his or her own problems. And that’s the line. That’s how you make sure you’re not an emotional crutch.

Chris Seiter:
Just to make sure or decoded, it’s about listening, not solving, I guess is the simplistic way of-

Anna:
Correct. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
That’s a big problem, I think for a lot of people, because if you want your ex back, you want them back so badly, your brain tells you, well, if I solve this problem during my debt … it’s like, I can build some goodwill, but that’s almost never how it works. You just end up getting taken advantage of.

Anna:
Well, that’s the Benjamin Franklin effect.

Chris Seiter:
Benjamin Franklin effect.

Anna:
When the person who fulfills the favor feels more emotionally indebted than the other person than your ex towards you. So, if you’re solving your ex’s problem, you’re much more invested in your ex and the other way round.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. If you do a favor for your ex, you’re a lot more likely to do another favor for them than they are for you. That’s the Benjamin Franklin effect approach. Most of the questions I get around the being there method happen during Facebook lives. I’m trying to just riff on off the top of my head, but it’s usually something along the lines of Chris, I’m doing the being there method, it seems to be going well, and then he just pulls back do. Do you have that on your list? Sorry, I should just-

Anna:
I’m looking. [inaudible 00:10:46]. When you’re struggling to get your ex engaged in conversation or texting, what do you do? That’s basically that question.

Chris Seiter:
The situation would be, let’s pretend and I are dating, she’s trying to get me back-

Anna:
Oh, my God, [crosstalk 00:11:03] is going to kill.

Chris Seiter:
You’ll see samurai Jen coming out in the corner. But so, it would be we’re talking really well, and then all of a sudden, when things seem to be going really well, I just, all of a sudden pull back. I’m not engaged. How do you get me to re-engage?

Anna:
Well, again, what I tell a lot of my coaching clients is you need to look at the four elements of communicating with an ex, and very things. So, you want to pay attention to the following four elements, one, which is tone and environment, two is type of question, three is timing, and four is topic. Tone and environment are really important, especially in the being there method. What tone of voice are you using when you’re talking or texting? What is happening for your ex at the time of the interaction? A big mistake that I see quite often in the being there method is when my coaching client doesn’t have enough going on in his or her own life, or they’re not paying attention to their own trinity, they’re not dating, and therefore, they’re fixating on their ex.

Chris Seiter:
That’s almost like the obsessive aspect. That’s something I see a ton, especially … I think it’s just a widespread problem because you’re obsessing so much about this one person you want. The coinage I’ve done in my YouTube videos recently is you’re no longer the protagonist of your own life, they’re the protagonist of your life. And that’s not the way it’s supposed to be.

Anna:
That’s not the way it’s supposed to be. Something that I also tell clients is when the breakup occurred, your ex went from being your best friend to all the way down to just one level above an acquaintance, and so you need to treat that person as such. He needs to be privileged to be that close to you. So, when people say, well, he’s just dropped off from texting, another question I ask is, well, what’s happening with your timing? When are you texting? How much time has passed between your initiation? Because in the being there method, the period of time between you initiating a text is longer than normal. So, how long are you taking to respond to them? Often, what I find is that people are texting too often, and it’s making the ex uncomfortable.

Chris Seiter:
Especially with another person in the [crosstalk 00:13:29]. And sometimes that can work out for you. You time the text, sometimes you want the other woman to see, or the other guy to see that you’re texting, but also you got to understand, maybe that’s the reason you’re not getting responses. They’re like, I don’t want to get caught. And that’s fine, there’s nothing wrong with that, because it’s more about the connection that you build.

Anna:
Correct. Right.

Chris Seiter:
Which leads to topic … because I talked about the four things.

Anna:
Right, right, right.

Chris Seiter:
Also, another common mistake I see people make is that they’re asking too many transactional or superficial type questions, and they’re not having enough meaningful or interesting conversations.

Anna:
How would you define a meaningful conversation?

Chris Seiter:
I mean, I think anything, one where you’re asking for an opinion, like an advice or you know what his top interests are, and so you have a lengthy conversation about that. As opposed to, what did you eat for dinner, and did you-

Anna:
What’s the weather?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, or did you watch the Mandalorian?

Anna:
I have it. Do not spoil. I’m waiting for my dad to come visit.

Chris Seiter:
I mean, do you want my Disney plus login? I will totally give it to you.

Anna:
I’ve got Disney plus. I’ve got a five-year-old, I have to have Disney plus.

Chris Seiter:
Right. You do have to have it. Okay.

Anna:
I’ve been watching a lot of Frozen too lately. I don’t know why.

Chris Seiter:
I’ve seen every single Frozen, Frozen 2, and all of the stupid short films. So, I know all the characters and I know everything there is. I know every scene beat by beat. I’m tired of Frozen. And here, I can’t escape it, now you are-

Anna:
The Mandalorian. It’s really good.

Chris Seiter:
I only saw season one so far. I’m a fan of baby Yoda.

Anna:
Yeah. You will still be a fan of baby Yoda, although you’ll think that baby Yoda is a little bit of a douche sometimes.

Chris Seiter:
And this is a perfect example of a meaningful conversation actually. Because Anna knows how obsessive I am about [crosstalk 00:15:25], so she knows-

Anna:
Or I can talk to you about Buffy.

Chris Seiter:
Let’s talk about Buffy-

Anna:
Did you see that the character who played Willow said that she felt that spike was the better match?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I am a spike shipper by the way, even though I totally get what he did was super messed up. But it was the woman who won the Senate race, the black woman who won the Senate race, she’s a Buffy fan. She said, “Angel was perfect for Buffy when she was learning to become a woman, and then Spike was perfect when she had already become the woman.” Something about the power. I agree with that.

Anna:
Become the power. Yes, I agree with that.

Chris Seiter:
See, Anna knows how to have meaningful conversations because she knows my interests.

Anna:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
For some reason, I have this weird interest with Buffy. The funny thing about Buffy the Vampire Slayer is my little brother who’s 26, 27 now, he watched the whole series, and he was texting me the entire time. I was like, wait till you get to this part, wait till you get to this part, and he’s sold on it. Now, he’s gone through the depression that you have when you’ve got nothing left to watch. That’s an example of how to engage an ex in a meaningful conversation. Something that they care more about then themselves is a good thing to talk about.

Anna:
Yes. Yes.

Chris Seiter:
What else do you have on your magical list of being there questions?

Anna:
I mean, how do you handle physical attraction or any attempts by your ex be physical in any way?

Chris Seiter:
That’s really a good question. Actually, I was scrolling through the Facebook group before we were going to do this recording and someone literally … I don’t know if you saw it yet, but it’s amazing. It’s a perfect example. Someone had posted a screenshot of their ex. Now, they’re not trying to the being there method, but I think this is a good way of handling it, of their ex literally just out of the blue, texting them sex question mark. And she goes, what? And she goes, want to? And so, what’s interesting about the Facebook group is you get a lot of people who have thoughts. I thought one of the best ways to handle things like that is say, who is this? I think that’s the best way to handle it if you’re uncomfortable with it.

Anna:
Kind of like, new phone, who dis?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. Who is this? Right. I lost my number, who is this or something. But it’s a lot more effective, they think you deleted their number or blocked them or something. But as far as handling the physical attraction, that’s a tricky one because the being there method, usually you’re really attracted to the person. Is it a situation like that where they’re overstepping their boundaries?

Anna:
Well, I mean, in the being there method, you want basic level flirting.

Chris Seiter:
Right.

Anna:
And that basic level of flirting really is what … say that again. Sorry.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. There’s different levels to it. There’s basic level, and then there’s just more basic, then there’s the romantic level, and then there’s probably the sexual level.

Anna:
Right. And in the Facebook group, we have some documents about flirting. Remember one of our moderators did these wonderful lives on the different levels of flirting and how to flirt through the 11 lovers, or 11 ways to get your ex. Yeah. But when I think of basic level and the way we define it, at least in this program, is the witty banter, the back and forth, the compliments, you want the flirting to stop there. I mean, if we were to give a real life example, or just an example, probably the most you want to say is you’re cute, that’s it. You don’t want to go further than that. But you definitely want to be physically attractive always in front of your ex, but you also have to assert boundaries, I think. You want compliments, and if you’re meeting in person, I think occasional touches and hugs at most is all that you’re doing.

Chris Seiter:
What would you say, because there’s a lot of different levels to this question and it’s maybe for the outside listening in, maybe they don’t see it, but the way I’m looking at it is, where’s the line? You said, set boundaries, what if you have an ex say, I miss you or I love you. What do you say to that, specifically?

Anna:
Okay. If it’s an I miss you, I mean, be truthful. If you miss them too, say, I miss you too. But when it comes to I love you, that I would say, this is not a conversation we should be having.

Chris Seiter:
I think I would say, what about your girlfriend?

Anna:
Yeah. I mean, certainly you need to turn it around. If your ex attempts anything or says anything like that, you really should withdraw and say, you have a girlfriend or boyfriend, we should not be having this discussion. You have to assert a boundary. And so, if you’re in person, you either have to leave or you to make your ex leave, and just say, we’re not going to have this conversation because it’s completely inappropriate.

Chris Seiter:
What if you’re in person, and like you said, it’s okay to … light touches or hugs, playful touches, playful-

Anna:
Yeah, like you’re poking each other or whatever.

Chris Seiter:
Right. What if they try to kiss you? What if they try to advance things to something more? How do you handle that?

Anna:
I mean, you literally just have to pull back and say, that’s not where this is should be going.

Chris Seiter:
It’s always embarrassing from a guy’s perspective when that happens. I remember I was on a date a long, long time ago. Maybe I was in my early 20s, and I misread the situation, I tried to kiss the girl. But in my defense, she just kept staring at my eyes for literally a minute straight-

Anna:
You do have my advice.

Chris Seiter:
Thank you. You do too, but you have the fake contacts, so-

Anna:
I have fake contacts, and I mean, amethyst, so it makes my eyes look-

Chris Seiter:
It looks super good. That’s the first thing I said to her when i saw her.

Anna:
One of my gaming characters has eyes like this.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. See, that’s what it looks to me,. It looks like you’re a real life gaming character. Almost Cortana from Halo or something.

Anna:
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
That’s a horrible reference from … That dates me from back to Halo 1, Halo 2.

Anna:
Oh my God. But I know what games you are talking about, so [inaudible 00:22:07] well.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. But so what do you do if … because I’m thinking you said pull back, right?

Anna:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
The people who are listening are going to say, well, what if that hurts their feelings too much, and they stop trying? Have you seen that?

Anna:
I have not heard that, but you should be worried … I mean, what you’re trying to do is get your ex to be very physically attracted to you and very emotionally attracted. People want what they can’t have you. One the things that you talk about a lot is the Zeigarnik effect, right?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. The challenge with that is pronouncing it though.

Anna:
Honestly, the Zeigarnik effect is my favorite thing ever.

Chris Seiter:
I love that.

Anna:
I still do it on my husband, honestly. This is a great use of the Zeigarnik effect. If the person is going in for a kiss, you need to pull it away and not let them complete that action, because they’ll want to do it again. And that yearning for that will make them pursue you more, which will further drive the wedge between your ex and the new person. We want that feeling. So giving into it actually is not helpful to what you want to do in terms of reconciling with your ex. You must pull away because you want him or her to want it.

Chris Seiter:
I think this is an amazing point, because one thing that we have definitely seen a lot of is women who go the other route. They’ll sleep with their exes, they’ll make out what their exes, and it usually ends very poorly. Almost always.

Anna:
Always.

Chris Seiter:
We always tell people who come to us, do not sleep with your ex, do not sleep with your ex. And those who do usually understand why.

Anna:
Yeah. Because what you’re doing is when you pull away, or where you do not do finish the action or when you’re using this Zeigarnik effect, you’re making them want it more. When you allow them to complete it, you make them feel like it’s okay and they can do it again. They have no incentive to change at all.

Chris Seiter:
I think one important distinction to understand here is that there is a line where it becomes too much. This is more for people listening, who aren’t trying to do the being there method, because people are going to be listening to this with the podcast and YouTube and everything. I think another problem I do see as people who take the Zeigarnik effect way too seriously, they apply it to every level of what they’re trying to do. And sometimes if you do it too much, it can ruin someone’s incentive to even try it. It’s almost like you’re too ungettable. There needs to be a certain level of where you eventually need to give them what they’re seeking, not in the being there method, that’s a completely differently-

Anna:
Not the being there method. When you’re doing the regular ex recovery process, you want to be judicious or you want to use-

Chris Seiter:
Judicious is a good word.

Anna:
You want to use the Zeigarnik effect sparingly.

Chris Seiter:
Correct. See, that’s an important distinction because I see … Same problem with the no contact rule. I think sometimes people are so in love with the no contact rule, that they do a lot of work and feel okay, I love how I’m feeling. They don’t want to mess it up or they don’t want to take a chance, and so they just continue to extend their no contact rule until it’s like 180 days and they finally try reach out and then-

Anna:
They’re like, why can’t I get my ex back?

Chris Seiter:
Then you get the, who is this response when you try … Okay. I think we’ve thoroughly answered that one. What else do you have on your magical list of being there method questions?

Anna:
Another person said, what do you do if your ex talks about the new person in your presence?

Chris Seiter:
Oh, that’s a good question. This happens a lot.

Anna:
Yeah, it does.

Chris Seiter:
My reaction would be to not be upset. Because I think there’s a number of reasons for why they’re doing this, one of them could simply be they’re testing to see how you’ll react, another could be that they’re simply unaware of the fact. Maybe you played your role too well, and they really think you’re the-

Anna:
You’re totally fine.

Chris Seiter:
Right. I think because it’s such an emotional process for the people who are trying it, there’s almost a knee-jerk reaction when the name is said. It’s like saying Voldemort in Harry Potter. It’s like, don’t say that. I think training yourself not to be upset by it or even bothered by it … personally, might take would be, almost don’t don’t help them with relationship problems, but don’t almost ignore it and just continuing on. I guess it really depends on the context in which it’s used.

Anna:
Right. Well, let’s say it’s in the beginning. You’ve been texting your ex for a while, you followed up the value chain and now, let’s say you meet up for coffee.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, for coffee.

Anna:
For coffee, or you have to lunch or something like that, and the ex mentions the new person just in casual conversation. Not complaining, but just mentions them. What you should do is not be upset, and not ask any questions, but then ask a question about your ex instead of whatever happened with him or her and the new person. Right. Gloss it over.

Chris Seiter:
Right. It’s very much a deflection of [crosstalk 00:27:56]. Politicians are amazing at this, which is a huge … Some of the debates were not maybe the best, but if you watch some of the debates where moderators ask some of these politicians questions, and they just … what they’ll do is they will acknowledge it, and then find a very related cousin topic to it, and talk about that, use up all their time, and then they’re done. They get to the next question unscathed, because it seems like the answer to the question. I think it’s a gloss over approach in this instance. Because if you’re going to coffee and your ex is bringing up the new person, they’re usually going to bring them up in a context that’s almost like, ah, I couldn’t stand, she did this or did this. It’s bait. Don’t engage them in that.

Anna:
It’s a trap.

Chris Seiter:
It’s a trap.

Anna:
Yeah. That’s one of my most favorite memes, that it’s a trap.

Chris Seiter:
Admiral Akbar. It’s a trap.

Anna:
From Star Wars.

Chris Seiter:
Yes. Until they ruined the franchise.

Anna:
Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.

Chris Seiter:
See, another hot point. It’s a trap.

Anna:
That’s how you handle it if it comes up casually-

Chris Seiter:
What about texting?

Anna:
In texting? Again, gloss over that, assuming that it’s a casual mention.

Chris Seiter:
Let’s make it really hard, because this is something that I honestly would have to think about. What if you’re texting, things going well, the being there method, and then the new girl walks in, and he texts you about it and says, she wants us to stop talking. That might even be another question on your list probably.

Anna:
Yeah, actually it is. Because I was like, oh, that’s that makes me think of a question that someone asked. What happens if the new person asks your ex to stop talking to you or block you, blah, blah, blah? If you’re texting, first you-

Chris Seiter:
First off, good job working, it’s working.

Anna:
Yeah, high five. Good job. I mean, you’re doing awesome with the being there method. But the next thing you need to do is stay really calm, and you probably should … again, if it’s by text, ask your ex, well, what do you think about that? In an open-ended fashion. And then they’re going to say whatever, and then I think you need to say what you think, which is we’re just friends, so I think it’s a little weird for the new person to ask that. Personally, that’s what I would do. And then assuming also that in the being there in method, you are dating other people, you could say, I’m dating other people and they have no problem with me being friends with you. I said, but I think it’s pretty interesting that your new person has an issue when mine don’t. But then then you can say, but if it makes you feel better to communicate a little bit less so that it makes your new person feel more secure, we can do that for a while. You see what I did there? [crosstalk 00:30:55] the person as an insecure person.

Chris Seiter:
And you also took control of the situation, because when an ex says that, they’re talking from a position of power. Them saying, I can’t talk to you, I’m the one making the choice. And then you’re fighting back and saying, well no, actually, I’m dating someone new, they don’t have a problem with that. You see, you just reframe the situation to where you’re … But of course, Anna is a pro. I literally was sitting there listening, I was like, wow, that is really good, that you just came up-

Anna:
It’s the PR person in me.

Chris Seiter:
Right. Right. I was like, man, that’s really good.

Anna:
But it’s a skill that I like to teach a lot of my coaching clients. It’s important to recognize in the moment when to reframe something.

Chris Seiter:
What’s interesting, I’ve been reading, and I was turned on to this book that was talking about the difference between successful people in life and unsuccessful people in life. The biggest difference they see is how they handle problems or roadblocks. Successful people will look at roadblocks, not as the end of the world or my God, this is horrible, they’ll look at it like a fun problem to solve, almost like you’re playing a video game if you have any gamers out there, which we were already talking about. It’s almost like you’re on a level that’s really difficult to get past, but you’re like no, I’m going to beat this level. And it’s fun. You’re having fun doing it. People who are unsuccessful do not look at problems that way. I think you can see this on an extreme level with the ex recovery program, because you have many people in so many emotional situations looking at these problems like they’re the end of the world, like, oh my God, my chances are done, versus people who I’m noticing are successful don’t look at it that way. They look at it like, okay, this is a problem, but it’s a fun one to solve.

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:32:53] remove themselves well, look, I don’t care if I get them back or not. They have this mindset that. And we can maybe even talk about the secure attachment style, but I’m noticing a lot of them are mimicking those type of behaviors, they have the fortitude to just deal with any fear of loss that they may have. So, the way you said it, that’s immediately what jumped into my mind. To me, it’s almost like you looked at it and framed it as a problem that was fun to solve as opposed to like, oh my God … because I think that’s the knee-jerk reaction in most people. It’s like, oh my God, this is it. I can’t ever talk to them again.

Anna:
Well, what I said is actually a variation of Gottman’s antidote to defensiveness. If you know anything about Gottman, who I think is one of the most influential-

Chris Seiter:
The best.

Anna:
Okay, one of the most influential psychologists, the past quarter century. I mean, before-

Chris Seiter:
Especially when it comes to marriage.

Anna:
Yes. The antidotes defensiveness is essentially this, restate the other person’s position, state how they are right, and then once you do that, makes them less defensive because their walls are coming down, because you basically said they’re right, and then state your position. My response about the new person asking your ex to stop talking to you is essentially that. That’s why you’re asking your ex his or her thoughts, that’s why then you’re stating how you can see that point of view, and then you’re asserting your position by saying the other people that I’m dating don’t have a problem with it. However, if this new person is insecure about us, I can definitely stop talking to you for a little bit, if that would make her feel better or him feel better.

Chris Seiter:
Maybe it was you who recommended it, I can’t remember. Did you ever read the Never Split the Difference book?

Anna:
Yeah. I’ve recommended that.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. That is essentially the labeling contest. [crosstalk 00:35:02] you’re labeling someone’s emotions or their internal thoughts that they’re afraid to say out loud and it disarms them.

Anna:
Right. A lot of what he says is based on Gottman’s-

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:35:12]. Correct. That’s an FBI negotiator for those of you listening. That means if his negotiation fails, people die, so he needs to get it right. And they are using that in the field with terrorists, hostage negotiation situations, and all kinds of people, and it works. It works-

Anna:
Yeah, the master class with that guy is amazing [crosstalk 00:35:37] better than the book.

Chris Seiter:
I have the opportunity to get it. I literally almost started watching it, but I was like, I don’t have the time.

Anna:
I’m going to give you my subscription, you can have it.

Chris Seiter:
Oh, thank you. I will definitely take that. Normally, I’m just like, no, no, no, but no, I think I’ll take that. But one thing I will say is it’s a skill, so it’s something that you need to practice. When Anna did her labeling in the Gottman thing, she was so polished. You cannot just try this on your first try and expect it to work, you need to practice on other people. It will not work, trust me. But that’s actually how I bought my car. I got an extremely great deal on the car, like $13,000 off.

Anna:
Oh wow.

Chris Seiter:
It was using the labeling techniques I read in the Never Split the Difference book. But I practiced a lot before I went in there and actually started negotiating. Right. So, Anna’s very polished, but she’s dealing with it every single day in multiple areas of her life. You, if you want to try that, you need to practice. Otherwise, you’ll-

Anna:
Don’t fly by the seat of your pants with this stuff. You’ll crash and burn. But it helps to think about this ahead of time. I tell this a lot to my coaching clients, planning removes anxiety.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. What’s funny is a lot of the success stories that I interview for the YouTube channel and the podcast are direct clients of yours. And what’s interesting is I’m looking at all of them, and I’m literally listing, these are the qualities that these people have, and these are the qualities that people fail have. One of the qualities is organization. Almost every single one of them listens, they’re disciplined and they’re organized. They plan ahead of time. They’re not the type of people that will fly by the seat of their pants, they will literally practice this stuff out.

Anna:
Right. Because I tell them to.

Chris Seiter:
Yes, and that’s my point. Anna is telling them, or giving them the tools they need to succeed, but it’s still up to them to do it and implement it. All right. What else do we got on the list? This is fun. We keep going in the woods a little bit, but I feel like the content is so great.

Anna:
Well, I mean, I want to go back to the thing where we were saying, how do we handle situations if your ex brings up the new person? So we talked about in a casual situation, I think we need to cover what happens if your ex complains about the new person.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I’m actually curious … Okay. I’ll say mine, but you may disagree with me. It’s totally fine. My initial assessment would be not … it’s like what Michelle Obama said [inaudible 00:38:28] says, when they go low, you go high. I feel like the worst thing to do is to pile on and say bad things about the new person.

Anna:
Correct. Correct.

Chris Seiter:
One of the smartest things you should be doing is the redirect method, essentially, which is like, oh, okay, well, why don’t we talk about something else to get your mind off of her? Right. That’s what I would approach. But I’m curious to see what you would do.

Anna:
That is always my first recommendation. Try to redirect. But if your ex keeps going back to the same thing-

Chris Seiter:
And they often will, which is annoying.

Anna:
Yeah, they pull you back. I normally say, after you’ve tried to redirect two times, if they go back to it a third time, indulge the minute, and let them talk about it. And then, this is where your skills in asking open-ended questions, because remember we talk about including open-ended questions when you text. So, you’re using those skills that you developed in texting in real life, like in conversations, because I’m just assuming this is an in-person conversation or you’re FaceTiming. But you want to ask open-ended questions to determine, to gently guide your ex to see whether or not this new person is capable of change or how much work has the new person done or how much has to be done by your ex and the new person in order for them to be okay together. You’re almost relationship being a relationship therapist to your ex. You’re walking this line, but you’re not solving the problem. You’re just asking questions and letting him or her come to their own conclusions.

Anna:
You want to indulge that only for maybe five minutes, and then you change the topic. What you want to do is make them think, gosh, there are a lot more issues than I thought.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I think the key components to really make that work is the type of open-ended questions you’re asking. Never Split the Difference even talks about some of the … because to me, it’s almost like, the best negotiators are the ones who don’t talk as much. They’re the ones who are listening, but you need to ask very smart questions. I think usually it’s actually easy to get them to rag on the new person if they’re really annoyed by it or something. And most of the times, you’re only going to indulge them if that’s the case, because there is a difference between someone wanting to talk about how great the new person is. You don’t want to indulge them at all. Give me an example, Anna, of what type of question … We’ll practice. I’ll pretend to be the ex. She just will not shut up. She always talks so much. She never lets me get a word in edgewise.

Anna:
She doesn’t let you get a word in edgewise. What’s happening?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. So what Anna is doing is literally just repeating what I said back, and then just adding a little qualifier to get me to elaborate. And of course, I’ll just continue to elaborate, and of course, I’ll say something else that’s mean about the person, which will hopefully, if you do this long enough, make them realize this person I’m with is not that great.

Anna:
Yeah. And look at my person sitting across the table from me and just being really understanding, how awesome is that person?

Chris Seiter:
Right. But again, you need to practice this on your friends or someone who you trust or just in real life. Next time someone complains to you, and people are … they are more than happy to complain about their lives. If you talk to enough of them, someone’s going to complain, try some of this stuff out on them. That way, if you mess up, it’s on someone who doesn’t matter. So anything else with the situation?

Anna:
I think these are good ones. I think a similar one is how do I handle seeing my ex and the new person in public? I thought that [crosstalk 00:42:31].

Chris Seiter:
My response to that may be a little different than yours, but my thing would be, you’re not doing it right if you’re bothered when you see them in public. That means there’s a deeper problem with the being there method, or there’s a deeper problem than the being there method. The internal work you’re doing during no contact and things of that nature, you haven’t done a good enough job if you’re that bothered by seeing them in person. That would be my initial approach to it.

Anna:
Is that a guy perspective though? I think a lot of women would be flustered. I think I would be a little bothered.

Chris Seiter:
I think that’s my perspective, but my approach is always like, I’m going to get so emotionally strong where stuff that’s just not going to bother me. I’m going to try to rise above it. I really love the quote, Frank Sinatra, the best revenge in life is massive success. That’s the approach I would take to the no contact rule. But I will say, the one time I did run into an ex I was 19 years old. I have not run into many exes in public other than when I was a insecure kid and it did fluster me, but I reacted the complete wrong way about it. I avoided it at all costs. We walked past each other. She wanted to talk, I did not want to talk, and we just kept walking.

Anna:
That’s awkward.

Chris Seiter:
It’s awkward. But I was a 19-year old kid who didn’t really know anything.

Anna:
You get a pass.

Chris Seiter:
I’ll get a pass. I’ve been in a situation where I’ve been flustered before. That’s not the correct way to handle it. I think the correct way to handle it is pretend you’re okay with it and probably walk up and just chat him up or something and act [crosstalk 00:44:19] you’re doing.

Anna:
Right. I mean, you want to be as strong as possible and you want to come from a place of confidence, so you probably should plan ahead of time. If you’re about to go out somewhere, obviously always make sure you look at least decent>

Chris Seiter:
Got to look great. It’s the key [crosstalk 00:44:34].

Anna:
And plan ahead of time. If I run into my ex or his new person or them together, I’m going to say hi to my ex. If I haven’t met the new person, introduce myself. I’m going to say, “Hey, what are you doing?” And then say what you’re doing out there, and then talk for a minute and then say, “Oh, I got to go, because I got to do some unbeatable thing.” But that you’re happy to see your ex, whatever your ex’s name is. And then say to your ex, just to [crosstalk 00:45:03]. What you say is, “I’m happy to see you.” And then say, “You know what, I’ll text you later, but I got to get going.” And then you leave.

Chris Seiter:
That’s evil.

Anna:
No.

Chris Seiter:
My wife, she told me a story once of one of her friends. I think actually she did this. My wife had a suspicion that one of her friend’s boyfriends was cheating on her friend. And so, her friend just wouldn’t accept it. And so my wife went into the bathroom at this guy’s house. This is way before she met me. She put some glitter on his side of the bathroom, and that actually got him to admit that he was cheating on the girl. Women are capable of these very, very Ninja techniques that men are not. This is why Anna is-

Anna:
[crosstalk 00:46:07] to your wife. That’s really good.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, it’s pretty evil. But I will say, I have been on the receiving end of that before though. We were at the mall once when I was living in Pennsylvania with my wife, and my wife’s ex’s sister walked up to us and started chatting her up. It wasn’t exactly a apples to apples situation, but I will say it was super awkward from the other person’s perspective. I didn’t know what to say. I had the business at this point, so I was just more amused in who the heck was this person? It wasn’t until the lady left that my wife turned to me and said, “That was my ex’s sister.” But I think she even made some comment along the lines of, “Hey, I’ll tell Ryan I ran into you”, or something like that. That comment did not sit well with me. So, I’ve been on the receiving end of this to let you know-

Anna:
But that’s sort of like, what? And women, if they hear their boyfriends ex say, I’ll text you later, I know what I would do. I would turn around after she left, I would turn around into him and say, “As soon as she texts you, you need to tell me what she says.”

Chris Seiter:
That’s evil.

Anna:
Because I do not trust her.

Chris Seiter:
I love the finger wag.

Anna:
Yeah. I would do that.

Chris Seiter:
The finger wag.

Anna:
Yeah.

Chris Seiter:
Okay. I feel like that covers that pretty much perfectly. Though, I would still say if you’re that bothered by seeing them in person, work on making sure you’re not that bothered. I gave you the strategy, Anna gave you the tactic. Combining both in your-

Anna:
You’ll be golden. I think that one of the things we definitely need to talk about, because I get this question a lot, is how do I show that I’m better?

Chris Seiter:
Oh, that’s a great question. You go. You go.

Anna:
To me, it’s another reframing issue. This is more than simply being better. The being there method is an ongoing scenario of you consistently demonstrating you have more emotional control, you have a very strong emotionally intimate connection with each other, you understand your ex, so you know what characteristics he loves about you, you know what fits him or her well. You have to demonstrate that your relationship is the emotionally safest place for him or her to be. That’s how you do that. You focus less on what this other person is or is doing, and you focus instead on what you’re doing with your ex, does that make sense?

Chris Seiter:
It does to me.

Anna:
Yeah. Okay. I mean, because what you’re trying to do is you’re focusing less on what the new person is doing, and you’re trying to influence what the new person’s perception is of your relationship with your ex. You want them to be bothered about you, not the other way around. And so, there are four ways that we can do that. We do social media, we look at sphere of influence, the way we communicate with our ex and a strong friendship with our ex. Doing those four things, tagging your ex, keeping the pictures of the two of you both past and present, commenting on his social media, and vice-versa, in the sphere of influence work, family, friends, shared activities and interests, and then all the other things, that will influence the perception of the new person regarding your relationship with your ex. You’re less concerned about what they’re doing, what they’re thinking, or if they’re better than you or not, because you’re focused just on your relationship with him and talking about that.

Chris Seiter:
When I hear the problem, my initial assessment would be … Okay. A lot of people focus on social media. I get this a lot on the Facebook lives. I’m sure you do too in coaching sessions, what do I do on social media? What do I post? I really loves it, and a suggestion of keeping up maybe one or two of photos of the two of you together.

Anna:
[inaudible 00:50:33] person doesn’t have time to take down photos.

Chris Seiter:
Right. Right. I love it. But there’s that movie quote, beautiful things don’t ask for attention. I think what you should probably do is … I’m going to actually gear you more towards the holy trinity kind of concept. I feel like you should do something noteworthy. Because a lot of times people ask me, how do I get other people talking about me? How do I get this sphere of influence on my side? Sometimes all you have to do is just do something noteworthy we’re talking about, and in order to do that, you have to focus on that holy trinity to health, wealth, relationships kind of thing. There’s a difference between trying and trying too hard. You need to be careful not to try too hard to appear like you’re better. Just think of it like when you see … what’s your favorite animal, Anna?

Anna:
Pandas. Because I feel like that’s my spirit animal.

Chris Seiter:
Pandas, pretty cool. Okay. Let’s say we’re walking through the bamboo woods and you see a Panda just minding its own business. It’s the most beautiful thing in the world.

Anna:
Oh my gosh.

Chris Seiter:
It’s not sitting there trying to look like it’s impressing you, it’s sitting there just being what it is. I think that’s the approach I would have. If you want to make sure that you’re better than the other person, just be better than the other person in every way you possibly can, and don’t try to rub it in because it will come through.

Anna:
Correct.

Chris Seiter:
Again, that’s almost big picture, Anna is giving you the goods-

Anna:
I mean, technically speaking, I tell my coaching clients the following, try to make five different kinds of posts during the month. A wealth related one, a health-related one, a relationships related one. And then you want something that’s new and adventurous that you’re doing, and then you want to do a post that speaks to either a personality characteristic that your ex loved about you, or a physical characteristic that he or she loved about you.

Chris Seiter:
Well, it’s interesting you say that because I was watching … I have to wear a lot of hats. It’s one of the most annoying things about this business, is I have to learn marketing, which is nothing at all like breakup stuff. The interesting is one of the marketing things that they tell you is what to post on social media. They say post five different categories. Post three things related to your business, and then post a one thing that is going to be interesting to health or something like that, and then one thing that’s a personal thing that you like, because you appear to be a more well-rounded person. You feel like you’re not trying too hard, even though that’s kind of … So, Anna is just giving the Ex Boyfriend recovery version of that. Health, wealth, relationship-

Anna:
I am a publicist, so I think of-

Chris Seiter:
[crosstalk 00:53:35] you should check in his Instagram, she’s got the best pictures there. Sometimes I’ll just look there and I get hungry, she’s got so many pictures of there.

Anna:
Oh, my God. I love food. I am a-

Chris Seiter:
I haven’t eaten anything today, so food right now, it sounds amazing.

Anna:
I haven’t eaten today either, but I’m going to after this.

Chris Seiter:
I don’t know if I told you this, I should’ve probably, before we started recording, but I literally got clearance a couple of days ago to just be a normal human being for my surgery. So I went for a run, I can play tennis and it was-

Anna:
I feel so excited. Did you love playing tennis? Are you happy?

Chris Seiter:
It was liberating. Oh my God. It was like for the first time in two years, I could actually run without thinking, oh my God, I’m going to rip open. But one thing I learned very quickly is I remember … In my run, I remember thinking, I’m already tired, why am I already tired? And I realized, oh, wait, I haven’t run in two years. So I’m very out of shape. I woke up this morning sore from my neck. I don’t know how. I think serving, my neck was messed up. I went for a run yesterday, I went for a run today, but I almost posted about it, but I’m like, no, I just want to enjoy. This one’s for me. So, I think every once in a while, it’s okay to have moments for you and just not post them.

Anna:
Yeah. You don’t have to post everything in your life. This is not specific to the being there method, it’s just for anyone trying to get an ex back, when you think about social media, there should be neither a significant increase nor a significant decrease in your posting, or the frequency of your posting, because that says you’re up to something or something is wrong.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I think the only exception I would say to that is if you never posted before-

Anna:
Then that’s when you need to post.

Chris Seiter:
Take it up one or two notches. Not five times a day, that’s-

Anna:
Yeah, like one or two times a month. That’s all.

Chris Seiter:
I was going to make a comment, but I have to keep this PG. Anyways, let’s move on to the next-

Anna:
After we stop recording, I want to hear this-

Chris Seiter:
I’m going to tell you the comment.

Anna:
What else do we need to talk about on this?

Chris Seiter:
This has been the ultimate being there method thing, so I feel like anyone listening to this, who’s wondering how they should be doing the being there method or running into any roadblocks, this is it. This is going to be a video and a podcast episode forever enshrined into the ERP Hall of Fame.

Anna:
I do want to say a couple of things, because you mentioned it earlier, when to not do the being there method. I think we need to be really clear about that.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. Let’s do that.

Anna:
Yeah. For one, you don’t do the being there method if the ex was abusive or has significant untreated mental health issues, or some untreated substance abuse issue. The same for you too. If you have untreated mental health issues or untreated substance abuse issues, you really need to be focusing on yourself, or your ex needs to be focusing on himself, and not some getting some romantic entanglement again, if the relationship itself was toxic or unhealthy somehow. And then the last one is if your ex is engaged or married to the new person.

Chris Seiter:
You wouldn’t think you would need to say that, but we have found it so consistently important to say, if your ex is engaged in the new person or married to the new person, it’s time to move on. But to piggyback off of what Anna was saying, I literally just today posted an article called The Nine Red Flags When You Should Not be Trying to Get Your Ex Back. I think these are really great signs that you should be looking out for. So, if your ex is too intense, meaning over the top behavior that feels like it’s overly intense, where it’s too much too soon, or they’re way too obsessive, that’s not a good candidate for usually trying to get back. If they’re overly controlling, not a good candidate. The next one here is jealousy, but I would say there’s a difference between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy, and it doesn’t really take much explaining to understand the difference too.

Chris Seiter:
Sabotage is another one. We’ve seen exes literally try to make these statements like, if you break up with me, I will off myself, or if you don’t do this, I’m going to take this away from you.

Anna:
That’s emotionally manipulative. And that’s emotionally abusive as well.

Chris Seiter:
That’s wat we call a red flag by the way. Explosive anger is another one to really watch out for, and you do know the difference. If you are in a relationship with someone and they get angry to the point where you were flinching or scared that your well-being is going to be in jeopardy, not a good sign. If either party you, and Anna even talked about this, or your ex are hiding an addiction, they’re alcoholics, or they’re addicted to narcotics or things like that, not a good thing. Criticism is another one. We’ve seen this a lot where-

Anna:
Overly critical.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I think overly critical, but I would also say it can even be swamped in with controlling where I’ve seen some men literally control their exes on what they wear and they’re critical about it. So, if they were something that they don’t like, they’re critical about it and they make them go change. Not good behavior. This is not healthy behavior, this is in no way acceptable behavior. The last one is blaming. If they are not able to take ownership for at least some issues, and usually there’s enough to go around, it’s usually not a good sign. Those are some of the, to piggyback off what she said, some of the red flags where we recommend knots to get exes back. And if you want, I literally just posted an article about that and a YouTube video about that. Watch that if you want more information on how we define those things.

Anna:
I mean, I think we’ve covered most of the stuff. I mean, there’s some general questions like, does attachment style play to the being there method?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I mean, honestly, it’s pretty simple. The attachment styles, there’s really big four big main ones that we focus on, secure, anxious, fearful and avoidant. Most of the time-

Anna:
Fearful avoidant and dismissive avoidant.

Chris Seiter:
Right. So, those are the combinations of the … I would say most of the time, the reason the being there method works is because your ex’s new person is not a secure attachment, and you’re playing off that ability, but that requires you to have a secure attachment. And if you’re wondering, this is one thing I’m really looking at now, which is, is it possible to change your attachment style? The answer is yes, but it will not be easy. It takes work.

Anna:
Intense therapy. I mean, I’m an example of that. I mean, I started off as a dismissive avoidant.

Chris Seiter:
Dismissive. You got the finger wag going.

Anna:
The dismissive avoidant. The, I will actively reject all attempts at emotional intimacy sort of person.

Chris Seiter:
I don’t feel like I was ever like that. I feel if anything, I was-

Anna:
Fearful?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I think it was a more of a fearful.

Anna:
Fearfuls are much more common.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, because I’m trying to think back to my very first relationship. I think our first relationship really gives us an indicator on what we are because we don’t have any practice and we are just what we are. I remember just thinking, I was terrified of getting cheated on, I was terrified of who she was talking to and stuff like that that’s just ridiculous. I think fearful. It took some time, but I feel like I was fearful with some secure aspects, but that’s that.

Anna:
Right. Does attachment style play into the being there method? Yes. Yes, definitely. Another common question I get is how do you start it? You just do.

Chris Seiter:
You just do it.

Anna:
And you follow the value chain.

Chris Seiter:
Nike’s logo, just do it.

Anna:
You shouldn’t do the being there method if there’s not another person. I mean, you just go.

Chris Seiter:
Right. To clarify, the being there method is only if your ex has moved on to someone else, whether that’s a new girlfriend or a new boyfriend. What I will say also is I’ve found that the being there method works extremely well if you pair it with a longer period of no contact. Meaning I don’t think it works as well if you … and I’m actually eager to hear your thoughts on this, because I haven’t talked to you about this specific aspect of it, have you noticed any of your clients trying shorter no contacts and then doing a being there method, and what the results have been there or has it always been longer, no contact for you?

Anna:
Well, I think that in the original iteration of the materials when I joined the group, it actually wanted you to do a shorter, no contact-

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, we changed that. Yeah.

Anna:
I mean, but when I first joined and was-

Chris Seiter:
Right. Anna joined-

Anna:
Almost four years ago.

Chris Seiter:
Yes. 2016 is when … I think that’s-

Anna:
January 2017.

Chris Seiter:
She was number 98 in the group.

Anna:
Was I? Something like that.

Chris Seiter:
Something like that. She was in the first 100. And I remember her really well, because back then you knew everyone in the group. Now, it’s a sea of people-

Anna:
So many people. I’m like-

Chris Seiter:
Good problem to have, but …

Anna:
Yeah. But yeah, but I believe that doing a longer period of no contact is good because it allows the ex and the new person to go through more of their honeymoon period. It’s harder to break through the honeymoon period if you’re only doing a 21 day.

Chris Seiter:
I think it gives your ex and the new person to common villain because you’re the person trying to interrupt this bliss.

Anna:
Yes.

Chris Seiter:
And usually, the being there method is best when paired with longer periods of no contact. And that’s not something I made up, that’s something I noticed with people who were successful. I would be really interested to, because one, I don’t think we’ve ever tried an iteration of the being there method out with a shorter no-contact period. So, I don’t know if it can be effective.

Anna:
Some of my clients have.

Chris Seiter:
Has it been effective? Have you noticed that?

Anna:
It has been effective, but they’re period, but the period of getting them back has taken longer. So, I would prefer that my clients do the longer no contact to shorten the period of getting back together, as opposed to doing the shorter no contact, because it seems to be a long gate.

Chris Seiter:
I think another really important distinction point is usually if your ex has moved on to someone new, it’s going to take a little bit longer to get them back. It just will. It varies from situation to situation. Some people can get back real fast, some people, it takes years. I think I had Bethany on. You’ll notice her, she had the-

Anna:
She was over two years.

Chris Seiter:
Two years, correct. That was my exact point.

Anna:
Of my success stories with the being there method, and there’ve been a ton, but on average, the average amount of time is 10 months.

Chris Seiter:
Yeah. I did a research study once, the average rebound time is about five and a half months, and our average success story happens between three to five months, so it’s almost exactly 10 months if you add the two together. That’s a hard pill to swallow for a lot of people though. A lot of people aren’t patient.

Anna:
Yeah. I mean, it’s very daunting, but the being there method takes a long time. But because of how it works, it’s quite effective. I mean, it’s subtle, and it’s based purely on friendship. Friendship is so strong.

Chris Seiter:
I think Ex Boyfriend Recovery and Ex Girlfriend Recovery are unique in the fact that we’re the only ones that recommend something like this.

Anna:
Really?

Chris Seiter:
Yeah, I don’t think any of our competitors recommend something that’s specific for if your ex has moved on to someone new. There’s a reason why we recommend it though. It’s because it’s the only technique that we’ve ever found that works for this specific situation. And it’s so counterintuitive to what you would expect, which I can understand why people are a little hesitant, because your natural process of thinking would be like my natural process of thinking when I created the program, shorter periods of no contact, get in there and disrupt as much as possible. No-

Anna:
It doesn’t work in this way, or the being there method. It’s a long slow burn essentially.

Chris Seiter:
And that takes a really disciplined, strong person.

Anna:
It is not for the faint at heart at all. I mean, anyone that comes to me and wants to do the being there method or talks about that, I just tell them, the being there method is very tough, so do not think that you’re a failure if you can’t do it. If you’re going to do it, you’re looking at a commitment of at least six months, most likely closer to a year, if not longer.

Chris Seiter:
Well, just piggybacking on the Bethany thing, for those of you listening, Bethany, if you go to the YouTube channel, I did a success story interview with her, she’s the one with the purple hair. She’s always had colorful hair. But I remember back when she joined the group. It was back when I was doing Facebook lives a lot more frequently, but she would always come on talking about the being there method. I remember for months and months, and months and months, she’d come on with a new being there method question. It took her two years, two years, so it is definitely not for the faint of heart. You have to be patient. You also have to have faith in a process where there’s not a lot of upfront guarantee. Getting an expert in general is like that, but-

Anna:
With the being there method, a win is a win, no matter how small, because I coached with Bethany too, twice.

Chris Seiter:
You did. Yeah. We even talked about that on our interview. I believe she mentioned she coached with you. I mean, it worked obviously, but it’s not an easy thing. I

Anna:
It is the hardest, in my opinion. Getting an expert to the being there method and getting a dismissive avoidant pack, to me, are the two hardest scenarios.

Chris Seiter:
The flip side of that, what I’ve noticed is the easiest scenario to get next back is an on again, off again, relationship. The double-edged sword there is you’ll break up again. I’ve seen that happen a lot. Now luckily, when I did the interview with Bethany, she had gotten her ex back and he was literally … We were supposed to do the interview on a Tuesday or something, and she had to cancel last minute because he was literally in the process of moving in with her. So, it does go to show you, there is light at the end of the tunnel for some, but even for Bethany, it was a really hard situation. So, you people watch the whole interview I had with her and see that.

Anna:
Yeah, I remember. Her situation was really tough.

Chris Seiter:
So Anna, is there any other questions, or do you think we got-

Anna:
I think we covered most of them. I mean, the others are just detailed stuff, but I think we’ve covered the most general things.

Chris Seiter:
What is the last thing we’d like to leave people with? Because this to me, is going to become what we recommend for people when they’re like, hey, what’s the being there method? This is what I want them to watch. Closing arguments for why they should do it. Go. [crosstalk 01:09:09]

Anna:
Well, you should do the being there method if you want your ex back and your ex has moved on to another person. I mean, essentially, it’s very powerful. To me, my success rate with coaching clients to do the being there method actually is higher than just doing the straight ex recovery program.

Chris Seiter:
One thing I will say about Anna, if you’re on the fence about coaching, Anna is the person to go to. I’m telling you, she … I still can’t believe she said she’s got 500 people back together year, which is hundreds of people. That’s unheard of. The only reason I’m blown away is because I know the success rate in this industry, because I know a lot of my peers, and a lot of my peers are not getting-

Anna:
Are you saying that my success rate is better than almost everyone in this industry?

Chris Seiter:
Don’t get a big head, don’t get a big head.

Anna:
I already have a big head.

Chris Seiter:
No, but seriously, what you guys don’t understand is on average … I did a study where I went and looked at average studies. And these are not accurate at all, but to the best I could find about what the average success rate is for just the general Joe walking down the street.

Anna:
What did it say?

Chris Seiter:
Average them all together, the average success rate is 43.5%. I’m pretty sure Anna is beating that by a lot.

Anna:
Yeah. By my latest numbers, almost-

Chris Seiter:
So, if you’re on the fence with coaching with us and you just want to use this conversation as a vibe for seeing, this is what Ex Boyfriend Recovery, Ex Girlfriend Recovery is all about, I do want to say that Anna and I, we … mostly Anna though. She does most of the hard coaching. Anna is not just going to help you with breakup stuff, she’ll also help you with all other areas of life, including if you’re trying to get a marriage back together. Generally even dating advice, though our specialty-

Anna:
I’ve helped people avoid so many divorces.

Chris Seiter:
You see? The divorce … divorce. All of a sudden, I got an accent, the divorce killer.

Anna:
Yeah. I’ve had a few people who said, “Oh my gosh, I don’t know if I can recover my marriage just because I’ve already been served papers. How do I do that?” Well, we do it.

Chris Seiter:
My point is, we’re a lot more nuanced in what we can do than just breakups. But we do focus mostly on breakups because that’s what we’re about, but we are able to do stuff like that. So if you’re on the fence with coaching with Anna, I am here to give my … coach with her. I’m telling you, she’s the best.

Anna:
We’ll have fun, I promise.

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4 thoughts on “Everything You’ll Ever Need To Know About “The Being There Method””

  1. Avatar

    Denise

    December 3, 2020 at 7:27 am

    Hey! Me and this guy were in an unofficial relationship for 5 months at the start of the year. Then, without a reason, I got cut off and blocked. The thing is, we work in the same field and for a while I was working from home, but after 1 month and a half of being blocked, I had to go back. It was weird because he started talking to me straight away, he was trying to get my attention so hard by doing weird things. For some weeks I just tried to ignore him as much as I could, especially after he gave me a weak explanation that his ex actually deleted my phone number. In september, after some days with tension between us, he insisted on us talking about what had happened. He told me how he got back with his ex, but broke shortly after and how he wouldn’t like for things to be bad between us. After the conversation, things started to go on a better path on and off… we were getting along better, he kept flirting with me. I haven’t been to work for more than a month now, because of the New Covid regulations, but he kept on checking up on me weekly and we agreed on meeting one day for him to borrow me one of his books. On saturday when we spoke on the phone, he told me he kinda got back with his ex again. He made it clear that he still wants to meet me though, but said he can respect my decision if I don’t want to see him. In his own weird way, it seems that he cares about me (I May be wrong though).

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 28, 2020 at 7:13 pm

      Hi Denise, I am sorry but no I think this guy is just keeping you open to him, it sounds as if he has an on and off relationship with the girlfriend and when single he wants someone else’s attention (yours). If you want this guy to be interested in you instead of the girlfriend then you need to follow the program, however the girlfriend sounds as if she is aware of you and will make sure that you are not around when they are together.

  2. Avatar

    Alyssa Hall

    December 1, 2020 at 11:40 pm

    Does the being there method work if my ex has gotten back together with his ex and is moving to a city closer to her and farther from me?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 2, 2020 at 5:09 pm

      Hi Alyssa, yes it can work as long as you work on yourself and follow the advice properly. This starts with a 45 day no contact