Today we’re going to talk about the phases of your ex’s rebound relationship and when you can expect a rebound relationship to fail.

What’s fascinating about this topic is that everyone seems to have a different idea of when a rebound relationship will fail.

Some say that 90% fail within the first month; others say 90% will fail within three months. Yet others say that 60% will fail in three months’ time…

I’ve found that the truth is none of those things.

But before I tell you when you can expect your ex’s rebound relationship to fail and the phases that he or she will be going through, I first want to turn your attention to a special resource that I have here on the site called the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.

One of the questions I get asked time and time again is, “Chris, do I have a chance of getting my ex back?”

I’ve put together this quiz to help you understand that. It’s really simple to take, and even takes into account the fact that your ex might be seeing someone new. So take the quiz and see what your chances are.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

When Can We Expect Your Exes Rebound Relationship To Fail?

As I said above, there are lots of resources you can find on the internet about how long rebound relationships last, and many of my peers make ridiculous claims without any proof to back them up.

I checked out their claims, looking for the research behind them.

I didn’t find it.

But that’s when I had a bright idea.

What If I simply spent a weekend compiling research of my own to come up with my own findings?

So I went through different online forums, looked at my own successes, failures and records to get an idea of when people’s rebound relationships were failing, from their own mouths.

What I found was interesting.

I want to preface this by saying that most times when scientists perform studies like this, they like to have a sample size of about 10,000 people to draw from.

The bigger the sample size, the more accurate the results will be.

I didn’t have that many people.

I found about 100 people with concrete data on how long their ex’s rebound relationship (or their own) lasted.

This is data I trust, because it comes from clients I have worked with, and members of our 3,000+ member community.

So what did they say?

Turns out the average rebound relationship will last 5.2 months.

That answer feels right to me based on my years of experience with clients who have worked on winning their exes back despite there being another woman (or man) in the picture.

Of course, this is just an average, and rebound relationships can be much shorter. But we do usually say, once it’s been eight months or more, you are looking at something more serious.

So we have our answer to the first question, but for me, the more interesting question is, what does that relationship and its eventual end look like?

I started asking more questions of people and found there are four patterns or four phases to a rebound relationship.

Phase 1:  The Honeymoon Period

Expect this phase to last about one month in a rebound relationship.

The honeymoon period is where your ex and the person he or she is with are having fun. The new person can do no wrong. They look at them as the epitome of everything they’ve ever wanted in a partner.

It’s the first flush of love, where everything is new and shiny.

There’s not much you can do during this period; trying to get your ex back right now will most likely backfire as they are enjoying this honeymoon phase.

But often, your ex has jumped into something new with someone to replace that feeling of being in a real relationship with you.

This often happens soon after the breakup. A great sign that a relationship is a rebound relationship is that it begins only days or up to a few weeks after a breakup.

Your ex can’t deal with their feelings about the breakup and their lingering feelings for you, and so try to soothe themselves by concentrating on the next best thing.

This is often the first person who comes along, and this person is rarely a great fit for them.

During this first phase, an ex will typically post ‘happy couple’ type content on social media.

This hurts. So don’t look at their social media and don’t stalk the new person. Keep yourself busy being awesome, and remember that social media does not tell the whole story.

In fact, the more they show off their new relationship, the more you can think to yourself…who are they trying to convince? Themselves? You, their ex? The new person?

This is especially true if they are not usually the type to post lots of loved-up content for all to see.

Be reassured that the faster they move and the more deliriously happy they seem, the more this relationship is a rebound.

But if you see them flaunting this new relationship on social media, of course it will make you feel bad, and you’ll be afraid that this new relationship is really serious.

But don’t worry. Trouble is on the horizon.

Phase 2: The Cracks Begin To Form

So, where phase one was all sunshine and rainbows, phase two is where you start to see the cracks beginning to form.

You can expect this phase to last about two to three months.

How do you know these cracks are beginning to form?

It’s very likely that the beginning of the end comes when they have their first fight.

This can be over something apparently trivial like one partner often being late, or a throwaway comment that isn’t appreciated by the other.

As they get to know each other better, they will inevitably find out things they don’t like about each other. The hastily-entered relationship will begin to falter.

You might not be in a position to see this first-hand, but you might notice a drop-off in the happy social media posts, or hear via mutual friends that things are not all rosy.

In my own first relationship, the honeymoon period lasted exactly one month to the day.

Things began to seem different when we had our first argument, which was about her hanging out with another guy without telling me she was doing so.

She later had a sleepover at his house with her friends.

I’m sure you can agree, that’s not exactly a thing that most guys would be okay with.

What’s interesting is that from that moment on, the whole mood changed. The cracks had begun to form in the foundations of our relationship.

We began to fight a little more frequently, which of course led to phase three…

Phase 3: Fight Or Flight

You can expect this phase to last probably around a month.

So how does this happen?

We talked in the last phase about the cracks beginning to form.

When things get difficult, what tends to happen is one of two things – a partner will either fight or flight.

I chose the fight option in that first relationship of mine. I was really upset that she’d stayed over at this guy’s house. Even though it was with friends, I still felt uncomfortable about it.

Could I have done a better job at communicating my feelings? Absolutely. But I was young and inexperienced and when emotions run high, logic runs low.

So we began to fight more.

But what’s interesting is that not everyone will fight.

Some people will ‘flight’ – they will run away and avoid the problem.

You might notice your ex is a little less responsive. Something seems to be bothering him or her, but when you ask them what’s going on, they’re not very forthcoming about their emotions.

They seem to be deep in thought, considering whether they want to be in their relationship or not. This is someone who’s taken the flight option.

If you’re not really in contact with them, you might again notice a downturn in the positive social media posts and check-ins. You might hear less than positive things on the grapevine.

They are pulling away from their current partner, wanting to avoid fights. They aren’t communicating properly with them, and resentment is building.

This is where they realize that their rebound relationship is not perfect, and begin to think about whether it’s the right option for them or not.

Of course, you know that the right option is you. At this point, you need to make sure you are creating a new narrative about yourself, and that your ex can see it.

Post fun new things on social media – there’s a 90% chance he’ll creep on it (this is scientifically proven). If you see him, show him the best positive you that you can be.

You want him to start to think about the happy memories you have together.

As I said before, you might not be in a position to observe how your ex seems to be feeling in any of these stages. You simply have to hang in there and wait for a sign, or (hopefully) the end of the relationship.

Phase 4: The Epiphany

This phase is the end. One or both of the people in the rebound relationship have that ultimate epiphany where they realize that they don’t want to be in the relationship any more.

There’s no real timeframe for this. Basically when they have this epiphany that’s it, they will end the relationship.

So what is an epiphany in this context?

Well, it’s an ‘Aha moment’, where they come to the realization that they really don’t want to be with the other person, and that changes their behavior, and how they look at this relationship.

A fight can trigger this realization. A simple irritation at something a partner does can set it off. You being the Ungettable Girl can do it.

If he’s starting to think, “You know what, this was a nice fling but it’s not what I really want”, you have a better chance of showing him you are what he really wants.

So it’s no longer sunshine and butterflies, happiness and fluffy clouds. Dark days are on the horizon.

They have realized that it takes more to stay with this person than not be with them.

Now this is true for any relationship. Relationships, especially romantic ones, take hard work. The payoff can be great, but you have to be ready to invest a lot in each other.

Rebound relationships are built on a weaker foundation. They have usually progressed too quickly, the partner has been chosen to buffer to your ex’s sore heart, and maybe your ex isn’t quite over his or her feelings for you.

Thus the rebound type of relationship is more likely to fail, because the initial solid investment isn’t there.

So take heart.

Those are the four main phases that your ex will go through in a rebound relationship. Sometimes it will be the person they’re with, sometimes it will be the ex themselves who moves through all these phases.

The phases stay relatively the same because by nature rebounds are the shortest relationships anyone can go through.

What Do You Do If Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship?

My first piece of advice is to take the quiz right here on the website, which includes questions about your ex seeing other people. Then we can get you started on exactly what you should be doing, assuming you do want your ex back.

I also have a lot of resources on how to deal with an ex who is in a rebound relationship, and the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro program goes into lots of detail on this.

You could start with this article: Signs Your Ex Is In A Rebound Relationship.

And if you leave me a comment below, my team and I will always do our best to answer you.

This is one of the toughest situations to deal with, but my clients have lots of success stories of getting back with their ex despite there being another person on the scene.

There is hope.

Hang in there.

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46 thoughts on “The Phases Of A Rebound Relationship”

  1. Avatar

    Preetika Kaur Narula

    August 7, 2020 at 9:14 am

    Hi Chris.

    I’m having trouble trying to get my ex boyfriend whom I dated for nearly 6 years back.

    He quickly moved on to another girl or is pretending to be over me, but the thing is he and this new girl arent dating per say. They’re just having a casual fling. However, the girl is acting super nice to him and hes put her on a pedestal and acting like he rather fight for this girl than fight for the relationship that me and him shared.

    Now, I know that this girl is not interested in dating him at all because she talks behind his back to her ex and is constantly messaging her ex that she wants to marry only her ex and not this guy. But, my ex doesnt know this and thinks this girl is perfect.

    How do I get him to see reason and win him back from this really terrible two faced girl?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 7, 2020 at 9:58 pm

      Hey Preetika, as far as the way the other girl is. There is nothing you can do about it. This is something he is going to have to find out for himself, coming from you it is just going to appear like you are jealous. You need to go into a 45 day no contact and work on yourself in that time, then when that is over you start the being there method

  2. Avatar

    John

    July 23, 2020 at 12:44 am

    Hi,

    My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me after we grew a little too complacent and she grew restless/wanted something more exciting and short-term. We both still said we love each other even as we broke up (but she said she’s just not attracted to me anymore, which I tried to tell her is something that often fluctuates).

    She ended up leaving me for a guy on a motorcycle who had been coming into her work. The guy seems decent enough, good family, likes the outdoors, they do fun stuff together. Possibly a little jealous though, not sure.. I took the breakup respectfully in spite of all this (I just think she has made an immature mistake) and have entered no contact for about a month, so far. I am going to continue NC for at least another month or two until their honeymoon phase (hopefully) begins to fade.

    They post a lot of pictures on social media, especially the guy. My ex had never been a big “lovey” poster, she only ever posted one pic of us together (same as I of her), but less than a month in she had already posted a pic of him. They spend a LOT of time together and with his large family. I discovered she had already had dinner with his family a few days after our breakup. Seems they are moving fast.

    I guess my question is, do you think this relationship is a rebound (even though I assume they had talked for a couple/several months and she had him lined up when she broke up with me)? Is it likely this will follow the same pattern as a rebound and is it worth holding out hope to win her back? There is likely much more that could be said, but that about sums it up. Hope to hear back. Thanks.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 11, 2020 at 8:13 pm

      Hi John, we suggest that you start reaching out after 45 days of NC you do not want to leave things too long. And you also need to read about the being there method too. IF she was talking to him before you broke up and emotionally cheating, then she would have what we call grass is greener syndrome, similar to a rebound. They believe all is great between them and their relationship is perfect. But as they get to know each other the cracks will form just as fast. I would suggest that you for now, follow the advice about being an Ungettable guy. You know what she fell for when she met you, work on those factors and show that your social media is just as happy and confident guy who is enjoying his life without his ex. It may take time, but she will get curious

  3. Avatar

    Kc

    July 8, 2020 at 5:02 am

    Hey Chris,
    My ex gf and I were together 4 years before I caught her red handed cheating on me with a much older guy (twice her age). To add insult to injury, she ditched me on NYE to hang out with him (she told me she was working an event).

    We worked things out… she confessed her undying love for me and I was beginning to forgive her. Fast forward 6 months, we break up as she says “I love you but I’m not in love with you”. I feel the same way, as I feel she lacks direction (in college 5 years no graduation date, no job, no income).
    I find out 2 weeks after we break up that she went to Florida with the guy she cheated on me with! I lost it and yelled at her called her names, I’m usually pretty chill but this put me over the edge.
    She says she didn’t leave me for him and that they aren’t official and she is “openly dating atm”. But she’s been posting all the loved up pics on IG.
    I put her on indefinite no contact which I know is driving her crazy (been 2 weeks). I know this rebound will crash and burn hard but it stings that she went back to the dude (creepy old rich dude) that she cheated on me with!
    I’m moving forward with my life, lots of great things for me coming up but am I making the right move here?
    What do you suggest?
    Thanks Chris you are the man

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 25, 2020 at 3:04 pm

      Hi KC, I may not be Chris but 100% yes you are doing the right thing to be moving on with your life! You need to work on yourself for a little while and get over the betrayal so that you do not carry this into your future relationships. Understand that it was her who did wrong, and you did nothing to deserve it. The fact that she went back to him shows that he is the backup plan so know that you are right and this will fall apart for her at some point. I hope you find the strength to come out of this happier and a INC is definitely the way forward

  4. Avatar

    Josie Smith

    June 28, 2020 at 5:58 pm

    My boyfriend ended our relationship last month and already started seeing someone on the 18th of this month. They dont have pictures together which i find wierd because we had pictures the first week we dated. She has emojis of a ring and hearts and says taken by his name on SM. But his has like nothing. Just in his bio on fb says “kept in check by her name” and thats it. Which i looked up means someone helping with your emotions. I found this out by a friend i never talk to much and she just texted me and so i looked which i know i shouldn’t have. I’m on 28/45 NC. And of yesterday he liked one of my posts on SM. I hate his mixed signals. Could this be a rebound relationship? I have a feeling they are just trying to make me jealous.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 7, 2020 at 8:52 pm

      Hey Josie, I wouldnt say he is giving you mixed signals if he only liked a photo on social media. I would also say that even though social media is a very large part of peoples lives, try to avoid using this as a way to understand what he has going on, we choose what we let people to see online. You not reacting to anything he does is best. And stick with your NC. With how he moved on quickly yes it does seem that this could be a rebound relationship, just keep to the program and focus on yourself for the time being

  5. Avatar

    M

    May 31, 2020 at 10:46 pm

    My ex gf and I dated previous for 2 years. I broke up with her because I wasn’t in the right spot in my life. I dated but stayed single she got into a relationship that lasted 8 months. I reached out at 8 months seeing hope she was and wanted to see her she agreed but would brush me off. ii finally said fuck the mixed signals went on a vaca and ignored the breadcrumbs. Finally I answered her call. (She fought her whole relationship knowing she wasn’t over me so she left her.) We agreed to hang when I was back. We were together working on our issues knowing the end goal is to be together Everything was going great for 3 months. Then she got distant and met someone and I caught her emotionally cheating. She apologized up and down I said I needed time and space. Three days later after being caught she hung out with her. After a couple fights and her not giving a fuck I ended it. She apologized after I ended it but I ignored it. Didn’t talk for 6 days. She texts me saying she needs time and she keeps running to drugs. She has bipolar so I was sending loving comforting messages thinking maybe she’s just doing through a depressed time. Find out they are still hanging out & she doesn’t answer any of my texts. Told her to never speak to me again and she’s blocked forever. This was everything she wanted which is why I came back. Why is she doing this? Is this a rebound?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 13, 2020 at 10:22 am

      Hey M, I would say that the up and down is due to the bipolar and if she is using drugs on top she is not going to be in a good place, especially on the low days. I would suggest that you allow her some time with out you. At least 45 days, during which you can only hope that she stops going to drugs and seeks some real medical help through a doctor.

  6. Avatar

    B

    May 23, 2020 at 4:12 pm

    I did 30 days NC but couple of weeks later he’s seeing someone else, removed me on all social media and doesn’t wan’t to speak to me! Do I still have a chance? We were getting on great after NC and speaking regularly (always me who initiated it though) We had a two and a half year relationship but this is the second breakup, and we’re due to swap belongings any day now.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 29, 2020 at 3:16 pm

      Hey B, yes you still have a chance, stick with the program, you are going to have to go into a second no contact for 45 days and read about the being there method

  7. Avatar

    RJ

    May 4, 2020 at 1:14 pm

    My ex broke up with me after 8 months, there were no warning signs other than he mentioned his ex a lot and how bad she was, we met each other’s family and friends and all got along swimmingly.

    Since the breakup I am now 2 weeks into no contact and have heard nothing, just before I found out he reached out to my best friend apologising for not being in contact (they met twice!) and then it turns into them both sending what I can only interpret into flirty messages

    1. Could I have been the rebound
    2. What do I make of the contact

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      May 6, 2020 at 8:27 pm

      Hi RJ how long was his relationship with his ex before you? If it was a long term relationship there is a slight chance you were a rebound but not 100%. As for him reaching out to your, friend, I would say that he is doing one of two things, checking with your friend for intel about you, or he’s looking a distraction from dealing with a break up. Which is in the wrong place. Either way don’t react to them speaking but be mindful if your friend crosses a line

  8. Avatar

    Liz

    February 10, 2020 at 5:53 pm

    My ex and I were together for 5 months. We got on really well but I could tell he was holding back. He ended things saying he didnt feel he could commit to me in the way I wanted and we were very different people. He said although we had a lot in common there just wasn’t enough there to make it work. He just wasn’t feeling it. We broke up on 1st December. I went into NC. Didnt argue beg, cry or anything. He texted me on Christmas Day to wish me a lovely Christmas but nothing since and I haven’t texted him. After reading this article though I am now worried that our relationship was the rebound Will he come back do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 11, 2020 at 11:20 pm

      Hi Liz, what makes you think it was a rebound? Was he recently out of a relationship before you? If you are working on yourself to become the Ungettable Girl and showing this on social media, then when you have not spoken for 30 days minimum, you can reach out with the type of text that Chris suggests to open the window of conversation and try to re build your connection that way. However, if he said that you want different things from the relationship assess if you do want the same things from a relationship.

  9. Avatar

    Cam

    January 14, 2020 at 6:40 pm

    My ex of 4 months broke up with me about a week in a half ago. He said that he liked me but didn’t love me. Then I found out he had got back on Tinder and started talking to someone from his past. He tends to be looking for love at 4 month mark, apparently he believes you can fall in love that fast. I know this girl is probably the rebound, but it’s hard to see if it is or not. I am focused on my trinity right now, but its even harder to make him see how I’m doing if he has no social media.

  10. Avatar

    Lara

    January 9, 2020 at 3:07 pm

    So I was with my Ex for 6 years. We wasnt perfect it was tough but we always made ti work. the last year he got in with a new crowed and started partying more, staying out all night etc. We argued more about it. one weekend away with the boys and he couldn’t look at me or anything. I ended up leaving so we could get some space and talk it out. He went radio silence until about a week later and ended it. I had a feeling he cheated on me. Anyway turns out he started seeing someone and is now with her. It was so tough. its been 6 months or so and although I still love him I started to put my life back together. I lost weight, got a promotion, new boyfriend the lot. Now we are back in contact and have been for a few weeks he says he doesn’t know what to do no one would accept him etc. he wishes he never done it he regrets it, what do we both do as we are n relationships. my response is you left me. If you wanted me back you would be moving heaven and earth to do so right!? I don’t know.

  11. Avatar

    Anja

    January 7, 2020 at 2:21 pm

    Hey,
    I have been with my Ex for 8 years. He met the new woman when we were still together and perceived her as more interesting and distanced himself from me. I decided to break up due to accusations and emotional manipulation and I broke the contact off. He did not stop seeing her even during the no contact time but kept asking about me and I know he said to his family members back then that he wants to be with me. Eventually he reached out after two months but nothing changed, she was still present in his life and he could not decide on which one of us he wants to be with. I made many mistakes during that period including expressing my emotions and confessing to him and being available whenever he wanted and I was struggling with setting boundaries. It all led to arguments and misunderstandings again. He eventually told me that he wants to give it a try with her since they have become close in the last months and he has feelings for her. I broke the contact off as soon as I heard that he is on his way to her place. On the phone, during the last conversation with me, he said he didn’t want to be alone and that he doesn’t want to lose me, had panic attacks and said he loves me and that he never let go off me. He has narcissistic traits and that’s why I couldn’t listen to him anymore because his words did not match his actions. I told him in anger to never contact me again and broke the contact off immediately as I promised (I told him that if he ever chooses her I do not want to see him nor hear from him and that was the promise I kept). I feel devastated and used by him. Each time he had panic attacks he called us both and kept us both at bay. At the moment I am the one who was abandoned. Everything lasted 10 months – our breakup, no contact, the new relationship and moving to her. I don’t know what I want to ask you, I just want your honest opinion about the whole situation. Is this a rebound or is it real? Will his decision backfire at him? I don’t mean I want to come back to him, I just can’t process the whole thing.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 11, 2020 at 6:58 pm

      Hey Anja, so when he told you he wanted to see how things go with this new girl – in his mind he knows you are sat there waiting for him so if it doesnt work out, its all going to be fine because he has a safety net (you)….

      It could be a rebound, but if they have been together 10 months then, its passed the rebound stage by now. It does not meant that it won’t end in the future, it just means that they are in more of a relationship than what a rebound would be by now. There is the being there method if you wanted to try to get him back, but personally I would start dating and making it clear through mutual friends and your social media that you have started dating. He does not want to be alone… then he is going to have to work hard to get you back

  12. Avatar

    Nicki

    January 2, 2020 at 3:42 pm

    Hi,

    My ex and I were together for 9 months. My ex cheated on me with a girl he’s been friends with for 3 years. He cheated on me about 2 or 3 weeks before we broke up. They started seeing each other about 2 weeks after we broke up / a week after we were still hanging out. The reason he gave me for the break up was that he needed to be alone to mature and grow. It later turned out that he left me for her.

    I tried no contact and 5 days into no contact he showed up at my house saying he made a huge mistake and that he loves me and that she’s toxic and we had the most amazing relationship and he can’t believe what he’s done etc. he said he’s made the decision to stay away from her and he was going to stay strong in this decision. He said he hoped we could at least be friends in the future.

    2 days later he was seen out partying with her and kissing her.

    Even though she’s been in his life he still wants to see me and speak to me and says that his feelings for me hasn’t changed. He says he thinks we’re actually meant to be together but he can’t forgive himself for what he’s done to me.

    I’ve started no contact again and I’m currently on day 3. He’s still texting me but I’m not responding. He’s also currently going through a very weird phase of partying and drinking excessively and when he feels bad about it all he’s been turning to me.

    Do you think this new relationship will last? I’m inclined to thinks so because they’ve been close friends for 3 years and I think he’s always liked the idea of her (even though according to him she hasn’t lived up to this idea and he apparently regrets it all).

    I’m not sure what to do, other than focus on myself and not have any contact with him.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 3, 2020 at 6:21 am

      Hi Nicki I doubt that it will last if their connection is based on drinking and partying and they have been friends for 3 years… yet didnt get together before. Meaning that he as created an image of what things would be like with her, shes not met that imaginary bar that he set for her. So now he regrets losing you. So, you need to focus on you and show the world how much better you are than she is. Living your life and doing great things, but also showing this on social media and letting him see that he chose the wrong girl. Stick to your no contact for the time being and do not reply to him before 30 days are over and then you reply, have very little time for him. Let him chase you and let him worry that he is going to lose you to someone better than how he has been lately

  13. Avatar

    P ellis

    November 21, 2019 at 8:43 am

    We had two years of loving relationship though it was long distance we made it a Point to travel to see each other it was a Perfect relationship last December he dropped me off at the airport I was coming back to my home country we had a fight in the car.He apologized and I left for my Journey somewhere deep down I felt I would never see him again. Beginning of January 2019 he met a Tarot reader who read his cards and told him this relationship holds no potential and it will not survive has lots of ups and downs. My Ex went missing the whole of weekend his phone was switched off I had my doubts his calls became fewer and also messages after 3 months he did a video call and told me he loves me and that he was in a casual relationship with the same tarot card reader.I forgave him gave him a second chance.In October I was suppose to travel to see him and stay with him for three months before my travel he was All Excited and Eager to see me just before my travel we had an argument over that Female he admitted he cannot choose between us and that he loves us Both I asked him to make a choice he agreed and told me he loves me not her after 5 days he went missing over the weekend and messaged me that he cannot be faithful and that I am a nice Nice woman and I need to move on.It broke my heart to make it worse 10 days later he posted it on social media that he is engaged to that woman and also the woman announce iron social media I am devastated and heartbroken dont wish them Bad but how on Earth can a person do something like that

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 24, 2019 at 6:01 pm

      Hi P Ellis, I am really sorry that you went through that. It is very hurtful. You will be fine just make sure you do the work to heal from what youve been through

  14. Avatar

    Abby Morris

    November 19, 2019 at 9:07 pm

    Hi,
    So myself and my husband split in early July this year! We were together 13 yrs! 5 yrs of them married. High school sweetheart, my first love and my only love together we had 4 children. However just before we got married he cheated on me but I forgave him and continued with the wedding stating that everyone deserves a second chance we went onto marry an 5 years down the line I think he did it again altough he denies this! So we argued a lot and mainly over petty silly little things nothing major and then one day I just turned round and said I don’t want to do this anymore and said it was over between us (I had said this many times before during an argument and he stayed so didn’t expect his reaction) he said OK fine and he left! Within a month he was with a new girlfriend someone who he works with but she is polar opposite to me and what he said was ever his type of girl! They have been officially together nearly 2 months now and I fear it’s the real deal but hope it’s a rebound as I want him back I miss him, us, everything even the arguments because that was just us!
    However I have tried the NC but failed within days and last week he came to a hospital appointment with our son and afterward he took me for coffee, then lunch and then back to his flat and we chatted and I really saw the old him come back for a short while but the next day he was splashing his new girlfriend all over social media she commenting she loves his so much (how can you love someone that quickly) and it just broke me to think he can act all nice as pie to my face but actually he is happy in this new relationship my response was to say some nasty things about his new girlfriend as I feel she is the homewreaker here as she tried to pursue him at his works Christmas party last year and knew he was married, with kids etc yet she just didn’t stay away! (again he denies this) I know he is just as much to blame for being weak but I can’t help but forgive him but I will never ever forgive her! So last week when I said some nasty things about her he became nasty towards me and we’ve not spoken since so I have re-entered NC and am currently on day 4! (it’s a killer) I guess what I am trying to ask is – have I messed everything up now or can I still make him see that we are meant to be?!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 19, 2019 at 10:07 pm

      Hey Abby, so you are able to do the process and you are able to complete a limited NC ( where you would only speak about your son and shared responsibilities )

      You need to do some work on the being there method and the Ungettable girl work. But you also need to start learning how to deal with the fact that he is with her and she is not relevant to you. The more you argue or get angry about her and what happened the more you are going to push them together as he is going to be focused on the arguments rather than how great you are and miss the family life. 30 days to change some things in your life that you want to better, and take a break from speaking with him about anything. They do say to go 45 days if the relationship is new but I am assuming they have been together for some time now based on your break up being in July

  15. Avatar

    Han

    November 18, 2019 at 7:28 am

    Good Day

    My ex boyfriend left after 3 years as he developed GIS and wanted to make sure I was the one. About 3 weeks after we broke up he started hooking up with this girl who is everything I’m not. He cannot stay away from me, he gets upset if I even talk to another boy. He tells me he still loves me but wants to see where this relationship is going with this other girl. They have moved way too quickly, he has not brought her mom as he knows his family do not like her. So they hook up at varsity and by the sounds and looks of it, it’s just lust, no true feelings. This girl is horrible and has no friends. They have been fighting nearly everyday and I still don’t understand why he keeps going back, 2 days ago he told me he made a mistake breaking up with me, invited me to his house to see his parents and then this next day, he seems fine with this other girl. He worries more about me then her. He is very easily manipulated at this stage. I really do love him so much and I’m not sure what to do ..? Please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 12:31 pm

      Hi Han, so the fact he is hooking up with this girl but is worried about you moving on with a new guy… he is keeping you available to him. It is mind games so that when the inevitable happens and they finish finally you are there waiting for him. I suggest you start dating guys and making sure it is known. Now I am not telling you to go out and sleep with guys. Just go on casual dates. But you let him work up his own mental thoughts on what you are doing. This will force him to make a decision to commit to you and leave her. Or stay with the new girl, who by the sounds of it is going to be a toxic relationship until one of them walks away for good.

  16. Avatar

    Nicole

    November 17, 2019 at 11:41 pm

    So my ex and I went to highschool together but never mingled in school but we had mutual friends that hooked us up about 5 years after graduating. were together for almost 8 years we were engaged after about 6 months, we have a child together and I also had a son before we got together who he took on as his own. Our relationship started great for the first year, but eventually it became filled with addiction, him incarcerated more than he was home, and him cheating which made it difficult to trust him creating a lot of fighting and problems and 5 years later leading me into addiction as well. I had my life together never in trouble in my life a single mom working through college, my own place, a car, good credit, associates degree in accounting, was approved for my first mortgage on my own when we got together and now I’m left with being jobless, thousands of dollars in debt, 2 felonies that make employment for a single mother of two damn near impossible to find, and a year and a half sober from opiates after going to a 3 month extensive rehab. He got out of his 5th rehab in July and after a few weeks of being home FINALLY made the decision to take sobriety serious, but also told me he was done with our relationship, things were just too messy and we’d never be able to get it right both being addicts now. I took it as him needing space to work on himself but within 2 weeks our daughter was coming home from his house mentioning a new girl and her 3 kids always being around and of course I assumed the worst and was right, he told me they were taking it slow and I’m pretty sure they met at a 12 step meeting, so she is also an addict. It has been 4 months now and a few weeks ago they decided to post on FB they’re in a relationship. I have made it clear to him that I do not want our child around who he’s dating until it is really serious. As for me though of course I’m sitting here wondering why and how I spent 8 years trying to stick by his side through court cases, jail, prison, and addiction leading to my own addiction, making sure his daughter, finances, and everything else was always taken care of for when he got home, and then he finally decided to clean his life up and give it to some other stranger leaving me, our daughter, and my son confused and devastated. I can not grasp how he can put us through so much hell and then leave me to clean the mess up alone. I’m on the fence about wanting to work things out, my irrational side wants to beg and plead because he’s all I’ve known for years, and it’s just so much history and trials we managed to work through to throw away when I always believed he was an amazing person battling serious demons, but the other side is that maybe were better off and my friends and family are right that hes a narcissist and I need to stay away. I hate playing games with all this no contact bs and dangling the sex carrot but it seems that is what humanity and society has degraded to. Screw the vows for better or worse in sickness and health… I’m obviously a little old fashioned and a hopeless romantic, or maybe just a codependant, abandonment issue filled mess. But either way no matter what I Google or who I talk to there’s no answers for my situation and it breaks me heart when my 6 year old daughter is crying to me asking why mommy and daddy aren’t together and I have no answer for her except I tried and I don’t understand either. He’s stayed clean the longest I’ve seen as far as I know, he’s kept his job and he helps me with paying our phone bill that is still in my name and giving me $50 a week to help with our daughter. I want to see what being with the sober side of him is like again because it has been so long that I feel like that person I knew has died and he’s the one who murdered him. So obviously a lot of resentment and I barely have money to pay my mortgage and such let alone pay for a relationship guide but my life has felt very incomplete and empty like a part of my soul is missing since we’ve been apart, it’s near impossible to have no contact when we have a child together. And this new girl has taken my anxiety to a new level, I keep saying it’s a rebound but I’m terrified it’s not. Idk wth to do. Please help.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 1:13 pm

      Hey Nicole, so you need to complete a full Limited no contact where you only speak of the child and shared responsibilities, and no small talk or emotional conversations. During which time you need to do some work on being the Ungettable girl. You are doing so many things to be strong and independent so well done you for handling this with two children to take care of too.

      As for when your child asks you why you and daddy are not together, remember she is only six and her mind is innocent so tell her, you and daddy are still friends but live in different houses because thats what her mind cares about. Mammy and Daddy are FRIENDS.

      The other woman, you need to train your mind to be indifferent to her being around, you know you are a good woman and have worked hard to get to where you are. But the fact your relationship and lives broke down as much as they did, sometimes you need to take a step back and ask yourself, even though you invested years into him. Are you compatible and can you be sober and happy together. Does it work? If yes then follow the program and stick with it, but sometimes we love people who are not good for us as we grow older.

  17. Avatar

    Kirby

    November 16, 2019 at 2:59 am

    I tried posting from my phone to one of the other blogs, and I didn’t see it, so I wanted to try via my computer on this one.

    I’m highly confused with my situation. I guess almost 7 weeks now, I broke up with my boyfriend. We’d been having issues, mainly me being self absorbed and demanding. I was off balance, and didn’t realize it until a few weeks ago. However, a week or two after the split I wanted to get back together. We had only talked once about our breakup, and it wasn’t really a solidified breakup discussion. We had managed some decent conversations over those weeks, but every time he was supposed to come over he couldn’t. Last Friday was the first time since we talked about the breakup that I got to hear his voice, he asked to call me from a conference he was at in Orlando. We had been making small talk about things going on in our lives, and he wanted to swap to a call. I felt confident that maybe I could get him back for sure now. That Sunday, things got bad. I had been at the gym and when I got home my Alexa was sending letting me know I had a notification. I asked for the messages, was told there were two FOR him from this girl I knew he worked with, she had been helping him on his project for several months now. The first message wasn’t the bad one, the second was “I love you so much”. Oh was I steamed, but I tried to be calm, text him his notifications and go no response. I was crushed, like most of us would get. The next day I told him via text that since he is now seeing someone else, he should likely come get his stuff from my place. No reply, I will add his job is demanding, but I was still annoyed. Later that day, he finally responds and I got him to confirm they were together and he said it was recent. I told him that hurt me since we hadn’t solidified our breakup and that I had been wanting to talk to him for weeks now about getting back together. He told me to hold on 5 mins, and then he called, said he didn’t have long but that he wanted to discuss this further and that he felt I was fully done and we couldn’t reconcile. He had to go back to work, and it took two more days before he could call me. Yes, I blew the F* up out of his phone, which I don’t ever do. I’m officially the crazy texting lady, that’s how bad this guy has me. My daughter’s dad didn’t even spark that type of behavior. During our conversation, he informed me that he loves me still, and that he spent 3 weeks straight crying and hurting over the loss of me and the breakup. He got the vibe from our ONE conversation that it was completely over and that we couldn’t reconcile. He mentioned he still thinks of me a lot, and still cries over losing me. He started seeing her sometime after that 3rd week, and that she reminds him a lot about me. He said he wished he had done things way differently, because if he had known he would have worked it out with me, but that he felt inclined to stay with her since he had pursued it to begin with. He’s always been the kind to start something and follow through to the end of it, so I understood where he was coming from. I told him that if it didn’t work out, I’d be here.. maybe, that if I was single I’d love to get together and see if we can rekindle things. He said he understood that. I told him it really hurt and annoyed me though that he could tell someone else he loved them but that he was still majorly hurting over me. He had told me he actually hadn’t responded to her statement, and didn’t know if he could even say those words yet. I did ask if he thought he was in a rebound relationship, and he said he likely could be. The man hasn’t dated much, I was his first girlfriend after his ex-wife and they were married 15 years. By the end of the conversation, he had gone from “I’m going to stay with her” too “I clearly have a lot of thinking to do over the next several days.” I have a lot of hope I can get him back, but deep down I fear he won’t come back. The two of them work together, but she no longer helps support his team. Meanwhile, when we discussed the renewal on our apartment he said he’d like to stay on the lease, which will last for another year. All this happened three days ago, I didn’t look into you all until yesterday or the night before when I had sent him an image from my team building event where we went axe throwing. It had been something we always considered doing, and I had wanted him to know he needed to put it on his list. He responded the next morning before work, and said he would then asked how I was. We made some small talk, where I suggested maybe I be the one to take him, even if I was just a friend, and he was happy about that. To a brief discussion around a career goal I’ve been needing to achieve, and how he wants me to because it will make me one of the rarest and most marketable personnel in our area – maybe more. He hadn’t been that encouraging in a while, and my heart sank. I found you all that next day, and bought the book, I’ve listened to almost all the audio and I stared my no contact, which I chose 30 days seeing as how he’s kind of in a relationship. I had bought him a gift for his birthday, which would be on day 18 and I canceled it, despite the fact I figured that would be an okay day to start contact. My concern is, should I wait a little longer due to the relationship? The respectful person in me wants to say yes, but I wouldn’t know when would be a good time. They have been officially dating now for a month, and I think the incident and our talk put a damper already in the relationship that could start causing issues, that could eventually help push this my way. Am I over analyzing, over thinking things? Over feeling things? I’ve never chased a man after a break up, I’ve always been the woman to go “Peace dude” no matter what. This is all new and I feel so lost, despite taking notes from the book, and already trying to plan out my conversations with him for our 30 day contact day. Am I doing this right? And am I the only one who thinks there really is a strong chance we will be back together hopefully soonish?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 9:17 pm

      Hey so there are a few things, dont think of this process as a race. If you rush it you will fail. You need to complete 30 days NC and work on your ways during that time. So if you were self absorbed then show how you can be selfless. Posting these things to social media. So you need to think of these stages as approx 30 days each. So you are going to have to work your way up his value chain to get him to want to be around you again

  18. Avatar

    Olivia

    November 15, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    Thank you a lot Shaunna, I’ll try my best.

  19. Avatar

    Sasha

    November 14, 2019 at 4:42 pm

    About 5 months ago We broke up mutually after 7 years of dating cos I flirted on phone with another guy  in front of him and he couldn’t take it since I had cheated on him twice. Three days later he told me he was currently going out with a lady friend  I had told him that she made me feel scared of losing him to her. This lady stays in the same community with me and I had once mentioned to him to never go out with her in case things ended between us. I did all the mistakes of crying, begging and all. However, he is still protective and possessive over me and still cares for me by providing me, my brother and 2 of my friends  with  jobs and assisting with my T&T and feeding to work to I receive my salary. He is always saying am the only one he yearns  for and love but can’t break up with the new girl because of the consequences since he asked the girl out and can’t be a bad person. He still makes me do things for him because he says am the only one he can trust. He normally blocks me when he is meeting the girl and unblock when he is back. One time my friend sent me screenshots of his status updates of him and the girl which really hurt me. There is this problem of my parents not liking him and to extent of warning him to stay away from me several times so we had to date secretly. Am working on my parents so they accept  him. I started limited contact but when he notices he says am trying to get rid of him.   What do I do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 15, 2019 at 12:12 am

      Hi Sasha, so the fact he blocks you and unblocks you when around the new girl is a sign that YOU are now the “other woman” and she sees you as a threat. But him telling you that you are trying to get rid of him. Is him manipulating you to answer him. You need to complete a full NC where you do not speak with him at all for 30 days and if you work together then you do your job, but do not do him any favours or help him out in anyway that is outside of your job description. You need to work on becoming Ungettable so that you are NOT sat around waiting for him to now be with the new girl so he can get the attention he wants from you. You may have cheated but you do not deserve to be a back up plan either. Read the program and follow it if oyu want this guy back then you also need to learn to be honest with him and not cheat or flirt with other guys when you are in a relationship with someone else

  20. Avatar

    Olivia

    November 14, 2019 at 12:14 pm

    Thank you Shaunna.
    Well, he’s s not my ex,, we were mutual crushes, friends… He trusted me a lot and we was super attracted to me. So I need to be the best UG possible to beat his obsession with the new girl but she’s in the same city, lots of things in common (me too but still)… It seems impossible. But I need to try, I love him and I’ve been builing this step by step (he is moving on a very bad broken heart, with depression) for months and months, can’t stand losing it now.
    So I’ll go with small NC (No starting until he texts first or maybe during two weeks; I have to tell something then for a circumstance, but I’ll be neutral, not a bit of my usual warm and nice way) while I try to be the best UG possible, even if it seems impossible.
    Is that a right plan?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 14, 2019 at 11:37 pm

      Yes you need to be the “perfect woman” essentially to him. To make him notice you and value you more over the other women around him who may be getting his attention in particular this one you spoke of the other day. I know he isn’t your ex, I apologise, its a force of habit in this role 😉

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