Today we’re going to be talking about how to steal your ex from another woman.
But before we debate the morality of attempting to steal your ex from “the other woman” I’d like to point you to our “Ex Recovery Chances Quiz.”
I want to do this for one singular reason. I don’t want you doing anything in the “morally grey area” if you have zero chance of getting your ex back.
You’ll just look like a fool.
So, here’s what I’ve done. I have put a simple two minute quiz together for you. My intent is to help you understand what your chances are of getting your ex back.
Once you’ve given us some basic background information we’ll basically run your answers through an advanced algorithm that will spit out a number and tell you what kind of chance you have of getting your ex back.
Perhaps more importantly is you’ll get an idea on if this is worth your time.
How To Steal Your Ex From “The Other Woman”
One of the most terrifying situations to be in is if you’re trying to get an ex back and they’ve moved on to someone else.
When I first started out and someone would come to me with a situation like this, the gif below pretty much summed up my feelings,
But now when someone comes to me with a situation where their ex has moved on this is me,
But why?
Why is it that I’ve done such a complete 180º on this situation?
Well it’s actually because I’ve learned an epic strategy. Granted, it’s a little bit in the grey area morally but it works.
Today I’m going to teach it to you. So, let’s talk about the strategy that has been revolutionizing the way my clients have been getting their exes back if their ex is with someone else.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWarning – This Strategy Might Not Fit With Your Morals
Today we’re going to be talking about how to steal your ex from the “other woman” but before I begin I do want to warn you that this strategy might not fit with your morals.
I firmly believe that it’s my job to show you what I’ve found that works and doesn’t work.
I’m going to leave it up to you to choose whether or not you want to employ this strategy. However, before I begin I do want to warn you that this strategy that I’m about to unveil to you might not fit with your morals and if that’s the case, it’s ok.
Don’t feel that I’m painting you into a corner and making you choose to implement a strategy you aren’t comfortable with.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizWith that being said I feel this is an important strategy for you to fully grasp before you start judging it.
You can determine the morality of what I’m about to show you after you learn what I have to teach you.
Sound fair?
Let’s begin!
The Key To Stealing Your Ex Back
The key to “stealing your ex back” is to not steal them back at all.
Rather it’s to present them with a situation or put them in a position where they choose to come back to you.
Now, you may be reading those words and think that, that’s impossible to achieve.
However, I’m not just basing this strategy on conjecture. No, what I’m about to show you has actually been proven by psychologists and I’m going to show you proof to back up that claim.
So what is this elusive strategy that is kind of in this gray area morally?
The “Being There Method”
Well, what I’d like you to do is that if you find yourself in this situation and you want your ex back from the new person he’s with is to utilize something called being there method.
And it’s actually pretty easy to grasp.
However, just because “the being there method” is easy to understand doesn’t mean it’s easy to implement.
Here’s how it works,
When your ex moves on to someone else you need to become a constant presence in their relationship
To clarify, constant doesn’t mean sexual.
On the contrary, you just need to be a friendly presence not even trying to steal him back but a constant one nonetheless.
Eventually that constant presence will indirectly intimidate the other woman to the point where she will issue him an ultimatum and it will ultimately lead to their demise.
Why Becoming A Constant Presence Is So Important
Becoming a constant presence actually does a couple of things,
- What woman is ok with her boyfriend talking to his ex?
- It creates a natural competition
- You can compete for his time with the other woman
- Ultimately the other woman will grow so insecure she will issue him an ultimatum
The most brilliant thing about “being there” is technically you’re not doing anything wrong.
You are NOT going to be trying to sleep with him or get him to cheat with you.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizInstead, you are just becoming his friend. Essentially you are going to be friend zoning yourself on purpose hoping that, that simple act will intimidate the other woman.
The Being There Method Is Backed By Research
What if I told you that researchers have actually shown data proving that the being there method is effective.
Sounds too good to be true, doesn’t it?
It’s not.
Earlier this year psychologists released a paper where they actually started studying the effect that keeping in touch with a past partner has on your current relationship.
Here’s a quote directly taken from the Psychology Today article,
What implications does this have for people’s current relationships. In general those who stayed in touch with an ex tended to be less committed to their current partner than those who did not. But contact with an ex wasn’t associated with how satisfying they found their current relationship.
Now let’s pause there.
I find that really interesting. In the first study they did actually did find that those who stayed in touch with their exes tended to be less committed to their partners than those who did not.
However, it didn’t mean they were less satisfied with their relationship. Now I have a problem with that because my own research using my own data says the opposite.
People who keep in contact with their exes tend to be less satisfied with their relationships.
But that’s why I have this second part actually quotes below because the Psychology Today article said researchers actually conducted a second study.
The researchers further explored how contact with exes relates to the quality of the current relationship by examining people’s reasons for staying in touch with exes. They survived. Excuse me they surveyed 169 undergraduate students and relationships who said they communicated with an ex at least once every couple of months. This time the team found a link between contact with exes and the quality of the current relationship. The more frequent the contact with an ex the less satisfied participants were with their current relationships.
There you have it.
The being there method is essentially backed by psychologists and this was an actual scientific paper released earlier this year.
Final Thoughts
Let’s talk about the debate between the morality of if you should do that being there method or not.
Here’s my stance,
It’s not my job to debate morality with you. My job is to simply give you options to use as you attempt to try to get your ex back.
I know for a fact that the being there method works extremely well to get an ex back.
I have psychologists backing it up as well as a lot of different success stories.
It’s your responsibility to determine if this is within your morals
Jane
October 18, 2022 at 6:26 pm
Hey
Ex moved out to be with another woman after a 6 year relationship. He wants to be friends after my NCR and meet up.
Any tips please?
Coach Shaunna Nicol
November 6, 2022 at 7:27 pm
Hi Jane, I suggest you read about the being there method while following the NC for 45 days
Xue
May 2, 2022 at 7:55 pm
Hi thanks for this article . Very useful but my ex has moved on with the new girl but he never told the new girl there was me .. so she doesn’t know I’m existed even. Not even as an ex.. in that case, do I still have a chance ? So this method doesn’t work for me. Do u still have a method ?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
May 2, 2022 at 8:11 pm
Hey Xue, you would still need to follow the program along with the being there method – as you are trying to get your ex back from the other woman so yes the same applies.
Hori
March 9, 2021 at 11:01 am
me and my ex broke up in april last year and i done no contact a few times. he admitted to avoiding me as well last year but this year we began to speak a lot more regularly now. he gave me mixed feelings for a week until i found out he may be dating a girl that we both were friends with. he hasn’t made it public or told me but i found out on my own. i really hoped this year we’d get back together and start fresh because im missing him. not sure what to do since he seems to love her like he loved me. i don’t get why hes being so secretive about it.
Liz
November 27, 2020 at 3:42 am
I’ve followed no contact. Then he ended up calling me on a different number than his. This is because I made a mistake a Facebook messaged the girlfriend that he cheated on me with her and she knows my phone number. He came over my house and we had sex. When he got ready to leave I cried. How can I apply this if theres no way to contact him or should I just wait for his call and try again?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 4, 2020 at 9:56 pm
Why would you want to be with someone who you know cheats on his girlfriends? I would suggest that you consider moving on.
Patricia
March 20, 2020 at 2:57 pm
My boyfriend and I of 2years broke up three months ago there was no contact for one month when we did start talking again he said there was hope for us we didnt meet until February that is when he told me he was seeing someone else. We meet again he told me he missed and loved me and now I find out he might be moving. What can I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 20, 2020 at 10:17 pm
You need to implement the being there method. Which by the sounds of things should be easy to do as he is open to meeting you. If you get a third meet up and it can be in a somewhat romantic environment then I would say your chances of getting him back are really high
Bea
January 20, 2020 at 4:48 pm
Ex is ignoring me now. I think he is talking seriously to someone. We are no longer friends on social media and I am not blocked from texting but he isn’t responding. We’re now 2 months out of the break up. Idk what to do
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 22, 2020 at 2:21 pm
Hey Bea have you gone through the No Contact and followed the advice as to what you need to do to start re attracting him?
Elle
January 1, 2020 at 1:20 pm
My boyfriend of 7 months told me he loves me in November when he left town. We did long distance for a month while I recently found out he cheated on me. He now says he is not in love with me all because of that person. She messaged me and I made a promise to not message her again but I did reply when I got a second message telling me not to go over there she used my reply against me by showing the messages to him after I said I didn’t want problems with him for responding and then she blocked me. I posted 3 picture snaps of me which he watched of the day we met. I know he was mind-blown by how I looked that day. I believe that I can get him back. He watched the snap when I thought he wouldn’t. He is still in communication with me. How to make him accept that he is in love with me. The problem is that he says we’re not girlfriend and boyfriend. She calls her a friend, I suppose it’s new but he is staying with her at her house. I told him that I’m visiting as we were in talks of this before I found out he had asked me to visit him. Now he doesn’t want me to but I want to.
I can see she’s intimidated by me and what we have as she tried to create conflict between us. She is very pretty but has kids I think and seems a little older than us maybe. I on the other hand look younger but I’m just a year older than him and he was my first sexual partner. He waited months to have s** with me and with her they’re already sleeping together. I hope he and I are still good. I told him she used that against me. That he knows me. She kept messaging me but he’s trying to protect what he has with her. Like that is all he cares about since I found out. He texted me again saying not to message her more which I agreed not to. I think this had to be something new maybe less than a month.
I need to get him to choose me over her. How do I do this?
I want to leave town in 3 days to go see him. Obviously she’s his focus know and I can predict that newness and having her place to stay at is what likely motivates him because he doesn’t have his own home. He did unfollow me from Instagram after I tagged him on a pic which he untag himself from that’s when I confirmed the cheating he’s excuse is that he says were not a couple after 7 months but I follow him and he still follows me on Snapchat and we text. He still has his dating profile up. He’s never taken it down.
While I’m there I don’t know how it’ll go but whenever we’re together there’s strong feelings yet now she’s in between us. I‘m positive and calm as I have nothing more too lose but more to gain. I likely won’t have s** with him but if it leads to it I’m having him go get tested or we’re not doing it. I am able to stay there longer. He hadn’t given me the address but I know he’ll have to once I’m there since he knows it’s a 12hr drive.
He wanted to get a place with me but now doesn’t and I think it’s because of her but he did tell me he is still coming back When we talk on the phone he laughs and he can’t treat me bad nor scream at me because I don’t allow him to but it feels right when we do. I know not too long ago he had dreamed of him having my back. He usually doesn’t remember
I got him 4 gifts which I showed him 3 by snaps but he won’t wear that if he isn’t with me or until he accepts he’s in love with yet he hasn’t seen the one I want to give him which is us and his dog drawn as his favorite cartoon. I knew he’d love this but know I don’t know because of her. This was something I got for our future place.
He now says he doesn’t want a relationship & that he can’t even take care of himself yet there he is with her. 1. I need to have him realize and admit he’s in love with me or make these feelings deeper 2. Have him choose me. The only thing we struggle with is having make me a priority because other females are taking his focus from me but other signs of love are there.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 5, 2020 at 12:26 am
Hey so, you need to spend some time in no contact so he can wonder where you went. During which time you need to read and understand and follow the ungettable girl information. And use that into your life so along with his feelings for you, he sees that through social media you are the best girl out there for him.
Louise
December 25, 2019 at 5:07 pm
My boyfriend of 5 years just left me for another woman. She is a colleague from his work. He told me he was feeling something for her for some time (not more than 1 month) and a few days ago met her for the first time alone in a cafe and told her he loved her and she told her he loves him too. A few days later, he told me that he was leaving me for her. One of his arguments was that he never felt like this before with nobody, and needs to explore this feeling. We were living together and trying for a baby, so my guess is that he just got cold feet. But I want to give him a chance to figure this out for himself. It has now been 10 days. We have talked on occasion and are on good speaking terms. Right now they are not together because she is in her own country for Christmas, but they will spend new years eve together. I told him I want to stay friends but also want to give him a “honeymoon” period with her.
So my question: how long should I wait to start sending him strategic text to get him back?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 29, 2019 at 6:51 pm
Hey Louise now you handled this somewhat well it seems, but you do not want to be his “friend” so dont keep in touch and do not reach out to him going forward for at least 45 days! After that time you can start the being there method, but read as much as you can that applies to your situation so that you are well prepared on how to do this program properly.
Amee
July 23, 2019 at 7:53 pm
Hi Chris,
I met a European (divorced) guy online (I’m from Asia) through a professional site. He reached out to me, introduced himself and said he wanted to get to know me. We have known each other for two months. At first, I was just answering his questions (if I had a family, what my hobbies were, etc.) I was sort of going with the flow, but eventually, our conversations went deeper and romantic. We did not not have an actual labeled relationship, but we exchanged messages like that of lovers. Until he said he has already fallen in love with someone else – same nationality as his and same age. He said he wants us to stay in contact, as friends. But I want to get him back. After all, he was really interested in me before he met that girl. Is there a chance that I could win him back? Is it a good idea that we stay friends in hopes that he would come back to me when things don’t go well with the girl?
EVA ROBERT W
May 16, 2019 at 5:13 am
HI
My name is Eva being dating this guy for four months, we love each a lot. we spend most our time together. only the last week his ex of ten months come caring a baby claiming the baby belongs to him.my boyfriend didn’t know about leave alone her being pregnant.
Am so confused on what to do. yes myself I have a baby with someone else yet he expects my child. should I leave him? am super confused yet I love him soo much
J.
May 2, 2019 at 9:22 pm
Hi Chris,
Just reconnected with my ex after no contact to indeed find out hes with some girl now from his work in the no contact period. (i think shes just been waiting in the wings acting as his confidante and poking holes in our relationship for the last few months. So i think it just came naturally since shes just been there during our relationship. Honestly I was never worried about her as he never was attracted to her but obviously something changed)
For the Being there method to work …how often do you suggest texting. He was receptive the other day when I was talking about our different baseball teams but when I sent him a stupid thing about the new pikachu movie (funny snapchat of me dancing with the fake pikachu) with ryan renolds and asked if he was stoked to see it I didn’t get a reply.
Not sure if it was because I texted two days in a row or not.
I’m trying to keep it light and funny and not relationship related.
But what do you recommend … keep messaging and do the tide theory? or when he doesn’t respond just take a few days off?
Like how much being there is needed ?
Chris Seiter
May 2, 2019 at 10:20 pm
Hi J…..so the is the right idea…aovid any of teh relationship talk at this stage. Think in terms of little steps….little moves. Not too much of anything – try to slowly draw them to you. Right if he doesn’t respond – that’s OK – just pull back and reenter later to gauge interest levels.
Helen
February 18, 2019 at 3:46 am
I have the opposite problem. I’ve been dating a guy and his ex FWB (never his girlfriend) keeps throwing herself at him. They have mutual friends and are still regular friends but don’t see each other much as she lives slightly out of town. From my perspective this woman is delusional and thinks he’s the love of her life. She stalked my stories until I blocked her. Then had her friends stalk me. Even now she posts selfies trying to look sexy with song quotes about how she’s better than the other girl (moi). I honestly don’t see her as competition as I’m leagues above her in terms of my own interests, intellect, pretty much everything. But I’m worried I’m going to be like the target girlfriend in your article and explode on him about their friendship, especially as she’s putting me down and thinks he’s being hoodwinked by me and I’m not genuine (she’s a doormat who will take any bs. I do not). I’m concerned this might be an ego boost for my guy (he was a player before me) and also concerned as I mentioned that I’ll lose it and issue an ultimatum bc it’s so disconcerting to have her up in his grill. What advice do you have to keeping the guy in this situation (btw your advice has helped me turn this on/off ex into an actual relationship!)
Helen
February 8, 2019 at 5:32 am
I’ve written previously about how a guy I was seeing long-distance left me for another girl that lives far away from him. I haven’t heard from him in 4 months despite him saying he just needs more time. At this point I have your book but I don’t think I can just write an engaging text to hook him in since I know full well it’ll throw him off if I reach out. Do I just start and wish him the best and cut it off in hopes that I either get some closure or he takes the bait?
shay
February 2, 2019 at 9:46 pm
hi. I share 2 young children with my ex. I truly thought we were happy.
he left me almost 2 years ago. we see eachother all of the time and hang out socially and as a family. I found out he started seeing someone a few weeks after he left me. took her on his work aways whilst I was bringing up our new born and older child. he has blown off a few times he was supposed to have his children to be with her. he lead me on the whole first year after he left me when all the while he was seeing and sleeping with someone else. he told me today that yes she is a huge priority in his life and yes he is in love with her. it really hurt 2bh but a part of me doesn’t care. I did want him back… and even if that part does how can I even heighten my chances? I was a “constant” figure in his life all the time he’s been seeing her and it’s done nothing really. I’m at a loss and simply fed up to be honest. Thank you for any advice
Chris Seiter
February 3, 2019 at 12:09 am
Hi Shay! Perhaps you should focus now more on “you” and finding those things that bring healing, happiness, and peace into your life.
D
December 29, 2018 at 2:12 am
Hi Chris, My ex broke things off with me Nov. 1. It has been two months, and I won’t deny that it has been a real struggle to deal with this loss. We were best friends for 6 years before we decided to give it a go. We both have children from separate marriages. We decided to move in together. The 3 years we were together was full of happy, fun and adventurous times. The sex was amazing. Sorry for the TMI. My youngest daughter even asked me one time if the two of us ever fight. I laughed, but it felt good cause we really didn’t.
My oldest daughter and him started to have differences. She was extremely disrespectful to him. He wasn’t much nicer to her. She is 18, so I told her that she either needed to apologize and change her behavior or she had to move out. He never knew I gave her that ultimatum. Two days later he broke things off. He did not give me any clear indication for the reason other than he has been unhappy for a long time. His actions did not show me this. It is confusing. I have been doing the NC. Is there anything else I should do. I feel in my heart that we broke up for the wrong reasons. He carries around a large amount of pride and now I feel like he is being stubborn.
He has texted here and there saying he hopes I am doing ok.
Oh and don’t worry, I didn’t throw my daughter to the wind over this. I love her to death, and if we were to get back together, they would have to mend fences. Thanks for your time.
Chris Seiter
December 29, 2018 at 4:39 am
Hi D…Some guys are just not good at opening up and showing their feelings. They hold it in. Then it all comes pouring out. But sometimes they can also be confused with their feelings until they get some space where they can draw a bigger picture view. I think NC is a good choice. Tap into my eBook, “The No Contact Rule Book” if you want dig deep into the way to best optimize your NC strategy.
Lea
December 7, 2018 at 6:50 am
Hi chris, so I’ve been broken up with my ex since Jan and reconnected again in august after a second NC in july. we have been in frequent contact since then and have become gym buddies. i discovered in late August that he has been seeing this one woman rather regularly and now it seems as if they have become exclusive. he occasionally tries to talk about her mainly about his issues with her in the relationship and I’ve been either dodging the topic, acting bored or telling him i can’t help him in this issue. he even told me once that he has asked her several times to leave him ( which in my mind why don’t you leave then?) i have also been trying to do the friendzone flirt friendzone technique where i would reciprocate to his flirting then back off either by briefly talking about dates ( only if he asks). Lately i feel we are in this very grey area..where he brings up old memories of experiences we have shared (sexual and non sexual) or things I’ve told him before which i am surprised he remembers.
my question is am i on the right path? do i keep doing what im doing? is it working based on your experience?
Chris Seiter
December 8, 2018 at 3:43 am
I think the path is showing some promise. Every situation is highly unique, but continue with what you are doing and adapt as necessary.
Helen
October 22, 2018 at 1:56 pm
Hi Chris,
I am taking this time to heal and sort out my life. My disadvantage is that I don’t have him on any social media so I can’t use that to show him how well I’m doing (that’s worked well in the past). But I think that if I message him now I risk pushing him away. Any other tips?
Chris Seiter
October 24, 2018 at 3:38 am
Hi Helen!
Maybe how you are doing can be conveyed informally through your friends network.
Helen
October 20, 2018 at 2:25 am
I met a guy on holiday in April and he came to visit from england in September. He acted a bit odd and distant and wouldn’t sleep with me, and admitted he’d had a fling with another girl back home. After he left I discovered he had actually gone to see this girl in the US and they were still together. Also he had blocked me on instagram. I called him out and he admitted everything- lying to me, cheating, how he struggled with anxiety. He sent me proof that he told his GF everything and they’re still together, even though they’re doing long distance and he previously told me he didn’t like long distance and that’s why he tried to not get attached to me. I reached out after 2 weeks and he said that he’s not ready to speak with me yet and that talking to me causes anxiety right now. How do I deal with this? He hasn’t whatsapp blocked me, but I want him back, at least as a friend, and right now he won’t speak to me. Do I just wait it out?
Chris Seiter
October 22, 2018 at 4:16 am
Hi Helen!
Probably best to give him some space and you take that space and time as well so you can focus on dealing with whatever healing and recovery you require. It may take some time to process all of this and get more fully in touch with all your feelings about what you want from him.
Ceri
October 14, 2018 at 7:28 am
Hi Chris,
So things recently changed in my break up, -after only 6 months of breaking up but stil talking and occasionally feeling like we could get back together as he said he liked me and was obsessed with me, my ex told me last week that he was dating someone new. Right now I feel like I can’t talk to him as this was something that had caused me a lot of worry and anxiety that he’d find someone better even during the relationship, and I don’t actually know if I want to try and get him back or not anymore. But what actually works better in this situation more non-contact or to be a constant presence? Short periods of non contact always seemed to bring him back to talking to me however constantly talking and kid of flirting definitely felt more comfortable and helped too.
I hope you can help.
Thanks, Ceri
Chris Seiter
October 14, 2018 at 9:25 pm
Hi Ceri!
Probably NC would be best. You have my eBook right? It will help you with all aspects of the post breakup. Also, go to my home page and take a look at the Private Facebook Support Group I offer.
Chris Seiter
October 14, 2018 at 9:25 pm
Hi Ceri!
Probably NC would be best. You have my eBook right? It will help you with all aspects of the post breakup. Also, go to my home page and take a look at the Private Facebook Support Group I offer.
Alice
September 15, 2018 at 3:03 am
I was with my ex for almost three years. We broke up twice during the relationship, for maybe 2-3 months combined. We were also long distance (we met at the end of the year in law school) until this past December, when I went to Europe for New Years and then he moved back to the states to start grad school, and we moved in together.
During the last break in our relationship, when he’d gone back to Europe after not being re-admitted to law school and I was still in the states working on my JD, he went on a few dates with an ex-girlfriend of his, with whom he was still casual friends. He later told me that those dates, and how crazy she was driving him, made him realize how much he missed me and how much he actually wanted to be with me. We slowly resumed our long-distance relationship. He helped her move into a new house, but rejected her advances when she tried to sleep with him. She was pretty pissed at him about this and intentionally got back into an unhealthy relationship with a different ex of hers, someone she knew he would be unhappy about (because he cares about people’s wellbeing, not necessarily because of jealousy). At the time, he was disgusted by her behavior and her pettiness and cut all contact with her.
In February of this year, he learned from mutual friends that his ex was having significant difficulties. In March, he went home over spring break and ran into her in person. They’ve been talking on and off for the past couple months, but I felt secure in my relationship and I still know he would never cheat on me or anything like that. After his summer semester ended, he went back to Europe again to visit friends and family and his ex had some health problem that necessitated a trip to the hospital; he drove her because she was away from her family. About three weeks later, when my ex came home, he broke up with me.
I can’t afford to move out yet, though I hope to be moving into my own place sometime next month, so I still live with my ex, and he volunteers all sorts of information even though I’m trying to do the limited contact. He’s one of my best friends, and one of my strongest sources of support, so I am a little afraid of trying to go completely NC. (Over the summer, I recognized and began extricating myself from an incredibly abusive family situation; I have cut contact with my parents and severely limited contact with my siblings, so they are not available as sources of emotional support. After law school graduation, most of my close friends have scattered across the country. My ex is the one who has helped me deal with some mental health issues and I rely heavily on him for this. Which he knows.) Because he’s my primary support, I’ve broken even limited contact on a number of occasions when I really needed support/a friend. Anyways, because we’re living together still and because he still volunteers information without prodding, often without expecting a response from me, I know that he has been working to get back with his ex.
When we broke up, my ex told me it was just because he wasn’t happy (which was entirely fair). He also told me he wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of being “DONE” with dating. We had talked on several occasions about our future and marriage, and though we’re both in our twenties, I’m a few years older than him and more ready to settle down. Honestly, I see the problems that existed in our relationship. Since realizing my mother was abusive towards both me and my father, I can recognize some of the unhealthier relationship behaviors I’ve been guilty of and I’m working on addressing the lingering effects. Ironically, almost as soon as we’d broken up, my ex and I somewhat “reverted” to our personalities from earlier on in our relationship. Partly because of this, I strongly believe that my ex and I can overcome those problems and have a healthy, lasting relationship. I’ve never had chemistry like ours with anyone else and I honestly believe we make each other stronger, better people.
Even though he is the one who broke up with me, and even though he is clearly attempting to pursue things with his ex, he has repeatedly stated that he hopes he didn’t make a mistake. He’s talked about waiting five years, or even one year, to allow ourselves to grow more independently of each other and then giving it another shot. He’s told me that he needs time to figure things out for himself, but that he hopes he didn’t “blow things” entirely with me when he does. But at the same time, he told me he thinks that his ex “might be the love of [his] life” and that he feels like the universe just keeps pushing them back together.
I don’t know how to compete with his exgirlfriend and from what I’ve seen of their interactions over the past several months, I don’t like her. I want to try the “Being There” method, but I honestly and sincerely believe that this girl is manipulative and generally bad news. She self-sabatoges to try to make him feel bad (see the unhealthy relationship when he didn’t want to sleep with her), she takes advantage of his legitimate concerns over her health (she’ll message something like “I’m on my way to the emergency room” and then disappear for days at a time), and she just generally seems like a “Not Good” person. As a friend, I don’t know how I can sit back and be supportive of him getting into a relationship, rebound or not, with this girl.
I don’t feel like I can go no contact because he is an integral part of my support system and I’m dealing with a few other major stressers in my life right now (like job insecurity, my recent familial realizations, and other things completely unrelated to my relationship with my ex). I want to try the “Being There Method,” and I’m happy to act as his friend, but I honestly think this ex-girlfriend is bad for him, and I don’t think it sounds like honest, unbiased concern because we broke up so recently. I love him with all my heart and I am willing to take the time necessary to get him back. Is there anything that I can start doing now, before I move out, to make myself more desirable than my ex’s ex?
Chris Seiter
September 17, 2018 at 9:42 pm
Hi Alice…you may be right…his girlfriend may be bad from him and I agree, “the Being There Method” is a prudent step to take. Just tap into my resources here on the site or in my books as there are all kinds of ways you can reinforce your value.