How To Win Back An Ex Who Is With Someone Else

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

One of the scariest things for my readers is the thought that their ex-boyfriend might meet someone new. For some of you that may have already happened and now you want to know how you can go about winning him back before it’s too late.

There are four different scenarios you might be dealing with when there is another woman on the scene.

  1. Your ex-boyfriend left you for someone new.
  2. Your ex-boyfriend returned to someone from their past.
  3. Your ex-boyfriend started dating soon after the breakup.
  4. Your ex-boyfriend was single a while before he started dating.

Having another woman on the scene limits the techniques you can use to get your ex-boyfriend back, however there are still a couple of excellent methods you can still use to your advantage.

Whether your ex cheated on you, is in a rebound relationship or is looks like he might genuinely be moving on with someone new the approaches to win him back are the same but your chances of winning your ex back will vary.

To help you get him back this article is going to discuss: –

  • Your chances of winning your ex back.
  • The Being There method.
  • Stealing her Shine.
  • Moving on without moving on.

Ok, so first things first……

If your ex is dating someone new the number one thing you can do at this point is to remain calm.

I know it can seem like the end of the world but your situation can be fixed if you remain calm and follow the advice in this article.

Your Chances Of Winning Your Ex Back If They Are With Someone Else

It’s probably best if I break this down into the four different scenarios in which your ex-boyfriend might have met someone new.

Your ex left you for someone else

This situation is certainly the most painful to have to go through because it involves cheating and I am sorry that you experienced that. As you are reading this article I am assuming that you would still like to get back together with your ex-boyfriend if you can, so I will discuss the most common reasons an ex-boyfriend will cheat.

This situation usually occurs due to the following reasons: –

  • He was bored in the relationship
  • Temptation
  • He has got away with it in the past
  • He wasn’t having his needs met
  • Neediness or controlling behaviour
  • He didn’t feel respected in the relationship

Your chances of winning your ex back in this circumstance are about average.

When an ex-boyfriend leaves a relationship for another woman the excitement of the secret affair quickly wears off and then he will start to miss you.

Your ex left you to return to someone from the past

This situation generally occurs when you were your ex-boyfriend’s rebound relationship or perhaps you were the other woman.

If you are unsure if you were in a rebound relationship with your ex-boyfriend a good indicator is if you started dating him within a couple of months of his previous breakup.

The reasons your ex left you can include: –

  • The honeymoon period with you had ended
  • He missed his ex-wife or ex-girlfriend
  • He was not looking for a serious relationship

I am afraid the chances of getting your ex-boyfriend back if you were a rebound or the other woman are low.

I would flag up that an ex-boyfriend may often reappear looking for a casual relationship however you should navigate these waters carefully to ensure you do not fall into a friends with benefits situation.

Your ex-boyfriend started to date soon after the breakup

If your ex-boyfriend broke up with you and has started to see someone within 2 months of your breakup then the likelihood is that this is a rebound relationship.

There are no guarantees that it is a rebound as his ability to get over your and moved on is based largely on how long you were together; however assuming you were in a relationship over three months, then it is likely to be a rebound as we know it takes around 60 days on average to move on after a breakup.

If your ex-boyfriend is in a rebound relationship then this is likely to be a way to: –

  • Distract himself from feeling lonely
  • Validate his ego after the breakup
  • Exercise his freedom again
  • Disguise the pain of the breakup
  • Make you jealous

If your ex-boyfriend is in a rebound relationship then your chances of getting him back after the rebound ends are good.

It is often the case that an ex-boyfriend has a rebound relationship and realizes that the new girl can’t match up to you and the relationship breaks down once the honeymoon period is over.

Your ex-boyfriend was single a while but is now dating

This final category covers those of you whose breakups happened several months ago. If you and your ex have been broken up for more than three months and he has now started dating then this may not be a rebound relationship.

There are exceptions to this, for example, if you have been married for several years, but generally speaking for a normal boyfriend/girlfriend breakup a person can feel stable enough to move on after about two to three months of being single. If this sounds like the situation with your ex-boyfriend then it is possible that this new woman could become his next real lasting relationship.

There is a silver lining in that even if it is not a rebound there is a good chance that this relationship will not last forever. Statistics show that the average male will date 9 women in his lifetime, some men will date more, some less but the majority will date 9 women.

Why is that significant?

Well, assuming all relationships are equal, then that means that this one only has an 11% chance of ending in marriage!

That seems shockingly low right?

OK, so we have established his new girlfriend might not last, but what are you chances of getting him back?

Well actually they aren’t as bad as you might think. Ex-boyfriends inevitably reappear in about 50% of cases but sometimes this can take months or even years to happen if they are dating someone new, so it’s worthwhile saying you should never put your life on hold waiting.

Now we have covered the different scenarios of an ex-boyfriend dating someone else, I am going to move on to discuss the three things you should do going forward.

The Being There Method

Whilst your ex-boyfriend is dating someone else I want you to practice something called the Being There method.

In the Being There method the aim is not to proactively try to break-up your ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend but simply remain present in his life like a haunting from a friendly ghost!

Remaining present in your ex-boyfriend’s life will make it harder for him to get over you as you as he will be constantly reminded of how great you are, which will prevent him from wanting to fully commit mentally to the new girlfriend.

If you apply the Being There method his new girl will go insane with jealousy and insecurity due to the fact that you are in regular contact with him and this will eventually lead to a breakup.

When you apply the “Being There” method you are going to make sure you are always present in your ex-boyfriend’s life undertaking kind acts and gestures.

This can be anything from texting over old jokes you shared together to reminding him of important dates like his mum’s birthday.
Hangouts would be things that were relatively innocent like a trip to the shops or a coffee hangout during the day.

You might even occasionally comment on his social media status or like some pictures…. Just don’t get too carried away!

Try to avoid being flirtatious with your ex as this oversteps the boundaries of appropriateness and will give the new woman good reason to demand he cut off all contact with you, which will limit your ability to influence your ex-boyfriend.

By always remaining angelic, you provide your ex-boyfriend with a perfect reason to rebel against the controlling behavior of his new girlfriend, this will actually help to accelerate their breakup, the relationship will effectively run its course and eventually burn out.

Whilst you are using the Being There method you will find it tempting to flirt with your ex and overstep those boundaries but it is really important you try to avoid that as although it will cause a breakup, it will also cause your ex to resent you for causing that breakup which will damage your chances of winning him back and keeping him, so remember nothing inappropriate until they end it.

Another key concept to mention is that of Mud-Slinging.

So what is Mud-Slinging? 
This is where you end up arguing with his new girlfriend or speaking badly about her and spreading gossip.

It is crucial that when you are talking to or spending time with your ex-boyfriend, that you do not get caught up in trying to insult his current girlfriend as this will be a huge turn-off.

Your ex-boyfriend will side with each ever girl presents the least amount of drama so mud-slinging will not work in your favor.

If you are complaining about his new girlfriend you will strengthen the bond between them and they will have a common fight against you! However if you let her complain about you, then you can play the innocent party and win his favor!

It is quite common that during the mud-slinging period that your ex-boyfriend will tell you, that his new girlfriend dislikes you or does not like him talking to you. If this happens the best thing you can say is: –

“Really? I don’t know why she feels that way, I have no problem with her. It is not like we are doing anything wrong.”

When you respond like this rather than trying to fight back against her, you will always look like the kind, reasonable party and she will look like the crazy controlling girlfriend in your ex-boyfriend’s eyes.

Responding with grace and dignity is a great way to demonstrate to your ex that you are a high value woman.

Be prepared to gracefully bat away all oncoming insults and slights that may come your way; it is very common for the new woman to undertake considerable research about you and it is surprising how much information a person can discover online or through mutual connections about your life, so be ready to deflect anything that might come up!

Do you see how this approach is going to work now?

You are going to allow her insecurities to shake their relationship on its own. You are going to be friendly, sweet and innocent, and patiently wait to see if they breakup.

Steal her Shine

The Steal her Shine method is something I came up with based upon a psychological principle called the Decoy Effect.

The Decoy Effect is a phenomenon that exists when people are given two similar options to choose from. What happens is they struggle to make a decision until a third slightly better option is introduced.

For example

One day you go to the cinema to watch a movie

You are getting food and drinks and you can’t decide if you want a medium bucket of popcorn or a small Pepsi because you aren’t that hungry. If you were going to get them both, that would cost $9.00 but you think that is too expensive.

When you get to the front of the line, the sales person says that you can get large everything for $10.00.

Your brain thinks, “I only wanted medium but I get a whole lot more for only one dollar….. that seems like a bargain!”

So you pay $10.00 and get the large popcorn and large Pepsi, even though its more food than you can finish and more money than you were prepared to spend, yet you feel like you got a great bargain!

Ok, so that is all very interesting but how exactly do we use it to get your ex-boyfriend back?

Well right now, your ex-boyfriend would struggle to decide which girl he likes the best as you both have similar amount of pro’s and con’s.
 You and your ex have a lot of history together but then this other woman is exciting because their relationship is shiny and new.

But if you give him a third option where he gets the best of both worlds you can win him back.

So how do you do this?

Easy you offer more value than you did when you were dating!

  • Keep being the girl he liked
  • Improve the aspects he didn’t like to become the Ungettable Girl
  • Steal her shine

I want you to steal her shine by presenting yourself as a brand-new woman. If you do this you will also be offering your ex-boyfriend a shiny new relationship. Just like the one he has with her and in doing so you will be offering more value…. Even though getting back together with you would be more difficult than staying in a relationship with her.

By offering more value, you become the popcorn deal!

The next thing you should do is listen to the information your ex is giving you about her, use that data to your advantage.

When you are applying the Being There method you have the perfect opportunity to learn from her positive features and much as her negative features.

For example

Your ex tells you that his new girlfriend keeps trying to change him.
-

  • You avoid trying to get him to change because you have learnt that he hates it

Your ex tells you he loves that they go hiking together
-

  • You post pictures of yourself hiking up a mountain with friends

By combining the old you with the new you, and by learning from the information you are receiving from him you will be giving him the best of both worlds!

Moving On Without Moving On

This is the final topic I want to cover in this article and I think it’s crucial that we do.

When your ex-boyfriend is dating someone new, I want you to start going out on dates and this is for two reasons: –

  1. Show him he is missing out
  2. You should not put your life on hold

When you start going on dates, your ex-boyfriend is going to feel a bit jealous and also feel he is missing out on the new improved you. Dating also indicates to him, that if he doesn’t make a move soon, he could lose you forever!

It is just like when a store has a flash sale, when an item is sat there on display you think “I can buy that anytime” however when the salesman tells you that the item is available on offer for a limited time only, suddenly it becomes more desirable as there is a sense of urgency to buy it before it runs out!
This is exactly the same approach you take with your ex-boyfriend.

By dating other people, you are showing him that you are only available for a limited time before someone else snaps you up.

The other reason I want you to go out on dates is so you have a plan B, because although the chances of your ex’s new relationship ending in marriage are low, they do still exist and so you need to keep moving forward with your own life and keeping your options open.

If your ex-boyfriend is in a new relationship it could be quite a long time before he becomes single again.

Studies have shown that if a relationship lasts for beyond three months then the likelihood is that the relationship will last for four years so you could be in for a long wait. For that reason, if your ex-boyfriend has been dating someone for three months or more I recommend that you also practice the moving on without moving on method to protect yourself.

Should your ex-boyfriend be in a relationship with a new woman, it is perfectly fine to want to keep the door open and remain in contact in-case they break up but in the meantime, you should continue enjoying life and living it to its fullest.

To summarize what we have talked about in this article,

We have covered the four different scenarios where your ex might be dating someone else along with your chances of getting your ex back.

We have talked about the Being There method and how a breakup can happen just by you being present and friendly in his life.

I have taught you about how being the Ungettable Girl and how stealing her shine will help to win him back. Lastly, we talked about always keeping your options open and moving forward with your life by practicing the moving on without moving on approach.

June 21, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

With over 7 million women just like you coming to this site ever year, I’ve seen about every situation you could imagine. Most of the time, I can just ask a few questions about your situation and know in seconds the chances that you have of getting back together with him. I’ve compressed all of that wisdom into a single calculator What Are Your Chances of Getting Your ExBoyfriend Back.

Take 4 Minute QuizAnd Find Out Your Chances!

What Do You Think? (40)

  1. Jen - 0

    Jen

    Hi Chris & the Team. I was listening to your webinar last night and it was really helpful! my relationship lasted just over a year the reason for the split is i had alot of problems with my childs dad he wasnt keeping contact and therefore ruining any plans me and my ex would make so we didnt get much time together. i had alot of things happen in my life in the space of 2 months with starting a job access stopping and money problems so i went into depression and just pushed him away without realising. when i asked why we split he said that it was too much negativity and he couldnt do anything to help. we had spoken about marriage and kids (we have known each other for years are families are close) for awhile even 2 weeks before we split he was saying how much he loved me etc. basically it ended as he wanted to see me more and we could do things like at the beginning where we was always laughing. now 3weeks after we split he met someone else at a festival and now i think theyre seeing each other however she lives in london. with his work shifts and if she has a normal 9-5job i have no idea how it would even work so im guessing its rebound. were now 7weeks after breakup i tried no contact we have spoke a few times but it was regarding a bill and then he messaged asking if i was feeling better i also asked advice about jogging as ive recently started going. Anyway my question is im in a lot better place im going to have more “me” time im having a new look and started exercise and running to channel my negative energy. were meeting up next week so i can get some stuff back how do i tell from his body language and actions if there is still a spark and that there is a chance?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      honestly that’s hard to say with just one interaction especially if it’s your first time meeting again.

  2. Bridget - 0

    Bridget

    Hi Chris and Amor,

    I have a question, as I’m trying to assess the situation better. My ex and I, both 28 years old now, were on and off for 2.5 years, during which time we had all the serious talks (marriage, kids, you know the drill, and his friends were very supportive of our relationship). I ended things at the beginning of May for various reasons, but the ultimate reason being I was tired of the drama and no longer knowing where I stood in the relationship. I’m in nursing school full time and I work full time, so I don’t have time for letting arguments get in the way of my future career. I’ve been in NC ever since I ended things, though he did message me on Facebook about a month afterwards trying to meet for coffee and clear the air. (I ended up running into him at a mutual friend’s party where he tried to talk to me then, too, but I simple told him, “You’ve had 2.5 years of my life, at this point I don’t think there’s any air that needs clearing.”)

    Fast forward one month after that, and I’ve been told by this same mutual friend that he has a new girl who is the exact opposite of me in every way, and not in the good sense: she works at a bar near his apartment, parties and gets drunk frequently, apparently does recreational drugs, and is rumored to have… well, ‘gotten around’ with guys that my mutual friend knows. All of this information is apparently well-known and a lot of his friends warned him not to get involved with her; she was even crying to him on his birthday saying how she hopes he doesn’t believe the rumors about her. But they’re talking about potentially moving in together, and she met his brothers at his birthday party. These two things never occurred for us.

    My question is, why do guys regress like this? I’m guessing he’s in “party mode” and so he wants a girl that’s going to cater to that sort of lifestyle, which I definitely won’t. I just find the situation puzzling.

    Reply
  3. L - 0

    L

    Hey i need some advice, my ex started talking to another girl within days of deciding to break up and he swore she was a friend and she is quite a lot younger than him and lives hours away so i dismissef it, recently ive got more suspicious that they might be something more but im on day 10 of a 30 day no contact so i cant exactly use any ‘being there’ techniques right now, what should i do? We ended on good terms, should i lower it to a 21 day no contact? Im really scared

    Reply
  4. J - 0

    J

    Hi!
    My ex and I are in the building rapport phase since 2 weeks ago. He had a new girlfriend for 5 months. They broke up 3 days ago and he told me he is broken and wait for him to text me. What should i do? Should i be there for him and eventually get him back?
    Thanks,
    Jane

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      It depends if you improved yourself and are still active in doing it

    • J - 0

      J

      I’m trying to do that. But it gets harder everyday because of my feeling for him. Should I just get a break because i don’t want to be hurt again?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Only the brave and tough dont avoid being hurt.. So, take this as opportunity to learn being brave amd tough

    • J - 0

      J

      Thank you for your kind words. 🙂
      But.. he doesn’t respond my texts anymore because she is jealous of me and i guess he doesn’t want to hurt her even they aren’t together anymore. What should i do?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Step back and lay low for a few days

    • J - 0

      J

      Ok, so i will step back for a few days until he texts me. And if he doesn’t? Should i try text him in a week or two?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yes you’re right.. If he doesn’t, initiate

    • J - 0

      J

      He initiated, but just because he got back to her. Some days we don’t talk and some days we talk, but shortly and he keeps mentioning her. I really don’t know what am i supposed to do right now… Please help me with an advice. I care too much about him.
      Thank you for wour answers.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Keep building rapport.. It will take longer than usual because he’s in a relationship.. Follow the advice above

  5. Norah - 0

    Norah

    Dear Amor,

    I am trying the being there strategy for a while now or actually for six months..
    I should give you some background story first.
    My boyfriend broke up with me 2,5 years ago as I was going to move a couple of hours away. We were dating back then for three months and he didn’t want to become closer and closer to me as it would break his heart even more as I was going to move. It took a while to sell the house and everything; so I moved almost eight months ago and during the time between the break up and me moving away. We became closer and I really believe much closer than we were during our short relationship. During this time he actually did ask me or almost asked me back as is his girlfriend, but that we all moments where he got reminded of me going to move away or words he wasn’t meant to say out loud.

    But during my move a couple of hours away he started searching for a new girl, I guess to fill in my place in his life.. which he found and which made me upset as I needed him when I was new and lonely in my new city. After he told me about his new girlfriend I went into a 30 days of no contact, which turned out into 34 days. After the no contact I started implementing the being there strategy. He does actually never speak about his girlfriend to me; only when he started to say he would like to come over and he told me he was thinking about breaking up with her. But he never did as well as he hasn’t visited me ever since I have moved. They’re together now for I guess six months and I truly believe she isn’t just a rebound, eventhough he doesn’t tell me much about her..

    A couple of days ago I wasn’t feeling physically and emotional well and eventhough the distance between us he was there for me.; actually for the first time after I have moved. When I told him I was missing him being around; he said something like: ‘stay strong and keep fighting for what you miss, you will see it back some day’ and I told him I will. He was always saying to me (until he got his new girlfriend) that he believed in our relationship and that if two people are meant to be; they will find their way back to each other. But he’s afraid he will ruin everything between us; if it won’t work out in a long distance relationship; so he is keeping me off; ’cause of our situation if we commit and his new situation with his girlfriend. I have the feeling he is seeing me as a threat for his relationship.

    What do you think is the best for me to do?

    I would love to hear from you
    Love Norah

    Reply
  6. Brittany warner - 0

    Brittany warner

    My ex and currently work together. We dated for a year before he broke up with me. He told me he loved me but wanted to move on. He said he needed to work on himself. I was a fool and kept trying to get him back I finally stopped. Now we talked today and he told me that he still loves me and misses me a lot but he’s not ready to be with me because he’s currently with this girl who he says he’s not happy with. He told me that he wants to start over with me but feels bad about hurting her. I’m not sure what to do? Or if I still have a chance.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      What did you say when he said that to you?

  7. Annie2 - 0

    Annie2

    Hi,
    I met a few times with my ex, it was fun, and unbeat, we laughed a lot. I don’t want to be seen as needy,nor mess it up, because we have come far after months of no contact.But after the few encounters,I don’t know what to do to move a little further.I told him about a guy who tried to kiss me, and that I was not happy for it and that we cleared and ended the situation. My ex asked a lot of questions, how it happened, where and when…But I dont understand his reaction completely, and I feel like we reached a point and I can not move further with him. Should I go no contact for a few weeks?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Nope.. What do you mean by encounters? As in seeing each other in person?

    • Annie2 - 0

      Annie2

      Thanks for answering:)yes, after a few meetings,seeing him in person.He told me that with his girlfriend they fight a lot in the past 1-2months,and that he’s thinking,but I can see that he’s still holding on to that relatipnship.He told me it felt good when I hugged him once.What would be smart from me to do? (you said not no contact ) I know that our big problem was that I was too needy…

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Just continue being friendly while having your own life..being more productive in your own life and continuing your own activitied

    • Annie2 - 0

      Annie2

      Thanks,I will definitely do so! He told me we could meet in any afternoon after work,and could walk home together.(we go in the same direction)
      What could it mean if he blushed when I kissed him on the cheek? Even though he held his cheek,so it wasn’t unexpected. I can see the moments when I have an effect on him, how could I use these moments in the best way? After a memorable moment,leaving him for a few days? Thanks

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Yup you’re right.. Sometimes just one day is enough

    • Annie2 - 0

      Annie2

      Thanks 🙂 I will continue being friendly with him. Nowadays he asks a lot about a guy who I’m dating: his name, about a gift he gave me, what kind of car he has, about a trip I had with the guy. Why does he ask those? And what could I do with this to help my situation with him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Maybe he’s jealous..that’s good.. Just be casual about it and answer his questions

    • Annie2 - 0

      Annie2

      I appreciate your reply:)Now we are in a situation in which meet regularly,but in a casual way,walking home together after work and we flirt, have fun.Last time he even asked whether we will meet next week,because the previous week we avoided each other(by accident,we finished work at different times)So if he likes these hangouts, after a meeting which ended on a really high note,should I disappear for a few days or it’s better if he knows he can count on me in this?(I dont want him to be too comfortable and believe that he can take me off the shelf anytime he’d like)

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      yes and no.. Sometimes he has to be assured you will see each other at this day but variety is important for him not to be too comfortable that you’re just there. So, there has to be some days that you’re not sure what you’re plans are and to be busy on other things.

  8. Bee - 0

    Bee

    EBR

    I need some guidance here please!!!
    My boyfriend of approximately 6 months broke up with me on May 6. Since then we have had conversations, mostly arguing, but toward the last week of May our conversations were becoming more positive. We went from May 12 – May 23 without speaking. May 6 – May 12 we argued via phone and text/messenger. Between those dates I was consistently negative and kept referring back to the breakup every time we spoke. I think he was trying to make things right, at the very least trying to be friends. I kept pushing him away by wallowing in self-pity and saying things like ‘I don’t get to have anything good, that’s for other people. I should never have gotten my hopes up’, etc, etc. I don’t think I even listened to what he had to say.
    To give a little more context to the situation, my mom had just finished chemo when we got together. My dad passed from pancreatic cancer in August 2015 after mom and I cared for him at home for 6 months. His viewing was on my 40th birthday. I was demoted at work in March this year and am still working my finances back up. Add to that my Bipolar Type II diagnosis and you have a recipe for a clinically depressed, clingy, self-pitying irritable mess.
    He contacted me May 23, May 31, and June 23 via Facebook Messenger to ask how I was doing and how my work was going. He called me once on June 13, twice on June 15. I didn’t respond. He says he wants to be friends with me, but I’ve told him I can’t do that, at least not yet.
    I initiated NC on May 26, the date of the last message I sent him in which I told him I think of him more in the afternoons. He didn’t reply.
    I had my suspicions, and today confirmed via a mutual friend, that he is seeing someone, the friend thinks about 2-3 weeks. I couldn’t determine if he and the current love interest were friends before now. I did some Facebook stalking and saw that the first post of his that she ‘liked’ was April 22. She wasn’t a real presence on his page yet. On June 7 he posted that he was having a midnight snack and tagged her, along with a picture of her hand holding a sandwich. She has consistently ‘liked’ almost every post of his since June 7. I’m not sure of their exact status, because the friend said ‘seeing someone’ and both Facebook statuses are still ‘single’.
    I’ve been working on myself while I’m in NC, although it’s not possible to have much of a social life with 3 jobs! I’m determined to make it without depending on anyone else to bail me out. I am currently on day 31 and I feel so stuck and confused!
    I’m struggling with what to do here! Did I make a huge mistake by not responding to his attempts to reach me? I can’t stop thinking that he wanted to get back with me. Should I treat this as a General Breakup or proceed as if he has a new girlfriend? I don’t want to give up on this man! Please, please, please point me in the right direction before I do something hasty!!!

    I would like to add that his mother passed away in March. He is an extremely hard worker and prides himself on making his living owning his own business. Just after I lost my job and before his mom passed, we both had the flu and missed a week of work. He lost another 3-4 weeks preparing for his mom’s funeral and taking care of her estate. We were both under heavy stress and irritable with each other. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I began to recover from the breakup and looked at things from a more objective viewpoint. I’ve apologized and tried to make it right again so many times that I’m absolutely heartsick. I don’t want to be just friends but I’m afraid it might be too late for us.
    I really appreciate the advice in your columns! You helped me from humiliating myself and hurting more than I already am. I remembered my own worth for the first time in almost 2 years. I don’t need to beg! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Bee,

      Stop being desperate.. If you can’t do much because of your sched, the least you can do is not be emotional.. If you’re that emotional dont text to build rapport, you’ll just end up fighting

  9. Balerin - 0

    Balerin

    basically he had started treating me differently right i started to noticed and one day I told him off and was like you dry you treating me different you don’t tell me things anymore ect. And he told me that he just started catching feelings for someone else and long story short i was like you have a week to decide what you want take your time see what you like about her try to remember what made you like me And he picked her let me tell you that shit hurt like hell because I really have gone through stuff and I told him everything everything he was my first boyfriend I wasn’t his first girlfriend but i was the first person he had sex with he was my first too after i had gotten rape after we broke up I found out that she use to push Herself on him that she was trying too hard she knew he had me at the time too that she sat on his lap and that he didn’t tell her to get off and that just hurt i heard she does this like follow people’s boyfriend and that she’s obsessed with him and i don’t care for her it’s him that gets me mad because he actually entertained her lil game gave her his number and he would tell me it was nothing and it was surprising to me because he used to tell me the girl would stalk him that he didn’t like her but look well he broke up with me asked her out 2 days later the day we would have made 11 months and the way he said it was like oh we should just be friends you deserve the best ect. and i remember saying oh ok I respect that but it really did really hurt i saw him after that and we were good and whatever but he really hurt me I trusted him with my stuff his mom and i talk and stuff we use to go places on dates ect we bought each other so much stuff and I know it’s not material things but i put my all into that relationship and I remember giving him the only thing my dad ever gave me (I didn’t see my father often very rarely we didn’t great along very well but he was still special to me) I would write him letters make him photo albums he would sit there and talk about our future and I’ve cried so much because he was literally my first everything kiss first date first person to you know after i was raped and he just well went for her no valid reason just said he was catching feelings for her and what hurt me more is that he said he started catching feelings for her the week he told me and it’s like no I know you were catching feelings for long before that im not stupid you like her while you were having sex with me but I thought him and i were ok on good terms tills the day my dad died and im guessing he found out cause I talk to his friends and he texted me first asked how i was doing and I told him what had happened he said sorry for your loss ect. But while texting me he was telling our other friend that he thought I was talking Shit to his friends which I wasn’t because i maybe hurt but don’t have the time to be talking about someone who isn’t thinking twice about me so got upset all the anger and pain I didn’t show the day of the break up came out I remember telling him why did our friend tell me you thought i was saying crap to your friends forget you stop acting like you care and said I only said what I heard and i did care but now I don’t and i said you were the one who said we should be friends why didn’t you ask me if you thought i was saying things i proceeded to tell him what i had said that i was happy for him because if I wasn’t doing it for him im glad she is I told him he didn’t have to care it was my lost not his but that it was still nice to hear him say sorry I remember all he said was no problem I asked can we be on good terms you live 3 houses down it’s not like we won’t bump into each other it’s already awkward as it is and he didn’t even respond and I don’t know im hurt confused i miss him a lot im hurt because i put a lot into that relationship and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if he’ll ever come back or if he ever looks at all our pictures and stuff and I don’t know remembers how much i love him I don’t know im very hurt it’s been a month since he broke up with me today would have been our year but it’s their first month i saw him today but I walked the other way I don’t know why im even writing this I just need to let it out I seriously miss what we had this is someone i told everything to he’s the only one who knew about my rape everything I know I shouldn’t be hoping he comes back but sadly it’s what i want I don’t know I just thought he was the one part of me still thinks he is i still love him like crazy And recently I found out i am pregnant and I wasn’t gonna tell him because he made it pretty clear the day my father passed that he didn’t want anything to do with me but one of my colleagues ended up telling him he called me texted me and we talked about how we weren’t gonna have it but idk he sounds like he didn’t care im just trying to get him back i miss him

    Reply
  10. Jo - 0

    Jo

    Hey, thank you so much for this article – it is certainly what I need right now! Any chance you could help me out of this mess? 🙁
    I’ve been heartbroken for a whole year now over a guy I was only seeing (not in a committed relationship) for 6 months. We remain in contact via. Facebook. I really like him and as I result, have made some incredibly bad moves previously when upset, by deleting him on Facebook (3 times – twice where I re-added him straight away and he accepted straight away & once where I deleted him for 6 months and then re-added him and he accepted straight away). I’ve also sent him awfully horrible messages when he strung me along (i.e. arranging a meet up and then not replying when trying to agree on a time), to which I then later would apologize and he’d forgive me straight away and agree with me that he was really messing me about and that I deserve better, etc. I’ve tried my hardest to follow all the advice on here (I have, at times, messed up – it’s hard! But everytime I have managed to strictly follow your advice, it has most certainly worked in my favour 🙂 ). A couple of months ago I managed to arrange 2 dates with this guy, and the last one resulted in a very passionate kiss! Then I went and messed things up again and got all over dramatic and upset because I couldn’t hold it together when he took over 2 weeks to reply to me 🙁 However, I think if I had just held things together and been cool, things could have been different! Anyway now I’m moving onwards and upwards because everyday is a new blank page 🙂
    Current situation: Hadn’t spoken to each other in a few months and it was my birthday – I was, for the first time in my life, going to an exotic holiday destination with my best friend and it was going to be during my birthday too. We had a fabulous time and I ensured to put plenty of pictures up on Facebook to show off just how much fun we were indeed having hehe. The photos actually looked spectacular! I was shocked to receive a happy birthday message from him, commenting on how beautiful the place I was looked (‘Paradise’ – he put) and how he hopes I’m having a brilliant time etc. He even put 2 ‘xs’ on the end which all added to the surprise, as he hasn’t done this in a while. I replied after some time and was really calm and cool with him – being an ‘Ungettable Girl’ to the fullest 🙂 He has been liking so many of my Facebook posts, never before has he liked this many! He then suggested meeting up for a catch up! I couldn’t believe it, but then again I didn’t hear from him in a while and I got upset again – cheekily told him I knew he was ignoring me and when did he want to meet up (In retrospect I think this was a bad move, as even though it was cheeky, it was certainly not Ungettable Girl-ish!) . He suggested that week and asked when I was free. That’s when he posted up a picture of him and a new girl (clearly they are seeing each other – they look very coupley. I have also since found out that they went on holiday together and there is a whole album of pictures of them together looking lovely). I instantly freaked out and messaged him saying that I see he’s found a lovely new girl and that she looks lovely – but that maybe we shouldn’t meet if that’s the case? I regret sending this as he hasn’t replied since, I didn’t know what was going on and we haven’t met up. I then messaged him again telling him how upset I was that he couldn’t even reply to shed some light on whether or not we were meeting! He didn’t read the messages – then I sent him a ‘Sorry X’ and he read them. I was chatting to my friends crying about how upset I was that he’s with this new girl and how I’ve completely blown my chances with him 🙁 They told me to move on, forget him and to block him or at least delete him on Facebook. I so nearly did, then found this article. What would you say I should do now? Anything different in light of my particular situation, or should I just follow your advice above? 🙂

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You can try the advice above but you can’t pretend to be moving on.. that’s why Chris says to move on without fully moving on.. because if you pretend, it will show in your actions.

    • Jo - 0

      Jo

      Thank you Amor 🙂 Ok, sounds like a good plan! I’m a bit confused about this ‘trying to move on but not fully moving on’ idea. Is it just moving on, without deleting him on social media? I’ve been on other dates & been out and about meeting new people a lot since we stopped seeing each other (on my days off, I now plan to do things and I’ve been having days out with new friends & getting back into my drawings & painting, which I’d neglected when I was originally seeing the guy – I feel a lot calmer and orientated than I did straight after the break-off; friends & hobbies really do help!) and recently, which I’ve not said already, I was actually seeing someone else for 3 weeks, but then that finished, hence why I’m back to square one having all these feelings for this guy again 🙁 (I liked him much more than the new guy anyway – although the new guy really did take my mind right off him so it was good and a shame it ended really, even though it was fairly casual; probably would call it a rebound!). The annoying thing is that the guy I was seeing never let me take pictures of him; it could’ve been cool if I was able to, as I could’ve popped a few on Facebook and it would’ve shown the original guy I was moving on! I’ve just arranged another date as I’m still out dating, so fingers crossed maybe I’ll meet someone else and that will help. Is the moving on but not fully, basically moving on, but keeping in touch (i.e. reaching out every month or so & liking Facebook posts occasionally etc) but strictly as friends with your ex? xx

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Moving on without fully moving on means preparing yourself and your routines if you dont get him back.. That way, you’re making effort to build rapport but if it doesn’t work, you’ll just continue with your life and move on

  11. nor - 0

    nor

    hai chris,
    so what does this means.i do no contact first or directly go to being there method.please help i’m lost.i just broke up with my ex-bf 2 days ago.i who the one who initiate the break up because i found out he has been seeing someone else a few weeks now, in which we previously broke up and got back together.it seems he wants to keep both but i lessen his options and withdraw myself from his shenanigans.i’m already in 2 days no contact with him.please clarify what i should do next.tq

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Do the no contact rule first.

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