What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back

My Ex Has a New Girlfriend But Still Wants to Sleep With Me

I was contemplating starting this article off with “tell him to take a long walk off a short pier” and leave it at that, but that wouldn’t really be an article now, would it?

That’s basically the gist of how I feel, though. Or at least, my initial reaction to this topic.

But I hear it often enough in our Facebook Group,

“My ex is cheating on his girlfriend with me.”

“I’m still hooking up with my ex, even though he has a girlfriend.”

“Should I sleep with my ex even though he’s seeing someone else?”

I understand that you love who you love, and even if they are an awful person.  And I understand that most people who visit this site are here because they want to get their ex back. So, we’re just gonna go from there. I mean, it’s either that or get a REALLY short article that’s basically me just saying… “nope.”

So because of this, I’m going to kind of split this article into two sections: a section where I explain why maybe you should consider letting go and moving on (let’s face it, some people are just not looking out for your best interest), and then a section of what to do if you still want to get him back.

So without further ado, let’s get started.

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The Moral High Ground – The Head

Let’s face it, when you let your heart lead, you don’t always give a situation the rational thought you should. So, we are going take a little walk through the rational thought process that you most likely want so badly to skip.

Have you ever heard the phrase

“How you get them is how you lose them”?

or maybe,

“If he’ll do it FOR you, he’ll do it TO you.”

If you are in this situation, that is something I want you to think about heavily as we make our way through this section.

Let me give you an example to start us off:

When I was in my freshman year of college, I made friends with a girl – let’s call her Jenna*.

Jenna, who was also a freshman, had been dating a guy a few years older for quite some time, we’ll call him Joe*

They were seemingly very happy together. However, another first year girl – let’s call her Christina – had her eye on Joe, and the two of them began an affair before Joe ended things with Jenna without a second thought.

At first, it seemed like maybe Joe and Christina were a better match than Joe and Jenna had been – the two of them were together for years and were, again, seemingly very happy. Fast forward two years, though.

Jenna had transferred to another school and was happily in another relationship. Joe and Christina were still together. But Joe had started getting closer to another girl in his class – we’ll call her Laurie.

I’m guessing you know what happened next – Joe and Laurie began an affair, and then he unceremoniously ended things with Christina, who was completely devastated.

Though I considered Christina a friend, I couldn’t help but think,

“What did you expect? That is exactly how you got him. If he did it to someone else, he can do it to you.”

That’s the moral of this story, really. Joe was, I believe still is, a serial relationship jumper – always looking for the better opportunity, and never fully leaving a relationship until he already has one foot in his next one. I suspect that this comes from a deep place of insecurity, but that doesn’t excuse his behavior.

Keep in mind, if your ex is still calling you or texting you asking for sex even though he is in a new relationship and the two of you were to get back together, it is likely that he will turn around and do the exact same thing to you. He probably won’t think twice about it because it’s become a habit. Behaving in this way really is a testament to his character, and as you can probably guess, it is not testifying to his GOOD character.

Do you really want to begin a relationship based on cheating and lies?

That does not bode well for any future relationship that might come out of it. And both you and the other woman in question deserve better than a man who isn’t secure in himself or ready for commitment.

If your ex is asking for sex while in a new relationship, I urge you to seriously think about what that means about who he is, and why you would welcome that negativity into your life.

It may also be helpful to try and get a gauge on why he is making this request.

Ask yourself:

  • Is it that he is unhappy in his current relationship?
  • If that is the case, why won’t he just end things with her?
  • Why cheat?
  • Does he get off on the power play of having two, or more, women available to him?

Furthermore, if he does maintain a relationship with both of you, what incentive does that give him to leave her? If you make sex an option, you make yourself 100% available to him. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He gets the best of both worlds. Why on earth would he chose you when he can have both?

 

I implore you – do not sleep with your ex boyfriend….under any circumstances, especially if he is in another relationship.

Relationships are supposed to be built on friendship, trust, and respect. If you give in to having sex with your ex, you are showing him you do not respect yourself, so why in the world would he respect you? I know this advice may seem harsh, but it is so important to set healthy boundaries after a breakup. Especially if another woman is involved.

If your ex is in a new relationship and still hitting you up to hook up, I would advise that you set clear boundaries within your friendship, and do a No Contact period – either 30 or 45 days. Assuming he intends to stay with her, your best bet would be to go for an indefinite No Contact period, but I understand that making that choice is not as simple as it seems.

When your ex has a girlfriend, but still talks to you it’s tempting to keep responding when your ex does get’s a little “more than friend-like” simply because it’s exciting that he’s still talking to you. But if you actually want him back, you have to create that distance for him to miss you, which means a step back in to No Contact.

Which brings me to…

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But What if I Still Want Him Back? – The Heart

I wrote the rational and logical portion first because I didn’t want readers to read the advice about how to get back an ex who is behaving in such a way, then stop reading once I got on my soapbox about respect and character, or lack of it. So I got on my soapbox first.

So, we are going to cover the steps you should take if you are attempting to get an ex boyfriend back who is in another relationship, but still wants to continue a sexual relationship with you.

There are some of you who come to this site and ask,
“Should I sleep with my ex to get him back?”

Simpy put, the answer is no.

Sleeping with an ex after a breakup, even if he isn’t in a relationship, is close to being the LEAST effective way to get a guy back.

Getting someone back takes more finesse than just giving yourself to him on a platter.

As I mentioned in the previous section, No Contact is the first thing you should do. Show him you are not messing around and will not be his mistress while he embarks on a full fledged relationship with another woman.

Setting boundaries will be very important, and you have to be strong. I know that your feelings for him are so strong that the temptation to just jump right into his arms is very real, but you are going to have to have control of your emotions. That is necessary for every situation in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery program, but even more so here. As I mentioned, if you slip up, he’ll think he can have it all without the commitment to you. This is not what you want and will lead you to be absolutely miserable in the end. Keep your eye on the big picture.

One of my favorite responses to this situation was hearing a girl say,

“Um, I don’t even share food. What makes you think I’m okay with sharing you with another woman?”

So first thing is first – No Contact.

After the No Contact period is over, I would recommend reconnecting as a friend and then starting the being there method. Remain in his life in a position that makes the other woman nervous. Work on developing the emotional component of your relationship so that he feels safe being vulnerable. I’ve always said that if a man can be comfortable being vulnerable with you, you are in a good place to hold an important position in his heart.

While using the Being There method, I recommend keeping sex talk to a minimum – if he brought up wanting to have sex with you once, that desire will not go away. In fact, the desire will likely only become more intense, as humans we are basically wired to always want what we cannot have.

Try to keep the interactions light, and focus on emotional intimacy, rather than physical. If he pushes, do not be afraid to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. These tactics can sometimes twist your mind, but keep your eye on the prize and do not give in.

If he tends to continue trying to bring your conversations and interactions to a sexual place, even despite your best efforts to try and get him to develop a deeper relationship with you, it may be time to re-evaluate what his motives may be (see the previous section. I know some of you skipped it because it wasn’t what you wanted to hear) and have an honest conversation with yourself about if you are ultimately getting what you want… or would it be settling for less than you deserve?

For a lot of you, considering whether or not your ex is the right person to get back together with is exactly what you need to do next. If that is the case, you know who you are and you should definitely watch this interview Chris did with Marni Battista.

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Where Power Lies – The Body

If you’ve read any of my previous articles on the site, you’ll know that I’m basically obsessed with the idea of power dynamics in relationships, and in quests to get your ex back, in particular. I consider it a game, and a game I have always been good at playing.

You’ll also know that as a woman, I consider our biggest asset in this power play to be ourselves – our body.

Women are considered the gatekeepers to sex. They say if it’s happening, when it’s happening, and how it’s happening. This is sometimes an unfair assumption, but I would say that eight times out of ten, it proves true.

Your power lies in not giving up sex to your ex – especially if he is in a new relationship. Who knows what the underlying issues are in his relationship? Maybe the sex life is suffering. If that is the case, you can use this to your advantage by sneakily teasing him and showing what he’s missing. It is important that this teasing is not overt – remember, the focus should overall be on developing an emotionally intimate relationship between the two of you.

So my overall advice for using your sexuality as power would be to subtly let him know what he is missing, but don’t let him just focus on the sex. Remind you have other worthy qualities to bring to the table, too, and that is why he should want to be in a relationship with you.

Deciphering Desires

If your ex boyfriend is in a new relationship but still staying in touch with you hoping you will fulfill his sexual desires, he has some things he needs to figure out. He needs to figure out what he wants, and honestly, there isn’t much you can do to speed up that process.

Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
Willow: It doesn’t seem like a fair trade.

-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Phases”

He has to come to his decisions on his own – all you can do is show him what he is missing out on. You should set boundaries and begin a No Contact period to show him that you mean business. You should then employ the Being There method and do what you can to get him to open up to you emotionally and make the other woman feel threatened. From there, you should also subtly do what you can to hint at your sexuality, without teasing him outright, which will only frustrate and potentially anger him.

But again, I go back to how I began this article: If your ex is coming to you in this way, what is to say that he would not do the same exact thing to you if and when you begin a new relationship?

He needs to figure himself out, but by asking you to be physically intimate with him while he is tied to another person in a relationship, I’m afraid he has already shown his true colors.

I encourage you to think about why he might be making this request of you and try to decipher what his interior motives could be, but even more so, I encourage you to do some deep soul searching and indulge in some self care. If you take some time to yourself, you may see the situation in a less intense, emotional light, and may decide after some time that dealing with your ex boyfriend’s BS isn’t worth it anymore.

Regardless of what you decide, be sure to set boundaries and stand up for yourself. Give yourself time to process, and always be true to yourself and make the decisions that will benefit you the most in the long run.

So, as usual let’s talk about your situation below in the comments.

  1. Tell me what your relationship was like before the breakup
  2. What your breakup was actually like
  3. And what you have done after your breakup and where are you in the Ex Recovery Program?

Our team will help you get to the bottom on if you have a good, average or low chance of getting your ex back. Together we can asses the situation and discuss what approach you should take to getting your ex back without being “the other woman” or the “sidechick.”

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Written by EBR Teamate

EBR Team Member: Ashley

19 thoughts on “My Ex Has a New Girlfriend But Still Wants to Sleep With Me”

  1. Ana Pimenta

    November 14, 2017 at 6:17 pm

    Thank you Amor for your reply do you think I should wait for the time to heal all this anger and regret or should I unblock him and apologise

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 18, 2017 at 1:36 am

      yup, you should unblock and him, explain and then give a sincere apology.. if he accepts it but that doesn’t mention he wants to get back together, start the nc rule.. if he doesn’t accept it, start the nc rule..

  2. Georgina Hooper

    November 13, 2017 at 10:33 am

    Hi, feel a bit silly commenting but would love an outsiders perspective on my current situation.

    my ex and I were together for 4.5years, we are like chalk and cheese on most subject matters but completely in sync On sa weird deep emotional level it’s like he is my mirror.; Every now and again I’d question whether we were compatible to make it long term; he doesn’t socialise and I love to, he hates drinking and I do not, I have this existential fear ever few months that makes me want to travel and explore but am to broke/lazy to and he is quite happy sitting in front of the TV/o the computer etc. After gaining some more confidence this year after losing weight and changing jobs to one where I can have more of s work life balance I stated socialising more. In August I questioned everything about our relationship with him in quite an explosive way and knocked him for six. I really didn’t know what I wanted as I felt like my life was just passing me by and I wasn’t doing anything fulfilling. im about to turn 30 and I had a MASSIVE freak out. I then had to go to away for s few weekends and he gave me some time to work out what I wanted. I chose him, I realised that it was my new job and myself that was the root cause of the freak out not our relationship. As I was doing that he decided he didn’t want to be with me anymore as we are so incompatible and want different goals in life (though couldn’t tell me what goals he wanted and how they were different from mine) and then all of s sudden claimed he didn’t think he loved me anymore. This happened around September and we have a break but we’re still living together.. Beginning of October we said we would give it s try for a few weeks again. He said he was onboard but I got really ill so couldn’t do anything and he just wasn’t engaged in the relationship and was always on his phone. I Got angry and he disappeared back into the spare rooms. I have since found out that he met a girl from work and was talking to her during this whole process (from after my initial freak out in August NOT before) and they get along well and have things in common. He has decided he wants to be with her not me. I am still living with him ATM as I had no where to go nor did he, I’ve now finally found s place and am moving in 2 weeks. He has lied to me about her initially and when I found out he said he didn’t want to hurt my feelings- I do believe he has been finding this whole thing difficult but he still lied despite me asking if someone else was involved. I believe the plan is to move her in to the flat when I have left – she has recently been married and is leaving her husband for him because she was unhappy and he makes her happy supposedly. (I feel like I should be on a TVdrama…you just can’t write this stuff) everything is screaming rebound and that he is acting like a moron due to the hurt I caused initially.

    We have still been having sex as I can’t help myself around him and living together is extremely hard. I also can’t help but talk to him about how I am feeling etc (I know this is a breakup sin but he was my best friend for 4.5yrs and I shared everything with him and it’s hard to not) I think he still does love me, deep down, but has thrown himself into something else because I hurt him so badly and he has convinced himself we should no longer work. (He is the kind of person that is stubborn enough to not follow how he feels if his head says differently) I know there are things we need to work on – to move forward together but Am I just kidding myself?

    I’ve questioned whether I want him back because I can’t have him now, because, after all I questioned things to begin with, but truth be told- despite all of this crap that’s happened and all of the differences we have, I love him, I cant help it. Even when we argue we can make each other laugh half way through and he mirrors me perfectly, as I do him when we are on the same page… he grounds me and I push him out of his comfort zone to try more things.
    He still wants to be friends, and for me to be in his daughters life- we can still have fun and laugh together as we have over the last few weeks in between the crap- I’ve almost normalised and trivialised his new GF though it is killing me to watch him chase after her and have a ‘honeymoon’ period with her. I’m pretty sure if he focused that attention in me we could rekindle everything and start again and be happy. Is that stupid? Would it be possible?
    As you can tell; I’ve not even started the recovery programme as have only just come across it.

    Before I launch myself into a ‘get him back’ mission I thought I’d ask for your thoughts on the above….it’s a horrible mess and I’m not sure if it is redeemable.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 17, 2017 at 7:49 pm

      Hi Georgina,

      Take time for yourself first.. You’re not together anymore, aside from the fact that you’re now friends with benefits, asking for you to still be a part of his children’s life is too big of an ask.. .

  3. Ana Pimenta

    November 11, 2017 at 3:33 pm

    My boyfriend broke up with me about 2 months ago. We’ve been in an on and off relationship. He is the one who always break up and I never beg, call etc… but I’ve always accept him back. We slept together once after the break up but I found out that he took another girl for dinner just 3 days after that. So I was and I am really mad and I’ve told him what I saw, some pictures of them and then because I wanted him to feel pain I told him that I didn’t feel the same last time we were together that I was seeing someone else that I didn’t want to talk to him ever again and then I block him from all the social media. But now I feel but that I hurt him on purpose. Please help to clarify my mind and to ease this pain I’m feeling

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2017 at 1:21 am

      Hi Ana,

      I’m sorry, I’m confused. Are you asking if you did the right thing by lying to him? If that’s it, honestly no but I can’t blame you. You acted out of emotion.

  4. Katie

    November 10, 2017 at 10:13 pm

    But would it be fine of none us manages to come sooner and we see each other in 8 months? He has a lot of growing up to do, also he’s very guarded and I was a control freak at the end of our relationship so I thought maybe it would be good to give him this time…

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 13, 2017 at 12:55 am

      it’s not a guarantee.. You have to prepare yourself if you don’t get him because you can’t control other people.. That’s what standards are for because people rarely change.

  5. Kaye

    November 9, 2017 at 10:38 am

    I’ve been dating this guy starting April. He said that he just went out of a relationship and he left the girl because she’s too toxic and he felt too confined with her. On the first day of August while we were eating I said something that he said has offended him. He didn’t talk to me for a month. he ignored my messages so I had to apologize to him in person so by the end of August he took me back. We went back to normal until one day last October I received a call from a girl I don’t know and she claims to be the girlfriend of the guy I’m dating. She said that they’ve been together for 4 years already. But Last March they broke up and only got back together in the middle of August (the time when we were not talking because of the fight). So it means that me and that guy continued dating from September to October, he was already taken but he never once mentioned to me so I assumed that he was single. I feel so awful because I became a mistress but I didn’t even know that girl existed because they are in a LDR. I feel bad for being lied to and for becoming a third party but I still want him back. I don’t know what to do because I am a disadvantage. The girl I’m competing to has been with this guy for 4 years while I only dated him for a few months. Our relationship was pretty good. We go to the same university and we always hang out and talk. Now I’m in a NC for 21 days already. I don’t know what to do next. Help please. Thanks

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2017 at 8:38 pm

  6. Kaye

    November 9, 2017 at 9:50 am

    We’ve been dating for 4 months. From April to July. Then had a huge fight so the whole month of August when we werent talking. I told him somwthing that he said hurt his ego that’s why the fight was my fault. When we started dating he just went out of a relationship and he left the girl because he said that she’s too toxic and he felt too confined. I did everything to apologize to him so by the end of August he took me back and we dated again until middle of October. One night I just received a call from a girl claiming that the guy I’m dating is her boyfriend and they’re together for 4 years already. She said they just broke up last March but then got back together again in the middle of August ( the time when we were not talking because of the fight). I felt like I became a mistress because I continued dating a guy who was already taken and he never mentioned to me that he got back toget her with his long term gf (btw they’re LDR). I am so devastated and I feel lied to because of what he did to me. I never wanted to be a third party. I didn’t even know that gf existed. I went into NC and it’s been 21 days. I know I should feel this but I still want him back. Our relax was pretty good because we go to the same university, we always hang out and talk. He also introduced me to his friends. I am happy when I’m with him. He’s like my safe haven. I know I should not want him back but I do. Even after everything he did to me. But I don’t know what to do. Can I compete with a girl who knows him for 4 years already? While I’m just the “new” girl. Help me please. Thanks a lot

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2017 at 8:36 pm

  7. Tiffany

    November 9, 2017 at 7:40 am

    We’ve been dating for 4 months. From April to August. When we started dating he just went out of a relationship and he left the girl because he said she was too toxic and he felt so confined. But when the first day of August came we had a huge fight and it was my fault so we didn’t talk for a whole month. I did everything to apologize to him and he took me back by the end of the month. September came and we were just like before until October. But then I received a phone call from his supposed gf of 4 years. I learned from her that she and the guy I’ve been dating broke up late March but got back together middle of August (the time that we weren’t okay). So I realized that I became a mistress because he was already taken but we were still dating from September to October. He never even mentioned that he got back with his long term gf (btw they are LDR). I felt so devastated I went NC with him for 21 days but I still want him back. I don’t know what to do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2017 at 8:35 pm

  8. Ashley

    November 9, 2017 at 7:07 am

    Hi..my boyfriend left me for cheating on him..he made it clear he doesn’t want me back but i do want him back..i have begged..i have been desperate and now i am blocked everywhere..i know its messed up beyond repair but i still want him back..i am not sure about him but he told me he has a girl..he would abuse me..call me a slut and threaten me if i continue disturbing him he would beat me..he hurt me with his harsh words and he would do it more wen he says how he would even give his ex a chance and not give me..he is angry at me because i cheated with his friend and he had given me 2 more chances before..so wen he made it clear we are over for good i tried other options and i started sexting another one of his friend again who happens to have a girlfriend and they are all friends with my ex..my ex knows i can’t change and its hard proving him wrong coz its beyond messed up..he will never trust me..he would lie to me but i know its because he hates me..from cheating thrice..and he tried giving me a chance at some point then it didn’t work out..he broke up with me again for not giving him time with his friends then we kinda stopped contacting each other but then he contacted me first..so after finding out i was sexting his friend he never texted me at all..i reached out and he was friendly until i told him i loved him still..it was better but it bacame worse and now i am blocked everywhere and he doesn’t want anything to do with me…i am currently doing no contact even though i know he will never love me like i do..what do i do..i am gonna do 3 months but i know he will never contact me..i was crazy enough to contact his other ex and i am jealous of her and every girl around him..all his friends hate me too and i feel unworthy..i av just done 12 days no contact but how can i even prove to him that i am sorry?please help me..

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 12, 2017 at 8:34 pm

      Hi Ashley,

      We don’t advise going back to an abusive relationship.. You need to get a therapist to help you move on.

  9. annie

    November 8, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    It was tough, communication problems, he was distant so was I. I got fed up so started hanging with other ppl we more than him but we always have a sexual connection. The break up was bad we was arguing and he jus ended it even told me be was seeing someone else then denies it after to say he did it for me to leave him along. I started the no contact but I never finish it it was too hard

  10. Katie

    November 6, 2017 at 10:27 pm

    Me and my ex were in a long distance relationship. Now I have 2 days of NC left (yay me!) and I am suppossed to text him. The thing is, I know that the main goal is to get him to meet me in person, and that according to your guide on LDR, I should be the one visiting him. The trouble is, I will be able to visit him not sooner than 8 months from now (in June or even July) because of my new job requirements and also the fact that visiting the country he lives in costs a fortune for me. And so, I have the following questions:
    1. Do you think, my dear EBR team, that I will be able to keep him interested for that long via just texting and Skype calls?
    2. Does it lower my chances?
    3. Should I do sth extra to maintain that attraction?
    4. Should I have a concrete texting pattern, like getting us to text all day everyday like we used to when we were in a relationship or should I hold him at arm’s lenght?
    5. I am also afraid to fall into the friendzone situation if we keep being apart for that long! How can I avoid that and still remain the “prize” in his eyes?
    I have no idea how to accomplish it and get him back! It seems impossible in my situation! Please help me!

    1. EBR Team Member: Amor

      November 8, 2017 at 5:37 pm

      Hi Katie,

      If you can’t go there, then maybe he will go to your place if you can build enough rapport and attraction.. You built so much that it made him want to see you.. don’t overthink. Adjust what you need to adjust in building rapport at that time when you’re building building it. Just remember that attraction means desire, desire is from mystery and interest.. There’s no mystery if you’re always available and no interest if you don’t put yourself first. Just do you. If it doesn’t work out while you’re focused in improving yourself and loving yourself, then that means he’s not fit for you..

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