I have to make a confession.
See what I did there?
I just used an EBR texting tactic on you!
Okay, so your ex went back to his ex. Why would he even do that?
Well, sometimes people want to go back to what is comfortable,especially after a breakup. They believe will make them feel better… or, i suppose, less bad.
That’s why you’re here, isn’t it?
The main thing I want to cover today is when you ended things and with him and he just went back to his ex. We will also briefly touch on the scenario of if he ended the relationship for the purpose of rekindling a relationship with his ex, which is just the worst.
Regardless of who ended things with whom, the feelings you face when you are trying to get through a breakup or get back together with an ex are the same across all situations. To demonstrate here are some anxiety-ridden questions and concerns that I frequently find in my messages from people in this situation:
- He went back to his ex; will it last?
- He went back to his ex, but he still wants to be friends. Should I do it?
- My ex has a new girlfriend, does he miss me?
- He went back to his ex but still calls me, what should I do?
- He says he loved me but he still went back to his ex!
- Why does my ex keep contacting me when he has a girlfriend?
We’re going to cover all of these things today, some in more detail than others.
Darla: Do you know what the saddest thing in the world is?
Buffy: Bad hair on top of that outfit?
Darla: To love someone who used to love you.
Buffy: You guys were involved?
Darla: For several generations.
Buffy: Well, you’ve been around since Columbus, you are bound to pile up a few exes.
— Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Angel”
Always The First Step: Reflect
Some breakups are decisions made over a lengthy period of time. Then there are those that are made impulsively. I get it. You fight. Words are said. And before you know if you don’t have a boyfriend anymore. And you immediately regret it. It happens to the best of us.
I implore you, though, before you start on the Ex Recovery journey, take the time during No Contact to reflect on your actions. Determine whether you actually want him back or not.
I have realized in my 9 months of writing for EBR that a lot of people try to get their ex’s back because of their ego or simply because of the fear of being alone.
This isn’t everyone, obviously.
I’ll admit, I myself have been guilty of holding onto a relationship for way longer than I should have. Both because I thought I wasn’t going to get anything better and because didn’t want to be alone. Being unhappy with someone else was better than being on my own.
Imagine what a cruel twist of fate it would be for your ex boyfriend to be dumped, pine after you for months, start dating his ex, and drop her for you only to be dumped again 4 months later.
I wouldn’t wish that emotional rollercoaster on anyone. Especially someone I once cared for.
You should be asking yourself the following questions when using EBR anyway, but ESPECIALLY if you were the one to end the relationship and are considering trying to get your ex back:
- Do I still love my ex?
- Was the relationship healthy and in my highest good?
- Do I want him back because I’m lonely?
- Do I want him back to know that I can have him if I want him?
- Do I want him because I don’t want anyone else to have him?
- Am I scared I won’t be able to find someone else?
- Do our opinions align regarding the important things? (religion, politics, marriage, children, dogs vs cats… the answer is obviously dogs duh)?
Ask yourself these questions.
Asnyou start to get a clear picture of the situation, you have to determine what it’s saying.
- Are you making a mistake?
- Do you see your ex and you being healthy and compatible partners?
- Does a willingness to make it work seem likely?
THEN, you can move forward with the program.
BUT if you realize that you only want to get your ex back to avoid loneliness or to feed your ego, let the poor guy move on.
And you should do the same. There is absolutely someone out there who is a perfect fit for you. Don’t waste time on anything else.
If You Broke Up With Him and He Went Back to His Ex
The good news is, since you broke up with him, you have the advantage because he didn’t want the relationship to end. The downside, he’s probably not your biggest fan right now.
However, if you’ve done your reflecting and do decide to embark on the EBR journey, then the best way to start out is always by beginning No Contact.
As you should know by now, No Contact works to give you and your ex time and space from one another to recover from the breakup. It is an opportunity to heal any leftover negativity left over from the relationship and the breakup. And it gives him time to miss you and realize how much joy you brought to his life.
After No Contact, begin developing rapport with the Being There Method.
The Being There Method is, simply put, being involved in your ex’s life in a friendly manner. The goal being to drive a wedge between him and his current girlfriend.
The key is that there is actually nothings romantic going on between you two – both you and your ex will be aware of that – so his girlfriend will seem nuts with her assumptions and insecurities. Eventually, he will get sick of it. This will leave the door open for the two of you to try to rekindle something again. So, keep the flirting to a minimum. Keep your emotional cool. eing friends with someone you still love while they are with someone else is one of the hardest things to do.
Does your ex miss you?
Of course, he does.
You broke up with him. Remember?
He probably was sad and lonely, so he returned back to someone that felt comfortable, and who he felt like he could be vulnerable with. It’s likely he asked if you could be friends, probably on the off-chance the two of you could get back together again later down the road.
Remember: You ended things with him. That gives you the edge over this other girl. He still cares, even if he tries to act otherwise.
Why Does He Keep Contacting Me When He Has a Girlfriend?
It’s hard to fully let go of someone, especially if they hurt you. Ego gets involved and you want to prove something to the person who hurt you to show them what they lost out on when they lost you.
Your ex, even though he has moved on, may be reaching out to you and trying to keep in contact because he is trying to show you what you are missing out on.
Here’s an EBR article on just that, He Went Back To His Ex, But Still Texts Me.
Breakups are brutal, man.
So his reasons for staying “friends” may have to do with his ego. It is also possible, as I mentioned before, that he may be keeping you on the back burner, on the off chance that you change your mind and want to try a relationship with him again.
It is important to recognize that he went back to his ex after you ended things with him. He is probably hurting and wanted something familiar and comforting, which led him straight into the arms of his ex. When you are developing a rapport with him, it is just as important to start re-establishing trust. You hurt him, and he needs to know that you won’t do it again. This will take time, a lot of rapport-building, and even more patience.
Despite him being back with his ex, you still have some power, because you are the cause of his unhappiness. That means you have the ability to be the solution as well. The key is nabbing him back before he settles into happiness with “the replacement girlfriend.”
Since your ex is still contacting you, it is the ultimate time to implement The Being There Method.
- Keep things friendly towards both him and her.
- Act as if everything is normal.
- Invite them to do things you know he’ll really want to do at times you know she will be unvailable.
It will make her more and more insecure the longer it goes on. And she’ll start to act a little controloling and crazy. This will make you look better and better.
By the time you’re done, he’ll wonder why he ever thought going back to her was a good idea.
When He Leaves You For His Ex
As I said, most of this article is coming from the place of someone who broke up with her boyfriend, THEN he went back to his ex. But what if your boyfriend left you for his ex?
Well there are several articles here on the site that cover this. In fact, here’s one, Has Your Ex Has Moved On And What To Do About It
One of my good friends went through this, and it was so painful because she has the sweetest heart and didn’t deserve the pain this guy dragged her through. They were together a year, and he ended it, saying there was no one else and he wanted to be friends. Two months later, he was in a rekindled relationship with his ex. He had lied to her on two counts:
- The ex was in the picture when he ended things with my friend
- And he had absolutely no intention of continuing a friendship.
Ouch. I can’t imagine the pain she was in.
My biggest advice here is not so much in the vein of how to get him back. Forget that guy!
My advice is to take care of YOU. A situation like this is a huge blow to the heart and ego, and it’s totally understandable that you’d need some time to recover. Remind yourself that you are worthy of love, that he is an awful human being and a liar, and you deserve so, so much better.
Self-care is the best medicine I can recommend in this situation.
I understand you still may want him back. If that’s the case, the steps are the same – No Contact, build rapport, the Being There Method, etc. Understand it’s a bit more of an uphill battle to climb.
We have covered a lot today, and I have hooked you up with a LOT of resources to get your ex back. It’s up to you to implement them and stick to the Program.
Whether you broke up with your ex and just realized that you made a mistake or broke up with him hoping that he would come crawling back, you have to do the following:
- Determine if you want him back for the right reasons
- Start the EBR Process with No Contact
- Work the rest of the program while using Being there Methods to make yourself look better than the girl he is seeing
It sound simple, but it takes time. So, patience is key. And everyone’s situation is different.
So, in the comments below, I want you to tell me about your breakup and what you have done since then. Our experts will help you determine which length of No Contact you should do and what your best next action should be.
Here’s a video Chris made to help you tell if No Contact is working.
We’ll have your ex begging for you back in no time!