Today we hear from Leslie a strong minded southern woman!

(Leslie if you are reading this then I am sorry but I totally had to say it I love your southern accent.)

Anyways, Leslie has recently gotten out of a long distance relationship and is wondering what to do if her ex boyfriend has gotten a new girlfriend.

Let’s find out,

For those of you who are avid readers of the show notes here on Ex Boyfriend Recovery here is a quick recap of Leslie’s situation,

  • She was in a long distance relationship for close to 5 months.
  • Distance = Georgia to Colorado.
  • Her boyfriend called her up one day and said he had an unresolved relationship he had to deal with.
  • The unresolved relationship was with an ex girlfriend who he was engaged to.
  • Leslie did the 30 day NC rule.
  • They got in touch after the NC rule but communication was very sporadic.
  • She feel like she is “Plan B.”
  • Wonders if she should give up.

What This Episode Covers

  • The importance of having a PLAN in a long distance relationship (I sound like a broken record.)
  • What his ex girlfriend has over him that Leslie doesn’t.
  • The idea that men will date a woman who benefits him the most.
  • How history is on Leslie’s side.
  • You have to give a man something to work for.
Is This Process A Waste Of Your Time?
Find Out Here

Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

Kind of think on the links today, huh?

Well, that’s the way it works sometimes.

Lets move on to the game plan portion of the show notes.

Leslie’s Game Plan

LDR game plan

Do You Really Want Him Back

The first thing that I think Leslie should consider is whether or not she really wants her ex boyfriend back.

I talk a lot about this in the episode and I even state that I think in Leslie’s case that she should move on. I think her time is too valuable to get wrapped in this guy. Nevertheless, I still want to help her get him back so that is why there is more to the game plan than just that.

No Contact Rule

If Leslie does a lot of soul searching and determines that she does want her ex back then I think it’s a good idea for her to re-implement the no contact rule. This will serve as a reset button that she can use to kind of start the situation over.

Find Your Hook

?

hook

No, not that hook.

I am talking about the type of hook that makes an ex want you more than the girl he is currently dating.

It’s a way of “hooking him in” so he is chasing you.

Get it?

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 15 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today we’re going to be combining two very complicated situations—long distance relationships and what to do if your ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. We’re going to be combining these two situations together. I’m going to be game planning for a woman who has found herself in this situation.

Let’s hear from Leslie, a woman who was in a long-distance relationship and her boyfriend broke up with her to go out with a new girl:

“Hey, Chris. This is Leslie. I live in Georgia and I’ve been having a long-distance relationship with a guy in Colorado since last August. I was supposed to go there the week of Thanksgiving. The weekend before, he texted me to tell me that there was something unresolved—an unresolved relationship he needed to deal with before we could make any commitments.

When he called the next day, he confessed that it was an ex-girlfriend who he was engaged to two years ago. They’re back together. I did the 30 day wait period during December. Then I shot him a text. We’ve been texting and/or emailing or calling ever since. It’s not every day. It’s very sporadic. He says he still wants to talk to me.

I feel like I was Plan A that got bumped for Plan B when they worked out. I’m not even in the plan anymore. Am I just holding onto a pipe dream? Should I just let it go since he’s with her? Is there any chance of getting him back? She’s there and I’m here. Men are physical and visual. I’m the long-distance person. Should I just give it up?”

Thanks, Leslie, for leaving this voicemail. I know I’m a little bit late getting back to you. I apologize for that. It’s been a hectic month. I’m going to do my very best to help you in your situation. I’m going to focus on macro things.

I’m not going to micromanage you and tell you, “You need to send this text. You need to build attraction here. You need to end the conversation here.” I’m going to be talking about big picture ideas. These are specifically related to long-distance relationships, his particular situation with this girl and whether or not you should give up. Then I’m going to give you a game plan revolving around that and how you should approach him and your life going forward.

Let’s start with long-distance relationships. Many of the listeners here know that I am a veteran of a long-distance relationship. I had a successful long-distance relationship, in that I met my wife and we were long distance for five or six years. Leslie, you mentioned that you were in a relationship for about four or five months. That’s about the time I was in a long-distance relationship when I moved from Texas to Pennsylvania to be with my wife. I know a thing or two about long-distance relationships and what it takes to make them work.

The first thing I would say to you and the listeners is that you need to have an overlying plan when you are in a long-distance relationship. I feel like a broken record when I say this, but this is how important it is. What do I mean by an overlying plan? It’s simple. You need to have a plan where you end up together. One of you moves to the other person or you’re together in the same location. You don’t necessarily have to live together, although that seems to be the progression of things.

A lot of people don’t have this plan. That is for a few reasons. A lot of people are scared to make a move. I had to move from Texas to Pennsylvania to be with my wife. That was scary because there was no guarantee that the relationship would work out at the time. A lot of people are afraid to make the jump.

In your situation, Leslie, I don’t know if you two talked about a plan. It seems like he just called you up out of the blue right before Thanksgiving and said, “Hey, I need to deal with this particular thing before I can have any commitment to you.” I know it really sucks. Essentially, he is making you Plan B, the backup plan. You should be no one’s backup plan. Always remember that, Leslie.

You are not going to be a backup plan, I guarantee you. If you follow the advice that I’m going to lay out for you in this episode, you’re not going to be a backup plan. If, for whatever reason, my advice doesn’t work out, walk away. Don’t be a backup plan. You deserve more than just being someone’s backup plan.

The overlying advice I’m going to give you if you do end up getting him back, Leslie, is that you need to work out some sort of plan with him. He needs to be on board with this plan. Obviously, the plan is where you two can wind up together and live happily ever after. He needs to be on board with this plan.

The only way that this can work is if both of you are putting in the same amount of effort. If you’re going to get into a long-distance relationship where one person is putting in all the effort and the other person isn’t doing anything, that’s going to create resentment. Also, the long-distance relationship is going to fail. It takes effort from both sides to make this type of relationship work long term. Trust me, I know. I’ve been there.

The first big knowledge dump here is to have that plan. That’s not new knowledge to anyone who has been listening to these episodes. You might have listened to the last episode I did on long-distance relationships. Leslie’s situation is a little bit different than the last long-distance relationship episode that I did. I can’t remember exactly what that situation covered.

This is Episode 15 and that was one of the earlier episodes. I’ll link to it in the show notes in this episode and give you a brief summary of what it was about. I’m fairly certain that, in that episode, I don’t believe that the guy in the long-distance couple that broke up found a new girlfriend. That’s what is happening in Leslie’s case. He hasn’t found a new girlfriend. He’s gone back to a former flame.

Leslie, you may be sitting there and wondering why. Why has he gone back? What does this girl have that I don’t have? It’s simple. You mentioned that he was engaged to her? What is the advice that I’m always peddling on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery? I always peddle the un-gettable girl. I always peddle the no contact rule. I always peddle the fact that you need to better yourself during the no contact rule. You need to end the conversations first. Text a certain way. Watch your word count. I talk about positive response, negative response, neutral response and no response. I go over all of these things.

But the one thing that I’m going to leave you with today, Leslie, is that men always want what they can’t have. What your ex-boyfriend could not have is this girl. It’s the ultimate joke on him because he did have her. Then something happened between the two of them and they broke it off. Essentially, he had her. Then the engagement broke off. Then he didn’t have her. It’s this kind of roller coaster effect that has an impact on a man. It can lead to his decisions.

Let me give you an example of what’s probably going on in his mind. He dated you probably after he was engaged to this girl. I don’t know how long their engagement lasted. What I do know is that the engagement was broken off. That’s a painful thing for any guy.

Personally, if I were in his position, I would not want someone back who broke off an engagement. We’ll get more into that later. What I’m trying to explain is the roller coaster effect that this girl has on him that you do not. She made him believe that she was going to be with him for the rest of his life.

To a man who is very interested in commitment and monogamy, that’s a very appealing deal. She took that away. Maybe he broke off the engagement. For whatever reason, it was taken away from him. That idea of, “I’m going to be with her for the rest of my life,” was gone.

It has created this roller coaster effect. Imagine that you’re on a roller coaster. You’re going up the hill. You’re going up and up. It’s culminated at the engagement. Then, right as the engagement is over, you go down the hill. He has gone up the hill with this engagement. At the culmination of the engagement, when things were broken off, he immediately went down the hill. Now that she’s come back into the picture, he’s going up the hill again. He’s going up and up.

But there is good news for you, Leslie. Obviously, this girl has something that you don’t have. She’s been engaged to him. She has history with him. You don’t have this. Also, you added in the fact that you’re long distance. You’re not as an appealing deal to him. I don’t want to get into that right now.

I’m going to try to be more positive for you, Leslie. History is on your side. The engagement was broken for a reason. They’re trying again right now. You’re hurt and left wondering if you should continue on or give up. But history is on your side. Generally speaking, if engagements break off and come back on after this amount of time, it doesn’t bode well.

Even if they do get married, it doesn’t bode well for their marriage either. Personally, if I were dating a girl, I was engaged to her and she broke off the engagement, I would not want to marry her. I’ll tell you why. I don’t want to be with someone who is not sure about being with me. I know that there is a woman out there who is sure about being with me, and I married her. That’s some advice from me.

The other knowledge I want you to obtain, Leslie, is the fact that men always want to do what’s best for them in their relationship lives. Let’s strip this thing down to its core. Let’s look at it from your ex-boyfriend’s perspective. Your ex-boyfriend is going to look for the best deal for his relationship life.

Let’s say he’s strolling down the road one day and sees a girl on his right. She’s beautiful. She’s intelligent. She’s sexy. She’s all of that stuff. That’s a pretty good deal to him. Now if you were to take that same exact girl he saw on the road but you put her 1,000 miles away, that same girl is not going to be as appealing to him as she would be if she were in person. You, being 1,000 miles away, need to figure out how to appeal to him. What can you bring to the table that this ex-girlfriend that he’s currently dating cannot? That’s what it’s all about.

If you strip getting your ex-boyfriend back down to the core, it’s almost like you have to figure out what your ex-boyfriend wants in a relationship and what benefits him the most. If he looks at you and says to himself, “Being with her will benefit me the most in a relationship,” then he’ll be with you. If he looks at you and says, “Being with her will not benefit me the most. I think I can do better,” then he will not be in a relationship with you. It’s as simple as that.

Everything that I teach is structured around this idea that you’re hitting all these emotional hot spots. They bring these feelings out for him and make him think that you are the very best deal out there. Right now, Leslie, you’re not. The girl he’s with right now has history with him. She was engaged to him.

She’s not long distance. Her history with him is probably longer than the history that you have with him. He’s chasing her. Men always want what they can’t have. She’s put him in a position where he’s chasing her. He can’t have her. It’s as simple as that. That is what this girl has over you, Leslie. That’s not to say that you can’t flip the tables on him. But it is a harder situation to navigate, I will admit.

We’ve talked about the importance of having a plan with a long-distance relationship. We’ve talked about what this girl has that you don’t. We discussed how men always like being with women that benefit them the most. Let’s turn our attention to a game plan for you, Leslie. Here is what you should do going forward.

I think the very first thing you should do is determine whether or not he is worth your time. You sound a bit more mature than the average audience member here. I’m not saying that to hurt your feelings. I’m saying that because, ideally, I think you want more serious relationships than other women asking questions want. You’re probably looking for deeper commitments, like marriage. Your time is very valuable. Attempting to get this guy back—because there are not guarantees when it comes to this—will take time.

You need to ask yourself, “Is this worth my time? Can I get him back?” If you determine, “Yes, it is worth my time. I think I could potentially marry this guy. I know he’s a great guy. He’s the one for me,” then great. We’ve just determined that we can move forward with the process.

But if you have any doubts whatsoever, I recommend moving on. I would recommend moving on because there are other guys out there that you are probably not in a place to consider right now. You’re stuck on this ex-boyfriend. These guys might be willing to commit to you. These guys are not long distance to you. Long distance goes both ways. He’s away from you and you have needs, too. It’s not just that men are physical and visual. Women are visual, too. Women are physical, too. They’re just not as physical or visual.

I think you could make the case and say that women are more visual when it comes to detail-oriented things. For example, my wife asks me one million questions whenever a movie or TV show comes on. We’ll be watching a TV show. All of a sudden, she’ll ask a question about the last episode of the TV show. I’ll have to remind her.

Except when it comes to clothes. I don’t know what this is. It’s a female trait. I rented the newest Hunger Games yesterday. We were watching it. There was a part where a character was being talked about who was not alive in the current movie. I was thinking, “She has no idea who this character is. I’m going to have to explain it to her.” I started explaining it to her.

She looked at me and said, “What are you doing? I know who that is. He’s the guy that made the dresses for her. He’s the guy that made the dress that turned on fire for her.” I thought, “Of course you would remember that. That had to do with clothes.” I would make the case that women are a bit more visually oriented than men when it comes to clothes or detail oriented things that men would not pay attention to.

If you’ve determined that you want him back, the thing I want you to do next is to find your hook. I’ve already explained that men only want to date women who can benefit them. What do I mean by that? When a man is sitting down and he looks at a woman, he’s going to think to himself, “How will dating her benefit me?” You need a hook. You need something to hook him in to where he’ll believe, “Dating her is more of a benefit for me than it is dating this current girlfriend.”

I think it’s going to be very hard to get him back with his new girlfriend. I think more time needs to pass. I would give another 30 days of no contact. Hopefully, by then some sort of fights will occur. Maybe he’ll break up with her. Even if that doesn’t happen, more time has passed.

I think it will benefit you. You’ll be in a better place emotionally. Maybe you won’t care as much. Sometimes, women who don’t care as much about getting their exes back do extremely well when they’re trying to get their exes back. I think the no contact rule will have that benefit for you, Leslie.

I don’t think that he and his new girlfriend will last. They were engaged before and it didn’t work out. I think history will repeat itself again. Maybe that’s a bold statement. I could be off base here but those are my personal beliefs. If you know you want him back, I want you to do another round of the 30 days of no contact.

After that, you should find your hook. The way I want to explain this is simple. Men only want to date women who benefit them. Women who benefit them often have a hook. They have a way of hooking him in. They usually do that by figuring out the biggest benefit to him.

Let me give you an example. Let’s say that a girl gives the best hugs in the world. No other woman’s hugs can compare to her hugs. When a guy is looking at this woman and brainstorming on how dating her will benefit him the most, he’s automatically going to think of the hugs. I’m all about leveraging your current strengths.

If this woman were to try to get her ex-boyfriend back, she would definitely leverage these hugs. She would make subtle references to them throughout her conversations with him, to make him remember. Since you’re long distance, Leslie, I also recommend having a plan if you do get back together with him. I’ll talk about that later.

I recently wrote an article on how to properly talk to a man when you’re on the phone with him. I’ll link to that. I really think you should read that, Leslie. That will give you some “call game.” It covers how to speak to him on the phone, when to end the conversation, what to do and how to stand out from his current girlfriend.

You need to find your hook. That is of vital importance for you. If you can find your hook, you can leverage that and stand out in his mind. The long-distance stuff can work itself out. Let’s first get on good terms with him before you foray into coming up with a plan where the two of you end up together.

Again, this is one of the harder situations to navigate. I’m not going to lie to you. If I were to assign a percentage value on your chances of getting him back, I would assign a 10% chance. I’m going to be blunt with you, Leslie. I’m not into telling people things that they want to hear.

I’ll tell you what I would do if I were you. I would move on. That’s only because I would never be anyone’s second choice. Let me give you an example. If my wife and I did not have a fairytale relationship and she were to tell me, “I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend. I think about him all the time. I don’t know if I love you very much anymore,” I would not be thrilled with that.

I would not have married her. I guarantee you that she would not have married me if I said, “I think about my ex-girlfriend all the time. You’re my second choice.” I would never be anyone’s second choice. Plain and simple.

I think that’s a very hurtful thing to go through. I think that you, Leslie, are better off moving on. I think there is someone out there who is better for you. You’re probably the first person I’ve said that to in the podcast so far. It’s because I don’t think anyone should be someone’s second choice. You definitely deserve better.

I’m going to end the episode there. If you are interested in commenting on this episode or asking me a question, please feel free to comment on the show notes of this episode. You will find that at www.ExBoyfriendRecovery.com/episode15.

That’s going to do it for me here at Ex-Boyfriend Recovery headquarters, which is essentially my home and desk. It will grow one day. I’m going to take over the world, I guarantee you. That’s it for me.

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125 thoughts on “EBR 015: How To Get A Long Distance Boyfriend Back If He Has A New Girlfriend”

  1. Avatar

    Sylvia

    March 12, 2018 at 9:45 pm

    I cant see the last comment i made on here a couple of days ago

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 13, 2018 at 4:50 pm

      You still have to use the being there method but you have to invest more time in yourself and in your life than him.. If she gets mad, let her be and don’t get mad. And don’t social media stalk them. He has to think you’re not updated about them because you’re not social media stalking them.

  2. Avatar

    Sylvia

    March 10, 2018 at 7:12 am

    Hi Amor,

    I will do as you suggested, i need to up my social media game. He generally likes most of the things I post, even now when we arent talking.

    Is there still a chance for me and him? I truly want to give us another shot and would be willing to resolve the distance issue once we get serious.

    I find it difficult to see posts of them together ( he doesnt post often though, but when he does, i definitely feel the pain), but she constantly posts and from what i know of her she is extremely annoying and obsessive and keep track of everything he is up to.

    Once my social media game goes well and after a month goes by, how do i reach out to him? We havent messaged each other at all for about 4 months. I dont want to make it look like im chasing or bruise my ego by being the one who gave in to texting the other first. Especially since the “Being there” method made him distant from me last time because she didnt like when he spoke to me. How can i turn it around so the next time she gets pissed off, that he gets mad AT HER for it and doesnt distance himself from me?

  3. Avatar

    Sylia

    February 25, 2018 at 4:36 pm

    Hey Amor

    I posted on here a couple days ago but can’t see it

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 27, 2018 at 11:10 am

      If you weren’t active in improving and in posting, do that first for month before initiating contact to do the being there method.

  4. Avatar

    Sylvie

    February 24, 2018 at 7:38 am

    Hey Amor,

    You refered me to this article a while ago.
    Heres my story:

    he and i were only together for a month. Broke up Jan2017. We live in different countries at the moment. We were on good talking terms and flirty for a few months after the breakup.

    He’s now been dating someone since last year in May. He said she’s obsessed with him, tracks everything he does online and his phone. She overshares the relationship online WAY more than he posts. It seems more like shes insecure and needs to show that “he’s hers” and for validation. He doesnt look happy in pics with her, doesnt lean in to her sometimes even pissed off or upset, but she looks too happy.

    But for the last month their posting has died down alot.

    He and I havent communicated since November. Last time we did he said “he cant msg me much because his gf doesnt like when he chats with other girls.” He still likes stuff I post online. I think he is with her because shes there, only because shes convenient and available. I dont think hes in love with her truly.

    I never chased or text gnatted him.
    I havent contacted or reached out to him since November. Same from him.

    I dont think a further No Contact period would be effective in this case.
    the only thing I havent done during the period is posting on my social media, but Ive never really been a heavy user of social media. I post occasionally but nothing extravagant although in my real life i constantly do exciting things and hobbies.

    Also, he has no negativity towards me personally. It was the distance thats the issue.

    I really want to give us another shot, Be it now, or in the future. Does he still have any feelings for me? Possible that hes keeping distant because it hurts to continue contacting a girl who isnt available to him? What would be the best strategy to inplement in my situation? Should i post more?Should i initiate contact and HOW, because i dont want to look like im chasing or bruise my own ego especially after the last thing he said was “she doesnt like when i chat w/other gals”??????? It seems the “being there method” was causing problems at the time. I really want another shot at us.

    Recap:
    -Long distance
    -Broken up over a year
    -Had positive contact for months
    -Has a gf For 9 months: obsessive, dramatic
    -No contact at all since November
    -i did no begging, gnatting, nothing
    – a few weeks before we stopped contact he told me and mentioned this also to one of his friends that he was feeling nostalgic about the time he spent with me

  5. Avatar

    T

    December 22, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Hey
    Me and my boyfriend were in a long distance relationship for almost a year and broke up a week ago.
    We were serious about each other and loved each other.
    but the last moth had been really bad as we had a fight and couldn’t make time for each other. That is why he wanted to break up. He said this relationship is not going anywhere and if we’re not happy we should just break up. but he sad “I ove you. Always.” and i said i love you too and immediately hung up.
    Now four days after the break up he’s with another girl who dated him before me for two years and it was pretty serious also.
    I haven’t broken NC yet but i really want to talk thins out with him.
    How do i get him back she used your page to get him back and won’t let him talk to me because she’ll know what I’m tying to do.
    She doesn’t even love him as much but now he’s with her there while I’m here 1,500 miles away which makes it more difficult as he is the kind o person who would put his all into a relationship and once they become serious about each other(they’re already official) it will be very difficult.
    I think our relationship was great and the reason he gave me for the break up is very fixable.
    What exactly Should i Do to Make him fall in love with me again and see that i love him more. Beacuse at one point he did we even used to talk about the future sometimes and i want that back.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 26, 2017 at 4:23 pm

      Hi T,

      How did you know she used our page?

  6. Avatar

    Carolina

    September 9, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Hi, my boyfriend broke up with me almost a year ago, we were on a long distance relationship, but every time we were together before that we were extremely happy, we never had a fight, it was fantastic, but because of the distance he decided (logically) that it was best to breakup, there was no drama, no begging of my part, I did the no contact rule immediately after the breakup and then we started emailing, not often, but I would always get good responses, we even had a period of a bit of flirting and sex mailing.
    I just came back to live were he lives and he wants to meet, but he told me that he was now in a new relationship (2 months) and that he was happy, but that their relationship was an open one, that they were allowed to have sexual relations with other people but not relationships?!! ( I don’t understand that kind of relationships).
    He just sent me a sexual message, I haven’t replied back because I don’t want him to think that I’m going to be his friend with benefits, I don’t want that, but I don’t know how to approach the situation. How can I get him to stay in touch or see him, with out all the sex talk?
    I’m not willing to be the other woman in his life, we haven’t see each other in almost a year and I think that maybe when he sees me, he would get all the great feelings he had for me before, as I said, we were great together, very happy, he even went to see me to my country (yes, a whole different country).

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 13, 2017 at 12:20 pm

  7. Avatar

    AbZa

    September 5, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    Hello!
    Please help! I previously wrote on another article in regards to my ex (obviously). We were long distance when we broke it off. We started the relationship in the same city and then he moved away due to the military. He will be out there for 2 more years. Anyways, we broke it off in January of this year, I did the no contact and then later initiated contact as mentioned in some articles and we got back together in March. We took a trip to Madrid and I obviously had not given myself enough time and acted horribly. It started out good and it later got bad because I just kept holding on to stuff from the past. Anyways, he broke it off 2 weeks after we got back from out trip in the end of March. Since then he has met someone in the first days of April (I know this because she posted pictures of them April 6). Either he already knew her or he went out seeking for someone. We spoke for a bit in May and then I started No Contact again. It has been 5 months since we’ve spoken and I just reached out 2 days ago. It started as messages, then a phone call and then a video chat all that same night for about 2 hours. The conversation went great and he told me about his new girlfriend. They’ve been dating since May. (Can you say moved on quick?!) However, I was not in so much shock because I saw that she had posted pictures of them already, so in a way I already knew about them traveling and stuff. Sad sad day! I’m trying to figure out if I should give it more time or If I should even bother trying to get him back. His mom messages me now and then telling me that she’s thinking about me, loves me etc… which I’m sure is probably nothing.
    He asked me about the ring he bought me and If I had sold it, I said no, he asked me where I was moving to since he saw my snapchat story, and I told him that it wasn’t important and he said it was important to him, He asked me if I found someone and I said nothing. I asked him if he was happy and he said yes. He said he still had our stuff.

    Ugh! They are both in the same country so I can see how that benefits him more. I’m millions and millions of miles away! Help! I think I screwed up because we had skype XXX. I don’t want to over think it but have I lost a chance of possibly fixing things? getting him back? What can I do? What shall I do? He’s obviously moved on and like chris said in the episode 15, you don’t want to be someone’s second choice, but then again we were very serious and this might be a rebound. I’m nobody to take away his happiness if it’s true love, but then again I don’t know.

    OH! and after the conversation we had over the phone, he posted a picture of them (which sucked seeing) saying that he missed her, #oneinamillion #cominghometoyou etc… blah!

    What does all this mean?!

    I won’t even say sorry for writing so much but my hands just went off.

    Thanks for reading!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 7, 2017 at 7:56 pm

      Hi Abza,

      it depends if they already knew each other before you broke, that would mean she’s more likely a grass is greener case. But you woudln’t know if you have a chance if you don’t try to build rapport.

  8. Avatar

    Norah

    July 5, 2017 at 8:39 pm

    Dear Amor,

    You referred me to this article, so I’ve read it. I don’t know if you can remember my story, but I have just copy paste it into here:

    I am trying the being there strategy for a while now or actually for six months..
    I should give you some background story first.
    My boyfriend broke up with me 2,5 years ago as I was going to move a couple of hours away. We were dating back then for three months and he didn’t want to become closer and closer to me as it would break his heart even more as I was going to move. It took a while to sell the house and everything; so I moved almost eight months ago and during the time between the break up and me moving away. We became closer and I really believe much closer than we were during our short relationship. During this time he actually did ask me or almost asked me back as is his girlfriend, but that we all moments where he got reminded of me going to move away or words he wasn’t meant to say out loud.

    But during my move a couple of hours away he started searching for a new girl, I guess to fill in my place in his life.. which he found and which made me upset as I needed him when I was new and lonely in my new city. After he told me about his new girlfriend I went into a 30 days of no contact, which turned out into 34 days. After the no contact I started implementing the being there strategy. He does actually never speak about his girlfriend to me; only when he started to say he would like to come over and he told me he was thinking about breaking up with her. But he never did as well as he hasn’t visited me ever since I have moved. They’re together now for I guess six months and I truly believe she isn’t just a rebound, eventhough he doesn’t tell me much about her..

    A couple of days ago I wasn’t feeling physically and emotional well and eventhough the distance between us he was there for me.; actually for the first time after I have moved. When I told him I was missing him being around; he said something like: ‘stay strong and keep fighting for what you miss, you will see it back some day’ and I told him I will. He was always saying to me (until he got his new girlfriend) that he believed in our relationship and that if two people are meant to be; they will find their way back to each other. But he’s afraid he will ruin everything between us; if it won’t work out in a long distance relationship; so he is keeping me off; ’cause of our situation if we commit and his new situation with his girlfriend. I have the feeling he is seeing me as a threat for his relationship.

    So I’ve read this article, but I am wondering what you would advice me and why?

    I would love to hear from you again
    Love Norah

    1. Avatar

      Norah

      July 7, 2017 at 7:52 am

      No I understand. Thank you.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 9, 2017 at 5:08 pm

      Owkie..you’re welcome!

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 6, 2017 at 7:25 pm

      actually I pointed you here because this article is my advice.,. I wouldn’t have explained it better.. do you have a question about the article above?

  9. Avatar

    F

    June 28, 2017 at 2:35 am

    I broke up with my ex boyfriend 3 months ago over some small problems (ldr and religion). He asked to go go back home and change my religion, which is actually I am okay with those, but I was angry by how his tone. So I was mad and asked tom to be friend. A week after, he asked me back but I said I will think about it because this is not our first time broke up. A few days later I contact him and I said I missed him. He asked me again to got back together and I said yes. then he suddenly said he is not excited and his feeling change, he needed time to think.

    A week after I contacted him and he said to be friend. After that we contact each other a once a week until I asked him to get back 2 month after we broke up and he said no. I was mad and told him don’t contact me again + do not meet up when I get back home.

    After I said that I did not contact him for 3 weeks. I found out that during the NC he met this girl from his parents for a week and kept in contact. I asked him and he told me they are only friend. The next day, I called his mother to asked. He found out and told me that we will never get back together again, he’s done waiting for me, we have a lot of differences, he can’t see me in his future and he thinks the girl is suitable for him (they only knew each other for a week by text at that time). Note: he was emotional when he told me all of those.

    I kept in contact after that incident, however sometimes he told me to move on and started to reply my text longer. What should I do? Is that girl only a rebound or he really likes her? I still want him. He is my best friend and lover fro more than 5 years. We even thought about marriage already. Need your advice. Thanks.

  10. Avatar

    Emma

    April 16, 2017 at 8:08 pm

    Hello,
    My ex boyfriend and I were together for about 5 months when he ended it with me because we both felt that we were too young for long distance.
    I was devastated and did the NC rule which worked as he asked me if i wanted to meet up with him! But by then I had met someone else.
    Now I’ve ended it with the OTHER guy and i’ve realised that I’m still in love with my ex but he has a girlfriend now!
    I don’t know what to do! We do talk occasionally but not often so do I do the NC rule again? I really don’t know 🙁

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 20, 2017 at 11:49 am

      If you didn’t improve yourself, restart nc.. If you did, continue building rapport

  11. Avatar

    Cbi

    December 16, 2016 at 11:13 pm

    Hi,
    I’d really welcome some advice. My boyfriend broke up with me after being together for 4 years. We’ve been in a long distance relationship during the last 2 years. We’ve had our ups and down and started to fight a lot during the last year because of parents getting involved to try to break us up. Suddenly, 2 months ago, he started changing; he limited our contact, doesn’t like talking anymore, and suddenly made new friends that I had no idea about. We were about to get married soon and he suddenly tells me that he doesn’t love me anymore and I’m just a friend to him, then we broke up. He also mentioned meeting some female “friend” that he likes and wants to give her a chance. Is that considered cheating? I started the NC rule and it’s been 2 weeks. I don’t think he might text again, he’s very stubborn. I also blocked him everywhere on social media. Is it possible to make this work again? or moving on is better in my situation?

    1. Avatar

      Cbi

      December 20, 2016 at 9:12 pm

      Hi,
      thank you for replying, i’m 26 and he’s 28.

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      December 19, 2016 at 11:43 pm

      Hi Cbi,

      How old are you both? I think he’s in a grass is greener case. Check this:
      The Grass is Greener Syndrome For Ex Boyfriends

  12. Avatar

    Paige

    October 22, 2016 at 1:15 pm

    hello!

    i have a question much like Leslie’s but the other way around. my ex of 4 years dumped me and has just recently started talking to a new girl. i dont believe they have actually gone on a date yet. the interesting thing is that he called me to personally let me know saying that he didnt want me to find out some other way. we talk for about an hr about all the stuff we had in common and he ended up inviting me over, which he has done on many occasions. i listened to the podcast about being friends on Facebook too and i had much like the caller unfriended my ex trying to do the no contact rule. we lived together for about a year and a half and after i moved out 3 days later he starts calling me just to say how things are going for him. fast forward and i get a new phone number (i was on his family’s plan) and i tried again to do no contact. a week later he adds me as a friend and with in a few minuets is messaging me saying that i need to call that he needs help finding his phone (lies)…. so just out of curiosity i was wondering how to go about either getting over this or getting him back. im still really in love with this guy and he knows it. i know guys want what they cant have so i’m going to distance myself as i cant really cope all that well with there being another girl. my hook is all the things we have in common and the fact that ive been through thick and thin with him. we have history. and ive always been there for him. i failed to mention that we have 2 dogs at his house which are my (dont judge me) fur babies and i see them as my family. the new girl is okay with me being around and coming over so long as i am civil. it annoys me a bit that she has created a boundary with my ex and my family.

    1. Avatar

      VENUS G. ZAMORA

      April 19, 2017 at 8:29 am

      INSPIRING WORDS

    2. Avatar

      Paige

      October 30, 2016 at 1:12 pm

      Hello again,

      I just wanted to say thank you for all the advice you’ve given me. its really helped me to understand what is going on with my ex and what i should do. I’ve also been listening to the podcasts and love them! i am also trying to save up and get your books as I’m sure there is a lot of helpful stuff in there and seems like a really great read. I’m working on being patient with my ex like you suggested. I made the decision to let go of my dog that was at his house. not something he agreed with (that was our little disagreement) but i felt it was best for everyone. I’ve backed off of communication with him because i don’t know what is going on with the other girl still and i don’t want to fall into that again. i don’t want to come back around if she is still there and it just be awkward and really sad. he recently has invited me to share a video game with him though that he as been drooling over for some time, I’m really into the game as well. the graphics and story are just mind blowing for me ha-ha. but i fear that this is being friend-zoned. and i listed to the podcast about that said the no contact rule is the beast way to raise your value in his eyes. I feel like I am just filling his emotional needs right now. I’ve always been the only one on his side, so my plan is to really commit…this time..to the no contact rule. But I am curious to know what it means when a guy wants to share a hobby he loves with you. When I was at his house he was teasing me a lot and joking around with me…and checked out my butt. I don’t want to get my hopes up that the other girl he mentioned might still be there. He got 2 texts while I was at his house and he ignored both of them and continued to watch me watch the movie. he kept looking at me the whole time. Am I being friend-zoned and how do I get out of it??

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 31, 2016 at 10:25 pm

      he’s probably still interested, but not enough to leave the other girl and commit to you.. The reason why nc helps because it increases the chances of him taking that you are moving on and he’s going to lose you but if it’s just no contact, it’s not really much of a help. You have to keep improving because even if you ignore him if he still thinks the other girl is better, then he’ll still choose her.

    4. Avatar

      Paige

      October 27, 2016 at 5:58 pm

      hello again 🙂

      I did go and visit and I had to wait for him to get home due to fixing something with out his help. He did start in on the negative talk and I did as you suggested and I got my things a said I wasn’t ready to talk about that topic and left. Not five min later he called and asked me to come back and hang out. I did and we ended up spending hrs together and it was great. We watched a movie and went to a store where he said that the entire store was staring at my butt. Apparently I had something on my butt and he said the whole store was staring at it and he didn’t want to ruin their fun. As I was leaving he asked to see me again next week. He called me again on my way home and we talked for a while again. However when we talk about the dogs its always negative as we both have different ideas of how it should be handled. it got to the point where he stared being rude and belittle me and guilt trip me. I sent him a text this morning to say why I was doing what I was doing and how I felt it was the best possible thing for everyone. All he said was that he didn’t want to read it and that It was my choice to do what I wanted to. I had so much fun with him and I’m worried this whole dog thing is going to ruin my chances at getting him back. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. How should I handle the whole dog thing?

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 29, 2016 at 12:29 am

      you just really have to be patient whenever he’s being negative.. because responding in the same way, won’t help.. if he sees you’re not reacting the same way, when you’re listening, he’ll probably listen to you when you say something.

    6. Avatar

      Paige

      October 25, 2016 at 12:05 pm

      last night he was calling and texting me insisting that i call him about the dogs. i asked if we could just text as i didnt really want to talk to him, and he said no just call me asap. so after work i did and he said that the dogs had gotten lose from the yard but that he had managed to catch them. but that one of them got hurt. I am going out there today to see the dogs as i am supposed to take one of them when i move into a new place. he asked when i was coming and going and then asked if i could stay longer so that we could see each other. i said that i didnt really want to see him (because he really hurt me with the whole other girl thing) and he ended the conversation then. i felt really bad and texted him this morning saying a reminder to leave the doors unlocked and that i was sorry. short and simple. “dave about last night…im sorry” and all he said was “shhh” my friends say i did the right thing and to not get sucked back in but im worried i just blew a chance at getting him back. i plan on making his favorite dish before i leave his house. its my own personal recipe and when i made it he had nothing to say bad about it. usually he is a critic of everything i made. it didn’t bother me that he did that because he cant cook worth anything. but he would go all Dave Ramsey on me, British accent and everything. i know that he obviously missed me and wanted to see me but im not sure how to move forward from this point. and am a little worried that i might see him. i have not heard anything about the other girl but did note that he was active on his face book after a short time when i though their date might be. which gave me the feeling it didn’t go well. and ended quickly. i listened to a pod cast the other day where they discussed the grass is greener syndrome and how the guy will eventually come to realize that the new girl wont have the same connection as we did. and my birthday is right around the corner and it was not far from his mothers and we would celebrate ours together so i’m wondering how that will go when i am not there to attend anymore.

    7. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 25, 2016 at 6:42 pm

      The coaching is on hold.. there’s no concrete plan yet if it will push through.. I think he’s missing you and trying to make you jealous.. regarding your birthday, if you need to talk about it, that’s ok..the only thing you want to avoid is having negative relationship talk..of course it would be different if he’s asking you back..if he starts negative relationship talk when you’re there, just politely say, you’re not ready to talk about it yet..
      and leverage this to increase your chances of making him realize by improving yourself..

    8. Avatar

      Paige

      October 24, 2016 at 1:32 am

      thank you for responding,
      i just had one more question in regards to this. he has done this before with another girl (left me for her) she ended up rejecting him and he came back to me saying that she wasn’t his type after all and it wouldn’t have worked out, and how wonderful i was. it seems to be to be a bit of the grass is greener on the other side syndrome that was mentioned in the podcast. it confuse me as to why he wants me to stay “friends” with him while he moves on with another girl. I dont think my ex and the new girl are serious. He said that they had only been talking for 4 days and had not gone on a date yet. we talked for hrs on the phone the night he told me about her (he called me to personally tell me) he invited me over to his place and said that he wants to be able to allow the dogs to see each other and that i can visit any time i want, he was really open about me being a part of his life still. but after the call he has gone silent. i’m not sure what this means, where his mind is? i don’t understand how one moment he can be “I’ve got a new girl” and the next insisting that we remain friends and in contact. why is he doing this?

    9. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      October 23, 2016 at 4:29 pm

      Hi Paige,

      that’s good that you can still see the dogs..I understand, I have 4 dogs too..it’s ok to talk to him about it but only about the dogs..other than that just keep being in no contact.. if he asks about getting his things, you can answer it but be direct and polite.. No small talk.. If he asks, how you are, dont answer.. unless he’s asking in person..

  13. Avatar

    Stacy

    August 25, 2016 at 4:02 pm

    So…don’t know how to explain this that it doesn’t end up too long…he broke up with me, but always contacted me. I did the no contact for a couple of times (worked every time, Chris, you are a genius!! 😀 that thing works so well, even if you try it on the same guy 3 times, he just cant resist it! 😀 but the day come he has to move to another country, he comes to say goodbye and promise he will call…he didn’t. of course, me being the impatient woman, made a mistake, text him that he now doesn’t even have to and that I dont want to talk to him anymore…month, exactly 30 days pass by…he sent me very long text in which he apologize, say he miss me and even if I don’t want to talk, can I just smile for him just one more time…things like that, you know… 🙂 pure no contact effect…he even called to Skype, texted too many times since than, and conversations was more than friendly, he was saying everything I wanted to hear! his mother asked me for a favor the other day, saying her computer broke, can I just look and fix it…long story short, looked where I was not supposed to,(Skype does load on system startup) :/ didn’t cheat, I respect other peoples privacy, especially fixing computers is my profession…but the picture just poped on screen immediately and him and some girl on a date ( trust me, it was a date, dinner and everything) and he send that to her…I saw it…it was to late to undo it..now I dont understand, why would he insist on going back to speak to me, when he could just leave the things as they are and enjoy with his new girlfriend?! I cant tell him what I saw, you can imagine what he would thing I did to dig that up, and I would look like a crazy ex girlfriend, so I cant even say, I know you have someone…and what should I do now, how to act? I don’t want to loose him ( I mean I already lost him but I want him back) but if I speak to him like I don’t know anything I feel like a fool, and if I do react and get mad I feel like I am ruining things, while I don’t even know what is going on with them. all I know is that he wont tell me about her, he is lying to me, he is hiding her and even if I ask something he wont tell me anything, especially I have a girlfriend…he obviously doesn’t want me to know. I really really don’t know what to do…

    1. Avatar

      Stacy

      September 3, 2016 at 8:29 am

      Sad :/ and confused…I really dont get this guy. We were together for a very long time, and he always says I am the only one who actually knows him, but I dont even know why he insist on talking to me…trust me, if I would ask him now to get back together, he would say no…but he wont let go! I tried, believe me, I even told him a couple of times that I dont want to talk to him anymore, he writes until I answer…two days ago he text me that he got the job there, and I was really happy for him, I know that was what he really wanted…so, I answered and ask for detail and what happened, lets celebrate style 🙂 he didnt even open my response until the next day…and that is the fourth or fifth time that he did that…tomorrow when he answered I only said congratulations, you earned it and that was it…didnt want to ask anything anymore…I dont want to be in a position where I have to wait for her not to be there to talk to him, but maybe that is exactly what is going on :/ so, I really dont know what to do here…no contact? or should I just be there? and what do you think why he insist on talking to me so much?!

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 4, 2016 at 3:12 pm

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      August 29, 2016 at 2:30 pm

      Hi Stacy

      sorry for the late reply.. how are you now?

  14. Avatar

    leigh

    July 21, 2016 at 9:22 pm

    Hi I am in a similar situation to Leslie’s. I was in a relationship for 2 years long distance when my boyfriend starting cheating on me with a girl in his town. She ended up pregnant and I forgave him and gave him another chance. We broke up 2 months ago and when he ended it he told me he still loves me but wants to be there for his child. He has been in my city every week since we broke up for work and we have seen each other everytime. We have slept together too which I know was mistake. I still love and want him back but I played it cool when we are together and don’t say anything. I just focus on the fun we are having. Should I do no contact now he has gone back home?

    1. Avatar

      leigh

      July 22, 2016 at 11:00 pm

      Hi yes they’re still together I think

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 22, 2016 at 5:30 pm

      Hi leigh,

      yes, do no contact.. are they still together?

  15. Avatar

    Anna

    May 18, 2016 at 2:18 pm

    Hey,
    So my boyfriend of a year and a half broke up with me 5 months ago. We started seeing each other and fell in love really quickly, but thing took a turn when we both moved out from the city we met in, me dated there around 5 months and then we had a bit over a year LD. He always told me i was the love of his life and he would never ever change me for anyone, which came to me as a surprise when a month after breaking up he started dating a girl he said he would never date (which also works at the same company as he). We broke up due to a lot of fights, jealousy and disrespectful comments, all due to the distance we had. He started dating this woman who is several years older than him, yet he still talks to me or messages me every two weeks or so. Im worried because we’ll meet up in a month or so and I don’t know what to do. I still love him and the last time we spoke he told me that he doesnt love this other woman and just sees her as a “friend”. Please help me, i have no idea what to think and i miss him like crazy.

    Thanks!

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 24, 2016 at 3:35 pm

      Hi Anna,

      start no contact and improve yourself. So, when you meet you’ll look your best

  16. Avatar

    Anna

    May 10, 2016 at 3:27 am

    Hi Chris and Amor,

    first of all I have to say sorry for my English, but I am from Austria. 🙂 My ex broke up with me around 5 months ago. After the break up he seemed all fine with it and started to go after a woman, whom he had met before we started dating. Back then he had decided to be in a relartionship with me and turned her down. We have been together for over a year and it was pretty serious, so he had no contact with her. But after he had broken up, he added her to his Facebook. Back then I used the NC-Rules and became very reserved towards him and his behaviour changed. He asked me how I was and told me he would miss me. When we met to exchange our books and clothes, he hugged me and held my hand, but told me he just wanted to be friends. After a while, hee asked me to have a coffee again and I turned him down, which made him angry and he begged and told me he would miss me, wanted to be my friend and how I could cut him out of my life so easily. He even got jealous, after I told him I had met someone interesting and asked me if I had kissed the other person yet. He mentioned that he had met this other woma, but they had not kissed our touched back then. My ex suggested a friendship with “cuddle-movie-nights” and I turned him down, because I was afraid he would dumped me as soon as he had seen this other girl again. So I ignored him and he started to like all my Facebook-posts and to post such “depri-ex-memes”, like “Sometimes, all you can do is to hug someone for the last time and let them go”. I didn`t react because I was not sure if those were meant for me or for this other girl. But I wanted him to contact me again so I made up a new relartionship. I started to play being in love with a friend and changed my relartionship-status. My ex did not react, but a few days later his new girl posted a pic of them together. Which means that they are really dating. I did not conact him about it, but continued to play my “I am all over you-game” and the result is that he unfriended me on Facebook today. I m wondering if this means that I have lost him and he really moved on. What can I do? I thought about sending a text asking him if we could be friends. Just in case you think, because of all this silly behaviour we are teenagers, we are both around 30 years old. 🙂 Thank you so much. Anna

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 10, 2016 at 8:19 am

      Hi Anna,

      yeah, it’s overboard to pretend that you have a relationship.. actually the jealousy tactics is not supposed to be that forward.. you can go out and date but don’t post pics of kissing each other or telling how you’re so in love with each other.. because that will push the other person away..

      okay for now.. stop with the fake relationship and start with the posts of your activities alone.. and don’t ask him to be friends because that would mean you’re chasing him.. also, you did the right thing of avoiding him when he wants to be friends with cuddles.. it’s like the start of being friends with benefits..

  17. Avatar

    Mari

    April 27, 2016 at 8:29 am

    My bf and I just broke up. He has been cheating on me with his ex. We have a slightly long distance relationship and he still lives with his parents. They hate me so they refuse to let me come visit him.

    This cheating has been going on this last month. He told me he didn’t want me to find out and it was just about sex. Suddenly he now has feelings for her.

    I understand she lives closer to him and he told me he needed sexual gratification since we have been fighting a lot lately and can’t see each other because of his parents, but now he also has feelings for her and can’t choose between me and her.

    In a few months he will be flying to Australia and we had plans to work and plan for him to get me there with him. But now I don’t know what’s going on since he has feelings for his ex (not in Aus).

    Our relationship was rough since we fought a lot, but we always made up. I invested a future in this man, he promised to never cheat and he wanted a future with me. Now she’s in the picture.

    He is my first real relationship and I thought he was the love of my life. I gave EVERYTHING to him. I’m only 20, he’s 32, we’ve been together 2 years. He’s been a part of my day for 2 years.

    What do I do? I’m afraid to do NC because I’m afraid she’ll be there for him and he’ll forget about me and lose whatever feelings he has left for me.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 27, 2016 at 9:44 am

      HI Mari,

      he’s the one who cheated, he should be the one worried of losing you.

  18. Avatar

    M

    April 1, 2016 at 5:05 am

    Hi Chris,
    I recently discovered your website and podcasts. This podcast specifically speaks to my situation. You see, in January 2015 I met SZ in Atlanta Georgia. The attraction was immediate and we began exclusively dating each other in early February. Everything was great until early March when SZ’s ex, RT, informed him that she was pregnant. This sent SZ into a tailspin. He began drinking heavily, and eventually lost his job. Because addiction runs in his family, SZ decided to leave Atlanta and attend rehab in Houston, and RT decided to end her pregnancy. Even through all of this SZ and I maintained our relationship. While he was in rehab, for the month of April, we emailed everyday and spoke on the phone when we could. Things were good. After SZ left rehab, in May, he decided it made the most sense for him to move home to his parents house in Austin. We continued to maintain our long distance relationship, but we hadn’t seen each other since March, and in late May SZ broke up with me. When I asked why, he said he had decided to get back together with his ex RT (who also lives in Atlanta where I live). I was devastated. But, I wanted him to be happy, and I figured if she made him happy I had to walk away. So I mailed him the belongings he’d left at my condo, and deleted his number emails, texts, and voicemails. It was painful, but, in time, I began to move on, I even went on a few dates. Then at the end of February 2016, After 7 months of silence, received a text from SZ saying “I hate to text you but I miss you and I’m sorry for everything. I hope you’re happy.” He then asked if he could call me. I said yes and we spoke on the phone briefly. We continued to text for the next five days. But then he stopped responding, and after a quick Google search of “why would your ex boyfriend who has a girlfriend say he misses you,” I discovered your website. After reading through your website I decided to enact NC. My NC is set to expire on April 5, 2016, and I want SZ back. But, I’m not sure what plan I’m supposed to use because my situation overlaps with so many of the situations you described. Which method would you recommend? Or is it time to move on?

    Thanks!
    M Confused in Atlanta

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 3, 2016 at 12:13 pm

      Hi M,

      if he’s still with rt, don’t get back with him.. If he really wants you back he’ll work for it.. He probably is in the rough time with her but if he gets in a rough time with you, will he go back to her again?

  19. Avatar

    Ronna

    March 29, 2016 at 12:55 am

    Me and my ex were in a LDR. We are both first gf and bf to each other. I am 22 and he is 27. We have been tgt for over 2 years and there was a year in LDR. We broke up about 2 weeks ago and now I am on NC 7th day. He broke up with me because he has feelings toward my best friend recently who is always around with him back in the UK. And my best friend told my ex and the others that she is gay all of the sudden. (She had relationships with guys before) I feel like my ex is still chasing after her, he even changed his whatsapp icon into a very handsome one just like the one Chris mentioned we should do. Although he still keeps the Facebook icon with me and him together. I really don’t know what he is thinking 🙁
    He hasn’t contacted me at all during my NC, I am so afraid that he has completely forgotten about me already. (He did ask me after the broke up when will the valentines gift I sent him arrive, cause it is still on its way for over 3 months to his country)
    Do you think I still have chance to get him back in this messy situation? Thanks a lot for reading my comment 🙂

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 3, 2016 at 5:26 am

      Hi
      Sorry for the late reply. The truth is you have to have time, money and a plan if you’re doing ldr otherwise there’s a slim chance it would work out. Take it slow, try to rebuild after no contact, and then see from there how he is with you.

  20. Avatar

    Poppy

    February 8, 2016 at 8:34 am

    So great reading this podcast and learning I’m not alone in this kind of situation!

    Met my ex on a 3 week overseas work trip last year. He is 39, I am 36 but we live on different continents. We got really close, he said I had a lot of qualities he looks for in a woman, and joked about marrying me. We both agreed it was a great trip! When the project ended, he wanted to keep in touch but without committing to a relationship.

    He sent me almost daily messages and photos, often invited me to visit, we talked every couple of weeks and after 3 months I accepted an invitation to his home for the holidays. In the fortnight leading up to my visit he was making plans but when I arrived told me he met someone new a week before. He says he hasn’t been looking and didn’t meet anyone else. Soon after, he realised the other woman is not right for him and said he told her it wouldn’t work; she also knew I was visiting but remains keen and confident they have a future together.

    We agreed for me to stay another 2 weeks. We spent a lot of that time with his family; he worried I wouldn’t be happy but I reassured him I understood they were important to him. He’s independent and introverted so I gave him lots of space, but even still, he told me after a few days he can’t manage a relationship and wants to focus on work. I suggested we stop thinking too far ahead and enjoy the present because I wasn’t sure what I wanted at that point.

    Now I have left, he repeated he doesn’t have time for a relationship, but was keen to hear my thoughts. I didn’t try to convince him, just said maybe we met at the wrong time. He doesn’t want to keep me as a friend, but I asked him get in touch sometimes just to let me know he is ok.

    Found this website, started NC and am on day 20 with no messages from him. The other woman keeps posting on his facebook, he is not in the same place as either of us but I wonder if he messages her instead of me.

    I won’t hold out but he did say he may visit my city in six months, plus his job will be more stable next year and though I didn’t tell him as much, I had been thinking I could move there if things worked out between us.

    1. Was NC a good idea or have I made things worse by opening the door for the new girl?
    2. How long for NC would you recommend, and what type of message to restart things?
    3. How do I communicate that I want to be with him but still let him chase me?
    4. Any other thoughts? I really value your straight thinking approach.

    P.S. I also came across this and wondered if he is a love avoidant; it might also apply to some of the other cases.
    http://www.networktherapy.com/Nancy-Greenlee/default.asp?pid=2180

    1. Avatar

      Poppy

      February 17, 2016 at 7:40 am

      Hi Amor, Have you spoken with Chris? Sure he has a ton to do but getting nervous now as approaching one month. Feel worse after hearing he has a girlfriend. Wonder if NC was wrong for my situation, though suspect all I would have managed to do by staying in contact is leave him unable to decide between us. Now feeling raw again, should I leave a bit longer before texting? No need to post this – just a reminder really. Thanks! 🙂

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 18, 2016 at 11:43 am

      I’ll ask him again tomorrow okay? ..

    3. Avatar

      Poppy

      February 14, 2016 at 9:23 am

      Thank you. I really care for this man and do want him to be happy. Before meeting me, he had not had a long term girlfriend for 5 years and believed he needed to make this “sacrifice” for work. He admitted meeting me made him think seriously about being in a “proper” relationship after a very long time. He dropped the other girl within only a few hours of my arrival and independent of my involvement, so I thought she was not a real threat. Now, three weeks after NC, she has been the one to benefit from his change of heart and my worst fear come true – I ended up being the catalyst! Where can I even go from here?

    4. Avatar

      Poppy

      February 13, 2016 at 8:25 pm

      Haven’t heard back yet but might be worth updating. My ex and the new girl are now official on social media – the day before valentines! Seems her brazen persistence won out. I am wondering if my NC gave the wrong signals (he did message to say hello three days back but I didn’t respond). There is yet another week before my 30 days are up but I feel it would be wrong to try and come between them if they are now together. What would Chris say?

    5. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 14, 2016 at 8:15 am

      I’ll talk to Chris after valentines and I’ll comment his take on this, ok? 🙂

    6. Avatar

      Poppy

      February 9, 2016 at 8:00 am

      Seems they are still in contact. You’re right, maybe he is not that serious but she did within a week get him to commit (albeit he broke it off when I arrived), to meet with her for a talk when I was in town, and won’t let him go! On a side note, he has a history of girlfriends who he felt got obsessed.

      She has the advantage of being new, a whirlwind romance that could not be realised, she strokes his ego more than I ever could, plus lives in his home town (which he hates but does visit).

      I have shared travel experiences, met his family and closest friends (pretty sure his mum likes me), plus he worked hard to win me over initially. Unfortunately I didn’t express my feelings for him and stuck around even after he told me he’d been seeing someone else.

      He might choose the easy and more certain path?

      Please do forward. If Chris has time, I would love his thoughts on my chances and by the way, I think you are wonderfully warm and kind in your replies, thank you so much! ☺

    7. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 10, 2016 at 1:42 pm

      Thanks Poppy! I will forward it to him.

    8. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      February 9, 2016 at 6:12 am

      Hi Poppy,

      Actually he made it clear that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now, that can be the reason why he’s not initiating contact after nc and if he is really serious about what he said, he might not be taking the other girl serious.

      Hmm, I think you can do 30 day nc and refer to the first contact texts that Chris gave as an example here: Texting An Ex Boyfriend (The New Rules) and decide which onces you have more leverage with.

      Chase, is a actually tricky. It’s like telling him one time that you like him and then not repeating again but making him want you by being mysterious and valuable. Mysterious meaning, he knows you like him, but then you’re not all over him while making him attractive to you physically. It’s actually an independent woman’s way. Women who know their self worth doesn’t have problem expressing their feelings but they don’t let it control their life. They dont’ beg for it.

      Basically that’s my take. 🙂 If you want Chris’ please don’t be shy asking me. I’ll forward this to him.

      And thank you for link for support for other commenters. 🙂

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