If you don’t know who I am then allow me to introduce myself. I’m Chris Seiter and I help all kinds of couples going through breakups. Now, most of the time I notice that the men and women who stumble across my little slice of heaven here at Ex Boyfriend Recovery have one goal in mind.

The want to get their exes back.

Of course, over the years I’ve researched exactly what works and doesn’t work with regards to that.

Nevertheless, I’m always getting questions like: “what kind of chance do I have of getting my ex back,” or “tell me exactly what to do,” yet the question they really should be asking is:

Can I create a new and better relationship IF I get my ex back?

After all, what’s the point of getting your ex back if you just keep repeating the same breakup cycle?

So today, we’re going to be exploring if breaking up can actually be good for your relationship if you get your ex back and what you should be doing to create that new and better relationship.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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Can Breaking Up Actually Be A Good Strategy To Get An Ex Back?

Now I’m not going to beat around the bush here – breaking up with your ex CAN actually be good for your relationship.

I don’t think there’s any doubt in that, so the more interesting question to me is how often do exes who get back together actually stay together?

One of the things I’m most proud of about my program, website, podcast, or Youtube channel is that we actually have so many different success stories willing to be interviewed and share their experiences.

I can pick apart their situations and figure out exactly what works (and what doesn’t!).

What’s also really interesting is that when we have this amount of success stories (people who get their exes back) who stay in contact with us, we can actually see if they stay together for the long term.

Our research has consistently shown that about half of couples who get back together will break up again within the first three months.

Why are couples breaking up again so often, and so quickly?

The first and most obvious reason is that the issues from the first breakup haven’t resolved themselves.

In other words, history continues to repeat itself, and then you enter this on-again-off-again situation.

The question is no longer if you can get your ex back but if you can keep that relationship going.

I set out to find the key differences between relationships that last in these situations that don’t, and these are the key findings of how to keep relationships going:

Finding # 1: It Takes Two To Tango

The goal of getting back with your ex is to create a new and better relationship than your first time around.

Naturally, it takes two people to actually be engaged and willing to make the changes necessary for that new relationship to survive.

Now my clients are almost always ready to implement changes in themselves or their relationships, but their exes are a whole other story. Getting your ex on board is essential to keeping a relationship strong, but how exactly do you do that?

Prime your ex before you get back together.

This means that before you actually agree to get back together, you must first talk about the fact that you don’t want history to repeat itself. You need to set realistic expectations and explain that you’re ready to put in the work, but they need to be willing to put the work in as well.

Taking help from a trusted outside source who can nudge your ex to put in more effort

More often than not, when you are told something by someone you love but are around all the time, you tend to kind of tune their advice out. On the other hand, when an outside source that you trust but don’t spend as much time with tells you the exact same thing, you pay more attention. You put more thought into what they say and might realize, “maybe I do need to put in more effort into this relationship.”

So, if talking to your ex directly doesn’t fix the situation, don’t be afraid to engage a mutual friend for help.

Finding # 2: Create New Firsts Together

Stop me if you’ve heard this before.

You and your ex were together for three years; you think you know everything there is to know about each other.

You’ve had so many first experiences together that eventually, it becomes difficult to add any spontaneity or adventure into your relationship.

This is when your relationship just seems robotic because you’re doing the same thing over and over again. Some people might be okay with this, but most are not. This brings me to one of my favorite concepts to talk about:

The ratio of stability and mystery in a relationship and how we need to balance both to have a relationship.

It’s a paradox, though, isn’t it? You can’t be stable and mysterious at the same time.

That’s why its best to look at this in percentages.

Some people prefer 60% stability in relationships and 40% adventure while some people might like 60% adventure and 40% stability.

The point is that if you haven’t created new firsts together or changed things up a bit, that can be a contributing problem to cause another breakup.

I’ve long been on record saying that shared first experiences with a partner bonds people closer together than anything.

An analogy I like to use is when you watch a great movie for the first time, everything is going to be more potent when you experience the emotions the movie is trying to evoke.

Now, if you really love the movie, you might rewatch it.

You’ll know what’s about to happen, but it’ll still be fun… until one time it just isn’t the same as it used to be.

Shared first experiences with your ex/partner feel the same way. If you have had that experience with them already, it’s possible to want that experience again. Still, it won’t carry the same level of emotional vulnerability and excitement as finding something new that you can experience together for the very first time.

Finding # 3: Hit The Gratitude Ratio

Psychologists consistently use one word to describe the quality that keeps stable relationships alive and standing: Gratitude.

Showing gratitude towards someone you’re with allows them to appreciate the relationship that they’re in.

So what is the gratitude ratio that I just mentioned?

It’s something we came up with to describe the ratio of kind acts versus unkind acts that you need to strive for in your relationship.

The ideal gratitude ratio is – for every 5 kind acts, you are allowed 1 unkind act.

Think of it as a bank – when you have a bank account, you want to put money into the bank account so you can save as much money as possible, but every time you’re tempted to buy something, it takes money out of the bank account.

Well, gratitude acts or kind acts kind of work in this way.

It’s like adding money into your relationship value.

Every time you get into a fight, argument, or disagreement, you’re taking money out of your shared relationship account.

What you’re always striving to do is for every five kind things you do for your ex, or for every five acts of gratitude, you are allowed to have one argument, disappointment, or unkind act.

I know this sounds easy in theory, but it’s actually much harder to keep track of acts of gratitude or kindness in your daily life. That’s why I recommend that if my clients get their exes back, they make a game out of this, so both them and their ex keep a tally of the kind acts they do for each other. That way, they have something to look back at together at the end of the day. This encourages reciprocity for kind acts and also makes them realize your value more.

Finding #4: Identify The Hidden Thoughts They Are Too Afraid To Say

Now this ultimately boils down to listening.

Listening allows you to get your ex to open up more than you would even realize.

But how do you let your ex know that you’re truly listening to them and are open to understanding their point of view?

Well the best way to do this is to label their hidden emotions.

Let’s say that you think you know what your ex is thinking. Perhaps he’s upset about an argument you had. Most people never really address arguments and just kind of sweep them under the rug.

You need to make sure that if you get back with your ex, you get in the habit of pointing out and labeling what you believe they’re thinking so they can clarify whether that’s actually going on in their mind.


As a more targeted example, let’s say you and your ex fight (in your new and hopefully better relationship) because your ex was insecure about how many men are hitting on you.

Of course, it isn’t your fault that men are hitting on you, but your ex’s feelings are still valid, and you need to let him know that.

The best way to do it is to label exactly what he’s thinking and how you can empathize with him.

Simple words like “Look, I know you feel anxious about the fact that all these guys are hitting on me, but I want to let you know that you’re the only one for me. I only have eyes for you” can make a world of difference.

I know it sounds too simple and good to be true, but sometimes that’s really all it takes for your ex to open up to you. He needs to feel heard and reassured because that will make him stay more involved in keeping your relationship strong.

Conclusion:

A breakup can be good for a relationship if you can ensure the following in your new (and improved) relationship:

  1. Get him on the same page as you when it comes to making efforts to keep the relationship strong
  2. Create new firsts together
  3. Hit the perfect 5 – 1 gratitude ratio
  4. Identify their hidden thoughts and validate them

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7 thoughts on “Can A Breakup Be Good For Your Ex?”

  1. Avatar

    Kat

    August 20, 2020 at 10:44 am

    I am feeling unsure about my on-again off-again relationship, and this is just what I needed to read. I can only control my 50%, which is making me anxious (what is he thinking???) so these positive actions I can take are great. Plus working on my Trinity… Thanks.

  2. Avatar

    S

    August 18, 2020 at 8:54 pm

    I was with my ex for 9 months, the first 5 months were perfect, we were so in love, he was a perfect gentleman. He asked a lot of questions about my past which I wasn’t comfortable answering so didn’t answer honestly. He found out that I hadn’t been honest and since then his insecurities have been out of control, we have a few good weeks then he gets back to being insecure wanting to know everywhere I have been, every detail of conversations I’ve had, checks my phone daily, checks my locations, even looking through conversations from my past with ex’s and friends. The final straw was when he became insecure about my working relationships and placed a recording device in my work bag and we broke up. He has agreed to get help and has been referred for mental health support. I have suggested we have no contact for a while. We still deeply love each other and I dont know if I can give up on that despite my family telling me never to go back and that they have been worried about me for a while because I am a shadow of my former self. Do you think we can get over this? What advice would you give?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 8:47 pm

      Hi S, honestly, I would suggest that you consider ending the relationship until your partner / ex seeks out some therapy for their insecurities. Your PAST has nothing to do with your new relationship and it is unfair for them to use it against you in anyway. Your partner is showing some serious control issues and I would say that you should consider walking away. Your comment if full of red flags and my suggestion is that you walk away!

  3. Avatar

    niki

    August 11, 2020 at 11:43 am

    Hi I would like some insight from the experts in my situation, my bf of over 2 years left me about 2 and half weeks ago, we have a soon to be 6 month old baby together. Things started going downhill when the baby came, I was pulling him in and he was pushing me away , I felt I had all the responsibility, as he just wanted to be out with friends and drinking. So the day came where he left after “thinking” about it for a week ( I gave him all the space to think about it) , anyways, I heard he started texting another girl who he was once interested in , I believe he could have started texting her in the “space” period (however he tries to hide this from, doesn’t want me to know). His family and friends are all against his actions as they they he needs to be with me and our baby and work things out. he seems confused, I asked once or twice in beginning if he wanted to work it out and he said “I dont know”, I have been giving him space again and doing LC because of our baby. we have to see eachother everyday because his mom takes care of the baby while we work, so there are always pick up and drop offs. he texts me , sends pics of the baby when he is with him, he has recently started to speak of some personal things in his life…. are these signs he is thinking about it or is it in my head? Also he has never came and gotten his clothes and belongings from my home, and his friends ask him sometimes about me and he says “I dont know well see” HELP PLEASE! I love your blog!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 2, 2020 at 8:42 pm

      Hi Niki, him talking to you about things that hes feeling or thinking is not a sign that he wants to come back, but it is a sign that he feels he can talk to you. Which isnt a bad thing, but you want him to fear that he could lose you. Now you say that you are following a limited no contact because of your child, but this is not the case if your conversations are more than, collection or drop off times, and then her health in emergency cases. There is no reason for you to talk more than this. work the Ungettable information and then show him what he is losing by not being with you. If there is another woman in the picture then you are going to have to follow a 45 day limited NC

  4. Avatar

    Niki

    August 10, 2020 at 10:36 am

    Hi EBR team,
    I would like some insight if possible. My ex of two years broke up with me officially july 26. We have a beautiful 5 month old baby boy. We were arguing alot lately because i would try to pull him in and he would push me away, started staying out late with his friends and dodging his responsabilities at home. He seemed torn to make a decision but decided it was better to go. I let him go, but my heart is aching. To make it worse, i heard he was texting another girl ( who i believe he could have started texting right before he broke up with me and also might have led to this decision.) I have remained in LC because of our child, and unfortunately pretty much have to see him everyday as he lives close and his mother takes care of our baby while we both work, so there are always pick ups and drop offs. I wanted some insight on what to do to get our family back, i did ask him in the beginning once or twice if this was really what he wanted to what he kept responding he wasnt sure… also he never came and got any of his belongings almost all of his clothes is at my house. I dont want to read too much into these type of signs but they do give me hope. I notice he stalks my instagram stories and he will reach out (try and make it about the baby) but with silly things….lately has been super nice, buyiing things for the baby and offering to pick him up AND drop him off… any advice! thanks a million Love your blog!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 5, 2020 at 9:27 pm

      It sounds as if he is interesting in helping with baby so make sure you allow this to happen. You haven’t mentioned how long youve been doing LC for so when it has been 30 days make sure that you start initiating and building connection with him