Nobody likes hearing mean things about themselves, especially from exes.
It’s even worse if you’re trying to get your ex back.
So today we’re going to talk about what your ex really means when he says those mean things and how should you deal with them.
I figured we’d start by asking one of the most asked questions around this topic.
Does Your Ex Really Mean It When They Say Mean Things About You?
What I’m about to say might rub people the wrong way simply because they’re afraid to look at the truth, but at the moment when your ex says something really mean to you, they usually do mean it.
But that “at the moment” part is key here because if your ex is saying mean things after your breakup there’s a high chance it’s all just emotional deflection.
You always need to put an asterisk next to the mean things your ex says because of the age-old phrase “when emotions run high, logic runs low”.
I’m going to break down some of the most emotionally charged mean things an ex might say to you and decode what they actually mean:
What your ex says: I hate you.
What they really mean: I hate what you are doing to me.
See how the hatred isn’t actually directed to you as a whole, it’s more about something specific that you did or are doing that bothers them.
What your ex says: I never loved you.
What they really mean: I’m so upset and hurt by what you’re doing to me that I’m going to say this to hurt you.
This one is just a classic petty phrase used to one-up you if you hurt them. At this stage they’ll probably say whatever they think will hurt you the most.
What your ex says: We will never get back together.
What they really mean: We will never back together… unless I feel like it.
When your ex says this, they’re just trying to take control of the situation and dictate that if you get back together it’ll be on their terms only.
Now that those obvious mean things are out of the way I want to focus on something that seems much less “mean”, but can hurt just as much:
What your ex says: Let’s go on a break.
What they really mean: Let’s start distancing from each other so it doesn’t hurt as bad when we eventually break up.
People come up to me and ask what their ex means when they say they want a break and ultimately probably the best answer I’ve ever found is it’s a way for them to soften the eventual breakup.
They’re a little too afraid of ripping your heart out of your chest upfront so they decide to go on a break so the relationship kind of trails of and leads into the eventual breakup that will occur.
Here’s What You Should Do When Your Ex Says Something Mean About You
So now that you understand a little bit of the psychology behind your ex saying something mean to you and what they really mean, let’s talk about what you should be doing if you find yourself in this circumstance. Instead of focusing on specific actions and tactics, I want to help you understand the mindset you should have when faced with this situation.
I have two ideas to share with you today and both of them are philosophical and internal because getting an ex back isn’t an exact science with guaranteed progressive results.
Getting an ex back or even trying to move on from an ex isn’t a linear process, it’s more of a long-winded curve with ups and downs where you constantly find yourself facing setbacks.
Here are my two top tips for dealing with all those setbacks and your ex saying mean things:
Tip #1: Do Not Make Your Ex The Protagonist Of Your Life
I often find my clients making all of their future plans with their ex in the picture – marriage, houses, kids you name it.
It’s often the only thing that keeps them going in a relationship and perhaps the hardest pill to swallow is the fact that your ex never loved you like you thought that they did.
You’ve made your ex the center of your while you’ve only ever been an afterthought for them.
Oftentimes you can play back some of the YouTube videos I’ve recorded over the past few years and I’ll talk a lot about knocking your ex down off the pedestal that you have them on.
Why is that so important?
You’re making your entire life about your ex when your entire life is supposed to be about YOU.
If you really think about it philosophically, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone. Sure, you could argue that the ultimate goal of life is to find your perfect soulmate to share your life with but how probable is it that you’ll both die together at the exact same time?
You need to realize that your life is your own and you need to start living it for yourself.
Also, if you make your life all about your ex it can be a huge turn off to them.
They want to be independent in their own right and they want you to be independent in your own right. You might come off as super clingy to your ex and that won’t do you any favors.
But perhaps the biggest issue I see when people make their ex is the protagonist of their life is that when you put your ex on such a high pedestal you hyper-focus on every little thing that goes wrong. And here’s the thing – several things will go wrong in the process of getting your ex back or even trying to get over your ex, as they do in all walks of life.
You need to have the emotional fortitude to overcome whatever issues arise.
So, two core ideas are embedded into not centering your life around your ex:
- Learning who you are again by taking the focus off your breakup and onto you to cultivate the best possible version of yourself
- Knocking your ex down off that pedestal so they’re not at the forefront of your mind with every single decision that you make.
Now, this is just the mental preparation for how you should be going about handling whatever mean things your ex is saying. That doesn’t really tell you about the mentality you should have when you approach getting them back and for that, I’d like to introduce you to tip number two…
Tip #2: Have A Paradigm Shift In How You Make Decisions
I recently came across a philosophical story that really resonated with me especially because I deal with individuals who are hyper-focused on getting their exes back to the point that it’s almost like an all or nothing type of a circumstance.
The philosophy was about the need to change your paradigm when faced with challenging choices.
When these people going through terrible breakups fail at getting their ex back or simply hear mean things from their ex, it completely shatters them even though the odds are typically stacked against them.
After all, your ex probably broke up with you because they think they can do better than you.
So how do you mentally prepare someone for a circumstance like that? I actually think I found the perfect paradigm shift that you need to undergo if you want to go through this process.
The paradigm shift you need to have involves using a lot of logic to structure and analyze your life in a set of choices.
So, whenever you enter into a conflict in your life you should take all the data possible and take time and energy to deliberate through your options. Ultimately you must weigh all the choices to figure out what is the best choice for you and your current circumstances.
In other words, you’re going to make as educated a choice as you possibly can, then you’re going to implement that choice and let it go. That’s right, whatever happens, happens.
You don’t need to worry about doing the wrong thing because you made the right choice given all the information you had at the time. That’s the best anyone can do so you should let the chips fall where they may and live with the consequences.
I cannot tell you how often I think people want or try to do this, but they fail because they just simply can’t let go of the fact that maybe they chose the wrong choice. But it’s literally impossible to always choose the right choice correctly. It’s only possible to take time to think through what you’re going to choose.
So, if you choose what you believe at the moment is the very best choice for you, you’ve done all you could. For example, if you’re trying to choose between doing a no contact rule or not, you should consider everything that could happen with either choice.
Sure, your ex could get upset if you ignore them, but they could also miss you and you could spend that time working on yourself. It’s on you to decide what’s best for YOUR situation. Once you decide, you just live with whatever happens knowing that you chose as best as you possibly could.
This way of making informed decisions should extend to everything in your life because it means fewer regrets later on!
If your ex said mean things to you, they meant it in that particular moment, but it was probably just an emotional reaction.
The best you can do in this situation is to stop making your ex the protagonist of your life and start making well-informed decisions and committing to them fully.