Have you ever wondered what your ex means when they say,

“I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

Well, it turns out that one of my clients was wondering the same thing when she started The Ex Boyfriend Recovery Program.

After a few months she found some incredible success and then just a few weeks ago he asked for her back.

She was kind enough to come onto my Podcast and have me pick apart her situation.

Specifically, what was going through her exes head when he said the patented phrase,

I love you but I’m not in love with you.

His answer was actually pretty interesting.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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My Interview With Becca Who Got Her Ex Back

Chris:
Okay. So today, we’re going to be talking to Becca, who is one of the more interesting situations we’ve had. She’s actually went through the program and has successfully gotten her ex back. And I’m actually coming into this blind so that I can sort of come at it from a listener’s point of view. But how are you doing, Becca?

Becca:
I’m doing great. How about you, Chris?

Chris:
I’m hanging in there. Crazy times, what they are.

Becca:
Oh yeah.

Chris:
So I guess, let’s just hand the mic to you and you tell us, how did you find the group? How did you find the program? And just take me from how did your situation start?

Becca:
Okay, yeah. So, start to finish, we’ve been in a long distance relationship for the past three and a half years. Out of the three and a half years, three of them have been the long distance part, since I did go to graduate school in a different state in the middle of the country, because we’re both from the West Coast, and I went in the middle of the country. I actually chose to do my last year of rotations back on the West Coast so we can live together, to kind of delay this long distance and everything. And he got a promotion with his work where he was moving to the East Coast.

Chris:
So, you plan everything to go meet up on the West Coast, and then he’s , “Nope, got to go over here.”

Becca:
Yup. Yeah. Whipping coasts over here. Yeah. So, he ended up getting a promotion with his job that required him to move to the East Coast. And I was very supportive of all of it, but with this promotion came a ton of extra responsibilities. So, during this time, he’s been swamped with work, moving across country, leaving his family. And so, the stress kind of got to him as well as me, kind of. This was at the beginning of the pandemic, and so I thought that I would go in quarantine with him, since my school was switching to an online format. And so, at the beginning of the pandemic, I chose to quarantine with him for, it was supposed to just be two weeks. And that’s when all the stress got to him with work and everything because everything was being switched to an online format for him as well. And he needs to travel for his job.

Becca:
So, he was very stressed on everything, and it ended up coming to, he broke up with me because, one, he was stressed out with his job. Two, he was pretty much just saying that it was honestly the stress, but also the long distance was getting to him. But I also feel just the relationship was just one thing he could control. And the fact that he couldn’t control his workload with his job position and everything. And so, I thought that if I quarantined with him for a longer period than two weeks, then he’ll regret this whole, “Oh, we’re going to break up everything.” Because pretty much, he told me that he just needs space. He told me, he’s , “I need space to find myself. You need to work on yourself. I need to work on myself. I need a month, Just leave me alone for a month.”

Becca:
And so, my quarantine with him was supposed to be two weeks. I extended it to a month because I thought that maybe if I just quarantine with him and I’m just on top of him all the time that he would want to stick with me. That was not the case at all that entire time, at all. That entire time we were team we were quarantined, we were pretty much fighting the whole time. And he was telling me stuff –

Chris:
So, not the no contact rule.

Becca:
No.

Chris:
The opposite of. Okay All right.

Becca:
Opposite. Yeah. So, pretty much during that time that I was there, he was telling stuff to me , “You used to make me happy. I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore. I care about you so much. I’ll always be there for you. But I want to just focus life on myself and do my own thing.” And so, I had to leave his house a month afterwards because I was actually starting my rotations on the West Coast that following week. So, I ended up moving across country and everything. But when he was kind of breaking up with me and everything, I ended up writing a six-page letter just full of emotions and everything. And I ended up giving it to him before I left. And on my flight over from the East Coast to the West Coast is actually how I found your program. I was just a hot ness in the plane. I was just Googling everything I could and whatnot.

Becca:
And so, the first week I want to say I started no contact at the beginning of April, first week of April. And I broke no contact probably two or three times in the first week, and yeah.

Chris:
Okay. Pretty common, pretty common. When I studied this, 80% of people who try the no contact rule break it the first time. So, pretty normal.

Becca:
Oh yeah. And then I was reading your statistics on your page. The efficacy of it starts getting less and less the more times you break it. [crosstalk 00:05:18]

Chris:
Finally, someone who pays attention. People just don’t get that, I guess. It’s common sense. But I’m glad to see that you took it seriously.

Becca:
Oh yeah. Well, after I broke it the first time, I took it more seriously.

Chris:
Yeah. You have to kind of make the mistake first.

Becca:
I mean, you learn from your mistakes. That’s just how life works.

Chris:
True.

Becca:
Yeah. So, I ended up that one month-

Chris:
Oh, so you did a 30-day no contact rule.

Becca:
Yeah. So, according to your plan when I bought it and everything, I did the calculations, and I was only for a 30-day, since there was no other woman involved and whatnot. So, yeah. But I mean, I kept telling myself, I was , you know what, as much as I want to contact him, he also told me, just leave me alone for a month. And I’m , you know what? I’m going to do exactly what he wants. You know what? I’m going to take his wishes. I’m going to grant them for him. So, during the first week of no contact, he was texting me probably every other day. I got a few phone calls. And he was pretty much just making up excuses to contact me, , “Oh, did you change your Netflix password?” “No, I didn’t change anything.” Just any random excuse. And it came to the point where I just didn’t reply back to anything. He was viewing all of my Instagram stories, liking all of my posts on Instagram, and just following my social media. And I can tell too.

Becca:
So, during that month, that no contact was probably the best thing I’ve ever done in my life post breakup. The reason for that is I focused on my trinity completely. Wealth, relationships, and health, everything. I ended up working out every day because that’s what made me happy. I’m kicking butt in my rotations right now. I’m highly considering a residency at this point because of how great I’m doing and how much I love it. And I’ve been hanging out with, well, not hanging out, Zoom sessioning with my friends and family, which is really nice.

Becca:
But during this one month, I’ve always been scared of my own shadow. And I don’t know, I’m very self conscious about everything. And my self-esteem wasn’t that high during this no contact and me just working on myself, focusing on myself. I would come home from the hospital every single day, and I would just sit in my backyard. I’m like, I’m so happy with my life right now. It came to that point, and I was not expecting that. It just came out of nowhere, literally nowhere. And even when our song would play, I wouldn’t cry or anything.

Chris:
So, what’s your song? What’s your song?

Becca:
Oh my God. Give me a second. I have it.

Chris:
I’m just trying of, when I met Jennifer, something from One Republic.

Becca:
Oh!

Chris:
Something. It wasn’t “Apologize.” It was something else. “Counting Stars” or something like that.

Becca:
That’s a good song. Yeah. So, ours is called “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetics. It’s really good.

Chris:
Well, so if you’re listening and you want to hear, look up that song, and there you go, good breakup song.

Becca:
It’s really good because that was our song, throughout our entire relationship. And at the beginning of no contact, every time that song would come on, I would just skip. I can’t listen to this. But in the middle of no contact, I started getting the strength and everything, I want to say around maybe two and a half to three weeks of no contact. That’s when I just like, feeling great.

Chris:
From 20-ish days, 14 to 20 days, you started of feeling like you’re hitting a groove.

Becca:
Yeah. And it was just really nice because I just have never felt so confident before. And I was getting positive reassurance from my coworkers and my preceptors. And then I’m known at the hospital now as the very pretty pharmacy student. So that boosted my confidence exponentially.

Chris:
Yeah, that’s good.

Becca:
But yeah, so I ended up telling my battle buddy, when I was about to break 30 days no contact, I told her straight up, I was like, “You know what? As much as it would suck to not get him back, I know that I will still be happy if I don’t get a positive response or if I don’t get them back at all. I have a bright future. I’m very competent in myself. And I know the future is bright.” And so, ended up breaking no contact, and it was a really, really good back and forth.

Chris:
So, do you remember the exact text message you used, or did you call him? How was the first interaction going?

Becca:
Let me see. So, what ended up happening is I ended up going back and forth with my battle buddy. She’s a planner, so she likes to plan out her texts a few days in advance. I’m very sporadic. So I honestly did mine five minutes before I sent it out.

Chris:
In the moment. That’s what we call that. You’re in the moment.

Becca:
Yeah. Oh, this is what my first text was. He makes this really good chicken recipe to marinate chicken and everything. And he knows I don’t like chicken. So I pretty much just asked him what the recipe was and everything. And he played along with it and everything. And it was a really good conversation back and forth. The second conversation I brought up, I was asking him about workouts, because I’m planning on doing a 17-mile round trip to Half Dome in Yosemite at the end of August. And so, I just needed recommendations for back workout advices. Um, so that was my second-

Chris:
Something that you would have no knowledge on, but he would have a ton of knowledge on.

Becca:
Exactly. Yeah, exactly. And then I waited three days to send my second reach out after I sent my first one. And after my second reach out, he texted me first every day for four days afterwards.

Chris:
Wow. That’s great results.

Becca:
Yeah.

Chris:
Yeah, I’m working with a client right now who’s having a really interesting problem where she’s texting her but not getting responses. But when she calls him, the phone calls go really well. So, it just goes to show you every single situation is unique to whatever their environment is. I’m guessing that your relationship was grounded in text messages a lot.

Becca:
Mm-hmm (affirmative). Actually through Snapchat.

Chris:
Okay.

Becca:
Yeah. And a big thing too was during no contact, I actually deleted my Snapchat.

Chris:
Wow. Okay. But you still kept your Instagram, so you were doing the Instagram stories and everything like that. So, he was still spying on you.

Becca:
Yeah. Because he’s very active on Instagram and Snapchat, but our main form of communication was actually Snapchat, through the messaging thing.

Chris:
So, if you don’t mind me asking, what was the rationale behind deleting the Snapchat? Was that just a purely emotional decision, or did you feel like that was going to help you in some way, shape, or form?

Becca:
I felt like that was going to help me because I know that our main form of communication was Snapchat. So I felt like if I deleted it, then he would have to try another method to reach out to me, which he ended up doing, and hitting me up on Instagram messenger and then texting me and calling me. And when I re-downloaded my Snapchat after no contact, I had a bunch of missed messages from him.

Chris:
Okay. That’s a really interesting idea. I’m not sure. I’d love to see it work in mass scale to see what the results are, but it worked for you, so that’s good.

Becca:
Yeah. It was really well and everything, but yeah. So, I ended up reaching out to him On the second one, he replied back to me four days in a row afterwards. And then it was my birthday, and he originally planned a one week of vacation during my birthday time. But he planned this in January. But because of the-

Chris:
Was he going to come visit your or something?

Becca:
Yeah. So, his family lives on the West Coast too. So-

Chris:
Okay. So he was going to go visit the family, but see you. So, did he fly from-

Becca:
Yeah.

Chris:
Oh, so he did, did he tell you that he was doing this?

Becca:
Yeah. So he-

Chris:
How long had you been talking to get to that point?

Becca:
When I broke no contact to when he started doing this?

Chris:
Yes.

Becca:
About two and a half weeks.

Chris:
So, you reach out the first time, it goes really well. You reach out, you wait three days for the second time. What about the period from the second reach out to when he does this? Was it just back and forth all day long?

Becca:
I mean, I still did the UG time with 1.5 times the amount of minutes that they do and everything, but yeah. So I did my second reach out, and then he texted me back and forth. I wasn’t replying a lot throughout the day. It was probably between both of us maybe 10 messages max, because I’m very busy too. And I don’t want to look very desperate with replying back right when he does. So, if I saw it, I would put my phone away and I would just go walk around and do my job somewhere else.

Chris:
Just pacing in your office, back and forth. Is it time yet?

Becca:
No.

Chris:
No, no, no, I hear you. I got you. Can you hear me, Ashley?

Becca:
Yeah, I can hear you.

Chris:
Okay. All right. All right. Let’s just continue on nothing happened.

Becca:
Oh no. Yeah, you’re fine. I was like, oh, no. Yeah, so I did my second reach out. He replied back four days back and forth. And that was a week before he was planning on coming out. So actually, when did he come out He came out last weekend. Okay. So, he actually came out on the 21st of May. So, he came out on the 21st, but he contacted me that Monday the 18th. And he was like, “Oh yeah, just letting you know, I’m actually still doing my vacation. I do it for your birthday every year. I’m coming for your birthday week,” blah, blah, blah. And I was like, “Oh, I didn’t even think about interaction,” because that’s jumping the value chain.

Becca:
And so I was like, okay, kind of skeptical about it. But I thought, you know what? I kind of went with my gut on this mostly because he doesn’t come to visit the West Coast often. And he was like, “I would love to see you,” all this stuff. And he was planning out a camping trip, and he was planning on a camping trip that week coming into visiting me in California. And what he ended up doing is while he was on his camping trip, he kept texting me, “I miss you. I wish you were here,” all this stuff. “I can’t wait to see you this weekend.” I went with my gut and I ended up, when he asked me to come and visit him for the weekend, I was like, “I’ll come down for one day.” Plus I’m really close to his family too.

Becca:
So, it was a little awkward seeing him because I didn’t really know how to react because we weren’t together. We’re completely broken up. I didn’t know how to react when I saw him. And I was talking to my battle buddy about this. I was like, “What if he tries to kiss me?” And she was like, “Give him your cheek.” I was like, “Or I’ll give them my forehead. Would that be weird?”

Chris:
Yeah. I would do the cheek thing. But so, did he even try to kiss you at all?

Becca:
No. He did go in for-

Chris:
The hug?

Becca:
… an extended long hug.

Chris:
Okay. All right. Yeah, that’s the safe way to do it. Because I’m sure you’ve asked him by now, but he’s probably just as nervous as you when he saw you, you know?

Becca:
Yeah.

Chris:
So, how did the interaction go? And I’m assuming, it looks like from your previous relationship before this breakup occurred, you must’ve dated for a long time if you’ve known his family really well.

Becca:
Yeah. So, we’ve been together, we’re going on four years.

Chris:
Okay. So, it’s been a long time to really get your roots in and try to know his family, if he’s got a sister or brother. And also, you kind of went into the hornet’s nest, right? You went to go visit him and his family.

Becca:
Yeah. It’s really funny because they call me their daughter. And then his sister calls me her sister-in-law, even when we were broken up. And I actually didn’t tell anyone about this breakup because I didn’t want a lot of feedback that I didn’t want to hear. So the only people that were aware that we were broken up was actually my battle buddy and his family. That’s it. And so, his family has been on my side 100% this whole time, and they really worked their magic with him. And it ended up coming to the point where our interaction when I came to visit them, it was really funny because his mom came up to me and she whispered in my ear. She’s like, “Don’t worry. Everything’s going to be okay.” And I was like, “I’m freaking out.”

Becca:
And she knew she can tell. And so, him and I, we went outside and we were just sitting on the porch and everything. He was like, “How’s everything going? How do you like your rotations?” And he told me that he could tell that there was something different about me. And I was like, “Oh, what is it?” He was like, “You just seem so confident and very happy. I was like, “I mean, I’m always happy, but what do you mean?” He’s like, “I don’t know. I think it’s this breakup. Are you happy that we broke up?” I was like, “No, Not at all. Not at all.” And then he asked the typical questions, like, “Are you dating anyone?”

Chris:
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Did you return in kind?

Becca:
What do you mean?

Chris:
When he says, “Hey, were you dating anyone?” Did you say, “Well, are you dating anyone?”

Becca:
I actually laughed. And I was like, “No, I’m just really focusing on myself right now.”

Chris:
Oh, I’m going to steal that. That’s a really good interaction. That’s a great response to it. You just laugh.

Becca:
Yeah. Yeah. I just laughed it off. And I was like, “I’m really just focusing on myself right now.” And I was like, “What about you?” And he’s like, “Yeah, actually, same thing.” He wasn’t dating anyone, and he was just focusing on himself. And didn’t tell me that he wanted me back until a few hours later after that interaction because we were just hanging out with his family having fun, did our Costco trip. Just fun stuff. And it was later in that night, we were just watching a movie and everything. And then he’s like, “I have to tell you something.” I was like, “What’s up?” He’s like, “I want you back.”

Becca:
And I kind of cried. I actually was in shock. I didn’t know. I didn’t know what to do. And I kind of cried. I was like, “Wait, are you serious?” He’s like, “Yeah.” I was like, “Honestly, you really broke my heart. I kind of have my guard up right now.” I was like, “Are you sure this is what you want?” He was like, “I 120% know that you are the one.” Yeah. And so, he’s like-

Chris:
That’s about as good as it gets.

Becca:
I know, right? And he was like, “I regret the breakup” and everything. And he’s like, “I love seeing how happy you are.” And he’s like, “I want your happiness to be in my life as well.”

Chris:
So, let me pause you right there. Let’s go back to what you said when the breakup occurred. What were some of the things that he had said? Did he say, “I need to move on,” or “I never loved you?” Do he see anything kind of like that at the beginning of the breakup?

Becca:
Yeah. So at the beginning of the breakup, he was telling me, he was like, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you anymore.”

Chris:
Okay, there’s one.

Becca:
Yeah. And now that we’re back together, he just won’t stop saying it. He says it all the time now.

Chris:
So I guess the reason I’m pointing that out is, I mean, it’s a universal problem. Men do this too, but so many women, when a guy says that to them, they take it at heart, and they don’t realize that that’s just how they’re feeling in the moment. And there’s often a lot of sort of a confluence events that creates them saying that that don’t necessarily mean it for good. This is just proof of that. I mean, look, it’s just kind of cool to see that trajectory. I mean, it’s as good as it gets, you know?

Becca:
Yeah. Because when he said that too, it just was like a dagger right through my heart right when he said that. And I was like, “How did this all change? What is this coming from?” And I kind of realize that men say a lot of stuff they don’t mean when they’re very mad and in the heat of the moment.

Chris:
Well, I think you can argue it’s just a human nature type thing.

Becca:
Yeah. Women do it too.

Chris:
Some people are just a little bit more disciplined about the things they say, but most people are just sort of, they’re a slave to their emotions, just like I am and just probably like you are in certain instances.

Becca:
Mm-hmm (affirmative).

Chris:
So, wow. I mean, what’s interesting is how fast it all happened once you saw him in person, which I think is just a testament to all of that sort of work that you don’t really think anyone’s going to notice. That’s sort of what I’m gathering here from you. Also, you’re one of the very first success stories I’ve interviewed ever since we relaunched, the Ex Recovery Program. It looks you bought in when it was sort of the membership site, right, I’m assuming? When you would have to-

Becca:
Yeah, I want to say this was in the beginning of March.

Chris:
Okay. So yeah. I mean, you literally just caught it right as I launched.

Becca:
Oh wow.

Chris:
I think I launched March 2nd or April 2nd or something. So, it must’ve been right away. And so, what we’re finding is, I’ve actually got another interview next week from someone who purchased right around the same time. So, it’s actually really cool to see you interacting and taking a lot of the stuff we’re saying really seriously. You know how you were saying, “Oh yeah, I didn’t know if it was okay to jump the value chain.” Well, one of the faults of the program in my opinion is the fact that it kind of creates this one size fits all situation, and not situations are like that.

Chris:
So for example, a long distance relationship, you sort of have to play a different game because a lot of it is just building the anticipation towards this one big meetup, and the meetup is supposed to be romantic. And you just kind of naturally gravitated towards that. I mean, you had to kind of go out of your way to actually go visit him at his parents’ house or his family’s house, but it worked really well. And it seems like it even caught you off guard when he did that. It seems like he must’ve been really thinking a lot about you when you were apart.

Becca:
Yeah. And what was awesome too is your program, it really sets up a solid foundation, but since I was in a long distance relationship, I had to be a little bit more flexible with it. But I still got the outcome that I was hoping for and whatnot.

Chris:
Yeah. That’s true. So, how are things now, now that you’ve gotten him back? And I will circle around and ask you more specific questions about what you think worked and what didn’t, but I want to just sort of, where do you guys stand now? It’s been quite a bit of time since May.

Becca:
I mean, it’s been a week since we’ve been back together.

Chris:
Oh, it’s been a week. Sorry, I got my timing messed up. Well, how are things in the week?

Becca:
I mean, things are really good. It’s just really awesome because another problem with our relationship was during the time that I was in school and he was working full time and everything, I would text them all the time and just call him and everything when I knew he was working. I don’t know. But now that I’m working too, and I’m busy, we both have the solid foundation that we are both busy, but we’re still gonna talk to each other throughout the day. But don’t expect a text in return. And it’s really nice because it still reminds me of when I first broke no contact and was starting with my texting phase. But it’s really good. And then he also calls me every night now and tells me how much he loves me and everything, and he’s so happy he has me back. So it’s really cute. But yeah, it’s really nice.

Chris:
Well, that’s really great. So, let’s talk about what you think worked versus what didn’t work, because one of the big assets I think of having an interview this is I get to actually ask you questions and get to the bottom of trying to make this more of an exact science, even though it’s going to always be an inexact science. So, when you look back at your experience, because you’ve gotten him back, what do you feel like was the most important things that you did that really helped you along the way?

Becca:
Definitely focusing on my trinity and sticking through with no contact.

Chris:
So, a lot of people who are listening to this have obviously not purchased the program. So, could you explain to them what you mean by the trinity?

Becca:
Yeah. So, the trinity, it’s really nice because you focus on your health. So, focusing on yourself and whatnot. I exercised every day, which is really nice. Focusing on your wealth. So, I mean, I just started my rotations. I’m about to graduate soon with my doctorate, and I’m just focusing on myself. So, for my wealth, and then looking into residency programs and investing in myself. And then health, wealth, and relationships. So, being away from my family and my friends and everything, I used this no contact time, instead of just sobbing away about my boyfriend and everything, I would just talk to them, but I never told any of them that we were broken up.

Chris:
When you were focusing on your relationships aspect, did you try to make any new friends, or did you just rely on the support? Because I saw you mentioned a bunch of times you had a battle buddy. Who would you say was the most beneficial aspect when it came to your relationships outside of your ex?

Becca:
So, outside of my ex, it was really nice, because every time I felt like I wanted to text him, I would text my battle buddy. She was there with me through thick and thin. And I’m there for her just as well. And we’re trying to get her ex back too. We’re working on this. I think she’s on text number four coming up. So, we’re working on this and everything. And she’s been there through me through it all. And I honestly don’t think I would have been able to survive no contact if I didn’t have her.

Chris:
So, that’s another interesting thing. To me, it looks like when I heard your situation, when you were explaining it, you really used your time during no contact extremely wisely. So, you focused on health, wealth, and relationships obviously, but was there anything else that maybe you did throughout this period of no contact that you felt made a big difference? Any kind of social media posts or anything that you worked on? I heard you mention you did some Instagram stories. What were some examples of Instagram stories that you did that caught your ex’s eye?

Becca:
So, him and I were very big hikers. We like to hike outside a lot and everything. So, during the no contact, I would do pictures of the surrounding areas of me on my hikes or me running, everything else. Also, I just moved to a different city to do my rotations and everything. And so, I took pictures of my backyard, and just different things that I was just doing on my own. And it’s really funny, because when I first broke no contact, I took a picture of the pretty sunset in my backyard and everything. And I did my exit. I was like, “Oh, I gotta go.” I think I said, “I have a workout class I have to do.” He’s like, “All right, have fun. Nice backyard, by the way.” I was like, “Okay.”

Chris:
So, are you saying that you sent him a text with a picture of the backyard, or-

Becca:
Oh no. That was on my Instagram story.

Chris:
Oh, so he just mentioned it out of the blue when you had broken the no contact. So, he was buying on you, obviously.

Becca:
Yup.

Chris:
Okay. So, when it came to texting him. So, to me, the hardest part for a lot of people is getting through no contact unscathed. And then it comes to the texting where you’re actually having to communicate with them. What do you feel like you did that made a difference? Because it seems like it went really, really well for you. So, was there any type of specific text message patterns that you used? I’m just trying to get to the bottom of what worked here.

Becca:
So, I know when the texting phase, you’re supposed to be more formal on your first few reach outs. I mean, besides professionally, I’m formal, but normally, I’m not that formal. So I played around a little bit with it. I used exclamation points. I said, “Ha ha ha.” And he was very playful with it too. So, it’s really hard to flirt via text, but you could tell that it was going back and forth with that. And every time I ended at the high point, he would try to continue the conversation more.

Chris:
Oh, that means you just ended it perfectly.

Becca:
Oh yeah.

Chris:
You just ended it perfectly.

Becca:
Yeah. And I would just not reply, and that was really hard.

Chris:
Yeah, I’m sure it was. But that’s an interesting caveat there. So you ended the conversation at the high point like I talk about a million times in videos, podcasts, and even in the program. Was he the one reaching out to you the next day?

Becca:
After the second reach out, yes.

Chris:
Okay. So from that point on, he was the one just consistently reaching out. And did you kind of do a really good job of extending the conversations? Every single conversation would get longer and longer? Or did it stay always in that 10 text message range that you were talking about?

Becca:
It progressively got longer and longer. And it wasn’t more so on my end. It was on his. He was being a lot more open about stuff. And I know we’re supposed to do the word count and everything and text ratios and whatnot. And his were three times the amount of what I was sending.

Chris:
Wow. That’s rare. Seriously, that’s super rare.

Becca:
He was sending paragraphs.

Chris:
Okay. So you know he’s really interested to hear what you’re up to and everything. But this is something that I’m seeing a lot lately, for whatever reason, and I think it’s maybe just spun on by the pandemic and the fact that everyone’s inside, and they can’t see their exes in person a lot of times. But did your ex ever try to bring up any kind of emotional topics? Did he try to get any kind of closure about the breakup or talk about the breakup directly? And if so, how did you handle those interactions at the beginning?

Becca:
Yeah. So at the beginning when I broke no contact, he did try to bring it up, because what ended up happening is, he uses my Spotify account. And I saw that he made a new playlist. And they were very heartbroken songs and everything. And I’m like-

Chris:
Almost indirectly trying to say, “I’m hurting over here,” you know?

Becca:
Yeah, exactly.

Chris:
That’s kind of funny. Okay.

Becca:
And then that’s when I broke no contact. I was bad. I was like, “I just listened to the song that you posted.” I was like, “I don’t understand how you’re heartbroken. You’re the one that broke my heart.” And he was telling me, he was like, “No, I’m heartbroken too. You don’t understand what I’m going through.” And yeah, it was just-

Chris:
Victim mentality always seems to… But when you get back in contact with him, did he even try to bring anything up like that at all, or did he keep it strictly formal like you were talking about?

Becca:
He kept it strictly formal. Honestly, we haven’t really talked much about the breakup. And I wanted it to go that way, because I told him, when he said he wanted me back, I was like, “I’m going to be honest with you. I don’t want our old relationship back. I want to improve on our weaknesses.”

Chris:
So, that’s a great mentality to have. But now that you’re back together, did you at least quiz him about what was going on in his head throughout the breakup, or did you just kind of think, leave well enough alone?

Becca:
I actually did ask him the other day. And I did.

Chris:
Tell us what insights you’ve gleaned from the male mind.

Becca:
So, I was like, “So what was going on in your head and everything?” Because another thing too was because since he did move across the country, another thing he told me too was he wants to make new friends without me and experience life on his own, blah blah blah. And I ended up asking him that. I was like, “All right, so what happened when we broke up? What changed and everything?” And he’s like, “Well, I did make some friends, but they all got the wrong impression, because I just wanted to be friends with them, but they all were trying to date me. And I told them straight up that I’m still in love with my ex-girlfriend. I was like, oh!

Chris:
Well, that’s nice. Did he say anything about besides just that, what he was thinking about what you were up to or any kind of struggles he was having not contacting you?

Becca:
Yeah, yeah. So, what he said was that during that 30-day no contact, he was convinced that I moved on and I wanted nothing to do with him, because he didn’t hear from me. And he said that every single day, he would go to bed thinking about what I was doing. What I did during the day, who I met, everything. Am I dating someone new, did I move on? But really, I didn’t move on. I just fell in love with myself.

Chris:
So, that’s interesting. Did he bring up anything about what he said about the breakup? You know how he said, “I’m in love with you, but I’m not in love with you?” I mean, what does that even mean? Did you even quiz him on what his mentality was when he actually said that? Because I’m just trying to think. A lot of people who are going to be listening to this are probably going to have their ex saying something similar to them. And if you can maybe get it from the horse’s mouth, it’ll make them feel a bit more comfortable about their situation.

Becca:
Yeah, absolutely. So, when he did tell me that, I thought he was 100% serious. And I actually recently asked him about it when he asked me to be his girlfriend again. I was like, “But I thought you weren’t in love with me.” I straight up said that. I was playing around, all jokingly and everything. And he was like, “I just said that because I was really stressed out.” He said, “Just being so stressed out with work, being away from family with this whole pandemic happening and everything,” he said he felt like he had more control when he was able to say that he wasn’t in love with me anymore. But he just said it because he was angry, and regretted saying it. He said he regretted saying it a week into me going into no contact and not hearing anything from me.

Chris:
Well, there needs to be a consequence for him treating you that way, right?

Becca:
Exactly.

Chris:
So, I guess it kind of worked. But what’s interesting is it just sort of validates what I always tell people. And sometimes, they just don’t want to believe me. But a lot of times, when people are highly emotional, they’re upset or they’re stressed out, they’re going to say things that they don’t mean. Sometimes they will mean them. But this is a case where definitely, he didn’t mean it. It just seems like all the stress factors just kind of imploded on him, and he just wanted to lash out. Like you said, you mentioned you thought the breakup was the one thing he had control over in his life, and he wanted to exert that control in some weird way that made him feel better. But ultimately, he just hurt himself.

Chris:
But what’s interesting is just hearing all of the things that you went through. And you know how you were mentioning, you said you fell in love with yourself. I think that’s a big key and a great way of putting it that a lot of people miss. Could you talk a bit about, because for me, I think the turning point for you, and this is just my opinion, but I’d love to hear your take on it. But for me, the turning point for you is when you get to that moment where you’re kind of like, you know what? If I don’t get him back, I’ll be okay. What did it take to get to that moment, and what did that moment mean for you?

Becca:
Yeah. That moment honestly meant everything to me, because that was the moment that I realized that, I mean, we’ve been together for almost four years now, and I haven’t been single in a while. And so, it was that moment where I was just really proud of myself with how far I’ve come, because I’ve always felt like I needed to be dependent on someone else, even though I’m extremely independent, which is crazy. But that moment was the turning point for me where my self-esteem, my confidence boosted and everything.

Becca:
And what I would do is at the beginning of no contact, when I was crying a lot and everything, I would actually cry in the mirror. I have this thing where I [inaudible 00:38:30].

Chris:
You cried in the mirror?

Becca:
Yeah, I cried in the mirror because it allowed me to just get everything out. But then I could tell myself, “You’re going to be okay.” And so, the first week, I was crying a lot. But I would cry in the mirror and everything. And I’m like, okay, have my breakdown and whatnot. And then week two happened, and that’s when I started telling myself, “You’re going to be okay. You have a bright future. Everything’s just lining up for you right now.” And then week three, that’s when I started telling myself, that’s also when I heard at the hospital that I’m the good-looking one and everything. And that was a huge confidence boost.

Chris:
Get a bit of confidence. That never hurts. Help you along a bit.

Becca:
Yeah. And then that third week, that’s when I was looking in the mirror, and I was like, “Oh, you’re a catch.” I would just tell myself this all the time and everything, and then-

Chris:
That’s kind of cute, actually, looking in the mirror.

Becca:
Yeah. I’m a very positive and happy person. And that breakup, I’ve never been at the lowest point in my life. And the one person I really wanted to confide in, I just couldn’t.

Chris:
Well, overall-

Becca:
I had to learn myself.

Chris:
Yeah. I mean, it’s just amazing. It seems to me like no contact was extremely hard because you’re in that state where, for the first two weeks, you said you were really having a hard time, but it was really between that second and third week that you start to kind of feel a lot more confident with yourself. Would you say for those people who are struggling with no contact right now, it’s just a function of getting through those first two weeks, that real hard period of time? And obviously, you were doing a lot during those first two weeks. Did it take you a while to kind of get the momentum going with some of the stuff you were working on for your trinity?

Becca:
Yeah. So, the thing with me is, when I answered that, I actually did the quiz on your page with what are the chances of getting your ex back and whatnot.

Chris:
For you, it would be 100%. But I’m sure that’s not what it said.

Becca:
No. It said 76%. And so, there was one question at the end. And it was like, “Do you deal with uncertainty well?”

Chris:
Oh yeah.

Becca:
And I was like, “Yeah.”

Chris:
I feel like I should weight that question more. But it’s hard to weight everything because there’s like 25 different questions it asks. But yeah. So, you answer the question, and what goes through your mind?

Becca:
It’s just funny because when the breakup first happened and I took that quiz and everything, it’s like, “Do you deal with uncertainty well?” And I was like, “No, not at all. Not at all.” And I took it again in week two, and it was like, “Do you deal with uncertainty well?” And I was like, “You know what? I actually do.” That was kind of the turning point for me. I was like, okay. Everything’s looking up right now. I’m feeling good about myself. And I just know I’m making the correct strides that I want to make in life. And I set a lot of goals for myself. During that first week of breakup, I set at least four different goals for myself. Well, one that had to do with health, one that had to do with wealth, one that had to do with my profession and everything. And another one was just something that just makes me happy.

Becca:
And so, I was able during no contact to just keep those goals in mind, but also knowing that I know that 30 days sounds like a lot of time to not talk to someone. But honestly, it flies by when you keep yourself preoccupied.

Chris:
It does, yeah. So, it also depends on the individual, because some individuals, no matter how much you can tell them to get through the no contact and keep themselves occupied, they can’t help with themselves but just obsess about what their ex is doing and what they’re up to. But for me, one of the reasons I think you succeeded so quickly is your attitude. You kind of have a happy-go-lucky aspect to yourself, and I think that’s really a good attitude to have throughout really a dark time, just when you take the pandemic and everything, but you had a breakup on top of it. It’s extremely stressful. But having the happy-go-lucky approach just throughout the entire thing, maybe not the first two weeks of no contact, but that seems to have really helped you along.

Becca:
Oh yeah. The first two weeks were really hard because honestly, I’ve never been depressed before, but that’s when I got to my all-time low where I was crying, hard to fall asleep. I would take melatonin to go to sleep just so I could make sure I’m up for work the next day and everything. But yeah, I think it was at the end of week two, I told myself, I was like, “You know what? Today’s the last day of me crying and sobbing over this. I really need to work on myself.” I was like, “If he wants me back, you know what? He’s going to work hard. He can get me back, but I need to make sure that he made changes as well.”

Chris:
It almost seems like you just got angry. At a certain point, you’re just like, “I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m going to change it.”

Becca:
Yeah. I don’t ever feel sad and everything, so it was a weird feeling for me, and I didn’t like it. That’s why I was like, “You know what? I just need to focus on me.” And that’s when my confidence went up, my self-esteem went up. It’s just crazy. I mean, I’m 28 now, and I’ve honestly never felt so confident before in my life. Not just personally with my relationship, but also in my profession. And it’s just really nice that I’m getting the positive reassurance from doctors and everything, but also my family, and also from him.

Chris:
Yeah, which are the areas of your trinity, right?

Becca:
Yeah.

Chris:
Health is kind of going to be determined by yourself, how you feel. But you’re always going to feel good if you get at least some workout done or something. Wealth, you’re getting the doctors saying nice things about you, and also you’re doing really well at work. And then relationships, your family are saying good things to you. You got your ex back. So you’re getting validation in all these areas. And I wanted to ask you, because my personal theory has always been that there’s this innate connection between all three theories. And when one goes down, all can go down. And one goes up, all can go up. Did you experience that aspect at all to the trinity?

Becca:
Yeah. Actually, when my ex broke up with me, I just felt like everything just fell crashing down. Everything. During the first week of no contact, the one where I broke it multiple times, I was just laying in bed and crying. I didn’t want to work out. I just didn’t want to focus on myself. And then I would obviously eat a bunch of ice cream and just [crosstalk 00:45:15]-

Chris:
Mm. Ice cream’s so good.

Becca:
So. And-

Chris:
So, that funny analogy I use, sitting on the tub of ice cream, it’s true still to this day.

Becca:
It’s so true. So true. But yeah. When one thing came crashing down, everything came crashing down. And it wasn’t until week two when I realized, you know what? I need a change. And I started focusing on one thing. And it led to me focusing on another. And everything just fell into place for me. And even over the weekend when I got him back and they did a birthday cake for me and everything, I honestly didn’t know what to wish for because I had everything in my life that I wanted.

Chris:
Well, you could be greedy. It’s your birthday.

Becca:
I mean, my wish, I probably shouldn’t say it. But-

Chris:
No, don’t say it, don’t say it. It won’t come true. It won’t come true. Just don’t say, you know?

Becca:
You’re right. I have to be optimistic about this.

Chris:
So, I guess for me, a personal question that I have is actually, and I want your honest opinion and your honest feedback on this. I don’t want anyone listening to think that I’m coaxing her into saying something. But what did you think of the program and the Facebook group? Did you view that as an invaluable resource, or did you have to wing it a lot?

Becca:
I honestly bought your program because of the Facebook group. Because I wanted a community so then I can get my answers questioned, but then I can also talk to people that were going through the same things as myself and everything. Because I was just watching all of your YouTube videos. I was like, okay, I can do this. But then an incentive of your ERP program was the Facebook group. And that’s where I found my battle buddy. And honestly, I don’t think I would’ve been able to get through this entire process without her.

Chris:
So, that’s a consistent theme I hear among people who get their exes back. They really make use of the Facebook group. I don’t know the timing of when I started the Facebook Live stuff, again, because I had a lot of health issues for the past two years. But I’m assuming you probably watched a few Facebook Lives that I had done or maybe Anna had done. Did you attend any of those, or did you not have time with work and everything?

Becca:
Yeah. Actually, I did attend one of yours, and you gave me a shout-out. Because I think this was for week two of no contact. My rotations got delayed, and I had to move back to the West Coast. And I had to move into his family’s house. And I didn’t know what to do because sphere of influence is one thing, but you’re not supposed to intertwine with it during a breakup. And so, yeah, I ended up asking you the question, “Okay, I’m moving back. What do I do?” Kind of thing. And then you pretty much told me, “Keep it professional, as in don’t talk about him at all. But also, be the best guest.”

Chris:
Yeah, you want them to report all this stuff to him, you know?

Becca:
Oh yeah.

Chris:
That’s the best way to view it. I mean, it’s not great to say, yeah, use people as tools, but you need to use that sphere of influence, the people that your ex surrounds himself with, because a lot of people don’t know what that is. You know they’re going to chirp, so you just give them the right things to chirp about, and you just show them.

Becca:
I am pretty confident that the sphere of influence was 95% of the reason that I got my ex back.

Chris:
It surely helped. I wouldn’t say 95%, because it seems like no contact really impacted him a lot. Because if he’s going to bed thinking, “What is she up to? Is she sleeping with someone?” I mean, when you let your mind run, it can run wild with some crazy things or some crazy thoughts, so. But I am sure that helped a lot. Especially with how close you are to his family.

Becca:
Yeah. And my mind would go everywhere too, “What’s he doing?” and everything. But I do remember reading on the Facebook group that someone called that monkey brain.

Chris:
Monkey brain.

Becca:
And I would tell myself-

Chris:
It’s either potatoes or monkey brain. Some of the women come up with some crazy stuff. Yeah, for a lot of times, I walked into the Facebook group years ago, and all women are calling men potatoes. And I’m just like, what the heck are they talking about? And I have to talk to one of the moderators and be like, “What is this?” So, just crazy terminology, I guess. Monkey brain. Uh-oh. I may have lost-

Becca:
Oh no. You froze for a second.

Chris:
No, no, no, we’re good, we’re good. I got you again. So yeah, you used the Facebook group. Did you get through the program at all, the membership site, and going through all the modules and lessons, or did you just kind of use them both intertwined?

Becca:
I used them both intertwined. I wish I had more time to do it. But I went through a majority of the book, actually. Because I would also jump around, especially when he wanted to meet up. I would refer back to the book. I’m like, okay, value chain. I’m like, uh-oh, I’m really jumping the gun on this one.

Chris:
But sometimes opportunities are too good to pass up, so I’m glad you did.

Becca:
Thanks, yeah. Even my battle buddy was telling me too, she was like, “You’re jumping the value chain here.” I was like, “Yeah, but you got to think, I have to be a little bit more flexible with this.” She’s like, “Yeah, you’re right. When’s the next time you’re going to see him?” I’m like, “Yeah, okay. Let’s do this.”

Chris:
So, did you make use of any of the video walk-throughs that I had done when you were jumping around, or were you one of those people that downloaded the entire digital textbook to just have it to refer to at all times?

Becca:
Yeah. I definitely referred to it at all times.

Chris:
Okay, good to know. Good to know. So, I’m just trying to understand how people are interacting with the program so that we can continue to make it better. But what you’re saying is a lot of what we’ve heard when we talked to different beta testers, in that Facebook seems to be the most important thing, getting around that community of individuals, and attending the Facebook Lives, or asking questions and things. And obviously, the battle buddy seemed to be really invaluable for you in your situation.

Becca:
Yeah. 100%. The Facebook group, the Live sessions, the battle buddy. That aspect of your program is the icing on the cake.

Chris:
Yeah, it’s funny. It’s funny. It’s a beautiful thing how it’s all sort of come together. I mean, my wife was the one, she was like, “You really should do a Facebook group.” For the longest time, I was like, “No, no, I don’t want to do that.” But I’m so glad that I did because it’s grown into something pretty powerful for a lot of people, and life-changing in your case.

Becca:
Yeah, yeah. So, thank you so much for the Facebook group.

Chris:
Oh, no, no. Thank you. Thank you for following directions and getting the good result.

Becca:
Oh yeah.

Chris:
So, I mean, I guess there’s one more question I want to ask. And just be as honest and authentic as possible. If you were to pick one thing that you did that you feel was the game-changing aspect of what won him back, what would that one thing be?

Becca:
Focusing on myself.

Chris:
Focusing on yourself.

Becca:
100%, because he even noticed that, one, I had a glow to myself. He mentioned that. He mentioned that I’m looking good because I’m just focusing on myself. And he even told me, he’s like, “Wow, you look good.” And my response was, “I know.”

Chris:
That’s a great response. So, I think for me, it seems like your attitude. You just have the right attitude that I typically see. A lot of times, when I interview success stories, I’m trying to pay attention to what they’re doing, but also how they are, and their attitude, and the way they think. It’s unique. And I think the more we can kind of distill this down to help people out, I love your happy-go-lucky approach. You just seem to have a very positive vibe about you, and I think that’s one of the big reasons why he probably wanted you back. That just shines through, and even just talking in this interview.

Becca:
Thank you. Yeah. But no, that’s definitely. Because him and I, he’s the polar opposite. I’m the happy-go-lucky one, and then he’s more down-to-earth, not as optimistic as me. But yeah, he was telling me. It was just really nice when I finally got him back. It was really nice.

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3 thoughts on “He Said “I Love You But I’m Not IN LOVE With You” And Then He Came Back”

  1. Avatar

    Carmelle Hyppolite

    June 13, 2020 at 1:30 pm

    I have a leo boyfriend who lives far from me, he is unfaithful, hypocrite, liar and sneaky. I love him , I don’t know how to cope with this situation.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      June 13, 2020 at 9:52 pm

      Hey Carmelle, you need to start with a No Contact where you focus on yourself and your Holy Trinity. If he is unfaithful and lying to you then you need to consider if this is the person you want to be with regardless if you love him.

  2. Avatar

    Court

    June 12, 2020 at 3:08 am

    My ex and I had an amazing relationship- we were best friends. The quarantine has prevented us from seeing each other for 10 months, along with other stressors, he broke up with me. I think it’s a similar scenario where it was the only thing he could control. He told me he didn’t think he was ever in love with me but he loved me and would move heaven and earth for me if he could. (He’s divorced and thinks he can’t give me what I want too.)

    This gives me some hope – I was fighting for the relationship and told him so for the first 2 weeks (he told me the same, he needed to “figure himself out” but he was fighting for our relationship…)

    I am currently on day 9 of no contact. I am hoping he comes around soon.