Welcome to Episode 34 of the Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
Wow, 34 episodes.
I am super proud that we have reached this point in the pod-cast’s lifespan.
Recently I have decided to kind of get away from the one episode per day format and go to a one episode per week format. My theory is that you guys get more out of a really high quality, in-depth podcast episode.
After all, one of the things that sets me apart is the fact that I go into much more detail than my counterparts.
Well, today we are going to turn our attention to rebound relationships.
We are going to hear from “Anonymous” who believes,
- That she was the rebound
- She dated her ex for 5 months
- When he broke up with her he went back to his ex of 3-5 years
- Wonders what kind of chance she has
Lets take a look at what was covered in this episode,
What I Talked About In This Episode
- The three main factors I look at to determine a rebound relationship
- The Grass Is Greener Syndrome (GIGS)
- The two choices anonymous has
- How to get him back if she chooses to do so
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
What You Have Going In Your Favor If YOU Are A Rebound
Below I have compiled a quick list of what you have working in your favor if you determine that you were a rebound to your ex boyfriend.
Oh, and there really isn’t a game plan in this particular episode so I am doing this instead.
Sorry if you wanted a game plan the next episode will probably have one.
He Broke Up With His Ex For A Reason
Anonymous’ ex went back to his ex.
Well, the two of them broke up for a reason and history does like to repeat itself.
Most People Don’t Have The Right Mindset Going Into A Relationship With Their Ex
The statement above pretty much says it all.
When most exes get back together they expect things to be better but the problems of the past are still there and both members of the relationship have to find a way to navigate them.
Speaking of past problems…
Lets say that anonymous’ ex was cheated on by his ex.
Well, if he gets back with his ex then that resentment is still going to be there.
This can cause problems in their relationship.
Welcome to Episode 34 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. It’s been a little while since I’ve done one of these. I may have bitten off more than I could chew with my initial plans to do three of these a week. I’ve downgraded it to one a week. But I’ve decided that every single episode is going to be longer and more in depth. The person whose question I answer will get the attention that they deserve.
On that note, my wife and I have been throwing this idea around for a little while. We are pretty keen of the idea of doing some coaching on the website. We want to take on something like 15 to 30 clients where the clients pay a monthly fee for our services. We would create a tailor made game plan for their situation. We guarantee email response every 24 hours to any question they have. We answer every question they could have in depth.
In addition to that, we’re also thinking about bundling all of the ebook offerings. One of the reasons I’m so busy lately is that I’m starting to create more products for the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand. I just finished a product on the un-gettable girl, and how to become the un-gettable girl. It’s about how to become more attractive to any man in just two weeks.
It’s a two-week training course through email. Every day, the training advances. You start off with the simplest parts of the training. As time goes on, things get more and more advanced. I just finished that up. I’m going to be offering it for $7. It’s very affordable. I’m hoping a lot of people jump on the opportunity to buy that. I will give you more information when that comes out.
There is still more to come in the pipeline. I also have plans to create what I’m going to call a texting bible. Imagine that you are trying to get your ex-boyfriend back and you’re in the middle of texting him. You are in the texting phase of the re-attraction process. You’re really struggling on what to send.
This is probably one of the most asked about questions that I get on the website. Women will ask, “Chris, what should I send in this specific situation? What can I say? How should I end the conversation?” I’ve decided to put a lot of time and effort into creating a texting bible. It’s a reference guide that you can turn to.
You can say, “In a situation where I’m trying to build attraction to an ex, these are the perfect text messages for that. In the event that he gives me some push back, these are the text messages for that.”
Any kind of texting situation you can think of, I’m trying to create a book to guide you on how to deal with all of those. It should have something like 300 to 500 text messages in there. It will be in depth and explained. It’s going to be quite a challenging process but I think I’m going to start doing that.
There is a lot of stuff going on. I’m in the middle of redoing the Sarah versus Kai case study. I’m making it more in depth and helpful for you. I want the free case study to be highly valued. That’s information that you usually have to pay for.
On the cusp of all of that, I think I’m going to be doing this coaching idea, where I take on a specific number of clients and tailor make a game plan for them. I give them the coaching that they deserve for a monthly fee. I’m not going to say that it will be the cheapest fee in the world because my time is very valuable. It will not be something like $500 a month.
I have an idea of my time value. I think a lot of people are going to jump on this opportunity so I’m a little bit frightened to do it. I’m afraid that there won’t be enough spots and I won’t have enough time to do it. I’m capping it around 15 to 30. That’s what’s been in the pipeline for Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. If you’re an avid fan or listener of this podcast, be excited.
This year is a really huge year for growth. We released a podcast this year, redid the ebook, redid the website and we’re creating more products. We have plans to increase our social presence across the world. There’s a lot changing with the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery brand.
In addition to that, I’m still trying to create content and be the same old me, the same guy who writes these 7,000 to 8,000 word guides on how to get your ex back in this or that situation. I’m really busting my butt to try and help you out. I do want to apologize for not recording these podcasts as much as I should but that’s my lame excuse.
Let’s get to today’s question. The person who asked today’s question didn’t give a name. We’re going to call her Anonymous. Her question is rather short but I’m going to expand a lot on it because it deals with an interesting topic. That topic is rebound relationships.
Let’s hear from Anonymous now:
“What if I was the rebound girl? What if you find out later that you dated for five months, he breaks up with you and gets back with his girlfriend that he dated for three to four years? I never asked him how long it’s been since they had dated. I just assumed it was a length of time. What if I’m the rebound girl?”
First, let’s recap. She’s asking about rebound relationships. She wondering, what if she was the rebound? She dated her ex-boyfriend for five months. We’ll round up to half a year. She says that he got back with his ex of three to five years. On the one hand, we have Anonymous who dated her ex-boyfriend for five months. On the other hand, her ex-boyfriend dated this other girl for three to five years. It seems like Anonymous doesn’t quite know the time frame of his relationship. Let’s split the difference and say that they dated for four years.
Her question was general about being the rebound girl. I’m going to answer the best I can. I don’t know the goal she is trying to accomplish. Let’s make a goal for her here. What should she do? Should she try to get him back or move on? That’s the goal.
Let’s start first by talking about rebound relationships. Rebound relationships are an interesting thing. A lot of people have different theories on them. I subscribe to the theory that there are three things you need to look at to determine if your ex-boyfriend is in a rebound relationship or if you were a rebound to your ex-boyfriend.
The first thing is how long you dated your ex-boyfriend. Right now, we’re focusing on Anonymous’ situation. We’re trying to figure out if she was rebound. She said she dated her ex-boyfriend for five months. That’s a decent amount of time. But it is not sufficient enough to not be a rebound.
I would say anything over a year or close to a year is bordering on not being a rebound. Five or six months is usually in that section where a rebound relationship is still possible. A lot of times, when men date women who are rebounds, they don’t necessarily want to just break up with them right away. There are some advantages that they get when having a rebound woman.
It’s an interesting dynamic. Deep down, women understand or know subconsciously that they are a rebound to this guy. The way they usually figure that out is the way they are being treated by him. One of the things that I’m always talking about on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery is the importance of making a man chase you. It also works for women, too. If a man is not getting you attention and you’re wondering why, wondering why you’re not being treated the way that you think you can be treated, what does the normal woman do?
The normal woman is going to start chasing her boyfriend to get that attention. This creates a dynamic where, instead of him chasing her, she’s chasing him and always wanting his affection. Men, being the way they are, love attention. They love affection. They love feeling like they are the greatest thing walking God’s green earth.
A rebound gives that to him. A rebound prevents him from thinking about his past relationship. He thinks he’s awesome due to his current girlfriend, even though he’s potentially using his current girlfriend on an emotional level.
Let’s get to the physical benefits of a man being in a rebound relationship. Often, women who don’t feel this intense need from the men try to overcome by having sex with the guy. They think in their minds, “If I sleep with the guy, he’s bound to have feelings.” Women attach a certain stigma to sex.
They attach a certain emotional connection to it. That’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that, a guy who is in a rebound relationship probably isn’t going to attach that same emotional stigma to it. He’s probably going to enjoy it very much but it’s not necessarily going to be enough for him to commit.
The first thing that you need to look at to figure out if you are in a rebound relationship, Anonymous, is how long you dated. Based on what you said with five to six months, I think you are in that territory where you are potentially a rebound relationship.
Let’s move on to the second thing. The second thing that you want to look at to figure out if you are in a rebound relationship is how fast he moved on. It seems like Anonymous doesn’t know this. I’m just going to tell you. Generally speaking, men do not get over relationships as fast as you think. I’m trying to think back to my very first relationship. I probably wasn’t over it for a few months. Still, I was pretty resentful. I think anytime that anyone’s resentful, they’re not truly over it. I dated the girl for nine months. It took me about three months to get over it, to where I didn’t care anymore.
Since you do not know how long it took him to move on, Anonymous, let’s go through some general guidelines about the time it takes him to move on. If he just broke up with his girlfriend and, a week later meets and starts dating you, you are definitely in that rebound territory. If he broke up with his girlfriend, and a year later meets you, then you are not in rebound territory. A year should be more than enough for a four-year relationship. A year should be enough for him to move on, be alone and gain hold of his feelings to a certain extent.
There is one asterisk I have to put by this. Let’s say he was married for 25 years. He’s probably not going to get over that in a year. After being married that long, he probably wants some freedom, too. It would probably take him a longer time. I think there is a correlation to how long he has been to his ex-girlfriend and how long it takes him to fully get over the relationship. However long it takes him to get over his relationship usually plays a factor in the rebound issue.
The longer that he’s in a relationship with a girl, the longer it will take him to get over the girl. In order for you not to be a rebound, he has to be fully over that woman. Some men are different. Some men jump from relationship to relationship and never have a really long-term relationship. I guess that’s another issue entirely.
The second factor that we’re looking at here is how fast he moved on. Unfortunately, Anonymous, you do not know that.
Let’s move onto the third factor. The third factor is how long he dated her. I talked a little bit about this just a second ago. It is important how long he dated his ex. The longer he dates his ex, the longer it will take him to get over the relationship. That’s just the way it works.
Ideally, in a perfect world, he only dated his ex for two months and you dated him for six months. Then you are probably not a rebound. But if he dated his ex for six years and he dated you for six months, then you probably are a rebound.
When we look at all these factors, Anonymous, based on everything that you said, even though one of the factors is missing completely, I will say that you are definitely at risk of being a rebound relationship. That’s definitely possible. It seems like, after you two broke up, he immediately ran back to his ex-girlfriend. That tells me that he was thinking about his ex-girlfriend while in your relationship or that he trusted her enough to help with the pain.
I’d like to switch gears here and talk about the grass is greener syndrome. The grass is greener syndrome and the rebound relationship goes hand in hand. This is how the grass is greener syndrome works. A guy starts dating a girl. He compares this new girl to his old girlfriend. If the old girlfriend was better, that’s going to make her more attractive.
He’ll be more likely to come back. If the new girlfriend is better, he’s going to be more un-attracted to his old girlfriend and be more likely to stay. The grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. It seems like, in this case Anonymous, you struck out here. When I usually talk about the grass is greener syndrome, I talk about women using it to their advantage.
Leverage your old relationship with him to your advantage. But it seems like you’re on the opposite end of the spectrum here. It seems like he was with you and potentially got the grass is greener syndrome about his ex-girlfriend. He wanted to go back. I would not say that you need to be depressed over this.
What I’d like to talk to you about now is the error of his ways. Right now, you’re faced with an opportunity. You’re faced with a crossroads. There are two things you can do. You can either try to get him back or move on. Let’s talk about getting him back since I know that’s probably what you’re more interested in. Then I’ll talk about moving on after that.
In order to get him back, he needs to break up with his ex-girlfriend. The one positive that you can take out of this situation, Anonymous, is that, in my experience, the work doesn’t stop just trying to get an ex back. It also has to go into maintaining the relationship. I am more qualified than probably a lot of people to tell you this. A lot of times, when people get back together, they end up breaking up again.
That’s due to a number of reasons, which I’m about to list. The first one is that they did break up for a reason. He and his ex-girlfriend did break up for a reason. History often repeats itself. I don’t know if you know this, but the part of your brain that is triggered when you go through a breakup is the part of the brain that’s active in a cocaine addict. Essentially, when you break up, you’re going through a withdrawal period where you want your ex back. Men have the same brains as women. They’re going to get the same type of cocaine-type experience after a breakup.
Let’s hypothetically say that, after his breakup with his ex, he started getting these withdrawal symptoms. He dated you but this withdrawal symptom did not go away. Eventually, after he broke up with you, he went back to his ex. The part of the brain that is triggered is also the part of the brain that is triggered in cocaine addicts.
When he gets back with his ex, eventually, his brain is going to mellow out. He’s going to default to his normal setting. How he felt initially in the relationship with his ex is eventually what he’s probably going to arrive at again. It sounds weird, I know I’m talking about cocaine.
The cocaine part of his brain is going to deactivate a little bit. He’s going to mellow out. Once he mellows out, he’s going to default back to that original setting he had and the original problem that caused the breakup in the first place. It’s entirely likely that he could get back with his ex and then history is going to repeat itself again.
The underlying issue behind their breakup is not going to go away. That’s one of the things you have in your favor for them to potentially break up. He could potentially run back to you.
Many people don’t have the right mindset going in. When people get back with their ex, they expect that they’re just going to pick up right where they left off. They want things to be like they were before. There is a flaw there. A breakup is one of the most emotionally troubling experiences that you can go through as a human being. You don’t just forgive and forget that. A lot of people think that when they get back together, they’ll pick up where they left off, but it never is.
The most successful people at holding relationships together when they get back with their exes are the people who come in with this mindset of, “I’m going to create a new and better relationship.” They don’t try to pick up where they left off. Part of the problem with picking up where you left off in a past relationship is the fact that the past relationship failed. Why would you want to pick up where you left off in a failing relationship? No. Something needs to change. Albert Einstein once said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result every time. It is insane to think that you’re going to get back with your ex, do the same things, and it’s going to be all good. No. It’s insane to think that.
You need to change something up. When a lot of people get back together, they don’t have the right mindset. It takes two to tango in a relationship. Both of you have to be in agreement on this mindset. You have to really work hard on this relationship. Something tells me that he’s not going to do that.
The other thing you have going in your favor here is the past resistance of his relationship. Obviously past problems in a relationship don’t go away. Cheating comes to mind here. If he was cheated on by his ex-girlfriend and he dated you and then comes back to her, it’s not like his resentment for that cheating will magically disappear. The sins of the past are still probably following him around. He’s holding on to these resentments. I think that could also work against him and his ex.
When it comes to getting him back, Anonymous, if this is the path you want to go down, time is your best asset here. Move on without moving on. With that, I want to switch gears here and talk about moving on. Like I said, you are at a crossroads. You have two decisions. You can either try to get him back or you can move on. It’s really simple.
What I like to do is propose a theory that merges the two. Obviously you want him back. But if you really want to get him back, sometimes the best way to do that is to move on. Like I said, for all the reasons I listed, they broke up for a reason and history repeats itself. Most people don’t have the right mindset going in. There is the past resentment of the sins of the past.
All of these reasons are headwinds that he and his ex-girlfriend have to overcome. There is a lot of history there. The fact that there’s a lot of history and it didn’t work out doesn’t bode well for them. It takes a special person to really hold things together. Something has to change this time around for them.
When you look at it like that, sitting on the sidelines and watching the demise is probably all you have to do. Then after some time after their breakup, you can try to approach him. That’s my advice if you were to try to get him back, especially since it’s most likely that you were a rebound. My advice would be to lay back and let the thing fail on its own. The odds are against them. I’m a percentage person. I’m very logical in my thinking. When I look at situations like this, I try to look at the percentages. It’s a high percentage that they end up breakup up again for one or all of the reasons that I just listed. Sometimes all you have to do is wait.
I don’t want you to just sit on your hands and wait for them to break up, and then strike. That’s not healthy. I can’t tell you how many times I tell women this, but your time is extremely valuable. Do not waste it. This is the premise of moving on without moving on. Their relationship is probably destined to fail.
But don’t just wait around and expect it to fail. That’s not smart. That’s not a high percentage game. You want to move on. This is weird, because I know deep down, you don’t want to move on. But by moving on, you become more attractive to him. His relationship will start to fail. Then he’ll start comparing his current relationship to you and thinking, “Maybe I didn’t have it so bad with her.”
Also, you’re going to give yourself more options. I think that’s really important for you. It really works in your advantage. If you move on and you find out four or five months later that they’ve broken up, and you’re still not over him, then you just go after him. In the meantime, work on moving on. I know there is a lot of hesitation from women about this, especially more mature women in their 30s who are looking to settle down.
They’re not just looking to party, have fun with their girlfriends, play the field a little bit with guys or go on a bunch of dates. I find that women who want to settle down are almost scared to go out of their way and start over. They don’t want to start with someone new.
It’s almost like a video game. Let’s say, in a video game, you advance to level 10. The last thing you want to do is start over from level one and then work your way back up to level 10. No. You want to move from level 10 to level 11. It’s kind of like that. A lot of women are hesitant to move on because they think if they have to start over with someone new that it’s like starting over from level one.
There is all this time and effort they have to put into the relationship to get to level 10. Then they’re expecting a deeper commitment. It just feels helpless at times. I’m here to tell you, don’t be afraid to start over. Your time is valuable. This is probably the smartest game plan that anyone can come up with for you. Move on without moving on.
Look, I know you want the guy back. I know it’s important to you, but since you’re a rebound, you need to find a way to assert your value. You need to find a way to make him understand that you are a high-value woman. The best way to do that is to move on.
I’m going to link to an article for you about how to get over your ex. In there, I teach you how to move on. I don’t necessarily want you to cut him out of your life entirely. I think just for a few months is probably a solid idea. If you decide that, after you’re trying to move on, you still have feelings for him then that’s great. You’re just buying yourself time.
Like I said, for all the reasons I listed, I think that their relationship is probably destined to fail. Once he’s single again, that’s when you can strike. For now, just move on. Try to play the field a little bit. Try to go on some dates. Try to start over at level one. I know it’s a scary thing. It takes a lot of energy and effort to move from level to level. Just try it out.
A lot of times, I find that it’s usually when women go through their darkest periods that something really good is just around the corner. I’m a glass half full kind of guy. I choose to believe that. Anonymous, I wish you the best. If you have any questions, please ask a question in the comments section.
Anyone listening to this, if you have any questions about rebound relationships or the premise of moving on without moving on, please ask questions in the comments section of the show notes here. You can find them at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode34.
You can also find this episode on iTunes or Stitcher. I know I haven’t asked for reviews in a long time, but please, if you can, take a few minutes out of your day and leave a review for me on iTunes. I really appreciate it. It really helps propel this podcast to success. It is in your best interest for this podcast to be a success because, the more successful it is, the more likely I’m going to want to record episodes, answer people and provide more value to everyone listening.
On that note, please leave me an honest review on iTunes. I’m never going to ask you to manufacture a good review if you do not like this podcast. If you love it, put that down. All I care about are honest reviews. I like to earn my keep. On that note, I’m going to end this episode. I’ll see you later.