One of the scariest things for my readers is the thought that their ex-boyfriend might meet someone new. For some of you that may have already happened and now you want to know how you can go about winning him back before it’s too late.

There are four different scenarios you might be dealing with when there is another woman on the scene.

  1. Your ex-boyfriend left you for someone new.
  2. Your ex-boyfriend returned to someone from their past.
  3. Your ex-boyfriend started dating soon after the breakup.
  4. Your ex-boyfriend was single a while before he started dating.

Having another woman on the scene limits the techniques you can use to get your ex-boyfriend back, however there are still a couple of excellent methods you can still use to your advantage.

Whether your ex cheated on you, is in a rebound relationship or is looks like he might genuinely be moving on with someone new the approaches to win him back are the same but your chances of winning your ex back will vary.

To help you get him back this article is going to discuss: –

  • Your chances of winning your ex back.
  • The Being There method.
  • Stealing her Shine.
  • Moving on without moving on.

Ok, so first things first……

If your ex is dating someone new the number one thing you can do at this point is to remain calm.

I know it can seem like the end of the world but your situation can be fixed if you remain calm and follow the advice in this article.

Your Chances Of Winning Your Ex Back If They Are With Someone Else

It’s probably best if I break this down into the four different scenarios in which your ex-boyfriend might have met someone new.

Your ex left you for someone else

This situation is certainly the most painful to have to go through because it involves cheating and I am sorry that you experienced that. As you are reading this article I am assuming that you would still like to get back together with your ex-boyfriend if you can, so I will discuss the most common reasons an ex-boyfriend will cheat.

This situation usually occurs due to the following reasons: –

  • He was bored in the relationship
  • Temptation
  • He has got away with it in the past
  • He wasn’t having his needs met
  • Neediness or controlling behaviour
  • He didn’t feel respected in the relationship

Your chances of winning your ex back in this circumstance are about average.

When an ex-boyfriend leaves a relationship for another woman the excitement of the secret affair quickly wears off and then he will start to miss you.

Your ex left you to return to someone from the past

This situation generally occurs when you were your ex-boyfriend’s rebound relationship or perhaps you were the other woman.

If you are unsure if you were in a rebound relationship with your ex-boyfriend a good indicator is if you started dating him within a couple of months of his previous breakup.

The reasons your ex left you can include: –

  • The honeymoon period with you had ended
  • He missed his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend
  • He was not looking for a serious relationship

I am afraid the chances of getting your ex-boyfriend back if you were a rebound or the other woman are low.

I would flag up that an ex-boyfriend may often reappear looking for a casual relationship however you should navigate these waters carefully to ensure you do not fall into a friends with benefits situation.

Your ex-boyfriend started to date soon after the breakup

If your ex-boyfriend broke up with you and has started to see someone within 2 months of your breakup then the likelihood is that this is a rebound relationship.

There are no guarantees that it is a rebound as his ability to get over your and moved on is based largely on how long you were together; however assuming you were in a relationship over three months, then it is likely to be a rebound as we know it takes around 60 days on average to move on after a breakup.

If your ex-boyfriend is in a rebound relationship then this is likely to be a way to: –

  • Distract himself from feeling lonely
  • Validate his ego after the breakup
  • Exercise his freedom again
  • Disguise the pain of the breakup
  • Make you jealous

If your ex-boyfriend is in a rebound relationship then your chances of getting him back after the rebound ends are good.

It is often the case that an ex-boyfriend has a rebound relationship and realizes that the new girl can’t match up to you and the relationship breaks down once the honeymoon period is over.

Your ex-boyfriend was single a while but is now dating

This final category covers those of you whose breakups happened several months ago. If you and your ex have been broken up for more than three months and he has now started dating then this may not be a rebound relationship.

There are exceptions to this, for example, if you have been married for several years, but generally speaking for a normal boyfriend/girlfriend breakup a person can feel stable enough to move on after about two to three months of being single. If this sounds like the situation with your ex-boyfriend then it is possible that this new woman could become his next real lasting relationship.

There is a silver lining in that even if it is not a rebound there is a good chance that this relationship will not last forever. Statistics show that the average male will date 9 women in his lifetime, some men will date more, some less but the majority will date 9 women.

Why is that significant?

Well, assuming all relationships are equal, then that means that this one only has an 11% chance of ending in marriage!

That seems shockingly low right?

OK, so we have established his new girlfriend might not last, but what are you chances of getting him back?

Well actually they aren’t as bad as you might think. Ex-boyfriends inevitably reappear in about 50% of cases but sometimes this can take months or even years to happen if they are dating someone new, so it’s worthwhile saying you should never put your life on hold waiting.

Now we have covered the different scenarios of an ex-boyfriend dating someone else, I am going to move on to discuss the three things you should do going forward.

The Being There Method

Whilst your ex-boyfriend is dating someone else I want you to practice something called the Being There method.

In the Being There method the aim is not to proactively try to break-up your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend but simply remain present in his life like a haunting from a friendly ghost!

Remaining present in your ex-boyfriend’s life will make it harder for him to get over you as you as he will be constantly reminded of how great you are, which will prevent him from wanting to fully commit mentally to the new girlfriend.

If you apply the Being There method his new girl will go insane with jealousy and insecurity due to the fact that you are in regular contact with him and this will eventually lead to a breakup.

When you apply the “Being There” method you are going to make sure you are always present in your ex-boyfriend’s life undertaking kind acts and gestures.

This can be anything from texting over old jokes you shared together to reminding him of important dates like his mum’s birthday.
Hangouts would be things that were relatively innocent like a trip to the shops or a coffee hangout during the day.

You might even occasionally comment on his social media status or like some pictures…. Just don’t get too carried away!

Try to avoid being flirtatious with your ex as this oversteps the boundaries of appropriateness and will give the new woman good reason to demand he cut off all contact with you, which will limit your ability to influence your ex-boyfriend.

By always remaining angelic, you provide your ex-boyfriend with a perfect reason to rebel against the controlling behavior of his new girlfriend, this will actually help to accelerate their breakup, the relationship will effectively run its course and eventually burn out.

Whilst you are using the Being There method you will find it tempting to flirt with your ex and overstep those boundaries but it is really important you try to avoid that as although it will cause a breakup, it will also cause your ex to resent you for causing that breakup which will damage your chances of winning him back and keeping him, so remember nothing inappropriate until they end it.

Another key concept to mention is that of Mud-Slinging.

So what is Mud-Slinging? 
This is where you end up arguing with his new girlfriend or speaking badly about her and spreading gossip.

It is crucial that when you are talking to or spending time with your ex-boyfriend, that you do not get caught up in trying to insult his current girlfriend as this will be a huge turn-off.

Your ex-boyfriend will side with each ever girl presents the least amount of drama so mud-slinging will not work in your favor.

If you are complaining about his new girlfriend you will strengthen the bond between them and they will have a common fight against you! However if you let her complain about you, then you can play the innocent party and win his favor!

It is quite common that during the mud-slinging period that your ex-boyfriend will tell you, that his new girlfriend dislikes you or does not like him talking to you. If this happens the best thing you can say is: –

“Really? I don’t know why she feels that way, I have no problem with her. It is not like we are doing anything wrong.”

When you respond like this rather than trying to fight back against her, you will always look like the kind, reasonable party and she will look like the crazy controlling girlfriend in your ex-boyfriend’s eyes.

Responding with grace and dignity is a great way to demonstrate to your ex that you are a high value woman.

Be prepared to gracefully bat away all oncoming insults and slights that may come your way; it is very common for the new woman to undertake considerable research about you and it is surprising how much information a person can discover online or through mutual connections about your life, so be ready to deflect anything that might come up!

Do you see how this approach is going to work now?

You are going to allow her insecurities to shake their relationship on its own. You are going to be friendly, sweet and innocent, and patiently wait to see if they breakup.

Steal her Shine

The Steal her Shine method is something I came up with based upon a psychological principle called the Decoy Effect.

The Decoy Effect is a phenomenon that exists when people are given two similar options to choose from. What happens is they struggle to make a decision until a third slightly better option is introduced.

For example

One day you go to the cinema to watch a movie

You are getting food and drinks and you can’t decide if you want a medium bucket of popcorn or a small Pepsi because you aren’t that hungry. If you were going to get them both, that would cost $9.00 but you think that is too expensive.

When you get to the front of the line, the sales person says that you can get large everything for $10.00.

Your brain thinks, “I only wanted medium but I get a whole lot more for only one dollar….. that seems like a bargain!”

So you pay $10.00 and get the large popcorn and large Pepsi, even though its more food than you can finish and more money than you were prepared to spend, yet you feel like you got a great bargain!

Ok, so that is all very interesting but how exactly do we use it to get your ex-boyfriend back?

Well right now, your ex-boyfriend would struggle to decide which girl he likes the best as you both have similar amount of pro’s and con’s.
 You and your ex have a lot of history together but then this other woman is exciting because their relationship is shiny and new.

But if you give him a third option where he gets the best of both worlds you can win him back.

So how do you do this?

Easy you offer more value than you did when you were dating!

  • Keep being the girl he liked
  • Improve the aspects he didn’t like to become the Ungettable Girl
  • Steal her shine

I want you to steal her shine by presenting yourself as a brand-new woman. If you do this you will also be offering your ex-boyfriend a shiny new relationship. Just like the one he has with her and in doing so you will be offering more value…. Even though getting back together with you would be more difficult than staying in a relationship with her.

By offering more value, you become the popcorn deal!

The next thing you should do is listen to the information your ex is giving you about her, use that data to your advantage.

When you are applying the Being There method you have the perfect opportunity to learn from her positive features and much as her negative features.

For example

Your ex tells you that his new girlfriend keeps trying to change him.
-

  • You avoid trying to get him to change because you have learnt that he hates it

Your ex tells you he loves that they go hiking together
-

  • You post pictures of yourself hiking up a mountain with friends

By combining the old you with the new you, and by learning from the information you are receiving from him you will be giving him the best of both worlds!

Moving On Without Moving On

This is the final topic I want to cover in this article and I think it’s crucial that we do.

When your ex-boyfriend is dating someone new, I want you to start going out on dates and this is for two reasons: –

  1. Show him he is missing out
  2. You should not put your life on hold

When you start going on dates, your ex-boyfriend is going to feel a bit jealous and also feel he is missing out on the new improved you. Dating also indicates to him, that if he doesn’t make a move soon, he could lose you forever!

It is just like when a store has a flash sale, when an item is sat there on display you think “I can buy that anytime” however when the salesman tells you that the item is available on offer for a limited time only, suddenly it becomes more desirable as there is a sense of urgency to buy it before it runs out!
This is exactly the same approach you take with your ex-boyfriend.

By dating other people, you are showing him that you are only available for a limited time before someone else snaps you up.

The other reason I want you to go out on dates is so you have a plan B, because although the chances of your ex’s new relationship ending in marriage are low, they do still exist and so you need to keep moving forward with your own life and keeping your options open.

If your ex-boyfriend is in a new relationship it could be quite a long time before he becomes single again.

Studies have shown that if a relationship lasts for beyond three months then the likelihood is that the relationship will last for four years so you could be in for a long wait. For that reason, if your ex-boyfriend has been dating someone for three months or more I recommend that you also practice the moving on without moving on method to protect yourself.

Should your ex-boyfriend be in a relationship with a new woman, it is perfectly fine to want to keep the door open and remain in contact in-case they break up but in the meantime, you should continue enjoying life and living it to its fullest.

To summarize what we have talked about in this article,

We have covered the four different scenarios where your ex might be dating someone else along with your chances of getting your ex back.

We have talked about the Being There method and how a breakup can happen just by you being present and friendly in his life.

I have taught you about how being the Ungettable Girl and how stealing her shine will help to win him back. Lastly, we talked about always keeping your options open and moving forward with your life by practicing the moving on without moving on approach.

188 thoughts on “How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else”

  1. Avatar

    Wise actions

    November 13, 2019 at 12:50 pm

    Hi,
    My boyfriend of 5 yrs split up and it’s been 3 months. He builted a bond with her for 7 months while we were together. The problem is thst they do all thrir music project together. If I began to dk his kind of music it would be too obvious that I am trying. They both broke up with their bf/gf. He broke up to went living with her. It’s been 3 months… they do all their music (3 bands), sport ( that we use to do), and party until 3 am 1 night on 2 together. I don’t how to compete with that… I can be there but I feel she is filling every hole in his life… And I don’t think he w.ould stop playing with her.. lol He has a pattern if 3 yrs with his exes..Which is plenty of time to built something strong and forget about me. I am hesitating to tell him that I know he cheated on me, I know he had his reasons but he kind of broke my trust. How do you deal with wanting zo get back but still want to show that you don’t agree with that kind of behavior?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 13, 2019 at 11:03 pm

      So first you need to go into a No Contact and then work on yourself so that you are over the hurt and betrayal that your ex has caused. Cheating is hard to deal with because you give them your trust. But you do need to read about being Ungettable and the being there method. So you are prepared but you need to consider if you were to get back would you be willing to forgive and forget what he has done with this girl, and know he will still be in contact with her for the music work that he does?

  2. Avatar

    Alic

    October 27, 2019 at 10:00 pm

    So me and my partner was together for 5years,I have two children from previous 4&9. I’m currently 8months pregnant with his first child that was very much planned he left a month ago out the blue, said he didn’t love me anymore and up and left totally didn’t see it coming I thought we was happy we recently moved into a new house together all excited about the baby everything g was good and happy in my eyes..only to realise day after he left he was txting my best friends sister who I also considered to be a friend, she knew about us aswell. He’s left for her basically.hes barely contacted me at all since he left a month ago but wants to be in baby’s life.. iv hardly contacted him either and doing the NCR in hope he will see sense is it rebound or?? He seems happy with her walking about all happy she also has a 1yr old herself. Apperntly theyeve always had a crush on eachother.. is there any way back?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 30, 2019 at 7:08 pm

      Hi Alic, so I would see this more as an emotional affair before he left you. So it is more up to you if you want him back or not. You need to do a limited NC where you only keep in touch about baby and access to the little one when they arrive. You need to read about the being there method and work out what has happened in the relationship to make him feel the need to cheat. Read some cheating articles on this website and also visit Chris’ Youtube channel itll help you understand his decisions a little more if you can work out why hes walked away from you and your family

  3. Avatar

    Charissa

    October 23, 2019 at 3:07 am

    Hi Shaunna,

    Thanks for the advice 🙂 I’ve had to restart NC this week bc I wasn’t able to deal with not hearing from him so I reached out. I hope I stick to it this time. Was toying with the idea of limited no contact, but since I am still emotional (ups and downs), maybe NC would be better.

    Regards
    Charissa

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 24, 2019 at 8:54 pm

      100% No Contact your situation doesn’t require limited because your emotional stick to NOTHING and let him miss you

  4. Avatar

    Charissa

    October 18, 2019 at 2:32 am

    Hi Shaunna,
    Unfortunately I tried NC and broke it last week when he texted me and called me.

    After the call over the weekend, I tried to reinitiate NC but could not deal with not hearing from him (previously, he had always been the one reaching out). And he asked to video call this weekend to show me his new apartment.

    How long should I go for NC before reaching out to him again? Will that give him enough time to forget that i’ve behaved so suffocatingly before..?
    Will disappearing during NC give him a chance to connect even more with the other girl? (Sry for the many qns!)

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 20, 2019 at 8:51 am

      Hey Charissa, so you’ve spoken this weekend you need to give him 30 days NC hes not going to forget you but it is going to give him some space from the pressure. He isnt going to stop getting close to the new girl at the beginning you need the “newness” to pass which does usually happen after 30 days. Read some articles that apply to your situation and it will help you understand what you need to do

  5. Avatar

    Charissa

    October 15, 2019 at 1:35 am

    Hi, I’m not sure if my comment managed to get sent through so just trying once more.

    I met a guy in my home country last year (June 2018) when he was on an exchange programme. He returned to his home country of Europe in Sept 2018 to work. We continued texting almost daily, but it was more friendly in nature. He invited me to spend Christmas & New Year with him and when I agreed , as I had never been to Europe, he got really excited and took annual leave so that he could spend the 11 days with me, going around. We were really happy.

    When I returned back to my home country (Asia, aka 12,000km apart) after the 11 days, in January 2019, he seemed to get more emotionally attached and clingy, in a good way. We continued texting everyday, but the texts grew more intimate and caring, he was very accountable, he would share with me all aspects of his day, and ask about mine. Then he started to ask to call – so we would call every weekend to chat on the phone for an hour or more. It went on January, February. But we never talked about whether we were dating long distance. I was just enjoying having his attention and care.

    Then in February, i decided to go on a 3-month backpacking trip to Europe to WWOOF , a programme where you work on farms voluntarily. When i told him abt it, he was even more excited, and he asked if I was going to Italy (where he lives). and I said yes. But the trip was for myself, I did not want him to think I was going there only because he was there. I had fallen in love with Europe during my trip in December last year. ANyway, he got even more excited and sweet. When I arrived in Europe and he fetched me to his place, he said he really missed me etc and was surprising me with chocolates. I spent Easter weekend with his family. I was never able to spend much time with him because I was always moving around place to place, but he would make detours and make plans for us to meet. for eg, he visited me on one of the farms that I had been staying at. The last leg of my trip, i spent 3 weeks living with him, but we had some crazy fights when I got insecure about very small issues.

    I returned to my country in mid-July this year. Before I came home I asked about our status and he said he did not want to commit in a long distance rship because he is not sure how it will end – will we move to be with each other? I said that I did not mind moving because I am keen to find work abroad. But he did not want me to move JUST BECAUSE of him, he said. anyway, he was still emotionally attached, it seems – he wld ask why i did not text him good morning, he would still ask to call every other day..

    However in August, somehow, I got extremely insecure and I would pick fights if I felt he was not showing me the level of attention he used to , even tho i knew he was very busy working on work projects and settling his new apartment. as the fights intensified, he was still “chasing” – in the sense still calling, but the texting seemed to take a different turn. He would text much less throughout the day and it felt one-sided, he didn’t seem as engaged at all, and shared much less – you can just feel it.

    When I asked him abt it, he wld always say that it’s nothing I’ve done, and that he was just busy/too much on his mind. And I tried to believe that but deep down I felt I had pushed him away, because several occasions when we fought, he said he felt controlled (esp when I ask why he was not texting me). Last week, he called as . usual, BUT this time, he said he started seeing someone a week ago, and I was stunned. I texted alot of hurt messages asking if I ever meant anything to him. He insisted he wanted to call and text the way we have done before, but he was also defensive in saying he had alr told me he cld not commit to a long distance rship.

    After a day of texting him hurt msgs, I stopped. Then he texted asking how my day was – i ignored it. A day later, he texted a photo of what he was doing at work (special lunch with his colleagues) and i replied out of curiosity for the photo. and then he responded and asked about a photo I had posted but I took my time and only replied the next day , and he proceeded to tell me about the last touches he was making for his new apartment. A day ago , on Sunday, he finally finished refurnishing his apartment and he sent me a video, and then called me to ask me if i liked it etc. But we were not able to talk for long. It’s since been 1.5 days, I have not texted after the call and neither has he.

    At this point I dont know what I should do. Is all hope lost because he says he does not want a long distance and he has another girl now..? 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 7:10 pm

      Hi Charissa, so your best chance is to get yourself into a NC and working on becoming Ungettable Girl and then planning your first reach out that needs to be a hook type text abut his interests. You also need to read the being there method because of the new girl. Good luck 🙂

  6. Avatar

    Judith

    October 11, 2019 at 9:57 pm

    Hi Shaunna, thank you for your interesting perspective. I can see what you mean about how he might not reach out himself… I will have a think about whether to contact him or not. As I recently blocked him, I won’t right away as I don’t want to look like a flip – flopper. But maybe I will try in a month or so. Appreciate the advice!

  7. Avatar

    Judith

    October 10, 2019 at 8:29 pm

    Hi! Thanks for your helpful website. It is 6 months since my ex and I broke up, but recently I worked out that he still looks at my Instagram page every day! According to your advice, I have been posting happy pictures with friends etc every couple of days. I also changed my account to a business account to track how I was doing. I noticed that I was getting at least one profile view every day. Then a couple of weeks ago, I accidentally saw a picture of him and his new girlfriend together, got annoyed, and impulsively blocked him on everything. At which point my profile views dropped to zero! I unblocked him a week later and my profile views went up again. So I think he must be watching me!

    I am quite surprised by this, as he left me for another woman and we have not spoken in 3 months. Also, he has recently been posting lots of happy pictures with the new woman. Saying that, some of them are a bit over the top, with lots of PDA, and seem to smack of insecurity on his part…

    I am not sure what to think about this, as I have largely moved on and had pretty much given up on getting him back. But this has me wondering. I could understand him looking at my profile once in a while, but every day…?!?

    Any thoughts how to proceed? Given that he cheated on me and left me for someone else, I am inclined not to contact him, but to wait and see if he contacts me. And in the mean time, keep on “being there” by social media!!! What do you think?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 11, 2019 at 7:33 pm

      Hi Judith, to do the being there method you need to speak with him, as his friend. The fact he is viewing your pages, even though not fully confirmed, shows you are on his mind still, so if you were to go for it with the being there method I do think you’d be able to. But its your choice, as for waiting for him to reach out that may not happen as he maybe is waiting for you because he did wrong.

  8. Avatar

    Ally

    October 10, 2019 at 1:29 am

    Hello,

    So me and my boyfriend broke up in January, he stated that he didn’t see us as compatible anymore and he stopped wanted to have sex. But he had also started going out with a co-worker at this time stating that they were just friends.

    Next few months we would see each other very frequently and at times things would still happen between us until I called him out and said you need to decide what you want, he decided nothing. I then went no contact slightly (and badly). Next few months he started dating said co-worker, then in June we started to become really close again as he was going through a really tough time and I wanted to make sure he was alright, but it turns out he had started having sex with the co-worker whilst using me as the emotional support.

    In July we then went on holiday for 8 weeks. However, I stated before day 1 that we were not having any sort of relations on holiday out of respect for there relationship and for my own sanity. He kept denying that there was a relationship, but it was evident through the amount they would phone each other, messages sent and pictures sent to each other. During the holiday it was at times flirty, we would be very close, cuddle, play with each other, but then he would also be very distant and not good. I also did not react fantastically at times as I was finding out more and more about there relationship, which lead to me pushing him away a bit.

    On return I started no contact for a week to which he got really upset and angry saying that it was unfair and that I should have told him and replied to him. Since, we have chatted a bit via text but it seems awkward and forced and we have also been out a couple of times but again it seems a bit awkward and not normal. Even he going as far as saying he forget what it was like us even being romantically together. But he also keeps asking me about my dating and if I had slept with people etc (I have).

    After the last time of going out he asked about my night out on the Saturday, then last few days the contact has been nearly non existent and his new girlfriend keeps tagging him in couply posts on Facebook.

    What should I do now as I want to try and regain some sort of spark that has been there?

    Thanks ally

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 12, 2019 at 8:24 am

      Hi Ally, so you need to do NC and a real one this time no ifs or buts, stick with a NC and stop giving him emotional support and caring. You need to date, and post subtle hints nothing too over the top. He is using you for the familiar connection and then hes getting to know the new girl too. So he is keeping his options open to you both. You need to appear that you are done waiting for him, for 30 days. Then start up a conversation with him but NOT EMOTIONAL ONES just as his friend. Read the being there method articles here. You need to appear to be the “better choice” out of you and the other woman.

  9. Avatar

    Lola

    October 9, 2019 at 10:26 pm

    Hi Shaunna,
    Thank you very much for replying to me.
    I started a “partial NC rule” since Monday and I only contact him or talk to him if I have to tell him something about the boys or if I have to ask him if he can stay with the boys during I’m out. For example, on Saturday I want to go out with my friends all night because it’s my birthday, so I had to ask him if he can stay with my boys. He said yes, so when he comes over on Saturday, he is going to find me all GORGEOUS and ready to have a wonderful night without him ;).

    Now, I’m still planning to move to Nevada next month or in December because there I can work FT and support my self and my kids. My mother in law lives there and she is supporting me and she will help me with the care of the boys so I can work FT again. She is very upset and disappointed with her son’s actions. They are not even talking to each other unless they really need to, so this situation really messed up their mother and son relationship. She just can’t believe that her son is so blind and stupid and that he is doing this. She told me: “That girl is nobody to us, she is nothing. She thinks that my son is so wonderful now but later she will realize that he is not :(. ”

    I want to WIN HIM BACK FROM HER but at the same time I want the best for my kids and I want to become who I was before him. And at the same time, I want him to see me as the strong and hard-working woman that I’m and I always was but he never saw, because he was so blind to see it.
    So do you advise me to move forward with this plan, or do you think that that will give him the total freedom to be with her permanently? After all, she will have him all for her self if we move. And I’m afraid that he will get so used to his freedom, that he will not miss me at all or even miss his kids.
    What do you think?
    Thank you.
    Lola

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 9, 2019 at 11:21 pm

      Hi Lola,
      I’m glad you have planned that for Saturday and you stick with it and be happy when you get home too. If the move alters your life positively then do it, and the fact your moving closer to his mother, and that she is on your side in this is all to your advantage. Let him have that freedom itll get boring REAL fast when he misses his kids and the family life. Especially if you’re going to be putting some distance between you and him. And handling the household and working full time yourself is going to prove his complaints wrong.

  10. Avatar

    Lola

    October 6, 2019 at 12:06 am

    Hi Chris,
    I’m in really bad shape and reading this article gives me a bit of hope but I don’t know if these strategies will work with my husband. We had been married for 12 years , almost 13 and together for 14 years.
    In June after coming back from a trip with our kids, my husband went to a work party. He never came back home that night until the next morning and I even had to call out from work because I didn’t have anyone to stay with my kids. He told me that he drank too much and that he lost track of time.
    After a day of the event, after I came back from work he called me to my room and he told me that he wanted the divorce. He told me that “he didn’t love me anymore and that he was not happy with me”, and that on the night of the party he was flirting with a bartender and that he realized that because he was married to me he couldn’t really do anything with anyone.
    We were already in trouble. We use to fight all the time because he will say that I didn’t work enough and that I didn’t make enough money because since I work and worked PT and the rest of the time I will spend my time racing my kids and taking care of the house and everything else he was the only one working full time. But I still work and I still help to pay the bills. So because he was upset he will always disrespect me, he will always leave me alone, lonely and he wouldn’t even spend any time with me, no even on my birthday or the holidays. He neglects me and I use to complain about that. So he uses to complain about money and I use to complain about a lack of love an affection. I became really depressed for years and I even lost my sex drive, which exacerbated everything.
    He wouldn’t even eat dinner with the kids and I cause he will always find an excuse to be in his spear room. But he always uses to blame everything on me. The emotional abuse and fights. Everything, even when something will break or not work he will try to blame stuff on me. But technically he did still love me and he told me that this year, even if he doesn’t remember.
    He even was afraid that I will cheat on him and he was always asking me if I was having an affair to fulfill my needs. But he will ask me this stuff when he was drunk but he also uses to dream about me cheating on him even so I never gave him any reason to make him think that I was doing that. So thinking about all this I thought that he still loved me without knowing for real.
    Anyway, so when he told me that he wanted the divorce on that day, I told him that I love him so very much with all of my heart and soul but that I would let him go because I love him. But when I decided to do that and say that, I did it because I thought that after 12 years of marriage he was just confused, maybe in a midlife crisis, and I thought that he needed time to think and to find himself and to realize that he still loved me and that maybe we could try to work on our marriage. He told me that he thought that went we married his youth was stolen but he doesn’t remember that even if he was 26 I was only 27 as well and we both were young.

    He decided to stay in our place because he could not afford to have his own place and because he wanted to have his kids close too. He was already sleeping in the spear room and he will only sleep with me when he wanted intimacy with me but on that day he technically separated me. I agreed with that, but starting on that day he started to go out every day to bars and with his work friends. He technically wanted his youth back. He would go out every single night and sometimes he will not come back home to sleep and he will tell me that he was too drunk to drive so he will crash at his friend’s house. Then after a couple of weeks, I asked him if he was already with someone but he told me that no, but that he was talking to a woman, just talking and flirting.
    When he asked me for divorce was at the end of June. After a month and a half, I asked him for a second chance. I asked him to give me a second chance and since I thought that I was always the problem since he will blame everything on me, I told him that I will change if he gives me a second chance. But he just got angry and refused to even try to give me a second chance. Then he told me to stop begging him for a second chance because he already was seen some else. And I just started to cry so he left the house.
    The next day after trying to talk about it again, he told me that the day when I asked him for a second chance he went to have sex with this OW.
    I lost it, I felt like my entire world was destroyed. I wanted to die. I really wanted just to die but I thought about my kids.
    He told me that he didn’t think about me or the kids when it happened but that he didn’t mean to happen. That it just happens!! But for what I can see and find out now, this was happening before he told me that it happens.
    He apologized the next day and he told me that he didn’t mean to hurt me and that this happened in an unexpected way. Then starting that day I knew that every time when he was not coming home or every night when he was going out, he was going to her. And I had to deal with that horrible pain, I have to see him going to her or not coming home for almost a month until my father in law called him and asked him to leave our home because he was destroying me emotionally and physically more and more. So he left the house but because he didn’t have the money to rent another place he now stays with her. He sleeps with her every night and technically lives with her, even so, all of his stuff are still here cause he doesn’t have a place to put them.
    He comes on his day off when I have to go to work in the morning so he can take care of the kids during I’m at work PT but then when I get home he will usually stay here for 1 or 2 more hrs and then he will go to her place.
    I’m 40 now. He is 39 and she is only 27… She is the same age that I was when I married him and she is turning 28 this month, the same age that I was when I gave birth to our twin boys. Our wonderful and brilliant 12 years old now.
    They work together, they know each other for a while. She lives near my house.
    Technically they were only acquaintances but I think that she already wanted him for a long time and when she knew that we broke up, even if we are still married she decided to do everything to have him. And she knows that we are still married. She knew all about me and my kids before our separation. But she decided to freely open her legs to him because she saw him weak, needy and hangry of affection. She saw him weak and she did take advantage of that and of his stupidity. His man stupidity. She didn’t care that our separation was really fresh and that maybe he was confused. She erased any chance of reconciliation. She acted fast and did it with an intention to have him. She acted fast before he could think about or marriage. She acted fast so he could not even think about me anymore.
    She saw his weakness and he fell inside his web.
    They didn’t care about me or my boys.
    And now I’m destroyed, in so much pain. I never in my life experience this kind of emotional and physical pain.
    I tried to open his eyes and tell him that he is making the mistake of his life but he is not listening as usual, and of course, he will not listen, because this horny girl is giving him all the sex that he wants and I don’t think he is thinking with his brain.
    Now because we can’t afford to leave here anymore (we live in Los Angeles) and because I can’t stand living here anymore because is too painful, because everything reminds me of him and his affair, I will move with my kids to Nevada.
    Now he is very depressed because he will have to see his kids only once a month or when he can afford to drive to us. He told me that he is very sad because our marriage is ending. They told me that he is even a mess at work and that he is always sad.
    He told me that he still loves me but that he is not in love with me to be able to be with me anymore because he thinks that we are bad together.
    After 12 YEARS of marriage and 14 years of being together, he is losing me and the boys but he is still with her. And she is probably happy cause she knows that she will not have to share him with me or the boys anymore once we move.
    And now I’m reading this because I want him back and I want him to leave her because I still think that he is just having a mid-life crisis and that he is confused and just stupid but that maybe he still in love with me without knowing. Or maybe he really loves her, but I don’t know.
    And I don’t know if these strategies will work with him but I truly love him. He is the love of my life.
    I’m open to suggestions and advice.
    Thank you for reading

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 6, 2019 at 2:53 pm

      Hey Lola, so I can sympathise with the whole kids work working life thing it is hard to do and sometimes the less inclusive partner doesn’t really see how much work it takes to keep a house running along with children and a job. The way he blames you though, that’s guilt on his part in my opinion. That hes resenting he doesn’t get the life he wanted to live. However part of being married is about partnership and sharing the load. Even if your incomes were not the same I can bet you put more hours into motherhood than he did in work.

      Because he has the other woman in the picture now and they’ve moved in so fast. That’s not going to last too long let that implode all on its own…

      Meanwhile you need to get on your feet and get yourself to an emotional position where you are strong and happy without him (HE WILL HATE THAT) and make sure that your kids are sorted too. They are actually old enough to speak to him themselves to arrange visits etc now so you can try and do a full NC apart from shared bills or an emergency with the boys. Doing this and working on being yourself again before this negativity entered your life will show him what you needed was love and support. If you can run your household and show you don’t need him this will actually prove how you don’t “need him”. Try not to talk down about the other woman, it will just look bitter. If you can try to act as if she doesn’t even exist that will be much better.

      So your plan
      Limited No Contact
      Become Ungettable
      Start Dating Casually
      Texting Phase – Being There Method

  11. Avatar

    Erin

    September 5, 2019 at 3:54 pm

    Recently my partner and baby’s father left me for a much younger girl. There is still an obvious attraction between us, he’s working away during the week but still living at home. One minute he talks about selling the house but keeps moving the goal posts. Then he’s making plans. I wish I knew where his head was at! I know he’s hurt me so much but I still don’t want to give up on us and our family. What do I do?

  12. Avatar

    lia

    August 9, 2019 at 7:42 pm

    Good afternoon Chris,
    I feel at such a loss. My boyfriend I broke up 8 months ago. To date, I’m sure why. However, he said he was going through a lot with work, his parent was very ill, and I was suffering from the effects of a bad car accident. This all became too much for him. Since the break-up we kept in irregular contact. I see his parents once a week ( as we are still friends). In the early part of this year, we started hanging out as friends. He said he still did not want to be in a relationship. But, he did try to get intimate (in April of this year). He has now been dating someone for 3 months. He said “it just happened” and he did not plan to be in a relationship.
    I am devastated. When we first met, we had an immediate and deep connection. Something I have never felt in any relationship previously.
    I’m not sure what to do form here.

  13. Avatar

    Desi

    July 28, 2019 at 4:46 pm

    Hi Chris,
    So I dated this guy for four years. We had a very nasty break up two years ago and were pretty much no contact and then low contact during that time.

    We both got dumped about three months ago—literally on the same day—by people we were dating for a while (7 months in my case; 9 in his). After our breakups we started hanging out again, going out to dinner, texting, etc. Here’s the thing: his most recent ex just came back into the picture a few weeks ago and said she wants to work things out, so now that’s what he is doing. This was a bummer because it felt as though we were working things out, mending things, and slowly exploring the possibility of getting back together. I told him as much. He said he is in love with her and not with me anymore (though he did say he loves me and always will).

    Mind you, he still texts me back and we run into each other regularly at the local watering hole but the dinners and lunches together have basically stopped, as the new gf doesn’t want me hanging around and is a bit jealous. Obviously, his time is more limited now.

    What do I do? Does the being there thing work in a case such as this? Or is NCR better in this instance? And what are the odds of him falling in love with me again/convincing him that it’s worth working through the issues we had? What does it mean when I guy says I “love you but am not in love with you anymore”? Is there a way back from that? He’s responsive, so I take that as a good sign. But I don’t want to be friend zoned permanently. Thx!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      July 28, 2019 at 4:57 pm

      I think employing the Being There method makes sense until it does not, then NCR may be the way to go

  14. Avatar

    Chris

    June 10, 2019 at 6:06 am

    My ex and I dated for seven months before he broke things off with me and it was a very traumatic breakup for the both of us, including a near-fatal suicide attempt from me. Almost instantly he started seeing someone that he was friends with throughout the relationship. Initially, he told me it wasn’t serious and that he still had feelings for me, about about a month ago, we got into a few fights and he went cold before admitting that they were official (until she maybe moves for school at the end of the year) about a week ago. He used to spend quite a bit of time with me after the breakup but now he hardly talks to me, aside from “maybe” making plans this week. Also, he lives down the street from me. Should I be there for him or do NC?

  15. Avatar

    Laura

    March 14, 2019 at 12:24 am

    I have been “casually” seeing a guy for the last 2 months, with him chasing me relentlessly for another 3 months before that, but we officially ended things last night. He had seemed obsessed with me but suddenly has completely shut me out. He ended things by saying he doesn’t want to feel any attachments or commitments and thought we were less serious (?!). This doesn’t involve another girl, I kinda think he might’ve just been spooked that he was catching feelings and chickened out. We met last night to return belongings and talk, but he just politely reiterated his desire to not be in a relationship. It wasn’t malicious, but he knows he hurt me.

    Since it wasn’t serious, the Being There method seems to be more appropriate than NC, but how do I even start that? He hasn’t initiated contact in weeks, we don’t have reason to be seeing each other very often, and I don’t want to seem desperate by suddenly asking to see him repeatedly. I doubt he will reach out to me on his own.

  16. Avatar

    Lala

    February 5, 2019 at 4:50 pm

    Hi. Please help. I’m 32 and struggling with this situation. My boyfriend and I dated for a year but also dated for 4 months 12 years ago when we were in college. He went on vacation to visit family 6000 miles away. We were having a rough patch. He meets his cousins friend, they talk and she tells him about our problems and the process of the divorce he has been going through. She also is a divorce woman with a child. Long story short, he cheated on me, kept it a secret for 2 weeks from me when he came home. I caught him texting her and we broke up. I told him I can only forgive him if he ended it and we get help. He said he doesn’t want to lose me but he can’t stop talking to her. He needs to see where this goes (she lives 6000 miles away) because she understands him and they have similar situation so I left. We didn’t talk for 3 days, met for dinner and had a heart to heart. He explained why he had to explore this 6000 miles feelings as he was once in this crossroad with his exwife but he chose his ex wife and she divorced him. So maybe he felt like it was history repeating itself? And he needed to pick the other girl for the sake of his curiousity? He says he still has feelings for me. He started crying a lot when we reminisce about the past year and our dreams we had. Anyways, to wrap it up. I still want him in my life. I know I wasn’t an angel and I was at fault for many of our rough patches but I miss him and want him back. I feel like this is just a thing he needed to get out of his system. I haven’t spoken to him in a week as I’m trying to ease my emotions and trying to do the NC but afraid that because he said he still wants me in his life that NC might make him change his mind. What should I do? And is this 6000 miles thing a fling?

  17. Avatar

    Samantha Green

    February 1, 2019 at 1:51 am

    I was dating this guy for 3 months who admit he had been seeing someone else and now he feels a “slightly stronger connection” than me and wants to focus on that relationship for now. He told me we should stay connected and down the road if things don’t work out with her, he’d want to give this a good shot in a more serious committed way but unfortunately for now timing was bad. I heard all this yesterday. What should by my next steps be to get him back to me and only me?

  18. Avatar

    Reah

    January 7, 2019 at 1:03 am

    But this he chose the kid again. Is he feeling guilty because he was caught?
    His family doesn’t like the new girl. Thay want us to get back together.

    Should I apply again the NCR? It’s been a week since we talked. But he said he loves her and afraid that in the future he’ll realize that what if the one he really loves is me. I don’t know what should I do.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 7, 2019 at 4:39 am

      Seems like that would be a good choice along with making use of a sensible ex recovery plan.

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 7, 2019 at 4:39 am

      Seems like that would be a good choice along with making use of a sensible ex recovery plan.

  19. Avatar

    Reah

    January 6, 2019 at 1:50 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex and I dated days ago. We broke up because of LDR. When he begged there’s a girl that became his safety net. He chose this girl 3 months ago. I did NCR. But, they became official a month ago. Why did he ask me to go out? The way he treated me is like when we are together. Can’t take his eyes off me. Took care of me. But he was caught, long story short. He chose the girl. Is it because he is feeling guilty or because this girl is near him. They dont need to be in LDR. BTW his new gf is 18yearsold and my ex is 27 working.

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 6, 2019 at 8:06 pm

      Hi Reah!

      Seems he has gotten better in touch with his feelings. and the NCR helped awaken that.

  20. Avatar

    Angel

    January 1, 2019 at 2:29 pm

    Hi! I’ve been contacting my ex bf once in a while. He is already dating someone else so I only send simple text openers and he always respond to my texts positively but we never really progress to conversations. Since it’s the holidays, I got gifts for everyone in his family (we were together for 9 yrs). I really have no bad intention, it’s just a simple token of gratitude to them. I mentioned it to him via text but he replied that there is no need for gifts and that he is sorry because he is not comfortable with it. How should I answer him back? I don’t really want to ruin this so I want but I’m not sure how to reply. His family already knows about it and is expecting it already. How should I go on about this? Thanks!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      January 1, 2019 at 5:29 pm

      Hi Angel!

      Just give him some time to process it, then you can bring up the topic again considering his family may be expecting gifts from you. Some guys need time to get use to certain things…run it through their mind to consider a different notion

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