I’ve been a member of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Private Facebook Group for a year now.
It’s crazy how time flies!
And this year being involved in the group, I have seen all sorts of situations arise.
Many women think that their plight is unique and singular. But the Ex Recovery Team has seen nearly every situation there is. And we have worked with men and women in all sorts of circumstances. In our years of dealing with these situations we have sorted them into a few key categories.
We’re going to talk about one of those very specific, and VERY common, categories today:
What to do if your ex has moved on.
Or to word it a little differently…
What to do if your ex has another woman.
Spoiler alert! Just because he is dating another woman does not mean that he has moved on.
It is one of the most common problems that gets brought up in the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Facebook Group. Our ladies wonder how their ex moved on so quickly, if it is a rebound, and what to do in this situation.
The truth is, if breaking up is hard to do, moving on might be even harder.
And men and women do this very differently and at drastically different paces.
We’ll get to the details in a bit, but I want you to hold on to the thought that it is likely that your ex isn’t as over the breakup as he appears to be. Cling to it, because it is easy to get disheartened after a breakup.
Being in this situation can leave you full of questions. Today we are going to address the following:
- Why It Seems Like Your Ex Has Moved On So Quickly
- The Difference Between Moving On And A Rebound
- How To Get Him Back If He Has Moved On
- What To Do When It Feels Like He’s Never Coming Back
Well… What are we waiting for? Let’s jump right in!
Why It Seems Like Your Ex Has Moved On So Quickly
A few years ago, I watched as a friend went through a breakup that illustrated this scenario perfectly.
For the purpose of anonymity, we’ll call her Lynn* and him Will*.
They dated for three and a half years. Seemingly out of nowhere, Will ended things, and Lynn was understandably devastated.
We spent months talking over the relationship and what could have caused this breakup out of the blue. We watched Will post sappy love posts about his new girlfriend just a month after ending things with Lynn!
When she tried to reach out to him in her moments of weaknes, something we do not recommend, he would be cold or ignore her altogether. It seemed like he had moved on in a flash, while Lynn was left alone picking up the pieces of her broken heart.
Six months later Lynn was in abetter place. She had started a new job and had even begun casually dating again.
One night at 1am, there was a knock at her door, and there was Will. He came in and they talked. He admitted how stupid and selfish he had been. He said that he had tried to push her away and move on, but that every woman he interacted with reminded him of her. No one could compare to her.
It just took him some time to realize how good he had it in their relationship together.
Lynn had to decide if she should give the relationship another shot – after all, she didn’t want to risk being hurt again. The two tentatively began dating again with renewed dedication to communication, and from what I can see on Facebook, are still happily together.
Basically a fairy tale, right?
So… why did it take Will so long to realize what he had lost?
Is it just because guys are dumb!
I’m just kidding…
But the reason DOES have to do with men not processing their emotions as healthily as women do.
The way that Lynn and Will reacted to the breakup was totally opposite.
The night of the breakup, Lynn came over to my house, and by the end of the night, my trash was filled with tissues, and all the Insomnia Cookies we had ordered were gone.
(For those of you who don’t live in this area, that is a late night cookie place. Go figure right?)
Will, on the other hand, went out immediately and started posting on facebook about how trashed he was and all the hot girls that were out partying with him.
Things went on this way for a while.
This is normal even if the roles are reversed and the girl is the dumper. Women tend to wallow in their emotions, while men go out and try to find distractions.
I don’t encourage over-wallowing, but it is an important step in recovery.
Wallowing allows you to come to terms with the reality of the situation that you are in, and to develop healthy coping mechanisms to grieve, pick yourself up, and eventually move on.
Women tend to use breakups as ammunition to become better versions of themselves… or at least the ones in EBR do!
In one of my favorite videos online, a guy who dumped his girlfriend went on a rant about how he thinks women go to “breakup camps” to recover – how they always end up looking better, feeling better, accomplishing more than ever before, while men just kind of seem stuck.
I guess Ex Boyfriend Recovery is kind of like a breakup camp! It helps us to become better versions of ourselves, and maybe win our ex back in the process.
But I digress.
Anyway. Women process the pain of the breakup right away. Then, when they’ve moved on, they tend to REALLY move on without looking back. Men, on the other hand, tend to need to find a distraction, whether or not they are in pain over the breakup, and don’t process those feelings until later down the road.
Think about Buffy in Season 5. Riley leaves her, but she distracts herself with her slayer duties, and when her friends check in on her, she doesn’t break down – she only shows the slightest bit of weakness:
Tara: Is it that bad?
Buffy: Sort of, but I’m starting to get perspective on the whole situation. You know, maybe Riley’s…where he’s supposed to be. You know, maybe he needed…to be where he was needed.
Tara: Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
Buffy: But you ever notice people only say that about bad things?
-Buffy the Vampire Slayer, “Triangle”
So if your ex has seemingly moved on, to another woman or not, just know that he hasn’t gotten over you as much as it seems he has. There is still pain, but men are socially conditioned to keep those intense feelings hidden to themselves.
The Difference Between Moving On And A Rebound
Alright, let’s get specific. Maybe your ex actually has moved on to another person.
I’m going to go back to my example of Lynn and Will.
Lynn was dismayed that Will seemingly moved on to another girl so quickly. It made her feel worthless like he had never loved her the way he had claimed.
I’m sure there are a few of you that know that feeling.
Okay, not husband… boyfriend, but you get the idea.
What made matters worse is that he and his new girlfriend, we’ll call her Liz, were ALL over each other’s social media pages. He became Facebook official with her within weeks of dating, and they were constantly posting on each other’s pages and posting pictures each and every time that they were together.
I was annoyed because I knew that seeing this was hurting Lynn. However, I encouraged her not to worry and to post about her awesome life, and to keep her snooping to a minimum.
I told her about a study that I read online a couple years ago. The study said that couples who tend to incessantly post about one another on social media are actually insecure in their relationships. Of course, it’s somewhat normal to post about your partner – they are a huge part of your life, after all. But to post gushy things on a daily basis or need prove that you are “so happy” by taking a selfie when you are out together – it SCREAMS insecurity.
Just yesterday in the Ex Boyfriend Facebook Group, a girl posted a screenshot of her ex’s Facebook page, where he had updated his “in a relationship with” status. She was so torn up, but I told her about the study quoted above. It’s also important to consider two other things in addition to the study.
She could be pushing him to post those things. This is absolutely linked to insecurity… hers or his… whichever. Men are typically okay not putting their relationship status on Facebook. Typically, if the woman asks them to post more online, they will concede. Most don’t think of it on their own or see the need for it. If they do think of it on their own they are most likely insecure or trying to make someone jealous.
Which leads me to the other reason that isn’t just “he moved on…”
Your ex could be trying to prove he’s happier without you.
Even if they seemingly hate you and are thrilled with their new girlfriend, this could be and likely is the case.
Sometimes, when regrets start to seep in, they don’t want to acknowledge that they made a mistake. As I’m sure you know… most men are stubborn creatures. So, they try to make up for it by trying to convince themselves and the world, that they are oh so very happy in their new relationship.
Will later admitted to Lynn that was exactly what he was doing.
If your ex is shouting from the rooftops how much he loves his new girl, take it with a grain of salt. The likelihood that it will last is extremely low. Insecurity is a breeding ground for disaster.
How To Get Him Back If He Has Moved On
Sometimes when I’m stuck on an article, I ask my boyfriend for his opinion, as one of our favorite things to do together is dissect interactions between people and societal norms that dictate those interactions.
Through those conversations, I’ve have realized that women are more likely to have a relationship lined up before leaving a relationship. Men are more likely to rebound right away, even if they didn’t have someone lined up before ending it.
But why do men tend to rebound?
I think a big part of it is that men are socially conditioned to look weak. Typically the only person he’s “alliowed” to be vulnerable in front of is his girlfriend. And even then he’ll probably try his best not to.
Once a relationship ends, that connection and ability to be vulnerable are gone. So, men try to very quickly try to find it in someone else.
The best way to tell if he’s in a rebound or not is time. If they’ve been seeing each other more than 6 months, then it’s probably not a rebound.
So, what do you do to combat the situation when another woman is the situation, rebound or no?
You use the Being There Method!
The Being There Method is the idea that you stay in your ex’s life, using the Ex Boyfriend Recovery steps, in what is seemingly a “friend” capacity.
Using the Being There Method, you interact with your ex as normal. I don’t mean normal like when you were his girlfriend. I mean as a friend.
He knows that nothing is going on between the two of you, but his new girlfriend doesn’t. Eventually, her insecurity will eat away at her. Since she only has him to take her frustation out on him. That will create tension within their relationship. Her insecurity will place strain on it. Insecurity is not attractive.
And since your ex knows there is nothing funny going on between the two of you, she will look crazy. The idea is that she will sabotage herself and he will leave her. This will clear the way for you to sweep in and implement the more serious and intense EBR tactics.
There are a few important things to remember about Being There.
Don’t get flirty. The whole idea of this method is based on the idea that there is nothing romantic going on between you and your ex. He knows it. You know it. Don’t be too flirty, because then he may start realizing there is some weight to his girlfriend’s accusations and that that was your plan all along.
Emotional control! Get some!
This is going to be hard to be in contact with your ex knowing he has someone else. Keep yourself centered and always think before you act so you don’t sabotage yourself. Remember, you need to be the sane one in comparison to the other woman.
Give it time. This process is tedious, and it may take some time for you to see results.
The Being There Method can be very difficult to implement but used correctly, the results can be very impressive.
I know how hopeless breakups can feel. I understand how it feels like the pain might literally kill you.
So, if you are going to try and get your ex back when he is seeing someone new, there are a few things you should take away from this article.
Emotional Control – Your ex may be flaunting his relationship for reasons unknown, but he won’t advertise if he is missing you. So, don’t jump to conclusions.
The Being There Method – You absolutely have to do your research on it before implementing it, as it is a difficult and painful path to follow. However, it is extremely effective.
I know it feels like everything is hopeless and he’s never coming back, but you would be surprised at what crazy other women success stories we have cataloged on the website. All is not lost.
We’ve produced tons of other material to help you get him back; articles, videos, and books.
In the comments below, let’s talk about your breakup. Tell me a little bit about it. What have you done since then? Our experts will use that information to help you decide what your next action should be.Then, once you have a plan, have a plan, so go and put it into action.