When her boyfriend revealed to her that he wanted to open up the relationship so they could both see and date other people, the first thing Kendra thought was,
“You got to be kidding”.
His reply was,
“No Babe, I just want to keep seeing you and maybe date other girls. It will be good for us. You can see other guys too. It will help us figure out if what we have is for real.“
Unfortunately he was not pulling her leg.
The next thought she had was if the whole thing was a farce.
She felt certain that her boyfriend really didn’t mean what he said.
She knew she was the best thing for him. He had struggled in other relationships where the women in his life were too clingy and demanding.
Kendra had none of those qualities. She was independent and confident in herself and what she wanted in life.
They had hit it off immediately when they first met. He was always telling her how she was his “everything“. So the notion that he wanted to see and date other girls, couldn’t be true, she thought. It didn’t sound like him at all.
But there he stood before her, with this silly, stupid looking expression on his face.
Suddenly, she started connecting all the dots.
All those little comments he recently started making about guys and girls should be free to date whoever they want, came into focus. Those off the wall opinions that
“love affairs are not all bad if the right girl and guy connect”.
Kendra now remembered those times when her boyfriend said these things. Before, it just came off as little innocent comments made in such a way that they hardly sounded disagreeable.
But now she saw through it all. Her boyfriend was actually a bit of a relationship schemer, so it seemed. Or maybe he was having cold feet.
And Kendra was having none of it.
So after she gave him several minutes to offer up his feeble explanation as to why this was such a “great” idea for them as couple and how it will elevate their “trust levels” and eventually prove just how important they are to each other, she gave him a dose of girl power reality.
Unleashing Your Girl Power
She essentially told her boyfriend that,
“Sure, you are free to see other women and date the ones you think you like. And for that matter you can have sex with them and travel to far away places. You can dance all night and walk every beach in the world. But just know that you have not only lost your mind, but you are losing me forever”.
She came pretty close to an ultimatum, wouldn’t you say!
I can only imagine what some of my other women clients would say to a guy that wanted to run off and party it up with some other girls.
I can hear them now as they sharpen to the attack. I literally can see angry women coming out of the woodwork to crucify their boyfriends if they ever proposed such an arrangement.
For example, I could hear them saying:
“So BOYFRIEND, you want to keep dating me? And you are saying you met another girl? Congratulations and good riddance. You have my permission to carry on with your stupidity. Good luck with your slumming around. Perhaps if your are lucky, you won’t come down with any diseases. NOW, GET OUT OF MY FACE!”
Or something like….
So you really want to meet up and connect with some new women. Just know this. As soon as you get your new little girlfriend, I am going to rain on your party. She is going to know all about your history and what an idiot your truly are. And by the way. Yes, I think I will be seeing and dating other men because we are FINISHED!”
That is some pretty rough language!
And if you are in such a situation, I would imagine such thoughts would be on the very tip of your tongue.
I won’t go quite a far as suggesting you should slime your boyfriend with what he probably richly deserves. But as you read on, you will discover that I am not going to advise you take this development lightly.
So let’s take a closer look at this whole problem.
If Your Boyfriend Dates Other Girls Can It Really Help Your Relationship?
It is not often you get a boyfriend who attempts to construct a new paradigm in dating.
I can’t say it is like “friends with benefits” because I don’t know of any women who would be willing to put up with an open relationship such that they would allow their boyfriend to hook up with other girls.
When you got a guy coming up to you saying he wants to date other girls, but he still considers the two of you a couple, we got a big problem.
We got us a big disconnect on the meaning of a healthy relationship.
Your boyfriend or whatever you wish to call him, is in serious need of a reality check.
As I said, I know of no woman who would be willing to go along with her boyfriend’s insistence he should be free to date other women.
Ashley, who is my Senior Writer, wrote a great article about boyfriends that have a narcissistic streak.
To say the least, if your guy thinks he can get away with trying to keep the romance alive with you, while at the same time pursuing other women, he truly is a deeply troubled guy. I know you are not going to put up with such shenanigans, nor should you let him off the leash.
When a guy reveals his intentions by uttering the line, “I want to date another girl“, trust me, Pandora’s box just flew wide open.
Nothing good will come of it.
When a guy talks like this, it is usually code for either he wants to break up with you. Or, he hopes to have you available, but at the same time play the field. But that is not the only thing it could be. He might just be suffering from a temporary bout of idiocy! Then again, your boyfriend might just be afraid of commitment.
Whatever it driving his behavior, it adds up a situation where your boyfriend proverbially “wants his cake and eat it to“.
Your boyfriend might roll it out there to you in a very nonchalant and seemingly innocent way. He might say something like, “Sweetheart, an old friend has come to town and reached out to me. I think I am going to take then out for drinks and just hang”.
Yea, right! I am not buying it and nor should you. An “old girlfriend” can quickly turn into a one night stand or a continuous series of meetups, or worse.
Or he might try to use some manipulative reverse psychology. He might say something like, “Hey honey, I know you enjoy dancing and you know I am just not into that. If you want to take out a friend for some fun dancing, I really wouldn’t mind”. In such a scenario, he might be hoping you will go out for a night on the town while he sneaks out to see his other little Honey. It is kind of a double win for him because he can run around a bit and also relieve his guilt at the same time.
Yes, guys can be just as devious as women.
Sorry, I don’t mean to be pointing fingers or questioning anyone’s honor. I just want everyone out there whose boyfriend is proposing this idea of an “open relationship” to realize it is usually going to lead to very bad outcomes. And if your boyfriend is so motivated to pursue such an idea, he may very well stoop to being devious and manipulative to get his way.
Now maybe there are some progressive thinking people out there who think such an arrangement could work.
Sorry, I am not one of them.
Maybe you think that if you cling to your boyfriend too tightly you might drive him away in the long run. Well, that might be true in most conventional relationships. But in a case where your boyfriend wants to see another girl, then my retort is “Hell no! There is a dividing line that should exist between things that are acceptable to do within a relationship.
There are certain acts within a relationship that should be considered off limits or undoable. This is one of them.
Has There Ever Been A Time When Guys Got Away With Dating Other Women?
Sure, it happens more often than you think.
Boyfriends are always sneaking around seeing other girls. Their old flame may give him a call. Or he might see her somewhere and they start talking and one things leads to another and they start hanging out. Your boyfriend might try to rationalize it as purely innocent and might think to himself that he is just being nice and friendly. “After all“, he might reason, “why can’t I enjoy myself”. “It is not like I am climbing right into bed, with my old girlfriend”, he will rationalize.
Guys lie to themselves all the time. We all do.
One part of your boyfriend’s brain may be attracted to the girl he sees in front of him. He will fill the urge to want to spend time with her. That is the sex urges talking to him. He might want to impress her. That is the ego talking to him. Most guys move on from those feelings. They don’t succumb to these notions because the larger part of their mind that controls them knows that you are best for them.
But that is not the case for all men.
Another part of a boyfriend’s mind feels a bit guilty, so he will seek out some kind of passive permission from you. He might pretend that you wouldn’t mind. That is the part of his mind that is lying to himself. So he just simply doesn’t ever mention anything to you. He figures, he is doing you a favor.
Or he might just mention it in passing, like it is not a big thing. But it is a big thing. Boyfriends and girlfriends can screw up royally when it comes to intermingling feelings of attraction for two different people. It can them to get confused about their own feelings.
I really don’t believe the desire to hang out or date other girls is ever something boyfriends do willy nilly. It is usually something they think of doing because of some underlying issue. They may be scared. They may be immature or impulsive. It could be they are exceptional selfish and self centered. It is possible the boyfriend is unhappy with the relationship and is subconsciously looking for a way to break it off.
This kind of arrangement, even when agreed upon by the parties involved, usually leads to troubled times.
Just imagine all of chaos
The Good Old Days of Lovers Galore
Way back in the day (like the 1960s) there was quite a bit of experimentation with the concept of open relationships, free and inhibited sex between multiple partners, and communal living. Young teenagers and college kids alike explored the give and take of open romantic relationships. I really don’t know of any documented cases of these kinds of relationships really working.
I mean, imagine having a boyfriend who you share everything with. You depend on him for emotional support on those difficult days. You are friends and lovers. You share secrets and embrace every opportunity to do things together that you both love. Now turn this little love nest upside down by introducing the “other girl”.
Imagine throwing this other girl into the mix. Now we have this “other” woman who your boyfriend confesses he “loves” and is intimate with.
The whole idea just seems so idiotic given all the pitfalls. But as I have learned long ago, there are many relationship and breakup stories out there involving all kinds of situations.
So if your guy seems to be trying to redefine the meaning of what a relationship and “couple” truly means, you have some work ahead of you.
When Kendra reached out to me for advice, I was happy to help. After all, it is not everyday I can help a young woman slap some good sense into her boyfriend. At least, that was my hope when I first heard about her situation.
I really didn’t know what was driving her boyfriend’s motivation to even propose such a thing.
Was he truly so in to himself that he thought he could get away with such a bizarre dating proposition?
Was he simply naive in the way of how to establish and maintain a mature relationship with a girlfriend?
I soon found out that Kendra could use a lot of help in making a very important decision.
What Could Your Boyfriend Really Be Thinking?
So let’s get real with what might be going on in the mind of your boyfriend.
I am going to give you the top five possible reasons why your boyfriend wants to change the dynamics of the relationship.
In actuality, it could be a lot things that is driving your boyfriend to conjure up such notions. Let’s explore them briefly, then we will talk about what you should do and say if your boyfriend should ever reveal to you his secret intentions.
So are your ready! Here you go. These are the top reasons why your boyfriend wants your permission to date other women.
- Your boyfriend an idiot. Yes, I am sorry to report to you that some boyfriends are simply idiots and will say and do some of the most stupid things. Fortunately for you, his idiocy in this matter is usually a temporary condition. He might think that it makes some sense in his mind and just blurt it out. After all, it sounded and looked good in his brain when he conjured up the notion. But as soon as your boyfriend start talking about it out loud with you and hears his own words and sees the expression on your face, he will quickly realize that he is a total fool. In these situations, your boyfriend can’t take back the words fast enough as he contorts and squirms his way through trying to separate what he actually said from what he now actually thinks. He will have an epiphany. At that moment, your boyfriend will realize that it was idiotic to even think that way. Of course, sometimes you get these guys who know deep inside that what they propose is really stupid, but since they blurted it out, they feel compelled to at least make an effort to defend their thoughts. It is always a losing battle and they know it. These kind of guys are super idiots. They are probably even a bigger fool because they spend so much time defending the absurd idea. But remember, the idiocy in your boyfriend is usually a temporary condition. He will soon enough come back to reality.
- Your boyfriend is dissatisfied in the relationship. This is not an unusual occurrence. It happens between couples and does not always lead to a breakup. Hopefully, you and your boyfriend can work through the issues. But when your boyfriend suggests that the two of your should be “free” to date other people, it usually indicates he is unhappy and is afraid to tell you that. It may take a while to get to this “truth”. So don’t be surprised if he continues to avoid talking about the real reason why he wants this new arrangement.
- Your boyfriend is narcissistic and selfish. Unfortunately, there are a certain number of guys out there who just want it all. They are never quite satisfied with the relationship they have. They can’t understand how painful it would be for you if they had another women on the side. They might not even care. They may pat themselves on their back for you telling you what they really want. Because a guy like this is so “in to himself” he cannot even process how dating other girls can cause his girlfriend to feel betrayed and worthless. This is usually the worst boyfriend a girl can have. When a guy demonstrates over time that he just wants to run around and play the field and is so conceited and insensitive that he does it in his girlfriend’s full view, you can bank on things not working out.
- Your boyfriend has been tempted. It often doesn’t take a lot to get your boyfriend to feel attracted to another girl. This other girl that he might have seen or spoken to may be less beautiful, less sexy, and far less the Ungettable Girl that you are, but nonetheless your boyfriend (like most men) will have certain urges acting upon him. This is just the way men are wired. Now, that does not mean they are going to jump into the sack with every woman at the first opportunity. But given the right circumstances, your boyfriend could fall prey to the temptations of another girl. This other girl could be quite the seductress. So when you combine momentary stupidity, some guilt, and a good amount of sexual desire, your boyfriend could get carried away with the notion that it would be OK to see this other girl. All he has to do, in his senseless mind, is overcome your objection.
- Your boyfriend is afraid of commitment. Some guys are commitment phobic. Just when things seem to be going well and a strong bond and connection begins to form, your boyfriend can succumb to his doubts and fears. He could have fears of losing his independence. His friends could be making comments about him losing his bachelor status, which in turn creates doubts. He may start overthinking his situation and lose sight of what is best for him. Such thoughts can act upon his subconscious and create a wedge between the part of him that wants you in his life and another part that is afraid and unsure of the future. From all these conflicting feelings and emotions swimming around in his mind, he might get confused about what is best. He might lose perspective. While he is in this brain cloud, he might convince himself that he needs to keep his options open. While your boyfriend may be in denial about what is in his best interest, he won’t realize it in that moment.
What Do You Say To Your Boyfriend if He Wants to Hook Up With Another Girl?
For starters, you can tell him he so full of sh** that he can go…..
Ok! You get the picture. As you can see, I have zero tolerance for this kind of proposition your boyfriend could make.
And so should you.
But exactly how should you handle the situation if it should ever happen to you? You don’t want to just come unglued and blow up in his face. Well, on second thought, that might not be such a bad idea for certain narcissistic boyfriends who are suffering from a big dose of “jerk”.
But if this kind of crazy talk from your boyfriend should ever arise, there are some practical things you should consider saying and doing.
Let start with the case of the foolish, somewhat idiotic boyfriend. I have some specific ideas on how you should handle this situation if it should ever crop up. For that matter, my advice also applies to the boyfriends who have succumb to temptation or are maybe unsatisfied with with the relationship.
By the way, just for clarification sake, I am not saying your boyfriend is a fool or an idiot or a guy who is easily tempted. Nor am I saying he does not want to be with you.
That is the thing you will have to wrestle with.
It is going to be unclear what is going on until your probe. Though I will say that in a lot of these kinds of situations, it is immaturity or fear that causes a boyfriend to latch on to such an absurd idea.
As I explained above, sometimes a guy’s mind can come unraveled. Fear of commitment can drive them to do and say certain stupid things. A certain crazy idea can get lodged in his brain. It does not necessarily mean he is not “boyfriend material“.
But he may need a wake up call. Sometimes the fear of losing something (i.e. you) outweighs whatever fears are driving a guy to push his girlfriend away.
How To Set Your Boyfriend Straight
So he needs to know immediately that what he has said and is proposing is so ridiculous and absurd, that such a thing is a no starter.
Your boyfriend needs to understand in clear language that in no way would you tolerate such a dating arrangement and that you would NEVER be involved in a relationship in which the man thinks he can fulfill his romantic or sexual interests on the side, if he so desires.
He must know you would never sale yourself short.
But moreover, your boyfriend needs to be held accountable for thinking and talking this way.
I am not saying you should be looking to punish him or that you need to be mean and cruel in your treatment of him. But rather, you need to get to the bottom of why he thinks this way.
Challenge him to lay his cards on the table. Make it clear in no uncertain terms that if the two of your are going to “work” he needs to come clean with the truth.
Tell him that you are shaken and disturbed that he would even think that you would be open to such a possibility. If your boyfriend cannot adequately explain what possessed him to suggest such a ridiculous idea, then I would recommend you tell him that you believe it is best that the two of you take a “time out”.
Explain to him that you want the relationship to work, but you are not convinced he is 100% committed. Tell him you want him to use the time to think about what he really wants. Set up a time to meet with him again in a week to discuss the path forward.
Some women will balk at the notion of taking some time away from their boyfriend.
They may fear that their boyfriend may construe the action as being pushed away. But the opposite is the truth. You would be doing your boyfriend a favor by insisting he takes the time to get in touch with his feelings.
Your reaction will reinforce to your boyfriend that you are serious about the relationship and that you are deeply hurt by his words. If your boyfriend wants to bail out of the relationship, then give him the opportunity.
It may sound like a risky proposition, but given the circumstances, it is better to head off trouble sooner than later. If your guy has a problem with what the two of you have created, then you want him to put it on the table. The truth, however painful it may be, is better to deal with than the agonizing uncertainty of whether your guy is committed.
Now, if you are in the unfortunate position of having to deal with a narcassistic boyfriend who thinks he can have everything his way, then your are better off just cutting off ties.
Usually narcissism can run deep.
If your boyfriend’s selfishness has been a recurring problem during the relationship, then you shouldn’t expect that he will be suddenly cured of his self centered ways.
So cut your losses and move on.
Otherwise, you will likely be hurt over and over again.