It happened. You never thought it would, but it did.
Your ex boyfriend reached out to you and he wants to meet up.
You’re excited, but also hesitant. He took your heart, threw it to the ground, stomped on it, and then took a sledgehammer to crush the remaining pieces to dust. Why would he want to meet up?
Well, there is the obvious – you have things you need to exchange, or other business that needs to be tied up. But what if that stuff has already been taken care of? Why would an ex want to meet up?
Let’s explore some possible reasons!
He misses you
Honestly, this is probably the most likely.
If your ex wants to meet up to “catch up” it’s likely that he has felt an emptiness in his life since you exited it, and simply wants to meet up to see you, talk with you, be with you.
You are in a prime position if this is the case. Missing you is the first step to getting him back.
I know how stressful the first meet up can be. I basically had a panic attack on the way to mine and had to do some breathing exercises with my head between my knees to keep myself from hyperventilating. The most important thing to remember is that you have the power. He asked to meet up with you, which means that you hold all the cards going into this meeting.
So go in there, and crush it.
He wants to flaunt his new life without you
It’s a sad but true fact that there are winners and losers in break ups – or at least, that’s how both parties perceive it. The winner takes the breakup and uses it as a tool to make themselves and their life better. The loser is stuck in a rut, having a hard time moving on.
One of my favorite examples of this is in season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
In As You Were, Buffy’s second boyfriend, Riley Finn, returns to Sunnydale on a mission and recruits Buffy. On the way to catch and kill the demon, they have the following exchange in the car:
Riley: I hear ya. Got some, uh, big stories to tell you, too, if we even get half a second.
Buffy: Did you die?
Buffy: I’m gonna win.
Humorous, sure, but the point still stands that whoever accomplished the most or has the best story (like dying) over the course of the breakup automatically “wins” the breakup.
The person who does the dumping is usually in a better place to be the winner, because they saw the opportunity for change coming well in advance. The person who was blindsided by the breakup usually has a harder time recovering.
It’s possible that your ex thinks that they are the winner of the breakup. Maybe they have a new woman they are dating (or maybe they got married, like Riley), maybe they got a new job, or lost a lot of weight/built up a lot of muscle.
This is why it is absolutely imperative that you utilize No Contact appropriately and are the best Ungettable Girl you can be at the time of the meet up. We’ll go into more detail on how to conduct yourself when you finally do meet up later in this article.
He is curious about you
This is kind of tied to the above, but also not. Sure, maybe he wants to compare where you are at, but maybe he also wants to know if you’re seeing anyone else.
My ex was certainly curious about that. He asked me about it point blank not even an hour into our first meet up. I was casual, said that I was “talking” to some people, but nothing serious. He seemed relieved to hear that. I did not ask the same question back to him, because Ungettable Girls don’t care who their ex boyfriend may or may not be seeing.
As much as a guy may want to breakup, he wants to know that it impacts you in some way. He wants to see evidence of the hole he left in your life. He may not want to be with you, but he wants to know that you want to be with him.
Human beings are messed up like that. We girls are guilty of it, too.
Okay, so it’s possible that your ex wants to meet up because they want the ego boost of seeing how desolate and alone you are, and how empty your life is without them.
So imagine the shock that they will have when you walk is looking absolutely amazing, and regale him with how fantastic your life without him is.
He will be stunned.
And your success will only succeed in making him want you more.
He wants to gauge how you feel about him
This is kinda-sorta related to the above points, but in a more serious way. It could be that your ex has realized what an idiot he is for letting a woman like you go, and wants to gauge where you are at in regards to your feelings about him.
This meeting could be a test run, of sorts, to see if the two of you mesh as well as you used to, to see if you’re seeing anyone new, and to gauge how interested you are in rekindling a relationship with him.
Now, there’s not really an easy way to tell if this is the case going in (unless he is super direct and says it – unlikely), and he’ll likely keep his cards close to his chest through the meeting. You may get subtle hints though: reminiscing about your past relationship, commenting on how good you look, and how well you’re doing, admitting and owning up to past mistakes are a couple of prime examples.
You can’t really know if this is his mindset going in, so the best thing to do is get into total Ungettable Girl mode and blow his mind with how fantastic you look, and how great your life is going.
Again, if he already wants you back, seeing how stunning and successful you are will only solidify his feelings that he made a mistake in letting you go.
The meet up
My advice, though, is to remain as collected and confident as possible through the meeting. Keep your emotions in check, and don’t let your ex know where your mind is at any time. Mystery is a wonderful tool that you can use, and it will drive you crazy.
I should mention that if you are in No Contact that you should absolutely, under no circumstances break it to meet up with your ex. Remember, the only reason that you should break No Contact is if he says the words “I want to get back together.” (Unless, of course, your situation falls into one of the “Limited No Contact” categories).
So it’s time to meet up. I would say that the main points to keep in mind fall under two umbrellas: Physical and Mental. These tips include a mix of what I’ve learned from Ex Boyfriend Recovery, advice from the facebook group, and my own personal insights.
Physical tips for the meet up include:
- Wear red – Ex Boyfriend Recovery Pro mentions that red is a great attention-getting color. It exudes sex and confidence. Wearing red will draw all of the attention to you, and hopefully will also make you feel more confident.
- Wear something flattering and that you feel good in – It is important that you feel confident going in. So if you’re not a dress girl, go with pants and a flattering top. Just be sure what you wear isn’t over the top. The key to successful jealousy is that it is subtle.
- Smell great – Smell is the most powerful scent when it comes to memory. If there was a scent you wore when you were dating your ex that he liked a lot, be sure to spritz some of it on before leaving the house. He may not realize it, but when he smells it, positive memories related to the scent will come rushing back into his mind.
- Good, confident posture – I have awful posture and it makes me look less confident than I am. Try to work on your posture before you enter the venue where you are meeting your ex, and remind yourself periodically thorough the meeting. I’ve found a good tool for this is to listen to some music that makes you feel powerful as you head to the meetup. I recommend “Red High Heels” – the lyrics “I’m about to show you just how missing me feels” put me in exactly the right, confident mindset for the meeting with my ex.
- Don’t overdo the makeup or hair too much from what you would normally do – As stated above, successful jealousy is subtle. You don’t want him to know what you’re doing. You want your Ungettable Girl qualities to come off as absolutely effortless. If you tend to wear natural makeup, don’t go overboard for the meetup. You don’t want to look like a totally different person from the girl he dated – just a slightly improved version.
Mental/Emotional tips for the meet up include:
- Confidence – Listen to music to help you get into the confident, Ungettable Girl mindset. It is very important that you come off as confident and collected. What breakup? Oh that? That’s old news – SO three weeks ago.
- Don’t go overboard using the jealousy tool – It’s easy to slip into trying to make your ex jealous by talking about all the people you’re seeing and how in demand you are. Trust me, my ex falls into it every time we hang out, and it’s hilarious to watch the look on his face when I change the subject, totally unfazed. Subtle jealousy is okay, but don’t go overboard – remember, you’re just living your life for you, not to make him think or feel anything.
- Keep your emotions in check – It’s possible that your ex may something that upsets you. If this happens, keep the smile plastered on your face and breathe steadily. He must not see you lose your cool. If the conversation starts going in a direction that you don’t want it to go in, or that upsets you, excuse yourself to the bathroom and when you come back, reset the conversations. It is also important to not drink too much, so that you have total control.
- Keep the meeting short – The key to the first meet up is to leave him wanting more. Leave the meeting on a high note, and then bolt. If you leave him with positive emotions, he’ll be thinking of you nonstop and will want to set a date for another meeting sooner rather than later.
- Know that he wants you – More than anything the key to a successful meet up is to have in the back of your head at all times that your ex is desperate for you. Ingrain in into your being so that it is not even a question. Write out a mantra for yourself and repeat it in your head whenever you feel your confidence waver.
My final tip is this: After every meet up with my ex, I write down all the details I can remember as soon as I leave (which I then post to the private support group for my friend’s opinions). Writing down the details when they are fresh help, because then you can go back and dissect the behavior of both you and your ex, and get a sense of where his mind is.
“You are a hell of a woman”
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter why your ex boyfriend wants to meet up with you, what matters is what you do once you get there. His reasons likely are one of the above, if not a mixture. If you’ve implemented No Contact correctly, and are feeling like the best Ungettable Girl you can be, go for the meetup, and blow him away with your accomplishments.
In the same episode of Buffy, after killing the demon, Riley and Buffy are discussing where she is at in her life and how she is unhappy with it (to be fair, the girl just came back from the dead – give her a break).
And Riley says to her something to her that is true about life and breakups, and it’s exactly the right mentality to have when considering meeting up with your ex:
“And so you’re not in the greatest place right now […] The wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You’re up, you’re down… It doesn’t change what you are. You are a hell of a woman.”
Know it. Live it. Be it.