Ever felt like your ex was “winning” the breakup, and you were just stuck somewhere?

Today we’re talking about what to do if your ex is doing better than you after a breakup.

And if you stick around and read this entire article I’m going to show you the following things,

  • What I mean when I say your ex is doing better than you
  • Why utilizing a no contact rule might be essential as a counterstroke
  • Why the key to handling this situation might be found in hostage negotiation tactics

Sounds interesting, right?

Well, let’s dig in.

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What Do I Mean When I Say Your Ex Is Doing Better Than You?

So, what does it exactly we mean when we say our exes are doing better than us after a breakup?

Simply put, it means they look like they’re doing awesome without you and aren’t bothered by the breakup at all.

This includes things like going out and having fun with friends, going on a lot of other dates, or even replacing you with someone else.

On the other hand, you might be going through intense emotions like rage, anger, depression, sadness.

Those emotions might even be enhanced when you look at your ex and think,

“Why aren’t they as upset or hurt as I am?”

Today we’re going to look at the four most important things you should do if you find yourself in this exact situation:

  1. Take stock of how long it’s been since the breakup
  2. Utilize a no contact rule
  3. Work the holy trinity
  4. Use hostage negotiation tactics

Pretty cool list, right?

Let’s go.

Thing #1: Take Stock Of How Long It’s Been Since The Breakup

As human beings, when we go through breakups, we tend to overreact a little bit.

Our emotions are running high, and as a result, our logic is running low, so you may just be overreacting.

You might even be making the big mistake of forgetting that people deal with the stages of grief after a breakup at different rates.

We’ve all seen that funny meme online about how men deal with breakups vs. how women deal with breakups.

It basically shows emotions taking opposite courses.

For example, after a breakup, men will go out and party, but they’ll eventually start missing their ex and start regretting the breakup.

Women, on the other hand, start with being really upset about the breakup but slowly but surely, they rebuild themselves and move on with their life. The question is, are these stereotypes true?

Well, after studying lots of first-hand data, we’ve found this to be mostly true.

If you see your ex doing much better than you immediately after a breakup, you need to realize that it’s still not long enough for them to start regretting their decision to break up with you or start missing you.

Now you may ask at what point does an ex go from doing “better” without you to starting to miss you?

The answer is: It depends.

I know it’d be super convenient if I could give you an exact timeline, but that’s just not how it works.

People and relationships are different, so for some, this might take a month or a year, whereas sometimes it never happens… it truly depends on your ex and your relationship.

Generally speaking, though, it will take about 3 to 4 months before your ex can start missing you.

But remember – not all exes will miss you on their own.

That’s why it’s important to do thing number two.

Thing #2: Utilize A No Contact Rule

I’ve been talking about this rule since the beginning of time because it’s just THAT essential and successful.

The no contact rule is as strong as it has ever been in 2020, and just as many people are successfully using it.

But I think people still have a bit of trouble understanding how the no contact rule is supposed to be used.

Most people use the no contact rule to make their ex miss them by ignoring their ex for 21-45 days.

They assume that their ex is going to miss them if they cut off all contact for this time, and that means the no contact rule succeeded.

Usually, exes do end up missing you, but here’s the problem with this line of thinking – your idea of “success” of the no contact rule is based on them reaching out to you.

You think okay, the no contact rule is working because your ex reached out to you, but recent polls in our private Facebook support group have shown that around 65% of exes will not reach out to you during the no contact rule.

Yet the paradox of the data is that 95% of our success stories say that they utilized a no contact rule.

So, what does that tell us?

Well, that tells us that you can’t just base your decision on whether the no contact rule is working based on if your ex reaches out to you.

You shouldn’t even be focusing on your ex at all during the no contact rule. Instead, merely ignoring your ex will get you all the psychological benefits, but what you really need to be doing with that time is focusing on yourself, and that’s where the third point comes into play…

Thing #3: Work On The Holy Trinity

The holy trinity is basically the three most important areas of your life – health, wealth, and relationships.

These three are undeniably linked together, so if one goes down, it affects the others too, and vice versa.

Let’s use your breakup as an example.

Your breakup falls under the relationships category of the holy trinity.

So, before your breakup, the relationship area of your holy trinity was doing pretty good, but then the breakup threw that aspect off.

Those negative effects will then trickle their way down to your health and wealth areas. All of a sudden, you start feeling the physical ailments of the breakup like being unable to go for your regular morning runs because you’re just too depressed to get out of bed. Your health is impacted.

This then spills over onto your wealth when you go to work. You don’t care about work because you’re too burdened with your emotions. Your boss ends up yelling at you for not being productive.

All of this happened because the relationship area of your holy trinity was off.

The question now is – how do you get the three parts of your holy trinity in balance again?

Ideally, it’s a never-ending pursuit of balance, and the best part is that the interlinked nature that took all parts of your trinity down can also work to push them back up!

I recommend focusing on the areas of your life that you know you can improve. For example, maybe you always felt like you could’ve had a better career, and now’s the time to try something new.

Now I’m not advocating to quit your job without backup, but if you have something positive lined up and you were afraid to leap, you can try it now.

Also, don’t just view your relationships as only your relationship with your ex. It can also be your relationships with friends, family, and even coworkers. Maybe going out with friends more or spending more time with family is exactly what you need to start filling the void your ex left behind.

If you upgrade your life in all three areas, you’ll find that your ex will naturally become attracted to you, especially during the no contact rule.

But what happens if you reach out to your ex and they ignore you?

They want nothing to do with you, but you really want their attention…

Thing #4: Utilize Hostage Negotiation Tactics

This point is inspired by this guy I’m currently working with in our private Facebook group who’s trying to get his girlfriend back.

This guy has everything going for him – his life is put together, and he’s REALLY good at following all our advice at every step of the way, but his ex-girlfriend still wouldn’t respond to him.

During a thorough brainstorming session about how to get his ex’s attention, my client shared that he was reading a bunch of books about hostage negotiation.

The main takeaway in them was to create shared connections, so the hostage-taker experiences euphoria.

Hostage negotiators are taught to empathize with hostage takers and see the world through their eyes, so they come across as relatable as possible.

That sets the stage for open communication.

How does this relate to breakups?

Well, my theory is that human beings have this innate ability to find shared connections.

Having shared connections with someone is often what takes our relationships to another level.

For example, have you ever come across someone who loves the same book series or TV show as you? I’m betting you have, and that’s why you can relate to the euphoric feeling of wanting to talk to them more and more!

Coming back to my client, he noticed that whenever he posted something about a shared interest with his ex, she would mirror his behavior and post something about that too. While we haven’t cracked her yet to the point of talking to him, I think this is encouraging behavior because it means she’s paying attention.

And that’s our primary goal. To have your ex pay attention to you and have a great conversation as a result.

You can also utilize this technique to make sure that your ex is still taking note of you after the breakup.

By posting something that you both care about, you create (or remind them of) a shared connection that makes them pay attention to you.

Conclusion:

Seeing your ex doing better than you can hurt a lot but here are four things to keep in mind in that situation:

  1. Take stock of how long it’s been since the breakup because everyone processes emotions at different rates
  2. Utilize a no contact rule to focus on yourself
  3. Concentrate on the holy trinity – your relationships, wealth, and health
  4. Utilize hostage negotiation tactics of establishing shared connections and points of interest

What to Read Next

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9 thoughts on “What To Do If Your Ex Is Doing Better Than You”

  1. Avatar

    Primrose

    August 1, 2020 at 6:44 am

    Hi Chris.
    I’ve been very hesitant to comment but I finally had to comment because my situation with my ex is really taking a toll on my health.

    My ex is not exactly in a rebound the relationship because the girl he is having a fling with has made it clear to him she doesnt want to date him, ever. She just considers him to be a time pass, and is stringing him along. Now he is completely obsessed with her and does not say anything nice to me.

    My ex has also been extremely hot and cold with me where some days he will message me asking how I’m feeling as I was unwell recently, other days he’ll send messages and delete them and just as of today he has gone and blocked me on WhatsApp.

    My ex has also said to me that he will never get back with me, and does not take any responsibility for his actions that caused our break up. I have apologized, and accepted my faults but my ex still hasnt.

    We dated for nearly 6 years and it’s been a month since we broke up. I have behaved like a gnat before because I cant comprehend why my ex is chasing a girl who has said she wont date him and why my ex is behaving so cruelly with me.

    What do you suggest I do chris? How do I go about getting my ex boyfriend back? How do I get him to leave his supposed rebound, to unblock me and talk to me again?

    Please give me any advice as I am extremely stressed out by this.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      August 15, 2020 at 2:35 pm

      Hi Primrose, if the situation is really affecting your health then I suggest that you look for someone who is local to you as a therapist or a councillor as you need to focus on yourself for some time and if he is involved with this girl even though it is casual you still need to follow a 45 day no contact to allow him time to get over this new “thing” he has going on.

  2. Avatar

    Rj

    July 10, 2020 at 9:12 am

    Hi Shaunna,

    Just responding as you can put reply to the comment. How about if you believe that he is starting to date other people, we ended as he ‘wanted to be single’ and he’s already back out there.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 11, 2020 at 6:53 pm

      Hi Rj, often they do date other people but stay single because they want to distract themselves from dealing with the break up itself.

  3. Avatar

    Rj

    July 7, 2020 at 2:18 pm

    Hi Chris, I have been in NC for 2 months now as I just haven’t been able to reach out, the breakup was 3 months ago, he recently removed me from a group chat I was in even though I haven’t posted anything, does this mean that he has moved on. It’s just felt the whole time I was the only one hurt by it, he said he wanted to remain friends yet there has been nothing. I have tried to show I don’t care by not reacting at all even though it killed me he did it himself. He seems to be doing so well and I am struggling

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 7, 2020 at 9:17 pm

      Hey RJ, your guy taking the time to remove you even though you were not active means that he is clearly bothered by you being there (emotional reaction) However if you want to get him back then you are going to have to master the courage to reach out and break the ice. I would wait for a while since he has just removed you from the group or he will think that is the only reason why

  4. Avatar

    Reggie Tampa

    July 1, 2020 at 6:07 am

    Hey. My ex Jarad and I recently broke up a week ago. He broke up with me, and I am devastated. I pleaded and begged and cried, I don’t want to stay broken up. We talked about engagement rings, childrens names, being married, moving out and living together. I don’t know what happened. I thought he really loved me. I made a lot of mistakes during the relationship which I apologised for and offered to change my ways but he wouldn’t accept it. He cried and said he still wanted me in his life, but I said because he is breaking up with me we cannot be friends as it is too hard for me, he disagreed and said it is immature to think like that and that he will always care about me and love me but that our relationship is not working and we cannot be together. I kissed him goodbye and we have not spoken since. I am on day five of NC. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat- I have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have booked in to see a therapist. I am really down. He was my first love and I really truly thought he would never leave me. He told me we were soulmates as recent as a few weeks ago. How can he change so fast? I just noticed he’s following all these young, pretty girls on Instagram and his ex (the one previous to me) followed him on Instagram and he never followed back and then she unfollowed. It is all so weird. I am devastated.. what does this mean? They broke up years ago so I doubt she checks his Instagram that often to notice he was recently single (we have unfollowed each other and his photos of me have been deleted). Does this mean he reached out to her? If so why? Is he being fake? If he genuinely thought we were soulmates and still loved me and cared for me but didn’t want to be with me “right now”.. then why is he trying to move on to other girls so fast? It’s only been days..like okay break up with me, but why disrespect me so soon? How could he attempt to get with other girls so soon? And he keeps posting stories and acting like he’s so fine. It hurts so bad I can’t even breathe some days.

  5. Avatar

    Michelle

    June 27, 2020 at 2:17 am

    Hey! I actually dated a guy for 2.5 months the first time and followed your advice given on this website and got him back. He texted me wanting to try again. However, we lasted about a month and a half. We’ve struggled with some compatibility issues and our relationship became toxic and it made him exhausted. He says he loves me but doesn’t want to remain in a toxic relationship. He also said it’s very unlikely that he will come back again. Is it less likely for a guy to want to come back for a second time? Should I give up? I would really appreciate some advice. I really think our relationship could have worked if we were better at compromising on some issues we had.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 27, 2020 at 7:39 pm

      Hey Michelle, I can not tell you when you should give up that has to be your decision. But if you follow this programs advice starting with a full NC and working on yourself. The reasons your ex saw your relationship as toxic, you need to work on yourself for that part and hope that he does the same for himself. Work on your Holy Trinity and then at the end of a 45 day NC you can start the texting phase if you feel that you are going to be able to make the relationship work in a healthy way