Let me preface this entire article with my cousin’s breakup story, since it totally relates to the topic at hand.
My cousin, who I’ll refer to as Monica* because I want to protect her identity but also because I’m currently watching FRIENDS as I write this article, broke up with her boyfriend in mid-March. Actually, she and her boyfriend broke up two weeks before my boyfriend broke up with me, which is the weirdest coincidence to me. We both went through our stages of grief, but while I found Ex-Boyfriend Recovery to help me through my process, Monica had no clue about the website, the books, or the Facebook group. She basically was on her own with her breakup process.
About three months after her ex ended things with her, she found herself in a precarious situation. Her boyfriend – well, ex-boyfriend at this point – became interested in another girl. To make things a little more complicated, they all worked together in the same company – Monica, her ex, and the girl he liked. Although they were all in different departments, their paths crossed often.
Of course Monica wanted her ex back. She actually called him the next day after their breakup to beg for him back.
But of course, we all know that that doesn’t work.
So, in between the breakup and finding out the terrible news, Monica struggled with how to deal with the breakup and having to work with her ex and not being able to execute No Contact with him because he kept initiating conversations with her through text and phone calls. Then, this new girl came.
“What the hell? What do I do now?!”
That was a question that plagued Monica’s mind and she had to endure it for a whole month.
She heard rumors about her ex and a new girl. She had to see subtle hints of flirting between her ex and the new girl while she passed them at work. She dealt with her ex texting her all the time. She saw pictures of him at a dinner with her on Instagram. She had to deal with her feelings, confused over what he wanted and how she should approach.
Ultimately, Monica decided not to do anything about it. Although she initially wanted him back, she decided it was better for her not to entertain him and ask for him back.
She filled me in on what happened next.
Her ex began dating the new girl but also quit the job he was in. Monica felt a sense of relief when he did, because she wouldn’t be exposed to him and her everyday.
The texts between Monica and her ex started to decline.
While the end of Monica’s story is not the best scenario for this case, the choice was hers to make. Even though she chose not to take him back, because she was ready to move on from him, I personally think that she could’ve easily had him back if she wanted.
How is that possible?
Well, looking at how Monica handled this situation, I think Ex Recovery Pro definitely would’ve helped her out a lot.
Aside from that one time after their breakup, Monica didn’t repeatedly ask for her ex back. Even when she’d heard rumors of another girl catching his attention, she did not force an ultimatum of “her or me” down his throat. She let the situation ride its course, choosing to instead focus on herself and her self-growth. She implemented her own style of the “Being There” strategy by playing up her Instagram. Lastly, Monica did not attack the other girl. She held herself with class and dignity, which drove her ex even more insane, leaving him wondering,
“Why isn’t she reacting?”
See, I think those are the key elements in getting back what’s yours. I’ve seen way too many episodes of teen drama shows to know that scheming your way back into your ex-boyfriend’s life doesn’t make him stay for the long run – if he hadn’t already started running in the first place.
If you want to win your ex back from another girl, you’re gonna have to win him back with a class act.
He’s Not Your Boyfriend Anymore
It’s harsh and mean, but it’s the basic truth. Your ex is not your boyfriend anymore as much as you aren’t his girlfriend anymore. You both broke up with each other and there’s hardly much you can do about it. I know – rude. But the truth hurts.
Another truth? Just because he’s your not your boyfriend anymore, doesn’t mean he can’t be your boyfriend again.
Bet you like this truth better, don’t ya?
There is something that Chris mentions in the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro book that really struck a chord with me personally.
Basically, he said that even though you are no longer with your ex, you do have the upper hand when it comes to other women. Why? Because you know him better than other women. You’ve dated him long enough to know what gets him off, what gets him angry, and what gets him excited. You know the ins and outs of who he is.
Use it to your advantage.
If you know when you were dating your ex that he complained about how much his ex before you kept messaging him to get back together – then don’t do it to him.
None of us here at Ex Recover would suggest that anyways.
If you know he hates constant messages alerting him of your presence and your remaining feelings for him. Quit it.
Dial Back the “I Want You Back” Talk
Like I said, if you know this kind of behavior your ex doesn’t like, do the exact opposite. So if you know that your ex would hate it, especially if he’s already told you to stop, then you know already what to do.
Especially if there is another girl in the picture, it’s not gonna do you any good to beg for his affection. Even if there weren’t another girl in the picture, it’s not a cute look on anyone`, sweetheart. Please don’t do it.
If you beg…
“I want you back, please take me back!”
He’ll probably think you’re just saying that because there is a new girl in the picture. He might get the idea that you’re doing this is a final act of desperation, and you can’t let him think that about you. You want to be the girl that he chooses over the new one, obviously. So instead of saying something that pushes him away, say something that could draw him back in.
You Are Just Not That Into Him
Something I didn’t let you in on with Monica’s story is that about a few weeks into her ex getting to know the new girl, Monica and her ex were texting again.
It was like they were dating again. They were texting from morning to night, talking about their days. He even asked her to dinner for his birthday. It sent a confusing message to Monica, who already knew about the other girl. After a while of this, she decided to let her ex know straight up that she didn’t think it was a good idea to get back together. He had seem to keep her on the backburner while pursuing new opportunities and she wasn’t comfortable with that. So, she told him, “I think you should focus on the new girl. Stop texting me.”
Can you guess what happened next?
He didn’t stop texting. For whatever reason, Monica’s ex kept pursuing their friendship even though he was casually dating the new girl.
Monica and I concluded that he could have been affected by her strong “No” that it attracted him more.
It’s been proven that this tactic works – most of the time (I had to add that disclaimer in.) Several of the ladies I normally talk to in the EBR group have shared with me that once they hit their exes with the “Stop texting me” text, their attraction began to grow. And this type of text can be any of the following:
“I don’t like you like that anymore.”
“I don’t want you back.”
“I don’t have those kinds of feelings for you anymore.”
Or any variation of these. Now be warned that using these statements as a tactic when you don’t mean it causes a lot of pain and can be a shot in the dark because some exes can just take the hint and pursue the other girl.
But if you know there is a sliver of a chance that this will drive your exboyfriend back to you, just like it did a number on Monica’s ex. It’s as if they hear or read those words and a magical switch in their brain turns on and shifts their attention back to you.
It is a powerful tool to utilize, but you have to be confident in yourself to use it. Use it with conviction and it’ll get the gears in his mind going,
“She doesn’t want me back? Why?”
And then he’ll do everything in his power to find out why.
Don’t Start a Girl Fight
One of my favorite shows when I was younger was Gossip Girl, and my favorite character in it show is Blair Waldorf. She is poised and power-hungry, but also clever and can be classy – at times. What I love about her is that while she’s supposed to be a sophisticated socialite in the Upper East Side, she’s so flawed that she teetering the line of being “crazy.”
See, this girl fights dirty. If there is another girl vying for the affections of her boyfriend, current or not, Blair is taking that girl down. She uses her Upper East Side street smarts to manipulate, provoke, or attack her competition so she’s the only one in the running.
Don’t Be Blaire
She’s my favorite character, yes. But is she a role model? Nope.
Remember the first boldfaced header in this article: He is not your boyfriend anymore. Yes, you had the previous claim on him, but you’re not together right now. And you verbally or physically attacking the new girl isn’t going to get you back together, either. That kind of behavior should only stay in reality shows and teen dramas.
You don’t need to go pulling the other girl’s hair or calling her a “nasty skank bitch” to get your ex to revert back into a relationship with you. Keep it classy. As much as it hurts or irritates you, focus that energy on something else than calling out the new girl.
For Monica, she didn’t even want see the new girl, let alone talk bad about her. Whenever I met with Monica to vent out our breakup frustrations, all the time the new girl popped up in the conversation, she never once had a mean thing to say about her. She never called her “that slut”, or “bitch”, or “man stealer.” None of that. She just simply talked about the situation and moved on.
I would advise the same for you. The less messy the situation can be, the better the turnout can be for you. You don’t want to be the “crazy” ex-girlfriend he tells his friends about, attacking girls he’s not even dating yet.
Keep your cool, darling, and learn how to fight dirty subtly.
But not in a creepy Fatal Attraction way. More like, “make him feel your presence without being a stalker” kind of way. You can do this in so many ways without creeping on your ex and the new girl. One of your best tools is your favorite app, girl. Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter – girl, you got it down.
Let me tell you, if you strengthen your social media game, your “Being There” game will also be strengthened. It’s also a way to keep it classy and to fight without really fighting. When you’re “being there”, you’re strategically placing yourself in your ex’s line of vision.
Whenever you post a cute selfie, snap your night out, or even check in at cool new brunch place with your friends – it shows that you’re living your life without him. If you’re smiling and having fun, then it adds more to the attraction factor back to you. It works even better when you have one or two guy friends in the picture.
It worked for Monica in her situation. She and her ex had still been following each other on Instagram. Monica wasn’t so big on posting pictures and videos on her actual account, but she used her Instagram Stories to her advantage.
If you’re not familiar, Instagram Stories works like Snapchat, where you can share short videos and pics that can be viewed by your followers for twenty-four hours only before it disappears.
Monica used Instagram Stories to document her activities throughout the day – pictures of her morning coffee, a short video of a boring meeting at work, a lunch-time picture, a gym selfie, and winding down at the beach with a book to read.
All of those things were pretty mundane activities, but they were enough for her ex-boyfriend to keep an eye on her. Oh! Did I forget to mention that you can see a list of people who view your Instagram Stories? Basically, you can see who is creeping on your life.
And Monica’s ex was creeping on hers.
Social media is a strong tool to have at your disposal in this day and age because everyone has it. And everyone, even if they don’t outwardly admit it, always checks their social media. Your ex doesn’t use social media? That doesn’t mean he doesn’t know any of yours and can’t check up on you.
Here’s another twist to that story: Monica’s ex had an Instagram, but hardly used it. After Monica told him that she didn’t want to get back together with him, her ex was suddenly active on Instagram. He always liked her pictures, watched all of her daily Instagram Stories, and even posted one of his own in the hopes that she’d watch them.
Bottom line: Use any and all social media you can to command the attention of your ex. The more he sees of you, especially of you being happy, the more he sees what he’s missing.
Do You, Girl!
Just like with the “Being There” strategy, use your happiness as your strongest weapon. I know you might be suffering right now. But trust me, you’re gonna be happy again. And when your ex sees you thriving in your happiness, he might rethink his actions over again and change his mind back to you. Even if you have to fake it till you make it, seeing you be happy is something your ex might not exactly expect. Also, chances are, this new girl is a rebound anyway, so yeah, make him jealous with your happiness.
So don’t let them get to you. Just keep smiling, be happy, and do you, girl.
Just because there is a new girl in the picture, it doesn’t spell out the end for your chances with your ex. Look at Monica’s case.
Monica was able to find some inner peace with the situation, even if she didn’t choose to take her ex back. She didn’t get herself entangled in a situation of an awkward love triangle that ended in high school drama. She didn’t pin herself as the “crazy ex”, nor saw her ex’s new girl as competition. She just established herself as a strong, classy woman by taking the high road and deciding to fight dirty in other ways. Instead of throwing out insults to her ex and his new girl, she instead showed off her happiness through her social media and just worried about making herself better.
And you can do these things, too! Keep your chin up, keep your social media game strong, and always remember to keep it classy!