Your ex boyfriend has a new girlfriend…
It’s a frightening idea isn’t it?
Well, today we hear from Rosemary a woman who this has actually happened to.
I apologize on the sound quality of Rosemary’s question. I take full responsibility for it because it was one of the first questions I had actually received and I hadn’t quite figured out how to use the technical aspects of the podcast yet.
To recap for those of you who had a tough time making out what she was saying,
- She was with her ex for 2 years.
- They broke up 4 months ago.
- He got a new girlfriend after they broke up.
- He is making excuses to see her.
- She wonders if she has a chance.
Here is what I talk about in this episode,
What I Talk About In This Episode
- What it means when a man gets a new girlfriend after a breakup.
- Rebound relationships.
- Being a “Common Enemy”
- The grass is greener syndrome.
- Why an ex contacts you when he has a new girlfriend.
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
Reviewing my Podcast on iTunes
The New Girlfriend Game Plan
Do The No Contact Rule
This one is pretty self explanatory. You should do the no contact rule so you don’t make him feel wanted and he can’t get the best of both worlds by making you friends with benefits. After all, if he gets any of these things he isn’t going to leave his new girlfriend and come back to you.
Go On A Date With Someone Else
He might respond well to jealousy if you go on a date with someone else and subtly let it slip to him that you were on a date. I like the movie text which is outlined on this page.
Send “Memory Texts” To Ex Boyfriend
The idea here is to send text messages that your ex boyfriend will respond positively to and it will also alienate him from his new girlfriend and potentially cause a fight between them. USE THIS AT YOUR OWN RISK because it can backfire and you can become a common enemy between him and his new girlfriend.
Time Is Your Best Asset
Time is really your best asset when it comes to getting him back in this case since a lot has to happen. He has to break up with his new girlfriend, you have to build attraction and he has to want you back. So, be patient!
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I really need you guys to review the podcast on iTunes so it can continue to thrive.
So, please, please, please, please give me on honest review on iTunes,
Welcome to Episode 10 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I’m really excited to have you here today. Today we’re going to be talking about what to do if your ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. This is one of the more asked-about questions on my website, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery. I’m really excited to feature this question today and dive into what goes on in a man’s mind during this process.
Before I do, I have a side note. If you haven’t already subscribed or reviewed the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, please do it. If 30% of the people who listen to this podcast reviewed it on iTunes, we would be taking over iTunes. It would be crazy.
You don’t have to give a good review if you don’t like it. Just give an honest review. I’m trying to push more people to get out there and review this podcast. It would really help me personally. It would help the brand. It would even help you because it would extend the life of this podcast.
Let’s hear from Rosemary with today’s question:
“Me and my ex-boyfriend were together for two years. We broke up four months ago. He has a new partner. He still comes up, making excuses just to see me. Do you think we’ll ever get back together?”
Thanks, Rosemary, for your question. I know, for the listeners, it was a bit hard to hear her. That’s my fault. This was one of the very first questions that came through when I launched the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. I hadn’t really learned how to use the SpeakPipe application that allows you to send a voicemail over the internet. I take full responsibility that you couldn’t hear Rosemary’s question very well.
If you didn’t hear it very well, I’m going to recap it. Rosemary is wondering what to do if her boyfriend has a new girlfriend. This has happened to Rosemary. She was together with her boyfriend for two years. They broke up four months ago. He has a new girlfriend. Her boyfriend keeps making excuses to come see her. We’ll talk about that part later. She’s wondering if she has a chance at getting him back, and if she does, what should she do?
This is going to be a general episode. I’m going to give you the knowledge that you need to know about men who get new girlfriends after a breakup. I’m going to give Rosemary a game plan for how to approach the situation going forward.
The first thing I want to talk about today is what it means when an ex-boyfriend gets a new girlfriend. The first thing that I want to point out here is that we are not going to live in La-La Land. We’re going to think very logically and do whatever it takes to improve Rosemary’s chances of potentially getting her ex back.
I feel the need to put forth a little disclaimer here. If your boyfriend has a new girlfriend, your chances of success are slightly lower. I am a very strong proponent of percentages. Whenever I look at a situation, in my head, I do this mental percentage. It might be, “This has a 60% chance of success.” That might be for a general breakup. Certain situations will not have as much of a chance for success.
For example, if the girl cheated on her ex-boyfriend and she wants her ex-boyfriend back. Maybe that 60% chance gets dropped down to 30%. I would say that your chances are slightly lower when your ex-boyfriend has a new girlfriend but I have seen multiple cases where women have gotten their exes back when their exes have moved on.
The disclaimer is not to get a big head and live in some sort of dream world. It is not going to be easy to get your ex back if he has a new girlfriend. Your chances will be slightly lower, but it’s possible. It’s not an impossible task that some people like to make it out to be. It’s possible. I’ve seen hundreds of women in these situations succeed.
What does it mean when he gets a new girlfriend after a breakup? He immediately moves on to someone else. This can mean a lot of different things. The first thing that comes to mind is that he’s using the new girl to get over you. Men don’t move on as fast as you think. Here is an example to illustrate that point.
Let’s say that you were dating this guy and he broke up with you. Then, a week later, he’s on to some new girl. I’ll add some backstory. You dated him for over three years. After three years, he broke up with you. A week later, he found a new girl. He most likely will not have the connection or deep internal closeness with this new girl that he had with you. She’s just new.
It allows him to forget about you for a little bit. It’s hard going through a breakup. Men don’t want to deal with the emotions or sadness that goes around a breakup. What they might do is use another human being. This may not be the nicest thing for the other human being. A man can use another woman to distract himself for a little bit.
Here’s the issue. Sooner or later, he’s going to have to confront those feelings. When he does realize what he’s doing, using this girl, he’s not going to have the same intense feelings for her that he had for you. That could be one potential reason why a guy would get a new girlfriend.
Another reason that springs to mind is revenge. Sometimes a man will date a new woman to make his ex angry. You see this when men who move onto someone new rub it in their ex’s face. It’s like they’re saying, “Hey, look. I’m dating someone new. Look at me.” You see this a lot on Facebook with obnoxious pictures being consistently posted. Clearly, it’s meant for the other girl to see.
When women realize that he’s trying to make them angry, they get upset about this. They think, “Oh my God. He’s over me.” That’s not the case at all. Think about it. If a man is really over you, he’s not going to think twice about you. If he wants to get revenge on you, that means he’s thinking only about you. On some weird subconscious level, he still cares about you. He cares enough about what you think. You can use that to your advantage, which we’ll talk about later when we get to Rosemary’s situation.
Let’s move on to the next reason why men could potentially date a new girl. The next reason is kind of a downer. It is possible that he moves on to a new girl permanently. We cannot throw that out, unfortunately. I know that a lot of the women here are trying to get their exes back and their exes have moved onto someone else.
It may also be possible that they like the new girl and they want to move on with her. That’s not to say that you can’t potentially win him back. If that is the case then it’s hard. Let’s not live in a dream world here. If he likes the new girl and really thinks there’s a future there, then it might be best to let him go. That’s the honest truth.
Let’s talk about rebounds now. Rebounds really play into this a lot. There are two ways that I look at rebounds. Here is the first way. A rebound is defined in that your ex-boyfriend moves on super-fast after a relationship. He’s finding a way not to confront his feelings. There’s no way that he’s going to feel strong about this new girl if he’s moving on super-fast. Rebounds rarely ever work out in the end.
The thing that no one ever talks about with rebounds is the fact that, yes the time between the breakup and how fast it takes him to move on matters, but the time that he actually dated you matters as well.
Let me give you an example. If your boyfriend dated you for a year, broke up with you and then he’s on to a new girl a week later, this would be classified as a rebound. There is no way that he has gotten over a year-long relationship in a week. There’s no way that he’s going to have the same amount of feelings for this new girl as he did for you over the course of an entire year.
The one exception to this is if he dated you for a week and moved on a week later. I would say that it’s not likely a rebound in that case. That’s the interesting thing about rebounds.
You get this idea of the grass is greener syndrome coming into play. For those of you who don’t know, I’ve written a few articles about the grass is greener syndrome. I’ll put an article in the show notes of this episode. The grass is greener syndrome works in one way.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “The grass is greener on the other side?” Let’s imagine that you live in a house with a yard. You like your yard. You like it a lot. You work hard on it. But you start seeing other yards. You say, “Their yards are a little bit greener than mine.” You decide, “I’m going to get a new house with a new yard. I think it’s going to be greener than the yard I have.”
Sometimes, people get a new house and a new yard, and the yard is greener. Sometimes, it puts things in perspective and makes them realize, “The yard I had before was actually better.” The same principle applies to relationships. Sometimes a man can leave a relationship because he thinks in his head, “I can do better than her.”
Then when he moves on, he determines if he can or cannot. Sometimes he’ll find someone and think, “I’m glad I broke up with my ex-girlfriend. She wasn’t right for me. The new person I found is great.” Then you also get the men who break up with their ex-girlfriends, move on to someone else and start thinking, “Man, I made a mistake. My ex-girlfriend was 10 times better than what I thought. I can’t believe I did that.” This is the grass is greener syndrome.
This also comes into play when you get the new girlfriend. I like to tell women that men are always doing these comparisons. He’s going to compare his new girlfriend to you. In the relationship, you set the bar to a certain height. On the scale of where this bar can go, the lowest is a 1 and the highest is a 10.
Let’s say you set the bar at an 8. Your boyfriend gets used to it and takes it for granted. He decides, “I think I can find someone better than her.” He moves onto a new girl. He’s going to grade her on the same scale that he graded you on where you scored an 8. The only problem is that this girl scores a 6.
All of sudden, he’s going to look at these two comparisons. On the one hand, he was dating someone who scored an 8 on the scale. On the other hand, he’s currently dating someone who scored a 6 on the scale. He’s going to think, “I made a mistake. I need to go back to my ex.” That is what you’re hoping for. In a way, your chances of getting your ex-boyfriend back hinge on how your relationship worked with him and how much he enjoyed the relationship.
An interesting thing that can happen sometimes is, when he moves onto the new girl, he raises your score. Her score puts your score in perspective. Maybe you were a 7. Now he’s with the new girl and she’s a 4. He raises your score up to a 9. He thinks, “My God, I had it so good before.” Keep this in mind.
Let’s move on to Rosemary’s specific question. Let’s focus in on her game plan. When I look at Rosemary’s situation, there is one specific thing that really stuck out to me. That is the fact that her ex-boyfriend keeps finding ways or excuses to contact her while he has his new girlfriend. Rosemary, you and the listeners may be wondering why he’s doing that. There are a few reasons that come to mind.
The first is that he wants to feel wanted by you. This almost plays into the grass is greener syndrome and the bar theory that I explained. He is doing these comparisons between you and the new girl. Maybe the new girl isn’t making him feel wanted so he’s turning to you to pick up on her lack of success in that area. That could potentially be one reason that he’s contacting you.
Another reason is that he may want the best of both worlds. He may be trying to set up a friends with benefits situation, where you can make you into the friend with benefits and keep her clueless about the situation. He can kind of get both of you at once. That’s a mean thing to do, but that’s how guys are sometimes.
You may be wondering how you approach this situation. If you engage him, appease his need to feel wanted and give into the friends with benefits, he’s never going to break up with this new girlfriend. Why would he want to do that? He’s getting the emotional support he needs from you while getting physical benefits from you and also getting everything else that his new girlfriend is providing him. I’m assuming those are physical benefits. You do not want to feed his need to feel wanted in this particular case. He’s obviously not going to break up with his new girlfriend if that happens.
In this case, I recommend doing the no contact rule. It seems to me like you broke up with your boyfriend four months ago but you’re still in contact with him. You need to not contact him. You need to really work hard not to make him feel wanted right now. There is a time when that will become important in the future. Right now, you don’t want to make him feel wanted. The no contact rule is the best way to do that. Listen to my last episode, Episode 9 of the podcast, to gain more insight into the no contact rule. I’ll put some no contact links in the show notes of this episode so you can freshen up on it.
The no contact rule alone isn’t going to help you get him back. You want to work on yourself during the no contact rule. Go on a date with someone else. Make him aware of it in a very subtle way. Jealousy can work wonders in these situations. You may be thinking, “That’s kind of mean.” Think about it this way. What is he doing to you right now? You know he has a new girlfriend, yet he’s finding ways to contact you. It’s fair if you do the same thing to him a little bit. He’s setting the precedence here.
Use some jealousy tactics to your advantage. Go on a date with someone. Do not kiss them. Do not lead them on. Make it a friend date if you have to, but make it a date. Then, subtly let him be aware of it. The movie text is a great way to do this. The movie text is when you send your ex-boyfriend a text and say, “Hey, I saw a great movie with a friend.” Make sure there is emphasis on the friend so he will think, “Did she go with a guy or a girl?” His mind will go from there. He will think, “Oh my gosh. She went with a guy.” Hopefully, you’ll bring out some jealousy in him.
After this, the thing you don’t want to do is become a common enemy between him and his new girlfriend. You don’t want to become their common enemy. What happens when people have enemies? They unite together and work to destroy that enemy. The last thing you want to do is alienate him so much to where you become the common enemy. Let me backtrack. It’s not alienating him. It’s alienating his new girlfriend. She’s the one who can potentially unite them against you.
You may be wondering why I’m telling you not to become the common enemy. That’s because I’m using it as a warning for what I’m about to tell you next. This next tactic is one of the most important tactics that you’ll have to do. At the same time, use it at your own risk. It could potentially unite them against you.
What is this tactic? Send specific text messages to your ex-boyfriend. It seems like a simple thing. It seems like a hands off type of deal. It’s not like you’re trying to break them up. You’re just texting your ex. What you’re hoping will happen is that they get into a fight over this. She’s insecure about him texting his ex-girlfriend.
Personally, I think it would work on any guy if his ex-girlfriend was texting him and his current girlfriend got a hold of it. I think it would cause a fight between the two of them. You want to have him feel so alienated by her that he breaks up with her. You’re trying to get him back. That’s what you want to have happen. This is a subtle way to do it without being pushy about it.
It can backfire on you. It can unite them against you to where he brings it up to her and says, “Hey, she’s contacting me.” Rather than causing a fight between the two of them, it’s going to unite them against you.
Here is a side note. I talked to my wife about this. She was advising me on what she thought about this situation, specifically the texting your ex thing. She seems to think that the new girlfriend would give him an ultimatum, “It’s either her or me.” I think men hardly ever respond well to ultimatums. There are certain cases where they will respond well to them. I think if you really want to have an aggressive approach to getting him back, this is the way to go.
You may be wondering what kind of text messages to send to your ex-boyfriend. I’m going to put a link in the show notes to this episode of text messages. If you really want great messages to send your ex-boyfriend, you need to pick up Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, my ebook. That has step-by-step text messages that you can send to your ex-boyfriend.
I know I was a little spotty on this explanation at the end. Let me go over it again so you can grasp the game plan. The first part of the game plan is to do the no contact rule. You can do it from 30 to 90 days. I highly recommend 30 days. I don’t like 60 to 90 at all. I like the 30 day no contact rule. Step one is to do the 30 day no contact rule.
Step two is to use jealousy by going on a date with someone and using the movie text to slip it into your ex. Step three is using specific text messages to bring up past memories with your ex-boyfriend and potentially cause a fight that could be the demise of his current relationship. That’s the best game plan that I can think of for you. I don’t recommend being super aggressive about it. Time is really going to be your best asset here.
Like anything, relationships typically end. I think this is more of a rebound relationship. It seems like he dated you for two years and he’s onto this new girl. I don’t know how recent they’ve been dating, but it certain seems like they’re in rebound territory. Rebound relationships do end. Maybe you wait it out. If you want to be proactive and do something about it, the game plan I just gave you is the best one that I can come up with for your situation.
That’s Episode 10 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Thank you for listening. Please subscribe. Please leave an honest review on iTunes. It’s vitally important that this podcast gets reviews because it keeps the podcast up and running. It keeps it successful. That is something we definitely want to do. Thank you so much if you decide to leave a review. Thank you for listening. I’ll come out with another episode tomorrow. Episode 11 is going to be really interesting. I’ll see you tomorrow.