Today we will talk about why your ex replaced you so quickly.
This article will not only cover why they did, but also what you can do to remedy the situation.
When someone breaks up with you, you may expect them to move on eventually, but you do not expect them to move on quickly.
You certainly don’t expect to be replaced.
But, low and behold, your ex has quickly entered into a new relationship with someone who appears to be a carbon copy of you.
So, what’s going on here?
Is your ex completely over you, because they began a new relationship so soon?
Well, to answer that question, we need to fully understand the rebound rules.
Understand The Rebound Rules
A few years ago, I put together a video called The Phases of a Rebound Relationship.
In this video, I discussed the basic phases of a rebound relationship and gave tips on how to differentiate between a rebound relationship and a legitimate type of long-lasting relationship.
I determined there are really two main questions to consider when assessing whether your ex’s new relationship is a rebound relationship or a long-lasting one.
Question #1: How quickly did your ex move on to this new relationship?
This may seem obvious but answering this question will help you determine whether or not your ex’s new relationship is a rebound or more serious.
If your ex moved on to a new relationship anywhere between a few days to a month after your relationship ended, it is more than likely still in rebound territory.
However, if your ex waited maybe six months before dating someone new, that may not really be considered a rebound relationship.
That is more of a legitimate relationship.
Question #2: How long have they been in the rebound relationship?
We have put a lot of research into this question.
After reviewing our data and working with countless clients, we have determined the average length of time that a rebound relationship lasts is about 5.2 months.
In other words, if your ex has dated someone for longer than five and a half months after your breakup, the relationship – even one that may have started out as a rebound – may have evolved into a more serious, meaningful one.
To answer the question about whether or not your ex is truly over you, it is important to look at the pattern of their new relationship and determine if it is a rebound.
If you answer the above two questions and it is a rebound relationship, it’s very likely your ex is not 100% over you.
Did Your Ex Really Love You?
It’s natural to ask yourself if your ex truly loved you if they replaced you so quickly.
This may surprise you, but, in my opinion, the answer is likely yes.
90% of the exes we encounter that enter a rebound relationship after a breakup did so because they loved their previous partner.
Why would they do that?
Well, they are looking for a distraction from the pain.
They simply do not want to face their feelings and the heartbreak that comes with the loss of an important relationship, so they begin a new relationship as a distraction. So, the fact that your ex replaced you so quickly is indicative of the fact that they cared for you on a deep level.
I understand how that may be difficult to believe.
It’s natural to think your ex doesn’t care about you, because they replaced you so quickly.
However, your ex is not really thinking in those terms.
This relates to an interesting fact we have learned about couples and relationship, and it’s that all human beings have two competing desires in a relationship.
The Conflicting Need For Stability And Adventure
Over the past decade of coaching clients through breakups, we have discovered that all human beings share a need for stability and adventure in their relationships.
What is interesting about these two needs is how they conflict with each other in nature.
Think of the people you know.
Generally, the more stable personalities you know do not like to do adventurous things.
Similarly, the more adventurous and spontaneous personalities tend to rebel against stability – they want to remain spontaneous.
Yet, these are two qualities that we want to coexist in relationships.
Many of our clients fall into the stability category.
Meaning, they became too complacent in their relationship and stopped doing spontaneous and adventurous things with their partner.
Their ex then often replaced them with someone new who adds excitement or adventure to the relationship.
On the flipside, for our clients who are more spontaneous or adventurous in nature, often the ex will replace them with someone who is more stable.
So, as you think of your ex’s new partner, it may be interesting to consider what desire he or she is fulfilling and how it differs from your relationship.
Perhaps you offered more stability, but complacency grew in the relationship.
Or maybe you were more adventurous, but your partner craved stability. It’s likely the new relationship fulfills the opposite need.
The problem is that we need both stability and excitement in a relationship.
So, while you may be extremely stable and this new person may be extremely adventurous, eventually your ex will start craving stability if it gets a little too adventurous.
Now, speaking of the other woman or the other person, what are they actually feeling throughout this entire time? Are they thinking about you?
Inside The Mind Of The Other Woman
Allow me to just say that it’s completely normal for you to obsess about the other woman or man that your ex is dating.
You are likely curious about how they look, what they do, what they like, or don’t like.
But are they curious about you?
Well, in order to answer that, I think we have to understand the narrative they have been told about you and your relationship with your ex.
You see, we have noticed an interesting trend among exes, especially in men.
When they cheat on their partners or replace them with someone new, these men tend to pain themselves as victims of a bad relationship.
When the “other woman” asks about their relationship, they villainize their partner by saying things like…..
- “I cannot stand her anymore.”
- “We never slept together.”
- “We always fight with each other.”
We all know the reality may be a little different, but this is why often the other woman views herself as a hero who is saving him from a bad situation.
When truly this man is lying about the situation to make himself sound like the victim.
Now, I only share this perspective, because often when women are replaced by an ex, they become fixated on the fact that another woman stole their man.
They spend so much energy making the other woman into this demon-like figure, because she “broke up the relationship”.
However, the real reason she’s acting this way is likely due to the false narrative she was told by your ex.
I have heard countless women cover for their exes and say things like, “she preyed on a helpless man”.
This is not 100% true. I am not trying to demonize your ex, but I want to make sure you remember to also put responsibility on your ex.
Your ex is just as responsible for replacing you, moving on, or even cheating on you as the other woman.
How Do You Get Your Ex Back If You’ve Been Replaced?
Now that we’ve explored the reasons why your ex may have replaced you, let’s talk about what you can do to get them back or just “win” the breakup.
Surprisingly, the most effective strategy in this situation is extending the No Contact Rule.
If you are not familiar with the No Contact Rule, check out our ExBoyfriend Recovery YouTube Channel or this website for more details.
Years ago, we believed shortening the No Contact Rule was the best strategy to use if an ex begins a new relationship.
However, after diving into the data and working with countless clients, we realized the opposite approach is most effective.
We now recommend extending the No Contact Rule to a period of 45 days in a situation where you’ve been replaced.
Well, believe it or not, timing is extremely important.
If you end the No Contact Rule too soon in this situation, it’s likely your ex will still be in the honeymoon phase of their new relationship and find your contact irritating.
However, if you wait until after the honeymoon phase ends, your ex will be more open to hearing from you.
Steps To Follow After The No Contact Rule
So, now that a 45 day No Contact Rule has ended, what should you do next?
This is where we often advise our clients to follow the “Being There Method” – a method we have seen work extremely well with our clients in this situation.
I used to describe the Being There Method to clients by suggesting they “friend zone” themselves and become a constant friendly presence in their ex’s life.
But I realized this description was not doing the method justice, because you don’t really want to become their friend.
Now I describe this method by painting this picture.
Have you ever been in a situation where you liked someone and knew they liked you back, and every interaction had this anticipatory excitement to it as you wondered who would make the first move?
That is the Being There Method in a nutshell.
You basically become a constant presence in your ex’s relationship, but not as a true friend.
You are going to be a little more than a friend, so much so that the new person will feel intimidated by you.
Now, earlier in this article, I talked about how natural it is to obsess about your ex’s new partner, but is she obsessing about you?
Well, not at first.
At first, she is very self-interested, because she views herself as saving this man from a horrible relationship.
But the truth is, she will begin to pay attention to you if she feels threatened.
In other words, if you practice the Being There Method and your ex begins to invest time to talking with you, she will start looking at your Facebook profile and start picking everything about your life apart – and this is where it’s important to tell your story.
This is where you can become the “alpha female”.
You want to post things on Facebook, Instagram, snapchat – whatever relevant social media platforms you use – to make her feel intimidated.
On social media, you want to look beautiful, sexy, smart, cultured – everything you ever wanted.
You don’t necessarily have to feel these things, but you want to look like you are these things, so the other woman feels extremely intimidated.
Do this not only for your ex, but also to attract the attention of other men.
The truth is, the more that your ex sees other men giving you attention, the more he will pay attention to you, which will get the attention of the other woman too.
This is only a quick snapshot of the Being There Method.
Create A New “First Experience” Together
I’ll leave you with one final suggestion.
After you apply the Being There Method and have several positive interactions with your ex, you may feel the need to hang out with them.
Yes, you should.
However, you need to do this a certain way.
I’m a big believer in the power of first or new experiences.
What do I mean by that?
Well, we always remember new experiences or first experiences better than anything else.
Imagine you are seeing one of your favorite movies for the first time.
You experience all of the motions the movie wants to evoke in you first time and it’s extraordinary.
It’s so extraordinary that you think, “hey, I want to go and see that movie again”.
So, you see the movie again and it’s still extraordinary, but it’s not as impactful as when you saw it for the very first time. This is the impact of a first time, new experience.
So, if you are going to hang out with your ex, my suggestion is for you to do something for the first time together that neither of you have experienced before.
This first experience together will actually bond you even closer.