Wow, we are almost to 40 episodes of The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Podcast.
You have to admit that, that is pretty cool.
I have helped almost 40 women in very unique situations regarding their ex boyfriends.
Well, today is no different as we are going to hear from Lauren a woman who is in a lot of pain.
Lauren’s voice mail was so hard to listen to because you could tell she is hurting so much that I just wanted to do my best to help her.
Here is a quick recap of her situation,
- She has been with her boyfriend for 4 years
- She lived with him for 3 years
- She found out that he cheated on her in April of this year
- He gave some excuse about school, work, etc
- She has a stable job and has her life together
- Hypothesizes that he is afraid of commitment
- He is seeing other women
- He is in the process of moving out of their apartment
What I Talk About In This Episode
- Why men cheat
- Why I think Lauren’s boyfriend cheated on her
- What Lauren is doing right
- What Lauren is doing wrong
- The simple yet challenging advice I give to Lauren
- Remorse & cheating
Important Links Mentioned In This Episode
What Lauren Did Right Vs. What She Did Wrong
So I divided this up into two different categories.
What Lauren did right versus what she did wrong.
I am a pretty positive guy so lets start with what she did right first.
What Lauren Did Right
- Her life is together
Laurens biggest asset right now is that she does seem to have a stable life (at least on the career side of things.) This is important because I can’t tell you how many women I have encountered that let their entire life go up in shambles because of a breakup.
Look, I get that you guys are hurting but you are just digging yourself a bigger hole if you end up hurting other aspects of your life on top of your relationship tanking.
What Lauren Did Wrong
- Showing him that she wanted him back even after he cheated on her
Laurens ex boyfriend doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong by cheating on her. At least, that is what his actions say. By catering to him and showing him that she wants him back Laurens ex can almost develop this god complex where he thinks he didn’t do anything wrong.
Welcome to Episode 39 of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. Today I have a really special episode planned for you. We’re going to hear from a woman who is named Lauren.
Before I get to that, let’s talk about things going on behind the scenes. In the last episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast, I talked a lot about pregnancy and exes. I mentioned that I was going to go forward with the coaching idea. But I also mentioned that I was working on an ebook, almost like a texting dictionary.
The idea behind this ebook is to create a resource that you can turn to whenever you have a question about text messages. You can turn to a text message and use it. It will be successful in helping you get your ex-boyfriend or ex-husband back. I don’t know if I’ll be able to fully achieve that goal.
It turns out, writing a texting dictionary is a lot harder than it sounds, but I’m giving it my best shot. With what I’ve written so far, I am super pumped to get this out for you. Within the next two weeks, I’m hoping to have that out. There are a lot of aspects that go into writing a book like this. It’s not going to be as expensive as my other book, Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Pro, which is currently at $47.
I’m thinking of pricing the texting bible around $29. I think that’s a fair assessment for the value that this book is going to bring. It will have well over hundreds of text messages that you can flip to and use in your situation. It will have a lot of information about the proper way to text. Without a doubt, the most questions I get are on the no contact rule and texting.
What text message should I send to him if this happens? What text message should I send if he doesn’t respond? What text message should I send in general? I’m going to attempt to answer all of these questions in this book so that you have one resource to fall back on. I wanted to give you a quick update about that book. I know that a lot of you will be interested in it.
Today we’re going to hear from a woman named Lauren who is going through a really difficult time right now. I’m going to do my best to help her. I think those of you listening can get a lot out of her situation. She has found herself in a bit of a pickle. It’s not her own doing. Her ex is a little difficult to deal with, I think.
Let’s hear from Lauren:
“Hi, Chris. My name is Lauren. I had been with my ex-boyfriend for four years. We lived with each other for the past three. I found out that he cheated on me in April with a girl he went to school with. He said he did it because he was feeling bad about school, even though he was doing well. He was nervous about finding a job in the future.
Things weren’t going well with me because I was stable. I have a job and my life is fairly predictable. I think he was nervous about committing to something that stable and predictable. He wanted to be able to travel at the drop of a hat. We had a dog. I think he was feeling very conflicted. One day, I said, “Do you love me?” He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Do you care about me?” He said, “Yes.” Then I said, “Do you want to be with me right now?” He said, “I don’t know.” I figured that was my answer and we broke up. We have begun the slow and painful process of moving out. He is moving out. I’m staying here until September 1st when I can move into my new place. He still play-fights with me. He still texts me even though I don’t initiate conversation with him. I know he’s seeing other girls. How do I get him back even though he’s moving out? Thanks.”
Hi, Lauren. Thanks so much for your voicemail. I want to express my gratitude that you had the guts and were willing to record this voicemail. You are clearly in a highly emotional state. It’s not always easy to put yourself out there for the world when you’re in a really vulnerable state. I really do appreciate you reaching out.
Hearing your voicemail, I was encouraged to help you out as much as I can. I cannot guarantee that you will get your ex back. No one can. What I can guarantee is that, if you listen to what I have to say, your chances will improve. Whether or not you want to implement what I have to say is completely up to you. I understand if you don’t.
I understand if you choose to go your own route. Just know that I have a lot of experience in helping women get back with their exes, and lots of women in your particular situation. I do have a pretty credible track record. There are not many other experts that consult for free like I do.
What I have to say may not be 100% easy to hear, but I think you need to hear it. It will give you a better chance of getting your ex back. Before I get into that, I want to express my gratitude. Thank you for having the guts and being willing to put yourself out there. Towards the end, you were crying a little bit. You are very highly emotional. I completely understand. I sympathize with you. I am going to do my very best to help you.
For those of you listening, let’s do a recap of Lauren’s situation. It looks like Lauren has been dating her boyfriend for four years, which is a rather long time. Lauren did not specify exactly how old she was. I’m assuming she’s in her mid-twenties. It seems like she’s just out of college and into a job. She has a stable life. Her ex-boyfriend seems like he’s still in college.
He’s still trying to figure out his life. They’ve been dating for four years. I don’t know the facts and I’m making an assumption that they’re in their mid-twenties. It looks like they’ve been living together for three years. They’ve been dating for four years and living together for three years. She found out that he cheated on her in April with one of his classmates.
I’m assuming that she confronted him about it. I’m assuming there was a lot of anger. It seems like he gave the common excuse that you hear from men who get caught cheating. He did it because he was feeling bad about school. He did it because he didn’t have a job or a consistent life. Whereas, Lauren on the other hand has a stable job.
She has her life together and is rather predictable, which I think is completely awesome. As a man, I enjoy more stable people as opposed to unstable people. I am a little puzzled by that, Lauren, that he is not accepting of your situation. I’m assuming there is some jealousy there that you have your life together and he does not have his life together.
You think that he is nervous about a deeper commitment. That is probably the case here. At his age, he’s probably not 100% ready to settle down. He still has some things he wants to get out of his system. I think you hit the nail on the head here with your assumption that he’s not ready for a deeper commitment.
It also seems like he always wanted to travel at the drop of a hat, whereas maybe you weren’t so into that. Maybe you were into weekend getaways and he wanted these long excursions to these exotic places. You mentioned that you had a dog. The two of you broke up after the cheating incident. You began the slow, painful process of moving out. That is always a painful process, especially when you’ve spent three years of your life living with the same person. Lauren, it seems to me like you’re very in love with this guy.
He still play-fights and texts you but he is seeing other women. You are wondering how you can get him back when he is moving out. This is a rather complicated situation.
The first thing I’d like to talk to you about is the cheating incident. I’m going to talk about why men cheat in general. Then I’m going to talk about why I think your boyfriend cheated on you, Lauren. Let’s talk about men in general.
There is the famous phrase that says men cheat for physical reasons and women cheat for emotional ones. That means that men get horny and women grow attached to someone, and then they cheat. As stereotypical as that sounds, it is usually the case.
Usually, a man just doesn’t have control of his testosterone. He goes out there and cheats. He’ll feel a little guilty afterwards. Women, on the other hand, cheat more emotionally. If they aren’t receiving something in the relationship from the man, they usually bond with someone else and then start an affair with them.
Here’s the interesting difference between men and women. Men are more likely to have these one-night stand situations. These are situations where it’s one and done. When women start an affair, it is a long affair. It doesn’t end all of a sudden. It’s not a one-and-done situation. We’re here talking about men. Men usually cheat for physical reasons.
There are a number of underlying factors that cause them to cheat. Number one could be that they find someone else more attractive than the girl they’re with, which I think is despicable. I think anyone who cheats is despicable. If you’re listening to this and you have cheated, I do not condone what you are doing and I do not like the action that you took. I will talk about your boyfriend relating to that in a second, Lauren.
Men usually cheat for physical reasons. One of the reasons could be that they find the other girl wildly attractive. Another reason could be that they are getting a little bored in their relationship and want to spice it up. I have a friend who has told me this before. He was dating a girl for five years, which is a long time.
He dated her all the way through from high school to college. I know that it was probably more of an immature relationship as opposed to someone who is married and has a deeper commitment. I always think back to that one incident where we were sitting at a restaurant, having a beer. We were talking back and forth. I asked him, “How is your girlfriend?” I wouldn’t be telling this story if he was currently dating the girl. I am not a fan of hurting people’s feelings, especially people that I know. I haven’t said his name, but he’s no longer dating this girl. There’s probably a reason why.
I was having this conversation with him. We were having a beer or two. I asked, “How is your girlfriend doing?” He looked me in the eye and told me something that I will never forget. He said, “She’s my best friend. I love her to death but after five years, it’s getting kind of boring. I almost want to break up with her, do a bunch of other girls and then get back with her and get married to her.”
This is the mentality of a man who has grown bored in his relationship. He is going to look elsewhere. Half of that is his fault and half of that is his girlfriend’s fault. His girlfriend didn’t do a good job of spicing things up or keeping him interested. Half of it is his fault with the fact that he was acting like a scumbag. I’m not afraid to say that.
Lauren, when I look at the facts in your situation, there are a few things that jump out in my mind. You dated for four years. The story I just told about my friend and his ex-girlfriend is interesting because I think a similar type of thing happened here. I think he grew bored of your relationship, saw an opportunity elsewhere and jumped on it. Is that partly your fault? Perhaps.
Maybe you could have spiced things up. Maybe you could have kept things interesting. That does not excuse what he did. I don’t know how far he went with this other girl that he cheated with. What he did was despicable. From what I can tell, it seems like you genuinely want him back. You have a lot of strong feelings for him. I am disappointed in him, mostly for how he’s reacting.
You are well aware that men cheat for physical reasons. I have two sites. I have Ex-Boyfriend Recovery that deals with women who want their ex-boyfriends back. Then I have Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, which deals with men who want their girlfriends back. At Ex-Girlfriend Recovery, men sometimes come to me who have cheated on their girlfriends, which is really bad.
There is no excuse for it. They want advice on how they can get their ex-girlfriend back. They show an insane amount of remorse.
Lauren, your ex-boyfriend does not seem to show any remorse at all. Instead, he’s greeting you with, “I was feeling bad about school,” or “I don’t have a job. I feel bad about my life.” That’s pathetic. No self-respecting man should say that.
Quite frankly, you shouldn’t let him get away with it. I don’t think you did. Obviously, you are very emotional right now. You’re just going through a breakup. You’re hurt. The fact that he’s showing no remorse is a problem. It means he doesn’t think what he did was bad. He doesn’t think what he did was wrong. If you’re going to get him back, he needs to feel that remorse.
The game plan I’m going to give you here is tailored to making him regret cheating on you. This is not about revenge. I’m not into that. This is about making him regret cheating on you. He needs to show some sort of remorse for what he’s done. If he doesn’t think he did anything wrong then he’s not going to respect you in a relationship. What he did was absolutely wrong. There is no excuse for it.
Right now, I’m going to give you two things. I’m going to tell you what you are doing wrong, Lauren. I’m going to tell you what you are doing right. I’m a glass-half-full kind of guy and you are doing a few things right. But you are doing a lot wrong, from what you told me about your situation.
From there, I’m going to give you some rather simple advice that I want you to follow to a T. It should raise the chances that he will have of regretting cheating on you and the breakup. Ultimately, down the road, hopefully he will come to his senses and want to get back together with you, if you want it at that point.
First, let’s talk about what you are doing right. You mentioned that he feels bad that he’s in school, or whatever his lame excuse was, that he doesn’t have a job. You mentioned that you were the opposite. You had a stable life. You had a good job. Your career was going well. You had a predictable life, which he seems envious of, to me.
He seems to want that. As weird as it may sound, men want to be the breadwinner of the household. We want to be the one who provides. Men are the hunters and women are the gatherers. That’s how men think. We need to provide and protect our women.
I will buy into the fact that he does feel inadequate because of that. That doesn’t mean that you should tank your career because of his feelings. That’s absolutely ridiculous. I think, even though it could be considered a negative that you’re doing so well in your life, there are a lot of positives that go with it. I think the positives outweigh the negatives any day of the week. The thing that you are doing right is that you have your life together with the exception of the relationship aspect.
I have this theory called the holy trinity theory. They are the three most important aspects of every human being’s life. They are health, wealth and relationships. The idea is to create this synergy between these three aspects of life. As a result, we will feel fulfilled. If your health and wealth are high, and you have great relationships with your partner and friends, you can feel fulfilled in your life.
You can feel like you’ve accomplished life’s goals. You’ve won at life, so to speak. I think this is the mentality that you need to have, Lauren. I think you need to really work on furthering the synergy you’ve already created with your health, wealth and relationships. Obviously, the relationship part is a little rocky right now because you’re going through a breakup.
But your wealth and your health are things that you have complete control over. By improving these two aspects, there is a synergy between all three aspects of this holy trinity. By improving your health and wealth, your relationships will rise. Why? By improving your health and wealth, you appear more attractive to the opposite sex.
As a result, your relationships rise. It works the same way in other aspects. By improving your relationships and wealth, your health will increase as well because you will feel happier inside. There is a lot of interesting synergy between the three. The challenge of getting these three things to function at a high level is almost impossible.
You only have 24 hours in a day to dedicate to one or two of these three aspects. It’s really hard to create a schedule that works on your health, wealth and relationships all at the same time. Sometimes we put more work into our wealth, and our relationships and health decline. Sometimes we put more work into our health, and then our relationships and wealth decline. You have to find the synergy to give each section of the holy trinity its due time. It needs time. It needs pruning to improve.
The thing I think you’re doing right is that you do have your life together. I do think you should continue that momentum, if anything, to heal inside. Getting him back right now is going to be extremely difficult. Number one, he doesn’t have any remorse for the cheating. Number two, you are an emotional wreck. If you’re going to get him back, you need to approach this from a position of strength.
The number one mistake that I see a lot of women make is that they approach getting an ex back from a position of weakness. They do this through crying, begging and text gnatting. These are poor tactics. They put my tactics into practice half-assed. They don’t do a good job. The better strategy is to compose yourself. Get all the other aspects of your life in order. Get all your ducks in a row. Then try to get your ex back. He’ll find you more attractive if you’re more logical and powerful.
There is something to be said about a powerful woman. Not a threatening woman. There’s a difference between a threatening woman and a powerful woman. A powerful woman knows how to play a man. She knows how to play the game. A powerful woman who know how to play the game, an un-gettable girl, will not approach a situation balling her eyes out trying to get her ex back. She’s going to approach it from a position of strength.
Right now, Lauren, I think that’s what you need to do. I think you need to get these three aspects of your life in synergy. Get them performing at a high level. Then try to get your ex back.
Of course, you are doing a few things wrong, mostly regarding the cheating. The first thing is the fact that you want him back after he cheated. That gives him a sense of power. I want you to do your best to try and understand what I’m about to tell you. It’s really important. He cheated on you. You didn’t cheat on him.
He was the one who cheated on you. He flirted with another girl. He either kissed the other girl or slept with the other girl. I don’t know the whole situation. I really hope he didn’t sleep with the other girl. If he did, that is the worst thing he could possibly do to you in a relationship. Infidelity is the worst thing that can be done to another person in a relationship.
Here’s the trick. By you showing him that you want him back, he feels powerful. He feels he has control over you. He feels he can get away with murder. If he can cheat on you and sleep with another girl, and you still want him back, he’s living the life. He has you on the hook. He can have his cake and eat it, too. Do you see where that’s a problem? You cannot show him any emotion. You need to be cold. You need to make him understand that what he did was wrong. You need to make him understand that you’re not going to be easy. If he’s going to try to get you back, he has to win you back. Men like to win things. We don’t go out of our way for something easy. We go out of our way for something that’s hard to get.
I’ll use my wife as an example. My wife was not an easy woman to get. She made me essentially move across the country to get her. I was happy to do it. Do you know why? Because it’s in my wiring. I am a man. As a man, I am hardwired to hunt things. I am hardwired to chase. It’s the woman’s job to be the chasee. It’s the man’s job to be the chaser.
Right now, you’re the chaser and he’s the chasee. The dynamic is so strange because he’s the one who cheated. He’s the one who should be begging you to take him back. It seems like the dynamic has shifted. We need to reset this dynamic. It’s not right. In his hardwiring, he’s going to think, “I can have my cake and eat it, too.”
I know you want him back, but if I help you get him back, the way things are right now, I think it’s possible, but I think he will cheat on you again. He has to show remorse. You need to make him show remorse.
I’m going to give you a simple piece of advice. I want you to follow it to a T. I want you to understand that, sometimes in order to get the guy, you have to be willing to lose the guy. If you lose this guy, Lauren, it is not going to be the end of the world. That’s the mentality you need to have if you’re going to succeed at this.
Besides, it’s also a way of protecting your feelings. Right now, how you feel and your well-being is my priority. His well-being is not my priority. Right now, you want him back. I understand that. But in order to have that successful relationship that I want you to have, Lauren, he needs to feel remorse for what he’s done. He needs to beg for you back. The dynamic needs to switch. He needs to be the one coming to Ex-Girlfriend Recovery and trying to figure out how to get you back.
Here is the simple advice I’m going to give you. Right now, you’re in the process of moving out. If you’re living together, this is going to be a little bit more challenging. The people listening to this are probably going to be mad that they listened all the way through for this simple advice. But it will be effective, I believe. You need to perform the no contact rule on your ex to a maximum extent. It needs to be 30 days where you do not talk to him at all. Obviously, if you live with him, you will be forced to be in situations where you will have to talk to your ex. That’s fine. Be cold towards him. Use one-word answers. Don’t be mean to him. Be cold towards him. Make him understand that something is wrong.
Make him think that your feelings for him are gone, even though they’re not. After the no contact rule, you will put my strategies into effect to try to get him to win you back. Right now, he needs to feel remorse. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong.
You need to make him come to the realization that, “Oh my God. She’s not as easy as I thought. I thought I had her easy.” All of this play-fighting crap where he’s tickling you, you’re not having any of it. You’re not hugging him. You’re not play-fighting with him. You are not texting him.
For the next 30 days, he is dead to you. This is the way that will make him feel remorse for what he’s done, which is important. You need to get him in that mindset. You need to make him feel guilty and bad about what he did. Right now, his actions do not match those of a guilty person.
My best piece of advice is to let him move out and do the no contact rule on him for 30 days. Then after the no contact rule, reassess the situation. For now, let’s take this one step at a time. Do the no contact rule for 30 days straight. I explained my reasoning to you. This will hopefully shift the dynamic into your favor, into the way it should be.
Lauren, that’s my best piece of advice for you. You’re probably hungering for more in-depth information. After a week or so, you could leave me another voicemail and I could do a part two of this advice to prepare you for what to do after. For right now, I’m giving you one simple task. I think one simple task is going to be a lot easier for you to implement as opposed to giving you seven tasks.
Right now, just do 30 days of no contact. I explained my reasoning to you. I think you’re a smart woman and you will do it. There is no pressure. If you don’t feel comfortable doing this and following my advice, you don’t have to. Just know that I have a lot experience dealing with exes. I have gotten hundreds, if not thousands, of exes back together.
Doing the no contact rule is essential. I think, after this no contact rule, you are going to feel so much better than you feel right now. You’re going to feel so much more powerful. You’re going to feel like you have him in the palm of your hand, as opposed to him having you in the palm of his.
That’s going to do it for this episode of the Ex-Boyfriend Recovery Podcast. If you’re listening to this and you’re in a similar situation to Lauren, use this advice. This is excellent advice. This is the best advice I can give someone in this situation. Do the no contact rule. I explained the reasoning behind that. I explained what’s going through a man’s mind during the no contact rule. That’s going to do it for this episode. I will see you next week.