By Rachel

I was contemplating starting this article off with “tell him to take a long walk off a short pier” and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t really be an article now, would it?

That’s basically the gist of how I feel, though. Or at least, my initial reaction to this topic.

But I hear it often enough in our Facebook Group,

“My ex is cheating on his girlfriend with me.”

“I’m still hooking up with my ex, even though he has a girlfriend.”

“Should I sleep with my ex even though he’s seeing someone else?”

I understand that you love who you love, and even if they are an awful person.  And I understand that most people who visit this site are here because they want to get their ex back. So, we’re just gonna go from there. I mean, it’s either that or get a REALLY short article that’s basically me just saying… “nope.”

So because of this, I’m going to kind of split this article into two sections: a section where I explain why maybe you should consider letting go and moving on (let’s face it, some people are just not looking out for your best interest), and then a section of what to do if you still want to get him back.

So without further ado, let’s get started.

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The Moral High Ground – The Head

Let’s face it, when you let your heart lead, you don’t always give a situation the rational thought you should. So, we are going take a little walk through the rational thought process that you most likely want so badly to skip.

Have you ever heard the phrase

“How you get them is how you lose them”?

or maybe,

“If he’ll do it FOR you, he’ll do it TO you.”

If you are in this situation, that is something I want you to think about heavily as we make our way through this section.

Let me give you an example to start us off:

When I was in my freshman year of college, I made friends with a girl – let’s call her Jenna*.

Jenna, who was also a freshman, had been dating a guy a few years older for quite some time, we’ll call him Joe*

They were seemingly very happy together. However, another first year girl – let’s call her Christina – had her eye on Joe, and the two of them began an affair before Joe ended things with Jenna without a second thought.

At first, it seemed like maybe Joe and Christina were a better match than Joe and Jenna had been – the two of them were together for years and were, again, seemingly very happy. Fast forward two years, though.

Jenna had transferred to another school and was happily in another relationship. Joe and Christina were still together. But Joe had started getting closer to another girl in his class – we’ll call her Laurie.

I’m guessing you know what happened next – Joe and Laurie began an affair, and then he unceremoniously ended things with Christina, who was completely devastated.

Though I considered Christina a friend, I couldn’t help but think,

“What did you expect? That is exactly how you got him. If he did it to someone else, he can do it to you.”

That’s the moral of this story, really. Joe was, I believe still is, a serial relationship jumper – always looking for the better opportunity, and never fully leaving a relationship until he already has one foot in his next one. I suspect that this comes from a deep place of insecurity, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.

Keep in mind, if your ex is still calling you or texting you asking for sex even though he is in a new relationship and the two of you were to get back together, it is likely that he will turn around and do the exact same thing to you. He probably won’t think twice about it because it’s become a habit. Behaving in this way really is a testament to his character, and as you can probably guess, it is not testifying to his GOOD character.

Do you really want to begin a relationship based on cheating and lies?

That does not bode well for any future relationship that might come out of it. And both you and the other woman in question deserve better than a man who isn’t secure in himself or ready for commitment.

If your ex is asking for sex while in a new relationship, I urge you to seriously think about what that means about who he is, and why you would welcome that negativity into your life.

It may also be helpful to try and get a gauge on why he is making this request.

Ask yourself:

  • Is it that he is unhappy in his current relationship?
  • If that is the case, why won’t he just end things with her?
  • Why cheat?
  • Does he get off on the power play of having two, or more, women available to him?

Furthermore, if he does maintain a relationship with both of you, what incentive does that give him to leave her? If you make sex an option, you make yourself 100% available to him. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the best of both worlds. Why on earth would he chose you when he can have both?

 

I implore you – do not sleep with your ex boyfriend….under any circumstances, especially if he is in another relationship.

Relationships are supposed to be built on friendship, trust, and respect. If you give in to having sex with your ex, you are showing him you do not respect yourself, so why in the world would he respect you? I know this advice may seem harsh, but it is so important to set healthy boundaries after a breakup. Especially if another woman is involved.

If your ex is in a new relationship and still hitting you up to hook up, I would advise that you set clear boundaries within your friendship, and do a No Contact period – either 30 or 45 days. Assuming he intends to stay with her, your best bet would be to go for an indefinite No Contact period, but I understand that making that choice is not as simple as it seems.

When your ex has a girlfriend, but still talks to you it’s tempting to keep responding when your ex does get’s a little “more than friend-like” simply because it’s exciting that he’s still talking to you. But if you actually want him back, you have to create that distance for him to miss you, which means a step back in to No Contact.

Which brings me to…

But What if I Still Want Him Back? – The Heart

I wrote the rational and logical portion first because I didn’t want readers to read the advice about how to get back an ex who is behaving in such a way, then stop reading once I got on my soapbox about respect and character, or lack of it. So I got on my soapbox first.

So, we are going to cover the steps you should take if you are attempting to get an ex boyfriend back who is in another relationship, but still wants to continue a sexual relationship with you.

There are some of you who come to this site and ask,
“Should I sleep with my ex to get him back?”

Simpy put, the answer is no.

Sleeping with an ex after a breakup, even if he isn’t in a relationship, is close to being the LEAST effective way to get a guy back.

Getting someone back takes more finesse than just giving yourself to him on a platter.

As I mentioned in the previous section, No Contact is the first thing you should do. Show him you are not messing around and will not be his mistress while he embarks on a full fledged relationship with another woman.

Setting boundaries will be very important, and you have to be strong. I know that your feelings for him are so strong that the temptation to just jump right into his arms is very real, but you are going to have to have control of your emotions. That is necessary for every situation in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program, but even more so here. As I mentioned, if you slip up, he’ll think he can have it all without the commitment to you. This is not what you want and will lead you to be absolutely miserable in the end. Keep your eye on the big picture.

One of my favorite responses to this situation was hearing a girl say,

“Um, I don’t even share food. What makes you think I’m okay with sharing you with another woman?”

So first thing is first – No Contact.

After the No Contact period is over, I would recommend reconnecting as a friend and then starting the being there method. Remain in his life in a position that makes the other woman nervous. Work on developing the emotional component of your relationship so that he feels safe being vulnerable. I’ve always said that if a man can be comfortable being vulnerable with you, you are in a good place to hold an important position in his heart.

While using the Being There method, I recommend keeping sex talk to a minimum – if he brought up wanting to have sex with you once, that desire will not go away. In fact, the desire will likely only become more intense, as humans we are basically wired to always want what we cannot have.

Try to keep the interactions light, and focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical. If he pushes, do not be afraid to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. These tactics can sometimes twist your mind, but keep your eye on the prize and do not give in.

If he tends to continue trying to bring your conversations and interactions to a sexual place, even despite your best efforts to try and get him to develop a deeper relationship with you, it may be time to re-evaluate what his motives may be (see the previous section. I know some of you skipped it because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear) and have an honest conversation with yourself about if you are ultimately getting what you want… or would it be settling for less than you deserve?

For a lot of you, considering whether or not your ex is the right person to get back together with is exactly what you need to do next. If that is the case, you know who you are and you should definitely watch this interview Chris did with Marni Battista.

Where Power Lies – The Body

If you’ve read any of my previous articles on the site, you’ll know that I’m basically obsessed with the idea of power dynamics in relationships, and in quests to get your ex back, in particular. I consider it a game, and a game I have always been good at playing.

You’ll also know that as a woman, I consider our biggest asset in this power play to be ourselves – our body.

Women are considered the gatekeepers to sex. They say if it’s happening, when it’s happening, and how it’s happening. This is sometimes an unfair assumption, but I would say that eight times out of ten, it proves true.

Your power lies in not giving up sex to your ex – especially if he is in a new relationship. Who knows what the underlying issues are in his relationship? Maybe the sex life is suffering. If that is the case, you can use this to your advantage by sneakily teasing him and showing what he’s missing. It is important that this teasing is not overt – remember, the focus should overall be on developing an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you.

So my overall advice for using your sexuality as power would be to subtly let him know what he is missing, but don’t let him just focus on the sex. Remind you have other worthy qualities to bring to the table, too, and that is why he should want to be in a relationship with you.

Deciphering Desires

If your ex boyfriend is in a new relationship but still staying in touch with you hoping you will fulfill his sexual desires, he has some things he needs to figure out. He needs to figure out what he wants, and honestly, there isn’t much you can do to speed up that process.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Willow: It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Phases”

He has to come to his decisions on his own – all you can do is show him what he is missing out on. You should set boundaries and begin a No Contact period to show him that you mean business. You should then employ the Being There method and do what you can to get him to open up to you emotionally and make the other woman feel threatened. From there, you should also subtly do what you can to hint at your sexuality, without teasing him outright, which will only frustrate and potentially anger him.

But again, I go back to how I began this article: If your ex is coming to you in this way, what is to say that he would not do the same exact thing to you if and when you begin a new relationship?

He needs to figure himself out, but by asking you to be physically intimate with him while he is tied to another person in a relationship, I’m afraid he has already shown his true colors.

I encourage you to think about why he might be making this request of you and try to decipher what his interior motives could be, but even more so, I encourage you to do some deep soul searching and indulge in some self care. If you take some time to yourself, you may see the situation in a less intense, emotional light, and may decide after some time that dealing with your ex boyfriend’s BS isn’t worth it anymore.

Regardless of what you decide, be sure to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Give yourself time to process, and always be true to yourself and make the decisions that will benefit you the most in the long run.

So, as usual let’s talk about your situation below in the comments.

  1. Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
  2. What your breakup was actually like
  3. And what you have done after your breakup and where are you in the Ex Recovery Program?

Our team will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. Together we can asses the situation and discuss what approach you should take to getting your ex back without being “the other woman” or the “sidechick.”

55 thoughts on “My Ex Has a New Girlfriend But Still Wants to Sleep With Me”

  1. Anonymous

    September 17, 2018 at 4:43 pm

    I know exactly what people are going to say when they hear this. I’m usually very strong minded with dealing with this kind of thing but this time…I’ve been knocked from behind and I feel like I have no where to go. I just feel so much pain I don’t even know how to deal with it.

    My “ex” and I have been involved with one another for over 4 years. We started out as a fling and didn’t think it would last as long as it did. We were both getting out of relationships and just somehow ended up sleeping with one another. It was out of both of our characters as we were working together. Over time we hung out more and really acted like a couple. Both decided that a relationship was not good for either one of us but we continued to have sex. If I’m being honest with myself, maybe he decided that and I went along with it. Early on, I decided to bring up the fact that we had been casually dating for awhile and asked what we were. He kept telling me that he is unable to give me a relationship but then we became exclusively. Exclusively casually dating one another. We went on trips together. We essentially were everything but the title. Of course every so often I would question where this was taking us. He was having a tough time going through life. He got hurt multiple times and I was there to support him in every way possible. I tried to be there for him every time he was down. We hardly ever argued simply because I bit my tongue every single time. He never wanted to talk about us and was content with how things were. 4 years in, we had the final conversation. This happened in late March this year. I bought up the subject again. He TOLD ME HE LOVED ME AND CALLED ME HIM GF. I was on cloud 9 the next day. Then he sends me a text the same day and says “I need some space and time” and told me he was unable to give me what I wanted. We continued to talk. A couple weeks goes by and he becomes weird. He asked to come pick up his things. Comes over just to tell me he’s been dating someone new. In the span of 3 weeks. Denies sex but I guess there is a strong sexual attraction when we are both together. He continuously sends me texts of trips that he’s been on. I know it’s with this new girl. I ball my eyes out in front of him. Then I decided to do a no contact for 30 days. We connect again end up having sex. Then he tells me he is in love with this girl and they are in a relationship. After years of being there for him and supporting him he was not able to give me that but in a span of a couple months he’s in a committed relationship? I recently hit him up again and we have sex. And now he’s telling me that he’s in a state of mind considering marriage (which he is so against) , moving in, and kids. All on the same day we had sex.

    I want to hate him so badly but I still love him so much. I’m so hurt by the fact that I don’t mean anything to him. He says he cares but words are words. Sadly, I still want him back/want to be his friend. How do I get through this? The thought of never talking to him again just makes me sick to my stomach. Where do I go from here? I want him back 🙁

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 9:14 pm

      Hi there A!

      So there is a lot going on here and is impossible for me in the time available to cover it all. He seems to be all over the map with how he is treating you and talking to you. Have you tried the No Contact Principle?

  2. Sammy R

    September 17, 2018 at 2:32 am

    So my boyfriend and I broke up after two and a half years together. We always clicked and got along well but, while I had intimacy issues on my partnhe has communication issues that didn’t mix well together. He broke up with me, but honestly we had hit what felt like a dead end for months before we broke up. So about a month goes by and I am feeling a lot better and I know he’s at least in the process of having a new girlfriend. But he contacted me and we just talked about our relationship and our past mistakes, we both realized where we went wrong and I even sought help on my end while he re-evaluated how he should handle is feelings. Cut to a few days later we end up sleeping together, but we both kinda made it obvious that we really didn’t have the intention of trying to be together again. But he wants the sex to become a regular thing. And at first I didn’t mind. But he’s always talking about this girl he knows he’s going to end up dating. But he’s always complaining and telling me how she can become crazy at the mere mention of my name and always getting frustrated with her more negative personality traits. And so seeing what a stressful situation it had become for him since he was lying to her or not being completely honest with her I suggest that I leave the situation so he can fully think about what he feels for this girl and their situation because all I want for him is to be happy because I will always care for him. But he ended up almost panicking saying he couldn’t go to zero contact with me again and that he wants me to be there if he needs me because he will always drop everything if I need him no question and just be in each other’s lives. But he refuses to tell his new future girlfriend that he wants to remain friends.. I feel like I’m in a situation that has a strong chance of blowing up in everyone’s face and I don’t know what to do.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 17, 2018 at 3:56 am

      Hi Sammy!

      I agree…these triangle type relationships can get everybody mixed up. I am afraid you will get hurt. Why not ease back a bit. Pick up my eBook “Pro” to make sure you are up to speed on my program

  3. Kelly

    September 6, 2018 at 12:11 pm

    Me and my ex were together for 20 years and we were best friends we did everything together had kids together a home everything just like a married couple. A year ago after our 20 year anniversary he broke up with me I begged him to stay to no avail. Our relationship was amazing or so I thought he always was all over me sex life was perfect so I just didn’t understand what went wrong but a month before our anniversary he started talking to a girl from work he promised that nothing ever happened and he was just being a stupid guy and how he can make things better then like I said 6 weeks later he broke up with me but didn’t move out for a few months after because of the kids and we had so much sex for me it was trying to convince him to stay and I was so hurt!! Fast forward to 8 months after he left he would obviously still come around because of the kids we started having sex and he has a girlfriend the girl he was talking to from work almost immediately after he moved out!! Now it’s been 6 months we are still having sex and we are still friends the problem is I was never mad at him I have loved him for 20 years and was completely devastated and broken because I will always love him I just don’t understand why he would even be having sex with me? He knows what it did to me!! Before people can judge I don’t know if I would be having sex with him considering he has a girlfriend but it’s her the girl he was talking to and she knew that he had a 20 year relationship with me and that somehow she thought that was okay to do that to destroy someone else!! I don’t know what to do can’t go no contact with kids together or can I?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 7, 2018 at 3:56 am

      Hi Kelly!

      You can employ a limited form of no contact! I get into that in greater detail in my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book”.

  4. Courtney

    April 5, 2018 at 11:21 am

    My ex and I have been together 7 yrs, I broke up with him numerous time because he wouldn’t fully commit. I did no contact for 30 days then I went back and found out while we working on things he was sleeping with someone, a girl who he met and slept with during the 30 days no contact. He told me the truth and I left him again and he doesn’t seem to care at all. Should I go back into no contact, I want him back but I want him to come back to me ready to commit. I can’t understand why he kept sleeping with her after we got back together?

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      April 5, 2018 at 11:59 pm

      So, I’ll explain a life changing concept to you.

      One of the biggest reasons men cheat is because they lack either stability or mystery. Generally they cheat for more excitement/mystery. My guess is that girl had that in spades and you were a bit more on the stable side.

  5. Amy Waters

    March 21, 2018 at 1:41 pm

    I broke up with my ex but regretted it instantly. However when I told how I felt he told me he was seeing someone new. Our breakup was messy and involved a lot of blocking online etc. and the only way I could keep in my life is to meet up and end everything on good terms (also because we both have the same friends). When we talked I had all intentions that he hated me because of how he was acting before hand but we ended up sleeping together and he encouraged it. He then invited me over and the same thing happened and he’s telling me that we need to stop. I’m really confused because he had a girlfriend and is avoiding my questions relating to the topic, but denies using me. It’s not all intimacy either; he talks about missing me at times, how I was in our relationship & I caught him stroking my skin whilst hugging me. Any input would be great because im beyond confused.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 27, 2018 at 12:33 pm

      Hi Amy waters,

      You’re friends with benefits.. Stop sleeping with him first and check this one:
      What To Do If You Had Sex With Your Ex?

  6. Michell smith

    March 12, 2018 at 8:45 am

    I jumped into a relationship with a younger man straight after a 5 year relationship, we were engaged. I broke off the relationship with the younger person because I wasn’t ready for another just yet. He took it hard and told people I was cheating on him ect. We decided a week later to try work it out but he started getting verbally abusive when I slept with someone else. We did no contact for about 3 months. Then he reached out to me, we started hanging out and talking more often, then I found out he was seeing someone else and called it off. That lasted about a month. After that month we have slept together every few weeks for about 4 months now. His just started sleeping with me and then blocking me on social media and so then he’ll unblock me and the cycle continuous. What should I do in this situation? I know he will unblock me in a few weeks and wondering what I should do? Whenever I question him about it he completely shuts down

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 14, 2018 at 5:16 pm

      Hi Michelle,

      He’s toxic and abusive, you should move on from him.

  7. Michell smith

    March 12, 2018 at 2:24 am

    Me and my ex started dating straight after I ended a 5 year relationship. We were great together and he was good with my child who was only 3 months old. We broke up after 6 months because he was younger then me and very clingy and I hadn’t as time to get over my previous relationship. We didn’t end well , he thought I was cheating on him, after a week he asked to come back and i said we would go slow then he caused me of sleeping around so I made the decision to cut all contact. For 3 months we didn’t speak a word. Then I finally heard from him and we started hanging out and spending time together and talking about getting back together. Until I found out he was seeing someone else and ended it. Now he constantly messages me, he will sleep with me and talk to me for a few days after then block me, this is a continuous pattern. It happens atleast once a month and whenever I confront him he shuts down and doesn’t speak to me for even longer. Thoughts please.

  8. Alexandra Allen

    March 7, 2018 at 9:27 pm

    1. Our relationship was great, so I thought we are married/legally separated now. Up until the last 2 years we were happy, had fun, laughed, were sexually active. Last 2 years he became very involved with work and I did with kids activities. I know we did not show each other the attention, appreciation and time we both needed.
    2. The break up, well he had an affair with a much younger girl, we decided to go to therapy and work on our marriage, well I did, he continued the affair behind my back, I moved him out of the house and into his mothers. That is where he decided to pursue that relationship. It was devastating to me and my kids.
    3. I have handled to break up not as well as I should, but have gone out on dates, been out with friends and spending time with the kids. He has continued with the younger girl but continues to text me daily including sexting a lot. We have seen each other once and were sexually actively for 2 days. He has set up a time for us to meet again while he is traveling for work. He states he wants me to be his mistress now and his girlfriend will be the main chick.
    So back story is he said he fell out of love with me and in love with her. She makes him happy but I make him happy and he doesn’t want to lose my relationship and also I am his best friend. She also lives in Out if the country while he lives in another state and I live in another state.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 11, 2018 at 8:56 am

      Hi Alexandra,

      You agreed to being his mistress?

  9. Richa

    February 14, 2018 at 10:10 am

    My boyfriend of 2 and half years broke up with me in November saying he wants different things like friends with benefits. Since then he only contacts me when he is drunk and tells me he misses me and that he doesn’t want to lose me but then he starts the sexual talks. I’ve told him I cannot do this stuff if we are not together. I have been denying him since November but last week i swayed in as he said he misses me and my company a lot and might want us back and we ended up having a sex video chat. He has not contacted me since then.
    What should i do in order to get him back now. I am confused as to what is going on in his head, is he with someone else too or he want me

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2018 at 2:12 pm

      Hi Richa,

      He wants to be fwb and he got it.. He’s probably going to try it again.. Check this one:
      EBR 006: How To Turn Friends With Benefits Into A Relationship

  10. Na

    January 28, 2018 at 9:03 pm

    Nada nasraldeen
    Jan 26, 5:28 AM PST

    My ex broke up with me two months back i applied no contact rule we are working together and few days back i hear from his friends that he was crying and he is missing me i sent to him text that i remember this movie that we saw together he replied that he misses me we have talked twice at work he told me that he still missing me and loves me but he can’t be in a relationship we arranged a date to talk then he canceled our date and text me that he promises he will make me happy t… unfortunately i rushed my feelings and he text me that he can’t be in a relationship i was so angry and said that i don’t want him back and to forget me .. he read my messages with no reply .. We have talked 2days back he said that he is confused sometimes he feels he is in love with me sometimes he feels that he doesn’t want me back Ana. He knows that i’m so beautiful and any man would like to be with me but he can’t be with me as he isn’t sure of his feelings and he is afraid to leave me again.. I feel that he likes a girl with us in work I feel pain in my heart that if he. Entered this relationship and be with her every day infront of me please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 29, 2018 at 11:59 am

  11. Na

    January 28, 2018 at 9:02 pm

    Nada nasraldeen
    Jan 26, 5:28 AM PST

    My ex broke up with me two months back i applied no contact rule we are working together and few days back i hear from his friends that he was crying and he is missing me i sent to him text that i remember this movie that we saw together he replied that he misses me we have talked twice at work he told me that he still missing me and loves me but he can’t be in a relationship we arranged a date to talk then he canceled our date and text me that he promises he will make me happy t… unfortunately i rushed my feelings and he text me that he can’t be in a relationship i was so angry and said that i don’t want him back and to forget me .. he read my messages with no reply .. We have talked 2days back he said that he is confused sometimes he feels he is in love with me sometimes he feels that he doesn’t want me back Ana. He knows that i’m so beautiful and any man would like to be with me but he can’t be with me as he isn’t sure of his feelings and he is afraid to leave me again.. I feel that he likes a girl with us in work I feel pain in my heart that if he. Entered this relationship and be with her every day infront of me please help. Me

  12. Na

    January 28, 2018 at 9:00 pm

    Nada nasraldeen
    Jan 26, 5:28 AM PST

    My ex broke up with me two months back i applied no contact rule we are working together and few days back i hear from his friends that he was crying and he is missing me i sent to him text that i remember this movie that we saw together he replied that he misses me we have talked twice at work he told me that he still missing me and loves me but he can’t be in a relationship we arranged a date to talk then he canceled our date and text me that he promises he will make me happy t… unfortunately i rushed my feelings and he text me that he can’t be in a relationship i was so angry and said that i don’t want him back and to forget me .. he read my messages with no reply .. We have talked 2days back he said that he is confused sometimes he feels he is in love with me sometimes he feels that he doesn’t want me back Ana. He knows that i’m so beautiful and any man would like to be with me but he can’t be with me as he isn’t sure of his feelings and he is afraid to leave me again.. I feel that he likes a girl with us in work I feel pain in my heart that if he. Entered this relationship and be with her every day infront of me please help me

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 29, 2018 at 12:00 pm

  13. Melissa

    January 26, 2018 at 6:29 pm

    I dated a guy for 4 years instant fire works hit it off with his friends and family immediately but his friends would always compare me to his ex saying I was “better” that “I was just what he needed.” So the big scary shadow of his ex girlfriend followed me around everywhere from day 1 and created tension and arguments that should not have even been there he wasn’t actively talking to her or seeing her. After the countless times of him saying he was over her I always questioned him and started hating myself always asking “why aren’t I good enough” So much happened in the 4 years but we truly loved each other. We were great communicators, a good team and had great sex. I always said our good was fantastic but our bads were really bad. It was never consistent. I ended up getting sick and it a/effected my mood, demeanor and health. I was getting crazy (mostly because of my illness) and he left right when I needed him most right before my surgery. He immediately started to see someone new immediately made her his new girlfriend. It’s been a year since our breakup and for a solid 7 months we stopped speaking all together but recently we have been chatting and had a little phone sex. He has a girlfriend but he opens up to me about his life his problems and his girlfriend asks me for advice (not about his girlfriend but life, work family). I love him still and our breakup was very tough on me. I finally got in a good routine for myself I’m healthy working out seeing my friends more. What do I do!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 30, 2018 at 11:00 pm

      Hi Melissa,

      Start with stopping the phone sex and then saying that it’s not your thing and then do nc..

  14. kristi

    January 7, 2018 at 6:18 am

    Id love perspective on my situation. I Broke up with my ex. After a month went no contact for 50 days. I did more than 30 because I was seeing a therapist to improve my life and wanted to make sure I had changed. This was part of the reason I broke up with him. We started texting again (he initiated the texting), and also kept texting me throughout my no contact obviously I never replied. I didn’t want him back originally but after 40ish days of no contact I realized I did. After we starting texting again I noticed he had a new girlfriend from social media I found out. This is about 3 months after our breakup and its a girl who he knew previously. We still text. He mostly initiates, he says he misses me quite often. Is him saying he misses me just him being friendly? I also should add he did try and sleep with me. I said no, but we did kiss and I feel badly. Should I still continue to be there for him as a friend and tell him we can not be intimate. I’m not really sure where to go from here since that happened. Thx

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 8:43 pm

      Hi Kristi,

      You need to restart nc.. if he tried to sleep with you, then he probably said he missed you just to sleep with you..

  15. eva

    January 6, 2018 at 9:19 pm

    hello,
    my ex and I started talking again but he denied having a girlfriend. Even though we did have sexual conversations, we did not have sex and we got upset and blocked me from social media and whats up. how long should the no contact period last in such a case?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 5:58 pm

      Hi Eva,

      Actually he is clear.. He said he just wanted sex.. And when you kept contacting him he might have blocked you because he thought you ditched when he thought he was going to have what he wants and he’s trying to get back at you when he can see you’re chasing.. You can still try nc if you want, but that doesn’t mean he will change his mind.. And if he says that he just wants sex again after nc when you start building rapport, you should move on

  16. eva

    January 6, 2018 at 3:57 pm

    last month i started talking again with my ex (he has been in an off & on relationship for a year now & all this time we haven’t talked). His conversations now were purely sexual & made it clear that he only wants sex (He told me that he has no girl but he doesn’t know that i know).I agreed though i wasn’t sure. We arranged to meet but i canceled him coz i was sick, but when i asked him to meet he’d not respond. Then he’d text me to meet but it’ld not be convenient for me. One day he got angry at me for saying i had already made plans but i made it clear to him that since he only wants me for sex he couldn’t be my priority. after a week, he sent me to meet and when i said no, he blocked me from Facebook. Then i made the mistake to contact him & ask him to meet. He’d not respond and after some days he asked me to meet but i couldn’t make it & so after some days i saw that he blocked me from “whats up” as well. I thought it was weird blocking me after some days had passed & not as soon as i had sent no so I sent him a text message on his phone telling him to meet. He agreed and we even arranged time. He didn’t show up. Then the next day i sent him a message apologizing if i had sth that made him behave to me like that, told him it was for the best after all not having sex coz it’d mean sth for me (i have to add that my ex & I have never had sex) & that i keep only the good memories from him and said goodbye. I just don’t understand why can someone can behave like this. I don’t know if I want to be with him again even though i do miss him and have feelings with home but i would want to meet him and talk with him and make things clear.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      January 9, 2018 at 5:57 pm

      Hi Eva,

      Actually he is clear.. He said he just wanted sex.. And when you kept contacting him he might have blocked you because he thought you ditched when he thought he was going to have what he wants and he’s trying to get back at you when he can see you’re chasing.. You can still try nc if you want, but that doesn’t mean he will change his mind.. And if he says that he just wants sex again after nc when you start building rapport, you should move on

  17. AnnaCatherine

    December 16, 2017 at 8:06 pm

    My ex broke up with me to go back to his ex. It was a shock to me and he’s the only person I’ve ever loved. We had an amazing connection and we were best friends as well. We still had contact for 7 months after the break up. The contact was daily, about three times a day. I noticed it was mostly on my part so I initiated NC. After that I started talking to him again – using the guidebook of this site. I noticed he warmed up to me. I’m very happy with this result! After about tho weeks the flirting intensified. He told me he regretted the way things ended and that he still thinks about me a lot. I didn’t give in to emotions and kept things casual. He then told me a few days after he had problems with his girlfriend. I wished him goodluck. Now we’re at a point that we flirt and talk about sex, but I keep it veeeery subtle. I never straightforward tell him I want to sleep with him, I never talk about body parts in an explicit way and I always leave the convo soon. I make sure I send a meme or a joke the day after to lighten the mood again. I think the next step is building emotional bonds – like asking about work or family. He does do this from time to time. But I think it needs to be more frequent because I’m afraid otherwise I’m seen as a sidechick, or the FWB. Should I keep building rapport or should I first start backing off a little again – say a week or two distance?

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 20, 2017 at 5:37 pm

      Hi AnnaCatherine,

      how long have you been building rapport?

  18. Anna

    December 5, 2017 at 8:01 am

    My ex boyfriend and I have been separated for almost 2yrs. We were together for 3yrs and we have a 3yr old son. Lots of things have happened. When we barely separated he got with someone almost a month after we broke up. I did all of the breakup sins, I begged, and went crazy jealous on his new gf. Then I just stopped and moved on. When he found out I was dating he started looking for me again and we had an affair. I ended it by telling his gf everything and well that just backfired. He chose her and my new relationship ended. This was in the 1st year of our breakup. Then I started to better myself, I started guarding myself and being unemotional with him. We would only speak to each other when it was about our son. Then he started little by little looking for me again. Asking me very bluntly for sex. Amazingly I’ve said no! I have not slept with him since I ended it last year and he’s been insisting for 7 months. I tease him (I know I shouldn’t), but I get a little kick out of it. Then I go and tell him no it’s not worth it. Btw he’s still with the same girl. I tell him to thank her for me for being good to my son. He tries to deny he still with her but our son tells me that she goes out with them. We do get along better now, we don’t argue, we praise and help each other on our parenting and we laugh or make fun each other like friends. Lately, I don’t give him the time of day because he’s been more pushy on the sex subject. I know better now not to sleep with him, but he does look for me on other matters other than sex. Says he cares for me because I’m the mother of his son, but still see him with his gf like if they’re in a good standing relationship. I know I’m doing the right thing and do distance myself when I start getting emotional. Is after all this a chance that my ex and I could even get back together? I have a small hope deep down but I’m a big girl. Gone through so much, I can take the answer as brutal as it may be. 😉

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 5, 2017 at 8:28 pm

      Hi Anna,

      that’s good that you didn’t sleep with him.. If he’s really serious, he wouldn’t see the girl anymore..

  19. Ana Pimenta

    November 22, 2017 at 7:20 pm

    What do you think I should tell him I’m completely lost and afraid to make things worst. It’s been 2 weeks of no contact and of course after what I told him he didn’t tried to reach either. Please help

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 24, 2017 at 11:30 am

      Just apologize sincerely..he doesn’t have to reply to it.. You’re doing it for you, so you can have a clean slate before nc

  20. Ana Pimenta

    November 14, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    Thank you Amor for your reply do you think I should wait for the time to heal all this anger and regret or should I unblock him and apologise

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 18, 2017 at 1:36 am

      yup, you should unblock and him, explain and then give a sincere apology.. if he accepts it but that doesn’t mention he wants to get back together, start the nc rule.. if he doesn’t accept it, start the nc rule..

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