If you’ve spent any time perusing our articles, you’ve read some of my articles on here . If not, you probably know that I have some odd hobbies, like cycling and watching Doctor Who.
Yes. Yes. I know I’m a nerd. I’m okay with that.
It’s no secret that Chris likes Buffy and Tennis.
We’ve all got our thing.
But Doctor Who doesn’t take any training unless you decide to marathon all 50 years of it at once… then you might need a little training in the art of couch surfing.
Now, here’s an interesting question. Have any of you ever taken up “Road Cycling?”
Well, road cycling takes a lot more effort than I originally expected. I jumped in expecting it to be just like riding a bike… easy.
It wasn’t.
Firstly, to ride with the group I had to have headlights, taillights, a helmet, and I can’t tell you how many times someone told me to get clip in pedals. It became a VERY expensive hobby very quickly.
After I made more than a few purchases, I still jumped in WAY too fast and WAY too soon. I went out with some friends who were WAY more experienced than I was. I dropped back and fell behind. My chest felt like my lungs were on fire and there was a stitch in my ribs that made it feel like someone was stabbing me.
It took months and months of training to even remotely keep up with the group. Luckily I have very patient friends. I was SO proud of my progress.
Then winter came, and my brakes on my bike were going out. I laid off my training for a bit till I could get my brakes fixed. Let’s just say that it took a lot longer than expected. So, I was out of the game for a while.
Needless to say, after I finally got my brakes checked, I got back out there and… disappointed myself. I could not keep up with the rest of the group at all heck I couldn’t even keep up with myself when I started the first time.
Keeping up a regular training program is important if you want to make progress. Letting it slide can leave you having to start all over again like I did with the cycling.
Your mind needs training just line any other part of your body. In order to keep it up to par. And with the proper attention, it has the power to do unimaginable things.
However, right now, you are functioning with faulty brakes so to speak, distracted by something that makes it feel like your life is almost passing you by. This happens when you cannot maintain control over your thoughts. Trust me, I have been in those shoes more times than I can count.
You spend every second of the day analyzing and over-analyzing your ex’s actions. I am guessing that you have probably been mulling it over since your relationship hit the rocks. That’s understandable, and it it isn’t just you. We all find ourselves feeling that way at some point, often when we are laying in our beds at night staring at the ceiling and just imagining every possibility.
This obsessive thinking is part of the process everyone goes through after a breakup. It has a tendency to go on and on if you don’t figure out some way to get off that not-so-merry-go- round. The only way to do this is to come up with some semblance of understanding for the situation and at the same time, maybe a little peace.
So, let’s explore the possibilities. And be sure to remember that just because it’s possible doesn’t mean it’s true. But exploring all of the possibilities outside of the horrible ones that your mind is throwing at you can help see some reason and maybe let go of some of the more ludicrous ideas.
Exploring the Possibilities
Your exboyfriend could have any number of reasons for avoiding you. Some of them make sense. Some of them will make absolutely no sense at all.
The idea here isn’t to figure it out and change his mind or try to fix it. The goal is to garner some understanding as to why so you can go back to living your life without stopping every five seconds to wonder,
“why me?”
The “Let’s Stay Friends” Quick Exit
Most of the time during the actual breakup the idea of spending your lives apart hits hard and heavy. And one of you, or both of you, suggests that you stay in each other’s life as a friend. That’s completely normal. Although, if you are the one that took the “friend” clause to be a promise to stay connected even though your relationship has come to an end, then we can assume that the breakup was tough on both of you. And he probably wanted out of an extremely uncomfortable situation that generally tends to get drawn out.
For most people, breakups aren’t meant to lead to long lasting friendships.
Yes, I know it hurts to even think about life without him at this point. And it hurts even more to think that he could even consider life without you.
You might find this situation familiar. Stick with me till the end. All is not lost.
He’s Not Feeling It Anymore
Friends grow apart. Chasms grow within families. And couples fall out of love.
None of these things happen on purpose.
They happen because we grow as people, a process that you cannot control.
Over time you grow into different people. He will no longer be the guy you met at the beginning and you have grown into someone new as well.
This one is something I struggled with personally.
I dated a guy last year for about 6 months. He was great on paper and supposedly he let me in. I suspect if we had never dated, we would have made great friends.
But the thing was, he never cared for me in any spectacular way. I think he wanted to at first, but he didn’t and I can be honest and say that my life wouldn’t be what it is now if things had gone differently with him.
Growth apart isn’t something you can change or take back. However, it is something you can choose the direction of.
Like I said before, though, stick with me till the end here. It’s not all bad news. Just be patient, we’ll get there.
He’s Seeing Someone Else
If he moved on from your relationship, then it is likely that he will want a clean break. That would explain why he’s giving you the cold shoulder.
In my case, the ex I was telling you about earlier was already talking to someone new when we split. And despite being a huge jerk to me when he and I split, I actually believe that he cared about her. That’s why I wasn’t completely ticked off when he cut me out of his life. I understood that he was doing one of two things.
Either he was trying to show her respect, in which case I was happy that she could bring that out in him. Or he was afraid I would tell her all of his shortcomings, which I’m sure she’ll discover on her own if he continues to be that person.
If this is your situation, then I understand your singular pain.
You know that suction-y thing that the dentist sticks in your after the whole scrub, scrape, rinse cycle?
Watching someone you care for be in a relationship with someone else and worse be happy with them, feels just like some horrible person is suctioning away pieces of your heart. It leaves you feeling empty and alone.
The upside here is that cutting you off is almost them doing you a favor. They saved you the agony. That is if you can avoid stalking either of them on social media.
There are ways to deal in this sort of situation too. We’ll cover that too.
Hurt Feelings
If you were the one to break things off, or maybe he changed his mind after he broke things off and you weren’t ready yet, then it’s possible his feelings are a little raw at the moment. There’s nothing like the sting of rejection to make you value a little distance between you and the person who supposedly rejected you.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with painful experiences. It is most common to put as much distance as they can between them and the source of the pain… that would be you, if you hadn’t guessed
When you accidentally touch something hot don’t you recoil from the pain?
I’m not saying you did anything to hurt him on purpose, but, as I am sure you are aware, men’s egos can be fragile.
If his feelings are hurt, there is one other reason he could be keeping you at a distance… to cause you pain. Only you can know if he’s the vindictive type. It’s more likely for someone to think of their own feelings before considering anyone else’s.
If this is the situation you are facing then just keep reading.
He Still Cares
Whether he broke up with you or you broke up with him, feelings don’t just disappear into thin air. But giving himself space to extinguish them, even a little, makes it easier to move forward with life. Since you found your way here to this site, I am guessing that you would rather he realize that you are everything he’s ever wanted and come running back to you. Am I right?
If you broke up with him, then it is likely that him pushing you away is his way of protecting him from reinvesting only for you to hurt him again. I talk to a lot of women who tell me, “I only broke up with him to teach him a lesson. Now I can’t get him to come back.”
I understand why people do this, but it doesn’t make any sense to me. The general thought process is understandable. I mean, when kids act up a parent takes their toy away for a period of time. It’s a way to teach them to value something while they have it. But relationships are not toys and you can’t just confiscate it and return it on a whim. These are someone else’s emotions you are dealing with and you cannot control how they react to them being treated like something to be played with.
You can take away a kid’s Gameboy after smarting off and he will learn not to talk back.
You can not take away your love and expect a man to learn to appreciate you more. He will only learn that your love is temporary. That’s how all of those emotional walls get built.
Love is not a bargaining chip. The sooner you learn that the sooner you improve your chances of getting him back.
Suffocation
If you’ve read some of our other articles, you are familiar with the term “gnatting.” Gnatting is basically hardcore pestering your ex to stay in contact or get back together. Basically, you smothered him trying to keep the connection you had alive and now he is creating as much space between you as possible to catch his breath.
I get it. Right now you feel like you are losing your grip on something that matters to you very much and your instincts are telling you to hold on for dear life. When you go out and have a few drinks with the girls, you inevitably end up leaving him voicemails and texts at 2 in the morning trying to remind him about the times you were happy together. Why?
Well, that is what is prevalent in your mind. Why shouldn’t it be on his?
You only broke up two days ago, but you have this intense feeling that he’s already wiped his memory of you.
It’s up to you to remind him! Right?
Wrong!
I don’t care what you’ve done so far… just stop. Stop trying to contact him. Don’t post the sappy lyrics from the song that was your song on social media to try and catch his attention. And for heaven’s sake, turn your phone off or give it to a trusted friend if you know you are going to be drinking!
The Action Plan
Alright, so far we have covered what he could be feeling and why he might need a little space. Let’s talk about what you CAN do… because right about now I’m sure you are feeling a little helpless.
Well, first things first, in regards to contacting him… QUIT IT!
This is not a game of tag. He didn’t poke you and run away screaming, “CATCH ME IF YOU CAN!”
He is putting distance between you and if you push to bridge the gap too soon, you will end up with a wall befitting China and possibly a moat… maybe even crocodiles.
If you want him to come running back to you, you want the least obstacles in the way as possible.
Right?
So, back off and let him do his own thing.
I have six words for you.
No Contact! No Contact! No Contact!
Okay so it’s two words repeated three times, but that’s how important it is.
The reason No Contact is so important isn’t what you would expect. I mean, yes it is partially that the time apart will make him miss what you had. But it is more so that it gives you time to change your focus from him to you.
Using the 21, 30, or 45 days that you are in No Contact to benefit you rather than jumping up and down begging for his attention and causing him to tuck tail and run is the ONLY way to make this work. Yes, there are a few other parts to it, but the main goal is to basically spot check your life for any areas that you’ve neglected and then work towards turning your life into one you would enjoy living even if he never came back.
A sad notion I know, but when he starts to wonder why you aren’t chasing him (and he definitely will. The ALL do.) He will take a look at the life you’ve built and wonder if maybe he made a huge mistake letting you go and an even bigger mistake by pushing you away.
This peaks his interest and causes him to dance around the perimeter of this new life you have built.
The best part?
It puts you in control over when and how you let him come back. That is unless you realize you deserve better, which is totally what happened to me. But I digress.
The Do’s and Don’t’s For Every Situation
DO maintain No Contact. If you haven’t started yet… here is where I would start “No Contact 2.0”
DO be friendly if you run into each other. (no I don’t mean the “I can’t believe I ran into you at your favorite coffee shop even though I’ve been sitting here for 6 hours every day for a week.” Type of run-ins.)
DO shift your focus. If he’s not feeling it, then you most like fell into a rut or a routine. At the beginning of relationships, we talk about dreams and goals for the future. Falling into a rut means you let those dreams and goals slide to the back burner. This is usually why so many people say that they don’t feel a “spark” anymore.
DO look at the person you were at the beginning of the relationship. If it was a long relationship, it’s possible that you two simply grew up and grew apart. Re-establishing goals and a life of your own should be enough to peak his interests.
DON’T give in to the temptation to try and fake a new life. If you want something that lasts from him, you have to build something that lasts for yourself.
DON’T try and broadcast the improvements you make. I assure you, he will find them. Everybody, and I mean everybody (even happily married people), looks up their exes to see how their life played out eventually. My ex of almost two years still checks my Snapchat almost weekly even though he has been with someone new almost that long. No one escapes the “what could have been,” even the jerks.
DON’T try to force a friendship to happen even if you promised to stay friends. Most people’s gut instinct is to continue being in each other’s life as if nothing ever happened. But something did happen and, if you don’t respect the boundaries of No Contact and this new friendship, you will lose him for good. The best course of action is to take some time and get through No Contact. If he asked where you disappeared to when you finally reach out, just tell him you were taking a little time to focus on what you wanted out of life. And maintain the emotional distance of a friend. When he’s ready, he’ll bridge the gap.
DON’T be the one to bring up the relationship one you reestablish contact. If he needed space, chance are that he’ll need time to ease into it too. Don’t rush things.
