For the next few minutes, just follow along with me here and imagine that you were in a situation where your ex boyfriend tells you that he hates and despises you.
Oh but before I really dive in I have a bit of a favor to ask, if you have ever had an experience with an angry and agitated ex boyfriend such as what we will talk about here, by all means weigh in.
Tell me about your breakup situation and what happened.
Use the Comment Section below.
Me and my team will offer our input and support because we know how badly it can make you feel if your ex boyfriend says he hates and despises you.
In fact, it is an awful position to be in when you are on the receiving end of criticism from the guy you love.
You don’t know whether you should try and defend yourself and fight back or just lay low.
Sometimes, because of the heat of the battle, whatever you do when your ex boyfriend is on a rampage just isn’t going to turn out well.
But help is on its way. Lend me you ear!
(That’s a picture of me by the way in case you were wondering.)
You just want me to cut right to the chase.
So let’s say you wake up in the morning feeling alone with a heart sick feeling deep in your chest.
You are not the kind of girl who would ever think that their boyfriend would end up having hateful and resentful feelings toward you. You have been sweet and caring. The relationship, though only about a year old, has been fulfilling.
It never even entered your mind that what the two of you had together would come apart at the seams. You never imagined that you ex boyfriend would become so angry at you. That is why it was shocking when he told you that he never wanted to see or hear from you again. It was like a bad dream as you experience the relationship just break apart.
This is not happening to me…
You think to yourself.
But it did.
What is a girl to do when she thinks she has met her Prince Charming, but now he has nothing but hatred and disdain in his every expression?
How Does a Relationship Fall Apart?
Breakups typically will end with a good bit of discord. Emotions running rampant usually are to blame for much of the damage. It is rare that a boyfriend and girlfriend will just amiably part ways, wishing each other the best.
But when your guy launches into a tirade of angry barbs and accusations, declaring you as the worst girl he has ever laid eyes on, that can really be painful. Then when your boyfriend tells you he wants you “out of his life“, that is getting pretty bad.
That kind of talk is crushing to the spirit.
Being on the receiving end of an abusive tirade is pretty rough on the “relationship ego,” if you know what I mean.
So let’s say things have gotten a little crazy lately.
With all that has happened, you are convinced that your ex boyfriend must hate you.
He has conveyed this to you countless times over the last few days.
He called you a couple times and left you messages filled with sarcasm.
You knew he could get angry with how things came down, but you never realized he would become so demonstrably ugly and hateful in his outbursts.
The few text messages you have gotten over the past week from your ex boyfriend have all pretty much communicated the same thing.
Your ex is telling things like,
“I can’t even stand thinking about you”.
“You are nothing to me now”.
“I hope you are suffering as much as I am“.
So why is your ex behaving like this?
Why does he seem to have so much hate in his heart?
And what on earth could you have have done to strike such a nasty and spiteful reaction from your ex bf?
Why is Your Ex Boyfriend Being Such a Monster?
All these ugly things that your ex may be saying about you can be a blow to your self esteem.
It can cause you to question why you even got mixed up with him in the first place. It occurs to you that if he has so little regard for your feelings and is compelled to say the most monstrous things about you, maybe the whole relationship was a big mistake.
If I was to ever construct a list of the most mean spirited and vicious replies from an ex boyfriend, your guy with all of his venom would be among the top. It is as if your ex has assembled all of his angst, anger, resentment, and hostility into a big hate bomb and decided to drop it on you.
Of course, that can be a problem when ugly fights and breakups occur. Some guys become blind to the complexities of a mature relationship. Some may even think, you alone, are the cause of all his troubles, failing to recognize his own shortcomings.
We all know that breakups are rarely the fault of only one person or even one thing.
Yet, in this time and place, as you feel blown away by your ex boyfriend’s provocative outburst, you begin to wonder what on earth you may have done to justify such hatred.
You know deep inside your heart that he can’t really hate you like he says. Yet, it is hard to look past the litany of angry and ugly words he keeps casting your way. While your rationale mind knows he is trying to provoke you…get you to react to his absurd accusations, it still hurts a lot when your ex boyfriend seems to have nothing but contempt for you.
“Didn’t any of the good times we had together, count for something“, you ask yourself? Well, apparently not in your ex’s mind because his vicious attacks came pretty fast and furious after the breakup.
Ironically you were not even looking for the relationship to suddenly come to an end. It certainly was not something either of you had planned or foreseen.
Things in the relationship were moving along quite well.
Communications were pretty good.
The sex was good.
The fights that happened earlier, with a bit too much regularity, had subsided.
Conflict seldom got way out of hand and when the relationship pressure cooker sometimes turned too hot, you both did a decent job of cooling down and making up.
Your philosophy was “make up quickly and make out for a long time.”
Yet here you are, wondering how it all unraveled so quickly.
Now you are on the receiving end of his wrath and you want it to stop.
Breaking It All Down
He was your first really serious boyfriend and you were the first girl for which he had declared his love.
So in many ways, it was young love at the beginning. But after a year of dating, you believed a real attachment was forming.
But seemingly, out of nowhere, the end with your ex boyfriend just took on a life of its own.
Of course, in hindsight, you now regret telling your ex that you had a “little bit of a thing” with a former flame.
Looking back, that was the trigger. You think to yourself, it really wasn’t anything and should have never posed an emotional threat to your boyfriend. There was no sex involved. You only agreed to meet him at a park when you learned he was in town. The two of you did take a long walk to relive some of your shared past. But nothing really happened.
Of course, your boyfriend saw things completely differently and imposed his on spin on what “really happened”.
But nothing happened you keep telling yourself. Nevertheless, despite all your assurances that you were “his” and that you never entertained anything remotely “sexual” with your old ex boyfriend, he was not to be convinced.
It was stupid of you, looking back, to think that he would understand.
You had thought, “honesty was the best policy”.
So when he had simply asked you what your day was like, you told him the straight truth. Looking back, that is when your ex boyfriend’s anger fuse was lit. Hearing about you and some other guy walking around and reliving the good old days, was just too much for him to process.
Your guy had demonstrated before he was the jealous type. In fact, you had used a little jealousy on him before to arouse him. But you just didn’t properly weigh his potential to overreact to you simply connecting with an old friend.
That is when he unleashed all of his anger and vile, hateful accusations. You had never cheated on him and genuinely was committed to the relationship. But he was never very good at reading your mind. And in this case, his mind was racing with all kinds of nonsense.
You knew deep inside, he might be a little upset, but you didn’t want your relationship predicated on deceit. But you miscalculated his reaction. When your ex boyfriend started to unleash his spiteful claims about your lack of integrity and trustworthiness and outright accused you of “messing around“, you knew things were far out of hand. You pretty much zoned out when he started throwing around words like, “slut” and “tramp”.
It was those words, that you had never heard him utter, that made you aware that you ex bf was way out of control and the anger had taken over his better judgement.
Do You Wish You Could Turn Back The Clock With Your Ex Boyfriend
Now, of course, you wished you could turn back the clock.
While a good part of you was furious at him for his outlandish statements and behavior, another part of you really wanted him back. The breakup was kinda of mutual, though your ex boyfriend was the catalyst to it all. You were just being “you” and nothing about your behavior or intentions was wrong. That was clear in your mind. But of course, you ex bf saw none of that and in your view had a contorted sense of reality.
There really was nothing else you could say to him to explain things better. You had tried to reinforce, many times, that the little rendezvous you had with your old flame was nothing more than just being socially friendly.
You thought, “How much more frustrating can a breakup be if I did nothing wrong?”
Your current ex boyfriend was a great guy. But now everything was fouled up. And you didn’t know where to turn to get the relationship back on track. Your ex’s wild outburst upon learning of your excursion with another ex, had convinced you that he may have really meant it when he told you that he “never wanted to lay eyes on you again“.
So here you find yourself again, lying in bed, with your heart starting to race and pound in your chest with another one of those mini panic attacks. You think to yourself, “He may actually mean it this time. It may all be over. I may never see him again.” You start feeling sad again when you reflect on those many good times you had with your lover.
So, you ask yourself for the hundredth time, “Is it really over. Could he possibly no longer be in love with me”?
You reflect, “Could it it be over just because of an utterly, stupid misunderstanding”?
These were the questions my client asked me as she mulled over what she could do and whether the relationship with her ex was doomed forever.
Your Ex Boyfriend Doesn’t Really Hate and Despise You.
As it turned out, my client was pretty motivated to get back on speaking terms.
She desperately wanted to know what on earth she could do to turn the whole thing around? She wanted to know, “How can you get my ex bf to stop thinking about me in such a hateful way?
She wanted to explore, “What can be done to make him see me again as the girl he truly loves and adores“?
Here is the good news.
It turns out, when we are dealing with the psychologically behind the feelings of hate and love, the two are not that far apart.
Think of a coin. Hate is one side. Love is on the opposite side. These two forces are diametrically opposed to each other. The feelings and forces behind these two emotions could not be more different. It seems there exists a great gulf between a boyfriend exhibiting hate for you versus him showing that he loves you.
But you might be surprised that it sometimes doesn’t take much to flip those feelings, particularly if you have a previous connection with each. If your background with each other has been relatively positive, then love will eventually win out over hate. If you have shared many loving and fulfilling experiences together as a couple, then your opportunity to flip anger and hateful feelings back over to love is high.
Think of hate as a temporary emotion.
It’s life span is usually not very long. Of course, the hate or anger that an ex boyfriend can feel toward his former girlfriend can be powerful. It can burn bright. But like a shooting star, hateful feelings and mean thoughts almost always phase out.
With time, the ugly nature that can rise up out of us can dissipate, particular if we are already invested in the person through common and meaningful experiences.
On the other hand, love is an enduring feeling. It has a spiritual, emotional, and biological connection. It is driven by positive experiences and attachment. Love arises from the many things you do well together as a couple. Love is uplifted by the natural chemicals released in your brain when you are in each other’s presence and when you hug each other or make love with each other.
So of the two sides of the coin, love more frequently trumps the darker side of our being. Flip the coin multiple times, it will more often land on love.
That is the way of love and hate and relationships.
So the dilemma for this young woman of my story above is to learn how to help her ex boyfriend most flip his coin such that it lands on love. Or in this case, a return to the loving bond which use to exist between the couple before they parted.
How Can You Change Your Ex Boyfriends Attitude About You
The story I shared was taken from a woman (Amy) who reached out to me a few days ago. She was still smarting from her sudden and disastrous breakup with her boyfriend. When we first began talking about her situation, I explained to her that it could take some time to help her ex boyfriend flip over from the hateful feelings he was expressing, to a place where his feelings morphed back to where they use to be.
I explained to her she is not the first client to come to me with such a story. I told her there are many types of breakups and in many of them, the emergence of anger and resentment is not unusual. While her situation involved a very upset, almost out of control boyfriend who seemed unaccustomed to dealing with complex social relationship experiences, I was optimistic.
I reinforced that there was indeed hope because based on her description, their relationship up to the point of the breakup was relatively successful. It seemed to me that her ex bf was emotionally charged for a reason. Whether it was due to a form of attachment insecurity or an excessive control issue, he seemed to go way overboard with his reaction.
But this is the way of emotions, right? When emotions run high, all semblance of good reason seems to just vanish. Knowing this, will help you. I will talk about this more in a minute.
You see, when an ex boyfriend takes a plunge into the deep end of the cease pool of, “let’s see how much I can make my ex girlfriend suffer and agonize over her transgressions,“, then you know you have struck a raw nerve. While it may sound a little crazy to you, just know when your boyfriend overreacts with such passion, the positive thing you can derive from his reaction is that he deeply cares about you, otherwise he would not have such an adverse reaction.
You won’t feel outraged about something, unless you are deeply invested. Now I don’t recommend you rush out there and do something to really piss off your lover in order to gauge if they care enough about you to go bat [email protected] crazy!
But trust me, if your boyfriend really cares for you deeply, he will on occasion go a little mad. Jealousy can bring that out. And that seemed to be at play to some degree with Amy’s situation.
The most important thing you can do is give him space and time. Those two things, which we will talk about later, can have a powerful effect on his psyche.
The Dynamics of Love & Hate
Let’s call it the Love/Hate Principle. It usually applies in situations in which there is another “perceived” challenge or rival to your boyfriend’s love and affections.
If your ex responds to your reaction to another’s perceived rival’s affection by expressing outrage and is beside himself with anger, to the extent that his behavior is awful and ugly, then you can be assured he must really, really feel close to you. Otherwise, his reaction would be more tempered.
So never give up hope if you feel the sting of anger and mean spiritedness.
Remember, he does not really hate you. The things he is saying comes from a place of anger.
If you carefully play your cards, you can facilitate the process of your lover learning just how “stupid” he is behaving. This is where my principle of “less is more” pays dividends. The less you do or say or do things to provoke him, the more you deposit into his bank of trust.
Don’t go running back, asking for forgiveness. Your likely to get another dose of his wrath. Don’t answer his ugly behavior with your own unpleasant counter attack.
In Amy’s case, it was a one time social outing she had with an old ex flame. These kind of situations are not that rare. There have been other cases I have dealt with involving equally chaotic relationship breakdowns.
There was the girl who needed advice on how to deal with a overly sensitive boyfriend who got himself all riled up when she flirted with a few too many guys. It was nothing really, but his insecurity led to some fretful days for her. She admitted she angry at him and struck back by flirting even more.
Predictably, their relationship unraveled as the tempers flared one too many times.
There was also a case I worked on the other day in which a young woman who emailed me with a frantic and shocking story of her ex bf going bananas over her wanting to hold off on sex. Her upbringing led her to embrace an old fashioned approach to premarital sex and so she simply wanted to wait for marriage.
But her insensitive boyfriend kind of freaked. He turned out be loaded with what I call the Jerk Complex. At least as it applied to this situation. And being independent minded, she gave him an ultimatum (usually not a smart thing to do) about ending the relationship. So he did by telling her that her attitude was a “relationship breaker”.
Using Time and No Contact To Your Advantage
Don’t we say the most stupid of things when were are upset?
But what I tell my clients is that it is not so much the words that matter, but actions and intentions.
There was something all of these ladies shared in common, including Amy, namely they all enjoyed a relatively solid relationship history with their boyfriends. None of them had been rocked by an on and off again pattern of breakups. Rather, the women were well adjusted and pragmatic about their life and their futures. None of them were begging and crying for a way to fix the relationship with their ex. And in each of these cases, the men in question seemed to be behaving outside of their normal history. It was as if certain events and circumstances aligned just right to cause them to melt down.
In no way am I excusing their behavior.
And nor should their girlfriends. I told each of my clients that if the relationship recovers, as I expect it would, there would be a need for some go backs. Meaning, the couple would need to sit down and understand exactly what happened, why it happened, and how to prevent that kind of behavior from occurring again.
So the question I had for all of these ladies was whether they were prepared to adopt the No Contact Rule. I explained how it worked to each of them in great detail and emphasized that the odds were in their favor given their history and how the breakups unfolded.
I suggested they adopt a 21 day No Contact Period. They could modify the period if their ex boyfriend demonstrated genuine remorse for their overreaction to the situation. And I went over all of the exceptions and advantages and disadvantages of not completing the entire no contact period.
I explained that by giving each other space, not only will time away from communicating and seeing each other foster the necessary healing, but it would also serve as a catalyst to their ex, helping him realize he is missing out on being with the one he truly loves.
One thing most women, who are bouncing off a recent breakup, badly need is time to clear their own thoughts and get more in touch with their feelings. But in these particular situations, the guys probably need it even more. They need time alone to calm down and eventually realize the foolishness of their behavior.
It may go against everything you are feeling, but time away from your partner in love will be beneficial. For your boyfriend to flip from saying he hates and despises you to reach a place where he realizes he has allowed his emotions to run away is not going to happen overnight.
Making Sure Your Ex Sees You as a Real Catch!
Flipping your ex is also about using the Principle of Projection that I talk about here on my website.
While you are carrying out the No Contact Rule, you want to exhibit the kind of attitude that you “have it all together“, even if you don’t quite feel that way. Mind you, I want you to work on become a better version of “you” and to do that you need to focus on improving your emotional and spiritual health.
Get out and engage in life, meeting new friends and traveling to new places. You want to project the image of someone who is beautiful, emotionally well adjusted, and thrilled to be enjoying life. The best way to do that, is to become that person.
Project a winning and positive image. Become the Ungettable Girl.
And while doing all these things and more, be aware that your ex will likely take notice. You can always do a few things to ensure that he notices.
The personal power in the post breakup period will switch to you. Your ex will be reminded of how important you are to his world.
Sometimes we miss things more, when it is taken away. That is the position you want your ex to be in. You don’t want him just missing you, but also realizing that there is a kind of a “New You” out there and this “New You” doesn’t seem to need him.
That is what you are projecting and that is going to help him flip back to you.
It is uncanny how often an ex can re-gear his whole attitude about how he thinks of you, if only you create some space and project independence, energy and success.