Over the years I’ve referred to the being there method several times in my articles, YouTube videos, and podcasts, however, I’ve never really given an in-depth explanation about it.
After discussing with moderators of my private Facebook support group and getting opinions from a few members, it’s become clear that people want to hear more about the being there method.
So today is all about the being there method, including:
- What is the being there method and why does it work?
- It’s a morally gray strategy
- FAQs regarding it.
Let’s dive right in.
What Is The Being There Method And Why Does It Work?
The being there method is basically a specific strategy that can raise your chances of getting your ex back if they have moved on to someone else.
So that’s the basic definition, but let’s get into the specifics of how we came up with it and the two major parts of the being there method.
Truth be told, coming up with the being there method was a complete accident. We didn’t really have specific strategies for people whose exes had moved on to someone else and our generic strategies didn’t always work in those situations.
That’s when a success story of ours shared how she was able to get her ex back after he had already moved in with someone else. Her process and success thus became the cornerstone for the being there method with the following two essential steps:
- Extending the no contact rule
- Being there as a secure attachment that intimidates your ex’s new partner
Let’s take a look at each of these steps.
Extending The No Contact Rule
To understand the first step let’s take a crash course on our general method of getting an ex back, the bases of which are the no contact rule, the value chain, and the value ladder.
- The no contact rule is a period of time (generally 21 – 45 days) where you ignore your ex and focus on yourself instead.
- The value chain and value ladder come into play when you re-establish contact after a successful no contact rule.
These two basically involve slowly building value over conversations and different mediums of conversation from texting to calling/face timing and eventually to in-person contact.
Now, this all changes when your ex has moved on to someone else.
When your ex breaks up with you and then immediately moves on to someone else your first instinctive reaction is probably to try to fix things right away! You know, before your ex and their partner get too close.
Let me tell you why that’s a bad idea – at the beginning of a new relationship, your ex and their new partner are probably in a temporary honeymoon period.
Everything is perfect and any attempts you make to get back with your ex will just seem desperate and will probably push them closer against a common enemy.
Therefore, the best strategy is to extend your no contact period, so their relationship has had a chance to get over the initial butterflies.
But how long should you extend the no contact rule for?
Generally, we recommend longer periods of no contact in such situations – usually around 45 days, but we’ve seen success in even longer periods of no contact. For example, the client who inspired the being there method actually extended her no contact rule twice and ended up with a total of 60 days of no contact.
Her first no-contact rule was for 30 days, but when she saw her ex move in with someone else, she decided she wasn’t ready to approach him just yet. We suggested a 15-day extension but by the end of that, she decided to extend for another 15 days. So technically, 60 days went by before she actually contacted her ex.
Now we still don’t think 60 days is the ideal time frame to be contacting your ex because usually, it gives them too much time away from you. 45 days seems to be the sweet spot, but it goes to show that the first part of the being there method is extending that no contact rule so that your ex isn’t in the honeymoon period with the new girl or boy anymore.
Being There As A Secure Attachment Can Intimidate The New Person
Part two of the being there method is the actual “being there” part where you essentially insert yourself in the middle of your ex and their new partner’s relationship and compete directly for your ex’s time.
Now, inserting yourself doesn’t mean going all out trying to win your ex back or generally friend zoning yourself, it’s more about proving that you’re a better match than their new girlfriend or boyfriend because you’re more secure with yourself.
To properly understand how being there works we need to look at attachment styles.
There are four types of attachment styles:
Generally, people are combinations of different styles. For example, most of the time people can be secure but sometimes they’ll have a touch of the avoidant or anxious aspect to them.
What we’ve noticed is that when your ex moves on to someone right after your breakup, their new partner will not have much of a secure attachment style.
They clearly feel like a rebound and aren’t quite sure of their place yet.
That’s where you come in.
If you work on yourself to mimic or become a secure attachment – meaning you will have the fortitude to deal with the fear of loss –, simply inserting yourself into your ex’s relationship will raise alarms for their new partner. The presence of a secure attachment from someone that they used to date will make your ex’s new boyfriend or girlfriend feel insecure and intimidated. So much so, the relationship might even self-implode as the new person feels threatened and your ex realizes they chose wrong.
It’s almost like your ex has a direct comparison between the two options right in front of their face and all you have to do is “be there” – in other words, be your awesome self. Now it’s not as easy as that by any means but it can be extremely effective if it’s done properly.
So, the key component here is for you to obtain a secure attachment because the new person will not be able to handle someone so secure with themselves.
Usually, they’ll end up giving your ex an ultimatum to choose you or them and that doesn’t wind up well because such ultimatums are the literal opposite of secure attachment.
Here’s A Short Recap Of The Being There Method
- The being there method is simply a period of time where you extend your no contact rule if your ex has moved on to someone else.
- After that extended no contact rule is up you insert yourself in the middle of the relationship to basically compete for time with the new girl/boy and your presence of being a secure attachment style is intimidating enough for the relationship to implode.
The Being There Method Is A Moral Test
It’s a morally gray strategy.
Let’s be real – it’s always going to be a morally gray area if you insert yourself into your ex’s new relationship after they have moved on to someone new.
I feel like it’s my duty to tell you that the being there method is definitely a personal choice, especially with the cheating aspects. Our way of helping with that is by coming up with a simple rule:
Don’t try to get your ex to cheat on their new partner by sleeping with you.
Think about it, if your ex is willing to sleep with you and cheat on their new partner what does that say about the likely success of your potential relationship if you get them back?
That said, even if you’re not actively trying to get your ex to physically cheat on their new girlfriend or boyfriend, you might be tempting them with emotional cheating.
It’s totally on you to decide if you are okay with doing that.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs) About The Being There Method
I tallied up questions regarding the being there method in our private Facebook support group and basically narrowed them down to three all-encompassing questions:
Question #1: What is the relation between the being there method and the “moving on without moving on” concept?
I’ve recently been interviewing a lot of success stories from our program to see if I can find any common trends between them.
The single most common and effective technique our success stories talk about is having the mindset of moving on without moving on:
Moving on without moving on basically involves working on yourself to the point where you become the protagonist of your life again instead of your ex. That way, you reach a mindset where you don’t really care if your ex comes back anymore.
Does that sound familiar? That’s probably because moving on without moving on is heavily dependent on attaining a secure attachment style just like the being there method is.
So, if you ask me whether there is a difference in the moving on without moving on concept and the being there method here’s what I’d say:
Yes, there’s a difference but like anything in relationships, there is a bit of crossover.
Having a secure attachment which is the key to “moving on without moving on” will actually increase your chances of getting your ex back after they move on to someone new. So, both the moving on without moving on concept and the being there method work in tandem to get the best results.
Question #2: How can you actually be there for your ex if they don’t want you there?
This is probably the toughest one to answer because you really can’t force your way into your ex’s new relationship If they don’t let you.
My answer to this would be looking at WHY they don’t want you there and here are two points I want to make:
You must mimic a secure attachment style
As I already said, having or mimicking a secure attachment style is crucial to the being there method. If your ex doesn’t perceive you as being a secure attachment, they won’t want to deal with you.
It can’t seem like you’re waiting around for your ex
This goes hand in hand with having a secure attachment style because if your ex feels like you’re just waiting for them to give you attention or break up with their new partner, they will not let you into their life.
The key here is to live your life independent of your ex. When your ex sees you doing your thing, they’ll think that you genuinely just want to be friendly with them while living your own life. It’s an important distinction to make because that almost removes any of the tension or ulterior motive suspicions that your ex may have about what you’re doing.
Question #3: How do you deal with big pullbacks when you are well into the process?
Now this is when you’re doing the being there method and getting incredible results and all of a sudden your ex just pulls back and leaves you wondering “What happened!
We were doing so well”. There are two main reasons why this can happen:
Your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend caught wind of you guys chatting and gave them an ultimatum so they’re pulling back
You’re getting close to a big breakthrough
The main question is how you respond to a big pullback, regardless of why it occurred. There are two circumstances to get the best results possible:
Make sure your perceived attachment style is secure
I know, you could probably make a drinking game out of how many times I’ve mentioned a secure attachment style in this article but it’s just THAT important.
You need to embody that secure attachment style where you believe that you have the fortitude to overcome failure, no matter what happens. It’s not enough just to sit there and say you have it, which is the case with most of the people that I work with. It’s just as important that you embody it in every aspect of your life and sometimes that means confronting and accepting failure.
When you get a big pullback like this your initial reaction is probably to try to pull your ex back yourself. That’s the opposite of the secure attachment style and totally the wrong move in this situation. If you try to pull your ex back, they’ll just become defensive and think that their current partner was right about cutting you off.
Pull back for a bit and then re-engage properly
The best thing you could do is give your ex some time and pull back, just as someone with the perfect secure attachment style would do. Now there’s no magic formula for how long you should give your ex, so I recommend trying out different time frames to see what works. Sometimes it’ll take a few days and other times it could take a few weeks.
I know that pulling back for some time after seeing success in this already long process can suck but for the process to truly be successful, you need to be patient. The being there method just adds length to the ex-recovery process but if you stick with it you will see good results.
Now you’ve pulled back when they pulled back and it’s time to re-engage. How you re-engage is crucial to your ex’s response. You don’t want to just re-engage and act like everything’s okay.
Instead, you want to label and say something like “Hey I know you and I are having some friction lately, but I saw this really cool thing and thought you would like it.”
That way you camouflage it but also bring up the elephant in the room so it removes any tension and you can get right back to normal after that.
Now if you don’t know this concept, I’ve talked about this a lot in some of my latest content because it’s based on one of my favorite books – Never split the difference.
Essentially you label your partner’s emotions and it kind of acknowledges their emotion and lowers their guard, making them much more receptive to what you’re going to say.
The being there method basically works through extending the no contact rule and then inserting yourself into your ex’s new relationship.
Extending the no contact rule ensures that you don’t prematurely step in while your ex and their new boyfriend/girlfriend are in the honeymoon phase.
The second part that involves actually being there and inserting yourself is centered around having or mimicking a secure attachment style.
When you display a secure attachment style by showing the fortitude to accept whatever happens, your ex’s new partner will feel intimidated and their whole relationship may implode.