Ex-boyfriends can be so confusing….
One minute they are hot and the next they are cold.
They tell you they like you, but they don’t love you; that they love you but they aren’t in love with you; that they love you but they just aren’t ready for a commitment.
What does all this mean?
What is he really thinking?
How can you get him to commit?…
This article is going to teach you what your ex-boyfriend really means when he says he loves you but just won’t commit.
I am going to show you:-
- Why the time your ex said it matters.
- Why your ex is avoiding commitment.
- What you can do to win your ex back and get him to commit.
Why Your Ex Boyfriend Told You He Loves You (But Hasn’t Committed Yet)
So your ex told you he loves you but won’t commit. This happens all the time with ex-boyfriends for all kinds of reasons. I can assure you that I have pretty much heard them all by now.
Before we dive into details let’s start by talking about when he told you he loves you because this makes a big difference as to how he is feeling now.
He said I love you whilst you were dating
If your ex-boyfriend told you he loves you whilst you are dating then I can say with almost 100% certainty that he meant it. A guy will build up the courage to tell a girl he loves her for a while before those words fall out of his mouth, it’s a big deal telling a girl you love her, so guys take it verrrrrrry seriously.
So that is great news!…because if he fell in love with you once then he can fall in love with you twice!
There is a downside though, now you are broken up those feelings he had for you aren’t as strong as they once were. You are going to have to assume that after you broke up any feelings your ex-boyfriend had whilst you were together have reduced significantly.
Don’t worry, this is not going to be a problem as you are going to be starting afresh in a new relationship with your ex-boyfriend before getting him to commit.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizHe said I love you during the breakup
This one is tough, if your ex said I love you during the breakup there is only a 50/50 chance that it is true and we will explore the reasons why he might say that in a little bit.
There is a silver lining though, if your ex said he loves you and didn’t mean it then he was trying to spare your feelings during the breakup which means he still cares about you.
He said I love you after the breakup
If your ex-boyfriend says he loves you after the breakup either during the no-contact period or when you are texting then there is a fair to good chance your ex is still in love with you.
This begs the question “why do I think he still loves you even though you are broken up????”…. well ex-boyfriend’s don’t just go around telling girls they love them if they don’t generally mean it, like I said earlier, telling a girl you love her is a big deal.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizYou see, I think guys get a bad reputation when it comes to romance and commitment generally but most men really do want a long term relationships as much as women do- your ex just needs to be certain he is with the right woman before he commits.
As you can see the chances that your ex loved you or still loves you are quite high but there are all kinds of reasons why he won’t commit to you but as with all things on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery…. I’ve got your back so there’s no need to panic, together we have everything under control!
Reasons For Why An Ex Might NOT Want To Commit
Now that we have covered when your ex-boyfriend told you he loves you, let’s take you through the reasons why an ex might still not want to commit.
Scared of getting hurt
If you had a nasty breakup with your ex-boyfriend that was caused by cheating or something really major then the reason he won’t commit is most likely because he is struggling to trust you.
If you cheated on your ex-boyfriend then he is probably still really hurt by the breakup and is finding it hard to trust you. It is normal that he will feel very cautious about making things official with you just in case history repeats itself.
There are two factors that make an ex-boyfriend distrust you are:-
- You have let them down in the past.
- They don’t feel a strong connection with you anymore.
In circumstances like this your ex-boyfriend can still feel love for you but sometimes it can be overshadowed by the fear of getting hurt, when this happens he is going to avoid committing to you.
No long-term future
Have you ever heard the phrase “timing is everything”?
I am a huge believer that sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time in your life.
You should think of this category as the big bucket of incompatibilities, obstacles and other priorities that come up in a relationship.
It is very common for couples to breakup because an ex-boyfriend thinks they have no long-term future together, sometimes it’s because of things such as having different views on having children or focusing on a career. Sometimes breakups can happen because you live at opposite ends of the country and it can even be caused by your ex-boyfriend believing that your lifestyle’s are not compatible.
The two reasons an ex-boyfriend might not see a long-term future in a relationship are:-
- That the relationship is difficult to juggle against other priorities
- That he doesn’t see you as sharing the same dreams for your lives
When either of these occur, an ex-boyfriend is going to avoid further commitment with you.
The thing is, I noticed a really interesting fact about relationship obstacles …and that is that they are generally not the reason couple’s breakup or why an ex-boyfriend won’t commit.
I have actually been in a long-distance relationship and that’s a pretty big obstacle to overcome, but the surprising part is that I was willing to deal with the time we had apart because of how I felt in the relationship.
You see, relationships are pretty straight forward when it comes to obstacles and priorities. If your ex-boyfriend likes you more than the inconvenience the obstacle causes then he is going to be okay with progressing the relationship further and having more commitment, but if the obstacle outweighs how strongly he feels about you then he is going to avoid commitment….. this means to win him back and get him to commit, it all boils down to attraction!
Lust
This one isn’t a nice one, but you know I always tell you straight.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThere is a small chance your ex-boyfriend said I love you and his reason was pretty shallow and that reason was that he doesn’t love you….. he lusts you!
So why would he do this?
When an ex-boyfriend breaks up with you he think’s “Did I make the right choice? What if I don’t find someone else?” and then panics and decides “I best keep her sweet just in case
I am still single in six months…. Then we can hook up”
If you ex-boyfriend won’t commit because he lusts you, then he is looking to keep you lined up for a friends with benefits arrangement.
If your ex does this it’s a really horrible move on his part!
Mr Nice Guy
Ahhhh good old Mr Nice-Guy.
I bet you all know him, right?
This ex-boyfriend always says and does the right thing to make you feel like there I no reason you should be apart. You guys probably had a pretty amicable breakup, he might even say something like “I love you but I am not in love with you” or “I love you more like a friend” or perhaps even “I love you but I don’t know what I want. It’s not you it’s me.”
So why would this ex say he loves you? Well he might have said it during the breakup to stop you from feeling so upset. Saying he loves you softens the blow of the breakup, and stops you from thinking that the whole relationship was a fallacy.
This ex-boyfriend probably broke up with you due to a lack of chemistry and for this reason he might put you in the friendzone.
Grass Is Greener Syndrome
Remember the Grass Is Greener Syndrome….?
I talk about it really often on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery and I cover it in in a lot of depth in my Pro book.
The Grass is Greener Syndrome occurs when you have been in a relationship with your boyfriend for a while and then he starts to feel that there might be better options out in the dating world than you, when this happens you breakup.
Your ex can say he loves you and still have the Grass is Greener Syndrome if he knows he has experienced stronger feelings for other previous ex-girlfriends.
OUCH!……. that has got to be tough to read but you know I always have a solution because the grass isn’t greener so keep on reading!
I am sure some of my readers might be thinking “My ex-boyfriend is just a commitment-phobe and that’s not on the list!!!”
I had a think about this and the commitment-phobe is the kind of ex-boyfriend who enjoys dating; he has a fear of commitment to the wrong woman rather than a fear of committing to a relationship.
This is why many of you have had ex-boyfriends in the past who said they weren’t looking for a relationship but then immediately afterwards announced they are engaged or moving in with another woman.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizThe commitment-phobe will still fall into one of the five categories above so for that reason I haven’t listed it separately.
Handling a commitment-phobe requires exactly the same approach to an ordinary breakup so you can follow the steps that we will cover next.
Here Is How You Are Going To Get Him To Commit To You
If you have an ex-boyfriend that is afraid of getting hurt by you then you need to work on building trust with your ex.
As I mentioned earlier there are two reasons an ex-boyfriend might not trust you.
- They feel you have let them down in the past
- The don’t feel a strong connection to you anymore
I am going to teach you how to show your ex-boyfriend that you can be trusted after you have let them down.
What you will need to do is follow this very simple 4 step process…
To figure out what kind of apology you need to make try taking a look at the article “My ex-boyfriend blames me for the breakup” which will give you some good tips on how to apologize and the sort of apology you need to make.
If your ex-boyfriend doesn’t trust you because of cheating, please make sure you cut all contact with the person you cheated on them with! This is a no-brainer but it’s worth mentioning just in case.
The next stage to building trust is to be open, now if you cheated on your ex-boyfriend or maybe suffered from something like an addiction then he is probably going to be worried about who you are talking to on your phone, where you are going out, what you are spending your money on, what time you will be home etc. The easiest way to get around this is to allow him to see your phone on days when he is feeling insecure, I’m going to stress this is only in the short-term until he trusts you again.
If your ex-boyfriend is worried about who you are spending time with or where you are spending it, a good way to make him feel more comfortable with the situation is to invite him along so he can see that you aren’t meeting other guys behind his back or slipping back into old habits.
I understand that allowing your ex-boyfriend to check up on you is going to be frustrating, but it’s worthwhile reminding yourself that it will be worth it in the long-term when he feels comfortable enough making a commitment to your relationship.
The third point in the plan is to always be honest with him. Your ex-boyfriend might want details about absolutely anything, things such as “Where you are going?” or “Why you couldn’t answer your phone earlier?” or “have you been drinking?”, when he does I recommend you always be honest with him.
Hiding facts from an ex-boyfriend has a tendency to backfire, exes have a sixth sense about lying so avoid it all costs.
The final point on the 4 step process is to have integrity.
What does this actually mean though?
Well integrity goes beyond having morals and values, it means actually living them.
What you want to do is demonstrate to your ex-boyfriend that not only do you know what it means to be trustworthy, but that you actually behave in a way that is trustworthy too.
You might recall that I said earlier there were two reasons an ex-boyfriend avoid commitment when he is scared of getting hurt.
When you ex-boyfriend feels he doesn’t have the same strong connection to you then the obvious step to take is to rekindle the connection he has to you.
But what does that mean?….. it means increase the level of attraction he feels for you of course…… it’s those pesky scales again!
His attraction for you must outweigh his fear of getting hurt.
To increase his attraction for you apply the principles I outline in the next section as these are universal and apply to all of the commitment scenarios.
What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?
Take the quizIf your ex is in the other groups
When your ex-boyfriend won’t commit for any reason including the fear of getting hurt then you need to work on building the attraction between you.
There are two types of attraction you will have to work on increasing:-
- Physical attraction
- Emotional attraction
The first one I won’t focus on too much as there are already articles on becoming the Ungettable Girl, but as a quick recap you have to look after yourself and stay healthy. Workout, eat properly, perhaps get a makeover and make sure you are looking a million dollars. Make sure you are posting lots of pictures of how fantastic you look so your ex and any mutual friends can see.
The second point about emotional attraction is the part you should give the most attention to when trying to get your ex-boyfriend to commit to you and I am going to talk about this in a lot more detail.
Why do you need to focus on emotional attraction?…… because when it comes to physical attraction you just have to be attractive enough to catch your ex-boyfriends eye, looks alone aren’t enough to hold his attention long-term, this is why you need to work on the emotional attraction too.
I bet that’s a big surprise for some of you right? I know a lot of you were probably thinking that looks mattered the most.
As always I have done plenty of research and found two amazing ways that you can use to increase the level of emotional attraction your ex-boyfriend feels towards you which are:-
- Increased investments
- Deeper conversations
Let’s start off by talking about increased investments.
Increased Investment
Getting your ex-boyfriend to make a series of small scale investments in you is a good way to increase the level of attraction he is going to feel towards you, and the more attracted he is, the happier he is going to be making a commitment to your relationship.
The sort of investments you might get him to make include:-
- Getting him to answer your texts
- Giving you a recommendation for a purchase
- Helping you to fix something that’s broken
- Buying you flowers or a gift
- Taking you on a date or a trip
You will notice that some of those are more serious than others, this is on purpose. To get your ex-boyfriend to commit, you want to start with the easy ones like answering texts and slowly build up to a big investment like a date or a trip.
A fantastic way to get him to make small investments is to ensure each one is fun and engaging for him.
Now I am going to share with you a clever trick I leant…..
Have you ever played a computer game?
Don’t you think they are so addictive?
Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could get your ex to feel that way about investing in you?
You are dying to know what this trick is aren’t you?
What you can do to get your ex-boyfriend addicted to making these small investments into your relationship is use something called Gamification.
This is a fancy geek word meaning that you give your ex-boyfriend tiny rewards for his investments along the way towards commitment (as long as the reward isn’t sex).
I have to admit that I can spend hours playing computer games by myself so when I discovered that there was a way to recreate that addictive feeling I was blown away and knew I had to use it in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery!
To get you started with getting your first little investment from your ex-boyfriend, I am going to show you a new type of text that you can use in the early stages of texting.
This text is going to make him feel like investing time in you is as much fun as playing on his computer because I have applied the principles of gamification!
I call this “The Three Guesses Text”, because you are going to give your ex three guesses as to why you are texting him.
You see what the text does is combine the following cool elements that are going to make your ex-boyfriend to reply.
- It’s playful without being overly flirtatious
- It tells your ex-boyfriend that he is going to enjoy texting you
- It turns texting into a fun game where he could win or lose something something…. Your approval!
- He makes three separate little investments in answering your one text message
- You can say he has impressed you, that compliment is his reward.
How this text differs from the “Guess what” texts I have in the program already is that they are a way of getting your ex-boyfriends initial attention when you come out of no-contact, whereas The Three Guesses Text is designed to increase his attraction towards you and is better suited for when you have been out of no-contact for couple of weeks or more.
Deeper conversations
Recently I discovered that when you are having a conversation with your ex-boyfriend you can deepen the level of attraction he feels for you just by slowly shifting how you speak to him during the conversation. Isn’t that incredible?!
The second technique that I am exclusively about to share with you is something you can use in both your text messages and your phone calls to your ex-boyfriend and it will gradually increase your ex-boyfriends attraction for you and this is what is going to make him want to commit to a relationship.
What I have learned is that there are four separate levels of conversation…
The interesting thing about this is, that the level of conversation we have is determined by how well we know and like someone.
Confused?
Here is what I mean..
Small talk is something we can talk to anyone about, it can be a stranger in a shop or on a bus.
Swapping facts is the sort of thing we talk about with people we are loosely acquainted with and is the sort of conversation you might have on a first date
Discussing opinions tends to be something you talk about with people you know well such as friends or colleagues.
Lastly, sharing feelings in a conversation is generally reserved for family members and romantic relationships.
Why is this useful information???
Well by starting off with small talk and working your way through each of the levels towards discussing feelings, your ex-boyfriend will automatically feel closer to you… and what does closeness mean? That’s right…. ATTRACTION!
Using this technique to make him feel closer to you is going to make him feel like he is already your boyfriend again and want to explicitly commit to the relationship.
Here’s an example of how you might shift a conversation through each of the levels.
Alison Dunlop
November 2, 2024 at 11:13 pm
Hi Need advice
My ex and I split after 5 month relationship
It were brutal abrupt ending.
Really knocked me emotionally.
He said he loved me then..But dumped me
We did text after that and kept intouch.
Mainly me.
It’s a year and a bit since we split now
Other day he said he wete falling in love with me then
And said sorry for hurting you.
He was not ready for relationship….And should of done things better how he ended it.
He asked me how I felt did I love him
In a later text i said i did…..Where he stated i thought so
He said we see friends now ..Kept repeating as if convincing himself not me
I said you going on holiday soon changed subject.
He said next year…Aee you coming
I thought is this a joke……Didnt know what to say.
Ove no idea what hes playing st what he wants.
As hes not ready
He were in marines years ago.
So I said maybe you’ve been hanging about with guys you long
Out with the boys..And dont know how to relate to women
He said oh I dont know
But repeated I’m still not ready.. And he sounded totally lost to why hes like that the way he said
I need advice
I’m not ready to move on.
I feel in my part still something there
Thankyou x
Joanna
October 8, 2022 at 2:52 pm
My ex and I were in an 8 year off and on relationship and my insecurities ruined it. He was a workaholic and I took it personally. I became so sick and clingy and didn’t even realize it until he was out of my life for at least 6 months. I’ve done so much to work on myself and learned to love myself again and I truly do now. I’ve made amends with my children and friends I’d become unhealthy with. I was able to admit my mistakes and ask for forgiveness from him as well. He’s contacted me several times over the last 10 months, will reach out several times a week and then nothing for weeks. Last week I ran into him for the first time and he looked so happy to see me and gave me the look he did when we first met. He called me a week later and started the conversation by saying I needed to move on and let him go and when I agreed to it, he backpedaled. He mentioned how beautiful I looked and how I seemed so different, just like the first time he met me. He reluctantly told me he has been talking to a gal but something is holding him back from moving forward with her. He said he didn’t want to throw that in my face and he’s been honest with her about me and why he won’t move forward. I think my reply shocked him though. In the past, I would’ve begged him to ditch her and get back with me but I told him I supported him and wanted what was best for him. He was shocked and then went into how much he still loves me but is scared of me going back to the insecure woman I’d been for a long time. I told him I understood his reluctancy but I was doing this change for me and my children and that I’d not realized I even had a problem when we were together. We ended the conversation with me saying, “If you believe that you have a future with this lady, I will respect that and disappear.” He told me not to do that and to text him anytime. I believe 100% that everything will work out the way it’s supposed to and if the relationship is too damaged, I will be able to move on. (I’ve tried dating but it just doesn’t feel good) I also believe with all of my heart that he and I are going to be together one day. Do I disappear? Practice the no contact again? The universe reminds him of me every day, he did tell me that. I just don’t know if he will forget about me if I’m silent for too long, although he hasn’t forgotten me in all of this time apart. I want to do the right thing this time. Help!
Sarah
April 25, 2022 at 2:23 am
Hey!
Me and my ex were together for 3 and a half years.
Everything was going smooth until the 3rd year mark. He was way too busy with his business and i became insecure and we started to fight. He deeply loved me but always said that my mood swings were ruining the relationship making the vibe go off.
I tried to make myself better in that aspect but i couldn’t completely overcome them. He thought i was becoming unhappier with hom so decided to call off the relationship despite families being involved too. Then after 3-4 months we started talking again and we showed love towards one another. Yet he feared commitment and completely stopped contact.
Cynthia
February 23, 2022 at 8:49 pm
Hi I need your advice!
My name is Cynthia and my ex and I were dating for 9 months this was my first serious relationship and we were both in love. We broke up on a mutual agreement because we couldn’t see each other as much. We started talking again recently but he’s been distant, going hours without texting me back, and he’s been more interested in having sex with me than having a conversation with me. When I asked him about it he said he loved me and he was just so busy he couldn’t answer his phone at all. I asked my friend about this and she says he’s not ready to commit because he still wants to enjoy other women but he still wants me around.. what should I do?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
March 1, 2022 at 11:02 pm
Hey Cynthia, so if he wants to explore other women then he feels that there could be “more” out there for him, and he also possibly thinks that if he is sleeping with you that he still has you in his back pocket. I would suggest that you DO NOT sleep with him while you are not official. And be sure that you also start dating other guys. It is difficult but he needs to feel that he is going to lose you to someone else unless he gives you the relationship you want.
Lady Luck
November 12, 2021 at 1:52 am
Okay…so I really need some advice.. Please… So.. Long story short… 7 years ago I started talking to this guy.. We decided to be exclusive but stay friends and not date because he wasn’t ready for a relationship and to be honest after my abusive marriage I wasn’t in a huge hurry to commit… He says he’s a a loner and doesn’t like to go out and prefers to stay home.. Which is true. He doesn’t go out often… He does enjoy his video games… Anyways.. We did this friends with benefits things up until July of this year.. And he decided to make things official with us. He bought me some roses and was telling me he loved me all the time.. It was really great… Except he still was a “loner” and didn’t want to hang out then a few weeks ago… I had mentioned that I felt like he takes me for granted because he still wants to be a loner and we barely see each other.. I was trying to talk to him about it and he told me he was sorry .. Then he responded the next day saying he needed time to think about things (which I wasn’t sure what to think. I know his life isn’t where he wants it to be especially with his living situation which makes it hard for us to hang out at his place) but I did then I asked him if things were okay a few days later as he got really cold on me and completely ignored me (which is odd for him and I was worried he had met someone else).. And then he was still needing time… I asked if he wanted to end things with me and he said yes… That he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship and may never be… That it wasn’t fair to me.. But I am confused cause just a few days before all this happened.. He was being super loving and caring (over texts) and then just wants to throw it all away… I don’t understand what I did . Or what happened between us.
Katie
October 16, 2021 at 8:20 pm
Hi there,
Do you still give advice? My ex broke up with me while on deployment, he’s in the marines and he ended it over text. I can’t ring him as there’s no phone signal. He said he would meet me in person when’s he’s back but only to break up with me and repeat what he’s said over text.
Basically I have been too insecure and have pushed him away. He feels as though nothing he does is good enough and he says I make him feel worthless and he doesn’t need that in his life. He said he thought I was the one but not anymore. I think I pushed him too far this time while he’s away and ‘nagged’ too much. He thinks I’m selfish and think only about how tough I have it when he’s the one away from family and who’s been away for most of the year.
He said he isn’t changing his mind and he’s given me too many chances. His faith in me as gone and he ended it because deep down he knows I won’t change. I know I can change and I have been working on it but is it too late?
Our relationship was supposed to improve when he’s back as he will be in the country more and he has just bought a place. We haven’t had much time together because of his work so it’s been a very unusual relationship plus with Covid and being apart at the start. I feel like it would be so good if we could just see how this new set up would work for us, being able to spend more time together etc be a more normal couple.
Do you think there’s a chance of growing the attraction again and showing him I will change?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 7:53 pm
Hi Katie, if you have been showing insecurities and its taken its toll on your relationship then I would suggest that while he is deployed that you use this time to work on yourself and show him when he is home that your the best version of yourself, happy confident and overall in a “better” place.
Allie
October 12, 2021 at 6:19 am
My boyfriend has officially broken up with me twice now. He still says he loves me and his reason was that he didn’t see a future with me. I can’t help but feel like he is scared as he struggles to plan for the future and I am the opposite. I dive in, and am excited about things. He went from saying how excited he was for me to meet his family, we met and have lived abroad for 2 years to deciding that he doesn’t see a future. It’s got me all sorts of confused. He came and saw me when he could as lockdown was very strict where I am and we cried and cuddled and he kissed me. We’ve been speaking and we’re getting along. I don’t know if I do want to be with him as he does change his mind so much but I am struggling to be apart from him. He was my best friend and I know I am a little lonely here. I spoke about us seeing each other and he has said it would be too hard that he misses me and misses my company and having cuddles but he thinks we are already in limbo because we talk and he doesn’t want to make it harder. Do I just need to let go?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 10, 2022 at 4:26 pm
Hey Allie, I think you need to spend some more time following the no contact rule first, in that time spend time working on yourself and spending time with your friends and family. Use your social media to show you are living life and are pretty happy without him around. This seems harsh but it is what is needed when someone “cant see a future” with you. I think from what you have said, you are long distance? Is there a plan for that to change in the future as this is also a factor for a lot of people in long term relationships when their other half lives away. I would suggest that you read this article https://www.exboyfriendrecovery.com/my-ex-said-he-doesnt-see-a-future-with-me/
Christina
September 15, 2021 at 2:13 am
So me and my ex were together 2 and a half years … we have been broken up for about 2 and a half months … things have been going good lately we have been communicating often getting along spending weekends together and basically enjoying each other’s company … but he refuses to say I love you back to me and refuses to commit he says I have to show him things will be different before he commits but I have made serious changes and he still refuses I don’t want to loose this man he is the love of my life but at the same time I don’t want to be used … I don’t know if he geniuenly will work things out with me or if I’m being played… I did catch him with other women but I scared them away and now he swears he’s not talking to anyone but I just don’t get why he won’t commit to me …. please help
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
November 25, 2021 at 9:44 pm
Hey Christina, so the issue with this, you cannot force him to do something that he is not ready for. It will take time for things to happen naturally for him. I totally get that you are at that point where you feel that you love him and ready to express it but that does not mean that he has reached that point himself yet. If things are going well, relax and try not to add pressure to the relationship.
Diamond
September 3, 2021 at 8:54 pm
My boyfriend and I have been broken up for two and a half years and we spent about 5 together beforehand. It was messy and over the past two years he’s consistently texted me off and on during no contact. My mom called him out of the blue for help and she hasn’t spoke to him in years and as a result he reached out to me and invited me on a 7 day trip. I reluctantly accepted mostly in fear of getting hurt. We had an amazing time and I was super happy to reconnect with him. Things had been going well over the last 7 weeks and out the blue when he’s supposed to come and see me he brings up old drama like he’s trying to blame me and fight. I am at a loss. He literally told me how much he missed me and loved me on his own during and after the trip. Why now would he go in reverse if nothing has happened to bring up the past other than him saying when I didn’t answer the phone he started having negative thoughts? I thought our previous five year relationship was going to get back on track and now this. What can I do other than another no contact?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
October 7, 2021 at 8:31 pm
Hi Diamond, it sounds as if he has got cold feet after getting caught up in the “vacation high” that people get. I would suggest that you pull back and allow him to get used to being back home, and then reach out to him in a few days.
Lori Blanton
September 3, 2021 at 6:12 pm
Me and my ex broke up a year ago. The last few months we have been seeing each other every other weekend. He makes lots of commits like it would be nice if I could just roll over in my bed and you be here every night or when he said that one time I said I’m here as long as you’ll have me and he says plan on a while. Then made regeference to moving off together one time . Now that I made a remark about us as a future then he starts getting cold and told me he still loves me but doesnt know if hes in love with me and until he figures that out he cant promise how the future looks. What is that ?
Sam
July 27, 2021 at 8:59 am
Hello, just need some advice. My fiancé has said he wants to go on a break as we had an argument whilst he was in Cyprus because I get insecure and worried he will find someone better he’s in the marines and said that Cyprus confirmed I will never be ok with his job. He said he feels really overwhelmed and suffocated and needs to realise what he wants out of life and too focus on himself. We have broke up before 4 years ago. We have recently just brought a house too. Which is hard. I don’t really know what to do I still love him and he says he still loves me. But everything is unclear at the moment with us. I have jsut left him to it and not contacted him.
Any advice
S
July 5, 2021 at 1:40 am
Hi,
Pretty confusing story but we broke up and ran into each other a month later. We were at a bar and drunk so obviously not the best place. He came up to me right away and asked about my life and it quickly became flirty. Throughout the night he told me that he loves me, I’m his favourite person, that we will end up together, he wants to be single because he is so lost/confused, and even went as fair as having a little freak out about how he messed up. The next he acted like he had said nothing. Where does this leave me? I know him and believe everything he said was true but am confused/hurt why he went back to no contact?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 11, 2021 at 10:11 pm
Hi S, I think he wants to be single, because he wants to be SINGLE, when seeing you out and living your life mixed with alcohol he’s experienced some old emotions and worried that you could meet someone. Then when he realises that he has your attention. Backed off again.
Miry
July 4, 2021 at 8:47 am
Do you guys still give out advice here? I could really use it
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 4, 2021 at 10:48 pm
Hey Miry, yes we do 🙂
Mary
June 3, 2021 at 10:50 pm
Hi -broke up with my ex early Feb as he could not compromise on location when discussing moving in together . I really love this man & he feels the same . We met recently for a chat he was really broken up & unhappy . He works for his Dad & lives at home . His Dad is a difficult man to work for . I advised him work elsewhere. Which he is doing now. I have chatted to him on phone & bottom line told him he must show commitment find place live otherwise I’m not taking him back . I feel frustrated ,as I have tried everything for him to see light . We are in late 30’s – feel time is not on our side .Any advice ?
Matilda
April 3, 2021 at 1:37 am
My story is like, I had a wonderful relationship with my ex boyfriend, we had lots of fun and the fondest memories. However, things were going down hill after Valentine’s Day. I realised he didn’t love me as much as before, he rarely touched me in a sexual way no matter what I wore (which was impossible in before). I asked so many times, but he never told me the real reason. Two weeks ago, out of the blue, he wrote me a letter to break up with me. Even in the letter, he said a lot of compliments and he said he at the moment didn’t think we were that compatible. And in the ‘break up day’, we just sat on the couch and hold each other’s hand and cuddled until 12am the next day (from 10am). And he cried like a kid. Before he left, he said he still loves me, he cares about me, the breakup is just the best course for now, and he doesn’t know what the future holds. Now we kept sending each other good morning / good night message, we agreed to keep this habit. We still catch up during the day, multiple times, most of the time he replied instantly. And both of us keep using our nicknames in the chatting app. We don’t call each other by pet names, but we haven’t changed each other’s name in the app. He said he wasn’t avoiding me, and to some extent, I know he still cares about me. Like he’s asking what did I do, or how my work’s going, and he still remembers to check my cat..and we still tell all sort of inside jokes and inside memes. it has been two weeks, he still doesn’t wanna come back with me, he doesn’t want to see me in person at this stage tho I suggested twice. But he said he opened to the option that we may see each other in the next couple of days. He is a very busy person with lots responsibilities, when I talked about getting back together yesterday on the phone, he said he couldn’t give me an answer now, because he was tired and not have the capability and energy to think such an important question. I know he’s having a hard time as well. When I talked about the things I shouldn’t do or did wrong in the past relationship, he responded to it very well and he said he accepted my apologies. Is there a chance we can go back together? Is it just a matter of time?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
April 21, 2021 at 9:25 pm
Hi Matilda, if you work on yourself and hope that he is spending this time working on himself too then there is a chance. But for not you need to focus on getting over the break up and working on yourself. Stick with a no contact for at least 45 days before reaching out with one of Chris’ text suggestions.
Alexa
February 4, 2021 at 11:56 am
I have a question, me and my ex bf broke up almost a month ago, the reason for our breakup was that I’m very insecure and my controlling behavior led to our breakup. I did NC for 2 weeks and we met yesterday. We discussed all the issues that we had in our relationship and we also found solutions for that, and after that we slept together. When I asked him that what are we now, he told me that its open now we are not giving it any name or label and lets take things slow and see if we are actually implementing the solutions that we have discussed and if it feels that yes it is working then we will think about being in a relationship. He also said that he doesn’t want to go back the same relationship as it has issues and he needs to start everything new after really changing our behavior.
He was very loving and caring yesterday and we had a fun time, he shared his feelings with me and all the small bits also that he went through in the past 2 weeks when we were not talking. I’m confused now because I still love him and I said yes for everything he suggested but now all I can think about is what does he really want, does he want me back or not.
I wish you can give me your thoughts about this. Thank you
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
February 6, 2021 at 5:05 pm
Hi Alexa, so the biggest issue in your relationship was your controlling and insecurities, so you need to work on these factors before getting back with your ex or into another relationship in the future. As the patterns will continue to repeat themselves. When you have worked on yourself, you can then start reaching out to your ex showing that you are in a better place and more secure. A confident person is more attractive than an insecure one keep that in mind.
Anonymous
January 17, 2021 at 6:16 pm
I don’t really do this kind of stuffs but I am desperate to hear advices since this lockdown is making it so hard. I’m in long distance relationship with my ex since 2018. Our timelines being together was always smooth. We had some on and off space happened last year Started feb 2020 and made everything back on in october 2020. We don’t really had big arguments since then not until december. It was my fault coz of my doubts and we manage to fix it in a day And We normally talk things calmly then on january i did something again to make arguments with him and my doubts eaten me to decide of breaking up with him, it was an impulsive decision and i regret it. I made him mad Coz of the things i said and so he decided to agree and blocked me. After 3 days i emailed him for a proper apology then on the same day he responded properly as well and acknowledge everything , he did also say sorry but then he made some thinking And hoping it wont disappoint me that his not ready for a relationship or any Type of relationship even thou he loves me and Want a life with me. He also says that we can still talk if I want Too and see how things go But then I replied that I respect His decision and Told him that I think its better for this to end since this happened back 2 yrs ago Again. Before i accepted it and made it back but this time i have a really intense feelings towards him so i dont think i can be able to accept his decision this time so I decided to let it end properly. I Told him I love him so much, I truly really do coz his a good man but my mind just keep telling Me that i cant be around with someone who’s not the same page as i am As what I said to him . I know I have faults and it making me paralyze right now. I really do love him and hoping he would change his decision so i would also change mine. He didn’t respond from my last email i sent which I understand. But It’s really hard and I wish you can give any ideas or thoughts about me on this. Thank you.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
January 18, 2021 at 9:34 pm
Hi there, so from what I have read is that he is not going to be able to give you what you want from a relationship so you ended things. Regardless of how you feel about him you are putting you first. This is 110% the right thing to do and you make the right decision to end things fully. If you need time to move passed him you are allowed to follow the NC rules until you feel that you are over him, or that he decides he is willing to commit and give you the things you want.
Bianca
December 2, 2020 at 9:10 pm
I have a question …. have you tried any of these on someone who has been diagnosed with Aspergers as their thought process is completely different to that of a neurotypical person? We were engaged and he ended it out of the blue with no warning signs however we have been seeing each other without a title for the last 6 or so months. He says he “doesn’t know if he wants to be with me or anyone” and he doesn’t know how long it will take to figure that out, however he says he doesn’t want to lose me, we talk constantly and see each other weekly and are intimate with each other … how would one go about getting him to commit?
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
December 4, 2020 at 10:15 pm
Hi Bianca, so I would suggest that you stop sleeping with him when you are not in an official relationship. Explaining to him that you need more than what it is at this point. While he does not know what he wants then you must think of yourself and step back until he does.
Melissa
September 8, 2020 at 1:20 pm
I have a slight problem and question. My ex and i after we were done playing board games online with other friends. He told me he was very proud of me because i accomplished a lot like moving, becoming a certified medical coder and holding down a job despite the pandemic even though me and him are not romantically involved (i really want us to be involved romantically of course) I thanked him for the nice compliments. He also said he still cares for me. I am so confused, i want my ex back and have no idea what to do or say. I am worried i am going to say something wrong and get rejected or worse he avoids me. Please help any advice would do.
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
September 11, 2020 at 8:59 pm
Hey Melissa, so it sounds like you are in the friendzone, so you need to start introducing meet ups with your ex. Just the two of you and increasing the romantic settings that you meet. Start off small (coffee date) and work up to full on meals. Do not mention the relationship, let him just feel it out himself and see if you can attract him back through talking with him and spending time with him
Sarah
July 31, 2020 at 8:52 am
Please help. I’m feeling used & discarded. I was in a LDR (4hrs apart) for 5 mths. I was a little insecure he hadn’t fully moved on from his previous relationship (5yrs which ended 4-6mths before we got together). He assured me he had but I felt compared. He broke up with me saying he loved me, I deserved better, he wasn’t sure what he wanted, he had to much going on, I’m beautiful & he took all the blame etc. After the break up he came to drop my things & stayed 2hrs. We also spoke a couple of times a week for 1.5hrs each time. He was receptive to my calls & said he loved & missed me. I started NC a fortnight ago when he came up with a family commitment excuse why he couldn’t visit like he had said he would. I’m utterly confused. I feel used, discarded & forgotten from someone who I thought loved & cared about me.
Where do I go from here???
EBR Team Member: Shaunna
July 31, 2020 at 10:58 am
Hi Sarah, you need to start and follow the rules of No Contact and not speak to your ex for at least 30 days. Work on yourself and your holy trinity to show your ex what he walked away from and let him miss you