One of the most frequent reasons for women to seek out Ex-Boyfriend Recovery is the Long-Distance Relationship, sometimes called the LDR for short.
I know from experience that LDR’s are really tough, they take a lot of effort and maintenance to make them work when compared to dating someone nearby. When a long distance relationship ends, it can seem so final, just how can you win someone back when you can’t see them?
A regular concern for people in LDR breakups is their ex-boyfriend’s new rebound relationship…… also known as the other woman!
If he is in a rebound then this very common but you are probably still asking yourself the following questions: –
How can he move on so quickly?
Did I mean nothing to him?
How come she is better than me?
Do I still have a chance?
To help you get through your difficult situation, this article is going to focus on the reasons for the breakup, the challenges you are facing and how you can deal with them to ensure you get your ex-boyfriend back.
- New girlfriend
- Building rapport
- No contact
- Being there…. Almost
- Supercharged Ungettable Girl
- Sphere of influence
You have only just split up with your ex-boyfriend but he is already dating someone else, perhaps he is casually seeing other people; either way I am guessing you feel the situation seems pretty hopeless right now.
Well, that’s not always the case.
Before we start talking about the big challenges, lets talks about why you broke up first.
There are two possible reasons your ex is dating someone new already.
They were cheating on you
Instant rebound relationship
The unusual part about both cases is that they are actually caused by the same problem, which is that your boyfriend broke up with you because he had a case of what we call the Grass Is Greener Syndrome.
The Grass Is Greener Syndrome
So what exactly is the Grass Is Greener Syndrome?
This is when your ex-boyfriend looks at your relationship and starts to feel that there are potentially better options available to him if he were to break up with you. This is nearly always the cause of breakups for Long-Distance Relationships.
You’re probably thinking that I am wrong and that the reason for your breakup was the distance, but I am going to show you why things are a little different.
When you first started dating your ex-boyfriend, you both thought everything was perfect and at the time you felt the distance wasn’t so bad and the situation was manageable. Things seemed great so you carried on seeing each other and then the relationship got more serious as time went by. After a while you began to miss each other more and more and so a little jealousy crept in and maybe the odd little argument.
Soon you started noticing each other’s little flaws and annoying habits and the relationship seemed to get harder and harder. It’s at this point your ex-boyfriend stops and reflects……… In that moment he believes that the relationship is not enjoyable enough to suffer the hardship of the distance.
He then begins to look around and consider if he could meet someone as good as you but closer to where he lives.
You see LDR breakups boil down to a very simple concept…..
Enjoyment vs Hardship
When the level of enjoyment is perceived to be greater than the hardship of being apart, the relationship continues, when that is not the case….
That is when you breakup.
But we all know that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side, and when your ex figures that out he will start to miss you.
When trying to win your ex back from someone else after a long distance breakup, you are going to face a unique set of challenges which I am going to talk you through.
The New Girlfriend
As with all rebound girlfriends, her presence in your ex-boyfriend’s life serves several purposes: –
- Hides the loneliness he feels without you.
- Helps him feel desirable again
- Distracts him from the hurt and anger
When your ex has someone new on the scene, this obviously is going to make things more difficult for you in terms of winning him back but the fact that they have rushed into a rebound relationship really shows how hard they are taking the breakup.
Naturally you feel you want her out of the picture so you can get back together with your ex-boyfriend, but for now the best option is to just be patient.
Your ex’s new relationship with the rebound girl might seem to be perfect when you see pictures of them together on social media, but it is worthwhile remembering that what you are seeing is a carefully crafted highlight reel of their time together.
Rebounds, especially when they occur within weeks of a breakup, tend not to be serious relationships because people aren’t mentally ready to date that quickly. In fact, it is very likely that your ex is enjoying the relationship purely because of the level of attention he is getting after the breakup. It could even be that your ex is dating someone new to make you jealous and show you what you are missing out on, it sounds weird but it really does happen a lot.
If your ex never used to use Facebook much and is suddenly posting lots of pictures professing his love for a new girl, then it is very possible that he is doing this to make you jealous. The other thing about the being a rebound girlfriend is that you are endlessly compared with the ex and never quite find yourself matching up.
Every moment your ex-boyfriend spends with the new girl will be benchmarked against what he thinks of you and the more he tries to suppress the feelings he has for you, it actually has the opposite effect and makes him miss you more.
The key thing to remember is that their relationship isn’t perfect and doesn’t have the history that yours does. The fact that your ex-boyfriend is missing you and comparing his new girl-friend to you will cause huge instability in their new relationship which will eventually cause it to fizzle out.
As someone who has been in a long distance relationship I can say with a high level of certainty that logistics are going to be a key factor in winning your ex back.
Because without time and money to go and visit your ex, all the texting in the world will not draw you back together again.
To have a successful long distance relationship you need to be able to find ways to spend time together as often as possible because being apart means :-
- No dates
- No hugs
- No sex
- No watching tv together on the sofa
- No breakfast in bed
All these things add up to make a relationship enjoyable. An LDR can only work if you can find ways to spend time together to ensure you can inject those coupley activities into your relationship wherever possible.
LDRs fail where that hasn’t happened and people slowly drift apart and become chatting pen-pals.
This one is probably the saddest part of the three and is symptomatic of most LDRs.
So what is Emotional Distance?
This is when a couple begins drift apart because they do not have the emotional or physical connection they used to have at the beginning of a relationship.
The reason this happens so often in long distance relationships is that so much of how we build relationships, connect and communicate with each other is physical, things like body language reinforce how we are affectionate to each other and so without a physical presence couples drift apart.
The other reason LDRs suffer from emotional distance is that people often forget to make time to call or text their partners.
Other day to day activities get in the way and the relationship becomes a lower priority, you stop sharing your life as freely with your partner and telling them about your life and this causes you to drift apart.
When trying to win your ex-boyfriend back you are going to have to always find ways to connect verbally and visually wherever possible and once you get him back you are going to have keep the momentum going via texts, calls, skype etc if you are to overcome the problem of emotional distance.
Overcoming the challenges
Now you understand your three biggest challenges let’s talk about how you can get around those obstacles even if you are hundreds or thousands of miles away from your ex-boyfriend.
No contact, no contact, no contact…… Possibly the most important step in all scenarios to winning your ex back.
There are several reasons why
- Gives you time to get your head together
- Gives you time to work on yourself
- Gives him time to get over any anger he has towards you
- Gives him time to miss you
I feel that the last one is worth giving extra explanation here because I know many of you might feel you need to act immediately if your LDR ex has a new girlfriend.
If you were in a long distance relationship with your ex-boyfriend then he is going to be used to not having you around. That’s not to say he won’t miss you at all, just that it’s going to be a bit easier for him than in a normal breakup scenario.
Your ex will still miss you because you spoke every day and not hearing from you is going to break his routine but the effects will take longer to kick in.
By having a no-contact period of round a month, you will give your ex time to miss you, it’s important that you do this because he can’t miss you when you are texting him all the time! As your ex-boyfriend is used to missing you, your no contact period has to be twice as disciplined than someone in an ordinary breakup situation.
If you can religiously stick to your no-contact period and not break it first time around this is going to have the most amount of impact on your ex-boyfriend.
The Being There Method
This is something I recommend for all women trying to get their ex back when they are currently seeing someone else. All you need to do here is keep reminding your ex you still exist so they don’t get over you.
Right now you are probably thinking “How can I practice being there when I can’t actually be there?”
Actually it’s not as difficult as you may think, especially with all the amazing digital tools and technologies we have available to us.
A hundred years ago, you would have been stuck with writing letters or some kind of morse-code but now there is Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, texts, phone calls, skype, messaging apps, emails, car hire, cheap air travel, and I am still holding out hope that hover boards will soon become a real mode of transport!
Practicing the Being There Method in a long distance situation is going to involve a huge amount of social media interaction.
If you are still friends with your ex-boyfriend you can keep posting pictures of yourself having an amazing time and looking fantastic after the breakup. Remember he is going to compare his new girlfriend to you so anything you can do to look like the better option is going to work in your favour especially when he checks up on you via Facebook.
You can also use text messages and emails with your ex in the being there method to stay fresh in your ex-boyfriends mind.
The only difference is that when you are texting your ex that you will want to remain friendly rather than flirtatious.
By practicing the Being There Method, you are going to rebuild rapport and connection with your ex and this is going to help to close that Emotional Distance we talked about earlier whilst also preventing your ex from fully moving on mentally from your relationship and creating something new with his rebound girl.
The key to the Being There Method is not to actively breakup your ex and his new girlfriend but to remain relevant to his life and present in his mind for when they breakup naturally after the relationship fizzles out.
A fantastic way to “Be There” via social media is to create a new memory with your ex!….
WHAT… How is that possible?!!?!!…… ok here is how it works.
The human brain is a funny thing and the way it stores memories is very strange, it bundles all your thoughts and experiences into a giant bucket.
All thoughts, perceptions, reason, ideas and experiences are all associated with each other and link together to make memories and each one has the ability to shift how we remember something; this is called the Principle of Association.
Over time the way your brain remembers things can change, facts and details can alter but the essence of a story remains the same this is because the brain cannot separate memory from imagination.
Have you ever woke up from a dream so vivid that it seemed real?
This is a perfect example of how your brain can not separate reality from imagination.
So how can you use this to your advantage?
Easy, you can use your ex’s blurred boundaries of reality and imagination to get him inserting himself into your life.
You can do this by taking photo’s of yourself doing stuff with people that he could easily associate himself with, in doing so he will imagine himself in the picture.
He will mentally swap someone else out of the picture and put himself in there instead.
For example, if your ex is a policeman, maybe you have your picture taken on a tourist day out next to a group of friendly police officers all smiling.
When your ex sees that photo, he will subconsciously associate himself with the uniforms and then mentally insert himself into that picture and imagine being in that photograph spending the day out with you….
That’s a crazy concept right!
When you are applying this technique, you are trying to find ways to link someone in the picture to your ex’s life, maybe they have the same car, or maybe you are in his old neighbourhood when the picture is being taken. What you are not looking to do is find men who look like your ex facially; you want to find someone who maybe has the same jacket or wears the same uniform to work or something like that.
If you can find opportunities to take photographs like this, it is a fantastic tool to use to actually create new memories of time spent together from the other side of the country or the opposite side of the world even when your ex isn’t with you just by using his imagination!
This is the perfect accompaniment to the Being There Method as it is subtle and also non-invasive to his current relationship and gives you ways for him to imagine you are physically present even though you are far away.
You could use this with all kinds of ideas, maybe he plays basketball and you have a photo taken with a local team or maybe he is into his church community etc. The key thing to remember is that these are not jealousy photos so no pictures with just one guy, you are trying to create happy feeling together not make him feel sick with jealousy.
Supercharge your Ungettable Girl
Remember earlier on when I mentioned that his new rebound girl will constantly be compared to you… well this is going to work in your favour! As with all Ex-boyfriend recovery situations you are going to undertake some self-improvement to become the Ungettable Girl, but this time it is for two reasons.
- Make your ex regret breaking up with you
How is becoming a supercharged Ungettable Girl going to help you with both of those areas?
Well the Ungettable Girl is the ultimate cool girl who has all her life in order, she is attractive, successful and popular! Looking at it that way, it is easy to see why your ex-boyfriend would regret breaking up with an Ungettable Girl for a rebound!
You see the Ungettable Girl follows a Holy Trinity lifestyle…
She focuses on her health, her wealth and her relationships with all people, these are the three pillars of the Holy Trinity; in doing so she becomes more attractive, more successful and more popular.
You need to show your ex-boyfriend in everyway possible that you are handling the breakup well, that your life is moving on and getting better and better everyday without him.
You should post regular updates to Facebook and Instagram for him to see with lots of pictures showing him your new amazing and fantastic life.
In a normal breakup situation I think your ex would start to regret breaking up with you if you made a 15-20% improvement on yourself.
However if we bare in mind the added difficulty level of your relationship, plus the fact he won’t be around to see your improvements you are going to have to supercharge your efforts and try and improve 25-30% to seem like a better option than his current rebound girlfriend.
When you think of the pillars of the Holy Trinity, the one that springs forward as being super important in the LDR breakup is wealth.
One of the key challenges you need to overcome in the LDR situation is logistics and that means having enough spare time and spare cash to visit each other.
Really focus your mind on finding ways to raise extra money and free up spare time. This is going to be a challenge because working longer hours means more money but equally means less free time!
Taking on additional work that can be undertaken at any location with minimal extra time input is key. An example of how you could earn more but with minimal hours might be to start your own e-bay shop or to make money doing something you already do as a hobby like teaching yoga.
Spend time inventing ways to expand your wealth and success so you can ultimately spend more time together once the relationship with the rebound is over. The more spare time and spare cash you have the more time your can potentially spend together. It is also worthwhile considering how he could get more spare time too as that will also be a challenge you will have to overcome as a couple when you get to it.
Sphere of Influence
The last way you can remain present and relevant in your ex-boyfriend’s life from a distance is to access his Sphere of Influence to help shape his decision making when considering getting back together.
Your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence is made up of the people who he is closest to in life.
As you can see from the diagram, the closer to your ex-boyfriend someone is, the stronger the level of influence that person has over his decision making.
Using your ex-boyfriends Sphere of Influence is an extension of the Being There Method, as you are going to use your ex-boyfriends friends and family to remind him how great you are.
Just like your ex-boyfriend, his friends and family are going to constantly compare the rebound to you and remind your ex-boyfriend how great you are and what he is missing out on.
A good way to use his sphere of influence is to find reasons to visit his city whilst you are broken up. If you share mutual friends with your ex, I want you to plan to go and visit them. Take photos and check in on social media. You are going to do this for several reasons.
- To show you are happy
- To ensure his friends compare you favorably against the rebound
- To show that your relationship is feasible as you can travel to his city
Staying friends with his friends and family is a fantastic way to remain in his social sphere so he doesn’t forget you whilst in his rebound relationship. You can tag his friends in social media posts and have pictures taken with them, this will help you remain in his news feed even if you are blocked on Social Media.
Just remember when you are using the Sphere of Influence to remain positive and upbeat around them. You want to avoid seeming like you are upset or struggling with the breakup….. the less you appear to care, the more attractive you will seem to your ex!
Today’s article should have given you an overview of how you should approach winning your ex back from someone else in a Long Distance Relationship.
We have talked about the Grass is Greener Syndrome and the rebound girl and how important logistics are in your efforts to win your ex-boyfriend back.
Winning an ex-boyfriend back in your situation is possible if you practice the Being There Method to remain in your ex’s life in a non-threatening and friendly way. Work on your self-improvement during your No Contact period and really focus on enhancing your wealth so you have spare money to spend on travel.
Finally try to use the Sphere of Influence to remind your ex that you are an amazing woman, and convince him that the breakup was a bad idea.