I was contemplating starting this article off with “tell him to take a long walk off a short pier” and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t really be an article now, would it?
That’s basically the gist of how I feel, though. Or at least, my initial reaction to this topic.
But I hear it often enough in our Facebook Group,
“My ex is cheating on his girlfriend with me.”
“I’m still hooking up with my ex, even though he has a girlfriend.”
“Should I sleep with my ex even though he’s seeing someone else?”
I understand that you love who you love, and even if they are an awful person. And I understand that most people who visit this site are here because they want to get their ex back. So, we’re just gonna go from there. I mean, it’s either that or get a REALLY short article that’s basically me just saying… “nope.”
So because of this, I’m going to kind of split this article into two sections: a section where I explain why maybe you should consider letting go and moving on (let’s face it, some people are just not looking out for your best interest), and then a section of what to do if you still want to get him back.
So without further ado, let’s get started.
The Moral High Ground – The Head
Let’s face it, when you let your heart lead, you don’t always give a situation the rational thought you should. So, we are going take a little walk through the rational thought process that you most likely want so badly to skip.
Have you ever heard the phrase
“How you get them is how you lose them”?
“If he’ll do it FOR you, he’ll do it TO you.”
If you are in this situation, that is something I want you to think about heavily as we make our way through this section.
Let me give you an example to start us off:
When I was in my freshman year of college, I made friends with a girl – let’s call her Jenna*.
Jenna, who was also a freshman, had been dating a guy a few years older for quite some time, we’ll call him Joe*
They were seemingly very happy together. However, another first year girl – let’s call her Christina – had her eye on Joe, and the two of them began an affair before Joe ended things with Jenna without a second thought.
At first, it seemed like maybe Joe and Christina were a better match than Joe and Jenna had been – the two of them were together for years and were, again, seemingly very happy. Fast forward two years, though.
Jenna had transferred to another school and was happily in another relationship. Joe and Christina were still together. But Joe had started getting closer to another girl in his class – we’ll call her Laurie.
I’m guessing you know what happened next – Joe and Laurie began an affair, and then he unceremoniously ended things with Christina, who was completely devastated.
Though I considered Christina a friend, I couldn’t help but think,
“What did you expect? That is exactly how you got him. If he did it to someone else, he can do it to you.”
That’s the moral of this story, really. Joe was, I believe still is, a serial relationship jumper – always looking for the better opportunity, and never fully leaving a relationship until he already has one foot in his next one. I suspect that this comes from a deep place of insecurity, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.
Keep in mind, if your ex is still calling you or texting you asking for sex even though he is in a new relationship and the two of you were to get back together, it is likely that he will turn around and do the exact same thing to you. He probably won’t think twice about it because it’s become a habit. Behaving in this way really is a testament to his character, and as you can probably guess, it is not testifying to his GOOD character.
Do you really want to begin a relationship based on cheating and lies?
That does not bode well for any future relationship that might come out of it. And both you and the other woman in question deserve better than a man who isn’t secure in himself or ready for commitment.
If your ex is asking for sex while in a new relationship, I urge you to seriously think about what that means about who he is, and why you would welcome that negativity into your life.
It may also be helpful to try and get a gauge on why he is making this request.
- Is it that he is unhappy in his current relationship?
- If that is the case, why won’t he just end things with her?
- Why cheat?
- Does he get off on the power play of having two, or more, women available to him?
Furthermore, if he does maintain a relationship with both of you, what incentive does that give him to leave her? If you make sex an option, you make yourself 100% available to him. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the best of both worlds. Why on earth would he chose you when he can have both?
I implore you – do not sleep with your ex boyfriend….under any circumstances, especially if he is in another relationship.
Relationships are supposed to be built on friendship, trust, and respect. If you give in to having sex with your ex, you are showing him you do not respect yourself, so why in the world would he respect you? I know this advice may seem harsh, but it is so important to set healthy boundaries after a breakup. Especially if another woman is involved.
If your ex is in a new relationship and still hitting you up to hook up, I would advise that you set clear boundaries within your friendship, and do a No Contact period – either 30 or 45 days. Assuming he intends to stay with her, your best bet would be to go for an indefinite No Contact period, but I understand that making that choice is not as simple as it seems.
When your ex has a girlfriend, but still talks to you it’s tempting to keep responding when your ex does get’s a little “more than friend-like” simply because it’s exciting that he’s still talking to you. But if you actually want him back, you have to create that distance for him to miss you, which means a step back in to No Contact.
Which brings me to…
But What if I Still Want Him Back? – The Heart
I wrote the rational and logical portion first because I didn’t want readers to read the advice about how to get back an ex who is behaving in such a way, then stop reading once I got on my soapbox about respect and character, or lack of it. So I got on my soapbox first.
So, we are going to cover the steps you should take if you are attempting to get an ex boyfriend back who is in another relationship, but still wants to continue a sexual relationship with you.
There are some of you who come to this site and ask,
“Should I sleep with my ex to get him back?”
Simpy put, the answer is no.
Sleeping with an ex after a breakup, even if he isn’t in a relationship, is close to being the LEAST effective way to get a guy back.
Getting someone back takes more finesse than just giving yourself to him on a platter.
As I mentioned in the previous section, No Contact is the first thing you should do. Show him you are not messing around and will not be his mistress while he embarks on a full fledged relationship with another woman.
Setting boundaries will be very important, and you have to be strong. I know that your feelings for him are so strong that the temptation to just jump right into his arms is very real, but you are going to have to have control of your emotions. That is necessary for every situation in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program, but even more so here. As I mentioned, if you slip up, he’ll think he can have it all without the commitment to you. This is not what you want and will lead you to be absolutely miserable in the end. Keep your eye on the big picture.
One of my favorite responses to this situation was hearing a girl say,
“Um, I don’t even share food. What makes you think I’m okay with sharing you with another woman?”
So first thing is first – No Contact.
After the No Contact period is over, I would recommend reconnecting as a friend and then starting the being there method. Remain in his life in a position that makes the other woman nervous. Work on developing the emotional component of your relationship so that he feels safe being vulnerable. I’ve always said that if a man can be comfortable being vulnerable with you, you are in a good place to hold an important position in his heart.
While using the Being There method, I recommend keeping sex talk to a minimum – if he brought up wanting to have sex with you once, that desire will not go away. In fact, the desire will likely only become more intense, as humans we are basically wired to always want what we cannot have.
Try to keep the interactions light, and focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical. If he pushes, do not be afraid to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. These tactics can sometimes twist your mind, but keep your eye on the prize and do not give in.
If he tends to continue trying to bring your conversations and interactions to a sexual place, even despite your best efforts to try and get him to develop a deeper relationship with you, it may be time to re-evaluate what his motives may be (see the previous section. I know some of you skipped it because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear) and have an honest conversation with yourself about if you are ultimately getting what you want… or would it be settling for less than you deserve?
For a lot of you, considering whether or not your ex is the right person to get back together with is exactly what you need to do next. If that is the case, you know who you are and you should definitely watch this interview Chris did with Marni Battista.
Where Power Lies – The Body
If you’ve read any of my previous articles on the site, you’ll know that I’m basically obsessed with the idea of power dynamics in relationships, and in quests to get your ex back, in particular. I consider it a game, and a game I have always been good at playing.
You’ll also know that as a woman, I consider our biggest asset in this power play to be ourselves – our body.
Women are considered the gatekeepers to sex. They say if it’s happening, when it’s happening, and how it’s happening. This is sometimes an unfair assumption, but I would say that eight times out of ten, it proves true.
Your power lies in not giving up sex to your ex – especially if he is in a new relationship. Who knows what the underlying issues are in his relationship? Maybe the sex life is suffering. If that is the case, you can use this to your advantage by sneakily teasing him and showing what he’s missing. It is important that this teasing is not overt – remember, the focus should overall be on developing an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you.
So my overall advice for using your sexuality as power would be to subtly let him know what he is missing, but don’t let him just focus on the sex. Remind you have other worthy qualities to bring to the table, too, and that is why he should want to be in a relationship with you.
If your ex boyfriend is in a new relationship but still staying in touch with you hoping you will fulfill his sexual desires, he has some things he needs to figure out. He needs to figure out what he wants, and honestly, there isn’t much you can do to speed up that process.
Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Willow: It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Phases”
He has to come to his decisions on his own – all you can do is show him what he is missing out on. You should set boundaries and begin a No Contact period to show him that you mean business. You should then employ the Being There method and do what you can to get him to open up to you emotionally and make the other woman feel threatened. From there, you should also subtly do what you can to hint at your sexuality, without teasing him outright, which will only frustrate and potentially anger him.
But again, I go back to how I began this article: If your ex is coming to you in this way, what is to say that he would not do the same exact thing to you if and when you begin a new relationship?
He needs to figure himself out, but by asking you to be physically intimate with him while he is tied to another person in a relationship, I’m afraid he has already shown his true colors.
I encourage you to think about why he might be making this request of you and try to decipher what his interior motives could be, but even more so, I encourage you to do some deep soul searching and indulge in some self care. If you take some time to yourself, you may see the situation in a less intense, emotional light, and may decide after some time that dealing with your ex boyfriend’s BS isn’t worth it anymore.
Regardless of what you decide, be sure to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Give yourself time to process, and always be true to yourself and make the decisions that will benefit you the most in the long run.
So, as usual let’s talk about your situation below in the comments.
- Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
- What your breakup was actually like
- And what you have done after your breakup and where are you in the Ex Recovery Program?
Our team will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. Together we can asses the situation and discuss what approach you should take to getting your ex back without being “the other woman” or the “sidechick.”