Navigating dating websites after a breakup can get tricky if your ex is on them too.
Today I’m going to tackle this subject in a non-traditional way… instead of breaking down step-by-step responses to your ex on a dating app, I’m going to answer the top questions real people have about this situation.
These questions were pulled from my Private Facebook Support group where I asked members for their most burning questions after finding an ex on a dating app or being found on a dating app.
Before we dive into the questions let’s quickly talk about the most popular dating websites on our Private Facebook Group:
Bumble was more expected as it’s women controlled and most of our clients are women, however, Tinder and Hinge came as a slight surprise to me.
Maybe it’s because Tinder gets a bad rap about being a “hook up” app even though that’s not necessarily true.
One in three relationships today were started as online dating.
So there’s no shame in being on a dating app and exploring your options. If anything, the whole point of a breakup is one side believing they can do better so it makes perfect sense to explore dating websites.
Now on to the most asked questions:
What does it mean when he logs off when you log in?
This one’s pretty simple – if a guy logs off the second you log on; he’s probably embarrassed and doesn’t want you to see what he’s up to.
It’s ironic because they think you won’t notice this but it’s actually a pretty obvious indicator that they’re active on the dating app and have a knee-jerk reaction when you catch them on it.
What does it mean when he’s viewing your profile daily?
I’d chalk this up to some of the habits we see from breakups regarding social media in general:
There’s a 90% chance your ex will Facebook stalk you after your breakup.
Add Instagram and dating apps to the mix and those chances can increase because keeping tabs on an ex almost becomes an addiction at that point. The intent behind signing up for a dating app kicks this up a notch because now your ex is curious to know if you’ve taken your profile down or if you’re regularly updating your profile to find their replacement.
So, it’s mostly the curiosity and a knee-jerk obsessive quality that’s making your ex view your profile daily.
How do you approach an ex if they would deny or lie about being on a dating website?
My first thought at this is to call them out, but I don’t think that will get you the desired result. If you call your ex out in a negative, aggressive, or accusatory way, he’ll just double down on lying and start distancing from you.
Ultimately, you need to find a way to play it down.
They’re lying because they feel like they’re getting caught doing something they shouldn’t do, so you can try to alleviate that stress by making it okay. After all, it’s not unexpected for them to be on a dating app.
You can even try to convey this to them as a joke so they don’t feel attacked and stop trying to hide the fact that they’re on a dating website.
What do you say if he mentions he saw you on there?
Here’s my opinion on this – so what?
What’s the big deal if your ex saw you on a dating website? Don’t try to deny it because you have no reason to feel shameful, especially if your ex broke up with you. You have every right to play the field and see what’s out there.
In fact, we actually encourage using a dating app during a no-contact rule. Here are three quick reasons why you should definitely consider using a dating app after your breakup:
- It’ll give you an ego boost.
- It’ll help you realize you’re not as hung up over your ex as you thought you were
- It might even help you find someone better than your ex
I know most people reading this probably don’t want to find someone else and that’s okay. You can just use the dating app to make yourself feel better once you see so many other men swipe right on you.
That’s one of the best ways to recognize your self-worth and see that your ex made the wrong choice by breaking up with you. Also, if your ex broke up with you, he has no moral high ground to be mad at you for being on a dating app so don’t let him get to you!
What does it mean if he’s still active on tinder but having really great positive interactions with you?
This is where things get interesting!
There could be two reasons behind this: he’s either a habitual “player” or he’s still not 100% sure you’re “the one” but he’s getting there.
Now if your ex has a history of cheating then this is totally on-brand for him.
But if that’s not the case, your ex may have realized that no one on the dating app really compares to you but he’s still slightly hesitant to fully call off his search.
With some time, he may shut down his dating profiles and realize you’re all he needs.
Why does he activate his account for a while and then deactivate it only to reactivate it?
I’m actually in the process of re-writing our most comprehensive 10,000-word free article on how to get your ex back.
It’s pretty outdated so I’m freshening it up, while still keeping true to our basics.
One of those basic phenomena I always talk about is the mental anatomy of a breakup – how your cortisol levels and the other chemicals in your brain interact and develop when you go through a breakup.
One of the most common signs of going through a breakup is mood swings. This whole activate, deactivate, then reactivate routine is a classic giveaway of the exact mood swing pendulum of emotions that almost everyone faces after a breakup.
How do you remain calm when you notice your ex on a dating website?
I’ve already said it but I’ll say it again – there is nothing wrong with you or your ex being on a dating website after your breakup.
You’re both grown adults who can explore other options. That said, I know it can still feel terrible to see them on a dating app, especially if you want them back.
Sometimes it may even feel like a betrayal of your relationship as if they’re cheating on you but that’s not what it is. As soon as you broke up you ended any claims of exclusivity so there are no rules or social customs binding you two anymore. Here are two things to consider so you can stay calm after a breakup:
- Find something you value and prioritize more than your ex
- Step away from your anxious attachment style and adopt a secure attachment style
You’re probably hurt seeing your ex on a dating website because that’s the only thing occupying your mind.
This is where the need for a bigger life goal comes in. I like to refer to this as the “magnum opus” idea which is basically asking yourself what you want to be remembered for at the end of your life and then working towards it.
Surely, your relationship with your ex isn’t the end-all-be-all of your existence. It’s time to find that goal and focus all your time and energy to achieve it.
You probably have an anxious attachment style if you get hung up over why your ex is on a dating app and whether he will find someone better than you etc.
What you need to do is move some of those anxious tendencies towards secure attachment tendencies.
Your goal should be to reach an emotional place where you are secure enough to say “if he comes back, cool. If not, I can still be happy.” A great resource about getting emotional control is a book called “calming the emotional storm” – I highly recommend you check this out!
Does having him go on a dating website mean he’s moved on?
No, that’s not what it means at all.
If he’d truly moved on, wouldn’t he deactivate his dating profile to be with his new partner?
At the moment he is just trying to fill the void you left.
He’s trying to move on, but that’s not the same as having moved on already.
So, don’t worry just yet!
Do you swipe right or left on your ex during the meetup phase?
If you’re familiar with our program we go through different phases of communication that build upon each other. These are called the value ladder and value chain and include all the methods of communication you need to have with your ex before you enter the meetup phase.
Assuming you followed all the steps correctly and are gearing up for the meetup phase, you should definitely swipe right to your ex. Think of it as a playful inside joke and even a subtle test to see just how serious they are about you.
Why is he deactivating all social media like Facebook or Instagram after the breakup but keeping dating apps active?
Let’s go with the sinister answer that first came to my mind – your ex does not want you to see what they’re up to. Your ex knows that it’s much easier for you to track them on social media apps than it is on dating apps so they try to hide from you.
Most likely they don’t even want you to discover their dating app activity because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. They probably feel you wouldn’t take it so well if you knew they were exploring other options.
Here’s what you need to remember though: It’s no surprise your ex would explore other options on a dating app, that’s the whole reason you broke up. However, this can also work in your favor.
It can help your case because you’re going to be the biggest thing on their mind after a breakup. So they’re going to be comparing everyone they meet to you. Regardless of how the relationship ended, the fact that they’re thinking of you while talking to someone else can be eye-opening for them.
What is your ex thinking if they see you on a dating app?
Honestly, they’re probably thinking the exact same thing you are, just a little bit less.
Most of the time we deal with people who were broken up with so their exes always wanted to explore other options. It was obvious that the dumper would be found on a dating app but it can come as a hurtful shock to the dumper if they see their dumpee on the app too!
So it matters a bit about who initiated the breakup but generally speaking – exes who see you on dating apps don’t like it.
The best way to know how your ex feels is to look inwards and hold up a mirror to your own feelings.
Your ex likely feels the same way.
Now, this doesn’t mean they will react the way you do. The reaction is based on their attachment style.
If you have an anxious attachment style you will probably freak out when you see your ex on a dating app. On the other hand, what do you think your ex with an avoidant attachment style would do when they saw you on a dating app?
They’d probably avoid it altogether and try to push it to the back of their mind.