Today we hear from Leslie a strong minded southern woman!
(Leslie if you are reading this then I am sorry but I totally had to say it I love your southern accent.)
Anyways, Leslie has recently gotten out of a long distance relationship and is wondering what to do if her ex boyfriend has gotten a new girlfriend.
Let’s find out,
For those of you who are avid readers of the show notes here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery here is a quick recap of Leslie’s situation,
- She was in a long distance relationship for close to 5 months.
- Distance = Georgia to Colorado.
- Her boyfriend called her up one day and said he had an unresolved relationship he had to deal with.
- The unresolved relationship was with an ex girlfriend who he was engaged to.
- Leslie did the 30 day NC rule.
- They got in touch after the NC rule but communication was very sporadic.
- She feel like she is “Plan B.”
- Wonders if she should give up.
What This Episode Covers
- The importance of having a PLAN in a long distance relationship (I sound like a broken record.)
- What his ex girlfriend has over him that Leslie doesn’t.
- The idea that men will date a woman who benefits him the most.
- How history is on Leslie’s side.
- You have to give a man something to work for.
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
Kind of think on the links today, huh?
Well, that’s the way it works sometimes.
Lets move on to the game plan portion of the show notes.
Leslie’s Game Plan
Do You Really Want Him Back
The first thing that I think Leslie should consider is whether or not she really wants her ex boyfriend back.
I talk a lot about this in the episode and I even state that I think in Leslie’s case that she should move on. I think her time is too valuable to get wrapped in this guy. Nevertheless, I still want to help her get him back so that is why there is more to the game plan than just that.
No Contact Rule
If Leslie does a lot of soul searching and determines that she does want her ex back then I think it’s a good idea for her to re-implement the no contact rule. This will serve as a reset button that she can use to kind of start the situation over.
Find Your Hook
No, not that hook.
I am talking about the type of hook that makes an ex want you more than the girl he is currently dating.
It’s a way of “hooking him in” so he is chasing you.
Welcome to Episode 15 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be combining two very complicated situations—long distance relationships and what to do if your ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. We’re going to be combining these two situations together. I’m going to be game planning for a woman who has found herself in this situation.
Let’s hear from Leslie, a woman who was in a long-distance relationship and her boyfriend broke up with her to go out with a new girl:
“Hey, Chris. This is Leslie. I live in Georgia and I’ve been having a long-distance relationship with a guy in Colorado since last August. I was supposed to go there the week of Thanksgiving. The weekend before, he texted me to tell me that there was something unresolved—an unresolved relationship he needed to deal with before we could make any commitments.
When he called the next day, he confessed that it was an ex-girlfriend who he was engaged to two years ago. They’re back together. I did the 30 day wait period during December. Then I shot him a text. We’ve been texting and/or emailing or calling ever since. It’s not every day. It’s very sporadic. He says he still wants to talk to me.
I feel like I was Plan A that got bumped for Plan B when they worked out. I’m not even in the plan anymore. Am I just holding onto a pipe dream? Should I just let it go since he’s with her? Is there any chance of getting him back? She’s there and I’m here. Men are physical and visual. I’m the long-distance person. Should I just give it up?”
Thanks, Leslie, for leaving this voicemail. I know I’m a little bit late getting back to you. I apologize for that. It’s been a hectic month. I’m going to do my very best to help you in your situation. I’m going to focus on macro things.
I’m not going to micromanage you and tell you, “You need to send this text. You need to build attraction here. You need to end the conversation here.” I’m going to be talking about big picture ideas. These are specifically related to long-distance relationships, his particular situation with this girl and whether or not you should give up. Then I’m going to give you a game plan revolving around that and how you should approach him and your life going forward.
Let’s start with long-distance relationships. Many of the listeners here know that I am a veteran of a long-distance relationship. I had a successful long-distance relationship, in that I met my wife and we were long distance for five or six years. Leslie, you mentioned that you were in a relationship for about four or five months. That’s about the time I was in a long-distance relationship when I moved from Texas to Pennsylvania to be with my wife. I know a thing or two about long-distance relationships and what it takes to make them work.
The first thing I would say to you and the listeners is that you need to have an overlying plan when you are in a long-distance relationship. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but this is how important it is. What do I mean by an overlying plan? It’s simple. You need to have a plan where you end up together. One of you moves to the other person or you’re together in the same location. You don’t necessarily have to live together, although that seems to be the progression of things.
A lot of people don’t have this plan. That is for a few reasons. A lot of people are scared to make a move. I had to move from Texas to Pennsylvania to be with my wife. That was scary because there was no guarantee that the relationship would work out at the time. A lot of people are afraid to make the jump.
In your situation, Leslie, I don’t know if you two talked about a plan. It seems like he just called you up out of the blue right before Thanksgiving and said, “Hey, I need to deal with this particular thing before I can have any commitment to you.” I know it really sucks. Essentially, he is making you Plan B, the backup plan. You should be no one’s backup plan. Always remember that, Leslie.
You are not going to be a backup plan, I guarantee you. If you follow the advice that I’m going to lay out for you in this episode, you’re not going to be a backup plan. If, for whatever reason, my advice doesn’t work out, walk away. Don’t be a backup plan. You deserve more than just being someone’s backup plan.
The overlying advice I’m going to give you if you do end up getting him back, Leslie, is that you need to work out some sort of plan with him. He needs to be on board with this plan. Obviously, the plan is where you two can wind up together and live happily ever after. He needs to be on board with this plan.
The only way that this can work is if both of you are putting in the same amount of effort. If you’re going to get into a long-distance relationship where one person is putting in all the effort and the other person isn’t doing anything, that’s going to create resentment. Also, the long-distance relationship is going to fail. It takes effort from both sides to make this type of relationship work long term. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there.
The first big knowledge dump here is to have that plan. That’s not new knowledge to anyone who has been listening to these episodes. You might have listened to the last episode I did on long-distance relationships. Leslie’s situation is a little bit different than the last long-distance relationship episode that I did. I can’t remember exactly what that situation covered.
This is Episode 15 and that was one of the earlier episodes. I’ll link to it in the show notes in this episode and give you a brief summary of what it was about. I’m fairly certain that, in that episode, I don’t believe that the guy in the long-distance couple that broke up found a new girlfriend. That’s what is happening in Leslie’s case. He hasn’t found a new girlfriend. He’s gone back to a former flame.
Leslie, you may be sitting there and wondering why. Why has he gone back? What does this girl have that I don’t have? It’s simple. You mentioned that he was engaged to her? What is the advice that I’m always peddling on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery? I always peddle the un-gettable girl. I always peddle the no contact rule. I always peddle the fact that you need to better yourself during the no contact rule. You need to end the conversations first. Text a certain way. Watch your word count. I talk about positive response, negative response, neutral response and no response. I go over all of these things.
But the one thing that I’m going to leave you with today, Leslie, is that men always want what they can’t have. What your ex-boyfriend could not have is this girl. It’s the ultimate joke on him because he did have her. Then something happened between the two of them and they broke it off. Essentially, he had her. Then the engagement broke off. Then he didn’t have her. It’s this kind of roller coaster effect that has an impact on a man. It can lead to his decisions.
Let me give you an example of what’s probably going on in his mind. He dated you probably after he was engaged to this girl. I don’t know how long their engagement lasted. What I do know is that the engagement was broken off. That’s a painful thing for any guy.
Personally, if I were in his position, I would not want someone back who broke off an engagement. We’ll get more into that later. What I’m trying to explain is the roller coaster effect that this girl has on him that you do not. She made him believe that she was going to be with him for the rest of his life.
To a man who is very interested in commitment and monogamy, that’s a very appealing deal. She took that away. Maybe he broke off the engagement. For whatever reason, it was taken away from him. That idea of, “I’m going to be with her for the rest of my life,” was gone.
It has created this roller coaster effect. Imagine that you’re on a roller coaster. You’re going up the hill. You’re going up and up. It’s culminated at the engagement. Then, right as the engagement is over, you go down the hill. He has gone up the hill with this engagement. At the culmination of the engagement, when things were broken off, he immediately went down the hill. Now that she’s come back into the picture, he’s going up the hill again. He’s going up and up.
But there is good news for you, Leslie. Obviously, this girl has something that you don’t have. She’s been engaged to him. She has history with him. You don’t have this. Also, you added in the fact that you’re long distance. You’re not as an appealing deal to him. I don’t want to get into that right now.
I’m going to try to be more positive for you, Leslie. History is on your side. The engagement was broken for a reason. They’re trying again right now. You’re hurt and left wondering if you should continue on or give up. But history is on your side. Generally speaking, if engagements break off and come back on after this amount of time, it doesn’t bode well.
Even if they do get married, it doesn’t bode well for their marriage either. Personally, if I were dating a girl, I was engaged to her and she broke off the engagement, I would not want to marry her. I’ll tell you why. I don’t want to be with someone who is not sure about being with me. I know that there is a woman out there who is sure about being with me, and I married her. That’s some advice from me.
The other knowledge I want you to obtain, Leslie, is the fact that men always want to do what’s best for them in their relationship lives. Let’s strip this thing down to its core. Let’s look at it from your ex-boyfriend’s perspective. Your ex-boyfriend is going to look for the best deal for his relationship life.
Let’s say he’s strolling down the road one day and sees a girl on his right. She’s beautiful. She’s intelligent. She’s sexy. She’s all of that stuff. That’s a pretty good deal to him. Now if you were to take that same exact girl he saw on the road but you put her 1,000 miles away, that same girl is not going to be as appealing to him as she would be if she were in person. You, being 1,000 miles away, need to figure out how to appeal to him. What can you bring to the table that this ex-girlfriend that he’s currently dating cannot? That’s what it’s all about.
If you strip getting your ex-boyfriend back down to the core, it’s almost like you have to figure out what your ex-boyfriend wants in a relationship and what benefits him the most. If he looks at you and says to himself, “Being with her will benefit me the most in a relationship,” then he’ll be with you. If he looks at you and says, “Being with her will not benefit me the most. I think I can do better,” then he will not be in a relationship with you. It’s as simple as that.
Everything that I teach is structured around this idea that you’re hitting all these emotional hot spots. They bring these feelings out for him and make him think that you are the very best deal out there. Right now, Leslie, you’re not. The girl he’s with right now has history with him. She was engaged to him.
She’s not long distance. Her history with him is probably longer than the history that you have with him. He’s chasing her. Men always want what they can’t have. She’s put him in a position where he’s chasing her. He can’t have her. It’s as simple as that. That is what this girl has over you, Leslie. That’s not to say that you can’t flip the tables on him. But it is a harder situation to navigate, I will admit.
We’ve talked about the importance of having a plan with a long-distance relationship. We’ve talked about what this girl has that you don’t. We discussed how men always like being with women that benefit them the most. Let’s turn our attention to a game plan for you, Leslie. Here is what you should do going forward.
I think the very first thing you should do is determine whether or not he is worth your time. You sound a bit more mature than the average audience member here. I’m not saying that to hurt your feelings. I’m saying that because, ideally, I think you want more serious relationships than other women asking questions want. You’re probably looking for deeper commitments, like marriage. Your time is very valuable. Attempting to get this guy back—because there are not guarantees when it comes to this—will take time.
You need to ask yourself, “Is this worth my time? Can I get him back?” If you determine, “Yes, it is worth my time. I think I could potentially marry this guy. I know he’s a great guy. He’s the one for me,” then great. We’ve just determined that we can move forward with the process.
But if you have any doubts whatsoever, I recommend moving on. I would recommend moving on because there are other guys out there that you are probably not in a place to consider right now. You’re stuck on this ex-boyfriend. These guys might be willing to commit to you. These guys are not long distance to you. Long distance goes both ways. He’s away from you and you have needs, too. It’s not just that men are physical and visual. Women are visual, too. Women are physical, too. They’re just not as physical or visual.
I think you could make the case and say that women are more visual when it comes to detail-oriented things. For example, my wife asks me one million questions whenever a movie or TV show comes on. We’ll be watching a TV show. All of a sudden, she’ll ask a question about the last episode of the TV show. I’ll have to remind her.
Except when it comes to clothes. I don’t know what this is. It’s a female trait. I rented the newest Hunger Games yesterday. We were watching it. There was a part where a character was being talked about who was not alive in the current movie. I was thinking, “She has no idea who this character is. I’m going to have to explain it to her.” I started explaining it to her.
She looked at me and said, “What are you doing? I know who that is. He’s the guy that made the dresses for her. He’s the guy that made the dress that turned on fire for her.” I thought, “Of course you would remember that. That had to do with clothes.” I would make the case that women are a bit more visually oriented than men when it comes to clothes or detail oriented things that men would not pay attention to.
If you’ve determined that you want him back, the thing I want you to do next is to find your hook. I’ve already explained that men only want to date women who can benefit them. What do I mean by that? When a man is sitting down and he looks at a woman, he’s going to think to himself, “How will dating her benefit me?” You need a hook. You need something to hook him in to where he’ll believe, “Dating her is more of a benefit for me than it is dating this current girlfriend.”
I think it’s going to be very hard to get him back with his new girlfriend. I think more time needs to pass. I would give another 30 days of no contact. Hopefully, by then some sort of fights will occur. Maybe he’ll break up with her. Even if that doesn’t happen, more time has passed.
I think it will benefit you. You’ll be in a better place emotionally. Maybe you won’t care as much. Sometimes, women who don’t care as much about getting their exes back do extremely well when they’re trying to get their exes back. I think the no contact rule will have that benefit for you, Leslie.
I don’t think that he and his new girlfriend will last. They were engaged before and it didn’t work out. I think history will repeat itself again. Maybe that’s a bold statement. I could be off base here but those are my personal beliefs. If you know you want him back, I want you to do another round of the 30 days of no contact.
After that, you should find your hook. The way I want to explain this is simple. Men only want to date women who benefit them. Women who benefit them often have a hook. They have a way of hooking him in. They usually do that by figuring out the biggest benefit to him.
Let me give you an example. Let’s say that a girl gives the best hugs in the world. No other woman’s hugs can compare to her hugs. When a guy is looking at this woman and brainstorming on how dating her will benefit him the most, he’s automatically going to think of the hugs. I’m all about leveraging your current strengths.
If this woman were to try to get her ex-boyfriend back, she would definitely leverage these hugs. She would make subtle references to them throughout her conversations with him, to make him remember. Since you’re long distance, Leslie, I also recommend having a plan if you do get back together with him. I’ll talk about that later.
I recently wrote an article on how to properly talk to a man when you’re on the phone with him. I’ll link to that. I really think you should read that, Leslie. That will give you some “call game.” It covers how to speak to him on the phone, when to end the conversation, what to do and how to stand out from his current girlfriend.
You need to find your hook. That is of vital importance for you. If you can find your hook, you can leverage that and stand out in his mind. The long-distance stuff can work itself out. Let’s first get on good terms with him before you foray into coming up with a plan where the two of you end up together.
Again, this is one of the harder situations to navigate. I’m not going to lie to you. If I were to assign a percentage value on your chances of getting him back, I would assign a 10% chance. I’m going to be blunt with you, Leslie. I’m not into telling people things that they want to hear.
I’ll tell you what I would do if I were you. I would move on. That’s only because I would never be anyone’s second choice. Let me give you an example. If my wife and I did not have a fairytale relationship and she were to tell me, “I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I think about him all the time. I don’t know if I love you very much anymore,” I would not be thrilled with that.
I would not have married her. I guarantee you that she would not have married me if I said, “I think about my ex-girlfriend all the time. You’re my second choice.” I would never be anyone’s second choice. Plain and simple.
I think that’s a very hurtful thing to go through. I think that you, Leslie, are better off moving on. I think there is someone out there who is better for you. You’re probably the first person I’ve said that to in the podcast so far. It’s because I don’t think anyone should be someone’s second choice. You definitely deserve better.
I’m going to end the episode there. If you are interested in commenting on this episode or asking me a question, please feel free to comment on the show notes of this episode. You will find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode15.
That’s going to do it for me here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery headquarters, which is essentially my home and desk. It will grow one day. I’m going to take over the world, I guarantee you. That’s it for me.