This is a complete guide for what to do if your ex has moved on.
So if you’re interested in learning,
- About the grass is greener syndrome
- What to do if your ex moves on to someone new
- How understanding attachment styles plays a role in your success
- And much more
Then you definitely came to the right place.
Has Your Ex Has Moved On? Here’s What To Do
If you ask people what their biggest fear is after a breakup I bet most of them will answer it’s seeing their ex with someone else.
Seeing your ex move on is rough so today we’re going to go through the psychology of what’s going through their head and the next steps for how you can effectively handle this difficult situation.
First off let’s see why your ex might break up with you and move on to someone new…
Have you ever heard of a concept called the grass is greener syndrome?
Grass is greener syndrome – this idea that an ex breaks up with you because they think they can do better than you.
Now the real question is if they can or can’t – is the grass actually greener on the other side of the fence?
Honestly, it can go either way.
Sometimes your ex will go out and find someone new who’s perfect for them.
They’ll move on quite easily and forget about you. However, that rarely happens.
Most of the time your ex will move on to someone else to check out what the grass is like on the other side. They’ll be on the rebound and might even enjoy it for a bit but eventually, they’ll realize they had it better with you.
Before getting into how your ex might come to the realization that he misses you, let’s understand the psychology behind this phenomenon…
What Is The Psychology Behind Someone Who Moves On To Someone New?
The best way to understand the psychology of people after a breakup is to notice their attachment styles.
Someone’s attachment style can tell you a LOT about their mindset and what they might do next.
Quick overview of the four main attachment styles:
- Secure attachment – The golden standard of attachment styles that everyone should strive towards. People with secure attachment styles are confident in themselves and don’t base their self-worth on others.
- Anxious attachment – Anxious attachment is characterized by a deep-seated need to be emotionally connected to someone at all times. People with anxious attachment styles often lose their individuality in relationships as it all becomes about their partner.
- Avoidant attachment – Avoidant attachment is an emotionally distant kind of attachment where individuals are most comfortable without opening up to their partners. People with avoidant attachment styles do not like deep or sentimental discussions and they fiercely value independence – for themselves and their partner as well.
- Fearful attachment – You’ve heard of the “best of both worlds” but a fearful attachment style is kind of like the worst of both worlds – a constant back and forth between anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
For our purposes, the two most relevant attachment styles are avoidant attachment and anxious attachment. This is because most of our clients trying to get their ex back have an anxious attachment style while their exes have an avoidant attachment style.
Avoidant exes, by definition, try to avoidant emotional intimacy and vulnerability as much as possible. Since a breakup is such a difficult emotional time an avoidant ex will likely move on ASAP to distract themselves so they don’t have to feel any kind of pain from the breakup.
Studying the latest research on Avoidant Attachment styles from freetoattach.com has taught us that:
Avoidants tend not to feel like they can miss you until they feel like you’ve moved on completely.
So there’s really no set time limit for an avoidant ex to miss you, it all depends on their perception of whether you have moved on or not. That’s why they can even start missing you after a few initial rebounds when their suppressed feelings of absent connection finally catch up with them.
Avoidants also tend to look exclusively at the future instead of focusing on the present conflicts they may be facing. They don’t want to deal with their feelings right now so they look to a future where they start dating others and try to move on…
Does Moving On Always Work Out For These Individuals?
I wish I had a perfect answer for you here but I don’t because this is all up for debate. All exes have different personalities and their new partners are completely different as well. So just because they’ve moved on doesn’t have to mean you’ve been replaced.
At first, you might see your ex and their new partner having the best time of their lives and you might think that they’ve found someone better than you. However, you need to remember one thing:
Don’t compare their initial honeymoon period to your long relationship with all its ups and downs.
When you move on to a new relationship there is a sense of heightened feeling where everything feels great and you’re super into each other, i.e. the honeymoon period. A lot of our clients make the mistake of thinking too short-term by being jealous of their ex’s honeymoon phase.
The goal is to have a long-term perspective.
On average, the long-term result of the grass is greener syndrome or going on a rebound is that what goes up must inevitably come down. That’s proven to be true in almost all scenarios. So your ex’s heightened feeling with their new person is eventually going to come down and that’s when things start working in your favor…
Avoidants only allow themselves to miss their ex after they’re 100% certain that there’s no chance of getting back together.
Getting into a new relationship cements that concept for them and they finally start to look back and romanticize their past relationship.
The second your ex believes they’ve “moved on”, they’ll start reminiscing about the good times with you and they will start comparing their relationship with you to their new relationship. Sure, at first the honeymoon period will weigh the scales in the favor of the new partner but eventually it will all balance out.
As your ex gears the end of their new honeymoon period, unpleasant things will start to surface which will make them miss your relationship by comparison. Your ex will probably even reach out to you again to see if their comparison is right and whether you were the right choice all along. Now, what can you do to help speed up the process and tip the scales in your favor?
The “Being There” Method
“Being there” method – It’s a period of time where you extend your no contact rule if your ex has moved on to someone else.
You work on yourself during the extended no-contact rule till you reach an ideal secure attachment style. As soon as no contact is up, you insert yourself in the middle of your ex’s new relationship and compete for their time.
Your mere presence as a strong secure attachment will be enough to make that relationship implode.
I talked about the “being there” method a few months ago on a YouTube video, an article, and an entire podcast interview with Coach Anna where we went into detailed specifics about it.
The method isn’t too hard to follow but let’s get something out of the way:
The “being there” method can be a morally gray strategy.
Some people look at this as tampering with your ex’s relationship and trying to start trouble, but we prefer not to look at it that way. Instead, we don’t tell you to break them up, we simply tell you to work on yourself, heal and outgrow your ex until you exhibit a more secure attachment style.
This is when you truly believe you’d be fine with or without your ex!
Then you simply talk to your ex. That’s all the “being there” method is. You’re not actively trying to break your ex up, you’re just banking on the fact that when your ex eventually starts to compare the current version of you with the current version of their new partner, you’ll be the clear winner because you’re so secure with yourself.
When you have the fortitude to truly believe that you’ll survive this no matter what, the new person will automatically feel anxious, worried, and insecure so their relationship will implode.
This is where the morally gray aspect of this situation comes into play. I will be the first to admit that the line between just “”being there”” and tampering with the relationship is incredibly thin. So if it’s something you’re not comfortable with, by all means, don’t go for it!
Fortunately or unfortunately, whenever someone asks me about the most effective way to handle the situation of an ex who has moved on, my answer is the “being there” method because it gets the best real-life results.
Ultimately the moral aspect of it is up to you. We do not condone trying to break them up and we definitely don’t support trying to get someone back if they’re already engaged or married! If they’ve moved on to the point of making a life-long commitment, you should definitely respect that.
But if you’re in a situation where your ex is already continually talking to you while they’re in a new relationship we’ve found that the “being there” method is the most effective approach to take.
Your ex probably moved on immediately because they were an avoidant attachment style with some serious “grass is greener” syndrome, so they believed they could do better than you.
Chances are your ex will eventually start comparing their new partner and relationship to you and what you had together.
The best way to prepare yourself for that is to work on yourself till you reach a secure attachment style. You can then use the “”being there”” method to stay in your ex’s life and let them decide who their best option is.