Ex-boyfriends can be so confusing….

One minute they are hot and the next they are cold.

They tell you they like you, but they don’t love you; that they love you but they aren’t in love with you; that they love you but they just aren’t ready for a commitment.

What does all this mean?

Does he really love you?

What is he really thinking?

How can you get him to commit?…

This article is going to teach you what your ex-boyfriend really means when he says he loves you but just won’t commit.

I am going to show you:-

  1. Why the time your ex said it matters.
  2. Why your ex is avoiding commitment.
  3. What you can do to win your ex back and get him to commit.

Why Your Ex Boyfriend Told You He Loves You (But Hasn’t Committed Yet)

So your ex told you he loves you but won’t commit. This happens all the time with ex-boyfriends for all kinds of reasons. I can assure you that I have pretty much heard them all by now.

Before we dive into details let’s start by talking about when he told you he loves you because this makes a big difference as to how he is feeling now.

He said I love you whilst you were dating

If your ex-boyfriend told you he loves you whilst you are dating then I can say with almost 100% certainty that he meant it. A guy will build up the courage to tell a girl he loves her for a while before those words fall out of his mouth, it’s a big deal telling a girl you love her, so guys take it verrrrrrry seriously.

So that is great news!…because if he fell in love with you once then he can fall in love with you twice!

There is a downside though, now you are broken up those feelings he had for you aren’t as strong as they once were. You are going to have to assume that after you broke up any feelings your ex-boyfriend had whilst you were together have reduced significantly.

Don’t worry, this is not going to be a problem as you are going to be starting afresh in a new relationship with your ex-boyfriend before getting him to commit.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

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He said I love you during the breakup

This one is tough, if your ex said I love you during the breakup there is only a 50/50 chance that it is true and we will explore the reasons why he might say that in a little bit.
There is a silver lining though, if your ex said he loves you and didn’t mean it then he was trying to spare your feelings during the breakup which means he still cares about you.

He said I love you after the breakup

If your ex-boyfriend says he loves you after the breakup either during the no-contact period or when you are texting then there is a fair to good chance your ex is still in love with you.

This begs the question “why do I think he still loves you even though you are broken up????”…. well ex-boyfriend’s don’t just go around telling girls they love them if they don’t generally mean it, like I said earlier, telling a girl you love her is a big deal.

You see, I think guys get a bad reputation when it comes to romance and commitment generally but most men really do want a long term relationships as much as women do- your ex just needs to be certain he is with the right woman before he commits.

As you can see the chances that your ex loved you or still loves you are quite high but there are all kinds of reasons why he won’t commit to you but as with all things on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery…. I’ve got your back so there’s no need to panic, together we have everything under control!

Reasons For Why An Ex Might NOT Want To Commit

Now that we have covered when your ex-boyfriend told you he loves you, let’s take you through the reasons why an ex might still not want to commit.

Scared of getting hurt

If you had a nasty breakup with your ex-boyfriend that was caused by cheating or something really major then the reason he won’t commit is most likely because he is struggling to trust you.

If you cheated on your ex-boyfriend then he is probably still really hurt by the breakup and is finding it hard to trust you. It is normal that he will feel very cautious about making things official with you just in case history repeats itself.

There are two factors that make an ex-boyfriend distrust you are:-

  1. You have let them down in the past.
  2. They don’t feel a strong connection with you anymore.

In circumstances like this your ex-boyfriend can still feel love for you but sometimes it can be overshadowed by the fear of getting hurt, when this happens he is going to avoid committing to you.

No long-term future

Have you ever heard the phrase “timing is everything”?

I am a huge believer that sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time in your life.

You should think of this category as the big bucket of incompatibilities, obstacles and other priorities that come up in a relationship.

It is very common for couples to breakup because an ex-boyfriend thinks they have no long-term future together, sometimes it’s because of things such as having different views on having children or focusing on a career. Sometimes breakups can happen because you live at opposite ends of the country and it can even be caused by your ex-boyfriend believing that your lifestyle’s are not compatible.

The two reasons an ex-boyfriend might not see a long-term future in a relationship are:-

  1. That the relationship is difficult to juggle against other priorities
  2. That he doesn’t see you as sharing the same dreams for your lives

When either of these occur, an ex-boyfriend is going to avoid further commitment with you.

The thing is, I noticed a really interesting fact about relationship obstacles …and that is that they are generally not the reason couple’s breakup or why an ex-boyfriend won’t commit.

I have actually been in a long-distance relationship and that’s a pretty big obstacle to overcome, but the surprising part is that I was willing to deal with the time we had apart because of how I felt in the relationship.

You see, relationships are pretty straight forward when it comes to obstacles and priorities. If your ex-boyfriend likes you more than the inconvenience the obstacle causes then he is going to be okay with progressing the relationship further and having more commitment, but if the obstacle outweighs how strongly he feels about you then he is going to avoid commitment….. this means to win him back and get him to commit, it all boils down to attraction!


This one isn’t a nice one, but you know I always tell you straight.

There is a small chance your ex-boyfriend said I love you and his reason was pretty shallow and that reason was that he doesn’t love you….. he lusts you!

So why would he do this?

When an ex-boyfriend breaks up with you he think’s “Did I make the right choice? What if I don’t find someone else?” and then panics and decides “I best keep her sweet just in case

I am still single in six months…. Then we can hook up”

If you ex-boyfriend won’t commit because he lusts you, then he is looking to keep you lined up for a friends with benefits arrangement.

If your ex does this it’s a really horrible move on his part!

Mr Nice Guy

Ahhhh good old Mr Nice-Guy.

I bet you all know him, right?

This ex-boyfriend always says and does the right thing to make you feel like there I no reason you should be apart. You guys probably had a pretty amicable breakup, he might even say something like “I love you but I am not in love with you” or “I love you more like a friend” or perhaps even “I love you but I don’t know what I want. It’s not you it’s me.”

So why would this ex say he loves you? Well he might have said it during the breakup to stop you from feeling so upset. Saying he loves you softens the blow of the breakup, and stops you from thinking that the whole relationship was a fallacy.

This ex-boyfriend probably broke up with you due to a lack of chemistry and for this reason he might put you in the friendzone.

Grass Is Greener Syndrome

Remember the Grass Is Greener Syndrome….?

I talk about it really often on Ex-Boyfriend Recovery and I cover it in in a lot of depth in my Pro book.

The Grass is Greener Syndrome occurs when you have been in a relationship with your boyfriend for a while and then he starts to feel that there might be better options out in the dating world than you, when this happens you breakup.

Your ex can say he loves you and still have the Grass is Greener Syndrome if he knows he has experienced stronger feelings for other previous ex-girlfriends.
OUCH!……. that has got to be tough to read but you know I always have a solution because the grass isn’t greener so keep on reading!

I am sure some of my readers might be thinking “My ex-boyfriend is just a commitment-phobe and that’s not on the list!!!”

I had a think about this and the commitment-phobe is the kind of ex-boyfriend who enjoys dating; he has a fear of commitment to the wrong woman rather than a fear of committing to a relationship.

This is why many of you have had ex-boyfriends in the past who said they weren’t looking for a relationship but then immediately afterwards announced they are engaged or moving in with another woman.

The commitment-phobe will still fall into one of the five categories above so for that reason I haven’t listed it separately.

Handling a commitment-phobe requires exactly the same approach to an ordinary breakup so you can follow the steps that we will cover next.

Here Is How You Are Going To Get Him To Commit To You

If you have an ex-boyfriend that is afraid of getting hurt by you then you need to work on building trust with your ex.

As I mentioned earlier there are two reasons an ex-boyfriend might not trust you.

  1. They feel you have let them down in the past
  2. The don’t feel a strong connection to you anymore

I am going to teach you how to show your ex-boyfriend that you can be trusted after you have let them down.

What you will need to do is follow this very simple 4 step process…

To figure out what kind of apology you need to make try taking a look at the article “My ex-boyfriend blames me for the breakup” which will give you some good tips on how to apologize and the sort of apology you need to make.

If your ex-boyfriend doesn’t trust you because of cheating, please make sure you cut all contact with the person you cheated on them with! This is a no-brainer but it’s worth mentioning just in case.

The next stage to building trust is to be open, now if you cheated on your ex-boyfriend or maybe suffered from something like an addiction then he is probably going to be worried about who you are talking to on your phone, where you are going out, what you are spending your money on, what time you will be home etc. The easiest way to get around this is to allow him to see your phone on days when he is feeling insecure, I’m going to stress this is only in the short-term until he trusts you again.

If your ex-boyfriend is worried about who you are spending time with or where you are spending it, a good way to make him feel more comfortable with the situation is to invite him along so he can see that you aren’t meeting other guys behind his back or slipping back into old habits.

I understand that allowing your ex-boyfriend to check up on you is going to be frustrating, but it’s worthwhile reminding yourself that it will be worth it in the long-term when he feels comfortable enough making a commitment to your relationship.

The third point in the plan is to always be honest with him. Your ex-boyfriend might want details about absolutely anything, things such as “Where you are going?” or “Why you couldn’t answer your phone earlier?” or “have you been drinking?”, when he does I recommend you always be honest with him.

Hiding facts from an ex-boyfriend has a tendency to backfire, exes have a sixth sense about lying so avoid it all costs.

The final point on the 4 step process is to have integrity.

What does this actually mean though?

Well integrity goes beyond having morals and values, it means actually living them.

What you want to do is demonstrate to your ex-boyfriend that not only do you know what it means to be trustworthy, but that you actually behave in a way that is trustworthy too.

You might recall that I said earlier there were two reasons an ex-boyfriend avoid commitment when he is scared of getting hurt.

When you ex-boyfriend feels he doesn’t have the same strong connection to you then the obvious step to take is to rekindle the connection he has to you.

But what does that mean?….. it means increase the level of attraction he feels for you of course…… it’s those pesky scales again!

His attraction for you must outweigh his fear of getting hurt.

To increase his attraction for you apply the principles I outline in the next section as these are universal and apply to all of the commitment scenarios.

What Are Your Chances of Getting Your Ex Boyfriend Back?

Take the quiz

If your ex is in the other groups

When your ex-boyfriend won’t commit for any reason including the fear of getting hurt then you need to work on building the attraction between you.

There are two types of attraction you will have to work on increasing:-

  1. Physical attraction
  2. Emotional attraction

The first one I won’t focus on too much as there are already articles on becoming the Ungettable Girl, but as a quick recap you have to look after yourself and stay healthy. Workout, eat properly, perhaps get a makeover and make sure you are looking a million dollars. Make sure you are posting lots of pictures of how fantastic you look so your ex and any mutual friends can see.

The second point about emotional attraction is the part you should give the most attention to when trying to get your ex-boyfriend to commit to you and I am going to talk about this in a lot more detail.

Why do you need to focus on emotional attraction?…… because when it comes to physical attraction you just have to be attractive enough to catch your ex-boyfriends eye, looks alone aren’t enough to hold his attention long-term, this is why you need to work on the emotional attraction too.

I bet that’s a big surprise for some of you right? I know a lot of you were probably thinking that looks mattered the most.

As always I have done plenty of research and found two amazing ways that you can use to increase the level of emotional attraction your ex-boyfriend feels towards you which are:-

  1. Increased investments
  2. Deeper conversations

Let’s start off by talking about increased investments.

Increased Investment

Getting your ex-boyfriend to make a series of small scale investments in you is a good way to increase the level of attraction he is going to feel towards you, and the more attracted he is, the happier he is going to be making a commitment to your relationship.

The sort of investments you might get him to make include:-

  • Getting him to answer your texts
  • Giving you a recommendation for a purchase
  • Helping you to fix something that’s broken
  • Buying you flowers or a gift
  • Taking you on a date or a trip

You will notice that some of those are more serious than others, this is on purpose. To get your ex-boyfriend to commit, you want to start with the easy ones like answering texts and slowly build up to a big investment like a date or a trip.

A fantastic way to get him to make small investments is to ensure each one is fun and engaging for him.

Now I am going to share with you a clever trick I leant…..

Have you ever played a computer game?

Don’t you think they are so addictive?

Wouldn’t it be amazing if you could get your ex to feel that way about investing in you?

You are dying to know what this trick is aren’t you?

What you can do to get your ex-boyfriend addicted to making these small investments into your relationship is use something called Gamification.

This is a fancy geek word meaning that you give your ex-boyfriend tiny rewards for his investments along the way towards commitment (as long as the reward isn’t sex).

I have to admit that I can spend hours playing computer games by myself so when I discovered that there was a way to recreate that addictive feeling I was blown away and knew I had to use it in Ex-Boyfriend Recovery!

To get you started with getting your first little investment from your ex-boyfriend, I am going to show you a new type of text that you can use in the early stages of texting.

This text is going to make him feel like investing time in you is as much fun as playing on his computer because I have applied the principles of gamification!

I call this “The Three Guesses Text”, because you are going to give your ex three guesses as to why you are texting him.

You see what the text does is combine the following cool elements that are going to make your ex-boyfriend to reply.

  • It’s playful without being overly flirtatious
  • It tells your ex-boyfriend that he is going to enjoy texting you
  • It turns texting into a fun game where he could win or lose something something…. Your approval!
  • He makes three separate little investments in answering your one text message
  • You can say he has impressed you, that compliment is his reward.

How this text differs from the “Guess what” texts I have in the program already is that they are a way of getting your ex-boyfriends initial attention when you come out of no-contact, whereas The Three Guesses Text is designed to increase his attraction towards you and is better suited for when you have been out of no-contact for couple of weeks or more.

Deeper conversations

Recently I discovered that when you are having a conversation with your ex-boyfriend you can deepen the level of attraction he feels for you just by slowly shifting how you speak to him during the conversation. Isn’t that incredible?!

The second technique that I am exclusively about to share with you is something you can use in both your text messages and your phone calls to your ex-boyfriend and it will gradually increase your ex-boyfriends attraction for you and this is what is going to make him want to commit to a relationship.

What I have learned is that there are four separate levels of conversation…

The interesting thing about this is, that the level of conversation we have is determined by how well we know and like someone.

Here is what I mean..

Small talk is something we can talk to anyone about, it can be a stranger in a shop or on a bus.

Swapping facts is the sort of thing we talk about with people we are loosely acquainted with and is the sort of conversation you might have on a first date

Discussing opinions tends to be something you talk about with people you know well such as friends or colleagues.

Lastly, sharing feelings in a conversation is generally reserved for family members and romantic relationships.

Why is this useful information???

Well by starting off with small talk and working your way through each of the levels towards discussing feelings, your ex-boyfriend will automatically feel closer to you… and what does closeness mean? That’s right…. ATTRACTION!

Using this technique to make him feel closer to you is going to make him feel like he is already your boyfriend again and want to explicitly commit to the relationship.

Here’s an example of how you might shift a conversation through each of the levels.

What to Read Next

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175 thoughts on “My Ex Boyfriend Told Me He Loves Me But Won’t Commit”

  1. Avatar


    February 4, 2021 at 11:56 am

    I have a question, me and my ex bf broke up almost a month ago, the reason for our breakup was that I’m very insecure and my controlling behavior led to our breakup. I did NC for 2 weeks and we met yesterday. We discussed all the issues that we had in our relationship and we also found solutions for that, and after that we slept together. When I asked him that what are we now, he told me that its open now we are not giving it any name or label and lets take things slow and see if we are actually implementing the solutions that we have discussed and if it feels that yes it is working then we will think about being in a relationship. He also said that he doesn’t want to go back the same relationship as it has issues and he needs to start everything new after really changing our behavior.
    He was very loving and caring yesterday and we had a fun time, he shared his feelings with me and all the small bits also that he went through in the past 2 weeks when we were not talking. I’m confused now because I still love him and I said yes for everything he suggested but now all I can think about is what does he really want, does he want me back or not.
    I wish you can give me your thoughts about this. Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 6, 2021 at 5:05 pm

      Hi Alexa, so the biggest issue in your relationship was your controlling and insecurities, so you need to work on these factors before getting back with your ex or into another relationship in the future. As the patterns will continue to repeat themselves. When you have worked on yourself, you can then start reaching out to your ex showing that you are in a better place and more secure. A confident person is more attractive than an insecure one keep that in mind.

  2. Avatar


    January 17, 2021 at 6:16 pm

    I don’t really do this kind of stuffs but I am desperate to hear advices since this lockdown is making it so hard. I’m in long distance relationship with my ex since 2018. Our timelines being together was always smooth. We had some on and off space happened last year Started feb 2020 and made everything back on in october 2020. We don’t really had big arguments since then not until december. It was my fault coz of my doubts and we manage to fix it in a day And We normally talk things calmly then on january i did something again to make arguments with him and my doubts eaten me to decide of breaking up with him, it was an impulsive decision and i regret it. I made him mad Coz of the things i said and so he decided to agree and blocked me. After 3 days i emailed him for a proper apology then on the same day he responded properly as well and acknowledge everything , he did also say sorry but then he made some thinking And hoping it wont disappoint me that his not ready for a relationship or any Type of relationship even thou he loves me and Want a life with me. He also says that we can still talk if I want Too and see how things go But then I replied that I respect His decision and Told him that I think its better for this to end since this happened back 2 yrs ago Again. Before i accepted it and made it back but this time i have a really intense feelings towards him so i dont think i can be able to accept his decision this time so I decided to let it end properly. I Told him I love him so much, I truly really do coz his a good man but my mind just keep telling Me that i cant be around with someone who’s not the same page as i am As what I said to him . I know I have faults and it making me paralyze right now. I really do love him and hoping he would change his decision so i would also change mine. He didn’t respond from my last email i sent which I understand. But It’s really hard and I wish you can give any ideas or thoughts about me on this. Thank you.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      January 18, 2021 at 9:34 pm

      Hi there, so from what I have read is that he is not going to be able to give you what you want from a relationship so you ended things. Regardless of how you feel about him you are putting you first. This is 110% the right thing to do and you make the right decision to end things fully. If you need time to move passed him you are allowed to follow the NC rules until you feel that you are over him, or that he decides he is willing to commit and give you the things you want.

  3. Avatar


    December 2, 2020 at 9:10 pm

    I have a question …. have you tried any of these on someone who has been diagnosed with Aspergers as their thought process is completely different to that of a neurotypical person? We were engaged and he ended it out of the blue with no warning signs however we have been seeing each other without a title for the last 6 or so months. He says he “doesn’t know if he wants to be with me or anyone” and he doesn’t know how long it will take to figure that out, however he says he doesn’t want to lose me, we talk constantly and see each other weekly and are intimate with each other … how would one go about getting him to commit?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 4, 2020 at 10:15 pm

      Hi Bianca, so I would suggest that you stop sleeping with him when you are not in an official relationship. Explaining to him that you need more than what it is at this point. While he does not know what he wants then you must think of yourself and step back until he does.

  4. Avatar


    September 8, 2020 at 1:20 pm

    I have a slight problem and question. My ex and i after we were done playing board games online with other friends. He told me he was very proud of me because i accomplished a lot like moving, becoming a certified medical coder and holding down a job despite the pandemic even though me and him are not romantically involved (i really want us to be involved romantically of course) I thanked him for the nice compliments. He also said he still cares for me. I am so confused, i want my ex back and have no idea what to do or say. I am worried i am going to say something wrong and get rejected or worse he avoids me. Please help any advice would do.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      September 11, 2020 at 8:59 pm

      Hey Melissa, so it sounds like you are in the friendzone, so you need to start introducing meet ups with your ex. Just the two of you and increasing the romantic settings that you meet. Start off small (coffee date) and work up to full on meals. Do not mention the relationship, let him just feel it out himself and see if you can attract him back through talking with him and spending time with him

  5. Avatar


    July 31, 2020 at 8:52 am

    Please help. I’m feeling used & discarded. I was in a LDR (4hrs apart) for 5 mths. I was a little insecure he hadn’t fully moved on from his previous relationship (5yrs which ended 4-6mths before we got together). He assured me he had but I felt compared. He broke up with me saying he loved me, I deserved better, he wasn’t sure what he wanted, he had to much going on, I’m beautiful & he took all the blame etc. After the break up he came to drop my things & stayed 2hrs. We also spoke a couple of times a week for 1.5hrs each time. He was receptive to my calls & said he loved & missed me. I started NC a fortnight ago when he came up with a family commitment excuse why he couldn’t visit like he had said he would. I’m utterly confused. I feel used, discarded & forgotten from someone who I thought loved & cared about me.
    Where do I go from here???

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 31, 2020 at 10:58 am

      Hi Sarah, you need to start and follow the rules of No Contact and not speak to your ex for at least 30 days. Work on yourself and your holy trinity to show your ex what he walked away from and let him miss you

  6. Avatar


    July 5, 2020 at 6:35 pm

    Hi there, I cheated on my ex and split last September then I moved out in November, we have been in touch ever since and fallen out a few times. He now wants to come to his all the time but will not speak about how he feels or make a commitment. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how he feels or it it can be sorted?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      July 6, 2020 at 6:12 pm

      Hey S, I would suggest that you focus on building your connection again but avoid having any intimacy until you are in a relationship, you need to understand that you broke his trust when you cheated so when he wont discuss his feelings or give you some sort of commitment this is his insecurity. You need to work on the value ladder so that he is investing time in you again and trust grows

  7. Avatar


    March 30, 2020 at 3:30 am

    We broke up 2 weeks ago after slowly more and more distance grew between us. He had a lot of problems in his own life that made him unable to be happy in a relationship and asked for space (which I failed to give him and severely regret it) and he initiated a breakup. Since then we apologized to each other and took responsibility for our parts in ruining the relationship. We casually talk on the phone every few days and he tells me he loves me at the end of every phone call still, but he posted a pic of him with a girl the other day. Is this just a show for the world? I can’t imagine he actually moved on so fast. What are the odds we could reconcile and get back together? We had 2 years together and talked about marriage and kids and living together too 🙁

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      April 8, 2020 at 9:51 am

      hi Ashley if he moved on this quickly and hasnt dealt with the things that he told you he was going through then this is a rebound that is filling the void for his relationship with you, it will end just as fast as it started so do not worry about that so much, for now you need to follow a 45 day nc and spend some time on yourself working on your holy trinity and then reach out starting the being there method

  8. Avatar

    Ken Concepcion

    March 7, 2020 at 12:57 am


    I want some help, Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years but now we broke up last January 27, its been 1 month since it happened. I initiated the break up because I feel like he doesnt care to me anymore, he found a new job on November and since then we barely talk to each other. We barely see each other and we always got into fights and arguments then we cool off for days then we communicate again forgive each other and be couples again and then fight again. But what is the reason why we are fighting? Because ever since we started our relationship his pride is bigger than him. And sometimes his friends is more important than me because he would rather hang out with them than to be with me eventhough we barely see each other. But he always says he loves me so much. I dont know if thats his personality, or did I expect too much of him. Because when he is courting me he seems so nice and gentleman but now its gone. I am so dissappointed.

    But eventhough we broke up he still contact me, he get jealous when other guys text me or talk to me. He still cares and said take care of myself always. Because we dont know what the future holds and maybe one day we will be together again. But he dont wanna see me now he said we will see each other again but not sure when. Then last night i asked him if he still love me, but he sAid he dont want to answer bec. he had reasons and he dont want to tell it to me. So i felt very mad, and said to him, I dont want to waste my time with you, and I dont need your reasons. And I said Ill find someone else, and he said Ill also find someone else to be fair. Did I hurt him?
    Or is it too early to asked him that when we are on the process of healing?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      March 18, 2020 at 3:26 am

      Hi Ken so you went in too quickly with the emotional side of things. Start with a no contact again and reach out to your ex with a basic text that you are trying to just have a friendly conversation to start re building your connection

  9. Avatar


    February 18, 2020 at 1:04 am

    Hi there,
    I really need some advice.
    My ex boyfriend broke up with me in October after another argument. We always bickered – the joys of two stubborn people falling in love.
    I was distraught and felt quite blindsided by the split. I begged for him back. I did everything you’re not supposed to. But then I stopped. He moved on, and later reached out to me in December asking if I still wanted him back. I was honest and said yes, and he admitted to still loving me (all the while, he was dating someone else). I then stopped speaking to him again, and since, he has left her and according to the girl, a big part of it was because he kept speaking about me to her, and obviously to me. I have seen him a few times. On the last occasion, he told me he wanted to give it another go and get back together. Two days later he changed his mind and we have been arguing ever since. He is adamant that he wants to be single (even though I know he is speaking to other girls), but he still professes to me how much he loves, cares and misses me. What do I do? Do I just step back completely and run in the other direction? No contact? What next? I am obviously still in love with him and this back and forth is destroying me.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 22, 2020 at 5:56 pm

      Hi Elle, so if he is telling you he loves you and wants to be with you but is entertaining other girls online or in person then his actions are not meeting his words. He could be confused, still having feelings for you and struggling to let the relationship go but he also could be trying to keep you available to him. I do suggest that you make it appear, or even if you’re up for it start dating other guys casually if he hears that you could be moving on it will force him to take action. Do not accept “I want to be with you”… unless he gets back into a relationship with you and is committed to you keep appearing to be moving on with other guys.

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    February 10, 2020 at 5:18 pm

    Hi, i hope you can give me some advice. We were together for 4 years, we lived together for half a year. He broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We didnt have any particular problem, just small things, that can be easily talked over and solved. 3 month ago he started to keep distance, we didnt talked as much as we used to. At january he broke up with me after he took a night out at weekdays, he didnt arrive Home until 8 am, didnt text me that he is ok, or anything. I am sure i managed it wrong and faulted him, but after that he broke up, because he doesnt love me like he used to, he wants to have his own life and he cant give me what i want, and the care he think i need. (after 4 years, often i dreamt about our life together, even his workmate mentioned him, that it is maybe time for him to ask me). He said he is not feel like he want to be married, and probably its better for both of us is we broke up. After the break up we met every week for talk, i was the one who asked for talking. He wanted us to talk usual things, what happened to him and things like this. I asked if we can met sometimes, he said we can,that he never said we shouldnt, but he dont know if its right for me. Since the break up, he always party and drink, he is never alone, not even weekdays. I dont know what should i do. I love him, and i think he got afraid over things, that are actually not even a problem. I know he would regret his decesion, but it could take years.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      February 15, 2020 at 5:43 pm

      Hey Sarah, if you work on yourself and read the materials to become Ungettable and apply them to your life, using social media and mutual friends as tools to get this “new you” information back to him, it is likely he is going to show interest in you eventually. But you need to make sure that you are focus on making sure you are happy in life.

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    December 17, 2019 at 5:32 pm

    Hi, really hope you can give me some advice. My ex and I were together 5 years and very serious about one another and our future. We are in our mid 20’s and over the course of the last year we have dealt with a lot of change in relation to his career which I have found challenging to deal with. I didn’t realise the impact it was having on me but I became very difficult in the relationship and took everything out on him while also making it look like we wanted very different things. In August, a month into the very new intense job he had moved to he broke up with me saying he clearly couldn’t make me happy anymore and that we seemed to be on different life paths. I was devastated and knowing that the impressions I had given were wrong took myself to therapy to understand my behaviour. Over the course of the last four months I have done a lot of work on myself and have spent time doing things I never would have before (such as travelling abroad alone etc) but knowing that I want to be with him.

    From day one of the breakup I decided not to reach out for him but we live nearby one another and ended up bumping into each other one week into the breakup and then week 3, and 5. During these times we had really short but nice conversations. A month and a half in we met properly to speak about everything. I explained everything I had learnt in therapy and the progress I had made and how we weren’t on different life paths and he did make me happy. He listened and said he could see I had changed and is still in love with me he just isn’t mentally ready to be back in a relationship with not just me but anyone. He said to be able to give our relationship another go for both our sakes he would need to be 100% sure it was the right thing for both of us because he wouldn’t want to ever break up again. We went back to no contact but we met up again several weeks later for a coffee to catchup and then again several weeks later we hung out for an afternoon and went to a museum together. Both of these meetings were initiated by him as wanting to catchup and in both we talked about what a future relationship for us would look like and I spoke about how different it could be. On both occasions he told me he is very much in love with me and finds himself missing me more and more as time goes by but that he doesn’t feel ready to get back together and therefore understands I need to move on. While I realise that this sounds as if he is trying to have his cake and eat it by seeing me, he is not like that at all and I have been able to see his pain very clearly and can see how conflicted he clearly feels. He says that he knew when breaking up with me he had to make peace with the idea I could meet someone else which is a thought he says he torments himself with on a daily basis but also knows it would be unfair to me for him to go back into this unless he is 100% sure he is ready. Right now he is focusing on getting used to this very intense job he is now in and gaining back his independence and after being together for so long.

    On that last meeting he said that we can’t meet without a purpose and that he thinks we should meet in January and have that as an ultimatum for whether we move forwards together or stop meeting up. He suggested that we have one last meeting before Christmas to do something nice together – we had the weekend just gone. He planned a really lovely Christmas activity for us (something he knew I Ioved) followed by a beautiful dinner at one our favourite haunts. He insisted on paying for everything and said it was his Christmas present to me. We had a very romantic night, we ended up kissing and holding hands for most of it. When this first happened he clearly freaked out and when we talked about it he said he hadn’t intended for that to happen and doesn’t want to be unfair to me because he knows he still wants to wait until January to make a decision. I reassured him that it was a two way thing and that if I didn’t want to kiss him I wouldn’t. We went on to have a lovely dinner and drinks, when we talked about our future he said again that he is still in love with me but that his life is very different now with his job (he has virtually no free time) and that he has enjoyed gaining back some independence but also knows how much he misses me and is conflicted. We ended the evening with the agreement to meet in January to decide what to do and loosely said that we would text to wish each other Happy Christmas and New Year over the holidays. What would you advice I do over the next 3 weeks, would you suggest not contacting him at all other than on Christmas Day? I know how conflicted he feels and how desperate he is not to hurt me and therefore he will take making a decision like this very seriously and will not give this another go unless he is 100% sure he is ready to. I worry that having an ultimatum in January makes things feel very pressured and that over the holidays this thought will scare him and convince him he isn’t 100% ready and therefore cannot try to give it another go. Please advise!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 22, 2019 at 4:14 pm

      Hi Olivia, so over this holiday period, I would allow him to make the majority of the moves allowing him to miss you and if he wants to talk to you he can and you reply politely. It is difficult as you are not over, you’re more in limbo but I would limited no contact him just so that he can miss you and reach out to you if he wants to, to show that you are not going to chase him either

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    December 2, 2019 at 8:23 pm

    This is definitely helpful. Right now I’m in the no contact phase. Ex broke up with me November 7 and haven’t talked to him since. We met in March and have been friends, friends with benefits, dated, broke up and repeat for the last 9/10 months. He broke up with me because he said he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore that his feeling’s changed but that he loves me enough to let me go and still cares alot about me. He mentioned trying to be friends again eventually but I’m not sure. He said alot that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship (Yet he asked me to “date”) he doesn’t have his self together and I think that really bothers him. He mentioned he wants to possibly try again in a a year or whatever but idk if he just said that for my sake or if he really meant it.

    Him and I are in a tough situation because my best friend is dating (There engaged and we’re both in wedding) my ex’s cousin so no matter what we are going to be around each alot.

    Any advice?

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:05 pm

      Hi Kels so as your life is involved with your exes somewhat, you need to remain in an emotionally controlled state when around him. Showing him that you are not crying or losing sleep over him choosing to not be with you, your sphere of influence is strong with your connection to his family and the fact you are both in the wedding party means you are going to be looking amazing in front of him when the wedding is on and you… ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE HIM YOUR TIME. You can be civil and you can say hello, a nice short chat and move on be the social butterfly in the wedding where you are not in the same place for too long. If he spends the evening following you or trying to be around you be nice but keep yourself strong and composed.

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    December 2, 2019 at 2:58 am

    Hi, first of all thank you for the amazing advice on your page.
    My ex and I broke up in September after just over a year together, we had quite some troubles (both of us were at fault) during our time together. It was mainly communication issues that led to broken trust on both sides. But even until the end although we had big fights, we still laughed a lot together, we still loved one another, we still had an amazing physical connection. He ended it, and he did it in a not very nice way because he felt like it was the only option and although I don’t agree with what he did, I understand how he felt as we had both come close to breaking up a few times. He told me he didn’t want to speak to me for at least six months at the time, and I emailed him a few times, which I know I shouldn’t have. I stopped and after ten days he wrote to me for the first time, apologising for his part in everything and saying I deserved better and he isn’t ready for a serious relationship right now, that he hopes we can be friends and ended with “I love you”. I replied and also apologised for my part, told him I wish that we could share something together and told him I love him too. Since then, I found out that I have been really unwell the whole time we were together and that is largely related to my emotional management during our relationship. I let him know, and he’s said its moved a lot of his feelings, and made him less afraid of us reconnecting, that he can imagine us sharing physical intimacy and affection someday but first we need a solid friendship. That even if it makes a big difference, it doesn’t change everything that happened and he is more focused on himself and having friends and lovers than a serious relationship. Since then we’ve been emailing back and forward, he always tells me he loves me and is sending a lot of love, but he did tell me during the break up that he’s not in love with me anymore and he’s said it once (kind of) since we broke up. I can’t tell why he keeps saying he loves me. I am taking time to reply to him, as well as dropping in nice memories together and talking about things I’m doing differently compared to when we were together. It’s hard, because we live in two different countries now and I don’t know how often we will be able to see each other. When we were together we both agreed that didn’t have to be an issue and we could make it work, but now he’s said that for anything else moving forward and trying to rebuild anything he’s not sure how it will work because of the distance. It’s all quite confusing, because I can’t tell if he still loves me (he says it a lot) but only as a friend now. I also don’t know if we can progress from friendship to lovers to partners again. He wants to take more time with people generally before settling into that kind of commitment with them. Is it possible that he wants to see how things will go with us and will one day consider it if things go well and the obstacles we had are removed? Or is that door closed forever because of the difficulties we already had? I’m also not right now in a place for a serious relationship honestly, but I would like to rebuild it with him in the future one day after being friends and lovers and seeing that we can have better communication together. Thank you

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      December 6, 2019 at 7:46 pm

      Hi Alice, so if you’re not ready for the relationship then follow the process to reach a point you are in regular contact with your ex again (the texting phase) and build yourself up that value chain, if by the time you are talking almost daily you are still not ready for a relationship then that is your answer for you and him. As if you follow this process properly your value invested in each other is growing and should make you want to be with your ex and them with you. Now as you are saying you need to do some self work you also need to read about the Ungettable Girl which is huge part of the process and so important for women to learn about if they want to better themselves

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    November 25, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    Thank you. Myself and my ex were together 2 years and it was not always an easy relationship. There is a 15 year age difference and we both have emotional baggage. We had a very difficult few months and split twice then split again after a third try. We broke contact and I met someone else very quickly, which I regret. We then started contact again and when my brief relationship ended we started seeing more of each other as friends.
    He supported me through a very difficult time and said he wanted to get back together. We both agreed the time wasn’t good but that it was something we hoped might happen. All was fine until a few weeks ago when he became more distant, stopped contacting me as much, was angry with me and generally cold. I asked and he says he is not ambivalent about us and does not know if he would want to get back together. He said it’s not a no or a yes. He is adamant he has not met someone else (my suspicion). However, if I do not contact him he rarely contacts me, he will read messages and ignore them and whilst we have seen each other recently I’ve also suggested meeting for a coffee and he put me off saying he was tired and wanted an early night-and was then on social media at 2am.
    I think really I know the answer. But should I stick with the friendship? I’ve stopped contacting him and he did text after a couple of days but when I replied he just said ok and didn’t really reply to the text I sent. I’m confused and hurt.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 25, 2019 at 4:46 pm

      Hi Missy, so considering your friendship has been going on for a whole and he is distancing himself from you I would assume he has met someone else too but you have no proof of this. If you want to continue your friendship carry on as you are and just be patient with him. If you want to get back with him then you need to being the program, where you start with No Contact

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    November 21, 2019 at 9:41 am

    Hi is this still being monitored at all? Could do with a little advice

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 23, 2019 at 11:45 pm

      Hi Missy yes still being monitored 🙂

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    November 19, 2019 at 1:57 am

    My ex bf and I were together for 3 years. We broke up the first time 4 months into the relationship and we got back together 11 months later. He dumped me again 2 weeks ago because we kept fighting nonstop and my emotions got out of control so I exploded at him which made him want to end things. I told him I want to see a therapist to help me control my emotions and he said “do it for you, not for the relationship”. He also kept saying “its too late to change and fix things”. When I was saying goodbye to him, he said he will always love and miss me, he won’t get over me, he does not want to get with any other girls, and he even kissed me goodbye 3 times. We were already in a long distance relationship, so I have not seen him since we said goodbye. I told him we just need space and a break from each other. We talked a few times after the breakup but every time we talked he was acting awkward and uncomfortable and told me he needs space. I started the no contact and will not talk to him unless he makes the first move. He agreed to see me before I go back home for the holidays, but I am scared he’s not going to want to work things out with me. I am a believer of distance makes the heart grow fonder and I know he was too. I know we are meant to be together, we have so much in common and we are each other’s best friends. It’s been 2 weeks and I have been crying every day since he ended things.

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    November 16, 2019 at 6:16 pm

    Hi, I have split with my partner of 10 years but are still living together until the house sells. It’s very difficult, every few days I get a text saying “love you xxx” and it’s so confusing because he comes home and is horrible to me. He has been very abusive in the past but has asked me to change… I still love him but I’m finding him loving me one day and hating me the next. He makes me feel worthless so I’m not sure why I would consider even giving him another chance. We have 3 children at home so we are kind of living like a family just to try and keep things normal for the kids but we don’t sleep in the same bed.

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      November 18, 2019 at 9:12 pm

      Hey Jenna, from what you’ve said that, this is not a relationship you want to go back into unless he gets into therapy and actually works on himself properly with a professional. It is not healthy for your children to see your relationship if this is how it works as they will learn this behavior themselves. So you are doing the right thing being apart right now. As hard as it is for you hearing him tell you he loves you one day, you need to make it clear he needs to take the correct steps to get you back and start therapy

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    October 15, 2019 at 7:59 am

    Hi. I really need some advise. My ex boyfriend and I were together for 8 years. We loved each other so much over the years, and we love one another still! But our relationship has had its bumps – starting with the fact that there is an age difference. It has never mattered to us! And if he were the older one it would be no problem for anyone else, but I am the older one. His family had a big issue with this in the beginning; and personally I didn’t think it was any of their business! But everything is is everyone’s business in his family. (His parents and everyone in his family older than him were immigrants from another country, and there are cultural differences, so I’ve always tried to respect them – and seek their approval). Most of his family eventually accepted me; except his father has never really liked me (though I don’t know why. He doesn’t speak any english and we have never said one word to one another. But he doesn’t approve of the age difference, even though my boyfriend’s father is 10 years OLDER than his mother! But it’s acceptable for the man to be older which is crap). Over the years we have broken up and got back together a couple of times. But this time it was different. This time, it was unexpected. In the past we have had many arguments and disagreements, but we had been getting along much better over the last year. We had done so many firsts in the last 6-12 months! We had taken a 15 hour road trip to my family reunion and had a blast, went to 6 flags with his family and rode rollercoasters which we both love, went and saw all 3 of our favorite comedians live, went to the Winchester Mystery House and took the tour, so when we got into a fight – at his parents house where he lives – it didn’t seem fatal to me. But the next day when I tried to call him to apologize for my part, he didn’t answer. Knowing how stubborn he can be and that he is quick to need time to himself, I decided to leave him alone (except for a bunch of texts I should never send – but always do!) We didn’t see each other or talk for 3 weeks. Then I saw him around the corner from his house ( I live less than a mile away) so I drove over and said Hi when he got out of his car. He hugged me and said hi, then standing outside by the curb, he told me he just wanted to “be friends” and that we had been together “8 years too long.” He then told me that his parents didn’t want me over anymore, he would call me the next day to talk more, and he walked inside his parents house and shut the door… and just left me standing there in tears. He ignored my calls and texts. After going by his work, he finally came by to “talk” a couple times; but we never talked. I would start to cry, he would get angry…and after a few minutes he would leave. I finally got fed up with everything. I got help for myself via talking with my friends, going to the spa, getting my hair and nails done, focusing on my career which I love, cleaning out my closets, and joining a gym after not working out much for a couple years! I went no contact for 10 days. I’ve moved passed the “craziness” of breaking up. I’ve let go of it – because I don’t want to go backward. But I still love this man more with each day – broken up or not! After the no contact, I sent him one little text saying “I love you.” And he texted right back, “I love you too.” I waited a couple more days then made contact. Now he has been coming over once a week for dinner or a movie – and yes, we have been intimate. I did let him know that I refuse to be anyone’s “friend with benefits,” and he said he understands. So, I want to do this right. I want respect from him this time, and I won’t accept anything less (because I feel like I’m always last priority. Like after he hangs out with his friends, then his cousin, then he finds time to spend with me! At like 8pm on a Sunday night!) Sometimes that’s okay, but I want to be the woman of value to him that he once believed me to be. And for once, I would like to live with one another – in our own place! We never have in 8 years! We’ve only lived together – at his buddy’s house (and every day after work and every weekend him, his buddy and their other guy friends would hang out. For 18 months! That’s not living together!) Help? Advice? I don’t know how to play this “game” well. I just know how to be myself. But I also am tired of being too available all the time, taken for granted, and last on the priority list. Please tell me what to do! Thank you!

    1. EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      EBR Team Member: Shaunna

      October 15, 2019 at 3:54 pm

      Hey Jossie, so where we always say not to have sex until you are officially back together. So that is where you need to think about your actions rather than words. Telling him you dont want friends with benefits then sleeping with him when youre not in a committed relationship goes against yourself.

      As for living together you should maybe start subtle showing him places you can afford together. If his family are going to control his life though you need to consider if he is going to stand up to them and be with you, or is he going to follow as they say and you’re going to be back where you started again. But again these conversations have to be light, tension free and positive so use your words wisely.

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    July 26, 2019 at 10:46 pm

    Hi Chris,

    My ex bf and I broke up 2 weeks ago. We got into a huge fight that just blew up and caused him to break up with me. After gnatting him, I’ve attempted no contact but only lasted 2 days because I missed him so much. We’re going into week 3 since we broke up. He says he’s still firm on not being my boyfriend right now but is very adamant about remaining friends. I’ve tried dropping off the rest of his things and told him we couldn’t be friends because the feelings I have for him are too real & too strong. I love him. He says he misses me, loves, & still cares for me but still wants to remain friends as of now. He says he’ll come to me when he can so we can talk but I don’t see a point in talking when he wishes to be friends and I wish for another chance with him. I’m confused and hurt because I want nothing more than to be with him and I hope he still feels the same but just doesn’t know what he wants. Help.

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    June 24, 2019 at 7:18 pm

    Hi Chris,
    I’m in a rather complex situation. My ex is polyamorous and I’m figuring out where I sit on that spectrum. We’ve been long distance and off and on because of it since 2014. I moved out to the U.S. to study and give us a real go and things have basically been great….until the pressure of being in a new place and dealing with so many new things (relationships, sexuality, immigration, financial insecurity, school, being away from home etc) resulted in me developing an Adjustment Disorder with anxiety and depression traits. Without knowing, I hurt him, I hurt his other partner, and most of all, I hurt me. He confronted me, with a whole bunch of things I had never heard before, and said that we should work on being good friends, and then maybe good lovers.

    One month on and I am getting help to better myself for me, and am still living with my ex and his partner. Because of everything, I’m a little bit more reserved in terms of interaction, and more focused on keeping busy and working through what I can. He says he still loves me and cares about me and wants me to be able to talk to him, but I don’t always feel that comfortable when the actions don’t seem to match i.e. there’s not a lot of engagement – he doesn’t respond to small talk messages, which I have pulled back on. Yet the other day he came in and was talking about hanging out once he has his work schedule.

    I’m not quite sure what to make of all of the mixed signals, and am not quite sure what to do other than watch and wait!

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