By Rachel

I was contemplating starting this article off with “tell him to take a long walk off a short pier” and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t really be an article now, would it?

That’s basically the gist of how I feel, though. Or at least, my initial reaction to this topic.

But I hear it often enough in our Facebook Group,

“My ex is cheating on his girlfriend with me.”

“I’m still hooking up with my ex, even though he has a girlfriend.”

“Should I sleep with my ex even though he’s seeing someone else?”

I understand that you love who you love, and even if they are an awful person.  And I understand that most people who visit this site are here because they want to get their ex back. So, we’re just gonna go from there. I mean, it’s either that or get a REALLY short article that’s basically me just saying… “nope.”

So because of this, I’m going to kind of split this article into two sections: a section where I explain why maybe you should consider letting go and moving on (let’s face it, some people are just not looking out for your best interest), and then a section of what to do if you still want to get him back.

So without further ado, let’s get started.

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The Moral High Ground – The Head

Let’s face it, when you let your heart lead, you don’t always give a situation the rational thought you should. So, we are going take a little walk through the rational thought process that you most likely want so badly to skip.

Have you ever heard the phrase

“How you get them is how you lose them”?

or maybe,

“If he’ll do it FOR you, he’ll do it TO you.”

If you are in this situation, that is something I want you to think about heavily as we make our way through this section.

Let me give you an example to start us off:

When I was in my freshman year of college, I made friends with a girl – let’s call her Jenna*.

Jenna, who was also a freshman, had been dating a guy a few years older for quite some time, we’ll call him Joe*

They were seemingly very happy together. However, another first year girl – let’s call her Christina – had her eye on Joe, and the two of them began an affair before Joe ended things with Jenna without a second thought.

At first, it seemed like maybe Joe and Christina were a better match than Joe and Jenna had been – the two of them were together for years and were, again, seemingly very happy. Fast forward two years, though.

Jenna had transferred to another school and was happily in another relationship. Joe and Christina were still together. But Joe had started getting closer to another girl in his class – we’ll call her Laurie.

I’m guessing you know what happened next – Joe and Laurie began an affair, and then he unceremoniously ended things with Christina, who was completely devastated.

Though I considered Christina a friend, I couldn’t help but think,

“What did you expect? That is exactly how you got him. If he did it to someone else, he can do it to you.”

That’s the moral of this story, really. Joe was, I believe still is, a serial relationship jumper – always looking for the better opportunity, and never fully leaving a relationship until he already has one foot in his next one. I suspect that this comes from a deep place of insecurity, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.

Keep in mind, if your ex is still calling you or texting you asking for sex even though he is in a new relationship and the two of you were to get back together, it is likely that he will turn around and do the exact same thing to you. He probably won’t think twice about it because it’s become a habit. Behaving in this way really is a testament to his character, and as you can probably guess, it is not testifying to his GOOD character.

Do you really want to begin a relationship based on cheating and lies?

That does not bode well for any future relationship that might come out of it. And both you and the other woman in question deserve better than a man who isn’t secure in himself or ready for commitment.

If your ex is asking for sex while in a new relationship, I urge you to seriously think about what that means about who he is, and why you would welcome that negativity into your life.

It may also be helpful to try and get a gauge on why he is making this request.

Ask yourself:

  • Is it that he is unhappy in his current relationship?
  • If that is the case, why won’t he just end things with her?
  • Why cheat?
  • Does he get off on the power play of having two, or more, women available to him?

Furthermore, if he does maintain a relationship with both of you, what incentive does that give him to leave her? If you make sex an option, you make yourself 100% available to him. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the best of both worlds. Why on earth would he chose you when he can have both?


I implore you – do not sleep with your ex boyfriend….under any circumstances, especially if he is in another relationship.

Relationships are supposed to be built on friendship, trust, and respect. If you give in to having sex with your ex, you are showing him you do not respect yourself, so why in the world would he respect you? I know this advice may seem harsh, but it is so important to set healthy boundaries after a breakup. Especially if another woman is involved.

If your ex is in a new relationship and still hitting you up to hook up, I would advise that you set clear boundaries within your friendship, and do a No Contact period – either 30 or 45 days. Assuming he intends to stay with her, your best bet would be to go for an indefinite No Contact period, but I understand that making that choice is not as simple as it seems.

When your ex has a girlfriend, but still talks to you it’s tempting to keep responding when your ex does get’s a little “more than friend-like” simply because it’s exciting that he’s still talking to you. But if you actually want him back, you have to create that distance for him to miss you, which means a step back in to No Contact.

Which brings me to…

But What if I Still Want Him Back? – The Heart

I wrote the rational and logical portion first because I didn’t want readers to read the advice about how to get back an ex who is behaving in such a way, then stop reading once I got on my soapbox about respect and character, or lack of it. So I got on my soapbox first.

So, we are going to cover the steps you should take if you are attempting to get an ex boyfriend back who is in another relationship, but still wants to continue a sexual relationship with you.

There are some of you who come to this site and ask,
“Should I sleep with my ex to get him back?”

Simpy put, the answer is no.

Sleeping with an ex after a breakup, even if he isn’t in a relationship, is close to being the LEAST effective way to get a guy back.

Getting someone back takes more finesse than just giving yourself to him on a platter.

As I mentioned in the previous section, No Contact is the first thing you should do. Show him you are not messing around and will not be his mistress while he embarks on a full fledged relationship with another woman.

Setting boundaries will be very important, and you have to be strong. I know that your feelings for him are so strong that the temptation to just jump right into his arms is very real, but you are going to have to have control of your emotions. That is necessary for every situation in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program, but even more so here. As I mentioned, if you slip up, he’ll think he can have it all without the commitment to you. This is not what you want and will lead you to be absolutely miserable in the end. Keep your eye on the big picture.

One of my favorite responses to this situation was hearing a girl say,

“Um, I don’t even share food. What makes you think I’m okay with sharing you with another woman?”

So first thing is first – No Contact.

After the No Contact period is over, I would recommend reconnecting as a friend and then starting the being there method. Remain in his life in a position that makes the other woman nervous. Work on developing the emotional component of your relationship so that he feels safe being vulnerable. I’ve always said that if a man can be comfortable being vulnerable with you, you are in a good place to hold an important position in his heart.

While using the Being There method, I recommend keeping sex talk to a minimum – if he brought up wanting to have sex with you once, that desire will not go away. In fact, the desire will likely only become more intense, as humans we are basically wired to always want what we cannot have.

Try to keep the interactions light, and focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical. If he pushes, do not be afraid to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. These tactics can sometimes twist your mind, but keep your eye on the prize and do not give in.

If he tends to continue trying to bring your conversations and interactions to a sexual place, even despite your best efforts to try and get him to develop a deeper relationship with you, it may be time to re-evaluate what his motives may be (see the previous section. I know some of you skipped it because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear) and have an honest conversation with yourself about if you are ultimately getting what you want… or would it be settling for less than you deserve?

For a lot of you, considering whether or not your ex is the right person to get back together with is exactly what you need to do next. If that is the case, you know who you are and you should definitely watch this interview Chris did with Marni Battista.

Where Power Lies – The Body

If you’ve read any of my previous articles on the site, you’ll know that I’m basically obsessed with the idea of power dynamics in relationships, and in quests to get your ex back, in particular. I consider it a game, and a game I have always been good at playing.

You’ll also know that as a woman, I consider our biggest asset in this power play to be ourselves – our body.

Women are considered the gatekeepers to sex. They say if it’s happening, when it’s happening, and how it’s happening. This is sometimes an unfair assumption, but I would say that eight times out of ten, it proves true.

Your power lies in not giving up sex to your ex – especially if he is in a new relationship. Who knows what the underlying issues are in his relationship? Maybe the sex life is suffering. If that is the case, you can use this to your advantage by sneakily teasing him and showing what he’s missing. It is important that this teasing is not overt – remember, the focus should overall be on developing an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you.

So my overall advice for using your sexuality as power would be to subtly let him know what he is missing, but don’t let him just focus on the sex. Remind you have other worthy qualities to bring to the table, too, and that is why he should want to be in a relationship with you.

Deciphering Desires

If your ex boyfriend is in a new relationship but still staying in touch with you hoping you will fulfill his sexual desires, he has some things he needs to figure out. He needs to figure out what he wants, and honestly, there isn’t much you can do to speed up that process.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Willow: It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Phases”

He has to come to his decisions on his own – all you can do is show him what he is missing out on. You should set boundaries and begin a No Contact period to show him that you mean business. You should then employ the Being There method and do what you can to get him to open up to you emotionally and make the other woman feel threatened. From there, you should also subtly do what you can to hint at your sexuality, without teasing him outright, which will only frustrate and potentially anger him.

But again, I go back to how I began this article: If your ex is coming to you in this way, what is to say that he would not do the same exact thing to you if and when you begin a new relationship?

He needs to figure himself out, but by asking you to be physically intimate with him while he is tied to another person in a relationship, I’m afraid he has already shown his true colors.

I encourage you to think about why he might be making this request of you and try to decipher what his interior motives could be, but even more so, I encourage you to do some deep soul searching and indulge in some self care. If you take some time to yourself, you may see the situation in a less intense, emotional light, and may decide after some time that dealing with your ex boyfriend’s BS isn’t worth it anymore.

Regardless of what you decide, be sure to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Give yourself time to process, and always be true to yourself and make the decisions that will benefit you the most in the long run.

So, as usual let’s talk about your situation below in the comments.

  1. Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
  2. What your breakup was actually like
  3. And what you have done after your breakup and where are you in the Ex Recovery Program?

Our team will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. Together we can asses the situation and discuss what approach you should take to getting your ex back without being “the other woman” or the “sidechick.”

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96 thoughts on “My Ex Has a New Girlfriend But Still Wants to Sleep With Me”

  1. Avatar


    February 19, 2020 at 11:44 am

    My ex and I break up December last year, and the same month he propose to someone else
    January he came asking for forgiveness, I no I cus our break up because I cheated on him, which that was the first thing he told me about when we started dating, and he cheated on me too after I cheated first and we resolve the matter, we forgive ourselves and the relationship was going on, all of a sudden he engaged someone else, he blocked me on Whatsapp and Facebook for two months, January he came back and was asking me to forgive that he doesn’t know what came over he that he can imagine his life without me, that he want to have sex with me ever since we break up he can’t have it with anyone else, I told him I made up my mind never to do that with anyone else, but I break that promise I made to myself and gave it to him, we keep talking he said his going to sort things out with the other girl, he came back to Facebook and I checked every of our memories are still there, yesterday he ask me for sex again and I refuse, he got angry and left now he has deleted his Facebook account again and I blocked all his contact on my phone

  2. Avatar


    February 3, 2020 at 11:55 pm

    I was seeing a guy a few months ago, we knew each other through mutual friends. He was out of state at the time when we began talking. We didn’t see each other for almost a month and everything felt great. I was excited to see him. But when came back home and it just got kind of weird. We had said that we would hang out, make all these plans, etc. but since he hasn’t been back in a while, he was extremely busy… we went out on a couple dates during the day, hung out a lot at his place, and everything seemed fine, but it never felt 100% fine. We talked everyday, he always asked how I was doing and support me through my tough days, but when I asked him where this was going he pretty much told me he wasn’t ready to commit just yet… and neither was I tbh. I had just gotten out of a long-term relationship a few months prior and I was still pretty damaged. Which leads me to how we “broke up”. I don’t know why but I was NOT trying not to come off as clingy or needy. I gave him his space when he was busy, I didn’t double text him or show up unannounced, but I craved the affection. I missed being with someone all the time, needless to say, I was incredibly lonely and us barely seeing each other made things difficult. He had to go back out of state with minimal visits, so we saw each other even less. Then there was one night I was out with friends and apparently he was back in the state and didn’t say anything to me. I was hurt, I admit and drunk. So I sent him an drunk text basically telling him I deserved better and I guess it caught him off guard because it hurt his feelings. So we took a break which turned out to be us not talking again for a 4 months or so. I slept with someone else to try and move on, but it didn’t seem to help. I couldn’t help but feel like everything was my fault. He didn’t deserve to be “yelled” at, but I also feel like he wasn’t fair to me. It’s now been 5 months and I slept with him 3 weeks ago. We were both drunk and it was the best sex, but during that very intoxicated moment, he mentioned that he was seeing someone else already. He was interrogating me asking if I was really with someone else, to which I told him I was not, because I didn’t want to be with anyone after what happened between him and I, but bottom line he was with someone else. I waited until after he fell asleep and I left. We have been keeping in contact since that night and we talk about the sex a lot. He wanted to do it again but I held my ground and told him no. Not in the situation we are in now where there is someone else involved. He respected it, but the tension was all there. We saw each other for 5 seconds and we both could barely hold ourselves together, I had to get out of the area, which I did.

    I don’t know what to think. I can’t tell if he’s still into me, or he just wants me for sex. You know how you can certainly tell that someone just wants you for sex, but the way we look at each other and communicate is something completely different. Maybe I’m being blind-sighted. Please just tell me what I should do, because there is a huge part of me that wants him back, but if it’s clear and true that he has never and will never see me that way, please just tell me so I can move on. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 5:40 pm

      Hey there so I am sorry but I can not tell you what to do, if you want to get your ex back then this is a program that can help you do that, if you want to move on then solely focus on No Contact and the Ungettable process. This is your decision which path you choose

  3. Avatar


    January 21, 2020 at 7:20 am

    In Oct. He took his Playstation tobhisbparents home and said he moved out, however he was still at the house everyday and most nights. Still said I love you everyday. In Dec it changed and he was hot and cold. He spent the week of Christmas with me and we took a 4 day vacation. New Years Eve rolled around and he was MIA. I learned that he was with someone who was home from vet school for winter break. He, apparently, has been talking to her online for about a month. The next day he came home not saying anything. A few days later I had a complete meltdown and messaged her about how he was at home with me on the days he hadnt been with her. He had seen her 5 days since she had arrived. She told him about my message and he went crazy and left. He blocked me on everything. I went into NC. 13 days later I caught him driving by my house (I believe she had returned to school). On day 16 he texted and called and stopped by, I didnt answer. His text said he needed to get his stuff. Day 17, I texted he could get his stuff I had it altogether. He came by-started by discussing our shared business. He put his arm around me and I didnt stop it. Eventually he said he couldnt touch me cuz hed want to have sex with me and we cant do that. We hung out the entire night. He left when I said I had to go to bed. Day 18 he came by again. We took a walk, hung out. Out of the blue he got up, said he shouldnt be there cuz we were not together and left. I was confused but figured Id go back to NC. An hour later he returned and said he did not want to hurt me but we could not be together again, he needs to be alone and mentally he is not in a good place. I said ok. We both started to cry and had sex. He hung out for several hours. Before he left he hugged me and said not to text him this week cuz hell want to hang with me and we cant.(i had already decided on NC before he said this) After he left I wondered if he called the girl, she goes to school in Granada and we live in Cali, a 4 hour difference. IF that’s the case why would he come back and have sex with me IF he had just spoken with her? I think hes very confused. We were together 6 years and lived together for 3.
    HELP- what do I do??

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 8:38 pm

      Hi Lynn, so the reason he came and slept with you that night was because he knew he could, when someone moves out – as hard as it is you need to be strong and set some boundaries that you will and wont accept. Knowing he has spoken to another woman or had your suspicions I would suggest that you stop the intimacy between you both and focus on showing him that you respect yourself more than he is right now. No sex, not even giving him an easy time. I would evne go into a no contact where you do not reach out to him at all and see if this changes his attitude. Start following the process and work on yourself. Respect yourself, love yourself and make sure that you do not settle for less than what you want for yourself

  4. Avatar


    January 19, 2020 at 9:54 am

    My ex and I were together for 4 years. Had known each other for about the same prior.
    We both started dating while both going through messy divorces. So the beginning of our relationship was more of support for each other and friendship that turned into more.
    Once we were able to freely date without the harassment from our ex’s it was then time to introduce the kids and he kept delaying it. Couldn’t do it. His kids were younger than mine and he wasn’t ready to bring another women into their lives yet. So we dated still but things got hard because I felt like the other women. So our once amazing solid connection got damaged by me being jealous that he had to split his time and we didn’t see each other as much as we had the first two years.
    Finally the last year we were together we pretty much became friends with benefits. Neither of us had new relationships, we talked a lot, texted often and still had sex. But no longer did couple things or went away together anymore. He and I had this soul mate type connection, we’d do things so alike and laugh about it, we’d even come out of different rooms dressed alike unplanned of course. We would be texting each other the same things at the same time. Shop separately and find out we bought the same sneakers. Silly stuff like that. Always feeling connected. It’s like I knew how he was feeling before he said anything. We were the type with no awkward silence. He even talked about marriage.
    But because of the “hiding it from the kids” we just fell apart, I wanted more and he still wasn’t ready with his kids. He continued to tell me for over a year plus after we called it off how much he loved me and on occasion I would still sleep with him. I tried to move on and he would do things to get me back but not enough to come out to his family. So I would pull away again and he’d come crawling back again. Over and over.
    So I stupidly would play the yo-yo game. Thinking I could win him back.
    Then recently he really moved on. Kept her a Secret from his family and kids and me. All while moving on with her he was texting me he loves me and no one can compare and will always love me and is so sorry it didn’t work out. And wanted nothing more than to be with me. we had been sleeping with each other, hanging out once in a blue moon and still talking weekly. I had not idea he had someone new.
    Still saying he couldn’t because of the kids. ( I knew his kids before his divorce, we all live near each other) he was so afraid the kids and his ex would think we started before his divorce.

    Then the other day he tells me he met someone and it was over with us.
    I haven’t talked to him since. It’s only been a week but since then
    I found out it’s been longer than he told me that he met someone one. He told me a month ago.
    Come to find out he has been with this new women for 6-9 months while sleeping with me and telling me how much he loves me still. hiding it from everyone.

    Why did he continue to lead me on, when he told me about this new women he then sat there for an hour and half talking about why our relationship couldn’t work. Kept blaming he was worried how his kids would react because I was part of his past. Didn’t want them to think I was the reason for his divorce. It may have looked that way but they are kids and weren’t going to think that since it had already been years since his ex and him split.

    Anyway why still tell me you love me and no one compares but I can’t be with you. Why tell me I want nothing more than to be with you but too much has happened.
    Why break it off and then sit there and hug me and kiss the top of my head and remind me of all the great memories? If your sleeping with someone else now and just used me for the last 6 plus months?
    Why string me along the last two years just to move on and introduce her to your kids the day you came clean with me.
    Just a month before we had a conversation about how he could talk to his kids about it and how great they all would get along.
    Heartbroken for be strung along with connection and sex while he was with someone else. Is she a rebound or was I used? I have gone with no contact. Do I tell his new girlfriend he’s been sleeping with me all through their relationship?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 22, 2020 at 7:03 pm

      Hey Hil, this sounds as if he is trying to make you feel better with the “cant be together because of this this and this” as if he has justified his actions to himself this way. I would NOT tell the other woman that he was seeing you and her at the same time, all it is going to do is make you look like a bitter ex and push them closer together, where you become their common enemy. You do not want this! You need to go into a no contact of 45 days and work on getting over the hurt you have gone through, focus on yourself and how to be happy again. Then reach out at the end of your 45 day no contact as his friend, read about the being there method, this information is on this website for you, and make sure you understand how to do it before reaching out to him.

  5. Avatar


    January 17, 2020 at 4:09 am

    Hi, I caught my ex meeting up with a girl he was friends with. He had been talking to her for quite some time and the first time they met up I caught them. He begged me to stay but met her again a week later so I broke up with him. I had hoped he would fight me to stay but he just kept saying he was sorry. We have a long history… we were best friends in high school and he was my high school crush. We went our separate ways after graduation and fast forward 15 years he was 6 months out of a divorce. We began talking as friends a couple months before but he was already split from his wife who cheated on him while he was in Kuwait. The day his divorce was final he asked me to move in. We had an easy relationship. Talked about everything, cooked together, cleaned together and everything seemed fine. 7 months into the relationship he pulled this stunt with the other woman. I went no contact but I was needing to get my things (beds, couches, kitchen appliances). About 2.5 weeks into NC I was at my daughters practice and he is a coach. He said he had mail for me in his truck and it’s the first time I had seen his kids since I had left. I played with the kids and got my mail and went my separate way. He began texting me that night and the next day. He was quiet a few day then called me. He had expressed interest in being friends bc we always were but I had true feelings for him. He contacted me and said if I wanted to come over he would help me load some of my belongings. When I got there he was drinking and offered me one. I drank it while we loaded my truck and then we sat down and talked like old friends. It was really nice but somewhere along the way the alcohol hit me really hard and he picked me up and carried me to the bed saying he would sleep on the couch. I said I needed to go home and he started trying to have sex with me. Saying he was jealous and didn’t want anyone else to have me. I was too drunk to leave and didnt have anyone to call. I finally got him to go to sleep and I closed the bedroom door and went to sleep myself. I had sex with him once he woke me up with what he was doing. I was pissed and left right after. He called me the next morning to ask if I was ok and I told him that could never happen again. I told him I did not verbally consent to have sex with him and he has a girlfriend and I feel like crap. He is with the woman he left me for and I do not condone cheating. I really wanted him back but I’m thinking he doesnt know which way is up let alone what he actually wants. I am in NC again and just trying to figure out where to go from here.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2020 at 4:32 am

      Hi Jen read the being there method, and think if you can do that work. Spend this time in NC and let this new woman for now as they need to pass the honeymoon phase and you need to get over the cheating and hurt you went through

  6. Avatar


    December 28, 2019 at 2:50 am

    I have known this guy since middle school. We went to middle school and high school together. He contacted me through fb and asked if I was divorced bc he was going through one. We started talking and I had no intentions for liking him more than a friend. As time went on we started saying. We dated for 8 months and then I noticed he was becoming a little distant the last week. He usually texts pretty fast when I text him. Well over the weekend I noticed a car at his house and he didn’t open any of my messages until that car was gone. We planned on meeting up Monday and before we shortly met up I found out the car belonged to a woman. He then texted and tried meeting me Tuesday morning for coffee and I said no. He said to give him a minute and he didn’t call me back for 2 hours and said he was heading home. Between that time I went by that woman’s house and his car was there. When I went to his house he was trying to tell me he needed things to slow down due to his divorce being done and process his new life with his kids. I confronted him about where he was at and the car. I’m surprised he said it was a female but they are just friends. I then asked where he was tonight and he said his parents. I finally said I saw his car at her house, he finally admitted it and said he was sorry that he hurt me.
    I just can’t figure out why he lied to me and I told him that. I also asked if he ever cared for me and he said yes but what changed is he realized his kids need him, doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship, fear, etc. I don’t know how he lost his feelings for me in a week and now he’s seeing this other woman. What I don’t get is he looks at all my social media and if he didn’t want to be with me why look at my stuff? His divorce was finalized the day he started talking to this woman.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 2, 2020 at 11:55 pm

      Hey Kelly, he’s looking because he is more than likely looking for some indication to what is going on with your life, so make sure your social media is looking Ungettable (look this term up on this website) And go into a No Contact for 45 days and work on yourself in that time, then if you want to get him back you can start doing the being there method, where you will have to read up on this method on this website too.

  7. Avatar


    December 13, 2019 at 3:17 pm

    My ex boyfriend and I were together for a year. We broke up because we wanted a break as soon as we broke up he said he had feelings for his ex. Mind you we took each other v -cards and he is my first love. All summer we were together 24/7 and i begged him to stop talking to his ex. As soon as school started back up he was talking to her which pissed me off. I started to feel like he used me for sex at this point. He blocked me for a month and as soon as he unblocked me we starting having sex , that’s all we ever talked about even if I wanted to have a real talk. He finally got another girlfriend but we had sex 3 times while they have been together. He always tell me im not his first love or he doesn’t love me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 15, 2019 at 9:01 pm

      Hi Myiah, it sounds like this boy is using you for sex so stop giving it to him, respect yourself and know what a immature person he is to be cheating on a girlfriend with you and then telling you that he does not love you. But wants to be intimate with you. Read up on what we call Ungettable on this website and do the work so that you realise your true worth and become the best version of yourself. Knowing what he is doing to you is not right or fair

  8. Avatar

    Heather C Frye

    December 6, 2019 at 1:02 pm

    So the relevant part of my story to this question is that my ex is in what has all the earmarks of a rebound and he has moved the friendly talk between us to asking to see me. He has NOT asked for sex or anything untoward. I’ll give him that.


    He’s skirting around getting his GFs blessing to hang out with me. My response was if friends you want to be, then it won’t hurt to tell her.

    To me this is a morally gray area. I would love to see him but said no because I’m not into hurting others even if I would NEVER do anything. TBH honest I’m trilybnot sure I do want him back and if we did I would like it with all my morals intact. But admittedly I miss the commonalities and ability to talk with him about our common interests, truly.

    I’ve never seen this addressed by y’all. Yet. But I’m interested in what you have to say. Thoughts?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 5:29 pm

      Hi Heather, so this has been mentioned and it is what we call the Being there method, as you said its a gray area. Hanging out with your ex and spending time with him again, with or without the girlfriends permission, will help you decide if you want to be with him again, and if you do then you need to make yourself familiar with the being there method.

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    November 13, 2019 at 12:42 am

    When I went to a new school, in grade 10 that’s when I met,sfundo who’s now my ex
    He did everything in his power to show me that he loved me..but I wasn’t interested (I loved him but didn’t wanna sate him) that time..I hadn’t dated anyone and my parents never allowed us to date so,I was scared to break the rules but eventually my heart gave in and we dated towards the end of the year…everything was just awkward
    I didn’t know how to date or how to act in a relationship and I used to avoid him..until he started getting really close to this female friend of his..I got jealous and tried my best to act normal when we were chilling but I just couldn’t.. Schools closed..we had December holidays..the following year..when we were in grade classmates rol me that sfundo and his friend were officially a couple (that broke me)..I tried my best to avoid the two of them..and I used to bump into them..but I was able to manage a smile..that year also ended then grade 12 started..I thought I was over him and he came to me and he was like..he wants us to have sex..I told him that he was crazy..and told my best friend who happens to be his sister.. That he asked me that..she told me to not give in as the year went by I developed feelings for him again and this time they became Stronger as we spent lot of time together.. We would kiss but never had sex coz I’m a virgin that believes in sex after marriage
    But I’ve been kissing him and calling each other for hours and we would mention how much we love each other..I know he truly loves me coz the look in his eyes says it all..he calls a lot these days..but his sister is against all of this.. She says that he’s playing me coz he has his girlfriend
    And I’ve never dated someone else..I love him.. I want him..I need willing to be in an open relationship with him if that’s what he wants…
    He said he wants to marry me..and I don’t see my self marrying someone the way am 17
    His crazy right?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 11:24 pm

      Hi Siwe, so if you want him to be your boyfriend again, you need to ignore him for 30 days, read the materials on this website and try to follow them as much as you can

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    Nia Johnson

    October 11, 2019 at 5:40 am

    I previously posted my situation and I just wanted to know if I should ask him for closure…he just told me he loved me last week and now he’s on twitter saying he loves her…and they’re together now but she keeps subtweeting me. I just don’t know if I should go get him back or let that relationship play out. It’s so hard for me to move on and here he is telling another girl he loves her. I really don’t understand this. This sucks I really wasted all these years.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 11, 2019 at 7:14 pm

      Hi Nia, if you want him back you need to do the Being There Method, as for what hes telling you and telling her… you need to make it clear you’re not willing to cheat if he tries, if this is a new relationship then you need to be patient for the honeymoon phase to pass

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    Nia Johnson

    October 5, 2019 at 8:24 pm

    Hello, before I start I know that everybody is going to tell me to leave this man be. And even I know I should. So I am currently 19 and when I was in 2nd grade this boy let’s call him Brian used to kick me in my shin on the bus with these huge winter boots on and it even left a mark. When I was 16 I reconnected with him because I realized that he was the boy that used to kick me only he was kinda cute now. So we started texting and eventually he came over and that was nice but about 3 weeks later we stopped talking and some months later I got in a relationship which lasted about 9 months and after it ended I was heart broken but a month later I started back talking to Brian and we ended up having sex and we would hang out all the time at my house or his. He previously told me he wasn’t looking for a relationship at the time so I accepted that cause I figured I shouldn’t jump into another relationship anyway. However, weeks turned into months, months turned into going on 3 years considering its about to be 2020 in a few months. In these almost 3 years it was a lot of crying and wondering why we never made it official. Also in these years I started talkong to other people I even stopped talking to him when I thought things were going good with this other person but that didn’t go anywhere and he started to be my fall back plan. I would always stop talking to him and then come right back but he rarely would cut things off with me until last year on new years when I got a text that he couldn’t talk to me anymore and then that broke my heart because we had been in a good space. So before this I had made friends with a boy that he was also pretty cool with and I would always tell him how I was in love with Brian but he would always tell me I deserve better and things of that nature. So when Brian stopped talking to me and I was hurt I said ok and I attempted to hurt him back and I ended up having sex with the guy he was cool with. Only to have Brian come back to me and apologize 2 days after I’ve had sex with his friend. He didn’t end up finding out until mid July and that happened on January 1st. But up until he found out me and Brian were pretty good until I saw he posted another girl on his instagram story and he had never posted me or anything and then when I confronted him about it he said it didn’t matter and we fell out. About 3 weeks later we reconnected and they weren’t together anymore and things kind of went back to normal and then we somehow fell out again and he went back with her and then we reconnected again only this time I was on vacation and we were texting and things were fine until I asked him to ft me and then he showed the clear signs that someone had told him that me and his friend had sex and he said that we weren’t going to talk anymore. I was devastated because honestly the “sex” with his friend lasted 6 seconds and it was so horrible for me. But that didn’t matter and now he knew. so about 2 weeks later I reached out to him after some advice from a friend and I apologized and told him I missed him and that same night I ended up over his house and we had “I miss you” sex. Only to come to figure out he was still with that girl. So I stopped talking to him and then we reconnected ugh and had sex again only he was single. And then we stopped and then we started to see each other more frequently and it didn’t seem like him and the girl were together anymore however we got drunk one night and I asked him if he loved her and he said he loved me and we went back and for and I asked him again and he said he might and even if he did it wouldn’t change how he feels about me or how much he valued me. I don’t see how he can love me and maybe love her. But then I knew that they were together from some research and digging and we were having sex often. And I don’t understand why he would want to be with somebody else when he loves me and is having sex with me frequently. I don’t know why we still continue to talk or have sex. But I know I do love him and I can’t see me getting over him soon. I don’t know what I could do differently at this point but cut off the sex and just be friends until he grows up. 4 years of my life down the drain and my heart is still in the palm of his hands.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2019 at 3:24 pm

      Hey Nia, so its going to be a little harsh here… but the reason he won’t commit to you, is because he knows he can have you whenever he wants you. I am going to be slightly blunt here. He’s NOT going to commit to any girl who gives it to him on a plate. You tell him you love him, you told him you dont want commitment from him (at the start) and you even sleep with him when he is with someone else.

      But, you want him and in a committed relationship. So firstly 100% NO MORE SEX
      You need to NC him for some time and work on yourself too, because I can bet if you’re truthful your self esteem and confidence has been broken a few times from the on and off again friends with benefits relationship essentially. If he value’s you then he should notice your silence but it is important that you stick to your 30 days No Contact. And start dating new guys outside of your social circle casually. NO SEX….

      Your social media needs to show you living your life and doing fun and exciting things and some subtle date photos too. You need to look like you’re happy and are moving on properly. Like you’ve said in your post he has some growing up to do, but he isn’t going to give you what you want from him without there being a reason for him to chase you.

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    Angel Brown

    September 27, 2019 at 4:28 pm

    Hello, I have been racking my brain about this situation and it hurts, I just need advice. And I’ll give you the short version! Okay, I started dating my Ex (lets call him bob)when he was young, I found out that I was pregnant with my ex before him and told Bob that I couldn’t be with him, but bob said forget that, I wanna love and be with you. It was nice he was with me through the whole thing, I lived with him for a while at his moms house but then that didn’t work so I had to be long distance from him and move a state away. Which was fine, I got to see him every single weekend, so it was fine. Skip a year later and I had cheated on bob with my ex from a drunken night out, and couldn’t face him to tell him. So skip, two months later, I found out I was pregnant with bobs baby, but something in my mind thought that it was my ex’s so I had to come clean. It hurt bob to shreds and we had to really work through it, I had my daughter and she was bobs! Everything was fine, until the arguing and trust started to fade and bob wasn’t himself. He was always anger with me and we broke up a couple of times. But we always got back together. ALWAYS! So the last time we got back together, we sat down and talked about what we wanted from this relationship and how we wanted to finally be together and find a place. So skip to last month, we got into a fight and I told him that I didn’t wanna live in his moms house to come back down to him. After that, he ghosted me. I kept texting and texting and he finally said” I don’t think we can be together at this point, sorry good luck” I was hurt and devastated because I thought we were fine !!! But I found out he met a girl two weeks before he broke up with me and been with her ever since. I freaked out and started being wild until I stopped and gave him space. Skip to last week. I thought to text him one day to see a movie, and he said he wanted to see me, so I drove down to him and saw his new place and he kept telling me how good he was with her and she 10xs better than I ever was and it hurt so bad. But then he told me he wanted to and how he wanted to touch me and kiss me…. and I guess you can tell what happened. So skip to this week and we have been texting every since, he says he doesn’t want to be with her and he wants to be with me and that it can’t hapoen because I’m not down there and she is and she gets him aorund and treats him good, and all that. But continues to make sexual jokes about having his cake and eating it too. But every time I tell him to come home to his family, he makes an excuse. He acts like he wants me but then keeps me as a secret. He doesn’t call, I’m on silent so he doesn’t get notifications when I text, I can’t text him at a certain hour and I know she is always around him. And he says if I got with anyone else he would be done with me all together…. what do I do? I wanna be with him and have our family back to show him, I’ve changed and I can be better to him! How do I do it ??? Please help !

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 29, 2019 at 9:15 pm

      Hi Angel, so the problem here is he KNOWS HE HAS YOU and this is not something that you want when you need him to leave his relationship. There has been a lot of back and forth between you too which is where you need to break the pattern. Do you think you’re at a place where you can commit and not fall into the same pattern of arguing or cheating further down the line. You need to make him feel like he is going to lose you. You do this by being Ungettable, you can read up about this on the website. Also his threat about being done if you met someone else, and even telling you hes having his cake and eating it too is the proof of how little he is respecting you and the other woman right now.

  13. Avatar


    September 21, 2019 at 7:43 am


    I’m so glad I found this article. My ex boyfriend of 5 years(on and off)broke up with me in January, we had little to no contact until April when one night he rang me calling me saying he needed me, I stupidly went to see him and we ended up sleeping together, he then went on to tell me after he couldn’t talk to me anymore. Fast forward to the end of July where he calls me again upset looking for me, i stupidly go over to him and we sleep together, he has a girlfriend, he’s been seeing someone for a few months. Since then we’ve meet up nearly once a week and slept together each time. I know how awful it sounds and after reading your article I’m really going to try stay away from him. I’m struggling because I really love him but he doesn’t care about me I’m just sex because he’s obviously not content in that new relationship.

  14. Avatar

    Hanna powell

    September 19, 2019 at 5:00 pm

    So I was with my ex for 7 years we have 2 kids together son is 2 and daughter is 5 he also has a son age 11 from previous. The relationship started to brake down when my son was born as he was hard work! 3 months into having a baby my ex met a girl that served us at a restaurant and they started contacting each other. Long story short it was going on for 8 months an he left me to b with her! Then after a few weeks he got bored and come back! Then left again.. then would ask for sex all the time which I gave but then I found out he was still with this girl!. He came back and forth 6 times hurting me an my children emotionally. He has now said he will not be coming back as he loves this girl and wants to live with her and have a baby! My head is totally confused!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 19, 2019 at 5:39 pm

      Hey Hanna, I’m sorry how hard this must be on you and your children. Complete a LNC and stick with it. You need to try to make your life (with your children) solid happy foundation for them to be better again. Your ex will realise his mistake leaving and ruining your family. Him telling you he wants to have a baby with her is more than likely his way of hurting you. Look up limited no contact, and other articles that discuss children with your ex. Also NO SEX unless hes back with and has remove the OW totally from his life

  15. Avatar


    September 14, 2019 at 9:54 pm

    Together 2.5 years. From the moment he left he took a breather. And then started calling and texting a week later like nothing changed. He was sweet. It was a difference. Like he just needed a breather. He changed our dynamic. Took away the intimacy so we could work on ourselves. We missed and wanted each other so much but I could see he was trying to control this and Lead like we were starting over.

    Had his own agenda. Keeping me “around”. In his view. To Make a long story short. Two months later I asked him…and he Indeed had slept with “his friend”. He admitted it humbly. Why didn’t I Say bye then!! He was so distraught, sorry I was hurt asking could I get pass it and I wanted too. I Thought she was random chick but she wasn’t. He stayed friends with her. In his click. She had been around. So what the moral of the story is. Since he’d had her and could possibly still have me like you said he was like Yahoo I can have my cake and eat it too! By months later He had become over-confident, manipulative and deceiving and was just being a typical single Man like we never had 3 years together. Why didn’t i say Buh-Bye then!

    I was hurt and insulted because had I known I could have stopped letting him call and text me if he was trying to Move ON. She has been in the picture every “friends”. He still wanted to have me if I could be Ok with him just “Living his life” and seeing other women. I tried twice keeping in touch but realized if we can do this we can talk about us. I had questions and went in convincing mode. So I wasn’t quiet and not being his little puppet like he had hoped. He did some deceitful ish last May so I went NC 3 months.

    By the time I talked to him again. He was excited to hear from me. Like he was on the edge of the sofa waiting for me to text. Spending like a little boy. I scared him.

    He was ready to pull me back in. It was nice but…He was still sexing her and living his life.

    A few weeks later I called him out on something and said my peace. I wanted to be done. I was so astounded. He chased me down to talk. Texted me at work and said I am still gonna call so we can talk.
    And low and behold he called got passionate, darn near in tears. PROFOUNDLY speaking how he missed us, me, our intimacy. That I know he would want me as his wife. How he wanted me and all that and I wanted him too. But I made it clear that WE meant more than sex and I wouldn’t Share him. He agreed that I was more too. However, he wasn’t ready to stop being out there single. So 2 days later he called. I asked when we would see each other. He said, “when we are committed”. I said, “what does that mean?” He said, “when I come to you we will commit, join together and move forward toward marriage. I didn’t say anything. I said I would watch and listen.

    He called lightly for month and as we got closer. I thought he was taking it slow. I mentioned about spending time together and He ghosted for a month. Mind games. I was so tired.

    He called me after a month in Dec. It was nice at first. I brought things up nicely and he frustratingly pounced on me belittling my feelings and was VERY defensive. Weeks later He was like I told you I don’t want to be with just 1 women Hey, I’m just a Man! Wth? Who am I talking too? So after Xmas he had surgery and was very non chalent. I know you want to see me but this is my life so it will be your choice. So I pulled back went NC.

    I was Drained. My mind was twisted. I was upset. I thought I was done! I changed my number too. I reached out a month later to check on his surgery and he was nice. Weeks Flirted, videoed, laughed, reminisced and he did more talking than me. I was calm and didn’t do too much. He gave me his plan goals. And it sounded like he was telling me for a reason As we had these plans. But I didn’t question it. And I never would have thought he was seeing anyone. (Slapping myself)

    He’d stayed close to her. NOW Sept has grown into a couple and said that won’t change. What was I suppose to do?? He was playing with my head. I couldn’t lay my self respect down and just have an intimate thing with him knowing he is seeing someone else! So this is my fault? He says find some that can give you what you want throughout out breakup.
    I go quiet HERE HE COMES. Push/Pull for over a year! Wanting to keep me around. And for what, this. He chose HER!! Its “Easier” . They evolved

    Yet, He was frustrated still bringing up our past. He was bitter about me not reaching out for his bday and Holidays. He seemed confused, defensive. Like he HAD to make this real so he can justify his decision. But it was sad. Because it didn’t have to go this way!! But he let ego and pride come in, over confidence and trying to run game. And I being too emotional let him. He playing with fire had a “plan” and it failed. Now look at us now.

    And yea, he is still willing to be intimate if I could handle it. And NO I will never engage with him like this. Is there anything that can be done. NC just made him feel i am forcing him to commit. I am so turned off, hurt, and Numb.

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    What should I do and why do you think he's doing this his gf works also has her own car and spoils him.

    May 27, 2019 at 11:10 am

    I was in a relationship with my ex in 2015 we were going good than one day he left me to go back with his ex than he moved to a different state his ex that was his gf at the time didn’t wana move so he found someone else he was still calling me and asking me too move I said no than he moved back to my state the end of 2016 he wanted to see me again we slept together than a few months later he told me he met someone else theyre still in a relationship sense 2016 it’s now 2019 in 2017 and ending of 2018 he wanted too see me we slept together on both occasions not to mention I was blocked on fb and he’d call me off his gf phone I wasn’t aloud too call him and recently in March 2019 he unblocked me and added me again than lastnight 26 of may 2019 he msgd me on Facebook asking for my number I didn’t reply so he blocked me than unblocked me than I sent my number he unfriended and said he didn’t want his gf too see our messages he rang my phone also texting asking too me too go to his gf flat were he also lives telling me she was out of town and he wanted too have sex I said no and he told me he’d keep messaging me and not too call him at all so I fell asleep. I also told him numerous times too leave me alone his got a gf but he doesn’t and he always wants sex off me.

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    March 26, 2019 at 10:15 pm

    I was seeing this guy for 2 years and because he wouldn’t fully committ to me i decided to walk away. A month after this he started a relationship with someone else and i decided to block him everywhere. 10 months after this he managed to contact me again. This happened July last year. After this he has been messaging me more and more often. At first he was nice and normal and as months passed by he started flirting with me. We met up this weekend and spent a night together and it was amazing, very caring and loving and it really felt like these last 2 years never existed. It felt as if it was yesterday last time we saw each other. He also doesn’t live where i live since he moved out to another city about a year and a half ago.
    All i know is that it’s been 4 years since we started “this” whatever it is and somehow we always come back to each other.
    I didn’t have sex with him because i want him back, i do still feel the same as intense and as real as the first time though, but i just wanted to have sex with him. I know i couldn’t be with him as i don’t trust him but why is it so difficult to leave him in the past? Why is he doing what he is doing? He knows what i want and he knows why i broke up so why coming back to the same thing? Is it really worth it hurting his girlfriend just to be in touch with me again?
    Help please!

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    Rose petito

    March 16, 2019 at 2:05 am

    I’m presently dealing with a narcissist in and out of relationship 65 years, he’s met another and went silent on me he’s done this over and over he even went so far to tell me she’s so special has a beautiful personality but I found out she’s buying him drugs she has no idea who he is right now he’s love bombing her. She doesn’t know he was here with me and yes we did have sex while he spoke to her. I told him I guess we can no longer do that and he said I can touch him anytime I want . This has been going on for Years it’s motho new but I’m drowning because I truly love him have loved him all these years . I text this morning and he did respond because I simply told him no matter what happened I still love him idk what to do especially since she’s buying him drugs I know it will end because when she stop buying he’s gonna see her personality change . But In the mean time I’m so upset what should I do

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    March 10, 2019 at 10:29 pm

    Thanks for the great article!

    Mine and my exes relationship was very toxic. Although we loved each other so much it was almost to much. After years of fighting and being so inlove one minute and fighting the next I decided to move overseas to get away and try have a fresh start.

    This worked for a short time but during this time my ex got a new girlfriend. I believe she was a rebound since day one and he has even admitted to it. He can’t bare to be alone. We have chatted on and off since I have been away but never for long as one of us end up blocking each other.

    I am moving back in A few weeks and have recently been in contact with him again. He now wants to see me and has been talking to me, saying he’s going to see me on the side (sleep with me) until he can figure out if we can work or not.

    I love this man so much. I don’t know why. I want to see him and I know I’ll have no self control if I do see him.

    Please help!! I need advice!!

    Thank you x

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      March 10, 2019 at 11:46 pm

      Hi Abbie!

      Just take it slow. The more you push or show a lot of interest, the less he will be incentivized to chase. If you choose to share him with this other girl, realize things can get complicated and confusing in many ways. There is a method I call the “Being There” approach. I wrote a post about it on the site. If you reach out to me thru the “Contact Form” link (found on the bottom of the each page of my site) I can fill you in on more of the details. Just remind me and ask me about it if you do send me an email!

  20. Avatar


    February 24, 2019 at 9:39 am

    I just found out that my ex is with someone new. I must admit, I was verbally and emotionally abusive towards him and did not have an intimate relationship with him for 2 years. Not that I was seeing anyone else but I guess it came to a point where he was becoming too needy. I have tried the no contact rule but he has already reached out to me a couple of times. What do I do? He also says he misses me and wants to talk about getting back together and I’m getting the idea he just wants to sleep with me also. What do I do next?

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