The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

This is what you have been waiting for right?

For what seems like a year straight every day I am asked a simple question,

“Why don’t you write about the grass is greener syndrome?”

Well, here it is.

I am finally going to be tackling the grass is greener syndrome. I want this guide to be extremely insightful so I am going to be covering a wide variety of topics,

  • I am going to teach you what the GIGS (grass is greener syndrome) is.
  • I will give you real life examples of men who have gone through this.
  • I will explain why sometimes the GIGS can work.
  • I will also dive in to how the GIGS can be a very dangerous thing.
  • Oh, and how could I forget that I am going to be applying all of this to your ex boyfriend.

Lets start by defining the GIGS.

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What Is The Grass Is Greener Syndrome?

(If you would like to learn how to get an ex boyfriend back who has GIGS please click this link.)

gigs
I have a confession to make…

The first time I heard of the grass is greener syndrome was when a reader of this site pointed it out to me. Now, as I stated above, a lot of women have been wanting this guide for a very long time and I have been putting it off because I didn’t feel I had a good understanding of what the GIGS was.

That is definitely not the case anymore as I did extensive research to make sure I knew everything there was to know.

The Grass Is Greener Syndrome- The belief that what you currently have in your life is no longer good enough or adequate. As a result, you begin to believe that there are better things out there.

The GIGS is mostly used to refer to people in relationships but it can also be applied to people who are in jobs.

Of course, since we are trying to gain insight into your ex boyfriend here we are going to be using the grass is greener syndrome in the context of relationships.

If I had to pick out one of the most frightening aspects of this entire thing it is that you could be doing everything perfectly in your relationship, you could literally be the best girlfriend in the world to your boyfriend and he could still have a bout of GIGS.

Lets take a look at how this phenomenon can apply to your ex boyfriend.

How GIGS Applies To Your Ex Boyfriend

grass and greener
This site was really designed for women who are trying to get their ex boyfriends back. So, lets take a moment and look at what your ex boyfriend may be experiencing assuming he got a bout of the GIGS. In my opinion, there are really three outcomes that can occur when it comes to your ex boyfriend.

  1. Things Are Great But I Think I Can Do Better
  2. Things Are Not Great And I Think I Can Do Better
  3. I Always Think I Can Do Better

As always, lets start with number one!

“Things are great but I think I can do better..”

For most of the women on this site this has to be one of the most horrifying outcomes that can potentially unfold. The way this works is actually pretty simple. You and your boyfriend are doing great. You love him and he loves you.

(FYI there is no question in his mind about that.)

However, somewhere down the road this little thought begins to creep into his head,

“I love her… but I feel I can find someone even better than her. Actually… now that I think about it I have always thought that from the moment I started dating her.”

When the inevitable talk comes where he explains that he just isn’t into the relationship anymore you immediately assume that he lost feelings. The truth is that he didn’t, he just thought he could do better even though things were great.

Pretty horrifying right?

“Things are not great and I think I can do better..”

To be honest, this is a situation where I think he may be justified in his reasoning to want to look elsewhere.

Lets pretend that you and I are dating. Throughout our relationship you are horrible to me. You are controlling, manipulative and get angry at every little thing I do. Pretty soon all of this craziness from you begins to weigh on me and a singular thought begins to enter my head,

“I think I deserve more than this in a relationship. I think I can do better.”

In other words, your inability to be a caring girlfriend was your own downfall as it caused me to look over the fence to see if the grass was greener anywhere else.

(Hint: It probably is which is why I left.)

“I can always do better..”

This is a very interesting type of grass is greener mindset. So, the way this basically works is that a guy can’t ever find happiness in a relationship. Nothing ever fulfills him and as a result he opts to look elsewhere for it.

In other words, he jumps from relationship to relationship trying to find someone who is going to fulfill him. Unbeknownst to him just the way he is, always thinking he can do better, prevents him from ever sustaining a long term relationship with anyone.

How can you tell if your ex boyfriend is like this?

Admittedly, this particular mindset on a man tends to be really rare. However, there are warning signs that you can keep a look out for.

For example, if your ex boyfriend has never had a long term relationship and just jumps from girl to girl it can be possible that he has the “I can ALWAYS do better” mindset.

Can The Grass Is Greener Syndrome Ever Work?

(Learn about how you can get an ex boyfriend back by clicking here.)

grass is greener

Obviously there are two trains of thought when it comes to GIGS.

  1. One portion of people believe that ending a relationship because you think you can do better usually works out.
  2. The other portion of people believe that just because you think the grass is greener on the other side doesn’t necessarily mean that things are going to work out.

The question that you are probably wondering is,

“If my boyfriend left me because he has the grass is greener syndrome could a relationship with someone else potentially work out?”

I think it depends on a number of factors.

For example, if you were a horrible girlfriend to him and did nothing but berate him throughout your entire relationship then probably any other situation is going to seem “greener” to him. I like to call this phenomenon, the setting the bar effect.

The “Setting The Bar” Effect

set the bar

Here’s an interesting question.

If your ex boyfriend could rate his experience having a relationship with you on a 1-10 scale what do you think he would give you?

Lets use the example I gave above in the last section about you being a horrible girlfriend and doing nothing but berating him throughout the entire relationship as a placeholder. Given this particular situation what do you think your ex boyfriend would rate you as? Where would he set your bar?

2… ?

3… ?

How about a 2.5 (since you did have some redeeming qualities.)

Alright, in this particular instance if your ex boyfriend can find a girl that can put provide him with a situation better than a 2.5 then for him the grass is indeed greener.

Of course, I know for a fact that most of you are great girlfriends and his bar isn’t going to be set at a 2.5.

Heck, maybe you were the best girlfriend that he ever had in his entire life and he gives you an 8 out of 10.

Well, if your ex ends up getting the GIGS he may potentially leave you because he thinks he can do better.

(What an idiot..)

Anyways, lets say that he does find a girl that he ends up dating for a little while but he only sets her bar at a 7.

By my math,

8 > 7.

This is a case where the grass is not greener and he is going to be really kicking himself for letting you go. In other words, he will be filled with an extreme amount of regret.

“What if he finds a girl that has the exact same rating as me?”

Lets assume that your ex boyfriend did leave you because of the grass is greener syndrome. He rated your overall relationship as a 6 out of 10. Well, when he finally does get in a relationship with someone else he may found out that she is a 6 out of 10 as well.

For him in this scenario the grass is not greener.

Remember, the grass is only greener if he can find someone who can beat the bar that you set. Of course, the other fly in the ointment for him is the fact that the grass may be a little greener at first but it almost always never stays the same.

How The Honeymoon Period Plays A Role

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honeymoon period phase

Everyone here is aware of the honeymoon period in a relationship right? Well, for those of you new to the game the honeymoon period is this period of the time at the beginning of a relationship where you have this constant emotional high and your significant other can do no wrong.

However, eventually the honeymoon period levels out and you don’t have that emotional high all the time (just spurts here and there.)

This is normal for every single romantic relationship that has ever been formed since the beginning of time.

What’s interesting is how the honeymoon period can affect the grass is greener syndrome.

Lets pretend that you and I were dating and I decided that I thought I could do better than you (classic GIGS.) Anyways, after I leave the relationship I determine that my experience with you was a 7 out of 10. Then the inevitable happens, I meet a new girl and start a new relationship with her.

At the beginning this new girl and I are going to be going through a honeymoon period so my experience in that relationship is going to be super high (probably a 9 or a 10.)

Wow, a 9 or 10.

The grass was greener right?

WRONG!

The honeymoon period begins to wear off and that is where the true test of a relationship begins. Pretty soon this new girl and I start fighting a lot.

That 9-10 rating suddenly drops to a 6-7.

Then I begin to suspect that she is cheating on me.

Now the rating is down to 5-6.

Now, I don’t know about you but in my book a 7 (my relationship with you) beats a 5 (my relationship with the GIGS girl.)

The main point here is that the honeymoon period has a way of inflating where the bar was set so it’s important not to be fooled by it.

Why The Honeymoon Period Will ALWAYS End

“But what if the honeymoon period doesn’t end?”

It will.

It’s inevitable.

Let me give you an example. When you are driving around in the car and listening to the radio what do you do when you hear an amazing song for the first time?

I’ll tell you what I do.

I immediately memorize a few lyrics to the song and send a text message to myself so I can look it up later and buy it. Once I have bought the song I listen to it about 50 times over and over again. This is a bit of an issue because after you listen to a song that much it kind of loses its appeal after a while.

The same principle applies here.

It’s impossible for a human to have a continuous emotional high for so long without adapting to it. Eventually we all adapt and make the “emotional high” normal. Sure, some honeymoon periods last longer than others but the end result always seems to be the same, it ends.

Now, just because the honeymoon period is over doesn’t mean the relationship is over. It just means that your ex boyfriends initial view of the relationship he is currently in may go down a little bit.

For example, that 9 he experienced during the honeymoon period may turn into a 7 or an 8.

Real Life Examples Of GIGS (Ex Boyfriends)

(Learn how to get your ex boyfriend back.)

memes in real life

I actually have two real life examples that I can tell you of how the grass is greener syndrome works.

I am going to give you an example of a woman who I communicated with on this site who ended up getting her ex boyfriend back after he got GIGS. In other words, I am going to give you an example of a case where the grass was not greener on the other site.

In addition to that I am going to be giving you an example of a case where the grass WAS greener on the other side by talking about the mindset of someone I know who met his future wife after a case of the GIGS.

I suppose we can start with what you really want to hear.

An Example Of The Time The Grass WASN’T Greener

grass isn't greener

A girl gets dressed up one night to go to a big party because she knows HE was going to be there.

Who was he?

His name was Brad.

So, the girl goes to the party and “casually” runs in to Brad. Something was different about her though. Brad was noticing her in a different light. Before she was just one of his “friends” but the way she looked tonight, she was much more than a friend.

They spent the entire night together swapping stories, philosophies and dreams. By the time the party was over at 2am the two were still talking. From that moment on they were inseparable. Not an hour went by where they didn’t text each other and not a day went by where they didn’t see each other.

As I am sure you have already predicated Brad and the girl ended up dating.

Their relationship was actually quite good.

They dated for a total of 2 years and didn’t have too many problems. Sure, there were fights here and there but generally speaking everything was great most of the time. One day Brad had a strange epiphany.

Actually, it turned out to be the day before his 30th birthday. You see, his parents kept urging him to marry the girl and as time went on he kept finding excuses not to man up and propose. With his upcoming birthday he started to have a thought,

“You know, I should probably get married. But I haven’t been out there really looking… I have been in a relationship all this time and I just think I can do better than (the girl.)”

Essentially Brad decided that he could do better than the girl he was currently dating.

So, he decided to break up with her so he could start his search for his future wife.

Little did he know that the girl (who asked me to remain anonymous) was waiting to be his future wife all along. So, when Brad tells her that he doesn’t think that shes,

“Wife material..”

She makes it her mission to prove that she is and takes to the internet to try find a way that she can win him back.

That’s when she stumbles across Ex Boyfriend Recovery and starts reading my articles. Eventually she works up the courage to email me (back when I was answering 100% of them and not getting overwhelmed.) She told me her story and I point out that she was a very good girlfriend to this guy and eventually he is going to realize his mistake.

I suggest that she implement a no contact period and “move on without moving on.”

She does her best to abide by my advice but ends up devastated when she logs on to Facebook one morning and notices that he is in a relationship with another girl.

Again, she comes back to me begging for me to tell her what to do.

“Stay in NC and keep on focusing on yourself.”

What I was hoping was that this girl had set the bar so high in her relationship with her ex that this other girl couldn’t compare when the honeymoon period did end up wearing off.

I was right!

Brad and his new girlfriend eventually started fighting and broke up after 6 months together.

Brad was starting to realize that the grass wasn’t as green as he thought.

So, in typical man fashion what does he do?

He decides to crawl back to the ex who set the standard for his relationships.

There was just one problem.

In all my speeches to the girl about,

“Moving on without moving on.”

It turned out that the girl had actually moved on. She forgot the “without moving on” part. By the time Brad had crawled back to her she had already found someone else and was happy in her relationship with him. In other words, it was too late for Brad.

The grass wasn’t greener.

Key Takeaways From The Story

  • Setting the standard/ bar for relationships for an ex is essential for making the grass not be greener.
  • Sometimes an ex going on the rebound can be a good thing especially if you are the best girlfriend he ever had.
  • Moving on without moving on can be an important part of the process.

An Example Of A Time That The Grass WAS Greener

grass is greener

This is a very personal story to me because I actually know this person and haven’t just communicated with them via email.

Someone I know really well was in a relationship with a girl for just under a year (like a month shy.) The relationship was pretty intense. At the beginning of the relationship with the honeymoon phase everything seemed to be pretty great. There were no fights and everything was going along very nicely.

The issues started occurring when the honeymoon period was over and my acquaintance began to notice that his girlfriend was a bit of a flirt. Well, quite honestly “a flirt” is putting it nicely. Turns out that this girl was constantly hanging out with other guys.

(Quick Sidenote: If a guy ever tells you that he is ok with you hanging out with other guys one on one then that means one of two things. The first could be that, that guy is a liar because no guy in his right mind is going to be ok with that. We are very protective and territorial ladies. Make sure you remember that. The second could be that, that guy doesn’t care about you very much because like I said, we are territorial and if he stopped caring about your “hang out” habits then that must mean he doesn’t care about you very much.)

Her indiscretion with the other men in her life began to drive a wedge between the relationship her and her boyfriend (my acquaintance) had built.

Now, most guys probably would assume that this girl was cheating on them due to how many guys she was “flirting with” and who knows, she probably had some feelings for some of these other men. However, my friend is not the type of person to just give up on a relationship. For whatever reason he saw potential in it so he stuck by her side.

As time went on they had fight after fight.

Pretty soon her flirty nature had driven him to the point where he had a hard time trusting her at all which of course led to more fights and made him very resentful.

This went on for almost a year until one day my friend had enough and found the courage to end it. He believed in his heart that he deserved better.

He was always the one that had to carry their relationship. Always the one to set up dates, initiate things and progress things forward. He felt like he put in all the effort but was never reciprocated.

If we could take a sample of the scale in his head this girl he dated would probably be a 2 or a 3 out of 10 which means that just about any girl he would date after that is going to seem better.

Here’s the thing though.

My friend takes relationships very seriously and was left very deeply hurt at how much he felt he wasted his time with this 2. So, rather than getting right back on the horse and potentially dating a rebound girl he took his time. He focused on healing and thought a lot about what he wanted in a future relationship.

He wasn’t going to make the same mistake by dating a girl that could wrong him the same way that this one did.

In other words, he made it his mission to find that “greener grass.”

He eventually did by the way.

Of course, it took him a total of 4 years.

Do you realize how rare that is?

Someone who is willing to wait that long. Who is willing to take every day to look inwards to find out what they really want out of a relationship. But perhaps most impressive of all is the ability to have the strength to say no to women that couldn’t make the cut.

Someone who refuses to settle.

A little confused?

Let me make it super easy for you to understand.

Essentially what my acquaintance is doing is that he is making sure that the next person he dates is going to be super high quality. Someone who is going to set the bar so high that no one can ever compare.

It took him 4 years but he finally found that woman.

As it turns out, that woman ended up being his future wife.

He had spent so much time thinking about what he really wanted in a relationship that he knew exactly what to look for when he was “vetting” women. Eventually he got so could at vetting women that the girl that was strong enough to make the cut was predestined to be his wife.

So, if you were wondering about a case where the grass is greener on the other side this would be it.

Someone who had such a bad experience in a relationship that they make it their mission to find the greener grass.

Recap

  • If the bar is set low in a relationship it is possible that an ex boyfriend can find someone else who can easily beat the mark.
  • Someone who doesn’t go on the rebound is more likely to find greener grass.
  • Someone who moves on completely after a relationship and actively searches for greener grass will probably find that greener grass.

Would you like to take a guess at who my “acquaintance” is?

I’ll tell you what.

The first person who can guess correctly in the comments will get my E-Book for free.

February 1, 2017

"I Can't Believe I Actually Have a Chance of Getting Him Back!"

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What Do You Think? (298)

  1. angeli - 0

    angeli

    hi i made a comment but idk if went through sorry if i repeat. lets say when i dated my ex, he maybe rated me like 5-7 at the end of the relationship. we broke up 2-3 years ago but remained good friends. he now has a girlfriend and it’s very new so the honeymoon phase is still going on. lets say he rates her maybe 8 or something or even 9-10 as of now. when the honeymoon phase ends, and she’s down to an 8 or lower, can i show my ex that i am a 10 while being friends?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Angeli,

      that’s ok.. of course you can set the bar higher.. Your posts are you way of showing your improvements indirectly..

  2. angelea - 0

    angelea

    Hi Amor,

    My boyfriend and I split on the 1st of this month. We were on a break at the time, and during the break I saw he liked something inappropriate on Instagram so I met up with him while we were both annoyed (he was annoyed because he thought I was upset over nothing, I was annoyed that he thought this was okay.) I made a mistake by mentioning possibly breaking up with him to him and one of his friends due to this.

    So, we met up and he went from telling me “I don’t know if I want to be in a relationship anymore” to “I don’t want to be in a relationship anymore”. During this time, he was crying a little. He held my hand and kissed me and kissed my hand. We embraced and hugged at the end of it. I did beg a little for him to wait it out until Sunday, but he said he didn’t want to “drag it out” and felt pretty confident in his decision.

    I do regret getting so upset about the Instagram incident. I can’t help but think that if I hadn’t maybe things would’ve been different. Anyways, while we were talking in the car he told me that he still loves me, he still agreed that he thinks we are soulmates. He said that I’m still his best friend, and he doesn’t want to lose me (in that aspect). He also said he still wants us to talk, hang out, etc. eventually because he wants to remain best friends. I told him in a wishy-washy way that that wasn’t what I wanted–there would always be too many feelings for me. He also told me that it was nothing that I had done, but he just didn’t want a relationship right now. He said he would only want one in the future if it was with me, and would reach out to me if he wanted one. He also said he wanted me to transfer to his school next semester, as it would “be good for me”.

    My ex is an almost 19-year-old in a college fraternity. He is on academic probation from both his school and his fraternity because of his extremely bad time management. He was drinking/smoking nearly every night, and going out to bars and parties at every available opportunity. I think the appeal to him of being single was really what made him want to make this decision. He said he wanted to go out without having someone he had to report to (or something like that)–not worry about having to text me, being able to do whatever, etc.

    His mom thinks that he may come around after he realizes that there is more to life than his fraternity. She also said he has always had issues with time management, and right now catching up with school and his fraternity are the only things where his time is really focused right now. I think this and some of my/his friends think so too. We have just shared so much and done so much together that I know we still have a strong bond, and always will.

    I think this might be a somewhat case of grass is greener syndrome. We fought some towards the end of our relationship over tiny things, but overall I think we would both say it was a good relationship. Also, I cut contact with him immediately. It has been 12 days and I got rid of him on all social media, deleted pictures from my phone, etc.

    Do you think there is a real chance for reconciliation? I’m “moving on without moving on” as of right now…

    Reply
    • angelea - 0

      angelea

      also, I really just think he wants a taste of the full college experience right now–single, able to do whatever without a person as an obligation. It might be bad but I think he will come around sooner or later, because he will realize what a hole I have left when he’s by himself, no parties, etc.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Angelea,

      yes, it’s a grass is greener.. He’s young, he’ll probably change his mind again. So, yeah there’s a chance..That’s good that you’re moving on without totally moving on.. Just keep in mind, dont let him back easily.. because if you do, he’ll leave you easily as well

  3. Angeli - 0

    Angeli

    let’s say when i dated my ex years back, i was a 5-6. now he is dating a girl, and it’s a new relationship so they are in the honeymoon phase. let’s say he maybe thinks shes an 8 or something of now. and if the phase ends and he still thinks she’s still maybe an 8 at least, do you think i can still set the bar higher and he would come to me? my ex and i are still friends so is that a way where i can show him i’m better?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Angeli,

      that’s ok.. of course you can set the bar higher.. Your posts are you way of showing your improvements indirectly..

  4. Sam - 0

    Sam

    Hi. Me and my boyfriend dated for almost 6 years. We were highschool sweethearts and did just about everything together. I regret that now knowing I did not give him enough space of his own. Anyways. He avoided me for a couple weeks… I eventually confronted him and told him that he obviously had something to say and it’s time to say it. He was devistated crying. He said the reason why he’s been avoiding me is because it’s time [to break up], but the reason why he didn’t want to do right away is because he doesn’t want to hurt me and he doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way. I came to the conclusion that he needed time on his own to grow. And he agreed on that. He of course wants to stay friends because not only were we boyfriend/girlfriend, we were also best friends. I agreed, knowing that the friendship thing would be extremely hard. The next day we had a college class together and we carpooled as usual. (We have 2 classes together during the week. Both classes are about 3 hours long). The carpool was painful for me, he seemed so fine while I was still so sad. So I told him that I can’t be his friend right now and maybe in the future we can try to be friends.. but right now I need time to heal on my own. He texted me on Thursday. Saying he changed his Facebook relationship status. And I ignored him. friday I noticed he blocked me on Instagram. Saturday (3 days after the breakup) his little sister posted a picture of him with a girl wearing his jacket. The girl is someone he just met literally a month ago in a college class. After I saw the picture. He blocked me on all social media. And the girl also blocked me on all social media, because she LITERALLY believes I will hunt her down and KILL her. Even though I was persuing NC..

    the following week when we were in class. He pointed out that we still have concert tickets to go see a band in a couple month. He asked me if he knew anyone who would buy his ticket. I asked him if he’d consider holding onto it for a month. He responded, “I’m not going to change my mind”. We continued having small talk. He told me that he never cheated on me and he hardly talked to the girl while we were dating, however now he is starting to have feelings for her. He said that he already told her that he likes her but said it’s too soon. I then told him to do what makes him happy, even if that means jumping into a relationship too soon. I then told him that I have to go and he said “I would hug you but I don’t know if it is too soon.” I looked at him and told him “um yea it’s too soon..”. Since then we continued NC and the girl has also blocked my mom from social media.

    I am also very close with my ex’s little sister.. she is very upset that he left me. And now she is claiming that the new girl is trying to be best friends with her and has said “I hope you like me, I hope we can be as close or closer than your brothers ex”.
    I hung out with the little sister and that night my ex was very upset with sister. He told his sister that she made his (girl)friend(?) cry because the new girl believes that sister is going behind her back to talk about her to me. She also believes that when sister doesn’t send her goodnight and Goodmorning texts messages that she did something wrong and questions if sister is mad at her.
    To me this whole situation is crazy. But what are your thoughts? What should I do other than keep NC? Is there still a chance? It’s been 11 days..

    They also told me she has clinical anxiety and some obvious paranoia, considering I’ve never met her or talked to her yet she’s so scared of me and my family.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Sam,

      I think you have a good chance if she keeps being like that..but I think for now, you should stop talking to his sister..you can tell her, it’s just for the mean time because of the situation but dont tell her for how long..and then just continue actively improving yourself and in posting in social media..

  5. Crystal - 0

    Crystal

    It has been two months since my ex and I broke up, and I have contacted him a lot. The longest I went NC was three weeks. We caught up on FaceTime, and we both agreed we felt so good about it. I made the mistake of suggesting to visit him (we are long distance, dating for 1.5 years) and it escalated into a big fight which brought us right back to the break up. I continued to be pushy and he claimed that we are not compatible, naming a bunch of superficial things (I feel) that doesn’t matter, but he agreed that we have similar values long term. He goes on to say that “it sounds selfish, but I will reach out to you. I can’t contribute the effort that our relationship needs right now. If you’ve moved on, then ok. If I want it, then I’ll work for it.” Then he goes on to say that “we need to think about what attracted us to each other in the first place and see if that exists”. With that being said. I was planning to do a 45 day NC. He obviously is putting me in the back burner. Will the NC rule be effective? And should I contact him after, or should I really move on and let him contact me?

    Reply
    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      He broke up with me, initially claiming it was “timing”. the times I contacted him was trying to understand the breakup, and trying to work things out. The three weeks of NC was good, as our conversation on FaceTime went so well (I didn’t bring up the past at all, we just caught up on what’s been going on). He just overreacted, bringing up the past, and he got mad at me, lashing out and saying things that were completely uncalled for. He apologized, and stating that he is confused, and that it is very one sided and that he can’t have me trying anymore.

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Sorry I forgot to add that he wants to still be friends, and that “that means a LOT, as he has never wanted that with any of his previous exes”, stating that “because he still cares for me. I told him that I needed time.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Crystal,

      I think there is a chance bit as he said, make him work for it and make him want to.. He said it clearly, you need to think what attracted him to you.. That means he’s not that attracted now, there’s no desire.. Probably because it’s obvious that you’re still waiting for him..It looks like chasing..

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      So what do you suggest that I do?

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      So what do you suggest that I do? the NC rule?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      For me yes, it looks like those 3 weeks was not enough. And since the more you do nc the less it can help, you need to make the most out of this second nc. Improve massively, be active, go out and do new things, make new friends, widen your world. Be so different, that he’s going to regret losing you.

    • Crystal - 0

      Crystal

      Amor,

      So even though he said he will reach out, am I still going to make the first contact after NC ? And how many days do you suggest

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      at least 30 days, and yes, it’s ok to initiate after it. What’s more important is how it went, how it ended and that you ended it at high note.

  6. Meas - 0

    Meas

    My ex and I was together for 2 years. We’re been together thru up and down and cuz sometime I’m too clingy but we was in a committed relationship but for the few weeks before we broke up I’m always moody and sometime he doesn’t have time for me which is I understand. Cuz I said thing I shouldn’t said when I’m mad he broke up with me. He took few days to moved on now he’s in a relationship with his new girl for 2 months. He texted me few times but as a friend. I still love him and miss him but I tried the no contact rule and moving on without moving on.
    Idk if I still have a chance to get him back or not

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Meas,
      when did you break up and how long did you do nc?

  7. Caroline - 0

    Caroline

    My ex left me about 3 months ago. About two weeks before that I sensed him growing distant and suspected he had feelings for another girl in his school. We were together 9 months and lived together. After we broke he dragged his feet to move out and was still texting me to hang out but would blow me off. So I implemented NC. I ignored him once and then he stopped texting. The day I broke NC he answered positively and right away and immediately arranged an in face meeting to get some more stuff he’d left. He was very “huggy” and happy to see me and made excuses to stay longer and talk. He even asked me to coffee. We texted a little after but then he blew me off so I went into a mini NC. After that he texted me he still had some stuff and arranged another in person. This meeting was the same even him asking me out. Then he blew me off again so I did another NC. I’m almost done and a friend said his FB says he’s in a relationship! He blocked me from seeing the status even though we’re still friends and it’s been going on since a week after we broke up. Now what do I do? Does he still have feelings for me since he won’t tell me about the relationship

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Caroline,

      can be..but the longer their relationship is, the more serious it gets. How long did each nc last and how much did you improve since then? how is he blowing you off? did you mean he just stops replying?

    • Caroline - 0

      Caroline

      Amore, NC the first time lasted 21 days. Then he immediately answered positively and arranged a way to see me. He asked me out for coffee in person when he was leaving, unprompted from me. Then we texted back and forth for about another week and a half. When I tried to confirm coffee he said he’d been really busy but still wanted to. So I tried to give him space. After a couple days and me not acknowledging him on his birthday he texted me the next day to see me again to pick up something random I had at my apartment. Same thing lots of chemistry and catching up and fun and he asked me to coffee again without me prompting. Then we texted a little and he responded he was busy with finals so I gave him space again. After a week I snapchatted him something harmless and funny and he responded with a long note about sorry for not being able to meet up but that he still wanted to. After that I’ve been in a second NC for almost 25 days. It just seems like he didn’t take any time to get over our relationship, I’m wondering how this one can last very long with him still trying to talk to and see me without her knowing. Also why wouldn’t he just tell me? What’s the point of asking me out at all?

    • Caroline - 0

      Caroline

      The first NC lasted 21 days. When he saw me he lingered, was super happy to see me, and he asked me to coffee and said he would text. Then he later told me he’d gotten busy and was sorry he couldn’t get coffee until maybe next week. So I thought maybe he needed space so I didn’t talk to him for four days over his birthday but when I didn’t acknowledge it he texted the next day scheduling a face to face to pick up something he left at the apartment. He did the same things again, super happy to see me, lingering, touchy felt, and asked me out to coffee again . Then he texted back less frequently so I gave him space and then he told me he was really sorry by he was busy with finals but we’d hang out soon. I decided to try to do NC again bc maybe I hadn’t done it long enough since he didn’t seem to be responding the way I thought he would and with all his distractions he hadn’t had time to feel the loss of me. I have become very active, lost 15 lbs, reconnected with friends, doing well with work, and I’m learning French and painting again. I’ve only ever been happy and bubbly when dealing with him. I just feel like he’s using this girl as a distraction from dealing with his emotions while I’ve been out of the picture. What do you think?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Ah..honestly I think too much nc played a role.. he might still have feelings but you have to build rapport and attraction to increase the chances of him wanting you back..

  8. Christine Wallace - 0

    Christine Wallace

    It was you,Chris who waited four years

    Reply
    • Angelina - 0

      Angelina

      Hello! I have finally gotten out of NC and have improved myself mentally, physically, and just in general. 🙂 I contacted my ex, and he was very positive. The next time I messaged him he was sort of positive and neutral. You see, my ex broke up with me to get back with his previous ex girlfriend. Before we were dating, he broke up with his girlfriend to be with me, which I didn’t know at the time, and then has now gone back to her after deciding the grass wasn’t greener with me. He has been waving at me in the halls, but has recently stopped again. He was liking my pics and videos and stuff, but has now stopped again…. It’s like he’s constantly up and down. How do I get him to continually be attracted to me and to keep him where he’s still interested?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Dont rush.. It was only two texts.. You have to slowly build rapport and attraction.. If he’s still with the other girl, then you have to be more careful

  9. Christine Wallace - 0

    Christine Wallace

    That guy who waited four years is/was you, Chris

    Reply
    • Angelina - 0

      Angelina

      Okay. 🙂 Be more careful how?

    • Angelina - 0

      Angelina

      Okay. 🙂 What do you mean by having to be more careful?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You can’t appear like you’re trying to get him back because he will be protective of his new relationship. You have to appear like you’ve moved on or moving on and just being friendly.

  10. Patricia - 0

    Patricia

    I am very confused. My ex left me (grass is greener), I begged, cried all the usual. From what i can tell they have been together about 3 months (since the week we broke up). Lately, the social media presence has all but disappeared. She liked one of his photos Friday night but no pics together and he hasn’t liked any of her updates. She’s also posted a lot of emotional quotations and things about getting through anxiety. At the same time, he has contacted me several times. 2 times ago, he apologized for what he put me through and said I had been in his head a lot. We had a nice lighthearted conversation after that which I ended early. This was Friday. Then on Tuesday he emailed me at work and I emailed back the following day.

    Him: “there is a jacket that belongs to you in my closet. FYI”
    Me: “Which jacket”
    Him: “I dont know it’s blue and it has a hoodie”
    Me: “Ok, well I am not really going to be around the rest of the week, so either you can mail it to me, or next week you can drop it off or exchange it or whatever you are comfortable with.”
    Him: “Ohh I wasnt really planning in making a big deal about it, Ill figure it out..just wanted to let u know”

    Why would he tell me about it then not want to arrange when to give it back? Do you think his relationship might be on the rocks? Should I contact him again about it or wait? He has reached out to me (I have not initiated at all since early-mid September but he has 6-8 times, usually about belongings but 2 times about hoping I’m doing well and apologizing.

    Reply
    • Patricia - 0

      Patricia

      Also, I did no contact but since all the stuff was about belongings I had to respond a few times. After NC he emailed the apology stuff, so I did respond to that. I never really had a chance to “not respond” :/

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think it’s time to start building rapport slowly now.. just dont open up any topic about the other girl..

  11. Anon. - 0

    Anon.

    My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts, together 11 years, living together for 6. We are both in our late twenties and I have been pushing for an engagement for the past 3-4 years. He always had excuses that he wasn’t ready. No infidelities on either part, I think our relationship is great and has honestly improved over the past 4 or 5 years. We had a lot of growing pains in college that are way behind us.

    The past year he’s had the GIGs. A year ago, we nearly broke up because he wanted to be independent and ‘find himself’. Nine months later, after promising me that he wasn’t feeling that way anymore, it happened again: he was having feelings of wanting independence. We never dated other people, we haven’t experienced living alone. We stayed together after this but my trust was shot. He was getting ready to propose last month when he came to me and said he had the feelings once again. He has the ring and any other day he says he feels great in our relationship, but when it comes time to actually propose, he gets cold feet and insecurities.

    Right now, we are taking time to build up our friendships and hobbies outside of our relationship but still stay together. I want someone who wants to marry me. I basically set a deadline of the end of this month to propose or pack up. I’m sick of having a ring dangled in front of me and my feelings toyed with. I know he’s not doing it on purpose and he feels terrible. But I also don’t know if I have the strength to move on.

    Any sort of hope for couples going through this without breaking up?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Anon,

      Hmm.. It’s probably because you’ve been so long together and you had so much “togetherness”, he’s starting to feel trapped because he’s not growing. When you’re in a relationship, it’s important that you still have your own life apart from him and that you don’t lose yourself. Break ups are not always negative. There’s a good chance that if you broke up, you will get back together. Check this one too:
      EBR 061: Turning Your Breakup Into A Golden Opportunity

  12. shattered - 0

    shattered

    My ex boyfriend and i were dating for a year. It was full-on relationship and we moved in together for about 3-4months then he left to go back home. The relationship was great, we did a lot together. Built good memories. It felt great, the only big problem we had was, he was leaving to go back home.; Which was the source of most of my breakdowns because well inevitably i fell in love with him. He was travelling on a working holiday, i thought he’d eventually decide to stay or go back even since we were in a relationship and im a local (could definitely help him and we were talking about sponsorship as an option). we have our ups and downs but found our way through everything. We decided to see how things will go between us, before he left so more of like broke up but not really broke up. Settled for that, thought it was fair play and i trusted him. I thought the space or being away from each other will be good for us since we kept having an argument about him leaving. He assured me itl only be couple of months. Within 2 months he was away, i tried to move on but not really move on. Kept positive. Believed we’re going to see each other and everything will be well. We constantly kept in contact. In less than 2 months though, so basically a month and a half of him just being home, he messaged me one day and told me a lot has chnaged and he’s going to be in relationship. He said he didnt just want me to see it over facebook and he said he’s sorry its too soon but its better now than later (smh) The girl just popped out of nowhere. He admitted that he wasnt speaking to her while we were together. No common friends and she’s not even a local of his country. Opened his facebook page and he has chnaged his status. It was too soon. Was shocking, really. Harsh! All i know is that he wasnt 100% honest about him not having intentions of staying in my country but just shattered with what just happened. Definitely the new girl’s a rebound?
    What just happened?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Shattered,
      you mean he’s not going back in your country? how old are you both? yes, the girl probably is a rebound…

    • shattered - 0

      shattered

      No, he’s not coming back, apparently though we made plans of seeing each other in another country if not mine. Can’t help but feel I was just an option. Now that he’s home and in a new relationship. He said that he knew for a long time that he couldn’t make life changing decisions just on our relationship. Don’t know if that’s an excuse. wish he was just honest way back so it didn’t hurt as much. He was a good boyfriend to me though, apart from the leaving issue. He’s 26 and I’m 29. It just sucked that he jumped into a relationship too quickly. very hurtful

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Honestly, I’m not sure if he got tired with you because of the atguments or he really didnt intend to come back in the first place.. You can still try doing the no contact rule to heal and improve yourself and maybe it can help reveal what his true reason is

  13. Miya - 0

    Miya

    Hi Chris,
    Me and my ex was together 5 1/2 years. We have 3 kids together. He was cheating a lot. He lost his job but I stayed with him and I supported him. He stopped cheating for at least 1 1/2 years. Last year his mom passed and I stayed by his side during the whole year. We did have a lot of disagreements due to the fact that he constantly flirted with other women but we always worked through it. He was telling me he love me and he’s just having a hard time. We decided one day that we need space away from each other. We was still in a relationship but just wasn’t around each other much. He got a job out of town and started back flirting with women he worked with. He stopped for a while then one day I asked when is he planning on moving back together and he told me give him a week. He said he wanted to wait until his brother came home from jail and he didn’t want to leave his sister alone. Well I waited for the week and I noticed he had no intentions of moving back. So one day he told me he don’t know if he want to be with me or not. The next day he said it’s over. About a month later (August) he started seeing this woman he works with and got in a relationship a month later. He told me that he love me but he has moved on and he love her. I’m really hurt and confused. I’m questioning whether he really loved me or just used me until he found better. They’re all over social media saying how happy they are. It’s only been 3 months and I can’t explain how hurt I am. Yesterday I told him that our son who is 4 that he was asking about him. My ex asked what did he say and I told him. After that he told me that he’s buying him some shoes next week. He then said he will pick him up but he’s out of town with his new girlfriend. He barley calls or come and get the kids. I’m really confused. Maybe she is better than me? Did I not do what I needed to do in our relationship?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Miya,

      he’s a constant cheater..more likely he will also cheat with the new girl later on

  14. Pinktie - 0

    Pinktie

    My boyfriend have been broken up a few weeks. he said she is not in love me anymore. I hurt with not fulfilling his needs. I now understand how he may felt neglected but is saying he does not want to be in a relationship with me. He is telling me that he wanted to focus his time for himself and his parents (with financial crisis). Aside from our differences in attitudes, goals he fell in love with his officemate 10years younger. (who is also in a 1 year relationship with his bf).because she appreciates him and believes in his strenths..blah..the girl knows that he’s inlove with her and they were exchanging txt mesaages.but after i knew it she confess it to his boyfriend and i guess she and my bf stop texting.We’ve been together for 13 years. He keeps on telling we that we have to separate now.. Do you think we still have a chance?what advice do i need to do?thanks

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi pinktie,
      what do you think about the advice above?

  15. Caroline - 0

    Caroline

    EBR team can you please help me with some insight into my situation. It is kind of long and I’m sorry for that but I am devastated. I have read EBR PRO and the texting bible and I love this website. My bf and I were together for almost a year. It was love at first sight but we had some obstacles to overcome before being with each other. I was going through a divorce and he worked for me. We met when I transferred to a new store as his manager and immediately hit it off and are as compatible as any person I have ever met. He changed stores so that we could date without stigma and waited patiently for my divorce to finalize. We talked about marriage and a future and lived together. He’s 10 years younger and lacked relationship experience but i knew from my past experience that this was something rare and special and something I’d never experienced before. Our honeymoon phase lasted almost our entire relationship. Towards the end things fell apart very quickly. He got accepted into an intensive music program and it’s time constraints interfered with his job and he got fired. He also lost funding from his mom at the same time and felt he had to move out bc he couldn’t afford to live with me and move back in with his mom. We still talked about making it work but he seemed very distant. I noticed he started talking to a “friend” in his class quite a bit and where he used to be completely transparent with me he started to hide it from me. I confronted him and he said he might have feelings for someone else (a week after telling me he wanted to marry me) so we broke up. He said the words but I initiated it. He said he didn’t want that to happen and even went out of his way to tell me he still wanted to see me and hang out with me. He slowly started moving things out but still had quite a bit at the apt. I started the NC rule one week after breaking up. And I am 13 days in and I found out yesterday that he’s dating this new girl from a mutual friend but she says he doesn’t seem happy and is very thin and didn’t seem very serious about her. Should I wait the 21 days still or ask him to get all of his stuff (it seems like he’s leaving it behind to see me)? Or should I just give up? Please help I still love him and I know his love for me couldn’t have deteriorated that quickly

    Reply
  16. Devastated - 0

    Devastated

    So I was only with my ex 6 months, but I completely fell in love with him. I still love him, but don’t think I have any shot of getting him back. We met through an online dating site. He has full custody of his two kids, so from the beginning it was a challenge to spend time with him. I liked him a lot, so I made sure not to be needy or jealous when I didn’t get time with him. The time we did spend together was great (at least I thought so). Eventually he introduced me to his children and we hit it off right away. About a week after I met the kids he got laid off from his job. He also started having issues with his ex wife trying to get the kids. He was going through a lot, and I was doing my best to be supportive. Then a possible job opportunity came up in another state. It’s a long hiring process and it started to take a toll on our relationship. I told him I didn’t want him to leave, that I would have nothing left here if he moved. I wasn’t really thinking anything of that comment, but he says it really stuck with him. We had plans 2 days later and the night before he canceled on me, saying he forgot he had invited a friend from work over to watch football. I completely overreacted because I was so stressed over him leaving and now he was cancelling on me when he could be leaving soon. I had a complete meltdown. I yelled at him. I cried. I told him he didn’t care about me. He eventually told me he couldn’t handle me and was hanging up. Later we talked and he said we could chalk it up to a bad weekend. We got together a few days later (Thursday) and everything was off. He didn’t want to touch me. He was very standoffish. The next night I text him to ask if I’d see him over the weekend. He didn’t respond. On Saturday he told me he “forgot” to respond and maybe we could get together Sunday. I of course overreacted again. We got in another argument. We talked and he told me he needed time to figure out what he wanted. He said he was dealing with too much and couldn’t have me around the kids because he couldn’t let them get attached to someone if he wasn’t sure it would work out. He noted our differences in beliefs etc. and said he had been thinking about how they could be an issue long term. I cried and acted like a fool. Then I had an urge to check if he was still on the dating site and sure enough it said he was online. I called. He didn’t answer. I left a message accusing him or cheating then text the same. I cried all night and didn’t go to work on Monday. I went to his house to get my key hoping he would see me and still care for me. We talked and I cried. He swore he wasn’t cheating and he kissed me three times on the forehead and said we weren’t over. I haven’t seen him since. We have text but only when I contacted him. We talked about a week later when I asked him if we were over. He said he couldn’t tell me. He said he wasn’t sure because of my previous comment saying I had nothing here without him. He said he didn’t want someone who made him there only priority. We talked more and he said we’d get together after he came back from his out of state interview and go from there. While he was gone we chatted a bit. No arguing or anything. Then I checked his profile again. It had new pictures. I made a fake profile and messaged him. He responded immediately saying my fake profile girl was beautiful. As her I made up an excuse about why I couldn’t give him my number until I got to know him because that last guy I dated ended up having a girlfriend. He said he understood and that he “couldn’t be more single”. I had a complete meltdown. He had no idea this girl was me. I text him asking about the interview. He responded. Then I made the mistake of telling him how much I loved him and felt bad about everything he was dealing with. He ignored me. The next day I text him something random and he ignored me. I wrote this big long thing about how could he date other people when he never broke up with me. I called him twice. Left pathetic messages. Text him like 5 more times over the next two days. Told him he was an idiot for choosing someone else over me. Told him I loved him and would’ve loved the kids and always been there for both. Basically begged him to choose me. The last messages I sent yesterday morning. He didn’t respond. I’m trying my hardest not to contact him, but I keep seeing him online. I’ve been wondering if he was dating other people the whole time or if he just started talking to people. I know he’s lying to people. He told the fake girl he’d been single for two years and was out of town for work. No mention of moving away. I don’t know if he’s looking for a relationship or sex or what. I don’t know if he got the job. He was supposed to find out Friday, but he hasn’t contacted me. He was online today on the dating site. I’m wondering if I have any shot at all at getting him back or if I completely scared him away. All of this happened in the past 3 weeks. Before that we never even had a fight. Is there a chance no contact will work? Or is he already too far gone?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Devastated,

      There’s no guarantee that it will work but honestly, I think he sees you as another responsibility when he already two children to take care of..

    • Devastated - 0

      Devastated

      So should I just give up?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      not really, but what I mean is that be less of a responsbility for him… why not try doing the no contact rule?

    • Julia - 0

      Julia

      Seriously. I know you are in panic now, but take your time to think (no contact). Why would you even want man like this back.. He is liar and cheater..? You deserve more.

  17. Ella - 0

    Ella

    Hi, I was wondering if you could maybe give some insight on my situation (it’s kind of long and maybe a bit confusing so sorry for that and I’d also like to point out that my ex and I are still in high school so maybe emotional immaturity could play a role in everything that has happened).
    Back in January 2016, I met my now ex and we had an instant connection (I don’t necessarily want to call it love at first sight but that’s essentially how I felt). We started talking talking after a few days and went on our first date about a week later. Everything was great throughout most of the relationship minus a few bumps here and there (he got jealous really easily, he wasn’t very open about problems he had with things that I did, and it was my first actual relationship so I was still learning the ropes), but the majority of our 6 months together was pretty spectacular at least to me. His parents for some reason grew to really not like me, so when summer came around we never got to do anything together because they’d always come up with excuses and I feel like this took a really big tole on our relationship.
    Without being able to ever see each other and only really ever talking over text, our relationship started falling apart a bit. In July he said he wanted to go on a break and I grudgingly agreed because with the situation we were in, our relationship couldn’t really progress and it was really stressing the both of us out. Since we were on break from the relationship, I tried only acting in a friendly way and tried to tell him that that’s how I wanted it to be because I didn’t want my emotions to get all confused, but he’d still tell me a lot about how much he missed me and that he loved me and whatnot. We stayed on break for a few weeks, but us acting like a couple still started to really mess with me and I turned into not the nicest person (not like I really meant to, my feelings were just out of whack and I didn’t really know what we were). One night, he mentioned something about another girl liking him and I… freaked out to say the least. We weren’t technically together but we still had feelings for each other (so I thought, at least my feelings were still strong), but I thought why would he be telling me this unless I’m about to lose him for good? I kind of shut down and said he didn’t care and he said we were done, but then apologized and said he didn’t really mean it.. but then a few nights later he blew up on me saying things like “I don’t even know why I even tried” and that was the only time he actually let me know all the things I was doing wrong in his eyes.
    Fast forward to barely a week later and he was already posting all about his new “girlfriend” (which is the girl who said she liked him) on social media where he knew I’d see. I talked to him about it and he basically kept saying he didn’t understand why I still had such strong feelings for him because he doesn’t deserve it and whatnot. Then his attitude completely flip-flopped and he started saying that I shouldn’t be mad because I “could’ve prevented him leaving” and “could’ve prevented this whole situation from ever happening” annnd then flip-flopped right back to calling himself an awful person for hurting someone he cares about. He continued parading his new girl around though even though he knew it hurt me and I decided to attempt no contact which I knew would be hard to do seeing as how school was just about to start.
    School started and he said he really wanted to still be friends and that just because we aren’t in a relationship doesn’t mean he doesn’t still care about and love me which kind of got to me but I didn’t say anything about it and went along with the trying to be friends thing. It was going ok but then he like, went ghost on me so I stopped talking to him for maybe 2 weeks when he texted me asking if I was ok and we started talking again until he wouldn’t leave me alone as to why I thought hanging out at school was weird so I told him I still had feelings and he said he was “so confused” and stopped talking to me again. A week later though, he randomly texted me telling me to call him and he was very adamant about talking on the phone but couldn’t give me a reason as to why. This ultimately led to me telling him that I still love him and we had the conversation about our relationship that we probably should’ve had like a month before and he said that he still really wanted to be friends and for me not to hate him and whatnot. He said he was sorry for doing what he did to me then became adamant about talking on the phone again, so I caved in and all he would talk about was good memories from our relationship and he was acting flirty and he tried for some reason to figure out if i was talking to/seeing anyone else. I found how he was acting kind of strange, but I didn’t say anything and we texted until maybe halfway through the next day when he disappeared… again. He texted me really late at night the night after saying he stopped talking because his girlfriend got jealous over me because I still have feelings for him and thennn right after that he became very adamant about talking on the phone again like he was completely disregarding his girlfriends feelings towards me and I confronted him over it and he said something like “she doesn’t have to know everything I do” which really really got to me because why is he going behind her back essentially to talk to me? I started hanging out with him at school though and things were ok until the other day when he said something along the lines of “if we ever got back together…” which completely baffled me because why would he even think about that if he’s in such a committed relationship? We started arguing over it because I didn’t think that was right especially when he knows how I feel and he started acting all defensive and like a complete and total jerk and was like “I wasn’t even thinking about getting back together with you” and I basically sent a message saying look this is exactly how I feel and you know that and I don’t appreciate you doing this, this, and this while you completely know how I feel and you’re in a relationship with someone else. He went on a long spiel about how he was done with “my drama” and “done with talking about our relationship” (even though that’s basically all he ever wanted to talk about with me?) because “it was unhealthy and bad” and ended with how he’s basically more happy with the girl he’s with now than he ever was with me and that he’s gonna tell her everything I’ve said to him and it’s just going to make her jealous but she doesn’t deserve that and he has no wish to try and help me in any way and that we can’t communicate anymore.
    I mean I want to get back with him maybe eventually, but I don’t know if she’s a rebound because of how fast he went to her or a GIGS case because he’s basically claiming she’s so much better or a mix of the both. I’m trying to move on now because who knows if we’ll ever even talk again, but I’m just very confused as to why he was acting so wishy-washy and hot and cold towards me and would like some insight as to maybe what the reasons could be and maybe if there could ever be another chance for us in the future. (idk if I really made this clear anywhere but they’ve only really been together for maybe a bit over a month/near 2 months i’m not too sure because he’s honestly awful with dates and keeping track of months)

    Reply
    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      Oh also, I don’t know if this necessarily means anything but he also made it to where I can’t go look at one of his facebook profiles so I used my friend’s account to look and he deleted everything about me, but not stuff about all of this other exes which is also kind of confusing because they’re all exes too so why just me?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Ella
      I think he’s playing safe.. he’a still not over, he kind of tried things with you but he doesnt like confrontation.. I think he felt pressured which he should be because he shouldnt be playing safe..
      do you want to try the no contact rule? and if ever you are going to try the no contact rule, dont be too forward when rebuilding rapport with him again..

      come from a place that you’re just friendly because you know he has a gf..try to follow what’s advised in this one: What To Do If Your Ex Boyfriend Moves On To A New Girl (Video)

    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      I feel like doing no contact is unavoidable at this point seeing as how he said we aren’t to communicate anymore.. lol but seeing as how he said that, how would I even start to try and talk to him again later on? Should I wait until he possibly initiates conversation because he’s the one who made this decision or..?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      He has to think that you’ve moved on during and after no contact so, that he would be open to start as friends again.

    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      It’s been almost a month since this all happened and he’s still kept up with the not communicating thing, but at school he’s constantly watching me whenever we’re in situations where we have to be near each other, he follows me to class sometimes (we have absolutely no classes together and none of them are really near each other), and there have been numerous times I’ve heard him talking to his friends about me. I’ve been working on myself and growing more as a person and trying to avoid seeing things about him and his girlfriend (who friends have told me numerous times about how absolutely miserable they look around each other), but I do want to try and be friends again but I’m still unsure as to how to break no contact since he basically initiated it. Do I take my chances and wait for him to initiate conversation or do I potentially make myself seem like a desperate fool and try and text him?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      those are good signs..starr by smiling to him when you bump into him after no contact..that way you’ll guage how he would react

    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      Well, NC time was over and I was still trying to figure out a way to contact him again without it being weird. I had smiled at him a few times in passing and he’d completely freeze up and he doesn’t follow me or stare as often as he used to, but still does sometimes. I was still trying to make a game plan for contacting when today he messaged me out of nowhere trying to argue with me because his girlfriend apparently tells him every day about how I give her ugly looks. I kept trying to tell him that I don’t do that (because I don’t my resting face just kind of looks like that most of the time sadly) but he wasn’t having it. He said he was tired of always hearing about me and I told him to tell her that then cause it’s not my problem and he told me that she wasn’t the problem, it was me. He wouldn’t drop it for anything so I told him again to just leave me out of it because it isn’t fair to me so he stopped. I dont like how he’s obviously trying to blame me for whatever problems they’re having and I just… I don’t know what to do anymore.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Oh no..You’re not even doing anything yet and he goes on protective mode for his relationship.. That means you can’t initiate a text and it would better to stay distant.

    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      I’ve been trying to stay as distant as possible but I’m getting so sick of how they act now it’s difficult to not confront them. He’s constantly putting himself in positions where he can watch me, even if she is around and all over him (about a week ago he stood in a place where he could watch me at lunch and I had an urge to look in his direction and him and her were hugging and rocking back and forth but he was staring longingly at me so I gave him a pretty ugly look and he looked shocked but what else does he expect? Then a few days before that, I was leaving and she was all over him but he watched me walk to my car and just stared at/into my car as I was driving away with that same look on his face.) She’s always staring/glaring at me if I see her in the hall (I even went shopping the other day and bumped into her mom and her mom even glared at me whenever she saw me) and if she sees me unexpectedly she looks terrified. They both followed me around the other day. A girl told me that his girlfriend brings me up in church saying he’s having issues with me when I don’t even communicate with either of them. I’m just trying to live my life and move on and ignore their existence, but I can’t when they’re being like this. Do you have any advice posts when it comes to situations like this?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      you just really have to keep doing what you’re doing.. dont let them get to you..

    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      Truthfully, I didn’t think id be coming back to this site for advice. I completely ignored them and even started talking to a guy that I managed to start liking a lot (sadly, that was a major flop he was a total flake lol). When the new semester rolled around we got new schedules and basically to sum this up, his gf was at lunch with me and she was CONSTANTLY flirting with this other guy (like he’d have his arm around her, they’d be uncomfortablely close, etc.) while also constantly glaring at me and a bunch of people told me to tell my ex but I didn’t want to be involved in that drama. My classes got switched up and then I ended up in a class with my ex and, with my luck, my seat ended up being right behind his. I thought I could just ignore him, but he’d continuously turn around and stare at me acting like it wasn’t so blatantly obvious that that’s what he was doing. The other day though, he texted me while in that class, pretended to act like he meant to text someone else (but my creepy self was looking at his phone when he started texting me, he knew exactly who he was talking to), then started saying stuff like that he doesn’t hate me just cause he doesn’t talk to me it’s just that his gf doesn’t want us talking, but he said she could get over it and her not liking me wasn’t going to get in between us being friends. He eventually turned around and actually started talking to me and honestly it was great. Not talking for a few months gave us a lot to catch up on and we were constantly cracking jokes and messing with each other and we were all smiles and giggles. He also opened up and told me about just how much his gf REALLY does not like me even still, which I’m assuming most likely has something to do with severe jealousy and we both agreed that it was absolutely ridiculous. We continued to text some after that class and things were great. But exactly the next day he went cold and now he won’t talk to me. I assume it has something to do with his girlfriend again which I would understand, but only if I was crossing some sort of boundary and if it hasn’t been like months since the last time we actually talked. I haven’t made it seem like I want to get back with him or anything, like yeah I still have feelings and all and working things out would be great, but I’m also perfectly content with having a completely platonic relationship. Personally, if she’s going behind his back and flirting with this other guy (which really gets on my nerves because I still care about him) then I don’t think that she has any right to tell him not to talk to me (that also seems like a major red flag to me and I have a feeling she’s the type to threaten to break up with him over it). I don’t exactly want to get involved in all of that drama when their relationship shouldn’t really be any of my business, but I’m absolutely so sick of being treated this way and I don’t know if I should confront him or what.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      just continue being civil..as you know, she’s jealous so everything you do with him is a red flag even if it’s just talking

    • Ella - 0

      Ella

      So I confronted him about him just cutting communication again (in a civil way) and he told me he got “in trouble” with her which led to a conversation that gave me a lot of insight on how manipulating and controlling towards him she is (I’m not going to go into full detail because hey it’s not my relationship but yikes) and I tried taking what he told me and showing him how unhealthy their dynamic is, he refused to see it and just said it’s probably always his fault anyways and he just overthinks. Whatever. So we’re back to being friends and with each passing day it’s as though things get increasingly more odd. People constantly assume we’re dating and they get really awkward when we say that we’re exes so I guess there’s still a tension that even others can sense, which makes sense because of how flirty he is towards me at all times. One day he said something to me that honestly really upset me since I still have feelings and whatnot and he could tell it upset me but he didn’t understand why cause he assumed all of my feelings were gone. I truthfully wasn’t going to fess up to it, but him getting mad and assuming he knows how I feel made me mad so I went ahead and told him that yeah I actually do still kinda have feelings, but I only want to be friends and he apologized profusely, said he wouldn’t say anything like what he did ever again, and said that he wouldn’t be weird over me still feeling things. This of course was a total farce because since then he’s gotten SO much more flirty, he’s always touching me in some way, and he analyzes my moods a lot more now and is always trying his best to make sure I’m happy around him. The touching in specific is what really gets worse every day; it started off with playful nudges but has turned into grabbing my hand(s) all the time or stretching back and holding me to him in a way. I really feel like he’s crossing a line seeing as how he’s with someone and he knows how I feel, but I don’t know if I should confront him about it since he always goes on the defensive when it comes to this and I don’t want to potentially just throw our friendship out the window.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      for me that’s good because that puts you in a better light if he always has fun with you compared to the other girl

  18. Kari - 0

    Kari

    Hi Amor,

    I was in LDR relationship for about 4 months with a friend I have known for over twelve years. We broke up in July…initiated a no-contact phase until August and slowly built up communication since then. Things were off to a great start (I was keeping in line with all the strategies in Chris’s book). We were making great progress., there was a strong level of attraction and desire building within us again. We eventually reached a point where we both agreed that a meetup in person is soon due (we are aiming for end of September). This would have been the first time we touch on many difficult topics about our relationship for the first time since the break-up.

    This past long weekend, my female instinct took over. I got vibes that there was another girl in the background. I could tell by his lacklustre and delayed responses, his disinterest in chatting much for the weekend. Plus, seeing a few pics online from common scenery between his profile and another girl’s, it was just too easy to figure it all out.

    We had a phone chat last night, and I was able to confirm that there was in fact another woman behind the scenes…a girl that has been interested in him for a while (from what my prediction is based on how active she was on his social media all the time). I’m about 99% sure they had sex. I’m sure he knows this is rebound sex/ or a rebound relationship. I could hear guilt and confusion in his voice as he confessed this to me. He also confessed he’s still got feelings for me and doesn’t know what he wants but would still like to keep our meeting in September to discuss everything that’s happened since July. He’s seen pictures and spoken with me enough times to see that I’ve only gone up the career ladder once again and have gotten in even better shape than I was in before. He claims that he is normally the one to have confidence in all of his decisions (leaving a relationship, a job, a friend, etc). but for the first time he feels as though he doesn’t know if leaving me was the the right choice.

    Amor, I can’t tell if the rebound sex is what made him feel this way or if it had truly been the two months of separation that has caused him to confess these things. He says he misses me and our talks. He says all he has done is give me stress and I’ve been the most selfless person he has ever known. He also said “perhaps I met the right person and the wrong time” type thing. ….I can go on for hours about what all he relayed to me…I guess my question is…Is someone really in love with you if they were able to sleep with another woman a month and half later? Is rebound sex really not that meaningful to men in comparison to how it comes across to the ex-girlfriend who has just found out?

    Should rebound relationships be overlookable to the person who wants their ex back? Is it excusable? Does it look pathetic to go back to someone like that? I just don’t know. He claims a few things for our september meeting. He says he wants to “figure out how feels for me and he needs to see me physically in person to do that” he also says “i want to talk to you about some things that happened or come up in my life in these past two months and I want to see how these things fit into your life and to see if you are okay with them” ….can’t tell if letting me decide if i want in or if he’s coming here to see if HE wants in.

    I am hurt that he slept with another woman, though we were not together. He says he has never cheated on me. I believe him but I am still grossed out about the rebound. He’s messaged me today to make small talk. I am trying my best to reply neutrally but i find that he has lost so much respect..and all the work and playfulness I put in during the “texting strategies” phase seems wasted. I don’t know if this worth another push after now hearing what I heard.

    I am happy for the progress my ex and I have made thus far. At one point I didn’t even know if there was a chance at getting him back. Using the EX boyfriend recovery PRO, that became possible again since he admitted to still having feelings for me. But now, the hurdle of the rebound relationship has surfaced…and I’m wondering..do i keep pushing? Or do convince myself that I deserve more worthy love?

    Please help

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Kari,

      Yeah, it is easier for guys, especially if he already decided then to move on..
      He didn’t expect you to improve this much, and it helped in attracting him back..

      He didn’t cheat but this all depends on what you want. It depends on your standards.. You don’t have to rush. Take it slow and if you’re still undecided then get back with him..

  19. Dawn - 0

    Dawn

    Hi EBF team! Can you help me with my situation? It’s long, and I apologize about that…
    My ex and I go to the same school, and we have all our classes together (that’s how our school is set up). We dated for a year and 4 months and were each other’s first serious relationship.
    Around March, my boyfriend’s classmate in his elective class went through a breakup. She went to my boyfriend for emotional support. They created a great friendship, and I respected it. But later, my boyfriend became the only person she ever talked to. It started to bug me, especially when I went to Japan to visit family and friends over the summer. She went out of state to visit her family for about 4 weeks. She talked to my ex about anything and everything. My boyfriend and I would FaceTime occasionally, but all he talked about was her.
    I told my boyfriend that their friendship was bothering me, and that I wanted her to not talk to him as much. He was a little upset, but he respected my opinion and agreed with me. He told me to tell her about it, so I did. I sent a text telling her the same thing I told my boyfriend. She replied with a long, rude text, and to sum it up, she said “no.” She sent my boyfriend our texts’ screenshots and told him that I was a controlling girlfriend who was trying to ruin their special bond that they had. She continued to do that for days. Eventually she made my boyfriend threaten to break up with me if I didn’t let them talk. I gave in. The girl later texted me that I was stupid to think that she was trying to steal him from me.

    Last month, my boyfriend broke up with me. He told me “I love you, but it’s not in the way you deserve.” I begged him to stay with me during the breakup, but he said he couldn’t make me happy anymore. He said he wanted to stay friends and would do anything to keep our friendship, and I said agreed. His mom called me later to make sure I was alright, and she told me that he and the girl are not allowed to date. Two days later, he apologized for not taking my side when the girl and I fought. I asked for another chance, but he said no. Right after this, I attempted No Contact for 21 days (school would start in 21 days so I thought it was the most reasonable choice). My close friend sent me screenshots of her conversation with my ex a week later, and he told my friend that he had feelings for the girl. I confronted him about it, but he said he didn’t leave me for her and developed feelings for her really quickly after the breakup.
    The girl and her mom drowned the next while on a family vacation. Her mom did not make it, and the girl was hospitalized for 2 days. During the two days, my ex always talked to me just like how we used to talk when we dated. I made the mistake of contacting him back during No Contact because most of our conversations were not important at all.
    Since school started, my ex and I get along. But whenever he is with the girl, she will give me glares and smirks. The three of us have the same elective together this year, and she is the editor. She is rude to me and leaves me out of class conversations.
    So basically, my questions are… What should I do? Do I still have a chance with my ex? Is the “relationship” he has with the girl a rebound, GIGS, or did he leave me for her? Should I restart No Contact (or Limited Contact), or is it too late? Should I not be friends with my ex, and how do I do that? Is there anything else you recommend?
    Thank you!!

    Reply
  20. alisha - 0

    alisha

    Hi i split from my lover of 4 years 3 months ago at the beginning we was so in love and absolutely adored each other but the last year or so we have had so many problems arguments and we started drifting apart he got into a new relationship 2 weeks after us splitting up and said are relationship was terrible and he doesn’t think you could get a worser relationship we also have a daughter together and lived together for 3 years! Do you think this is a rebound? GIGS? Or is he actually wanting to move on and is over me? I literally cannot imagine my life without him and know in he is in a new relationship absolutely kills me i just want my family back?

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Alisha,

      I think you have to change your mindset first. YOu can live life without him. Ok? YOu can, for your daughter. It can be a gigs case. But focus on what he might be thinking about you and influence that by changing yourself. Because right now he associates you with negativity and being clingy.. Have a new routine that you will continue even if you get him back. Have your own dates wit your daughter, work out routine, dates with friends, join crash courses that can improve your skill, volunteer. In short have your own life and don’t rush things because the moment that he senses you’re just changing to get him back, he will probably withdraw again.

  21. Amanda - 0

    Amanda

    My ex broke up with me because he “just didn’t see it going any further” and “didn’t feel in love with me.” He took a long time to come to the decision and assured me that I was a wonderful girl who deserved to be loved, but thatbhe just couldn’t do it, despite how much effort I put into the relationship. He also said he wasn’t emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship.

    Now it’s 9 months later. I was NC for two months and now see him at events every other month or so since we have mutual friends, but haven’t texted or messaged him once. I still love him, and was told by mutual friends that he recently asked another girl out but was rejected and is now moping about how much it sucks to be single.

    The same friend also told me that my ex got upset at him last time we were at the same event because the friend didn’t warn him I was going to be there. When I do see him he tries to be friendly and asks how I/my family is doing. Last time he even asked me about my trip to Russia (I never told him about it, just had pics on Facebook) and doesn’t seem upset. He said he didn’t want to lose me as a friend when he dumped me, but neither of us have made an effort to be in contact since.

    Is now a good time to try and reach out? Is it possible that after being rejected he’ll realize the grass isn’t greener? Or is it too soon?

    Reply
    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      I’ve done a lot for myself since the breakup. I bought my own place, took up sailing, travelled…

      When I saw him at a party two months ago I ignored him completely and when I left he tried to yell bye at me, but I pretended not to hear. I tried being a little more friendly last time, but I’m still not sure how he feels about me. He might think I hate him :/. Or I may just be reading too far into the few signs there are from him.

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi Amanda,

      he will only realize the grass is not greener if he sees that you’re actually better or the attitude of the girl is worse..

      that’s good that you have improved a lot.. I think it’s time to slowly build rapport now.. be that great girl that he has fun with and yet isnt demanding because she has her own life.. so that he wont think you’re the same as before..

      let him be the one to confess and ask for you back. Let him think you’re not being friendly to get him back and just continue being amazing on your own and making every time with him amazing

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      Is it okay to ask him if he’d like to catch up sometime and apologize for being cold before? Or should I wait till his birthday to send him a light-hearted, fun message and hope he replies?

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      hmmm.. the apology would be better if it’s done in person when he’s in the best mood.. I think the birthday message is a better option

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      Thanks, Amor! I was making myself crazy all week about this and you helped me out big time! You’re a lifesaver! <3

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      You made me feel good too! Thank you!

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      So, his birthday’s on Wednesday and I of course already thought of what I should send him. Here’s what I have:

      Hey there, happy 24th!
      – Here I’m attaching a funny happy birthday video referencing one of our old inside jokes –
      In all seriousness though happy birthday. I just wanted to say I’m thinking of you, I hope you have an awesome day today and that everything’s been good with you. Miss ya.

      I don’t know whether to close it by admitting that I miss him, or if I should say anything along the lines of “I hope I see you around sometime” since it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other. Is it better to just those kinds of sentiments out of it?

    • Amanda - 0

      Amanda

      *It’s been 9 months since we last texted each other

    • Chris Seiter - 4

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      I think that message is good because it sounds more casual than saying hope to see him around sometime

  22. Angry lday - 0

    Angry lday

    Hi, so in my other thread that i can’t find you said it seems lile gigs. My question is is it a rebound also? How do i know its not a rebound. They have been talking for like 2months now, i dont know how many times they see each other sice she live so far but im guess perhaps every other weekend. But i dont know for sure. She is pretty perhaps prettier thanme idk. She is thinner and has bigger breast so the physical is there. Im sure he started talking to her shortly after he dumped me. For sure he slept with her mid july, like a monthe after the last time he and i had break up sex i guess. She is being very public that her heart /interest is for him and wants evryone to know, like i said in other thtlread she pu his full name plus a heart on her profile. He has not done that yet. I am about 90% sure she is going to san diego with him and his friends this weekend. Should i unfolow his friend on fb and ig? I dont want to see them together. Also if you remember my 2nd text got no response, and i am supposed to text again this thursday or friday. Should i text thirsday before he goes to san diego or wait till next week when he gets back? Or do this weekendwhen he is in san diego and she might be there? And i was going to text him that his fave band is going to do show that i wasnt sure if he saw it? Is that interesting eenough to get a response?

    Reply
    • Angry lday - 0

      Angry lday

      Im still not sure about this, if it is gigs or rebound or both. He had posted on 8/12 a post about forgiveness, that somepeople dont know true forgiveness and that he knows people in particular who say they forgive but they dont forget but thats not true forgiveness and that it affects how they treat people closes to them and hur those people… im pretty sure meant me in that also. But the picture below his words said that “i forgive you not for you but me, and i let go of all” something like that again prob about me. He broke it off really feeling like i pushed him to that. Again i apologize for my mistakes but i wasnt the only making them and i never gav up on him when he made those mistakes. Ireally need help on if i shoyld text him before he goes oto san diego for his friends bday, while he is there or like monday when he gets back? Again this girl with prob be there. Also is letting him know about his fave band being in concert a good text “did yo know your band is out here next month? And send him info. And do you think this girl is gigs and rebound or just gigs?

  23. archie - 0

    archie

    hi.
    You’re the acquaintance..am i right?

    ok.about me. its been 5 months since my breakup. We brokeup because after a series of events he said he cannot trust me anymore. and he said i dont exist for him anymore and bocked me everywhere- whatsapp, facebook n everywhere. He wouldnt come to meet me nor talk to his friends about me. He said he really hates me. And i am his 3rd girlfriend. He similarly ended previous 2 relationships like cut all contacts all of a sudden and expects them to move on. But he said i was special and unlike his previous girlfriends , but now he has lost all love for me. I was devastated hearing this. So the first whole month i spend calling and tring to make him meet me, Wrote him hate letters and sorry letters, but he wouldnt budge. Half through second month i decided to move on but i so badly wanted a response from him so i made a fake account in fb and started talking to him. He somehow found out its me and unfriended me. 2 months later, i send him a whatsapp letter, and in the meantime i stayed active in the whatsapp group we had together with our friends, posting happy pictures etc. but still i was blocked. last month, i.e 2 months after i last tried contacting him, i picked up all my courage to finally send him a letter on all our beautiful moments and how grateful i was for everything he taughtme and loved me and cared for me. He unblocked me and said those were some beautiful words and it did make his day. That was it. the respose to my 4- page letter. Since then i’ve been on no contact, but once in a while i do post funny stuff in the common group and other members respond positively. its been a month since the letter and still he hasnt contacted me. i really want him to talk to me. what should i do now.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      HI Archie,

      I’ll be honest with you ok.. he probably thinks your that girl that is so crazy about him and won’t stop chasing him. That’s an attraction killer… if you really want him to reach out, you have to aim to be the ungettable girl. check this post out: The Ungettable Girl

  24. T - 0

    T

    Hello, first of all, the “acquaintance” is probably, you, Brad, am I correct? After 4 years, you found your now-wife, and you guys are happily married ever after. This is my guess!

    Now back to my situation…I have been in a 3 years relationship with a boyfriend who may or may not be have GIGS. He is a hairstylist, very popular with women (I knew this even before we got together). However, just like you Brad, although he is very attractive, he is also very loyal at the same time, he would never cheat, heck he wouldn’t even talk to any random girls (unless they were coworkers or customers). Anyways, all of his relationships in the past didn’t end well, not long either, vary from a few months to maybe half a year usually. I am his most serious and longest relationship, I get along with his family and friends (even his ex-girlfriends spoke highly of me when they heard about us dating, and they said that I was the right girl for him). I don’t want to be arrogant, of course I had my ‘needy/clingy’ side, of course we had fights, but I believe I have been very sweet, patient, and understanding throughout all these years, and that I knew I was a perfect girlfriend (and wifey material) for him (things I’ve done could become a long list so I’ll skip that part).
    Not sure if he was a commitment-phobe, GIGS, and/or he is a very stubborn man, but that was really how we broke up 2 months ago. It was out of the blue…I even completed 30 days no contact, but he didn’t even respond to my first text. (It wasn’t even a pointless text) I believe I’ve done everything correctly…but I’m just so lost right now.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi T,

      sorry for the late reply.. you said he is a Gigs case? how did you know? was there another woman? and why did he say not to find him? why, where did he go? During the 30 days, did you start to improve yourself and were active in social media?

  25. Confused girl. n - 0

    Confused girl. n

    Hi!
    I have a few questions about this article.
    1. What’s the difference in The grass is greener syndrome and rebound? My 3 year ex boyfriend broke up with me two months ago because we were fighting a lot and said we were different people (actually we are not). A month and a half later he started dating causally this girl he was flirty with when we were dating. He swore to me he didn’t left me for her and that he didn’t do anything with her when he were together. She’s just so different from me, and in a few ways a lot lot different from him. However, a few friends say that he might be inlove with her. And I don’t know if that’s even possible, it is?
    2. How can I know how high is the bar? I mean, we fought a lot, but he was my everything and I was always with him, supporting him. There was a point the last few months that he could only sleep when he was with me. I thought everything was ok.
    3. There is a way to set the bar higher after a break up? I mean like becoming the ungettable girl and show him how better things can be, because yes, a lot had to be improved. But I don’t know if that’s a way of setting the bar higher.
    4. Is a grass greener syndrome when he starts dating a girl with different beliefs as the ones he has? When she’s completely different from me and when she cannot give him a serious relationship as the one we had? Are those signs of rebound?
    Hope you can help me. Thank you in advance.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      Hi,

      Rebound means suddenly having a relationship to get over the breakup.. sometimes the chosen girl can be Gigs for him too because he thinks she’s better than you and could potentially help him to move on

      but if it’s a Gig first, he would leave you for her because he saw she was better than you..

      2) We can’t be exactky sure how he set your relationship but gauge it from how you think the relationahip went overall and also what caused the
      breakup…

      3) I’m not sure I understood your question right but when you improve yourself, and he sees you again, he’ll see you in a different light.. and it’s more effective if he sees you after the honeymoon period of his current relationship..

  26. Anon - 0

    Anon

    Hey Chris, my ex and I had been dating for 8 months. It was a LDR. 7 months he was very strong about the distance and loved me a lot. We were doing good. In the 8th month, he decided to suddenly break up with me. His excuse was that distance was hard and him not seeing me was hurting him. And that he was going thru stress and financial problems. He said he wanted someone physically there for him. He did start talking to this one girl so this is why I think he has the GIGS. I am starting the NC rule. Also, I believe I was a great gf. I even gave him money and he told me that no one would have done that for me. Idk what to do, this is very hard to deal with. I am going to do the NC rule and hope he realizes that he lost his better. I set the bar high, I am sure of that. What is your insight?

    Reply
  27. krazy love - 0

    krazy love

    The GIGS theory makes alot of sense. I didn’t set the bar very high in my first relationship and he never came back. However I learnt and with my last ex I was thoughtful, adventurous, kind…he wasn’t used to this…in fact maybe he preferred bitches because he stayed with them longer than me who treated him right. I don’t want to brag but his ex wasn’t as pretty as me and was a bitch so I don’t get it. Anyway my question about GIGS is, do you think guys can realise the grass isn’t greener as soon as experiencing first dates with others? Or its not that sudden. I believe hes an idiot for letting me go and has set unrealistic standards for a partner.

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I think it’s not sudden.

      I think it can take some time.

  28. Emma - 0

    Emma

    Hi Chris,
    I think your advice on this side is amazing. Hope you have the time to answer.

    My ex broke up with me a week ago. We have been dating for 5 years. We were both just 16 years old when we started so we were each others first real love.
    He still liked me but my boyfriend felt that he needed to feel what it was like not to be in a relationship since he had never really experienced it. He also said that he hadn’t really missed me the last 1-2 weeks and that he wish he didn’t feel like this.
    When he broke up with me it was almost too nice. He cried a bit and he said that he felt so weird and would miss me and think of me and he started talking about the first time we kissed. He broke it off any way.
    I really don’t want it to be over. I thought we had the potential to be together for the rest of our lives. We really had a great relationship.
    I have been doing the no contact for 4 days now and I planned on going for 30 days.
    He has expressed several times during out time together that he need to try to be alone before he can be with me ‘forever’. I think it is a commitment problem since we are only 21.
    So my problem is that I don’t know if he will be ready to get back together after just a month. He did break up with me because he needed to be alone and I think that he needs to try this to become more mature and appreciate the relationship. Should I try anyway? And when would be the right time? I really don’t want to loose him.

    Thank you so much for the great advise!

    Reply
    • Mikey - 0

      Mikey

      Hi Emma, I am a male but just had the same exact situation with my girlfriend. last week, she broke up with me out of the blues after 4 years and having bought a house together. I’m sure I was so loyal to her, so I think she won’t find the grass greener. I wish you will be replied from someone so at least I can read as well 🙂 How did your story end up?

    • Anon - 0

      Anon

      Hi Emma,
      I’m going through the same thing right now. We were together for almost 7 years, since my sophomore year of high school. We were each other’s first everything. We began as friends, then best friends, and then a couple, while remaining best friends. Our relationship was never boring, but about 2 years ago, I experienced a life changing event with my eyes. It made me so emotional and dependent on him, but he got closer to his gaming as a stress relief since I was becoming “too much.” Last year, he went on a trip when his grandpa died, we had a fight, and he found a rebound girlfriend. He admit it was a mistake, but it wasn’t right of me to sabotage it. Prior to the official breakup (2 weeks ago), he said he just wasn’t that happy anymore, and felt that way for a while (little over 6 months). He wouldn’t give me a chance, especially when I said everything would get better once my eye complication journey is just about to end. He didn’t like that I had trust issues & was angered easily, but I was always faithful, supportive, loyal, and committed. He said the fights and our history was too messed up. I believe he had GIGS. But I can only hope that he could get passed all our fights, and realize through his future relationships, that he had the right one at his first try… I also can’t imagine a future without him, my first love.

  29. Milly - 0

    Milly

    Hello Chris, my ex husband of 10 years and I broke up a year ago. I left to another state for 3 months and when I came back he had already started a relationship with someone. I Am not sure what it is or if he is over me. He says he is he says he is happy. So now we are on no contact again. We just went to court because we have a daughter and it was ok until the 2nd visit went sour. So now we will be returning to court for modifications on the court order. He now lives with his girlfriend moved in with her 2 weeks after starting this relationship. I know her through mutual friends as well so does my 7 year old daughter. I am really numb about the whole thing. I know my decision to leave was the best one. He proved to be weak and therefore I don’t want him anyway. He didn’t fight for the family or the relationship which leads me to believe he was never in love with me. But my question to you is how is it possible for him to be living already for the past 10 months with someone. I have dated already just recently but I cannot think of living with someone else at this moment. I am still very much in love with him but I have let it go. If you love something let it go if it comes back to you it is yours if it doesn’t then it never was. So I have basically moved on without moving on. I would like to reconcile maybe one day but I am also not pondering at all about it. I am working on myself. And I I feel great. I know this GIGS will be a very good lesson for him. I wasn’t the best but I know I was very good to him. I was hand and foot with this man. I mean I stopped at the end before I left because it was unbearable his verbal abuse in front of the children. And I also warned him. Well so hope you are well. And thank you for letting me write to you.

    Reply
  30. Barbara Hill - 0

    Barbara Hill

    I think the guy you were refering to in your last comment was yourself.

    Reply
  31. JC Ann - 0

    JC Ann

    Hi Chris! I am an avid fan of exboyfriendrecovery and I’ve been reading most of your topics that is related with my situation. I had a boyfriend of 2 years and 2 months. Everything was great during our first year. There are fights and misunderstandings but we were able to surpassed it. After our first anniversary everything changed. It seems like he’s beginning to become a completely different person. During our 1st year we live together but after our anniversary which was during summer I had to move out because he will go back to school and study college again. When he started studying, he began to take me for granted. It seems like he discovered a new world full of girls who ran after him. He’s a basketball player and quiet popular in his school and with girls. Because of that he became distant from day to day and I became too needy because he’s not texting me anymore unlike before. We constantly fight because I felt that he’s cheating on me. One day he broke up with me because he said he felt like he’s trapped and he doesn’t have a freedom. So I let him go, after a week I learned that he’s dating someone else from his school. After I learned about that, that’s when I discovered your site and started doing the no contact. I started enjoying and dating another guy. When he learned that I’m dating another guy, he came back to me immediately and I forgave him and accepted him back. We went on with our relationship but the problem is he’s not changing. He’s still flirting with a lot of girls online and he denied me with every girl that he’s flirting with. He told them that were not together anymore and I’m just an ex chasing him. I’ve also heard that he’s been meeting some girls that he flirted with. Last week he broke up with me because he said that I was too needy and he wants to be free. He wants to forget me. So I let him go but I’m really hurting because I really love him and I don’t want to lose him. Now I’ve heard that again he’s courting someone from his school. But then again I also learned that he’s flirting with other girls too. I don’t know what to do Chris. I was so faithful to him during our relationship. We might fight most of the time but I never failed to care for him. To serve him and give him my best. I sacrificed so much for him but he never appreciated it. He even never asked sorry everytime he denies me with the girls that he’s flirting with. I really don’t know what to do. I still love him so much. 🙁 please help me. ?

    Reply
    • JC Ann - 0

      JC Ann

      And also it’s been two week and he said that I should move on and if it could help me, he wants me to contact those guys that he’s jealous before. Is it really the end of our relationship? Has he really moved on with the girl he likes from his school? It’s only been 2 weeks? Can he really move on that fast? 🙁 help me please. 🙁

    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      It’s likely its a rebound relationship.

    • Jc Ann sotelo - 0

      Jc Ann sotelo

      It’s been two weeks since I started the no contact and I haven’t heard anything from him. I’m afraid he moved on already. And me, I’m also like starting to lose hope. But I don’t miss him like how I missed him before. I’m okay not having him and I’m enjoying my life being with my friends and family. I still think of him but not so much. I could easily distract myself when I think about him. Do you think I’ve moved on already?

  32. Catherine - 0

    Catherine

    Hi Chris, firstly your words have been amazingly helpful to me in the last 24 Hours. And it’s been just over 24 hours since we broke up. I have read your ebook and I think I know my plan of action. I’ll try and keep this short! Sorry though it probably won’t be. I think my bf has a case of the GIGS, actually I’m pretty certain he does. We’ve been together 5 years and we hit it off straight away, we are like 2 peas in a pod. In my opinion I don’t think you can find two more compatible people. I think I’ve set the bar pretty high also. Over the last while, maybe about 9 months, things have been really hard for both of us. He has an extreme amount of work on his plate, basically running 2 companies. I’ve been trying to set up my own company but it’s been really difficult and its definitely effecting my self esteem. Because we were both working so hard, we barely had time for each other and we lost our spark. In this time, a woman he met started coming on to him, on the basis that they were friends, (she’s married) he never told me about this relationship, he kept it to himself, it wasn’t until I came across it by accident that I found out about it. At this point, it was very flirty and she was sending him pictures, but nothing sexual. This is when I realised we were in a really bad place and I make a huge effort to get us back on track. I confronted him about the woman and he insisted that nothing had happened. I trust him on that. We really talked about it and he was starting to make more of an effort with me, he stopped texting her as much. It came out then that he was having loads of doubts about our relationship and that he didn’t know if he could commit to me or support me and didn’t know if we were compatible. He was worried that his willingness to strike up an inappropriate relationship with someone he barely knew meant to him that he didn’t want to be in one. We talked about it and I said I think a lot of what’s going on is to do with his stresses at work and him having to much on his plate and that if he wanted to take some time out he could. He came to the decision that he didn’t want space and he was going to work on us and things that were causing us problems. He came back and made tons of effort, he was being really good and not really texting her all that much. I had said that if he wanted to be friends with the woman, he needed to be open and honest about it and I needed to meet her. He said that he felt a lot better about us after about a week. Things were going ok. Then the woman came back and this time she wanted to meet up with him, she create a situation that he couldn’t really refuse. A chance to drive a very fast car. Something that I’m also hughly into. He told me this and as much as I didn’t want him to meet up with her, I didn’t want to hold him back. He told her that he’d love if I could be involved, but it didn’t work out that I could. So on the day that they met up, it so happened to coincide with me have 2 extremely bad days. Where I was over emotional, over tired and really down. It didn’t help that on top of this their texting had started again because of them meeting up. I got really paranoid and stressed out and angry and I gave him an ultimatum (I’m pretty sure I just heard you sigh) I know stupid mistake. But I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked him to completely stop texting her, that I wanted her gone. He brought up the fact that he had doubts and I said he needed to make a decision. He chose to break up. He left we really didn’t talk about anything else, I rang him afterwards really upset and we talked a little bit but he seemed pretty final about it all. He was also being really hard on himself, saying he was an asshole and he’d only do again and that he couldn’t appreciate love given to him or given by him, also the usual fillers, you deserve better, I can’t give you what you need. Since then we haven’t talked, but he is yet to come back and move out because it’s been a day. I really regret giving him the ultimatum and a part of me wants to try and fix it all when he gets back. And another part of me wants to do the NC and make him realise what he has lost. Make him come to his senses, but I’m so afraid that he’ll take a really long time to realise that. I’m sure you won’t get to see this in time, as there will be so many other women in my situation wanting advice. So I have a question about your ebook. In the part where where your taking the initiative to ask him out, the “I was just in the neighbourhood” do you consider that to be a first date? Or is that just a casual meeting and there should be a proper first date? Secondly, do you have any advice about what to do when you do get back together, how to remain a certain amount of UG? So that you don’t fall into that same trap? (I think there is a another ebook right there) Again thank you!! ps: another ebook would be the one of how to get your relationship back on track when it’s going bad. I really could have done with that!

    Reply
    • Chris Seiter - 0

      Chris Seiter

      I just finished writing “the texting bible” a comprehensive guide of text messages but am always looking to add more ebooks.

  33. naaz - 0

    naaz

    Hi Chris.
    I am on my 10th Day of NC. My ex blocked me everywhere and found a new girlfriend(itz not a rebound). He flirts with many and planning date with the current girl. I dont see him interested in me. He is like feed my ego person. he always run behind girls. What can make a boy love u again and commit to u. When he completely doesn’t want u and ignores u and dont need any committed relation. Therez no care no love no affection. How can u make someone urz. He showed me his love only for 1st 3 months and then it was all fights and arguments which now had turned into a complete break up. can u ever make someone love u back and get commit. What makes this type of personality (ffeed my ego) make urz & love back.
    m sorryyy m in a situation wer it hurts to loose him. Coz everything was good and then everything messed up.
    plz help

    Reply
  34. Sena - 0

    Sena

    That’s you finding the greener grass(your wife).

    Reply
  35. Bee - 0

    Bee

    The aquaintance was you?!

    Reply
  36. Angela - 0

    Angela

    I think it was you !

    Reply
  37. Heartbroken - 0

    Heartbroken

    It was you! You’re the acquaintance. 🙂

    Reply
  38. Beth - 0

    Beth

    Was it your father?

    Reply
  39. Kristen - 0

    Kristen

    Hi there,

    I am very confused. My boyfriend just broke up with me after three years, living together for two of those years. First year and a half was great, we were perfect and then it started to crumble a bit. The daily chores of dishes, laundry, shopping crept up and he pretty much hated having to be an adult. We are both now 24 years old. We both work full time and I expected everything having to be done as an equal part. The less he did the more I nagged therefore the more we fought. We began bickering so much that that we just drifted further and further apart but didn’t want to break up. February of this year he announced that he wanted to move home and live seperately from me. He started distancing himself and acting really cold. Lying, talking bad about me and excluding me all while telling me we would be okay. Not to mention he booked a trip without me, behind my back on Valentine’s Day. We were to move out at the end of April, and for that whole month he was kind and loving. Then we moved and he asked for a two week break, then after the break he was ignoring me which made me feel needy and desperate which drove him away. He then ended our relationship on what would’ve been our three year anniversary. He said he is stressed from work and stressed from the constant fighting. He loves me but he thinks we need space at least a month but no promise for the future.

    Advice? I’m trying the no contact rule out at least for the month. So far so good although I’m tempted all the time.

    Thanks.

    Reply

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