Hypothetical situation…

Lets pretend that you and your ex boyfriend have just broken up and you decide that you want to get him back.

Here’s the thing though, you want to get him back the right way.

Oh, and in case you are wondering there is a right way to get him back and there is a wrong way to get him back. So, you do what any woman in your position would do, RESEARCH.

Throughout your research you begin to realize that getting an ex boyfriend back the right way is quite challenging. It’s all about building attraction, rapport, texting, calling, in-person encounters, no contact rules, you get the picture. But here is what your research doesn’t cover.

What if your ex boyfriend is uncooperative?

What if he won’t text you back?

What if he doesn’t pick up when you call?

What if he isn’t even open to the idea of communicating?

What then?

Most women give up at that point but every once in a while a woman comes in and cracks the “man code” and figures out how to open their exes up.

How to properly communicate with them.

That’s what I intend to teach you about today.

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Why Having Open & Vulnerable Communication With An Ex Boyfriend Is Important

important

Ex Boyfriend Recovery has become one of the premier websites on ex recovery.

Would you like to know why?

It’s because I go all out when I write content for you guys to read.

Seriously, I challenge you to look elsewhere online and find a website that writes as in-depth articles as I do when it comes to getting an ex back.

Chances are high that you won’t be able to find one.

Anyways, that’s besides the point.

This article is going to act as a blueprint for you to have open and vulnerable communication with your ex boyfriend. Which as I am sure you are already learning isn’t always the easiest thing to achieve.

Now, you may find yourself wondering,

“What’s the big deal about having open and vulnerable communication? Why is it even important?”

Well, in order to properly answer this we are going to have to take a step back and look at the state your relationship with your ex is probably in right now.

 

Your Exes Mindset After A Breakup

I feel I can bring a lot to the table when it comes to getting into the mind of a man after a breakup because I have been there.

Yes, in case you forgot I AM a man and I HAVE been through breakups.

Now, before I get to the goods I do feel it is important to mention that I am not going to be holding anything back here. In other words, what I am about to unveil to you isn’t going to be the dressed up/politically correct version that my counterparts tell you about men and breakups.

Nope, I am going to give you the down and dirty version.

The version that the so called “experts” are afraid to tell you about.

I guess the best way to start this off is to start with a fun little infographic that I put together,

sIlhouette_love

I like to call this little infographic “The Ex Boyfriends Mindset After A Breakup.”

You may notice that there are four main emotions/reactions that an ex boyfriend can have after a breakup that will ultimately shape his mindset.

Lets take a moment to go through each of those one by one now.

(Oh, and I promise you that I will explain how the open and vulnerable communication comes into play in a second.)

Let’s start with our first “shaping of the mindset,” sad/angry/uncaring.

Mindset Shaper #1- Sad/Angry/Uncaring

It may seem weird to say these three things at once but I promise you that there is a method to my madness.

Lets pretend that your ex boyfriend has just experienced a breakup right now at this very moment.

How do you think he is going to react?

Well, no matter how you slice it he isn’t going to react well.

In fact, there are probably three ways he is going to initially react.

He will either be super sad which you will see in men who immediately beg for you back (assuming you were the one that broke up with them.)

He could be very angry which you will see in men who are very mad and start calling you names (not an uncommon reaction when you think about it.)

OR

He could be very uncaring. What do I mean by this? Simple, he will act like the breakup doesn’t bother him or say something like, “PHEW, that was a weight off my chest.”

Chances are at least one (or a combination of all) are going to factor into your ex boyfriends mindset after the breakup.

Lets move on to our next mindset shaper so we can get close to determining why it is so important to have open and vulnerable communication with your ex.

Mindset Shaper #2- Playing The Victim

Men have a strange fascination with playing the victim.

Why?

Probably because the victim gets all the sympathy and the person who isn’t the victim gets all the hate.

What I would like to do now is tell you a little story about a guy named Joe.

So, Joe was not exactly the best person to be in a relationship with.

He was overly jealous, possessive and freaked out over the smallest of things going wrong. So, one day his girlfriend had enough of his shenanigans and decided to cut ties with him completely. Joe reacted as suspected and immediately freaked out about the whole thing but what happened next his ex girlfriend did not expect.

She heard through the grapevine about how HE was the one that was so great in the relationship and how SHE was the one that was a monster.

So, what the heck happened here?

Why is Joe blatantly lying about the way things went down in the relationship?

Well, in his mind HE is the victim because of the emotional roller coaster that his ex is putting him through.

If there is one thing that human beings resist with every bone in their body it’s change.

Joe was probably used the the way things were and when that routine got interrupted he got emotional. As a result of being emotional he felt he was the victim because his ex was the one who changed things up. So, when you are looking at your ex boyfriends mindset after a breakup you have to consider the victim effect.

Now, I think it goes without saying that sometimes men are the victim in relationships. Sometimes their exes are the one who act crazy and deserve to get broken up with. I guess what I am trying to say is that there are two sides to every coin but every time that coin is flipped the same result is going to pop up, being the victim.

Mindset Shaper #3- Viewing You As The Enemy

So far the first two mindset shapers that I covered were,

  1. Being angry, sad or uncaring
  2. Playing the victim

From an ex boyfriends perspective are any of these two shapers good?

Definitely not.

No man wants to sit there and be angry or sad. Oh, and most men don’t want to feel like they are the victim (though there are some that definitely do like it.) When you are looking at these two mindset shapers the thing you have to understand is that more often than not they negatively impact an ex and guess who is at the forefront of that negative impact?

YOU!

Lets do another fun example since I think you guys get a lot out of that.

Lets take Joe and pretend that when him and his ex broke up he felt very angry and decided to play the victim. Ultimately when he closes his eyes at night and thinks about the situation he is in there is one source of his pain, his ex. So, what do you think he does when he comes to this realization.

He views his ex as the enemy.

I can speak about this one because this is something I definitely did during a breakup with my ex.

Once I came to the realization that all the source of my pain came as a result of my ex I viewed her as public enemy number one.

Oh, and you better believe that I am not some unique guy that this has only happened to. Chances are high that if I came to that conclusion at one point your ex potentially did as well.

Mindset Shaper #4- Retaliation

When men have an enemy we like to do something to that enemy.

Any idea what that something is?

….

Any idea?

Anything?

Anything?

Bueller?

Ok, all kidding aside we like to destroy any enemy.

You see this a lot in men who talk bad about you behind your back post breakup.

Oh, and for the record yours truly even wasn’t above it.

In fact, if I recall correctly I bashed my ex but more specifically her parents.

Why?

Long story but in short they were very intrusive and a little bit overprotective and I always felt like I was their enemy. I remember talking to her best friend about how glad I was that I had broken up with my ex and how her parents were super crazy.

Her best friend pretty much did what any best friend would do.

She backed up her best friend and told me that her friends parents were super nice.

I guess my point in telling you all this is that if you have an ex boyfriend who you feel is lashing out at you it is probably because he is mentally gone through this mindset process and ended up retaliating.

How Does Open And Vulnerable Communication Factor Into All This?

disturbs me

Take a good look at that mindset infographic that I created above and answer this question,

When you look at the mindset of a man after a breakup is it generally positive or negative?

It’s negative, right?

It’s laced with negativity, anger, sadness, depression, retaliation, victimization, you get the idea.

Now, lets pretend that I have a magic wand and the second I waved this magic wand I put a spell on you that made you feel angry, sad, victimized and depressed. Lets also pretend that I am trying to communicate with you and get you to be very open and vulnerable.

Do you think you would be willing to take that risk?

Would you be willing to have open and vulnerable communication with me?

Probably not.

Why?

Because I am the source of all your pain. I waved that magic wand and BAM you started getting “the feels” all over and these aren’t the good type of “feels.” Nope, these are the bad ones.

This is the boat that your ex boyfriend is in.

Look, here is a fact that you are going to have to get through your head.

In the grand scheme of things your ex boyfriend is going to have to be willing to be open and vulnerable with you if he is going to consider getting back with you. However, right now he probably isn’t at a place where he is willing to do that.

So, when women ask me,

“How do I actually get my boyfriend to open up to me? How can I have open and vulnerable communication with him.”

They have to understand that the odds are actually stacked against them.

They have to find a way to overcome the overall negativity of an ex boyfriends mindset after a breakup.

How do you do that?

Well, that’s what this entire article is about.

How To Have Open And Vulnerable Communication With Your Ex Boyfriend

Here is the million dollar question.

How can we make an ex boyfriend, who doesn’t hold you in the highest regard, want to communicate with you in a vulnerable way?

Well, below I put together a little graphic describing the process of how a woman can accomplish this,

open and vulnerable

Now, I realize you probably have no idea what the heck this graphic means.

Heck, you are probably sitting there wondering,

“What are those little bubbles with words inside them?”

Well, it just so happens that those little bubbles with words inside them are your game plan for how you are going to get your ex to open up to you.

  • Rejection
  • Trust
  • Leading By Example
  • Time

Four things…

If you can do these four things then you will have a really good chance of making your ex boyfriend have the type of honest and vulnerable communication that you are seeking.

Pretty simple, right?

WRONG!

Finding the synergy between these four things is extremely challenging and will take some time on your part.

Luckily I am an amazing teacher and school is in session 😉 .

Lets start by talking about rejection!

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STRATEGY ONE: REJECTION

rejection

Is it weird that I have rejection as a strategy for opening up an ex boyfriend?

Well, I don’t mean rejection in the sense that I want you to reject your ex boyfriend again. No, I am talking about rejection in the sense that your ex boyfriend is probably feeling rejected since the two of you broke up and this rejection (coupled with all the other mindset factors I talked about above) makes it extremely hard for your ex boyfriend to open up to you, the source of the rejection.

“But Chris, what if my boyfriend broke up with me? How can he feel rejected then?”

Remember what I said above about playing the victim?

Yup, men can TOTALLY do this even if they were the ones that broke up with you.

But I digress…

What I really want to talk about in this section is “fear of rejection.”

Fear Of Rejection

Fear is a powerful motivator.

Take me for example.

My biggest fear is that one day this site will lose it’s traction.

That everything I built…

Everything I worked so hard for…

Will one day just, POOF, vanish into thin air and I will be left with nothing.

As a result of that fear I write these super long posts and do everything in my power to make sure I am writing the most in-depth and comprehensive content out there on exes.

In fact, recently I told someone in my personal life about this website and he took the initiative to look it up.

Would you like to know what he said to me when he saw me the next day?

“You seem like you give away WAY too much for free.”

I just smiled and shook my head and what he said went in one ear and out the other. Well, maybe that’s not 100% true. It went in one ear and stuck in the middle of my head for a bit before it went out the other ear. While it was stuck in the middle of my head I began to take a step back and look at what I had built.

“Wow” I thought.

“I really do give away A LOT for free.”

And you want to know the funny part?

The only reason I give away so much for free is as a result of my greatest fear, losing the traction this site has.

Fear can make you do some pretty interesting things.

I imagine your ex boyfriend is experiencing something similar with his fear of rejection.

I am going to let you in on a little secret about men.

Most of us have no trouble communicating, we are just scared to.

Society dictates that men are supposed to be strong and hold their feelings in while women are supposed to be the ones who let all of their feelings out. I mean, if you were born and were told all of your life that the sky was green then you are going to believe that the sky is green. Same principle applies here.

Men are actually taught NOT to let their feelings out.

Who teaches them this?

OTHER MEN!

Look, I don’t have research to back up what I am saying I am just drawing on my own experience.

Any time I have ever let my feelings out amongst other men I get ridiculed or called pathetic, lame, weak, etc.

This experience makes it very hard to open up.

My money is on the fact that your ex boyfriend experienced something similar to what I did growing up and now he is very careful about who he opens up to.

It all boils down to the fear of rejection.

Your ex boyfriend is afraid that if he opens up to you he could get rejected again.

He has already been rejected once by you so it’s not a stretch for him to imagine that it could happen again.

So, how do you overcome this fear of rejection?

How can you get him to feel safe opening up to you?

Well, that comes with trust!

STRATEGY TWO: TRUST

turst me

You ready to have your world rocked?

If you want an ex boyfriend to open up to you then he is going to have to trust you.

Pretty shocking, right?

(That was sarcasm by the way.)

Here’s the thing though.

Right now you are the last person that your ex boyfriend is going to trust.

You know what that means, right?

It means that you are going to have to work to regain his trust.

Percentage Theory

The biggest mistake that I see women making when trying to regain trust from their ex boyfriend is they try to regain it all at once.

NEWSFLASH…

Trust doesn’t work that way.

Nope, it’s impossible for someone to trust you all at once. Like all things worth having it takes time for a human being to trust someone.

So, what I am going to do now is teach you my method for regaining trust on a grand scale and then give you a few simple techniques that you can put into action today. First though, lets get the big picture of what we are trying to accomplish here.

I have this theory based on percentages and trust.

However, in order to explain fully explain this “percentage theory” I have to give you some context.

Lets pretend for a moment that I wanted to increase the conversions (the people who buy) of my system, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO by 10 percent. Now, in the world of online sales there are a million ways to do this but most people tend to flock to, two camps.

Camp 1– Increase the overall conversion rate of the sales page

Camp 2– Increase the traffic to the sales page

In other words, the people in camp one are saying that if your current sales page is converting at 5% then you need to increase that number to 10%.

And the people in camp two are saying that if you increase the amount of visitors to the sales page by something like 10% or 15% then together with the increase in conversions you should increase sales by 10%. Actually looking at those numbers it would probably be more.

Here’s the thing though.

Oftentimes increase a conversion rate by that much and increasing the traffic by that much are unrealistic. So, the professionals out there would take a very unique approach. Instead of doubling the conversion rate maybe they just add on another 2% to it in addition to driving more traffic to the sales page. Oh, and then maybe they implement something to turn cold leads into hot ones and increase the conversion rate that way.

By the end of the day all they have to do is find 10 ways to increase the conversion rate by just one percent and they will hit their 10% increase mark.

This is the basis of percentage theory.

So, here is my theory.

Trust works the same way.

In order to regain trust you can’t sit there and try to increase the “conversion rate” all at once. Instead, you have to do multiple things to regain the trust and it is going to take time to do that.

Do you understand now?

There isn’t any one thing that you can do to regain your exes trust. Instead, you are going to have to do A LOT of things to increase the “percentage.”

Lets take a look at what some of those things are.

Rebuilding Trust Factor #1- Re-Build Rapport

Have you ever taken the liberty to look up the definition of “rapport?”

Well, let me save you some time,

Rapport- relation marked by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity

Now tell me… right now would you describe your relationship with your ex boyfriend as harmonious?

Probably not…

In fact, a big reason for why your ex boyfriend probably doesn’t trust you is the fact that he has no rapport with you.

Now, I know what you are thinking.

“Can rebuilding rapport really be that big of a deal to get him to trust me and ultimately open up to me?”

It can and I will show you why.

Speaking personally whenever I talk to someone who I get along with I tend to open up more. In other words, if a rapport is being built and I feel good about it I am more likely to share personal information about myself. Now, I am a bit of enigma to the acquaintances I have in my personal life.

What do I mean by this?

The other day someone asked what I did for a living.

Rather than saying that I am a relationship consultant who helps people repair their relationships with their exes I just told this person that I run an online business. I have learned that this is the best way to avoid further questions about me helping men and women get back with their exes.

Why wouldn’t I want to talk about helping people with their exes.

There’s a negative stigma behind it.

A look I get.

People scoff at me or roll their eyes. Heck, sometimes people look at me and then look at my wife and say to her,

“Your with this guy? How does he even provide for you?”

In other words, these experiences have caused me not to trust others when I talk about my job.

HOWEVER…

I do recall rather recently that I was talking with someone on the tennis courts near my home and I ended up building a good rapport with him. Eventually the rapport that the two of us built gave me the confidence to open up and tell him what I really did for a living.

In other words, instead of the generic,

“I run an online business” answer that I give to everyone else.

I answered with,

“I actually run two of the biggest relationships websites online. I teach men and women how to get back with their exes and I absolutely love it.”

The rapport that I built with this guy made me think,

“Hey, this guy is ok. I can open up to him.”

And for the first time in a long time I felt I wasn’t being judged when I talked about what I did for a living. I felt that he got a sense of how passionate I am about it.

So, how does any of this tie in with your ex?

Well, building rapport with your ex can be looked at as a way to loosen him up and get him to talk to you honestly. Right now he is very rigid and tentative when he talks to you. However, if you get some good rapport built with him the chances of him trusting you enough to open up to you are that much greater.

Rebuilding Trust Factor #2- Be A Constant Force

Lets get YOU involved in this for once.

Right now I want you to take out a piece of paper and write down the five people that you see the most in your life.

More specifically, who are the people that you spend the most time with?

Some of you will say your parents.

Some will say your friends.

Heck, some may even say that you spend the most time with a college professor or teacher.

Others may have the unlucky answer of saying a co-worker or boss.

But right now I just want you to write down who you end up spending most of your time with.

…..

…..

…..

Do you have it?

Good!

Ok, now out of that list I want you to pick the three people you trust the most.

Maybe I should play along first though and lead by example (which is actually the next section.)

Ok, here is the list of the five people I spend the most time with right now,

  1. My Wife
  2. My Dad
  3. My Mom
  4. My Brother
  5. You Guys

Out of these five people here are the ones that I trust the most,

  1. My Wife
  2. My Parents
  3. My Brother

Well, it just so happens that these three people are the ones that I spend most of my time with.

Now, when we look at your list can we the say the same?

Are the people you trust the most the ones that you spend the most time with?

My guess is yes.

You see, over the years I have found a correlation between trust and the time you spend with a person. In other words, most of us only like to spend our time with people that we trust.

You know what this means, right?

It means that YOU are going to have to find a way to weed yourself back into your exes life.

You need to become that constant force.

The girl he talks to when he is having a bad day.

The girl he has amazing rapport with.

The girl he feels he can open up to…

Get it?

Become a constant in his life and then he will trust you.

STRATEGY THREE: LEAD BY EXAMPLE

knowledge

I am going to tell you a fun little story about myself.

When I was younger I was obsessed with playing baseball.

You see, I was lucky enough to be gifted with a pretty good arm and some pretty good accuracy so I ended up being a pitcher 10 years ago in high school. Now, since I was from the Houston area I ended up watching a lot of baseball from the Houston Astros.

The Astros had one pitcher in particular that I thought had the coolest pitching motion, Roy Oswalt.

oswalt

I remember that any time he would play I would watch him and study everything about his motion.

Start after start I would watch him and game after game I would incorporate his motion into mine. Pretty soon I had studied him so much and incorporated so much of his motion into my own that the teammates on my high school baseball team would start calling me by his name.

Looking back 10 years later with more knowledge about the world I can finally understand why I was so driven to copy his pitching motion.

Of course, in order to understand why I did it we first need to understand the psychological principle of mirroring.

What Is Mirroring?

Mirroring is a psychological principle that I learned about in college when I was taking a class in psychology.

The premise of it is actually quite clever.

Imagine that you are sitting across from a guy that you really like.

Hmm…

Lets pretend this guy is Brad Pitt.

bp

Ok, so you are sitting at a table across from Brad Pitt.

Your first reaction upon realizing you are in this situation is,

“OMG OMG OMG OMG I CANT BELIEVE I AM REALLY HERE!”

After you get over the shock of being in such a dream scenario you and Mr. Pitt start having a pretty nice conversation.

But then something happens…

Pitt leans back in his chair and you do the same.

Then Pitt leans in and you follow suit.

Heck, you even notice that you are copying his speech patterns.

As more time goes on you begin to realize that you are copying ALL of his behavior.

This is mirroring in a nutshell.

Mirroring- When a person subconsciously imitates the gestures, attitude or speech of a person

Now, that’s the official definition but the truth is that I would like to add a little something to the definition. In my opinion mirroring is more likely to happen when you like or look up to the person.

Take my example of Roy Oswalt above.

As a teenager Roy Oswalt was someone that I really looked up to. As I studied him I incorporated elements of his pitching style into my own. In other words, I mirrored him.

And this brings us full circle to having open and vulnerable communication with your ex boyfriend and the idea of leading by example.

Mirroring & Leading By Example

Everything before the section on “leading by example” has all been about rebuilding rapport with your ex and getting him to trust you.

Well, do you remember my little “add on” to the official definition of mirroring?

I mentioned that in my opinion I think mirroring is more likely to happen if you like or look up to the person.

In other words, the more your ex boyfriend likes you or looks up to you the more likely he is to mirror you.

So, everything before the section on “leading by example” has been leading you to this point. I want you to lead by example by being open and vulnerable yourself. The idea is that if he likes you enough he will follow your lead and potentially mirror your behavior.

Of course, your behavior = being open and vulnerable in your communication.

Now, I know I make it sound super easy but the truth is that it’s not. In fact, you are going to find that it is actually going to be quite challenging to get an ex boyfriend to mirror you but that’s why everything works in tandem. That’s why you have to have enough trust built before you really start trying this mirroring method out.

STRATEGY FOUR: TIME

car

Ah the last strategy.

What I am about to say here isn’t exactly revolutionary but it is important.

So far I have covered three big strategies for getting an ex boyfriend to be willing to have open and vulnerable communication with you.

  1. Understanding His Fear Of Rejection
  2. Rebuilding Trust With Him
  3. Mirroring

Well, this last strategy is all encompassing in the fact that it deals directly with each of the three things mentioned above.

How does that work?

Ok, with the exception of “understanding his fear of rejection,” rebuilding trust and mirroring take time.

You can’t just do it right out of the gates and expect an ex to respond to it.

No, you have to do it slowly and surely.

And TIME is required for that.

So, that’s the final strategy.

Manage your expectations and understand that this process is going to take time.

One of the biggest mistakes that I see women continually make is the fact that they want everything at once. They want results super fast. Well, getting the kind of open communication you want doesn’t always work that way. In fact, in most cases it takes time.

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241 thoughts on “How To Have Open And Vulnerable Communication With Your Ex Boyfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Jennifer

    May 26, 2020 at 3:04 am

    We broke up one year now, i gave up on the idea of getting back together with him and decided to never contact him again, he reached out to me and wanted to talk, he really opened up, even told me that he was at therapy and regretted how mean he was towards me during our relationship, but he didn’t ask me back, only said that I deserve much better than him. What does that mean and what he wants?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 29, 2020 at 4:58 pm

      Hi Jennifer, it sounds more like a “closure” conversation. If you wanted to reconcile your relationship then I would suggest that you start the texting phase of the program.

  2. Avatar

    Mae

    May 23, 2020 at 3:09 am

    This article has a lot of useful and honest information. I enjoyed reading it. And they all makes sense

  3. Avatar

    Amour

    April 13, 2020 at 12:49 am

    Hello,
    My ex and I have been broken up for 2 years as of April 5th of this year. He has remained persistent in his contact over the past year..texting almost every other week if not every week since August. He’s very adamant about him just wanting to reach out and keep the basis of communication open but I feel that I know better than that. Most recently he expressed that he does miss me and spoke of future plans. After coming to a point of reconciliation I agreed to open the basis of communication on my end. He asked for open communication, and to hangout with no expectations..just to let things flow and see where it goes. I’m pleased that for once he can just be honest about his intentions and stop being weird with the weekly messages and just be a man an go for what it is that he desires. The breakup was pretty awful and happened so long ago that I don’t want to return to that negative space so reading this article was definitely very helpful if the ex-relationship decides to move forward. We both were young and the communication and understanding of love languages lacked big time. We shall see…

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 22, 2020 at 12:46 am

      Hi Amour I am so glad the article is helpful and keep reading through them that would help you in your situation. Stick to the program and you will see great results for yourself

  4. Avatar

    Kay

    January 17, 2020 at 2:07 pm

    Hello, I have been destroyed by my boyfriend of 5 yrs. up to this point our committed relationship was the warm, loving, caring, absolutely wonderful relationship one always dreamed of. We’ve made plans for our future together by setting retirement goals. Making commitments on property. When he gave me a promise ring last year he asked if I would grow old with him and also he announced it in my family. And That he does me til the day I die.I believed in our foundation of communication trust and honestly we are firmly in place. We live a short distance from each other about an hour 45 minutes but we have always made an effort to see each other during the week and spend weekends together whether it’s at my place. We were very active and I have many friends that keep us busy as well as we both have adult children that keep us just as busy. Two weeks ago he dropped a bomb on me. He said he couldn’t resist temptation and couldn’t live with the guilt any longer, that he had and affair for 2 yrs of our 5 yrs together!!!!
    He proceeded to tell me that she tossed him out after he told her about me and our relationship.
    I was just stunned gunned. Like a deer in headlights. I knew he expected me to throw him out of my house. However I did not I mean calm cool and collected and asked a few questions regarding this affair. I Asked why he didn’t tell me after the first time he was unfaithful. In finding out two years later is deceitful and dishonest and disgraceful. I also told him every time he slept with her he had made a mental decision to deceive me. Then I found out that he had lied to me some more that very evening the next day. He told me he’d do whatever I wanted . I told him I needed a few days to wrap my head around this . On the third day I was prepared to ask him if our love for each other could look backwards find the crack repair The crack which would mean his total transparency in seeking professional help. But a funny thing happened, he wouldn’t let me discuss any options and would interrupt me continuously When it was my turn to talk. he told me that he assumed I would throw him out based on past conversations about the situation that he continued to call and text the other woman and wants to be with her. I’ve Been totally used, emotionally abused, disrespected and destroyed. The insane part is that he professes to love me!!!! I haven’t spoke to him in a week I feel I want to Then another part of me says no just pick up the pieces and keep going but I have no idea what just happened or why this happened.
    I don’t know what to do next please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 11:06 pm

      Hi Kay, I am so sorry you are going through this! Hearing of an affair is heartbreaking so make sure you take time to get over that hurt and give yourself some time to think about what you want to do going forward. If you want to forgive your ex and want to get back with him then you need to consider this from all the work that is going to go into being in a healthy relationship again. Can you trust him again?

      https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/how-to-steal-your-ex-from-the-other-woman/ give this article a read and see how you feel going forward

  5. Avatar

    Sarah

    January 16, 2020 at 7:35 pm

    Chris,

    My ex and I have been broken up for a month, mainly because we both will be spending about a year and a half abroad. We were together for a bit over a year. I did no contact to get my head straight (about 30 days), and reached out to him recently to say I understand the breakup and that if he’s ready to talk I’m open to it. He responded positively, but said he’s not ready to talk, but he looks forward to hearing about my time away. He said he would welcome staying friends if I wanted. I didn’t say yes or no, but thanked him for understanding. Neither of us have each other on social media, but we’ll be back in the same city eventually and I still think we are good for one another. Should I do anything now?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 16, 2020 at 9:41 pm

      Hey Sarah so this is difficult where you are going to still have this distance between you and that is what he is focused on. Where long distance relationships exist, if one party does not want that for themselves it is going to be a case of doing the work to become Ungettable to make him value you more and want to be in a relationship with you. As you have done the no contact, but then reached out about the break up it means you now have to do another but reach out as a friend not anything to do with your past or emotional conversations as you just had

  6. Avatar

    Marie s

    June 13, 2019 at 7:01 pm

    What if you were already in contact, had good rapport but then he saif he’s in a relationship? I feel like any message I send would be totally inappropriate.. Should I give up?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      June 13, 2019 at 10:16 pm

      HI Marie..so giving up may not be the right move here. Sometimes the “other” relationship is a rebound or grass is greener. Better to employ a sensible ex recovery plan which I get in to in my Program EBR Pro Bundle.

  7. Avatar

    Mark

    October 31, 2018 at 12:50 pm

    Recently met up with ex. She dumped me last month due to becoming emotionally detached from LDR.

    After the meet up she said things still feel emotionally empty and she wants to be friends for now. She said maybe in future we can see if things change.

    We used to text a lot when we were in LDR but I feel this is no longer effective since she feels demotionally distant and doesn’t reciprocate much.

    I now live 2 miles away and have an opportunity to see her at her cardio class at the gym and slowly build rapport. I feel like this is the only I will be able to slowly connect with her over time in person.

    Since she has kind of left the possibility open in future I feel like I have to try.

    She lost faith in me and emotionally withdrew because I had to keep postponing my move to her town for a year and she felt mislead.

    Thoughts?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      November 1, 2018 at 3:06 am

      Hi Mark!

      Sounds like she needs some space. Probably best to try no contact, but give her a heads up you need some healing and quiet time and also desire to work on being a better you. My site is full of resources, tools, and other helpful information.

  8. Avatar

    Brenda

    August 21, 2018 at 12:58 pm

    Hi Chris,

    I really need your help. I think my situation is confusing and I don’t even know where to start. I was with my boyfriend for almost a year (we lived together), then I began feeling afraid he would leave me and I quite frankly became a monster. I was jealous and did not give him his time to do stuff. One day he just broke up with me and left, the thing is we are co workers, and we hang out with the same friends every day. So I have no idea where I should start to get him back or what strategy I should use

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 21, 2018 at 10:31 pm

      Hi Brenda!

      I know what you mean. All breakups create some confusion and chaos. Don’t beat yourself up so much. Both people in a relationship are responsible for a breakup. It is wise to have a solid ex recovery plan. That is what my website is about. It involves a lot of things. I encourage you to go to my site’s home page and look at some of the resources I make available. My 485 page ebook, “Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro” is a good start, so take a look at that first!

  9. Avatar

    Annie

    March 11, 2017 at 9:15 am

    Loved the description of the man’s mindset after a breakup – so spot on! 😀

  10. Avatar

    Faith

    January 18, 2017 at 11:39 am

    Hi
    I have had so much advice from friends that i should move on with my life. Well I’m not really ready to do so coz i love my ex so much. I’m only on the 7th day of no contact and I’m really scared he might not text. I’ve made so many mistakes after the break up including contacting him so many times, calling him and having sex with him. I’m so discouraged that he’ll never come back because of how it all ended.I cheated on him with his friend and he was so upset. It’s not the first time that he’s cought me on the wrong with same thing to do with cheating. He warned me not to ever cheat again coz it would be the end of us… but this time round i did that because he sent he’s friend to come test me.. He assured his friend that I’d give him sex and that he should ask for it.. I was so mad after his friend sent me the conversation as prove and that he was cheating on me..i remember the part he wanted his friend to send him a sex video because he told him he had a girl that very night in the conversation they had.He had not sent the whole conversation but after i had sex with him as a way to revenge to my ex.After not talking to my ex for three days.. I decided to send him the prove his friend had sent to me. He told me it was just a test but I was so mad and couldn’t trust him. The next time i went to his friend I asked the friend to give me his phone and i saw the rest of the conversation where by my ex told him to tell me it was all a test after i approached him.. It really hurt me that it’s like it was a plan and he thought i was available to other guys too. I don’t know if i can save our relationship and start a fresh even after that. I told his friend not to tell him about the sex because i forced myself to trust him. His friend told him everything and he dumped me. He sent him my way and he assured him I’d give him sex yet he couldn’t give me another chance after he found out.
    He always told me that if i had confessed he would not have been mad and that if i thought he had a chiq.. I would approach him and not have sex. I think we were both wrong but i love him.
    He wants us to be good friends but I have a feeling it’s because of sex.. I have read about building a rapport and I wanna try so he can trust me as we start off as friends. Should i go ahead?My friends advice me to move on but i love him.before i decided to embark on the no contact I had broken another no contact where by i picked his call on the fifth day.. He had texted and i didn’t reply so he called on thr fifth day. It’s true that when we love someone so much we tend to fall in love with their imperfections and I did with my boyfriend. I texted him before i started the current no contact making him aware of how much i love. He still told we have history but we can’t date because he doesn’t trust me. He unblocked me but because I’m on no contact i decided to delete his number. I may have made a mistake by approaching his friend about the story as to why i cheated during my current no contact but he told me that he thinks my ex knows I’m easy to get. I think he may have sent him or told him about our conversation and he is angry. He doesn’t like the fact that i approach his friend to solve our issues. Please advice me coz my situation is messed up. We broke up 3 months ago and i’ve been doing the wrong things. Should i just cool down give him time and start off as friends while i build rapport so he can trust me? Help

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 18, 2017 at 8:38 pm

      Hi Faith,

      it’s been toxic..I think you should do 45 days and stick to it to really have a chance..

  11. Avatar

    Jenny

    May 20, 2016 at 10:41 am

    Hi, good people! Please help me to figure out what to do. I met him a year ago, i knew he liked me but we were sort of friends and nothing more, but I hoped some day he will do smth about it and waited. Finally, after a year, two weeks ago he texted me and asked if I could meet him because he wanted to talk to me in person. Then we met and he offered to date. I was very happy and then we met on weekends and saw a movie. Then throughout the next week he texted me, called me, everything was fine. One evening he texted to know how was I doing, I told him I was a little busy. Then he disappeared for 3 days, no texts, nothing, even though we agreed to meet on weekends, he did not text or call me about the meeting. I was silent and just did not want to sem needy and waited for him to text or call me. Then after the weekends were over, and after 2 days, after overall 5 days of no contact at all, he texted me “It seems like I am not ready to have a relationship. I`m out”. It was 2 days ago. That`s all. I am shocked. I liked him very much and I was getting feeing that he really likes me too. I want to know what happened and want to talk to him in person. But I am scared of pain if he tells me that I am boring or smth rude like this… Too bad I like him so much I cant stop being despearte and sad about all this… I don`t know what to do. Please tell me what is best to do now?! Thank you very much in advance!!!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 25, 2016 at 11:23 am

      Hi Jenny,
      it’s been 4 days, has he told you the reason why? if not, proceed to no contact

  12. Avatar

    Holly

    May 10, 2016 at 5:29 pm

    This article is NULL and VOID if you and your bf breakup because your bf is a narcissist.
    And then you really don;t want to get him back. You want to celebrate looking at him i the rear view mirror.

  13. Avatar

    Lauren

    April 24, 2016 at 10:55 pm

    Hi Amor,

    1. What is the best frequency to talk to my bf? Sometimes he calls me to check on me how I’m doing. The calls are usually 5 mins. Whenever he calls me, I don’t answer him until I call back after 15 minutes. Sometimes I don’t call back because I know he’s just checking on me.

    2. There was a discussion that made me to disagree with him. It was a future prospect topic. How do i tell him nicely that I do not agree without implying that I’m grumbling/complaining or yelling?

    Thanks

    1. Avatar

      Lauren

      April 28, 2016 at 11:08 am

      I feel that he’s getting complacent. The calls are shorter and he’s acting less interested. Can I just answer his calls the next day or maybe a few hours later?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 1, 2016 at 7:59 am

      yeah you can do that

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 26, 2016 at 6:21 pm

      Hi Lauren,

      you said bf? you’re together? That’s just normal that he checks on you… if it’s too much then just don’t answer some of it.. If the topic does not arise, and if it will just cause an argument, just agree to disagree.. If you really have to talk about it.. wait until he is in the best mood, so both of you can listen to each to other and you won’t have misunderstandings.

  14. Avatar

    Brittany

    April 16, 2016 at 4:40 am

    Hi Amor,
    I am currently going on 3 weeks in the no contact zone with my boyfriend of 3 years. before the NC I asked him what he wanted out of our relationship bc we aren’t going anywhere. I explained I was NOT talking about marriage but about traveling together and him trusting me and respecting me and us being the bc and gf we’ve always wanted to be. I love him dearly with all my heart and I’m very committed to him since day 1 even through all our struggles. He told me that he cannot change into the guy I want him to be and he will move out the way for another guy. I told him this wasn’t what I was expecting and even though it hurts I appreciate his honesty. I also said it seems that I am the only one holding on to this relationship so I’m going to give it a shot and let go. I then severed all ties. For the first week and a half he used a different number to text me over 200 messages making promises he made before and begging me to talk to him and tell him if he wanted me to leave him alone (all of which I ignored). He said he wants to do everything he told me he couldn’t do and he called me from random numbers all through the night and day (I also ignored). He told me he is lost without me and doesn’t know what to do. And also, for the first time since we started dating he changed his Facebook profile to he and I. Now he hasn’t tried contacting me at all. I miss him so much and I want to be in his arms so bad this is the longest I have ignored him. It is really hard to plaster a smile everyday like everything is going okay. It is really hard to get out of bed. I have cried every night for him. I am doing everything I can to be active but it seems that my energy has drained and it is truly a battle to do anything. I am however committed to making it through the NC bc I cannot go on the way we are. Is there any advice you can give me please?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 18, 2016 at 6:08 am

      Hi Brittany,

      if he has sent a series of at least 10 positive text to get back to you, you can break nc.. but if you want to finish it, that’s ok too.

  15. Avatar

    Kaye

    April 7, 2016 at 10:49 am

    Hi! My ex and I were together 2 years. In May we will have been broken up a year. I haven’t seen him in 8 months. He’s dated someone else. They aren’t together now.
    2 months ago he called and apologized for everything and wanted to talk more often. We have been. We even talk on the phone a lot, and it’s fun. (We haven’t seen each other yet, though we tried but we live 3 hours apart.)
    He asked if I would like to drive out of state with him to pick up his boss from an airport. It would be a 2 day trip. I was extremely excited. 4 days later, 4 days before the trip, he tells me his mom says it’s not a good idea to take me, that it would be awkward because he is also picking up his ex. I was unaware of this. He apologized, but I was short because I was shocked and felt that my feelings hadn’t been considered. I could tell he felt bad.. But he should have told me.
    It’s been a few days since we talked and I’m unsure how to convey how I feel disappointed and unconsidered without putting him on the defense. (IF he ever talks to me again.) Thanks so much in advance!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2016 at 3:11 am

      Hi Kaye,

      try to write everything you feel, unedited on paper first, don’t send it. And then after a few days, when you’re less emotional send an edited letter/pm/email/text, a more rational way of conveyinf what you felt.. but that also means you have to restart no contact after that if he doesn’t truly apologize

  16. Avatar

    Lauren

    April 7, 2016 at 6:30 am

    Hi Amor,

    I know my guy from a dating site. The relationship has been so good so far. I made a small talk about closing the accounts in the dating site. I closed down mine and he made his thereafter. He also mentioned that he didnt intend to go there anymore. He had found his “treasure”. After some days, I returned to the site. Well, I just wanted to be sure that he DID closed his account. I found out he put his profile as taking a break from dating site. It appeared that he closed his account temporarily. I called him and asked indirectly. He said the same thing of no plans of returning to the site. It makes me feel insecure to be thinking about this. If I told him about his status at the dating site, he would feel as if I’m checking on him. How do i go about raising this issue to him?

    After much thinking, I was intending to put as the same status as him. Don’t want to go too fast nor slow. If he’s putting it on hold, maybe I should do the same thing. Or do I have the status unchanged as closing my profile permanently? I’m not sure of what to do.

    Thanks for reading.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 9, 2016 at 2:51 am

      Hi lauren,

      don’t do the same thing but observe in the coming weeks of he changes it.. if he doesn’t better think about if you should really trust him

  17. Avatar

    Tate

    March 11, 2016 at 3:47 pm

    Hello!
    my boyfriend broke up with me about a week and a half ago. We are both 21 and go to the same college. I went to go visit his family over christmas break and they LOVED me. then when I got back to college he seemed a little distant so I asked him about it. He told me that he had realized that he had grown “too attached” to me and was trying to work through that and maybe that was why I felt that way. So a couple of days go by and I confront him again because I felt like we weren’t connected and all he wanted to do was nap and tell me it was a bad time … and it might have been but lately when I tried to talk he would prolong it for days. In this we almost broke up because he told me he wasn’t going to change and I didn’t want that. (also keep in mind that he has broken up with me once before due to commitment issues and came back saying he wanted to commit to me … and for the last year he has and the relationship has been AMAZING and beautiful). But I ended up telling him that I would do anything to be with him. because I love him a lot and every couple is going to have a rough patch. After that I could see him trying with me which was sweet but not exactly in the right areas. we were together for 3 more weeks and had no fights then one day I left his place and he texted me why i had been acting a little weird lately. which I don’t think I had been but I told him the truth that in order for me to be okay with you detaching I had to detach a bit myself and by that I mean I had to have no expectations of the relationship so that I don’t get let down. He called me spiteful and I told him I just wanted to communicate like we used to and be the team we always talked about – then he sends me a text that “it’s not working Tate”. and I thought he had been somewhat happy until this point. I went and got my stuff immediately and sent one text later that day asking if this was what he REALLY wanted. He said yes – also when I went to get my things I didn’t cry or anything we kept it casual and he made breakfast and tried not to look or talk to me. He never had an issue with communication and he has changed but I still want to be with him. I think he just made a rash decision and I KNOW he is going to regret it. I know he is probably hurting just as much as me but I also know he is stubborn just like me and won’t admit or act on his feelings. We truly are each others best friends and I know he thinks that about me. Where does this leave me? He has been hurt and the past and I just wan’t to make him happy – because that makes me the happiest girl in the world. How do I get a stubborn person to communicate with me when they are at a non-communicative stage in their life with me? PLEASE as much info or in-depth analysis as you can get! he is a special case! And I really don’t want to lose the one I love to something like this. ALSO I have been doing really good with all the rules while in the NO CONTACT period.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 12, 2016 at 10:52 am

      Hi Tate,

      I think you’re not half way no contact right? So keep it up..and it’s good that you’re doing good.. you said this happened before right? There is a good chance that no contact will work if you keep at it.. and be active..keep yourself busy and improve yourself too.. if he sees your posts and that you’re trying to move on.. he may have a change of heart

  18. Avatar

    s

    March 2, 2016 at 9:56 am

    My ex boyfriend said to me that now he wants to earn some money to go away… to go in another region or even country… I’m scared to lose him forever… can I do anything? I have to get him back in a fast way…

    1. Avatar

      s

      March 2, 2016 at 9:03 pm

      no he wasn’t angry anymore… we were texting in a “calm” way and he told me that the work that has now it’s not what he wants… and that he wants only to earn money and go away… I hope that if I will get him beach he would like to change idea or that he would like to go away with me… but now he dosen’t love me anymore so the most impotant thing is “wake up” his feeeling I think…

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 3, 2016 at 11:07 am

      if that’s what he really wants in life, then stopping him, if you get back together, can lead to resentment to you in the long run..

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 2, 2016 at 4:48 pm

      So, he’s not angry anymore about the jealousy text? I wish I can say yo can do that..but the truth is, if it’s forced it won’t happen.. and if you get him back now, it would be a lkng distance relationship..are you or him ready for that?

  19. Avatar

    Mary

    February 26, 2016 at 8:04 am

    A year passed and i did the no contact thing. We did speak and have nice little conversations and eventually by almost the end of the year he confessed his feelings for me. We talked through text for awhile from there and have seen one another in social gatherings and yet haven’t had a real conversation in person. He spoke about getting back together and that every girl he’s tried to get to know, not once has he had an emotional attatchment and that it’s always been me. Even after everything i still loved him and hoped for the best but deep down wished for a second chance. So thank you for the advice that got me there. I told him to wait and see me in person and we can talk. After making plans to get back together, due to outside problem he said we should stop. Then i just ended our talk and he apoligized and wanted to talk and said he still liked me but wasn’t ready for a relationship. Funny thing is i never mentioned getting back, he did. All i wanted was to get to know him again, catch up, see him in person THEN start over. I said to get to know eachother and then see eachother and then see where it goes, it’s common sense. He started flirting and saying ily again and i replied nuetrally because i just wanted to speak in person first. Now when we speak sometimes he doesn’t keep the convo going and i confronted him about that and he said he’d be more talkative but then started acting the same by being distant. Just talking through text, he controlled my mood and i hated it. I’m doing the no contact thing till i figure out what to do and I’d like this last piece of advice, what should i do? I really just want to see him in person because then things will play well and i want our redo. Our breakup even occurred around the time we didn’t see one another in person. How do i make him want to see me? Thank you.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 27, 2016 at 5:59 am

      Hi Mary,

      did he say anything about not wanting to meet in person? or how did you respond when he said ily?

  20. Avatar

    Bella

    February 18, 2016 at 12:37 pm

    Hey Amor! Hope you’re doing good.

    My boyfriend of five years broke up with me in August, two weeks before my sister died. He then moved in with my best friend (they’re not in a relationship) however this ruined my friendship with her.

    I tried to get him back for awhile, which he completely strung me along for (giving me chocolates for my birthday, texting me before nights out, saying he couldn’t say yes or no to seeing us get back together). About three months ago I told him I’m done making an effort with him and if he wants me in his life he has to work at it….

    So he didn’t talk to me for almost three months! In which time I got out and (mostly) got over him.

    So about three weeks ago he adds me on snapchat out of the blue. A week later he messages me and asks to meet up. I went along, he told me how he found a suicide victim and apologized to me for his actions at a time when I needed support ect. He seemed upset for the whole encounter. Ever since then there’s been a complete 180 flip of the situation, he texts me most days, replies straight away and we’ve met up a few times and things have been fine.

    My problem is that I don’t know if he wants me back or is just wants me as a ‘friend’ because it’s obvious that I’m doing better than he is. I could contemplate forgiving him and taking him back, and I don’t mind re-forming a connection in order to start again. However, I don’t really see the point in wasting time on a friendship that I’ll want to give up on if either of us get in a relationship, or just being used for support. I’d like to ask him what he wants but I’m not really sure how to approach it, and I don’t really want to ruin things.

    I’d really appreciate any advice you have on the situation 🙂

    1. Avatar

      Bella

      February 18, 2016 at 6:20 pm

      Thanks for replying!

      I’m not really to be honest. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to be ‘just friends’ with so much history and I don’t really think it’s fair on new partners to maintain a friendship with an ex. Not to mention that I don’t need his support, I’ve plenty of actual just friends who fill that void, and I owe him nothing.

      I know he doesn’t have the same support network around him. I don’t mind being there for him for the moment, but I know I’m not fully over him and I really don’t want to take a step backwards, also I don’t just exist for him to use me emotionally.

      We weren’t speaking for ages so it’s not like he suddenly lost me as a friend. The only reasons I can think of for him wanting to open up communication are that he thinks he wants me back or he needs a support/ego boost.

      He was a good boyfriend for the most part, he broke up with me because we weren’t happy anymore. I was unemployed and stressed because of my sisters illness, so I was unhappy in general. I think he blamed me for his unhappiness and thought that getting rid of me would make him happy. Now I think he’s realizing he was wrong because I’m loving life and he’s more miserable than I’ve ever known him.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 19, 2016 at 8:21 am

      You have to observe of he’s making an effort to go back with you and if he’s making friends.. So, if you’re sure that he’s just making friends, then politely tell him you can’t do it

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2016 at 4:54 pm

      Hi Bella,

      Thank you for asking.. I’m good!

      So, if ever he wants to be just friends you’re not open to it?

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