Today I’m gonna let you in on the one singular truth, the one singular reason why your ex moves on so quickly after your breakup (and what you can do about it).
But before I get to the nitty gritty, my best recommendation for anyone who is interested in getting an ex back is to take my Ex Recovery Chances quiz.
This is a quiz designed to tell you if you are wasting your time trying to get your ex back.
Taking the quiz is super-simple and free, and it will give you an approximate idea (as a percentage) what your chances are of getting an ex back.
But enough of that.
Let’s get down to the details so we can tackle one of the most difficult questions.
Why Does Your Ex Move On So Quickly?
The answer to this question is actually pretty easy.
But to understand this truth, we first need to understand the idea of
fight or flight
When confronted with a traumatic experience, human beings tend to react with fight or flight mechanisms. We either stand up and fight the experience, or we ‘flight’ or run away to try to escape it.
Make no mistake about it, most breakups tend to be a traumatic experience to a certain extent.
Depending on how your relationship was going before the breakup and how the breakup itself went down (and any nastiness afterwards), there will be some neutral feelings at best and downright negative at worst – anger, sadness, pain, shame, guilt…on both sides.
You can look at your ex’s behaviour and quite easily determine how they are reacting to this ‘traumatic’ experience.
You can do that by looking at their fight responses and their flight responses.
Let’s Tackle “Fight” Responses First
There are three main ‘fight’ responses that your ex may enact after a breakup
They Will Get Angry And Say Mean Things To You
- They’ll insist on taking back things you shared e.g. DVDs, household goods, books.
- They’ll bring up arguments from way back to justify the break-up.
- They’ll say extreme things like “I never want to see you again” or “I never loved you.”
- They will tell you to never speak to them again.
- They may even get friends or family to say mean things.
- They’ll make things up and accuse you of cheating, lying and so on.
They Will Do Things To Try To Make You Jealous
- They’ll look like they’re having the most fun ever on their social media feeds.
- They’ll go places and do things that you discussed doing together.
- They’ll hint that they are dating other people.
- They will get other people to tell you how well they are looking.
They Will Date Someone New And Rub It In Your Face
- They’ll seem to be super happy with this new person very quickly.
- You’ll see them all over social media.
- They’ll post more than usual, and things they wouldn’t have before e.g. couple pictures.
- They’ll be officially In A Relationship on Facebook after a few weeks of dating.
- They’ll go on trips and holidays with them.
- They’ll treat them the way you wanted to be treated.
What’s the common theme with all three of these responses? The common theme is that they are trying to find ways to hurt you, or fight you.
After all, you are the source of their pain. They are hurting because of the breakup with you. So they will say mean things to you to try to hurt your feelings, try to show you that they are really enjoying their life, and sometimes even date someone new in a further attempt to make you jealous.
But ultimately the common theme with these three responses is
it’s all about you and making you feel bad.
And it will make you feel bad. The person who used to care the most about your happiness is now actively trying to upset you.
This is so that you can share the pain that they too are actually feeling, even as they try to distract themselves with someone new or new experiences.
Try to remember that these are all emotional responses. They are often knee-jerk, heat of the moment reactions to the pain of the breakup.
Your ex has most likely not sat down and thought, right, how can I hurt her/him the most? (And if they have…they probably aren’t someone you want to waste time getting back together with.)
They are simply dealing with the breakup. Remember that fight or flight is all about instincts, and rarely about rational thinking.
Now Lets Look At The Flight Responses
There are three main ‘flight’ responses that you need to keep an eye out for.
- Your ex can ghost you,
- They can date someone new and never talk to you again,
- Or they can talk to everyone about the break-up except you
Where the fight response was all about making you hurt,
the flight response is all about making sure they aren’t hurt.
Most of the time that’s by doing things to push you away, by ghosting you for example.
A ghoster walks away from the relationship with no need to explain themselves, discuss painful issues, deal with your emotions or their own. They may or may not feel any guilt over this.
Dating someone new and never talking to you again is further pushing you away, and dealing with the pain of losing you by replacing you with someone else.
Research has suggested that this can actually be one of the best ways to ‘get over’ a breakup, but even more interestingly, that these ‘rebound’ relationships almost never stand the test of time. This is because they are not started when your ex is in a good place to choose a suitable partner…he’s still hurting over you. It’s just a distraction, and not built on the solid foundation you two had.
Your ex may also be used to being part of a couple, and liked that partnership. But trying to replace you often backfires – because they got into the relationship so hastily it isn’t likely to work out.
Some exes will talk to everyone about the breakup except you. This is simple avoidance – they don’t want to have that awkward conversation. They want to avoid those raw feelings, avoid seeing you and stirring it all up again.
This is a crude way of dealing with the breakup by pushing you away.
Other Examples Of Pushing You Away:
- Avoiding mutual hangouts.
- Cancelling plans where they know you’ll be there.
- Going to totally new places, especially with a new partner in tow.
- Changing shifts at work to avoid you.
- Refusing to talk about belongings, kids, etc.
- Blocking or deleting you.
These examples of fight and flight responses may be very similar to some of the experiences that you are going through with your ex right now.
But we still haven’t really distilled it down to that universal truth that we need to learn to understand why they move on so quickly.
The ultimate truth that we’ve learned through years of research and study is that most of the time when an ex moves on extremely quickly, the reason they do so is that
they are terrified of dealing with the emotions associated with the breakup
Oftentimes they’ll look for someone or something else to distract them so they don’t have to be in as much pain throughout the breakup process.
And that’s the why of why exes move on so fast – in reality, they’re just trying to force the process of moving on. But in the end, they will have to confront those feelings.
So you’ve looked at your ex’s post-breakup behavior and determined that they are hurting. You know that even though they’ve exhibited some of these typical fight or flight behaviours, this shows that they do still have feelings (positive and negative).
Your next question is:
What can I do about it?
Watching an ex apparently move on and disconnect from the relationship you two shared is painful, there’s no doubt about it.
The best way to get over this is to instantly implement a No Contact Rule.
You are effectively countering any ghosting behavior by ignoring it, and you are not reacting to any jealousy-inducing behaviour like them dating someone else. You are instead keeping your dignity, giving yourself and them time to recover, and working on getting your own life back.
No Contact means simply not contacting your ex – but so much more too. You don’t respond if they contact you. You also don’t look at their social media, talk about them with mutual friends or their family, or engineer bumping into them.
It’s just as important to work on yourself – the basics of eating and sleeping well, reconnecting with friends and family, working on your emotional health, and making the most of life. (All of this can of course be displayed on social media as well as in real life, so that your ex can see it.)
You keep your distance, and let them wonder how you are coping so well without them.
To learn more about the No Contact Rule, I have written a Definitive Guide. And for those of you who are super-serious about getting your ex back, there’s also the No Contact Rule Handbook, which tells you everything you could ever want to know
To learn about the full process of getting your ex back, check out Ex Boyfriend Pro, which takes you step by step through every part of the process, from No Contact through to messaging, phone calls, dates and getting back together. It covers every situation you can imagine (cheating, long distance relationships, rebound relationships etc.); it’s my flagship product and has helped thousands of people get their ex back.
If you haven’t done so already, head over to the Ex Recovery Chances Quiz. It’s free, and it only takes three minutes. You’ll get an approximate number for your chances of getting your ex back, and bonus info on what to do next.