Lets pretend that you and your ex boyfriend have just broken up and you decide that you want to get him back.
Here’s the thing though, you want to get him back the right way.
Oh, and in case you are wondering there is a right way to get him back and there is a wrong way to get him back. So, you do what any woman in your position would do, RESEARCH.
Throughout your research you begin to realize that getting an ex boyfriend back the right way is quite challenging. It’s all about building attraction, rapport, texting, calling, in-person encounters, no contact rules, you get the picture. But here is what your research doesn’t cover.
What if your ex boyfriend is uncooperative?
What if he won’t text you back?
What if he doesn’t pick up when you call?
What if he isn’t even open to the idea of communicating?
Most women give up at that point but every once in a while a woman comes in and cracks the “man code” and figures out how to open their exes up.
How to properly communicate with them.
That’s what I intend to teach you about today.
Why Having Open & Vulnerable Communication With An Ex Boyfriend Is Important
Ex Boyfriend Recovery has become one of the premier websites on ex recovery.
Would you like to know why?
It’s because I go all out when I write content for you guys to read.
Seriously, I challenge you to look elsewhere online and find a website that writes as in-depth articles as I do when it comes to getting an ex back.
Chances are high that you won’t be able to find one.
Anyways, that’s besides the point.
This article is going to act as a blueprint for you to have open and vulnerable communication with your ex boyfriend. Which as I am sure you are already learning isn’t always the easiest thing to achieve.
Now, you may find yourself wondering,
“What’s the big deal about having open and vulnerable communication? Why is it even important?”
Well, in order to properly answer this we are going to have to take a step back and look at the state your relationship with your ex is probably in right now.
Your Exes Mindset After A Breakup
I feel I can bring a lot to the table when it comes to getting into the mind of a man after a breakup because I have been there.
Yes, in case you forgot I AM a man and I HAVE been through breakups.
Now, before I get to the goods I do feel it is important to mention that I am not going to be holding anything back here. In other words, what I am about to unveil to you isn’t going to be the dressed up/politically correct version that my counterparts tell you about men and breakups.
Nope, I am going to give you the down and dirty version.
The version that the so called “experts” are afraid to tell you about.
I guess the best way to start this off is to start with a fun little infographic that I put together,
I like to call this little infographic “The Ex Boyfriends Mindset After A Breakup.”
You may notice that there are four main emotions/reactions that an ex boyfriend can have after a breakup that will ultimately shape his mindset.
Lets take a moment to go through each of those one by one now.
(Oh, and I promise you that I will explain how the open and vulnerable communication comes into play in a second.)
Let’s start with our first “shaping of the mindset,” sad/angry/uncaring.
Mindset Shaper #1- Sad/Angry/Uncaring
It may seem weird to say these three things at once but I promise you that there is a method to my madness.
Lets pretend that your ex boyfriend has just experienced a breakup right now at this very moment.
How do you think he is going to react?
Well, no matter how you slice it he isn’t going to react well.
In fact, there are probably three ways he is going to initially react.
He will either be super sad which you will see in men who immediately beg for you back (assuming you were the one that broke up with them.)
He could be very angry which you will see in men who are very mad and start calling you names (not an uncommon reaction when you think about it.)
He could be very uncaring. What do I mean by this? Simple, he will act like the breakup doesn’t bother him or say something like, “PHEW, that was a weight off my chest.”
Chances are at least one (or a combination of all) are going to factor into your ex boyfriends mindset after the breakup.
Lets move on to our next mindset shaper so we can get close to determining why it is so important to have open and vulnerable communication with your ex.
Mindset Shaper #2- Playing The Victim
Men have a strange fascination with playing the victim.
Probably because the victim gets all the sympathy and the person who isn’t the victim gets all the hate.
What I would like to do now is tell you a little story about a guy named Joe.
So, Joe was not exactly the best person to be in a relationship with.
He was overly jealous, possessive and freaked out over the smallest of things going wrong. So, one day his girlfriend had enough of his shenanigans and decided to cut ties with him completely. Joe reacted as suspected and immediately freaked out about the whole thing but what happened next his ex girlfriend did not expect.
She heard through the grapevine about how HE was the one that was so great in the relationship and how SHE was the one that was a monster.
So, what the heck happened here?
Why is Joe blatantly lying about the way things went down in the relationship?
Well, in his mind HE is the victim because of the emotional roller coaster that his ex is putting him through.
If there is one thing that human beings resist with every bone in their body it’s change.
Joe was probably used the the way things were and when that routine got interrupted he got emotional. As a result of being emotional he felt he was the victim because his ex was the one who changed things up. So, when you are looking at your ex boyfriends mindset after a breakup you have to consider the victim effect.
Now, I think it goes without saying that sometimes men are the victim in relationships. Sometimes their exes are the one who act crazy and deserve to get broken up with. I guess what I am trying to say is that there are two sides to every coin but every time that coin is flipped the same result is going to pop up, being the victim.
Mindset Shaper #3- Viewing You As The Enemy
So far the first two mindset shapers that I covered were,
- Being angry, sad or uncaring
- Playing the victim
From an ex boyfriends perspective are any of these two shapers good?
No man wants to sit there and be angry or sad. Oh, and most men don’t want to feel like they are the victim (though there are some that definitely do like it.) When you are looking at these two mindset shapers the thing you have to understand is that more often than not they negatively impact an ex and guess who is at the forefront of that negative impact?
Lets do another fun example since I think you guys get a lot out of that.
Lets take Joe and pretend that when him and his ex broke up he felt very angry and decided to play the victim. Ultimately when he closes his eyes at night and thinks about the situation he is in there is one source of his pain, his ex. So, what do you think he does when he comes to this realization.
He views his ex as the enemy.
I can speak about this one because this is something I definitely did during a breakup with my ex.
Once I came to the realization that all the source of my pain came as a result of my ex I viewed her as public enemy number one.
Oh, and you better believe that I am not some unique guy that this has only happened to. Chances are high that if I came to that conclusion at one point your ex potentially did as well.
Mindset Shaper #4- Retaliation
When men have an enemy we like to do something to that enemy.
Any idea what that something is?
Ok, all kidding aside we like to destroy any enemy.
You see this a lot in men who talk bad about you behind your back post breakup.
Oh, and for the record yours truly even wasn’t above it.
In fact, if I recall correctly I bashed my ex but more specifically her parents.
Long story but in short they were very intrusive and a little bit overprotective and I always felt like I was their enemy. I remember talking to her best friend about how glad I was that I had broken up with my ex and how her parents were super crazy.
Her best friend pretty much did what any best friend would do.
She backed up her best friend and told me that her friends parents were super nice.
I guess my point in telling you all this is that if you have an ex boyfriend who you feel is lashing out at you it is probably because he is mentally gone through this mindset process and ended up retaliating.
How Does Open And Vulnerable Communication Factor Into All This?
Take a good look at that mindset infographic that I created above and answer this question,
When you look at the mindset of a man after a breakup is it generally positive or negative?
It’s negative, right?
It’s laced with negativity, anger, sadness, depression, retaliation, victimization, you get the idea.
Now, lets pretend that I have a magic wand and the second I waved this magic wand I put a spell on you that made you feel angry, sad, victimized and depressed. Lets also pretend that I am trying to communicate with you and get you to be very open and vulnerable.
Do you think you would be willing to take that risk?
Would you be willing to have open and vulnerable communication with me?
Because I am the source of all your pain. I waved that magic wand and BAM you started getting “the feels” all over and these aren’t the good type of “feels.” Nope, these are the bad ones.
This is the boat that your ex boyfriend is in.
Look, here is a fact that you are going to have to get through your head.
In the grand scheme of things your ex boyfriend is going to have to be willing to be open and vulnerable with you if he is going to consider getting back with you. However, right now he probably isn’t at a place where he is willing to do that.
So, when women ask me,
“How do I actually get my boyfriend to open up to me? How can I have open and vulnerable communication with him.”
They have to understand that the odds are actually stacked against them.
They have to find a way to overcome the overall negativity of an ex boyfriends mindset after a breakup.
How do you do that?
Well, that’s what this entire article is about.
How To Have Open And Vulnerable Communication With Your Ex Boyfriend
Here is the million dollar question.
How can we make an ex boyfriend, who doesn’t hold you in the highest regard, want to communicate with you in a vulnerable way?
Well, below I put together a little graphic describing the process of how a woman can accomplish this,
Now, I realize you probably have no idea what the heck this graphic means.
Heck, you are probably sitting there wondering,
“What are those little bubbles with words inside them?”
Well, it just so happens that those little bubbles with words inside them are your game plan for how you are going to get your ex to open up to you.
- Leading By Example
If you can do these four things then you will have a really good chance of making your ex boyfriend have the type of honest and vulnerable communication that you are seeking.
Pretty simple, right?
Finding the synergy between these four things is extremely challenging and will take some time on your part.
Luckily I am an amazing teacher and school is in session 😉 .
Lets start by talking about rejection!
STRATEGY ONE: REJECTION
Is it weird that I have rejection as a strategy for opening up an ex boyfriend?
Well, I don’t mean rejection in the sense that I want you to reject your ex boyfriend again. No, I am talking about rejection in the sense that your ex boyfriend is probably feeling rejected since the two of you broke up and this rejection (coupled with all the other mindset factors I talked about above) makes it extremely hard for your ex boyfriend to open up to you, the source of the rejection.
“But Chris, what if my boyfriend broke up with me? How can he feel rejected then?”
Remember what I said above about playing the victim?
Yup, men can TOTALLY do this even if they were the ones that broke up with you.
But I digress…
What I really want to talk about in this section is “fear of rejection.”
Fear Of Rejection
Fear is a powerful motivator.
Take me for example.
My biggest fear is that one day this site will lose it’s traction.
That everything I built…
Everything I worked so hard for…
Will one day just, POOF, vanish into thin air and I will be left with nothing.
As a result of that fear I write these super long posts and do everything in my power to make sure I am writing the most in-depth and comprehensive content out there on exes.
In fact, recently I told someone in my personal life about this website and he took the initiative to look it up.
Would you like to know what he said to me when he saw me the next day?
“You seem like you give away WAY too much for free.”
I just smiled and shook my head and what he said went in one ear and out the other. Well, maybe that’s not 100% true. It went in one ear and stuck in the middle of my head for a bit before it went out the other ear. While it was stuck in the middle of my head I began to take a step back and look at what I had built.
“Wow” I thought.
“I really do give away A LOT for free.”
And you want to know the funny part?
The only reason I give away so much for free is as a result of my greatest fear, losing the traction this site has.
Fear can make you do some pretty interesting things.
I imagine your ex boyfriend is experiencing something similar with his fear of rejection.
I am going to let you in on a little secret about men.
Most of us have no trouble communicating, we are just scared to.
Society dictates that men are supposed to be strong and hold their feelings in while women are supposed to be the ones who let all of their feelings out. I mean, if you were born and were told all of your life that the sky was green then you are going to believe that the sky is green. Same principle applies here.
Men are actually taught NOT to let their feelings out.
Who teaches them this?
Look, I don’t have research to back up what I am saying I am just drawing on my own experience.
Any time I have ever let my feelings out amongst other men I get ridiculed or called pathetic, lame, weak, etc.
This experience makes it very hard to open up.
My money is on the fact that your ex boyfriend experienced something similar to what I did growing up and now he is very careful about who he opens up to.
It all boils down to the fear of rejection.
Your ex boyfriend is afraid that if he opens up to you he could get rejected again.
He has already been rejected once by you so it’s not a stretch for him to imagine that it could happen again.
So, how do you overcome this fear of rejection?
How can you get him to feel safe opening up to you?
Well, that comes with trust!
STRATEGY TWO: TRUST
You ready to have your world rocked?
If you want an ex boyfriend to open up to you then he is going to have to trust you.
Pretty shocking, right?
(That was sarcasm by the way.)
Here’s the thing though.
Right now you are the last person that your ex boyfriend is going to trust.
You know what that means, right?
It means that you are going to have to work to regain his trust.
The biggest mistake that I see women making when trying to regain trust from their ex boyfriend is they try to regain it all at once.
Trust doesn’t work that way.
Nope, it’s impossible for someone to trust you all at once. Like all things worth having it takes time for a human being to trust someone.
So, what I am going to do now is teach you my method for regaining trust on a grand scale and then give you a few simple techniques that you can put into action today. First though, lets get the big picture of what we are trying to accomplish here.
I have this theory based on percentages and trust.
However, in order to explain fully explain this “percentage theory” I have to give you some context.
Lets pretend for a moment that I wanted to increase the conversions (the people who buy) of my system, Ex Boyfriend Recovery PRO by 10 percent. Now, in the world of online sales there are a million ways to do this but most people tend to flock to, two camps.
Camp 1– Increase the overall conversion rate of the sales page
Camp 2– Increase the traffic to the sales page
In other words, the people in camp one are saying that if your current sales page is converting at 5% then you need to increase that number to 10%.
And the people in camp two are saying that if you increase the amount of visitors to the sales page by something like 10% or 15% then together with the increase in conversions you should increase sales by 10%. Actually looking at those numbers it would probably be more.
Here’s the thing though.
Oftentimes increase a conversion rate by that much and increasing the traffic by that much are unrealistic. So, the professionals out there would take a very unique approach. Instead of doubling the conversion rate maybe they just add on another 2% to it in addition to driving more traffic to the sales page. Oh, and then maybe they implement something to turn cold leads into hot ones and increase the conversion rate that way.
By the end of the day all they have to do is find 10 ways to increase the conversion rate by just one percent and they will hit their 10% increase mark.
This is the basis of percentage theory.
So, here is my theory.
Trust works the same way.
In order to regain trust you can’t sit there and try to increase the “conversion rate” all at once. Instead, you have to do multiple things to regain the trust and it is going to take time to do that.
Do you understand now?
There isn’t any one thing that you can do to regain your exes trust. Instead, you are going to have to do A LOT of things to increase the “percentage.”
Lets take a look at what some of those things are.
Rebuilding Trust Factor #1- Re-Build Rapport
Have you ever taken the liberty to look up the definition of “rapport?”
Well, let me save you some time,
Rapport- relation marked by harmony, conformity, accord, or affinity
Now tell me… right now would you describe your relationship with your ex boyfriend as harmonious?
In fact, a big reason for why your ex boyfriend probably doesn’t trust you is the fact that he has no rapport with you.
Now, I know what you are thinking.
“Can rebuilding rapport really be that big of a deal to get him to trust me and ultimately open up to me?”
It can and I will show you why.
Speaking personally whenever I talk to someone who I get along with I tend to open up more. In other words, if a rapport is being built and I feel good about it I am more likely to share personal information about myself. Now, I am a bit of enigma to the acquaintances I have in my personal life.
What do I mean by this?
The other day someone asked what I did for a living.
Rather than saying that I am a relationship consultant who helps people repair their relationships with their exes I just told this person that I run an online business. I have learned that this is the best way to avoid further questions about me helping men and women get back with their exes.
Why wouldn’t I want to talk about helping people with their exes.
There’s a negative stigma behind it.
A look I get.
People scoff at me or roll their eyes. Heck, sometimes people look at me and then look at my wife and say to her,
“Your with this guy? How does he even provide for you?”
In other words, these experiences have caused me not to trust others when I talk about my job.
I do recall rather recently that I was talking with someone on the tennis courts near my home and I ended up building a good rapport with him. Eventually the rapport that the two of us built gave me the confidence to open up and tell him what I really did for a living.
In other words, instead of the generic,
“I run an online business” answer that I give to everyone else.
I answered with,
“I actually run two of the biggest relationships websites online. I teach men and women how to get back with their exes and I absolutely love it.”
The rapport that I built with this guy made me think,
“Hey, this guy is ok. I can open up to him.”
And for the first time in a long time I felt I wasn’t being judged when I talked about what I did for a living. I felt that he got a sense of how passionate I am about it.
So, how does any of this tie in with your ex?
Well, building rapport with your ex can be looked at as a way to loosen him up and get him to talk to you honestly. Right now he is very rigid and tentative when he talks to you. However, if you get some good rapport built with him the chances of him trusting you enough to open up to you are that much greater.
Rebuilding Trust Factor #2- Be A Constant Force
Lets get YOU involved in this for once.
Right now I want you to take out a piece of paper and write down the five people that you see the most in your life.
More specifically, who are the people that you spend the most time with?
Some of you will say your parents.
Some will say your friends.
Heck, some may even say that you spend the most time with a college professor or teacher.
Others may have the unlucky answer of saying a co-worker or boss.
But right now I just want you to write down who you end up spending most of your time with.
Do you have it?
Ok, now out of that list I want you to pick the three people you trust the most.
Maybe I should play along first though and lead by example (which is actually the next section.)
Ok, here is the list of the five people I spend the most time with right now,
- My Wife
- My Dad
- My Mom
- My Brother
- You Guys
Out of these five people here are the ones that I trust the most,
- My Wife
- My Parents
- My Brother
Well, it just so happens that these three people are the ones that I spend most of my time with.
Now, when we look at your list can we the say the same?
Are the people you trust the most the ones that you spend the most time with?
My guess is yes.
You see, over the years I have found a correlation between trust and the time you spend with a person. In other words, most of us only like to spend our time with people that we trust.
You know what this means, right?
It means that YOU are going to have to find a way to weed yourself back into your exes life.
You need to become that constant force.
The girl he talks to when he is having a bad day.
The girl he has amazing rapport with.
The girl he feels he can open up to…
Become a constant in his life and then he will trust you.
STRATEGY THREE: LEAD BY EXAMPLE
I am going to tell you a fun little story about myself.
When I was younger I was obsessed with playing baseball.
You see, I was lucky enough to be gifted with a pretty good arm and some pretty good accuracy so I ended up being a pitcher 10 years ago in high school. Now, since I was from the Houston area I ended up watching a lot of baseball from the Houston Astros.
The Astros had one pitcher in particular that I thought had the coolest pitching motion, Roy Oswalt.
I remember that any time he would play I would watch him and study everything about his motion.
Start after start I would watch him and game after game I would incorporate his motion into mine. Pretty soon I had studied him so much and incorporated so much of his motion into my own that the teammates on my high school baseball team would start calling me by his name.
Looking back 10 years later with more knowledge about the world I can finally understand why I was so driven to copy his pitching motion.
Of course, in order to understand why I did it we first need to understand the psychological principle of mirroring.
What Is Mirroring?
Mirroring is a psychological principle that I learned about in college when I was taking a class in psychology.
The premise of it is actually quite clever.
Imagine that you are sitting across from a guy that you really like.
Lets pretend this guy is Brad Pitt.
Ok, so you are sitting at a table across from Brad Pitt.
Your first reaction upon realizing you are in this situation is,
“OMG OMG OMG OMG I CANT BELIEVE I AM REALLY HERE!”
After you get over the shock of being in such a dream scenario you and Mr. Pitt start having a pretty nice conversation.
But then something happens…
Pitt leans back in his chair and you do the same.
Then Pitt leans in and you follow suit.
Heck, you even notice that you are copying his speech patterns.
As more time goes on you begin to realize that you are copying ALL of his behavior.
This is mirroring in a nutshell.
Mirroring- When a person subconsciously imitates the gestures, attitude or speech of a person
Now, that’s the official definition but the truth is that I would like to add a little something to the definition. In my opinion mirroring is more likely to happen when you like or look up to the person.
Take my example of Roy Oswalt above.
As a teenager Roy Oswalt was someone that I really looked up to. As I studied him I incorporated elements of his pitching style into my own. In other words, I mirrored him.
And this brings us full circle to having open and vulnerable communication with your ex boyfriend and the idea of leading by example.
Mirroring & Leading By Example
Everything before the section on “leading by example” has all been about rebuilding rapport with your ex and getting him to trust you.
Well, do you remember my little “add on” to the official definition of mirroring?
I mentioned that in my opinion I think mirroring is more likely to happen if you like or look up to the person.
In other words, the more your ex boyfriend likes you or looks up to you the more likely he is to mirror you.
So, everything before the section on “leading by example” has been leading you to this point. I want you to lead by example by being open and vulnerable yourself. The idea is that if he likes you enough he will follow your lead and potentially mirror your behavior.
Of course, your behavior = being open and vulnerable in your communication.
Now, I know I make it sound super easy but the truth is that it’s not. In fact, you are going to find that it is actually going to be quite challenging to get an ex boyfriend to mirror you but that’s why everything works in tandem. That’s why you have to have enough trust built before you really start trying this mirroring method out.
STRATEGY FOUR: TIME
Ah the last strategy.
What I am about to say here isn’t exactly revolutionary but it is important.
So far I have covered three big strategies for getting an ex boyfriend to be willing to have open and vulnerable communication with you.
- Understanding His Fear Of Rejection
- Rebuilding Trust With Him
Well, this last strategy is all encompassing in the fact that it deals directly with each of the three things mentioned above.
How does that work?
Ok, with the exception of “understanding his fear of rejection,” rebuilding trust and mirroring take time.
You can’t just do it right out of the gates and expect an ex to respond to it.
No, you have to do it slowly and surely.
And TIME is required for that.
So, that’s the final strategy.
Manage your expectations and understand that this process is going to take time.
One of the biggest mistakes that I see women continually make is the fact that they want everything at once. They want results super fast. Well, getting the kind of open communication you want doesn’t always work that way. In fact, in most cases it takes time.