Episode 39…

Wow, we are almost to 40 episodes of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.

You have to admit that, that is pretty cool.

I have helped almost 40 women in very unique situations regarding their ex boyfriends.

Well, today is no different as we are going to hear from Lauren a woman who is in a lot of pain.

Lauren’s voice mail was so hard to listen to because you could tell she is hurting so much that I just wanted to do my best to help her.

Here is a quick recap of her situation,

  • She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years
  • She lived with him for 3 years
  • She found out that he cheated on her in April of this year
  • He gave some excuse about school, work, etc
  • She has a stable job and has her life together
  • Hypothesizes that he is afraid of commitment
  • He is seeing other women
  • He is in the process of moving out of their apartment

What I Talk About In This Episode

  • Why men cheat
  • Why I think Lauren’s boyfriend cheated on her
  • What Lauren is doing right
  • What Lauren is doing wrong
  • The simple yet challenging advice I give to Lauren
  • Remorse & cheating
Can I Get My Ex Back?
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Important Links Mentioned In This Episode

What Lauren Did Right Vs. What She Did Wrong

So I divided this up into two different categories.

What Lauren did right versus what she did wrong.

I am a pretty positive guy so lets start with what she did right first.

What Lauren Did Right

  • Her life is together

Laurens biggest asset right now is that she does seem to have a stable life (at least on the career side of things.) This is important because I can’t tell you how many women I have encountered that let their entire life go up in shambles because of a breakup.

Look, I get that you guys are hurting but you are just digging yourself a bigger hole if you end up hurting other aspects of your life on top of your relationship tanking.

What Lauren Did Wrong

  •  Showing him that she wanted him back even after he cheated on her

Laurens ex boyfriend doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong by cheating on her. At least, that is what his actions say. By catering to him and showing him that she wants him back Laurens ex can almost develop this god complex where he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong.

Podcast Transcript

Welcome to Episode 39 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today I have a really special episode planned for you. We’re going to hear from a woman who is named Lauren.

Before I get to that, let’s talk about things going on behind the scenes. In the last episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I talked a lot about pregnancy and exes. I mentioned that I was going to go forward with the coaching idea. But I also mentioned that I was working on an ebook, almost like a texting dictionary.

The idea behind this ebook is to create a resource that you can turn to whenever you have a question about text messages. You can turn to a text message and use it. It will be successful in helping you get your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband back. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fully achieve that goal.

It turns out, writing a texting dictionary is a lot harder than it sounds, but I’m giving it my best shot. With what I’ve written so far, I am super pumped to get this out for you. Within the next two weeks, I’m hoping to have that out. There are a lot of aspects that go into writing a book like this. It’s not going to be as expensive as my other book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, which is currently at $47.

I’m thinking of pricing the texting bible around $29. I think that’s a fair assessment for the value that this book is going to bring. It will have well over hundreds of text messages that you can flip to and use in your situation. It will have a lot of information about the proper way to text. Without a doubt, the most questions I get are on the no contact rule and texting.

What text message should I send to him if this happens? What text message should I send if he doesn’t respond? What text message should I send in general? I’m going to attempt to answer all of these questions in this book so that you have one resource to fall back on. I wanted to give you a quick update about that book. I know that a lot of you will be interested in it.

Today we’re going to hear from a woman named Lauren who is going through a really difficult time right now. I’m going to do my best to help her. I think those of you listening can get a lot out of her situation. She has found herself in a bit of a pickle. It’s not her own doing. Her ex is a little difficult to deal with, I think.

Let’s hear from Lauren:

“Hi, Chris. My name is Lauren. I had been with my ex-boyfriend for four years. We lived with each other for the past three. I found out that he cheated on me in April with a girl he went to school with. He said he did it because he was feeling bad about school, even though he was doing well. He was nervous about finding a job in the future.

Things weren’t going well with me because I was stable. I have a job and my life is fairly predictable. I think he was nervous about committing to something that stable and predictable. He wanted to be able to travel at the drop of a hat. We had a dog. I think he was feeling very conflicted. One day, I said, “Do you love me?” He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Do you care about me?” He said, “Yes.” Then I said, “Do you want to be with me right now?” He said, “I don’t know.” I figured that was my answer and we broke up. We have begun the slow and painful process of moving out. He is moving out. I’m staying here until September 1st when I can move into my new place. He still play-fights with me. He still texts me even though I don’t initiate conversation with him. I know he’s seeing other girls. How do I get him back even though he’s moving out? Thanks.”

Hi, Lauren. Thanks so much for your voicemail. I want to express my gratitude that you had the guts and were willing to record this voicemail. You are clearly in a highly emotional state. It’s not always easy to put yourself out there for the world when you’re in a really vulnerable state. I really do appreciate you reaching out.

Hearing your voicemail, I was encouraged to help you out as much as I can. I cannot guarantee that you will get your ex back. No one can. What I can guarantee is that, if you listen to what I have to say, your chances will improve. Whether or not you want to implement what I have to say is completely up to you. I understand if you don’t.

I understand if you choose to go your own route. Just know that I have a lot of experience in helping women get back with their exes, and lots of women in your particular situation. I do have a pretty credible track record. There are not many other experts that consult for free like I do.

What I have to say may not be 100% easy to hear, but I think you need to hear it. It will give you a better chance of getting your ex back. Before I get into that, I want to express my gratitude. Thank you for having the guts and being willing to put yourself out there. Towards the end, you were crying a little bit. You are very highly emotional. I completely understand. I sympathize with you. I am going to do my very best to help you.

For those of you listening, let’s do a recap of Lauren’s situation. It looks like Lauren has been dating her boyfriend for four years, which is a rather long time. Lauren did not specify exactly how old she was. I’m assuming she’s in her mid-twenties. It seems like she’s just out of college and into a job. She has a stable life. Her ex-boyfriend seems like he’s still in college.

He’s still trying to figure out his life. They’ve been dating for four years. I don’t know the facts and I’m making an assumption that they’re in their mid-twenties. It looks like they’ve been living together for three years. They’ve been dating for four years and living together for three years. She found out that he cheated on her in April with one of his classmates.

I’m assuming that she confronted him about it. I’m assuming there was a lot of anger. It seems like he gave the common excuse that you hear from men who get caught cheating. He did it because he was feeling bad about school. He did it because he didn’t have a job or a consistent life. Whereas, Lauren on the other hand has a stable job.

She has her life together and is rather predictable, which I think is completely awesome. As a man, I enjoy more stable people as opposed to unstable people. I am a little puzzled by that, Lauren, that he is not accepting of your situation. I’m assuming there is some jealousy there that you have your life together and he does not have his life together.

You think that he is nervous about a deeper commitment. That is probably the case here. At his age, he’s probably not 100% ready to settle down. He still has some things he wants to get out of his system. I think you hit the nail on the head here with your assumption that he’s not ready for a deeper commitment.

It also seems like he always wanted to travel at the drop of a hat, whereas maybe you weren’t so into that. Maybe you were into weekend getaways and he wanted these long excursions to these exotic places. You mentioned that you had a dog. The two of you broke up after the cheating incident. You began the slow, painful process of moving out. That is always a painful process, especially when you’ve spent three years of your life living with the same person. Lauren, it seems to me like you’re very in love with this guy.

He still play-fights and texts you but he is seeing other women. You are wondering how you can get him back when he is moving out. This is a rather complicated situation.

The first thing I’d like to talk to you about is the cheating incident. I’m going to talk about why men cheat in general. Then I’m going to talk about why I think your boyfriend cheated on you, Lauren. Let’s talk about men in general.

There is the famous phrase that says men cheat for physical reasons and women cheat for emotional ones. That means that men get horny and women grow attached to someone, and then they cheat. As stereotypical as that sounds, it is usually the case.

Usually, a man just doesn’t have control of his testosterone. He goes out there and cheats. He’ll feel a little guilty afterwards. Women, on the other hand, cheat more emotionally. If they aren’t receiving something in the relationship from the man, they usually bond with someone else and then start an affair with them.

Here’s the interesting difference between men and women. Men are more likely to have these one-night stand situations. These are situations where it’s one and done. When women start an affair, it is a long affair. It doesn’t end all of a sudden. It’s not a one-and-done situation. We’re here talking about men. Men usually cheat for physical reasons.

There are a number of underlying factors that cause them to cheat. Number one could be that they find someone else more attractive than the girl they’re with, which I think is despicable. I think anyone who cheats is despicable. If you’re listening to this and you have cheated, I do not condone what you are doing and I do not like the action that you took. I will talk about your boyfriend relating to that in a second, Lauren.

Men usually cheat for physical reasons. One of the reasons could be that they find the other girl wildly attractive. Another reason could be that they are getting a little bored in their relationship and want to spice it up. I have a friend who has told me this before. He was dating a girl for five years, which is a long time.

He dated her all the way through from high school to college. I know that it was probably more of an immature relationship as opposed to someone who is married and has a deeper commitment. I always think back to that one incident where we were sitting at a restaurant, having a beer. We were talking back and forth. I asked him, “How is your girlfriend?” I wouldn’t be telling this story if he was currently dating the girl. I am not a fan of hurting people’s feelings, especially people that I know. I haven’t said his name, but he’s no longer dating this girl. There’s probably a reason why.

I was having this conversation with him. We were having a beer or two. I asked, “How is your girlfriend doing?” He looked me in the eye and told me something that I will never forget. He said, “She’s my best friend. I love her to death but after five years, it’s getting kind of boring. I almost want to break up with her, do a bunch of other girls and then get back with her and get married to her.”

This is the mentality of a man who has grown bored in his relationship. He is going to look elsewhere. Half of that is his fault and half of that is his girlfriend’s fault. His girlfriend didn’t do a good job of spicing things up or keeping him interested. Half of it is his fault with the fact that he was acting like a scumbag. I’m not afraid to say that.

Lauren, when I look at the facts in your situation, there are a few things that jump out in my mind. You dated for four years. The story I just told about my friend and his ex-girlfriend is interesting because I think a similar type of thing happened here. I think he grew bored of your relationship, saw an opportunity elsewhere and jumped on it. Is that partly your fault? Perhaps.

Maybe you could have spiced things up. Maybe you could have kept things interesting. That does not excuse what he did. I don’t know how far he went with this other girl that he cheated with. What he did was despicable. From what I can tell, it seems like you genuinely want him back. You have a lot of strong feelings for him. I am disappointed in him, mostly for how he’s reacting.

You are well aware that men cheat for physical reasons. I have two sites. I have Ex-Boyfriend Recovery that deals with women who want their ex-boyfriends back. Then I have Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, which deals with men who want their girlfriends back. At Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, men sometimes come to me who have cheated on their girlfriends, which is really bad.

There is no excuse for it. They want advice on how they can get their ex-girlfriend back. They show an insane amount of remorse.

Lauren, your ex-boyfriend does not seem to show any remorse at all. Instead, he’s greeting you with, “I was feeling bad about school,” or “I don’t have a job. I feel bad about my life.” That’s pathetic. No self-respecting man should say that.

Quite frankly, you shouldn’t let him get away with it. I don’t think you did. Obviously, you are very emotional right now. You’re just going through a breakup. You’re hurt. The fact that he’s showing no remorse is a problem. It means he doesn’t think what he did was bad. He doesn’t think what he did was wrong. If you’re going to get him back, he needs to feel that remorse.

The game plan I’m going to give you here is tailored to making him regret cheating on you. This is not about revenge. I’m not into that. This is about making him regret cheating on you. He needs to show some sort of remorse for what he’s done. If he doesn’t think he did anything wrong then he’s not going to respect you in a relationship. What he did was absolutely wrong. There is no excuse for it.

Right now, I’m going to give you two things. I’m going to tell you what you are doing wrong, Lauren. I’m going to tell you what you are doing right. I’m a glass-half-full kind of guy and you are doing a few things right. But you are doing a lot wrong, from what you told me about your situation.

From there, I’m going to give you some rather simple advice that I want you to follow to a T. It should raise the chances that he will have of regretting cheating on you and the breakup. Ultimately, down the road, hopefully he will come to his senses and want to get back together with you, if you want it at that point.

First, let’s talk about what you are doing right. You mentioned that he feels bad that he’s in school, or whatever his lame excuse was, that he doesn’t have a job. You mentioned that you were the opposite. You had a stable life. You had a good job. Your career was going well. You had a predictable life, which he seems envious of, to me.

He seems to want that. As weird as it may sound, men want to be the breadwinner of the household. We want to be the one who provides. Men are the hunters and women are the gatherers. That’s how men think. We need to provide and protect our women.

I will buy into the fact that he does feel inadequate because of that. That doesn’t mean that you should tank your career because of his feelings. That’s absolutely ridiculous. I think, even though it could be considered a negative that you’re doing so well in your life, there are a lot of positives that go with it. I think the positives outweigh the negatives any day of the week. The thing that you are doing right is that you have your life together with the exception of the relationship aspect.

I have this theory called the holy trinity theory. They are the three most important aspects of every human being’s life. They are health, wealth and relationships. The idea is to create this synergy between these three aspects of life. As a result, we will feel fulfilled. If your health and wealth are high, and you have great relationships with your partner and friends, you can feel fulfilled in your life.

You can feel like you’ve accomplished life’s goals. You’ve won at life, so to speak. I think this is the mentality that you need to have, Lauren. I think you need to really work on furthering the synergy you’ve already created with your health, wealth and relationships. Obviously, the relationship part is a little rocky right now because you’re going through a breakup.

But your wealth and your health are things that you have complete control over. By improving these two aspects, there is a synergy between all three aspects of this holy trinity. By improving your health and wealth, your relationships will rise. Why? By improving your health and wealth, you appear more attractive to the opposite sex.

As a result, your relationships rise. It works the same way in other aspects. By improving your relationships and wealth, your health will increase as well because you will feel happier inside. There is a lot of interesting synergy between the three. The challenge of getting these three things to function at a high level is almost impossible.

You only have 24 hours in a day to dedicate to one or two of these three aspects. It’s really hard to create a schedule that works on your health, wealth and relationships all at the same time. Sometimes we put more work into our wealth, and our relationships and health decline. Sometimes we put more work into our health, and then our relationships and wealth decline. You have to find the synergy to give each section of the holy trinity its due time. It needs time. It needs pruning to improve.

The thing I think you’re doing right is that you do have your life together. I do think you should continue that momentum, if anything, to heal inside. Getting him back right now is going to be extremely difficult. Number one, he doesn’t have any remorse for the cheating. Number two, you are an emotional wreck. If you’re going to get him back, you need to approach this from a position of strength.

The number one mistake that I see a lot of women make is that they approach getting an ex back from a position of weakness. They do this through crying, begging and text gnatting. These are poor tactics. They put my tactics into practice half-assed. They don’t do a good job. The better strategy is to compose yourself. Get all the other aspects of your life in order. Get all your ducks in a row. Then try to get your ex back. He’ll find you more attractive if you’re more logical and powerful.

There is something to be said about a powerful woman. Not a threatening woman. There’s a difference between a threatening woman and a powerful woman. A powerful woman knows how to play a man. She knows how to play the game. A powerful woman who know how to play the game, an un-gettable girl, will not approach a situation balling her eyes out trying to get her ex back. She’s going to approach it from a position of strength.

Right now, Lauren, I think that’s what you need to do. I think you need to get these three aspects of your life in synergy. Get them performing at a high level. Then try to get your ex back.

Of course, you are doing a few things wrong, mostly regarding the cheating. The first thing is the fact that you want him back after he cheated. That gives him a sense of power. I want you to do your best to try and understand what I’m about to tell you. It’s really important. He cheated on you. You didn’t cheat on him.

He was the one who cheated on you. He flirted with another girl. He either kissed the other girl or slept with the other girl. I don’t know the whole situation. I really hope he didn’t sleep with the other girl. If he did, that is the worst thing he could possibly do to you in a relationship. Infidelity is the worst thing that can be done to another person in a relationship.

Here’s the trick. By you showing him that you want him back, he feels powerful. He feels he has control over you. He feels he can get away with murder. If he can cheat on you and sleep with another girl, and you still want him back, he’s living the life. He has you on the hook. He can have his cake and eat it, too. Do you see where that’s a problem? You cannot show him any emotion. You need to be cold. You need to make him understand that what he did was wrong. You need to make him understand that you’re not going to be easy. If he’s going to try to get you back, he has to win you back. Men like to win things. We don’t go out of our way for something easy. We go out of our way for something that’s hard to get.

I’ll use my wife as an example. My wife was not an easy woman to get. She made me essentially move across the country to get her. I was happy to do it. Do you know why? Because it’s in my wiring. I am a man. As a man, I am hardwired to hunt things. I am hardwired to chase. It’s the woman’s job to be the chasee. It’s the man’s job to be the chaser.

Right now, you’re the chaser and he’s the chasee. The dynamic is so strange because he’s the one who cheated. He’s the one who should be begging you to take him back. It seems like the dynamic has shifted. We need to reset this dynamic. It’s not right. In his hardwiring, he’s going to think, “I can have my cake and eat it, too.”

I know you want him back, but if I help you get him back, the way things are right now, I think it’s possible, but I think he will cheat on you again. He has to show remorse. You need to make him show remorse.

I’m going to give you a simple piece of advice. I want you to follow it to a T. I want you to understand that, sometimes in order to get the guy, you have to be willing to lose the guy. If you lose this guy, Lauren, it is not going to be the end of the world. That’s the mentality you need to have if you’re going to succeed at this.

Besides, it’s also a way of protecting your feelings. Right now, how you feel and your well-being is my priority. His well-being is not my priority. Right now, you want him back. I understand that. But in order to have that successful relationship that I want you to have, Lauren, he needs to feel remorse for what he’s done. He needs to beg for you back. The dynamic needs to switch. He needs to be the one coming to Ex-Girlfriend Recovery and trying to figure out how to get you back.

Here is the simple advice I’m going to give you. Right now, you’re in the process of moving out. If you’re living together, this is going to be a little bit more challenging. The people listening to this are probably going to be mad that they listened all the way through for this simple advice. But it will be effective, I believe. You need to perform the no contact rule on your ex to a maximum extent. It needs to be 30 days where you do not talk to him at all. Obviously, if you live with him, you will be forced to be in situations where you will have to talk to your ex. That’s fine. Be cold towards him. Use one-word answers. Don’t be mean to him. Be cold towards him. Make him understand that something is wrong.

Make him think that your feelings for him are gone, even though they’re not. After the no contact rule, you will put my strategies into effect to try to get him to win you back. Right now, he needs to feel remorse. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong.

You need to make him come to the realization that, “Oh my God. She’s not as easy as I thought. I thought I had her easy.” All of this play-fighting crap where he’s tickling you, you’re not having any of it. You’re not hugging him. You’re not play-fighting with him. You are not texting him.

For the next 30 days, he is dead to you. This is the way that will make him feel remorse for what he’s done, which is important. You need to get him in that mindset. You need to make him feel guilty and bad about what he did. Right now, his actions do not match those of a guilty person.

My best piece of advice is to let him move out and do the no contact rule on him for 30 days. Then after the no contact rule, reassess the situation. For now, let’s take this one step at a time. Do the no contact rule for 30 days straight. I explained my reasoning to you. This will hopefully shift the dynamic into your favor, into the way it should be.

Lauren, that’s my best piece of advice for you. You’re probably hungering for more in-depth information. After a week or so, you could leave me another voicemail and I could do a part two of this advice to prepare you for what to do after. For right now, I’m giving you one simple task. I think one simple task is going to be a lot easier for you to implement as opposed to giving you seven tasks.

Right now, just do 30 days of no contact. I explained my reasoning to you. I think you’re a smart woman and you will do it. There is no pressure. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this and following my advice, you don’t have to. Just know that I have a lot experience dealing with exes. I have gotten hundreds, if not thousands, of exes back together.

Doing the no contact rule is essential. I think, after this no contact rule, you are going to feel so much better than you feel right now. You’re going to feel so much more powerful. You’re going to feel like you have him in the palm of your hand, as opposed to him having you in the palm of his.

That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you’re listening to this and you’re in a similar situation to Lauren, use this advice. This is excellent advice. This is the best advice I can give someone in this situation. Do the no contact rule. I explained the reasoning behind that. I explained what’s going through a man’s mind during the no contact rule. That’s going to do it for this episode. I will see you next week.

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63 thoughts on “EBR 039: Dealing With An Ex Boyfriend Who Cheats”

  1. Avatar

    Zoe

    February 2, 2020 at 9:25 am

    Hi Chris,
    Thanks for your advice on this topic. I actually ran into a similar situation with my ex boyfriend. We were together for almost 7 years and the recent year was in LDR. A month ago we were travelling together after one year hadn’t seen each other, I found out he’s been having an emotional affair with his coworker, who is married and a Christian btw, shocking!! My ex and I both are Christians btw; he is 33 and I’m 35. I felt he was distancing from me since like 3 months before this long-planed trip together and I did not put any thoughts into it until I found his text messages to that woman. They texted everyday even he was travelling with me. She said something like “are you even trying with your gf or thinking about me all the time?” Then he said “both.” Then she asked “Thinking about me what?” He said “unhelpful thoughts.” Blah blah blah… I immediately confronted him and he said he was sorry to hurt my feelings but assured that nothing special between them. “(After all) she is married.” He said. I asked him if he felt boring towards our relationship and if he wanted to be free then we could breakup. Then he cried and said he was happy with me. Then I told him to set up clear boundary with this coworker and he said okay. However, he cut all my access to his phone, laptop, etc. for he said my behavior (checking his private messages) was so invasive. After our trip, we went back to our own countries (he lives in SF and I lives in Shanghai). Things started to get up and down. Although he said he loved me and missed me every day, he could not make time to do facetime as we used to. Every night he said worked until midnight and always been so tired to have any mood to talk to me. He is a lawyer, so work overtime is not unusual; I’m a lawyer too so I can understand. But on Saturday night, he chose to hang out with his coworkers instead of having facetime with me (we used to spend like 5 hours on facetime on each Saturday; we watched movies together and playing video games over the video calls). So last Saturday night, he texted my in his afternoon said he was busy and tied up tonight. I just had the gut feeling that he went out with his coworkers and got drunk again (yes, he got drunk every time when he went out his coworkers!). He went silence and ignored my text messages for the whole night until in his early morning he texted me said goodnight and love you. I asked him did he go out and have fun with buddies? He did not reply. Then I blew up! I was so angry and could not help imagine that that woman also went out with them and enjoyed the whole night with my man. I was soo angry and I nagged him by text messages. The next day (in his afternoon) he texted me said he did went out with his coworkers after hard work and he just want to relax with his friends. He said he did not want to tell me what he was doing because he didn’t want to deal with my questions and he just wanted some space to be his own! Then I texted if you want a breakup then that’s fine, but you need to be completely honest with me at least that’s what I deserve! Then he responded an hour later, “I don’t know what I want, but I definitely cannot do it like any more. Maybe we need to take a break.” Then I texted back “okay.” So that’s it. It’s been a week and we haven’t talked to each other. I am planning to do the NC for 45 days. I did contacted his mom after the breakup and told her what her son did. His mom and I are very close and his family is like a second family to me. The reason I want to let his mon know about this is I know my ex would never tell his mom what he did to our relationship and he probably won’t tell his parents that we broke up for he never ever shared any personal feelings with his family, which is weird that he shared so many feelings with that woman, so I’m afraid he did not even realize that he’s been falling for her. I told her mom just pretend that she did not hear our breakup and don’t mention it in front of his son unless he wants to talk about it. I don’t know if my talk with her mom was a stupid mistake… Anyway I am still angry at his cheating behavior! Gosh, it feels so good to type this down!

  2. Avatar

    Missy

    February 1, 2019 at 3:31 pm

    Hi, I’ve been dating my bf for 3 months. We’ve had fights about him talking to girls & sending Snapchat’s & stupid things on Instagram. The girls were more annoying but he didn’t cut them off when I asked. When he knew I was really mad & very serious he deleted one from everything because I didn’t like how she acted. He was fine doing that to make me happy. I never thought the other girl was a problem. She’s young & has an obsession but lives at school & only comes home occasionally. We got in a fight one day. He blew me off & went out & barely responded to my texts all day. His phone kept dying which made it worse. He never came over that night & sleeps over almost every night. He came Back in the morning to get his work stuff & apologized. After 2 weeks I saw in his phone that he was talking to that girl & he kept saying he didn’t see her. The next night I looked at his phone again & went thru even more & realized he got an Uber to her house the next day. I went off. He finally admitted she met him out & she slept at his house. He apologized saying he would do anything to fix this swore they didn’t sleep together maybe kissed but he passed out he was so tired. I told him I’m more angry about the lies because I have trust issues as it is & he said he will do anything to earn it back. I told him to message her & tell her that was a mistake & he has a gf & told me everything & wants nothing to do with her. He said yes but then said no because he doesn’t want to talk to her at all but if she messages him he will tell her. He deleted her from everything so she would have to text him to ask. I said i would give this one last chance because when I was younger & cheated on a bf I wanted another chance & know how it feels but I Also said I don’t want him to think he can keep getting away with things by apologizing & asking for another chance because I’m not a sucker & not playing that game. I told him he has the next few days to step it up & put in effort & after the weekend if I don’t see a change or he acts like he did I’m gone. He says ok but I’m not sure he takes me seriously. I will cut him off if he doesn’t try to spend time together but I keep getting so mad about this & bringing it up causes more fights. What should I do & how can I make him really take my seriously & get it together? I know he loves me very much but I want him to realize I can replace him & not deal with that stuff & he can’t act like that & get away with it. I want to give it another chance but I also want him to know I’m so mad & disgusted too. Help! I don’t know what to do.
    Also he said he thought we were done that night because i kept saying I was dont because I was annoyed he wasn’t responding. I said I say that to him when I’m mad so that’s what he’s going to do? He said no. He says he made a big mistake he feels bad he wants to fix things & be with me he loves me so much. He’s also around my son all the time so that adds to it. I just want him to know how serious i am & really step up & fix things but I’m not sure I can trust him. I would hope he’s not dumb enough to do it again but he’s younger than me so I don’t know.

  3. Avatar

    Missy

    February 1, 2019 at 3:23 pm

    Hi, I’ve been dating my bf for 3 months. We’ve had fights about him talking to girls & sending Snapchat’s & stupid things on Instagram. The girls were more annoying but he didn’t cut them off when I asked. When he knew I was really mad & very serious he deleted one from everything because I didn’t like how she acted. He was fine doing that to make me happy. I never thought the other girl was a problem. She’s young & has an obsession but lives at school & only comes home occasionally. We got in a fight one day. He blew me off & went out & barely responded to my texts all day. His phone kept dying which made it worse. He never came over that night & sleeps over almost every night. He came Back in the morning to get his work stuff & apologized. After 2 weeks I saw in his phone that he was talking to that girl & he kept saying he didn’t see her. The next night I looked at his phone again & went thru even more & realized he got an Uber to her house the next day. I went off. He finally admitted she met him out & she slept at his house. He apologized saying he would do anything to fix this swore they didn’t sleep together maybe kissed but he passed out he was so tired. I told him I’m more angry about the lies because I have trust issues as it is & he said he will do anything to earn it back. I told him to message her & tell her that was a mistake & he has a gf & told me everything & wants nothing to do with her. He said yes but then said no because he doesn’t want to talk to her at all but if she messages him he will tell her. He deleted her from everything so she would have to text him to ask. I said i would give this one last chance because when I was younger & cheated on a bf I wanted another chance & know how it feels but I Also said I don’t want him to think he can keep getting away with things by apologizing & asking for another chance because I’m not a sucker & not playing that game. I told him he has the next few days to step it up & put in effort & after the weekend if I don’t see a change or he acts like he did I’m gone. He says ok but I’m not sure he takes me seriously. I will cut him off if he doesn’t try to spend time together but I keep getting so mad about this & bringing it up causes more fights. What should I do & how can I make him really take my seriously & get it together? I know he loves me very much but I want him to realize I can replace him & not deal with that stuff & he can’t act like that & get away with it. I want to give it another chance but I also want him to know I’m so mad & disgusted too. Help! I don’t know what to do.

  4. Avatar

    Fifi

    July 27, 2017 at 10:39 am

    Hi Chris & team!
    My husband who I have been with for a decade has emotionally cheated for months. Upon confrontation he blamed my lack of attention and appreciation. I take no responsibility for the cheating but I did apologise for my neglect on our marriage amongst motherhood. He had no remorse and wanted to leave. For the sake of my kids I asked him for another try. While we tried working things out he lied and continued to speak with the OW and asked her to see him. So I left him. There were several days of no contact until he asked to see the kids. Even then he still did not apologise or address our situation/relationship. Until I wanted to talk about a visitation schedule for the kids, he said he wants to work it out and that he’s stopped contact with the OW and understands what he did was wrong but it’ll take him a while to competely empathise with how I felt. I told him I’m not sure and that his lack of action spoke volumes that he did not care. He said he wanted to give me space and he needed time to think. I want us to be a family again. We are living separately. Should I leave home when he is here visiting the kids? How long should I do limited contact? I don’t want to make the same mistake as before where he felt I was too easy and I need him to be trully sorry and remorseful. How will I know when he is trully sorry and how long thereafter should I wait until we try living together again?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 29, 2017 at 7:44 pm

      Hi fifi,
      Do at leadt 30 days, and yes, it would be better of you’re not there when he is.. It depends on you on when you would be comfortable enough to live with him

  5. Avatar

    Tania

    April 7, 2017 at 12:30 am

    Hi Chris,

    Your website is being very insightful and I’m really glad I came across it! *** Sorry for the long message!!
    I dated my ex for 2 1/3 months, being 9 of those in the same city, and than he had to move back to his hometown to finish his masters, during that period we talked about doing an open relationship, which didn’t even last a week because we both got really jealous and decided to try it exclusively LDR. I went to visit him over thanksgiving and stayed over his parents and all, in the course of the next months we saw each other three times, all being exclusive. Later in June (2016), I had to move to another country, in which we decided it would be better to open our relationship and so we did. I saw a couple of guys and him some girls, we agreed we wouldn’t date those people and be open about having a bf/gf. Our relationship in this period got very shaken, he would spend days without talking to me and in response I wouldn’t reply to him for days too. I even broke things up and was about 10 days without talking to him, later on we sorted things out and he went to visit me. During this period we got very close together and he apologized for his behavior and asked for us to be exclusive again, which I accepted and we talked everyday and I was happy how things were. Fast forward to this year, I got a job offer in Mexico for a period of six months and we started discussing the possibility of me moving to his city in June and getting married, so this last month I went to visit him and found out he slept with another girl after he himself asked us to be exclusive and was also active in tinder constantly talking to girls and inviting them out, as well as dated a girl when we were open while we agreed on not dating anyone. I got very angry and broke things up, his excuse was that he thought I cheated on him while living in Mexico as I went out with my friends to clubs and bars, so he assumed I was out there with other guys. We had to spend the next day together because my flight was in the morning, that day he kept saying he loved me and that he was sorry, also that what we had was special and that I shouldn’t take it for granted. So, since I’ve been back home I haven’t talked to him, only to reply his message asking me to please let him know I arrived safe, which I replied with a cold I’m home, thanks. I’m very confused, I really don’t know yet if I want him back, I do love him dearly and wish thing would be different, but what he did hurt me because he was the one who said he didn’t want to be with anyone else, meanwhile sleeping with other people, but mostly because he lied to me when I confronted him. I asked him not to contact me, which he did for the first week, only to message me a lengthily message yesterday, in resume saying: “I tried to give u space but not talking to you over a week is killing me, I f* up really bad and I want to apologize in person because when u where here I did a poor job. I love you and what we have together deserves a chance and I can make big changes if you let me.” He has a ticket booked to visit me in two weeks from now, which I asked him to cancel when I was visiting him and he said he wouldn’t because he would come and make me change my mind. My question is: If I can overcome the fact that he lied to me and was actively dating other people and decide I want back, will the no contact rule work to make sure he don’t do it again? I know he loves me and I love him back, but I don’t want this to happen again as I am insecure he will cheat on me again and lie to me above all. If yes, how long should I apply the NCR as he has a ticket for April 22th? As well as, how do I even reply after the NCR time is due? Thank you for your help in advance and hope my broken english, as well my long ramble, isn’t too exhausting to read!
    Best T.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 7, 2017 at 3:20 pm

      Hi
      your messages went through but they went to spam.. the ncr can’t make somebody else change.. it can only help you be more rational…

  6. Avatar

    Tina T.

    April 5, 2017 at 7:56 pm

    I made a post about my situation but says it went through but I think it was deleted!
    Can someone confirm it was received?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 7, 2017 at 3:20 pm

      Hi
      your messages went through but they went to spam.. the ncr can’t make somebody else change.. it can only help you be more rational…

  7. Avatar

    Heather

    September 15, 2016 at 6:21 am

    It’s been a while since the last time I posted. Around the last time that I posted, I had been in contact with my ex. Most of our interactions were positive but I felt like I was the only one putting in effort. I finally pulled an “actions speak louder than words” and decided the only way I would ever show him my most recent change of not being a push over anymore was to delete him off of everything. I went into no contact for a while. I’d honestly be hitting another 30 days without seeing or speaking to him this Friday but then all hell broke loose today.

    I found out that two weeks after my ex moved to his new city (the one that he convinced me to move to and then broke up with me a week prior to my moving date because I was “emotionally unstable”) he cheated on me. While he claims he didn’t have sex with anyone and simply went on dates with them, he admitted that he had intended on sleeping with them. Did he tell me this stuff to my face? Hell no. I found out via a podcast he was featured on instead. I broke my NC to finally end things completely. Prior to today he had still been stalking my social media. I was recently booked for a performance that he recently favorited and retweeted. After hearing the news today that he cheated, I finally said enough was enough.

    When I confronted him, he didn’t deny it. He didn’t admit it. Instead, he shifted the blame on me and made it out like the only reason I’m gathering success in my new found city with my career is because of him. I was obviously hurt but it made me realize how much of a toxic person he was. When I had gut feelings about him cheating on me, he’d always shift the blame and tell me he was being distant because I was overthinking and catastrophising our relationship. The fact of the matter is that I was doing NONE of those things.

    I’m writing because I believe in intuition. I wanted so deeply to get back with my ex because he made everything seem like it was my fault when he broke up with me. I thought if I could fix myself, I might be able to salvage things. The truth of the matter is that there was nothing wrong with me. He’s just a sociopath who finally got caught and didn’t know how to deal with it. I won’t be getting back with my ex, and I encourage a lot of you ladies to reevaluate your own break ups. Sometimes it’s honestly truly for the best.

    In the long run, thank you so much for your help Chris and Amor. I learned so many things about myself by reading your articles.I wish things could have been a little more beneficial for me but turns out I was just dating a manipulative monster who isn’t worth my time or energy anymore.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      September 18, 2016 at 12:38 pm

      You’re welcome Heather! I sincerely pray the best for you.. Charge everything to experience.

  8. Avatar

    Monique

    July 2, 2016 at 6:29 pm

    I purchased the texting bible and it says it would help with knowing what text to send when dealing with cheating. I don’t see that in the book at all. Can you help me find where that section is. That is the reason why I bought it. I wanted to know what to text in cases of cheating. Thanks,

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      July 4, 2016 at 5:33 pm

      Hi Monique,

      I’ll get back woth you about that.. I’ll have to search ny copy.. But what do you mean by what to text? is this your first contact text with him? are you the one that cheated?

  9. Avatar

    Mel

    June 24, 2016 at 1:04 am

    My boyfriend now says he wants to be alone and can’t commit to me right now the way he feels like I deserve cause he wants to be alone cause he gets jealous, is busy, and doesn’t trust people.  Thus, he just pulled the same crap he has done like 6 or 7 time already.  I think he may be seeing his ex.  He has also cheated on me multiple times and broken up with me multiple times. He just stopped talking to me and didn’t at first tell me he hadn’t to break up just that he thought we should take a break since he was so busy. I got mad tried to break up with him. Then he just proceeds to ignore me and every time I tried to find out what went wrong, see him, or talk to him in general he would just say he was busy. This went on for a month. Until he finally said he can’t commit to me right now. I sort of sent a lot of messages tell him off because I am so tired of him doing the same crap over and over again. I am sure that he just got mad cause one of my guy friends posted a comment on my facebook wall and then gave me the silent treatment. Then got annoyed cause I was trying to talk to him. He cheated on me because he was jealous. He came back begging for me back and said his life had no meaning without me. He said I was everything he wanted and he lost it all and fucked up so bad. I don’t understand how he always goes from one extreme to the other. Why all a sudden did he decide he no longer wanted me? How do I recover from this? What do I do?

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      June 27, 2016 at 11:52 am

      actually we have. Here it is:EBR 016: Should You Take Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

      I Agree that you should move on.. it’s become toxic.

  10. Avatar

    anonymus

    May 22, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    Hey,
    I was searching for a situation similar to mine to leave a comment, and this it the closest one. So, me and my ex were in a relationship for 8 months. The first 7 months were amazing, they were perfect literally for both of us. So many times i had woken up to a text from him about how much i mean to him and how glad he is to have me. He showed me on every way that he really loves me. The thing is that we are in a long distance relationship 🙁 And we should have seen us in summer again for 3 months, and then go back to LD until winter, then see us again, and then LD until summer and then be together, live at the same place. So, basicaly, we would have had to be LD for one more year (With seeing each other occasionally). But then, one day we were talking, and I made him insecure about this, by pointing out how every friend of his has a gf there, and he has me, living miles away. I said so many stupid things, but they were realistic as well, i mean the conditions of our relationship are hard – no dates, no kisses, no hugs, no sex, no cuddles…After that we stayed the same, again good relationship, but he was a bit colder, just a tiny bit. And then, like one month ago he broke up with me telling me how his feelings got lesser. The day after that happened I called him and we agreed on that we shouldn’t have broken up. But since he was acting really cold next days, and I was trying soooo hard to get us back on track, i got tired and told him that i give up on our love. He did not allow me to, he said he loved me and that he did not want to loose me, and that we should try harder. We kept talking, and he was really nice, almost like before. But then, 4 days ago, i found out he was doing a ”parelel relationship” with a girl he just met in the uni. That relationship lasted for like 20 days (and still is going). While he was in a relationship with both of us, and I did not know about that, he told me so many times that I am his love and that he does not want to lose me ever, that i am 100% the right for him. When i called him regarding that i found out about the relationship with another girl, he said he feels terrible, he does not know how is he going to make this up to me ever. I asked him what this all was about, why was he telling me he loved me and stuff, and he said that he really does, that I am the love, but that she is the physical thing, since we don’t have anything physical. He said he was afraid to lose me, he loves me, he does not know why he did it, he still wants me in hiss life, he does not want me to break up with him, and he cried a lot. But at the end, logically, I broke up with him. I am wondering if he will regret doing this and come running after me? He told me so many times that I am the perfect wifey material for him also 🙂 In one month we should have seen each other. (sorry for my English, it is not my native language)

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      May 26, 2016 at 11:08 am

      Hi Anonymous,

      your Engliah is good.. 🙂 Start with no contact and then slowly rebuild the relationship again after.. if you evwr gwt back together.. You have to work out meeting up more often.. it’s better if you can do it once a month

  11. Avatar

    Confused

    April 3, 2016 at 10:02 pm

    My situation is a tiny bit different, I was looking for an article on it and couldn’t find one on here, but I feel like I’m not the only one who has experienced this. My boyfriend and I broke up two weeks ago, we got in a fight and ended things to cool off. We didn’t speak much, being that I wanted to give him space. However we ran into eachother at an event yesterday and things just kinda fell back into place. We got back together ( and are taking is slow), but he told me he had gotten very drunk and slept with some random girl he met at a bar. He said he regretted it and wishes he could take it back. I’m not mad, we were broken up, but I’m hurt, which is understandable. I trust him to never cheat on me, but i don’t know what it means that he slept with someone so soon after we broke up. We’ve been in an on/off relationship for about 9 months. I just don’t know how to handle the situation. He willingly told me about it so he wasn’t hiding anything, but I just am confused. I told him that wasn’t mad, I was hurt and the only thing I asked was if he used protection. I thought I handled the news well, but it’s bugging me as to what it means that he slept with someone else so quickly. I don’t want this to come between our relationship.

    1. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      April 4, 2016 at 1:05 pm

      talk to him about it calmly, tell him hat you just need to hear it from him then that’s it

  12. Avatar

    MJ

    March 21, 2016 at 8:31 am

    Hi Chris and his team! I purchased the recovery standard package and I am half way now. I am in NC for a week, as well.

    My ex and I were in a ldr for 4 years. (from the beginning it was a ldr. He lives in Europe and I live in Asia)

    Last December, I found out that he cheated on me. He let a girl couchsurf at his place without telling her that he was in a relationship.

    They kissed and stuff but didn’t do intercourse. (The girl confirmed this fact) As you can imagine, things went wild and we broke up.

    He apologized and also showed a lot of remorse. He even went to therapy to find out why he did it cuz he said it was neither

    emotional cheating nor just for sex. His therapist told him that it is probable that he did it as a rebellion since I was too

    controlling and made him do things that he didnt like. Anyway, he was the one who broke up with me cuz he thought this had done

    too much damage on our relationship and it would never be the same anymore. However, after few days, he contacted me again saying

    that he missed me so much and wanted to come to my country to see me in person and make things work again.

    So he did come and we had an amazing time together. We decided to stick to our plan which was to get married this year and me move

    to his country to live with him. However, after he went back, we started to struggle again. We obviously had a trust issue, and I didnt

    see much effort coming from his side and we had some fights about it. He said that when we are together things are just perfect

    and he can put as much affort as needed but when we are separated, he just can’t. There’s this time differnce and we are not physically

    together, so he just doesnt know how to deal with it. He knows that he is the one who needs to put efforts into this but he just

    does not have the power to do that when we are not together. He said that he still loves me and knows that he is making the biggest

    mistake of his life by letting me go again. But as a person who really cares about me, its the right decision to let me go since

    I deserve better. He said that we are not breaking up. He said its him releasing me. Then he can’t hurt me no more.

    So I accepted it and immediately bought the standard package (I found this website in January but didn’t buy the book or implemented it)

    started doing everything I can do as recommended in the book.

    I seem to handle it well cuz I already went thru a break up in January once. But sometimes I am still so sad and wonder

    since this is our second break up after I discovered that he cheated on me, if I still have a chance to be with him again.

    If I am in this ‘helpless situation’ as mentioned many times in your articles..

    Thank you for reading this and for your support!

    Your book helps me a lot!

    1. Avatar

      MJ

      March 22, 2016 at 1:08 am

      Thanks for replying!
      You mean I should post some stuff on facebook or instagram?
      So you don’t think I am in one of those helpless situations?

    2. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 28, 2016 at 1:42 pm

      Yeah, I think both of you just needs time because I think he feels guilty.. If somehow after he forgave himself and he sees he can restart with you again, there’s a chance you will get back together. It may not be immediate but you had a good thing going on. What’s harder is how to make a long distance relationship work.

    3. Avatar

      EBR Team Member: Amor

      March 21, 2016 at 11:59 am

      Hi Mj

      thanks for purhasing the books.. hmm based on what he said, there’s a chance he will miss you during nc..especially if he sees your posts

  13. Avatar

    U

    December 11, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I just found out that my boyfriend was seeing someone else and it was since last month. We were actually still together during that time though it was because I begged for another chance. It was not until today that I found out about him seeing someone else so I let him go. ? I found put ’cause he blatantly told me but I didn’t think it was actually true. It was then confirmed by a mutual friend whom I asked. He openly rubbed it in my face by bragging how he thinks she’s the one and how she makes him happy. ? I can’t tell you just how heartbroken I was. Despite it all tho, for some reason, I overlooked everything he said and even the fact that he’s seeing someone else right now, and I weirdly haven’t lost hope. I still feel hope and idk if thats stupid or what but I just still have this desire for him to come back. ? Do I have a chance?

  14. Avatar

    Jerolinca

    November 4, 2015 at 8:09 pm

    Thank you so much for the website and lot of helpful insights.
    I want to share my story here.
    My boyfriend cheated on me, but it was not the reason we broke up. We broke up last week. When I was cooking, he said he wanted to break up. I said, ok. Because I was seeing it coming. We had a really hard time, especially me. I have no job, no home, no money and I have to live with his parents. I am finding jobs and house in a completely strange country. I was depressed all the time, I cried and cried. I relied on him, pushed responsibility to him. He cared so much for me and did everything he could to cheer me up. But I had such a low self-esteem which eventually made him tire of me. He is only 23 and a student. He is ambition and childish and I expected him to be a man. That was too much.

    We dated for one year. Lots of beautiful times. I love him and I care for him. And then he did a terrible thing to me. He met another girl behind my back and he told me he’s falling in love which I would love to shout out bullshit. I felt horrible.
    I walked away furiously that night, threw all the foods I was cooking, took my luggage and went to my friends’ house.

    Two days later, I went to his place to take my stuffs. We had an emotional talking. He said he still loved me. Life is so hard. He is a coward who cannot be a man to me. He cried, I cried and we hugged each other. But then right after our conversation, he said he was going to go out with a girl next day. He wanted me to take everything with me because he didn’t want that girl know. I said nothing. I packed my stuff. I was angry. Because he treated me like trash. I asked to come back later to take something I could not bring along. He refused. I asked for our pictures cause I wanted to keep them, I never took pictures with my phone. But he deleted it. He blocked me on FB and deleted accounts of my friends as well. His action caused an uproar among my friends. They saw how shitty he treated me and called him losers. He kicked me out of the house while I am in the deepest shit of my life.

    I hate him for his action. But, at the same time, I still love what he did for me during dating. He has a kind heart but no one teaches him how to treat people with love and respect. He just let his anger vent out without caring about others. He called me names when he hated me. He got annoyed at my noisy walking and late online habit. He trashed me sometimes but he encouraged me a lot.

    I do not know now if I want to go back to him or not. I want to punish him about cheating on me. But I still do care and miss him. I was ready to break up in peace but he did that to me. I was ready to take a break, for both of us, to find ourselves and then maybe coming back together. But he betrayed everything.

    I am doing no contact now. But he still owes me money and stuffs so I will need to call him later. He called me yesterday to say he sent me the left pictures. I said “ok, thank you” and ended.

    I want to be back with him, to improve our situation. However I want to change so much of his personality and how he treated me in the past. I doubt if I can change him. But at the same time, I still do see our future together. It is so confusing and it hurts me. What should I do?

  15. Avatar

    Mariee

    September 7, 2015 at 5:11 am

    Chris you have really awesome insight. Glad I found your site. However I feel the need to reach out because I don’t know if your advice would apply to me or not (I want it to)

    Dating a guy about 2 1/2 months. Hes a bit socially awkward as am I. He’s 5 years younger (I’m 30) he enjoys gaming, Online fantasy roll play, vampires etc, not necessarily my thing as im not great at pretend and I’m a stone cold zombie fanatic which leaves little room for the vamps. Initially it seemed as if we had a lot in common, but the more time we spent together the more I realized I was dealing with a man child. I found myself pushing him to mature a little more. I started feeling like his mother. He was never one to yell or say hurtful things but I was. Going on long rants criticizing his thoughts on life and overall ability to be a man. Once I started I couldn’t stop.

    I love him or so it feels like it. I like his company, enjoy sex but have had doubts as to whether I am really attracted to him or his character.

    We broke up last week (first real breakup) after I called him some really harsh things. He has ignored all contact with me. No matter how much I try to get through its no use. I dont know if we’ve dated long enough for your advice to apply. In my mind its too short of a romance and he probably doesnt see it transitioning into anything long term.

    I miss him and our relationship like crazy but have a sinking feeling its over. Hes usually very attentive (even after an argument). Didnt think I could push it so far but I did. I know its not my place to nag and know that all I really want is him. I dont want to be his mother or dril-sergeant. Most importantly I dont want to hurt him anymore.

    Should I give it time or move on? Did I wreck things beyond repair? I’m pretty sure my grief is getting in the way of seeing what others can see with no problem. Unfortunately for me I’m filled with false hope as most people continue to tell me to give it time. I want that to be true too…

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 12, 2015 at 1:54 am

      Glad you found it too!

      Ohhh… do you like the walking dead?

      I do!

      What did you call him out of curiosity?

  16. Avatar

    Ms. C

    September 3, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Hi Chris,
    What is your advice on trying to get an ex back that left you for the woman he cheated on you with and moved her in? He also has a restraining order on me, but got back before with me while it was still on.

  17. Avatar

    Susan

    September 2, 2015 at 6:08 am

    Hi Chris. I have been NC for about 3 weeks. During NC, are we supposed not to respond any questions even if it is not related to relationship? Last Thursday, he sent me a text message to ask a question not related to relationship. I was hesitating of whether to respond or not as it was not an important and urgent question. I struggled several hours and sent a very simple text message with cold emotion to answer the question 5 hours later. He did not reply. Last Sunday, he sent another text message to ask another question and I responded with a very simple text message 12 hours later. He did not reply either. Does this behavior break NC? Should I start again? During NC, can we update facebook for my life with friends or something else, not related to him or are we supposed to not update any social media at all? thanks.

  18. Avatar

    Susan

    August 19, 2015 at 4:16 am

    Hi Chris, Thank you very much for the podcast. I really need your professional advice for my situation. I have been dating with a guy for 3 years. We were seeing twice a week and hanging out like we were in a relationship. But, he never claimed he is my boyfriend. In the past 3 years, I have found him dating other girls as well. I got mad about this many times. I also got angry many times for why we were not in a serious relationship. Every time this happened, he either kept silent or said he will think about it. About one month ago, I got angry with him again for why we were dating for so long time without a serious relationship. This time, he said that let us not contact each other again unless he makes a decision of whether or not to be in a relationship with me. About two weeks ago, I shown up at his apartment and wanted to talk to him. At beginning, he said some harsh words and did not want to talk. I insisted in talking. Then, He said he does not want to contact again until he makes a decision. He said that he does not know how long it will take and that it is ok if I don’t want to wait. He also said that both of us can dating other people during this period. After that talk, he sent me text message and apologized for the harsh words he said during our conversation. I never replied and never contacted him again. I don’t know what I want to do now. Since he initiated the no contact, should I contact him after 30 days? will the ex boyfriend pro apply to this situation? Thanks a lot! I really appreciate your advice.

    1. Avatar

      Susan

      September 17, 2015 at 4:28 am

      Hi Chris. Over Labor Day weekend, he came to my place and dropped a card to apologize for being rude with me several weeks ago and asked me to forgive. He also asked me out to a dinner for celebration which he promised to me long time ago. We did not meet. I did not find the card until later afternoon when I opened the door and found a card. About 5 hours later, I sent a text message says that I am ok. He replied a simple message about 3 hours later. The next Morning, I sent another text message that I am willing to go out for the celebration. He said we could do it that day. I said I couldn’t do it that day and asked if he wanted to do it some time this week or next week. He said next week and will contact me later on. It has been one week and a half and he still did not contact me. I am confused about what he wanted. He asked me to forgive for his rudeness. But when I sent him messages, he was slow in replying. Before the no contact, he said that he wanted to be no contact at all until he made a decision of whether we should be in a serious relationship or not. It has been 5 weeks since he said this. If he wanted no contact, why does he bother to ask me to forgive him? If he wanted me to forgive him, why was he slow in replying texts when I sent to me? Would you please give me some advice? I am really confused and I am wondering if I should contact him or not. Thanks a lot!

    2. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 12, 2015 at 1:02 am

      You absolutely should contact him after 30 days.

    3. Avatar

      Susan

      September 2, 2015 at 6:09 am

      Hi Chris. I have been NC for about 3 weeks. During NC, are we supposed not to respond any questions even if it is not related to relationship? Last Thursday, he sent me a text message to ask a question not related to relationship. I was hesitating of whether to respond or not as it was not an important and urgent question. I struggled several hours and sent a very simple text message with cold emotion to answer the question 5 hours later. He did not reply. Last Sunday, he sent another text message to ask another question and I responded with a very simple text message 12 hours later. He did not reply either. Does this behavior break NC? Should I start again? During NC, can we update facebook for my life with friends or something else, not related to him or are we supposed to not update any social media at all? thanks.

    4. Avatar

      Susan

      August 26, 2015 at 3:35 am

      Hi Chris. He sent me a greeting message last Sunday noon, but I did not reply. Last Sunday evening, I went to listen to a presentation. In the middle of the presentation, when I turned my head back, he was standing in the back of the room with a smile (I am sure he saw me). I turned my head back quickly. Half an hour later, when I went to the restroom, I found that he has left. I am low in EQ and I would really appreciate your help. I have read all the ex recovery pro, ungettable girl and secrets of attraction. I would really appreciate if you can give me some suggestions. Thanks a lot!

    5. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      September 1, 2015 at 8:58 pm

      It sounds like your doing fine. How long have you been in NC for so far?

    6. Avatar

      Susan

      August 21, 2015 at 2:09 am

      Hi Chris. I just want to share a little more. In the past three years, whenever I got angry for his dating with other girls, he never admitted that he was dating with other girls. But I am 100% sure that he is dating other girls. He never introduced his friends to me. When we were alone, we were like couples. But when we were out, we just keep distance. Whenever I got angry for why we did everything a boyfriend or girlfriend would do but were not in a relationship, he would say that he is different from other guys. Once he was in a relationship, that means it is close to marriage. Every time I got angry, he would try to have me back. And we were back to the same status as before. But this time, he said that he wanted to have no contact at all until he made a decision of whether to be in a relationship with me or not. He said that with no contact, he can focus more on his work. But, I guess he is dating other girl. Personally, I am also tired of keeping such an embarrassing relationship for a long time and want to be in a serious relationship. We are both in our thirties and I want to get married soon. when he sent his last message which apologized for being harsh, he also said that he still wanted to do a celebration for promotion within the next few weeks (he promised this to me about 1-2 months ago). I did not reply. My question is if he ask me out for celebration during 30 days no contact, should I reply? If he ask me out for celebrating after 30 days contact, but before any text or calls to build rapport, should I go out to celebrate? Since he initiated the no contact and said that he does not want to have any contact until he make a decision or unless something urgent happens, should I contact him after 30 days of no contact? Thanks a lot. I wish I know your website at least 2 years ago.

  19. Avatar

    serah

    August 18, 2015 at 12:47 pm

    I had this guy for almost 3 years. It was an on and off relationship plus an LDR. After more than a year, we met. We dated. We spent the night together. But after a week, we broke up. He said he doesn’t love me. What should I do? I love him so much

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 19, 2015 at 3:11 am

      You will have to live closer to him to make it work. Check out the post on LDR’s

  20. Avatar

    saleha

    August 18, 2015 at 3:16 am

    Hey Chris!
    I am one confused soul because of my boyfriend. Yes,he is in a relationship with me but the so- called affections and attention just vanishes periodically and I am totally confused as to why this happens. My boyfriend talks to his ex and he says that they are really good friends. He has been avoiding my messages and I see him online almost on every social media possible and it hurts like hell when I realize that he is avoiding me for some reason.
    I am really not sure as to why this is happening.. Is it something to do with his ex? My gut feeling says that he has been talking and spending time with her and totally avoiding me. I am one disappointed girl who might lose the faith in love. What should I possibly do? I have even asked him to end it up with me if he doesn’t want it but he says he won’t do that. Also,I am very afraid to confront him about his recent cold behavior so please suggest me as to what I should do. Will the no contact rule help me here in this case,given that I am already in a relationship with him. Do help!

    1. Chris Seiter

      Chris Seiter

      August 24, 2015 at 4:47 pm

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