Well, we started the week with a success story (episode 19) and we are going to end the week with a success story.
Hey, this has been one heck of a week for women getting back with their exes!
In this episode we hear from “Successful But Concerned” a woman who wonders how she can keep her boyfriend intrigued in a new relationship.
Here is a quick rundown of the situation that “Successful But Concerned” has found herself in,
- She got her ex boyfriend back
- He cheated on her
- She is taking a very pragmatic approach in giving the new relationship time
- She required him to go to couples therapy (which he complied)
- She doesn’t want to be in an on again/off again relationship
- Wonders how she can keep him intrigued in the relationship
What I Cover In This Episode
- Five languages of love
- How pitching and relationships correlate
- A funny story of a tour guide
- The importance of keeping things exciting
- How to keep things exciting
- Why a man needs to think you are better than him to stay intrigued
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
- EBR Episode 19
- Gone Girl (The Book/Movie)
- How To Find Your Soulmate (My Story)
- The Five Languages Of Love
The Game Plan For Keeping Your Boyfriend Intrigued
Utilize The Five Languages Of Love
You’ve heard of that book, The Five Languages Of Love, right?
Well, it basically talks about five things that every person will need in a relationship for the relationship to survive,
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
Make sure that you give your boyfriend these and not only will he be happy but he will stay intrigued.
P.S. check out episode 19 of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast for information on the order of importance that these qualities have to a man.
Never Be Predictable
Being spontaneous is important to keep a man intrigued and on his heels.
As a general rule if your boyfriend never knows whats going to happen you are doing well.
Do Exciting Things
I am going to draw from my own personal experience here.
Two of the most exciting experiences that I have had in my life was going on a hot air balloon and traveling to Paris with my wife.
Can any of your dates top that?
If not, then you may have some work to do on keeping things exciting.
Repeat After Me “I Am Better Than Him”
This is going to sound really weird but I have found it to be the truth.
Men are drawn to women who not only challenge them but women who they believe are better than them.
For example, I pretty much think my wife is better than me on a daily basis and as a result I am always in a position where I am trying to impress her.
In other words, her intrigue will never go away!
Be better than your boyfriend 😉 .
Welcome to Episode 23 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to hear from a woman who didn’t give me her name. I’m going to call her “Successful but Concerned,” which is the title tag she gave me on the voicemail. She is a success story. Like I said in Episode 22, we started the week with a success story with Shannon in Episode 19. We’re going to end the week here with a success story from “Successful but Concerned.”
Let’s hear from her now and find out why she’s concerned. Like I said, there’s a little bit of a twist to this success story:
“Hi, Chris. I am a success story of yours. My ex-boyfriend and I are together now. Well, I get to decide when we’re together. He cheated on me. I’m giving things time to go slow and start up a brand new relationship again. It’s what you talk about in a lot of your blogs. Once you do get back, it’s fresh. Your old relationship is a failure, and it was. We both agree on that.
We’ve done some things to try and ensure that our relationship is stronger than ever. We want the new relationship to move forward and we don’t want to bring in things from our old relationship. We’re going to couples therapy. That was my requirement because he did cheat on me. There were things I wanted to know. He’s a war vet. He has PTSD.
We both have emotional issues that we’re dealing with. I want to make sure I’m not in an off-again, on-again relationship. He’s very dedicated now, but once the honeymoon phase is over and you have to keep things interesting, what do you do to keep a man intrigued? I did read your blog posts. I’m worried about that. I’m a success story of yours. Thank you so much for all of your help.”
Congratulations on getting back together with your ex. I’m really glad to hear that things worked out between the two of you. It sucks that he cheated on you. That is the worst thing that can happen. I’m glad that he’s trying to make amends. I’m glad that he’s willing to go to couples therapy, which I think is a great idea, specifically for you, Successful but Concerned.
Not only will you get the expertise from someone with a degree in psychology, but you’ll also be able to get advice from me. I don’t have a PhD. I don’t have a degree in psychology. But I do subscribe to the school of street smarts. I can give you thoughts into a man’s mind that a doctor can’t. They’re more looking at statistics. I’m looking at what goes on in his mind. You’re getting the best of both worlds here.
I’m really glad that you’re going to couples therapy. I think that’s a great step for both of you to strengthen your relationship. It sucks that he cheated on you. I’m glad that you’re giving it time and taking it slow. That’s a very smart approach. You sound like a very intelligent person. I can tell from your voice that you really want this to work out. You are willing to put in the work as well as him. He’s making amends.
I know you’re a bit concerned that the honeymoon period will be over and he’ll lose interest after that. After all, men do like new things. They like the honeymoon period. Some men are addicted to it. They’re addicted to new, exciting things.
I don’t know why he cheated on you. I would love to hear more about his reasons. Most likely, men cheat for physical needs or when things aren’t exciting. I watched a video about a year ago of this woman who dedicated a book to cheating. She said that the number one reason that people cheat is because it’s exciting. It’s new. Maybe the newness factor ended in your relationship and it caused him to stray. I don’t know the whole story.
I can tell you what you can do to keep him intrigued. That’s what this game plan for you is going to be about. This episode is going to be specifically focused on the things that you can do to keep a man intrigued in a relationship.
The first thing that I think a man needs to have in order to be intrigued and stay in a long-lasting relationship is what I talked about in Episode 19. I will link to it in the show notes. It’s called the five languages of love. It’s from the book, The Five Love Languages. You have words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.
I think that men need all of these things in a relationship to stay intrigued, to feel safe and to feel loved. I know that your ex cheated on you. You have a lot of resentment towards that. I understand that. He still needs these things to feel loved and intrigued in a relationship. Without them, he will lose interest.
There are other things you can do to keep him intrigued, but you need to continue to display these five languages if you are interested in staying with him for a long time. He will grow disinterested without them. He will need these things to feel loved. Every human needs to feel these things to be happy. If you look at things in a common sense manner, a man is not going to stay in a relationship if he’s incredibly unhappy.
I don’t know if you’ve ever watched the movie Gone Girl. It was very disturbing. This is a spoiler alert. If you’ve never watched the movie, skip past this section. At the end of the movie, the guy, Ben Affleck’s character, is forced to stay with his wife. That’s the only case where I can think that a man would stay in a relationship when he’s unhappy.
For the most part, common knowledge tells you that a man will not stay in a relationship if he’s not happy. If he doesn’t get these five things, most likely, he will be unhappy. Make sure you’re giving him those things, Successful but Concerned.
You also need to be unpredictable. Here is the best way I can describe this. When I was 17 or 18, I played baseball. I was a baseball player in high school. I was a good one. I’m not just saying that to toot my own horn. I was athletic. I was good. I pitched a perfect game. I think I struck out every single batter that came up. I think only one ball was fouled off. It was great. I found that the key to pitching was to be unpredictable. You could never be the same.
Generally speaking, if you’re throwing the same pitch over and over again, the batter is going to zone in on it and hit it. It’s sort of the same way in relationships. If you keep doing the same thing over and over again and expecting your boyfriend to continue to like it without any unpredictability, he’s going to grow bored.
Albert Einstein said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Be unpredictable. Don’t be the same. Maybe you spontaneously surprise him with a date. Maybe you spontaneously surprise him with a gift. Be spontaneous. Be unpredictable to where he can never figure out what you’re going to do. Don’t be afraid.
Like I said, a great pitcher is unpredictable. They are never the same. They are constantly changing things up. In a way, a great relationship needs to have these qualities. They need to have one or both persons in the relationship changing things up, being spontaneous and doing spur-of-the-moment things. You need that.
I want to tell you a funny story that I heard. I don’t know if I’ll tell it very well. I don’t know the person’s name who told it. I was listening to a podcast a couple of years ago. It always stuck in my mind. It made that much of an impression. I think it was something behind the psychology of selling. Somehow, the person worked relationships into it. Here is the story.
There was a guy who liked a girl. He was a psychology major. He learned that, if you take a date and put her in an exciting situation, there will be certain chemicals that are released in her brain that cause excitement. She’ll be more open to liking the person she’s with. He decided, “I’m going to take her on a super exciting date. I’ll take her on a rapids tour.”
They get in the car and go to this thing. They are on the tour with a tour guide who is taking them down the rapids and showing them what they need to do to navigate. They weren’t extreme rapids but they were exciting enough for the girl to get nervous and excited about it. There was adrenaline. They’re going down the rapids and things are going well.
The guy was thinking, “This is working. She’s smiling at me. She’s happy. I think this is working. These chemicals must be releasing in her brain as a result of the excitement. She’s attaching those chemicals to me. As a result, she’s going to look at me and be excited every time she thinks of me. This is great.”
Then the rapids guide pulled over for lunch. He said, “We’re going to pull over and have lunch on this beautiful island here. Then we’ll go back and finish our rapid tour.” It was at that moment when they were about to break for lunch that the girl turned to the guy and said, “Isn’t that tour guide hot?”
Essentially, it worked. She was super excited and happy, but she was more attracted to the tour guide. In theory, the idea works. In this particular story, it didn’t work for the guy who meant to do it. Maybe he should have taken her on an exciting one-on-one date.
My advice to you, Successful but Concerned, is to do exciting things. Take exciting dates that create a lot of adrenaline. He’ll get excited and attach those feelings to you. He’ll always be intrigued by you.
A few examples spring to mind here with my wife and I. when I proposed to my wife, she told me about two of her biggest dreams. Number one was to ride in a hot air balloon. Number two was to have a trip to Paris. To this day, I don’t know how I did it, but I pulled off getting both of those things for her in the proposal. I told her, “I got a trip to Paris for us.” I have the whole story in a blog post that I’ll link to in the show notes of this episode. I got a trip to Paris for us and I got a hot air balloon ride. Those are probably two of the most exciting experiences I’ve had, date-wise.
I went to Paris. That was exciting in and of itself. There was lots of adrenaline going on. I saw the Eiffel Tower. I saw it lit up at night. It was really romantic. We were so in love. We kissed each other. It was great. It was Paris, the city of love.
Then you have the hot air balloon, which is incredible. You’re miles above the earth, looking down. It feels incredible. It culminated in the fact that we landed in someone’s backyard. It was totally unplanned. The whole entire town came out to watch us land. It was super exciting. We felt like a king and queen.
The entire town came out to watch us land because we landed in someone’s backyard. We thought the pilot was kidding when he said, “Okay, we’re landing here,” and we were landing in someone’s backyard. It was during an eight year-old’s birthday party. That eight year-old must have thought that this was a gift from God or something.
Those are exciting experiences that I went on with my wife. They connect us forever and always. We always have those memories. We always think of those things. They keep us intrigued with each other. They keep us in love. Those memories are important. You need to do exciting things with your boyfriend if you want him to continue to stay intrigued, Successful but Concerned.
My last piece of advice for you is to give him subtle reminders that will remind him you are above him. I know that sounds weird because a couple should be equal. I’m going to tell you a funny secret about men. Men don’t want an equal. We may say that we want equals, but the truth is, we don’t want an equal. We want someone who is better than us. We want someone who is better than any girl out there. We want the ultimate girl, the un-gettable girl. We want that.
Give him subtle reminders of, “I’m better than you.” The way to do this is to put yourself in a position where other men chase you. He can understand that, “I have a catch here.” It will keep him in line. It will keep him interested. I talk a lot about the roller coaster effect. Sometimes it’s okay to make a man feel like he has you and then take that away for a second. If you do this throughout your relationship, it will keep him intrigued. It will keep him in check, so to speak.
How do we do this? How do you make a man understand, “I have a catch? She’s better than me. She makes me a better person. I have the ultimate girl.” A good way is to put yourself in a position where men chase you. Sometimes this just happens naturally. Let your boyfriend in on it. You can tell him, “Some guy came up to me today and started hitting on me. It totally repulsed me.”
You do it in the right way. You don’t do it in a mean way where you’re trying to make your boyfriend jealous. You say it in a way that you were repulsed by it. It’s also a subtle reminder letting him know that you are a very attractive woman. Other men find you attractive. At the same time, your boyfriend will try to be cool about it.
He will think, “She did the right thing. She was repulsed by this guy who hit on her.” Deep down he will think, “I wonder how many other times this happens. I wonder if she tells me all the times it happens.” It will make him a little jealous inside. A little jealousy can be good in a relationship. It keeps him intrigued. It makes him realize your value.
As long as he understands, “I have a girl who is better than me,” he’s going to be a happy camper. I know that’s a weird thing to say. You would never think that but it’s the truth. I don’t think any man would ever admit this. I’m telling you, my wife is better than me. I am perfectly happy telling you that. I got a good one. I would not feel the same if I was married to a girl who I thought I was better than. That’s just the way it works.
The fact that I think my wife is better than me works perfectly. It means I will always be intrigued with her for the rest of my life. I’m always thinking, “She’s better than me. I need to make sure I treat her right so she doesn’t leave. I want to make sure that she is happy in this relationship.” If you can create that in a man, you’re golden. You are the golden goose.
That’s it for Episode 23. I hope you enjoyed this, Successful but Concerned. I’m really happy that you got your boyfriend back. I’m happy that I potentially played a role in that. I completely give all the credit to you. I just come up with the ideas but you implement them. You have the hardest part.
I’m really proud that you got your ex-boyfriend back. I’m really sorry that he cheated on you but it seems like he’s willing to put in the effort, which is a very good sign. Hopefully, you can have a long-lasting relationship and live happily ever after.
From Chris Seiter here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery, that’s it.