Shock, hurt, and anger.
Those are just a few of the feelings you may experience after finding your ex on a dating website and now you want to know what to do about it.
Luckily for you, we are going to talk about what you should and should not do in this situation and what it means when you find your ex in the online dating world.
But before going any further, the number one thing you should ask yourself is, do I have a chance?
Too often, I hear of people visiting our website, getting excited about the content, trying to get their ex back, and failing.
This is simply because they never stopped to consider what chance they had of getting their ex back.
By taking two minutes to complete our Ex Recovery Chances Quiz, you could save yourself a lot of time by determining your chances first.
Here’s What To Do If You Find Your Ex On A Dating Website
Ok, let’s get to solving the dating website quandary.
When I began planning this article, I was having a difficult time deciding on the topic.
I believe it’s important to keep content fresh and not retread the same old topics over and over again, like I see many of my peers doing.
I wanted to add something new to the conversation, so I went to my number one resource to find a relevant topic – our private Ex Recovery Program Facebook support group. This group is full of people going through our program, who are having a difficult time getting their exes back.
Lately I have noticed a huge uptick in the number of questions in this group posted from women who have discovered their exes on dating websites.
They ask questions like, “is this normal?” and “what should I do about it?”.
So, today I’d like to answer these questions and share my overall thoughts about why your ex is on a dating website.
Is It Normal For Your Ex To Go On A Dating Website?
When we pulled the aggregated data relating to this topic from our private Facebook support group, four dating websites surfaced as the most common websites for exes to dabble in online dating:
- Plenty of Fish
Basically, our clients would find their exes on one of these sites, panic, and run to us to ask, “is this normal?”.
Well, believe it or not, it is normal behavior for your ex to explore online dating after a breakup.
So often, after a relationship ends, we tend to romanticize it.
We want to believe our ex only thought of us and no one else during the relationship.
Then, reality hits hard when we notice our ex is pursuing other women online after the breakup.
As difficult as this may be to hear, it is completely normal for him to exhibit this behavior.
In his mind, the reason he broke up with you is because he thought he could do better than you.
So, it’s a natural next step for him to then go out and find another woman who is better than you.
Enter online dating.
As difficult as seeing your ex on a dating website may be, there are a few rules that you should follow to make sure this emotional situation does not get the better of you.
What NOT To Do If You Find Your Ex On A Dating Website
Of course, when our clients see their exes on a dating website they don’t react too well to the news.
Some of them do some really ridiculous things.
Luckily, we’ve seen enough of this behavior to warn you about it ahead of time so you don’t fall into the most common pitfalls.
Rule #1: Do Not Contact Your Ex About It
We see this occur often in our private Facebook group, especially if someone believes their relationship was truly special with their ex.
They cannot believe their ex would stain the memory of their relationship by joining a dating website and going on a date with someone new.
They simply cannot stop themselves from contacting their ex to ask them what they’re doing on Tinder or Bumble.
How dare they do that!
What these clients do not stop to realize is that by reaching out to shame their ex about joining a dating website, they are actually making themselves appear petty, desperate, and super insecure.
If you ever want your ex back, breaking this rule will only create more difficulty to making this goal a reality.
Rule #2: Do Not Point Out That He’s Lied About His Age, Height, or Weight
This rule is simple.
Don’t sabotage him.
Here is a statistic for you.
Did you know that about 81% of people who join an online dating website lie about either their age, height, or weight?
That means, if you notice that your ex-boyfriend is 5’8, but he says he’s 5’10 in his online dating profile, he is in the majority.
Don’t message him or any of the girls he’s dating to say he’s lying.
This would just create unnecessary headwind for you in the future.
Managing Your Feelings About The Other Woman
Now, let’s switch gears here for a minute.
As I shared, the number one question that my clients ask is whether it’s normal for their ex to be exploring online dating.
The second most common sentiment I hear from clients relates to the difficulty they experience when thinking about their ex dating someone new.
Oftentimes it is in the middle of the No Contact Rule when you will learn that your ex is dating someone new.
The fact that communication is on hold when you find out your ex is dating someone new or even sleeping with someone new only intensifies these feelings.
The more you think about it, the more you struggle with even imagining your ex in a new romantic relationship. It drives you insane to the point where you feel like you can’t take it anymore.
But, what do you do?
What is the best way to handle these feelings?
In my experience, there are two ways to handle your emotions when you learn your ex is in a new relationship.
The first way is a direct, attack-based way and the second way is an internal based way.
Ultimately, I think you need to do both if you want to effectively manage these feelings, while also maximizing your chances of attracting your ex back.
Direct Way (Attack Base)
When I was preparing this article, I noticed a comment by a woman in our private Facebook support group who was struggling with thoughts of her ex going on a date with someone new after she found him on Tinder.
Her response was interesting to me because she joined Tinder too.
Here is what she had to say:
“Boys and gals. Get on Tinder! Or another dating app. I’m only on day 10 of 45 of my No Contact Rule and was suuuuper hesitant about it mainly because I can’t see myself with anyone other than my ex. BUT so far it’s been a great way of practicing funny, light, and witty communication skills with strangers! It really helps with getting out of that “arguing state of mind” and just have fun.”
I find it amusing when I suggest that a client join Tinder or another dating website to sharper their skills and they kind of roll their eyes, politely concede, but then never do it.
The few clients who do follow my advice on this subject usually thank me.
Because it’s a great distraction from thinking constantly about their ex.
More often than not, their ex also starts to pay attention when they see my client on Tinder or another dating website.
So that is a direct way of handling your ex going on a dating website.
But I’ve actually found much more success with the indirect way.
And oftentimes the indirect way is the one that gets people to roll their eyes and say that’s cliché, but it’s not and I’ll prove it to you.
The Indirect Way (Internal Base)
I make it a point to personally interview client success stories to gather the details and find out what worked well for them.
In fact, in the past three days, I conducted three hour-long interviews with women who got their exes back.
Ultimately, I’m looking for both successful and unsuccessful patterns.
I’m happy to say that I have noticed a distinct pattern after conducting over 20 hours of interviews and it relates to mindset.
The successful clients often possess a confidence or strong belief that they will be OK even if they do not get their ex back. They don’t think the world will end if things do not work out. In fact, many times, these clients give up on entirely on trying to get their ex back. That is when their ex usually starts to pay attention.
The more I noticed this pattern, the more intentional I became about asking our coaching clients about this confidence mindset.
In the next three weeks, I plan to release one of these success stories each week on my podcast.
In each interview, I asked the client what she thought about this concept of having a confidence mindset, if she possessed it, and if she thought it led to getting her ex back.
Each one of them said, “Yes, it was absolutely essential to the process.”.
I then asked each of them if it would be possible to fake this type of confidence.
In other words, could they have pretended they were indifferent to losing the guy when they really were not?
All three of them said, “no, it’s not something that you can fake”.
While you could possibly start out by faking this belief, it would eventually need to become an internalized belief.
This internal confidence is what tells you that no matter how bad things get, you’ll still be OK. Knowing that is what makes you stronger.
Now a lot of the people who are reading this article likely do not possess this mentality, because success truly boils down to confidence.
How Can You Become More Confident?
Another big question that I hear from women all of the time relates to confidence and how women can increase their confidence.
The best way I can answer this question is to talk about becoming ungettable.
In fact, I recently published a book called “Ungettable” that answers this question in depth. I’m not saying you need to purchase it. In fact, there won’t even be a purchase link in this article, but what I want to teach you today is fully covered in this book.
The Three Layers Of Confidence
You see, I believe that confidence comes in three layers: the Surface Layer, the Lifestyle Layer, and the Internal Confidence.
Layer #1: Surface Layer
The first layer of confidence is called the Surface Layer.
This layer includes anything relating to appearance, including how you look, what you are sharing on social media, and what other people are saying about you. The Surface Layer is the most superficial.
Instagram influencers have an excellent grasp of Surface Layer Confidence.
But what we are aiming for is not necessarily the Surface Layer. We’re looking for something much deeper. A deep layer of confidence that transcends how you look or even how you are perceived by other people.
Layer #2: Lifestyle Layer
So, the next layer of confidence is the Lifestyle Layer.
This includes everything regarding your skills, your hobbies, your likes and dislikes.
This layer is based more on your personality.
So, with this level of confidence we’re getting closer to that internal layer that we’re about to talk about, but we’re not quite there yet.
This is maybe deeper than the Surface Layer of Confidence, but it’s not quite internal yet.
Layer #3: Internal Confidence
The third layer and most important layer of confidence is Internal Confidence.
This is the most difficult confidence to achieve and yet it is the most difficult type of confidence to explain.
The best way I can explain it to you is to say it’s about having so much confidence in yourself that no matter how bad things get you know you’re going to walk away and be OK. You’re allowed to grieve and be upset, but you know in the end you’re going to be OK.
Now obviously most women wonder how I do I get that internal layer of confidence? Well, in my experience there are two ways.
First Way: Trickledown Effect
The first way to develop internal confidence is what I call the “trickledown effect”.
Think of it like this, if you work a lot on your lifestyle and Surface Layer of Confidence, that will naturally just trickle down and create Internal Confidence.
But this will not create Internal Confidence alone. You will also need to face and accept your greatest fears.
Second Way: Face Your Greatest Fears
Facing your greatest fear requires meditation and visualization.
This week, I am working on this concept with a coaching client. She was so focused on getting her ex-boyfriend back that I had to remind her that she’s losing sight of the Internal Confidence Layer. Success, as I mentioned, comes from developing this Internal Confidence Layer.
When she asked me how to develop this layer, I suggested that she set aside 10 to 15 minutes every day for meditation and visualization.
Lock yourself in a room, close your eyes, and imagine your greatest fear. Imagine your ex saying he hates you; he is never going to get back with you and you will never have a chance. Imagine doing everything right and failing.
Then imagine yourself confidently getting up and walking away from your ex. Maybe imagine that after you get up and walk away, he starts begging for you to come back to him, but you say no. In other words, imagine you going from rags to riches.
Ultimately, the more you engage in visualizing yourself going through your worst-case scenario and emerging on the other side OK, the better off you will become. You are building that internal layer of confidence.
What may have begun as a ritual exercise will become your mantra. Ten to fifteen minutes of motivational exercise every day. The more you visualize your worst fears coming true and you being ok, the stronger you will become.
Soon you will not be focusing on your ex being on a dating website. You will not be focusing on your ex dating some other girl or sleeping with some other girl. You will be focusing on your own personal growth and, by cultivating your own Internal Confidence, you will truly know that you will be OK.